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FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

2011-01-06T01:51:00.000-08:00

It shouldn't be a motto, it should be an understanding that nothing comes easy in life. It's a realization that those with the determination and drive will also be those who are victorious. To fight is to accept nothing less than greatness from yourself and nothing less than success from the situation. To fight means to bear your scars knowing that you are not the only one imperfect in this world, and in doing so you touch the souls of those around you. To fight is to redeem yourself, uphold your values and to never give into the circumstances. To fight is not my motto, but rather my lifestyle and one which I will never concede.

Tupac - Changes [OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO] HD

2010-12-28T15:21:00.000-08:00

"Survive"

2010-10-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

As a son of a mother who has beaten cancer 3 times I don't consider her a "Survivor". As a man with a very rare and difficult congenital heart disease, I don't consider myself a "Survivor". As many people among us consider themselves and other "Survivors" I have to smirk and look away. I don't consider "Surviving" as a tag or nameplate anybody should wear. I don't consider it because I believe that going through what we go through and getting to the other side is more than mere "Survival". "Surviving" to me is the most basic form of living. To "Survive" is to sit there and allow your body and this moment to take you in the direction it so chooses. But that is not what we do. We strive harder to find new remedies. We endure countless hours of pain, turmoil and struggle to achieve a goal that isn't simply summed up by "Surviving". We are given 2 options, Fight or Die. That's it, that's all and nothing else. To just live may be considered "Surviving" but we do more than just living. We push ourselves, others and the world to not only notice the struggle but to change the world for the better so less people have to struggle. We change the way people think, act and interact. We become contributing members in EVERYDAY society and we do all of this WHILE we struggle. We don't just simply "Survive" we THRIVE and ENDURE moments that the strongest of people would wince at and we, for the most part do it with no disdain for the fight we're in. We do it with hope and understanding that if we do not push ourselves and if we do not force the envelope past the expectations of others then we ourselves may never see another day. Then we see that day and we smile for it is through our sweat, tears and struggle that we have made this day possible. We take but a moments breath and then push on because we can never grow complacent in the moment, for our struggle shall and will always be present. We don't just simply "Survive" we alter our today, your tomorrow and the worlds future.

Good and Evil

2010-08-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

I contemplate to gain clarity. Thinking for me is like a road racer going through the course in their mind so as to eliminate any surprises or mistakes, making themselves familiar with the road ahead before they get there. I like to ponder the meaning of things so I can understand my place in this world better. Life hasn't been an easy road and it surely hasn't been one that has been predictable by any means. But now more than ever I need to focus on the path and the road ahead. I have to find my balance and secure my feet beneath me. I can equate my life to the epic battle between good and evil often played out on the big screen. But my evil comes from within me and there isn't an escape from it. It twists and turns my fate daily and measures my resolve every chance it gets. It makes me think and re-think my options and decisions and while it forces me to struggle at times it in turn makes me stronger for having to do so. Just as in the big screen, at times evil takes an upper hand and just as the movie progresses you see good slowly gaining momentum and ultimately winning the battle. But for me winning the battle does not mean banishing evil or riding the world of it. It means quiet serenity for just one moment, a smile or a time where I can breathe in and out and focus on the air filling my lungs. It means having the mind and the ability to think of the road ahead and prepare for those dangerous curves. For me beating evil is going to bed at night and having the strength and grace to wake up the next morning to meet my life long adversary. This is not a battle to be won, just one I hope to endure!

Rise

2010-08-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

"Rise"

By Eddie Vedder

Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And how will it grow

Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
And suddenly swallowed by signs
Low and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my ace in the hole

What to Say

2010-08-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

I can't honestly think of what I want to say. It's a combination of fear, anger, frustration, shock and exhaustion all rolled into a language that only my mind and body can understand. It's not something easily interpreted by any modern language and it's not something said in everyday passing. It's a feeling about a moment endured in which my will and determination were tested, my perseverance questioned and my desire for life heightened. It's something inside me that I want to yank out and study for the future to not only know how it works but to help myself from future moments like this. I am speechless but I have a lifetime of things to say. I am here but here seems to be nowhere at this time and I am quiet although every bit of me is screaming. I don't know if I will ever think of the proper words and I'm not even sure that they truly do exist or ever will. But I do know that moments that have changed me have done so permanently and have left me wondering what to say.

Ding Ding Ding

2010-07-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

My perception hasn't been the same lately. I struggle at times to peer through the clouds and see the lining around them. Often times I find myself convincing myself that the next step will be easier or the next challenge will surely go by quicker. It hasn't been getting easier though. In fact the challenges seem more like lessons in losing gracefully rather then lesson on how to beat anything. It takes a stronger mind to not only realize you can't win but to be able to get over that fact and be vigilant in the next task at hand. I've gone from a gallop, to a fast walk and down to a stand still. When you halt your movement from such a high rate of speed there are always bound to be moments where you slip and lose control. It's not control I lose though, it's focus on the road ahead of me and the ability to right the ship quickly and gracefully. I find myself slipping back to the most basic of my abilities and that is to just simply muscle through it, punch, kick and knock down forcefully anything that hinders my forward movement. I feel again like a prize fighter with bruised knuckles showing my life experience with war wounds and an animalistic desire to keep punching. I don't have the wit or the mental acuity to out think my opponent, so I barrel in head first flailing around like a windmill. God help those who get in front of my hands because I know not where the blows will land. My hopes are that they will find their way quickly to their intended target so that I can hear that bell ring and take but another moments rest till the next round.

Get your Fill

2010-04-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

My mind is quiet and gentle. I await for it to waken and spring into action, taking with it my body, my soul, my thoughts, ideas and expanding them into a moment in which you all can bear witness to them. Because life as we see it is familiar to us but life as others see it is a journey for us. A journey taken in great lengths and a journey that comes with great trials and tribulations. A life so many see from one side can be so much more rewarding from the other side. I want my mind to awaken and show you all where I have been and what I have been doing. I don't want you to just see me as your son, brother, uncle, husband, friend, team mate etc. I want you to know that the struggle that has brought me here not only from my perspective but from my family's as well. I want you to know the tears and the pain I have had to endure to get to a point where I am truly whole, humble and loved. I want you to know that no matter how difficult the journey it and how bad the outcome could be it would only be worse if we did not take the journey. There is nothing before us that we can't beat. We love our life everyday for what it is..another day alive to love the ones around us and rejoice in the fact that we made this day happen and will continue to do so with our tenacity and our perseverance. We say when it's time to go, we say when we have had enough and we can and will become stronger with each positive forward movement. The journey has not ended and our goals have not been met. There's too much of the world out there to see and I'm going to try and get my fill!

Thoughts of Tomorrow

2010-02-28T23:17:00.000-08:00

There is no hope if we ourselves believe is so. There is no fire burning within us if we don't choose to seek out the flame. There is no light upon our tunnels if we don't raise our heads past our feet. There's no way if we don't forge one. There's only struggle if we seek to define it that way instead of looking at it as progress. With all things worthwhile in live there has been pain and suffering put in. With all steps taken in life there have been wrong moves as well as right moves. We cannot be taught what we think we already know and we cannot do what we haven't yet been taught. We need to be taught change in our lives. To look up when the world pushes you down, to step forward when others want you to step aside and to struggle for the sole purpose of turning your, sweat, time, effort and tears into progress. We need to branch together our communities one by one and not only work within our small communities but reach out to our national communities, international communities and to whomever of those may have been forsaken from their own community. We need to solidify all together as a whole in unity to push our steps forward to change in life, change in the world, change in humanity and change in who we are and how we are. With our steps we need to kick up and kick forth a wind that will blow worldwide bringing other change and making it evident that we as a global entity can do together and will do for the better good of tomorrow!

Mental Banter

2010-02-28T23:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to say. There are no magical formulas to come up with what is in my head. I'm not well but I'm not "sick". I'm not lost but I'm not sure of the way. My hands, lips and face are getting a little bluer but I can still use them, smile and speak. I don't suffer from a disease I was given the gift of one. I have my good days and my bad day and once in a while if the stars are aligned I'll have a great day but only for a moment. I have cried more tears out of sheer pain and anguish then I have cried from absolute joy but I am always happy. I heard a story in which a woman said she never realized "how close she was to dying." I prefer to not look at the events that way rather you were never quite sure how close you were to losing your life. It may be a play on words but it means a lot to me. My life is tangible to me. The world which I have built around me holds dire meaning to me. Death is something I haven't ventured into yet and I am not truly versed on it's ins and outs and intricacies. So I prefer to look at it as losing something of importance to me and losing people whom are dear to me. I'm not interested or want to become profoundly aware of how close to death I came rather how close to losing life. When we are faced with the idea or thought of losing something tangible in our world we generally do what is necessary to keep ourselves from that point. As I have for many years. If I run just a bit faster, harder and for a longer too then maybe this gift which has been bequeathed upon me will in time find a resolution or perhaps bring me to a crossroads of decision and it will be at that time I can either choose to keep running straight ahead, stop and give in or just change course. Either way, between me and you I will be needing a well made pair of shoes for a very long time if I get my say!

Round the Corner

2010-01-05T00:47:00.000-08:00

Rounding the corner we lean into the breeze and feel the dancing wind upon our face. We open our eyes to reveal a new path, new time and new life to see. We are met with wondrous moments of sheer intrigue but yet are comforted by familiar reminders of the past. Stepping gently forward we push forth into the wind making our way through it to another time, a different place and a new story. Constantly turning the page on a seemingly never ending story of life we fill our pages with more and more words and pictures to proclaim our existence in these moments. But then we are abruptly stopped, held back and kept from the moment. We are stuck in a time where we are not sure of. To the left makes no progress and to the right the same. Backwards we cannot surely endure for we have already been there so we pause and wait. Allow the wind to brush against our faces with no ability to stop it, shade ourselves from it or alter it's effect upon us. We take in this brief moment for it is all a part of life. We have chosen to turn the corner and in doing so me must also choose to endure it's path. To be brave would be to continue and to falter would be to retreat. We must stand our courses and never relent to the wind, never back down to the difficulty and never lose hope for progress.

Never Relent

2009-12-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

NEVER relinquish

NEVER relent

NEVER give in to what you think is possible

NEVER turn away from a journey unfinished

NEVER let anybody tell you that you can't

NEVER give up on a time, moment or event because it's too hard

NEVER forgo your faith in yourself

NEVER stop till it is YOU who says stop

NEVER cast a shadow of doubt on your abilities, your reasons or your right to wage this war, to fight this battle and to win for it is your battle, your fight and it will be your victory. All things in time can and will be accomplished if you push, stay strong and remain vigilant. It is not up to others or circumstances to decide what you do and where you go rather it is your decision to blaze that path. You do not have to bow down, kow tow or step and fetch to others simply because they tell you to. You listen to your heart, follow your dreams and fulfill your intentions to the best of your abilities because it is your world you are fighting for, your life you are struggling with and your destiny you are about to behold!

Trekkers

2009-12-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

You keep pushing on and forward, beyond the lights, past the glory and into the cold. You do this not because it's easy but because you must. To quit, give in or surrender would be a waste of your momentum, a drain on your world and a loss of epic proportions. So we muddle through it. We shake the mud from our boots, wipe the rain off our visors and fight back the tears in our eyes. We go forth in pain, in vengeance and in hopes that the trek that we're upon will come to a clearing soon. An opening of beautiful light and gentle breezes. We carry on to see just what is beyond the bend and to feel the accomplishment of a single step. Despite what lies ahead and what we have gone through before and knowing full well the pitfalls of our path we continue to beat the path. We fight back the bushes, push back the brush and stomp harder into the ground solidifying our feet upon this place. Nothing that can be placed before us is insurmountable and no grim story ever told can detract us from our goals. We trek forward because we must bring forth a new light, new understandings and renewed hope that our path today will bring new life tomorrow!

Where?

2009-11-13T11:05:00.000-08:00

I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't seized this moment. I'm not quite sure where the storms of life would have taken me if I had not made the conscious choice to endure. It's fairly hard to imagine another path free of the challenges and blockades that have met me. I would surely not have been who I am nor would I have been where I am. I wouldn't have a thirst for tomorrow like I have now inside me. Today, tomorrow and the next would not have held such meaning to me as it does in this world I am in. Give no thought to the inabilities I have for it is the challenges they have created which have made me better. My life now is richer and more vibrant because my eyes take notice of the subtle light sometimes overlooked. I cherish moments that people forget quickly and I look forward to the simple things that others take for granted. I am better for living this way because I know within myself that no matter how great the challenge I can, I will and I have endured!

Don't Know

2009-10-06T01:33:00.000-07:00

I don't exactly know what it is about me. I'm not quite sure how to describe it or even if it is normal. But I just don't want to fail. I want to succeed at everything. Not just a test, not just in bowling but at everything I do. I want to flourish and excel at whatever I touch or put my mind to. I don't want to accept that I couldn't perform at %100. I don't want to deny myself the chance of at least trying and pushing myself to best of my abilities and maybe beyond. I want to turn every negative event around and make positive progress with it. I don't believe that people cannot do or are not able. I don't believe in being handicapped. I'm not a person who could sit back knowing that I have a serious illness and take it easy simply because I'm sick. I've been told to slow down, take a rest, relax, let others do it and just simply live. But living is doing regardless of my circumstances. I may take a moment of pause to allow myself to heal before pushing forth but to completely give up, give in and let go is not an option. I don't do things simply to get recognized nor do I do them for any sort of glory. I simply do them because in this moment, at this time I can, I am able and I will!

Steps of Progress

2009-09-05T02:03:00.000-07:00

It's funny. We never really understand how far we have come until we stop, let the world quiet down a moment, turn about face to look at where we have been. We can at times be out of control, give up control, not capable of control and sputtering aimlessly about the Earth. But then suddenly, once we've stopped and looked back we see it. While we have been running amok for no rhyme or reason we have in some small way travelled down a set path, that has at times taken us back, shifted us left, shoved us right but eventually gotten us to the here and now. The road may look like a bunch of mixed up pick up sticks but somehow it just worked. It worked because we are determined to make it so. It worked because we as human beings cannot survive without progress, regardless if that progress is backwards, forwards or sideways. Movement as a whole is deemed progress because each step of the way brings you to a time and place where you have not been before. I look at now and become discouraged, simply because it is not what I had originally perceived it to be. But when compared against the backdrop of yesterdays then my progress is quickly noted. I cannot become doomed to dwell within my own mind and abide by my own expectations because that is neither progressive or healthy. Our limits of progress change with every step and some days we may progress an inch while others a yard. It's not where I am but the steps I took to get here. I have walked through many valleys and climbed many hills. I have sky rocketed at times and fallen back to earth at others all in hopes that progress will bring me closer to tomorrow. Tomorrow has come for me many, many times and I have always gone to bed at night and woken up in the morning and beat the devil out of another day. If at times that is my only progress then so be it and I shall sit back willingly and rest while the eve comes and the dawn rises to welcome yet, another step!

Chasing Shadows

2009-08-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

My life, is my shadow. We all find ourselves intrigued by our shadows. They dance before us recreated by the light of the world. As the sun rises high above me it casts forth an image or outline of who I am. The outline emanates directly from the tips of my feet and spreads outward into the world. It is a representation of my life. As my shadow is bigger than myself so is life. Life is more than my existence and my mere physical presence. It encompasses far more than I can touch, see, smell or even understand. My shadow dances before me as I try frivolously to catch it and make it mine. In the beginning of life it points the way to go and at the setting of my time it shows me where I have been. My life is of my own choosing for I decide if and when I shall go outside to greet my shadow. While the path is shown to me it is of my decision to take it and if I stay too long dancing then the light shall set and I shall no more be chasing my shadow.

Awaiting the Breeze

2009-08-13T01:24:00.000-07:00

I can't help but wonder. I stand before the next day just as confused as I had been the past several days. I hold my eyes upward and forward to be able to take notice of any answers headed my way. I hold my ear closely to the sounds of the wind so that anything that may dance upon the the gentle breeze may find it's way to me. Awkward and alone I fumble tirelessly for ground to stand on and something solid to not only place a firm grip upon but also to walk upon. Angry, tired and beaten I push relentlessly forth so that today isn't lost due to countless hours of hesitation. I step once, then twice and yet again. I push with willingness to fight, determination to succeed and absolute and total focus. Regardless what has occurred, despite how my body aches and with little thought to my desire to rest I push today away and welcome tomorrow. I welcome yet another day to bring new perspective. Another light in the sky to awaken new ideas and another breeze yet again to hopefully bring the sweet sounds of life.

Here & There

2009-07-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not there, I'm here but even here is not concrete in it's existence. I move from moment to moment changing direction spastically and without warning. I can stop a moment to ponder but then I'm gone again staying stagnant just enough to prove that I surely do exist. I cannot focus on a moment, an object or a thought because I do not allow myself proper time in which to do so. My thoughts run into one long stream of words, sentences, paragraphs and ideas. I am coming and going in the same moment and I defy physics because me, myself and I can occupy the same space at the same time but in order to do so we must all be stopped at the same moment which in itself is a project of monumental proportions. I am a blur to the eye a momentary glimpse into the mind of chaos and a partial figment of your imagination. I am every which way but lose and even that way would be considered forward progress. I am at this moment all the fingers in a never ending crack in the dam with time against me, pain setting in and no end in sight!

Complacent

2009-07-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

Our biggest problem is complacency. We cannot become complacent, stagnant and unwilling to venture forth. We cannot sit back in a moment and wait for it to take us to wherever and for however long it shall do so. We have to evolve, mentally, emotionally and socially. We cannot be satisfied in today and hope that today will last through a lifetime. We must be willing to accept, understand and be the key component in change. We have to take a hands on approach to shifting, re-writing and re-shaping today into a better tomorrow and amazing future. We cannot give up control to others and then complain about our direction. We have to put the humanity back into humans and re-grow our understanding of one another. We have to take time to cultivate close relationships and meaningful endeavors. We must put our own sake into the recreation of our time so that we are all vested and have not only an equal share but take an equal part in it's success. We need to begin to understand that patience over time is essential for our success and that accepting where we are now is not being patient, it's being complacent!

Replenish

2009-06-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

I'm worn. I have become drained and tired. I'm standing on one leg looking for a seat to cushion my fall. The events of late have taken my strength, weakened my resolve and shaded my focus. I wish to be lifted through the atmosphere to sit quietly in contemplation as the Earth spins beneath my feet. I want to look down upon the world in all of its glory and decide for myself what next. I need time for my body to rejuvenate and my spirit to awaken once again. With the recent sudden loss of an old friend and the dreary weather we have been encountering I have been all but beaten. I never stop seeing the light at the end but sometimes question if it will ever glow brighter for me. I believe that all we endure is yet another test given to us by god and that god shall never give you more than you can handle but he too should think about giving us rest. This is just a moment in which I have faltered and fallen to one knee and it too shall be a moment that I will endure and push through. It will be a moment of distant memory and one that will catapult me into the next. It will make me stronger, it will in time help me to persevere not only for myself but for future moments I have yet to see. But for now, I am tired and I shall sit down upon the Earth and let time pass for my soul needs to be replenished and my heart needs to find focus.

A Place

2009-06-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

I need to go somewhere. I have to be in a place where happenings don't happen as often. A place where parents, pets, punk ass pretentious people don't exist. I need to find a place where the air can somehow infuse me with enough oxygen to eliminate the tanks and machines. A place where if my legs hurt, I will be carried, if I'm too tired I can sleep. I need to venture to a realm where if my eyes fall below half mast then I am immediately met with a soft bed and an even softer pillow to instantly rejuvenate my soul. Somewhere, where what I'm thinking is what is happening or going on. Some place where my dreams and wishes seamlessly intertwine with those of my love and our wants and needs are no longer because they are ours already. I need to find a place where phones, faxes, texts and emails all linger off in the distance to be read, listened and responded to at our own timely convenience. Somewhere, where we don't have to duck behind a veil or steal late night moments when all is at rest just to get our privacy. I need a place were I can be silent in meditation simply for the reason of serenity. I would like to exist in a realm where my skin can brown without the heat that takes my breath. I want to smile and show my white teeth without the blue borders to attract attention. I want to become slower because I chose it not because my body needs it. A place where the sun shines forever, not too hot yet not too cold and Kari and I can be at ease holding one another basking in the glow!

Little Wonders

2009-06-02T23:33:00.000-07:00

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

By~
Rob Thomas

Preparing for change

2009-05-27T00:59:00.000-07:00

Let the drops of rain fall upon me. My mind has been tattered and worn. Refresh my soul and wash away all those things I need not think about. Let the rain run downward upon my body, building up speed and intent as it grabs hold of those things that shackle me. I press my face to the sky and allow the water to caress me gently and flow uninhibited along my body and down over my feet . I have been worn with moments and events. Decisions and indecision. To do nothing but to fail because nothing has been done or to to everything and fail simply because every ounce of energy has been wasted speculating and wondering and pondering, crunching numbers re-writing scenarios and coming up with what is hopefully a coherent resolution to the issues at hand. Just give me my time to become whole again . Give me my moments of utter silence in which I can hear my heart beat concur with my inner thoughts. I want to feel my muscles collapse at rest and not be called to use until they have sufficiently gained their strength. I don't want to be shaken to perform or asked to resolve an issue which is beyond my control. I want to remain CALM, SERENE, QUIET and FOCUSED on everyday as it comes. I will not bow down to the possibility of death, I will just simply adapt and overcome yet again. I will persevere, come out on top and write yet another page in the book of impossibilities. I need my rest. I need to be renewed, to be excited and for the people around me to have patience, understanding and faith, not only in god but in my abilities to stand up against all that confronts me. This time is difficult but I WILL knock it down, with strong steps, strong will and an even stronger mind. But now, I recoup, regain and ready for the change.

Lists

2009-05-26T16:13:00.000-07:00

We have lists for groceries, lists for things to do and lists for people to invite. Lists are comprised to remind us of who, what, where, when and why. We write things down to get them out of our minds, to solidify them in ink and to acknowledge that we are aware of those moments, events and times in which we exist. We are able to consciously make a decision that our thoughts and these pieces of information belong better on a slip of paper than in the cortex of our brain. I have been requested to make a list of my own. I have been asked to make a list comprised of all the things I would like to do before I die, but I refuse. It's not that I don't want to do anything but rather that I do not want top give any credence to the thought of death. I have struggled so hard and pushed for so long to avoid the perils of death. I have imposed my will upon my life to do as I so choose and I will not allow the thought of failure enter my mind. I won't make a list because the things I would like to do will either get done or not regardless of the time I have left. There should be no increased emphasis placed upon such a list simply because your time here has changed. I believe things should be done at will with a harmonious understanding that we may or may not be here tomorrow so while we are, enjoy these moments, thrive in these times and do what we so choose.