Blog-Rakers

From the Archives

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Wed, 19 May 2010 12:06:00 +0000

Bob Hunter is on vacation so we're running one of his better columns from 2007.
Hunter will return in September.

Hockey Porn

I was walking by my 12 year old son's room last night and heard some moaning and groaning. "Damn, he's hacked into my favorites list," I thought to myself as I burst in through the door. But instead of naked Russian skanks on the screen, he was looking at something called "HFBOARDS.COM".

Apparently you can talk online about Columbus Blue Jacket hockey even after the players have given up and gone golfing (which is usually every December).

Hunter: "What are you looking at there, BobbyJ?"

Bobby Jr: "The CBJ fan forum on HFboards, dad."

Hunter: "OMG, I was worried you might be surfing pornhub.com or sexyteens.com or literotica.com or babeswithbigasses.com."

Bobby Jr: "No dad, that's gross. Me and the other 12 year old kids are voting in the coaches poll, you know, who they should hire."

Hunter: "Oh. ...and who are you voting for? "

Bobby Jr: "Ken Hitchcock".

Hunter: "Good choice son. You know, he won a Stanley Cup in Dallas."

Bobby Jr: "Cool."

Hunter: "He's just what the team needs. He'll bring a rich and weighty approach to the game."

Bobby Jr: "So maybe we'll start going to the games?"

Hunter: "You bet, now get to bed BobbyJ, before your mom thinks we're both looking at porn."

The next morning at the office I bypassed the Dispatch internet filter, checked my page at Farmersonly.com, then pulled up HFboards, registered under the psuedonymn of "Samkow", and voted in the Coaching Poll myself. Glad to see everyone agrees with me.

The Cup is as good as won.

This is Bob Hunter.
Copyright 2007, Columbus Dispatch and Mattlund Sports Enterprises LLC.

Takes One To Know One

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Fri, 14 May 2010 02:55:00 +0000

After getting ample practice observing what a team looks like when it quits, Commodore calls out the Cavaliers after they get eliminated from the 2010 NBA playoffs.

You were warned...

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 15:35:00 +0000

The Year in Review

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 21:27:00 +0000

It sucked.

_______

RUMBLINGS

Our sister blog http://www.lightthelamp.com/ is in trouble, and Steiner has asked me to go over there and write some heavy posts to bolster the ad revenue. It was tempting, but after lunch at Buca, I told Raymond G. that I wasn't his boy, but that he should ask Mattlund instead. Tanking is Mattlund's specialty.

Frankly, LTL.com is what you read when you're out of scotch. Plus, I'm too homophobic** to wax-on (and on) about 19 year old uber-prospects playing god-knows-where in Canada next season.

(**BTW...If LTL's "JHM" hat isn't the gayest damn fan-hat, I don't know what is. What does JHM stand for anyway? "Just Hold Me" ? "Jump, Hug & Massage" ? That hat is in serious need of some guns on it.)

Kudos to our Canadian pals at jacketscannon.com for succumbing to our strongly worded post. They have finally listed a link to Blog Rakers at http://www.jacketscannon.com/, and now the advertising dollars are flowing in from the mothership. No fancy gay hats or redwings paraphenalia on his site. Well done, sir, well done.

Note to "Greg in 120" (if that is your real name) at www.bluejackets247.com:

WTF?

Graphic by the Dispatch Art Dept
and not one of those lame looking MS Paint-jobs Mattlund usually comes up with.

We'll review bluejackets247.com at a later time to see if they've come into compliance.

This is Blog Hunter.

And this is a Wings-free, Gay-hat-less Blog.

Blog Wars - First point goes to us

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:17:00 +0000

Looks like the Blog Wars of 2010 are heating up. And some of that heat is coming off a BIG, BIG, BIG Blog-Rakers victory. Those ~~snobby Canadian elitists~~ all-around nice guys of The Cannon have finally included us in their "approved Columbus Blue Jackets hockey blog links" section.

Foul-mouthed Canadian Mike "Macster" Maclean waved his white flag (didn't know he was French-Canadian...) and left the following comment after Mr. Hunter's last scathing editorial:

It's one thing to believe the word of a Canadian syrup sucker and leave it at that, but I had to check out their fine blog and see for myself. I was amazed at what I saw:

Blog-rakers + The Cannon = Best Friends For Life (BF4L)

There you have it. Chalk one up for the boys at Blog-Rakers. When will the rest of the blogs finally give us the respect we deserve? Who is in Hunter's cross hairs for his next shot? Stay tuned for B. Hunter's next cannon shot in BLOG WARS 2010: This time, IT'S PERSONAL.

Blog Raker Stats

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 00:08:00 +0000

One of my responsibilities here at Blog-Rakers is to generate sales revenue. Blog Rakers = Cash.

Bingo Sales are way up since Mattlund started his Blue Jacket Bingo (my idea). And just look what my name dropping has done for Buca de Beppo and Carl's Spring Street Chicken Shack. Tapping into our brand recognition and good name, you soon be seeing product placements at Blog Rakers and our sister site, http://www.lightthelamp.com/

If you're interested in placing a product, contact us.

Media wags are well aware of the ongoing internet war between Blog Rakers and numerous other Blue Jacket "blogs" including http://www.jacketscannon.com/ run by a Canadian and some other guys. They refuse to add our link to their blogroll claiming, and I quote, "Blog Rakers is not a legitimate hockey blog."

Semantics.

But they're not the only ones. The following CBJ hockey blogs do not list Blog Rakers in their blogrolls:

http://www.bluejackets247.com/

http://www.kuklaskorner.com/index.php/bhr/ aka Bethany's Hockey Rants (if she really IS a girl)

http://thejacketsblog.com/

...and a bunch of other CBJ blogs.

Look, we know why they don't link to us. They are afraid of losing product placement click-throughs to the internet marketing genius that is Mattlund Enterprises LLC. We get that. And they also despise our mother company, the Columbus Dispatch.

All we ask is that you don't hate us because we're rich, powerful, and beautiful. Rather: Learn and link, my friends, learn and link. To that end, we offer the following helps in the spirit of lockerroom harmony....

Click any of the following graphics to explore them in detail.

The following graphic is "Exhibit A" in what's wrong with jacketcannon.com. Their site features a prominent link to The Siracuse Crunch, -an organization so thoroughly discredited by numerous Mattlund posts that the Blue Jackets are moving their AHL team to Massachusetts.
JACKETSCANNON: TEAR DOWN THIS WIDGET.

This next screenshot also from jacketscannon.com demonstrates the degree to which that blog should really learn and link to Mattlund's "Money Rakers". They're selling Happy Chef cookwear over there at jacketcannon. "Happy Chef". If this damn blog control panel had a shakeshead smilie option I'd be using it right here: ____.

This next stat chart from Blog Rakers shows the kind of RESULTS that every advertiser drools over. It shows that 10.5% of our readers stay at our site for an hour or more. Reading what-- we don't care. Once this chart hits the advertising desks over at Farmersonly.com and Lonelyhearts.com the other CBJ blogs that are linked to us will see their hits go through the roof.

This last chart shows where our readers are coming in from (using IP data). It demonstrates the international reach of Blog Rakers. We are HUGE in Poland, but in the spirit of detente, we are offering CHINA to our other blog friends.

The puck is in your end, boys.

This is Bob Hunter.
Graphics courtesy of The Dispatch Art Dept.

More Meme Machine...

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 04:00:00 +0000

The meme Machine eats up CBJ pictures and spits out illustrations of the current season in popular Internet Memes...

This week we have 2 more entries for ya:

Chimera finds happiness in Washington

Sieve Mason

Stay tuned for more Mattlund and his amazing Meme Machine.

Mattlund's CBJ Meme Machine

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 05:14:00 +0000

Mattlund's new fancy gizmo, the Meme Machine, takes all sorts of CBJ stuff and turns them into popular internet memes.

For the first installment of Mattlund's Meme Machine we have 2 things fresh out of the hopper. Lets take a look, shall we?

Scott Howson

Ken Hitchcock

Stay tuned for more Mattlund Meme Machine action.

Mattlund Predicts pt. 1

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 04:13:00 +0000

Mattlund Predicts is the first in a series that officially starts with this entry. As we all know, I have been pretty flawless with my previous predictions...but now is the time we start keeping proper track of these things.

Prediction 1:

Pictured above is Brittany from Blue Jackets TV. She is the pretty lady with a silky voice and cashmere sweater in-training that the Columbus suits have hired this season. I say "in training", because she will moved to TV starting next season. The Internet is the minor leagues. Just ask the Blog-raker staff.

bonus predictions:

Lewd comments about the girl in the entries for this blog entry

Comments revealing what Rick Nash is thinking in the picture above

The Blood-letting Continues

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 20:47:00 +0000

First it was Jody, then Chimmer. Then it was Hitch, Torres, Jurcina, Picard, Modin, and finally, my boy Roy. I haven't seen such a slaughter since my pappy drowned a bag of chickens for the annual family BBQ (we were not allowed to choke them in my house).

But it's not over, not by a longshot. Here, according to my impeccable sources, are the latest dismissals and trades.

Skraut - Retired. Was never the same after several blows to the head from a hoisted Stanley Cup, and a blow to the nuts each year since 2000. Brightside: His wife was signed as our new enforcer.

Happy Pony - Traded for DeadHorse, HF' Toronto's favorite poster. Pony's slaphappy rimshot posts hit more bars than Danny Gare after a game.

The guy who replaced Jim Day - He just looks really weird and out of place now that dopleganger Rafi is gone. Rumor is that he will be traded for an LA chick, any chick really, as long as she looks good in a cashmere sweater.

Skimp - "skimp" is alleged to be Mike Priest's screenname. Waived from the team due to lack of funds.

Bill Davidge - Rimer has ruined yet another color guy. Next up: Jody Shelley, or a good looking chick with a silky voice and cashmere sweater. She can run downstairs for the interviews in between periods and breathlessly interview Rusty and Antoine encouraging them to score. (During periods, please give her plenty of Midol.)

Matthew - Released after management invoked the hitherto unknown "If you suck any more than usual, you're gone" clause in Matthew's contract. Said to be working as Ray Stein's personal copyboy.

Feicht - Released from contract. BGSU called and needed its fan back

TimelessWinter - Traded for "AnnualTradeDeadline" at the deadline. His screenname reminded too many of the cold harshness of a) Ohio weather, and b) the feeling Blue Jacket fans get when they'd much rather feel like it's TimelessJuly1st.

Samkow - Waived. Let's just say that what happens in the HF Moderator lockerroom should have stayed in the HF Moderator's lockerroom. The pictures of him infracting guys were too Abu-Graib.

Jacketfan - Traded to Florida for an 11th rounder. His asking price of $4 mil and demand that warm tropical air be "piped into his crease" was too steep and creepy.

Robert - Released from contract so that he can go to TSN sports and join his good buddy Doug Maclean.

JFOmalycat -- Neutered for also logging in as "QTMcWhiskers", "CBJCougar". and "Viqsi'sDeadPussy." Rules is rules.

This is Bob Hunter.
My rights are reserved.

Blog-Rakers Bingo Part Three: This time it's personal.

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 05:43:00 +0000

Mattlund awakes from his slumber brought on by CBJ suckiness to bring the people another round of Blog-Rakers Bingo. Blog-Rakers bingo is the perfect game to play while watching the Jackets lose, browsing HFboards, or crying yourself to sleep.

(CLICK TO VIEW FULL SIZE!)

Blog-Rakers quick hits:

-My sources indicate that a special Bingo Board was made for poster Timeless Winter's next GDT. Make sure to check it out coming to a HFBoards GDT near you.
-Still working my sources, but I think Hitchcock may be in danger of losing his job. If it happens, you'll hear it here first. Guaranteed.
-Is there photographic evidence of Kevin Dineen walking on water and turning water into wine? Check the next update, faithful readers!

Have a good week, folks.

-Mattlund out.

How I Knew Hitchcock Was Doomed

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 11:35:00 +0000

by Bob Hunter

It's true, I called it. How did I know Hitchcock was doomed? Let me lift the veil.

Eschewing the sad sources and pseudo-informed guesswork of rank amateur hockey bloggers (like someone we know), I drew on my years of experience, and the carefully cultivated inside sources which I had spent years of cultivating on the inside.

Tips for Young Cub Reporters seeking to out-beat me:

Buy drinks for the lockerroom staff.

Sift through lingerie drawers.

Buy drinks for players like Commodore.

Post polls on hockey message boards.

Buy drinks for Rimer.

Read the standings at least once a week.

This reporter is not happy that The Coach is gone. Far from it. Ken was a close personal friend of mine and a regular at our Tuesday drinkfests at Buca. However, it is clear now that The Team is better for his leaving, -being put in the able, soft and gentle hands of one Claude Noel (pronounced: "Cl-oh-duh" --as in "Oh" with your lips pursed forward like a blow up doll).

Jim Beam, my favorite "go to" source, warns me, "Don't be surprised if Clowed is our coach next season. " I'll be following this story at least through next Wednesday, after which we'll turn on someone else.

This is Bob "Scoop" Hunter.

(Portions excerpted from my upcoming book, "How I Knew Hitch Was Doomed" being self-published this April)

Hitchcock sends a message

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 10:43:00 +0000

Last night during the last two minutes of the Blue Jackets 4-0 shut-out loss to the Wild, my photographer snapped this photo (I was indisposed).

Tommy Reed or the other guy will be telling us what it means when they grow a pair of cajones. (And speaking from personal experience, even one would be sufficient).

In other news, Dispatch Gay Pride "Night at the Nat" has been cancelled. Sugardale has pulled its sponsorship. My calls to Dale were not returned. [Editor's Note: Please disregard the full page ad in this morning's paper.]

This is Hunter.

Scott Howson once again fails to land Brad Richards

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 21:25:00 +0000

Some trade was made.

But because Brad Richards wasn't acquired by Columbus, you'll have to find out who got traded on your own. Any trade that doesn't involve Brad Richards coming to Columbus isn't worth being reported on by THIS writer.

Memo: Blog-Rakers Christmas Party Cancellation

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 12:52:00 +0000

The annual Blog Rakers Christmas Party has been cancelled by Dispatch legal due to pending litigation over Mattlund's 2009 Summer "Fan Disco Bachannal III," and sponsorship concerns.

In his memo to the blog staff, Ray Stein wrote, "Rumpke Garbage feels that Blog Rakers is not projecting an image in keeping with their garbage business, --as well as everyone knowing that Mattlund is an ass -the fact that he is the father of my heaviest daughter's 4 children notwithstanding."

In related news...
Dispatch junior sportswriter Aaron Portzline recently revealed that Rumpke Garbage is withdrawing its sponsorship of the Columbus Blue Jackets. In a secret memo to its stockholders, Rumpke CEO Sam Kowalski wrote, "Rumpke Garbage feels that the team is giving the garbage business a bad name and we'd very much like to protect our reputation with the Columbus consumer as the #1 source of garbage in Central Ohio."

Posted by Skippy the Mattlund Intern reporting for BJ Hunter who is currently on assignment with Tom Reed and PuckCougar in Cancun.

Last minute gift ideas for the Blog-Rakers staff

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 05:14:00 +0000

If you are having trouble thinking of what to get your favorite and best Columbus Blue Jackets bloggers for this Christmas, you are in the right place. I, Mattlund, and my friend B. Hunter have been very good for almost most of the year. We appreciate all our readers equally, but appreciate the readers who send us free stuff even more.

So, what's a good idea for a last minute gift for the Blog-Rakers boys, you ask?

Mattlund

1. If you know any attorneys, Mattlund still needs Howson's restraining order on him lifted. The talented team at the Plymale Partnership has put in a good year on this, but have been unsuccessful. The "incident" at the Blockbuster Video on Sawmill road was just a misunderstanding. Mattlund is a changed man.

2. An invite on the Cannon Fodder Podcast. You may have forgotten, but Mattlund was the 61st caller on their Episode 61 spectacular and won a guest spot. Long story short, once they found out who Mattlund REALLY was, they stopped returning his phone calls. The Columbus Dispatch/Columbus Blue Jackets PR Department is too afraid to let the Truth on the air. They know Mattlund will tell it like it really is. They are too afraid to let it happen. If we have any contacts on the INSIDE reading this, you know what to do.

3. Dan Smith to come out of retirement and lead the Columbus Blue Jackets to a Stanley Cup victory. Yes, the greatest man to ever lace up a pair of skates retired before his time. Just when the "Big Team" could use him the most. His leadership, grit, heart, and determination are just what the Blue Jackets need in this time of sucktitude. Howson, get on a plane and convince this guy to come back!

B. Hunter

1. Booze (large bottle)
2. Booze (medium bottle)
3. Booze (miniature bottle. Great stocking suffer!)

So, there you have it! You are now armed with great last minute ideas for the Blog-Rakers writing staff. Be safe out there, folks.

Remember, Christmas dreams do come true (unless they involve the Columbus Blue Jackets making the playoffs this season)

Remember to drop all gifts off at Mattlund's residence (the dumpster behind the Blockbuster Video Store on Sawmill Road in Columbus, Ohio)

Clumbus Doesn't Deserve Ken Hitchcock

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 11:51:00 +0000

There, I said it.
We don't deserve Ken Hitchcock, and therefore, he should leave.

Point #1: He's too good for us.
As the coach of the Kamloops Blazers, Coach had a 291–115–15 record and never had a losing season. He was also named the Top Coach in all of Canadian Major Junior Hockey as recently as nineteen years ago.

Point #2: Ten years ago he won a Stanley Cup
The Clbumus Blue Jackets have not. Kris Russell wasn't even alive when Hitch won that Cup so how can he respect Hitch? (See also: Filatov)

Point #3: Ken Hitchcock has never played hockey.
The fans don't appreciate the fact that Ken is one of them.

Point #4: He Doesn't Wear Sweater Vests.
This town will never embrace "The Anti-Tressel." We ran 2 other good football coaches out of town for having better winning percentages than Coach Hithcock -and not being able to beat that other team from Michigan we hate. Your respectable .600 "6th place in the Division" finish is lost on Clumbus' non-canadian, white trash, dope smoking college town fans.

Point #5: The Hardcore Fans have all left the Message Boards.

Clearly, the best hockey minds are now writing their own hockey blogs rather than engaging in that poop-fest over there on HF. Of course, we prefer it this way, because we can write without being interrupted by people who's opinions might be better than ours. This is exactly like coaching the Blue Jackets, and while personally satisfying, honestly, it's not all that entertaining just talking to yourself. You understand this Ken, and I want better for you, so please go to a team with at least 4 veterans over the age of 30 who can provide some leadership rather than make YOU do all the talking.

This is Bob or Blog or Blob Hunter, whatever.

[The views expressed in this blog have been sanctioned by Ray Stein and Matthew, d.b.a. Mattlund Sports Enterprises LLC.]

Player Signing Turns Ugly

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 00:43:00 +0000

FSN Ohio Blue Line, Dublin ---

It was an event that could only be described as a Jonas Brothers concert wrapped in a Beatles concert, nestled in a box of a Twilight movie premiers. Yes, of course I am talking of the Antoine Vermette celebrity signing at the FSN Ohio Blueline in Dublin, Ohio.

It started off simple enough. The line was moving along just fine for the first 20 minutes of the signing. Then, it took a turn for the worst. The older women in the back of the line were growing weary of the long wait. The scene quickly dissolved into violence. These ladies simply could not wait any longer. As the anger and outrage was brought to a fever pitch, a small riot broke out inside the Blue Line and the area just outside the entrance.

Eyewitness reports said that riot police were brought in quickly. The police officers at the scene were being belted with bottles, iPhones, and various other CBJ merchandise. There are also reports of cougars starting fires, although it isn’t clear at this stage whether those fires included shelves or Blue Line staff members. One unconfirmed report says that at least one police vehicle has been set on fire. How the vehicle got into the mall remains under investigation.

Rumors that Puck Cougar was the instigator of the riot are still under investigation.

Stats we know so far:

21 injured.
15 taken to hospital.
3 dead.

Stay tuned for more information as it comes in.

Tragedy in Cbus

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:03:00 +0000

R.I.P. my little Russian bubka.

-B.H.

Mattlund's Text Message Interview with Ken Hitchcock

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:35:00 +0000

So I was recently reading me some Puck-Rakers, and I stumbled upon something that caught my eye:

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Nikita Filatov left practice today with a back bruise, Blue Jackets coach Ken Hitchcock confirmed in a text message. The injury occurred in a recent game.

Apparently Ken Hitchcock is a texter. Two thoughts hit me after I read this little blurb: 1. Portzline is an !@#$ for not sharing this information with me. 2. I have got to get in on this texting with Hitchcock thing.

After weeks of stalking and digging through trash cans, I got the mans number so I could deliver my readers an exclusive and un-edited interview with Ken Hitchcock. Suck on that, Puck-Rakers.

Mattlund: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to give Blog-Rakers this interview, Coach.

Hitch: no prob lol.

Mattlund: To what do you attribute the early success of the team?

Hitch: idk just workin hard i guess lol

Mattlund: What does Nikita Filatov have to do in order to earn more ice time?

Hitch: not be russian

Mattlund: You are willing to go on the record with that statement?

Hitch: im j/k lol ;)

Mattlund: Moving on. The Powerplay was much maligned last season. This year, it's clicking in at a much higher rate. What's been the difference this year?

Hitch: ummm idk? my bff Claude?

Mattlund: Ok. What does the team have to do to get the PK where it was at the beginning of the season.

Hitch: sry mttlun i g2g! lataz.

There you have it. See you on the next Mattlund Monday when we debut Rimer Bingo.

Doing Mattlund's Job for Him

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 22:21:00 +0000

Damn you Mattlund!

This is Blog Hunter.

Grumblings

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 13:07:00 +0000

As you can see, Stein made a GROSS MISCALCULATION in returning this blog to "Mattlund."

Posts are down.
Readership is down.
It's a travesty.

Hey Matty-boy, the Freakin SEASON has started.
Drop the pedobear and start writing!

Fortunately my fans can read my other blog: http://www.lightthelamp.blogspot.com/

This is Bob Hunter.
(or Blog Hunter, whatever)

The rumo(u)rs are true.

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:13:00 +0000

Yes, Blog-Rakers is back under my editorial control. Blog Hunter will remain on staff as long as I can afford to supply him with cheap booze.

Sorry for the lack of updates, but it wasn't for a lack of trying. After my court appearance in Syracuse (related to Lindsay Kramer and the Syracuse Post-Standard? More on this later...) it's been a tough go for your favorite blogger.

Knowing I would be out of town during Training Camp, I made the mistake of sending Hunter to cover Training Camp for Blog-Rakers. He pulled his typical "schmooze the big wigs in the private box and not pay attention a damn thing" play. Normally I would have published what he turned in anyway, but it's a new era at Blog-Rakers. Quality first.

LONG STORY SHORT: expect the updates to be more regular when the regular season starts.

Howson's BeefCake Strategy Exposed!

noreply@blogger.com (Blog Hunter) — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 16:09:00 +0000

I was enjoying a pear spritzer with Steiner and Mattlund over at the River Club on Spring St. when an envelope was dropped in my lap by a young woman in a red sleeveless summer dress.

My first reaction was, "shit, another summons?" But when I spilled it's contents out onto our table, spread before us was more DAMNING evidence that GM Howson is not interested in building a playoff contending hockey team. But rather, is surrounding himself with young hunks.

This has left all red-blooded male Americans to wonder:

1. Does Howson have a "problem"?
2. Or is he one sly dog?

In fact, we believe he's "one sly dog." All indicators are that Scott Howson is trying to assemble a beefcake team in an attempt to close the budget gap by filling seats with eager young women and turn them into life long hockey fans. This in turn will attract eager male men of all ages.

Scottie's Boy Toy Photo 1: McDreamy Filatov

Nikita is single and not gay, according to GirlFriend Talk Forums at http://www.talk-sports.net/ahl/girlfriend.aspx?team=Syracuse+Crunch. His rakish good looks will undoubtedly be putting some serious booty in the seats at Rumpke Arena this season. Hunter says, "Skate easy youngster, your good looks have made the team kid."

Boy Toy Photo 2: Keanu Brassard

His new 4 yr contract extension comes as no surprise to those in the know. Howson is a HUGE Bill and Ted fan.

Again, GirlFriend Talk Forum says he's "all man." I have some interns* checking into this.

Photo 3: Raffi Torres

We knew Howson was a massive Billy Idol fan, but even I know that Billy has better knees than Raffi.

Photo 4: Tony "Exposito" Vermette

Put your shirt on pretty boy, you got the job!

Photo 5: Hunk-a-Hunk-a-Burning Love Mason

His Elvis-like good looks are attracting Columbus Grovetuckians and south-siders in DROVES.

Hunter Exclusive:

Jason Chimera and Jakub Voracek will be traded soon. (Have you seen their pictures?) Manny was gone as soon as he got hitched. And Scottie couldn't wait to get rid of Jody Shelley. Word to Nasher: Stay clean shaven and unmarried if you want to keep your job.

Hunter Prediction:

This year's season will be both ugly and pretty.

This is Bob Hunter.

*Mattlund and LTL

Columbus and Syracuse to switch rosters for the upcoming season.

noreply@blogger.com (Mattlund) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 15:54:00 +0000

COLUMBUS - In a shocking announcement at his most recent press conference, Scott Howson announced that Columbus and Syracuse would swap rosters for the upcoming season.

Howson, citing the claims of several outraged Syracuse Fans both online and on the streets as his reason for the swap.

"I took a long look in the mirror, and was disgusted with what I saw," Howson said at the presser. "I was cheating Syracuse, I was cheating Columbus, and most of all I was cheating myself and my family."

"For far too long, I left Syracuse drifting in the wind without quality players. What better way to give Syracuse a competitive squad than to give them a team that made the NHL playoffs last season? I think fans of departed Dan Smith will quickly forget when he is replaced by Jan Hejda."

Outraged reactions have struck Columbus after Howson's announcement, but the General Manager has simply said, "This is a matter of fairness. I will not budge in this decision. Something has to be done after Syracuse missed the playoffs ONE season in a row. Giving them a roster filled by guys such as Rick Nash, Steve Mason, and Derick Brassard will reverse this terrible, terrible trend for sure."

The Syracuse squad is expected to arrive in Columbus for training camp as scheduled in 2 weeks. The Columbus squad will report to Syracuse for camp at a later date.

In related news: Nikita Filatov, after discovering he is to live and play in Syracuse for another year, has attempted suicide and is in the ICU at Children's Hospital.

More news on this as it comes in....

Mattlund is a reporter for Blog Hunter on Hockey on a trial basis. He cannot be contacted by any means.