Toddler years and other nonsense.

The bad bits.

2017-01-18T12:29:00.001-08:00

4 in April

Right.

It is really really easy when talking about parenting to only say positive things, and to paint a really shiny picture of how everything is. When you have a little baby you are allowed to say you are tired, but after that saying anything negative about the whole experience leaves you feeling...like a failure, like a bad parent, like a monster. You also tend to diminish even in your own mind when things aren't going well. but they do exist, and they are frustrating.

So, here are the bits that aren't great

co-parenting is stressful and sometimes really sucks. Mostly me and Coyote work really well together. but there are aspects of parenting together that get really tough. different things wind the other one up far more without the other parent seeing what the big deal is. And I don't really have a basis of comparison of HOW to co-parent effectively. Herminone's dad just used to ignore everything I said, and my dad walked out when I was 4 so I was raised pretty much single handed by my mum. So i accidentally undermine Coyote when i don't mean to, and he looses his rag over things I wouldn't, and Tabitha manages to play us off against each other.
The mess. me and Coyote are not very tidy people at the best of times, we both like owning lots of stuff, and have difficulties organising and keeping it all clean...add in a toddler and sometimes things get hellish. Tabitha can undo any level of tidying within minutes. her preferred method of getting to something at the bottom of a container is to dump the entire contents on the floor. and has no compunction about just emptying a packet of crisps on the carpet because she got bored with them. we do try really hard to keep on top of everything, but its like fighting an oncoming tide. and all it takes is an extra guest or us getting ill with a cold for everything to succumb to entropy. and talking of illness...
being constantly ill. I really want to take Tabitha swimming every week. but sometimes months go by without getting to go due to sickness. This week so far I've caught a cold and Tabitha came down with a stomach bug that had us running around at 1 am cleaning sick of everything.
being constantly tired. We have been amazingly lucky with Tabitha, for the most part not only does she sleep well at night, she also sleeps quite late in the day...but again, all it takes is for her to have a bad weeks sleep to make us all exhausted. if she decides at 4 am that she has had enough of sleep she will wake up the entire house and keep us awake until she crashes 6 hours later.
Frustration. Toddlers can be amazingly, head beating against a wall, level of frustrating. when no matter what seat I'm sitting in she decides that she wants to sit there and I have to move and you have to decide whether or not to let her be a little tyrant or say no and end up having a fight over it. When she asks and begs for one particular food, only to reject it out of hand when you give it to her. when she's trying to tell you that she wants something and you don't have a clue what it is because she isn't explaining well, and she's descending into hysterics because she wants the thing, but you don't know what the thing is...yeah...I could actually easily keep on giving examples. But I have a very high patience level with children, and even I find myself at the end of my rope occasionally.
Tantrums. There are times when I would happily swap Tabitha for a bottle of wine. Because with all of the love in the world, a tantruming 3 year old is hell. Especially if she is tired or hungry or both. and sometimes you just can't stop it. and sometimes it happens out in public or in front of people you would really like her to be well behaved around...and it can absolutely get to the point when handing her over to someone else and running away sounds great.
not being able to keep nice things nice. Tabitha has so many toys I could probably throw away a whole bin full without her noticing...and yet, the things that she really truly wants to play with are all the things we do not want her to break. Laptops and ornaments and the remote control, the contents of my handbag...and she can climb to get things and has the capacity to go up really high these days, nearly nothing is 100% out of her reach when she's feeling determined. Sitting surrounded by all the toys she could want, and the thing she is willing to clamber, climb and fight to get will be the beloved thing that is no only expensive, but sentimentally important.
getting time or personal space to myself. Tabitha is better than a lot of children about not being constantly at the centre of our attention. but like any toddler, she has difficulties with the concept that ANYTHING might be more important than herself. Her favourite trick when feeling ignored in a conversation is to climb on me like a climbing frame and proceed to attempt to lick me. sounds adorable (and it is most of the time) but when you are trying to actually have a sensible conversation with someone or even just discuss what the plans are for dinner it gets tricky. she also does this if one of us wants to paint, or play a computer game. its why its almost impossible for us to do much roleplaying any more, because trying to do an activity that isn't all about her around her would just lead to tantrums and disruptions, and trying to organise things for after her bed time ends up meeting the whole "constantly exhausted" problem.

so yeah. everything is not always lovely and perfect and clean in this world of parenting, but it doesn't diminish the good things. I love Tabitha and Coyote with all of my heart.

Oh gods...shes taking after me!

2017-01-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

3 (4 in april)

Tabitha's personality is coming out more and more as time goes on. And what astonishes me is how much she is like me! especially how I was when I was younger. And it is starting making me reconsider the role of genetics in personality. I've always believed that there is a mixture of nature and nurture in how people are, but I've always leaned to the "nurture" side of things...my daughter is somewhat challenging that assumption.

For a start she is a massive tomboy. We've tried to raise her fairly gender neutrally, she gets to play with whatever toys she wants pretty much, duplo, a toy kitchen, teddies, creative stuff...but like me when I was her age she is heavily gravitating to things that are traditionally "boy stuff" she likes swords and dinosaurs and superhero's. If we ask her if she is a princess, she'll say "NO! I'm batman Tabitha". I cannot for the life of me get her into pretty girly clothes, instead she is most happy in jeans and a t-shirt. Which is exactly the same as how I was at that kind of age, and how my mother and grandmother were. I'm really sure I'm not massively encouraging this behaviour, in fact, it might be nice for her to be in a pretty dress occasionally, but nope, she flat out refuses.

She is a bloody minded individualist who doesn't care a fig for social convention...which again is massively how I was and still am. I occasionally go against social convention even when I'm actively trying to fit in! a perfect example of this is school uniform. she's been issued a school jumper, its not compulsory that she wears it, but the vast majority of children at the nursery happily wear it. Not Tabitha. The best I can do is get her to wear it on the way to nursery, and then she immediately wants to take it off. she simply doesn't care about fitting in with the other children. and for her nursery Christmas party I tried to get her into a pretty dress, or a Christmas top. She insisted on wearing her dinosaur costume. The argument of "but this is what other people do" means nothing to her. This actually worries me quite a bit, not caring about fitting in leads to not fitting in even if you want to. and though it has lead me to have a interesting life filled with some great adventures and I've ended up in place with some fabulous and likewise bizarre friends (you know who you are!). the journey to get to this place really hasn't been an easy one, especially in school where fitting in means the difference between having friends and ending up an outcast. I'm hoping her confidence and ability to charm the pants off everyone will bridge the gap and help her be both popular and unafraid of being individualistic. But again this trait is very heavily in my family, my mother was I bet the only school librarian in the country to drive to school on a motorbike, and is now taking trips to darkest India to learn more about fair trade, and my grandmother was a very forceful social worker who proceeded to travel the world (almost literally) when her husband died.

She also has a love of small shiny objects, stones and shells and bits of tinsel, anything that feels nice or looks shiny. Again this is a trait shared by both me and my mother and grandmother. we have all ended up with different magpie collections of one kind or another.

so yeah, in conclusion my daughter is turning into a smaller version of me, and I just really hope she also gets some of Coyote's strong and stable traits to balance out my chaotic madness.

(Tabitha on her way to her nursery Christmas party)

sex education

2016-11-17T13:28:00.001-08:00

3 (nearly 4)

I have started sex education with Tabitha.

I actually started it quite some time ago. since she was capable of talking I've taught her words like "Vagina" and "Nipples" and "Penis" she knows that she has a vagina and that boys have penises. she knows that mummies nipples look different from her nipples, but when she is older hers will probably grow to look more like mummies.

She knows that she came out of my tummy (she even knows that the doctor had to cut her out because she wouldn't stop wiggling!) and that me and her daddy made her, because adults can make babies if they want to.

She is being taught the rudiments of consent, we always ask permission before a hug or a kiss, and if she says "no" then we don't do it. she knows if she doesn't want someone touching her in ways that she doesn't like then she has to say "NO! STOP" and they should stop. She knows that the places of hers that are covered by her swimming costume are special and private, and she shouldn't touch other people in these places and that people shouldn't touch her in those places either without her permission. this applies to tickling or hugging or kissing or any other kind of touch she doesn't want right now. We always give her a choice between a hug and a kiss and a high five (most of the time she asks for all three) so that she has a choice in how she is touched.

I am teaching her these things for a handful of reasons

I do think its important for children to have an understanding about the world around them and their own bodies. I want her curious and knowledgeable, and I think a slow spreading of information over a great number of years is much better than an information dump when they get to 16. My goal is for her to never remember having "the talk" because she's just been given such a slow drip of information over the years that it doesn't come as a massive shock or surprise.
I don't want her to get caught up in weird myths about being left under the bushes by fairies or stalks or anything. me and her daddy made her with love, and she grew in my tummy from a tiny flicker of light into a fully grown person. that is miraculous enough, it doesn't need any fantasy attached.
I don't want her to be dangerously uninformed about things to do with sex, I don't want her relying off playground gossip or what she has seen randomly online. I want her talking to me and her dad, to get accurate knowledge and advice. it will keep her healthy.
I want her to be able to protect herself and better help me to protect her. if she has the vocabulary to communicate whats happening to her then she can tell me things like "my vagina is sore and i need nappy cream" or (god forbid, please never let it happen to my little girl) "that man tried to get me to touch his penis". if she doesn't have the basic words she can't tell me if something is wrong.
Consent is just flat out important, for children and adults. being able to effectively enforce boundaries especially when it comes to our own bodies is very important, and knowing that she has to listen to and respect other peoples boundaries is just as vital. Right now its just about "that boy doesn't want a hug right now, but maybe he would be happy with a high five?" or "OK, you have had enough of tickling, that's fine" but I want the methods of thought behind it to be stuck in her way of thinking. I want her confident in saying "no" and listening to "no". I want that to be part of her future relationships.

so there we go. I'm sure some people will be thinking I am starting much too young, and that I am in some way damaging her innocence...but I would prefer her to be safe and knowledgeable and happy than innocent any day.

another short horror story

2016-11-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

They say that the trenches and no man’s land of the 1^st world war was hell on earth.

Now you cannot tell what barbarity once happened there, it is a green and pleasant land where poppies grow...but perhaps when hell touches earth like it did in the meat grinder of the Somme, perhaps then some of hell gets left behind...

They still exist in this fragment of hell, undead and undying, unaware that the war is long past, because for them it is inconceivable that the war could ever end. They are ghost’s maybe, echo’s perhaps, partly sentient, but too brutalised to be called human any more.

But they exist, oh yes they do, just a breath away from us in the dark places that still linger, stand in the right place in those pleasant green fields where the poppies grow and they could almost reach out and touch you.

Their uniforms come in many kinds, and from many nations, but now the only colour they all share is mud brown, scum green and blood red. The ones that still speak, that still whisper prayer speak many languages, listen to them long enough and you will hear French, English, German all the languages of babel...they do not speak to each other, or even to you, only ever to themselves.

They deserted you see. Trapped in the horror and insanity of war, they gave in to the crashing waves of destruction and lost themselves. Got drawn together in a band of broken and mutilated men, hunting no man’s land, Any other soldier was their prey, they stole from bodies, created corpses, they rifled pockets for food and smokes and coin, and when their minds were well and truly gone, they took meat from their prey, meat flavoured with cordite and mustard gas.

Their ranks of the damned have swelled since that time, before the poppies grew. They joined from Stalingrad with feet and fingers black and frostbitten; they came from the camps where work promised to set them free, they came blackened from planes and helicopters burned up by napalm from lands far away sweaty with rainforest. They come from the sea and land and sky. This rabble of the damned and broken and lost has been seen in Kosovo and Rwanda, anywhere where hell has touched this earth again.

Their numbers continue to grow, grow daily, not just soldiers any more, but the very young and the very old have joined as well, children armed with AK47’s driven mad by all the evils the world has inflicted upon them have joined.

They live in the dark places of the world, where hope and humanity have become distant dreams, as hell spreads its stain on earth once again they walk out of the shadows muttering about how it will all be over by Christmas, about gooks and cockroaches.

Do they spread the shadow? Create it? Cause it somehow with their presence so close to our own? Maybe, maybe not. They do not work in concert, unless they happen to fall on a victim like wild dogs chewing, tearing and devouring. But their existence is like a rot in this world, or a boil filled with puss, more and more pain gets poured in, more and more the rot spreads and the pressure grows.

How long till they spill out and go from existing on the other side of the mirror, close but separate, to here with us? How long indeed. How long before humanity can stop creating its own hells and stop adding to the number of destroyed wrecks of people?

Perhaps it is already too late.

Perhaps.

Do you hear screams or bangs or people chanting sounds filled with hate and bile? Do you hear the cries of pain? Do you feel the rot of the world stretching its darkness around you? do you read in papers of cockroaches and infestation? do you hear the stabbing wrenching words that spew oil from mouths, words like, pakki, homo or nigger and feel the black slime splatter across you?

Maybe it is too late.

Maybe too late for us all.

Really sorry for the long break+potty training news!

2016-11-06T04:20:00.002-08:00

3 (nearly 4) years

sorry for having such a long break between posts. to be honest mental health stuff had got too much on top of me. but I am on higher dose meds, I have a psychiatrist keeping an eye on me and a cpn (community psychiatric nurse) to help, so things are perking up a bit (thank god!!!!) and I'm back on the up swing finally!!!

my goodness....a lot has happened with Tabitha since I last wrote, she has moved up a class in Nursery school (she's now in the bluebells room) and is now pretty much the most popular girl in her class! every day when I take her to nursery most of the other children see her and immediately start shouting "TABITHA!" they have squabbles over who gets to hold her hand walking in the gate!

We have also been on holiday to Whitby with some wonderful friends! and had a fabulous time playing on the beach and looking for bugs at the abbey and we stayed in the youth hostel at the top of the cliffs right next door to the abbey. we found fossils and shells, there was a huge sandpit in the youth hostels garden and Tabitha loved playing in it. the sunshine was glorious and me and coyote got sunburned because we were concentrating so much on keeping Tabitha covered up we forgot about ourselves, and I bought a top hat!

We had a great time trick and treating, Tabitha dressed up as a rainbow witch and we got to meet a lot of random neighbors and we got £1 from a drunk guy, and lots of sweets and generally enjoyed being out looking for monsters in the dark!

We have also applied for Tabitha's primary school. which is a terrifying and big decision. I really hope we have made the right choice for her. our first place school is the one attached to the nursery she's already going to, so it'll be good continuity hopefully with some friends she has already met. our personal experience of the school and the things we have heard from parents and teachers about the school is great. but the ofsted report on the school isn't brilliant.but a lot of that seems to be because of the high level of non English speakers in the area. and the school has since become a new school under a new headmaster...so it's all a bit of a gamble. i really hope we have made the right choice.

we had a lovely day out with Hermione and my mum. we went pond dipping and caught lots of little wiggling things! Tabitha and Hermione get along like a house on fire! its lovely!

and I think the biggest news we have is that we have got Tabitha potty trained! I was actually pretty easy. it only took a couple of days for her to really get the idea and since then accidents have become almost non existent. She was simply ready to do it I think. so as soon as we made it clear that nappies were a thing of the past and that she was going to get sweeties for every pee and poop (stickers were just not doing the job) she wanted to do it. to begin with she still wore nappies at night, but they were always dry in the morning and she was really good at waking in the night to sit on the potty, and then she started to refuse to put on her pull ups at night...and since then she has been totally dry. I also learned to not put pressure on her to sit when she didn't want to. just trusting her to tell us when she needed to go was hard, but she has inherited my husbands massively stubborn streak, so trying to push her only made her less want to. we also timed it so that she would start potty training a week before she moved up rooms in nursery, which meant she had a brand new start in a new room where she had never worn a nappy.

so in a nut shell here are my potty training tips

wait till they are really REALLY ready, no point rushing the issue. give it a week and if they are not making progress, go back to nappies for a while longer.
you WILL have accidents occasionally to begin with, especially in the first couple of days, don't make a big deal out of it.
bribery works!
lots and lots of praise for successful potty using.
trust your child and don't push them too hard. if you are having to push hard, they probably aren't ready.

(Hermione and Tabitha with pond dipping equipment)

(Coyote and Tabitha on Halloween)

(me and Tabitha at the abbey pond in Whitby)

Short horror story

2016-07-06T10:32:00.001-07:00

I wrote a short horror story, and I just thought I would share it here

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

I groan and roll over in bed. I’d just started drifting off to sleep when the noise started.

Damn it. I thought that the house behind ours wasn’t being rented right now. It’s the perils of living in back to back terrace houses with very thin walls. Noisy neighbors become the bane of your existence.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

They must be doing some kind of DIY project from the sound of it. But why on earth are they doing it at 12 am! They must be finishing soon though? Surely? I eventually manage to drop off to sleep in spite of the rhythmic bangs coming from next door.

I wake in the morning to bright sunshine and thankfully not a sound from my new neighbors. I tiredly get dressed and go to work. Glad their DIY antics seem to be over.

But the next night the same thing happens again!

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

It might be my imagination, but it seems like it’s getting louder! I glance at the clock, and its 12 am! Ridiculous! I can’t keep putting up with this.

I decide to go over and talk to them, explain how noisy they are being and hopefully they will be understanding.

I go over and bang on the door. But everything is suddenly silent in their house. No more thumping. And there are no lights on. The property looks empty. I bang on the door again. Standing in the dark street in pyjamas and hastily put on shoes. And suddenly I get the feeling I am being watched. It’s a cold creeping feeling of hairs on the back of my neck standing up. The silence suddenly doesn’t sound empty. It is a silence that sounds like someone listening.

I hurry back home. Back to the comfort of my own room and bed and lie under the covers shivering, but at least it’s quiet at last. Until...

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

The next morning I call the councils noise complaint line.

They are very helpful when I explain the situation. They tell me they are sending a letter to the tenant and landlord, that I need to keep a written record of what the noises are and when, and that if it happens again tonight to call the night time noise complaint number and someone will come over and have a talk to them.

I breathe a sigh of relief. It feels a bit mean bringing the council into this, but I just don’t want more nights of little to no sleep. And this should fix the problem. But I still feel a knot of anxiety in my stomach as it gets towards bed time.

I’m not even really trying to sleep this time, Even though I’m past exhausted from two nights of virtually no sleep. I’m just lying awake watching the clock tick towards midnight.

11:45

11:46

11:47

Still no sound, not even a whisper from next door. Maybe it won’t happen tonight. Maybe its all over.

11:48

11:49

My heart is in my mouth.

12:00...

For one blissful second I think I’m safe. Then...

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

I immediately pick up my phone and dial the noise complaint number. Then sit listening to the noise coming through my wall in the dark of the night.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Like a metronome, loud and insistent. Like a nail being driven into my skull, that goes on and on.

Then suddenly, silence. The thumping stops out of nowhere.

And I hear a knock on my door.

The knock makes me jump. It’s abrupt and surprising.

Rat-a-tat-tat.

But it’s only the men from the council. They ask about the noise, wonder what the problem is. I try to explain, but the silence in my home mocks my words.

But they offer to go next door and have a look. They return 10 minutes later and report that the house is dark and empty looking. No lights, no sound. No thumping. But more than that, they managed to contact the landlord, who confirmed that the house in question is currently uninhabited. They gently inform me that the landlord had in fact been to visit the property this very day and that he said that though there was some evidence of damage having been done to the property, suggesting maybe a vandal had broken in, but no evidence of a squatter. And as there is no evidence or sound of them right now, the house must be empty.

I beg the men, ask them to hang around. That the loud thumping noise was bound to begin again, they just needed to wait.

The men did what I asked. They waited with me quietly, waiting for the noise to start again. They were patient and kind to me. But as the minutes ticked on, no sound at all came through the walls. And they started to look impatient, glancing at their watches and checking their phones. Eventually we all gave up on hearing the sound and they left.

Of course as soon as they had gone and I climbed in to bed, almost numb with tiredness, it began again.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

I managed to eventually sleep, with the sound invading my dreams, I dream of a monster creeping out of the darkness, but the only thing I can hear is its drum like heart beat.

The next day I take off work. The sound has gone with the dawn, but I am still so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, and I don’t think I will be able to concentrate enough to get anything productive done.

I am determined if...when the noise starts again, I’m going to go over there, break down the door if I have to, anything to get it to stop. I feel like I am living in the middle of a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I want the intrusion into my house and my life to stop, I want to stop the feeling of fear and anxiety, that seems to be growing, to go away, even if it means breaking the law.

I don’t even bother to get into pyjamas tonight. I just sit on my bed and wait for 12 am to come. Wait for the thumping sound to start again.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

I flinch. And my face grows pale. But I am determined.

For the first time I notice that it is actually noisiest in my bedroom. It seems to be actually coming through the wall. I shudder and try to put that thought right out of my head.

I leave my house, and immediately the noise stops again. A dead silence. How do they even know I’m coming over? Are they listening to my every move? Why would they do that? It makes no sense. None of this makes any sense.

It’s only a handful of steps and then I am in front of their door again. I take a deep breath and then knock.

Nothing.

I knock louder. Loud enough anyone inside should surely have heard.

Again the quality of the silence takes on a different feel. It feels like there is someone waiting for me on the other side of the door, A malevolent thing listening to my scared breathing.

I turn the light on my phone on and try the door. To my immense shock and surprise, it swings open, with a drawn out creak. Its pitch black inside, and cold, but I screw up my courage and step inside. It isn’t carpeted, so my footsteps sound incredibly loud on the bare floor. The landlord was right, this place is empty, there is no furniture, no carpets, the heating feels like it’s not been on in a while as my breath is steaming the air.

I start to walk around, pausing before each door before swinging it open, I keep shining my light around, Piercing the darkness, expecting someone or something to come jumping out at me, Feeling like the first victim in a horror movie, still feeling the invisible eyes drilling into me.

The kitchen and living room are both still and silent and empty, a layer of dust lies on all the surfaces. Not even the movement of a rat or spider breaks the silence, just my footsteps echoing in the empty rooms.

I make my way upstairs, the silence and darkness are getting to me, I’m starting to wish I had just stayed at home and bought some really good ear plugs.

The bathroom is small, like mine, in fact this house is pretty much the mirror image of mine, the same lay out, just the other way round.

Only two rooms to go, one smaller bedroom, and the master bedroom.

I pause for a second, because I think I catch the sound of movement, someone stealthily moving in this pitch black house. I can feel my own heart thudding in my chest, and my breathing sounds impossibly loud.

I gently push open the smaller bedroom door, but again, everything is empty, there isn’t even a closet to hide in. Nothing but bare floor boards and dust.

I’m now almost sick from tension. Only one room left to look into, the master bedroom, the room that is exactly behind my own.

I slam the door open.

For a second I don’t really understand what I am seeing, this room is bare like all the others, but there’s something else too, something that shines when the light catches it.

I step closer. Trying to see. Trying to understand.

Then suddenly I do. Suddenly I know exactly what the noise has been this whole time.

The shining thing is a knife sticking from the wall, long and wicked looking, the wall itself has been badly damaged. Big chunks gouged out of it, stabbed out of it. That was the sound, the sound of a knife stabbing into a wall over and over and over.

My gorge rises as I realise that even though the wall between this room and my room is stone and solidly built, the impact of the knife has stripped away plaster board and dug into the stone, dug so far through in fact that the spot the knife is sticking into now has finally pierced all the way through.

I tug the knife free and kneel down, the hole is only just big enough to look through, but it’s enough to see...to see my pillow, where I lay my head every night.

Suddenly I am so sure, so very sure that something is behind me, about to grab me. I spin around but nothing is there. I can hear nothing over the sound of my panicked breathing. I trip and the knife clatters from my hand and scatters off into the darkness. I freeze for a moment, like a rabbit in the headlights. Waiting for the blow to fall on me.

But nothing happens.

And then I am free from my fear induced paralysis and I’m running and skidding, tripping and falling out of the room, down the stairs, out of the front door. Feeling like something is on my heels the whole time.

I make it to the main road. I have my phone and my wallet in my pocket. I call a cab. There is no way I am going back to my house now. I will call the police in the morning, explain everything. I’m not doing it tonight. It’s just too much. I’ll sleep at a hotel, away from the noise and the fear. I’ll feel better in the morning.

I hardly remember the journey in the taxi, or booking into the closest hotel the taxi driver knows will still let me in. I think I make up a story about a burst pipe and a flooded house. No one questions me.

And finally I am in a nice clean anonymous hotel bedroom. I feel such relief. Its quiet and warm and peaceful. I feel safe here. Normal. Back to my old self. I just need a good night’s sleep.

I strip off my clothes and fall into the bed, the energy of fear draining away suddenly and leaving me feeling groggy and relaxed.

It’s dark and warm and safe.

I breathe deeply, drifting...drifting down into the dark...

Until suddenly the silence is shattered along with any feeling of safety.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

What on earth do I do now?

Things I am happy about

2016-07-05T02:41:00.000-07:00

3 years!

Here are some things that make me really happy

1) Tabitha is moving up to the next age room in September! shes growing so fast!
2) our house. its still wonderful to me to have our own safe space that no one can take away from us.
3) Tabitha recently declared that "I don't want to be a princess! I want to be a dinosaur!"
4) Thinking about our wedding day and honey moon, our wedding day still rates as the happiest day in my life, and our honeymoon was also amazing. remembering the things we did still brings a smile to my face.
5) when Tabitha wants to get up to get breakfast, she will lie on top of me and say "The skies awake, so I'm awake! so I have to play!" then I need to gently push her off and say "go play by yourself!" then she says "do you wanna...eat some cereal?" (this will be less adorable to people who don't know, she is literally quoting the first lines of Frozen)
6) when I ask Tabitha "are you too big?" "No!" "are you too small?" "No!". then I ask "so what are you?" and she responds "Perfect!"
7) cuddling coyote at night. he is such a perfect teddy bear.
8) the view from the bus stop after taking Tabitha to nursery, beautiful green fields with horses in them.
9) coffee out of my favorite mug.
10) going swimming with Tabitha
11) reading "where is my hat?" to Tabitha at bed time (such a great kids book, plus, I love doing the voices)
12) looking forward to going to Whitby next month! we're staying in a youth hostel and spending lots of time on the beach!
13) playing Witcher 3, one of my birthday presents.
14) listening to harry potter audio books
15) Holding Tabitha's hand.
16) Tabitha now really likes taking a book to bed and "reading" to herself to get to sleep (it isn't real reading, but making up stories to go with the pictures, or remembering the story using the pictures as ques)
17) Coyotes cooking.
18) Tabitha blowing raspberries on me.
19) looking at my now alphabetized DVD collection
20) dying my hair (I need to do it again soon)
21) how often Coyote tells me he loves me.
22) that Tabitha will tell me she loves me without prompting.
23) Tabitha makes up the most awesome little stories and tell them to me on the way to nursery, her best one was about a friendly ghost that lots of people were being mean to because they were scared of it, then a little child told them to stop because they were friends with the ghost. and they all lived happily ever after.
24) the fact that I can now actually discuss things with Tabitha and come up with rules or compromises and that this actually works and she listens to me!
25) Tabitha telling me very proudly that she is a good girl because she remembers to have kind hands, a kind mouth, listening ears and no bossy boots!

Toddlers feelings

2016-05-05T05:45:00.003-07:00

age 3!!!

Tabitha had a really nice birthday, we went to the Yorkshire sculpture park with family and friends, and did lots of running around and climbing and looking for trolls and had a big picnic with a pink birthday cake that she helped decorate. all in all a lovely day. Tabitha is growing so fast! shes really tall and so so clever. she can now count to 10 fairly reliably and her vocabulary and imagination is growing daily.

Also...Congratulations little sister on the birth of your baby!!! Welcome to the world little Isla!!!!

Any way...

Children's feelings.

Its really easy as an adult to see kids emotions and reactions as not as valid and real as adult emotions. and lets be honest, when your toddler is having a meltdown because I refuse to let her eat gravel, its pretty funny, and reacting to the frustration of toddler crying with humor is perfectly valid.
but to the child its real, and the upset is real. children don't have the same sense of perspective as adults have, they haven't experienced the same rejection and disappointment as you have. little pains are big to them because they haven't experienced the pain of wisdom tooth removal or broken bones, to them falling down and hurting their knees is literally the worst pain they have any memory of feeling. And the same goes for emotional pain. it may seem really silly and funny to us to get upset over something little, but small children haven't felt any big rejections or traumas yet. as an adult I have watched friends die slowly of cancer, I've had long term loving relationships ending, I've not got into the university I wanted to go to...but to kids you saying "We don't have time to play right now, we have to go to nursery" IS a big rejection and disappointment.

Children also simply don't have the language skills yet to explain their feelings and reasons. Maybe she never intended to actually eat the gravel, maybe she had spotted a pretty little stone in there that she wanted to clean in her mouth and then keep it. but then I made her drop it on the ground and be lost forever. She would have no way really of accurately telling me any of that or explaining. She doesn't have the words or the knowledge to explain that she had a bad nights sleep and is feeling fragile right now. She doesn't have the language to explain that though she enjoys nursery once she's there, leaving me for a couple of hours still feels scary and intimidating. she doesn't know how to say that she worries that mummy might stop loving her if she also loves daddy.

I think the real killer is aiming the accusation at children that they are only crying for attention or manipulation. saying they are faking or doing crocodile tears. Children are capable of emotional manipulation, but their aims are simply to get love and approval from the people around them. telling them that their tears or upset is fake and funny would be desperately hurtful to a adult, and the same goes for children. no one wants to be told that their emotions and emotional reaction isn't valid or real. because to you, it is real. if a child is crying, it is because they want or need comfort. You should still hold firm on things, but you can do that while still validating that theirs emotions are very real "I'm really sorry I'm saying you can't play right now, I know it makes you feel sad, but you will have a great time at nursery and I promise we will play when we get home" or "I know you really want to see what that stone tastes like, but its been on the floor and is dirty so could make you feel sick" it also helps to give them the vocabulary to slowly learn how to express negative feelings and to deal with them by talking and explaining rather than feeling they have no other way of coping other than hitting or screaming.

how depression and anxiety feels

2016-03-16T12:42:00.003-07:00

3 very very soon!

I have been going through a really tough time recently. I had some of my benefits reassessed, which is massively stressful, and then we are going to have to appeal it...

Anyway. its left me in a really deep nasty spiral. the worst I have had in a long time. it was pretty horrible. I've been referred to getting a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) I've had my meds upped and been prescribed some tranquilizers for when I have panic attacks.

I feel kind of obligated to add a trigger warning to this post, as I do talk about suicide and self injury.

so yeah...

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

The way it feels
It feels like you are tumbling headfirst down the white rabbits hole, but the world you are coming out in is dark and threatening and completely unrecognizable. it feels like a shroud being wrapped over your thoughts and mind, everything feels dark, your thoughts slow down to a crawl and everything is tinted in shadow, but at the same time as that, some of your thoughts are speeding and tumbling and spiraling, every negative thing you have ever said or done comes back to you, everything feels like it is terrible and you can't stop thinking about the worst possible outcome of every situation and interaction.

When I am reasonably well I have thoughts like "you are stupid and disgusting and pathetic and everyone you know and love actually hates you, strangers despise you and there is no one more ugly than you" but I can tell they are "sick thoughts" and I try to ignore or dismiss them...when I am really ill, those thoughts become my thoughts, they feel like real facts to me. it feels like my very existence is a stain on the universe and that everyone would be happier if I was just gone.
This time round I actually found myself thinking "Tabitha and Coyote will have to put up with you and your craziness for the rest of your life, its selfish to stay alive. if I died it would be much better for both of them" and that thought felt really really reasonable and logical.
Feeling like this is almost physically painful, it hurts in your chest and stomach and mind. you stop sleeping well, and are always exhausted. it feels so absolutely wretched that literally every other feeling is better than that...and the thing that blots that feeling out better than anything else is physical pain. drinking till I throw up and then cutting myself till I have blood loss actually feels much better than the emotion torment of depression. putting a cigarette out on my skin feels better than that. overdosing on medication and then spending days throwing up blood feels better than that. seriously. I have actually managed to mainly resist doing anything really destructive to myself in a while, but that's only because I get a huge amount of support from Coyote and just couldn't do that to Tabitha.

And the anxiety is a whole other thing. The whole world feels terrifying to me. filled with danger. and its not something I can rationalize away. I know objectively that there is nothing scary about the supermarket or a phone call or letter. I know that objectively. but that really doesn't help the situation, because they feel like things that are verging on life threatening. lights are too bright and sounds too loud, every movement startles me. Coyote comes in to give me a hug and I freeze like he's going to hit me (he has never and would never do that, but try telling my stupid brain that sometimes). when I am having a panic attack I start crying and can't stop, tears pour out of my eyes without any level of control, and my lungs start feeling tight and small, I can only breath in small gasps, or hyperventilate. I can't calm down, I can't control it. I want to and sometimes end up, curling into a fetal position, frozen and crying. The worst thing about these kinds of anxiety attacks is that I can't necessarily predict them or even explain them. I had a big panic attack in a hospital once because I'd had my wisdom teeth out, but needed them checked again because of an infection. I was expecting a long wait for the appointment and had to go by myself. I thought I could handle it...but then I was taken in to be looked at much faster than I was anticipating, and that scared me. the dentist then didn't give me the diagnoses I was expecting (the diagnoses was actually much much better than what I had anticipated) but during the appointment I was scared enough that I started to cry...and then I was horrified that I was crying at nothing to complete strangers, which made it worse...in the end I had to hide in the hospital chapel gasping, crying and trying to hide from everyone. it is degrading and humiliating.

so that is how it feels, or at least that's the best way I can explain it.

though someone else wrote a poem that sums it up better than possibly I can:

I Am!

BY JOHN CLARE

I am—yet what I am none cares or knows;

My friends forsake me like a memory lost:

I am the self-consumer of my woes—

They rise and vanish in oblivious host,

Like shadows in love’s frenzied stifled throes

And yet I am, and live—like vapours tossed

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,

Into the living sea of waking dreams,

Where there is neither sense of life or joys,

But the vast shipwreck of my life’s esteems;

Even the dearest that I loved the best

Are strange—nay, rather, stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man hath never trod

A place where woman never smiled or wept

There to abide with my Creator, God,

And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,

Untroubling and untroubled where I lie

The grass below—above the vaulted sky.

just a poem

2016-03-05T05:24:00.000-08:00

I was trying to nap on the sofa after having not enough sleep and a poem wouldn't get out of my head, so I wrote it down. here you go:

My body is a temple

This body, oh this body of mine.
A broken temple... Or so it seemed.
Built of pain and scars and other people's enjoyment.

Then came a heartbeat. Then came a life, a light, a hope.

And I was reconstructed.
Built of hands to hold and arms to carry.
Curves made to be pillows.
For this child I love.

Our wedding

2016-02-21T08:13:00.001-08:00

Nearly 3 years!

so things have been a bit poop for me recently, in the crazy brain department. I've been referred to the community psychiatric nurse team, put on stronger meds...and slightly terrifyingly given some Valium to take when I get really anxious.

so any way, all that is poop, so I thought I would write instead about our wedding. mine and Coyotes. because it was in fact one of the happiest days of my life.

The biggest thing that I wanted for our wedding was that it be relaxed. there seems to be an awful lot of unnecessary stuff people throw at weddings (mostly to make money it seems) that make everything more complicated and stressful. I did not want any of that! I wanted a day that was relaxed and fun and personal to me and Coyote. Nothing too formal. I also wanted to keep the costs down.

We got married in the same registry office as my step dad and mum got married in, and we used a house that is owned by my step dads family for the party after. which meant a hell of a lot to me because my step dad has passed away, and I wanted to feel like he was there with us.

I bought tons of the stuff for the wedding online, I tried to go to wedding dress shops and do the whole "bride" thing...but it felt massively uncomfortable to me, I hated the fact that most places only really catered for brides who are skinny, and I hated the fact that most places didn't show or say what their prices were! I tried on a couple of wedding dresses at a charity shop to get the feel of them, but I also discovered something about myself...though I do actually look quite good as a white princess...it feels massively wrong to me. I wanted to feel like ME still. So I actually ordered a modified prom dress from Etsy.com (seriously, Etsy is amazing for wedding stuff) that was black and red and white and awesome. I also got my very shiny glass slippers (ok, they weren't actually glass, but shiny silk white with crystals on them, but to me they looked like glass slippers) and my tiara online. I also got Tabitha's dress online and let Hermione choose her own bridesmaid dress.

in the same vein as reducing costs and stress, we ordered paper flowers for the wedding, which are much cheaper than fresh flowers, and we could get them far in advance and then just keep them in boxes till the day.we also decided to ignore traditional catering and have a hog roast to eat! we also ordered lots of the decorations online and just ordered a bulk amount of wine and sparkling wine and Jura whiskey online!

anyway, in a lot of ways it felt like the wedding started the day before, we went to stay the night in Tadcaster at Alex's families house, and a lot of people actually showed up to stay over too! which was great fun, we went swimming in the little out door pool and a particular family of amazing munchkins (*waves to jenny, and hazels and Ivy and jamie*) helped do most of the decorating (they made the place look amazing!) and then that night we ordered a big indian take out and all sat round together eating curry and drinking wine and gossiping and enjoying ourselves. me and Coyote stayed in the same room that night (literally from when we got engaged we came to the agreement that we were not going to spend the night before such a big and stressful day apart!).

the next morning is a bit of a blur getting the last things ready and putting on my pretty things and Ania and my mum helping me sort out my hair (straighteners and red ribbons through my hair), and Hermione turning up and getting Tabitha dressed and trying to get her hair tied up (never did manage that one) and trying to avoid Coyote from seeing me in my dress! the Hogroast people arriving to set up and the bouncy castle arrived (did I mention we had a bouncy castle!!!!!!!)...and yeah, we did absolutely manage to leave late for my own wedding! we were 15 minutes late! luckily Coyote had got a lift from his best man and everyone else made it on time!

though nearly the first thing that happened when we finally arrived was being told that the music CD my maid of honor (Jay, my male maid of honor, to go with Coyotes female best man) had made didn't work!!! so I had to randomly pick from the CD's they happened to have. I pretty much picked songs at random because they made me smile...we left the registry office to "tainted love".

I walked up the aisle carrying Tabitha (which was just what I wanted, and she wanted me too).

the ceremony was lovely, it was relaxed and casual, people laughed and Tabitha stole the show by playing with the flowers and trying to play with the sound system and then insisting that she should sign the wedding certificate too. we used a couple of poems we loved and a poem that I had actually written specially for Coyote. I couldn't stop grinning, and neither could he. it was a loving and warm ceremony that felt amazingly special.

the weather had been predicted to be ok-ish. just about 10% chance of rain, but cloudy...but the first half of the day was bright and warm sunshine, it was perfect for a quick round of photo's (taken by a wonderful friend of ours) and eating my big pig sandwhich and cupcakes sitting on the grass outside (we didn't have any kind of organised seating, so people were free to wander and eat and chat, and we didn't have a wedding cake, because I don't like fruit cake and they are ridiculously expensive, so instead my mum, step mum and Ivy all made cupcakes for people to eat, and they were yummy!)

the weather stayed lovely till after the speeches (short and sweet from everyone, but wonderfully personal, even I did a speech!)

and then the heavens opened in a massive and dramatic thunderstorm that sat right over head and had big rolls of thunder and lightning flashes and a massive amount of warm rain! me and Tabitha went to bounce on the bouncy castle in the rain and lots of people did swimming in the out door pool in the pouring rain...it was amazing. everyone was chatting and enjoying themselves, there was even a big card game that continued through most of the day, just changing the people involved occasionally. we used our own little sound system and our own music, and some people started dancing (though not really us)...and generally everyone seemed to have a really relaxed and happy time.

it was amazing. the happiest day of my life.

p.s. http://www.thetravellingpig.com/ are the people who did our food, and they were amazing!!!

Feeling like I am winning

2015-12-31T06:20:00.003-08:00

2 years

The other day me and Tabitha and Hermione (my ex boyfriends daughter, not her real name) all went swimming together...

and it felt like I won.

The prize was watching them joyfully play together, enjoying each others company and their time together.

but it really felt like a win to me.

I have been in Hermione's life for...about 11 years now. The first time I ever saw her she was covered in chicken pox and sitting in the bath at about 2 years old. she is now 13 and nearly taller than me!
I dated her dad for roughly 8 years...and mine and his relationship was kind of complicated and not really easy. but in that time I never stopped caring for his daughter. I saw her pretty much every weekend, I looked after her over school holidays, we went out on regular "girly days" together where we would go and do something fun (like cinema, or museum or swimming or even just to the park together) and I would spoil her rotten. we had some really amazing times, like going to the playground in the heavy snow and going on the ziplines, like making a paper rocket that reached all the way to the roof of the media museum, like helping her learn to swim...I read her bedtime stories and changed her nappy, we went on holidays together, I went to her parents evenings and put her in time out when she needed it...

I would say I was like a mother to her, but that's not exactly correct, because she always had her mother as well, and I really did try to make sure that they had a a good relationship and that Hermione thought of her mother fondly when we were out together...I always thought Hermione herself described our relationship best when she turned around and told someone that I "was her Kat". it was just that simple.

I kept her relationship with her dad going much longer than I probably should have given the issues we were having. but I was terrified of loosing the bond I'd built with her. I couldn't imagine life without our time together. the last time that I left her fathers house, knowing I would be gone for good this time, I cried all the way home.

but I tried really hard to stay in her life. to begin with I sent her post cards every week, not saying very much, but I decorated them myself, and just told her that I loved her, missed her and said a little bit about what was happening in my life. she was 9 and without a phone or really any other way of contacting her easily...but eventually she got a phone of her own, and then she was old enough to get more involved with social media, so our methods of communication increased...and finally she got old enough and independent enough to start making her own choices about who she spent time with and when, and we have finally started having girly days that we organised ourselves!

When I had Tabitha I was really scared that she would feel abandoned or replaced, especially because having a small baby and then a toddler really did limit my time and energy and what we could do together when we did see each other. but I kept trying, I kept reassuring.

so seeing Tabitha and Hermione playing together happily at the swimming pool felt like a win. all the time and effort spent building and maintaining my bond with her, so she thinks of me happily and WANTS to see me, she wants to keep being in my life and wants to enjoy time with Tabitha...that's a massive win in my eyes.

(Hermione and Tabitha and our friend Ivy!)

p.s. Merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Marathon and not a sprint and other things

2015-11-20T08:47:00.002-08:00

2 years

I had a thought about parenting...my thought is this: its really easy in parenting to just think about the short term consequences. to focus on whats happening right now. You want your child to eat all their vegetables immediately, you want them to sleep through the night right away, you want them to obey you and listen to what you say all at once...and in all honesty, you can make a child do those things. you can force feed them vegetables and spank them whenever they do something you don't like. and you will probably get some great short term benefits from it...

but I don't think that is where your focus should be at all. I think what you should be trying to do is help to build the adult that your child will eventually become. the adult who thinks and understands and is caring and healthy. and a lot of quick short term fixes won't help to create that adult. spanking Tabitha might help in the short term to get her to be obedient and well behaved. but in the long term I think it would irreparably damage our relationship and turn her into an adult who thinks that hitting is an acceptable thing to do.

and here are some other random stuff:

Whenever we call Tabitha "our baby" she says "I'm not a baby! i'm a Tabitha!"
Tabitha's favorite phrase in the world is "I don't like it" *sigh* its tiring
Tabitha is doing really well at nursery, shes settling in really well and doesn't seem to be missing me as much any more
though she is doing really well at nursery generally, she has had several biting incidents, including once when she managed to break skin. this made me feel like poop. we are working on it with nursery.
Her favorite movies right now are "Corpse bride" and "Jumanji" I love both these films, so that's excellent!
she loved Halloween, and she went from starting to get really scared of the dark to wanting to go out in the dark all the time so that she can look for skeletons and monsters!
My little sister is having a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so so so so so so so so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!
Tabitha is already talking about Christmas, and saying "I can't wait till Christmas!" and I have to admit, I'm really looking forward to it too. it'll be the first year that she really understands whats happening and can fully enjoy it.
I have filled Tabitha's bedroom full of glow in the dark stars, during the day you can't tell. but in the dark suddenly the walls are filled with butterflies and hearts and fairies and stars glowing.
Tabitha has started to love "reading". shes can't actually read, but she memorizes whole sections of books and then "reads" them to us.
married life is still very wonderful, full of love and happiness. my husband means the world to me, and hes an amazing man and father. marrying him is still the best decision I have ever made.

Tabitha in her Halloween costume!

Being the favourite

2015-10-29T06:58:00.001-07:00

2 years

I am Tabitha's favorite person in the whole world. which sounds like a boast...but actually is pretty much just a fact. I'm the stay at home mum who wakes up with her every morning for cuddles, I read her stories every night. we go to the park and splash in puddles and chase balls, I take her swimming, I am willing to make a mess in the kitchen to do some painting and sticking, I have baths and showers with her. and I've breast fed her, which gave me a massive advantage in terms of bonding from her birth.

This isn't necessarily a good thing. I do NOT want to loose the close bond we have by any stretch...but it does cause some problems.

the biggest problem is that it hurts Coyotes feelings, when she automatically goes to me for hugs, when I get kisses goodnight but not him, when she literally tells him to go away... its not her fault, and its not his fault. but being occasionally rejected by your own daughter has got to sting.

its also problematic because I am the only person that she lets carry her, I'm the only one that can comfort her if she wakes in the night. its much harder for me to get time to myself and get a chance to sleep through the night than it is for Coyote. which becomes a real problem when I'm ill or want to go out by myself.

we are slowly trying to readdress the balance in this. Coyote has started comforting her in the night if she wakes up half the time, and I do still go out by myself or with my mum or friends so that they do get a chance to spend some daddy daughter time together. Coyote also does the pick up from nursery most days, and he says that the moment when she spots him and yells "DADDY!!!!" before throwing herself at him and then holds his hand tight all the way home is the highlight of his day.

but its a slow process.

I keep hoping that one day the tides will turn and suddenly daddy will be her favouritest person in the whole wide world, and I'll be boring old mummy. It would make Coyote so so happy to have that feeling. the feeling that I have now.

Nursery

2015-09-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

2.5 years old

Tabitha has started nursery recently! It was a really big deal to me finding her somewhere to go that she will be happy at. I have actually worked at a handful of different nurseries and have seen some places that are just awful and the parents would be horrified if they saw how the day to day running was...places where kids are yelled at and punished for extended periods of time for nothing much at all, places where the focus is more on keeping the place clean than the kids having any kind of enjoyment and stimulation, places where the staff to child ratio is dangerously out...all of this made me very nervous about sending Tabitha to nursery.

But I think I found a good place for her.

here are the things I looked for in a nursery:

What is their discipline like? To be honest I would be very wary of any place that describes their methods as "strict" or "firm". its really unfortunate but some people seem to be attracted to nursery work because young children are really easy to assert power over. they end up bullying and upsetting children in the name of "discipline". Gentle discipline where there is a focus on communication and redirection and praise to modify behavior instead of instant punishment is hard work. but ultimately it works much better and makes for a much happier experience for a child.
How clean is it? It does not need to be spotless, especially if its in the middle of a day with kids playing, signs of play dough and sand and water being actively used is a good thing! but its a fine balance between messy due to kids having fun and messy because the place isn't being regularly cleaned and maintained. look for damaged toys and broken equipment.
What's the rough education level/age of the people there? If most of the staff are barely 18 and most of them have only got a NVQ level 1 then that says that management are making cuts by hiring under qualified school levers. Some students working there who are working towards their NVQ level 2 is fine, but if its the majority of staff then it becomes a problem.
What are their staff ratio's like? when you visit do any of the staff seem overwhelmed trying to keep an eye on multiple children? can the kids go outside whenever they want or do staff numbers dictate that if one child wants to go out everyone has to because they don't have enough people to watch the kids.
What is the building like? Is it a purpose built nursery, or is it a converted house? a place that's been built specifically to be a nursery will be safer and better equipped generally. a place that's a converted house will mean that every journey up and down stairs with pre walking children is potentially dangerous (you try carrying two wiggling babies down a flight of steep stairs for a meal and then tell me it isn't!)
Do they have out door space for the children? getting to run around outside and enjoy the sunshine is important! its also important for them to occasionally get damp from playing in drizzle or cold and enjoying the wind or ice. its a space where kids can happily run around with less control necessary
Do they encourage messy play? especially for very young children (1-3 years ish) children do a lot of their learning with tactile play, they are less about pretending or "playing" in the classic way we imagine it, and more about feeling, tasting, smelling and hearing new things. its important for their development. plus, you can't play with a big tub of shaving foam at home due to the mess, but they should get the chance at nursery!
How much plastic is there about the place? Brightly colored plastic toys always look good, but for young children who are still exploring with their senses then they are boring, because they are all the same to touch. look for if the kids get to play with natural materials, do they have shells/rocks/bits of wood to play with?
How much of a shoe string is the place run on? If the staff are only allowed to get new books once every year then every ripped book will turn into a crisis. if most of the toys are second hand or donated from parents then things will be broken or damaged or dirty or just inappropriate (I worked at a place that used a big donation of books that were all heavily christian or bible themed, which gives the children a very strong, if unintentional message about religion). if there is no money for new pens or paper or paint then the kids won't get a chance to do creative things.
What are the meals like? do they serve a decent range of fruit and vegetables? is the food at least reasonably healthy? and personally, in an ideal world, the staff should actually eat meals with the children because that models good behavior and eating for the children.
Do they have trips out? occasional day trips out is wonderful, they get to see and experience entirely new and different things.

I have roughly ordered these by importance. but in some ways the most important thing is hard to qualify. its the staffs over all attitude to the children. when we met the manager of the nursery that Tabitha is going to she told us that she told all her staff to treat the kids the way they would hope that their own would be treated. the staff seem enthusiastic and caring and like they were having fun. I got speaking to one staff member, who was about to leave the nursery to train to be a social worker who told me that if she could send her child anywhere, she would pick there.

Also just trust your gut when it comes to your child's nursery. I know there are a lot of very wonderful nurseries out there with some really excellent staff. but there are also places that are badly run and care nothing about the children other than as means of making money and staff who just enjoy bullying the children. keep your eyes open and do not be afraid to switch nurseries if you have to.

I've given in and got reins.

2015-09-01T05:59:00.002-07:00

2.5 years

Sorry its been so long since I last wrote anything. I've been very busy and stressed. but me and Coyote are now married! Tabitha and Hermione were there as bridesmaids and it was lovely! so I should be less busy now for a bit...hopefully.

I had always said I wouldn't use reins for Tabitha. I tried so so hard to not use them for her. I tried using lots of positive reinforcement for holding my hand while we were out of the house, giving her safe places where she could run around in, we tried keeping her occupied helping us in places like the supermarket so that she would stay near us, I tried teaching her "stop and go!" games so she would learn to stop when I called, I tried slow counting, I tried just keeping up with her as much as I could...but...

Our daughter is strong willed, absolutely fearless, stubborn, impulsive, curious, playful and with a strong streak of 2 year old devilment in her. all of the tricks I tried worked really well... for some of the time. some of the time she would listen and hold hands and stay safely with us, or at least at a safe distance from us...but some of the time, when she's tired or grumpy or simply spots something that is so interesting to her that she simply doesn't care that running away to look at it will have negative consequences, then she's off and away faster than I can easily keep up with her! (especially if I have hands full of shopping or its in a crowded place that I can loose sight of her easily). she is totally fearless and will happily get out of sight of us without being in the least bit concerned. she runs out of sight, she runs into roads to chase pigeons, she goes to grab and cuddle strange dogs, shes even decided to run off a train platform!

its terrifying! the last straw came when we were on our honeymoon and went to the natural history museum in London. the place was absolutely packed with people. if I had lost sight of her then she would have been lost very very quickly, but nothing we said or did could convince her to stay holding our hands...it just wasn't safe. so we got her some reins that make it look like shes a dinosaur with a compartment for holding her toys in...and quite frankly I felt like a monster.

Reins are both great and kind of horrible. they do absolutely look and feel like you are taking a dog for a walk, which feels horrible to me because that's not the kind of relationship I want with Tabitha at all. they also encourage lazy habits, when I had to rely of communication and interaction to keep Tabitha focused on staying with us then it meant I also had to rely focus on her. with reins you can be much more relaxed about that. I am also sure I got a lot of people judging me for having her in them, especially when she tried to run away while wearing them, and I used the reins to stop her which resulted in her having a massive toddler melt down on the floor in the middle of a train station.

on the other hand...in London they were an absolute god send. especially when she wanted to chase after EVERY SINGLE PIGEON THAT SHE SAW!!!! ALL OF THEM!!!! (ahem) it meant I could relax, I hadn't realized how tense I was getting constantly waiting and watching for her to try and do a runner until I didn't have to worry any more. I could relax and enjoy things a lot more. she was undoubtedly much safer on reins in a bunch of situations, in busy crowded or dangerous places (like the London underground) they did keep her close to me and safe, and she herself doesn't seem to mind reins most of the time. she happily puts them on so she can "be a dinosaur" she also seems to like being able to carry some of her own toys around...

so ultimately I am very ambivalent to reins. I still dislike them on principle, and if I had more relaxed timid child I would absolutely not use them. but fortunately/unfortunately I got what I wished for in a child that believes she is invincible and has almost no fear of anything. so we are going to keep using them. though hopefully we will keep their use at an absolute minimum.

these and her reins.

My little bridesmaid.

Why I keep on breastfeeding

2015-05-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

2 years.

The issue of extended breastfeeding is a somewhat controversial one. I have friends who have told me that its disgusting, one who said it was child abuse, and since I had Tabitha at least one friend asked "but you'll stop when she can ask for it right?"

But I never actually made the active decision to do extended breastfeeding. I used to be very firmly in the camp of "its weird when they can talk". but somehow, here I am, still breastfeeding a toddler. and mostly it comes down to pure idleness I have to admit.

My original aim for breastfeeding was to just make it to 6 months. I would have been happy if I achieved that. its the recommended minimum for breastfeeding. and to begin with it was damned hard work, getting the latch right, and then the 8 hour constant feedings, so I basically lived only able to do anything with one hand. I was so often exhausted.

but then once we hit month 6 we'd got into the swing of things and her feeds were getting shorter (babies tummies get bigger so they stay full for longer and they get better at getting the milk out effectively), so we decided to keep going for a year.

after about month 7, once her feeds were heavily supplemented with normal solid food it got easier again, she quickly got more and more interest in proper food and less and less in milk, so she started missing milk feeds as she realized she would get full on potatoes and peas instead. Milk became essentially a snack.

and then we got to a year old...and breastfeeding was just so easy. she only wanted a couple of feeds a day normally. and it was so helpful when she was ill or teething, or having a growth spurt...so with Coyote's full support, I decided to give it another year and then wean.

at least once during that year (when Tabitha was really ill with a cold) her doctor told me that it was good that I was still breastfeeding, because it meant that we didn't need to worry about dehydration so much. and it kept on being a brilliant way of giving her comfort if she was grumpy or over tired or ill. it kept on being something she wanted and something I didn't mind doing.

but I said very firmly that once she got to two then I would wean. of course then very soon after her second birthday she got the hideous norovirus, and then breastfeeding was about the only thing that kept her hydrated, so then I was waiting for her to get completely better from the bug, and she's pretty much down to one feed a day (in the morning, she hates mornings about as much as I do, and seems to need it to wake up)...so now...I don't know. I want to stop some point soon (I would like my body back, thank you very much) but I don't want to upset her badly over it, especially if its needlessly...she still seems to get something out of it. even if its just comfort...so I don't 100% know where to go from here, or if I am going to just go cold turkey soon, or see if she will self wean gradually. it might be easier if Coyote wasn't so completely supportive, but he's happy as long and me and her are.

I also wanted to talk about some issues that people have with extended breastfeeding:

"Its weird when they can ask for it" I used to think something like this too. but after having Tabitha...she's been "asking" for milk since she was born, to begin with she asked by wriggling her head and crying, then she learned to sign for milk, and now she uses the word "milk" but it never started feeling weird to me.
"its sexual" yeah. NO. right now to me, its about as sexual as eating a cheese sandwich. its completely mundane. I can get the shock factor of seeing someone else breastfeeding might feel sexual...but that it very much projecting emotions onto me.
"they are using you for comfort" well...yes. but I am her mother. I give comfort to her all the time. I use hugs and words and kissing it better and the occasional milk feed...its pretty much my job.
"they won't eat food" you can absolutely keep breastfeeding once they are eating solid food. it doesn't have to be all one or the other. and you really can skip "the formula stage".
"it will emotionally stunt them, or something!" I highly, highly doubt it. its not a traumatic thing for a child to go through, I'm not preventing her from gaining independence in other ways, she's very unlikely to even remember it, and even if she does remember it...I don't think it'll be any different to her than any other comforting memory.

I think this is the first time I have had to say this on my blog...but be nice. I get that people can feel a bit weird about extended breastfeeding. but if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all!

Noro virus hell

2015-05-12T04:25:00.000-07:00

2 years old!

Parenting is often fun and lovely...but quite often it is much MUCH less glamorous.

Recently we ALL came down with a bloody nasty stomach bug. I came down with it first, I suddenly woke up in the night feeling distinctly....green around the edges....and then...well, I won't go into too many details. but I got very ill. and I felt like I had been hit by a truck, I was so exhausted, I could barely leave my bed or the bathroom. I spent the next 24 hours either sleeping or being ill. I very luckily have a wonderful friend who came round to watch Tabitha, because I was in no fit state to actually effectively parent (Thank you Jenny!!!!). the problem was, its very very hard to explain to a toddler why you can't play with them, or hug them a lot or generally act normally when you are ill, because they simply don't understand the concept. I try reading her books about being poorly (like "I am ever so not well" the Charlie and Lola book") so at least she has some level of understanding, but it still leads to a frustrated upset toddler who doesn't know why mummy is suddenly not acting like mummy any more.

Finally about 48 hours later I was feeling more human again. I was still weak and wobbly, but much more human than before.

Then I was lying in bed, about 9 o'clock at night, after Tabitha had gone peacefully to sleep. and suddenly I heard a strange coughing noise from Tabitha's room. I waited listening for crying or any other sign that she had woken up upset, but heard nothing more. I tried to relax, but 10 minutes later I decided to go and have a peek at her and see if she was OK...

It was a scene of horror. she had vomit EVERYWHERE. it was all over her, her sleeping bag, her bed, it was in her hair...she had basically been sick and then fallen back asleep in the puddle of it. I quickly woke up a very grumpy Coyote (he's like a bear with a sore head if disturbed from sleep) and tried to get everything clean, I quickly got her undressed and wiped down, and got her bed cleaned (with Coyote's help). I got out the spare sleeping bag and put her in it...at which point she was sick again, all over the new sleeping bag and me. at this point it was decided that she could sleep with me in our bed and Coyote would sleep in the spare room.

I gave up on the idea of her wearing any level of pajamas's or sleeping bags, and just had her in a nappy and wrapped in towels. for the next about 4 hours or so she basically didn't stop being sick. by the end she was just dry heaving and crying while I rubbed her back and stroked her hair. she buried herself into my arms trying to get as much of her body as possible against mine. she had a temperature and was obviously exhausted. I kept on giving her sips of room temperature water. but not much stayed down...I was genuinely concerned for her, keeping on looking for signs of sever dehydration, looking for rashes...if it had kept on going I was really considering taking her for a trip to the hospital...but eventually we both went back to sleep, all cuddled up together.

The next morning we both woke up feeling like death warmed up. but at least her sickness seemed to have subsided finally. so we went for a long hot shower to get properly clean together. I was sitting under the stream of water with Tabitha on my lap, playing with bubbles and generally trying to feel better again...when Tabitha said her first full sentence to me...

"I love you mummy"

and with that it was all completely worth it.

of course 48 hours later Coyote came down with the same bug...

Happy mothers day to me!!! and how we got a well behaved child

2015-03-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

23 months (after next month i will switch to years rather than months)

I had a very nice mothers day, with new pajamas's and a couple of Disney movies and a lovely card. and a lie in!!!! My coyote and daughter are wonderful.

This post could be absolute hubris and be tempting fate...Tabitha could turn over night into a screaming tantruming monster...still...

I have got a fair number of comments about how Tabitha is a really well behaved, how she sits nicely in restaurants and eats her food well and doesn't tantrum often. so here is how i think we have achieved this (other than random luck of DNA of course).

we compliment much more than we criticize: we are constantly tell Tabitha what she is doing well. that shes listening well, being gentle or kind or helping. we tell her we love her and that she is kind and clever and beautiful and is a good helper and tries really hard at things and that she's such a good girl. its easier for children to behave well when they know what the should be doing rather than just what they shouldn't be doing.
we don't sweat the small stuff: if whatever Tabitha is doing won't hurt her or damage something we care about. then we don't care. if she wants to put her peas in her water glass or eat a mouthful of non toxic paint, then fine. it won't do any harm.
we don't stress about food: its really easy to get worked up at meal times, you want so desperately for your child to eat their vegetables. but turning meals into a battle won't help any one. so we simply give her whatever we are eating and let her get on with it. she doesn't have to eat everything on her plate or eat her something she doesn't want to. she just copies us eating normally and generally gets around to trying everything on her own. we also always give her fruit after a meal, so if she hasn't enjoyed much of what we she was given, I know she won't actually go hungry because she'll have eaten a banana or an orange. if she has eaten her food well then she just gets a much smaller amount of fruit.
we give her lots of attention. i am always talking to Tabitha, especially when we are out and about. on the bus or the train we point out interesting things out of the window. she doesn't have to yell and scream to get us to focus on her.
i give her chances to try things herself: she puts shampoo on her hair and helps rub it in, she brushes her own teeth (i then "finish them off"), she drinks out of a cup even though i know she might spill. she needs to have a chance to try things for herself.
bed time is fun: it involves lots of little games and cuddles and stories and kisses. if she wakes up in the night or is crying straight after we put her in her cot, we give her 5 minutes to settle herself, and if she doesn't calm down, or if she sounds genuinely distressed rather than just tired and grumpy. I go and pick her up and keep everything still quiet and cuddly and sleepy, she gets a drink and a big cuddle. then I will ask her if she's ready for bed yet. half the time now she says yes! if she says no then she gets some more cuddles, before I ask again.
we do a count down: if she doesn't want to do something that she needs to do (like getting dressed) she gets a slow count of three before I make her do it. that gives her a chance to choose for herself to co-operate.
we do NOT yell. we do NOT smack her. yelling and hitting will just teach her to yell and hit. or make her afraid of us. it won't make her behave well. if she has done something really bad, like biting or hitting, then she gets a time out of about a minute and explained why its not good to do. I stay calm and quiet and serious. I get down to her level rather than standing over her being intimidating.
I try to explain why we are doing the things we do. I explain why we are cutting her nails, why we have to wash her hair, why she can't eat sweets all the time, and I keep explaining and repeating myself until it starts to sink in.
we try to model the behaviors that we want: we say please and thank you and sorry to each other and to Tabitha. we eat nicely together using the table manners we want her to do. we try things with her so she can see what to do (I don't sit and tell her how she should be coloring in or painting, I just paint or color with her and she copies what I do). we don't use bad language around her (my personal code for that is "would it upset me if she used that word? yes? OK, don't use it around her") we show her how to be kind and gentle and demonstrate how to do those.
we try to give her the words she needs to understand her own emotions. "are you feeling cross/sad/frustrated?" and giver her sympathy about them "I know you want sweets, but you can't have any right now, I'm very sorry that its making you sad and cross". its ok to feel negative emotions, its what you do with them that counts.
we try to listen to what she says and respond to it whenever we can. if she's asking for a cuddle or a drink or telling us something, we listen to it.

anyway, that is what we do and don't do. of course, every parent and family will find something that works for them. this is just what has worked for us.

(Tabitha decided to color herself in purple...)

Imagination and other things

2015-02-19T12:35:00.001-08:00

22 months

I have a friend (hello Aura of hostility man) who's mum apparently never lied to her kids, even "white" lies about Santa, or the Easter bunny. because she didn't want her children to ever doubt her word...and this got me thinking about the lies we tell children. because my mum by contrast "lied" to me all the time. for years whenever we were out on walks and found acorn cups I was told that they were fairy drinking vessels, and she'd tell me to watch out for the wolves in the woods, and Santa stayed very real in our house (even my grandmother gets a Christmas stocking). and to me those "lies" were magical. they populated the world with fairies and goblins and dragons and unicorns. but I never doubted her word about anything important either. I felt no sense of betrayal when I figured out that these things weren't real in the normal sense of the word (apart from Santa, who totally exists and still leaves me a stocking every year). I can absolutely see the logic behind not creating these fantasies and stories for children...but to me that underestimates children's abilities to create fantasy worlds and live a rich imaginative life while at the same time understanding the difference between that and the mundane realities of life. So I have made the active decision to continue to do what my mother did. I tell Tabitha to look out for wolves when we are walking near woodland, and the things that roar past your train while you are in a train tunnel are the dragons that live in tunnels, ogres live under bridges and say "who's that going trip trap trip trap over my bridge?!?" and fairies get into washing machines and steal socks, and Santa is a fact of life who brings you presents if you have been a good girl this year.

I have also decided to let Tabitha play in a violent way while teaching her how to be safe and gentle about it. we have bought her a couple of wooden swords and a wooden shield, and she loves having pretend sword fights, banging the swords around and yelling "stab, stab, stab!" and getting you to fall over. which I am sure would horrify some parents out there...but hear me out. I think that pretend violence and rough and tumble play is completely normal. children will do it even if you never let them have access to toy guns or swords or bow and arrows. I think it's even healthy for them to act out fake aggression. plus, its fun. so while she is swinging swords around, we emphasize being careful and gentle and how not to hurt people while she is doing it, we demonstrate gentleness, and praise her for her gentle play. its clear that this is play, we are playing with her and she understands the difference, just as she understands that when she makes us a cup of tea in her play kitchen that she is not actually making tea.

Sorry its been so long...

2015-01-16T12:04:00.003-08:00

21 months

I am so sorry its been so long. life has been intensely busy for a little while. we have had Christmas and moved house and I've been having depression issues recently (back on anti-depressants, boo!). and I've been organizing the wedding, and we didn't have internet for about a month...and generally we've had no time to even turn around!

so here are some of the things that Tabitha has been up to:

she has been sleeping really well in her own bedroom! we've had absolutely zero issues transitioning her. she sleeps happily all night, and only takes 5 minutes most nights to drop off to sleep, in comparison to the 45-60 minutes she took in the old flat.
she had a really fun Christmas, we went to see Santa and her eyes were like saucers.
for Christmas we got her a massive play kitchen that she loves.
she learned the word "snow man" (that she says 'Noman!') and "bauble" and "lights". but she thinks snow men and Santa are interchangeable.
she has learned her first joke, she says "banana?" I say "do you want a banana?" and she starts giggling like mad and says "NO!"...it is actually hilarious to me.
her language is coming on in leaps and bounds, we can now actually have conversations with her and she can communicate properly what she wants. which is awesome.
she has peed on the toilet for the first time!!!! we've got one of the toilet seat cover things that means that toddlers can sit on the toilet, so for a little while before we put on a clean nappy she's been wanting to sit on the toilet like mummy and daddy do, and now she has peed! she got a round of applause and much cheering.
she is getting really ready for nursery school...but I'm still going to wait until she is 2. I want her to have this really secure time at home for now.
she is getting so BIG. really tall and loosing all of her baby tubbyness. where did my little baby go?
Toddler tantrums are very much a thing now. she screams and throws herself on the floor and gets frustrated and throws things on the floor. this is not fun.
she is a little ball of destruction. she can open doors and open boxes and undo zips and destroy stuff. nothing is safe from her any more.
her imaginative play is really coming on, everything is a telephone and she likes holding pretend conversations with granddad and granny. she will also brush toys hair, and cuddle them like I cuddle her, and dance with her Gruffalo toy...its adorable.
she has now completely mastered a spoon and fork. again, thank god for baby led weaning, we didn't have to teach her to do it, just kept using them in front of her, and she copied us. she is also finally getting much neater with her eating. she is also using a proper cup and only occasionally tipping its contents all over herself and the table.
she is now trying to run. but hasn't mastered the art of bending her legs, so she just waddles really fast.
she really likes brushing her teeth...I have no idea how we have managed to achieve this. but she won't let us put her to bed, or leave the house without her brushing her teeth. with grown up tooth paste and everything (as directed by the health visitor, something to do with no fluoride in the water here).
she is a absolute cannon ball with other children. she loves them, but doesn't understand how to be gentle with them, so in her enthusiasm to make friends, she runs up and grabs and hugs, often accidentally knocking over the child in question...most parents are understanding about this...but sometimes really not.
she is still such a happy, content little thing, always smiling and saying hello. and I still love her with all my heart.

having a house has made such a big difference to our quality of life. it is amazing. so much stuff is easier and less stressful. and I can't wait to be married!

(this is Tabitha after the first night in our new house!)

Tabitha dislocated her arm

2014-11-12T05:20:00.001-08:00

19 months

So...Tabitha dislocated her arm and i feel really really terrible about it.

It was such a stupid thing. We were at a shopping center and Tabitha tried to make a run for it. so i grabbed her arm, and she threw herself down on the ground as i did it. its something that she does at least 5 times every time we go out (she is slowly learning to stay holding my hand in busy places, but she is both willful and cheeky). so i didn't think much of it. i _know_ i didn't grab her hard, i mainly got her sleeve, and she didn't start crying or anything.

and then we sat down for lunch...and she slowly got more and more upset. we thought that she was just teething or tired...but she was unusually upset, and i noticed there was something odd about how she was using her arm...

in a horrible co-incidence we were actually heading to my doctors straight after lunch, to ask about going back on anti-depressants (moving house is really REALLY stressful). and by the time we got to the doctors it was clear her arm was really hurting her and she was holding it all stiff by her side and not moving it when she walked...and my stomach dropped. I had hurt my daughter. I had hurt her arm. it hurt my heart that I had done that. so much shame and fear and self disgust. I was terrified everyone would think that I had done it on purpose and take her away from me...i ended up crying to the doctors receptionist, because I just didn't know what to do, or say. I couldn't stop crying.

My GP was suddenly faced with not only me crying and explaining how I was having a really hard time and feeling depressed, but we were also asking her to look at Tabitha's arm explaining that I had hurt her...it must have looked so SO bad. but she was really nice and really reassuring and explained it was very common, but we did need to go to A+E to get her checked out. and she tried to put the arm back in place by twisting it, which made Tabitha scream, which upset me more...

At the hospital they were really really nice. I had managed to get myself under control. and Tabitha was much less upset. she only cried when she had to move her arm...we didn't have to wait too long. but she did need a x-ray just to check that nothing was broken (I told Tabitha how it was a magic picture to show her bones) and I had to help hold her arm still so they could do the x-ray, which hurt her even more. but Tabitha was so good and stayed still and cuddled into me.

The doctor then had to try to get the arm back in place, making Tabitha scream again, because the GP hadn't managed it (apparently it is really hard to tell if its worked, you just have to feel it and then see if the child starts using it normally again). but that didn't work. so she had to try again. by this point just the doctor touching her made Tabitha cry...but thank goodness, after that she used her arm properly a couple of times, and the doctor told us to take her home and keep an eye on it to see if she started using her arm again normally, and if she didn't to bring her back in the morning.

the next morning Tabitha was still refusing to use her arm, and she was still crying every time we moved it. so we got ready to go back to the hospital...but 5 minuted before we were going to leave the house Tabitha picked up a ball in her bad hand and threw it down the stairs. she then decided to try to brush her own hair using both arms...and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

since then I have actually had a follow up call from my health visitor. and I know it was to double check my story, to see if it sounded suspicious.

and I still feel horrible about it all. it was just such a stupid little thing to do. I didn't grab her hard. I really didn't! but Coyote wasn't actually looking when it happened. so now I have a horrible voice in my head doubting and telling me maybe I was too rough.

bah. it was just horrible.

power in touches

2014-10-11T04:46:00.001-07:00

18 months

There really is an odd kind of power in touches, you put yourself in a completely vulnerable position when you love someone. Coyote has touched every inch of my body at different times. he's held my feet while the dentist was pulling a tooth, he's stroked me hair and rubbed my back, every night I cuddle him before I go to sleep...and there is power in that. I am so completely vulnerable to him. he could hurt me in a hundred different ways, and I could hurt him. We could hurt each others bodies and hearts so easily. but we don't because we love and trust each other. and that makes those touches more powerful and more important than touches that didn't hold any vulnerability.

And the same thing goes for Tabitha. She has a delicate little body, and fine, soft bones, she still has her soft spot in her skull, her skin is like smooth satin...the power we both have over her is terrifying. I feel it every time I pick her up. my beautiful daughter with her straight limbs and round baby tummy, her strong back and perfect body...we have so much power that could be so destructive...and yet she trusts us so completely. as we get older we become more and more afraid of getting hurt. but she hasn't learned yet. life will hurt her at some point. she will be vulnerable to someone who won't understand that power and will abuse her trust...and that terrifies me,

I want to protect her forever. I want to be worthy of her trust.

Being judgmental

2014-10-01T03:52:00.001-07:00

nearly 18 months

it is very very very easy to be a judgmental parent.

I have been on the receiving end of other people's judgement, and done it to other people. and it sucks all round. I think part of the problem is that you only see a snap shot of time in their lives. you see the baby crying in line at the check out, and you judge the parent for leaving their poor baby to go hungry...what you don't know is that actually the baby isn't hungry, its teething and they've done everything they can to make the baby feel better already, but now they _have_ to go shopping for tonight's food and are feeling terrible.

I used to get the dirtiest looks from people when I would take Hermione out for a day out, because I already look young (seriously, when I was 26 someone honestly thought I was about 14), and people would see how old she was and presume I was a teenage mum. they of course didn't know that actually I was taking out my boyfriends daughter for the day and that I was well over 25.

You also can't win, because someone will be judging you. I am a stay at home mum who is still breastfeeding. I'm sure some people in my life judge the breastfeeding and people have already made comments about how she must not be getting socialized enough because she is not going to nursery every day. but if I was bottle feeding and working full time I am sure I would get just as many judgement's for being an uncaring mother. you take your child out and let them run around the park, and you get judged for putting your child at risk, if you keep close to them then you are a helicopter parent...you seriously can't win.

I think people judge because of lack of understanding, they just don't have the full picture into someone else's life, and people judge because it makes them feel better about themselves and their choices. Parenthood is so filled with choices and anxiety, and you want so desperately to make the right choices about everything, so someone else making different choices to you almost feels like a threat, because if they are right, that would make you wrong! it also gives you a sense of relief, "hey, I may have yelled at my baby this morning, but at least I don't feed her fizzy pop like some parents" if you can spot someone else doing worse than you, then you feel like you are not screwing up so badly.

I try not to judge. I really really do. but even knowing all this, even being aware of what I am doing and why, I still find it creeping in.

So I am going to use this as an opportunity to apologize profusely if I have ever said anything that even hinted at judgement and apologize even more for the judgement that has crept into my thoughts. I will try my hardest to stop.

and I also challenge all you parents out there to do the same thing! lets be kind to each other in our thoughts and actions!

(my wonderful 90 year old grandmother, with her great granddaughter Tabitha! her first great granddaughter!)

Labeling

2014-08-14T03:52:00.002-07:00

16 months

Back to 85%. So feeling better.

It sounds a bit...hippy...but we are very careful about how we talk to Tabitha, and how we talk about Tabitha.

Labeling theory goes, that if you place a label on someone, then they will end up living up to that label. they'll be treated differently by other people, you'll ignore the things they do that don't fit the label, and exaggerate the things they do that do fit. and they themselves will start trying (consciously or unconsciously) to live up to that label.

For example: You start calling a child naughty, and you start seeing the things they do as naughty, rather than seeing it as normal toddler behavior, or them being funny, or silly, or exploring the world. In your mind you start associating this child with naughty, bad behavior, so if they are being good or helpful you see it as a exception. the bad things they do become magnified, and if you tell the child that they are naughty often enough then they will see themselves as naughty. so the child will think "why bother being good? I can't be good because I am a naughty child" and keep acting that way...it becomes a viscous cycle that is very hard to break.

So, considering this, we are working very hard to call Tabitha "good" and "helpful". if she helps wipe her tray, or brings me her shoes, she is being "a good helper!". if she does things that...aren't so good, then we tell her that whatever she did wasn't a good thing, or a kind thing "don't hit mummy, that hurts and makes mummy sad. it isn't a kind thing to do. you need to be more gentle". we want her to embody the good things she does, but see the bad things as choices of behavior that she can correct. we call her a helper and she will (hopefully) just generally look for opportunities to be helpful, rather than asking her to do each individual good thing. and we are very specific about the bad things she does and why she shouldn't do them rather than just telling her "you are being naughty"

As I said, it sounds a bit hippy. but the psychology behind it is sound. and I think its an important thing to try to do. I have also read that its more important to praise a child for "trying hard" than just calling them "clever". being clever is innate, and means they don't need to try. whereas a child that thinks they are good at perseverance won't give up when things get difficult.

In other news. Tabitha now has 7 teeth! but she's having no signs of teething, no pain, no redness...we are very lucky with her! Tabitha is walking really well now, and is learning to climb stairs! she's so proud of herself. though going downstairs she still has a tendency to just throw herself at them and hope that her legs keep up with her! she has leaned the word "nana" (banana) but she uses it for anything tasty she wants to eat, bread, sweets, peaches, grapes...they are all "nana".

we are slowly overcoming hurdles towards getting a house. each hurdle is tortuous. but we are getting over them! right now we are trying to figure out if we should get a really small house in a good area, or a big house in a not great area...