Blog Psychologist

Negative No More!

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 05:16:00 +0000

I'm reading Deepak Chopra's "The Path to Love" because I've been trying to work out things from my past in hopes of healing. I know that self love is important, if not the most important thing, but I think I lost it somewhere along the lines.

In this book, Deepak talks about psychological healing versus spiritual healing. He says that we are made up of love and that the negative thoughts and feelings we have towards self isn't who we are. He goes onto suggest that when you have these feelings, you actually tell yourself, "this is not me". I don't know, it sounds silly now that I'm writing it, but I've been doing it and I think it helps. I talked before about mantras and monitoring of negative thoughts. This helps point out and to deny these thoughts access.

This is important for me because I can be extremely negative. I actually think some of that stems from the fact that positivity didn't always go over well in my family. If you felt good about yourself, you were cocky; if you did well, you were gloating. It was almost instilled in us that you don't talk about the good things in your life. It's pretty pitiful existence to be honest. The good news is, I am an adult and don't have to be confined to that way of thinking, which is exactly why I'm trying very hard to break the habit. Wish me luck.

What Happens When Psychologists Take A Look In The Mirror?

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 04:44:00 +0000

I've been watching Hoarders lately. No, I don't have this particular issue, but I know it's supposed to branch from OCD. Recently, there was an episode with a psychologist/hoarder. I know this may seem odd to people to have someone with a disorder when she should know how to deal with such things. I, of course, relate because my degree is also in Psych (though I'm not practicing at the moment) and I have OCD.

What one needs to consider is that we all have issues and that none of us have all of the answers. For one reason or another, people tend to be harder on psychologists than other professionals. For instance, no one seems to care when their physical doctors are over-weight or when their hairdresser looks like Jose Eber. I mean that guy doesn't even cut his hair and he wears a hat all of the time, but no one seems to question it.

The reality is that your family doctor probably isn't healthy because he works long hours, in a high stress position and probably eats from machines and drive-thrus~~the exact opposite of what they'd tell us to do. Along those same lines, psychologists often have major issues. While trying to work out these issues, it's easy to develop an interest in the field of psychology in general, which can lead to a career. I think it also gives a real compassion towards others because there's an understanding there.

I know when I went to see a grief counselor after my father passed, it felt important to me that she'd lost someone close to her because otherwise I didn't think she could understand. Lord knows, I didn't understand this level of grief until I went through it myself. This is why rehabs often have recovering addicts working there.

That isn't to say that psychologists and mental health workers need to experience everything their patients go through, just like physical doctors don't have to have had a disease to try and cure it. But to have "issues", whatever they may be, is something that connects us as human beings. If psychologists were issue-free, then I don't think they would be very good at their jobs.

Resolutions Via My Vision Board

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 04:45:00 +0000

It's been awhile since I last wrote--one, because I was busy and two, because I've been in a weird place... mentally. A lot of changes are coming my way and I don't do well with change. In one of my many therapy sessions it was made clear that I fear change because changes have not been good ones in the past. I associate change with loss and instability. Stability being my #1 priority in life.

I am trying desperately to observe the feelings that are coming up for me without letting them drag me down into depression, which is a state that feels comfortable to me. I get depressed and I know it's bad to give in but then I go into this defensive, "I don't give a f***" zone and do it anyway. Now though, I have my son to think about and so it's not like I can just lie around feeling sorry for myself. I have to do better because he deserves better.

I'm actually doing pretty well. I think with the new year, I have new hopes and new resolutions. One resolution being to let go and let God. I know that I need these changes because I don't want another year like the last in that I'm stagnant and it's ridiculously clear that I'm not living up to my potential. Happiness does not grow in a place like that and I am determined to find my happiness again.

I did a vision board to try and motivate me and I have a new mantra, "I'm a closer". I like it because it's powerful and it's something that was true of me once. I'd like it to be true again.

On my board, I have "parties" but it's just that I like to throw parties but I have shied away from entertaining in the past. Hopefully, one day, that will change. Oh and I know I have the no OCD right under Mr. Clean, but what I want is a clean home without feeling like cleaning rules me.

I'm still working on my board but it's been good because it really makes you focus on what you want for your future. You may think you know but then sit down to do and go blank. I'd suggest everyone try it.

Deep Thoughts Down Memory Lane

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 04:32:00 +0000

I remember sitting at the edge of a fountain once, when I was a kid. I dipped my feet in and swirled them in circles, creating waves. As I watched, I felt like I was floating away. I liked that feeling very much.

I was too young to think of where I was going or why I wanted to go. My thoughts weren't so heavy back then. All I knew was that I wanted to go away. It is a profound memory of mine. Thinking back on how young I was at the time, I think what a sad thought it was for a child to have.

Unfortunately, the thought of "away", and whatever that means, never left me.

When I was in my teens, I started having thoughts of jumping out of moving cars. I'd imagine myself hopping out and then running like the wind...away. It was a really freeing thought.

I don't really know if these thoughts are "normal" because no one talks about these things. Maybe they should though because there's freedom in that too. Maybe if we didn't keep these things to ourselves, we'd all realize that we're not alone. Then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to go away.

Sometimes Life Gives You Lemons & You Realize, Without Sugar, Lemonade Tastes Pretty Sour

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:56:00 +0000

In theory, it's great to say "When you're knocked you off the horse, you gotta get right back up". In reality, sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes, we have the will and the desire to get back up; but as soon as we stand, we're dealt another blow. Blow upon blow, and you start spending more time on the ground, wondering whether it's worth getting up at all.

Most of us have been or will find ourselves in that very place at least once in our lives. So the story I'm about to tell you isn't unique. However, our own experiences should make us sympathize and want to give the help that we wished we'd received at our time of need.

My sister has a friend who is without a furnace for a fast approaching winter in Missouri. I know that in this economy this may not be a story that you haven't heard many times over.

In this particular case, this woman has been through the ringer as of late. She lost her father followed by her husband and then had to have major surgery last year. To some, losing a furnace isn't a big deal on the scale of what this woman has been through, but it's just another blow. Of course, we can't bring back her loved ones or heal her pain, but a new furnace is something WE can do.

My sister has set up a site, here, and I have a widget below where you can give. It doesn't have to be much $5 $10 if that's what you have.

Blind Faith vs. The Search For Truth

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:19:00 +0000

I've had several people come to me lately with questions about God. The doubt that seems to be plaguing people during these hard times is causing a lot of grief. People often feel bad for questioning the existence of God. I think this is unnecessary.

Quite the contrary, I think that God would want us to question. Then, if we come to believe, it is an informed decision. If you can answer the questions you have for yourself, I believe your faith will be more solid than if you follow blindly, things that others have told you to believe. To me, it's no different than if someone gives you all the answers to a math test. You might get the test right, but you still don't know math.

To start you, or to help you continue, on your journey, I'll tell you something that helps me. Just as I try to put myself in other people's shoes, I also try and put myself in God's shoes. For instance, regarding the question of proof; if I were a God, I could show myself to others and prove to everyone that I exist. Once I removed doubt, people would believe, follow me, do what I asked, worship me. I think it would be much like if we, as human beings, could force people to love us. It might sound wonderful, but wouldn't it take away from the value of love if we never knew if the person truly loved us? What's the point of love if it's not real? Just something to think about?

Please feel free to share your feeling son the subject.

Does The Double Slit Experiment Prove There's A God?

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:51:00 +0000

If you're watching ABC's show, Flash Forward, then you have been made aware of Schrodinger's Cat experiment. If not, then here's a video explaining:

To recap, if the cat has an equal, 50% chance of being alive or dead and we were asked to say which, we could only say that the cat is actually in a mixed Quantum state, and that the cat would only be in a specific state of life or death when someone opens the box to observe.

This goes along the same lines as another Quantum theory, the Double Slit Experiment:

Now, your first reaction may be "So what?". Well, the idea is that it begs the question "Could this prove that we, as people, are indeed observed by something bigger than us...aka a God?". It's certainly something to think about. I'm doing some thinking of my own on it and I'll get back to you if I figure out anything.

What do you think?

How Different My Life Would Have Been Had Pirates Been Popular When I Was Little

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:41:00 +0000

Be honest, I got ya interested with that title huh? Well, please read on because this is a tale of warning for all the kids who don't listen and the parents who don't force their kids to do what's best for them.

Basically, I had a lazy eye when I was a kid and was supposed to wear a patch over my good eye in order to strengthen the weaker eye. Patch, Pirate, get it now? Well, of course, no kid wants that target on their back and so I didn't wear it and my parents didn't make me either.

Thus, I am now legally blind in one eye and have migraines because that eye strains so hard to see. Turns out, that's the good news. The bad news, is that I have floaters that have floated down into my main field of vision, in my "good" eye. Then, yesterday, I went in because I am finding it hard to even read now and was told that surgery is too risky being that I only have the one eye that I see out of.

So, this is it. Apparently, I have to live with this, not knowing if I'll be able to read much longer because the floaters are only getting worse, not better like they act like they might. To some this might not even be a big deal, I guess, but I love to read. I love being on the computer and was just thinking of going back to school. It's a hard pill to swallow.

This leads me to why I chose the picture I did. That's me, when I was little. It's one of the few pics of me with my coke bottle glasses and where you can see my burn. It's a picture I think of often and it makes me sad. I just want to grab that girl, with all her problems, and hold her. Life's already been so hard for that girl and it doesn't get too much easier.

I wish this story had, or should I say has, a happy ending. I guess we shall see...bad choice of words.

Big Decisions: Going Back To School

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 03:36:00 +0000

I've been thinking about going back to school to get my Doctorate. It's a tough decision because I'm 32 now and feel like things have changed a lot since I was in school. I don't want to be the only person who prefers using paper over laptops, that sort of thing.

That, and I'm worried I wouldn't be able to keep up. I mean I'm a pretty intelligent person, but there's a whole mind set to being in school and learning under those conditions. I feel like my mind turned to mush after I walked out of school doors for the last time.

Still, I feel like I need to do it. When I first graduated, I thought I would take a short break and go back. Years have passed and it was okay because I told myself I wanted to be at home when I had kids. Now, I've had my son and think I might be done having kids. So, I'm left wondering what I will do when he goes off to school.

I am working on-line and have a pretty sweet gig being able to be home and enjoy my son. I just can't help but feel like I'm denying my potential. What kind of message is that to send to my son? I want him to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself.

Please feel free to share your stories. I can't be the only one in this position.

Trying to Heal After Losing A Loved One

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 04:56:00 +0000

So, I last talked about trying to cope with death and it makes me wonder how well I've really done myself. Listening to this song, "You Will Make It Through" by Jem and it says:

Go to bed everything's alright
Don't know the whole world's changing
As you sleep through the night
Wake up slowly and it's a different world

Hear the news and the floods begin
Screams so loud but only felt within
Heart is shattered
The pieces can't be found

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, he would want you to

Months go by, still living in a daze
Don't know what you've done
With the last seven days
Soul is numb and life is like a dream

Helping hands but you push them away
How could they understand
Don't wanna share your pain
Afraid to heal, 'cause that would be goodbye

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, she would want you to

One day sunlight hits a photograph
And it makes you smile
The memories dance around you now
And they make you smile
You're not alone
You'll never be
Just like the stars
They oversee
And
they whisper to you
You're still, you're still,
You're still, you're still alive

I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, they would want you to

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die

The last part is the poem I had added to my Dad's funeral cards. I put some of my favorite parts in bold. "Afraid to heal, 'cause that would be goodbye" that specifically struck me hard because it feels so true in regards to my Dad. I've been thinking about him alot being that my son just turned two and he wasn't here to see it.

It pains me to think how close he was to meeting my son. He died in `06 and my son was born in `07. I know it's not good to dwell on what can never be and yet at night, when I'm up alone, I let my mind go to those places. I try to play computer games and work on my blogs to keep my mind busy enough that I don't get down, but when I lay my head on the pillow, there's no distractions. I lie awake and wonder why, what if..., how could this happen to me and all of the other things that go along with that way of thinking. It's impossible to imagine if you haven't experienced a close death.

Having said that, I believe the positive message of the song as well, that we will make it through and that our loved ones would want us to. It's just so much harder than I could have ever imagined. I may have said it before, but I often feel like I need my dad here to help me through his death.

Deaths: A Different Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 03:24:00 +0000

I know someone who suffered a loss today and it has brought up a lot of feelings from a past loss. She came to me asking why this is. Among many things, I assured her that it is very common when you lose someone to re-visit past deaths. Of course, you think of these people all the time, but you're probably not so sad as you are when you're facing more death.

When faced with death upon death, it's hard not to question why, why people have to go and why there has to be so much suffering, but it's just like child birth. There's so much pain, but then the baby's out and there's joy. Once in Heaven, there's only peace.

There's a poem that says "death is our wedding with eternity" and I like that because it's like a beginning instead of an end.

Here is that poem by Rumi:

Our death is our wedding with eternity.
What is the secret? "God is One."
The sunlight splits when entering the windows of the house.
This multiplicity exists in the cluster of grapes;
It is not in the juice made from the grapes.
For he who is living in the Light of God,
The death of the carnal soul is a blessing.
Regarding him, say neither bad nor good,
For he is gone beyond the good and the bad.
Fix your eyes on God and do not talk about what is invisible,
So that he may place another look in your eyes.
It is in the vision of the physical eyes
That no invisible or secret thing exists.
But when the eye is turned toward the Light of God
What thing could remain hidden under such a Light?
Although all lights emanate from the Divine Light
Don't call all these lights "the Light of God";
It is the eternal light which is the Light of God,
The ephemeral light is an attribute of the body and the flesh.
...Oh God who gives the grace of vision!
The bird of vision is flying towards You with the wings of desire.

Low Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 16:51:00 +0000

I know it's probably going to sound funny, but since my dad died, my husband and I have struggled to get back to a good place. One thing that helped and still helps us is the motto, if you will, "Low Expectations".

I look around me now and everyone I know is struggling. We struggle to get through the days, we struggle to make money, to have nice things, to be the perfect parent, to be liked, the list is never ending. So, just setting the bar a little lower and reminding yourself, it doesn't have to be perfect, we don't have to be perfect, it can help. I know it helps me.

Especially having OCD, alot of what I feel is this need for everything to feel right, whatever that means. I need to feel clean, to feel like everything is where it belongs, to feel like everything is okay. Sometimes I'll be washing and I'll get so consumed by this process, I'll repeat it over and over without even realizing. Finally, I stop and I say to myself, "low expectations, it doesn't have to be perfect" and it snaps me out of it. Without it, I wonder how long I would go, stuck in the cycle of mindless actions.

It all comes down to the same thing. Whether it's OCD or drugs or anorexia, or gambling, it's all the same. We feel our lives are out of control and so we turn to something to fill up that hole we have inside. I know that the real answer is to face the things we try to run from. I'm working on that now.

Boy Interrupted

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 04:53:00 +0000

I recently saw the documentary, Boy Interrupted for the first time. For those of you who haven't seen it, it is about a 15 year old boy who takes his own life. The boy, Evan, was diagnosed with manic depression, or bipolar disorder. Frankly, I was surprised because the whole time I'm watching it, it seemed to me he had OCD, but there was no mention of it.

Basically, he began obsessing over death at a very early age and his brother said that he would be obsessed over getting things right and would want to constantly "start over". Well, that just struck a nerve with me because, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with starting over. I don't think I ever got through a game because I kept needing to start over, start over, start over.

Evan's parents seemed to do everything right. They were clearly concerned and tried to get him the help he needed. Unfortunately, it didn't have the happy ending I wish it had, on many levels.

Evan's uncle, on his father's side, had also committed suicide. They then had his grandmother, or his uncle's mother, on talking about her experiences of losing her son and grandson to suicide. Evan's father said that his son very much reminded him of his brother. I found it to be very interesting to see all the different sides of what depression and suicide can do to a family.

Having lost my brother to suicide, I have had some experience, though I cannot imagine what it would be to lose a child that way. I think Evan's brother said it best because he said, and I'm summarizing, but he said that every 15 year old has similar issues at that age. Though Evan felt things more strongly being bipolar, the indication was that if he'd given it time, problems that seemed like the end of the world, would have lessened the older he'd gotten.

I don't know if that's true for someone with manic depression; but in general, I think this is very true and that it just continues all your life. When you're a teen, it's about what your peers think, it's school, it's parents. In mid-life, it's money, jobs, material things and all of the things we struggle over, but none of it matters when we're old and grey.

Evan will never know that now. It's beyond sad. My heart truly goes out to that family.

What to do when you're in a bad relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:23:00 +0000

So, I talked about the why of bad relationships. Now, we should discuss the what, as in what to do when you're in one? It doesn't have to be infidelity, it could be anything. Maybe your partner is a good person, but you're not in love with them, or you know you'd be happier on your own.

It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Sometime's things just are and when we deny that and try and force what isn't supposed to be, we're setting ourselves up for a life full of unhappiness and regrets.

Life's too short for us all to be so unhappy as we are. You might think you're doing your partner or even your kids a favor by toughing it out. However, if toughing it out means taking anti-depressants, drinking, gambling, cheating, eating, or whatever your vice is, then do you really think your family is better off? What message does that send to your kids?

Kids need healthy examples of what a relationships is supposed to be. The best question to ask yourself is "Would you want your child to be in a relationship like yours?". If the answer is "no" you should think real hard about the decisions you're making because I promise you, patterns do repeat. Staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship can doom your children to have a relationship just like yours.

Now, I'm not saying divorce is the answer. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. The answer is to get active. This is your life. You made the choices that led to where you are and it's you who has to fix things. It's not enough to blame your partner for everything. Your partner may be at fault, but you can only control yourself. If it isn't working between you, and you can't get your partner to meet you half way, leave. Don't just threaten it with no intention of follow through, but actually do it. Make the hard decisions in life that will lead to real change if you know it will make you happier in the end. If you're happy, your kids will be happy and even your partner will eventually be happy again.

If, however, your partner is willing to support you and to work on things, then that's half the battle. In that case, maybe it is just a matter or re-assessing things and changing your attitude. Often times, people focus so much on all the little negatives instead of the big positives. You have to become aware of those little negative thoughts and decide to fight them. Think positive, even if it is a fake it `til you make it scenario. Eventually, you will have trained your brain to push the negative thoughts out on it's own.

If you believe things can work out, then they probably will, and vice versa. Life doesn't have to be as hard as we make it. Sometimes it helps me to think about what it is that will be important on my death bed and I realize it's not money or how clean my house is. It can really put things into perspective.

Cheating: The Gut Doesn't Lie

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 17:59:00 +0000

What I've decided is that we have 3 resources in making decisions, our heart, our head and our gut. Different people tend to follow different things more often than others. To me, your heart is like the devil on one shoulder telling you to ignore the reason of the angel, or the mind, on the other shoulder. Then there's the truth and that's usually the gut feelings we have, that are typically ignored by most.

I have been thinking about a couple who are in a situation where the man has been accused of cheating. The signs are pretty disturbing and thus the mind is skeptical when the accused says that the rumors are false. The heart, of course, says to believe, to follow blindly. It's not that the heart is bad, it just wants what it wants with no concern for reason or consequences. Usually the heart just wants to be loved, to love and to believe in the good in people.

Confusion, no doubt, sets in when our resources disagree on a path. This is usually when people seek out therapy. They go, knowing already what the right answer is, what the gut tells them is really true, but hoping the therapist can make them feel better about their choice, which is usually the choice of the heart.

My point is this, ladies, and men too, 98% of the time, we know what the truth is but we deny it. Instead of making the hard choice in the moment, we deny and we go on to build up resentments towards each other; fights occur, things are said that can't be taken back. Then, it ends anyway, only with people hating one another, when it didn't have to be that way.

Don't get me wrong, I get it, I understand why this happens. Love, or the quest for love, mixed with our fear of being alone, it all defies logic. It makes us hang onto to things we don't want. It makes us do things we never thought we'd be capable of. Then, when kids are thrown into the mix, forget about it. The choice to change becomes that much harder. Not to mention the economy and years spent with a person. It all just adds up and so we stay in the uncomfortable place that has become our comfort zone.

So what do we do? I'll discuss that next time.

Good Parents vs. Bad

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:22:00 +0000

Being a first-time parent is full of questions, worries and doubts. My husband and I often discuss the worry that we're not doing everything right. Finally, I decided that bad parents probably don't worry so much about doing everything right as we do. Thus, I think we're doing okay.

While I would like to say that there is no such thing as "bad" parents, the fact of the matter is that there are. There are very bad parents out there. I know we're not one of those. Our worries are more about making sure we're doing everything we can to raise a happy, healthy, well-rounded child. It's a lot of pressure.

Of course, I know that, no matter what we do as parents, all kids have problems. If you're poor, you resent not having money; if you're rich, you resent not knowing if people like you for who you are. If you're too loved, not loved enough; involved in too many activities or not enough; your parents push you too hard, or not enough, it is always something. That's okay though, it's the way it's supposed to be. It's our issues who make us grow as people; without them, what's the point. Without problems, we're all happy drones, which sounds great, but really...what would be the point of all this?

Sorry, got carried away. That's a whole other post. The point is, caring about your child's well-being is a good sign of being a good parent. Just something for those parents out there, going through the same things we are.

Dream Analysis: Naked in Public

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 02:59:00 +0000

In all areas of psychology, Dream Analysis is probably where I feel most confident. Recently I was asked to analyze a dream regarding nudity in public. This is a common theme, but doesn't have to mean the same thing for everyone. It's funny really because often we're told that if we get nervous in public speaking to imagine others naked, but even the thought of the opposite scenario it makes us more nervous. I think the answer might be for us all to keep our clothes on.

The dream:

My grandparents would drop me off at this really cute old stone school. I would go in with a pink tutu, all happy to be wearing it. Then I would step through the door after my grandparents left and I would be naked! Embarrassed, I would be in constant search for it. At the end of the day I would go outside to get in the car, and I would be in my tutu again!

What could this potentially mean if a child has a reoccurring dream like this? Especially a child who never even took ballet. Is this common?

My analysis:

It sounds like you feel safe and secure with your grandparents and that you're not so comfortable "in your own skin" when in public. It doesn't necessarily mean in school, but it could just be in public or away from your comfort zone, which is represented by your grandparents.

The fact that you're wearing a tutu could just represent a special childlike or princess feeling when you're within your safe zone. I would think it means you don't have that feeling otherwise.

I think this is very common. Usually a dream reoccurs to stress to you that it is important, but in this case I think you might just have this feeling often enough that maybe it's telling you that you need to work on feeling more comfortable with who you are all the time and not just when you're with your family.

This can be especially common if you're facing adulthood because leaving the safety of what you've always known, family and school, it can be very scary. Don't worry though, it all works out.

***So how'd I do? Just so you know I did get permission to use the dream in my post. So don't worry. Everything you guys write to me is not automatically shared with the world.

Hoarding and Death

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 02:25:00 +0000

My aunt died today. She was the last of my Dad’s siblings. She was 86, so she had lived a long life. It’s sad though because it’s like losing another part of my Dad. There are so few people alive now who knew him.

It's just weird to think that when we're here, on earth, everything seems so important. We meet people, we do things and then we die and slowly everything you built falls apart. The people you knew forget or die and, in some ways, it's like you didn't exist.

You may wonder what this has to do with hoarding. Well, on a recent Obsessed, a man described hoarding better than I'd ever heard it done before. He said that things are to him like photos are to us. Every thing had a memory and could transport him to that time or place. Just like we would not throw out our precious photos, he didn't want to throw out these items.

For the first time, I completely understood where a hoarder was coming from. Especially when it came to his mother's things, who had passed a couple years before. Now, I do have OCD, but I am not a hoarder and yet I don't like to throw out anything of my Dad's. Like I was trying to explain before, losing someone makes you realize how short a lifespan really is. It feels important then for the surviving loved ones to hold on to the memories, as if to say, "Hey he existed!", "His life meant something.".

While I would like to rely solely on my memory, I know memory goes as we get older and so I hold onto the things to help fill in the blanks. For instance, I hold onto things with his handwriting because I may forget what it looked like. It doesn't matter if it's just a grocery list, it's now very important to me.

The fact of the matter is, there will never be another sheet of paper with his handwriting. There will never be another picture. There will never be another phone call. I think I mentioned before but I kept his messages on my machine and it's one of my greatest treasures. To hear his voice, saying my name, hearing his laugh... it's all that's left.

If you haven't lost someone close, you probably think I'm crazy but just wait. One day, we all understand.

Cynophobia: Fear of Dogs

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 19:06:00 +0000

On a recent episode of Obsessed about a woman who is "obsessed" with the abuse of dogs. It made me think of my own experience with dogs. Personally, I have had a fear of dogs since I was a young child. This fear has resulted in years of tormenting nightmares of dogs chasing and biting me.

For a long time, I didn't know what was at the root of this fear and then I realized it had to have been this old lady who always sent her dog after me when I walked in front of her house. I can just remember trying to get to my friends house down the street and this woman letting her big black dog out and him charging toward me. Mind you, I was only like 8 or 9 at the time and she did this on purpose.

My parents confronted her on this often, but she never stopped. I don't know if she was just a scared old lady or if she had malicious intent, but this woman's actions severely affected my life. I still cannot just walk a neighborhood street for fear that a dog may be on the loose. I have broken down in front of friends and boyfriends, to my embarrassment, whenever a dog comes around. It's kept me from going to homes where I know there is a dog. So, it's been a hindrance, to say the least.

I know it's something I need to face and get over, but add it to the list.

Open Relationships, Can They Work?

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 18:21:00 +0000

I just saw the movie, Fling with Brandon Routh and I think it proves why open relationships aren't ideal. While it's possible for people to convince themselves that it makes sense and maybe, on a primal level it does, because of the way our society is and who we've evolved to be, it is not what we truly yearn for. Yes, sexually, again this is on a primal level, we can be attracted to many people and may want to mate with several people. However, if that's your goal, then don't get in a relationship at all.

No matter what a person tells you, they do not want to share. It actually has less to do with you as it does our own self-esteem because no one wants their spouse to be okay with sharing you. Deep down, we all yearn most deeply to be loved and cherished. If your partner is willing to let someone have a piece of you, even if it is only for a short time, that says to you that you are not cherished.

And, again, we can convince ourselves it's okay because you're both doing it and it's a more realistic approach to relationships, or whatever you tell yourself. The fact of the matter is, we can convince ourselves of anything, especially when we have a partner in crime, telling you it's a good thing. It's when you get away from that partner and you see monogamous relationships and how others live that you'll have the pang in your heart telling you, you want more and that you deserve more.

Family Disputes (pt 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:15:00 +0000

I recently posted on the dispute between my sister and I. Now, you may ask yourself, shouldn't someone with a psychology degree be able to work things out between people? Well, let's get something straight, I am a firm believer in ridding yourself of toxic people in your life. For many years, I have felt like my sister is such a person. However, I also feel that family is very important and not to be taken for granted.

Unfortunately, my family has really fallen apart since my father passed. It's a very sad thing. I never would have imagined that things would have turned out like this. There was a time when we were all very close, closer than most; and now, we're all at odds.

I have, however, "made up", if you will, with my sister. I stayed true to my goal and I did not apologize. It just so happened that we ended up in the same place at the same time and we just didn't mention it. The relationship is still strained, and I know that there will come a time when my sister will bring it up again; but I've got more important things going on in my life than worrying about some ridiculous battle between my sister and I. Life's too short.

Do Women Really Know What They Want?

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 02:08:00 +0000

I was watching Dating in the Dark and I find it to be fascinating on many levels. Contrary to what you might think, there are times when it's the women who seem more superficial than the men. What I found interesting about the most recent episode was that there was a young, attractive man, ready to start a family who all 3 girls were drawn to in the dark. But when the lights came on and they saw his age or whatever it was, none of the 3 chose him. This begs the question, do women really know what they want?

Yes, he was young looking, but he was a nice guy who was ready to settle down and start a family, which is something most women say they want. When faced with it, however, these same women run for the hills. This is why it is said nice guys finish last because the truth is, women say it's what they want, but nice guys without drama scares them.

I think there's a lot of reasons why this happens.

1. I think women don't believe they deserve anything more than to get put down and abused in one way or another.

2. Sometimes it's not the man so much as it is that women don't believe they could be a good enough partner to someone who treats them right. Wanting a good partner means having to be a good partner.

The list goes on, but it all revolves around self-esteem. Everything in this society now has worked to repress women. We see images of what we should look like, we go to the stores to see that normal sizes are considered "plus". Every woman on TV now has so much botox that wrinkles will start to look like an oddity. So yes, we get down on ourselves and women fall in relationships with bad men who feed on low self-esteem, telling them they're ugly and can't do better. Usually these men are controlling and segregate the women from any positivity in their life so the negative is all they hear.

For instance, my niece has decided to marry a man/boy who has cheated on her, been in jail for stealing, who is banned from every person's house in her family and who she can't even stand. Her reasons, she tells me, is she isn't going to find anyone else who will put up with her and that he's the father of her children.

To this, I said, "Yes, he has sperm. It's the only thing he did right." What kills me is this is a girl who had everything going for her and who had her pick of men. How she ended up with, honestly, the biggest loser I have ever met, I do not know! He's not good looking, he's not smart, he's not funny and he has absolutely no common sense.

It would be one thing if it was just me who saw these things in him, but it is everyone, including her. She bad mouths him every time we talk. She says she dreads the honeymoon and in the same conversation she will tell me she's going through with it.

These are times when I'm glad I'm not a paid psychologist. It's not that I can't take hearing these things from people, but my advice only goes so far. They have to follow it and most of the times they don't. I see my niece making the biggest mistake of her life and I'm powerless.

Men are right about one thing, women are complicated.

Falling Off The Wagon

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 03:58:00 +0000

My husband and my 10 year anniversary was last week, followed by his B-day, for which I threw a party. So, I've been super busy and haven't been to the gym in a week. I am down on myself about it even though it was unavoidable given the time restraints.

What was avoidable, though I wasn't successful, was the decadent dessert on our anniversary and the sweets and pop at the party. I did stay away from the birthday cake, but it wasn't hard considering I don't have the same tastes as my husband. For one, he doesn't like chocolate very much. I don't think I knew this about him when we married. It might have skewed my view of him if I had.

It's hard to want to get back to the gym now, but I know I'll have to force myself tomorrow. If nothing else, we paid for memberships and I'm too frugal to throw money away like that. I know I'm not alone in this struggle and there's some comfort in that.

I'd gladly welcome some encouragement. Lord knows, I need it.

Family Disputes

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 05:05:00 +0000

Is a fight ever really what it appears to be? I recently got into an argument with my sister, about a month and a half ago actually. It was over something really stupid, but we haven't spoken since.

My niece doesn't understand why we're still fighting and has taken it upon herself to try and keep the peace. Peacekeeper is a role I know very well because it's usually mine. What she doesn't understand is that this role I've played all my life has led me to exactly where I am right now.

In my 31 years, I cannot remember a single instance when my sister has ever apologized to me. She hasn't had to because I always do it, whether I feel I'm right or not. I do it because my sister isn't the type of person who can just let something go and so to keep the peace I give in and apologize...usually.

This time, I've tried to call truce on this issue, but it's never good enough to just say "this is stupid, let's just move on". No, my sister insists I grovel even though I don't feel I'm wrong and it really is over something small. This is why I refuse to apologize to my sister. 31 years is a long time and I've simply had enough.

I don't explain that to my niece because she's too young and because it doesn't involve her, but this isn't about the fight anymore. This is about a lifetime of resentments towards my sister. So, to the observer, it looks stupid and it is, but you teach people how to treat you. Unfortunately, I've taught my sister a lesson it's now time to break.

Dreams of spiders and my mother: the connection

noreply@blogger.com (Suzie Q) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:49:00 +0000

Last night I dreamt about spiders and that wasn't so important as was the thought, within my dream, that I felt like I react to spiders like I do my mother. I woke, not knowing what that meant. All I did know was that I don't like spiders and I try to avoid them. So, before I got up and around, I stopped to reflect on why I would be having these same thoughts about my mom.

The thing about my mom is that she wasn't raised with a lot of affection and so she didn't give a lot. This didn't matter too much to me because I was very affectionate and would go to her when she didn't come to me. It wasn't until I got older that I resented that fact.

What I resent even more, however, is that my mom's side of the family is made up of a bunch of recluses who don't leave the house unless they have to. So, as a child, my mom never made an effort to do things with me. We never went to the park, except for the time when we were homeless and lived there. Which makes it understandable that, under the circumstances of our life at the time, fun wasn't her main priority.

Anyway, I don't like to think about these things because I know she did the best she could and I don't see the point to dwelling on it. However, I feel like I can't run from these things either and when they come up as they did in the dream, I think I need to face the truth of the situation that is my past.

So, after this soul searching, I naturally came to the conclusion that the dream wasn't telling me I needed to bash my mom. but it was warning me not to make these mistakes with my son. I say naturally because I let my mind wander and when I hit upon this conclusion, it felt right.

Being my mother's daughter, I am prone to wanting to be a home-body. This week, especially, was hard for me to get motivated and I didn't take the interest in my son that I should have. This dream was my wake up call. I believe we get several of these and, if we don't listen, then I think the world does something drastic to make us listen. I don't want that to happen and so it's time to get off my butt.