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Les Miserables/Mean Girls meme

2014-07-02T21:03:00.001-07:00

OMG. I die.

NONE FOR MARIUS PONTMERCY!

One more little thing...

2014-03-07T00:20:00.000-08:00

I forgot to tell you little readers, (if I even have any anymore)....please let me just be a teenage girl for a moment:

I'm in love with an amazing boy. And guess what! He loves me back. Flaws and all. Emotional, crazy, stressed, inappropriate ME. He loves ME right back. How lucky is that? That two people can love each other back?

I dated him once a few years ago, and I guess he decided that second times a charm. He's the dreamboat I've always compared every guy to...and blogged about wanting him to get married so I could move on. (Pathetic? Yes. Do I regret holding on? No.)

So...having my dreamboat comeback? It's more than I could have ever asked for. I'm enjoying getting butterflies and giggling every time he says those meaningful words to me. It's truly more than I could have ever dreamed of. I realize that sounds disgustingly cheesy, but i don't care. Because it's the wonderful truth. I'm giving Disney a run for their money here.

I adore him and our story. We'll see where things go. For now, I'm enjoying every day I get with that sweet, kind boy.

Here's to good men in the world: *CHEERS*

Hi again

2014-03-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.

Mostly...I am happy.

I am still a social worker in slc, and living close to work. its awesome...but I still am late for my morning everyday at 8:30. because what normal human gets up at 8:30 in the morning anyway?

Work is hard. the ratio of good days to stressful crazy days is like... 1:7.
But that 1 day is worth it.

Today I taught one of my classes and focused it all on Les Mis and the change Jean Valjean went through...and it was super beautiful and super amazing. I had the women do a timeline/lifemap of their lives before treatment...
ex:
"my parents died."
"I got abused"
"I went to jail"
"I started smoking"
"I was charged with armed robbery"
"I got pregnant and lost the baby"
"I started smoking meth"
"My family member got murdered"
"I tried crack"
"I went to prison"

...these are the things they put on their lifemaps.

And then, I had them do their future lifemaps. If they choose a life of change..if they make the choice to have the motivation to BE someone like Jean Valjean and refuse to let their past hold them back..and stay sober...they can have anything they want.
The maps went like this:
"Get my daughter back"
"Get a stable job"
"Raise my children"
"Get married to a healthy man"
"Start my own business"
"Travel to Europe"
"Go to my son's high school graduation"
"Hug my grandkids"
"Become a motivational speaker"

I told them they could do all of those things.
Because they can.
And if they stay sober, they will.

Fresh new start

2013-10-04T23:25:00.003-07:00

Sooooo
I've been living in California the past 8 months and I just moved home about a month ago because I decided it was time to stop nannying, and use my degree while I can. Time to grow up...yaknowwhatimean?

I'm a social worker at a drug and alcohol rehab center for women. Its really stressful..but also really rewarding. I'm exhausted everyday and cry a lot.. haha. But once I get used to it, things will be better! :)

Most of the women are prisoners and are court ordered for treatment. Some are homeless. Some are felons who were turned in by their family.
I see a lot of craaaaaaaaazy stuff everyday.... And everyday I realize that stupid decisions can change the course of your life forever. Most of these women are trying to get their children back from state custody, and its heartbreaking. The thing is... is that these are good, normal, everyday women who have just made bad choices...who have given up their free agency to a SUBSTANCE. A THING!

I'm seeing a lot of things in a different light lately.
And I've seen women absolutely change the course of their lives.
I've learned that anything is possible if you make up your mind to do it.
If you make up your mind that heroin and meth and cocaine make you happy? youll keep using until it kills you.
If you make up your mind that your babies that are waiting for you to get clean are the most important thing? You can stay clean.

DONT DO DRUGZ PEOPLE.

I'm living in Kaysville and commuting to work, which blows. I need to get my own place in slc soon. I'm pretty lonely...because work is hard and tiring annnnnnd people have lives and are busy. I come home everyday, take a bath, and go to bed. Sometimes I second guess moving home. and then I get mad at myself and wonder what would have happened had I stayed in California.
But that's just the loneliness talking I think. I hope.

I'm still single.
23...single..career...somewhere I never thought i'd be.
boys aren't really interested in dating me. friends? yes. dating? no. they 'aren't ready to get married...or are in love with someone else...or are too busy.'
Its prettyyyyyyyy frustrating.
Lonely sometimes..beause I ache to have a family of my own...but i'm doing okay.
Things will be okay if I do my part.

life can never be planned for. never never ever never.

I guess i've been busy

2013-07-01T23:20:00.001-07:00

Hm...my life...I've been keeping busy I guess...

...I've just been doing the normal Mormon-girl equivalent of summer sales... BEING A NANNY. I've been graduated for a year and still haven't started a career. WOOP WOOP. lolz. but seriously, being a nanny is just like being a fake mom..and I love it.

I'm not dating anyone. I'm afraid of dating because I fall super fast and the idiots I fall for are REALLY bad at catching me. Like... Hellen-Keller-in-the-outfield-on-a-rainy-day-bad-at-catching-me.

I HEARD....that some girl called the cops on her crazy ex 6 months ago and she hasn't heard from him since. She also heard through the grapevine that he is indeed engaged again...this time, to a girl he met on facebook. (5th times the charm I hear!) BAZZINGA!!! (but seriously, rounds of applause and a chorus of angels singing 'hallelujah')

I cried at one of my best friend's weddings the other day. It really was the craziest thing..cuz it wasn't when she came out of the temple.. not when she hugged me.. none of that. It was when her husband led her out onto the dance floor and they had their first dance together. She was mouthing the words to him while they looked at each other, and they both were absolutely beaming with pure JOY. My eyes literally could not stop tearing up. I was holding a friends baby and had to look down at the babes adorable chubby face to blink away the tears before my friends came back to the table. I just... cannot fathom loving someone so much, that I will want to spend not only my life with them, but my forever with them as well. And I especially can't imagine THEM wanting that with ME. I can't imagine any of it!! Isn't that silly?

I'm still a doula but only really do births for my friends...I love being a part of something so amazing...and I can't wait for the day I get to be a mom. Seeing all my friends become mothers has given me a lot to look forward to...and seeing all my friends become mothers has also definitely made my faith grow about Heavenly Fathers timeline for me. It has been a humbling experience to say the least. But man...how much joy does it bring me to see my friends bring their very own brand new babes into the world? A ZILLION JOYS ON THE JOY SCALE!!

Oh and when I'm bored? Me and my little sister think we are hilarious so we make vines and lol our butts off in the middle of the night. (shout out to you, chelleybean)

I'm just busy being 23 and freaking out about not knowing where my life is going......and then realizing every other day that I'll probably never know where its going till I get there. I always thought I'd be in a completely different place in my life than where I'm actually at right now. I'm as far away from that place than I could ever be! But still hoping and working towards getting there. We'll see. Not planning on having my plans work out...because plans never do seem to work out, do they?

HELLO WORLD I'M BAAAAACK

2013-06-30T22:02:00.001-07:00

OH HAI. Am I on your newsfeed again?

well la-dee-da.
.........

oh ps my sister just informed me that in two hours no one will be reading this because of googles idiotic choice to ex-communicate all followers from all blogs everywhere...OF COURSE ITS THE DAY I COME BACK TO BLOGGING......so maybe none of you will read this. but if you do....

ummmm. add me on bloglovin'?

LOL OVER-AND-OUT

the gay stuff.

2013-03-27T18:02:00.000-07:00

i know everyone is posting their opinion about gay rights and what not...and i am too. hey-o. but mostly this is for me, to figure out how i feel about the whole thing. stop reading now if you don't wanna hear confused jabber of a 23 year old on things i don't understand.

first of all, im a mormon with a strong testimony of the gospel and believe in marriage between a man and a woman. it is sacred and God designed it that way so we could take part in the creation of babes so they could come to the earth to experience their test. We are given the opportunity to CREATE..and that is ONLY possible through a man and a woman. a weewee and a hooha. IM SORRY BUT ITS TRUE. joking aside, it is a divine power given to us. a gay couple cannot create babes. yes they can adopt...(which i also feel strongly about because i was a hospital social worker and saw a lot of couples neglect and abuse their babies..and i think a gay couple who loves and cares for their child is OBVIOUSLY better than a straight couple abusing their kids. thats obvious...to me at least.)

i also have gay friends and accquaintances. i never really did until a few years ago..and when i started to love them- i started to understand on a deeper level how unfair it is that people treat them the way they do.. If anyone EVER crossed any one of my friends who are homosexual, i'd be livid. if they discriminated against them or did anything to harm them...it would hurt me as well, just like anyone else hurting a friend who is different would affect me and i'd wanna throat punch them. its not fair for one person to treat another person wrongly, no matter what. bullying and discrimination is wrong.

i believe that people of a different sexual orientation should be allowed many of the things that are being denied to them right now. joint healthcare...hospital visits to see their partner...being able to be a part of the estate in their partners will...etc. i don't think those things should be denied.

and then we get to marriage. because i support rights of these HUMANS-just like us- doesn't mean i support the marriage part. its tough..because if i supported the marriage part..the right to legally be bound to your partner...i personally feel that would be blatantly going against my belief in the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman. i dont think denying legal marriage to a same sex couple is an awful thing.....they can still be together. but i can understand how they feel discriminated against. but...if i supported gay marriage, i would be supporting the lifestyle that is counseled to stay away from by the church i love. it KINDA would be like me supporting a woman who is trying to make it legal in our church for girls to have the priesthood.
no. don't get me started on that because that IS an issue and it makes me crazy.
anyway, if i supported gay marriage, it would be disrespectful to Heavenly Father....because what he says...goes. no questions asked. in my mind, that is the final answer.

my belief of not letting gay people marry each other isnt a strong belief of taking away rights from someone. its a strong belief of heavenly fathers counsel about marriage between a man and a woman.

i may get ridiculed for these statements...thats okay. thats the thing. I have been hesitant to voice my feelings on this, because no matter what i say, someone isnt going to like it. its going to be wrong in someones eyes. isnt it hard to say how you feel, without possibly offending someone or coming off the wrong way?
its hard. FRICK.
i'm probs going to offend at least one person and the worth of my character may be tarnished because I feel like the government shouldn't change what our forefathers fought for...they were men of God. they wanted people to be treated equally...but were men of God and believed in the institution of marriage between a man and a woman.

I am not saying gay individuals cannot be 'men of god' or unspiritual or anything like that. no way jose! i believe being gay is both nature/nurture. mostly nature, and nurturing those feelings moves their lifestyle choices along.

i feel really strongly about gay mormons....we believe it is their trial in this life, and they are encouraged to keep coming to church, fight those urges, and stay celibate...because THIS is their trial. this is their test. how hard would that be? it would be extremely difficult. it makes me ache to know that they may feel trapped and lonely and won't be able to have the companionship that they TRULY desire. its hard for me. i dont think anyone should be lonely and not feel love and companionship and that makes me wanna CRYYYYYYY. thats a lot of years facing one trial...and feeling alone. and being counseled to not act on your desires from your church leaders you love. but people follow that counsel. and they get through it, and live happy lives.

Heavenly Father knows best. i dont understand why people would argue with that. many of my mormon friends support gay marriage..and i don't really know why, other than the conviction of not taking away rights from others. for me, i couldn't be okay with that because the church is firm and clear about what we believe. but i dont judge my mormon friends for believing that. thats their belief. everyone is entitled to that.

all i know, is everyone should RESPECT and love each other, no matter what their sexual orientation is. Homosexual people should not be ridiculed, hurt, bullied, etc because guess what.. you dont know what its like. you don't know how it feels. and neither do i.

what do i know? im a straight mormon girl with my own views and opinions..and i stand by my beliefs.
so..yes im traditional. but that doesnt mean i'm an awful person for believing that only a man and a woman should be married...because thats the whole point of life. so many of us traditional people are being ridiculed. it sucks.

i dont wanna open a can of worms. so pleeeeeeease dont comment a debate. these are just my thoughts.

man+woman+children=family.

it doesn't make sense to me any other way.

picture overload!

2013-02-26T15:17:00.002-08:00

smiling at my nephew all day, holding hands and watching grey's anatomy, meeting up with friends in sf (no, that boy is not my boyfriend)....winning tickets to wicked, hiking to lookouts of the golden gate, and enjoying the coast.

Bay Area livin!

2013-02-05T23:36:00.002-08:00

okay so.... i dont have a laptop. because i am poor. so this is why i never blog. but i CAN mooch off my sisters lappy late at night...so i'm gonna try to blog more often. its also nice because i can finally actually say where i am and what im doing without being scared i'm gonna be confronted out of the blue by a crazy person.

SOOOOO: my life.....
im in danville watching my adorbs nephew..and he is the best. everyday i love him more and more. the sun here is amazing...it boosts my mood like you wouldnt believe. layin by the pool in january is like... jigga whaaaat! also, there are a lot of rich people here. when i go on walks, i see everyone driving like.. mercedes and jaguires and im like..heyyy i drive an oshkosh stroller whadduppppp

i went to dinner with a friend on friday..and it was so nice to have a social life again! he is adorable. and hilarious. and afterwards we went to a YSA regional activity and lolled our butts off. i think i'm gonna do that more often.

on saturday i explored San Fransisco with beana and spencer...it was unreal. blue skies, 65 degrees...it was an instant dose of happy.

our day consisted of:

-driving with the windows down on the bay bridge looking at allll the sailboats in the bay
-going to treasure island and seeing the whole city
-getting some clam chowder in bread bowls at the wharf... (saw live crabs at the resturant and it freaked me right out)
-went to go see the disgusting barking seals soaking up the rays on pier 39
-drove through china town during chinese new year!
-saw all the adorbs shops in little italy
-went to ocean beach and sat on the dunes and listened to the waves. heaven.
-hiked up a little trail at mile rock beach to the beautiful look out spots
-went to union square and went in Saks 5th avenue for the first time ever..never felt so poor in my life.... (found a dress on sale for 3500 dollars. kewl.)
-ate at an authentic viatnamese place in the city and had Pho for the first time. (pronnounced fuh, so you can imagine how much fun i had saying it to the waitress)
-walked around the little shops at night..it reminded me so much of new york
-saw sooo many streetside performers (and smelled a lot of weed)
-made our way over to girhidelli square at night for dessert. it was amazing

pictures to come.

over and out, readers.

23

2013-01-06T23:09:00.003-08:00

it was my birfday a few days ago.

i went to dinner wif some friends and got awesome prezzzents. i even got lots of presents from me to me...because i can. such as... a ring..and a new outfit..and a zillion phone cases...and crap. i thanked myself too.

im grateful for my family and friends who care about me...being back in utah for a few weeks has been such a blessing!

im buying a car this week and feeling super awesome about it.

i got rejected from grad school aaaaand now idk what im doing with my life. i hope something good is around the corner. PLEASE bless something good is around the corner for me.

i also hate blind dates.

bye.

ROFL TIMES 100

2013-01-03T02:29:00.000-08:00

my sister introduced me to a site called whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com

i died. i hope you rofl as hard as i did:

Talking to my mom on the phone

What I feel like doing most days

When I make fun New Years Eve plans

When I’m watching a movie & one of the characters dies

If it’s a person:

If it’s an animal:

When my doorbell rings and I wasn’t expecting anybody

Sitting down to take an exam

My classmates:

Me:

When someone hot walks into the room

Spotting my crush

When I’m sober:

When I’m not:

When I run into my ex

In front of him:
As soon as he’s out of sight:

When I hear good gossip

How I feel about grades

During the semester:

When I see that they’re posted online:

When I get out of work at 6pm and it’s pitch black

When I haven’t heard from my ex and then he texts me out of nowhere

When I park illegally and don’t get a ticket

...i could go on for days, but its 3:30 in the morning.
i have a feeling i will be posting these regularly.
goodnight world.

to wait.

2012-12-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

all my friends are expecting a baby.
and this is embarrassing...but i'm so incredibly jealous.
can I just explain for a minute?

that green monster inside of me is jealous, and it is such an ugly color for me to wear. blegh. I hate it.

now hold up, i'm SO happy for you!!! (livvy, lauren, KP, val, kels, kiley...etc.the rest of my high school....the whole world...etc..) haha I SWEAR. I cannot wait for you to hold that baby in your arms, because I can only imagine how much joy it brings you. you are SO lucky. so lucky!! hold that baby tight and take in every smile that baby gives you. you guys... are so, incredibly lucky. you have a husband to care for you and stand beside you...a marriage be involved in and strive for everyday...and are creating life inside of you. that is AMAZING.

im not jealous in a mean way. im jealous in an achey I wish I was in your shoes because ive wanted it for so long kinda way. im praying it will go away...but its been lingering around the corners of my brain for a little while and is showing up more and more often.

I turn 23 in a few days.
once I hit 21.....I started wishing the years would go backwards for me. I still feel like im that emotional little 14 year old girl though. I actually still am.... I still write in my journal about boys, I still curl my hair if I wanna impress a certain boy, I still play games and do all that immature crap.
its maddening. that's probably why no one has wanted to marry me yet, because I dont know how to date and have the mentality of a 14 year old. hahahha.

JEALOUSY is maddening. my kind of jealousy is a sad jealousy. its not mean or evil or anything like that. its the sit-in-my-bed-and-silently-sulk kinda jealousy. I still get upset when an ex boyfriend gets engaged for crying out loud. I stalk their engagement photos and am just so.. jealous. im like... 'wtf nice ring...why didn't you pick me!?!?'

I know people say you need to be happy where you are at in life. but I have been wanting to be married and hold a babe in my arms since I was 3 feet tall. anyone who knows me, knows im serious. each year I get left behind. each year I get my heart broken and I fall to pieces and I swear i'll never be in a relationship again....but it gets harder to want that in fear i'll never get my own family.

watching my friends have babies...holding their hand while they are going into labor..capturing the moment on camera of mama sobbing out of pure joy when she sees her precious little babes face for the first time.....it gets to me. it makes me cry happy tears. it would get to anyone sooner or later I think...but its been slowly getting to me piece by piece.

anyone who is living my dream knows it hurts me to sit back and watch them live it. because I've wanted it for over a decade. I've wanted it so badly, more than anyone could know. this is why im here. I've been a wife and mother in training since I was 3 years old! I used to pretend to be pregnant and make my cousin deliver my babydoll under my shirt for heavens sake. in the 4th grade I had a sleeping beauty and prince charming figurine I would wind up and make dance on my desk all through reading time because I dreamed of having a husband to be my life companion when I grew up. in the 7th grade during theater I would plan my wedding..i would take out binder paper and draw my dress, and hairstyle, and flowers, and what temple, and I would fake write the announcement out. and then me and my friends would swap and write in our crushes name. I mean seriously guys. this is embarrassing, but this is me. this is who I am and who ive been and who I've always wanted to be.

it takes me about a year to get over my bitter hating relationships thing after i get dumped..and im about there. i want to date and fall in love and be married. i would like to have a boy who actually wants me back, and that i can waste my nights with, because the smallest idea of thinking...maybe this is it...is such an exhilarating moment for anyone... but especially for me. im scared I wont get married for a LONG time..and then by the time I do, weddings and babies will be old news. the excitement will die down, because who wants to go support an old friend 5 years down the road when they have kids to take to soccer practice and dinner to get on the table?

"Nicole, youre young, bla bla, it will happen, don't rush"

well...it hurts. it sounds so stupid and silly, but im serious when I say it hurts because I am impatient, and thought my life would be so different right now. and on my most selfish days, I wonder why everyone gets my dreams but me.

I don't know if everyone is taking this as a joke, but its kinda like i'm grieving for the life I wanted.. that im watching everyone I love live out. I pray for it..i weep for it..i sit in my bed day after day and dream about it. even though this is all silly and pathetic for you to read...for me it has been really hard to write out. because its so honest.

im just worried. and scared. and jealous. its embarrassing I feel this way. how selfish of me! I can't believe how selfish this post it. I need to not be sad.
and I know I need to not be..because i was promised it would happen someday...and everything will fall into place...someday. whether i'm 23 or 25 or 28 or 31 or 34 or 37.

but it is so much easier said than done, to wait.

Heart vomit

2012-12-23T02:03:00.001-08:00

Okay soooo. I finally feel okay saying this pathetic heart vomit crap. Here goes.

This one time, a while back, I dated a dreamboat. I've written about dreamboat before... It was the first boy I dated after crazy pants, and he seriously was perfect... ok not perfect. I THOUGHT he was totes perfect. Okay I still kinda do. Whatever.

He was so kind, and caring, and handsome, and thoughtful...I loved sitting on the couch with him netflixing our nights away. (That was a close second to driving down 400 s in slc and holding hands and MAYBE kissing at every dang stoplight on that long street.) (Sorry mom). And he just made me so incredibly happy. It took me a while to ease into it, but once I did..I was hooked. SO hooked it was retarded.
Giddy retarded that I drove through the canyon in BLIZZARDS so I could see him. We laughed and flirted and joked and he would tell me after 15 minutes of being away from me, that he missed me. And I KNEW he missed me.

Anyway.. We broke up, yadda yadda, it was stupid and awful (for me at least) and I was pathetic for a very long time. I got so sick every single time I thought about him...I lost 15 pounds in 2 months from sheer SALT WATER WEIGHT FROM MY TEAR DUCTS. It was hell. That night in his car was hell and my mind repeated it over and over again for 6 months straight. everyday and every night. He moved on quick and had multiple girlfriends while I was still mourning the loss of him.

One day, about 4 months after he so graciously dumped me because I went to a friends house to go see him open his call......I saw him. I thought he was out of town, so I thought now was the perfect time to brave up and go to institute and see my friends..and there was absolutely no chance id see him! Mind you, I hated driving down Main Street because I knew he took that route to work. I mean...I took EVERY social and road detour in the town of kaysville so I wouldn't chance running into him. Because the thought of it made me literally ill.

"Hey....Hi..uhh How are you?"

WTF. *mental vomit, panic, mental tears*

"I..uh...hi..um..how are you..."

"Good how about you? It's been a while!"

"....ummmm..okay. So i thought you were out of town cuz I talked to your sister the other day and that's the only reason I came tonight because I didn't wanna see you and I apologize for things in the past and I really just...this is weird and I'm good but I've been avoiding you but it's great to see you"

I Should have said bye and usain-bolted outta there..but I didn't. I opened my dumb nicole mouth. We talked for about an hour and caught up. And flirted. And laughed. And it was normal..And so great. And I KNEW he missed me. I really knew it.

After that, He ignores me for a few more months. He has a few more girlfriends, texts me randomly when he dumps them...and then would get a few more. The last one stuck. I hear they are in love, bla bla. Well... She is in Europe for work...and the day she left, guess who's number shows up on my phone? He needed help for his brother, and knew I could help. So I did. And I went over to his house, and he played me all our old songs, and we laughed and flirted and joked and were so happy and I KNEW he missed me. I really knew it. He looked at me like he knew we missed each other.

A few days later I texted him to check on his brother... No text back. Ignored.

My gut is telling me that this girl really is here for good and to stop thinking about him every few months. It's pathetic.
Wanna know what's MORE pathetic?
I'd take him back in a heartbeat, even though I KNOW he won't want me again. I'm so used to him not wanting me back..I should know that by now. It's clear every time we see each other.

Soooo.....I guess you can miss someone and choose to do nothing about it. He chose that. Clearly...again and again. And is ok spending every day doing nothing about it. And I keep reminding myself of that every few months.

Dreamboat,
PLEASE get married to girl so you can sail off into the sunset and I can sink the thought of us that keeps crossing my mind.

Sincerely,
Vomiting heart. Aka. THIS GIRL.

yay area

2012-12-17T23:33:00.002-08:00

hello lovies.

so..i'm here in the bay area, nannying for my sister. her sweet babe is almost 3 months and ADORABLE. i get to snuggle him everyday. and even though im kinda lonely and bad at making friends.... i'll be okay.

i think i'll go explore san fran a bit on my own soon...that will keep me busy. i'll bring pepper spray too, dont worry. AND DID YOU KNOW ITS LEGAL TO RIDE THE BUS NAKED IN SF!?!?!?!? the only catch is you have to put a towel down before you set your naked butt down. REAL LIFE.

i find out if i get into grad school in the next few weeks. i dont think i'm getting in because my math and science grades werent so hot...so if i dont, i guess i'll start a career or something when i moved back to utah.

ive done a few births since i became a doula...and i love it. it is a little exhausting if i dont get a good nights sleep the night before..but i love it. i love helping the mama through birth. my last one was a scary one...as i was holding her legs for her and the doctor was trying to vacuum the baby out, the heartones kept dropping. and dropping. and her husband was crying. and 9 hours of strong contractions didn't do the trick. they rushed her to the OR for an emergency c-sec. i thought that doctors and nurses only dramatically rushed around on hospital tv shows..but nope. i got a picture of it (because i do birth photography as well) and it is all blurry cuz homies be runnin around EVERYWHERE.
it turned out being a beautiful experience in the end. what a blessing healthy babes are!

my whole fambam is coming out here for christmas..it will be the first non-white christmas since i was a little girl and lived here. maybe we'll do something craycray and make a snowman sand castle on the beach.

anyway....im so glad i can spill my boring life out once more to all of you.
BAIIII

ps...anyone have suggestions of fun things to do around here? i know theres museums..the beach..the city....

CRAZY PANTS

2012-12-15T00:29:00.001-08:00

hey guys.

SOOOOO glad my blog is finally private. i dont care about random people reading my blog, i just need to make sure that my life is kept on the DL. heres why:

i havent been writing because my psycho ex found a way of communicating with me the past few months- commenting on my blog posts. he knew i would read them because i have to approve comments. (i actually published a threatening one he posted on my last blog, about how he was going to 'email all my followers and let them know i was a liar', but he got embarrassed and deleted it.) so...i stopped writing on here because i didnt want him to show up if he knew where i was. once, he facebooked me and said, 'why are you on this street? i'm right by you'....aaaaaaand thats when i knew he had a problem.

mind you, i've moved...changed my number.. looked into restraining orders/no contact orders..but i guess 'crazy ex whos obsessed with you' doesnt fit the bill. he has caused me so much anger and fear the past few years im just done. it makes me sick to think i was ever with him. how was i so blind?

whenever he tries to talk to me, i say something like. "you need help" or "what dont you understand when i say i dont want you in my life" or "leave me alone you freaking sociopath"

anyway, he is BAT SHIT CRAZY. sorry, but he is.

when i found out he gave my ring to his FOURTH fiance, my sister said... "glad he didnt give it to you. he probably woulda pried it off your cold, dead hand if he needed it back." and she wasn't joking. :/ God bless that poor girl who he broke up with recently. what a blessing for her.

I actually had to go private because he threatened me this summer...basically saying he would come after me and my family if ever i told his fiance that he was a crazy pants. aaaaand i saved the convo on my computer just in case KSL ever needed to locate my effin body. so HEAR YE, HEAR YE LITTLE READERS: if ever i go missing, call the FBI! you know where i'm at.

wanna know what sucks? its forreal. he is forreal a disturbed person, and has no problems doing creep things. im scared to have any of my information on the world wide interwebs, because i never know where he is lurking. it sucks because he is mentally unstable. he has something severely wrong with him. i just cant take the threatening suicide if i wont be his friend- the manipulation, the threats, the lies.

anyway, i am PRAYING that this finally ends it. that he wont be able to figure out how to get ahold of me. i'm in california and will be for a few months... i heard he is here too, living a few hours away for some job, and living with his ex girlfriends family because he is a freakin weirdo.

the moral of this story is:

i am so blessed that when i prayed about marrying him, i got absolutely a blank answer. i couldnt understand it, but i could never feel 'good' or excited about marrying him. i loved him - (i loved the fake him) i cried and cried and postponed wedding plans over and over again. i begged him to give me more time and told him if we didnt fight for a week- then maybe i would let him propose. and i told him i wanted to be happy for at least a solid month before we got engaged, because i wanted to feel sure. and he would yell at me and be so angry because he thought i was crazy. and 'no one else would put up with my problems like him so i might as well marry him' so what was i waiting for? i remember i couldnt call him 'the love of my life'. it just bothered me so much and felt so weird. that was my first clue something wasn't right.

heaven bless unanswered prayers.
i find out later that he is an absolute sociopath.
and here i am, after counseling and tears and prayers and running away from him....that i know my life will be okay and there are ways to escape him.

im going to delete all my blog posts about him...i want no memories of that awful time in my life. i wish i could wipe my memory clean of the things he did....but making my life a secret to him and the world is kind of a start, right?

i think it is.

Going private- for good!

2012-12-08T02:49:00.000-08:00

Hi little readers.
About a year and a half ago..I thought i'd try out going private. It solved my problems for the most part, but I went public again when it didn't seem to help ENOUGH so I just gave up. Anyway..I need to do this again, for good this time. Sorry this is annoying but please comment with your email address you use for your blog so I can add you to the reader list.
I'll explain later :)

Thanks!

because its been a while

2012-12-02T22:15:00.001-08:00

hey yall.

tonight i cried watching the 3rd season finale of glee.
maybe it was because finn broke up with rachel and she cried the saddest cry i've ever seen, next to meredith crying when lexy dies. it ripped my tv-sitcom heart right out.

i need to whine for a min. i feel like the past 4 weeks have absolutely sucked to maximum suckiness...like ermergersh, why am i rachel berry getting dumped by finn except for really i dont have any musical/broadway talent at all..or a boyfriend to get dumped by!? AND.. i've had something in my eye for 3 freakin hours. why... WHY!? im about to grab the ducktape and go buckwild on this whole operation.(i hope this is pms)

post grad life.... :
lately i feel like i'm back in highschool... (which if i was would be BALLIN cuz i wouldnt think i'm way skinny and i probably wouldnt cry over my 16 year old boyfriend...when i was 18. lolz.) but frealz, when everyone in the dumb singles ward knows your business and youre just like, bih why do you know my life? it just makes me wanna sneak into sacrament and sneak right out. awkward glances, stupid text messages that take you 30 minutes to write out, putting on makeup and realizing it was a waste that day. draining. i wish i had a switch in my brain that said "STOP CARING YOU IMBICILE."

people who write passive aggressive texts with '........' and '...' and '..' at the end of everything make me wanna die. Y U NO SAY IT STRAIGHT FO-WARD!?

Right now i need a huge dose of BBC Jane Eyre and some reeses. CUZ SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA BINGE.

since i have zero friends in kaysville, i've been painting everyday for like.. 2-3 hours and its doing a number on my back. i bet you wanted to know that, eh? i just seriously am turning into julia child and am hunching over SO BADLY i couldnt even sit up straight today...so massage time tomorrow. i also re-did my bathroom all cutesie and pinterest like..so imma upload those soon. since i dont have a laptop, ive been ignoring the bloggosphere and uploading any pictures. i'll photo-vomit soon.

I miss college SO BAD.
Not knowing where your life is gonna take you is really, really scary. so...to all of you still in school and complaining about the long hours you spend on homework, and studying, and projects... (which i remember i would complain about on the daily...).... APPRECIATE IT. appreciate the library and the books and the teachers and the school friends. you are going to miss it immensly. because when you start complaining about the real world, which i am doing now, it is a lot more real. i miss learning and education and being engaged in work! just.. appreciate it.

ok, done whining. that being said, disregard all my complaints and hear this: i really need to work on living in the moment and not getting to the next phase in my life, but it is extremely hard when you feel stuck. please bless i remember to just enjoy right NOW.
im going to try to do that.

im done venting. bye.

chasing people.

2012-11-16T01:57:00.000-08:00

chasing people will never make them want you.
it will pull them away from you, actually.

so, heres a little guide for you gals to learn what i have learned the past week...

how to get a boy to not like you:

girls...if ever there is a moment, where a boy you like is driving you crazy and giving you mixed messages for an entire MONTH of hanging out everyday...don't think its appropriate to go out for hot chocolate one night and park in your truck and say..
'hey. are you ever going to ask me out on a date? because i like you..and you tell my friends that you like me, but you aint making a move. so make one or dont, but just lemme know...cuz this no communication thing is frustrating'

because WOOOOAAHHHH there nelly....they will absolutely lose ANY feelings they had for you..i mean, any feelings. if they thought you were pretty before? nope....IMMEDIATE UGLY.
in fact, they wont even think about you ever again, and will bail on you for a younger, more hip chick who is hard to get...who has the same name as my first dog.

how to get boys to like you:
?

......stumped.

In the book 'why men love bitches'....an analogy is made...

when a man waits for hunting season and finally gets to go out and hunt with his buddies..he is beyond thrilled. he is so stoked to find the perfect moose to track and hunt down so he can come home with a beautiful kill. he will taxedermy that crap and hang it up on the wall with pride, because he worked for it!

however...if one day a man opens up his door and there is a dead, bloody moose head on his doorstep.... you better believe he isnt going to take that anywhere but the trash.

am i trash!? was i being a dead moose head? am i forever a dead moose head because i cut to the chase because i've been dragged around multiple times? i'm not good at playing games and im not good at NOT playing games. freak!

but what about when the hunter is just with the moose 24/7 and texts the moose all day and tells all my moose friends that he's interested?
....
MAKES THE MOOSE LIVID.

but hey. frustration no more, because moose found out he was actually pursuing a deer. awesome.

dating is frustrating and totes not worth the pain of rejection.
so after all this drama happened and i was rejected by this boy who i was interested in..i thought..screw it. im not dating anymore. (the usual dramatic reaction that i have after i get dumped).
ive decided..no. this sucks and i dont wanna suck anymore. so, i'm going to date myself. cuz I DONT SUCK!!!! I SWEAR!!

yes, thats right. i took myself to a play last week and it was just lovely. i got ready, put on some cute clothes, and was quite excited to spend the night with myself.

wanna know why this is a brilliant idea?

-i will never break my heart
-i will never yell at me when i do something wrong
-i will never break up with myself and then only text me when i'm bored or lonely
-i will never expect flowers and get nothing from me if i want the dang flowers!
-i will not text me mean things that make me cry
-i will never have to ask myself to take me on a fun trip!
-and i will never leave me for a younger, prettier girl.

likelihood that i will stay happy? 99%
brilliance level because i'm dating myself? BOSS STATUS.

There's an e-card for everything.

2012-11-12T17:55:00.000-08:00

For example: My life...

College grad in a sucky economy

When an ex gets engaged

all my crushes.. ever

wish this didnt happen all the time..when really..

this is my normal life

and sometimes im bitter about my love life.

some girls make me crazy

and i probs shouldnt whine so much.

i'm pretty sure i'd be happier if i did real excerise instead of just walking up the stairs every now and then

...these people and i will never get along

you know who you are.

i'd love to say this but i'm afraid you'll hit me.

this on-going hipster trend is starting to make me crazy.

bye.

Murder Mystery Party!

2012-11-09T08:23:00.001-08:00

Do me and Shay plan the best Halloween parties ever?

YES.

Murder at the Juice Joint was def a success. AAAAAND probs party of the century. MTV shoulda covered this.

Mansion? Check.
35 guests? Check.
Smashing 1920's attire? Check.
Best night EVER? Check.
...picture overload? Check.

boys aren't men.

2012-11-05T00:26:00.005-08:00

Okay.. this has been on my mind for quite a little while. (and no, this isnt about anyone specific)

Boys:

Please, please, please grow up and start being men.

Quit saving your money to buy that new video game poster.

..and please stop spening 1000 dollars on snowboard passes when you are trying to pay for college.

Please stop running around with your homies doing illegal things because YOLO.

Please please please please stop telling girls that you just wanna 'have fun' and 'date around' and that you arent 'ready for a commitment because you don't know what you want'. (RAGE)

Please stop leading us on and pretending you care just for your own enjoyment and to be a 'playa'.

Please stop talking about your sweet ride and the rims you are about to purchase

... and your perfectly gelled hair.

Please give up that band that is getting nowhere because you live in UTAH.

Please stop with the name brands and all those stupid rvca and volcom shirts

and PLEASE for the love of pete, stop talking about how much iron you pumped at the gym yesterday. i dont care if you can bench press me! as long as i weigh less than you, we're cool.

But guess what? It doesnt matter. AT ALL. Not now and not ever.

A girl cares about some things in a MAN:

ambition.
drive.
work ethic.
spirit.
selflessness.
personality.
politeness.
character.
values.
..and being a GROWN UP.

....not those silly things i listed at the beginning.

I'd like for a man to open my car door for me, focus on the important things in life, actually want a family someday and pull his head out of his butt before he is 47 and sitting on his mothers couch eating cheetos.

ya know.. it'd be a plus if the man i end up with looks exactly like Ryan Gosling..but if not, I will be so completely happy with my MAN and not a boy that i wish were a man. does that make sense?

and mind you, i am working to become a woman..not a silly little girl.
(sorry that this was a rant from a silly girl...obv i have some work to do..)
but FREAK i'd just like to pass a man on the street someday.. have him be polite and kind and gentle but strong and say....hmm. now thats a man.

abracadabra, get into my life.

k bye.

The Last

2012-10-23T22:59:00.004-07:00

Today a boy i havent talked to in 5 years showed me this youtube. he said it reminded him of me...i dont know if thats because i'm a nosy girl..or what. but me and him were never in love, so its kinda weird that he sent me this. but.. watch it. try to ignore the couple cheesy parts and the fact that the main character is mike chang...mmk?

sooo anyway. member how i hate love and never wanna be in a relatinoship and dont believe in that bull at all? remember how i get super hurt and bitter over bad relationships? remember how i said i never wanna get married? we'll i'm still 7/10 of those feelings. but the 3/10s of the feelings that have a teensy weensy bit of hope that someday i'll find a LAST... just tried to burst outta my heart and explode through my tear ducts when i watched this. (dont mind that i have pms and cried last night in my bed because it was raining outside)

i just......... ok. once a girl liked a boy. and she told him. and he was like cool. and did nothing. and girl was like, wtf bro i went out on a limb. and hes all sorry im not brave and can't climb that tree. and im like what the heck you are a little boy... and im like.. i never go out on limbs bro!!!! this is mean. (but its not like this was me or anything.. :/ )

...i never go out on limbs. but every now and then i meet someone, and in the back of my head its like...what has come over me..you are cute.. i like you..what if there is the SMALLEST chance that this is the LAST? that 3/10ths of my gets the best of my tiny locked up unpredictable stupid PMS emotional heart just like that DURN t-swift album. i just.. i dont do crushes. i do stupid committment....and i try to avoid drama because heaven knows ive created and experienced enough of it. ive wanted to lock up my feelings the past year and be happy..and i really am. (minus this week). i really am FINE not being with someone and living the single life and finally living for me...but i also realized something. i am a better person when i care for someone. anyway. so my girly emotions get ahold of me...

and then i cry and get discouraged and wanna run away because that has been my stupid defense mechanism for the past couple years. maybe the 3/10s is just coming out because it is fall time and its about to get snowmantical and a boy hasnt called me beautiful in almost a year. maybe it caught me off guard and i ran away with an immature thought.

but anyways...this youtube.. you know the WHY girl in this video? it got me a thinkin.
i may be bitter and negative and stupid sometimes..and totes be a hater...but i dont wanna die without loving. without REALLY loving and being loved. i just dont. that..is the most miserable thought in the entire world... to never experience what everyone talks about and dreams about and hopes for.

i just.. wish someone could meet me halfway on a limb someday when i am ready and they are ready... BEFORE i fall off and break my neck and never experience great love...mmk?

mike chang...be my last..ok?

i'mmmm BACK- catch up

2012-10-22T15:46:00.000-07:00

I have been ridiculously absent from you, ya silly little readers. NOT that i have an exciting life, because I dont. lately i've been watching tons of sitcoms and downing nutella like it aint no thing. I had to quit my jobby with my triple toddlers..and i miss them so much it hurts. i seriously never thought i'd love little baby boys, but i do. so much that i'm scared i wont love my own kids as much as i love my trippies! okay i know i will, but loving THEM as much as i do, i cant imagine how much love my heart is gonna hold for my own babes someday.

anyways, not having a job and being uncertain about my future plans for the next few months is driving me BONKERS. i'm desperate to do crafts, read books, sew, and anything else that will keep my brain busy. I miss school so much i feel like a FOOL! i miss having a social life...yaknowwhaddimean? for the first time in 18 years im not attending school in the fall! it BLOWS. im so used to college and after a stressful day on campus, walking home and putting cider on the stove. now i stay in my pjs all day and try to find out what im doing with my life. FRICK GUYS. oh and i watch bob ross and paint for dayzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. but i applied for my social work license today. cant freaking wait to start helping people and get meaning back into my life. it will probs be a low-key job for my first carreer...but its a carreer....right?

lately i've had more drama in my life than in all 3 years of junior high combined. (OKAY THATS A LIE....maybe 1 semester of 8th grade.. LOLZ). It sucks to not be able to write out what exactly has been going on here on my blog, because this is my outlet. but I really don't feel safe doing it...and its pretty pathetic the people who have made my life bonkers. i'm SURE you can guess a certain man that has been making my life hell and has been the past 2 & 1/2 years. seriously. its immature to call that person out on here, but stop the stalking, bro!!!! i'll taze you. aint nobody got time to avoid you for yearzzz.

also applied to grad school. my app sucked but my essays were off the chizzain....my general grades werent so hot...so im just prayin whatever is supposed to happen will.

also.. i went to a midwife class. im never having my baby at home, but at least i know how to birth a baby if ever the midwife gets stuck in a storm and cant deliver the baby. ps... placenta is amazing and FRICKING DISGUSTING

also, go see pitch perfect. you'll lol your butt off.

anyway.. heres a meme. BYE

Fall Photo Shooooooot!

2012-09-25T21:05:00.001-07:00

I love fall.

And i love their love.

forgiveness & pride

2012-09-23T23:40:00.002-07:00

I've been thinking lately about forgiveness. People usually forgive people... they know how. They have forgiven others for the UNTHINKABLE... People have forgiven others for taking away their loved ones life. People have forgiven others for purposely RUINING their lives! So why can't I forgive the people who only purposefully tried to hurt me? Threatened me? Manipulated me? Emotionally messed me up for YEARS and sent me straight into therapy? I dont trust trust people now. I have a serious fear of abandonment and it ruins some of my relationships. I know feeling these things are my choice..but this person kickstarted it. Maybe thats just an excuse.. I don't know.

I can forgive someone I love for telling me I'm not good enough for them..But I can't forgive someone I dont love for all the pain they purposely put me through to tear me down and have control over me. Why? Am I prideful? Am I just a bad person who is full of stubbornness?

I've always felt like in my heart, I'm a forgiving person. I always liked to believe that about myself I guess. I say I forgive them, but I guess I haven't gotten there yet no matter how much I want to. I feel their apologies fake and their threats to emitionally and physically hurt me can NOT be taken back. I'm so mad because when I'm in contact with them, all they do is apologize and I'm angry that both good and bad feelings are surfacing for this person because they are apologizing. How messed up is that? It confuses me and makes me so mad at myself and at them! And I never get angry. If ever I'm angry, it turns to sadness and I literally weep my heart out...like a child. I feel like good feelings are worse than bad feelings for those who've hurt me. And I know that's wrong.. But in this situation.. I know it's the only way to protect me. it makes me worried I'm not over the situation if I haven't forgiven them.. And that makes me sick. Does that make sense??

I feel like I'm a traitor to my heart if I talk to this person and even allow them in my thoughts! I have conditioned my mind so much to stay away. But how can I forgive someone, if I feel like I'm being a traitor to my own heart? Does that make me an awful, terrible person?

Do I not know how to forgive? Christ forgives me everyday for not being who I promise to be, not measuring up to who I want to be, and forgives me for making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over again. He forgives me with mercy when I plead on my knees for not being who he knows i can be.

I'm scared of having kind thoughts towards someone awful and forgiving them naively just to let them possibly tear me down with their words. Defense mechanism? I dont know. Are their apologies sincere? Would they still do this again over and over to me because that is just in their character to hurt people? Yes. I know I'm rambling...I just know I need to forgive this person, but I know being in contact with them is so incredibly toxic and makes me absolutely hate myself. It makes me miserable, actually. I feel tortured inside because I want to move on with a peaceful conscience knowing I am able to forgive.

How do I forgive someone who i let nearly destroyed me? I guess i will stay away, but forgive slowly and forget slowly.

SOS for heavenly guidance to help my prideful heart.