If someone regularly criticizes you, calls you names, belittles you, or attacks your character, you are probably experiencing verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse can occur in marriages, intimate relationships, families, friendships, and workplaces. Over time, it can damage your self-esteem, increase anxiety, create self-doubt, and leave you feeling disconnected from yourself.

Research on Emotional and Verbal Abuse

Verbal and emotional abuse are more common than many Canadians realize. In 2018, Statistics Canada reported that psychological abuse is the most common form of intimate partner violence, experienced by 43% of ever-partnered women and 35% of ever-partnered men.

Other Canadian research found that approximately one in nine Canadians reported emotional abuse by a current or former spouse within the previous five years, often involving name-calling, humiliation, controlling behaviour, or efforts to isolate them from family and friends. These experiences are associated with increased anxiety, depression, emotional distress, and poorer overall mental health.

Other Research:
National Institutes of Health: Emotional Abuse and Mental Health
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7683637/

National Institutes of Health: Emotional Abuse in Intimate Relationships
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3876290/

United Nations: What Is Domestic Abuse?
https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse

The Effects of Verbal Abuse

When confronted with constant, caustic criticism or verbal abuse, most people react automatically. They defend themselves, counterattack, accept blame, attempt to fix the other person’s feelings, or withdraw in frustration.

Unfortunately, these reactions often leave us feeling more frustrated and helpless.

What if there was another option? What if these exchanges became opportunities to conduct a series of intentional experiments?

Not experiments designed to change another person. Experiments designed to help you maintain your integrity.

What Is Verbal Abuse?

According to mental health and domestic violence experts, verbal abuse includes patterns of communication that shame, demean, intimidate, belittle, control, or humiliate another person.

Examples include:

• Name-calling
• Insults
• Mocking
• Personal attacks
• Humiliation
• Repeated criticism
• Contemptuous language
• Character assassination

Statements such as:

• “You’re an idiot.”
• “You’re a loser.”
• “You’re an asshole.”
• “You never do anything right.”

are examples of unhealthy, attacking communication.

The purpose of this article is not to excuse verbal abuse or encourage people to tolerate it. The purpose is to help you respond in ways that protect your dignity, mental health, and self-respect.

The Difference Between Reacting and Responding

Reacting is automatic.

Responding is intentional.

A reaction is usually driven by hurt, fear, anger, shame, or old conditioning.

A response is guided by values.

When someone becomes critical or verbally aggressive, most of us become preoccupied with stopping them, convincing them, or defending ourselves.

Integrity invites a different question:

Who do I want to be while this is happening?

The following five experiments are intended to help answer that question.

Experiment #1: Respond to Criticism with Curiosity

When criticized, the natural impulse is to defend yourself.

Instead, experiment with curiosity.

You might ask:

• “Just curious, what’s got you feeling anxious?”
• “What would be helpful, so you feel supported right now?”

This does not mean agreeing with the criticism. It means looking beneath the criticism.

Many complaints and criticisms are poorly expressed attempts to communicate fear, disappointment, loneliness, overwhelm, or unmet needs.

Curiosity often lowers defensiveness and opens the door to understanding.

Experiment #2: Practice Problem Ownership

One of the most exhausting habits in relationships is assuming responsibility for another person’s emotions.

You can care about someone’s stress without becoming responsible for fixing it.

Try saying:

• “Yes, I hear you have a problem.”
• “I can see this is difficult for you.”

Notice the difference between compassion and rescue.

Healthy relationships require empathy. They do not require you to carry another person’s emotional burdens.

A useful reminder is: I can care without carrying.

Experiment #3: Respond to Verbal Abuse with Boundaries

When someone attacks your character, arguing seldom improves the situation. In fact, defending yourself often escalates the conflict.

Instead, experiment with a simple boundary statement.

Try saying:

“Ouch. That hurt.”

1. Then stop.
2. Sit down.
3. Say nothing more.
4. Allow the statement to stand on its own.

You are not retaliating. You are not escalating. You are not accepting the insult.

You are simply acknowledging its impact.

Healthy boundaries are not attempts to control another person’s behaviour. They are commitments about your own behaviour.

Experiment #4: View Disengagement as Noble

Many people confuse disengagement with weakness.

They assume walking away means losing. Sometimes the opposite is true.

There are moments when continuing a conversation simply creates more harm.

In those moments, disengagement may be the wisest response available.

Disengagement communicates:

• I respect myself.
• I respect you enough not to escalate.
• I refuse to participate in mutual harm.
• I choose peace over drama.

Not every invitation to fight deserves acceptance.

Sometimes the most powerful response is to step away. Yes, you have the right to walk away. If you are committed to the relationship, add, “Text (or phone) when you’re ready to talk respectfully and I will come back”.

Experiment #5: Catch Softness and Ask for Help

When relationships become strained, people often develop tunnel vision.

They begin noticing only criticism, mistakes, and disappointments. They begin to avoid even being in relationship with the abuser.

A powerful anti-dote is to intentionally look for moments of kindness, tenderness, and softness.

When you see them, say something.

For example:

• “I love how gentle you are with the children.”
• “I feel loved when you speak softly to me.”
• “I appreciate your acknowledgement.”

What we consistently notice often grows. At the same time, practice expressing your own needs clearly.

Many people secretly hope their loved ones will somehow figure out what they need. Most do not.

Try saying:

• “I want your help to become the best partner, parent, and person I can be.”
• “Receiving appreciation from sometimes would really help me.”

Healthy relationships require both appreciation and requests.

When Ending the Relationship May Be the Healthiest Choice

It is important to acknowledge that not all relationships become healthy.

• Sometimes curiosity helps.
• Sometimes boundaries are respected.
• Sometimes communication improves.
• And sometimes nothing changes.

Some individuals remain committed to criticism, contempt, manipulation, intimidation, or verbal abuse despite repeated opportunities to change.

In these circumstances, the goal may shift from improving the relationship to protecting your mental health.

There are situations where ending a relationship is not a failure.

• It is a boundary.
• It is an act of self-respect.
• It is a decision to stop exposing yourself to ongoing harm.

Maintaining integrity does not always mean staying. Sometimes maintaining integrity means leaving. Wisdom lies in learning the difference.

A Helpful Reminder About “Always” and “Never”

When emotions run high, people often use words such as:

• “You always…”
• “You never…”

These statements are usually expressions of frustration rather than objective truth.

When you hear them, pause and remind yourself: “Almost never true.”

This simple practice can reduce emotional reactivity and help keep you grounded in reality.

How to Deal with Verbal Abuse Without Losing Yourself

The purpose of these experiments is not to control another person. The purpose is to discover who you want to be in challenging situations.

• Can you remain respectful without submitting?
• Can you set boundaries without attacking?
• Can you stay compassionate without betraying yourself?
• Can you disengage without resentment?
• Can you remain true to your values even when someone else is struggling to remain true to theirs?

The next time criticism, blame, or verbal abuse appears, pause.

1. Choose one experiment.
2. Observe what happens.
3. Then ask yourself:

Did that response help me remain in integrity with myself?

The answer may teach you more than any argument ever could.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is verbal abuse a form of emotional abuse?

Yes. Verbal abuse is one of the most common forms of emotional abuse and can significantly affect self-esteem, mental health, and relationship satisfaction.

Can verbal abuse damage mental health?

Yes. Research has linked chronic verbal abuse to anxiety, depression, emotional distress, self-doubt, and decreased self-esteem.

Should I stay in a verbally abusive relationship?

Not necessarily. Some relationships improve when both people are willing to take responsibility and seek help. Others remain harmful despite repeated efforts. In some situations, leaving the relationship may be the healthiest choice.

Conclusion

When criticism, blame, or verbal abuse comes your way, your greatest power is not in changing the other person, it is in choosing how you will respond. The real experiment is this: Can you remain true to your values, your dignity, and your integrity, regardless of what someone else brings into the space?

Please check out these related posts:

• Relationship Fighting and 12 Tips to Do Relationship Repair
• Are You REALLY in An Abusive Relationship?
• How to Develop Assertiveness Skills to Speak Up!

In recent years, conversations about emotionally safe spaces have increased in workplaces, schools, counselling settings, and communities. Yet emotional safety is more complex than simply declaring a room, meeting, or organization to be “safe.” Every person enters a room or space with unique experiences, memories, wounds, beliefs, and hopes. What feels supportive to one person may feel threatening or emotionally activating to another.

For this reason, perhaps the goal is not to create perfectly safe spaces, but to cultivate emotionally safe spaces with awareness, humility, and care.

Cultivating emotional safety begins with becoming conscious. I’m still working on this awareness myself. It requires us to notice our reactions, beliefs, assumptions, and emotional responses. A single word, story, or topic can activate painful memories or unresolved experiences for someone else.

For example, in Canada, many Indigenous peoples continue to carry the grief and intergenerational trauma connected to residential schools and the discovery of unmarked graves of Indigenous children. Thousands of children died from disease, neglect, and abuse during the era of residential schools from the 1880s through the late 1990s. The discoveries began in 2021 and reopened pain for many individuals, families, and communities. In spaces where these events are discussed, we are wise to walk gently, speak thoughtfully, and listen with compassion.

Psychologically Safe Space vs. Emotionally Safe Space

Although the terms are sometimes used interchangeably, there is an important difference between a psychologically safe space and an emotionally safe space.

Psychologically Safe Space

A psychologically safe space is an environment where people feel able to speak up, ask questions, express ideas, admit mistakes, or disagree without fear of humiliation, punishment, or rejection. Psychological safety is often discussed in workplaces, leadership, and teams.

Emotionally Safe Space

An emotionally safe space goes deeper. It recognizes that many people live with emotionally tender experiences, vulnerabilities, and traumas. Emotional safety involves belonging, compassion, empathy, and the ability to remain connected even during discomfort, disagreement or emotional activation.

A psychologically safe space may allow someone to speak.
An emotionally safe space helps them feel seen, valued, and human while doing so.

Why Emotional Safety Matters

Human beings are wired for belonging, connection, and safety. When we experience emotional danger, our nervous system can shift into survival mode. Instead of engaging the thoughtful, problem-solving parts of the brain, we move into fear, protection, control, or withdrawal.

In emotionally unsafe environments:

• People become defensive
• Creativity decreases
• Listening diminishes
• Conflict intensifies
• Individuals silence themselves
• Decision-making becomes reactive

When people feel emotionally safe, they are more able to:

• Listen openly
• Stay curious
• Collaborate
• Problem solve
• Regulate emotions
• Tolerate differences
• Take healthy relational risks

Emotional safety is not about avoiding discomfort. We are often required to have difficult conversations. Instead, emotional safety means creating conditions where people can remain connected and respected while engaging in those conversations.

Cultivating Safe Spaces Is a Process

Safety cannot be forced or guaranteed. It must be cultivated continuously through self-awareness and relationships.

At the centre of this process is one essential principle: Know Yourself.

When individuals understand their own history, strengths, wounds, fears, needs, and triggers, they are less likely to silence others or react defensively. Self-awareness allows people to connect with greater compassion and accountability.

Here are two important questions to ask yourself:

1. Who am I?

Identity matters. People with a grounded sense of self are less likely to shame, dismiss, or dominate others. They are better able to create belonging rather than seek power over others.

1. What is on my heart?

Emotions sway our decisions. Grief, resentment, sadness, bitterness, fear, and joy all influence how we interpret situations and respond to others. Acknowledging emotions honestly allows for more conscious and caring decision-making.

Too often, individuals or organizations hide behind policies rather than engage in uncomfortable but necessary conversations.

Four Conditions for Cultivating Safe Spaces

Healthy and emotionally safe communities often require these four conditions:

1. Trust

Trust grows through sharing our values, preferences and goals, storytelling our history, and relationships grounded in care rather than control. People need time and space to share.

2. Relationship

Healing happens human-to-human. Every voice matters. Emotional safety increases when people feel heard rather than managed.

3. Innovation

Visionaries and creative thinkers often need time to process, ask questions, and explore possibilities. Many neurodivergent individuals contribute significantly in this area, even if their communication style differs from the rest of us.

4. Action

Leaders and action-oriented people help move ideas forward. Yet inclusive leadership recognizes that not everyone processes information or priorities in the same way.

10 Ways to Cultivate an Emotionally Safe Space

Here are several practical ways individuals and organizations can cultivate emotional safety:

1. Listen with gentle curiosity
2. Notice emotional reactions before responding
3. Be hard on systems and gentle on people
4. Allow different opinions to be heard without judgment
5. Recognize the impact of trauma and lived experience
6. Encourage belonging and human connection
7. Avoid shaming, silencing, or dismissing others
8. Give people time to think and process
9. Stay aware of fear-based or control-based reactions
10. Focus on understanding before problem-solving

If you want to better understand how to recognize and respond to your own nervous system responses,  as well as the emotional states of others, my award-winning book, Return to Center: Simple Strategies to Navigate Distress, Depression and Disconnection, offers practical insights and guidance. It  explores how stress, emotional overwhelm, and disconnection affect our thoughts, behaviours, relationships, and ability to feel safe and connected.

Conclusion

Sometimes what we label as a problem is an opportunity to hear how we differ and develop a new respect for those differences.

Cultivating emotionally safe spaces is not about perfection. It is about practicing awareness, compassion, courage, and connection. It is a lifelong process of learning how to be kindly human  with one another, especially when conversations are difficult.

Please check out these related posts:

• Return to Center: Simple Strategies to Navigate Distress. .
• Explore Your Childhood Wounds to Be a More Resilient Adult
• Stress and Trauma: Understand the Difference in Meaning and Experience

Have you ever wondered about your humor personality or telling a joke or two? WAIT! You might be asking, “Do I need to tell jokes to have a sense of humor?” Absolutely not! Read on!

Most of us, at some time or another, crack a smile — if not a gut wrenching guffaw. Having a sense of humor does not require the ability to throw an audience of one or a thousand into ripples of laughter. It merely requires the ability to look at life from a different and fun perspective. You can be the initiator of humor or the appreciative recipient – the humoree.

My friend, Judy Carter, is a great example of someone who has figured out how to have fun with her personal sense of humor. Positive psychologists describe the myriad health benefits of having a sense of humor, especially when it is shared with others. Judy must be some healthy gal!

Judy is the author of The Comedy Bible, is a humor craft buddy to Jerry Seinfeld, and has been my humor instructor. What a blast! Together, we slowly developed confidence in crafting and delivering our jokes. Here is one of mine:

The average person has 50,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day. 65%  are negative. 30% are positive. 5% are “Who cares?”

Develop Your Humor Bones

There are many different sense of humor types. Professional humorists range from comic strip and cartoon creators, to stand up comics, to late night show hosts, to writers and philosophers. They use language that includes exaggeration, irony, satire, over literalness, jokes, Top Ten lists, and word plays like riddles, rhymes and puns.

Their presentation style may be eccentric, observational incongruities, self-deprecating, insults, angry, gross, imitative or mimicking, stereotypical or slapstick.  Content is endless, although politics and sex are two favorites. President-elect Donald Trump is fodder for both.

Your favorite smile makers will give you an indication of your humor type/personality. Which comedians/characters from the list below increase your laugh-o-meter?

1. André-Philippe Gagnon’s character and singing impressions?
2. Ellen Degenere’s childlike playfulness and dancing?
3. Brent Butt‘s Canadian cornball?
4. Jerry Seinfeld‘s  every day and absurd observations?
5. Rowan Atkinson‘s (Mr. Bean) mime and exaggerated calamities?
6. Wanda Sykes‘ feminist observations?
7. Bette Midler’s unpredictable outrageous acts?
8. Jim Carrey’s eccentric facial and body visuals?
9. Stephen Colbert’s, Jon Stewart’s, or Trevor Noah’s poking fun at the news?
10. Woody Allen’s exaggerated life pessimism mixed with self-deprecation?
11. The late George Carlin’s mastery of language?
12. The late Richard Pryor’s and Eddie Murphy’s angry and shocking attack language?
13. The late Robin Williams’ fast word plays?
14. The late May West’s proactively sexual attitude?
15. The late Will Rogers’ or Mark Twain’s philosophic statements?

Our humor choices reflect our personality and sometimes our unresolved issues. When someone makes a wisecrack, he is saying volumes about his beliefs. Because all humor is based on an element of surprise, the sweeter and kinder deliveries do not have the same walloping impact.

However, be aware that gross and attacking humor, as is used in some raunchy comedy clubs, has the potential to deeply hurt others. Just ask a victim of a playground bully about being teased.

You do have a choice of what kind of humor personality you develop and when to use it. Humor can wound, degrade, put-down and exclude us from one another or it can heal, humanize, elevate and connect us. I recommend the last four!

Choose Health Inducing Humor

The primary intention of the above-noted performers is to provide entertainment.

However, there are increasingly humor educators who want us to make a positive impact with healthy humor. Here are five of the most active:

1. Patch Adams
2. Canadian humor educator, Michael Kerr
3. Loretta LaRoche, the humorist who makes fun of stress
4. Joel Goodman of the Humor Project

These educators encourage a form of joyful kindness. As a woman speaker, a motivational speaker or keynote speaker, I realized I needed to discover my little corner in the humor room.  The humor descriptors “corny” and “playful” repeatedly came forward from friends or audiences. These words resonate with me.  You see, your humor personality is more like a birthmark than a tattoo.  Look around for yours.

Consider Telling a Favorite Joke

Sometimes being able to tell a joke is a useful skill. Some people decide they just can not pull it off. But maybe they do not know the simple mechanics of what to do after they have memorized the joke lines.

Should you want to experiment with telling a joke, here are some tips to follow:

Ten Tips to Tell a Joke

1. Collect one to three jokes from the Readers Digest, the internet or the coffee shop. Choose ones you think are funny and reflect your life.
2. Do NOT start with: “I’m going to tell a joke.” A joke is dependent on the element of surprise.
3. Tell jokes that are relevant to the listeners and the present conversation.
4. Adapt the joke to familiar places and characters.
5. Use the five senses in the telling: sight, sound, taste, smell, and feelings.
6. Tell it with an exaggerated emotional tone.
7. Make sure you leave the punch, the surprise line, to the very end.
8. Pause before the punch!
9. If they don’t laugh, continue the conversation. No one will be the wiser.
10. Have fun!

Joke Example

Here is an example I share with girlfriends and tell in my presentation, Merry Love Making: How to Strengthen a Long Term Love Relationship:

After fifty years of marriage, Les and I do IT  almost every day of the week. Pretty impressive, eh? Well, we do IT, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…

This is an adaptation of a very old joke. Now you can decide what you do almost every day of the week to create your own version.

Use a Kind Humor Code of Conduct

Use sarcasm, put-downs and insults sparingly.  Avoid vulgarity and profanity and the temptation to use them for shock value.  Be careful when joking about something that a person CANNOT change. That includes discriminatory remarks about other’s culture, race, religion or sex.

People in the public eye, as opposed to the public washroom, are often an exception to this rule as being poked fun at is the price they pay for fame and wealth.

Self-deprecation is the safest form of ‘jokey’ humor. Make fun of your own folly. Share a joke with us…tastefully, please!

Summary

In the end, having fun and using our personal sense of humor to find some perspective in our lives is something to strive for. It was Mark Twain that observed, “Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.” Don’t stand too long without declaring “I have a sense of humor!”

Please check out these related posts:

• Laughter is the Best Medicine: How to Make a Hurting Friend Feel Better with Humor
• The Why, What and How of Women’s Humor

Once again, I was in a training room with Dr. Vincent T. Covello, globally recognized for his work in risk communication and human behavior under stress. He is the founder and director of New York based,  Center for Risk Communication. This article is based on key insights from his training, with a focus on what helps people listen, process, and respond when emotions run high.

When emotions run high, communication changes. People cannot think clearly and they react. And if we don’t change how we communicate in those moments, even well-intended messages can fail or even create more resistance.

Why Communication Breaks Down When Emotions Run High

When emotions run high, the brain shifts into survival and protection  mode. Information is processed first through the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) before it reaches the pre-frontal cortex where reasoning and logical thinking happens.

In simple terms: people feel before they think.

This is why logic alone doesn’t work in emotionally charged moments. Whether you’re working with clients, students, or teams, the goal is not just to deliver information. It’s to help regulate the emotional experience so the message can actually be heard.

Even small language choices matter. For example:

• “I hear your concern, but…” can trigger defensiveness
• “I hear your concern, and…” keeps the brain open

When emotions run high, words either build safety—or signal threat.

Keep It Simple: The Impact of Mental Noise

Another key concept is mental noise. When emotions run high, people’s ability to process information drops significantly.

That’s why communication should be:

• Clear
• Concise
• Around a Grade 6–8 level

Even highly capable individuals benefit from simplicity under stress.

People tend to remember:

• The first thing you say
• The last thing you say

If your most important message is buried in the middle, it may not land at all.

Trust Comes Before Understanding

When emotions run high, people don’t ask, “Is this information accurate?”
They ask:

• Do you care about me?
• Can I trust you?

This is where many professionals get stuck. We lead with information when we would be wise to lead with connection.

A simple way to think about it is Trust = Caring + Competence. Without trust, even the best information won’t be received.

What People Need in High-Emotion Moments

When emotions run high, people are less interested in data, facts, and statistics. They are more focused on how they feel in relationship to you. They are looking for:

• Empathy
• Respect
• Fairness
• Credibility
• Emotional Safety

This is especially relevant for therapists and educators, where relationship and safety directly impact outcomes. Listening becomes more important than explaining. Feeling heard often reduces distress more effectively than being “right.”

Risk, Control, and Emotional Response

When emotions run high, perception of risk becomes amplified, especially when people feel a powerless and uncertain, as well as perceiving that something is being imposed or pushed on them.

This helps explain why people may resist direction, even when it is evidence-based. Trust is seldom built on information. It’s built on the experience of personal control and emotional safety.

Choose Words That Reduce Anxiety

Language plays a powerful role in how people respond. For example:

• “We may change our approach” → feels uncertain
• “We will update you as we learn more” → feels steady and responsive

When emotions run high, even subtle word changes can shift how safe or unsafe a message feels. It’s also important to remember that negative information carries more weight than positive. One negative message can outweigh several positive ones, so how you frame your communication matters.

Communication in a Social Media World

Today, when emotions run high, communication is influenced by:

• Confirmation bias (people seek information that matches their already established beliefs)
• Algorithms that reinforce those beliefs
• Decreasing trust in institutions

People are more likely to trust those who feel relatable, authentic, and have the capacity to create emotional and psychological safety.  For leaders, therapists, educators, and even parents, this reinforces the importance of connection over authority alone.

Start With Empathy

When emotions run high, empathy is not optional. It’s essential! This includes:

• Acknowledging feelings (“Yes, this feel hard and maybe even scary”)
• Naming the experience (“It makes sense you feel overwhelmed”)
• Avoiding dismissive language

Empathy doesn’t mean agreement. It means seeking to understand. And importantly, even when you communicate well, not everyone will agree.

Practical Strategies You Can Use

When emotions run high, these tips can help:

• Lead with empathy before information
• Keep messages short and focused
• Repeat key points
• Avoid absolutes like “always” or “never”
• Stay within your scope of expertise
• Work with other trusted voices when needed
• Focus on connection, not just correction

For apologies or repair conversations:

• Acknowledge what happened
• Take responsibility
• Share and commit to what will change

This builds credibility and trust over time.

Covello’s Seven Rules

Rule #1: Accept and involve the public as partners
The goal is to create an informed and engaged audience—not to dismiss concerns.
Note: This rule is in support of politicians, public relations officers and others, who need to address concerns of the public.

Rule #2: Plan carefully and evaluate your efforts
Different audiences require different approaches. Focus on trust, clarity, and respectful dialogue.

Rule #3: Listen to your audience
People care more about empathy and fairness than detailed data.

Rule #4: Be honest, open, and transparent
Trust is hard to gain and easy to lose.

Rule #5: Work with other credible sources
Aligned messaging strengthens trust.

Rule #6: Meet the needs of the media
Media prioritizes simplicity, conflict, and clarity—be prepared for that.

Rule #7: Speak clearly and with compassion
Never overlook the human impact behind the message.

Conclusion:

When emotions run high, communication is not just about delivering information. It’s about creating the conditions where information can be received.

For therapists, educators, and leaders this is especially important. The ability to regulate the emotional tone of a conversation often determines whether learning, growth, or change can happen.

When you lead with empathy, communicate with clarity, and build trust first, you’re not just sharing information, you’re making it possible for someone to really hear your message.

Please check out these related posts:

• How to Communicate in High-Stress Situations   (another event with Dr. Vincent Covello)
• Return to Center: Simple Strategies to Navigate Distress. .
• Improve Your Relationship Communication by Listening

The teen arrived with his parent, curled up in his hoody, eyes down, and close to non-responsive, until he said, “Everything I do goes wrong.”

That sentence sums up what many parents, educators, and mental health professionals hear more often these days. Teen depression is rising, and with it comes a troubling pattern: school avoidance, withdrawal, and a sense of failure.

Across Canada, increasing numbers of adolescents report persistent sadness, low motivation, and difficulty functioning at school, home, and community. Attending school, which was once a routine, can begin to feel overwhelming, pointless, or even emotionally unsafe. For some teens, avoiding school isn’t defiance; it’s a coping strategy to escape feelings of anxiety, depression or the belief that, no matter what they do, they can’t succeed.

Understanding what’s happening beneath the surface is the first step toward helping.

Why More Teens Are Struggling Right Now

Adolescence has always been a shaky development stage, but several factors have increased the mental health challenges teens face today:

• Academic and social pressure
• Social Media comparison and exposure
• Routine disruptions from Covid-19 shutdowns and effects
• Increased awareness of mental health
• The lure of video games as easy distraction for life’s challenges

When these stresses combine with discouraging events or setbacks, teens can develop negative self-talk such as “Everything I do goes wrong.”

Of course, this belief is rarely true. It’s a story the brain tells after repeated disappointment.

Teen Depression and School Avoidance

One of the most common and misunderstood signs of teen depression is school refusal or avoidance. To adults, this may look like lack of motivation, laziness, or defiance.

But what is often going on is fear of failure, social stress or perceived rejection, emotional overwhelm, and/or loss of confidence.

When a teen believes they will fail, school becomes emotionally risky. Avoiding it brings short-term relief, which unintentionally reinforces the pattern. The more they avoid class, the more marks fall and so on.

The Power of the “Everything Goes Wrong”

This type of thinking is known as all-or-nothing thinking, a common pattern in depression. It distorts reality in these ways:

• Negative experiences are amplified
• Neutral moments are ignored
• Positive experiences are dismissed

Over time, the thought can become one of identity as in, “I don’t just fail. I am a failure.” Yet many teens who say this can still show curiosity. This teen did. He began to ask questions such as:

• “Why do you tell me stories?”
• “What can I do with my anger?”
• “Do you think parents should make decisions for me?”

Teens ask questions. They think. They notice. That curiosity opens the door for connection and healing.

Why Curiosity Matters More Than You Think

A teen who asks questions, even quietly, shows a thinking brain is still active, they haven’t fully shut down, and they are still searching for answers from adults. When adults respond with equal curiosity instead of correction, it builds trust.

Instead of responding with “That’s not true,” try “What makes it feel that way?” Curiosity opens doors while pressure, demands, and judgement closes doors.

Helping Teens Separate from Their Inner Critic

Depressed teens often experience a harsh internal voice that sounds like:

• “You messed up,” or “You can’t do anything right,” or “Don’t bother trying.”

This voice can feel like truth, but it’s a pattern of thinking, not a fact. One helpful approach is to gently externalize the self-talk:

• “When does that voice show up most?”
• “Does it ever exaggerate?”
• “If it had a name, what would it be?”

This creates distance between the teen and the thought. Instead of being the problem, they begin to observe or notice the problem.

A Practical Tool: The Evidence Detective

When a teen says, “Everything goes wrong,” avoid arguing. Instead, invite questions of curiosity. Here is an exercise to help:

1. Write the thought, “Everything I do goes wrong.”
2. Ask for evidence FOR the thought
3. Ask for evidence AGAINST the thought
4. Then ask, “What percentage of things actually go wrong?”

Most teens shift from “everything” to something more realistic, often 60 to 70%. That small change matters. It opens the possibility that, not everything goes wrong.

This is supported by research showing that our brains are wired to notice negative experiences more strongly than positive ones. To counter this bias, we need to intentionally notice or savour what is going well, not just what is going wrong.

Role Model Uplifting Emotions

This article from the Mayo Clinic highlights how positive experiences must be consciously recognized to influence mood and resilience. Positive thinking: Stop negative self-talk to reduce stress at https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950

The Importance of Micro-Success

One of the most effective ways to help a depressed teen is to lower the bar. Instead of, “Go back to school full time”, try walking into the building, or attend one class, or stay for 10 minutes.

Present these ideas as “We’re experimenting with what will work”

Small successes rebuild something depression erodes: confidence through experience.

How Adults Can Listen and Support a Depressed Teen

When a teen is struggling with depression and school avoidance, how you respond matters as much as what you say.

Here are practical, research-informed ways to help address teen depression:

• Listen without correcting. Let them fully express their experience before offering perspective.
• Acknowledge the feeling, not the distorted thinking. “That sounds really hard”. This avoids agreeing that everything is hopeless.
• Use curiosity instead of lectures. Ask open-ended questions such as, “What makes it feel that way?”
• Focus on small steps, not big solutions. Help them identify one manageable action step.
• Avoid overwhelming them with too many ideas or strategies. One or two ideas at a time is enough.
• Separate them from the problem. Talk about “the critic part” or “the depressed part,” not “you are depressed.”
• Comment on effort. “You showed up and that matters.”
• Reduce pressure around school. Shift from demands to experiments.
• Expand on what they enjoy (like gaming). Use moments of capability to acknowledge progress.
• Reinforce hope through identity “I notice you ask thoughtful questions. That’s a strength.”

Conclusion:

Teen depression is real, rising, and often hidden behind withdrawal and avoidance. But within many teens, even those who say “everything goes wrong”, there are signs of hope. Notice their curiosity, connection, and capacity to think.

When we approach teens with patience, respect, and small, achievable steps, we help them rediscover their story of being lovable, capable, and resilience. And they have a say in how their lives unfold.

Please check out these related posts:

• Teenage Problems? How to Improve Your Connection
• Use Family Meetings to Fuel Love and Cooperation
• When Parents Disagree is a Common Family Challenge

“. . . suppressing uncomfortable feelings can contribute to more distress? Those who accept all of their emotions without judgment tend to be less focused on negativity and feel less upset about feeling upset.” Note the phrase “without judgment” because self-judgement typically is an old unresolved trauma pattern, related to poor mental health.

Yes! We are best to be aware of, and accept, our spectrum of emotions from feeling blue to bliss, sad to satisfied, and scared to safe.

However, I am a fan of Tom Rath’s and Jon Clifton’s work through The Gallop Poll. Rath is the author of the book, How Full Is Your Bucket?  which encourages us to encourage one another, especially those in leadership roles. In May 21, 2014 The Gallop Poll released a report called People Worldwide Are Reporting a Lot of Positive Emotions.

They point out that, in their research, regardless of the wars and unrest in the world, seven in 10 people in 138 countries reported in their Positive Experiences Index significant amounts of:

1. enjoyment
2. laughing or smiling
3. feeling well-rested
4. being treated with respect

You might imagine Americans and Canadians, with all of our stuff and two car garages, would be at the top of the list. But Latin Americans are at the top with the citizens of Paraguay at the very top. Syrians were at the bottom.

So what is this about you and me? Rather than a positive emotional focus, let us focus on creating an enlivened life filled with the experiences described above.

How to Put on Your Authentic Smile

1. Find Enjoyment

The lesson adults can learn here is that the world is filled with things for our enjoyment. Allen Klein, author of The Healing Power of Humor

1. Discover what you enjoy. Do it more.
2. If need be, find another passion. Our niece, Kaitlin, lived to snowboard; so much that she would move to New Zealand and then Japan to follow the snow year round. Then she incurred injuries that incapacitated her participation in her beloved sport. The solution was to find other ways to find joy and happiness. Go deeper. Many who have car accidents, strokes or loss of loved ones or a career discover their well-being is restored once they find another passion, dream or enjoyment.
3. Another strategy is to develop a gratitude practice so that you enjoy the details of your life from morning coffee to your heavenly bedroom pillow.

2. Laugh and Smile

Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself. Khill Gibran, Lebanese artist, poet, and writer

1. Find your funny bone, whether it is laughing at yourself, a favourite TV show such as The Big Bang Theory or hanging out with children.
2.  Smile, whenever doing so is aligned with how you are feel. Smiles have been known to save others’ lives. Having a practice of gratitude can help increase your smile frequency.

3. Stay Rested

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know? Ernest Hemingway, American author and journalist

1. Honour your inherent sleep habits—morning lark or night owl. The Latin Americans tend to stay up late, have siestas, and not ask, “Did you sleep in?” Like them, I tend to be a night owl.
2. Practise good sleep hygiene habits. Do as many as you can. Have no caffeine after 2 pm; do calm activities before going to bed; sleep in a quiet, dark room; use a quality mattress and pillow.
3. Add napping. Join your favourite cat.

4. Treat Yourself and Others with Respect

Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners. Laurence Sterne, English novelist

1. Start with self-respect. Use your values to guide your decisions so that you stay in integrity. Acknowledge your abilities, strengths, characteristics, and contributions.
2. Treat others as they would like to be treated. Ask them what is important to them and about their preferences. Usually people feel respected when we acknowledge their abilities, strengths, characteristics and contributions.
3. Provide guidance to others so that you feel respected by them. Respect to one person can mean disrespect to another. Do you want more time alone or more time connecting? Do you want others to jump into the conversation or do you prefer they stay silent until you finish speaking? Do you want others to leave their shoes on or take them off at the front door?
4. Mutual respect means a give and take of the above points.

5. Create an In-Joy List

Find joy in everything you choose to do. Every job, relationship, home… it’s your responsibility to love it, or change it. Chuck Palahniuk

A few years ago, I took a course with Barbara Fredrickson, author of Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive.  Her work explores how positive emotions such as joy, awe, and gratitude, can expand our thinking and strengthen our well-being.

One idea that stayed with me is savoring: slowing down, noticing what’s good, and fully receiving it. It’s the simple act of pausing, smelling the roses, breathing in gratitude, and being present enough to let the moment land.

Fredrickson captures this beautifully:
“The negative screams at you, but the positive only whispers.”

Because of that, joy often requires intention.

Joy can arise unexpectedly, but it can also be cultivated. When we get clear about what brings us meaning, energy, and satisfaction, we can begin to create more of it in our lives. This is primarily an internal, personal discovery.

Consider:

• What delights your senses—sight, sound, touch, taste, smell?
• What energizes you physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively, socially, or spiritually?

A Simple Joy-Savoring Exercise

Take a lined piece of paper. Across the top right, write: A/O, S/P, $, √

In a larger left-hand column, quickly list things you would like to be, do, or have. Don’t overthink it—just let it flow.

Your list might include:

1. Feel peaceful
2. Have a cup of tea while reading emails
3. Watch my favorite TV show
4. Own an amazing laptop
5. Eat a bowl of fresh strawberries
6. …and more

(Aim for at least 10 items—the more, the better.)

Note: Don’t look ahead yet—complete your list first.

Then, go back and add symbols to each item:

• A / O — Alone or with Others
• S / P — Spontaneous or Planned
• $ — Costs $5 or more
• √ — You’ve experienced it in the past year

Reflect: What do you notice?

• Are most of your joys simple or complex?
• Do they require money—or just attention?
• Are they already present in your life, or waiting to be invited in?

Finally, ask yourself: What is one small way I can increase joy tomorrow?

Joy doesn’t always arrive loudly. Often, it’s already here—quietly waiting to be noticed.

The Benefit of Sharing Pleasurable Moments with a Partner

Fredrickson also said,

Flouishing is not a solo endeavor.

So if you are in a relationship, would your partner write their list; that is do the above exercise? Then imagine how the two of you could explore the two lists to deepen your connection.

The research tells us that sharing pleasing moments with a partner not only deepens connection, it fosters emotional intimacy. By experiencing joy together, you strengthen your bond, build trust, and create shared memories that can help sustain the relationship through  conflict and other challenges. This practice enhances overall relationship satisfaction and emotional resilience. Of course, friendships are enhanced by sharing these kinds of experiences as well.

Conclusion:

Authentic joy comes from many sources. However, it begins with a decision to not only deal with life’s pain but find life’s wonder, and that requires commitment and savouring. Please let me know how adding joy progresses for you. I’m interested!

Please check out these related posts:

The Top 7 Habits of Light-Hearted People
How to Have Fun with Your Personal Sense of Humor

What Resilient People Know and Do to Build Grit:
10 Proven Traits of Highly Resilient People

In many ways, all of us are resilient. Yet some individuals demonstrate extraordinary resilience—those people whose stories make you wonder, “How did they do it?”

Think of figures like Nelson Mandela, 14th Dalai Lama, and Malala Yousafzai. Their lives reflect remarkable courage and perseverance. Still, resilience isn’t limited to famous figures—everyday people quietly demonstrate grit and strength in the face of adversity.

Researchers such as Al Siebert and Martin Seligman have identified patterns in how highly resilient people think, feel, and act. The encouraging truth? These are learnable skills.

10 Traits of Highly Resilient People

1. They care for their bodies
Resilient people understand the mind-body connection. Eating nourishing food, getting adequate rest, moderating alcohol, and avoiding smoking strengthen the body’s ability to handle stress.

2. They recognize and address stress early
Ignoring stress amplifies it. Naming what’s difficult—and either taking action or accepting what cannot be changed—reduces its intensity.

3. They take responsibility for their thoughts and emotions
Self-critical thinking can quietly shape your entire life. By reframing thoughts, you shift your emotional state, perspective, and ultimately your outcomes.

4. They know and use their strengths
Understanding your personal strengths allows you to contribute meaningfully at work, at home, and in your community. It also fosters a deeper sense of purpose.

5. They accept life’s contradictions
Life is not always logical or fair. Resilient people adapt rather than resist. As Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.”

6. They communicate clearly and effectively
Strong communication builds connection. It helps establish boundaries, reduce conflict, and create supportive, respectful relationships.

7. They build and lean on supportive relationships
Resilience grows in connection. Acts of kindness, empathy, forgiveness, and asking for help all strengthen the social networks that sustain us.

8. They create meaning from adversity
Resilient people don’t just endure hardship—they learn from it. By accepting what cannot be changed and changing what can, they transform pain into growth and wisdom.

9. They take ownership of their lives
While we cannot control everything that happens, we can choose our responses. Taking responsibility fosters empowerment and opens the door to growth and possibility.

10. They don’t take themselves too seriously
Humor, optimism, and gratitude lighten life’s load. These qualities encourage risk-taking, improve well-being, and bring more joy into everyday living.

Final Thought: Resilience Is a Skill You Can Build

You may already see yourself as resilient—or you may not. Either way, resilience is not fixed. It can be strengthened over time through intentional habits and mindset shifts.

With practice, you can develop the grit, clarity, and connection that define highly resilient people—and become one of the individuals others look to and ask, “How did they do it?”

Too often we forget that none of us were born only to do. We are not our  relationship roles nor our job titles and descriptions.

At home, we are more than “the mother,” “the father,” wife, husband, daughter, or son. These are roles, not our essence. No matter our work, we need spaces in between for simply being with family, with friends, and especially with ourselves. At the beginning and the end of life, we are human BEings.

This truth is echoed in Psychology Today’s article: Seven Ways to Change from a Human Doing to a Human Being

The article highlights how easily we tie our worth to productivity—and how essential it is to turn toward valuing who we are, not just what we accomplish.

I remember asking my husband a self-esteem–building question:
“Why do you think I think you are wonderful?”

His reply?
“Because I provide a good income for our family.”

“Oh dear!” I thought. “He is so much more than the income he brings home. He lives his values of integrity, kindness, gentleness, and loyalty. That is who he is, not just what he does.”

Accomplishments alone do not create fulfillment or a sense of worth. When our value is tied only to what we achieve, it becomes much harder to recover from disappointment, mistakes, or loss.

The “You Are” Formula

A foundational way to value yourself—and others—is to remember:

You are, at the core, these qualities:

• Lovable and worthy simply for being on this planet. You deserve respect and to be valued, always.
• Capable, with strengths you can use and develop.
• Resilient, able to cope with life’s challenges.

This perspective aligns with the idea that being a human BEing means grounding your identity in inherent worth, not constant performance and outcomes.

Honouring the Human Being in Yourself and Others

In a humane world, we honour one another as human BEings first. Here are some ways we can deepen this perspective.

• Choose words of kindness, appreciation, and care.
• At work: When someone is facing divorce, illness, or grief, recognize the effort it took just to show up. Their capacity may be stretched and that’s human.
• At home: People flourish where there is comfort, attention, and care. Neglect erodes connection; appreciation builds it.
• Look beyond behavior: See the person behind it. Offer feedback with clarity, honesty, and kindness. As the Victorian author, Mary Ann Pietzker asked: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
• Address concerns respectfully: Whether at work or home, speak to behavior without diminishing the person.

The shift from “doing” to “BEing” invites us to see others not as roles or outputs, but as people with inner lives, struggles, and inherent dignity.

Build a Life That Includes BEing (Not Just Doing)

Intentionally step out of constant doing and productivity. You can begin by creating small, meaningful pauses for BEing.

Daily

• Share meals together—no screens.
• Ask reflective questions:
  • What was the highlight of your day?
  • What was challenging?
  • What did you learn?
  • How did you feel?
  • How do you feel?

Weekly

• Plan time for fun, connection, or reflection.
• Visit friends, spend time in nature, or engage in a spiritual practice.

Yearly

• Celebrate holidays and milestones with intention.
• Honour birthdays, anniversaries, and life transitions meaningfully.

At work

• Celebrate not just outcomes, but people.
• Include lightness—potlucks, shared laughter, even a goofy joke or two.

Conclusion

Shifting from human doing to human BEing is not about neglecting responsibility. It’s about returning to yourself and remembering your inherent worth.

If you truly embraced the idea that you, and those around you, are human BEings first, not human doings, what would you do differently tomorrow or this coming week?

Please check out these related posts:

How to Challenge Your ‘Not Good Enough’ Thoughts
How to Practice True Self-Compassion

In Bright-Sided, Barbara Ehrenreich explores a cultural belief: that positive thinking is not only beneficial, but essential for success, health, and happiness. Indeed, modern psychology and research support the idea that emotions like gratitude, contentment, and confidence can contribute to a longer life and improved well-being. People who feel uplifting and light emotions tend to be more socially connected, which protects against depression and its physical consequences.

But Ehrenreich asks some crucial questions. When does positivity become harmful? When does encouragement become denial? She respects hope and optimism, while argues against the relentless, often demanding voices telling us to stay positive, no matter the circumstances. She challenges the assumption that our thoughts alone can create a different reality, warning that this belief can distort perception, suppress authentic emotion, and can weaken both our individual and societal well-being.

Basic Concepts: Understanding Positive Thinking and Its Limits

Basically, positive thinking includes two aspects to flourish.

1. First, it is a belief system that declares circumstances are good or will improve. This is sometimes described as optimism, a belief that can be intentionally encouraged. This differs from hope, which is more emotional and not always under conscious control.
2. Second, positive thinking requires discipline, a deliberate effort to maintain an upbeat mindset. Many advocates claim this practice not only improves mood but also leads to better outcomes in life. The more rational explanation is that optimism enhances resilience, confidence, and persistence, making success more likely. Research within the Positive Psychology movement does affirm these outcomes.

However, Ehrenreich points out in Bright-Sided a more questionable belief: that thoughts directly influence reality. This law of attraction suggests that positive thoughts create positive outcomes, while negative thoughts bring harm. This idea, though popular, lacks scientific grounding and can lead to self-blame when circumstances cause loss, grief, illness or other hurt or harm.

Another key concern is the emotional cost. Maintaining constant positivity often requires suppressing legitimate feelings of fear, anger, or grief, which are normal human responses to difficulty. Rather than supporting resilience, this suppression can create isolation, guilt, and a distorted sense of being responsible. Circumstances most often are the source of poverty, injustice, barriers, privilege or lack of privilege, disclination and all the isms.

The Hidden Cost of “Thinking Positive” in Health and Illness

One of the most troubling outcomes of positive thinking appears in illness, particularly concerning cancer. Patients are often encouraged to stay positive or even see illness as a gift. While emotional support can improve quality of life, research has shown that attitude alone does not determine survival.

This pressure can invalidate real suffering. Patients may feel compelled to hide fear or anger to meet expectations of cheerfulness, which can increase emotional burden rather than relieve it. In some cases, those who fail to stay positive may even feel blamed for their illness.

Positive Thinking in Work, Wealth, and Society

Beyond health, the culture of positivity extends into workplaces, self-help industries, and even economic systems. Employees are often encouraged—or required—to maintain upbeat attitudes, even in the face of layoffs or instability. This shifts responsibility away from structural issues and onto individuals.

Motivational industries, from coaching to corporate training, reinforce the message that success depends primarily on mindset. While attitude matters, this perspective can overlook education, opportunity, and systemic barriers.

16 Bright-Sided Quotes

Here are quotations from Ehrenreich’s work:

1. “Positive feelings like gratitude and contentment can lengthen our lives… though some of these claims are exaggerated.”
2. “At many levels, individual and social, it is good to be positive—certainly better than being withdrawn or chronically sad.”
3. “Optimism is a cognitive stance… a conscious expectation that can be developed through practice.”
4. “Hope is an emotion… not entirely within our control.”
5. “Positive thinking is both a belief and a discipline—a deliberate effort to think in a certain way.”
6. “Expect things to get better and they will—this is the promise offered.”
7. “A far less rational theory… is that our thoughts can directly affect the physical world.
8. “It requires a constant effort to repress or block out unpleasant possibilities.”
9. “Positive thinking may be associated with success, but it is driven by a terrible insecurity.”
10. “Americans have trained themselves to dismiss disturbing news.”
11. “We cannot levitate ourselves into a blessed condition by wishing it.”
12. “The sugarcoating of cancer can exact a dreadful emotional cost. . . Encouraging patients to find benefits in illness can feel insensitive and minimizing.”
13. “Positive thinking is proposed as a cure for almost any problem.”
14. “The only barriers to success are said to lie within oneself.”
15. “Positive thinking became not just helpful, but an obligation.”
16. “The alternative is not despair—but a clearer, more realistic way of seeing.”

The Role of Reality: Beyond Positive vs. Negative Thinking

Ehrenreich’s message in Bright-Sided is not to reject positivity altogether, but to think beyond categories of positive versus negative. Both can be distortions. Excessive optimism ignores risks and realities, while excessive pessimism magnifies them.

The healthier alternative is realism, the ability to see the world as it is, with both its dangers and opportunities. This includes what psychologist Julie Norem calls “defensive pessimism”: anticipating potential problems to prepare effectively. This mindset is essential in many areas of life, from medicine to parenting to everyday decision-making.

Even in professional roles, realism is critical. As surgeon and writer Atul Gawande has noted, success often depends not on positive thinking, but on the willingness to anticipate failure and plan accordingly.

Conclusion:

Bright-Sided calls for a cultural shift. Positivity has its place. Ir can inspire, motivate, and connect us. But when smiling becomes compulsory, it silences truth and discourages critical thinking.

Life includes uncertainty, loss, and struggle. Denying these realities does not make them disappear. Instead, resilience comes from facing them honestly, seeking support, and taking meaningful action.

Rather than asking, “How can I think more positively?” a more useful question may be: “What is actually true, and how do I respond to it wisely?”

Somewhere between blind optimism and despair is clarity, courage, and resilience.

Please check out these related posts:

• Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman — Book Summary
• Positive Thinking: Did You Know It Can Go Sideways?

Ally Is a Verb: A Guide to Reconciliation with Indigenous People by Rose LeMay was recommended by a colleague who serves with me on the national board of the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. I’m glad I followed her suggestion. Even with experience working at the KE MAMA NNANIK program, when it was Canada’s first Indigenous family resource centre, and mentoring an Indigenous leader in professional speaking, I still had much to learn and reflect on.

Resilience of all people in Canada is important to me, including our Indigenous neighbours. To that end, I learned that allyship requires understanding Canada’s history of racism toward Indigenous peoples and which perspectives and actions respectfully support reconciliation. I also took comfort in realizing that while I still have much to learn, allyship does not require perfection, only a willingness to listen, learn, and act.

Overview of Ally is a Verb

LeMay addresses the question many non-Indigenous people ask: “How can I help?” when it comes to advancing truth and reconciliation. She offers clear education, guidance on respectful engagement, practical do’s and don’ts, concrete actions, and a hopeful path forward for Canadians seeking to build stronger relationships with Indigenous peoples.

Chapters

Putting Allyship into Action (introduction)

1. Reconciliation Starts with You (describes inequities faced by Indigenous people and the role of non-Indigenous people in addressing them)
2. Unpacking the Great Canadian Lie (explains the historical circumstances affecting Indigenous peoples and the need for Canadians to be informed and engaged in reconciliation)
3. Challenging Interpersonal Racism (encourages individuals to examine and change harmful beliefs and behaviours)
4. Challenging Institutional Racism (offers ideas for addressing systemic racism in workplaces and communities)
5. Lending Your Voice, Influence and Privilege (guides non-Indigenous people in practicing allyship)
6. Getting Uncomfortable about Discomfort (explores the challenges of choosing to be an ally)
7. Finding Hope and Vision (offers a framework for moving forward together)

Main Concepts

One: Become Informed

Research and learn. There are nearly 700 First Nations, Inuit, and Métis communities in Canada, each with histories shaped by colonization. Understanding this history and much more is an important step toward reconciliation. Here are several suggestions LeMay offers;

10 Ways to Become Informed and Engage:

1. Read or listen to survivor testimonies in The Survivors Speak: A Report of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada
2. Watch survivor stories from the Legacy of Hope Foundation.
3. Learn about healing and redress through the Canadian Geographic Indigenous Peoples Atlas of Canada 
4. Bring Indigenous-authored books into your book club or reading circle.
5. Attend local Indigenous events such as pow wows, cultural gatherings, or fundraisers.
6. Support Indigenous artists and businesses, and learn the cultural meaning of the items you purchase.
7. Learn the Indigenous territory where you live using Native Land Digital
   native-land.ca
8. Speak with other allies and share ideas for meaningful action.
9. Talk with children and youth about reconciliation, provide books by Indigenous authors, and ensure accurate history is being taught in schools.
10. Access Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada.

Two: The Truth of our Canadian History

Indigenous history in Canada is marked by colonization rooted in racist beliefs that justified the capture of Indigenous lands, the suppression of cultures, and policies such as the Indian Act and residential schools that removed children from their families and restricted basic rights. Even more they were not schools but places of child neglect, abuse, and death.

For generations, governments controlled Indigenous lives while portraying these actions as benevolent, leaving lasting and harmful wounds that continue to affect communities today. Modern reconciliation efforts seek to confront this history, address systemic inequities, and rebuild relationships based on truth, rights, and respect.

Three: All Canadians Need to Challenge Racism

In Ally is a Verb, LeMay defines interpersonal and institutional racism. Interpersonal racism occurs in everyday interactions when individuals express prejudice, unconscious privilege, stereotypes, or discriminatory behaviour toward others because of their identity. Institutional racism occurs when laws, policies, and systems, often within government, healthcare, policing, and workplaces, create unequal treatment for Indigenous peoples and other racialized communities. Le-May again gives guidance for action.

10 Ideas to Challenge Racism

1. Step in rather than remain a bystander when you witness racist behaviour or comments.
2. Slow the situation by calmly interrupting, for example: “I’m not sure what’s happening here. Can I help?”
3. Practice calling in rather than calling out Invite the person to reflect and do better rather than only confronting them publicly.
4. Focus on the impact of behaviour, not just the intent, and encourage accountability.
5. Challenge statements such as “I didn’t mean it” by reminding others that impact matters more than intention.
6. Question blame the victim excuses by asking what evidence supports those assumptions.
7. Stand beside and support the person experiencing racism to ensure their safety and dignity.
8. Educate yourself and others about ongoing inequities affecting Indigenous communities.
9. Encourage workplaces to include anti-racism commitments in codes of conduct, policies, and procedures.
10. Learn about nearby Indigenous communities, their history, services, and current challenges to deepen understanding and advocacy.

Foue: Using Our Voices and Influence for Reconciliation

Being an ally is not a title someone gives themselves, but a commitment demonstrated through learning, respect, and action. Using our influence means sharing the truth about Canada’s history and encouraging others to support reconciliation.

Credibility in allyship is earned through cultural humility, respectful relationships, learning about Indigenous experiences, and acting in ways that support Indigenous self-determination rather than speaking over Indigenous voices.

Reconciliation also means addressing ongoing inequities and closing the gap. It means reducing disparities between Indigenous and non-Indigenous peoples in areas such as health, education, and economic opportunity.

7 Ideas to Use Our Voices

1. Share accurate information about reconciliation with others.
2. Encourage your workplace to consider how policies or decisions affect Indigenous peoples.
3. Use respectful terminology and challenge stereotypes or misinformation.
4. Amplify Indigenous voices, ideas, and leadership rather than speaking for them.
5. Support Indigenous self-determination and community-led solutions.
6. Ask how decisions, funding, or policies could help close gaps in outcomes.
7. Encourage organizations to include reconciliation and anti-racism commitments in policies.

A 2025 CTV Interview with Rose LeMay (2.31min)

Quotes from Ally is a Verb

1. “We are doing reconciliation in Canada because of the criminal acts done to Indigenous people in the past, and to fix the systems that still don’t serve them well today.”
2. “The history that Canada tells itself leaves out the whole story about Indigenous people.”
3. “First Nations use the word “story” to mean testimony and knowledge.”
4. “Every time in history when one group of people forces another group of people to use their customs, beliefs, and values, we call it colonization. And that’s a bad thing. When it’s done by force and thousands of children die, it’s genocide.”
5. “Canada wouldn’t exist without the theft of Indigenous land and removal of Indigenous people’s rights.”
6. “The differences in health outcomes between Indigenous people and non-Indigenous Canadians are like those between Sudan and Canada.”
7. “Reconciliation is a societal change, and societal changes are brought about by regular people influencing others around them.”
8. “Racism is the disease that threatens the soul of reconciliation.”
9. “We are attempting to build community and society in which indigenous people belong.”
10. Allyship is skill, practice, and art, just like an athlete builds capacity for next-level sports.
11. “The necessary next step is to risk one’s own comfort to challenge those who disagree with reconciliation and the rights of Indigenous people.”
12. “Reconciliation is urgent. Practice hope, build up the team, show up for indigenous neighbors, friends, and networks. Practice infinite hope and do the work in your sphere of influence.”

Conclusion

If you are ready to learn, grow, and take courageous action to help move truth and reconciliation forward, please consider purchasing a copy of Ally is Verb. Canada’s next generation will benefit.

Please check out these related posts:

• Acceptance or Conviction: What to Do about Differing Beliefs
• Stress and Trauma: Understand the Difference in Meaning and Experience