1. Write down three new aspects of your life for which you feel grateful each day Positive Psychology research indicates this activity will significantly improve your optimism even 6 months later.

2. Spend 2 minutes a day writing a description of one positive experience you had over the past 24 hours. This exercise will help shift your thinking from task-based to meaning based; that is to scan your experiences for meaning instead of to-do’s. Anchor writes, “This dramatically increases work happiness.”

3. Exercise for 10 minutes a day. Exercise tells your brain that your behavior is important and can result in more successes through your day.

4. Meditate for 2 minutes–observe your breath go in and out. This will help you get out of the poor habit of multitasking. Anchors writes, “Research shows you get multiple tasks done faster if you do them one at a time. It also decreases stress.”

5. Write an email first thing in the morning thanking or encouraging someone in your circle. Anchor writes, “This significantly increases your feeling of social support which, in my study at Harvard, was the largest predictor of happiness.”

Almost two years ago my decision to attend the first World Congress of Positive Psychology in Philadelphia turned out to be one of my learning highlights.  Since then I’ve kept my eye on Positive Psychology findings and research that focuses on positivity, optimism and of course resilience.

Then recently I watched a TedTalk by Shawn Anchor. Shawn Anchor, a Harvard University and Positive Psychology researcher is the author of the book, The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work.

He challenges the I’ll-be-happy-when myth.  He proposes that success, including being accepted into your dream university, being hired for your dream job, finding your dream partner or buying your dream electronic or four-wheeled toy, does not lead to your happiness.

He found that many Harvard students thought they’d be happy if and when they got into this prestigious university.  But most students’ pleasure soon waned as they put in place higher expectations for reaching success. They soon told themselves that they would be happy once they graduated with stellar grades. After graduating, the next happiness goal would be their dream job. 

Based on Positive Psychology, Anchor encourages developing a positive perspective or attitude for increased creativity, engagement, vitality, productivity . . . and eventually authentic happiness or what I call “basic life satisfaction.”

In the August 23 2011 issue of Psychology Today, Anchor’s article 5 Ways to Turn Happiness Into An Advantage, was published.  In it he wrote, “Every single relationship, business and educational outcome improves when the brain is positive first. If you cultivate happiness while in the midst of your struggles, work, at school, while unemployed or single, you increase your chances of attaining all the goals you are pursuing…including happiness.”

Suggested Guidelines:

1.  Meet on a regular basis, at a specific time, for a specific length of time.  After Sunday Dinner works for many families.

2.  Utilize active listening and “I” message tools to encourage clear communication.

4.  Decide whether you want to keep minutes of your meetings.  An adult might chair the meeting while a child might keep minutes.  Trade responsibilities as the children learn note taking and chairing skills.

5.  Make clear commitments to one another.  State either I will or I won’t.

6.  Expect minimal involvement from family members five years of age and under.

Suggested Format:

1.  Share appreciations from the previous week.  Example:  “Thank you, Dad, for fixing my bicycle.” “Thank you, Johnny, for keeping your agreement to stay out of your sister’s room.”

2.  Evaluation of solutions used in the previous week.  Example:  “We kept paper, toys and stuff off the stair steps all week and I think we have kept our family safer.  I would like to recommend that we keep up this new habit.”

3   Problems identified (complaints) of the week.  Each person is allowed to identify one problem they want solved.  They take ownership that it is their problem.  Example:  “I have a problem.  I am not getting enough sleep.  After everyone else is in bed, I do kitchen clean up, pack school lunches, tidy the house and do the laundry.”

4.  Make a request.  Example:  “I want to do less of the household tasks and for you to do more.”

5.  Brainstorm optional solutions.  Example:  “I could tidy up after meals.  I could get a meal once a week.  We could do our own laundry.  We, kids, could make our own lunches.  We could all clean the house together on Saturdays.”

6.  Agree on your solution or solutions.  Example:  “Do we all agree that the children will make their own lunches and we will clean the house together Saturday mornings?”

7.       End with a family game, activity or snacking treat.

Give up looking for balance. Ride life’s teeter totter ups and downs as gracefully as possible.

 Here are some results from my research for From Woe to WOW: How Resilient Women Succeed at Work. While 28 survey respondents identified their biggest challenge as care-giving demands, another 13 specifically described their major woe or challenge with the term balance.  One worker wrote, “Keeping balance between work and play,” while a single parent reported, “Balancing working and raising my six kids alone.”  Some call it work life balance, others work family balance or work home balance. 

First, let’s eliminate the phrase work life because surely work is part of life and a significant part of it, for that matter. 

Secondly, balance may not be possible.  The demands of work and family are more like a teeter totter or a roller coaster where balance comes in some moments.  Perhaps the best we can do is aim to maintain some kind of internal stability in the middle of the storm.

Beverley Smith, the Canadian caregiver advocate, believes the problem lies partly in the question.  She views both employment and family responsibilities as work.  It is genuine work to listen to a troubled teen, to make a family meal, to care for your senior parents or to get up several times at night with a newborn.

Often care-giving jobs are those for which we did not apply.  Beverley notes, “We are all one phone call in the night from being caregivers.”  Since for some people care of the family is their career, perhaps women need to discuss the demands of paid work and unpaid work in the home and community.

Look at all your decisions holistically, including activities that nourish you physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, creatively and spiritually.  How about experimenting with backing off on a task or two to make time and space for some self-rejuvenation?  If you can financially afford to do so, pay for tasks that are a drag on you.  If you can’t afford that option, consider delegating tasks.  “Delegate!?” you may ask.

Bear with me.  I detect a groan and hear, “He (she, they) won’t do it like I want.  I have standards, you know.”  This is a very effective strategy for scaring away willing supporters.  When moms are over-responsible, they rob other family members of demonstrating their capabilities.  Parents do their children no favor by doing for them what children can do for themselves.  Sometimes, as women, our need to be needed overshadows our bodies’ and minds’ needs to have rest, relaxation, recreation and down time.  Fortunately, you can change your belief to a sane position of, “I appreciate your cooperation and it doesn’t have to be done perfectly.”

Families in which support, cooperation and fairness are exercised have less conflict and illness.  They put into action valuing their family relationships and teamwork.  Please don’t risk your health and your main support relationships over clean dirt, otherwise known as dust.

Another block to gaining family cooperation is using nagging and whining instead of invitation and negotiation.  Nagging can be replaced by WOW strategies of creating clear boundaries, assertiveness and easing conflict.  In addition, you could hold a Family Meeting.  Not only do family meetings provide an opportunity to share the household load, they create a cooperative framework for sharing feelings and ideas, for supporting wishes and goals, for problem solving, for making future family plans and for increasing the pleasure, harmony and fun in the family home.  For those involved in the care of aging parents, family meetings involving adult siblings can be an effective means to share the care.

The word, therapy, is used in reference to helping correct a range of physical, mental and emotional challenges.  Therapies include chemotherapy (dealing with cancer), medical therapy (dealing with physical illness), occupational therapy (dealing with physical limitations), speech therapy and psychotherapy (dealing with mental and/or emotional states). 

When the question surfaces, “How do you find a therapist?” it usually refers to someone struggling with daily living in which psychotherapy is often a good fit.  That person can choose from a range of supports, usually starting with a conversation with his or her family doctor.  From there the choices are many.

After years of my own therapy and then study, in 1984 I graduated with a Masters Degree in Clinical and Humanistic Psychology.  I was trained to be a psychotherapist.  Therapeutic counselors such as me, Psychologists and many Social Workers help people who struggle with mental and emotional pain. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who typically specialise in prescribing medications that help with psychiatric and mental health disorders.

 How do you choose the therapist you will hopefully trust to help sort out your past, present and future?   Here are some thoughts.

A client once told me that she experienced herself as doing the work of awakening her feelings, of exploring her past, more consciously making choices, and experimenting with new and healthier behaviors. At the same time, she described me as serving as a mirror for reflection and a light showing her hope and options for a better future. That’s the way the therapeutic relationship is best experienced.

The client is in charge of his or her life and the therapist provides support, empathy and invitations to create a new life story.

Be willing to do a search for the best therapist for YOU.  It is important for you to choose–not your mother, spouse, co-worker or friend. But do ask for recommendations from those same people and your family doctor.  For women, often rape crisis centres and women’s shelters have referral lists.

Many therapists will meet with you for an introductory visit or talk to you on the phone. Don’t shy away from asking questions:

•   How long have you been providing therapy?
•  Have you done therapy yourself?
•   What kind of training do you have?
•  Do you work with a feminist perspective? If “yes,” how do you describe that viewpoint? If not feminist, what perspective, do you have? Please explain.
•  Do you believe in the value of exploring clients’ family of origins; that is helping them discover what happened in childhood so they can understand who they are now and why they react the way they do?
•  May I call you at home if I am in crisis? If not, what will be the alternative? 
•  How much do you charge?

Therapy at its Best

When first seeing a therapist notice if you feel understood and supported to make the best decisions for YOU. Notice if you are treated as a unique human being.  Do you feel connected and safe? If yes, this is called the client-therapeutic alliance, which is important for dealing with any past trauma and pain.

Therapy can feel uncomfortable. Don’t judge your progress by the pain that comes up. This is better than festering inside.  Therapy is working if you begin to take better care of yourself, begin to recognize your problematic patterns, become more accepting of your feelings and begin to make better life choices. At some point you will feel independent and strong enough to end the therapeutic relationship.  A hug goodbye is often in order.

Warning: If a therapist wants to have a sexual relationship with you, leave.

I confess! Exercise has been one of my least favourite activities. I did it because I knew I’m healthier doing so. For six years I went to yoga classes. Then there was the morning walk up and down a nearby hill, followed by step classes, Pilates classes and aquacise.

Each commitment eventually waned and faded with lack of motivation and satisfaction. I looked for the “fit-high” I heard others report. Not for me! After exerting myself, all I wanted to do was nap.

In the meantime for years my hubby, Les, has taken 2 to 3 daily brisk walks, lifted weights and worked on a rowing machine. A couple months ago Les installed a screen with internet access in front of the rower. 

I began to row, row, row while I watched Ted Talks, approximately 20 minute presentations by thought leaders. Recently I’ve viewed the Neuroscientist, Jill Bolte Taylor’s, Stroke of Insight, Sheryl Wu Dunn on Our Century’s Greatest Injustice (the devaluing of girls worldwide) and the Life Coach guru, Tony Robbins’ When People Fail to Achieve their Goals. I look forward to me time so much I’ve added a few minutes of lifting weights after the rowing. I know describe my excercise regime as “satisfying.”  

The trick? Find some way to put “satisfying” in your exercise program.

Take the following quiz to help you with some proactive and protective steps.

Answer Yes or No to the following:

1. Are you free of anxiety, mood swings, tension headaches, fatigue, frequent colds, flu or insomnia? No__ Yes__
2. Are you free of the Super Mom or Perfect Mom trap and think of yourself as a Good Enough Mom? No__ Yes__
3. Are you available to your children in a supportive, relaxed, sometimes playful and loving manner? No__ Yes__
4. Do you delegate some household tasks to your partner and children? No__ Yes__
5. Do you have an attitude of “I appreciate an improvement” rather than insisting on tasks being accomplished to your standards? No__ Yes__
6. Do you hold family meetings where you enlist team participation of family members? No__ Yes__
7. Are you free of guilt when you see unhappy family members knowing that the only person you have control over is yourself? No__ Yes__
8. Do you say no to activities that needlessly take you away from personal, couple or family time? No__ Yes__
9. Are you aware that one of the biggest gifts you can give your family is your own well being as a healthy and assertive woman who both gives and receives? No__ Yes__
10. Do you take daily time to rejuvenate yourself so that you can be present to your family mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually? No__ Yes__

The more yeses you have, the better you are taking care of yourself first.  If your score is low, start to take the actions recommended in the above ten points.  Raise your score until you believe you are one of the best good enough moms on the block.

Sometimes our distorted definition of “mother” is “no time, space or care for me.”

“You now have the most important job a woman will ever do,” my mother told me after giving birth.  It’s important for us to embrace the trraditional feminine role of caregiver as a way to demonstrate our strengths and capabilities.

A 2006 report from salary.com excited many of us interested in the world of moms.  The grand conclusion was that mothers (typically with 2 children) would earn $131,471 US or $163, 855 Canadian a year if paid for the services rendered to their families.  Regrettably, we can easily lose ourselves and forget to care for ourselves in the middle of doing these services.  We can become overwhelmed, see few options and forget the answer to the question, “Who am I?”

Some of us have been called The Hurried Woman, the PMS Mom from H… and told by our teenagers to, “Chill out.”  A research finding from DalhousieUniversity inNova Scotia concludes that distress is taking its toll on Canadian women, especially mothers.

The researcher, Shelley Phipps, was quoted as saying, “Over half…51.2 percent of women aged 25 to 54 with full-time paid employment felt constantly under stress in comparison with 41.6 percent of men.”  And this figure continues to increase.  Add children and the fact that mothers still accept the majority of household responsibility, and what do you get?¾an out-of-functioning, often ill, woman, especially if she has negative perceptions of these demands.

Speaking of exhaustion, the Canadian Stress Institute found that women experience a larger percentage of stress than their male partners—52 percent compared to 45 percent, respectively.  That percentage increased to 58 percent for women who put in similar employment hours as their spouse.  Add to this data that mothers typically accept 70 percent responsibility for family and home duties.  How do they do this?  They back off on sleep.

1. If you feel offended, check out the other person’s intention before responding.
2. Name and address sexism, discrimination and negative stereotyping.
3. Avoid acting too modestly.  Show off your strengths, including those considered feminine or soft qualities.
4. Present your ideas in a confident manner.
5. Say, “I’m sorry,” only when you need to make amends.
6. Use but don’t over use self-deprecation.  It may be interpreted as incapable.
7. Ask directly for advice and what you need or want.  “Will you . . . ?”
8. Adopt a good natured attitude towards friendly competition.  Don’t tolerate mean-spirited competition.
9. Protect your emotions.  Take them to those who can calmly witness them.
10.  Celebrate your and others’ feminine and masculine qualities.

What if the world celebrated the gifts and resources of both men and women?

Most workplaces make demands of women to develop their masculine side in male-developed hierarchies. They are expected to think logically, set goals and participate in competitive situations. Deborah Tannen, a linguistics specialist and author of You Just Don’t Understand, examined the differing conversational styles of men and women. Here are some of her conclusions:

• Men prefer competition and attaining status in hierarchies by winning.
• Women prefer co-operation and support.

Consider the typical games boys and girls play—jump rope or dolls for girls and bad guys/good guys for the boys. Recall men’s put-down or sarcastic humor to maintain their one-up position while women giggle and accept a one-down position with “It was nothing,” or self-deprecation lines such as, “Silly me.”

• Men prefer independence.
• Women prefer relationships.

Consider the many marriage-seeking women and the commitment-phobic men.

• Men prefer giving and receiving advice for taking action, fixing or solving a problem.
• Women prefer giving and receiving emotional support.

Consider how men use the phone to arrange to do something while women will talk for hours to indicate friendship and care.

• Men prefer facts and information.
• Women prefer feelings and intuition.

Consider the guys at a party discussing the newest make of car while the women are commiserating over a bad hair day.

• Men prefer orders.
• Women prefer suggestions.

Consider men’s directive of, “We’re taking a break now,” to women’s hint-hint, “Let’s take a break,” or “Would you like to take a break?” desiring to be inclusive and hoping they will agree.

If these examples seem stereotypical, they are! Of course, there are exceptions to these generalizations. However, these socialization tendencies can help us understand and appreciate the other sex’s preferences. Rather than blaming the other sex for our misunderstandings, we can begin to appreciate their differences. For example, in Coping with the Male Ego, authors Grymes and Stantan explain:

Men are just beginning to learn how to compete with women. They have spent their lives competing with each other–learning to be aggressive, to take risks, to think and act logically, and to defend “the rules.” Mean know what to expect from other men. Competition is their relationships.

For example, men tend to view asking for help as acting vulnerable or being a loser. I witnessed this the day my husband tried to move a high-backed piano out of the house on his own. Why did Moses spend 40 years wandering in the desert? He didn’t want to act like a woman and ask for directions. Asking for directions is a one down position in which women tend to feel more comfortable. Alternatively, males typically respond well when asked for advice or help. He may even think, “Yes! I’m the winner!”

Men’s use of language often reflects this tendency to be in competition. The more forceful and coarser the language, the more power they assume. A survey respondent working in trades wrote of swearing by the male workers. “Men will be men and it doesn’t mean that a woman will make them speak properly.” Properly is politely, inclusively and sensitively; typically a woman’s preference. This is not to say that foul language should necessarily be tolerated and is definitely not appropriate in professional circles.

Women and men have their own reality. To repeat myself, women are inclined to place emphasis, focus and priority on relationships and the welfare of others. I recall the nights when our children were sick and required comforting and the bed sheets changed. My husband slept through the night. How long does it take to listen to a crying friend? A man may say, “5 minutes should do it.” Most women believe, “As long as she needs me to listen.” Consequently, clock time and women time differ.

Differences between men’s and women’s preferences will remain for at least another generation or two. Yet, it’s time to find ways to bridge the gap, to move towards the integration of the masculine and feminine qualities in us all.