Blogging is Still Honest

ugh

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Wed, 23 May 2012 03:28:00 +0000

as clarification, i just have a quite often-recurring feeling of wanting my life to be so drastically different in ways that are within my control but i'm too scared to take action, and i think that's a huge part of why i hate myself.

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Mon, 21 May 2012 02:51:00 +0000

So hey! I'm a few weeks into the 25th year of my life and the panic has subsided, for the most part.

Been reading lately that all these anti-depressants the world has bought into don't actually work -- that is, you don't feel that you're depressed, but you're still depressed. So I'm kinda glad I didn't cave and go get pills, heh! Stubbornness for the win. The downside is: well there's one more thing that won't fucking work.

I don't talk about depression from that standpoint all that much. In fact, I don't talk about being depressed that much in general to people I actually know in real life! I did recently, though. I told someone, and you know, we had a long talk and that was cool. The fear of being judged has been allayed slightly, but to say I feel better having told someone would be to lie. I feel the same, except now one more person knows this embarrassing thing about me.

I don't know. Since the big quarter century hit, I've been feeling more and more unstable, like little things start pissing me off more, and I have to struggle to keep the irritation at bay. The "nothing's wrong" act is something I talked to my friend about when we were having that chat, and my friend said basically I should stop it altogether. But why? If I actually acted how I feel on a daily basis, no one would want to be around me.

No one wants to be around a guy who absolutely loathes himself.

So yeah, I just keep going. I don't know if my brain is broken or if it's all situational/lifestyle stuff or what, but being this way is really starting to take its toll. I find if I keep busy, then I'm good. But you can't stay busy forever. It's just not possible. So yeah, I'll shut up now.

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 04:05:00 +0000

I'm 25! FUCK. FUCK FUCK! FUCK. FUCK. I don't want to be 25. I didn't even want to be 24! Why does aging have to happen? This is my first birthday where I've been kinda... Bummed. Every other one has been pretty great, but... I feel empty again. I feel like at 25 there should be a lot more to me than the way I am. So in order to stave off depression I'm sticking with the tried and true method of keeping myself incredibly busy and not giving myself time to think about anything like that. #irony ugh. just, dammit.

ugh

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 03:35:00 +0000

What the fuck is wrong with me.

2x Marchblog

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 02:32:00 +0000

Second blog for the month of March! Nonsequitur time.

So it's been 22 days since my last entry and well. Not much has changed.

Saw my follower count. Unsure why I do this!

My brother's out in the middle of the ocean on a destroyer. His wife and daughters are at home. Apparently there's one more on the way.

I've got a Mega Millions Ticket that is just SCREAMING jackpot.

I think a career in music would be nice. I mean as a musician.

Beef jerky is really hit or miss. Some brands are awesome, others are awful. This might be one of the few times I should just find something I like and stick with it.

I'm thinking again of how I can blog about music while still keeping this as anonymous as possible. That's kind of the problem. How are you supposed to talk about the things about which you are passionate without giving yourself up? RRGH.

I wonder if there's some sort of psychological analysis for the fact that I don't have any pencils in my entire house; just pens.

Weiiiird.

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 04:06:00 +0000

I don't feel the need to blog so much anymore 'cause I'm kinda happy with how my life's going. Isn't that something.

My job is okay. I was on a scrum team (Scrum.org!!!) for a while but I got replaced (I'm a contractor, they wanted a full timer on the team so, like, when my contract is up the knowledge doesn't just up and leave). So now I'm at the same company, just... Off in Waterfall world. I am reminded of a TLC song. Maybe I should make a stupid fucking parody video and give it to my company to use for marketing.

Doooon't gooooo uuuuusin' waterfall/Cause if you do you're gonna get stuck in an endless swamp of documentation that no one's ever going to read and bogged down in irrelevant processes that were come up with in the days of FORTRAN programming

maybe need to work on that second line

Y'know. I'm 25, almost. I have a strong feeling that my 25th birthday is going to bring about a steady stream of crisis and self-analysis. So, yeah. Blogging ahoy.

Spoiler alert: it's probably gonna get back to being depressing

Oh hey remember when I wanted to make this blog about music?

DUDE

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 06:51:00 +0000

SUP

I was on vacation for a while so I didn't blog. I could have but I didn't have anything to blog about.

And I still don't have anything to blog about so bye! :D

Drink deeply the illusion of your safety.

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 04:04:00 +0000

My, how wishful thoughts inebriate.

Hey.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I'm Not All That Content right now. Which, I'm like, okay, that's fine, right? I mean most people aren't. Right?

The problem is, that thought is WAYYYY more depressing than whatever first world problem I'm having at the moment (I'm out of shaving cream SURELY IT IS THE END TIMES). So that bit of comfort just spirals into even worse feelings of self-loathing. And it's the kind of self-hatred that, I think, stems from being a species that is filled with lunatics, scumbags, and other wonderful types that seem infinitely adverse to being a positive force. I think.

But really, it has come to that point. Small things are starting to set me off. Someone makes a remark about how I look good with a little stubble on my face and I am filled quite immediately with intense, burning resentment. No matter how convinced I am that it was a legitimate, honest compliment, it was probably a passive-aggressive jab, what you don't think I'm capable of hygiene, well fuck you, you fake blonde bitch, go get another spray tan, your orange is fading.

I even got a really really really good review at work but I can't help but have this nagging feeling that it's nothing but ageist condescension coming from someone over 30 years my senior.

And the worst part is, it's not like I don't know that I'm the problem! GI Joe told my brother that knowing is half the battle and then my brother told me that but you know what? The other half of the battle is kicking my ass.

AGH Why am I such a whiner?!

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 04:07:00 +0000

loud fucking music

How to be a coward, presented by Blogger

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 05:16:00 +0000

What the fuck am I doing?

Self-Image

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 03:23:00 +0000

I think I have some sort of weird thing where I don't necessarily have a bad self-image, just an inconsistent one. And it kind of all gets rounded up into my shitty self-esteem, and it ends up being the reason why it comes and goes in waves.

I'm watching Bad Religion's live DVD right now and I'm watching the interviews in between the songs... And I find myself nodding and smiling and feeling connections to what they're saying.

Then I realize, what the fuck dude? You don't relate to this! You grew up and had friends and you weren't an outcast, as much as you wanted to be. Some sort of glamor and self-satisfaction with overcoming something that I never actually had to overcome.

I want to create some sort of me-against-the-world scenario that I've lived through and conquered because then it maybe makes me feel better about myself. Then I realize -- hey, none of that is real. You aren't shit and you haven't done shit. Just live your normal fucking boring life and stop making shit up to make it more exciting you worthless asshole.

So I don't know, it's maybe good that I'm figuring this out but it doesn't seem like there's much of a solution. Sometimes I think I'm lucky to be sane enough to realize that ending it doesn't mean I get to start over.

Shaving Is A Hassle

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 00:55:00 +0000

I'd rather not shave. I was thinking of doing a thing for No-Shave November, but I was like 'nah' instead.

So yeah. I'm running into that old problem I keep running into -- I'm out of things to blog about. I don't want to make post after post about how I'm a pathetic loser, but it's kind of telling that that's the only thing I can think to blog about!

Maybe I should be more open. Maybe I should make this a more public blog. But I can't stomach the thought of sharing weakness with people I know in real life.

I have something wrong with me.

Ugh. Whatever, just keeping the blogmentum up.

O, the Sorrows of the Privileged

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 04:14:00 +0000

- Got my Sega Genesis back from my grandma
- Out of power outlets
-

Live Music

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 07:10:00 +0000

Live music is good.

Decided I'd better not spend another night by myself in my house and I couldn't get anyone to come with me, so I just drove an hour to see a band I like. I went by myself and it was a tiny show, I think only 15 people were in teh building, including band members, at any given time. But the venue was cool, the bands that I saw were really good, and I walked out of there feeling like my music hobby could get some traction.

Countdown to me fucking this up begins... RIGHTNOW

tap. tap. echo.

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 06:54:00 +0000

hey.

Not feeling so great. Gonna give this another try.

Lately I feel less like a human and more like a burden, or a tumor, waiting to be discarded or extracted. I don't believe in myself, I don't believe that anyone believes in me, or trusts me, or, outside of family, thinks of me as more than an expendable distraction.

My life is boring and I'm content and I've given up. I fucked up my one shot at living, and it's too late to take it back. So now what?

Football is what. Football and loud fucking music and fifths of bourbon whiskey and trying to forget how much I can't fucking stand myself. Or at least distract myself with other things so I don't have to think about it too much.

so yeah i'm blogging again. got a new job. it's okay.

headslam

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 01:41:00 +0000

http://techcrunch.com/2010/04/05/facebooks-ipad-impostor-facebook-ultimate-removed-from-the-app-store/

OK, app store and legal bullshit aside

YOU AHVE A BIG SCREEN NOW

FUCKING USE THE GODDAMN BROWSER YOU MONEYWASTING DUMBFUCKS I HOPE YOU CHOKE

Hhhhhhokay

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 01:07:00 +0000

So I already burned myself out on blogging again. That's kind of sad.

Hm.

So I'm looking for a laptop computer once I get my homebuyer's tax credit. The requirements are that it must be able to hook up to a professional soundboard with no problems, and it must not skip when it's playing audio, EVER. Also it has to keep cool in warm rooms under hot stage lights. I am fully prepared to have external cooling to this end.

Durability would be nice, too. The plan is I want to play gigs with it. That would be... Exciting. :D

Uuuuhm. Anyway.

Catch U Up

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 02:21:00 +0000

So I figure it's pretty rude to just come here and start blumping (dumping, except on a blog) all my problems on you without catching you up to what's going on in my life.

So! Since October I've bought a house, got a new job, moved into the house, joined a gym, and got a trainer... In that order.

The house is a pretty great starter home -- I might post some pictures later on.

So! The job thing. I know some of you might be curious since my job was the source of a lot of angst for me earlier! Well I was just getting home from work one day and logged on to my email to find that a job that I had applied for back when I was just graduating emailed me about my resume and wanted me to come in for an interview. I wasn't even actively looking for a job at the time! So needless to say, when a company comes and gets YOU... You give them the time of day.

Not. A. Mistake.

I love my new job. I'm a technology consultant... Well, I'm kind of just a developer-on-loan right now, but the point is I'm on a contract and my parent company is absolutely wonderful. Lots of free training sessions, lots of support for certifications... They're a certified partner of both Microsoft and Adobe! And their business is growing like baby Shaq.

Maybe I'll post more about my job later as things happen.

So, the gym thing! Yeah, I signed up for a gym membership because I am out of shape. I weighed myself when I went in and I'd actually crested over 200 pounds... Aaaaaand this is coming from a dude who used to be flat out wiry as a kid, so it was kind of a big deal for me. So I bought in! Got a gym membership, got a trainer, feeling good about myself (except for when I work out too hard and end up vomiting, quite publicly, in the public restroom that is public!), and most of all, other people have said that they're noticing a difference! ... I don't notice anything different, but they're noticing a difference and it's not what I think, it's what everyone else thinks! :D

Hm. I might end this post right now because it's getting kind of lengthy. I don't want to shoot my blogwad all at once, you know?

Responding to a comment I got on my last post, though...

Alright, so what I mean by 'completely sold out' is that I fancied myself a rebellious little bratty motherfucker growing up. I don't know why I was so surprised when it happened, but it turns out if you go to college and get a degree you should probably get a job afterwards and for some reason I haven't quite come to terms with being an "adult" quite yet. I mean, I'm responsible, I pay my bills on time, I take care of my belongings...

But man, as happy as I am with my life and where I've taken it in the face of all opposition, it's tough to swallow that I'm working eight to five in an office. No, I don't know where the fuck else I should be. On the road in a van with my fake band playing to ten people a night in dive bars across the country? Maybe I'm caught up in that romantic American traveler/wanderer role idolatry, but damn, even though it's a hell of a lot less profitable, it sounds a lot more free, doesn't it?

Instead of screaming my lungs out for food and gas money, I'm pumping out software for... Insurance. Taxes. Debt. Instead of standing up for the ideals I was so damn sure of... Well, there you have it. "Was" so sure of.

So I sold out. Go ahead, call me what I am, but this isn't exactly easy for me.

Hey... LTNB

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 03:38:00 +0000

Dear mother, this is just survival.

As for the title... That's "Long Time No Blog" if you were blogdering. That's "wondering" about blogs.

When I started this blog, it was for a reason. In October of 2009, I figured out that the blogging wasn't helping with that reason that I started the blog. My blogreason, if you will.

So now I'm looking for a new blogreason. I'm blogging without one right now, so that's kind of intense, right? I'm going fucking maverick all over this bitch. Rebel without a blause(blog cause, try to keep up).

so maybe it'll be about living on my own and trying to find an identity now that i've completely sold out

Go! Go! Power Rangers!

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:05:00 +0000

Alright, so I set up a purevolume for my music. It is like, here:

http://www.purevolume.com/Elterago

I already got a song put up and everything. Are you impressed? I need more followers.

I'm all aloooooooone

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 16:48:00 +0000

There's no one heeeeeeere besiiiiiiide meeeeeeee

OK so my parents went on a cruise and I have the house to myself. I was gonna have a big party but apparently the amazing timing of this whole deal means nobody can come so I basically was bored shitless last night.

Now I gotta go to a wedding an hour away where there will be like... 3 people I know. That's at 6. What's the over-under on me getting tired of crap and leaving by 8?

Good decisions that make you feel good

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:44:00 +0000

http://espn.go.com/blog/afcnorth/post?id=4276

HALLELUJAH, PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE PIGSKIN

One Freaking Job And You Can't Do It

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 00:24:00 +0000

Okay so I'm almost never in favor of someone losing their job, honestly I'm not.

But if someone is just plain incompetent, and I mean can NOT do their job on a consistent basis or at all, then I'm sorry, that person needs to go.

That brings me to the question... Who sucks more? The St. Louis Rams or Cincinnati Bengals long snapper Brad St. Louis?

Honestly, he gets paid a couple hundred thousand dollars a year to do ONE THING on a football field. It's the only thing he practices, it's the only thing he does on the team, he can't get distracted by other duties... He just snaps the ball behind him and gets in the way of someone who's trying to run past him. And he can't do his one simple thing that at least 31 other people in the league can do on a consistent basis. There has GOT to be a long snapper that's out of work! Or hell, maybe one of our tackles or centers can fill in. It'll free up a roster spot and we can go pick up DeDe Dorsey (oh wait he's busy running over people as maybe the most talented player in the new UFL. I should check that out sometime, I think I get the Versus network on dish)!

If he's not gone by next week then I suggest Cincinnati holds a public, open tryout. We could even make a reality TV show out of it... Long Snapper Idol. So You Think You Can Long Snap. Whatever. But we pay taxes to fund the Cincinnati Bengals football stadium which houses our home team, and as such we should have certain expectations of the product they put on that field. One of these days an errant snap is going to cost the Bengals a game, and in today's league winning is money. The more you win, the easier it is to market the team as a product, and the more money you can make. It's as simple as that.

So Brad St. Louis, I wish you luck in your future no matter what you do. Go start a public speech campaign as a living example of why college athletes should finish their degrees before going pro.

That having been said... Who-Dey! 3-0 in the AFC North. Who'd've thunk it?

zuuuuuune

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 04:28:00 +0000

hahah i'm typing this from my zune hd. totally sweeeeeeeeeeet.

We had a deal.

noreply@blogger.com (Geoff Elterago) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:08:00 +0000

I move in, you quit nagging.

We had a deal, mother. And you broke it so predictably.

I need to get a place. Fast.