BloggingDangerously

CRAZY: Torn Between the Person I Am and the Person I Want to Be...

2012-02-27T09:00:00-05:00

I'd like to think that if I lived back in the time of the American Revolution I would have been a Patriot.

I'd like to think that if I lived back in the time of the suffragettes, that I would have been a champion for women.

Because, OBVIOUSLY.

Well, it's obvious now.

But the truth is that I've never been a radical.

I've never even been much of a complainer.

This makes me feel, sadly, that I would have been neither a Patriot nor a suffragette.

And yet I live an unconventional life. I work, my husband stays home. I write about vibrators (albeit anonymously.) So maybe there is a bit of a rebel in me after all?

"What the hell are you talking about?" you're asking...

I quit my previous job a year and a half ago. My previous company had once been a lucrative place to work but times had changed and every year they laid off more people and paid the remaining people less until the only people left were good people who should have quit years ago but stayed because of some achilles heel. Some of the people were working mothers who needed the flexibility of the job. Some were people who were too close to retirement (and a pension) to leave. I was in the midst of having four children.

Every year we were told that the following year was going to be OUR YEAR and that we would all make a lot of money. And every year I believed them - that's the optimist in me - until something happened and we all had to adjust our quota upward until we came in just under where we were the year before. And then in November they would lay off two people and we would go into the new year thankful that we were not one of the ones who were laid off and happy to pick up their workload and add it to our own.

And I was one of those happy people.

Until I wasn't.

Don't get me wrong, I knew for YEARS that it was miserable, but just when my youngest turned 1 and I could stop carrying the Medela Pump in Style to interviews, the stock market CRASHED and I felt lucky just to HAVE a job. But then the economy got marginally better and my company pulled an enormous bait and switch on us and laid off people and told us we should be "happy they kept us," and essentially scolded us for not being thrilled to lift that barge and tote that bale.

So I got a fabulous new job and I quit. And I swore that I would never again let someone make me feel like I was "lucky that they kept me."

My new job was hard. And there were times that I regretted giving up the stability of the old job for the HOPE of the new job. But let me tell you, HOPE always trumps stability if you're worth your salt.

For the first 8 months on the job I struggled, but then something clicked and I started hitting my quota month after month after month. I was on track to turn that HOPE into a wonderful new future for my family.

And then my new company got acquired. Not by my old company, but by their number one competitor. If my old company was Coke, we're being acquired by Pepsi. If my old company was McDonald's, we're being acquired by Burger King. If my old company was Ford, we're being acquired by Chevy.

Do you get it? The new company, they're EXACTLY the same - but not quite as good.

Everyone is talking about how GREAT it's going to be, but I want to vomit because I see the changes that they're making and I know where they lead... to a place where my recent dreams of building a house where all of my children have their own rooms is a fairy tale and I'm quietly hoping that it doesn't snow next winter because lift tickets are SO EXPENSIVE and why should the kids learn to ski anyway?

And yet I find myself praying that it won't be as bad as I know it will because I DO NOT want to get another job because this one was just starting to be SO WONDERFUL. And even though I know that that reality has changed, I'd really like to avoid doing something knee-jerk like quitting because that seems so RADICAL.

Which we've already established that I'm not.

(but would like to think I am - in hindsight.)

Everyone's favorite patriot, Patrick Henry said:

It is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren, till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those who, having eyes, see not, and having ears, hear not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal salvation? For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst and provide for it.

Which I suppose means that I should stop blogging and go do my resume.

Thanks for reading and for being here. You have made me realize that I'm better than my employers would have me believe. And THAT has made all the difference.

Thing I Learned Running in NYC

2012-02-24T09:00:00-05:00

Yes, I ran yesterday. But only because I promised you that I would.

And for the record, when my alarm went off at 6:30, I cursed you.

And again at 6:39, 6:48 and 6:57. And then I got up.

Because you can't see a city better than you can while running.

When you're running you cover so much ground and you can actually feel the pulse of the city as the traffic ebbs and flows.

And yet, you're so much more connected than you would be in a car.

Here are a bunch of things I learned yesterday, running through New York City...

There are a lot of people in suits already walking around at 7:15am
Frederick Law Olmstead brought a lot of joy to our cities.
People in NY are vigilant. Men in Boston are not aware of their surroundings, Men in NYC are.
Directionally Challenged people like myself would benefit from living in a city on a grid system.
While Central Park is GREAT. Given the choice between running in the part and running along the water, I will always choose the water.
You New Yorkers need to smile more. Everytime I smiled at someone or said, "Good morning" it was like the recipient had been given a gift.
I couldn't hear my ipod over the sounds of the city until I got to Central Park.
Central Park is hillier than you'd think.
Traffic lights kill your pace.
But you run sprints in the city trying to hit the lights.
In NY the walk signal is LAW. Unless you want to die.
Avenue of the Americas is incredibly impressive.
I will never own an animal whose poop I have to pick up.
DH better never become incontinent.

Also, THANK YOU to everyone who commented yesterday and said that they believed that I would run. I don't know if I ran because you believed in me, or if you believe in me because I ran but your confidence in me makes me stronger.

Thank you for that.

Dig If You Will A Picture...

2012-02-23T09:00:00-05:00

This is a picture that I took today as I drove down the Henry Hudson Parkway on Manhattan's West side. It was 60 degrees and gorgeous.

New York was as wonderful as I expected. There is an energy to the city that you don't feel anywhere else. I checked into my hotel, had a glass of wine, ate dinner and then walked to Times Square. It was alive and electric and beautiful.

I thought about exploring further but wasn't sure where to do and then realize that I haven't run in days and I really need to do that, so I came back to the hotel and once I'm finished with this post I'm crashing hard and getting up at 6 to run to Central Park. At least that's the plan.

Also, I left forgot Siri at home so, ARGH.

I was supposed to run a marathon in NYC once but I sprained my ankle playing rugby (all of this is true) and had to cancel so I've never run through Central Park. If I can get up and out by 6:30 tomorrow I should be able to do 5 miles before my meetings.

I will tell you all about it tomorrow.

P.S. In an attempt to bring some accountability to my ambition, I've started a photography group on Facebook. The basic idea is to remind ourselves to take pictures every day. I am 100% only using my iphone for this challenge so we're not talking about aperture and shutter speed, we're talking about remembering to see the world as art and snapping the photo when you see a special frame. Just to clear the cobwebs I've been using @fatmumslim's photo challenge for inspiration and invite you to join too and post your photos.