Bloggy Bloggsenpflug

The Bob Goes Tweet

2011-03-09T11:41:00.001-08:00

I never thought I would say this but I just opened a Twitter account. I managed to stay away from Facebook all these years but the Twitter people got to me. I'm told it's a great place to keep people up to date with what's on my mind and my whereabouts. Being such a private person, Twitter just sounds like the perfect fit for me. If you would like to follow me my username is @BHasenpflug. I'm still not sure exactly how Twitter works but if you need my full name to find me, you're going to have to search for Hasenpflug Smith. For some reason that's what I typed in the box that said, "Enter your real name, so people you know can recognize you."

Some celebrities I look forward to following on Twitter include Conan O'Brien, Norm MacDonald and Tweety Bird. I would love to be updated every time Tweety thinks he sees a Puddy Tat. I'll probably also follow Sylvester the Cat so I can give Tweety a heads up every once in awhile, not that he'll need it. He's always one step ahead of Sylvester.

What attracts me to Twitter the most is the spontaneity of it all. You can say whatever is on your mind to as many people as possible before even thinking twice about it. A single regrettable statement can be immortalized on the web, potentially resulting in some fun irreversible consequences. To get myself warmed up for the spontaneity of Twitter, I've decided to give icebakes.com subscribers a special sneak peek at my first fifteen tweets...

Well its good to know I have 340 characters to express myself here. Not really sure how to get started except for saying that I am very very
It turns out I only get 140 characters. It's going to be difficult to get my point across in so few words. Tune in next time.
How about homogenized milk? I don't like to drink it but damn does it ever make a fine pudding.
I had Smitty's pancakes and I wasn't impressed. The outside was so hard that the syrup couldn't permeate them. Dry flapjacks = sad Bobby.
Apples and oranges are actually quite similar. Maybe the saying should be something like “You're comparing apples and cement trucks.”
I know they say that two wrongs don't make a right. But one wrong doesn't make a right either, so what the hell huh?
Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm
I would like to ask the people who left a foot high pile of garbage in the bus shack to kindly return my goat.
For years I was an amateur crastinator. I've recently turned pro.
I'm certainly no expert on the matter, but in my experience some types of tape are more adhesive than others.
I was sad because I was only able to finish 2 of the 3 sudokos. My pal Meat Loaf told me it was nothing to shake a stick at. I felt better.
Nothing cures a hangover quite like apple juice and Babycakes.
Remember when Prince said he didn't want to be called Prince anymore? I wonder if he stopped performing the song “My Name is Prince.”
It breaks my heart to say it but maybe Teen Wolf Too wasn't necessary after all.
Whatever happened to Milli Vanilli? I always thought they were very talented.

Merry Belated Christmas and Happy This Year!

2011-01-26T17:42:00.000-08:00

This past Christmas had one thing in common with every other Christmas -- I didn't get the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier. However, unwrapping a G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier at this point in my life wouldn't provide the same level of excitement as it might have when I was seven. These days I would probably even be slightly disappointed if I got one. Hard to believe, I know. Why has my level of appreciation for this toy changed so drastically over the years, you ask? It's difficult to say. To help get to the bottom of this mystery I've done some brainstorming:

Features I look for in a gift today...

40% alcohol
Sugar, cocoa butter, full cream milk powder, cocoa liquor, lecithin, vanilla and cocoa
Bonus materials including Director's commentary
100% cotton, made in China/Bangladesh
Anything to do with that misfit elf who wishes he was a dentist from the Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer movie. I think his name is Hermey.

Features I looked for in a gift when I was seven...

Starboard bow sponson
Graphite composite arrestor hook
Phased array targeting randome
Missile box with rotation servo system
Low tow tractor with high torque transaxle
76 mm rapid fire blaster anti-ship gun

Well that explains it. I should mention that although I wanted the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier pretty bad when I was a kid, I'm not sure if I ever even asked Santa for it. My parents must have convinced me that Santa's elves did shotty work if a particular toy had a retail value of $89.99 or more. Asking for Snake Mountain was the safer bet.

Who knows? Maybe one day I'll want the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier again but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I don't have much use for anything with a Phased array targeting randome at the moment. For now, chocolate and booze remain at the top of my list.

Exercise is the Second Best Medicine

2010-09-07T18:48:00.000-07:00

As my belly gets rounder, the more important it is for me to get regular exercise. I bought a stationary bike a few months ago but had a difficult time getting into a routine of riding it every day. Unfortunately for me, pedalling in the same spot for a half hour just isn't as fun as eating cake and ice cream.

I needed to find an activity that I enjoyed doing or there was no way I was going to stick to it. Tennis always looked like great exercise and a lot of fun at the same time so I decided to give it a try. I figured that running around a tennis court, swinging a racquet and repeatedly missing the ball would make me feel good. Exercise is, after all, the second best medicine. I headed over to Canadian Tire and picked out the cheapest tennis racquet they had, thinking I wouldn’t need an expensive racquet to miss the ball. I'd be able to miss the ball just fine with a cheap one.

It turns out that tennis is incredibly addictive, like any good medicine should be. I'm not very good but it's so much fun that I don’t want to stop playing no matter how tired I feel. That's either going to get me in shape or give me my first heart attack. We'll just have to wait and see. I’m hoping that if I play regularly I’ll get tennis elbow in no time, which should give me the edge I need.

The only problem with my new tennis addiction is that for some reason, whenever I finish playing, I’m left with an intense craving for Beep. Remember Beep? Of course you do. Nobody can forget the tastiest, most refreshing fruit beverage of all time. Beep is the best medicine, hands down. Laughter is up there too. It was certainly an effective substitute for the H1N1 vaccine, but it’s no Beep. I remember staying home sick from school when I was around six or seven years old, and all I needed to do was drink Beep and play with my He-man toys in order to be feeling as good as new by the next morning. I think my mom suspected that I was pretending to be sick just so I could drink Beep and play He-man all day, and I find that incredibly insulting. Maybe she didn't find my quick turnaround very believable but she was obviously unaware of Beep's powerful medicinal properties.

I did some research and found an official list of the top ten best medicines:

Beep
Exercise
Laughter
Morphine
Whiskey
Tylenol 3*
Penicillin
Erythromycin
Caffeine
He-man toys

*It should be noted that Tylenol 3 jumps up to the #4 spot when mixed with whiskey.

Unfortunately for me, I can’t find Beep anywhere. How can I continue playing tennis if there’s no way to satisfy my Beep cravings that immediately follow every match? My hands are tied here. I think Beep went into hiding around the same time that other fruit drinks started to brag about their high percentage of real fruit juice. I’m looking at you Tropicana and Minute Maid. But if that's the case then Sunny Delight should have disappeared too. I guess ol' Sunny D has no shame at all. Not only is it bad for you, it also tastes like poison. At least Beep tastes delicious. I do not understand Sunny D’s popularity at all. It happens to rank quite high on the official list of worst medicines, along with Salmonella, Nickelback and microwaved french fries.

Beep's return is long overdue. It deserves a spot alongside the other fruit juices. Come back Beep, I have some tennis to play...

Know Your Cereal part 2: Knowing Your Cereal

2010-02-11T18:30:00.000-08:00

That’s right everyone, you’ve guessed it. It's quiz time again. Cereal is fun and delicious but it should also be taken very seriously. If you don’t perform well on this test it's time for you to take a good long look in the mirror and decide what it is you want to do with your life.

The answers can be found at the bottom of the page. All you have to do is pick up your monitor and hold it upside down to read them.

Tony the Tiger has whored his name out to many cereals over the last 50 years. Which of the following is a Tony the Tiger endorsed cereal?
1. Tony’s Soccer Ball Squares
2. Tony's Crunchy Quadrilaterals
3. Tony's Sugar Hoops
4. Tiger Power Cereal
5. Tiger-licious Dodecagons

Which of the following is a flavour of Quaker Oatmeal?
1. Maple and Brown Sugar
2. Peaches and Homogenized Milk
3. Portage and Main
4. Jan and Dean
5. Helicopters and Kitchens
How many scoops of raisins does Kellogg’s claim to put in every box of Raisin Bran?
1. 3 scoops
2. Several scoops
3. 2 x 7 - 17 + (14 / 2) scoops
4. 3.5 + [2 + 5 / (6 / 3) - 5] scoops
5. (7 - 2 x 2) + 6 / 2 - (6 - 2) scoops
Surprisingly enough, all but one of these cereals actually existed at some point. Which one did not?
1. Cocoa Hoots
2. Corny Snaps
3. Toasty Corn Hoops
4. Puffa Puffa Rice
5. Crunchy Loggs
6. Crunchy Nuggets
7. Banana Wackies
This is the question where I get to make up funny names. Which of these is an actual cereal mascot?
1. The “Don't touch my Shreddies or you know what happens” Cobra
2. Rob Pancakes
3. Stu the Kangaroo
4. Buffy Bacon Jones
5. Tusk the Elephant
6. Tommy Hoop Corn
7. Bob, the Sugar Crisp Bandit
Which of the following was a popular 1980’s cereal?
1. Back to the Future Puffs
2. Huey Lewis' Hip to be Squares
3. Molly Ringwald Crunch
4. All of the above
5. None of the above
In the movie Back to the Future, what is the name of Marty McFly’s band?
1. The Pinheads
2. The Flux Capacitors
3. Cheerios
4. Metallica
5. JHC and the Mangers
What does Marty keep saying that leads Doc to believe there is a problem with the Earth’s gravitational pull in the future?
1. “This is a weighty situation.”
2. "This is heavy."
3. "I have to tell you, Doc...in the future there is a serious problem with the Earth's gravitational pull."
4. "Doc, can you please pass the Corn Flakes?"

Biff often says, “Make like a tree and. . ."
1. Leave
2. Get outta here
3. Grow tall and strong
4. Convert carbon dioxide into oxygen
5. Look aesthetically pleasing
6. Provide some shade for that gentleman who's enjoying a bowl of Honeycomb

At the end of the movie, when Marty is travelling back to 1985, he decides he should arrive earlier than he originally left in order to warn Doc that the Libyan terrorists were coming to kill him. Why does he only give himself ten minutes?
1. He has a learning disability
2. He accidently punches in 10 minutes instead of 10 hours
3. He subconsciously wants Doc to die
4. I'm not sure what the reason is, but I know it has something to do with cereal because this is a cereal quiz
5. It's just a movie, Bobby

Are You There Santa? It's Me, Robert.

2010-01-04T20:47:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to believe that Christmas is already less than a year away. Where does the time go? I hate to admit it but now that I’m 31 years old I’ve started to have doubts that Santa Claus really exists. I know I can’t be the only one. Can a single jolly fat man really make it to everybody’s house in time for Christmas morning? It seems more like a job for at least 60 jolly fat men and even that is pushing it. I’m sure Santa uses a sophisticated time zone strategy but either way it’s difficult to wrap my head around. I have read that he would need to travel 3000 times the speed of sound in order to get the job done in time and that’s assuming he’s taking all the gifts in one trip. I’m not privy to Santa’s naughty or nice list so I don’t know the exact numbers we’re dealing with here, but he would certainly need a lot more than nine reindeer to pull that many gifts at once.

If Santa does exist, we sure don’t hear much about how he spends the rest of his time. I know he apparently spends a lot of time on that list of his, checking it twice and what not, but if we’re to believe he can deliver all those presents in one night then why does he need so much time for his list? I’m surprised he doesn’t hit the gym and shed some of those extra pounds during his time off. It would make that inconceivable amount of work he has to do on Christmas Eve a bit easier on his heart.

I admit there is a strong argument that supports Santa’s existence -- the milk and cookies I leave out for him are always gone by the time I wake up on Christmas morning. If Santa didn’t come to my house, then where did the cookies go? I guess it's possible that the Easter Bunny ate them but he’s more of an Easter kind of guy.

And if Santa doesn't exist, then why are there gifts under the tree on Christmas morning that say 'from Santa Claus' on them? If they were really from the Easter Bunny, why would he want to give Santa all the credit? That wouldn't make any sense.

So does Santa Claus really exist? I just don't know what to make of it all. It's difficult for me to believe that he can deliver all those presents in one night, but who else would be leaving the presents and eating the cookies? I guess you could say that I’m undecided on the issue. It’s too close to call. If Santa is real, I just hope he's willing to let some of the other reindeer lead the way once in awhile. Get over yourself Rudolph, it isn’t foggy every Christmas.

Could I Trouble You For Some Candy? I’m Wearing A Cool Costume

2009-10-30T22:49:00.000-07:00

Whenever Halloween rolls around I am reminded of some good times from my childhood. The first thing that usually comes to mind is the time I got my candy stolen by a couple of older kids. My friend and I were finally old enough to go trick-or-treating without parents and/or guardians and we ended up crying like babies that night.

I remember being quite proud of my Freddy Krueger costume that evening. One of the soon-to-be candy thieves came up to me and said, “Hey, cool costume.” I was so happy with the compliment that I didn’t realize what he really meant was, “Hey, in two minutes I will steal your big bag of candy.” Good times.

I also recall the Halloween when I heard the phrase “Halloween Apples” yelled for the first time. I think I was about five years old. Some kids beside me yelled it just when I was about to yell “Trick-or-Treat” and I was really confused by their request. When the stranger opened the door I was worried that I would be getting apples instead of candy. But thankfully that wasn’t the case. I remember thinking, why do those kids ask for apples when they really want candy?

To be fair, yelling Trick-or-Treat didn’t make a lot of sense either. In no way did I want to be tricked, I specifically wanted treats. But even treats doesn’t necessarily mean candy. I could have ended up with fruitcake or even a milk bone.

Trick-Or-Treat and Halloween Apples are okay but I wonder if there is something better for kids to yell on Halloween when requesting candy from strangers. Let’s take a look at some of their options, starting with the standard ones...

“Trick-Or-Treat!”
This is asking for trouble, assuming of course that candy is what you are after. You are leaving yourself open to being tricked 50% of the time and as I stated earlier, the word treat is not specific enough. You should feel lucky if you end up with any candy at all.

“Halloween Apples!”
At least you know you won’t be getting tricked, but there is a chance that you will be getting apples instead of candy. If apples are what you’re after then all the power to you. Just hope you don’t get any Red Delicious.

“Halloween Apples, No Red Delicious Please!”
This is slightly better than shouting Halloween Apples but once again you are hurting your chances for candy.

“Give Me Some Candy!”
This one isn’t bad because you are specifically asking for candy. There is no chance for confusion here. The only problem is that it may come off as a bit rude and you could get less candy because of it. But some candy is better than no candy.

“Snickers Bar!”
This one is specially designed for kids who want a Snickers bar. It is very risky though because if they don’t have any Snickers bars you might end up with nothing at all. Not even an apple.

“Christmas Apples!”
I’m not too sure about this one. One positive is that there is a chance you will get Christmas presents instead of apples.

“Thanksgiving Candy!”
This will significantly increase your chances of getting a turkey, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you’re worried it won’t satisfy your sweet tooth, just add cranberry sauce. You won’t be disappointed.

“Could I Trouble You For Some Candy? I’m Wearing A Cool Costume!”
This is the one to go with. It lets the strangers know exactly what they’re dealing with. You’re a kid in a costume who wants some candy. Not tricks, not apples. You want some candy. It is very polite so you just might get a good handful. I know that you would like to ask for a Snickers bar but you don’t want to sound ungrateful for an Oh Henry. Don’t worry, with some patience the Snickers bars will come. Happy Halloween.

Practice most likely makes better

2009-09-19T16:01:00.000-07:00

I think my golf game has improved considerably this summer. It’s a matter of opinion though. For example, the guy I hit square in the back with a tee shot would likely suggest to you that I haven’t improved very much. It would be tough to argue with him because he was standing at least 100 yards from where I was aiming. I managed to convince him that his back shouldn’t have been there, but deep down I knew it was my fault.

As the weeks went by and I continued to hit people with golf balls, I had become very frustrated with the fact that I couldn’t hit the ball straight with my driver. Other areas of my game were going okay but my drives were out of control. I decided that I should visit the neighborhood scientist for some help. It turns out that my swing causes the ball to slice from right to left as a result of an out-to-in swing path. Everything the neighborhood scientist said to me made sense but I just couldn’t correct my swing no matter how much I practiced. Finally I gave in to my slice and started aiming 100 yards to the right on every tee box. I haven’t hit a person in the back since.

Now I have the skills to pay the…what’s that expression again? The abilities to pay the utilities…the able to pay the cable? It’s something to do with using skills as a means to acquire money and in turn using that money to pay the bills. But wait a minute. I don’t make any money playing golf. It costs me money. So you might say I have the skills to make it difficult to pay the bills because I spend too much money on golf. We’ll go with that one.

Know Your Cereal

2009-07-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

Walking down the cereal isle can be overwhelming at times. There are many factors to consider when making your choice. Which one has the best value? Which one is the healthiest? Which one has the most entertaining character on the box? Which one is the tastiest? But most importantly… which one is Honeycomb?

If the last question is one you ask yourself, please heed my warning: Stay away from Honeycomb. Learn from my Honeycomb-related mistakes. For years it was my favorite cereal but I’ve decided to give it up. Sure it’s hands down the tastiest, but it’s pricy. Those holes in your Honeycomb aren’t free my friends. While it is considered to be one of the healthier “sweet cereals,” there’s no denying that it is packed with sugar and there isn’t even an entertaining character on the box.

My biggest concern with Honeycomb is that it leads to an overuse of milk. The cereal doesn’t soak any up by the time you eat it because it’s so tasty. Then you find yourself with a bowl half full of milk. Now what? Since Honeycomb isn’t very filling you’re still quite hungry. You decide to pour some more into that now deliciously sweet milk. Oops. You’ve poured in too much cereal. Better add some more milk. The same thing happens over and over again. This is a vicious cycle that will inevitably lead to severe cramping and who knows what after that. I don’t care how tolerant of lactose you are, very few people can overcome this. Unless you are disciplined enough to only have one bowl at a time I would recommend staying away from Honeycomb. Sorry Honeycomb, you’re too tasty for your own good.

Raisin Bran is a good alternative. The cost is slightly less than Honeycomb and I have to admit, the sun character on the box holding the two scoops of raisins is mildly entertaining. It’s also very tasty and is a good source of fibre. Plus it’s more likely to fill you up so you won’t get cramps from using an excess of milk. Bran cramps is another issue entirely. Beware of bran cramps. Another note on Raisin Bran – you know those tiny, single serving boxes of Raisin Bran? I’ve always wondered if they also say “Two Scoops of Raisins” on them. Turns out they do. How is this possible, where do they get these tiny scoops?

Another cereal I recommend is Rice Krispies. Yeah, good ol’ Snap, Crackle and Pop. Now those are some entertaining characters. The price is very reasonable and it’s probably sort of healthy for you. The real genius of it is that depending on your mood you can go with or without sugar. Sometimes I add sugar, sometimes I don’t. Neat huh?

If you’re basing your decision purely on how entertaining the character on the box is there are many GR-R-REAT cereals to choose from but I can’t recommend this method. All that sugar will eventually catch up with you.

Bloggy Bloggsenpflug

2009-06-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

At first I was having trouble coming up with something exciting to talk about for my first post, but then I remembered this great sandwich I made last week. It was a corned beef sandwich on rye bread. Btw (that means by the way. I used btw instead of by the way in order to make this as brief as possible), next time you start making a sandwich with something other than rye bread stop immediately and go visit your local grocer to pick up a fresh loaf of rye. I can't stress that enough. Back to my sandwich...next I added romaine lettuce and marble cheese. I was quite happy with the result but I was concerned the sandwich would be a little dry. Some condiments perhaps? Yeah, that would do the trick. After some thought I went with the prepared mustard. I considered mayo but the jar didn't say anything about it being prepared. I assumed there was some preparation involved but I didn't want to take the risk. So that was the final step and I was ready to eat. Unfortunately I somehow misplaced my sandwich and was never able to enjoy it.

I think my next sandwich will be bologna. For years I thought bologna wasn't available anymore but I recently learned how to spell it. Good news everyone -- bologna is still readily available.