Bloggy Talk

You tell her Madge!

2012-02-11T17:11:00.000-08:00

Madonna comments on M.I.A's middle finger during the Super Bowl entertainment [if you can call it that - nobody but Prince has truly rocked that event] Here are her quotes take from Entertainment Weekly:

“I was really surprised,” she admitted on On Air With Ryan Seacrest. “I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it.”
“I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy and positivity,” continued Madonna, who ended her performance with a lit-up message touting world peace. “It seemed negative.”

“It’s such a teenager, irrelevant thing to do,” the “Gimme All Your Luvin’” singer added. ”There was such a feeling of love and unity there. What was the point? It was just out of place.”

So amateur, right Madge? Madge?

Bird Flipping Proliferation Treaty

2012-02-10T00:22:00.000-08:00

I remember when flipping the bird was a great way to punctuate your feelings towards a disagreeable person. Brilliant in design, but the aesthetics highly dependent upon the interpretation of the individual deploying one. It was the symbol of failed diplomacy.

You remember those legendary moments in life, when somehow you went from zero-to-fuck-your-mother faster than lighting. You and your opponent, locked in one of those slow motion, bullshit movie split seconds, where you both try to out draw the other. Those days are gone. I was proud of my skills. It was an art! But, it's all lost now because of Hollywood.

I tempted to call a BFPT (Bird Flipping Proliferation Treaty) with these whiny, little celebrity bitches, who think they need a little more "me" time than the next guy. They make themselves out to be victims of unwanted attention, and live in a constant state of ejaculation, that someone snapping their photo in public is an invasion of their privacy.

"Selena has only let me go this far."

Guess what? I don't give a shit. Who put a gun to your head and said, "I'm going to pay you millions of dollars to be my fucking monkey-bitch, so deal." That's right, you did you monkey's butt. You committed social-suicide when you chose your position in life, and have lost the right to live it normally. So, here's your big cup of "shut the fuck up." Here's what you're going to do. You prats are going to stop abusing the sanctity of the middle finger. You're draining everything that is good and holy from this great gesture faster than the destruction of the rainforest. Look, I'll even make this a cause that you all can support and sing songs for.

You're right Madge, there are fewer wrinkles on your finger
than your face.

We'll make up some T-shirts, wristbands, and organize a 10K run in support of restoring respect, dignity, and honor to the middle finger, while you all continue to get paid ridiculous sums top lose all of yours. Look at Madge over there --->
telling all her fans out there, "Haha, you fucktards keep pouring money into my brand no matter how bad it gets. And, hey! I only said, 'like' a virgin you assholes! Never said I was one."

I do anything Madonna does, so here!

"I was a fucking rapper, man. So, this shit was real!"

"This is the only straight thing left on me fookin' body mate!"

Here's Lady Caca is pulling off a Mrs. Potato Head look. Who wouldn't want a picture of that? This bitch is supposed to be the shit, and everyone talks about how cutting edge and creative she is. Look at her bird! Looks like a plucked and processed piece of chicken. Keith Richards has an excuse for his limp-gimp bird, it's called Rheumatoid Arthritis. All these noobs and old things still working in entertainment are just as played as the fingers they're holding up. Enough is enough. You've created a meme that's causing all the foolish little minions who kiss your asses to imitate your disrespect to the great gesture.

"Canada invented punk
assholes!"

Facebook and Twitter feeds are cluttered with teens and older tards pathetically posturing in their impotent attempt to self aggrandize and let everyone who dare cross their page know, "I may look pretty, but I'm one bad ass mutha fuckah." Like Joaquin Phoenix in Oliver Stone's "U-Turn," playing Toby N. Tucker, TNT. When he goes off, people get hurt. Please. You know you all suck, so accept it. Especially you Avril. You learned three chords so you could pose for pictures and fake like you actually know how to play a, what is it Avril? "Fuck you man, I know what a uh ... uh ... guitar, yeah guitar is." Oh, and which asswipe is responsible for girls making duck lips on facebook? Kirstie, we get it, you're just fat and miserable.

Billy Jo, being punk wasn't about looking like a non-fat version Robert Smith of The Cure. Rihanna, are those fingers for Chris or your fashion consultant? Leave the finger alone, because the only person you should be pointing one at is yourselves.

"I'm a fuckin' punker! Can't you tell? I'm wearing
eyeliner for Christ's sake!"

Rihanna, I didn't know
anyone snapped a pic of you after
Chris threw you out of the car.

This is a nobody from facebook.
This is the closest he'll ever get to anything to do with fucking.

My private sex photos ...

2012-02-08T12:26:00.000-08:00

Okay, if the title of this post got your attention then I'm sorry to disappoint you. This post is sex related, but there are no phone photos to share with you. I'm focusing on news agencies LOVE of sex scandals, especially if they involve powerful people in compromising situations. Scandal, such a scandal! But, aren't we used to it all by now? Another one is being sold today. CNN filed a report on some lawmakers in India doing something stupid with a smart phone. Watch the report, "Mixing Porn with Politics".

Granted, they might want to adhere to the tenets of NSFW before playing with their digital displays, especially when the chamber they're working in is packed with CCTV that zooms in and out [pun intended] on what elected officials are actually doing instead of what they're supposed to be doing.

Time Magazine

There is a greater issue at play here. With technology connecting the world at faster and faster rates, people are expected to be tuned into too many things at once and spend their entire day prioritizing what they can and cannot tend to. How many job want ads now start with the phrase, "Must be able to multitask"? No shit, but multitasking is taking a heavy toll on the human condition. Basic needs are no longer being met. Eat, Sleep, Sex. Sounds simple enough to squeeze in somewhere.

Okay, people are eating, but they're not eating anything that's good for them. But when I hear these endless reports of sex scandals I think of the name of The Cranberries debut album, "Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We?" People have reached the point where "taking care of one's self" has moved up in the list of priorities. Heck, Billy Clinton had two "oval" offices to work in. One came with the privilege of being voted into office, the second "came" when he blew his load in Monica Lewinksy's mouth. One office for big Billy to work in, and the other for little Billy to place the POTUS SPODUM.

It's not just politicians, although there have been some great stories from the Republican party involving "toe tapping" and "wide stances," to church officials having homosexual affairs, etc. Former Senator David Wu dressing like a tiger, RRAARREE! Regular folks want in on the action. Like the Penis Pump Judge. Remember him? Sure, he's kind of a politician, but I didn't know who the fuck he was until his junk became the subject of penile code and ethics.

USA Today

Former Oklahoma District Judge, Donald Thompson managed to conduct trials with a firm grip of the gavel, while a pump under his judicial robe had a firm grip on Thompson's Johnson. There was the former San Fernando, California mayor who held a conference with constituents and colleagues, with his wife in the front row, then admitted he'd been shagging a councilwoman and that he was bankrupt.

He's not alone either. In the same city the chief of police is being sued by a cadet who says he pulled out his rubber club and mirandized her in the back of a patrol car, another councilwoman was taking the political pole from a police sergeant during a heated dust-up between the city and the police union. The problem is spread far and wide. Naughty priests having all their prayers answered every time the cry, "Oh God! Oh God, this feels so good." Teachers have a new way of helping students earn T&A credits and it all leads to one thing! PEOPLE NEED TO GET LAID!!!!!! Kidding, I know there are plenty of other mitigating circumstances that lead people to do what they do.

I will say that a major part of the problem is the fact that our global society is so uptight about sex and at the same time too busy to have it. It's a bad mix. There are a lot of pent up, edgy people in relative positions of power that need to blow off some of that steam. If they did our systems of power might run a little more smoothly. One thing is for sure. It's becoming common place and is no longer so shocking, but that won't stop the media from smokin' that bone.

Ambitious Supreme Leader

2012-02-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

Supreme Leader launches ambitious program

The newly installed Supreme Leader of North Korea is fast at work, creating ambitious new projects to keep his people busy, and North Korea at the forefront of pioneering great feats that only communist nations can accomplish, because they understand the importance of the greater good. This guy is like a modern day Kennedy. Here's a clip from the speech he made while touring this basketball court:

“First, I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of launching a North Korean man from here, to the hoop and returning him safely to the earth. No single sport project in this period will be more impressive to mankind, or more important for the long-range exploration of sport; and none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish. I propose to accelerate the development of the appropriate “flubber” need to make this happen. I propose we develop alternate liquid and solid fuel boosters, much larger than any now being developed, until certain, which is superior. It's what my dad would have done.“

The Huffington Post hiring Teen Beat interns ... ?

2012-01-30T17:03:00.000-08:00

I am absolutely beside myself, having chewed my finger nails to bloody nubs, during the agonizing wait to learn WHO Pippa will choose. I just have to ask myself, "What would Pippa do?!!!?"

It doesn't matter who she chooses. Because they'll end up asking the same bullshit question. It's the one YOU KNOW will end up on any of the saggy, aging media personality's hot sheet, as the single most important reason for spending the money for an exclusive:

"Did you have any idea, when you attended your sister's wedding, that you would end up stealing the spotlight? I mean, you have to know you did, right? How has that changed your life?"

Ugh. So fucking predictable. The media continues to suck on the vapors of what remains of the collective intelligence of the consumers of mass media. And the worst part is that this trite manner in which news agencies try to pump-up a non-story into some reasonable facsimile of legitimate news is the only way they can vie for your attention.

Here's an E! news story that will suck the intelligence right out of you. "Why Was Rumer Willis Hanging Out With Glenn Close?"

I will tell you why! Because nobody knows who the fuck Annie Starke is! The most significant part of this highly informative journalistic piece, "A couple of days later, Starke tweeted Willis a photo of a Chihuahua."

Check out some of the Facebook pages of news agencies around the country. It seems they're all hiring former interns of Teen Beat and tabloid magazines because they're only ones smart enough to write what's dumb enough for the next generation of digital dipshits.

Over or under ... ?

2012-01-30T00:00:00.000-08:00

“Do you prefer over or under?”

My father stood in the crack of my bedroom door holding a fresh roll of toilet paper in his hand, his face wearing an expression he stole from Mr. Whipple. He often posed odd questions, and not always in the presence of my friends to score quirky, coolest dad points with them. He truly was quirky. He was actually allowing the family to exercise the democratic process in deciding the direction our toilet paper should hang in the bathroom.

“Uh, I guess over.”

I thought my answer would make him go away, but he lingered like a thick, heavy fart. I think he was trying to offset some of the boredom he often experienced at home. His brain never stopped working on problems he felt compelled to solve.

“I’m just asking everyone’s preference,” he said in a scholarly way.

He had sauntered all the way into the room, still presenting the roll of tissue to me. He was dressed in his well-worn uniform of sagging blue jeans and rumpled oxford shirt. His hair was parted to the right and lightly glued together with product. He used several man products in his grooming and hygiene– including Speed Stick, that I believed contributed to his old man smell. A smell that I became well acquainted with after a late night trip to the bathroom a few years back.

I collided with him in the hallway. I was exiting and he was entering. Both of us were in full night blinded, bleary-eyed, zombie walk when we struck each other. I recalled a squishy, bony sensation on me, and a hard knock on my forehead from a pointy jaw. The collision was packed with enough force to cause my father to issue a painful moan. I also realized that the only thing separating me from his soft tissues were his tighty whities.

I was immediately engulfed by his funk. A blend of Mennen, Chapstick, Groom & Clean and stale undershirt. It was heavy and seemed to possess a presence of its own. I issued an apology, and as I shuffled back to my room like Ozzy Osbourne, the funk followed along, clinging to my skin. That was the moment I came to realize my father had become an old man.

I have never forgotten this experience. So many of our life experiences are centered around smells and they trigger those long dormant memories to come rising to the surface of our conscience like a bubble of oxygen escaping to the surface of a large body of water.

My dad, standing in front of me holding a roll of toilet paper, asking me my preference short of inquiring what position my hand is in when I'm ready to wipe, is probably why I ask odd questions of my own children all the time now. Mostly I don't ask them in front of their friends. I just do it to try and score quirky, coolest dad points with them.

Oh, and I believe the "overs" won the general election and the "unders" had to just deal.

Ashton Kutcher's Disease ...

2012-01-29T10:15:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness it's been determined that Demi Moore doesn't have Ashton Kutcher's Disease. That shit is nasty. Worse than Lupus. I guess she just has a bad case of the Singles.

"Liam Bottlefingers"

2012-01-25T10:47:00.000-08:00

It's pretty sad when a really good actor reaches that point in his career when he takes roles, like his latest release, "The Grey". The trailer is enough for me. I can just imagine the pitch to the studio heads. "It's "Edward Scissorhands" meets "Man vs. Wild" in a dog eat do world. I want to give you Liam Bottlefingers! Complete with doll merchandising and a tie-in promotion with Popov Vodka."

I'm sorry, what was the question ... ?

2012-01-24T12:57:00.000-08:00

They're everywhere. They want you to come out and play. They inundate your news feed with tons of inane questions to which the answers won't make a shit stain of difference in your life, or in the daily operations of Brand X, except where they can take some marketing stats off you.

They're the social media content producers that are either hired by companies, or just happen to be that Joe Blow employee at Brand X, who already spends so much time on social media at work, he serves up the trite shite for his bosses, at no extra cost.

TV newsrooms like KPTV are the worst. Their cracker team of managers force the lowly writers, producers, editors, janitors, and anyone else they can get, to crank out the same old, tired, formulaic, journaljism they call news on their facebook and web pages. Could have to do with the fact that they've fired so many people to stop the bleeding, they don't have anyone left to fill those roles.

Guess someone at the parent publishing company really didn't see the writing on the wall when advertising dollars started drying up in magazine publications. Seriously, when's the last time you picked up an actual magazine? Whoops. And why not chop the payroll down and make the remaining slaves take on the extra duties?

Nothing like wielding an ax over someone's head where their job is concerned. When it comes to content, KPTV suffers from Bulimia Nervosa, binging on anything it deems news worthy, then bows its shameful head towards the toilet that is local media, and blows beets. The competitors take turns looking inside the bowl to remark, "Yep. We ate that too."

With the modern worker's shift now consisting of trying to balance duties with getting stuck in the technology loop, the web department is slowly being opened up to non-web people who often only post their interest level or worse, degrading the quality of content. They choose quantity over content.

I use facebook, and I happen to like certain aspects of social media. It can be fun and engaging if done right. But all too often the posts from media companies and others are just come-ons from their whoring sages desperate to keep interaction strong and drive up website hits with links in the form of a question. Wait, can I ask you just one more thing? Will you take a look at this shit?:

There is only one thing left to say, "SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Politics as usual ...

2012-01-23T19:44:00.000-08:00

I really don't care about politics either way. I mean, I just don't anymore. I used to be very involved and used to stay on top of the goings on. Not anymore.

There's too much political cock-sucking in dimly lit rooms in Washington. Anyone who says they're a political outsider has more shit inside of them than just what's in their colon.

There are so many reasons why and I won't get into them. But, I did come across this link the other day and it's a pretty good example of why election cycles can be so irritating. The blathering on the loud speakers only amplifies distractions from the real issues are country faces, and in a way also seeks to legitimize really stupid people, shortcomings and all.

Like the ass clown, Keith Ablow, who surfaced recently to praise Newt Gingrich as someone whose philandering and cheating is exactly the character we need in the country's top office. Read the quotes at this link here.

If you actually checked out the link [no I'm not getting paid for anything] it's really quite astounding, and you'll understand what I mean when I say that all I got from it was this, "Americans are just Newt's latest mistress and once he's done fucking them, he'll move on to another woman."

Good to know.

Plain bad asses ...

2012-01-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

Plain bad asses

You don't want to meet these guys on a dark, lonely stretch of dirt road between the wheat and the corn. Just get in your buggy and get the hell out of Dodge, or Lancaster, County. With all the recent run-ins with the law, I think it's high time that Martin Scorsese direct a pic about the Amish mafia. "Calmfellas," "Buggy Driver," or perhaps just plain, "Aging Bull."

Big Brother/Big Apple...

2012-01-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

In 1984, Apple Computers introduced the world to its personal computer, The Macintosh, and redefined the role of advertising for companies on an cinematic scale. The ad, directed by Ridley Scott, came during the third quarter of Super Bowl XVIII. It featured drone-like minions shuffling towards a great room to listen to the propaganda from their "Big Brother," until the chains of the repressive "police-state" are broken by a rebellious athletic woman, chased by riot-geared thugs, who fail to reach her before she throws a large hammer into the screen displaying Big Brother, thus releasing a vacuum of air that blows across the drones who sit in shock.

Apple wanted to set itself apart from IBM "Big Brother" and Chiat/Day (the ad agency hired) heavily borrowed on the theme of George Orwell's novel"1984," to convey the message that consumers would no longer have to live with what Big Brother provided for all. Consumers now had freedom of choice. The message from Apple relied on the irony of these images, after all both IBM and Apple were tech companies, but one is good and the other evil. But, irony is a word that is often misused by people who employ it to illustrate the difference between something intended and its opposite outcome, but when taken literally it is that meanings or events are parallel and in many cases have the same outcome, but arrive there by a completely different set of circumstances.

The Dystopian society in which the repressive nature of a police state controls people under the guise of being Utopian, the theme Apple approved for its ad, foreshadowed Apple's own evolution to become the very "Big Brother" it was opposed to in its award winning ad. The evidence of which lay in the twist that the people living in the country responsible for the manufacture of Apple's most popular devices, including the iPhone, are clashing with riot gear clad cops because the company halted sales of the iPhone 4 due to a lack of supply, or so we're told. Wouldn't the people who manufacture the phones there know the truth?

Left: Apple ad from 1984. Right: Beijing, China Apple store Jan. 2012.

This is irony. The rumor in the business world is that Apple has a 10% share of the smartphone market in China, but it's five stores rack up the most money in sales of any in the world. Is "Big Brother/Big Apple" driving up demand and creating a frenzy in order to force Chinese consumers to buy phones locked into a service plan? Apple has found the perfect formula to enslave people to its beautifully designed products, which cycle out every six months to a year under the guise of being the "individual's" company of choice in a sea of sameness. Apple equates its products with the rebellious nature within us all, instilling in us that by buying these devices, we are bucking the establishment, when Apple simply is the establishment.

Ugly Today ...

2012-01-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, look, it was ugly jacket and ugly background day on the Today Show this morning. In fact, it looks as if the set designers thought it would be a good idea to take a smart phone snap of Matt's ugly jacket and tile it into the background behind him.

In related news:

I love propaganda of all types, but communist is my favorite. Love this manly image of the new Supreme Leader of North Korea. He's just like a rhinestone cowboy, riding out on a horse in a star spangled rodeo. I think the horse is screaming, "Aaah, my back! Get this fat fuck off me!!!"

Kind of like some other propaganda I've seen....

Yep. I knew I had seen this ad campaign before. Huh. Bye.

200,000 more boots!!!!

2012-01-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

Why is it that the economy can only grow jobs 200,000 at a time? It makes it really tough for a guy like me, among the more than 13,000,000 unemployed, to wait around until one or two of those 200,000 positions opens up near me. It's like waiting to hit the lottery.

Sorry, the 13,000,000 figure is what has been reported by the Bureau of Labor. Normally, this agency likes to express those numbers in percentages so that Americans won't panic at the thought of more than 13,000,000 people being unemployed in this country. Hey, if you're going to have dick in your mouth, it better taste good right? So they like to slap lipstick on the pig and use percentages like 8.7% for an unemployment rate.

Does it make you feel any better to see a smaller decimal digit? Or are you one of those savant freaks who knows the current population of the U.S. and can figure out the number of jobs based on all potential demographics to determine the number to be in the neighborhood of 13,000,000? Likely not, but the number isn't really that accurate to begin with.

The Los Angeles Times took the time to factor in people who don't report unemployment [maybe these people had some savings they're blowing through before resorting to unemployment insurance or figure they can get hired soon enough with their current skills and build it back up again]. They peg the actual number of unemployed to be closer to 26,900,000. That's more than twice the figure released by the government and probably a more realistic look at the situation.

So, do I care that the administration just announced today, January 6, 2012, that the country saw 200,000 jobs added to the economy, resulting in some spurious drop in the unemployment rate to the tune of 8.7%? Fuck off. The Washington Post say it will take another 6,000,000 jobs to get us back to the level we were at before the economy tanked. I think we'll need more.

What does this post have to do with it's title? 200,000 more boots? I was picking up my children from their school yesterday and eavesdropping on the mothers that are always blathering on about their most recent skirmishes in Suburban Warfare; the battle to stay pretty, at home, and spending hubby's money. I overheard, "There's just not enough good boots around, I mean I tried on soooo many at Macy's, it's hard."

Damn right!!! You've come a long way baby. And that dick in your mouth never tasted any better than it does right now.

"I love you, but do you love me?"

2012-01-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

Men or women who choose partners 10 years or more their junior, always act so stunned, shocked, and hurt when their young proteges decide to step out on them. Take Demi Moore for example. Come on, Demi. How much did you really think all the Pilates and nips and tucks would keep Ashton interested? Moore says Kutcher's infidelity tells her she's, "not good enough." I think Moore may have forgotten it was herself that told her she wasn't good enough when she started ramping up on the cosmetic surgery in a desperate attempt to fight off the inevitable.

It's tragic, isn't it? It's also terribly heartbreaking to see what was obviously true love fall apart like this. Demi, I value you. Don't beat yourself up over it. And when you think that Ashton dishonored you and disregarded "all that [he's] shown [you]" just remember this. He probably didn't want to look at a wrinkled, toothless, old bag anymore.

It's really hard to get an image like that out of your mind during coitus. Just enjoy telling this story and find someone more age appropriate. I hear Mel Gibson is on the market again.

#ICUbaby#slappin'thathash!

2011-12-28T15:02:00.000-08:00

There are #plenty of #things I #don't #like about social media (http://bullshit.is/HArdTOread), but I #still #participate, but #NOT where #hashtags are concerned. They #cluster the #fuck out of trying to read anything anyone is attempting to say -- assuming there's any value in it to begin with and whether it should be posted in the first place! But the faithful twitting minions wouldn't be caught dead not doing it.

Everybody else is doing it so why can't we?

The idea behind the hashtag was to allow other people on Twitter to easily access trending topics by entering the hashtagged word to find threads. Problem is most of the knuckle heads who hashtag, attach it to EVERYTHING. People who've attached their Twitter accounts to their facebook status updates, pepper these poopies out all day long creating long threads of crap in my news feed. Like a swarm of Starlings flew overhead and left droppings all over the damn place.

The biggest problem I have with hashtagging is that it's often attached to banal statements and meaningless drivel that these digital dip-shits think we really find trending, endearing, entertaining, necessary or informative. It becomes an addiction that amounts to little more than social media masturbation. There is no freedom from their banality and the quest to be validated. Here's the pattern of a compulsive twitter-bator:

"I tweeted! That was exciting. Gonna do it again. I tweeted! That was exciting. Gonna do it again. I tweeted! That was exciting. Gonna do it again." And again. And again. And again like a hand on rubber parts. Problem is their hands and wrists are indefatigable! Here's real life examples of compulsive twitter-bator I know;

                 Good morning #pdx and everyone else! Have a great day!

   My dog's breath is killing me right now ... #justsaying

Search #pdx and you'll get a million other twits cluttering up the place with the same crap. "Have a great day!" It will be a great day when you stop leaving your gooey little messes everywhere. Other twits are just so full of hash, reading their posts is like smoking it:

                 Full day! Saw #santa; re-did #website (http://p.co/Masldnf), finished a #project
                 went to amazing #show in #pdx. What did you do?

This is just a cry for attention. A cry from someone that needs desperately for strangers on Twitter to care about all the boring crap they've done during the day. A cry to be accepted for the very superficial and finely tuned avatar they've created for themselves in cyberspace that's nothing like them in real life. This is the fun-loving, highly successful, incredibly witty, always desirable twit. They don't have to be a nobody anymore, if only they could get someone to take interest.

                #Hey!!! #Over #here! I #need you to need #me! I #want you to
                #stroke me and my #ego. My #avatar #needs #stroking! Of what
                #value will I be to #anyone, if you don't #read! #My! #Tweets!!??
                #I #have #value, you #know!!!

I see you baby, slapping that hash. I guess I just hate what some people use social media for. It can be a powerful thing if used wisely and in moderation. Americans just can't moderate. I don't need to hash this out any more than I have and neither do you.

#Have a #great #day!!!!

2011-12-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

Most brave the winter weather outdoors for charity. They bundle up against the harsh elements and stand on their feet all day long in service to those in need.

Some use grace, others style. Some are creative and entertain you with music or a witty quip, while others use a signature technique or rhythm to ring the bell. I don't normally give pocket change to the Salvation Army, but this year I did, because the dude was Lazy with a capital L.

He was sitting INSIDE the entrance to the Thriftway Marketplace keeping warm, sitting in a chair, looking at his smart phone in one hand, and started ringing the bell the minute the doors cued him to. THAT is commitment. I put change in his kettle and he didn't even look up from his phone, instead just issued a head down and muffled, "Merry Christmas."

Journal-jism

2011-12-14T09:18:00.000-08:00

Here's a prime example of how one person's uninspired writing is disseminated across the country, reaching every corner of the U.S. that has a television tuned into a local news channel [I'll get back to the word, disseminated a little later in the broadcast]. It has to do with a lead-in sentenced on a single story that managed to find it's way onto more than a dozen newscasts. It probably started as an anonymously authored piece of AP wire copy that popped into millions of computers registered to receive AP services. Some, $25,000 a year producer saw it and said, "That will fill out my top block of news perfectly, it's kicker-ish and controversial!" and slapped it into his or her rundown. They love to end a block with a 'talker' so the anchors can quip witty.

Then, some lowly writer with an average age of 23, who spends their entire shift sitting at a desk re-writing AP copy, realizes he stayed up too late the night before work, drinking with recently graduated college buddies and talking about his awesome job in TV news. But, now he's too tired and hungover to think about anything -- including creative leads. He's relying on what few synapses he has left firing to be creative on his friends' Facebook pages or surfing Pinterest, Tumblr, and The Onion, instead of 'freshening up' his copy. If you tune in regularly to watch news or even if you don't -- you're all really not missing ANYTHING. Take a look at this clip courtesy of Conan O'Brien:

No magic editing, that is news media at its best. It is just a product. Think of McDonald's. Your Big Mac will be the same piece of crap it is in the L.A. area, as it is for me in the Portland area, as it is for any other consumer. The same holds true for news. Remember Jack Nicholson's character Melvin in "As Good As It Gets"? Ask him, "How do you write news so well?" and he'll say:

"I think of Journalists, then I take away reason and accountability."
[What a fit!]

Producers and writers always say, "I'm slammed! I don't have time to proofread everything!" The pic below says the rest.

Now, back to that word. Dissemination. I love that word. It is why I titled this post "Journal-jism". Dissemination is from Latin dissēmināre, from dis- ¹ + sēmināre to sow, from sēmen seed] Semen, seed that is spread widely. So that one, nameless AP writer's very uninspiring lead-in sentence, is like the semen. Cue up Bon Jovi, "I've seen a million faces, and I've jizzed them all."

Good night and good luck.

Are you ready to be wowed?

2011-12-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

You've worked hard for your degree in journalism! You're ready to claim your reward. You're ready to debit those fat paychecks you're getting in trade for your hard hitting news stories that air in slick, polished pieces that are presented on the nightly news. You're going to jet off to remote and dangerous places around the world and embed yourself with mobile units.

You'll don groin and chest protection, and even a helmet over that beautifully coiffed mane you spent hours primping. You'll be the envy of all your family and friends as they see you filing a report from the gun turret of a moving, tank-like vehicle, with the orange glow of a setting sun behind you, moments before they hear that handsome Brian Williams repeat your name after the toss back, you're on your way up and ain't nothing gonna stop your stride [yeah, shitty song intended].

Reality: You're in year five of working at your fifth cousin-marrying station that falls well outside the 56 Nielsen metered markets, and you've filed what seems like your one-thousandth report on bestiality until you learn everybody is doing it. You're dying to get out of market 205 and you're so desperate you think you'd actually blow a horse if someone would just give you your well deserved big break, when it happens. You've been called up. Maybe not to the big leagues, but 205 to 25 will make you next to royalty. Portland, Oregon here you come to sweep the damp little Pacific Northwest off its feet and show them you've got moxie. You're going to give them the reporting they deserve!

Reality: KATU NEWS

Buy a boxed cake to test my oven temperature. What's wrong with a thermometer?
Do it yourself. Call an appliance specialist first and tell them you're not going to hire them, but want advice fixing your oven.
Use your heated, self-cleaning oven function in the middle of summer.

You probably had no clue what to do until you came across this vital information. Your local news station is on your side to tackle the really tough issues in life for you, so you don't have to. You can focus on pressing issues, like whether Arby's 5 for $5.95 is 5-for-5 or 5-for-6, or whether the toilet paper in your crapper should be presented "over or under."

Jackass

2011-12-09T08:18:00.001-08:00

Ugly Americans:

Dozens trampled, 13 people injured, 2 critically, but so necessary to let this jackhole hang from the goal posts.

Oklahoma State's 44-10 victory over Oklahoma [12/03/2011]

I'm lovin' it...

2011-12-06T21:28:00.001-08:00

The new trend of online coupons holds about as much interest to me as blowin' a weightlifter with a sweaty ball sack. And you thought you knew what clean and jerk meant. But they're EVERYWHERE! Not the sweaty ball sacks, online coupons. Well sure, there are plenty of sweaty nut sacks in the world, but that's beside the point. Okay, forget I said it.

Groupon, Livingsocial, and countless "daily deal" offers brought to you courtesy of your local television news station, are nothing more than sticky little cyber-fingers hoping to pick your wallet of a little extra cash, in order to make every interaction with you online help out their bottom line. I will admit there are some good deals out there, but most of them are bad, even downright crap.

I came across a livingsocial deal that I think could become the next big thing in telling someone how you really feel about them. Got an "X" out there you want to get back at? Were your kids total brats to you this year? In-laws on your hit-list? This is your new lump of coal in the stocking.

Here it is in all of it's livingsocial splendor, 'cause when I socialize it's with burgers and not just any burgers, but the Big Mac, and not just one Big Mac, but FIVE Big Macs, all 100% made from the bits and pieces of the bastard sons of a million cows. Throw in five large boxes of potato starch and sodium and you have the perfectly balanced ingredients for a coronary or you'll become handy-fat. Those are the people who don't really have any true disability or special health problems, they're just fat and can't walk anymore so they tool around in those little carts and demand to be treated like real disabled people.

McDonald's food is pretty damn cheap to begin with and I'm not just talking about what you pay for it. McDonald's has built an empire off selling really low quality [don't forget about their egg supplier], low cost ingredients at what seems like bargain prices to most Americans. But think of all the costs associated with the health problems this food generates when you not only stuff someone's stocking with it, but their arteries too.

I couldn't think of a better way of telling someone, "I love you so much, I hope my gift increases your risk of heart disease, cancer or diabetes." Reminds me of one of my favorite ads utilizing the talents of our beloved Ronald Reagan. He's such a thoughtful sweetheart.

My wife told me I should write for one of these online coupon groups, "you'd be great at it!" I am not so sure I could generate quality prose like this excerpt from the McDonald's ad on livingsocial. These companies are reportedly VERY picky about how things are worded and have final say over the verbiage. I can't imagine what the editor was thinking when this turd hit the internet.

Okay, if I travel from Florida to Alaska the accents may change, or will they? I've never heard someone from Florida speak any differently than someone from say, California. And unless all the people in Alaska speak Inuit and didn't tell me, they're accents are imperceivable pretty much fall within the general American dialect. Yes, there is Southern American English, Northeastern accents and regional accents, but this twit of an author said, "Travel from Florida to Alaska..." Wouldn't it stand to reason that a trip of that type of undertaking could be executed by air?

Had this person written, "All across our country from Florida to Alaska, the accents may change," I might be able to cut them some slack. But that's in hindsight. Look at the next sentence, "Give those on your wish list ..." Am I so desperate for friends and family to give gifts to, I put them on MY wish list??? I've made gift lists before. But, I don't ever recall putting people on my wish list. Okay, I lied a little, I really, really, really wanted Stephanie Seymour one year after she toyed with my emotions in the Victoria's Secret catalogs. Then she let Asshole Rose of "Guns & Roses" grease his weasel in her garage and she was ruined.

The rest of the drivel suggests that it would be uniquely un-American to not sink your teeth into a juicy beef patty with pickles and onions. What if you don't like pickles and onions? Does that make you a pinko, or a terrorist if you ask to have them removed? Do you get placed on the "No Fry List?"

The amalgamation of this inferior and let's face it, fecal material, blossoms to it's fullest and foulest potential, by suggesting that there is such a thing as "Rich American cheese."

You may be monitored for quality assurance

2011-12-01T10:29:00.001-08:00

Every holiday season millions of people prepare for their traditions of celebrating the year's end with family and friends. But what is a tradition? It's a long-established or inherited way of thinking or acting. We believe these things to never change. We believe them to be an important part of our identity. But, what is more uniquely American is our tradition of how we view our freedom. What is freedom? It's not just a state of being free and having the liberty to do the things we want to do. It's the exemption from external control, interference and regulation by anything larger than us, or so one might think. It seems more than ever, that the definition of freedom is changing at the hands of advances in technology.

The digital age has exploded and now there is no stopping it from running our lives. It's akin to genetically modifying a species or crop and sending it out into the world to reproduce and eventually dominate the original of the species. So, has technology and our ever increasing dependence on it. A facebook friend [yes, I'm going to criticize something that I am currently participating in] posted a news article [click the link provided] about a troubling little discovery made by an Android developer.

It's a type of code that tracks not only what you search for while on your Android smart phone, but records key-strokes. Key strokes that could allow these companies to access passwords to things you don't want them having access to. It's called Carrier IQ and we can assume the "I" is a double entendre for the dubious deed for which it has been designed. Your banking accounts, your Amazon account, your email accounts are all accessible with this type of technology. They're already tracking your text messages. What use would this information be to a big corporation? When the Android developer raised concerns over his discovery, some lawyers tried to scare him into remaining quiet with a threatening letter, unfortunately for those lawyers a little thing called the constitution got in the way. So, it must mean a lot to the big companies to protect their access to it.

It's two-fold. You don't have to be a conspiracy theorist to understand that it gives corporations unprecedented access to demographics. They would love to know how much money you make, how much you spend, what you spend it on, how many kids you have, what kind of car you drive, if you're in a relationship or single, if you're healthy or not, what your habits are, and where you're likely to hang out so they can saturate that area with the products you fancy, in order to lure you into another impulse buy.

Marty Cooper is credited for being the creator of the first cellular phone for Motorola, you know, the big brick. Cooper is of course a big champion of mobile phone technology [after all it made him a multimillionaire]. He was featured a little while back on "60 Minutes" [you can watch the piece here] talking about the "next big thing" that will come from this industry. He says he's delighted to know someone is monitoring his buying habits.

     "They're going to tailor their marketing to me.
     And the products that are available to me. To
     my taste."

If we've learned anything from recent events taking place in the U.S. and around the world with the occupy movements is that many people are tired of living under the yoke of the almighty corporation and the banks that loan them the imaginary money to buy the goods and services they're being told they have to buy, in order to be valued in society. This, even when they don't have the income to make the payments on those loans that eventually lead them down a path of consumer slavery. There are penalties to be paid.

Cooper believes one of the next big thing for the cell phone industry will be its ability to revolutionize the health care industry. He believes, like marketing, it will allow us to have better access to health services. He says doctors will be able to monitor our health from anywhere in the world. Come on Marty, it's hard enough to get doctors to pay a lick of attention to us in their offices. We can sit upwards of an hour before they even come into the examination room to tell us they're finishing up with another patient and that they're sorry to have made us wait. But wouldn't this technology just give insurance companies greater power in denying claims
and limiting benefits to Americans they've deemed to be risky based on their Carrier IQ record? Plans are in the works to link our phones to our car's computers to determine what kind of drivers we are. How exactly is that supposed to benefit us? Think of how this information could be used against the insured, you know, the people they take money from monthly, that in trade we accept that the company will protect us in a time of need. This information only maximizes the profits of the insurance companies in letting them judge whether we'll be covered. Americans were sold the message that legislation to reform the health care industry would force families to pull the plug on grandma. It's a dubious image at best and one that serves to bolster the argument that the health insurance companies truly care about us and have our best interests at heart, and any change in that belief will directly affect the American way of life and access to the best medical care in the world.

The fact of the matter is that the health care industry is profit based, and there is an extremely large amount of money to be made under the current system. Oh sure, companies like Kaiser Permanente claim to be non-profit, but many people will just have to decide for themselves. The company is currently running a radio spot called, "The Snack," touting the benefits of eating right at work. Eating fatty foods and sugary snacks slows us down and that hampers our ability to "work effectively." The company's motto on a billboard ad is, "It's not just health care, it's how we care." But, if you listen to the ad carefully, Kaiser is only working to benefit the bottom line of the company that "chooses" it as its health care provider. If the employee is healthier, you can stress them out harder. Kaiser says it provides the tools necessary for companies to keep us healthy and productive for them, and not for the benefit of our families and our quality of life.

How did we get this far down the road on this topic? It all ties together to a much larger picture of where technology is taking us. We're being told it's to keep us better connected with family, friends and loved ones and that it gives us better access to goods and services because we're constantly on the go, but it comes with a heavy price tag. Apple has been the hot, trendy purveyor of deliciously supple, avantgarde and desirable devices that contradict its most famous message in 1984. Remember this:

What's probably the most disturbing part of this covert info gathering is that it could be sold to the U.S. government for hefty sums, but done so under a banner of anti-terrorism measures that perpetuate the misconception that intelligence officials are only gleaning over the 'private' communications of those individuals who are already suspect. We are told its being done in order to protect all Americans in their pursuit of freedom. Some Americans have been so preoccupied thinking President Obama is bringing socialism to their country, they can't see they're living in a Totalitarian state dictated by the handful of people behind the companies that are actually running the country. We've recently learned that corporations are people too.

Marty Cooper admits to the fact that science is currently working on hardware and software designed for the purpose of reading our minds. He even suggests that the next mobile phone could actually be a computer chip planted behind our ears. That's a comforting thought. Will there be muzak pumping out messages to buy one product over another? Artificial Intelligence is the new frontier of technology and there are many people worried about how that technology will be exploited [as witnessed in countless science fiction movies]. Another fact that Cooper states in the "60 Minutes" interview, and many of us could agree with is, "Privacy is a thing of the past." Cooper says that the whole concept of privacy requires "a new mindset." But that doesn't give any corporation the right to sell us a "personal" device without a warning on the side of the box that the device may be monitored for quality assurance. Whatever those qualities are. Whether you hate government regulation or not, it seems that it may be necessary to limit what hardware and software companies can have access to without our express permission. But then again, how can we trust those who are supposed to be protecting us from big brother, when he's so intricately tied to our political system? What is freedom? Freedom should be a right to privacy.

2011-08-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

If I was hired to write a print ad for Toyota Motors who's cars don't stop when you want them to and accelerate instead:

"It's being called our most important launch ever. Here at Toyota, we value your loyalty and it's expressed in the pride and care we take in building the cars you've come to depend on. Meet your 2012 Camry. Toyota, nothing's gonna stop us now."

Behind the big curtain...

2011-07-30T15:32:00.000-07:00

Good news writing is allegedly written for the ear. In the mornings, the goal of a news program is to get people to watch the newscast. Got to hit the meters. Hit the red zones. Earn credit for the quarter hour. Drive ratings/revenue up. The trouble is, news is written based on the fear of getting sued coupled with a lack of information from police and other authorities.

The problem with getting people to watch is that most people are in the shower washing the night before off their bodies. They're packing some form of nutrition into their alimentary canals, and prepping the kids before stepping outside of their American Dream to inject themselves into the morning commute to be pulsed through the arteries of any-town USA. People reportedly watch TV as they "run and gun." That's what the consultants say. People don't sit in front of the box in the mornings. They are running around doing a million tasks before getting out the door.

So according to the experts it is imperative that you write actively and for the ear. If you catch their ear's attention, you can get people to stop what it is they're doing and look at the tube. Well paid anchors end up spitting out contrived little phrases like, "While you were sleeping" and "Put down your toothbrush, stop combing your hair or whatever you might be doing and come take a look at this..." [This is NOT a joke]. The problem is, we really don't know much when it's actually happening. So we end up using crutch words to fake it.

I think honesty would be the best way to catch their attention. Forget active writing, just tell the truth. Be honest to what's really going on inside a typical household in the morning; "Wipe your ass and come take a look at this," or "I know that coffee you just drank is giving you a wicked spasm in your colon, but if you could just hold off on that shit you need to take long enough to watch this piece of video I have for you, I'd appreciate it." In other households it might be, "Tell your wife to remove your penis from her mouth long enough for you to pay attention to me for about 30 seconds. It will be worth it."

Honestly. If we could say the things we know happen behind closed doors, news might be a heck of a lot more entertaining. If we could say how we truly felt about some news stories we have to write, it would be a heck of a lot more interesting. Then the people would watch. That's why Jon Stewart's Daily Show is becoming a main source for people to keep up with current events and politics. Same with Colbert.

See those bold words in the paragraphs above? Those are "cover your ass" fillers. Words that really signify one thing. We don't really know jack shit. News writing is full of it [in more ways than one]. When you hear allegedly [we want to say it, but don't want to get sued because we're not sure who to attribute it to]. If you hear reportedly [we want to say it, but don't know who to attribute it to]. If you hear, according to [we didn't do any independent research of our own, someone else did and if you don't like it, don't blame us]. Other useless words you'll hear a lot of; undetermined, officials, continues, and still.

There are a ton more of these that come in the form of phrases:
"So far, police have released few details in their investigation."
"There's no word on what caused the fire."
"Investigators remain tight-lipped."
"There are few details at this time."
"We'll bring you more details, just as soon as they become available."
"Police are investigating." [they wouldn't be doing their job if they weren't.]

Listen to your local newscasts and see where these things pop up. Some newsrooms have lists of 'banned' words that pit those spoken by POLICE versus those spoken by REAL PEOPLE. If we were to write on the same level our viewers speak, we'd suffer a major FAIL in the world of broadcast journalism, throwing all credibility out the window [don't say anything because we already have, we've done it in more creative ways that make money], but it would still be the most entertaining stuff on TV.

Active writing is supposed to be the bell to Pavlov's dogs. Sure, it would be nice if all scripts were in active voice, but it's not going to happen when we don't have any solid information to base it on. Oh, those of you that write in and police our grammar, I say you're wasting your time and our time. Go to the schools. Become a teacher. Emphasize the need for grammatically correct writing from an early age and hope it carries forth into the generations to come. We can write actively and for the ear with perfect grammar until we're blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is most viewers are too stupid to even notice. Take a look at some of these emails that came in after the earthquake in Japan. Yeah, we scared the shit out of people and made them think a tsunami was coming to the west coast, but really ...

MESSAGE:
is it possible that you could let us hear what the japan reporter is saying as long as he speaks english and you guys be a little quieter. he's there and probably sees and knows more than you right now.

MESSAGE:
what kinds of things should i pack? just in case.

MESSAGE:
Is there anything being done for those individuals coming from Japan to Portland....like decontamination??? During the H1N1 scare, people before boarding planes were having their temperatures taken and unable to board if they were shown to have a temperature. I'm not so concerned of the radiation reaching Portland from Japan across the ocean. i worry about those people being carriers and bringing it DIRECTLY from Japan. Would love to know if there are any precautions being taken to keep our airport and us safe during this time.

Another woman wrote in terrified she'd have to leave her home in Dundee, Oregon and wanted to know where she should leave for to reach higher ground. Dundee is more than 60 miles inland and at an elevation of 189 feet. Not to mention, the Oregon coast range is a line of mountains extending 200 miles from the Washington border to the Coquille river its highest peak reaching more than 4,000 ft. Do you think she's listening carefully to how we write her news? Here's a typical email demonstrating what real viewers care about and that's getting us to stop doing annoying things like make our color brighter than other stations.

MESSAGE:
Why is the color on your station so bright? It is only your station and is so bright it hurts your eyes to watch any programs.

As Gordon Ramsay would say, "Fuck me."

Hole Descriptions

2011-07-20T13:16:00.000-07:00

Sports stories are often nebulous at best when we search for the real meaning behind why it's put before us. All over the internet I see that Tiger Woods is parting ways with his long time caddy Steve Williams. I have to wonder why that even gets on the radar. I had no idea who Williams was, but suspect only because the media hasn't had Woods to kick around for a while the temptation was too great. So why is Williams through? I don't care. Maybe he's sick and tired of giving Tiger hole descriptions and having to clean Wood's balls after every event. That kind of shit just gets old.