Blogwala

Those Ignored Voices...

2014-06-08T02:20:00.000-07:00

Edgar Allen Poe once said “Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear.”

Silence is frightening! Technically it’s not the silence that scares us, but that impending voice, a whisper which we subconsciously ignore every night.

It was pitch dark outside, not even a single lamp post was working. Relaxing in a shabby balcony on 5^th floor, he enjoyed the whole thrill of being alone in an unfinished Multi-storey building, which neighbors claims to be a place of occult.

It was surprisingly cold that night but his hands were moist. Its 1 AM. Cold breeze mix with thick mist decked upon almost all the nearby visible things. He was experiencing enhanced senses; all of his six senses were highly alert. His veins are full of adrenaline. Resting against a wall in the balcony he was fidgeting up with his phone and keeps on looking at that black, almost empty void.

Bizarrely, flies were swarming around him constantly and the buzzing sound are now getting on his nerves.

‘I was here before’ he mumbled. He was into multiple Deja Vu.

Voice: ‘You've done it Kid!’

‘What was that...not again please. Stop toying with me. Get out! Get out of my head..’ with shivering hands he took out a pill and swallows it without water.

He was terrified, not because he was alone; his solitude hardly matters to him but the fact that he knew he’s not alone. He was feeling weird stiffness around him as if someone is standing just next to him close, very close. It was a full moon night; heavily gasping he took out a neatly made roll, lights up and...Puff! Couple of deep drags. Peace. His heart beat calms down. Gasping and shivering have almost gone. To enjoy the fullest he put on the music on his phone - Enigma’s Mea Culpa...

3^rd drag...

4^th...

And.

....A foul smell fuses with wet concrete and charred lumber rupture his trance. His heart wasn't pumping enough blood to his brain, he was stoned, and smoke makes him unafraid. He flipped his phone and put on the mini torch and enters this large hall, he was constantly looking at the stairs far in the corner leading to nowhere.

As he kept on walking inside, the smell becomes more gruesome. He saw a partially open tattered wooden door, as he was about to open the door, his torch died and he heard a nerve-jangling scream of a woman. Chills down his spine, he was gasping heavily. He stick to a nearby wall and closed his ears. He can’t see nothing but the shadows.

Music continues - Enigma’s Mea Culpa

He was crying like a child, a helpless child stuck in a maze, he patted his phone repeatedly; the mini torch lights up again and brighten up his shirt, only to find it drenched in blood. He was breathless. He noticed his moist hands; his hands were shivering, he put his hand in front of torch, fear prevails instantly. His hands were covered with fresh blood and flesh. Flies were feeding from his blood covered fingers; he was stand still, numb. Zero. Laughing.

He heard the voice again...singing...

“When the lights go out, you’ll have doubt...

You feel something behind, but you can’t find...

You can feel it, you can hear it, and it’s breath against your ear...

But when you turn around, there’s nothing there”

He: Was it terrible?

Voice: No, it was awful. You didn't even properly slit her throat!

He: She was my girl, I...I couldn't be more brutal with her...

Voice: She’s bitch! Listen to me boy; she’s one big time whore. Say it!

He: Yes. She’s a bitch

Voice: Scream it!

He: She’s whore. She’s Bitch. I hate her. She’ll rot in hell........

(Keeps on stabbing her body underneath him)

Voice: Laughing. Attaboy. I’ll be back!

With soaked hands in fresh blood, he sat on his girl’s body staring the very empty stares leading to nowhere....

Music Continues Enigma’s Mea Culpa...

.....Voices are creepy and do exist around and inside us, all the time. They are more like dogs, they come when they are called.

PS: True story served with fabrication!

A Rendezvous...

2014-04-08T04:30:00.000-07:00

Nov 8th, 2006

10:30 PM

Garstin Bastion Road (GB Road)

She was in her late 20's, sitting on a staircase leading to her veranda. Her shapeless body didn’t go too well with what she wore; her belly was peeking out from her black Ed-Hardy deep neck, sleeveless t-shirt. With hollow cheeks and kohl clad empty eyes, she tried too hard to cover her chapped lips with a magenta lipstick outlined in a much darker shade. She was strikingly fair above her neck – Thanks to some cheap foundation she put upon her face. Comical, yet Tragic!

And she said with a big smile on her face, “Mardo ko sirf mutth jhadni hoti hai, ham aaaaah..... uuuuunh... karke kaam jaldi nipta dete hain…”

This nonchalant, bold statement instantly caught hold of my confidence. I was sitting right in front of her on an old couch, unusually nervous. She, on the other hand, seemed to be enjoying the whole situation and her dominant status in the conversation; I can feel the blatant dominance in her voice.

Background Music: ‘Pardesi, Pardesi...jana nahi...’ from Raja Hindustani.

“Kuch piyega?” she questioned in a kinky tone. I had heard stories about how they injected you with AIDS infected syringes, castration and so on. “Pepsi,” I mumbled. She brought me a fancy glass with the drink, at which I stared.

Sensing my disapproval to drink in that glass and to ease the situation, she clarified enthusiastically, “Ye glass sirf customer ke liye hote hai!” I retorted, “Main aapka customer nahi hun.” She smiled and quipped, “Nahi hai to ban jaa na.” I smiled back and ignored the whole thing.

The ambience was dark, filthy and chilling enough to terrify even a tattoo clad Casanova. Nearby on the floor, two kids was playing Ludo, ignoring what is happening on those 6x6 wooden cubes just above them. This very scene made it all too clear; sex is not a taboo for them but a profession, inherited at that!

As I was sipping some of my drink, a balding man steps down from one of the cubes and I got a chance to sneak into the room. On the floor was sprawled a lousy bed sheet. The room had a perpetual stink of used condoms and bidis. It has a dustbin, some water in plastic pouches, a charred window, newspapers used as tissue papers and a small radio – probably to block the voices.

Suddenly she interrupted, “Aap likhte ho?” I nodded, to which she said in a very pitiful voice, “Hamara roz rape hota hai, hamari marzi se....sex karna aacha nahi lagta, roti kamani hai na to sab karna hota hai.”

When we come back to the seating area, the bald guy gives 200 bucks to her, places a kiss on her cheeks, looks at me in disgust and leaves. “Ye hamara regular customer hai...iska jaldi ho jata hai,” mocking the way he cums!

Cut the foreplay, it’s all about basics here. Sex means: Pull Up. Pull Down. Open Up. Pop In. Few Minutes and Game Over!

We talked about many things, weird things for the next 20 minutes. She told me about men’s fetishes,- bone chilling, disgusting fetishes! She introduced me to her sister ‘Aleena’. She’s not more than 20. “Hindi mein likhoge ya English mein?” she asked me. I smiled and replied, “English mein...aapke liye hindi mein translate kar dunga.” She innocently smiled back.

As I was about to leave, I asked her name politely. She replied “Kya sir, randiyoon ka naam nahi hota” and thus annexes my neurons.

I asked her name to one of the pimps standing downstairs the brothel. “Adeena”, he replied. A beautiful name indeed! I couldn’t resist the urge to research the meaning of the name.....

‘Pious’, it was!

From tit-bits of one of my early days interview spree...

Metro Mayhem!

2014-03-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

Standing in the middle of the door with horde behind, Intense looks combined with narrowed eyes, I feel like King Leonidas. Standing Fearless, standing still

And then..

‘Spartans, prepare for glory!’ I scream in my head just a few second before I am going to get off on Rajiv Chowk station! :|

As much as I hate travelling in metro, I love looking at people, laugh and then kill them in my head multiple times, precisely with Head Shots!

Metro is all about Mob and Mobile and here’s kind of people you probably met or you’ll going to meet, and yes don’t forget to keep your cell phones back in your pockets because, “Life is what happens when you are busy playing candy-crush”

1. Smart Ass: Can’t tell you how much smart their asses actually are, but one thing I can vouch for their pretentious skills. Blank faces. Calm as Cows reading ET, Coelho and yes our EL James, with that ‘Oh-I-am-convent educated-and-better-than-anyone-in-this-bogey’ looks. They flip 10 pages while talking on phone and that too WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING at it! Incredible!

2. Corporate Cows: Well dressed. Neatly ironed LP shirt paired with fitted trousers or skirts, they smell good, sophistication pouring from their faces. They always fidget with their laptops and yes they make faces, disgusting faces, they’ve got amazing variety of expressions. If you are lucky enough you’ll get to see a woman doing this stuff. Visual delight!

3. नमूने: ‘Models’ as we proudly call it in English, Ironically they behave in the same manner. Certainly the most abundant and entertaining species, clad in super jazzy outfits carried away with a cool-walk throughout the metro from one end to another. Sporting head-gears bigger than their heads, checking out their newly discovered cheek dimple, hard earned jaw line, biceps, comparing height with others, cleavage meter, duck faces and the list goes on. Fun to watch!

4. Love Birds: What could be more eye feasting than watching two love struck people teasing each other, guy’s over protective stance in a bogey full of skirt chasers, girl’s rare and extra lovable gesture, and telling people that he’s no more in the friend zone. Aawwwwwww....hooowwwww Keewwwttt.... :|

5. Hyperly active coll gangs: At one moment they make you feel all nostalgic and the next moment you feel like crushing their faces with bare hands. They are annoying and loud, their idiotic one-liners are directly proportional to how much people are smiling at it. Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate, that’s what they do, trying way too hard. :|

6. Skunks: They just stink. Some smell like a soggy stray dog. You’ll love to watch a women expression when trap between those skunks and that too early morning. The blend of their sweat mix with oil clad hair combined with unwashed clothes supported by depressing and rude continues announcements will certainly charge your morning up! Better than caffeine :P

7. Sadist: Mightiest of all, slapdash! They love breaking ‘Emergency Button’ hymn, every time they see a virgin Emergency Button. Put their middle finger in the hole above the sliding gate fantasizing their deep dark secrets, Fickle with collected dead bodies of wasps inside the tube light panes. Torn away the black rubber in between sliding gates and guiding map on the side mirrors while digging their nose......they remind me of Cape Fear’s Max Cady

........और ऐसे ही कुछ चूतिये लोगो की वजह से; guys like me are now depriving to see some pretty faces around us in the same bogey. :|

Moral of this piece: ‘Too much people on this planet, we desperately need a new plague’

Pakka Indian hai!

2013-10-03T02:17:00.000-07:00

Talking about India, ‘Unity in diversity’ is probably the most lovable and adaptable phrase when it comes to define it in the shortest way possible. With more than a billion natives residing in 29 states and 7 Union Territories, the unity is indeed a massive task to maintain. Ask me a week back, I would have given the credits to our Hindi Gaalis (Abusive Language) to maintain the same but lately I get to know about one more thing, a thing which depicts who we are, a thing which hold us together from ages, a thing which we are famous for in the West, a thing which we follow blindfolded…

‘Our Irrational Behaviour’

Talking about us, we Indians, undoubtedly are the most ‘intelligently-skilled labors' in the world, surveys have said so. For me an Indian is the one who is born to do outsourced jobs. Unfortunately we are famous for our not-so-cool-famous behaviour. Some enjoy it, while some curse it, some nag about it and some of them write about it.

Indians love:

1. Cursing their own government: People love doing this. Your stray bitch gives birth to 6 puppies, blame government. Your flame dumped you, blame government. Your spouse gave birth to a baby girl, blame government. You are unable to go to Europe on a 10 day vacation, blame government. It’s an easy way out to get over with your short term misery and make your inner self feel all relax. Cursing your government is a good thing; ‘Constantly Cursing’ your government is a psychotic thing.

2. Bragging their mortified real life, virtually: This one is classic, people putting up status, mourning the death of their beloved ones and Alas! Their friends liked the status! People treat social networking sites more of their spouse, they whine on it, nag on it, share moronic views, and upload ugly pictures. To get what? Likes and Comments? I know guys who can get you 500 likes in just 0.50$

3. Enrolling kids into IIT/IIM: We subconsciously believe IIT/IIM is the ultimate redemption, ‘Mera beta 9th se FITZEE join karega fir 12th mein 98 aggregate lane ke baad IIT crack karega, uske baad CAT mein 99.9 percentile lake IIM A se 40lac/annum ki placement leke kisi IAS ki ek lauti Doctor ladki se byaah karega aur US settle ho jaega’

4. Staring: No matter what age, no matter how you look our eyes don’t discriminate women. Be it in public transport, in restaurants, on the road, inside the car or auto, we love staring! I call it ‘The Great Indian Stare’ In a country like India, which lacks in creativity, which is quintessential for advertising to grab eye and balls, a woman is the best vertical to promote the product, because stares tend to triple if you’re both blond and attractive.

5. Sex crazy Godmen: Follow a god is overrated; following god’s own mediators imported directly from heavens is IN nowadays. Ironically, they prey on their disciples, especially kids. Still, people love them! Why? Because they use their D**k to bestow their followers with beneficence.

6. Splurging millions on wedding: So that our zillions of in laws and millions of neighbors came with a bouquet and eat some of the best cuisines, chat-pakodi, golgappe with butterscotch ice-cream and shook their legs for some moments just to embarrass the couple and themselves.

7. Eat Drink and Breath Cricket: Period! If anyone says they watch cricket for nail-biting moments and thrills, run away from there, they are lying. In-fact they don’t really know why they watch it. FYI there are sports, more thrilling, more real and that too in a much lesser period than cricket. Bellator to be precise!

8. ‘Tu janta nahi mein kaun hun..: I always wonder whether, that is an eagerly asked question to get a funny reply or mere a test of someone’s general knowledge. Certainly the most quoted desi-one-liner of India, amusing us with the amount of humour it carries with itself.

9. Groin: When get bored; people do groin inspection, in full view of public, checking if it’s still there. Some are sophisticated they use pockets to make necessary adjustments. Please do try this only at home.

On the contrary, I don’t understand why girls put up their ugly-looking display picture on Facebook, especially when their boobies are peeking out from body hugging Tees. Just a random thought!

Selfishly Selfless?

2013-03-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

Get this straight in your head - Being selfish is generous, in-fact it's much appealing than being a kind soul. It’s addictive and truly acceptable. Once you taste it, there’s no coming back. Though my vocab is as good as my listening skills, I pity some of the English words for not being understood as they should be; Selfish is one of them which people often mistaken for stinginess and that’s take them way beyond the realm of foolhardiness.

Lack of knowledge is the mother of misconceptions, and this word is the mere victim of the same. Selfish, what everyone in the world is, it’s the universal truth. Being selfish is a human nature, telling someone to not to be selfish is like telling someone to stop being human.

Not only we humans, the so called almighty is also seems selfish to me, she/he didn’t create the world primarily for our benefit, she/he did it for her/his glory and how she/he wants us all to worship her/him, and anyone who does otherwise is sent into a fiery pit. Its not me who’s saying this but our sacred Vedas and Puranas. By the way did you just noticed I put the she and her before he and him? If you know what I mean.

I think selfless is just a word, a superfluous word unlike selfish, which is real, unlike selfless, which is more of an illusion. Bragging about your selflessness is like bragging about your virtual life.

“Chiefly concerned with one’s own interest with the total exclusion of the interest of others” That’s how the free dictionary defines Selfishness and yeah we have done it so many times or doing so in our daily life. You don’t believe me, do you?. I have mentioned few points among countless examples below to highlight the tit-bit of our so called selflessness.

1. Despite knowing the fact our parents will never let you do such things, we get laid in our early teens to make our inner-self feel good about our sexuality; and as soon as we get the big O, we don’t even give a flying fuck about the hard written rules, emotional promises and blind trust of our parents.

2. We rock carelessly and roll bluntly to feel-good without even care of our fist size heart, two bean shaped kidneys and a sting ray shaped liver.

3. In our early childhood we used to enjoy and easily got distracted with the company of that toddler who’s got the biggest arsenal of GI Joes, without even thinking of your friend next seat, who always turn up early in school to reserve your seat in advance.

4. We dumped our partners relentlessly for others without even caring about their feelings.

5. We switch companies for our own benefit and companies too recruit better employees for their own.

6. Even, we make friends according to our convenience. You’ll never befriend a strange person until or unless you get something out of it, it could be anything, your emotional support, your physical support, excuse to feel good, your crime partner, a reason to smile, a reason to get rid of tension, your stress buster. Etc etc..

Most of you be like “this is not being called selfish ok, get a life. It’s the way we choose to live our lives, in simple words our convenience” Convenience right?

All the above mentioned points have one thing in common, you know what it is? You know what makes us selfish is, the urge to feel-good. You may be the most generous person on this planet, but if you even WANT the feel-good feeling by giving, you are selfish.

Selfishness and feel-good factor walk hand in hand, but when it comes to sacrifice self-sacrifice to be precise, selfishness takes its last breath. Yes, I believe it’s only when you tend to self-sacrifice for anything you are entitled to be a selfless being.

The day you obliterate the feel-good factor and infuse neutrality, you are entitled to be a true. altruistic or rather a sage. The ability to perceive outer world and your conscience are the only thing which separates a selfish brat from a self proclaimed selfless soul.

I think the problem lies within us, we are the victims of the rules we live by

Just Chair!

2012-10-29T03:08:00.000-07:00

"I feel like crushing your Butt. Allow me to sit on your face, then you'll know how disgraceful and annoying it is", probably this is what your chair is thinking every-time you rub your a** on its bare face. Do you ever realize how much this thing curses you every day? Turn back and look at its innocent face, pleading you to sit somewhere else and asking you to reduce some weight. Just think of this horrible scene, a BIG ugly a** jumps on your face without prior notice BAM Splat! The life of a chair is only to serve to different a**es every other day, provide you comfort and some FUN (if you know what i mean). I think it surely envies your pillow and cries the whole night but also wipes its tears thinking of toilet seat next door.

I know some of you do have this sympathetic feeling for your beloved chair, but believe you me; the chair we are talking about is one of the most desirable things among human beings throughout the history. Where emperors called it "Gaddhi", our servant aka politicians call it "Kursi" and poor students call it "Seat" and it’s kind of funny to see that everyone is fighting for a mere chair, kings for "Gaddhi" in fierce battles, politicians for "Kursi" in dirty elections and students for a "seat" in a cut throat competitions. What do you think, is all this worth fighting for a chair - seriously? The thing is that a chair is not just a piece of timber made to serve your a**, it comes with an immense power and as they say with great power comes great responsibility. A thing that goes unnoticed everyday everywhere is actually synonymous with power, funny isn’t it!

The size and stuff of your chair is directly proportional to the power you possess. Heavyweights get one tall, Italian leather engulfed multipurpose adjustable chair, puppets get multicolored five legged moving chair and an unpleasant immovable plastic thing goes to the servants. Chair is an integral part of making people elite, be it in your home, work place, parliament, VVIP lounge, Churches, Multiplex even your car’s front seat is always taken by some influential one, True?. A chair has this special skill of turning ordinary into extraordinary and the effect is instant, faster than speed of light; I call it

‘Chair effect’.

When it comes to power of its own, chair is somewhat similar to a woman. Have you ever seen or heard the ability of a revengeful woman, (Watch I spit on your grave) you'll get to know, the power of chair is worse than this horror. Like a woman, It has the capability of turning a man into beast and a beast into a well behaved man, like a woman it has the capability to become a reason for brother bloodshed, like a woman it has the capability to initiate verbal/non verbal/cold /nuclear wars but also, like a woman it can make a man content and shape him to achieve what he desires for. With the introduction of lunatic design chairs, chairs became similar to a stunning trophy girl, it can now delight your living room and like a female boss it can eat up your whole a** at the same time

(Say bean bags, an obese version of chair)

But as they say not everyone is born with silver spoon, same applies to a chair too. Let me explain you with an example, There’s a chair in White House presidents office waiting for world's most powerful a** and here's your chair crushing beneath your ‘

good-for-nothing’ a**, cursing you each and every passing moment and waiting for another fat a**, big a**, rich a**, bitch a**, ugly a**, tiny a**, flat a**, porn a** and so on to serve next...See that's called destiny ;)

You are not powerful, but it's your chair that is. You are nothing but a commoner without your chair, so respect your chair and reduce your weight! Now. What are you waiting for? Requisition letter? Get up you lousy shameless creature and let your chair breathe.

I really wish to see “chair” as one of the synonyms of “power” at-least in Microsoft Word ;)

a** = ass :P

Hence Proved (Part 2)...:|

2012-07-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

A piece of advice: Before going through this convo kindly click on the link http://kayblogwala.blogspot.in/2012/03/hence-proved.html or else you’ll feel like watching Matrix Triology without Audio :D

Girl: Hey Honey! (in a very heart melting tone)

Boy:Yes my love, tell me.

Girl: whatcha doing?

Boy: nothing, just cleared another level of the new game I got.

Girl: aah of course.

Boy: so you done for the day?

Girl: naah, not yet got an hour more and then got some free time. For now got a while so thought of
speaking with you.

So, what did you do the entire day?

Boy: day started in the noon, and then did some of the usual stuff went out to get the new awesome
game CD and well spent the next hours playing it, more like killing it( happiness personified with the last
statement)

Girl: that’s a very “you” day. Didn’t you go out somewhere?

Boy: thought of, but then landed up doing what I told you.

Girl: I see!!

Boy: well also I wrote a new piece today.

Girl: you did? Good. Whats it about?

Boy: a telephonic conversation. A little about us, and a little made up (giggle)

Girl: telephonic aaye? Which one? And made up? Definitely. To make it appealing, you’d do that.

Boy: want me to read it out?

Girl:yes sure, go on!!(eagerness in her tone)

Boy: (spends next 15mins reading it out to her)

Girl: no shit, so you think I am a nagging girlfriend? Is it now?

Boy: (silent) no baby, I don’t. ok you know what I am going to delete it. (clicking sound)

Girl: no no no no, I was just pulling your leg. Its fine. Don’t delete it.

Boy: too late now. I already did so.

Girl: oh I know you, you just saying so. You wouldn’t delete your writing. Anyway if you did. Just recover

it back. Now.

Boy: no no I am serious I did delete it. Its gone now. Shift+Del.

Girl: crap. U are nuts. You know I was just kidding.

Boy: I didn’t want to make any point out of that writing, it was just for a gag. Nothing more. I didn’t
mean to offend or upset you Honey.

Girl: of course I know that baby. Is there no way you can recover it back? (really feeling sorry)

Boy: aah, well I think I didn’t blow it completely. I just got it again.

Girl: see, moron. I knew you wouldn’t. just some extra drama, and you write about me being dramatic.
Hmph!!

Boy: oh no, I did delete it. But I checked the recycle bin and apparently I didn’t press Shift+Del, it was
just with the mouse, I deleted. I usually shift delete everything. But since I am talking so got mobile in
one hand and mouse in another. So just the basic delete process I did.

Girl:yeah fine. You know what?

Boy:what?

Girl: I am going to reply to your writing with another writing by me.

Boy: are you? Like a continual conversation?

Girl: correct.

Boy: and what are you going to write about? On how pathetic and sloppy of a boyfriend I am? Right?

Girl: true that, but no I will write about this conversation. The one we are having now. This very
conversation. ( a big teeth showing smile)

Boy: oh no, you wont!

Girl: why not?

Boy: err. Well ok go ahead write it up.

Girl: muaah. And then you can post it in your blog.com. (seemingly happy)

Boy: yes sure, I will. And then I will write a reply to that one, and then you write a reply to that one and
then we shall be the ones who create this awesome internet-telephonic –chat-massacre !! (sounds like a
three year old kid)

Girl: Geez! Ok if you say so.

Now you see, how the nature of a guy can change over just a matter of a single conversation.

Doesn’t matter how strong, how much of a stud, how buffy the guy may be. There is always this one
side of him which we woman always, ALWAYS get it out of them. But sometime the guys forget that its
only cuz of that one woman in their life they let loose of themselves and their feelings. Which definitely
doesn’t make them gay or a puss, but instead makes them loved and cared more.

I believe its ok for a man to let loose of his feelings. And a lot of you women out there will agree on that.
And so will you misters.

PS: this conversation is not at all made up, its how loveable he is!!

The Writer is a Photographer !

By: Aarti Pekette

Probable answers of unanswerable questions !

2012-05-26T01:58:00.000-07:00

Women can't help being Inquisitive, they are born with this annoying trait, at-least most of the men think so. But you can't deny the fact; it is a man who evokes a certain degree of curiosity among women. However unanswerable their questions may be, interestingly you can find a similarity in the kind of questions women usually ask men. I always wonder how can it be possible? Imagine a huge server of women brain, attached with each other, exchanging similar data with the speed of light in Terabytes each second, sounds like Skynet. Read the article further to know the repetitive questions and their probable ANSWERS..!!

Question 1: Why are you always think about "Sex" not emotions?

Probable Answer: Well that's a tricky one, but a time to confess some things, and I know most of the guys reading this would agree with me. Like women are blessed with motherhood, we men are cursed read BLESSED with an unusual drive towards sex. We just can’t help it, it’s by default, and I think we are more lenient to our testosterone level. Talking about emotions thing, Yes, we do have plenty of emotions, we feel hungry you see....

Question 2: Why are you not expressive enough to speak your heart out?

Probable Answer: Before I speak my heart out, I too have a question,” Why is it so essential for women?” means it is our mistake that we are born in a male clan without having excessive emotions, just because your hormones gets you weepy all the time you except us to behave in the same way. Ok, the thing is we take time, situation and place to share and to talk what is occupying our mind. One more thing stop comparing a MAN with your heaps of Metrosexual male species, it leads to severe trauma....See, who says we are not expressive....

Question 3: Why you keep getting angry/abuse in traffic?

Probable Answer: This question doesn’t need any explanation, not because it’s evident, but i don’t want to write an Epic..!. Bikers left side overtake, turtle speed on highways, unwanted honking, topsy-turvy auto rickshaw, raging trucks and a vehicle with a women driver, what else one could want to experience one bad road day. Just look through a broader vision, how many idiotic reckless people are driving freely on the roads, even the super chilling AC in your car won’t help you cool your temper. We know the abuse is limited to us only, but what to do, it’s the only way to vent your frustration out. We don’t want our beloved ones to suffer our wrath. Got it, you better do. Move to the next...

Question 4: What do you tell your friends about me?

Probable Answer: Nothing is the word. This is the new girlfriend type question which I don’t know how to tackle, if you tell everything about your woman which include some pre defined adjective like beautiful, one of a kind, humble, down to earth, kind, lovely, sweet, smart, intelligent, caring, adorable, stunning, head turner, gorgeous mmmm....let me take out my dictionary, she thinks that she’s nothing just an arm candy and if you don’t talk about her, she thinks that you are sceptical in the relationship, she is bound to accuse of you of not being sure about her. So my lovely ladies we need a perfect timing to puke about you. We can also give you the freedom to tell us what they want us to talk about with their pals.

Question 5: Why don’t you compliment me for my hair?

Probable Answer: This one actually creep us out. But still the answer is there are many more things to compliment her about, why do we waste our time on complimenting a thing which usually remains the same? New colourful streaks, shinning and bouncing hair, end of split-ends, fringes, seriously? It’s seems eye feasting in TVCs only (Television Commercials) with multiple effects of light, camera and graphics, same goes for your mascara, eyebrows and nail paints. We generally tend to give compliments when you are YOU, not one Diva, so stop expecting compliments on such mundane things. You yourself are much beyond than your makeup box.

Conclusion: The questions are inherited; you can’t actually evade but simply tackle them. ;)

Hence Proved...:|

2012-03-18T03:19:00.000-07:00

*A Telephonic Convo*

Girl: Hey Baby (With a cute, heart melting tone)

Guy: Yeah..

Girl: Where are you?

Guy: Mount Olympus in Athens, Slaughtering Zeus Immortals…..(sloppily )

Girl: What What What…?

Guy: Playing Video Game, forgot its 12 in the night…

Girl: Stop being sarcastic OK..

Guy: Me, Sarcastic. Why would I be sarcastic…(Confused)

Girl: I don’t know, ask yourself

Guy: But I told you what I am doing…

Girl: You wouldn’t understand, chuck it..

Guy: Then make me understand honey…

Girl: Please, don’t pretend to be one romantic caring and concerned

guy. I no longer feel the same closeness in your tone.

Guy: May be because I am sitting some 20,000 Kms away from you….(Smiling)

Girl: You are being sarcastic again

Guy: Alright, I wouldn’t be sarcastic again…Swear on my PS3 (Finger Crossed)

Girl: *Again* that means you were sarcastic earlier too, I can sense
negative vibes from your side…

Guy: Now, what makes you sense these VIBES…

Girl: My heart says so…

Guy: You didn’t tell me that you are in talking terms with your
heart. How often? (Laughing)

Girl: See, here you go again. Shove your sarcasm up your a**

Guy: Ok fine relax, I wouldn’t throw sarcasm….swear on my BIKE (Finger Crossed again)

Girl: Oh good lord, now don’t raise your voice, I am telling you

Guy: Did I, did I.

Girl: Now you are, why are you yelling

Guy: Because you are getting intolerable…(Frustrated)

Girl: I knew this was coming, you aren’t same anymore. You have changed

Guy: How can a fucking guy change overnight…(Grinning)

Girl: Speak like a sensible human being first and dare you raise your voice…

Guy: My love, My Princess. I am not raising my voice…(high picthed)

Girl: You don`t have to say that so loudly. I am not deaf

Guy: Neither Dumb…(Fuck Yea)

Girl: I heard what you just said….

Guy: Please, I beg you. Beg you for my life. What do you want (Crying)

Girl: Just be yourself, Baby

Guy: I am being myself for the past 10 minutes (Sighing)

Girl: No, earlier you never would argue with me..

Guy: I am not arguing…

Girl: Shut up. I don’t know why I feel like that you want to dump me…

Guy: Dump you? Holy shit…Where did this shit come from…(Frowning)

Girl: Yes, that’s what you want to do. I know, you have a fetish for

single girls…

Guy: Alright, how can you be so sure about it..(Straight face)

Girl: I don’t know, I just know..

Guy: How can you know, when you don’t know…(Straight face, Grinning)

Girl: I don’t know. Stop pissing me off

Guy: Sorry, what should I do now…(Helpless)

Girl: Nothing, just keep loving me & stay away from your distracting
Video Game..

Guy: OK….Didn’t you say it a little earlier…(Poker Face)

Girl: No, I like drama. Today I had a craving to tease the shit out of you…

Guy: Means it was Pre planned….(Rage face)

Girl: Yes..!

Guy: *Emotionally* you wasted 30 minutes, spent US$ 10 and made me

feel like “Why I am living on this planet, what I am, Why I am here”
for your BULLSHIT, IDIOTIC CRAVING…… Why, please tell me why..

Girl: Because I Love you, I knew you wouldn’t get mad at me.

Guy: Really, how much do you love me? (Smartly)

Girl: How much do you think…

Guy: Well, a lot of course. I know you wouldn’t kick me if I commit
the greatest sin in this whole universe..(Secret Smile)

Girl: Exactly, my love

Guy: & I know it too that your love will be intact if I tell you that

throughout our conversation I played Video Game….(Trolol)

Girl: You Shit face. Bye. Dare you call me ever…

*She disconnected the phone*

As much as you enjoyed reading this mindless, senseless, aimless
conversation, I so hated being a part of this…..(Though I secretly
cherished the tit bits)

But the reason being I type this out here is to tell you one thing.

Beware of Women; they can over shadow even the most brain storming
problems of Trigonometry, Integration, Differentiation and Vectors in
Complexity.

PS: The convo is partially made up, she’s actually quite Lovable…

I Love you, I'll Kill you

2011-12-10T07:05:00.000-08:00

March 7, 2011

For the very first time they made their prolonged eye contact. He smiled and she smiled back, the affection, excitement and the gaze in their expanded corneas have dismantled with an unexpected brake of DMRC’s metro.

As the female announcer announced the name of the station and other annoying repetitive lines, he pushed the other passengers’ to be on the platform facing her with a fake frustrating smile on his face, with an embarrassing two finger bye pose. Her eyes stalked him from the side big window of the metro as he slowly walks onto the stairs.

As the days passed, the distance between them was getting thinner. Every day they met in the same metro, on the same time and at the same place. The girl boarded up just a next station to his. They never had verbal connection, though.

After playing the hide and seek & shyness game for hefty 1 month, the guy finally asked her out for a coffee, She agreed.

He asked her name, she remained quite...

  After 2 months.

  May 7, 2011

They both became very good friends, even more than friends actually. They’d share talks, food, drinks and so many other things. Over the time Girl started liking him as someone special in her life and so did the guy. She never did tell him her name, though....He accepted it in that manner.

Once they both got highly drunk and the girl uttered some hidden secrets about her, she told him that why she hasn’t told her name yet, only because she does not remember her actual name. She told him that she doesn't remember anything before last year July. She lost her parents, friends and other special people in her life in this gap of a year. She never figured it out how it had happened and when..?. He holds her hand and proposed her, while looking into her deep dark eyes followed by giving her assurance to make all the efforts to bring back her lost memory. She was overwhelmed with his efforts and the way he understood the whole scenario, tears rolled down from her cheeks, she grabbed him and accepted his proposal.

As they hugged each other, he simply whispered in her ears "I've got you, AGAIN, Anna..!" and smiled.....

Now, the Real story behind this Love Story... !

May 24, 2010
1:30 PM

Jay: Can i have two tablets of Anisomycin please...?

Kay: So you gonna meet her today...?

Jay: Yeah.

Kay: But why you cunt..?, she's a big time whore, I had told you on the very first day but you...

Jay: Let it be Kay.

Kay: OK, so why these two tablets...?.

Jay: Its an inhibitor of brain protein synthesis which......

Kay: balls to your fucking annoying biological terms Jay, come straight.

Jay: It effects on your memory. It's a cure for your haunting memories, lets make it more simpler "Complete Memory Loss".

Kay: WHAT...?, are you in your senses. what the fuck is in your mind. You’ve gone mad or what.....

Jay: Is there any other way to cope up with this Trauma, tell me

Kay: But..?

Jay: I want your support Kay not advice, this time please.

May 24, 2010
9:00 PM

Jay: Come on one more sniff, May be this would be your last one with me, please for our relations sake.
Anna: Jay, stop being a frustrated emo guy, would you act normal, It's OVER already so no mind games.
Jay: are you serious Anna, this time, yes i am. You mean there wouldn't be any way to get back with you ....
Anna: NO, what part of my statement you don't understand Jay. See Jay you are a very good person, but you do know about my mood and taste swings, can't help it.

Jay: 3 years Anna, it’s been fucking 3 years and you come up with this reckless statement, please Anna don't, please I am begging you.

Anna: Go fuck yourself, Looser. I'll never ever be with you again atleast in this life, you understand.

"He whispered: You will, if not, i'll make you to do that.."

Anna: & here' goes the final SNIFF, not that you requested me to do so, but for my liberty, this would be the sniff of my life and for your better future.

She fainted after 10 minutes of over excitement; Jay gave those pills to her........!

Now, what would you call it True Love, True Addiction or a Pure Fortitude.....

;)

She was the GIRL, once...!

2011-12-10T07:03:00.000-08:00

She was drop dead gorgeous, always smiling, counter attack specialist, her neurons flew faster than the speed of light, she had money and above all she knew every single bit of a species called GUYS. (Except me & Karan), I’m not flaunting but she actually didn’t.

Though, I hate her to the limits for no reason or may be for her over smartness, she’s the only girl in my circle with whom I didn’t share my number. My friend ‘Hell boy’as I call him (reciprocal of the name KARAN is NARAK, narak means Hell so …I gave it to him) was after her.

She had tons of money, she wore Jimmy Choo and Aldo in a time when we guys vigorously flaunted our Action and Campus pairs. Her white SUV (Safari) had the 16 channel stereo system. Her dad was a broker or something like that, a big fat fish in the ocean of trading.

Karan, a guy with superb brains a masculine built, third most infamous Casanova in our PATHSHALA. I always wondered why the hell this Chutiya was after her. I was standing next to her in Mojo, a well known pub in DLF City Centre, Mehrauli- Gurgaon Road & he proposed her, & she agreed. She now had all the necessary things in personal or professional life to be happy each and every minute.

She had the best guy, best car, best friends and above all the most annoying enemy in the form of Kabir. The only thing which I adored in her personality was, she never flaunted. In short “Porsche GT Carrera 911 never shouts….it seems.

Time changed so did the GIRL and her attitude. She became more dominating and my poor friend became more DECENT. A guy who never cared about the timings and other shit when we guys roamed, drank, smoked Joints, and Senty talks, suddenly changed into Moma’s or you can say Gf’s well cultured, decent Kid. She dominated him as hell, she made him what he hated to be once. We guys started calling him a Well Trained Dog.

Now, She Owned Karan, She Owned Money.
& I, I was moved on from the shit.

3 years later, Today

She’s now working in some multinational company in US to live her luxurious livelihood, a girl who used to throw sarcasm, who never spoke sweetly to any darn one, is now interacting with n number of different people for no reason with a pleasing smile and unwanted formalities and sugarcoated talks. She’s become a PR. Now, she flaunts everything ! and it varies from her Cell phone to her new branded bra. Money controls her profession and the way she lives. Today, the money she owned once, owns her.

Karan, finally gave up and left her. A girl who never really cared about her guy in a decent way , who never listened to him, despite of having a mammoth friend circle she never introduced him to her friends except a few, is now cribbing for him every single guy, she cries, she yells and sometime she behaves like BTM’s (Behanzi Turn Modern). She actually FLAUNTS about the number of guys that are after her, Karan is still in touch with her but in some other way, HE made her a Long distance slave. Today, He owns her, her emotions, her lifestyle.

Despite of having so many guys and becoming a self proclaimed hot cake in her office, she’s alone. All alone except for some of her Imaginary friends, may be.

There’s a quote from one of my all time favorite film David Fincher’s Fight Club, “The things you own end up owning you.”

& yes, It truly does.

PS: Though, my hatred is still intact. I really wish things will go simpler to her. She was cute actually.

PPS: In the fond memory of “SHE”

Woman: Beyond your Imagination...

2011-12-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

What is the first thing that come into your mind when I say "Woman"..?. I chuckled and he landed up saying the worst ever quote “A source of getting a couple of seconds of orgasm”. I was like….. SHIT. For a moment I felt like bashing up his head with the scotch bottle, lying in front of me.

Most of us guys are bastards, without any single doubt and I don’t feel ashamed of saying it because we are born with this instinct only.

What do you think about a woman?

A lil cute homo sapien engulfed totally in pink attire, who loves eating bunny shaped chocolate and drool over clean shaved macho man.

A fool who cries over stupid little idiotic things.

A tool which has the capability to screw the nut bolts of your so called cold heart.

A reason behind the entire massacre that took place in the past.

A skilled artist who knows how to spend your money without guilt.

A better competitor than a guy who knows how to grab opportunities, before you do.

NO…..

She’s faaaaaar better than guys and I don’t need a reason to explain why? Just close your eyes and think, think till your brain has forced your heart to accept the truth, the ugliest truth. Like I did.

I wrote all these annotations with all the perspective of a typical male chauvinist Indian guy, no offense. I hope you’re not of them, but sadly I am one of them. I agree on the first and the last remark of mine.

Its 3:30 AM in the morning and that quote and its author are just stuck in my mind and all I want right now is a loud speaker and a microphone so that I can yell out aloud; "Chutiye that’s the reason why you are always cribbing for one single girl in front of me every single time we meet".

One advice for you for your good PERSONAL life, my liquor friend,

Respect her value
Admire her beauty

As she be a caring mother, a loving spouse, a beautiful daughter, a naughty sister and a savior grandmother

Some of you may deny this and some might get offended by the time you finish this, keep living in denial. But as a non required adviser I suggest one thing for you, change the way you look at a woman or else…

“Your hand lines will soon gonna disappear and get carved at some other place”. Get that; and if not good for you and if you actually get the message behind this line copy it and paste it in your life as per your convince

Though they must be a little crazy species in some areas of life, I whole heartedly respect them.

PS: Beside the above mentioned incident someone ask me to write some good stuff about girls,and here; I did

I don’t have a Blackberry, but life YES…..

2011-09-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

"Guy’s and Girls who own Blackberry, Android, Iphone, Galaxy or some other high end cell phones and in the age group of 16 to 25 please don’t go through it….."

Caution: content may lead you to write Sh*t about me, as it always does…. ;)

“Tell me your BB Pin…” asked by a random girl on Facebook. “ I use Nokia 1600” I replied. “Lol jeeta kaise hai tu….(Lol, how can you live…?) ” She wrote. “I breathe, eat, drink, socialize, plays Video Games, Soccer and sometime Parkour (free running), I have real life friends with whom I roam around to every other corner of the country, have at least 6 full time head turner girls, and a respected designation at my work place…..what else I want”……….Tu kaise jeeti hai….( how can you LIVE),” I literally backfired. Speechless she was and left……..

Just look at her statement “Lol jeeta kaise hai tu….” Clearly shows that her life revolves around her 3 inch BB screen, BBM and some inbuilt useless non required apps.

I wonder what exactly is the need of buying a high end cell phone, who the hell are you CEO of a multibillion empire, who needs to be online 365x24x7 so that all the known CEO’s of multinational companies get in touch with you OR are you some kind of a vendor providing all sort of service on any given day and time OR you don’t know when your psychotic boss demands you to come on video conference call?

NO, so who, I mean who are you…..!

Nothing but a “Flasher”….. =))

I have seen a lot of people sitting in front of their desktop or laptop updating their facebook status via “Blackberry”….Yeah so that some 800 OMMPH chicks get to know -Wowwww he has a BB- …..means he spent some 10K just for be into so called mainstream of the Dudes and Dudettes….. :P

Lamest excuse for buying a high end phone,

I can listen to so many songs and my friend said the audio quality of BB is classy….

Errr….. chutiyeee, buy an Apple Ipod instead naaa..Spend 6k you’ll get touch screen with 8 GB memory and as far as the sound quality, Apple is second to none.

One more super lamest excuse,

My Mobile phone has the best-est camera quality 5 megapixels…. :|
The irony is, most of the people don’t even know what exactly megapixel is all about, but all they do know is -greater the number of megapixels the better the camera quality would be-

I Appreciate It…. =)). You waste more than 20k for it…not worth…..spend 10k and get a new Sony 12 Megapixel one… :P

My point being, phone is meant for receiving, dialing and cutting the calls and in the worst situation, texting…… I have never owned a high end phone yet reason being, I don’t need one. If you can avail the basic necessary features in 1000 bucks with a FM embedded in it, a flash light and moreover a 5 day long battery.

To be very true, handling a high end phone is more complicated then handling a girl. If you lose your girl you might have chance to be with her again but Cell Phones…….

Your cell is allergic to water, your girl isn’t -well in most of the cases-…. :P

In the end I am going to state a self made quote…. ;)

“High-end cell phones are the latest invention in killing your expensive time which values more than the money you spend on buying it” ~ KB

PS: No matter what, I love my Nokia 1600…. =))

Govind Tiwari, Kaa baat hai tumhari...!

2011-08-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

That's what I call the power of what we say "The Social Media"...

Some idiotically edited pictures embossed with a number of Gruesome and ear-bleeding songs..

decorated with "Jajjy" stuff and that's it.....

His blog has been shared over 30,000 times on Facebook.

According to some website experts he could have easily made some 15,000,00 Indian rupees in just a Day..!

1.5 Million US dollars, Pheeeeeeeeewwwwww.........!

Twitter, be prepared, here I come..

:)

50K or else...!

2011-07-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

-Hypothetical situations, people and ARTICLES make me behave or write like a completely normal Psycho-

This could be one major blow for most of the guys, read: non B.Tech, MBA, MBBS, MCA guys, in short “Fukrey Launde”. I was just going through a random newspaper’s daily magazine; saw an article in Bold and Red font which said - nearly 70% of Indian women who live in metro cities, expect their partners to earn somewhere around 50K per month, also 20% wanted to marry a man earning more than 100K per month…!!.

After staring at the headline with a dull expression, for a moment I was like…………F***. I mumbled while releasing the most unstoppable natural force “Pee...” in the Loo, “Kabir tu to beta saari umer Bachelor rehne vala hai considering the fact that the above mentioned hypothetical figures 2011 mein hai, after 6 years it could be double”. Now, don’t think I am gonna marry a girl in the next 6 years.

And like a hopeless pessimist I am, I said, “Koi na Veere there’s still a good chance of getting married, I still have remaining 10% girls”. But, being a media professional I always consider or at least look upon the negative sides too. Then I thought -what if the remaining 10% girls belong to some uber rich family background where they spend 50k or 100K on their monthly rejuvenation which will be Makeup accessories, spa, and other artificial & non required things.

But again, when there’s a will, there’s a way. OR I would rather say, when there’s a will, there are so many Relatives. Jokes apart, I have mentioned some advice below for you to tackle this forthcoming dilemma, that how can we; “we the poor guys” marry our future partner in such circumstances.

Trust me; I am good at giving advices, though I never implement them on myself.

If your testosterone level is abnormally high try to fall in love with some RICH girl, if you’re not one romantic chap, pretend to be in Love, serious love.

Go and try your luck in some “do numbari ka kaam” and make enough money to be in 50K vali league.

Be Proud. Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye…..and say Balls to your stats, I am going to marry Megan Fox or either Adriana Lima.

If, sadly, you’re not able to perform the above mentioned tricks & you’re among one of us “Fukrey Laundey” & still you want to get married, I suggest you one thing….

Marry your best Male Friend, Looser....! (Vaise bhi in four major metro cities, on an average only 887.5 females are there on 1,000 males)

One more thing; if you women expect that we men should earn somewhere around 50k to 100k, be sure enough that you’re worth EVERY penny.

Now, don’t tease or pretend to be one super cool Dude/Dudette by asking the super lame and expected question, “How much do you earn Kabir…?”

Keep Earning...!!

May be I am, May be not......WRONG..!

2011-06-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

So, before explaining or uttering some logic on some existing myths and on some fairy tales in our "Religious Indian Society" one thing I would like to tell is that through this piece of crap I don’t want to hurt anyone’s so called sentiments and beliefs, but I am bounded with my in born instinct of hurting and playing with people's emotions – Unintentionally – so can't help it....:P

Ø People say there are some 33,000,000 gods and goddess in our Hindu mythology; I’d rather say full-time Gods and Goddess!

I always wondered how it was possible; how one could calculate the actual number of Gods, knowing the fact that there was no ZERO system in that era. Invention of ZERO took place in India by Great Mathematician Aryabhatta some 1500 years ago. So if the above mentioned number is true, then I’ll say the counting of our Gods must have happened somewhere around 1200 years ago from now OR either Aryabhatta invented a time machine travelled all the way to “Satyuga” and told the actual number to those people.

Second, if the above mentioned numbers of Gods are true then I must depreciate the reproduction skills of human beings, because some 2000 years ago human population was around two crore! It means the ratio of human is to God would be 1:16…… 16 Gods per human….....*Peace Everywhere* ….: P

Ø People say our Gods spoke in Sanskrit, wore well designed gold Jewelry and would put up at some mountains with their respective “Vahana” or mount...

Well if this is the case, I would like to tell you that Sanskrit arrived in the Indian Sub-Continent from the north-west some 4000 years ago from now, Sanskrit is a member of the Indo-Iranian sub-family of the Indo-European family of languages. So logically how can our "Eternal" Gods speak in Sanskrit OR either God would speak in non verbal language?

How can they wear gold ornaments, when Egyptians found and made use of gold only some 5000 years ago?

They say Gods reside on The Great Himalaya's with their respective mounts, But I don't understand how a Cow, or a peacock and a mouse could survive in the extremist condition of The Himalaya's, how could a tiny mouse carry a huge hefty God…

One more thing, How come our Gods never choose a mount which is not found in India, for e.g. Cheetah, Kangaroo, Zebra, Giraffe and Hawk…..Partial they were, may be…. :D. In addition, I always wonder, did these animals exist in that era...? I mean the present elephants, tigers, lions, peacock and many other animals came into existence some 5000 years ago…..but I can’t deny the fact that the early ancestor of these animals came into existence some 50-70 million years ago.

Ø Some say Gods are eternal and existed from the beginning…According to our mythology Lord Brhama created Manu, the very first human being - some million or billion years ago –

This seems a little awkward knowing the fact that early humans or I’ll say Homo-sapiens came into existence about 200,000 years ago, reaching full behavioral modernity around 50,000 years ago…

After going through my “Logic” if you put some “Logic” of yours too you’ll see that Gods and Goddess existed somewhere around 5 to 6 thousand years ago, Didn’t they?

Through this I am not mocking on Gods or on some invisible mean of support, but yes on You, Your beliefs and Your thoughts, Theist’s…. :)

Once a great American Writer & Naturalist, Joseph Wood Krutch has said that "Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence”

May be I am, May be not... WRONG!!

Dedicated to all my Theist friends and foes …

With Love, Wit and a little Sarcasm…

Typical Guys are inversely proportional to Typical Girls

2011-05-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

It seems like ages since I wrote here! Even though I did peek in every two days to check out the stats.

So, before I start. Girls please don’t get offended, as this Blog is not for YOU, Hopefully…

What would you call a guy, “Typical guy”(Not Metrosexual’s) who is surrounded by 16 “Typical Girls” (Not Chicks) for unthinkable 10 hours at his work place...?

OMG...!, What..?

One Lucky Ass..!

Casanova..!

Skirt getter..!

King of Harem...!

One pitiable, mentally dejected psychotic guy (In such circumstances...)

TYPICAL GIRLS are Intolerable, trust me. In-tole-rable.

I’ve had quite some time to think about what kind of Girls are right for US, The guys, The typical guys, to hang out with..

1. One who has her priorities straight, Excluding getting married to a Fair, Rich g(a)y.
2. One who can set goals and complete them, Except getting a new haircut done with pedicure and manicure.

3. One who cares about herself atleast, Excluding spending an hour in front of mirror just to go out and drink at a place like Morrison.

4. One has to be matured enough to understand a Psychopath, It seems that younger ones are quite dramatic.

5.       One who has confidence in what she does & it includes everything, EVERYTHING.
6.       One whose a Rambo of sarcasm & has a nice sense of humour, but the sad truth is only 10 % girl understand Sarcasm, out of which 2% backfire.
7.       Undeniably a girl whose got a nice pair of eyes & legs. Smile and B..B……………….Brains.
8.       One who can act like a Lady ONLY when needed. I love when girls uses “F” word in rage
9.       One who doesn’t thrive on GOSSIPS, but sadly its unrealistic.
10.   One whose more interested in your future than your past and present, and sadly they actually DO…=))

Well now thats some criteria for "the perfect Girl".

This is my view, everybody else’s preference may vary but then again……Views are like Assholes..!

But then, I would love to say YES, I have met a GIRL like this.

Yes, She knows it too..;)

प्रेम दिवस पर एक विशेष भेंट...

2011-02-19T01:20:00.000-08:00

Statutory Warning: प्रेम में पागल युवक, युवती कृपया करके इसे पढने की कोशिश ना करें, विषय आपको मानसिक रूप से ठेस पहुँचा सकता है | इस कथा के पात्र "काल्पनिक" नहीं है...

The Dude: You know what i mean, i mean i kinda....i mean ..don't take me wrong ok well the thing is .....

Chammak Challo: You love me right....!

The Dude: Yeaaah......i mean not love i mean i kinda ...yeah start loving you सच्ची मुच्ची वाला

Chammak Challo: Are you serious..?

The Dude: Yes i am, you think i am an fucking psycho insomniac who spent his nights talking rubbish for the past 11 months..but the thing is..

Chammak Challo: I don't believe....that you're such a

The Dude: Sweetheart, I know...:)

Chammak Challo: NO......a Lazy Skunk...:|

The Dude: ?

Chammak Challo: Yes You are, you fucking lazy so called romantic wannabe brat...

The Dude: But..but..what have i.....

Chammak Challo: would you please shut your stinking mouth, asshole...i am already committed to someone.

now all of you must be thinking....what has this poor dude done and why is this smart Chammak Challo losing her temper?... he met her 11 months ago, started liking her in just 3 months and then waited for 8 whole months to say what he feels and finally on 14th of February he uttered the above shit.

So the morale is, Never wait for any special day or opportunity to take decisions, rather make a regular day special.

Lame, yes it is.

Valentine's Day, i would rather call it "Emotionally Challenged Day" indeed. I don't know why guys and girls are getting super excited from the beginning of the most annoying month of the year. So many non required irritating days, with their respective branded cards (Except the Fuck you Day). I always wonder how powerful the marketing and advertising think tanks are, fooled educated masses for 15-20 days.

I don't really understand, does it really make any difference if you ask a girl out particularly on 14th FEB, does it..?.i am clueless in this matter but as far as i know, being single on the most horrifying and formality laden day is an achievement in itself and enjoyable too, trust me.

Logically, if you think, you'll find out that the real essence of valentine's day is enjoyed most by the Super Singles and you know why, because they are Super Singles atleast they have choice to choose....=))

And i proudly shout out that i have survived Cupid's arrow for the 22nd time.....=))

PS: For more detailed information related to this self made slang "Super Single" Poke me anytime...:P

PPS: Through this i never meant that who celebrate V-day are big time Morons, but Poor

For all blunt and brutal Singles.

All hail Advertising..!

Cyber lingo : The making of KEWL.

2010-12-23T05:55:00.000-08:00

Before writing anything about cyber Lingo I would like to share one of my experiences related to that only..:P…‘ASL’, typical cyber slang, frequently used by the newbie’s while chatting. It looks normal to most of you out there but this word means a lot to me (In a Bad/Embarrassing way though). So some 10 years from now in 2000 when I was 12 and made my first Yahoo ID. Getting a virtual source to interact with n numbers of girls in the era of MTNL telephone was like heaven, you could do whatever you wanted fake names, fake profession, fake SIZES =)) and that too very confidently and yes you could also write tuti futi Angrezi it wouldnt matter whether it made sense or not but atleast you were happy to see a girl drooling over your so called Angrezi.

So once I was in some random chatting room in a Café and buzzing every single girl, expecting a single reply. A girl named I don’t know but her Id’s name was BlackCatforyou…(sounds more like a punch line of a Condom Campaign), she replied back with a cute smiley and I was like YEEEEEEEEeeeessssss…….

Kabir: Hi
BC: HI
Kabir: Who are you (actually meant, how are you..)
BC: Confusing Smiley
Kabir: My name is Kabir ()
BC: Your ASL
Kabir: Laughing out loud vala smiley (Actually, I didn’t understand what she was asking and I didn’t want her to think that I was Dumb..:p)
BC: I mean what is your ASL with (Confusing smiley)
Kabir: It’s All right (I genuinely didn’t know how to reply back..Poor me.:p)
BC: “LOL” with a straight Face..
Kabir: ThanXxxxxxxx..(Sadly I didn’t even knew the exact meaning of LOL..:(..)
BC: Jerk (and Left)..

That 10 minute conversation had cleared one thing in my mind that if you really want to grab the attention of the girl or any guy then you HAVE to learn some slangs. However, I have used all these but in some other way (Mere kareebi is statement ko jyada kareeb se jante honge)

Over the period Those Ultra Cool slangs have gone through some drastic changes (Nokia to multi utility Chinese phones, likewise), special thanks to our Ultra Modern society for the modification and raping the language, through which people can judge the mental level of the person, Angrezi…:P…

LOL turns to LOlz followed by Lolx and then again followed by LolXxXXxxx….?
What’s Up turns to Waz up followed by Waaza…and finally conclude at Wad up…?
Innocent “You” turns to “U” and then followed by “Uh” to “Euh”……
Pic to PiXxxx..
ROFLMAO (Hats off to the inventor) Combination of ROFL + LMAO….:|
Me turns to Meh
My turns to Ma and Mah..
Love turns Luv and Lurv….
Thanks turn to Fanxxxx..:|
Sorry to Sowwieyyy..:’(
And here comes the Super KEWL among all…Cool turns to Kool then Kewl and now Kewlxxx….:(

This one thing, turns me off, it doesn’t matter how hot or classy the chick is …
These are few words which all of you people have seen and may be are using in your daily life, I am not categorizing anyone … bust mostly people do as this because the beautiful cyber world is full of dedicated and hardworking Followers..:P. Don’t try to be a Centre of Attraction by writing SHIT or raping the language BUT, Try to make the Situation atleast that much interesting so that you will automatically become C of A, indeed.

PS: Guys/Girls with superb Photoshop edited DP’s, Emo’s and Frustrated Desperate Lovers are more into this.

PPS: I find Hahahahahahahaha…more expressive than ROFL, LMAO and LOL..:D

ROMANCE : The Nude-Lhi style!

2010-12-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

There’s something between Delhi’s bone tickling foggy winters and Romance, Neither was I high on alcohol nor did I have any green leaves before writing this as many of my friends would surely think after reading the very first line of my very first VIRTUAL SOCIAL SERVICE. Well, this one goes for all the Romantic (Emotionally Challenged) guys and girls. Though I have never been into it but as a responsible citizen of My Delhi I really can’t see guys and girls spoiling their memorable moments (memorable till the next one) at some deep dark caves of “Purana Quila”, in the dense bushes of “Lodhi Garden” and under the shade of a huge boulder of “Rajghat”.

So, to make their steaming moments more sweltering in a ROMANTIC way though (Sexy way mein nahi) this winter and that too “Sasta aur Jugaadu...” Here are some tips to make your date feel special in full “Nude,lhi Istyle”

- Nothing can beat the road side Chicken Kabab’s in Delhi’s winter and if you’re with your partner its genuinely amazing to see the fog come out of his/her mouth while talking or eating with you in the same plate with bare hands. The essence of the whole scene automatically increases when you see her eyes full of tears due to the spicy kababs and her unclean hands craving for the water.

So the moral of the tip is “instead of spending big bucks spend some quality time with your partner, kisi aache se road side dhabbe pe murgi khake…”

- Adrenaline Junky couples can go for a bike ride on 172 Kms long Ring Road, it doesn’t matter what bike your guy has “Hero Honda Passion se lekar Yamaha R 15 tak koi bhi chalegi”. Delhi is infamous for its heavy fog and if you’re one of the dare devil kinda guys who is willing to take the advantage of it then ask your girl to take a glimpse of Delhi in foggy night. Though don’t be a super hero till someone forces you to be like one (Delhi is a rape capital also, by the way). Ride your bike as slowly as you can “Itni dheere bhi nahi ki speedbraker pe hi chad na paaye”. The pleasure and the warmth between both of you will be totally gripping.

- warming hands on a bon fire at any random isolated place with so many “mungfali aur ghajjak” in your pocket or anywhere and eating them after baking them on the fire is the most amazing thing you can do with your partner. Aur agar saath mein BIDI ho pine ke liye to bus Icing on the cake..The thrill, the romance will and ofcourse the smoking intensity (literally) will be unforgettable. Peru aage likh dio

- Last but not the least, walking hand in hand on the by lanes of Aurangzeb Road after 9 PM under the wide stretch of Tamarinds trees on the dried leaves scattered all over the pathway. Foggy enough to feel the smog on your face. (PS: Don’t utter any shit, remain silent )..

May be this article will help you out this winters to TURN ON your partner….

PS: I write only on seasonal / in demand topics..

The “Spirutenment” (Spirituality + Entertainment)

2010-12-06T11:39:00.001-08:00

A scene at a social gathering with thousands of people under one roof (Mostly married women with their teenage daughters) for an unknown purpose in a well known temple.

Lady 1: “Aaagayiii…” (Background score of some typical Hindi spiritual Bhajan along with the Temple bells ringing)

Lady 2: “ Haan, Mummy jee ne aaj Khana khaya nahi aur jaldi soo gai, bacche tution chale gaye aur aaj to “Bidaai” bhi nahi aaega to meine socha ghar mein akele bore hoke kya karungi yanhi aa jaati hun…” (Music continues…)

Lady 1: “Aacha hua tum aa gayi main bhi yahan bethe bethe bore ho rahi thi, vo deepti ki mummy toh ajkal Namaste bhi nahi karti jabse Mrs. Verma ki kitty party mein jaane lagi hai….”

Lady 2: “Dekha meine to pehle hi bola tha, pata hai uski beti abhi 10^th mein hai aur saaaraaa din phone se chipki rehti hai, hamari bhi toh pinki hai (Pointing out her daughter, sitting next to her who is busy texting with a thumb without even looking at the cell screen)……..

After going through the above crap many of you might think that I am a Misogynist, well fortunately I’m not. If you already get the real essence of what exactly I’m trying to convey through this above Hindustani Aunty gossip then you’re ABNORMAL. (In a good way). Well, I am talking about “Spirutenment”. I know it sounds bizarre but this self made word is getting on my nerves ever since I was 10 and attended one such gatherings with my “Pados vali aunty ji” .

So, before explaining the word “Spirutenment” I humbly request to everyone neither I want nor I have any intentions to hurt anyone feelings or sentiments (for time being though).

Every time I saw anyone go to a temple, Mosque or any other spiritual places or gatherings, I always asked myself “Do they honestly want to go a shrine to pray? Or is it just a façade in the name of god? A habit or a psychological mean to satisfy one’s mind ?”

I have seen so many people 6 baje Subeh Subeh, Nange Paer, formals mein, ek haath mein Lauta which is full of milk (when I say Milk, it sounds milk, it smell milk but it’s not milk 20 percent dhudh aur 80 percent Nalke ka Pani) literally running towards a nearby temple with an expressionless face (Maybe Biwi se ladaai hui ho)…

Ye Phuul maala kitne ki hai Chotey” (after investigating for 10 minutes among hundreds of same fuul Maalas)

“10 rupaye Babuji” (A shivering teenage Garland vendor sitting just in front of the temple walkway)

Roz yahin se 8 rupaye ki leta hun aaj seedhe 10 rupaye, Naya aaya hai kya” (His big fat Woodland wallet must be ashamed of the situation)

Well, he enters the premises of the temple and a sudden change takes place in his personality. He holds the Lauta swiftly with both the hands (Jaise Namaskar Karte hai) and then there is an outburst of fake decency in each and every move. Dhere Dhere Chalega with a cute smile on his face. He’ll firmly bend down and touch the rough entrance of the praying area before entering into it. (Maybe to show some respect to GOD)…but he’ll never forget to rub his hand on his trousers secretly. (Saala Naha kar aaye they Dove se, Haath Gande ho gaye)…and if unfortunately he happens to meet one of his friends, then the lamest question in the whole universe will be asked. “abbey tu yahan kya kar raha hai..?”,

I wish someday koi chilla ke bole “chutiye ladkiyaaan dekhne aaya hun, subah subah Ladkiyaaan Baaal dho kar aati hai to SEXY lagti hai”…=)).

Well, his devotional side vanishes (Gadhe ke sarr se seeng ke maafik..) as He bows his head in front of so many gods and goddesses talking to his friend and same happens with the friend.

Vo laute ke bare mein to batana hi Bhul gaya…

Saare Bhagwan Ji ke age Natmastak hone ke baad he goes with the so called ‘Milk’ which is to be poured on lord Shiva’s idol. Saalon dilli ki sardiyon mein 6 baje koi tum pe thanda paani ya dudh dale kaisa lagega!!

Then he starts chanting ‘Om Namah shivay’ softly and well loudly enough ki atleast, pass kahde padosiyon ko pata to chale ki ghar se chilaane aur galiyaan dene ki kitni bhi aawazey aati ho, magar mein ek saccha aur andar Dharmik purush hun..:p

After that he puts a Lamba vala tika on his Forehead and walks away with an overripe Banana (Prasad mein jo milta hai)

Coming.Outside the temple a small kid asks him for a rupee (I’m not sure vo ghutkha khaaega ya use jod ke raat ki roti khaega), but the guy will simply ignore him and continue eating that rotten Banana and will rush away with his mobile placed between the left ear and shoulder. Maybe its his boss yelling at him…

BUT

Does he go to the temple to really pay respect to the almighty? and what happens when he reaches the office ? Boss replaces the idols?

Through this, I do not mean to generalize and state that everyone is the same as this man but also I don’t feel ashamed while saying that most of the people are.

Stop Formality atleast for what you believe in(blind Faith rather) .

Whether it’s going to a temple, praying to your favorite GOD/ Goddesses, doing your work, making love to your girl, driving a high-end bike or even greeting someone…

Don’t do things forcibly just to complete them, Do things for your own pleasure…..;)

PS: I am a hardcore Atheist..:)

Delhi's Blue Line, read (Films) Buses.. :P

2010-11-30T11:22:00.000-08:00

So,I would like to dedicate this blog of mine to my Non-Delhiites friends and foes, as they don't get the pleasure to ride in our world famous Blue (Film) line buses, but If anyone of you is planning to visit the capital city this winter then add one more thing to your list... a two hour ride in BLB (Blue Line buses), ONLY if:

- you're patient enough to stand/sit continuously for an hour just to cover 2 miles.
- you're bold enough to hear ear bleeding abuses
- you wear any branded deo....
- you are used to G-talks in your home/ Office/ Gf/ Ex Gf/ Ex Ex Gf etc etc in short ..ladkiyoon ki kachar pachar

Now, if you're ready to start the journey of a lifetime, I'll introduce you to some interesting situations - How to invent a Gaali, How to make 1 or 2 hour friends, How to spit from the window without touching the glass pane... One can easily absorb some unique and latest trends too.......All You Need Is To Open your Eyes and your MIND...:P

- First step i.e. to enter into something is the most hardest thing (Dimag ke Ghode na Dauda)…So this self made phrase is 100 percent fit in case of BLB’s. If you’re trying to get into one, you can see a number of stuntmen hanging outside the bus may be from the swarm or may be from the SMELL…:P. Ab Gadhe Ka Baccha Marta Kya Na Karta, somehow Dhakka Mukki ke beech you successfully landed into another world with variety of people, smells, accents, complexions etc etc….

- If you’re lucky enough you’ll surely get a seat (Faujiyon ki dress vali cover seat jiske niche se Bhusa nikal raha hai Brown color ka). And I’am pretty sure you’ll be so happy because the warmth of the sun in Delhi’s winter season is more pleasurable than an orgasm, Trust me. But after 20 minutes of halla gulla and shor sharaba in the 15 x 8 machine you’ll be amazed that the bus stand still, only the man on the driving seat holding the giant steering wheel with a 502 Pataka Bidi in one hand and with the second hand on the gear keeps pressing the accelerator harder so that the already frustated people have some respite (vo kehte hai na Tadpa Tadpa Ke marna). Finally when your forehead becomes a lil wet you’ll hear the sound of “Tak-Tak-Tak”……

- Haaan to Tak Tak Tak Karne vale Hero hera Laal hai, the protagonist of one of the most costliest vehicles on Delhi road’s, Apne CONDUCTOR. Generally Tall, Dark and repulsive with lots of lottery like things (Tickets) in his one hand and “Chillars” (Coins) in the other. His multi-pocket white Cargos have something Uber KEWL written over the left bum, tightly tied at least 6 inches above his naval with an ornate buckled belt. (Meine Napa nahi hai jus random guess) with a nice Janpath’s Abercrombie & Fitch material tightly tuck into it. “Haan Bhaai Paache Tikaaaat Bolio…”. (Haryanvi accent). Do take out 10 bucks or whatever the journey costs and give it to him. He will then fold your 10 rupee karara note into rectangular shape( Like the way Log note ko shadiyon mein Udate hai Lamba karke) and put it into the huge bundle of notes……Tak-Tak-Tak ki to baat bhul hi gaye, this sound made by Conductor Bhaishab with a 5 rupee coin on the glass next to his seat, is the indication of conductor to driver to run the bus. The rate of tak tak is directly proportional to the speed of the bus….Remember..:p

- As your journey goes on you’ll experience many accents, a variety of jeans, a cache of latest chinese mobiles, some 80’s Kishore Kumar music running somewhere all mixed up with the sound of the engine and the shattering sound of windows and in between you’ll surely hear the word ISTAAAAFFF…….(A slang, generallyused by the self proclaimed BADMAASH and college students to make a free ride). And as the proverb says never miss an opportunity to learn something new, you’ll learn some coolest galiyaan ever for e.g. ***** ki ***nd mein **** ka **, ****** lele ****** ke , Muh Mein **** Mera **** …….So I mean you can learn variety of things…Now moving on to most interesting stuff..

- When it comes to girls, Delhiites never miss a chance and a place like a crowded bus in a traffic is like icing on the cake. Here the probability of touching or poking a girl by any random guy is directly proportional to the brakes made by the driver. and when I say a guy it means all the guys it doesn’t matter how smart, cute or educated he looks - he never misses an opportunity. Unfortunately we delhiites believe the famous quote “Opportunity knocks once in a lifetime”. Some give the excuse of heavy bags, some say Madam Picche se Dhakka aa raha hai Kya karu.., Some happily touch their legs with the girl’s, some use the defending instinct and Mauka lagte hi Hath se Hath touch, Pocket se Mobile Nikalte hue Ladki ki back touch, Haath mein Ghadi pehnkar bhi Cell Phone mein light jalakar time dekho..=))

- When you’re going to reach your stop, stand next to the driver and make eyecontact and say Bhaiyaa Rok ke Chalna….You say Rok ke Chalna, but he’ll never stop the bus untill or unless you’re a super hot chick or a Machoman…

Interesting facts about Blue Line Buses:

1. The surname of the owner of almost every BLB is Tyagi or Singh

2. When a conductor tears your ticket in the middle, it means you owe him some rupees.

3. BLB’s are also known as the Killer blue line, claiming over 100 lives per year

4. In the month of May to July end, the average temperature in the cockpit is around 48 degree

5. Despite of the facility of world class Delhi Metro, BLB is still the main source of commuting in the city

6. And now in some days BLB’s will be a part of history as the Delhi Govt has decided to eradicate all of them..

Adios.!