By James A. on October 26th, 2009
I am convinced there is a conspiracy involving the “Paranormal Activity” hype.
I heard all the raves and the hyperbolic statements, like ” ‘Paranormal Activity’ is the most terrifying movie you’ll ever see,” or some crazy thing along those lines. So Saturday I went to see the movie, which was reportedly made for $15,000. And what I saw did scare the hell out of me…because I realized that all the hype was complete bullshit — and if it was authentic, then the world is full of idiots who have no idea what a good movie is.
“Paranormal Activity” was the most boring, un-terrifying movie I ever sat through. The rest of the audience obviously felt the same, as halfway through, people began blatantly talking on cellphones or to each other, and no one cared — not even me, and I hate when people do that in a theater. It took thirty mind-numbing minutes or so for the first scary moment to occur: a bedroom door creeks. That’s followed by such terrifying moments as a loud bang, footsteps, an even louder bang. During one of the movie’s supposed “big moments,” the audience actually burst into laughter. After the movie, we all filed out of the theater feeling ripped off, with a number of people saying out loud what a horrible, worthless movie we had just sat through. If “Paranormal Activity” scared you at all, it is probably because you have never seen another horror movie in your life. Or you think ladybugs are scary.
“Paranormal Activity” is as exciting as watching people sleep. Why is that? Because most of the movie takes place as the terrorized couple — Katie and Micah — sleeps.
This movie, which felt like a cheap online student film, has been getting such insane Internet buzz that it came out of nowhere and landed at No. 1 at the box office over the past weekend. Really? Really? Come on, really? I have to applaud DreamWorks for mounting what must be one of the greatest marketing schemes in history — and obviously paying off plenty of reviewers and 12-year-olds to talk the movie up on Twitter and Facebook.
Don’t believe the hype: “Paranormal Activity” is a snooze fest. The Internet has lied to us again. (Save your money and instead rent “Drag Me to Hell.”)
By James A. on August 28th, 2009
Whenever I use the bathroom at work I panic. No, I don’t worry that I won’t make it to the toilet, or that I’m going to catch someone “peeking,” or that I’m going to slip and my mouth is going to fall on some guy’s dong. I worry that I’m going to be a victim of mistaken identity. Here’s the scenario: I walk into an empty bathroom and it reeks to high heaven, like the last guy in there had a Mexican atomic bomb drop out his ass. Then, as I’m walking out, in walks someone else, who, naturally, thinks I’m the stinky culprit. When this happens, I feel like one of those guys who spends 10 years on death row for a crime he didn’t commit. Oh, the injustice!
By James A. on August 26th, 2009
If Satan wants you to do something, but you were going to do it anyway, are you still a minion in Satan’s Army?
By James A. on August 25th, 2009
Have you ever taken a wicked dump, checked out the bowl, and felt swelling pride? As you stand over the toilet, teary eyed, the dark, bold stench of your waste invading your nostrils, you feel like a parent whose child has just made the honor roll. You think about getting a bumper sticker that says, “I am the proud parent of a five-pound bowel movement that stunk up my house for three days.” This happens to me at least three times a week. My bowel movements are my greatest achievements. As they are flushed away, I salute them. “Godspeed, crap!”
A nice, dark, pile of your own feces can be quite impressive, a work of art. Of course, another person’s crap is plain disgusting. That’s why a parent can love an ugly child. Just like that ugly child that massive log in your toilet is your responsibility. You created that shit. You gave birth to that load of crap. If not for you, it would not exist. So, don’t be ashamed, take pride in your shit. Go out there a create a masterpiece of feces.
By James A. on August 5th, 2009
I finally conformed and joined the Twitter craze — and what happens in just a matter of days? All my inane tweets have been deleted! There has been no explanation. No trail of evidence. Did I piss someone off over in Twitterville? Or does Twitter have occassional glitches that wipe out everything you’ve written?
Fuck Twitter! Who needs them when I have Blogzarro!!!
Filed under: News | 6 Comments
By James A. on July 29th, 2009
- While on safari, never wear leopard print.
- The absolute, surefire way of getting out of jury duty: Confess to whatever crime the defendant is accused of.
- If a child asks you where babies come from, never draw a picture.
- Here’s how you can save money on magazine subscriptions: Get AIDS…and then read all the magazines at the doctor’s office for free!
By James A. on July 27th, 2009
Why are people still visiting Blogzarro.com?
I haven’t posted anything in months and the site is more popular than ever! What gives?
By James A. on May 24th, 2009
I was going to do something about my apathy, but then I realized I didn’t give fuck.
By James A. on March 9th, 2009
JOIN BLOGZARRO’S FANTASY BASEBALL LEAGUE NOW!

Fantasy baseball season is here and Blogzarro is joining the fun. Of course, we’re going to do things in a Bizarro fashion. So the Blogzarro Ball League will reward failure, bad play, and general crapiness. Think the New York Mets in September 2007 and 2008. Hit a home run and points are deducted, blow a save and receive points. God forbid you pitch a perfect game (-100 points). But lose on a regular basis and you’ll be Blogzarro Ball champ in the end. That’s how we play in Blogzarro Land.
The league is open to anyone who wants to join.
There will be only 12 teams, but we’ll make room for more depending on the response. Once all the teams have joined, players will be auto-picked.
In order to join the league, follow the link below, click the “Sign Up Now” or “Get Another Team” button and follow the links to “Join a Custom League.” When prompted, enter the League ID# and password below.
Join Here: http://baseball.fantasysports.yahoo.com
Password: htrea
League ID#: 99935
