I am convinced there is a conspiracy involving the “Paranormal Activity” hype.

I heard all the raves and the hyperbolic statements, like ” ‘Paranormal Activity’ is the most terrifying movie you’ll ever see,” or some crazy thing along those lines. So Saturday I went to see the movie, which was reportedly made for $15,000. And what I saw did scare the hell out of me…because I realized that all the hype was complete bullshit — and if it was authentic, then the world is full of idiots who have no idea what a good movie is.

“Paranormal Activity” was the most boring, un-terrifying movie I ever sat through. The rest of the audience obviously felt the same, as halfway through, people began blatantly talking on cellphones or to each other, and no one cared — not even me, and I hate when people do that in a theater. It took thirty mind-numbing minutes or so for the first scary moment to occur: a bedroom door creeks. That’s followed by such terrifying moments as a loud bang, footsteps, an even louder bang. During one of the movie’s supposed “big moments,” the audience actually burst into laughter. After the movie, we all filed out of the theater feeling ripped off, with a number of people saying out loud what a horrible, worthless movie we had just sat through. If “Paranormal Activity” scared you at all, it is probably because you have never seen another horror movie in your life. Or you think ladybugs are scary.

“Paranormal Activity” is as exciting as watching people sleep. Why is that? Because most of the movie takes place as the terrorized couple — Katie and Micah — sleeps.

This movie, which felt like a cheap online student film, has been getting such insane Internet buzz that it came out of nowhere and landed at No. 1 at the box office over the past weekend. Really? Really? Come on, really? I have to applaud DreamWorks for mounting what must be one of the greatest marketing schemes in history — and obviously paying off plenty of reviewers and 12-year-olds to talk the movie up on Twitter and Facebook.

Don’t believe the hype: “Paranormal Activity” is a snooze fest. The Internet has lied to us again. (Save your money and instead rent “Drag Me to Hell.”)

So Ben & Jerry’s ice cream has turned gay. And homosexuality never tasted so delicious. Well, not since that Snap, Crackle and Pop gangbang.

But gay food isn’t anything new. I long suspected Boston Kreme donuts of being queer — every time I eat one I get creamy jizz all over my face, and my attempts to marry one have been blocked by the state legislator.

Other (possibly) gay foods:
Fudge
NutRageous candy bars
Bananas
Kumquats
Swedish Meatballs
Cream Puffs
Semen

(8 votes, average: 6.63 out of 10)

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Whenever I use the bathroom at work I panic. No, I don’t worry that I won’t make it to the toilet, or that I’m going to catch someone “peeking,” or that I’m going to slip and my mouth is going to fall on some guy’s dong. I worry that I’m going to be a victim of mistaken identity. Here’s the scenario: I walk into an empty bathroom and it reeks to high heaven, like the last guy in there had a Mexican atomic bomb drop out his ass. Then, as I’m walking out, in walks someone else, who, naturally, thinks I’m the stinky culprit. When this happens, I feel like one of those guys who spends 10 years on death row for a crime he didn’t commit. Oh, the injustice!

If Satan wants you to do something, but you were going to do it anyway, are you still a minion in Satan’s Army?

Have you ever taken a wicked dump, checked out the bowl, and felt swelling pride? As you stand over the toilet, teary eyed, the dark, bold stench of your waste invading your nostrils, you feel like a parent whose child has just made the honor roll. You think about getting a bumper sticker that says, “I am the proud parent of a five-pound bowel movement that stunk up my house for three days.” This happens to me at least three times a week. My bowel movements are my greatest achievements. As they are flushed away, I salute them. “Godspeed, crap!”

A nice, dark, pile of your own feces can be quite impressive, a work of art. Of course, another person’s crap is plain disgusting. That’s why a parent can love an ugly child. Just like that ugly child that massive log in your toilet is your responsibility. You created that shit. You gave birth to that load of crap. If not for you, it would not exist. So, don’t be ashamed, take pride in your shit. Go out there a create a masterpiece of feces.

I finally conformed and joined the Twitter craze — and what happens in just a matter of days? All my inane tweets have been deleted! There has been no explanation. No trail of evidence. Did I piss someone off over in Twitterville? Or does Twitter have occassional glitches that wipe out everything you’ve written?

Fuck Twitter! Who needs them when I have Blogzarro!!!

• While on safari, never wear leopard print.
• The absolute, surefire way of getting out of jury duty: Confess to whatever crime the defendant is accused of.
• If a child asks you where babies come from, never draw a picture.
• Here’s how you can save money on magazine subscriptions: Get AIDS…and then read all the magazines at the doctor’s office for free!

Why are people still visiting Blogzarro.com?

I haven’t posted anything in months and the site is more popular than ever! What gives?

I was going to do something about my apathy, but then I realized I didn’t give fuck.

JOIN BLOGZARRO’S FANTASY BASEBALL LEAGUE NOW!

Fantasy baseball season is here and Blogzarro is joining the fun. Of course, we’re going to do things in a Bizarro fashion. So the Blogzarro Ball League will reward failure, bad play, and general crapiness. Think the New York Mets in September 2007 and 2008. Hit a home run and points are deducted, blow a save and receive points. God forbid you pitch a perfect game (-100 points). But lose on a regular basis and you’ll be Blogzarro Ball champ in the end. That’s how we play in Blogzarro Land.

The league is open to anyone who wants to join.

There will be only 12 teams, but we’ll make room for more depending on the response. Once all the teams have joined, players will be auto-picked.

In order to join the league, follow the link below, click the “Sign Up Now” or “Get Another Team” button and follow the links to “Join a Custom League.” When prompted, enter the League ID# and password below.

Join Here: http://baseball.fantasysports.yahoo.com
Password: htrea
League ID#: 99935

So it’s Friday the 13th, a very unlucky day. Kinda like the day that guy went hunting with Dick Cheney.

Chris Brown has finally surfaced. He was spotted in a boxing gym training for his next girlfriend.

It was a gusty day in New York. So gusty that one of Donald Trump’s hairs actually moved.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig says he might punish Alex Rodriguez for using steroids. But can you really punish a guy who’s already schtupping Madonna?

President Obama attended a ceremony the other night at Ford’s Theatre, where Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. I’m not saying Obama was paranoid. But he did spend much of his time there ducking and running in a zig-zag pattern.

(21 votes, average: 5.86 out of 10)
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Have you heard this ridiculous news out of the country music world?

In an interview with Playboy, Kenny Chesney says he’s not gay because he’s had sex with more than 100 women. Hmmm. Sounds like this guy’s trying hard to prove something.

But what the country singer fails to mention is that the women in question all had cocks big enough to choke a pony.

Kenny really believes that all the women he’s bagged proves once and for all that he’s not gay. I’ll be convinced when he stops sucking Toby Keith’s dick.

(25 votes, average: 5.36 out of 10)
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You really want to stimulate the economy? Auction off Bernie Madoff one ounce at a time.

(11 votes, average: 8.73 out of 10)
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Chris Brown missed the Grammys Sunday night after allegedly assaulting his girlfriend Rihanna. But it’s been announced that he’ll receive a special honor at next year’s ceremony — The Ike Turner Award for Career Suicide.

Porn Star Stormy Daniels is thinking about running for the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana now held by Republican David Vitter. I’m all for it. Finally, we’d have a politician we want to screw us.

(9 votes, average: 6.33 out of 10)
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It’s been reported that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003. In his defense, A-Rod says the steroids only affected his ego.

Nadya Suleman, the mom of octuplets as well as six other children, now says she never meant to have so many kids. It turns out she’s just really bad with math.

Christian Bale has finally commented on his on-set hissy fit. He says he doesn’t know why it’s such a big deal — it’s not like he forgot to pay his taxes.

One good thing has come out of Michael Phelps’s suspension from swimming — now he can devote more time to his tribute band…Bong Jovi.

Have you heard Michael Phelps is being courted for a new T-V series? It’s a sitcom called The Bong Newhart Show. They also have a western in the works — that one’s called Bong-nanza. There’s even a reality show on the table…Toking With the Stars. But I think the winner is the urban-themed comedy they’re calling Really Good Times.

(8 votes, average: 6.75 out of 10)
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