BlokThoughts

Teens to Adults - Talk and listen

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Mon, 28 Oct 2019 17:30:00 +0000

Luckily I had the foresight to name this blog, "blokthoughtsnmore". It's so random and more of a journal than really anything else. I have followed bloggers/influencers/whatever we are calling them now about parenting for many many years. Usually it is about their baby, toddler, tween... and sometimes teen... but rarely have I found people talking about their teen who is rapidly turning to an adult right before their eyes and how they go from parent to a guide of sorts. Ya know? I know there is information out there, but not much.

Maybe it's difficult to explain because until you go through it, there really aren't any words for the multitude of emotions that attack you around every corner of this experience.

My son is 17, my daughter now 14. They are at this stage in life where I have to transition a bit of how I parent and it is all together... well... hard. We go from them needing us for every physical and emotional need you can think of, to them needing us on a different level. They mostly can take care of their physical needs, if there was any reason either of them had to live on their own right now, I have every faith they could do it AND not only that but be successful at it. Their friends are taking on a lot of their emotional needs, whether they know it or not. Even though they are gone a lot I still need to make sure they understand they are loved and have a safe place to land while still toeing the line of parent and guide.

When they were younger, if they made a wrong choice or had bad behavior, I corrected right then by my own consequences I delivered based on their action, or what consequences came natural, and let them know why it was wrong and why they wouldn't be allowed to make the mistake/or repeat the bad behavior again. Now though...if they make what I deem a wrong choice, I have transitioned and have felt that my job is to help them understand and work through what motivated them to do it and whether they even want to change it - and how to guide them along that path, so that when I am not there for them to talk to, they know how to do it on their own, in a healthy way and without too much shame or guilt to block them from growing and moving forward. My job is to protect them, yet let them choose and I find that is a difficult thing to try and do or figure out. I want to cocoon them in safety not allowing the world to affect them, but that isn't reality, so I constantly swallow my fear for them and their choices. It's really hard, but NO one prepares you for that, or tells you that you have to flip any switch or that there even is this transition, so a lot of parents just continue to dictate their kids choices and behaviors even as they make this transition from Older Teen to Young Adult and from my side of things, it doesn't go well very well. So now that I am in the middle of all of this, I thought I'd talk about it.

So for the sake of keeping this post short. Here is one thing I have found to work with my kids and this weird transition we are in. My goal has always been that they feel safe to talk to me about ANYTHING. So while they were young, I endured many minute and small insignificant stories, but seemed like a big deal to them, so that I practiced listening and they practiced talking with me as an audience. I know that they will never share EVERYTHING with me, but my hope is that they share most things with me - and then have another safe adult they share the rest with. There have been plenty of times where I have wanted to completely lose my crap from something they told or admitted to me... but I didn't, (well most of the time I didn't, when I have, I have always apologized for my reaction admitting to being imperfect) we talked it through and later, in my bedroom, I would cry or vent to my husband, and then after I flipped out, we would chat about what our next steps should be so that our children understood the freedom they had to choose for themselves, but that we are always here to help them through whatever it is they need. So they feel safe to tell me most things, what they don't tell me, we have agreed they tell someone so they don't hold the hard stuff in and that had helped with this weird transition we are in. We still aren't perfect at this, but the point is we try really hard!

So talking to them, but a lot of listening. Not just when they are young and depend on you for everything and they believe everything you say, not just when it's important, but when it's dumb, or silly, or obsolete. When they want to talk, you stop and take the time to do it. I haven't always been perfect, and at different times I have found that one kid is easier to talk to than the other, it depends on them and what they are going through at any given moment, but we always, always, talk. Because when the hard conversations come, and they WILL come, we are ready to delve into it together and I am in the KNOW of what is going on in their lives, even if it isn't the life I designed in my head they would have, I still am part of it and THAT is important.

Projecting my body esteem fears affects my relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Thu, 17 Jan 2019 19:36:00 +0000

I had an experience, an eye-opening one.

It had been a week into the new year on a Sunday afternoon. I gathered my family around to have a meeting and, of course, I had prepared snacks. It was a spread from nachos to mini-sized oranges and everything in between.

I shout to my 16-year-old son, "Hey! You have to come try these nachos, I nailed it!".

He comes into the room, shoulders a bit hunched and replies in a quiet voice, "Ummm... I'm on a strict eating plan and would rather choose to not try the nachos".

I stared at him and replied, "Come again?"

He said, "I'm trying Keto and want to give it my best effort so am choosing not to partake of the nachos."

A million things ran through my head, but the first to come out was, "When did you start this?"

He said, "January 1st."

I said, "And I'm just hearing about it?"

He said, "I thought you wouldn't let me do it or try to talk me out of it, so I just started it with my friend."

I think what I am most proud of is that I talk with my children, and I feel, they are open to talking to me. Many friends parents have text me to see what is going on with their own kids because they know that my kid talks to me. So I have held some pride in that. So this statement from one of my closest friends, who happens to be my son, floored me - that he did not trust me on this subject to share it with me.

Have you ever felt extremely happy in one moment and then desperate sadness in the next? Because that is what this felt like. Falling from a tall building and landing harshly on the ground defeated.

I have talked and talked with my children about body image, diets, and inner self-reflection, as well as, kindness, flexibility, and understanding that I want them to have with themselves as they navigate their journey in life. I have not hidden my journey with them.

Instantly I feared for his reasoning since the only scope I have to go off of is mine, I was scared he was spiraling into a hole of negativity and shame and I hadn't even noticed or caught on. There were so many things I wanted to discuss at the same time it was difficult to gather all of my thoughts. I was afraid for him, but only because, I knew how diets and my reasoning for being on them affected me and I didn't want him to start down that path, as if his body esteem depends solely on me. I also was saddened that he felt the need to keep this from me to spare my feelings.

I knew my next response was important so I asked, "Why did you want to try/start Keto?" and then I held my breath waiting.

He said something to the following, "I want to be at peak performance when I go into my Senior year of football. I noticed at the end of the season that I was getting tired quicker, feeling sick at times, and my strength wasn't where it could be. I thought if I could learn to fuel my body to up its performance I could benefit from that going into my Senior year. I'm not eating at certain times, I'm not restricting myself but choosing on my own to eat what the plan allows-knowing at any time I am free to deviate. I read all about the foods and the reasoning behind it and I wanted to see how it affects my body for the next 30 days and how my running and lifting are affected, because of what I am eating. I am keeping track of my weight so I know what that is when I feel I am at peak performance. This has nothing to do with changing my body shape, I am really fine with how I look and so are the ladies if you know what I mean (he then winks at me and laughs), I just want to see what my body is capable of. Mom, I've listened to you I know I have to always check in with my body and I want to do this." Obviously, he had thought about this and knew what he wanted to say.

So he was doing this not out of shame for his body but in a way to work with it.

I could breathe again.

So my next response was something like this, "First, no matter how hard you feel it is to talk to me about certain things, you still talk with me-I may surprise you. That is what I most disappointed about, not that you are going on a 'diet' but that you felt like you couldn't tell me. Second, I want to support you, let me know what foods I need to keep stocked in the house and I'll put it on my grocery list. I love you bud, this is your journey, not mine and I wish you the best of luck with it! I would like updates on your performance stats!"

He's kept his end of the bargain so far and I have kept mine.

I'm thankful for moments like this, where I am able to check in with myself - where my kids teach me important lessons. If my son felt like he had to keep that hidden from me then that reflects more on me than him. I need to work on sharing my message without people feeling like they will get a harsh judgment from me if their journey is different than mine.

My journey and my experiences are mine alone. People may understand them and need to hear what I'm saying, but also, their body, their experiences, their fears are not mine and I will not judge your experiences and your journey based off my fears... or I will at least do my best to try not doing that... my insecurities and fears have a way of affecting everything - luckily my growth does as well.

Being measured...Show up, be active, take action

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Wed, 02 Jan 2019 19:58:00 +0000

2019

I found this and thought to myself... this couldn't be more appropriate to how I'm feeling about this new year.

I want to do and be the things that I admire.

I want to show up for people. I want to take action. I want to be active.

And that is my theme this year.

I want to give more time to the things that matter... and to me, that means relationships (including the one I have with myself and body).

I want to "be measured by things I can control, by who I am and who I am trying to become."

I can control so many things in my life, and I yet, more than I'd like to admit, I fixate on the things that I can't. It's funny how human beings do that.

Isn't it?

So to start, I want to continue to show up for me, healing on the inside and taking care of myself so that I can be available to others.

Self-care is continuing on my Instagram page @rachelleshappy and sharing #mybodyesteemjourney. Connecting with people that have gone through the same struggles, holding hands, and swimming through the muck together.

Self-care is traveling more with my husband and kids, exploring, re-inventing, understanding.

Self-care is staying at home and vegging out while catching up on movies or series or reading a really good book, all alone.

Self-care is being present, collecting small moments of joy and connecting them to feel encompassed fully by life.

Show up, be active, take action.

Be an original

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Mon, 30 Apr 2018 22:34:00 +0000

I was watching something a friend had posted about her journey to health and something she said hit me pretty hard, this isn't verbatim but you'll get the idea, "I can't wait to see what life I will be able to live with all this weight I am losing and the new body I will have"...

I see this with renewed eyes, with educated eyes, with eyes that understand that message and now want to shout to everyone trying to convey it that it is.not.true!

Why couldn't she live a life she wanted in the body she had before her diet? Well she could, only she didn't believe she could, because society tells us we can't do things based on what we look like, and everywhere we turn we see a solution on how to be more like the standard of beauty and health portrayed by the media so we can find "happiness". This isn't special to her, dare I say, this is more than norm than the exception.

I don't want to stand on a soapbox, but you CAN live a full and happy life with ANY... body. It's true. You can! And if you dig to find them, there are people out there proving it!

Don't waste your time being depressed and worried about what other people's opinions are about what you look like. Don't be so consumed with the idea of what they might think that you try and change who you are because of it.

I understand hating yourself... I understand because you don't fit the mold, that you feel ugly and unlovable...but it isn't true! If you start working on what's broken on the inside that continues to feed those ideas you can ACTUALLY find peace within yourself.

The more you connect and accept truly and wholly with who you are, the more you will find joy in it. That doesn't mean you don't progress, that doesn't mean you don't continue to strive to be better in all that you do, that doesn't mean you stop learning... it just means you stay on a path that feels authentic to you, and only you, whatever that may be. I have been to many funerals and not ONE that I have attended said, "The best thing about Jane Doe is that she was skinny/beautiful" in fact, their appearance hasn't been brought up... no, because the outward appearance doesn't leave a legacy - your actions, the way you treat people, what kind of character you developed, who you were in a relationship - that matters, that's your legacy and what makes YOU, you.

"Be an original so you don't die a copy..."

Hurt causes hurt

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Fri, 13 Apr 2018 16:39:00 +0000

I was listening to Brene Brown, she was on the podcast On Being and it is February 8th episode entitled, "Brene Brown - Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart"... and all I know is something she said gave me pause - it resonated deep inside my soul and gave me the goosebumps of truth. Here is what I heard:

"It is so much easier for people to cause pain than to feel their own pain".

YEP!

With my journey this translates to, "It is so much easier for people to think bad of others than to deal with and feel the bad they see in themselves".

Image came from here

Isn't this sooooo true!? Think... think hard... is there a time when you were hating on someone else that you weren't feeling pain within yourself?

I tried and tried but couldn't hit on anytime where I wasn't feeling pain first. It didn't necessarily come from that person, but when I was not loving myself inside and hating what I was seeing, I would then see other people and, in my mind, judge and criticize them to feel better about myself. Not to their face, of course, I was too shame-filled to be brave enough to do that, but I did judge and criticize in my mind.

I couldn't handle the pain that came from comparing myself to others, the thwarted image of what I SHOULD look like, and then never able to achieve it. I would push down those feelings of shame, guilt, and sadness and out (but in) would come this mean girl side of me.

I judged and I negatively spoke about peoples success as if they didn't have a right to be there. For example, I'd be searching on social media and see someone that would be promoting a business with a cute picture of them or someone promoting their new "gains" or someone talking about a new opportunity that came their way and I would instantly roll my eyes instead of feeling excited or happy for them. I was too focused on what I wasn't doing or getting or looking like, so broken inside, that I coped the only way I felt I could, the only way I knew how.

In my recovery, I realize that when I go to a place of gossip, judgment, and negativity that I need to look inside and see where I am hurting! Just knowing my behavior and recognizing my pattern helps me use the tools I have gained to stop that behavior and fix what really needs fixing.

Let me tell you though... it's hard work! In fact, I "relapsed" (if you can call it that) a few weeks ago... I learned that even though I know and am aware of doing this, it doesn't stop me from occasionally going back to old habits, but I recognize it quickly and am able to get me back on the right track.

This has brought up many conversations with my children. When someone hurts you physically, mentally, or emotionally it isn't usually about you, it's almost always about them and what's going on around them or to them that is causing them pain on the inside. "Misery loves company", they want you to feel like them or worse than them, because for some reason, for a brief moment, it does make them feel better. The reason I know this is because I've experienced it. What comes after though, is more shame, more guilt, and more misery.

Being happy with me first - healing me from the inside, helps me to be genuinely happy for others. I can appreciate the way they look, how hard they have worked, be excited for their success in body, mind, spirit, and career. It helps me feel REAL joy in my life. It's really hard to explain, but I truly wish it for everyone, including myself, because I don't ever want to go back to where I was before I started this journey.

This probably isn't much of a major breakthrough for a lot of people, but I thought I'd share anyway, in case, it spoke to anyone else, because it really resonated with me.

Smartphones, communication, and empowerment

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Wed, 14 Mar 2018 20:13:00 +0000

I got home from work and checked on my kids, conversed if I could, figured out what I wanted to do for dinner, started it, and then I plopped down on my couch and started looking though people's insta stories. I love them, I'll admit it. Two people had referred to this conversation that was going on with the hashtag #savethekids, so I decided to go check it out.

Here's the base... a teacher asked a question to their middle school students, or Junior High I guess, "What my parents don't know about social media is..." the answeres were anonymous and some of them scary. Believe me when I say, if the answers don't scare you then you live in a bubble that I'd like to be a part of. Either way, this starts up a conversation, that as far as I can tell, is lead by an awesome insta guy named with the handle @collinkartchner ... he also did a series of stories where he talked about body image and comparing, my SIL shared it with me and it was a fantastic watch and conversation. With this particular #savethekids conversation they have some very valid points. Should elementary kids and junior high kids have smart phones? Should they be allowed in school? When is the appropriate age for a child to get a smart phone? Parents need to be the example of moderation with the smartphones...etc.

As I began to read the comments on his story such as, "I told some friends that I wasn't going to give my kids a smart phone and they laughed, well whose laughing now", "When my kids come home I'm taking their smartphone away #savethekids", "When I put my smartphone down I got better grades, smartphones have ruined mylife", "every parent needs to take their kids smartphones so that my child doesn't feel left out" and it goes on and on. I caught myself starting to feel guilt and some shame for allowing my kids to have a smartphone and knowing that I will continue to do so. Luckily for me, I pulled out of feeling that way. I have been having this type of conversation with many people who are close to me and I know where I stand on this issue. My kids get good grades, they are good kids, and we are all on this learning curve of how best to make smartphones work for us and not against us.

First off, no matter what I say, however you parent your child, if you are consistently trying with all that you have and arming yourself with all the tools and knowledge that you can... then you are winning and you will get no judgement from me. My opinion shouldn't change what you feel is right in your heart, just as your opinion won't change mine. I will listen and maybe it will actually make me go back to the drawing board, but I will continue to leave my parenting decisions up to my Father in Heaven, myself, and my husband.

So let's dig into this. Should elementary kids and junior high kids have smart phones? I believe that is soley up to you as the parent and what you feel is best for your individual child. You can't parent each child exactly the same because they are each unique. Their desires are different, which means your discipline tactics will effect them differently. My son LOVES hanging out with his friends, and to this day, that is the one thing that I can take away, for a time, that will help me in teaching him a lesson of consequence and right from wrong. With my daughter, it is her phone or her latest Netflix binge. Take that away, for a time, and she usually learns her lesson (no kid is perfect). You see, because taking friends away from my first child worked, I tried it on my second child...and they stayed home happy as a peach, could care less that they weren't hanging out with friends. Own individual desires.

Making sure they have boudaries and once those boundaries are crossed you implement consequences, now THAT is necessary. Granted, they are kids, human and therefore flawed, so they continue to test the boundaries. We are consistent and vigilant in letting them know when they have crossed the line (admittedly, and thankfully, my husband is a very consistent person, me not as much, we when I say "we", in this case, I mean "him"... if he tells them to do something and gives them the consequence, if it isn't done then he will follow through with the consequence if the child chooses not to complete what was asked of them. Once or twice of proving that and my kids don't ever doubt that what we say is what we mean-which then allows them the choice, knowing a consequence will follow, they choose whether they want the good one or bad one).

Should smart phones be allowed in school? Nope. It's unneccesary. I don't know what the solution is to this, because after school I want to make sure they both have their phones so I can get in contact with them (I work outside of the home and this gives me peace of mind), but I can't think of a good reason for kids to have them on during school hours.

When is the appropriate age for your child to get a smart phone? Again, that is up to you as a parent and it is different for each child. Some children come out of the womb mature and logical and act years above their age in responsibility, other children just don't. Only YOU know your child and what they will be able to handle.

Here's my answer the smartphone panic... Communication. It has been taught for ages but is still neglected. Open communication with your child, even if sometimes what they have to say is something you'd rather not hear or may even scare you! Do it anyway. Take as many opportunities as you can to listen to them, like REALLY listen to them. Know them well enough to know when they are telling you the top layer of what is really going on inside, to test your reaction. So many times I would say just enough to see how my parent or spouse would react to something, if it seemed like it was going in a direction in which I would be punished, shamed, or made to feel what was going on in my mind was not normal, I would stop the conversation and divert it to something safer. I didn't trust I could say anything. I would hide the me on the inside and put on my shell of what made that person feel comfortable. Try not to do that. Listen to them, ask questions that are or could be uncomfortable for them our yourself, let them help to come up with solutions. Let them know their feelings are normal, their curiosity is NORMAL. Give them support and tools to grow and progress and overcome. Kids are curious... pay attention to the questions they are asking. Ask them direct questions. Help them continue to talk. Be okay with the quiet in between, silence can be so powerful, don't try to push your opinion on them when they stop talking, and don't try to save them when they are saying something difficult to hear because it makes you feel something that you may not want to feel. I try to tell my kids, over and over again, in a mantra if possible, that there is NOTHING they can do that will make me love them any less. I will ALWAYS love them... but it is inevitable that they will disappoint me at some point...and we can both be okay with that!

My job is to help them through choices they make that may or already have brought about difficult consequences. We learn the tough lessons now... when I am here to help... so that they are prepared for life outside of mine and my husbands protection. Which includes dealing with a smartphone.

I have also made it known to my kids that when they open themselves up to tell me something they know they have done wrong, that I may not always react the correct way, but to be patient with me as we learn together. They know, regardless of my reaction, that because they have chosen to be vulnerable and honest that things won't automatically be taken away from them. We discuss first and come up with a solution together. They know this, and I feel because they know that, it keeps the door open for them to talk to me about things that they know were wrong but they chose to do it anyway. Or just feelings they may be having about being inadequate or not good enough...I don't tell them NOT to feel that way, I listen and we talk about what we can do to help it. My goal is to assist them, so in my mind, I don't have the luxury to be ignorant or niave to what's out there. For this smart phone conversation, if I take away their smart phone how does that solve access to the internet, media, or social media when I'm not around or don't know about it?

New flash: This is the world we live in, it is not going away... for now. :)

If they are curious, they will investigate. Just because I have taken it away or restricted it from them when they are around me, that doesn't mean they won't find other means to sate their curiosity!? This isn't new, kids are creative and intelligent, especially if they are curious about it! Just because my friends and myself didn't have smart phones, that didn't keep us from getting into trouble or stopped us looking at things I wasn't suppose to, it just meant we got it in different ways than our kids are getting it. We just didn't have up-to-the-minute access to knowing what everybody else has done or are doing like our kids do today!

What do we do? We teach our children right from wrong. We educated them on how consequences can affect them and their lives and we stay open to what they have to tell us and we give them plenty of opportunity to feel comfortable doing so and empower them to choose the harder right.

For example, when my son was about 6 or 7, I found out my son was at a friends house and through some kind of search for a game and an older brothers search history they came across photos that made him "feel something" on the computer. He knew it wasn't right because we had talked about it openly as a family, he knew what it was. He didn't tell me right away. He went to that friends again and this time they sought it out. Then he came home and my sister, by divine design, walked in on him just opening up the page as he was quickly trying to close it again. She came and told me. That is when I had a choice to decide how I was going to react to this. You guys... I was scared out of my mind! I wanted to go in there and shake him, take away the computer priveleges and wrap him in bubble wrap. But instead, I reached out to my Father in Heaven, asked him to help me out, and went to my son.

He was crying, his face was streaked with tears and dirt from his hands wiping them away, he was scared and you could see his shame right on his face. I grabbed him and hugged him. He said, "I'm sorry", I said, "I can see that". I then had a discussion with him. I asked him questions like, Why? How did it make you feel? Do you feel like doing it again? Do you understand why this isn't a good choice? I let him know that he was normal. Those pictures are made to make you feel that way. I let him know the people in the photos are real, they have a family. I educated him on what path this COULD lead him down. We watched a video of someone's dark consequences that started out innocent like him, and then I did something that I have kept to from that day forward, which changed something in me and my parenting from that day forward...I let him choose.

Here is how it went, I said, "Now this is where you get to make a choice. Do you want to invite that and possibly those consequences that we just watched into your life? You get to choose, but I get to know your choice. Also, if you choose that you don't want to go down that road and you feel like it's too hard not to look, then we can get you the tools to help with that. Either way, you choose, there is a right choice and wrong choice, but you have the power to choose." Now, I don't know if that is the right way or wrong way to handle that, however, it is what gave me peace in my heart. Conclusion: he told me he didn't like how he was feeling and never wanted to feel that way again. We moved forward that day with my son knowing he could trust me and that we were on the same team. I also understood I needed to be more vigilant in educating myself, as well as, my children.

This is exactly the approach I take for smart phones. Education. Empowering them with the ability to choose for themselves after being educated. Not restriction. That just isn't how I do it and it works for us. I make sure to keep up on all social media apps, I participate in them, I get all the updates on them. I educate myself on how children are hiding apps, how to get messages they have deleted, and what is the next best app. I'm not perfect, but I try and I leave the rest in my Father in Heaven's hands and mother's intuition.

I educate my kids on consequences. Ask my daughter how many stories and videos she has had to watch on predators that can get to you on FB, insta, snap, and games, to name a few, and what has happened to people who have let them in. I, in great detail and to my daughters embarrassment, describe what those predators want and can do to her not just mentally and emotionally, but physically. I show them snap websites dedicated to pictures that were hacked from servers that people thought "disappeared". They are aware that EVERYTHING they send CAN be retrieved from a server, even years later. Anything put on the internet is stored and saved somewhere.

Then they are empowered with choice because they know what follows the choices available to them.

Restricting them or keeping them away from it isn't what works for us (meaning my family). Remember that friend that couldn't eat candy at their home so when they came over to your house to play, all they did was eat your candy!? When I was young we were too poor to afford a computer or game console, I was probably 7 turning 8. Guess what I did? Everytime I went over to my friends that had an Atari, all I wanted to do was play Atari. Everytime I went over to my friends that had an apple computer (one of the first made I think) I wanted to play Family Fued for HOURS. Those friends would get bored with it and beg me to do other things, which I would, but the minute I could get them to play the Atari or Family Fued again, that's what I would want to do. I craved it because I didn't have it. My kids' friends that don't have smartphones? Always asking to use my kids phones. (We have talked about them not allowing a friend to use their smartphone if there parent isn't allowing it.)

The worst thing I can think of is to send my children out into the world unprepared with the bombardment that comes when they finally are able to choose for themselves to have a smart phone. I want them to learn while they are under my roof so we can monitor it together. Heck, I'm still learning how to moderate myself! My kids are required to turn in their phones at night where they charge and are ready for them the next day. I have access to get on their phones where I can, and do, look at text, snaps, DM's, photos, etc... they know that at any time I can ask for their phone they have to give it to me.

We keep trying to incorporate practices that will help us all. Things such as:

*If you are with someone and there is a sliver of chance that there might be a conversation that will involve your participation, put the phone away. There is nothing on the phone that needs your immediate attention. Are any of us in my family perfect at that... no... but we are aware and will remind, "catch", each other not applying the practice.

*If you are having a difficult time putting the phone away because you keep reaching for it... put it in another room where you have to physically get up and get it to look at it.

*I know a neighbor who has an app on their phone that monitors everything their kids do on phones or tablets and can instantly turn things off once that child has used the allotted amount of screen time for the day. I think that's fabulous! Help them be aware of time on their device.

That is the key, keeping trying, keep learning, and pray daily to get extra help and intuition from above. Help them while you have the power to, while they live under your roof. Prepare them for when they live out there in a world that will and can overpower them with information and things that are pleasurable, but addicting. If they haven't been given the tools necessary to combat everything thrown at them, they will fall to the addicting nature of what is accessible on a smartphone, whether they are 10 or 40.

Be the educated parent for each individual child and then do what you feel is right when it comes to smart phones. Join the conversation, tell me what you do, but leave judgement behind for other parents and their kids. We are all fighting to do our very best to bring about children that are good humans. Do some parents totally suck? Heck yes... but I believe that the majority of parents are doing the best they can with what they know.

That's my two cents.

Whatever you do to protect your child you will have me cheering you on! :) Now let's all go to dinner and group hug!

Why is fat bad?

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Tue, 13 Mar 2018 23:20:00 +0000

I was in the car with my daughter and her friend, they are 12, and they were telling me about their lives. It's actually one of my favorite places to really be a listener and avid observer; figuring out what kind of person they are by what they say and how they act when their friends are around.

However, I was shocked when we were discussing friends. Here is how the conversation went (I'm going to name the girls they were talking about as Jane 1 and Jane 2):

My daughter: "Jane 1 is just the sweetest! She will speak our made up language with us and she doesn't care what people think, she is so fun!"

Daughter's friend: "Yea, she is so cool! Jane 2 would never do that because she always has to be soooo perfect."

Me: "You know what? Sometimes that is a sign that someone is struggling on the inside with how they look and how they feel about themselves when they are always trying to be so perfect."

Daughter's friend: "That makes sense, Jane 1 and Jane 2 are ALWAYS talking about how FAT they are, and they so aren't fat!"

Okay...side bar...these two girls they were speaking of are not just blessed genetically but they have little to no fat on them! It hurt my newly, but slowly, put together body esteem heart that these girls are voicing that out loud and they are only 12! It's just sad and disappointing... I know it starts even younger, but this is the first time since I started my journey that it has been openly addressed. Now them calling themselves fat could just be for attention, however, that is also a red flag... why do they need to be told they are skinny and pretty!? Why do they seek that attention? Something is still missing within them if they need to be self-assured by others that they are skinny enough. Believe me when I say this leads down a very slippery slope and is detrimental to still hold onto as an adult.

But if they aren't just doing it for attention and they actually think they are fat... there is a medical name for that which is called - Body Dsymorphic Disorder. Now I don't believe these girls have an extreme case or anything but still...you guys... we need to have a bigger voice of loving and appreciating our bodies the size and shape they come in. We can't let media and social media be the prime voice for what our daughters see and look up to.

Comparing is human nature, but if our girls saw on their social media, and other forms of media, all size body types where these different body shapes are being celebrated and loved, it would at least help them see and accept that one size does NOT fit all and that being unique in personality AND body type is something to be proud of! Introduce them to strong, powerful, well-liked, women and men who aren't just one size.

Okay back to the conversation in the car:

Me: "Why is fat bad?"

...SILENCE...

Me: "Is fat worse than being mean, bullying, or judging someone?"

The girls: "No"

Me: "Is being fat the same as stealing something, murdering someone, or being dishonest?"

The girls: "No"

Me: "Saying fat is bad you are saying it is in the same category as other things we perceive as bad. Fat isn't bad... it's just fat and every BODY has it and can't survive without it... "

The girls: "That true!" they say in a never thought about that before sort of wonder.

Me: "So the next time they say they are fat ask them why it is so bad... see what they say."

They smiled, we laughed, and the conversation lead us another direction.

This isn't just an issue for girls - this is also an issue for boys - maybe not as dominant but it's there and growing. If you have any influence over children, pre-teens, or teens... start the conversation, give them another point of view.

One of my favorite quotes was said by Marvin J. Ashton:

"If I cannot have peace within me, others around me will suffer..."

Make sure you believe the message inside yourself first, heal your misunderstanding of body types and fat being bad...then help the message so that those around us, especially our children, don't suffer as we and the many generations before us have.

Change, growth, and worth

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Sat, 03 Mar 2018 00:31:00 +0000

My life has been full of change. In the last two months, I have changed positions at work, moved to a new home and area, changed which dance studio I teach at, and my husband changed jobs as well! It's been a whirlwind, probably the most change I have had to deal with, at one time, in my life. You know the mantra that kept moving through my mind? No? Let me just tell you:

And I was definitely living a life full of comfort zones! Change is scary and it's exciting all at the same time - so yea ... change is confusing. It's like you get caught in a tornado of change and then that tornado starts evening out and bit and you land on your two feet and you think..."man I'm doing this" and at the next turn you are pleading with your eyes focused heavenward yelling, "I can't do this-it's too much". And yet, I feel like I'm winning even though I have no idea, in some cases, what I'm even doing! Change makes us grow and it challenges us and we can become a better person if we allow it to mold us. Change has brought me to my knees and humbled me. I can never go back, nor do I want to go back, to who I was before the change.

It will be a year in April since I decided that I was going to invest all of my energy on changing the love I had for myself on the inside so that I would love looking at me on the outside. I just had my 39th birthday and this was the first birthday since I turned 30 where I wasn't sad I was another year older and filled with dread that I would find, yet, another wrinkle. I'm not thinner, if anything I probably have gained some weight, although I don't know for sure since I don't have a scale and haven't stepped on a scale since July - my clothes fit snugger but I can still wear them all. The important thing about all of that is... I am happier with me. I'm not so focused on getting attention by what I wear or how red my hair color is or by my make up being just right. However, I feel beautiful, I know my beauty hasn't changed because of my size or shape. I'm free of food guilt and shame. I wish I could describe what that feels like and what a mountain that is for me to have climbed, but I am SO proud of that.

Don't get me wrong, I have setbacks, I'm human, but that doesn't take away from the progress I have made.

I eat better not because of any goal to get thinner but because it makes me happy to feel incredible by what I'm putting in my body... that includes sugar and carbs. I know what foods make me suffer and what foods give me more energy. I know that I don't HAVE to eat the cookie when it's offered, but I can wait to eat it when I feel like it, or get it later...what's even better is that I don't obsess about the cookie until I finally give in and eat it, it's just a cookie now. I am beginning to ask myself when I am hungry, "Why are you hungry?" and figuring out my emotional attachment to food and having the tools to know how to work through those times. I recognize when my body begins to tell me that it's hungry and I should eat soon...I am also recognizing when to stop (still not pro at this, but man am I leaps and bounds better than I was). Not finishing the food that was on my plate was really weird for me at first, but now it doesn't even bother me.

I am also finally finding what being "active" means to me. I will admit, activity has been hit and miss because each time I would start trying to work out again, I would find myself making rules for me and feeling guilty if I didn't burn a certain amount of calories. So I would step back from being active to re-focus. Gently I have eased back into activity in the last couple of months and it has been amazing. When I am active now, I am focusing on how it is making me feel and I stop any activity I am doing if I am not enjoying it and that has worked for me...so far!

It's not an exact science but I am telling you if I could find a way to bottle up what I am starting to understand about health, food freedom, and mental wellness I would do it in a heartbeat and give it away for free. Everyone should be free of shame or guilt around these topics.

I don't want to be that person who is shoving this conversation and these topics down people's throats, but oh.my.gosh I want to shout it from the rooftops. So if you ever want to talk about any of this in depth... I'm.your. girl. No seriously... I want to talk!

If you are that person that looks in the mirror and hates what they see reflected back, just know, there is a better way to see yourself and a possible way to see yourself where you can be proud of you, regardless of any external imperfections, or perceived imperfections, you see that holds you back from living your fullest life. You are worthy of love and you ARE loved.

My resolution

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Wed, 10 Jan 2018 17:37:00 +0000

Resolutions...

When you have been dieting as long as I have, the end of a year and the beginning of a new year means a resolution of losing weight aka "getting healthy".

With it also comes a sense of guilt and shame for not achieving what you set out to achieve in the beginning of that year.

Is there a new hope of change? Yes. But at the end of every year, for me, was a sense of guilt and shame for not being skinny yet. That is the change I wanted.

Every.Year.

I wasn't successful at changing my body. I didn't have a six-pack, I still weighed relatively the same or maybe a bit less or more depending on how well I did in the holidays or the previous months, but I wasn't very different from what my expectation was for myself at the beginning of the year.

This always gave me a sense of sadness for myself. I felt sorry for me. There, looking in the mirror, was the same mom gut, stretch marks, fat in all the places I despised, and cellulite. My body was always changing, but never in a way that made me happy, or I told myself would make me happy.

But every year I made a promise to myself to try again. Maybe... just maybe... this year would be different. I couldn't give up on myself. I don't see that as a bad thing, even with my new way of thinking, I don't see not wanting to give up as a bad thing. I believe that we never stop progressing, learning, or growing mentally, spiritually, or physically. The one thing a new years resolution about changing gave me ... hope.

It was just focused in the wrong direction. My hope was centered on changing something about me that was next to impossible. It was only possible if I took very extreme and unnatural measures.

I still believe in resolutions. I still believe in taking care of me. In being healthy in mind, body, and spirit. In changing my mind and understanding of what and who I am in a direction that benefits me in this life and in the life to come.

So my new year's resolution and my renewed hope is ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance of my body
Acceptance of others bodies
Acceptance of the continued hard work it will take to obtain a better understanding of how my body works with food and activity.
Acceptance of patience with myself and others in every aspect of my life.
Acceptance of the way people choose to love me
Acceptance of letting go of the things I can't control
Acceptance of allowing others to let go of me
Acceptance of remembering that I will fail and I will make mistakes, I'm never going to be the perfect Mormon, but I can be the perfect me to return to Him.
Acceptance that I am not for everybody
Acceptance that everybody isn't for me
Acceptance that there will always be someone prettier, taller, smarter, younger, and funnier

I am beautiful, I am smart, I am funny, I am kind, and I am enough.

At the end of this year, I want to say that I am further down the path of my life being better at ACCEPTANCE.

What's your New Year's Resolution?

What you say can actually hurt.

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 21:25:00 +0000

So I had an epiphany a few weeks ago. My day started out as a really bad body day, which surprised me because I have honestly been doing so good about what I have been telling myself. Either way, it started out as a bad body day, as well as, a bad hair day! Combine the two and it apparently sends me into a downward spiral, that even with the tools I have been strengthening, it couldn't pull me out of it. Now, I don't write about these things to make anyone feel sorry for me, this blog is to journal my journey the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the growth in between and that means being completely genuine with how things are going.

I went into work in kinda a bum mood. As my day began I threw myself into my projects and tried to focus on other things, however, I had a visitor that I hadn't seen for probably 6 months. I immediately thought to myself, "Oh they must think I've totally let myself go"... amongst other things. See, I realized, I'm doing really good, except, when I see someone that hasn't seen me for a while or saw me when I fit into smaller clothes, which just make me realize that I have a lot of work to still do. I fear their judgment still. I'm thinking this is probably normal for those of us that attach our self-worth with our body size, however, I don't know that for sure, so it kinda gut punched me that I fell back into the hole so easily.

I do what I always do when I'm feeling perplexed and down, I go to "my people" and I vent. I spew everything out in my mind into their laps and they sit and listen. Then an epiphany comes in one of these conversations and I realize I am so afraid of judgement from those I know because I have seen them place judgement (maybe not intentionally) on others while I have been around. If they are saying those things about others in my presence then, in my mind, they are saying those things out of my earshot. I believe whole-heartedly the people I am closest to have the most beautiful hearts, minds, and spirits. I have done a lot of filtering of the negative, including people, in my life and so I want to make sure you understand I'm not saying this to judge them in anyway, believe me, that would be hypocritical of me. It was just a realization that it wasn't just in my mind that people would judge me for my size but an understanding that they WOULD in actuality judge me whether I gained weight or lost weight. I know they will say something about my shape or size because I have seen and heard them do it to others while I have been around. They did it not realizing that what they were saying was pricking my insecurities about myself. I am also at fault of doing this very thing while in the presence of others with no idea of how that affected them internally.

And there in lies the problem... doesn't it? We have all made a negative comment at some point within others earshot of someone else's body. If we changed our view on bodies (at any size), then the comments, negativity, and focus surrounding bodies that don't fit into medias version of perfect wouldn't be criticized so much. This would help us worry less about our outward appearance and we would have more time to focus on our minds and internal workings of our bodies mechanics and what is right for it to function at a healthy pace to enjoy life to it's fullest.

That is individual.

What works for my body isn't going to work for every body because we are all built to have an individual and unique stamp. We aren't supposed to fit one mold or one size or one shape. We have to find out what works best for us and no one can design an eating plan or exercise plan that is best for me... except me, as long as I stay in tune to what my body is telling me. The way I do that is focus on how my body responds to different exercises and different foods...I have to be intuitive. This takes time and patience. Loving our body no matter it's shape and size will help us stay the course. Yes, people will place judgement about us and about others around us but we have to let that go or it will continue to halt our progress.

So my goal is to remember my value outside of my shape and size because those who truly love me and value me, and whom I want in my life, will see and love me whether I'm wearing the slimmer than I am now Shelle or the curvier Shelle. Those that can't? Well... their loss.

Bout time to link up!

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Thu, 02 Nov 2017 17:37:00 +0000

Things that have helped me in my journey.

Podcasts:

Okay, here is the thing...I listen to the podcasts because it helps me stay the course and I'm learning some pretty awesome things, however, just a warning...some of the episodes get political and I don't agree with their views on politics and they all have the explicit warning, but when they keep it real with #haes and #intuitiveeating and #bodypositivity these podcasts are worth the skipping over the messages that don't resonate with me.

1. First podcast I ever listened to! This woman is such a force of good for finding that love for your body, or all bodies in general. Her podcast is called, "Fearless Rebelle Radio" with Summer Innanen. Lot's of her episodes are good and worth looking into.

2. Food Psych with Christy Harrison is so so so good because of the different and interesting perspectives of the people she brings in to interview, some are scientific, religious, and people that have gone from a bad relationship with food to a positive one. She does have strong political views but the content aside from those are so great.

3. Oprah Super Soul Conversations Podcast this one isn't necessarily dedicated to body positivity, but the first two episodes with Brene Brown are amazing and those are the ones I wanted to mention. Your mind and healing it to help move in the right direction is vital and I feel messages like those that Brene puts forth in her books and in this podcast help with my journey overall.

I'm sure I will dig into more, but for right now, this is enough for me and I'm content just bouncing between the top two. When I've finished listening and am current with their episodes I'll find more.

Books:

Again, I've only just begun my journey but the two books I am reading are, "Health at Every Size" by Linda Bacon and "Intuitive Eating" by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole. The science, research, and messages in each of these books I find fascinating and it keeps me determined. I'm also learning so much about how my body works and how incredibly smart it is.

Meditation:

I just use two apps. The first one was Headspace and the second one and the one I currently use is Insight Timer. It really starts your day off right and helps you control those wandering thoughts that may be detrimental to your mental health. It's like lifting weights for your mind.

Journal:

Blogging, insta stories, instagram, facebook, and journaling are helping me in there own way. Sharing and talking about it makes me stay focused and continues to remind me that I'm not alone.

Hope these links help for any of you looking for some great material to start out your very own body esteem journey!

Everybody needs a Klay

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Thu, 26 Oct 2017 14:22:00 +0000

I got that phrase, "Everybody needs a Klay" from a friend of mine that I follow on social media and we danced together in high school. She always posts the cutest things about her husband and she hashtags on there #everyoneneedsajare" it's adorable and I stole it because it relates so much to how I have been feeling about my husband and my journey.

Everyone needs someone like my husband on a journey to loving their body. Here are just a few of the reasons why:

1. Klay in all 17 almost 18 years of marriage has never ONCE said a derogatory thing about my body, not once, with all of the changes and diets I have put my body through...this is a big feat.

2. Klay is always loving my body by touch and telling me how much he loves the way I feel. Even while I have hated my body he is patient and kind and always tries to counter what I'm telling myself by showing me through his actions how much he loves the stretch marks and extra fluff because it is a part of me, and he loves me.

3. Klay is supportive of any journey I have taken my body on, whether he has agreed with it or not, he has always tried to support it. Even with this journey, when I break down and cry, he consoles me and tries to remind me of why I started the journey in the first place

4. Klay has never given me doubt that my body means anything more to him than attraction and worship. Even with the ups and downs of marriage, even through the arguments, he has always made me feel beautiful and attractive. He has never used my weakness of attached worth to my body shape and size as a weapon to hurt me in the heat of the moment, even knowing how deep of a wound he could make.

5. Klay is proud to be with me no matter what I look like. I have tested those waters many times and he always tells me he prefers me in my most natural state (which in all honesty can be pretty scary), seriously, how can you not "awwww" at that.

If you don't have this kind of support system from the one that is supposed to love you the most and the deepest, then you need to re-think who you surround yourself with. As much as loving one's body comes from within first, it is necessary to have someone blocking the holes of doubt temporarily until you have the strength and the tools to cover it yourself.

I know, without a doubt, I'd be a lot worse off if I hadn't had Klay around all of those years to offset the negative thoughts in my head. I don't know what I do without him by my side as I slowly start to see myself in the way he always has. I realize more and more that I am extremely lucky to have him around. Plus, he's really fun to look at!

Everyone needs a Klay.

#everyoneneedsaklay

A letter to my family and friends

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Sun, 15 Oct 2017 23:17:00 +0000

Dear family and friends,

A few months ago, well around April, I decided I was tired. Am I too young to be tired? Maybe... or maybe I'm too old to finally be realizing it, but I am. I am tired. I am so tired of trying to change me, be thinner, skinnier, more toned, weigh less... etcetera. I was tired of worrying about what others thought of me. Tired of hating my body. Loving everything about me, but not my body, it has never been good enough, thick or thin, I have always seen it as something that needed to be changed. And as I have said before in this blog somewhere... I have tried every diet out there... everything... besides surgery! All in the name of being thin. All in the name of changing my body to please others because then I would be loved more or of worth or be able to get that promotion I want. Everything will be better just if I was skinnier. So I would restrict, diet, go on the next new eating plan, try different exercise plans and shortly after I would mess up... I would eat something I shouldn't, I would miss a few days of exercise... and I would give up and I would be ashamed and hate myself for it. Then guilt kicks in, because this body grew two beautiful beings inside of it, working a miracle twice over, and I'm ashamed that I'm so ashamed and hateful of my body! It's an aggressive continuous circle and I have become tired of running it.

So I decided I was going to start working on the inside. Not to lose weight but to love me no matter my size, because then, and only then, will I be able to breathe. So I stopped dieting, that was step one. But then what? Besides weight gain... then what? I had no idea, I was in this foreign territory and I didn't know what to do with myself. My whole life, well the parts that I remember, has been filled with my plans of losing weight... that's all I remember. Sad right!? Maybe...but it's true. So I did what every person does when they don't know something nowadays... I googled, "How do I love my body?". There is a whole movement out there of body love and esteem. So I stopped running and took my first step to loving me on the inside. I started listening to podcasts! These podcasts pointed me to meditation to guide and control my negative thoughts and directed me to look for activity and movement that my body enjoyed instead of trying to punish the sweat out of every time I couldn't stick to my eating plan or felt my body wasn't changing how it "should" fast enough. Listening to these podcasts also helped me realize I wasn't alone, that many many women (and men) feel the same way that I do and have gone through the same things I am going through and two books kept coming up as ones that helped them on their journey to their inner happiness ... so I bought them and am reading them. (The podcasts and books I will share in a later blog post).

So I'm writing this letter to help you understand...and know how to support me... in finding me whomever that is...in whatever body that is.

So please, I'd appreciate, if you don't tell me about a new eating plan you've done or are doing just because you feel it would "help" me.
Please don't ask me why I'm not still on the last eating plan I tried where I lost weight.
Please don't ask me the next time I'm going to work out because I looked so good then
Please don't bring up "back when" stories where I looked so cute (when I was thinner).

Instead, let's chat about "back when" I did something good for someone or where we laughed really hard at something or where we enjoyed something to eat without worrying what was in it before we ate it, where we experienced the food.

I may gain weight during this journey, I may stay the same, and I may even lose weight, but please try not to focus on the outside appearance, try to focus on the inside, because that is what I will be doing. Some days are going to be rough for me because I have to retrain 25 plus years of hate, negativity, and attached worth around my body. I will have really good and positive days and I'm also going to have days where I won't be able to control the negative thoughts inside my head and I may cry, and feel bad about myself, and doubt everything I'm doing. That is when I will need your love, support, and encouragement to stay the course.

I know with every fiber of my being that if I stay the course of this journey, I WILL have more positive than negative days, eventually, and will have retrained my thoughts to assist me. How am I so sure of this? Because I've tried everything else. Through this, my hope is to love my body and the miracle of it, regardless of its size, and be less judgemental of others bodies.

Here is my plan... I plan on figuring out when my body is hungry and when it is satisfied, what foods feel good after eating them and what foods my body naturally doesn't like by how I feel after I eat them which will help me know the consequence of the foods I eat. So I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, but will be more attuned with how those foods will make me feel after. I plan on finding what my body loves to do to keep it active and functioning with different movement and exercise that I enjoy and want to continue to do. This will be done with never restricting myself again with foods, movement, or by giving myself rules.

I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. My whole worth and what I've felt equates to beauty has been wrapped up in my body size. I never knew how to judge those things any other way. I've always felt I was "letting myself go" if I wasn't dieting or exercising in a restrictive and punishing manner.

However, with the few months I have dedicated so far to this journey I am realizing...I'm not letting myself go, I'm loving myself more.

Love,

Shelle

One year...

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Tue, 28 Apr 2015 07:00:00 +0000

Today it's been one year. One year since my world was flipped upside down. One year since my sister, Lisa Stoddard, passed away.

I remember the day as if it was yesterday, cliche, but true. I remember getting ready for work so I could go train the person that was taking my old position and hoping that for once I could be on time. I remember looking at my phone as I was heading to the car and seeing that my mom had called a few times and had text me and I had thought to myself, "I'll just call her when I get Jami all set and ready to work for the day".

I remember my husband had to take me into work, I don't remember why he did, but I remember he drove me to work. I remember thinking how dirty my van was and that "FOR SURE" this weekend I would clean it, just like I had told myself every Monday for months.

I remember walking into work and getting my things situated when I look up to see my new boss walking towards me.

I jokingly said, "What are you doing on this side of the block?"... his face was grim and he asked me if I had talked with my Mom. I remember still not being worried. I was happy, I was in a good mood, I had NO intuition that something was off.

I said, "Funny thing you say that, she has tried to call me but I've been trying to hurry to get ready to get here and so I haven't called her back yet, she must really be desperate to hunt you down to find me!"

He said, "I think you should call her".

I was like, "uh... okay."

He said, "Do you want to call her somewhere more private?" Why would I? I was smack dab in the middle of a room full of cubicles...

I said, "No, I'm good, I'll just call her and tell her I'll call her back".

So I called my Mom. I thought it was weird that my boss was just waiting at the end of the cubicles... watching me as I called her. I remember my mom answering the phone and yelling, crying, screaming, uncontrollable, trying to tell me something, but I couldn't understand.

I said, "MOM, what are you saying? I can't understand you? What happened?"

The next words that came out of her mouth were jargled but I got, "Lisa... accident... dead".

Of course I had heard her wrong and I asked again, "MOM... what? Who got in an accident?"

Then again, "Lisa... accident... dead... my baby, my baby is dead."

I guess I screamed, my knees buckled and standing seemed so difficult, I groaned and moaned and instantly tears were at my eyes and rolling down my cheeks... I didn't hear my cries and moans and groans, but the only thing I remember after that, is getting rushed into a more private room by my boss and an incredible co-worker and being left in there as I said over and over, "NO MOM, not Lisa, you have to be wrong, it can't be Lisa! I can't live without Lisa! Anybody but her... NO MOM... NO MOM... no mom." Lamenting, crying, groaning, my mind going a million miles a minute. I kept thinking, Maybe if I can get to her I can help her... How do I help, how can I undo this, how do I wake up, this isn't real! All the while saying out loud, "No MOM, not LISA... no mom NOT Lisa!!!" while my mom is saying, "My baby Shelle, my baby... my baby is dead... not my baby... my baby is dead."

The rest of that week and the weeks following are a blur and yet certain feelings are crystal clear.

I was just sad. I had a constant stream of tears from the time that I found out to what seemed like forever. I cried when my husband picked me up to take me to my parents house. I cried with my family at my parents house... (both my Mom and Dad were crying like little kids... completely grief stricken... I have never seen my Mom cry like that, and most assuredly have NEVER seen my Dad cry that way). I cried on the plane ride up to be with her husband and kids. I cried when I held each of her children. I cried when I sat with her husband, on his bed, as he lamented and moaned and groaned and asked "why" over and over and over again. I cried that night as I went in and out of sleep dreaming that it was all a dream and then waking up over and over again realizing it was not. I cried at the funeral home. I cried when I saw her for the first time after her death. I cried as we did her make up and dressed her for her casket. I cried reading each and every post people had stuck up on social media and blogs. I cried at every beautiful gathering put together for her honor. I cried at the viewing. I cried at the funeral. I cried at the graveside. I cried talking with my family. I cried more than I ever remember crying in my life. I have never felt such soul wrenching grief. I had lost one of the most influential and important people in my life. I was sad and it sucked.

But I would have brief moments of reprieve where I would laugh at the most ridiculous things! It was strange.

Another stage I went through was like a numbing stage and it happened in between the sad stage. I remember at the viewing hugging people and consoling them, saying, "It will be okay, we will see her again." It was the oddest thing, more like an out of body experience. People would come up to me, some old friends, some I've never met before, hugging me and crying on my shoulder, I would pat them on the back and console them, going through the motions, understanding their sadness, yet wanting to make them feel better at the same time.

Then I went through this "Fake it until you make it" stage. I got home from everything and went back to work and I had people constantly telling me how sorry they were and I would say things like, "Thank you" and "I'm as good as can be expected" and "Oddly, I'm feeling okay about it all. I know I'll see her again, so I am okay, I'm doing really well." And I fooled myself into thinking I was absolutely fine. I think I found out I wasn't doing "fine" when one day, about 5 or 6 months after Lisa's accident my hair dresser had cut my bangs... they looked just fine, but to me it was shorter than I had wanted, so I walked into my boss's office and sat down and said, "My hair girl cut my bangs too short..." and I started bawling... I mean like huge tears of sadness, over my bangs... being too short. My boss looked at me and said, "I think this is bigger than your bangs".

So after talking to her I went back to my desk and made an appointment to speak with a counselor... and the last six months I have seen a counselor and read the most life changing book by Brene Brown entitled, "The Gifts of Imperfection". (Seriously, that book is amazing). I also have recently gotten my hormone's balanced and I finally... actually... feel like me. I feel my life again... light and happiness and beauty.

Grief is an unwanted guest. It stays with you until you do something about it. Coming out of that dark hole can't be done alone. I had my Father in Heaven, I had my faith and knowledge that I will see Lisa again, no doubt, no question. I had my family and my friends. I had an army to help me grieve and help me climb slowly back to myself.

Sidenote: It's odd, you're life stops after something like this, and for me, I climbed inside of myself, I felt frozen and unsure and I questioned everything I ever believed in... but everyone else's life continued on. I remember thinking, "STOP, everything just slow down and stop, please don't move on, don't forget her... don't keep moving forward... stay here with me, with us..." and I felt like I was at a standstill... moving through life, but not being a part of it, because what was life without our Lisa?

One of the greatest things my counselor said to me was this, "Lisa would want you to honor her by living your life". So simple and so true.

Lisa was selfless, compassionate, funny, easy to be around, a peacemaker, spiritual, a good role model, an incredible teacher, a perfect listener, the best big sister, a wonderful and endearing second mom, and one of my bestest friends. I believe that there were many people there to greet her in Heaven, I believe she was embraced by our Savior, I believe she is happy and working hard. I have had special and sacred moments where I know she is and has been with me...and...I miss her... everyday I miss her... still.

I will always have moments of sadness, I will embrace them, and then let them go.

I'm probably going to cry today (and probably laugh too)... I'm going to remember who she was to me.

Then tomorrow... I'm going to continue living. I'm going to continue working at being the kind of person that will be able to live with her again...alongside my family, Brother Jesus Christ, and my Father in Heaven.

Nothing else matters.

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 18:10:00 +0000

Wow... it's been a long time since the last time I posted. Everything on Blogger is different and I hope this post even goes out!

I haven't been posting on this blog because I've been dealing with life and I took a very long break. But I have a post in my heart and I feel like I'm probably not the only one that goes through this. So I have decided to write it down and maybe it will reach someone out there.

I'm going to talk about weight. Doesn't seem like it should be a relationship issue... but I think it is. I have probably done EVERY diet in the book, what a cliche right? How many times have you heard that exact line when someone writes about a weight loss success story? Well this isn't that kind of post, at least not yet. I have yet to lose any weight, it seems like every time I try to lose weight I am successful a little bit, but then I'm right back where I started. I have a major food addiction I think. I'm not overly obese, but I LOVE food. I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad or depressed, when I'm excited or bored. I eat and I love tasty food. Do I necessarily always feel good after I eat certain things? No. I sometimes feel horrible and sick and bloated and yucky. Sometimes I feel happier, but it doesn't last for long. Just like a drug addiction, I wait for the next short fix.

Having my belly issue affects my marriage because it affects my sex life. We aren't remiss of sex, it's just that I don't always feel comfortable or sexy, and I hate that. It's more intimate when I can let go and just enjoy the experience... but the minute I feel the jiggle or look down at the extra weight, I zone out and I don't connect with my husband like I should. It's sad, and I know I have a few choices, do something about it, or change my way of thinking.

Maybe though, those things go hand in hand. Maybe I need to do something about it AND change the way I think about myself? The only thing is, I'm scared. I've failed SO many times that I'm afraid to let myself down again. I have to make that lifestyle change not only for myself but for my relationship.

My husband loves me, he always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am, but inside my mind it is so ugly that I can't help the depression that comes over me when I see the numbers on the scale or the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror and it frustrates my husband. He doesn't like that I feel that way about myself and he doesn't know what to do about it. He tells me he doesn't understand how I can see something so different than what he sees, yet I do. And it affects how I am behind closed doors which affects him.

I am lucky that I have the relationship that I have, but my weight does make a difference and I WANT to be a success.

So here is my accountability. I am going on the Fat to Fit journey. I am going to do the meal plans, continue with my exercise, take the pictures, take the measurements, and do it. Day by day. Inch by inch. This isn't a new year's resolution. It has to be a saving grace, it has to be a lifetime resolution.

I'm seeking any critique's, words of encouragement, kicks in the butt, or just thoughts. Am I alone in this? Does anybody constantly constantly fail because they can't seem to hurdle over there own fears?

That is, if anybody even reads this blog anymore!

Weight

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 15:45:00 +0000

I know it's been forever and for the first time in a long time, I feel like when I first started my blog and wrote about stuff on my mind, knowing nobody was really out there to read or hear it.

But I finally have something I want to write about. My loved ones and close family and friends are sick of hearing about it and so I find myself having, again, no where else to go but the vast emptiness that can make up the World Wide Web.

I got on the scale today. Up 2 more pounds. I don't know what it is about seeing that number, but it does something to me. My inner bully starts attacking my self-worth... basing it on my weight, even though I know conscientiously that my worth is based on who I am as a person, how I treat people, especially those closest to me- and how I am behind closed doors when nobody is there to watch or judge. I know it shouldn't be based off of a number a scale spews forth whenever I step on it.

So I find myself, again, telling myself this is the day I eat better. See my problem has never been, really, the exercise part. Although there has been times I have been more lacking in that area--it's always something I have tried to continue to do. This last year I have been consistent in going to CrossFit--a very intense way to work out. Barring these last few summer months... I went everyday during the week and sometimes on Saturday's. I know I got stronger, I know I lost inches, yet that scale wavered maybe one or two pounds at the most. Summer months were busy, with work, and photography, and traveling, lots and lots of traveling, I got an infection that I had to stop working out for a bit and just recently have done something to my shoulder (Not work out related). So I've still gone and worked out... but only like 3 times a week. So I KNOW my eating is what is my problem.

So I told myself today after I stepped off the scale that I am marking this day as the Day one of Finding Healthy Shelle. The infamous lifestyle change that I know is just out of my reach. I have this new resolve, yet in the back of my mind I see defeat. "Shelle you've said that before" or "I won't hold my breath". I KNOW that in order to change my body, I need to be really strict for a while and as I get to where I want to LOOK not necessarily weigh... then I can lessen up on the strict a meal or two here and there. But I am my own worst obstacle. How do I change this? What can I do mentally to make THIS time the time it works?

I know it can. I know with eating better and the exercise are an equation that just works. At my CrossFit box it has worked repeatedly. Do these people just have more control? Do I have a serious food addiction? Am I weaker? How did they do it and I seem to struggle so much?

All things I think about constantly. I don't want to be a dreamer... I want it to happen, I want it to work, I want to NOT make it such a big deal anymore.

I don't know where I was going with this. Probably no where. I just spewed forth anything that was on my mind, which is constantly on my mind, day in and day out.

Better stop now though. If there is anyone out there still getting my feeds. I hope you are doing well. I miss blogging, I really wish I had more time to do it everyday.

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 16:18:00 +0000

Totally blogging on my phone right now.

Just wanted you guys to know about this new series I'm startin on Real World Venus vs. Mars called Captured in a Relationship!

Go read about it!

Combines my love of photography with my love of learning about relationships!

Come on over!

Love,

Is it abnormal that I pay attention to that?

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 15:56:00 +0000

I've been gone.

I know.

It's been an absolute crazy, however long I've been gone, time.

I have posts to write. Things have happened. One of the biggests things is my Brother-in-Law passed away. The one with Lou Gehrigs Disease. I loved him, my husband loved his brother, everyone that knew him loves and misses him, especially his wife and children. He was the epitome of a family man. I have a post to write. And pictures to share.

Speaking of pictures, I've been super busy getting my new website up, which makes me sort of an official photographer because the website is kickin. I haven't quite got it all finished... but it's there. And I have a blog that I will be updating tons and tons with pictures and with just things about my life. I'm not sure if I'm going to just convert to that blog... or make this my thoughts blog and that my picture--heres-my-life blog. It's all up in the air. Right now it's just posts of sessions I've done and how I've felt about them. I'm kinda all excited.

All of this just means I've been working... ALOT. And it's bitter sweet. Because I need this blog as a release, yet sometimes, this blog creates pressure--if you blog, ya know what I'm talking about. So I've kinda made this a not so high priority anymore. But I still read on my reader and keep up to date with ya'll.

I did, however, want my first post back to tell you of a small experience. It's in the bathroom, at work, AGAIN.

I've told you time and time again, that I think going to the bathroom is a colossal waste of time. I hate it. It's boring.

So I hold it until the last possible minute. Well when you are trying to eat Healthy... which is not a consistent thing for me yet, but I work on it everyday of my FREAKING life, you tend to drink more water. The more water you drink, the less bloated you feel (true story), which is an AWESOME feeling... less bloated... so I was on my gotta-drink-80 oz-of-water kick and as you can imagine, when it was time to finally get up and pee, it was TIME. Well I rushed to the bathroom. Jump around getting things unzipped and pulled down. Then I start to pee. And pee. And pee. Then someone walks into the bathroom, gets in their stall, unzips and pulls down and starts peeing also.

I'm still peeing.

They finish.

I'm still peeing.

After they zip and pull everything up, open the stall door, wash their hands, and leave the bathroom.

I FINALLY finish peeing.

It HAD to be a guiness book of world records sort of record!

So question is: Is it abnormal that I even paid attention to that?

Love ya guys,

Thousands of feet in the air

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 12:00:00 +0000

So I'm sitting here thousands of feet in the air, heading to Baltimore with my family, with another womans head lying on my husbands shoulder. True story. I look over and my husbands eyes are the size of saucers as he points, with his eyes, down and to the right side showing me that the woman sitting in the middle next to him is using his shoulder as a pillow. I started laughing, especially when her mouth fell open!

But that isn't what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to tell you how it frustrates me to no end that when the cabin door closes on the aircraft and the stewardess asks everyone to turn off their electronic devices, that you always have that one doofus who either doesn't get that it means THEIR electronic devices also or they think they are above it.

Right now I am sitting behind first class, yes right behind, the seats that start the coach class... That's us.

You know that part in Titanic where the kid asks his mom while the panic that the ship is going down swirls around, asks, "Mom, when will it be our turn?" and the mom pats his head and says, "once they load the first class then it will be our turn"--- yea that's is basically what I had to tell my son when be asked, "Mom, when do we get to eat?" while we were watching first class get served their meal, I said, "when they are done serving first class then it will be our turn, the commoners". (hehehe, lol, I'm so funny-- that was totally off the subject)

Anyway, that is where we are sitting. There is the doofus about 3 rows ahead of me in first class. See I waited until electronics were approved but then I needed to vent that doofus head was asked to turn off his iPod because he hadn't after they had made the announcement, and not seconds after the stewardess sat down he pulled out the iPad and turned it on!? WTHelk? Earth to doofus, if the iPod isn't allowed you can probably assume the iPad isn't either!!!

So being the female that I am... I just sit there and fume, mumbling under the breath in my head that the guy was an "a" class idiot!

Sigh.

After all that raging inside, the next thing doofus does is turn Tangled on to watch on his iPad, my new favorite Disney movie... So now I can't be mad at him... I just realize he is a soft hearted, actual clueless, doofus... And that isn't so bad.

Hope all is well out in blogland. Miss you guys. This working extra hours is kickin my butt! But it allowed us this vacay... And life is all about memories we create right? Right.

Until I write again! And I am still reading you on my reader!!! Thanks for keeping me entertained!

What did you learn today?

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 14:55:00 +0000

Image taken from here.

At dinner yesterday, after watching 4 hours of LDS General Conference with my kids, I asked them, "So what did you learn today watching General Conference?"

I thought they would think back to the game we play while we watch to promote listening. We tag a word to a bowl (we had six in all, one for each person there) of treats and when that word is said, we pass the bowl of treats around and can pick one treat until the word is said again. The kids actually listen for the word... you can imagine how fun it was when there was that talk about tithing and one of our words was tithing... we ate the whole bowl in one talk because the word was said so much! That is what my son said he learned... about tithing and why we do it and what the money goes for. It helped that he got a Reese's Peanut butter mini egg every time the speaker said, "tithing". :)

My daughter, however, piped in with this, "I learned not to talk while someone is saying the prayer". That is true!

We all started laughing.

But, hey, at least she learned something. Baby steps people, baby steps.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Love,

Why I'm there and not here... or whatever

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 18:15:00 +0000

This is why I am not HERE... work work and more work... and inbetween, editing.

So I posted on my Photography blog, but have yet to have time to do much else besides work.

Love you guys!

A band wagon jumper on-er...

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 15:34:00 +0000

I can't believe this has happened to me... a complete parent FAIL!!!

My daughter is a band wagon jumper on-er!!!

It's true.

Yesterday she was wearing a Justin Bieber shirt and reading a Justin Bieber book...

This morning I walked in and found this hanging up on her push pin wall...

It's true... a Justin Bieber poster! I may have bought the shirt and book for her with begging and pleading... but a POSTER!?

I'll understand if you judge me, I would do the same in your position...

The apple, however, hasn't fallen too far from the tree... I remember putting up a poster, or two, of New Kids On The Block when I was younger... but I had reformed and thought that I could teach my children better... apparently I failed.

Do you think I can find a support group? Let me know, I'll wait here and wallow in my failure.

Have a good Tuesday everyone!

I got worked and other stuff...

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 12:00:00 +0000

We had the greatest time up north hanging out with cousins for my son's birthday. I loved that he would rather have a birthday party with family than one with friends... is that weird of me? I didn't make him choose that, he wanted it... ftr.

But one thing, we had his birthday at this place where there is a bunch of trampoline's. It's called Jump on It. It's a crazy fun place for kids. Only thing is, they nickle and dime you, like any thing else.

Except I hate falling for it, and fall for it I DID. We had family coming in from an hour and a half away to spend about that same amount of time with us for DCar's birthday (which we were SOOOO appreciative). I thought I could do his party cheaper if I paid per person rather than rent the party room and get their package deal. So the original plan was to go eat after we jumped at the place... ya know, like grab $5.00 pizza at Little Caesars. Only, the nearest pizza place wasn't so near and I didn't want to make those family that had come a distance, travel any more. I found out that we couldn't BRING IN outside food (of course), but that they DID have a pizza place they ordered through and we could get pizza that way--(how kind of them right? *rolls eyes*).

It was $14.00 per pizza. I ordered three. I figured at 14.00 dollars these pizza's were going to be pretty awesome and from a pretty classy place right?

Wrong, as we see the 5 BUCK PIZZA guy walk in with my three pizza's he was delivering.

Yea, so I got worked. But that was the only downer of the whole weekend... and my boy is worth it... I think ;)

I jumped right back into work and have been editing like a mad lady for my latest photo shoot... here's a preview--I've taken this girl before when she was just barely walking, I love REPEAT customers, and whom I consider friends. It's soooo good to see how these children grow up! I know, cliche, but oh so true! :)

What did you guys do this weekend? And would you have said something to the Owners of the Jump On It about the pizza... like... Where's my 9 bucks per pizza you pretty much stole from me?

See Mom Smile shows me the way... if you want to help...

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 16:13:00 +0000

I was reading in my reader and found THIS POST by See Mom Smile... who I have met in person btw... and I thought that I'd pass on her awesome message, although, you should read her post because it's better and way more informative.

But basically, I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I pay my tithing and this is where some of it goes to. I love that because I know no matter the disaster, in some way, I have been a part of helping it.

You, however, don't have to be Mormon, or LDS, or pay your tithing to donate to the LDS Charities who is a major part of ANY disaster and in a lot of the cases, first to respond with help.

Here's the LINK again. It's a charity you know your money WILL be put to helping those areas greatest hit by the Japan Disaster and any other disaster that comes along... which is inevitable.

Hope you all have a good weekend!

It's my son's 9th birthday and so I have to go party with him right now... I'll leave you with a little treat he and his sister did for St. Patty's Day yesterday...

Your. Welcome. And YES my kids are super rad!

I got a call...

noreply@blogger.com (Shelle-BlokThoughts) — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 17:45:00 +0000

I got a call on Sunday.

We have a policy that we don't answer calls on Sunday's because it's usually someone from the ward... and you know how THOSE calls go.

Yet, I answered it. Don't ask me why because I can't tell you.

It was my Bishop.

NOT a good sign.

He asks me if I knew I had an appointment with him that was 5 minutes ago.

Me: "uhhhh no..."

Him: "hmmmm it has you scheduled on here? Can you come down to the church in the next 15 minutes?"

Me: against my better judgement I say, "sure".

So I rush down there (a block and a half a way) and meet with the Bishop.

He wanted to extend me another calling.

Ut oh.

If any of you know me AT ALL you will immediately begin to laugh the minute you find out what I was called to.

Ready?

YOUNG WOMEN'S GIRL'S CAMP.....

WAIT FOR IT...

DIRECTOR!!!

BWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! HEHEHEHEHE!!! LOL LOL LOL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I asked him if he was kidding. He said he wasn't.

Now we have a choice whether we want to accept the callings or not. But as I told my newest online BFF textpal, who I like to refer to as the other half of my soul, we will call her Doppleganger or DG for short because I will probably refer to her more often (and YES she is a real person-except she isn't evil which usually dopplegangers are, but she is my look- alike in personality-and so I'm going with it, she's actually a lot prettier than me, but we won't talk about it) we don't have to accept the calling, we can turn it down, but I figure if I'm getting called there is a reason.

And I think that reason is God is playing a joke on me, because I did make a New Year's Resolution to not camp at ALL ever again for the rest of my life...

Okay I didn't make that resolution... but I should have!

I avoid camping. I'll go and be so fun, but I don't love it.

I went to 2 years of Young Women Girl's Camp and I think only certified one year!

Now I am in charge of the girls in my ward to take them camping, and on top of that... I have to make sure they are fed physically AND spiritually... oh oh oh... and try to help them have fun!?

Pray for me...

Actually, better yet, pray for the girls!

p.s. Any suggestions you have to help me... would be much appreciated because I doubt twinkles and ho ho's are acceptable food substitute's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...

Love,