BLONDE LOGIC

Tuxedo shirts and tulips

2013-06-19T14:34:51-07:00

Tuxedo shirts and tulips It takes so long to get to know people. Lately I’ve been trying to script a few key questions that I consider deal breakers, in other words, qualifying questions I used to ask the typical “what’s your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?” now I stop myself from blurting out “Do you snore? Do you need a mechanical device on your face to breathe at night? Does your dick work? Ok. Pick me up at 8. You’re paying! Don’t fuck this up!” I try to have a few I can communicate with patience...

pictures from the dating world

2013-06-13T07:33:21-07:00

I have a friend who is online dating. No, it’s not me claiming it’s a friend, it is really a friend. I am the anti dater. I don’t like dating. The last thing I want to do with my free time is go meet a stranger with the mutual hope that we like each other on many levels. It’s the pressure cooker of one on one socializing. Online dating sites should come with testimonials about the ramifications online dating can have on one’s self esteem. “Hey for $19.99 a month you can receive an abundance of emails from guys. These...

Weepy Werewolf

2013-06-10T10:14:05-07:00

I’m not much of a crier. People learn that about me over time and think I’m tough. Or less feminine. Or heartless. The point is there are a lot of labels put on girls who don’t cry much, labels which would make a girl who cries, cry. It’s not that I don’t have depth, I do. I just have a high tolerance for emotional pain. Physical pain? Forget it. I’ve been known to display low level histrionics over a stubbed toe. That shit hurts. I think I learned not to cry from the way others reacted to my displays of...

Catatonic Coping

2013-06-02T21:04:39-07:00

My sister got the seven year itch, from me. We have been roommates for seven years and she’s packing up her things and taking the show on the road. Moving to Portland Maine. Someplace unaccessable by subway. It’s like a break up. I’m kinda hoping I respond by hooking up with a bunch of guys. My coping mechanisms have never included extreme promiscuity which is unfortunate for me and the men in my immediate line of vision. The thing is, I cope with change like a wild animal who spots its predator. I freeze. I remain still and stoic. The...

Love Meddler

2013-05-13T10:46:43-07:00

I recently had a friend of a friend hound me to set her up with one of my guy friends. One of my favorite guy friends. Finally she said to me “give me your number, I’ll text you pictures of me” an aggressive move on her part. At that point, my hesitation and deliberation about introducing people from different parts of my life, is taken out of the equation. I can’t receive the pictures then not pass them on. Then I’m a sexy picture hoarder. I passed them along and thought “now I’m involved, whether they like it or not”...

bellyaches > colds

2013-05-07T13:39:19-07:00

I’ve had a cold for almost two weeks. The worst part about having a cold is everybody knows just by talking to you, that you have a cold. I deal with the public a lot so I have been bombarded with “you have a cold? or you think its allergies?” “what are you taking?” “how long have you had it?” “you sound like, that lady, what was her name?” It goes on and on. People LOVE to talk about colds. My mother will call “you sound worse” “you sound better” “did you get the zycam?” “are you drinking orange juice?...

Self Taunt

2013-04-22T10:13:38-07:00

I’ve been mean to myself lately. If I was going out with me, I’d break up with me right about now. I’m trying to get back into the self help scene. I used to read self help books. In fact, that is all I read, one self help book after another. Sometimes I would read them 2 or 3 times in a row. That’s how bad I want to be normal. I’m willing to learn. All my self help books are worn at the seam. Any chapters titled anything along the lines of ‘how to stop being attracted to unavailable...

Ayudame

2013-04-15T10:29:56-07:00

Someone recently told me I need to work smarter. No elaboration just a matter of fact statement. Please, Judger of Work Intelligence, show me the way. Don’t make my life a fable: “the girl who learned she worked wrong” There was a girl wandering the world working stupid. Working stupid over here. Working stupid over there. Everybody could see her working stupid. Then, one day, the Judger of Work Intelligence pointed it out to her. He told her “You need to work smarter. I know you are trying really hard and not getting the results you want. I know that....

Yesteryear Protection

2013-02-12T09:42:22-08:00

I have been applying for conventional jobs. Jobs that have a set schedule and a designated desk where people come to talk to you about deadlines, going out for drinks, or, hopefully, some fucked up but good looking coworker. Not a bartending or stand up comedy job where going to work runs the possibility of someone throwing up in front of you or calling you names and laughing at the same time. A job where I am protected from my yesteryear, where going to work does not have a heightened risk of unexpected and unanticipated social visits. Places where I...

Taunting the Stranglers

2013-01-08T10:12:22-08:00

Somebody recently asked me that age old question “Do you think you’re afraid of success?” I wish I was afraid of success. That would be a normal fear. I’m afraid to wear a scarf. I wear a scarf and I feel like I’m taunting the stranglers. I’m walking down the street trying to keep warm thinking “I’m a walking crime scene, an accomplice in my own murder. I put this scarf on, I went out in public, I knew there were people in the world who like to strangle people, and I flaunted an opportunity right in front of their...