Blonder and Thinnerrrr

Manly Man Man Commercials During Football but WHAT ABOUT THE (GIRL) CHILDREN?!

2010-02-09T16:27:00.007-05:00

Covered all over the interwebz are discussions of the particularly pathetic and desperately misogynist commercials shown during this year's Super Bowl. Via Jezebel, I quite enjoyed this flow chart to analyze the masculinizing effects of television commercials. As Amanda Marcotte from Pandagon, puts it, these commercials would have us believe that modern masculinity is barely surviving a vagified assault. Heehee. VAGIFIED. That Dodge Ram commercial ("Man's last stand") was so sad, I didn't even want to punch anyone. 'Cause I mean, SRSLY? Dear sirs: No one can MAKE you eat fruit or not act like an asshole in front of your girlfriend's parents, but they are generally advisable actions. Also, why is Dove marketing man-soap? But I digress.

But anyway: the problem with the Super Bowl's "I'm a MAN" commercials is not so much that they are insulting to women (though they are) or even that they are insulting to men (which they most definitely are also), it's that a huge (inter)national media event like the Super Bowl reaches its icky, capitalist-fueled gendered message tentacles into the homes of millions: millions of CHILDREN. Though I do a kind of disgusting amount of research on the gendering of boys and the devastating effects of hegemonic masculine ideals enforced by peers, parents, and fucking football commercials on young men, I want to talk about the lady children. Yes: GIRLS. Though I am now a dirty, hairy-legged feminist academic elitist man-hater who is able to view cultural productions like advertising and pick apart the gendered messages therein and sometimes make oversimplified jokes to my gentleman consort like, "Get it? 'Cause [insert consumer good here] is totally like a PENIS!" I was once a young girl. Ahhh, those were the days.* (The following discussion is incredibly heteronormative, so sorry lovely gay readers, I am not quite so familiar with how gendered media messages fuck with your relationships too--or not! Feel free to lay some knowledge on me in the comments.)

Growing up in my pre-ex-Mormon days as a kind of proto-feminist girl, the messages I received from role models, peers, and the media made me kind of terrified of men. And I don't mean in a child molester kind of way, though getting leered at by teens and adults while still in elementary school and reading too many of my mother's Woman's Day and Better Homes and Gardens magazines certainly made me aware of my inherent vulnerability to assault or abuse because of my gender. No no, I mean in a "I really like boys and I want to get married one day and hopefully have a boyfriend as soon as I'm allowed to date when I'm 16 and whatnot, but from what I understand, male people are assholes who are stupid, lazy, mean, and just want to fuck me." Though this sentiment probably manifested more as a kind of nebulous, anxious discomfort and with less swearing in my head. See, I have older brothers, and though they are far more masculinely gendered than really seems necessary, they are, after all, PEOPLE with all the complexity that that entails and I experienced the good and the bad the way you do with regular, three-dimensional humans growing up with them. My dad is also happens to be an awesome guy who clearly has feelings, cares about people, is very smart and competent, and appears to be the best kind of partner to my mother.

So when my (kind of proto-feminist herself) mom would say things like, "[Mormon] men have to have the Priesthood because it forces them to help people." I thought, "WTF? Like dudes are incapable of caring about people or something? That doesn't jive with the masculine-identified human beings I am acquainted with." Something really rang false when responding to some friends and me talking about a teenage boy we knew being creepy to a younger girl, she said, "All boys care about is sex. If they didn't, they wouldn't ever want to get married and have kids." As much as I cringe at thought of my own our anyone else's parents' sexuality, I (internally) called bullshit even then. I'm pretty sure my dad WANTED to marry my mom and WANTED to have kids for other reasons besides being able to get it on. Gross. And though in elementary school the occasional asshole boy in my class would try and tell me girls were bad at such-and-such task, it always sounded particularly stupid since I was inevitably smarter than whoever was saying it and probably most if not all of the other kids in my class too and I assumed it was mostly motivated by jealousy. Don't worry, my self-esteem took the culturally-sanctioned nosedive at puberty.

So while the sexist messages that got blatantly expressed didn't seem to gibe with reality, they caused me a good bit of anxiety (shock, shock). I knew plenty of stupid dudes, immature dudes, creepy dudes, etc., but I figured that any place before college wasn't really the place to find the semi-gender-nonconforming man of my dreams. I think being friends with/having crushes on/being like by so many cool dudes who ended up eventually coming out as gay helped me keep hope alive for men who did not adhere to the arrogant, violent, insensitive dude stereotypes I had been taught were the inevitable elements of masculinity. And though I've never gone for the manly-man type and they're not likely to go for me either, it did take me a few relationships to figure out that just because someone doesn't overtly present as super-masculine doesn't mean they don't buy into certain stereotypes of acceptable male behavior. Casual misogyny in the guise of intellectual arrogance, "irony," or complete inability to comprehend the emotional life of others does not a feminist man make. And while I realize everybody has their flaws and it is difficult to just shrug off our life-long gender training, it becomes clear, at least in retrospect that shit I put up with from men was due to (at least) these three factors:

Insensitivity, cluelessness, or even cruelty become self-fulfilling prophecies for men who grow up in a society in which these attributes are if not exactly encouraged, then at least tolerated as unalterable parts of the male psyche. Being a terrible and immature partner is CUTE and ENDEARING, see? Just ask Judd Apatow!
Male privilege insulates young men and boys from being called on certain behaviors that are unhealthy and I would say unacceptable in interpersonal relationships. Because jackassery has been tacitly or overtly condoned by parents, teachers, previous partners, and probably mostly male peers, many men think that being a jerk is the appropriate masculine performance for heterosexual relationships. Heaven forbid you become "pussy-whipped" and learn empathy! But can I just point something out? Acting like an asshole doesn't make you more of a man, it makes you more of AN ASSHOLE.
Perhaps most troubling, us ladies grow up if not exactly believing in these stereotypes in full, at least having been beaten over the head with them so often as to be complacent when they may be enacted in our real-life relationships. I put up with unacceptable treatment from male partners who were supposedly pro-feminist or at the very least "progressive" because I expected such behavior to a certain extent, and figured that at least they were liberal dudes who didn't REALLY hate women and I couldn't really do better anyway.

Do you see how these things are fucked up? Not only do we (the culture at large AKA advertising executives I HATE YOU ALL) stunt men emotionally and then encourage them to act out like whiny babies who are supposedly victimized and emasculated by the lady-run world that is tragically not just like an episode of Sports Center on loop, but we tell women that this is what men are "just like," that we should accept this, roll our eyes, and clean the toilet our own goddamn selves. NOBODY WINS IN A PATRIARCHY. Duh. And since changing the definitions of masculinit(ies) is a slow and difficult process, the least we could do is find a way to reach out to those young girls and women who are watching the Super Bowl (They exist! Shocking!) and teach them to critically read the media. Most importantly they need to know that they deserve better than what society wants to offer them in the form of romantic relationships. Because as man-hating as these commercials are, women are the ones who inevitably have to clean up the messes (emotional, household, etc.) caused by dudes who have soaked up the cultural stereotypes that allow them to be lazy and reckless because, hey, they can't help it. CARS PENIS STEREO HOT CHICKS FOOTBALL PORN ELECTRONIC GADGETRY BACON SEXBOTS EXPLOSIONS FAST CARS HAMBURGERS CONTROLLING WOMEN'S BODIES BEER CHIPS BEER CHIPS BEER CHIPS.

*At 26, I still think of myself and most of my female friends as "girls" as opposed to "women" most of the time, but I would be pissed if someone who had power over me and/or I didn't like called me one. I think that's part of the reason I've latched onto "ladies"--it is kind of silly but still sounds more mature than "girls" without having to claim the full adulthood that "women" entails. I THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS, PEOPLE.

I catch up on Pluggers

2010-01-30T01:26:00.006-05:00

No blatant prescription drug abuse references recently, but still, here are some gems from the last month in Pluggers:

This panel literally activated my gag reflex. You're welcome.

Though this building APPEARS to be an outhouse on a frozen lake, I believe it is actually supposed to be what is called an "ice shanty"* utilized by those participating in "ice fishing," which is pretty much a combination of the two worst things in the world: winter and fish. BTW, does anybody else think walking on frozen lakes/ponds/water what-have-yous is pure devilry and just tempting fate? I've seen Little Women, people! It's unnatural and the universe is in the right avenging this breach by pulling people through the ice.

Between the paper and their street pharmacists, Pluggers could teach Congress a thing or two about lowering costs. AMIRITE, people? . . . Pluggers are going to die. Very soon.

*Thank you for that bit of redneck knowledge, Wisconsin.

State of the Union Announcement

2010-01-27T18:26:00.002-05:00

Dear America,

I could probably cover this by writing on my sister's facebook wall, but here 'tis on the blog anyway: I won't be covering the State of the Union address tonight. Two large reasons: 1) THESIS and 2) I am not drinking right now, and sobriety kind of defeats the whole purpose of watching political speeches.

In other news, the state of this blog is kind of on hold until I finish this thesis thing. But I'm done with PhD apps, and have one chapter written, so not all is pain and woe.

Enjoy the pretty presidentialin' talking without me. And take a drink every time Nancy Pelosi and/or Joe Biden makes an awesome face behind the president.

Loooove,

Laurennn

This is not a joke. Or it's, like, the sneakiest and most convincing parody of all time.

2010-01-20T21:16:00.005-05:00

Many of my relatives are set on "limited profile" for me on Facebook so that they do not have access to my hundreds of drunken photos and do not get alerted when I write "sorry I threw up again" on people's walls on Sunday afternoons. These same relatives (who had the gall to friend me in the first place) have not offered me the same courtesy. My aunt, who I have only met a few times and whose familial claim to fame includes leaving the Mormons to marry a minister from an even more conservative Christian (and Southern!) church, sometimes posts ridiculous Facebook statuses. Since it would be a dick move to just copy and paste it into my own status and then write WTF!!!??? where she could read it and I might actually hurt someone's feelings,* I'm copying and pasting it here:

WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Press 1 for English, Press 2 to disconnect until you learn to speak English, And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, JESUS CHRIST, And the AMERICAN SOLDIER. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom. If you agree... copy and paste in your status

W FUCKING T F??!!? SRSLY?

Luckily, this is one viral trend already covered at STFU, Conservatives, a website that would be too depressing to follow on a regular basis. God, I love America. This is so exactly what I'm writing about in my thesis right this moment. Ahhhh.

*I have a little bit of a soul.

While I write my thesis, other people write funny things on the internet

2010-01-18T16:47:00.002-05:00

Exhibit A: Jill induces us all to embark on a worthwhile experiment involving observing our fellow human beings. Predictably, the results of which culminate in the conclusion that "exceedingly few non-aborted fetuses become saintly millionaire football players." True. (I Blame the Patriarchy)

Exhibit B: Josh's choice of comics to mock falls in line with my ongoing thesissary investigation into militarism and masculinity. Some highlights from the other day include: "[General Halftrack] secretly harbors fantasies of someday becoming a 147-star general." Ha! Also, " Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash my mustache for the next nine hours." Ha squared! Oh, the funnies. (The Comics Curmudgeon)

And here I sit on the seventh floor of the library, half hyped on a random plastic 22-ounce bottle of Rockstar Punched (orange mango & passion fruit flavor) from a flat Isaac found a the Big! Lots!, copying and pasting things from other blogs in lieu of actually blogging and copying and pasting paragraphs and pages from old papers of mine into a document that will one day be the second chapter of my thesis (chapter one does not exist yet, either, mind you), entitled "Selling Masculinity, One Camouflaged Can of Soda at a Time: War and Gender in American Culture." I might insert "Post-9/11" in there somewhere. I have been known to throw around the term "post-post-9/11" also which totes sounds like something that would be included in a spoof of a humanities paper, but I recently read it in a published scholarly book so somebody else pulled the same term out of their ass and are apparently employable, so I am clearly a genius and will totally get 100 pages written in the next couple weeks, successfully defend my thesis at the end of February, and graduate in May on schedule. Also, I will have shiny, lustrous hair while I do it. I don't know why. I've had a lot of this Rockstar.* Better get back to poaching my own academic work now. Huzzah! I promise one day to return to the webernets on a semi-regular basis and write some silly presidential posts.

*"What is going on up here?" -Charlie, It's Always Sunny, gesturing to head.

Thoughts for today

2010-01-11T21:59:00.002-05:00

Ethan Embry, of That Thing You Do! fame (to me and my sister, anyway) was featured on House tonight as a dying guy. Good to see that kid working. Last thing I saw him in was the terrible, terrible low-budget Pizza that I randomly spotted at my local independent video store in St. Paul that no longer exists.

Intensive thesis writing to ensue*

2010-01-10T20:44:00.003-05:00

I have to defend my as-of-yet nonexistent thesis at the end of February, so I should probably be blogging more than ever in the near future. Here are some things I have to say:

Never see 500 Days of Summer. Emo bullshit piece of Nice Guy (TM) crappy crapness. Sorry, JGL.

You could probably afford to skip Jennifer's Body. Meh.

Go see the new Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes because of hot boys, awesome old-timey facial hair and also lots of great three-piece patterned suits.

I have a flat of Rock Star Punched energy drinks and several stacks of library books. Let us pray to the Sexy Gay Jesus that I survive relatively intact. Though for the time being I have traded in my prodigious boozing for excessive caffeine, so hopefully that will affect my work ethic positively.

Blogggin

2009-12-22T03:58:00.004-05:00

I, by the way, still exist. I am in joyous vacation/not really vacation mode because I need to be reading about 1200 books recommended by my thesis committee (proposal accepted, topic form submitted to grad college, woot!) and a couple PhD apps to finish up. But whatevs. I am going home later on this week for the Christmas. I plan on watching much TV and TV on DVD with the sister on the couch in the parents' basement until Isaac comes to town, after which he will join us on the couch (with a short break inserted for New Year(')s in Seattle). It is a very large couch. Much nicer than anything my parents owned while I actually lived at home, of course. Perhaps I will blog, perhaps I will continue in laziness. But I still exist.

Oh, and I can link to some things. Amanda Marcotte talks about douches being douchey to service employees. THESE PEOPLE HAVE SHITTY JOBS, GOOD GOD GIVE THEM A BREAK. Two summers working at a grocery store were QUITE enough to make me work hard to never have to serve the public again. People are assholes just because they can be. Upwards of $7.00 is not enough to deal with your bullshit. I'm talking to you, lettuce-complaining lady with her young son at 11:30 p.m. one weeknight at Safeway in Helena, MT in summer 2005. I AM BUT A LOWLY CASHIER WHO WANTS TO GO HOME AND GET DRUNK, IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT OUR PRODUCE IS NOT TIP-TOP LATE AT NIGHT, BUT NO ONE WHO WORKS IN THAT DEPARTMENT IS HERE RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T CARE IF WAL-MART IS CHEAPER. I HATE YOU. I HATE MY JOB. I HATE MY JOB MOSTLY BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU. Also, your child is learning that it's okay to treat service employees like shit. You're lucky I forgot your name immediately, or I would have so started harassing you in retaliation. Anyway, I'm still bitter about that one.

But, go look: Let's just take it all out on the powerless! (Pandagon). And for laughs: Not Always Right, funny & stupid customer quotes. Service employees are doing us all favors all the time for crap pay, so let's behave gratefully and give them the benefit of the doubt when they're having a bad day because other people treat them like shit.

A conspiracy in the works

2009-12-16T02:20:00.003-05:00

Why is my student health insurance (through Aetna, who by the way, once claimed on a statement that the student health insurance that I buy through the school and am required by the school to have doesn't cover visits to the student health center, you know, on campus, but I digress) charging me $23 for a seasonal flu shot I got a couple of months ago when I was able to get an H1N1 vaccine for free last week? Also, why did the regular flu shot make me feel ill for 12 hours and like I got punched in the arm, while the H1N1 shot just itched a little bit the next day? When I find out whichever government agency is harvesting my genetic tissue for nefarious biological weapons research, they'd better not have charged me for it. Assholes. I can has move to Canada now, plz?

Masculinity and its bullshittiness (future children edition)

2009-12-03T02:46:00.004-05:00

I can has?

Hey kids!

Did you know that I am writing a thesis about masculinity, energy drinks, and militarism? Because I am! I often don't write about my academic work on here because a) I'd be tempted to just copy and paste my class or thesis work into a post and/or b) I don't want to talk about it anymore after writing a fucking proposal in which I have to very clearly justify why I am doing such a project and/or c) I assume that I just talk about it a lot and all y'all know me in real life and are tired of hearing about it or will be soon and/or d) I would like my blog to not feel like homework. But anyway, I have a master's degree that I will hopefully be finishing up in the next six months with a submitted proposal and many PhD program applications in the works. I am an aspiring/partial cultural studies academic and it is awesome. I miss money because it is nice and I don't need food stamps when I have it or have to carry a frightening credit card balance or anything; however, the real job I had before was soul-sucking. Good pay and benefits, an awesome boss and coworkers, and working at my alma mater, a cause to believe in. However, data entry just isn't the career path I wanted to pursue. I am far too nerdy for that. Besides, I'm going to get married now, and he's going to graduate from the doctoral program soon and maybe get a job and maybe someday we'll have money (ha!), but at least we'll be able to combine incomes and that will be cheaper. I hope.

This is all to say that maybe I don't address my particular beefs with masculinity enough on this here bloggity blog, even with it being my main focus of study. So here's a linky to a post at Sociological Images that shows girls playing with 'boy' toys. But we won't be seeing boys play with dolls or kitchen sets or anything! Heaven forbid! As if recognizing the fact that male persons will and do have home lives in which it should be required for them to participate equally in domestic tasks and child rearing would cause their little boy penises to fall off. And I just made you think of little boy penises, you perv! Anyway, Isaac and I plan to have three babies (no more, no less) as of now, which I know is a silly naive grad school fantasy that I'm totally going to pull off with no trouble with him staying home and us somehow still eating with my academic job and blahblahblah. But what I am confident of is that despite their skinny, neurotic, nerdy, possibly bearded tendencies, our kids are going to probably be inundated with anti-gender training. Please let us be the parents with the boy who likes to play house and the less-problematic but still slightly transgressive girl who wants to race cars. If my baby girls want to play princess I will try not to cry, because god knows I liked girly shit as a kid, but I will also warp them with prematurely critical feminist skills. Boy and girl kids. Fucked up they may be in social situations, but far less fucked up than the binary gender paradigm as it stands now.

Love,
Lauren "the future parent who is getting old (26) and serious enough to think about this shit way too much and maybe my biological clock has been ticking for several years and BEING A LADY IS COMPLICATED"

The President talks about Afghanistan, I contribute nothing

2009-12-01T19:57:00.006-05:00

Live bloggin, bitchez!

8:01, right on time.

A crowd of cadets is even more boring to look at than a crowd of congress costumes.

The prez is getting grayer these days.

9/11!!

Why does Barack Obama love Islam so much?

NATO apparently works.

"The decision was made" to start the war in Iraq. Nameless sources of decisionry.

Go ahead and clap for yourselves, uniformies.

Who consults with allies? Wimp.

Watching Sarah Palin talk is way more entertaining.

30,000 new friends to the Afghan people are on their way!

Hillary Clinton, woot!

Giving Pakistan nuclear weapons was, like, an awesome idea.

He is so freakishly good at talking. JEALOUS.

No blank checks anymore! Best movie ever, BTWs. Mr. Macintosh? Waterslide from inside the house? Remember?

Afghanistan has cancer! Also, Pakistan. Maybe we should try some visualization techniques to shrink the tumors.

PAH-ki-stahn. Tah-li-bahn. But Afghanistan is pronounced normally.

These is totally not Vietnam, you guys!

McChrystal has a very colorful uniform and a terrible haircut.

HRC's hair is looking nice.

Eisenhower quote!

"We failed" = George Bush sucks!

Let's be nimble like Jack and watch out for the candlestick of diffuse enemies.

Why does Barack Obama hate America's awesomeness at nuclear weapons?

FDR reference!

Um, sorry Mr. President, but America don't make mistakes.

I've become obsessed with trying to spot the interpreter for the deaf. I keep just seeing security guys standing in front of the stage? Does West Point no admit the hearing impaired?

Let's all get united! Why is the president's being made up of fibers? My being is made up of liters of vodka.

I flatly refuse to be stigmatized

2009-11-29T21:40:00.003-05:00

Apparently some asshole thinks that the government shouldn't give out food stamps because it makes us too lazy. SRSLY. Unfortunately for John J. Miller, I am NOT ASHAMED of receiving food stamps, they are awesome. I am in grad school so I don't have to get a real job. The state of Ohio is funding my education and paying my measly assistantship stipend anyway, so why not keep mooching off the government for my groceries too? I like my dependency just fine, thank you very much.

See for yourself: In Praise of Stigmas. (John J. Miller at The Corner, National Review Online)

Don't worry, I don't actually read the National Review, my friends at Sadly, No! brought this gem to my attention.

Rebel Yelling: Volume V--9/11ish

2009-11-28T03:33:00.003-05:00

Back in September, Matthew Jarzen tried to remind us all about The 9/11. We read:

We forgot our 9/11 promises. (Matthew Jarzen, UNLV Rebel Yell)

I contemplate why this comic would never happen

2009-11-25T15:23:00.007-05:00

Is anyone else confused about this timeline? According to something actually reputable I read here on the internet, smallpox vaccinations were routine in the United States until 1972. Up until then, it was recommended for all children at the age of one. So technically a person born in the U.S. as late as 1970 or 1971 could have been subject to routine vaccination. That would be make said person nearly forty years old now. And while, obviously, it is possible for a forty year-old or younger person to be a grandparent if they had children young and so did those children even without having gotten pregnant while technically still in high school, I do not think this is usually the demographic Pluggers is meant to represent (they're supposed to be OLD). Also, which "war" would we be talking about in this case? The Persian Gulf War? I'm pretty sure that never happened.

Let us consider a different timeline. When someone asks "Grampa" about the "war," I myself think of World War II. Both of my grandfathers served in the Navy during that conflict, and one of them also served in Korea. I know a bit about my maternal grandfather's war experiences in the Pacific mostly because my mother is both nosy and a gossip, which I love and is incredibly valuable in picking up family history tidbits. However, I NEVER would have asked my grandpa about the war or where he got a specific scar. Maybe that's because we don't talk about personal things in my family or maybe because I'm pretty sure I was never in the room while he was shaving because that would be weird and we don't do that and also my grandparents are all dead. But really, to be a WWII vet, this dog-man would have to be, at the youngest, about eighty years old. And if his family reproduced later in life, he could perhaps have a grandson about eight years old or so (I'm guessing from this illustration, I don't actually know how Plugger men-beasts age). But do eight year-olds know much about WWII? Maybe if they watch the History Channel a lot. I mean, I remember reading stuff about the Holocaust in about fourth grade or so, so I'm not really sure. But would a child of that age really have a good conception about what it means for a man-dog to go to war and possibly be injured, and transfer that association to his own family member, when it happened several decades before his birth?*

But what is probably most likely in the generational timeline featured here would involve a grandfather who served in Vietnam, in which case, unless you are the grandchild of great American Hero John O'Neill who I know way too much about and who just can't stop talking about Vietnam, I don't see a kid knowing that much about it. See, even in my AP U.S. history class in high school, we covered the Vietnam War by reading a couple chapters and watching some TV specials about the sixties or something. Because, you know, it was all controversial and we lost our national manhood by losing there and blah blah blah. Not as many heroic movies made about it. So what I'm saying is, what child of this age would be all cognizant of all those issues listed in the WWII example and connect them to their own grandfather who probably doesn't really want to talk about "the war," if anyone ever mentions it at all?

These are the various assumptions I'm bringing to the table here about why this scenario is unlikely in the first place. Also, Gramps' response doesn't really make sense. And it's not funny. Also, dogs can't get smallpox, though they can go to war.

*I will concede that if a Plugger-child were to have an immediate family member CURRENTLY serving in one of our current overseas military clusterfucktastrophes, he or she would likely have a better grasp of these issues than the average child.

A few things I saw on the interwebs today

2009-11-23T15:24:00.002-05:00

I, too, want to punch this goddamn Kay commercial in the face. Assvertising. (Melissa, Shakesville)

Our favorite news source, HuffPo, asks why Ted Kennedy's son can't receive communion as the MAIN STORY on their "Politics" page. HOW IS THIS ANYBODY'S BUSINESS?! They act like ideological divides among Catholics are hot news. Pshaw, people. But anyway, mostly it reminds me of how I asked a vegan friend of mine recently if vegans could take communion, and besides pointing out that vegans can do whatever they want (contrary to popular belief, they do not have a law enforcement body), we decided that even if you really believe in transubstantiation or whatevs, Jesus totally gave his byproducts willingly, so it's cool. Never fear, Catholic vegans, I have solved a moral dilemma for you! Patrick Kennedy Communion Dispute Reveals Divide Among Catholics (fucking Huffington Post)

I address the Twilight thing

2009-11-20T15:53:00.004-05:00

This is what happens when I drink energy drinks and try to make myself work on my thesis.

So, the Twilight stuff. It is written by a Mormon lady, so of course I knew about the books a long long time ago. See, the Mormons have this obsession with knowing who all the famous Mormons are, see? It is a great party trick sometimes. Like, "Hey, who doesn't love 'Midnight Train to Georgia'? Also, did you know Gladys Knight is a Mormon convert?" And people are like, "REALLY?" Here, I will now name some more notable Mormons because I'm supposed to be working on my thesis proposal and this is more fun:

1. Our pal GLENN BECK
2. Senate "Majority" Leader Harry Reid
3. Sci-fi icon and noteworthy gay-hater Orson Scott Card
4. The Osmonds, DUH
5. THIS GUY who you might recognize from his recent awesome appearance on the choir nerdgasm show "Glee," or from his childhood roles in "Jurassic Park" or as the duckboy who liked Stephanie on "Full House." His name is Whit and I met him when he was a counselor at a Mormon youth churchy conference thing in California in 2001. He was not my counselor, but was friends with our guy counselor and he did tons of hilarious and adorable performances at the various wholesome gatherings we had multiple times a day.

Okay, but anyway, TWILIGHT. I read the first two books and they were really bad. I borrowed the third from my sister, but could never bring myself to read it. I mean I like a good trashy teen sci-fi novel as much as the next guy, but SRSLY. Vampires who sparkle? Native American werewolves? Hundreds of pages of lusting after somebody really kind of creepy and stalkerish and disturbingly pale by a girl who is completely devoid of personality? And then there's all the hype that is annoying and kind of scary what with the Twilight tattoos (so not Mormon!) and whatnot. But my interest was renewed recently when Isaac ordered the first movie from the Netflix and we watched it ironically with some friends. I was drinking, of course, and we were all horrified and amused by how abusive the "love story" is and also the complete lack of plot until, like, 2/3 of the way through the film. But so now we are excited about going to see the second one. In the theater! I never go to movies! I have never been to a film in a theater for pay here in Ohio because I am poor and cheap and most movies are terrible! But we are going to see "New Moon" tonight, and I will bring a flask, and I will laugh at inappropriate moments and we will hopefully ruin it for some lusty thirteen year-olds. Squee!

Oh, but also, this is just a long, drawn out, procrastinatory excuse to post a link to my bloglady icon, Sady, who is charmed in spite of herself by Robert Pattinson's self-mockery and examines his possibly gender-defying objectification*: The Edward Cullen Underpants Conundrum (Tiger Beatdown). Hooray! She blogs again!

*Mostly this just reminds me of my creepily serious junior high-era obsessions with Angel/David Boreanaz, John Stockton, Prince William, Mulder/David Duchovny. I REALLY wanted to kiss a boy. His particular personality was incidental.

Shockingly, Adam Lambert is not a feminist icon

2009-11-17T03:11:00.006-05:00

He and Kate with all the babies have the same hairdresser: y/y?

The interwebz tell me that some pretty shiny guy from American Idol or whatever said some shit to a magazine:

To some people, me being sexual is really offensive because I’m gay. They’re like, ‘He’s being really gay.’ And I’m like, actually, ‘No, I’m just being sexual.’ Male sexuality is frightening to America [but] female sexuality is all over the place.

FALSE. There are multiple things going on here. Let me attempt to list them in a short, numeric manner:

1. "Female sexuality" is not everywhere. "Dudes's idea of what they want female sexiness to be so they can consume it is everywhere." Using pictures of naked ladies to sell everything from underwear to toothpaste to children's Tylenol is NOT a stand-in for actual female desires. MMMkay?

2. What's "frightening" is female sexuality in general because it upends traditional narratives of female passivity/essential asexuality (except for WHORES). So don't be trying to pretend you don't benefit from male privilege by being allowed to express an assertive sexuality at all.

3. What people fear from YOU, Adam Lambert, is the desiring of the male body. It undermines our ideals about masculinity, dominance, and heteronormativity as propped up by this dominance. Boys FUCK, they are not to BE FUCKED. Duh.

4. Also, you like sparkly shit and that messes with people's gender stereotypes. Which, ya know, is not the same thing as SEXUALITY, though it may or may not be closely tied to it, not that anyone besides me and a few select others really gives a shit about such definitions and/or debates.

WHY DOES NOT EVERYONE HAVE TO TAKE A REQUIRED COURSE IN HIGH SCHOOL ON FEMINIST AND QUEER THEORY THAT TEACHES PEOPLE HEALTHY SEXUALITY AND BREAKS DOWN GENDER BINARIES AND GOOD GOD I WILL HAVE TO HOME-SCHOOL MY POOR CHILDREN WHO WILL ALREADY BE ALL SKINNY AND TOO SMART FOR THEIR OWN GOOD AND AWKWARD AND NEUROTIC BUT HOPEFULLY AT LEAST BEARDED LIKE MY MAN. So apologeez, future babies: but I have found counseling to be very helpful at certain critical junctures of my life.

So what I am saying is that while I agree that there are some serious issues of homophobia in the world and in the media and whatnot, I think Adam Lambert is pretty uninformed about what constitutes representations of "sexuality" and/or sexual objectification in the public eye. That is all. Stupid Adam Lambert: GO TO COLLEGE (and take a gender studies class).

Via Just Jared (linked above) and Jezebel, of course.

P.S.: WANDA SYKES CAN DO NO WRONG. Although I am skeptical of her male sidekick on her new show, which I-Man and I watched on Saturday night because we love her. However, it was only episode 2, and I hope Fox gives her enough time to settle into a consistent (and no doubt AWESOME) tone.

Things that are wrong on the Huffington Post

2009-11-14T18:56:00.018-05:00

Sometimes I look at HuffPo and scan it for funny video clips or interesting headlines. Usually I'm just like BLAHBLAHBLAH don't care and I NEVER read the columnists because, again, I don't care. But anyway, I do look at it sometimes because they often have breaking news first and in REALLY BIG FONT. Here are some things I did not like upon my latest perusal:

This story linked to from the front page with accompanying fashion photos:

Chloe Sevingy and Zoe Saldana wore a similar bra-out look to a Prada book party in Los Angeles Friday night.

Presumably both dressed in Prada, the "Big Love" and the "Star Trek" actresses avoided posing together.

LADIESBOOBIESCLICKHEREBIGFRONTPAGESTORYNEWS. Amirite? BTW, the above quotation is the story in its entirety.

This headline is on the "Politics" page: "Levi Johnston Posing Naked With Hockey Stick In Playgirl." Crucial information for voters everywhere, obvs.

This headline: "FDA Questions Safety Of Alcoholic Energy Drinks" with this photo:

Hey, uh, HuffPo "Business" editor, that picture is totes outdated. Sparks no longer has caffeine. DUH. Should've asked a teenager.

On to Entertainment: "Is Daniel Radcliffe A Pothead?" Really? You're really asking that? Here's some answers: Maybe. Probably. Who cares? I'd totally get high with Daniel Radcliffe. I bet it'd be hilarious, he seems like a cool kid. Also: "'Twilight' Director Reveals Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson's Romance." SHOCK SHOCK SHOCKILY WOCK. SRSLY, haven't we known this since we found out who these actors are? And: "PHOTOS: Nicole Kidman Busts Out At CMAs," 'cause boobs, right? Right below that link: "Carrie Prejean: The Bible Allows Breast Implants." HuffPo is there when you need news about other people's breasts most. Also, Carrie Prejean is apparently a biblical scholar.

I usually don't go to any of the links past Entertainment, but today I did, and boy am I glad. The main "Living" headline is "What Would You Do For God?" Nothing. I don't do favors for imaginary beings. Except for The Sexy Gay Jesus, but that's because he's my Imaginary Gay Best Friend in addition to being my Deity of Choice. Also, he pays me back in booze. Anyhow, let us look at some of the photos featured with the stories on the "Living AKA LADEEZ STUFF" page:

WAIT. WTF jolly fat lady who apparently can't stop herself from grabbing that cake? That was to illustrate Oprah's Dr. Oz's article on "health reform." Totes not problematic or anything, right?

Rebel Yelling Volume IV: Privatiiiiiize

2009-11-14T02:57:00.002-05:00

My favorite college newspaper columnist was like, "schools should be totes private" back in March. I read some shit from that:

Re-thinking our education system a necessity. (UNLV Rebel Yell)

Women's "Health" AGAIN

2009-11-12T23:08:00.005-05:00

Dear House of "Representatives":

Hey, way to go on that Stupak shit! Heaven forbid we act as if uterus-bearing bodies need medical care. I mean, different kinds than boys. Icky stuff like that is only for special interests. And ladies should have to pay for that shit themselves. Especially what with women having all that total economic equality and whatnot. Insurance companies can't possibly be asked to cover lady procedures. Especially not for slutty slutty slut women who have S-E-X. Besides, I know all y'all congresspersons are too busy struggling with the concept of "majority" and trying to be all, like, REVOLUTIONARY in your "reform" bill-passing. Concessions take a lot of energy, AMIRITE? Anyway, girls are gross and conservatives are intimidating and LIFE TAKES COMPROMISE. Besides, it's not like the Democrats need women to get elected or anything.

Love,
Lauren "I hope Planned Parenthood takes food stamps!" Chesnut

Hey, remember this?

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

John McCain's Air Quotes

www.thedailyshow.com

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Health Care Crisis

Ronald Reagan Was a Fat Child

2009-11-10T00:19:00.007-05:00

MY HERO.

Ronald "Ronnie" "President" Reagan was born in Illinois in 1911. He was nicknamed "Dutch" by his dad because he was as fat as a little Dutchman, and also his dad was totes a douchebag probably. He was totally into some Disciples of Christ church and had his first job as a lifeguard. Supposedly he saved 77 lives. Apparently people were really bad swimmers back then. He went to Eureka College, a liberal arts school in Illinois where he studied econ, sociology, and football. After college, Ronald Reagan decided to become a broadcaster for University of Iowa football and eventually moved up the radio ranks to be a Cubs announcer guy. While on the road with the Cubs in California, Ronnie did a screen test and landed himself a seven year contract with Warner Brothers Studios.

"The Gipper" was a character he played in some German-sounding film. Ronald joined the Army Reserves in 1937 while working on one of his 52 motion pictures (one a week for a year: I DARE YOU). In April 1942, he was all called-up for the wartime and whatnot. Tragically, like most real Americans (AKA me), Ronnie was nearsighted and couldn't serve overseas. Boohoo, fake hero. He eventually got shifted to the AAF PR department, where he made a bunch of cheesy training videos for the troops. After the war, Ronno was elected the president of the Screen Actor's Guild, where he served a bunch of terms, the last in 1959. He was totes cooperative with the McCarthy kids in Congress over the Red Scare. He eventually hosted the General Electric Theater on the teevee.

Ron married boring lady Jane Wyman in 1940, with whom he had two children and adopted another. They divorced in 1949, and eventually became the first divorced U.S. President! In 1952, Ron remarried to actress lady Nancy Davis. They had two more kids, including one they named after him so they wouldn't have to try and remember what he was called later. Though Reagan was a long-time Democrat, he apparently was just faking it because he supported Eisenhower and Nixon '60 v. pretty Kennedy. As a spokesman for GE, he went around the country looking at factories and being all, "Business is totes awesome!" But eventually GE fired him, and that same year, 1962, he quit the Democrats and joined the Republicans. Blahblahblah he liked Barry Goldwater and became California's governor in 1966. He tried to deal with various bums--welfare recipients and anti-war protesters in Berkeley--alike. He and Nancy were big fans of astrology, which is totes for real. My notes may or may not say "raised foxes," but I think they probably say that he raised taxes.

Ronald Reagan ran for president for the first time in 1968 and came in third in the Republican primary. He was confused for a while about whether or not to allow women to control their own bodies, but eventually fell in with the pro-life crowd. He narrowly lost to our favorite football president, Gerald Ford in the 1976 GOP convention. Anyway, in time for the 1980 election, he was really good at debating on TV all pretty-like. Just like Sr. Kennedy. Then the 1980s were happening, and besides awesome things, like my birth and the birth of most of my friends, there was the "Reagan Revolution." Whatever, it was some conservative bullshit. Reagan was the oldest elected president. In 1981, there was an assassination attempt. Reagan survived. BORING.

During his first term, the RR busted the Air Traffic Controller's union, which was pretty bitchy, as well as illiberal. Regan and his crew instituted cool supply-side magical Reaganomics. He lowered a bunch of taxes too, because that fixes everything. He also hired everybody's fave Fed chair, Alan Greenspan, invaded Grenada, escalated the Cold War, and pretty much swept the 1984 election against super-Minnesotan and fellow Macalester alum Walter Mondale. Second-term Reagan and his lady were all about the War on Drugs, bombing Libya, and amnesting Mexicans and whatnot. Then there was the Iran-Contra thing, which was not really a big deal or anything. Reagan visited Moscow a lot, and become totes popular there. During his White House tenure, Reagan got skin cancers, prostate enlargement, hearing aids, and AIDS apathy. He appointed first big lady judge Sandra Day O'Connor to the Supreme Court, so that's pretty good.

After his terms were over, the Reagan moved back to Bel Air, just like Will Smith, promoting the repeal of the 22nd Amendment (he totes wanted a third term). Then they had to admit he had Alzheimer's (and maybe did even in the White House), and he eventually died in 2004. The "Great Communicator" is the most popular douchebag to ever hold office in the twentieth century. So, good for that guy. Fucking actors...

Cowboys. They're 'merikan.

Blog business

2009-11-07T15:23:00.004-05:00

Dear readers,

There is a day in every sporadic blogger's life when she checks her email to find comments upon very old posts and goes, "Oooh," but then they are links for women's viagra and/or in Russian. It has become apparent to me that the spambots have found my blog. So, to my two or three friends who sometimes comment, now you have to type in one of those secret word thingies when you comment. I know: HARD, but would you rather I continue to get fake comments that just disappoint my soul and are sometimes creepy? So suck it. Here's some Pluggers to make us all feel better about our lives:

Pluggers are so broke, they're going to try and bring back a barter economy! "I know it is only 79 cents for that ridiculous/sad "crispy potato"/ranch dressing taco,* but will you take a paper clip necklace made my granddaughter? They are different colors!" Haha. Poverty, amirite? Also, they are tragically beverage-less.

*Not worth a try. Trust me. Yuck.

Lauren tells Ohioans how to vote

2009-11-02T23:13:00.004-05:00

Hello, fellow Wood County, Ohio residents! I have decided to go ahead and fulfill my civic duty and vote on the various state and local measures on the ballot tomorrow. I look at the various issues and tell you how should vote.

State Issues

STATE ISSUE 1: Proposed Constitutional Amendment to Authorize the State to Issue Bonds to Provide Compensation to Veterans of the Persian Gulf, Afghanistan, and Iraq Conflicts.

HOW TO VOTE: Yes. Duh. Veterans should get monies. What with having to fight in stupid wars all the time and whatnot.

STATE ISSUE 2: Proposed Constitutional Amendment to Create the Ohio Livestock Care Standards Board to Establish and Implement Standards of Care for Livestock and Poultry.

HOW TO VOTE: No. I don't really know much about it, but something that's supposedly meant to help animals, but is opposed by the Humane Society probably has some issues. Just say no.

STATE ISSUE 3: Proposed Constitutional Amendment to Amend the Constitution to Allow for One Casino Each In Cincinnati, Cleveland,Columbus, and Toledo and Distribute to All Ohio Counties A Tax on the Casinos.

HOW TO VOTE: Yes. Casinos are awesome. Also, the incredulous cops and former Secretaries of the Treasury in the pro-Issue 3 commercials are awesome. Though the anti- "The devil is in the details" one is pretty awesome too. No matter.
UPDATE: Mind changed. Voting no. Just remembered how the fine city of Toledo and interstate highway-heavy northern Ohio in general is super conducive to human trafficking. I'm not sure throwing casinos into the mix would be a step in the right direction. Also, I've decided to support only Indian-owned gaming centers, because it's the least we could fucking do for them, amirite?

Local issues:

CANDIDATES BOWLING GREEN CITY COUNCIL:
1ST WARD COUNCIL
Mark Hollenbaugh (R)
Jacob H. Redfern (D)

Apparently Jacob Redfern is the dude who woke me up one morning recently, pacing past my back window, discussing local politics on the phone for like 45 minutes. I wanted to yell at him, but I was too lazy to sit up in bed and open the window. But I guess I'll vote for a Democrat who lives in my building anyway.

CANDIDATES FOR BOWLING GREEN SCHOOL DISTRICT BOARD:
Bruce Jeffers
Eric Myers
Ellen Scholl

I have chosen Ellen Scholl. First of all, her last name is similar to "school," also she has kids in school and even knows about "sexting." Also, she is a lady and has a music degree, both of which I support. Ladiness and music.

OFFICIAL QUESTIONS AND ISSUES BALLOT WOOD CTY (BOWLING GREEN):
Bowling Green Proposed Income Tax

Yes. I love taxes. Especially since I will probably have to pay about $.50 next year. Tragically it is not a school levy, but city functioning costs will have to do for this socialization-hungry menace (me).

Info obtained from the local League of Women Voters.

Rebel Yelling: Volume III

2009-11-01T15:23:00.004-05:00

Isaac and I present to you another of Matthew Jarzen's stellar undergraduate newspaper opinion columns. And while I know we all use "they" in the singular in conversation in order to remain gender neutral, it's still ungrammatical, mmkay? You don't WRITE that shit. I can has editor? Also, we wear funny Halloween teeth:

Conservativism defined: Are you really liberal? (Matthew Jarzen, UNLV Rebel Yell)

I'm coming out... about David Lynch

2009-10-28T04:06:00.006-04:00

No, I don't sleep at night anymore, David Lynch. Thanks for asking.

Guess what, people? I've officially decided I don't like David Lynch. I'm not saying I won't ever give his work another try, but I'm not going to pretend to get it or even want to do so. David Lynch sucks. I've seen a good bit of Twin Peaks, and it was weird and fucked up, but I always meant to get back to it. I saw Blue Velvet, and kind of wanted to cry a lot about the fucked-up-ed-ness of it all. Especially naked Isabella Rossellini in the front yard. And I saw Mulholland Drive, which was like, WTF? I heart me some Naomi Watts and whatnot, but seriously. You're really just fucking with us now, right? And then recently Isaac and I watched Inland Empire. DAVID LYNCH HAS STOPPED TRYING. I have a certain appreciation for people who push beyond the formulaic in film. It's not that I'm anti-art or whatevs. I just feel like David Lynch is only successful because people who are too smart for their own good think they should learn to appreciate or embrace his non-linear storylines or characters switching bodies or S/M creepiness or Kyle McLachlan showing up over and over again or long, drawn-out, nonsensical monologues and/or flashbacks or maybe parallel universes or maybe just people wearing donkey (rabbit?) masks, sitting in silence.

I felt this way for awhile. I was like, "I don't really get the appeal of David Lynch. I mean, somebody has to push the envelope, but do I have to watch it? Because it just makes my head hurt." This was before Isaac rented from the Netflix gods Eraserhead.

NEVER

SEE

ERASERHEAD

IT

IS

TERRIBLE.

If you want to be scarred for life by creepy snake/fetus baby things that get killed by the main character in long, terrifying, gory death scenes, then go for it. I'm just saying I hated it, and would have broken up with Isaac over making me watch that if, you know, I wanted to break up with him or something. Also: the title refers to a stupid tangential dream sequence that I also hated.

What I'm saying is: just because I'm smart and can think critically doesn't mean I have to like David Lynch. He is an asshole who wants me to have headaches. FUCK YOU, DAVID LYNCH.

FUCK. YOU.

PS: See my sister's review of Lynch's 1984 film version of Dune. She is smart and probably hasn't been traumatized by Eraserhead yet.