Blonder and Thinnerrrr

Ronald Reagan Was a Fat Child

2009-11-10T00:19:00.007-05:00

MY HERO.

Ronald "Ronnie" "President" Reagan was born in Illinois in 1911. He was nicknamed "Dutch" by his dad because he was as fat as a little Dutchman, and also his dad was totes a douchebag probably. He was totally into some Disciples of Christ church and had his first job as a lifeguard. Supposedly he saved 77 lives. Apparently people were really bad swimmers back then. He went to Eureka College, a liberal arts school in Illinois where he studied econ, sociology, and football. After college, Ronald Reagan decided to become a broadcaster for University of Iowa football and eventually moved up the radio ranks to be a Cubs announcer guy. While on the road with the Cubs in California, Ronnie did a screen test and landed himself a seven year contract with Warner Brothers Studios.

"The Gipper" was a character he played in some German-sounding film. Ronald joined the Army Reserves in 1937 while working on one of his 52 motion pictures (one a week for a year: I DARE YOU). In April 1942, he was all called-up for the wartime and whatnot. Tragically, like most real Americans (AKA me), Ronnie was nearsighted and couldn't serve overseas. Boohoo, fake hero. He eventually got shifted to the AAF PR department, where he made a bunch of cheesy training videos for the troops. After the war, Ronno was elected the president of the Screen Actor's Guild, where he served a bunch of terms, the last in 1959. He was totes cooperative with the McCarthy kids in Congress over the Red Scare. He eventually hosted the General Electric Theater on the teevee.

Ron married boring lady Jane Wyman in 1940, with whom he had two children and adopted another. They divorced in 1949, and eventually became the first divorced U.S. President! In 1952, Ron remarried to actress lady Nancy Davis. They had two more kids, including one they named after him so they wouldn't have to try and remember what he was called later. Though Reagan was a long-time Democrat, he apparently was just faking it because he supported Eisenhower and Nixon '60 v. pretty Kennedy. As a spokesman for GE, he went around the country looking at factories and being all, "Business is totes awesome!" But eventually GE fired him, and that same year, 1962, he quit the Democrats and joined the Republicans. Blahblahblah he liked Barry Goldwater and became California's governor in 1966. He tried to deal with various bums--welfare recipients and anti-war protesters in Berkeley--alike. He and Nancy were big fans of astrology, which is totes for real. My notes may or may not say "raised foxes," but I think they probably say that he raised taxes.

Ronald Reagan ran for president for the first time in 1968 and came in third in the Republican primary. He was confused for a while about whether or not to allow women to control their own bodies, but eventually fell in with the pro-life crowd. He narrowly lost to our favorite football president, Gerald Ford in the 1976 GOP convention. Anyway, in time for the 1980 election, he was really good at debating on TV all pretty-like. Just like Sr. Kennedy. Then the 1980s were happening, and besides awesome things, like my birth and the birth of most of my friends, there was the "Reagan Revolution." Whatever, it was some conservative bullshit. Reagan was the oldest elected president. In 1981, there was an assassination attempt. Reagan survived. BORING.

During his first term, the RR busted the Air Traffic Controller's union, which was pretty bitchy, as well as illiberal. Regan and his crew instituted cool supply-side magical Reaganomics. He lowered a bunch of taxes too, because that fixes everything. He also hired everybody's fave Fed chair, Alan Greenspan, invaded Grenada, escalated the Cold War, and pretty much swept the 1984 election against super-Minnesotan and fellow Macalester alum Walter Mondale. Second-term Reagan and his lady were all about the War on Drugs, bombing Libya, and amnesting Mexicans and whatnot. Then there was the Iran-Contra thing, which was not really a big deal or anything. Reagan visited Moscow a lot, and become totes popular there. During his White House tenure, Reagan got skin cancers, prostate enlargement, hearing aids, and AIDS apathy. He appointed first big lady judge Sandra Day O'Connor to the Supreme Court, so that's pretty good.

After his terms were over, the Reagan moved back to Bel Air, just like Will Smith, promoting the repeal of the 22nd Amendment (he totes wanted a third term). Then they had to admit he had Alzheimer's (and maybe did even in the White House), and he eventually died in 2004. The "Great Communicator" is the most popular douchebag to ever hold office in the twentieth century. So, good for that guy. Fucking actors...

Cowboys. They're 'merikan.

Blog business

2009-11-07T15:23:00.004-05:00

Dear readers,

There is a day in every sporadic blogger's life when she checks her email to find comments upon very old posts and goes, "Oooh," but then they are links for women's viagra and/or in Russian. It has become apparent to me that the spambots have found my blog. So, to my two or three friends who sometimes comment, now you have to type in one of those secret word thingies when you comment. I know: HARD, but would you rather I continue to get fake comments that just disappoint my soul and are sometimes creepy? So suck it. Here's some Pluggers to make us all feel better about our lives:

Pluggers are so broke, they're going to try and bring back a barter economy! "I know it is only 79 cents for that ridiculous/sad "crispy potato"/ranch dressing taco,* but will you take a paper clip necklace made my granddaughter? They are different colors!" Haha. Poverty, amirite? Also, they are tragically beverage-less.

*Not worth a try. Trust me. Yuck.

Lauren tells Ohioans how to vote

2009-11-02T23:13:00.004-05:00

Hello, fellow Wood County, Ohio residents! I have decided to go ahead and fulfill my civic duty and vote on the various state and local measures on the ballot tomorrow. I look at the various issues and tell you how should vote.

State Issues

STATE ISSUE 1: Proposed Constitutional Amendment to Authorize the State to Issue Bonds to Provide Compensation to Veterans of the Persian Gulf, Afghanistan, and Iraq Conflicts.

HOW TO VOTE: Yes. Duh. Veterans should get monies. What with having to fight in stupid wars all the time and whatnot.

STATE ISSUE 2: Proposed Constitutional Amendment to Create the Ohio Livestock Care Standards Board to Establish and Implement Standards of Care for Livestock and Poultry.

HOW TO VOTE: No. I don't really know much about it, but something that's supposedly meant to help animals, but is opposed by the Humane Society probably has some issues. Just say no.

STATE ISSUE 3: Proposed Constitutional Amendment to Amend the Constitution to Allow for One Casino Each In Cincinnati, Cleveland,Columbus, and Toledo and Distribute to All Ohio Counties A Tax on the Casinos.

HOW TO VOTE: Yes. Casinos are awesome. Also, the incredulous cops and former Secretaries of the Treasury in the pro-Issue 3 commercials are awesome. Though the anti- "The devil is in the details" one is pretty awesome too. No matter.
UPDATE: Mind changed. Voting no. Just remembered how the fine city of Toledo and interstate highway-heavy northern Ohio in general is super conducive to human trafficking. I'm not sure throwing casinos into the mix would be a step in the right direction. Also, I've decided to support only Indian-owned gaming centers, because it's the least we could fucking do for them, amirite?

Local issues:

CANDIDATES BOWLING GREEN CITY COUNCIL:
1ST WARD COUNCIL
Mark Hollenbaugh (R)
Jacob H. Redfern (D)

Apparently Jacob Redfern is the dude who woke me up one morning recently, pacing past my back window, discussing local politics on the phone for like 45 minutes. I wanted to yell at him, but I was too lazy to sit up in bed and open the window. But I guess I'll vote for a Democrat who lives in my building anyway.

CANDIDATES FOR BOWLING GREEN SCHOOL DISTRICT BOARD:
Bruce Jeffers
Eric Myers
Ellen Scholl

I have chosen Ellen Scholl. First of all, her last name is similar to "school," also she has kids in school and even knows about "sexting." Also, she is a lady and has a music degree, both of which I support. Ladiness and music.

OFFICIAL QUESTIONS AND ISSUES BALLOT WOOD CTY (BOWLING GREEN):
Bowling Green Proposed Income Tax

Yes. I love taxes. Especially since I will probably have to pay about $.50 next year. Tragically it is not a school levy, but city functioning costs will have to do for this socialization-hungry menace (me).

Info obtained from the local League of Women Voters.

Rebel Yelling: Volume III

2009-11-01T15:23:00.004-05:00

Isaac and I present to you another of Matthew Jarzen's stellar undergraduate newspaper opinion columns. And while I know we all use "they" in the singular in conversation in order to remain gender neutral, it's still ungrammatical, mmkay? You don't WRITE that shit. I can has editor? Also, we wear funny Halloween teeth:

Conservativism defined: Are you really liberal? (Matthew Jarzen, UNLV Rebel Yell)

I'm coming out... about David Lynch

2009-10-28T04:06:00.006-04:00

No, I don't sleep at night anymore, David Lynch. Thanks for asking.

Guess what, people? I've officially decided I don't like David Lynch. I'm not saying I won't ever give his work another try, but I'm not going to pretend to get it or even want to do so. David Lynch sucks. I've seen a good bit of Twin Peaks, and it was weird and fucked up, but I always meant to get back to it. I saw Blue Velvet, and kind of wanted to cry a lot about the fucked-up-ed-ness of it all. Especially naked Isabella Rossellini in the front yard. And I saw Mulholland Drive, which was like, WTF? I heart me some Naomi Watts and whatnot, but seriously. You're really just fucking with us now, right? And then recently Isaac and I watched Inland Empire. DAVID LYNCH HAS STOPPED TRYING. I have a certain appreciation for people who push beyond the formulaic in film. It's not that I'm anti-art or whatevs. I just feel like David Lynch is only successful because people who are too smart for their own good think they should learn to appreciate or embrace his non-linear storylines or characters switching bodies or S/M creepiness or Kyle McLachlan showing up over and over again or long, drawn-out, nonsensical monologues and/or flashbacks or maybe parallel universes or maybe just people wearing donkey (rabbit?) masks, sitting in silence.

I felt this way for awhile. I was like, "I don't really get the appeal of David Lynch. I mean, somebody has to push the envelope, but do I have to watch it? Because it just makes my head hurt." This was before Isaac rented from the Netflix gods Eraserhead.

NEVER

SEE

ERASERHEAD

IT

IS

TERRIBLE.

If you want to be scarred for life by creepy snake/fetus baby things that get killed by the main character in long, terrifying, gory death scenes, then go for it. I'm just saying I hated it, and would have broken up with Isaac over making me watch that if, you know, I wanted to break up with him or something. Also: the title refers to a stupid tangential dream sequence that I also hated.

What I'm saying is: just because I'm smart and can think critically doesn't mean I have to like David Lynch. He is an asshole who wants me to have headaches. FUCK YOU, DAVID LYNCH.

FUCK. YOU.

PS: See my sister's review of Lynch's 1984 film version of Dune. She is smart and probably hasn't been traumatized by Eraserhead yet.

Wikipedia failed me, so now you get Pluggers

2009-10-24T02:35:00.004-04:00

Can you believe I thought of a controversial American historical figure to write a post about, and the 'Pedia let me down with a completely inadequate entry? PSHAW, people. I was required to shake off my hangover and go get three books from the library to research him instead. Though perhaps for the next few days I should really read the two books and write the paper for class Monday, continue working on PhD applications, and work in some thesis reading if I've got spare time. And/or watch a bunch of Buffy episodes with Isaac because the Pop Culture Library has the complete series and we busted through season one in three nights. Anyhow, in the meantime, until I get to my nerdy self-assigned research project, here is some Pluggers:

Two possible explanations here:

1. Baby Pluggers (shudder) don't know what alligators are because the global warming their grandparents don't believe in has caused the sea levels to rise and completely wipe out their natural habitats in Florida.

OR

2. The kid suspects his grandfather of smuggling something large and conspicuous under his be-alligatored shirt.

Also: WTF lack of question mark, Gary Brookins? Do Lil' Pluggers not understand how voice inflection helps convey meaning? Answer me, goddammit!

People who are anti-beard hate America

2009-10-20T00:50:00.001-04:00

Dear HuffPo:

Not okay.

A Message from the Sexy Gay Jesus

2009-10-16T20:51:00.005-04:00

Hello my blessed children:

As you may know, I am the Imaginary Gay Best Friend/Deity of Choice of this blog's proprietor. I am usually far too busy being fabulous and recovering from celestial hangovers to pay attention to nonsense on the interwebs. However, a horrendous Fox News screen shot at Wonkette* requires my commentary. Observe:

WTF that facial hair?! I fear I must disavow any connection between myself and that disgusting imposteur on the left. If he wants to claim the title of "Douchebag Jesus," that's fine, but he'd better use the entire title at all times. I wouldn't want anyone to confuse me with someone with such terrible sense of style as demonstrated by completely misguided personal grooming habits.

Also, is it really necesary for both of you to be wearing crowns of "thorns"? The other douchey dude sitting next to Douchebag Jesus looks like an Ed Hardy-clad scarecrow, for my sake! Anyway, no. Fucking fake Jesuses fucking messing with my reputation. GodDAMMIT.

Anyway, gotta go put something awesome on and get drunk. Oh, also, I endorse this video:

Love & tequila shots,

The Sexy Gay Jesus

*Yes, I know html, I'm fucking Jesus, for god's sake

Rebel Yelling- The Latest Installment of Awesome

2009-10-16T03:42:00.004-04:00

Matthew Jarzen's latest piece up at the UNLV site totes rocked my socks. Here the I-Man and I do a dramatic reading:

See original article: Modern liberalism is repackaged totalitarianism (Matthew Jarzen, UNLV Rebel Yell).

John Quincy Adams: More Accomplished than George W. Bush, Less Successful?

2009-10-09T19:32:00.007-04:00

A sad bird, amirite?

John Quincy Adams, our sixth president, was the son of fancy-pants second president John Adams and his fancy letter-writing and lady-advocating wife Abigail, who were each other's third cousins. That is why John Quincy Adams looks like a sad bird, he was inbred. Maybe also because he watched the Battle of Bunker Hill from near his house at age seven. He kept a diary (gay!) from the age of twelve until his death. His padre was a famous ambassador before his presidentialin' days and little JQ tagged along all over Europe, learning French and Dutch and German and the whatnot. He graduated from Harvard, passed the bar in 1791 and started practicing law in Boston. He then served as minister to the Netherlands, Portugal, Prussia, and later Russia.

He married a woman named Louise in England, with whom he had three sons and a daughter. The daughter died as a child while JQ was diploming in Russia. Also, one of their sons later committed suicide. Ouch. He served in the Mass. State Senate, lost an 1802 bid for the House of Representatives, but was then appointed to the U.S. Senate by the Massachusetts Federalists. JQ split with the Feds in 1808, and worked as a professor of rhetoric at Harvard. He helped formulate the Treaty of Ghent. John Q served as Secretary of State under overachiever James Monroe and pretty much wrote the Monroe Doctrine. He was totes all about neutrality in international matters.

In 1824, JQ Adams was elected totes fair-and-square with no controversy. Unfortch, Adams' administration was filled with a bunch of Andrew Jackson cronies and he lost Congress in the midterm elections. But he was still all about working on the American System infrastructural improvements, etc. If socialism had existed at this time, I bet Andrew Jackson would have called it that. JQ refused to be the perpetrator of Indian genocide (wimp). He supported a very unpopular tariff. It was as abominable as a yeti. Nobody liked him and also his VP was John C. Calhoun, who we all know sucks. Also, Andrew Jackson left Congress just to campaign continuously from 1824 until 1828, so he kind of won a lot. John Quincy Adams said "boohoo" in all the languages he speaks and then refused to go to Jackson's inauguration.

In 1830, Adams was elected to the House of Representatives, where he would serve for, like, a long time. He was an anti-slavery voice until the gag rule shut him up good. He tried to run for Governor of Massachusetts with the Anti-Masonic Party in 1834 but LOST. Heh. Later he helped get the Africans from La Amistad off. In 1848, while the House was in session, JQ collapsed from a cerebral hemorrhage in the Capitol and died two days later. John Quincy Adams was good at a lot of things, but not at being popular. Or being able to prevent a cerebral hemorrhage.

PS- Why must relatives of presidents insist upon running for president themselves? SRSLY, let's shake things up a bit, people.

TMI Alert: It's Not Pissing, People

2009-10-08T16:59:00.003-04:00

Apparently British Film censors are among the many people who are under the erroneous assumption that "female ejaculation" is just pissing during sex. From what I understand, the phenomenon is far from universal, but still quite common. And can I just say? Yes, I can. This is my blog, I can: as a lady who sometimes ejaculates, um, it is so not urine. How can I know for sure? First of all, if it is urine, I should really be doing a lot more laundry. Second of all, as a human being with a normally-functioning bladder, I'm pretty familiar with urine. It has a color. It has a smell. In fact, in females, it comes out of a TOTALLY DIFFERENT ORIFICE than lady juices. I would know if I were peeing my pants or my sheets or whatever, and it would not make me happy, even if I were simultaneously orgasming. It's as if no one actually believes that female sexuality can be independent and/or different from anything involving sperm. "No, honey, you just lost control of your bladder, that's all. It must be so rare for you to orgasm since for a lady IT TAKES FOREVER and is only achieved by mysterious means. You must've just gotten excited and wet the bed." Assholes.

P.S.: There are people into actual urine play in sex, and to that I say, "Gross." But whatevs, as long as you take a shower before we hang out, it's not really any of my business.

"Teen Witch" Live-Blog

2009-10-06T00:02:00.004-04:00

Isaac and I are watching 1989 teen classic Teen Witch. It's pretty magical:

WTF is with this music video beginning? Creepy!

Good thing it was just a dream!

Her little brother has a compulsive eating disorder and likes to do dramatic readings of her diary entries about dreamy, dreamy Brad.

Teen Witch and her Jewish friend ride bikes in trench coats to school.

The local Miami Vice rap crew is rapping about "the high school blues" in the hallway.

She's a smarty mcnerdface who has skipped some grades. Just got called out by bowtied teacher for being late. "Miss MILLER." Embarrassing diary page reading!

The cheerleaders wear purple leotards and are doing an "I Like Boys" song and dance routine in the locker room. WTF? Crazy teen antics with towels!

Brad took off his cropped football jersey to more easily throw footballs throw a tire. Now he's doing gratuitous push-ups.

Now Louise (the witch) and Brad have to do a sexy love scene in theater! ROMANTIC. Damn, she didn't get the part.

Brad and his blonde girlfriend are making out while he drives his Mustang and almost hits Louise on her bike. At least he stops to see if she's okay. Ah nuts, flat tire.

The pay phone is out. But luckily, here is "Madame Serena's" place to wait out the coming storm. Madame Serena looks awfully familiar. I thought I recognized her from Poltergeist: Zelda Rubinstein.

Powers are going to come to Louise on her 16th birthday next week. Tragically, no one comes to her birthday party.

Sex ed: Sparky Sperm is creepy. The freestyle rapper guy with suspenders is SO WHITE.

Louise's drama teacher just said, "Louise, there's so much of you in me, it hurts." OMG. Then she gave her a shiny necklace.

Parents are so out of touch, amirite?

She's been set up on a date with DORK.

Brad has a bolo tie and his, like, 30 year-old GF looks like she's in an '80s music video. Whoa, Louise has a hidden sexy outfit!

Louise doesn't want any drugs. Also, she thinks pot and weed are different things because she lists them separately.

The guy who plays Brad is like 20 years older than Robyn Lively. But Brad needs tutoring.

Her date is trying to assault as he drives! She just wished he'd leave her alone and he disappeared. MAGIC!

Her annoying kid brother just turned into a dog! Putting him in the tub turned him back into an annoying little brother.

Madame Serena is going to show Louise an old witch yearbook. She lived back in the 1600s and had the same necklace. No exclamation points because Louise only seems kind of disturbed when Serena shows her how to make magic counterfiet money. Serena is SO TINY. I think she's supposed to be one of the ROMA, but she can help Louise with her popularity issues.

Louise talks to herself a lot. Was this a film made for vision-impaired children? She just made it rain. On purpose and is dancing on the carousel.

Louise just made the popular girls tell each other how they really feel about each other.

Meanwhile, Madame Serena is sprinkling paprika on a frog. They're going to make him Louise's love slave. Right now Serena's about to get it on with a prince/frog.

Brad comes over to study and Louise has set a magic trap for him. This is going to turn out well. But she can't go through with it!

Brad feels kind of bad he sent her home with the sleazy date. Sorry you almost got raped!

The dick teacher is going through her purse. She's totes making a voodoo doll of him now.

The set for this classroom is so cheap, there are just like black curtains behind the bookshelves.

She's humiliating the teacher by making him take off his clothes in front of the class! Uh oh, now the mom's going to put the doll in the wash and the teacher is walking through a carwash! Comedy gold, people.

Louise won the lottery for her dramz teacher. And got her an Argentinean count boyfriend with a magical mustache.

IMPENDING RAP SCENE!

The girls on their bikes approach the "I'm hot and you're not" white boy rap crew. Louise is trying to convince her Jewish friend that she can be "funky" too. TOP THAT! Rap contest between magic rapping Jewish friend and the funky dude. Amazing.

Serena's going to help Louise become the most popular girl. Apparently Serena's losing her powers and also knows how to combine baking soda and vinegar.

Pop star Shana just "gave" Louise her lucky bedazzled jean jacket. She just made herself into the most popular girl

The rapper guys don't want her to "put up a fight." But Jewish friend is being left in the dust by all this bouncy-haired popularity.

Louise just followed Brad to his abandoned rape lodge and he took of his shirt. Sexy '80s sax music. He is so posing like a model. He totes wants to do it in this condemned house. KISSING! Laying down kissing. I'll never forget what that EFY speaker told us: Horizontal is hazardous. She's totes feeling up under his sleeveless t-shirt. That's it, though.

Louise has her own posteres all over school. Everybody's copying her awesome clothes and high half-pony.

Louise and her dad overextend a Cinderella metaphor.

This school has some pretty low-budget cheerleading uniforms.

Apparently Louise gets fan mail. Also, she looks like one of the Judds now. Fame is crushing her. Either that or the super-tight acid wash jeans she's wearing.

Brad is respecting her pretty hard right now for her honesty. He's such a Ken doll with that hair and that convertible. She can't go to the dance with you, and you'll never understand why!

The witches are going to change her back: "THE REAL MAGIC IS BELIEVING IN YOURSELF."

At the big dance: Louise's hair is bigger than ever and so are her shoulder pads. Suspenders is dancing with Jewish friend now. Louise takes off the necklace. She doesn't need it anymore. Brad saunters over to unmagical Louise. Sexy slow dance time. Make room for the Holy Ghost, kids! All Louise's clothes look like my early '90s Barbies' wardrobe. What a beautiful time for fashion. Blah blah blah happy ending.

Energy Drink Review: Money-Shot Raven

2009-09-28T16:44:00.009-04:00

WARNING: This is not a joke. This product and website exist.

Warning: this energy drink will make you want to strip down to cheap pink underwear and boots and play beer pong with your identically-dressed hot friends!

The beloved I-Man recently went to a fancy academic conference at Cornell and brought me back what I am assuming is a fabulous New York state delicacy, the Money-Shot energy drink, "Raven" flavor. Apparently it is distributed by Dirty Blonde Brands which has the classiest website ever. I stayed up too late editing and uploading my latest fantastic vlog and I just finished a response paper and have class in an hour. It is a good time for a porny caffeinated bev. It comes in a rare size for U.S. energy drinks: 12 oz. Let's see how this goes. Maybe it'll convince me to put on a bikini and some heels for class.*

Flavor update: It tastes like orange soda. I feel like I am eleven years old. At that time, my favorite thing to do at parties was to mix orange soda and root beer. It was delicious. I was a prodigy mixologist.

According to the "Champagne Room" recipes, mixing the Raven & Jade Money-Shot flavors with Jack is a "Menage a Trois". CLASSY. Also, no dudebro's wardrobe is complete without one of these:

Also, they supply important advice:

Will my girlfriend like a Money-Shot?

We hope so for your sake, because it tends to be a really awkward moment afterwards if she doesn't. We suggest
discussing it with her first....Oh, you meant Money-Shot the drink! We hope you both like it, and if she's
hot, we hope she sends us pictures of her with our product (for marketing purposes of course) and we
hope if she doesn't, she'll tell us why so we can make it better (unless she's got a problem with the
hottie on the can, in which case we suggest you dump the prude).

Haha, prudes!

Energy level update: It's hard to say whether it's working because I've perked up just from exploring the Dirty Blonde Brands website and it just tastes like Orange Slice.

*This would never happen. Not even if this were "Weekend at Bernie's: Lauren's Dead This Time." I would COME BACK from the Great Beyond and put some clothes on.

Rebel Yelling Volume I

2009-09-28T05:21:00.003-04:00

Our illustrious campus newspaper recently exposed me to the works of big-time Las Vegas college student opinion-maker, Matthew Jarzen. His conservatism and ability to use required high school readings to not really actually prove his point lead me to believe that he is America's next great hope. In the following video I read his most recent op-ed in the UNLV Rebel Yell student paper: Is our press really free anymore?. Good question, Matthew Jarzen. The 10-minute YouTube limit and also boring parts required me to edit out some of Mr. Jarzen's ingenuous prose, but let me assure you that I did my best to present his work in the most honorable way possible: drunk.

Random Meanderings

2009-09-28T01:38:00.003-04:00

Here are some things that I like and/or are interesting right now:

I have the digital TV converter with a crazy Christmas-tree-kinda-shaped antenna-receiver thing my dad bought for me because he knows about electronic gadgets and I get SEVEN separate PBS stations. Four from BGSU and three from Toledo. Only one completely overlaps (the "Create" channel, which often shows my BFF tour guide who may or may not awesomely run for Congress in the next few years). Awesome shows I watch all the time are History Detectives OMG yes and also NOVA: scienceNOW hosted by the man my friend Cynthia has described as looking like a "really smart Muppet," Neil deGrasse Tyson who loves wearing that sun/moon/stars vest.

Senator John Kyl is a (duh) douche. But Debbie Stabenow rocks. (Ezra Klein, WaPo)

At the blog Not Always Right: Funny and Stupid Customer quotes, I can relive my customer service days without having to slit my wrists but mostly just pity the people who must put up with that crap to pay the bills. May I never have to have one of those jobs again but you never know with academic funding and blahblahblah so DEAR GOD, PEOPLE SUCK.

The saddest thing I've seen today

2009-09-21T02:15:00.007-04:00

Granted, I haven't left the house today. Instead I woke up, outlined a response paper, drank a gigantic Monster Heavy Metal* and wrote. Now I am on the internet. And sometimes I am like, "I should blog. But I am lazy. Hey, let's go see how depressed and/or outraged Pluggers can make me!" So yeah. PLUGGERS ARE YOUR GRANDMA:

A single tear runs down my cheek. I'm not buying that shit, though. I'm still trying to get my food stamps back. Your extra nonsensical forms will not hold me back, government entitlement programs! I have half a master's degree!

*Short review: supposedly "green apple," mostly kind of gross, but I wrote a nine page paper in about four hours, and that's pretty speedy for me. Though who knows when I'll get to sleep tonight. Also, 32 ounces is RIDICULOUS, but once it was open, I felt obligated to finish it. They should borrow from their own resealable "import" design that they stole from European beverage manufacturers.

Top 5 Crappy Joes

2009-09-18T00:04:00.010-04:00

I'm going to make a sweeping, baseless generalization: dudes named Joe suck at higher levels than people with other names. Here are some important examples to back my assertions up:

5. Joe Lieberman- "Democratic" douche

4. Joe Wilson- Yelly Republican douche

3. Joe "the" Plumber- NO EXPLANATION NECESSARY

2. Joe Jackson- Exploity/abusive douche

1. Joe Francis- RAPIST/PORNOGRAPHER DOUCHE

Am I right? Douchalicious Joes.

Herbert Hoover: Not Actually a Fake Name

2009-09-16T23:18:00.009-04:00

Herbert Hoover was one of the few one-term U.S. presidents in the twentieth century. Little Herbie was born in Iowa in 1874, the first U.S. president to be born west of the Mississippi. His parents were Quakers, his dad a blacksmith. By the time he was nine, both his parents were dead. SAD LONELY ORPHAN BOY HERBERTICUS. He lived with a grandmother, some uncles, attended what is now George Fox University as a teenager or something, but eventually was part of Stanford University's very first class of students in 1891. He managed the baseball and football teams, because apparently he couldn't actually play any sports himself, and graduated with a degree in geology in 1895. His soon-to-be-wife Lou Henry got the same degree. She never really used it, but she had it, dammit. Herbie became a mining engineer, went to Australia and China, mining gold, zinc, whatevs. He wrote geology textbooks and made money. While in China, Herbert and Lou picked up some Mandarin, and according to the 'Pedia, used it in the White House later when they didn't want those nosy aides to hear what they were talking about. Herb & Lou had to sons, Herbert, Jr. and Allan.

During the first world war, Hoover helped with food distribution in Europe. He was based in London and helped those people not starve as much. In 1917, Wilson recruited Hoover to be the head of the U.S. Food Administration so Americans could have food too when they joined the war. He helped with food relief in Europe after the war too. The Hoover Institution at Stanford was originally set up with Hoover's WWI records and is now, like, awesomely conservative. In 1920, Hoover rejected the Democrats' overtures and decided to run for his first public office, the President of the United States (no big) as a Republican. He lost his adopted home state of California, but later became Secretary of Commerce under Hardinghead. As the secretary of a relatively newly-formed bureaucracy, Hoover was, like, super-popular. He expanded its role, usurping other departments just 'cause he could. He partnered with business interests, and promoted progressive ideals of efficiency in all his efforts. He was also pumped about promoting Hollywood films abroad (even before they had talking!), and held radio and traffic conferences to help promote the latest technologies and begin to build up federal oversight of them. He became pals with Harding and was with him as he died (suspicious?).

Young geologist Hoover in Australllllia.

He continued his cabinet position under lame-face Calvin Coolidge, gaining huge notoriety. Coolidge sarcastically referred to him as "Wonder Boy." When Cal talked, that is. In 1927, there was a big Mississippi flood and it was bad. Cal sent Herbie down to take care of emergency efforts, which is always good, but didn't really help black people so much. Good thing that never happens anymore, amirite? Luckily he worked it out so nobody would hear about that when he was running for prez in 1928. He ran against PAPIST Al Smith who LOVED BOOZE. The economy was booming, so people voted for pro-business Hooverdoover. Apparently Hoover had his own sport to keep in shape at the White House (HOT). He was into "volunteerism" efforts (AKA businesses should just not be dickfaces out of the goodness of their hearts). Pretty much there was this thing called the GREAT DEPRESSION, and all of Hoover's efforts were essentially TOO LITTLE TOO LATE to fix the crisis. Also, there was a Bonus Army of WWI vets who wanted their fucking money, but Hoover was like, "I will send General MacArthur to CUT YOU, bitchez." Which didn't really increase his popularity.

HERBIE'S FAKE SPORT.

Hoover reluctantly ran for reelection in 1932, but was not real successful. At his campaign stops, he was heckled, and standersby threw eggs and fruit at his train and motorcade. HAHA. After he was decisively defeated by Franklin Somethingorather, Herb and Lou went on road trips, and the former prez wrote a fishing book. He though maybe he'd be nominated by the Republicans in 1936 and 1940, but they totes didn't want him. He advocated for neutrality before the U.S. joined up in WWII and called for an American Fortress. FUCK YOU, EUROPE. But then in post-war Germany, he helped feed people again. Hoover loved food. Then he got all anti-Communist and became friends with Truman. He wrote a biography about Wilson, had a dam named after him, and died in 1964. He had, like, the longest retirement ever.

Good job being awesome in your pre- and post-presidencies, Herbert Hooveface!

Disturbed

2009-09-15T14:50:00.003-04:00

Guess who had a delightful new experience today? Yes, me! Good guess. I have never called the police before this morning, but today I got lucky. See, I was awakened at 7:30 this a.m. (traumatizing already) by a woman very nearby repeatedly screaming "Get off me!" OMFG I totally thought a lady was getting raped in my building and I got up and grabbed my phone and put on flipflops to go investigate where this terrifying yelling was coming from. I soon realized that some of my neighbors were involved in a very heated argument. A man and a lady yelling a lot and an occasional loud noise (I do not even live next door to these people). So, I called the (non-emergency number) police. By the time they came, it was quiet (of course), but I heard the coppers talking to them and no one was arrested or taken to the emergency room or anything. So that's good. I am now irrationally afraid to leave my apartment as I do not want to run into this particular man neighbor and have to say hello like I totally didn't call the cops on them this morning. At least I didn't have to call 911 and report a rape in my building, because that would have been slightly more scary.

Friends, have you ever called the police? Did you ever think you were in the middle of a terrible rape scene while first emerging from sleep? Is it normal to feel kind of guilty? But wouldn't I feel more guilty if a lady were being raped or beaten and I just pretended it wasn't happening like the rest of my neighbors? This was not a regular argument, people. And WTF, who is that angry first thing in the morning? Tell me about your brushes with domestic disturbances, friends, and we'll all feel better together.

A Nature Poem

2009-09-10T18:20:00.003-04:00

O, Cicada:
Your weird chirping song, incessant in the summer heat
Like unto the sound of an alien hissing, preparing to strike
But ere I too much disparage your vibrating timbals,
I must say I prefer the sound to the sight of you,
O, Cicada: giant, terrifying bug-beast.

Lauren Stumbles Upon Presidential Address to Congress and Live Blogs It

2009-09-09T20:09:00.001-04:00

Presidential Address, Bitchez!

Can I talk about health care again, people?

2009-09-04T16:06:00.003-04:00

Yes, I can. Because this is my blog, and though often underused, it does still belong to me. So there. Anyway, this health care mess, amirite? I have two points to make, or rather two nebulous meandering paragraphs that I plan on writing:

Paragraph the First: DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE UNINSURED ON PURPOSE? Seriously. God-fucking-dammit, people. Even health care politics resident internet expert Ezra Klein was screwed over by a clerical error and was briefly uninsured and he, like, studies this shit for a living. I myself was uninsured for about four months a few years ago. My parents' insurance cut me off when I turned 23 in September of 2006, when I was a recent college grad working a temporary job I'd finagled from my former student job. Luckily I only had to go to a doctor once during that time and they charged on a sliding scale for the uninsured (a Planned Parenthood--though for totally non-abortion-related health reasons, not that it's any of your business). I ended up getting another, permanent job with health benefits elsewhere at my alma mater starting that January. Presently I am insured as a student at my university now (though that's another ridiculous mess of bureaucracy). I ended up getting insurance and keeping that job until I went to grad school because it was cushy and I had nothing better to do, but I had a roommate who was forced to keep her grocery store cashier position for a long time even though it was giving her a serious repetitive-stress injury because she had benefits from it. Which she was using to treat her injury and also did I mention she had two other part time jobs? Also, have I mentioned that this is bullshit? Young adults with college degrees who work full-time, kids. I'm not saying that we deserve health care more than anyone else (because that is also bullshit), but how do you justify getting screwed to those of us who are supposedly "doing everything right"? Sometimes I hate living in America.

Paragraph the Second: BARACK OBAMA IS AN INCLUSION WHORE. Recently I've been discussing with a dear friend of mine how she's kind of a friend whore. By which I mean, she is cool and awesome and smart and fun etc. but sometimes hangs out with really lame people just because they call her. She just can't say no. Then again, she has a very active social life. However, sometimes I'm like, "Why are you friends with so-and-so? I don't understand. They = lame. Their favorite show is Friends, I mean come on!"* Anyway, besides the not-so-shocking revelation that I am a boring-people snob, I kind of think Barack Obama, our dear President of America is kind of the same way. He's like, "Everybody likes me, I'm so good-looking and smart and accomplished and easygoing lalala." But then he's also like, "But the Republicans CALLED me and asked me what I was doing about health care reform, and I couldn't just IGNORE them." But. But. But, Mr. President, with all due respect, YOU CAN. Fuck the Republicans, fuck the Blue Dogs, fuck Glenn Beck and the town halls, get on board the Super-Awesome Barney Frank "Fuck You, Crazies" Train. Stop trying to be friends with everybody and give us some goddamn real reform with a public option. INSIST UPON IT. You can do that. Congress is even more of an inclusion whore than you are. And maybe everyone will cry until they start to feel the benefits, and then it'll be like they were all affected by a soap opera coma/amnesia/evil twin plot twist and cry if you try to take them away. So do it.**

*You know I love you.

**(Swan, every year)

At least this one's not about drugs

2009-09-04T15:17:00.001-04:00

Haha! Pluggers can never retire!

The KKK: Poorly Transliterated Greek and Also Racism

2009-09-01T18:41:00.006-04:00

Pre-D.W. Griffith-approved standardized costumes.

Have you ever wondered about the Ku Klux Klan? What's with all the K's and the pointy sheets and the being assholes, you might ask. Well, I consulted the 'Pedia and also have read some history books and pretty much know everything there is to know about the KKK. Or at least enough to write a post about it. You may not be aware, but we are now currently on our THIRD Klan. If I were talking about just about anything else, I would insert a joke about how it's kind of like the Third Reich in that way. But that just seems kind of redundant, you know? Anyway, the first Klan was started by several Confederate veterans in Tennessee. They were like, "You know what I hate? Losing wars. Also, black people. And not getting to shoot people all the time, amirite?" And they were all like, "Yeah, totally." So they started a secret society, taking their name from the Greek κύκλος. Basically, they called themselves the "Circle Club," but by Greekin' it and alliteratin' it in a tacky move pre-dating KOA Kampgrounds' insistence upon using "k" as much as possible, they made it sound "cooler" and "secreter." At the time (late 1865), there were plenty of violent shenanigans going on all around the South. Widespread lawlessness worked as a cover for the group, which pretty much ran around at nighttime burning down black people's houses, killing them, harassing Republicans, intimidating carpetbaggers and the like who were trying to do a little reconstructing.

The group grew more popular, and though eventually Forrest Gump's namesake and experienced war criminal Nathan Bedford Forrest was elected Grand Wizard (SRSLY? Come on Circle Club, you can't really believe people will take you seriously.), the local branches of the KKK continued to function autonomously. Basically they were a kind of out-of-control paramilitary/terrorist group working for the Democratic Party. The rode around in the dark, attacking members of the Union Loyal Leagues, employees of the Freedman's Bureau, and basically drove blacks off any bit of land they had managed to get their hands on. Also, the Klan tried to convince black freedpeople that they were actually the ghosts of dead Confederate soldiers. "No, masked man burning down my house, you are just a bigoted asshole who is trying to kill me and my family," a freedman might have replied but probably didn't because his house was already being burnt down and whatnot and the Klan mobs were SCARY, obvs. The Klan blocked Republican voters, but our man U.S. Grant really didn't need Southern votes anyway. BEARDED WAR HERO DRUNK REPUBLICAN. Still loving Ulysses. Ahem.

Anyway, all the crazy violence and lawlessness wasn't really helping the South get what it wanted AKA those carpetdouchebags to get out of town so they could reassert white supremacy without the gubment getting into their business. But Congress was like, "Um, no. Stop lynching black people." In 1871, a Ku Klux Klan ACT was passed in Congress, allowing for federal troops and courts to step in and prosecute violent hate groups like the Klan and enforce the rule of law (which the Southern governors really didn't plan on doing themselves, 'cause ew, black people, duh). But even before this law passed, in 1869, Superflashy Dragon Warlock Supreme Forrest officially disbanded the group, since he couldn't really control it and was basically just a convenient way for criminals to ride around with masks and use the KKK's reputation as a tool of intimidation and to avoid legal reprecussions. Don't worry, though, lots of other groups took the Klan's place trying to block black men from voting and ultimately "redeemed" the South with Jim Crow laws and all that good stuff. With our pal Hayesie's election and the official end of Reconstruction (as well as some unfortunate Supreme Court rulings), basically the federal government was no longer in the business of really giving a shit about what happened to the former slaves.

The Circle Club at its most popular, 1925.

The year was 1915, a ~~horribly offensive~~ wildly popular film The Birth of a Nation based on a totally not-true account of the original postwar Klan totes made Woodrow Wilson happy and also inspired disgruntled folks to start up the Second Klan. Mostly everybody was like, "It's 1915, and immigration, urbanization, industrialization, the war in Europe, and the continuing presence of black people are making me nervous." Stone Mountain, Georgia was the new Klan's birthplace, but was actually most popular in the Midwest, especially Indiana, what with the Great Migration and there being absolutely nothing to do in Indiana except suck. This new Klan also hated Catholics, Jews, unions, Communism, and were pro-prohibition. BOO. The practice of burning crosses started with the second Klan, which probably came from the bastardization of some old Scottish tradition. This clan was hugely popular, including on its rolls up to 40% of the white male population in certain areas at its peak. The Klan controlled politics in many areas, and the 1924 Democratic National Convention was also called the "Klanbake Convention," which, you must admit, is both terrifying and kind of clever. Klan membership peaked in 1925 in the Midwest, and events like the conviction of Indiana's Invisible Empire chief DC Stephenson of rape and murder and general widespread corruption led to its loss in popularity. The second Klan lasted roughly until the end of WWII.

The modern KKK has branched out to different colors. Perhaps they are like karate belts that you earn. Or perhaps they are just SILLY.

The third Klan is not centrally controlled, nor is it nearly as popular as the second Klan was. Various disparate groups call themselves Knights of the KKK today. After anti-civil rights violence in the 1950s and '60s produced another large spike in popularity, it's now mostly made up of random groups of crazy white supremacists, has been associated with neo-Nazi groups, and is most well-known for supplying guests to trashy talk shows and also veteran U. S. Senators. Hooray!

Unsettling but apt comparison of the day: sperm in the face and weddings

2009-08-25T18:06:00.006-04:00

Amanda Hess explains how the fact that some ladies apparently enjoy "facials" is totes like getting married:

[B]ecause even though we all know it’s sexist as fuck, weddings—like facial ejaculation—still make some people happy.

I'd really rather not think of them as analogous, because EW. Have I mentioned that I'm getting married, BTW?* Because I am. Next summer. To Thrift Store Champion/Isaac/the I-Man/Beardface/that dude I'm always hanging out with. No creepy patriarchal property-transfer type traditions will be enacted. Also, no facials.

See: Semen Facials Are Like Weddings (The Sexist).

*In case you are one of the .23 people who I don't talk to frequently in real life who also happen to read this blog.