Blue Collar Holler

Wild Americans

2012-03-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

Something we're losing in our culture is the nature of a wild mind. Oh we still have examples of it, but the educational system is literally trying to destroy the wilderness of the free spirit. Lest I be tarred and feathered for suggesting the youth not be disciplined (in direct opposition to my own advocacy mind you) let me be clear with my meaning at the outset.

An animal in the wilderness is most disciplined of spirits. If he isn't, he soon starves or is killed by predators or competition. So in self interest, he seeks his own self preservation and he works most diligently to keep his belly satiated and he searches for a mate to the point of canceling out the other desires in his life. So wild does not necessarily mean undisciplined.

In a civilized America, our aim is not to tame the wild mind, but to temper and better equip it to better serve his own purposes, teach him to invest in the community for his own benefit and that of his offspring. He isn't to be cowed into a submission nor is he to be protected from his own failures. Failure is the key ingredient of experience. Wye, I remember as a kid, hearing from my Granny about the antics of her kids and their neighbors' kids and Hollywood ain't got nothing new to tell me, if it ain't about Hedonistic sexual appetites I didn't want to know anything about in the first place. And I sure didn't want their messages a getting into my kids' wild minds. You know?

That ain't photoshop!

My daddy learned how to spin a yarn, let me tell you. He told stories I remember not being able to discern if their fantastic nature indicated the inordinate facts of uncommon knowledge or if he was tickling his own fancy by pulling all the legs in the room. But when Granny told a story, it wuz the Gospel truth. Granny told me about the days when her kids would fight one another and how Aunt Lena once threw a butcher knife at my dad and barely missed as he jumped through an open window to escape and the knife sticking an inch deep in the window frame. Aunt Lena still has some temper, just soze you know. You know?

Uncle Jess verified one story my dad told me about the two of 'em coming to blows while they were walking home from school when they was 13 and 16. Back then they would take their shoes off to walk cause they didn't want to wear em out. You had 'em so you could wear 'em in school and church, but you took 'em off to go anywhere. They was heavy and ill fitting anyway cuz they got handed down 6 times. So Dad had the laces tied together and the pair of shoes slung over his shoulder on the way home when they come to arguing and then the awful moment when you realize, "I lose every fight I git into with him and now he done challenge shoved me again and here comes that wide right swing." This time, Dad didn't come back at him bare handed, he danced back an' pulled that ol' pair of tied together shoes off o' his shoulder and used 'em like nunchucks and beat the living whey out of his older brother. That there was the last fist fight they ever fought again one another. Uncle Jess pushes just as far as you'll let him and I mean he does it to this day.

Little man bullies the big one and get's his due

Many is the story I heard of a man throwing his own kid in a creek or a lake and telling him to sink er swim. I always doubted the veracity of that tale until I talked to a kid on the school bus who said that's how his daddy taught him to swim. I met another kid was older 'n me by several years and done me the favor of getting me out of a tight spot one time. His daddy paid him with a beating for it. My daddy made it good with him though. He thanked him and 'knew' and asked if he'd been beat. The kid admitted it and Dad made him a promise I don't remember the contents of, I was busy feeling guilty for bringing on his grief just by being helpless.

I'm not advocating the emulation of wild animals to the degree that we cut the kids loose and let 'em run without instruction or rules. Don't even try turning the discussion from the common sense you know I'm referring to or I'll make you look as silly as you deserve. My point in these here stories is; people are meant to be wild, not tamed down and domesticated like fattened farm animals mentally incapable of defending themselves and functionally incapable of providing for themselves. People are meant to be self determinant. Self reliant. Self preserving. And in all 'at, they will learn to identify with a fellow's struggles to make it, and in identifying with their fellow's struggles, they'll reach out a helping hand when it's needed and not before and not any more than he needed.

Now; a kid is brought up to believe he can't mess up bad enough to stop being fed and coddled by someone else. The poor darlings hit the street at 18 completely unprepared, literally entry shocked by the world that expects them to carry their own weight and sacrifice some for others. The idea of sacrifice is so foreign to some of 'em, they feel more comfortable at a homeless shelter than in the labor force. Yes, I know that a bunch of 'em turned out alright, but they did it in spite of your ignorant protectionist love rather than because of it. And most spend an extra decade getting the confusion straightened out of their behaviors regardless of their stated beliefs.

Now I used to lay a lot of the blame at the feet of modern women who mother hen them kids till they leave the nest, but the plain truth is, I was wrong. It's everyone. The experts told you we couldn't hurt their little hearts with a red pen to correct their school work and everyone in the game has to be rewarded with a joke trophy for showing up. Hell, even the Nobel committee gave Obama a trophy and cash prize for just showing up. Spanking is abuse and humiliation is abuse and yelling at 'em is abuse. Don't nobody know what they do to their kids' wildness or self interest and self discipline and then they wonder why the next generation act like JackAsses for sport and cannot value a job and scoutin' for a mate is play (so many now choose not participate in) rather than the serious business of life.

Soon enough, this whole mess is going to get straightened out between them that don't and them that will. Them that don't are marching in the streets beating the drums of Che's revolution and them that will are busy investing in their dreams. We seen it many times in history and seems history will keep right on recording the curse of ignorance which is to repeat history. What we see in this one is different because nobody remembers how unique is the American provision for the wild mind. Everyone, right left and center thinks government has so much responsibility to guarantee their survival, safety, success, and serenity.

Every other culture sought to beat the wild mind into submission to the ruling class. Our culture was built on the ideas of helping the wild mind thrive soze every man rules his own life. They meant to set up the very minimum requirement of structured society to provide a peaceful coexistence. That vision is dead and gone. Marx' ideal wins by Lenin's dissident investment to undermine the wildness of America's mind. They targeted 3 of the most important values and named them publicly. Knowing their plans, we sat down and let 'em feed us full of crap ideas like "individual safety is the responsibility of government and businesses. Everybody is guaranteed a long and happy life." What does all that security cost? Not much really. Just your patriotism, your religion, and your morality. What are the three ingredients missing from a good education in America? Not much really. Just patriotism, religion and morality. What's missing from all your major information sources? That's right, all advocacy for patriotism, religion, and morality. Funny ain't it? 'Specially since there just ain't no other home for the wild American herd.

Well, it's time I went off and bought some more ammunition and gold. I hope someone stuffs a sock in Roseanne. (don't matter which end of her gets the sock so long as it keeps her off camera) Hope the half o' ya'll have a good day with yer gov'ment check and guaranteed ease. I hope the other half is loving God and their fellow man. Should last at least another few months. Don't you think?

A National Allegory

2012-01-27T07:20:00.001-08:00

Thank you for coming... Was it Tom? Kon Gressman and... Cien Ator, very good. My name is Usoa. Please be seated. There are a few details you need to know about our family to appreciate just how unique it is before you take up your duties here. Our family is famous for much more than being rich you know. Our humanitarian efforts, and philanthropic endeavors, even exploring the last known frontiers. However, thanks to an avarice press, paparazzi really, our good name has been plastered across scandal sheets worldwide. Now, even the colleges are jumping on it and offering their credibility to the stories. Oh, its just disgusting how they blow up photos of my every wrinkle and fault then present truly horrid women as if they were perfect actually airbrushing their images. Now, whenever we have to compete for business, I pay double or acquire half what they do. Oh dear, excuse me... I'm composed now.

The truth is I have been married 44 times and have 50 children. All of them girls. All live at home and by God's grace, always will. I didn't birth all of them, but you'd be amazed with how many I did. Thirteen were adopted at the outset of my first marriage, a few more were adopted over the years. The rest were all natural with my various husbands. Don't get any ideas I care any less for those adoptees. I watch after each and every one of them like an eagle over her eggs.

I've been a busy girl, but cut me some slack. After all, I am 235 years old and still going strong. I don't know of any other girls my age, so I must be doing something right. I still have plenty of suitors even though I'm presently married and soon, yes I'll be choosing a new one. My husbands have been surprisingly civil considering. Whenever I think it's time, I allow the suitors to court me. When I make up my mind, the ol' man shakes the new man's hand and simply walks off the job. I know it sounds kind of strange, but it seems to work for me and the kids. Every one of them knew what they were signing on for and have always testified to fond memories of their time with me and the kids with no regrets for having sought my hand.

Speaking of the kids, I am very glad you're here. So you've been hired to represent... Which one sent you again? Oh yes, of course. So beautiful. Alright, she may have hired you but you're in my house, so you need to know the unwritten rules of the house so we can maintain some sense of peace and civility around here and keep these girls from scratching one another's eyes out. Trust me, it's happened before and it damn near tore the family apart and it did ruin the fortune we'd acquired. Fortunately, when we got it together again we were able to amass an even bigger fortune. Sadly, not before killing the man of the house at the time. God, that poor man.

Anyway, I need you to be aware that some of the men who are attracted to me are not of a civil nature, if you take my meaning. These men would force me into an unwanted marriage by violence. So you're to ensure my husband has the authority, strength, and will to face his responsibility to negotiate, fight or flee as he deems necessary with these men of violence. Okay? He has to be able to maneuver without giving notice to; or getting approval from you or me.

Another thing. Some of my husbands have in times past been heavy handed with their authority over my kids. I need you to keep an eye open for any signs of over stepping his rightful role as their father. Just between you and me, it's been a while since I had a man who understands his rightful role with the kids. My first husbands drew up a document to specifically describe their role, limiting their own authority and even My authority over the kids. It was such a silly idea, but it has the weight of authority. Or, at least it did have for the honorable men of bygone days. Nobody seems to pay any attention to it any more except to blame one another. You know, they cite it paragraph by paragraph, but excuse their own behavior in abusing it and more importantly, my kids. Maybe my age is affecting this old girl more than any of us want to admit, but I haven't been very faithful to it myself. Oh how I regret that, but the events pressuring me at times were overwhelming and my Herbert seemed so sure and confident and so did Franklin and some others.

I guess that's what motivated you to seek this job. I sure hope that's what motivated you and I pray you're good at it. If it isn't what motivated you, I hope you're lousy at it. God knows we need wiser and more effective representatives for those kids. I should warn you that most of you guys wind up selling out. You newbies show up with such high ideals, but eventually end up in the scandal rags before you're done. There are so many temptations as the lawyer of a rich kid in a rich family. This place just chews up moral people and spits them out. If you don't have an established means of dealing with your own folly, you'll do nothing but harm to the family and the kid and yourself no matter how idealistic you are now. I know, not you. That's what they all say. I'm witnessing to you now, if you are not assured of severe personal trial and sacrifice for this work and if you don't intend to maintain the integrity of this position, I'm begging you to bow out gracefully now...
Nobody ever does. Nobody ever has. Moving on now.

Every parent has moments of being overwhelmed and I'm no exception, so I'm asking you to be the kind of friend I can trust to call me out on my own abusiveness should I get out of control. This is not an official responsibility so don't assume this invitation is your route or right to rule me, understand? Do it in love and with our family's best interests at heart. It should be rare, but it happens. Who knows, if you're good enough at it, if you can impress me with both righteousness and an articulate confidence, maybe you could take a turn as my husband.

Seriously, as a personal favor to me, I'm asking you to help me fight the negative stereotype the papers, nutty professors, some of your fellows hired by your client's sisters, and even some of my own kids have taped to my back. Can you do that for me please. I would be eternally grateful.

Finally, since you are going through with your commitments to enter these positions, I implore you, please understand, we own a great big business that produces like nothing and no one else, but your fellow representatives have promised my kids more than we can deliver. The business cannot and will not sustain the payments those guys keep promising our debtors, my kids, my neighbors, my friends, even my enemies, yes my enemies. Whatever else you decide to do or not do, refuse to allow unfounded liabilities for me to pay, and unfunded mandates for my kids to pay. They're killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.

It's been very nice meeting you both and I will be praying for you to keep your integrity through the trials you have no idea you're entering. I expect to be hearing of you very soon. If I don't, I'll know what happened. You won't be cruising through if you manage to hold your integrity. You'll make the news by simply standing when and where you should. Otherwise, you may get along for quite a while without anyone knowing your names, then one day, you'll see it in the tabloids or worse, on a warrant or subpoena. Good luck to us all.

It ain't the macheens a-givin' may prollems, hits 'em dang extperts!!

2006-08-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

Wahl hare Ah ayam agin a-arguin' with theyem extperts. Mah ol' computer ain't a warkin' raight an Ah cain't figger ouht whut'l fix it. Ah done an' follerd all 'em sueggestchuns an' ain't nuthin' fixed it chet. A'm a-thankin' thet may be thuh prollems we-ith thay end. Wheyen Ah cain't aven saen own ta thuh blogger, cuz hit jest bounces may bayck ta thuh saen own page withayout inny err maysseges. Sum tahms Ah jest wont puull ayout mah naine an' pop uh new hole innit. Ah'd ruther mayte wun o' theyem fullers iyin parson, sost Ah culd shar a-pace o' mah maind with 'im. User frandlay, may haind laig!

Wahl, Hits Funny

2006-04-10T04:01:00.000-07:00

A woman saent this'n haere ta mae. I laiked hit sa' much I had ta sheer it. Hits cawled Thuh Republican Fasherman.

Saems 'is haere woman wus a floatin' along in a balloon an' haere shae wus lawst.

Shae lowers daown in 'at 'ere balloon a-trine ta figger aout whar shae's at. Raight about 'in shae spawts 'is haere fasherman in a boat aout 'ere own a laike.

'An hae's fashin' whin shae hollers daown at 'im, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I'd meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

Wye 'at 'ere fasherman wups aout 'is GPS unit an' a-raedin' et 'e hollers back up at 'er, "Yer inna hot air balloon approximately 30' above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level.

You're at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North lattitude and 100 degrees and 49.09 minutes West longitude."

Shae roles 'em pianted up ize and hollers baeck, "You must be a Republican."

"I am." says thuh man, "How'd you know?"

"Well," says thuh ballonist, "everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

Thet 'er fasherman grins up at 'er an' hollers up agin, "You MUST be a Democrat."

"I am," says thuh balloonist, "how'd you know?"

"Well," says thuh fasherman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now its my fault!"

Hain't thet thuh waey et warks? Wae jess' a-min'n aour own bus'ness an' long come a Dem whut thanks wae thuh raeson fer all thet's wrong in thuh warld, er 'least ther warld.

Waert Stuff I Laikes

2006-04-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

I kaeps mah I out fer thuh waert stuff people's a-doin' an ah fount a fuew of 'em raitch 'eere.

This un's a monowheel with a v8 motor a-lookin' ta brake thuh warld's spaed rackerd. He ain't busted a-hunnertchet.

I's chattin' somewher 'bout a unicycle dream't up by a sci-fi wraiter back in thuh '60's. He up an' saends me 'is haere an' says, "Strap yourself to this!" Its maide by thuh same's maide thet 'ere segway. It says they'll go 'bout 65-70 mph.

This'n haere's pro'lly thuh most innervatin' of 'em awl. Ya sticks yer faet raight insaide of 'em 'ere whaels.

I'd laike ya'll ta sent me a buncha this here kine a-stuff. I fills laike ya'll knows 'bout awl kine a-thangs I ain't naver saene ner here't tayell of. Hit don' haff ta' bae no pitchers, jes' a link what I kin click own wit mah ol' saife computer. Hit don' haff ta bae transport naether. I laikes awl kine a-thangs geeky. Nanno bawts, black howle generators, oh awl kines. I's thankin', wooden et bae fun ta jes' go roun' trile ridin' deffern't waert thangs laike aze an' writin' awl 'bout hayow they werks, an' hayow aesy et is ta gits et ta wark, an' hayow lowng et taekes ta git use't ta 'em. Ide shore have me a-blast dune somp'n laike 'at.

A Fishy Story

2006-04-02T23:13:00.000-07:00

I don' know. I steel don' b'lieve et. I ain't never hered tayell o' somp'n laike 'et. Whut is it innyhayow? An' yeou say 'et 'ere thang wus in Brokenbow Lake in Oklahoma? Thet 'ere ain't no salty wahter feesh? I-I-I'm havin' ta hart taime with is'n fellers. 327 lbs.!!?!! 8 fut an' 10 eenches?? You shore ya'll didn' maike 'is up? It luks maide up ta mae. Wall, hayow'd ya'll haul it in? A-bow huntin' it. Wudn't y'all afrait o' gittin' bit? It didn' faight cher, after'n it wus loaded up own thet 'ere boat? Whus a feish laike et taste laike? Mud? Wayell, et luks meaner a rattle snaike inta arly sprang.

Howt chu come bye et? Wus et in one 'em trucks what stops dayown ta' thuh truck stop? Wull, whutever et is, et's a whopper. Uh alligator gar? Frayesh wahter! Wull 'en hayow's come I ain't naver hard teyall of it? One thang's fore shore, thet 'ere's a feeshy story. Wull, alraight, we'll talk atcha' nayext taime.

Mah Ideal Mobile Computer

2006-03-29T00:45:00.000-08:00

I relly laike whar thayra goin' with thase here handheld devices (b'low) but thay all saem ta bae a-missin' the whole poe-nt. You git massive power fer a handheld but the battery poops ayout after jest 3 owers, or thay ain't no keyboard atol. Even if they is one ya cain't do much taipin' own it. An' whoever sayed we wonted smaller screens? Ah don' wont no smaller screens, do you? Ah do wont thuh whole thang ta' fit raight t'ere in mah pawcket, but Ah also wont it ta be somp'n Ah kin wark we-ith.

Nayow lookie here. The-is here old thang is a-beatin' thiyem fer forum an' shaype up an' dayown thuh strate. Hits cawled thuh Jornada 720 putt ayout by HP 'bout a-hunert year ago by hand held standerts. An' shore, its missin' a lotta thangs by today's standerts but whut hit does hayave is a near ta' full sized keyboard an' a reel waide screen sost ya' can view a whole line frum thuh furthest layeft ta thuh furthest raight. Whut thes'n' cain't do is fold open ta' bae laike a handheld tablet, an' its processor max's ayout et 200 MegaHerts an' thet theyre batrie ain' no better then thuh warst o' thi-em otherns. Whalst e-it does hayave IR-da hit ain't got no blue tooth ner 802.11 ner 3rd generation WAN connectivity. Closed up hit'll steel fe-it in mah breast pawcket, which e-is jest parfec. Nayow e-it would feel a bit bulky an' unsexy placed up agin' yer head laike as a cell phone but with one o' thiyem airpaces whut t'ey got nayow, wye ya wouldn' naver hafta'.

Thuh one own thuh layeft up 'ere, is prolly a-doin' thuh bayest of 'em all so far. Hits gawt a one gigahertz processor fer thiyem big jawbs, but raiht in theyre with it is a whole nuther processor 'at runs et 400 megahertz so's it'll layast a whole bunch longer own thet there leetle bitty battery an' its got constant access ta' thuh internet. Thet there makes it a kindofa cell phone and handheld pc with a whole bunch o' oomph whin ya' needs it, all rolled up inta' one unit. But theyre agin, whar's thuh stankin' keyboard, an' wye would Iye won't to scroll layeft an' raight fer ever laine Ah wont ta' raede? Mah wark hayas me a-tap, tap, tappin' own a reglar ol' iPAQ 4100 series, but thay also hayave me a-carryin' a cell phone, an' Ah gawt a cell phone o' mah own. Ah'm thuh typical batman belt geek with awl o' thiyem devices a-hangin' off of mah bayelt all a' taime. If'n Ah could git a-holt a one o' thiyem ceo's er a desianer taem whut draems 'is stuff up, wye Ah thank Ah could saet 'em own thuh strate 'n nara.

Ah wonts an' needs a mobile device whut u'll wark laike at 'ere iPAQ whut with havin';

1: thet 'ere instant own faeture an'
2: a hot swappable bat'rie
3: an' a touch screen,
4: runnin' at'ere pawcket winders OS, thiyen laike own 'at 'ere cPC add e-in thet winders tablet OS saimultanus,
5: a-splittin' thuh load with anuther processor whut runs et mor'n a gigahertz fer 'em big jawbs,
6: with cell phone abilities an'
7: blue tooth fer thet 'ere ayre paece
8: 802.11 hotspot connector
9: a bunch o' thiyem usb 2.0 connectors,
10: a up'n dayown scroll whael,
11: a vga connector fer a-watchin' video own one o' thiyem 3d goggles haed mounted displays,
12: et laest a 20 gigabyte hord draive ta' holt a movie er two,
13: A cam'ra an' a bilt e-in mic an spaker
14: an' they gots ta' maike et waither proofed, dert proofed, an' hardy sost Ah kin use e-it e-in mah wark,
15: a sdio an' taype two slots,
16: nayow raight here's thuh main thang, they gots ta' make it 3.5" tall an' 8 or 9" waide display with a perty near ta' full saized keyboard thet'll fold er slaide plum up outern' thuh way sost whin Ah'm a-usin' it in a tablet mode it ain't a problum an too, sost it'll fe-it raigtch 'ere e-in mah pawcket.

Nayow, jest a 'couple more thangs about e-it they ain't nobody a-doin'. All 'em handhelds an' cell phones is a-operatin' e-in profile modes win all 'em web pages an' thiyem documents views baetter e-in landscape modes. Maike it switchable shore, but default thuh settin's et landscape modes. An' how's come they ain't no services e-in thuh whole U S of A thet ain't got 2 line own one device service? Over theyre e-in Angland an' Japan they got them services. Wye you kin putt a bidness laine an' a pers'nal laine own one device with two complete differ'nt bills. We here e-in thuh states can built 'em with thuh baest of 'em but thiyem services ain't a-keepin' up with thuh raest o' thuh warld.

Ah wont ta bae a mobile blogger with the-is here device. Ah'd nade thuh cam'ra an' mic fer doin' theyem innerviews an' sech. Ah'd nade thuh always own faeture fer thuh research. Ah'd nade thuh cell phone with thuh double billin' option fer stayin' e-in touch with mah fam'ly own thuh one saide an' fer doin' tax deduct'ble calls own th' uther. Ah'd nade thuh vga connector with thuh haed mounted display fer thiyem motel stays an' ayre travel plust e-ite'd gimme a big screen ta view whalst a bloggin' frum a motel. Ah'd nade all 'em usb ports fer thuh peripherals laike printers an' sync caibles fer thuh desktop. Ah thank all 'em trav'lin' bus'ness people nade's perty much all 'a saime stuff. Watch'a thank, ayam Ah raight?

Next taime, Ah'm a-gonna talk about some o' thuh tearable daingers e-in thiyem thar chatrooms.

A Awesome God

2006-03-28T23:15:00.000-08:00

Thuh top notch computers today clock speeds 'tween 3 an'4 gigaherts or three or four billion (30-40 to the tenth power) calculations per second. Thet's perty zippy. But hit jest don' compar ta' thuh sppeed o' thuh brains God give us. You thank 'bout it jest a minute. Thuh human brain controls thousands of muscles to ackerately manip'late over 600 bones and interpet an' design thuh signals frum millions o' nerves. Thet theyre's thuh raeson thuh bigger animals gits bigger brains. They gots more muscles, bones , an' nerves ta' wark with. Sayence as long's 'ere's bin doctors, an' 'spacially sayence 'ayve been traidin' organs, 'ayve bin trine ta' figger ayout hayow ta' traide brains frum one body ta' thuther. But it ain't laike pullin' a port outern one car ta' putt in tother. A brain growed all them nerves an' sech a-warkin' out thuh patterns o' operation as it wint along. Even if'n thiyem doctors gits it figgered out hayow ta' attach all 'em nerves agin, wye thuh brains gotta have thuh riaght nerve a-goin' ta' thuh raight connector. Otherwise it'll git a signal comin' frum thuh eye a-sayin' hows thuh body needs to puke on account o' hayow its bein' poisoned. Er the stomack'll say how its corn hurts, er thuh hayer folicle'll bae sayin' how thuh body needs ta' pee.
Nayow God his somp'n spacial. He's able ta' come ta' you an' give you a complete vision, er a theory of relativity taype o'complexity whole thought er even just a audible message only ain't nobody else can hear it, see it, or know it buchu. Thet means He can tailor a pattern custom fer each 'n ever brain. An' wye not, He's one what built you an' He's raight nayow holdin' ever molecule an' atom in you together. Thuh more Ah thank own it, thuh more awestruck as I ayam. Ah reckons e-if 'em doctors ever do gits it all figgered ayout, wye we bae jest as awestruck frum thet base o' knowledge on God, 'bout whut 'E does er must do.

'Tain't no wonder relly, if'n ya thank about it, thet if'n He's a-holdin' all 'em molecues an' atoms t'gether thet He can move 'em 'round so's a cayncer goes 'way, 'er thet a withered hand gits strong, 'er thet bladin' stops an' thuh doctors cain't 'splain none of it. Thet theyre's whut makes it a mir'cle.

Nex' taime Ah'm a-gona rant jest a little be-it own sum politic'n over ayre raights.

Them Evil Christians

2006-03-28T20:56:00.000-08:00

Them Evil Christians

You got ta' bae perty for ta' thuh layeft ta blabber sump'n laike 'ayat. Buchyuno, Ahm a-hearin' it mor-n-mor. 'An Ah don' thank its cuz 'ere's more a-sayin' it, I figgers its cuz them thet talks laike 'at err jes' feelin layess laike its a shame on 'em. Nayow, I ain't a-sayin' they ain't got thuh raight ta say it. Ah'm jest a-sayin' its a shame on 'em fer doin' thuh sayin', thet's all. An' they ain't 'nuff a-tachen 'em hayow an' wye it e-is.

Hayow minny times has good Christian folk suffered at thuh hayands of thiyem what talks laike 'at? Hayow minny good Christian folk is a-sufferin' raight nayow an' ain't nobody knows 'bout it? Ah've had it happn' ta' me person'l. Hits bin more'n faive year since I heared tell of a young lady, a chald relly, outch yonder in Chi-ina what got saved. An' there she wus a-trine ta' tayell others 'bout thuh good thangs God de-id fo 'er 'an along comes a-pole-ece an' tole' 'er not ta' do it no more. But she couldn' hepp it. God filled 'er so full o' joy an' peace she jess had ta' talk about it. Thuh pole-ece tolt 'er several times not ta' be talkin' 'bout this here Christ. They up an' spanked her deddy with thiyem cane poles a-tellin' him ta' stop 'er. Win thet didn' wark they up an' spanked her with 'em, 'till finely they gave up and putt 'er in jail. Wayell, thet seem laike as good a-place as any fer 'er, so she kepp raight on a-savin' people raight thay're in that jail. She'd tayell other prison'ers 'bout Christ, She'd tayell thuh guards 'bout Christ an'dyou know pris'ners an' even some o' thiyem gaurds wus a-gittin' saved. Thuh pole-ece got so fed up with 'er they up an' putt 'er in a solitary confainement.

Nayow, thet got to 'er, not a-cuz of thuh cold and thuh haete in thet box in thuh sun an' thuh niaght, but on account o' she couldn' tayell nobody 'bout Christ, Jesus. So theyre she wus, stuck in thet box ware ya' cain't lay daown an' ya cain't stand up an' thuh ownliest comp'ny she hayad wus 'at pawl o' excrement and thuh Holy Spirit, an' she wus prayin' an' crine cuz she couldn' save nobody, wheyin it all of a sudden hit 'er thet if she had a pawl o' excrement theyin laikely ever'body else in one o' theyim boxes wus gonna have one. So she risked her laife jest in thuh askin' o' thuh guard e-if she could go 'round ta theyim other boxes removin' theyim pawls. With jest her ownliest possession, her food bole, an' 'er bayer hayands, whals't she wus a-pickin' theyim pawls up, she wus a whisperin' thuh gospel message ta' 'em other prisners. Nayow folks, she wus ownly 12 year yung win she got saved an' at thuh taime o' mah hearin' thet she wus 15. I ain't never hard no other ward 'bout 'er. Laikely she ain't even alaive no more.

They ain't arrested nobody here fer talen thuh gospels ta' people thet Ah here'd about, but they IS gettin' farred fer it. A bossman ain't s'posed ta' say none of it ta' 'is people under 'im an' ya' ain't s'posed ta' tael it ta' yer students if'n you's a tacher. Whut happened ta' ME wus Ah got shuffled arount ta' shop till Ah cuddn't keap up so's they'd have thuh 'scuse ta' farr me fer talkin' 'bout Christ with them there Jehovah's Witnesses et work whilst we wus on break. People gits all offended if'n ya tael it to 'em in public. Get reddy, cus if'n it keeps up this a-way, it weel be illegal.

Are constitution guarantees freedom of spache, but if 'em thet talks laike 'at had ther waiy, e-it would be 'gainst thuh laws. They usin' thet raight to freedom o' religion laike it wus a-freedom FROM religion, freedom from inny Christian's raight ta free spache. Thuh waiy thiyem what wrote up thet t'ere document ment it wus thet we wus ta' have a free market o' aidayas. But theys gonna make it a sansored market. Theys a-plannin ta' take ayre raights frum us one-by-one. Look whut happen't ta' thuh raight ta' kape an' bayer arms. Ain't nobody 'llowed ta' walk around in public with a gun. An' nayow we got them nuts walkin' inta MacDonald's an' thuh post office, schools an' jest goin' crazy shootin' up whoever's they please. 'An they ain't nobody ta' stop 'em on acount o' they ain't nobody what can. Thet riaght is so far weakened he-it maight as wayell not even bae thayre. An' here they is a-doin' thuh same thang to thuh riaght ta' free spache.

We could prolly stop 'em if'n we gits angry 'nuff an' does it real soon. But we content ta' shake are hayeds an' cluck are tongues an' taels each other hayow wrong it all is, but we ain't angry 'nuff yet to git ta' thuh same corners they shoutin' at ever'body frum ta' shout riaght back at 'em. They up'n maken a bunch a-noise an' them what makes thuh laws payin' 'em all heed. They got some backers too, most all o' the news peoples, most ever'body in Hollywood, some o' thiyem organi-zations thet gits grants frum thuh tax money we haff ta' give thuh gova'ment. ('At's on account o' thiyem lefties what's been in pow'r in thuh past a-grantin' it to 'em.) Thangs laike a National Endowment for the Arts, an' The American Civil Liberties Union. Most ever'body thanks laike we do if theys prest own it. But with ever movie an' news cast a-taelin' us how this conservative thought is a disaster, an' thet conservative act is'n atrocity, if'n ya ain't thankin' it thu, ya jest natchurely thank they mus' bae raight. Whin mah tayvay broke, Ah naver bothered ta' replace it. Ah cain't b'lieve nuthin' thet ever come accrost it no-how, lessin' it wus a church sermon.

Wayell, Ah guest Ah'm done fer nayow. Nex taime, Ah'll bae a-talkin' 'bout ta' new mobile computers an' whut Ah'd laike ta' sae in 'em. Uh, Ah de-id maintion thet Ah wus a geeked out Okie, ditn' Ah?

The Bad Ass Ain't Always Two Legged an' Gun Totin'

2006-03-27T07:39:00.000-08:00

This here story comes frum Montana. Seems a man an' his wife decided ta go fer a ride 'round the general neighborhood, him on 'is ass and her on 'er horse with a pair hounds taggin' along win this here mountain lion begun ta' stalk after them dogs. Now the man brung his rifle and the woman brung her camera cuz it is Montana an' you gotta be perpared for the dangers an' sheer beauty o' the wald. Innyways, after thet cat had stalked 'em for quat a-whal and winny got clos'te 'nuff ta make thuh man worry 'bout them dogs, wye he pulled up his ass ta step down an' far off a warnin' round. 'Bout ta time he got tat rifle pulled the cat charged in amongst them dogs an' thuh ass, a-pushin' thuh man outta thuh way charged in an' grabbed that big mountain lion cat up by 'is tail and started a-swangin' 'im 'round and 'round a-thumpin' his head on the ground an' ever' rock in reach tell he wus knocked plum out. You kin see in thuh back them dogs are sittin' on thay're butts enjoyin' thuh show. But the ass was still so pissed off thet he begun to paw at 'im then he knelt down with his front leg acrost the neck o' thet there cat and starts a-biatin' 'im all over. Win he gits up off of 'im he picks 'im up agin and slings 'im up in thuh ayre and then paws 'im some more. Winny settled down, he sauntered back over to whar the man an' his wife wus, jest laike nuthin' ever happened.
You know, sometimes you jest thank you know who the baddest ass in thuh pack is.

Bubba and the Tazer

2006-03-25T00:52:00.000-08:00

I gits around on thuh internet a bit and Iwas on a bdsm (Bondage Dominant/Submissive Masochist) site called COLLARME-'magin that-whin I come across this here post in one o' theyr forums.

Bubba: I was out in town the other day and happened to be in a second hand store when I came across a small tazer. I've always wanted one and this seemed so small I doubted it could be much of a deterrant. But it was really cheap so I went ahead and bought it. There were some errands and chores that had to be done so I didn't get to spend as much time with it as I wanted to.
It was about 8:30 PM and the wife was out with some friends when I decided to pull out my new toy. I was sitting in my recliner in my shorts watching TV, and pulled out the manual for my tazer and started reading it. Among the general BS two things stood out in my mind; the first being that it required 1 (one) AAA battery for operation, and the second that they actually framed a caution notice in big broad borders that read, "Caution-Shocking Hazard" Of course there's a hazard of being shocked by a tazer, it is DESIGNED to shock. Well I got all excited and ran into the kitchen to find a AAA battery in a drawer. After fishing around in the cabinets for five minutes I gave up and went back to my recliner. I pulled the battery cover off of the remote control to the TV and removed one of the tiny little cylinders to install into my new tazer. When I got it installed and all sealed up, I flipped it over made sure it was ready to go and pulled the trigger and- ?! humph! Nothing. I mean, where was the cool blue spark jumping from pole to pole with the crackling sound of electricity splitting oxygen molecules into ozone? I was so-o-o disheartened.
I thought, "Maybe it isn't working?" but when I touched a wire across the poles there was a little tiny snap. I flipped it back over and opened the battery cover again and looked at the AAA battery. "How much juice can a tiny little AAA have?" I looked down a Buster laying on the floor looking back at me and as curious as I was, I wasn't prepared to do that to my trusting pal, my buddy, my dog. "It can't be that strong with only a teeny weeny little AAA battery, besides its probably half used up from the TV remote. So with Buster looking at me like, "You aren't that big a fool are you?" I pressed the two little studs into my bare leg and thinking, "I'll just bump the trigger." I lightly and quickly hit the trigger----
My leg is sore and something is pressing into my side, Buster is licking my face, there's a puddle of saliva on the carpet under my mouth and I vaguely recall seziure like convulsions before blacking out and I still have the tazer tightly clutched in my hand. I let go of the trigger and drop the tazer and agonizingly roll of of the box the tazer came in. As I crawl back into my recliner and pull myself together I'm thinking, "Damned fool" and make a mental note to self: when your muscles tense under electric shock you cannot release the trigger on your tazer.

Laike Ah sayed in mah last post, we are a seff deestuctive culture. Theis here wuz only a leetle taste o' whut Ah mean by thet. Thuh very fact thet Ah fount theis here post on a bdsm site suggests ta' me thet he's a-plannin' ta use that there tazer on his wife. Fortunately, Ah don't thank he'll be tryin' it on her now.
But you know, he ain't thuh onliest one thet's ever done somp'n as stupid as 'at. Wye I bet some o' ya'lls got some stories ta teyall of yer own. Ya'll 'er welcome to share amungst yersevves whut kina' thangs ya'll a-done. I know I done mah sheer. Well laike a-time I went out ridin' on my motorcycle on street tires in the snow. Whin Ah staurted aout thet mornin' hit looked laike a beautiful day late in the fall. I went ta school an' inside a hour it was snowin' heavy. They let us out at lunch so's we could git home afore it got too slick, only it was already too late.

Now I didn't live fer 'nough away to justify gittin' on thet bike, but I did. I got it started and dropped her down in ta' first gear and away I went with both feet on thuh ground and never bothered to shift up. It was already too hairy. Nayow thuh bike was already facin' home so I didn't haff to do no turnin' theyre. I got to the first stop sign, thet waddn' no problem nather 'cuz again, I diddn' have to do no turnin'. But thet second stop sign putt me raight out on ta' thuh main drag o' town. I could-a gone either way ta git gome, but I started out to thuh layeft. When Ah got out in ta' the middle o' thet main road, wye the back end past me raight up. An' thein it kept raight on 'round me till Ah just had ta quit tryin' ta go. When Ah got stopped Ah was a-facin' thuh complete other way, that's when Ah said good 'nough. So that's the way Ah weynt. Ah had ta go thu' thet same cycle at every turn. Whut shud a-takin' me 15 minutes ta walk, tuk me a haff an hour ta ride. An' thet don' even count how many times Ah wuz inta way o' others. When Ah finally did git home it tuk another 15 minutes ta git all the ice out'n mah hayer.

Next time I'll show ya'll some pitchers Ah got thu' mah e-mail thetch ya'll won't believe.

Eentraducshun

2006-03-24T02:30:00.000-08:00

Gitch yerseff preepeered for thuh Blue Collar's Holler'

Ah done looked over this here woarld an' Ah seen a thang or two and now Ah got sompin' ta say 'bout it. And ah don' mean just a leetle. Ah figgered Ah better git me a way ta say it thet could be spraid out over some time. Seyince Ah walked off o' Brushy Mtn. some thirty five year ago in ma cowboy boots and Levis-back theyin cowboys, hillbillies, and hippies all wore Levis don't ya know-ah was yung and duhm an' full o' spit-n-vinegar and bent on findin' a better life. Now ah beleeve ah put in a goot effert to workin' out how ta git along in thuh woarld but dang me if peeples ain't just bent on seff deestrucshun. So's after Ah stopped mahseff from mah own seff deestrucshun with thuh hepp of thuh Lord through thuh church an' a-wachin otherns fer a whall, Ah tried advizin' 'em out of it. Ah heard Mike Warnke say one time, "There's people out there right now going to Hell, I mean like (I'm diggin' the hole right now!)" An he's raight, its like thay cain't git thayr fast enuff. Mind you, Ahm just as guilty as the next feller, but I growed up, I got me some horse siyence.

Innyhow, Ah figgered Ah'd speak up and give examples and do interviews ta show some o' ya'll thatcha don' haff ta liyeve lak 'at. Thet they's a hope an' a way ta a better life. Nayow since Ah'm yore basic geeked out Okie, wye I reckon a blogg's about the best way to gitter done. Evenchully, I plan on makin' one o' them thare podcasts too, but one step at a time. In thuh meanwhall, Ah'm a-lookin' fer a little heifer to do some o' my typing fer me. Ya'll'l know when Ah git one a'translatin' fer me cuz' yu'll be able ta read it a lot faster.

Nayow, what's mah life experence what qualifies me ta be givin' out addvice? Wayell, mah mama and daddy married back wen they wadn' no such thang as a marriage counselor and ta tayell it true they never should a' bin inta first place. So they fought like cat and dog for nigh on to 12 or 13 yeer afore they finely split up. Thet was back wen it was still shamefull to divorce. Ah'm da oldern of five kids an' they tells me now what Ah weyent through was a form of sex abuse. Its whare yore mama leans on ya like you's a full growed man, you know-emotional like. Somehow it makes ya feel like you ain't never gonna be gootenuff er man enuff er somp'in. Even so, thet don't gimme no excuse fer thuh thangs Ah done. Ah finished up high school but just barely usin' pot an' even sellin' it. It was in 1973 Mama up an moved to Anehiem out theyr in L.A. Thet was a culture shock, let me tell you. Mah daddy weyent to jail fer a couple year on wierd charge but it were basicly on account of him sellin' pot by the trashbag full. Ah went ta school, theyen Ah went ta work, theyen Ah joined up in the Air Force and got shipped off to RAF Upper Heyford in the United Kingdom all the way across tha Atlantic Ocean. It's a big island off the coast of France known as England ta us blue collar types. Thet's where Ah mayet mah wife but we didn' got married till Ah come back to tha states. When Ah got out tha military Ah got in a union, thiyen mah wife an' me, we split up and thet's when Ah got tha Lord. Thiyen Ah went from Democrat to Republican and Ah started votin' thiyen Ah got a job managing a satelite office. But its tha church what gave me an education 'bout tha stuff thet matters. No, its moren' thet, it was studyin' the Bible an' havin' the Holy Spirit confirm in mah own spirit what was true an' what ain't. With thayat, Ah learnt thet tha Bible is true through an' through, but tha church is true only 'bout half tha time, an' a hard fact eeis, thet's 99% better innythang aylse out thayr. They ain't no salvation in colleges or edjucashun, they ain't no salvation in them headshrinks, they ain't no salvation in politicin, they ain't no salvation in money and business, they ain't no salvation in them eastern religions, abusin' drugs an' sex or innythang aylse 'll just kill ya quicker but they all hepp occupy ya an' ta fergit fer a whall at best thet thay ain't no lastin' kinda' joy in inny of it.

All thet sed, wut qualifies me most Ah thank is thet Ah know a bit about sufferin' an Ah've learnt ta be honest an' as open an' available as a libary book an' Ah've faced mah own evil nature with thuh hepp of the Lord. So Ah thank Ah can tayell ya'll how ta do it fer yore own seff.

Nayxt time A'll tayell ya'll 'bout mah friend Bubba an' whut he done with his tazer. Ah promise you be wipin' thuh teer out yore eys from laffin' so hard. If'n some o' ya'll want to sponser this here blog, stay tuned whall I gets thangs in order so's Ah can git feedback through a spacial e-mail account setup spacial jest fer this here blog.

BigBob