Bluezer0.net

Where is The Shadow?

2010-07-30T13:48:57Z

The Third Fictional Reporter reporting. . . COLUMBUS, OH – Eighteen days ago The Shadow posted an earth-shaking article that included close-up photographs of the markings on the side of an authentic flying saucer – markings that may correspond to those said to be on the sides of some of the most famous UFO’s of all time, like the famous Kecksburg Acorn, the mini-triangle Jim Penniston and John Burroughs encountered in Rendlesham Forest, and even the top secret Die Glocke, more commonly known as the “Nazi Bell,” which was one of Hitler’s most revolutionary wunderwaffe, and possibly based on extraterrestrial technology. Though certain people have recreated these markings from memory, no one but The Shadow has ever produced pictures. However, since unveiling his history-making photos, he has been scarce. The Shadow, seen here strolling through the woods, has disappeared. After submitting his article by email from Dayton, The Shadow has been seen only a handful of times, and only at a distance. He was first seen on a MegaBus, travelling from Dayton back to Columbus, and shortly after his scheduled arrival, he was spotted at Columbus’s famous Triad Lounge. Since that time he was spotted once on Third Avenue, and that’s it. The Shadow seems to have disappeared altogether. BZ staffers sent to his sub-bridge apartment to see whether he finally drank himself to death found it completely empty, and he has not answered his cell phone. The Shadow’s cell phone. “It’s sturdy,” he once told me. “It still works as well as it did when it was brand new.” Which is to say, it doesn't work. BZ has feelers out in several segments of the Columbus Underground, as well as AA, NA, Weight Watchers, and the Columbus chapter of the NPA, and has placed surveillance cameras in several alleys he’s known to haunt, but there has been no sign of him. So, the question is: where has he gone? Or, more ominously, where has he been taken? It is not uncommon for UFO witnesses to be hounded, surveilled, followed, or otherwise intimidated by military, mock-military, or Men in Black. Has The Shadow been threatened and gone underground? He technically broke and entered on government property – has he been imprisoned? No one knows. We here at BZ do not like The Shadow. He’s arrogant, cowardly, loud, drunk, high, deluded, pushy, he likes to start fights and then run away, and he delivered our fearless leader into hands of aliens, so we don’t really care that he’s gone. But we did sort of notice that he hadn’t posted in a while, which is what started the investigation. And since he does provide about 50% of our content, his disappearance is a problem for us. If you see him, don’t bother to speak to him because he’s a dick, and you’ll regret it. But do let us know. He owes us a couple of articles as per his contract.

Decanus Interview Part 2: Stuck in Oregon, Dollars for Decanus Re-Opened!!!

2010-07-26T22:22:37Z

The Fat Kid reporting. . . EUGENE, OR – After Decanus’ fight with the owner of Eugene’s favorite night spot, I, of course, fled the scene to avoid incarceration for possession with intent to distribute. Afterwards, I checked our favorite places in Eugene, which seemed oddly familiar, and somehow reminded me of my Atlanta days, hanging out on Albany Avenue. In any case, Decanus was nowhere to be found. The next day I made my way back to where his truck was parked, and found him sleeping inside. He agreed to be interviewed again in exchange for a cup of coffee. The transcript follows. Decanus was forced to perform as a street musician at this bus station in Eugene, Oregon. FK: What happened last night? DP: I had to fight the fucking bar owner. Thanks for bailing on me, by the way. That was real cool. Anyway, he owes me for like four nights worth of shows. FK: Why won’t he just pay you? DP: I dunno. He claims I didn’t attract any patrons, and that I breached the contract when I didn’t bring Broken Bells with me, which is just ridiculous because I told him I wasn’t bringing them. I said explicitly that they weren’t coming. FK: What happened after the fight? Did the police come? DP: Well, I’m sure he called them, or that that skinny waitress he’s fucking did, but I was gone before they came. FK: You can’t really go back there again to try to get your money, so I guess you’re just going to move along, then? DP: I’d love to, but the truck won’t start. That’s why I’ve been here so long already – I’ve been trying to make enough money to get it fixed. FK: What’s the matter with it? DP: Alternator. I spent the last money I had on a battery, and it died within an hour, so it looks like my alternator is shot to shit. FK: You have tools? DP: Yeah, but no alternator. This is the alternator Decanus needs. It seems odd that it's so expensive. I mean, $140 after the core charge is expensive for an alternator, right? It seems expensive to me. I was expecting like $70 or $80. FK: So, what are you going to do now? Try to get some gigs at other clubs? DP: Well, I was going to, but that fucking douche from the Horsehead poisoned that well for me. He’s been talking shit to other club owners about the shows, and the Broken Bells, and all that shit, so there’s no hope of that. FK: Well, what are you going to do? DP: Pan Handle. Or not pan handle exactly, but, like, be one of those street musicians. I’ll find a sidewalk with a lot of people walking by, and set up shop. FK: Holy shit. That sucks, dude. I mean, those guys only make change. How much is your alternator? DP: $140 after the core charge. FK: Holy shit. At this point I was too depressed to continue the interview, and just walked away. However, as I couldn’t stop thinking about our fallen friend and would-be leader of the free world, I have devised a two-part plan to get Decanus off the street. I’m taking the first part of the burden on myself. I have decided to devote a full 8% of my herb profits to get Decanus a new alternator. The second part is on you, the reader. We are re-opening the Dollars for Decanus fund. Our goal is to get a full $140 to get Decanus back on tour, and eventually into the White House. You want into our underground civilization when the shit comes down? Ante up, fools!

Decanus Interviewed at Live Show

2010-07-20T03:45:41Z

The Fat Kid reporting. . . Decanus and the Biaviians. From left to right: The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device, Huginn, D’arcy, Muninn, and Decanus. EUGENE, OR – After his latest show at the Horsehead bar, Decanus gave the following interview. DP*: What do you want, fatty? FK: I just wanted to know how the tour without Broken Bells was going. DP: Awesome. Broken Bells are not slamming it every night before I go on or at all, and that just makes the crowd more anxious for my set. So it’s really working out great. (Enter club owner and gum-chewing waitress, the latter with a tray under her arm.) Club Owner: You guys can’t stand here. You’re blocking the fire exit. And we’re closing soon. DP: If you are flammable, and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Club Owner: It doesn’t matter. You have to get out. (Exeunt club owner and gum-chewing waitress.) FK: So, Broken Bells are not actually opening for you? DP: Well, you know, we switch it up. FK: But on most nights. . . DP: Yeah, they don’t open. FK: Right. It must be a great feeling to have established artists like James Mercer and Danger Mouse not opening for you, huh? DP: Definitely. It’s very gratifying to have them not opening. FK: So, what can you tell me about your presidential campaign? How is that end of it going? DP: It’s going OK. You know, this whole tour was engineered to promote that. FK: How so? DP: Well, it started, the whole Decanus Picto and the Biaviians thing, because I needed a campaign song. FK: Yeah, what happened with that? I thought Behemoth’s “Slaves Shall Serve” was supposed to be your campaign song, but I haven’t heard anything about that since the announcement. DP: Well, we were going to do that, but then Behemoth threatened to sue us for using the song without authorization. FK: So, they disagree with your politics? DP: No. I mean, they said they didn’t want to be associated with people as stupid as us, so they threatened to sue. So, I had to have a campaign song. I was going to use Dethklok’s “Briefcase Full of Guts,” but that Brendon Small guy said we didn’t get his jokes, whatever that means. And then we were going to use Notorious BIG’s Gimme the Loot, but his estate didn’t want to sell it to us. FK: You tried to buy the rights to “Gimme the Loot”? DP: No, they actually didn’t want to sell us a copy of the record. So, I got tired of fucking around, and decided that it would be cheaper and slightly less illegal to release the record that I’d recorded myself while I had that gig as a space bus ticket designer. You know, it was on the shelf, or in the can as they say, so I just released it, and we’re using the whole thing as like a campaign album, or EP, and we’re sort of touring the record and making campaign stops at the same time. You know, trying to get the young people involved in politics. And slavery. FK: So, you keep saying “we.” You mean you and the Biaviians, your touring band, right? Who are the Biaviians? DP: Well, Biaviians is sort of a misnomer. There’s like one Biaviian. It’s essentially me, The Biaviian Anti-Gravity Device – who is the only actual Biaviian there – my old-school laptop D’arcy, and my speakers, Huginn and Muninn. (Enter club owner.) Club Owner: I told you two like ten minutes ago that you can’t stay here. We’re closed. DP: Where’s my money? Club Owner: You’ll get it after you leave. At this point a fight broke out, and I had to leave because I was holding and couldn't be around when the cops came. I just came home – ain't trying to see central booking. *There’s no joke here exactly, BZ editors would just like to acknowledge that it’s funny that Decanus’s initials are DP. As in DP. Or DP.

Help! What The Hell Do They Mean?

2010-07-17T16:45:56Z

As first reported by The Shadow in his latest article covering his Third Avenue Saucer Crash Investigation, the purpose of these non-worldly symbols are unknown to him. How about you? Can you explain their origin and translate their meaning? Images courtesy of The Shadow -BZ Staff

The Shadow: The Wright-Patterson Saucer Hangar Revealed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-07-12T23:39:39Z

The Shadow reporting. . . This statue of Icarus, a dumbass who thought he could fly with wax and feathers, is in the lobby of the National Museum of the US Air Force at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. DAYTON – On the surface, Wright-Patterson looks like a normal air force base. On the Wright Field side, there’s a museum that houses what I’d imagine is the finest collection of American military aircraft in the world. They even have formerly classified planes, like the infamous, glowing-red U2 spy plane, and the F-117 Stealth Fighter. The Patterson side seems little different than a normal, working air force base. There are landing strips, hangars, the occasional C-130 loading cargo, soliders milling about. There does seem to be an unusual number of F-16s patrolling the area, but it is an air force base, so that could only be considered slightly out of the ordinary. But if you choose to speculate, you could draw some interesting inferences. Fully-loaded F-16s in the air around Wright-Patterson. They're in you don't want to fuck with me mode. For instance, maybe there are so many F-16s in the air because it’s a training center. Or maybe they’re not patrolling, but stopping to fuel up on the way to other destinations. Or maybe they are patrolling. And maybe they have a very good reason for doing that. Like maybe the military is hiding something at Wright-Patterson, and maybe these F-16s are guarding it because it doesn’t belong to them, and whoever – or whatever – it belongs to wants it back, and maybe even knows where it is. On the west side of Wright-Patterson, there’s a certain hangar that a source of mine pointed out to me, and in that hangar are planes. Just normal planes. But a quarter of a mile out from that hangar, in a field that looks like plain green grass, there is a door that only opens at night. Half an acre of the field itself rolls back like a horizontal garage door to reveal an underground hangar. I cannot say how I was able to sneak into it without giving away the identity of my informant, but that’s what I did. The Shadow and his informant snuck into the saucer hangar – probably in a horse costume like this one. The hangar itself was completely dark but for a sliver of yellow light that slipped in under the door, but there was an ominous feeling that hung about the room – a definite sense that I was in the presence of something unnatural. Turning on the light would have alerted the sentry pacing back and forth outside the door, so I was only able to see the craft by way of a small LED flashlight, and even that I was only able to turn on when he had walked to the far end of the hallway. But really that was enough. The craft itself was over twenty feet across, and as previously reported, this particular craft was octagonal rather than strictly circular, and was constructed of a highly-reflective metallic substance which looked most like mercury, but felt very like aluminum. As I walked around the craft, I noticed that on four of the eight sides, there were strange markings that were unlike anything I had ever seen before, but also unlike each other. They seemed to be in different styles or fonts, and may not even have been written using the same alphabet. While the craft was too large, and the space in the hangar too small, for me to get a photograph of the entire craft, when the sentry was at the far end of the hall, I was able to use my camera flash to get pictures of the markings on all four sides. So, thanks to me, and my ball-risking espionage styles, BlueZer0 is now releasing to the public the very first ever pictures of alien, or perhaps subterrestrial, writing. I, your caption-writing editor, have no wise-ass comments about these pictures. I just want to know what the fuck they are. Shortly after these pictures were taken, my informant told me that another sentry would take over guarding the hangar soon, and that the new sentry would have to check on the craft itself before he could take over the shift. So, though the whole thing lasted slightly less than 15 minutes, and took place in almost complete darkness, it was the most significant experience of my life. When we heard the new sentry in the hallway, we took one last look, and fled into the night.

Decanus Tour Turns Political

2010-07-09T14:26:18Z

The Fat Kid reporting. . . EUGENE, OR – Decanus and the Biaviians’ "Lonesome No More!" tour without Broken Bells has been going strong with stops in Detroit and Flint, MI; Spearfish, South Dakota; Mission, Kansas; Grimes, Iowa; Gothenberg, Nebraska, and now they have landed in the illustrious railroad hub Eugene, Oregon. Decanus Picto "performing" at Eugene, Oregon's Horsehead bar. People generally don’t think of space music as a particularly political genre, but with recent releases by Decanus, Broken Bells, Flamboyant Ambidextrous Rex, Puffapotamus, The Donkeys, Poached Trout in a White Wine Sauce, Dead Monkeys, Chunk and The Goonies, and others, the space music community has taken on a somewhat different character. James Mercer of Broken Bells, for example, has taken a strong stance against stealing radio controlled cars from children, and has spoken out strongly about the need to carry flashlights when walking at night. And Zombie Joey Ramone has performed at several free concerts to benefit down-on-their-luck Carbona (not glue) addicts. Decanus and the Biaviians have been part of this trend. The past few nights, before pressing "play" on his laptop, Decanus, in his capacity as presidential candidate, has been addressing audiences on political issues. Before last night’s show, he spoke to the Eugene, Oregon crowd about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, and the issue of deepwater offshore drilling. A transcript of Decanus’ ad hoc address follows. Hello, Eugene! Hey everybody. Everybody settle down. Listen. Listen. Listen. Quiet down, man. Listen, man. I wanna tell you guys something. This fucking oil spill, man. This fucking oil spill is bullshit. Fuck BP, right? Damn straight. And you know, man, this is just another reason that you should all fill out applications to be a Decanus Picto 2012 Mine Slave. I mean, lemme tell you, man. The earth isn’t going to take much more of this, and certain Invisible Residents are not going to tolerate this kind of bullshit. They live down there, and they have the fucking technology to knock us right the fuck out of existence. And what are we even doing about it? Nothing, right? And asshole BP is essentially saying, I’m not sorry for the things I do. My brain is stuck from shooting glue. I’m not sorry for the things I do. Do dispersants, not glue. Well, FUCK them, man. So, you know, let's build a big fucking bunker in the ground and hide there for a couple of generations, right? Who's with me? Yeah, fuck yeah, man. Decanus and the Biaviians are here to get it on. So rock on, brothers, rock on. Or just sort of space out. Or whatever. Decanus then pressed play, and sat down and read a magazine, much to the crowd’s delight.

Third Avenue Saucer Crash Investigation Continues!!!!!

2010-07-07T00:50:17Z

The Shadow reporting. . . Ominous hangars at Wright-Patterson AFB, where The Shadow has tracked the saucer. DAYTON – Dayton’s Wright-Patterson Air Force Base has a long history filled with military and ufological secrets. There are even rumors that there is an underground base beneath the visible surface-level base. However, many in the ufological community believe that Wright-Patterson’s days as a major center of UFO and experimental technology are more or less over. After investigators revealed that the wreckage of the famous Roswell saucer was transported there, the base was so frequently beset by investigators that it would have been foolish to continue running any but the most mundane operations at Wright-Patterson – it would have been like testing a secret craft in front of a camera crew. But sixty-three years have passed since the Roswell incident, and things have quieted down quite a bit. Other than a small crowd of investigators that cropped up after the appearance of some black triangles in central Ohio a couple years ago, the base has been more or less quiet. Maybe even quiet enough to make Wright-Patterson officials think it was safe to start up the old programs again. The Third Avenue Saucer, in its watery, temporary grave, from which the shadow government (not to be confused with The Shadow) recovered it. Those of you stable enough to remember things that happened a full year ago will remember that Ohio had its own saucer incident, which investigators have since dubbed the Third Avenue Saucer Crash. And those of you who actually have ten- or eleven-month AA chips might hazily recall how my investigation of that event ended – in disappointment. Shadow Government agents beat me to it, and recovered the craft – and at that time I had no idea where they had taken it. However, persistence pays off in time. Using my super-secret contacts in the Ohio Underground, following the scent of even the most incredible leads, and taking the ramblings of the most incoherent witnesses at face value, I managed to locate the craft. I have tracked it to the (in)famous Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Dayton, Ohio. I am presently analyzing the data I have gathered, and will update soon with full details, plus pictures.

Decanus Picto and the Biaviians not Touring with Space-Pop Duo, Broken Bells!

2010-06-16T05:08:01Z

The Fat Kid reporting. . . New York – Space-Pop Duo Broken Bells, in conjunction with Presidential Candidate Decanus Picto and his backing band, The Biaviians, have announced that there will be not be a co-headlining tour. Decanus Picto, seen here with one of his touring band members, Tanqueray, will not be touring with Space-Pop Duo, Broken Bells. The Broken Bells duo, which consists of James Mercer, frontman of awesome-even-though-they’re-really-wussy post-punk/jangle-pop band The Shins, and hazardous rodent/trip hop DJ/producer for like 50 bands, Danger Mouse, released their eponymous debut album in March of this year. Though we here at Bluzer0 like music, we sometimes can’t keep up with all the new releases, so we didn’t find out about that til like last week. But then, as soon as we did, BZ staff contacted Broken Bells, and proposed a co-headlining tour. The video for Broken Bells’ first single, “The High Road,” is freaking awesome. I mean, I don’t really care about the video, but the song is awesome, isn’t it? The video is sort of creepy and child molesterish, though, until they get to the dancing chick part. But they don’t really seem interested in her, do they? And then there’s the horse part, and the little girl in the road part, and whatever. Management for Broken Bells released the following statement: The Broken Bells have never heard of Decanus Picto and the Biaviians, nor have they agreed to do any sort of tour with him, or them, or whatever. Furthermore, nothing like a co-headlining tour has been discussed with anyone. In addition to that, if a journeyman act like Decanus Picto and the Biaviians wanted to tour with Broken Bells, they would not only have to occupy the opening slot, but they’d even have to pay for that privilege, because Danger Mouse and James Mercer are super famous. I mean, they aren’t super famous, but they have their little cults, and even though they’re indie people, they're still money motivated, just like everyone else, and that opening slot is definitely worth something loot-wise. If you do not remove all references to a tour from your website immediately, we will take swift and severe legal action. Also, fuck you. Decanus Picto has released the following counter statement I am very proud to announce that I will not be touring with Broken Bells. I’m a huge fan of The Shins, and as for Danger Mouse. . . well, he’s, you know. . . popular with the kids. And he does that Gnarls Barkley thing for some reason. No one can really figure out why, but he does it, so. . . good for him. And he did that Grey Album thing, which. . . I don’t really see how that’s his. I mean, he just took some tracks and mixed them together, and he didn’t create any of them, so. . . I mean, what the fuck is that, anyway? Kids on the internet do that. How does that make an album? And, I mean, how can you sell that when none of the tracks are yours? That’s like making a mix tape, and then trying to sell copies of it, and being all like, well, I put these songs in this order so I should get some loot off this. I mean, what the fuck is that? Anyway, regardless of that, it’s awesome to not be touring with them. Tickets will not be available anywhere, at any time. Ever.

Decanus Picto Record Released!

2010-06-01T00:08:37Z

The Shadow reporting. . . Columbus – As we all know, when Decanus Picto was abducted by aliens and sold into slavery, by spotted chicks from Venus, he started composing music in his spare time, because 12-foot pot plants tend to have that effect on people. Well, those compositions have finally seen the light of day. That is, because The Fat Kid (who should be fired. I’m just saying. . .) was unavailable, the release date and release party actually came and went with no coverage by Bluezer0. So, way to drop the ball on that one, fatty. I hope your snotty paycheck was worth it. Like he’s better than me because he pays taxes. . . The cover art for Decanus’s new album, Long Tokes at the Gravity Well, available here. Anyway, the point is, Decanus’s record has been released, and much ballyhooed and so on. A reviewer has already said this: It is rare indeed that a present-day record can compare favorably with Beethoven's ninth, let alone the monolithic fifth, but if there is a record that can stand such comparison, it is Long Tokes at the Gravity Well. Combine the emotional/intuitive compositional prowess of Beethoven (because he is far to [sic] warm to be compared to the icy Mozart) with the virtuosity of John 5 or Buckethead, and you have Decanus Picto. Tokes has the structure of a fully-formed, though short - there are three distinct movements - symphony. Plus it's like beep. Beep. Boop. That's awesome, right? And it's about, you know. . . outer space. Look for more from this up-and-coming revolutionary young artist. And prepare for the paradigm shift that will bear his name - Decanism. So, you know, it looks like it’s the double bomb. Pick it up for like three bucks here.Columbus’s famous Triad Lounge, location of the release party for Decanus’s new record, Long Tokes at the Gravity Well, should be familiar to BZ readers. In 2007, the Triad was the location of The Shadow’s own release party for his book, Bright Clouds, Dark Shadows. So, about the release party, I asked around, but I couldn’t really find anything out about that. That is, instead of continuing with my important work connected to last year’s Third Avenue Saucer Crash, I stood around outside the Triad Lounge like Joan fucking Rivers trying to find people who remember what happened there on the eighteenth of May. And, yeah, there was no one who even knew what I was talking about. So, my bad on that. Or, The Fat Kid’s bad. Fuck him. And on a side note, those of you who thought the saucer crash story had fizzled out are wrong. I know where they took it. And as soon as I get out of this halfway house, I’m going to see it.

Peter Steele is Dead at 48

2010-04-15T18:01:06Z

The Fat Kid reporting. . . Sorry about this picture. All the pictures of Pete are kinda. . . like this. Columbus – Petrus Ratajczyk who, because he loved dick jokes, took the name Peter Steele, is dead at age 48, Blabbermouth.net reports. His death comes as a particular shock because Pete recently stopped drinking and doing coke. Peter started his career, apparently, in the metal band Fallout, but then moved on to start the slightly better known post-apocalytic NYHC band Carnivore . Though they seemed awfully racist and sexist, Carnivore lyrics were heavily padded with irony, as evidenced by the song titles, “Jack Daniels and Pizza,” “Angry Neurotic Catholics,” “Thermonuclear Warrior,” and “World Wars III and IV.” He then moved on to start Type O Negative – a name he chose because of a tattoo he and the rest of the band had already gotten. The band was originally called New Minority, but changed to Repulsion, and then SubZero. At this point the band members, thinking they had found a permanent name, got their trademark tattoos – a green minus sign inside a circle, which was originally meant to be a zero. However, they soon found that the name was already being used by another band. Peter then came up with the name Type O Negative at least in part to match the tattoos they had already gotten. Though their first two albums, Slow, Deep, and Hard, and the mock-live record The Origin of the Feces, sold very poorly, their third full-length, Bloody Kisses, was the first gold record ever released by their label, Roadrunner Records. Follow-up albums include: October Rust, World Coming Down, Life is Killing Me, and their final record, Dead Again. Pete stood 6’7”, which gave him a towering stage presence, and once appeared in Playgirl Magazine. Which is hilarious. Pete later claimed that he didn’t know the magazine had a mostly gay readership, and that he regretted doing the shoot. Musically, Pete was known for: his distinctive bass (both voice and guitar), his obsession with The Beatles and Black Sabbath, his ironic-goth lyrics, and his desire to be dead. Apparently, someone got around to hooking him up with that. Though BlueZer0 has at times been critical of Pete, he will be missed. RIP Pete Steele. Or Petrus or whatever. Look for more obituaries here, at Bluezer0.net!

#NomieVision: The Decanus Picto Interview!

2010-03-01T20:23:34Z

Meet Nomie Homie, host of #NomieVision on www.twitter.com. A somewhat daily, real time, running commentary on her favorite TV shows. Recently, shortly before one of her commentary filled tweet sessions, she took time to interview presidential candidate Decanus Picto. Since some of you may have missed it the first time on Twitter, here's your second chance. . . NH: Hello, welcome to #NomieVision (The Special Edition). A twitter interview show. I'm your host @NomieHomie. My next guest lives in Ohio and he's an internet celebrity, UFO abductee and now, if that's not enough to tweet about... ... a presidential candidate. Welcome @Decanus. DP: Thank you @NomieHomie for inviting me. NH: So you're running for president because you believe the world is going to end in 2012. That doesn't make sense does it? DP: Yes I am because like Neo, I don't believe in fate. I like to believe I'm in control of my life. I have a good plan for many of us to survive the apocalypse. Your followers can read about that plan on decanuspicto.com NH: Sure, whatever. You're a survivor. I understand your plan has four basic points. DP: Yup. 1. Become President. 2. Create a government sponsored jobs program for the young men and women hardest hit by this terrible recession... ...and have them work old mines building a vast civilization inside of them. 3. Party and have fun until the shit comes down. 4. Go down into the new underground cities and escape all of the bad shit. NH: Jobs program? You described it as "White slavery" in your speech. DP: Well, that was just me connecting with the people. Using a language that gets attention. They're living in a world that is saturated with txt and sms and tweets and stuff. I needed to use phrases that stand out, so they'll listen. NH: There have been claims of plagiarism surrounding your announcement speech. You stole your doomsday mineshaft idea from Stanley Kubrick didn't you? DP: What? You think because Biden is carrying water for Obama now, Joe's speech writers are working for me? NH: No, that's not what I'm asking you. DP: Look, Kubrick and his collaborators are geniuses like me and my Picto '12 team. The evolutionary convergence of ideas by those with foresight isn't plagiarism. There are only so many words to use when describing stuff. It's gonna happen. NH: Ok, lets move on... You've promised to have this up and running before "the shit comes down" on 12/21/2012. But, you won't take office until 2013. So how are you going to get this done? DP: Well, it's simple really. I will be elected with a mandate from the people. Like Obama, I'll use the people's mandate to start calling the shots right after election day. Showing up at the White House pointing my finger at stuff for the cameras and signing President-elect orders. Lame duck Obama will have to follow them if he wants to move into one of our underground hizzles. NH: Just like that? DP: Yup. NH: Well, ok, there you have it. His plan. Thank you for tweeting with us @Decanus. DP: Uh, but we didn't talk about my spacemusic album. It'll be out late spring. NH: Sorry, The Jerry Springer Show is about to start. Give my producer the details. Next time on #NomieVision (The Special Edition), roller derby babes! Tweet you then. -Pimples Malone

Campaign Trail Update!

2010-01-24T19:16:10Z

The Fat Kid reporting. . . Pennsville, NJ – As Decanus’s campaign manager, I have too many duties to spend much time posting updates, however; be informed that things are going extremely well. The Pictish One has spoken with large audiences in cities far and wide, including glamorous Camden, NJ; Pensauken, NJ; Philadelphia, PA; New Castle, DE; Bear, DE; Elkton, MD; Pittsburgh, PA; Columbus, Ohio, and other illustrious cities and towns across our great nation. At the moment, the Decanus Picto for President Campaign is drumming up support at Pennsville, New Jersey’s famous gentlemen’s club, Melon Shakers, where Decanus spoke to four different super-hot chicks, at least one of whom may have signed up to be part of Decanus’s Legion of Hot Babes for a Better Doomsday and Post-Apocalyptic Future. Decanus, with new Legion of Hot Babes for a Better Doomsday and Post-Apocalyptic Future member, Tanqueray. Are you a super-hot chick? Want to join the Legion of Hot Babes for a Better Doomsday and Post-Apocalyptic Future? Send your picture with Decanus, or your picture of yourself with your Decanus Picto Print-it-Yourself Bumper Sticker-Type Thing, to the recruitment office.

The Fall Of Buckalew Palace (the movie)

2010-01-19T23:33:09Z

Waterford Estates -- November 30, 2009: A date still so shockingly painful, those of us in the know of the events of that day just can't find the words. So, to clue you all in on the importance and relevance of this film, borrowed are these words from The Golden Bough, by Sir James George Frazer, "...for like the great majority of mankind the savage is above being hidebound by the trammels of a pedantic logic. In attempting to track his devious thought through the jungle of crass ignorance and blind fear, we must always remember that we are treading enchanted ground, and must beware of taking for solid realities the cloudy shapes that cross our path or hover and gibber at us through the gloom. We can never completely replace ourselves at the standpoint of primitive man, see things with his eyes, and feel our hearts beat with the emotions that stirred his. All our theories concerning him and his ways must therefore fall far short of certainty; the utmost we can aspire to in such matters is a reasonable degree of probability." -Pimples Malone

Decanus Replies (sort of)!

2009-12-30T18:53:42Z

The Fat Kid reporting. . . Clintonville – When “Big Gunny Wayne” sent his latest big-wordy email (a word of advice: big [and/or misused] words do not equal good writing), Decanus was off on the long and dusty campaign trail, and could not be bothered to answer. However, having arrived back in Ohio, bearing many exclusively Philadelphian treats (do you even know what a Wawa is?), he has taken four minutes to reply. With his thumbs. Picto '12 issued staff wireless communication apparatus (File Photo) He has done so, thus: You again? I’m trying to eat my Iladelph-Style (go Iggles!) convenience-store lunch. All right. Look, dude, I have a thesaurus, too, but it’s on my Mac, which is not in the car with me, so I’mna hafta improvise. So bear with me. I know you conservative types like a lot of high-fructose, partially-hydrogenated attention for your silliness, but I don’t appreciate your riboflavin all up in my Yellow #6, and Red #4. It really messes up my turmeric color and artificial flavors, which affects my flavonoid content in a serious way. If you are dissatisfied in any way with this product, we will replace it or refund your money. Send receipt and proof of purchase to: Tasty Baking Company Navy Yard Corporate Center Three Crescent Drive, Suite 200 Philadelphia, PA 19112 (215) 221-XXXX Sent from my Vagina Wireless Backblerry. [Edited for spelling, punctuation, links, and phone numbers by: The Fat Kid, in association with the Decanus for President 2012 Campaign.] [Picture added by meddlers from the Bluezer0.net Image and Graphics Desk]

He's Back! More From BZ's Favorite Hater!

2009-12-22T19:26:39Z

Clintonville -- Big Gunny Wayne gets tough with Decanus Picto and BZ in a new email. The last time his hate letter was so special we had to post it and now it seems we are expected to again. So here's the latest. . . To Whom It Should Concern, For too long I've kept my silence after Decanus Picto announced he wanted to destroy our nation with his run for our highest political office. I offer this letter as a kind of medicine, an elixir if you will, to remedy the potions of lies that induce mindless drone sleep found permeating the shenanigans of Decanus and his hired hacks at BlueZer0.net. Within the deleterious milieu of wowserism exists the opportunity for Decanus to enshrine irrational fears and fancies as truth. But even if we disregard that and examine only his irrational apologues, this seems to me to be enough to show that every time he tries, Decanus gets increasingly brazen in his attempts to control what we believe. Decanus and his speech writing plagiarists do not want to rewrite history to reflect or magnify an imaginary "victimhood" in our future because they are conniving, dastardly, hypersensitive, and prurient (though, granted, they're all of the aforementioned) but rather because they are also sophomoric louts! In the end, this pack of charlatans mock our morality solely to shift attention away from their many vices. Creating this Vote Picto '12 campaign of mockery of the values we hold dear is the straw that breaks the camel's back. What you the awakened and concerned reader should do now is join in condemnation of this website of rudeness, ranker and heresy. Use every medium available to you. Use the Internet. Use your telephone. Use radio and newspapers. And whatever you do, never be afraid to speak out against the evil that is Decanus Picto and BlueZer0.net. In harm's way, Big Gunny Wayne