Body Love for Life

Tangible Changes

2014-06-13T14:24:00.002-07:00

It's time for a reflective birthday post! Though with so many major life events happening lately, I was planning on writing anyway.

I first want to follow up on my post about preparing to love my body on my wedding day. And I have to say that not only did I love my body - I mostly just didn't think about my body at all!

While my bridesmaids and I got ready in the morning we were a little body focused, but the great thing was that I already had all of my body preparations pre-planned. I had my hair planned with my aunt and my (minimal) makeup prepared with my sister and I had bought slick white undershorts to wear under the gown and I had broken in my shoes and I had tried the dress without the corset bra in case I felt like I couldn't move and wanted to go without it! Everything was ready and I didn't have to give anything a second thought.

Then, hair done and dress on, I went out into my wedding day without a second thought to my body (other than making sure I had sunscreen on for the beautiful weather)! The funny thing is everyone kept telling me "mazal tov, you look so beautiful!" As if that was the ultimate goal of the day. I didn't resent the compliment - it's the standard to tell the bride she is beautiful on her wedding day and I would probably have been suspicious had no one done so! And of course it felt lovely to hear that I looked beautiful. But it more accurately went in one ear and out the other. Because I did not need that validation to feel good about myself. I was getting married! To Louis! (Not to mention, I am an overall accomplished, compassionate, fun human being! All good things!)

And then I was dancing! Because I was married! To Louis! And I don't think I've ever felt more adored, surrounded by the most important people from all stages of my life, being danced, together with my husband, into our new journey. My body did everything it needed to that day and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful that along the way I was able to stay away from body hate and torture for the sake of fitting into a smaller dress (I loved the shape and size of my dress) or being thinner for Louis (he loves my body just the way it is) or switching my soft arms for those of someone else (I didn't think about my arms at all, in the end)! My day was about me and Louis and not about scrutiny of my body.

The second thing I've noticed lately is my improved relationship with photographs. With our current social media culture, it is easy to get caught up in the desperate need to look "good" in all of the photos that are posted of us. And "good" usually means either immaculate or goofy enough that it doesn't matter. Mundane photos in which we look like regular humans get ditched faster than we can be tagged in them. Like Beauty Redefined says about the culture of selfies: First we capture the photo and scrutinize ourselves, then we select our best photo to be posted, mentally comparing our bodies to the bodies of other people in our social groups, and then we share and wait to be validated with "likes" and "comments". We all fall prey to this.

Beauty Redefined also has a post about fighting that urge to judge ourselves when we get tagged in an "unflattering" photo. Thankfully, something about these posts must have stuck with me. Between college graduation and my wedding, my Facebook was popping up with notifications of shared iPhone photos capturing some of my exciting moments. And I just looked through and smiled! Why? Because no one is looking at the weird lighting on my nose or the roll of fat under my shirt. They are looking at my smile, at my cap and gown, at my sparkling, watery eyes under the wedding canopy, at the circle of friends surrounding me at these momentous occasions. I have to say that this new way of looking at myself has become surprisingly engrained in me, so much so that I did not even realized anything had changed until I sat down to write this post.

The last tangible change that I have noticed is my urge to move. On my birthday, I had planned to go to a walk-in massage parlor to treat myself to some relaxation before birthday festivities with Louis. As I walked the three blocks to the nearest massage place (oh, New York), I felt an intense gloominess and anxiety fall over me. I have no idea why. But I do know that I could feel in my bones that lying on a massage table for an hour would do nothing to make me feel better. I needed to run. I turned on my heels, hurried back to the apartment, and put on running clothes before I could change my mind. It was the best run I've had in a long time.

I have become more attuned with my body's need to relieve stress, anxiety, restlessness, lethargy, and all manner of physical and emotional symptoms through movement. Sometimes it's a run in the park, sometimes it's a five-minute dance in my underwear. Sometimes I can't or won't make the time to satisfy that urge, whether because my schedule is too packed or because I am too busy taking care of other parts of my mental, physical, spiritual, or emotional health. But I can say that I am much more tapped in to the desire to move and I take much more pleasure in indulging it. And I don't think that is a minor change. I think that is because I am not listening to anyone but myself and my own body to tell me when, why, and how I need to exercise. It is just for me. And that is a relief.

So what I want to say it this: We can make change for ourselves. We can be kinder to ourselves. We can learn to love ourselves better, more often, and more fully. I can feel it happening in my life and for others around me. And it's because of the people I associate myself with (people who make me feel great!), media I involve myself in (that takes a stand on the objectification of our bodies and teaches us how to see past it), and the permission I give myself to be critical, sharp, and aware of the effects all outside influences have on me and my love of myself.

In just a few days I will be off on my honeymoon in Barcelona and then in Jerusalem for almost a full year! The last time I lived in Jerusalem, my body love was at an all-time low and I was at risk for permanently damaging my health. I am incredibly grateful to be returning much stronger, much wiser, and much happier than I was back then.

With love, anticipation, and a shimmy for good luck,

Gabriella

p.s. Here are some photos that a younger me would have "untagged" that present-day me loves!

Wedding Body Love

2014-04-19T08:13:00.005-07:00

My wedding is in five weeks. This means a lot of different things are happening for me right now, but one of those is body anxiety for my big day. I want so badly to be in love with my body as much as I am in love with my partner when we stand together under the chuppah (marriage canopy). I don't want to waste a second thinking about how I look in my dress or how the pictures will come out. It stands to reason that when the day actually arrives, I will, in fact, be too excited and distracted to be thinking about these things. But in the past week these thoughts have taken over.

I know it won't do my health, my body, or my body image any good to go to extreme measures in these few weeks before the wedding, so I manage to refrain from jumping on the diet wagon. What drives me crazy is that I have been progressively healthier in the last year and my body has not changed one bit. And then it drives me crazy that I want it to change, because that goes against my pursuit of body love.

Anyway, back to the wedding. I've decided to take some time in these weeks toning up my arms (which are the most exposed part of my body in my wedding dress) so that I feel strong and confident when I put my dress on. (Why is everything always about the dress??) And I have decided to take the opportunity of these thoughts surfacing to combat the distorted thinking that goes on when I think about my appearance on my wedding day.

Everyone will only be staring at my arms.
I will hate the pictures.
People will only pretend that I am beautiful.
I will be self-conscious.
Everyone will think, "If only she weren't fat."
My body will distract people from the wonderful event.

...These are just not true. They can run around in my head all day long, but in the end, they are cognitive distortions of the reality which is that I will be beautiful, I will be radiant, and I will be marrying the love of my life, which is what the guests are excited about and will be focusing on.

As part of my battle against these exaggerated thoughts, I looked up photos of heavy brides on the internet and spent some time marveling in their happiness and beauty. Sure, I also occasionally compared myself ("See? If she can look beautiful, so can I." or "Well, I'm not that heavy." or "She should not consider herself heavy!!"). But for the most part, I take comfort in how many shapes of women there are in the world and how the shape of the woman makes no difference at all as she declares her commitment to her life partner.

If anyone has their own ways for battling cognitive distortion (wedding specific or in general), I would love to hear about it.

In the meantime, I will find any and all external and internal sources to help me bask in my own beauty as I prepare for this momentous occasion.

With love, anticipation, and matza*,

Gabriella

*It is passover! Maybe this is all a by-product of matza-induced bloating.

Beautifully Human

2014-03-13T19:25:00.003-07:00

Y'all should know, the reason I keep stopping my writing for extended periods of time is because I expect myself to write fully thought out, articulate, knowledgable posts every single time. So I'm throwing that out the window for the sake of sharing thoughts with a community of friends and readers who want to hear what I have to say (surprisingly)!

I am writing today with an important message for myself and other self-conscious individuals out there who need some self-forgiveness and love.

Today's post is dedicated to two wonderful friends of mine: One is an incredibly strong woman who is always there to talk about body image and the ups and downs of being a feminist in a still superficial world. The other is an old, dear friend, who is there for me in a real, down-to-earth way no matter what is going on in our lives. And there is always something! So here's to you, ladies.

I was talking to a friend about why it feels good to get new clothes and a makeover (especially when a wealthy relative is paying)! She was feeling down on herself for enjoying it and for feeling beautiful. What is that about? She asked. If I am a body image enthusiast and try to deconstruct the notion that my value is based on my looks, why did I enjoy getting treated to new clothes that flattered my figure and makeup that made me glow? And how can I be okay with myself for feeling that way?

The answer I gave her is one I found myself repeating in my head just one day later as I worried about why I still have the urge to lose weight. So I figure it may be worth repeating here. In artistically-licensed letter form, of course.

Dear Friend,

You may think you are materialistic and superficial, but you are not.

What you are is a human who wants to be appreciated and loved.

And for most waking moments of your entire life, you have been fed the message that to be loved you have to look a certain way.

Materialism and superficiality are bi-products of your desire to be valued combined with your surroundings screaming at you that looking skinny and "beautiful" is the only way to achieve that.

It's okay to be disgusted by that. But the disgust need not be internally directed. I hope it isn't.

How can you be disgusted with yourself for wanting to be liked, valued, and loved?

To me, that is beautifully human.

When you look at yourself in the mirror and feel the "beautiful" that society tells you to be, your brain translates that to, "Thank God. Now I will be loved."

That's what it tells you. "Now you will be loved." So of course you feel wonderful. As you should. Because being loved is a wonderful thing.

But you should know that your brain is lying to you.

It is not your reflection that makes you loved.

Because you were loved long before you put on this makeup and bought this new dress. You have been loved and will be loved by all of us who know you as the beautiful human you are.

Who see the wrinkles in your eyes and remember that time we laughed so hard that we couldn't stop from squinting; we got laugh headaches. Who see the folds in your arms and remember how good of a hugger you are at the most important moments; remembering being held by arms both soft and strong.

Who actually aren't scrutinizing your body every time we see you and never notice a single freckle or "flaw" because we are busy listening. Because we love what you say. And we love what you do.

So don't pay your reflection any extra attention. Because as it changes, whether by will or by fate, through the days and through the years, our love for you never will.

"I Want to Be A Farmer Because": A Documentation of Anecdotes and Desires

2013-12-05T20:11:00.001-08:00

I Want to Be a Farmer Because...

1. Everything I learn about what my body, mind, and soul need to cooperate and be sustained makes me realize that I need to nurture, grow, and love all that I eat. This is a process that I can feel my body yearning towards and it's much harder to do that when you just pick up something packaged and MSG-filled in the store!

I want to place seeds in the soil and labor over their growth. I want to live with the flow of the seasons, each food in its time. I want to hold each ingredient in my hand as I wash it, prepare it, and place it with intention among other ingredients that together will create something delicious. Something my body can understand as it travels through my senses. I wish to have this for myself some day.

Hello, by the way. I know it has been a while since I wrote. So much has been going on in my life (what with graduating, planning a wedding and preparing to move to NYC) that I have taken very little time to enhance my body love lately. Except for the swimming class I was in this semester! That has been great. But aquatic exercise aside, I am just now feeling the shame (that I try so hard to avoid!) of ignoring my body's wants and needs for the past few months.

Well for some reason, tonight I was motivated to watch Hungry for Change, a documentary on the tricks the food industry is using to keep us addicted to highly processed food. While I already was aware of most of the points the documentary made (plus I had to stop halfway through because it stopped helping and started depressing), it was a good reminder of what I have to look forward to now that I'm back in the game.

I'll admit, though, this is always the hardest step. I am full of shame and frustration at myself for, once again, failing to discover the natural and healthy lifestyle that my body so desires and excited, but also dreading another go round. Nevertheless, I pick myself up, recite some love mantras, and take another step. Will this time be different? Will I find my body love for life? Maybe. It will certainly be part of the journey.

I Also Want to Be a Farmer Because...

2. I want to rid my life of as much capitalism as I possibly can. I hate the feeling of having to go through prescribed steps in my growth as a human being just to get a money-making job, so I can give the money away for food and shelter, and so that I can save more of the money to give it away for food and shelter for my some-day progeny. I would much rather do none of that and just make my own food (and shelter?). I also wish I could live in a village that trades goods for other goods for a living. But that's a whole other issue.

This goes back to all of the life transitions going on in my life right now. Yes, I am engaged and obsessively thinking about my soon-to-be married life with excitement, nervousness, and everything in between. But I am also going through job interviews because, well, I need to grow up and support myself! And soon my hubby! And eventually some children (with his help, of course)! And while I am applying for positions I can see myself doing for at least the few months before the wedding...I just...don't believe in the system. At all.

This is me in my head right now.

I don't know enough about the economy to actually make any substantive arguments here. I simply cannot sit comfortably in my corner of this capitalist world. I don't want to make money just to turn right back around and spend it on housing, food, clothing that is all subject to the market's whims and not set up to help me through life at all! I would rather just make all of it myself. Self-sufficiency can be very gratifying. Granted, making housing and clothing might be a bit more complicated and socially risky, so I will let those go for now.

But as soon as I can I am buying a ranch and farming my land! That is my new life ambition and I ain't budging!

I acknowledge that this entire second reason to become a farmer seems to have absolutely nothing to do with body love. But it is all so inextricably connected. How can I settle into my own skin when I can't settle into the world around me? When the societal demands placed on my life course take away any reserve energy and mind space I might have for my connection to myself?

This may seem like a bleak outlook. But someday this frustration will motivate me to make a change (like becoming a farmer) that will set me on a course to fulfillment and satisfaction. Right? Right.

Thank you for humoring the rant that just happened as a result of not writing for too long. But don't laugh too hard because if it happens one day (the farming, I mean), I will come back and laugh, "I told you so!"

With nervousness, hope, and fertilizer,

Gabriella

p.s. There is a chance I might, might appreciate a job in which I were working to fix an injustice or giving voices to those who feel they can't speak. If this happens, I shall swallow my words happily and we shall all rejoice!

The DOs and DON'Ts

2013-08-30T22:14:00.003-07:00

Once again, it has been too long since I have written here! I'm noticing a habit of mine that when I am in flux with my body image I am reluctant to share my muddled thoughts because I worry that they will not be worth your time. But too much worry can lead to guilt which can easily lead to shame - an emotion that I try to stay far far away from. So here I go!

I have gone through a lot of body uncertainty in the last few weeks because of conversations with a few people who, despite having good intentions, have invalidated my convictions about body image, unintentionally making me question myself, my legitimacy, and my worth. Instead of going into the details of these interactions, I thought I might set out some guidelines for an appropriate and compassionate approach to fellow human beings with different body shapes and sizes than your own.

The DOs and DON'Ts of a Body Image Discussion

DON'T assume that someone who believes in positive body image is making excuses for themselves.
DO give the benefit of the doubt to each human being and assume that they are taking care of their body and their health (unless they prove you wrong by their ACTIONS, not by their APPEARANCE).

DON'T assume that people need to change because they do not fit an ideal.
DO keep an open mind about what healthy might look like.

DON'T claim someone else's body for your own by trying to impress your own body habits onto it.
DO allow people in your life to experience their own struggles and reach their own conclusions that are DIFFERENT than your own.

DON'T strike up a conversation just to shoot someone down and disagree with their core beliefs that may or may not be enabling them to function on a day to day basis.
DO listen to other people's opinions. Let their words reach you and affect you.

DON'T try to lead someone else to your own conclusion. This invalidates their opinion and means you are focusing on how to make your argument instead of hearing what they are saying.
DO show that you care and trust that no one can understand an individual body better than its owner.

I could go on, but I want you to actually hear what I wrote, so I will refrain from ranting.

Except for this - this is my visual version of a rant.

The other thing I would like to start doing is sharing links to articles and blogs that I come across that I find inspiring. I often post these on Facebook, as well, but I think it would be nice to gather a few for each post. So for this round...

Isabel Foxen Duke is an emotional eating consultant and writes about not equating our body shapes and sizes with our worth: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/isabel-foxen-duke/why-love-your-body-campaigns-arent-working_b_3605184.html

Beauty Redefined hits home again in quoting Nate Pyle in "The Guy's Guide to Seeing Women, Not Objects." Reading this made me hope for a better future where men and women cooperate to make women feel like human beings and not commodities. There is a truth in his words that I hadn't realized before, even in all of my feminist-leaning philosophies: http://www.beautyredefined.net/guys-guide-to-seeing-women-not-objects/.

They also wrote a blog post about how to bounce back from feelings like the ones I've had these last few weeks - and for their impeccable timing, I am truly grateful. I suggest this short read about resilience and self-compassion for anyone who ever has looked at a picture of themselves and has immediately thought, "yuck!" Their words made me feel understood, encouraged me to keep believing what is true to me, and reminded me that I am not alone: http://www.beautyredefined.net/not-picture-perfect-bounce-back-from-a-body-image-blow/

I'll leave it at that for tonight!

I do want to thank all of those family, friends, and friends of friends who have gone out of their way to tell me that they are following this blog. Your encouragement is inspirational and I hope you'll keep reading and telling me your thoughts!

With a sudden calm, a yawn, and hope for tomorrow,

Gabriella

Many Changes in a Lifetime

2013-07-28T19:58:00.003-07:00

Hello there, dear readers,

This is scary/funny/true.

I apologize for this three-week gap between posts. I was working through something relevant to this body love thing and I felt I needed to have a grip on what I was experiencing before I tried to write about it. This is not a constraint I usually possess (ask my fiancé), so I am grateful that I gave myself this time to ruminate on my own.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been struggling with reconciling my desire to lose weight and my unshaken belief in loving my body. Not to mention that I've now broadcasted this belief to all Facebook friends, Twitter followers (all 5), and friends-of-my-parents (all 150). It seems like there's a conflict of interest here and I have been determined to justify my feelings and actions in a way that stays true to all of those beliefs. Now that I have begun to succeed in that endeavor, I can share what I've discovered!

Step one. Why I want to lose weight and why that doesn't interfere with positive body image.

I will say over and over again (to you and to myself) that my top priority is health, not "beauty". Yes, thoughts of achieving some unattainable ideal figure will inevitably pop into my head, but my motivation is mental and physical health. For myself (but not necessarily for everyone else, of course), gaining weight has added a strain on some joints, muscles, and bones that has not been there before. Feet, back, hips all can feel the change in my body, and though they are surviving, my physical joy of moving has significantly decreased. If I can get back that joy and put a spring back into my step (literally), then I will jump at the opportunity.

From Beauty Redefined

Step two. How I have tried going about doing that and why it hasn't worked (I think).

Because I am determined to keep my relationship to food and to my body emotionally healthy I have avoided making any sort of rules for myself when it comes to eating. No "No food after 8pm!" "No carbs!" "Only 3.75 desserts a week!" Instead, I have worked on listening to my body, giving it what it needs, and stopping when it is satisfied. The pitfalls in this system are twofold. 1) I can listen to my body all I want, but I can't always understand what it's saying. I try very hard, but sometimes it is just speaking an entirely different language than I am. 2) I am very good at tricking my brain. (Most of us are good at self-justifying.) So I may be able to tell myself that my body really does need a Venti Frappuccino to get through the day, but my body may be actually just needing a big serving of Vitamin A-filled veggies. Together with not always understanding my body, this tactic is much easier said than done.

A beautiful photo of some vegetarian proteins!

Unwilling to give up on this mindful eating strategy (and I never will be!), I moved on to focusing on eating protein, realizing that my other food group proportions fell more neatly into place if I made sure I was getting protein at every meal and snack. Nutritionally, this helped a lot! But proportion-wise, I ran into trouble needing to satisfy my body's hunger but knowing that if I continued to fill myself completely, I would remain at the weight I am now.

Step three. The newest experiment.

I went to the doctor for an annual check up and we scheduled a follow up appointment for a nutrition consultation a week later (this is why it has taken me so long to write). At that appointment, I briefly summarized my journey with my body and explained that I was looking to slowly lose weight, but was at a loss as to how to do that without losing any of my positive emotional relationship to food and my body.

The doctor assured me that that healthy relationship was of the utmost importance. Then, she began to lay out the facts. She told me how many calories I needed to eat in a day to lose weight and told me how that should be broken down throughout the day. She also told me which types of foods (ie. carbs, fats, proteins, veggies) would be helpful to eat at which points during the day.

While she was calm and encouraging, I automatically had a bit of a nervous breakdown. How was I going to do this while holding on to everything that's important to me?? The answer: I was just going to have to try it.

And guess what? It has been going well. I told myself that I would take one week to actually count/measure food just so that I would have an accurate idea of how much was how much. Putting a one-week limit on that part of the lifestyle change helped calm my nerves, because I knew that this wouldn't turn into a full-on calorie-counting diet.

And the most surprising part is - having the minimal amount of other guidelines has actually been INCREDIBLY LIBERATING! Who knew? But once I started, I realized that this holds true in all parts of my life; I do well with a little bit of structure. It actually makes me feel more secure and stable and healthy.

I want to emphasize here that I am sharing this as my own personal experience of this experiment and the feelings I have been having along the way. The reason this is part of my body love journey is because it is helping me love my body, emotionally and physically. BUT - it may not be part of yours. If there is one tenet I believe about body love, it is that we are all unique. That is what the mainstream media tries to take away from us by selling us one ideal beauty and the fad diets and tricks to make us look just so. That is not the love our bodies needs. Our bodies need individual attention and a willingness on our part to adapt. My body needs something entirely different from yours. And then, within that one body, changes in lifestyle may be necessary. Even the most stable of bodies change throughout their life cycles and need us, as their loving owners, to switch it up in order to take care of them.

This breakdown can't possibly be right for every human body.
You know?

So, when I say that this new way of eating has been liberating to me, I do not mean in any way to sell that to you. I am just sharing the joy with the hope that you can read this and say to yourself, Hm...that might work for me! Or Nope...that would definitely not work for me. Or Wow...I really don't care at all whether or not that would work for me, I have much more important things on my mind.

One really interesting thing is that I am also finding more energy to move my body. Which to me is a surefire sign that I am giving it what it needs. Of course there are always days where I am just too wiped - but I will take advantage of the days when I am feeling feisty!

My body really is feeling good right now. I look forward to keeping all of you updated on the roller coaster as I continue to try new things to figure out what works for my body. Like I said, one body changes many times in a lifetime. I don't expect mine be the outlier to this rule; I expect it to need something different later on. If I'm lucky, it will give me a few years to function in a way of life before suggesting I change. But should it demand something new tomorrow, I like to think I'd be willing to give that something new a try.

With strength, love, and protein,

Gabriella

Possible-izing the Impossible

2013-07-09T18:58:00.003-07:00

Sometimes it feels like body image struggles, both physical and emotional, are impossible to overcome. I dedicate this post to everyone who keeps coming back to find their body love, even when it feels hopeless.

It may seem like one step forward, two steps back, but I have to believe - and I hope you will, too - that the reverse is True. So let's take those two steps forward, whatever they may entail for each one of us, and no matter how many times we have to take a baby step back again.

I say this to show my pride in all of you for whatever you do to increase your body love, but also as a form of self-encouragement! Since the beginning of this blog, two months ago, I have made major improvements on listening to my body and eating nutritionally. I have not, however, been "moving" as often as I had wanted to, nor have I been slowly and healthily losing weight to relieve my joints and muscles. (See my first post for a more detailed account of my goals.)

I cannot express over typing how frustrating this is for me. Here, I feel like I am doing everything right that I can possibly manage, and yet my body is not rewarding my efforts. What is up with that?!

The answer is - it could be lots of things. For all of my body awareness, I cannot pretend to know everything that is going on in my body. So I cannot despair, and I will continue to do what feels good, that is, to eat nutritionally and as my body needs it.

BUT, to satisfy my frustrated mind, I can postulate about mental blocks that may be in my way, preventing me from achieving the other hopes I have laid out for myself. Talking with my besty from my home town this past 4th of July weekend, I discovered some of these personal mental and emotional blocks. I will go through them in reverse order:

3. My desire to feel ultra-relaxed during my downtime. Logically, this cannot include movement. Therefore, when I get home from work I am determined to be as sedentary (ie. restful) as possible. We deconstructed this.

2. I feel hypocritical trying to lose weight, even healthily, because I know that a part of me still insists that I will look more beautiful if I am thinner. Even if that is not the ultimate reason that I desire a lighter physique, I feel guilty hearing it chatter away in the back of my head. We deconstructed this.

1. My sparring match with severe restrictive dieting has instilled in me an instinctual fear of hunger. Any amount of hunger is automatic reason to find food, and if my stomach is growling, I must be restricting myself and something. is. wrong. The problem with that is, in order to lose weight, I need to decrease my net calorie intake (ideally through exercise primarily), which, at the weight I am now, will not be quite enough to satiate me. So as far as I can tell, I will be a little hungry until my body adjusts.* And I just cannot tolerate this. This did not need deconstructing because, as you can tell, I already knew where this one came from.

We talked these out for a long time and I won't bore you with the details. What I will share are the solutions that we agreed may help.

Solutions (at least for now):
1. It is okay to be a little uncomfortable. Try it and see. (I am currently experimenting with this. It is going well, but I am still questioning when hunger is healthy and when it is not. One technique I may try is eating small meals 5-6 times a day instead of 3 medium meals a day so that I do not feel as if I am operating on small amount of food all day.)

2. When I find myself focusing on ideal beauty, tag on a line about health (ie. "I will look so much better if I lose some weight...AND I will feel so healthy!")**

3. Relaxation does not have to be sedentary. I will attempt to do some moving as many days as possible before I relax all the way into my couch and can't get up.

A wonderful Beauty Redefined post-it note message
that I try to remind myself of when problem #2 surfaces.

Those are the experiments I am working on right now. As I wrote this, I couldn't help but wonder if the experiments will ever end. But why is that bad? If body health and body love will always be important to me, then, yes, I will always be asking my body what it needs. Since it can't speak English back to me, I will have to continue to experiment to allow it to answer my questions. Maybe instead of calling it an experiment, I will call it a conversation. Hm. Yes, I like that. And I sure hope my conversation with my body will never end. (That would be bad.)

Well, that's it for now. I'm off to move my body by wringing out hand-washed laundry (trust me, it is a workout).

With hope, clarity, and Dustin Hoffmanº,

Gabriella

*Since I have a doctor's check-up this week, I will follow up about this matter and let you know if that is, in fact, true.

**Ideally, I would love to cut myself off and say, "I will look so much better- NO! IT'S NOT ABOUT LOOKS! YOU WILL BE HEALTHY!" But I don't believe self-denial will do me much good. I am subject to the unrealistic ideals of beauty as much as any other media-bashing, self-aware, body-image enthusiast out there. The only way I can fight that body hate head on is to remove it further and further from my focus by redirecting my focus somewhere else (not by denying the thought in the first place).

ºHere's a little body love treat:

A Sprinkle of Body Thoughts

2013-06-30T22:00:00.003-07:00

Hello dear friends!

Since my last post I have had a smattering (smattering?) of little body-related thoughts that do not nearly come together into a cohesive post. But, heck! Who needs cohesiveness?

The first thing I want to say is that I was honored and comforted by the support I received from all corners of my friendships for my last post about obesity becoming a disease. I received praise for articulating my opinion, constructive thoughts, further research, and honest questions. So thank you for that.

I had a clarification to make after receiving some great feedback, which is about my opinion of an individual's responsibility to be healthy. I wanted to paraphrase a Facebook chat I had with a good friend of mine about this issue:

Her: What you wrote was really interesting...but I did actually like what the doctor said on ABC about not focusing on calling it a disease/epidemic but focusing on healthy habits.

Me: That's funny! I didn't catch that on the video at all. Maybe I was too angry to hear it. I'm going to watch it again right now...

...I see what you mean. Well that's a relief to listen to a second time with a calmer mindset. But I still have a problem with the focus on everyone's habits being wrong (kids are eating wrong, kids aren't moving enough, people are bad parents) instead of on the industries that lead to all of these food cravings and lethargy and yo-yo dieting (food industry, technology convenience, and beauty industry respectively).

Her: I agree, but I have a hard time understanding how else this is supposed to be addressed. Do we just have to focus on the whole of the industry rather than the individual?

Me: That's an interesting way of framing it. It reminds me of a thought I was having about my personal interaction with the technology industry. Which is: Am I doing something wrong by checking my phone all the time?

Her: Well you know how I feel about smart phones.

Me: Well, it's definitely not a good habit, but I've also been advertised to all day long about all of the apps I need to make my life better. So it is not a good thing that I am checking my social apps every few minutes...but I don't feel I am entirely to blame for this compulsion.

Her: No, you're definitely not to blame.

Me: So similarly, eating the wrong foods and not moving is not a good thing, but it's not the people who are to blame. Most mass marketed food is manufactured to addict. With saltiness and sweetness, leading to crashes in blood sugar and a never ending cycle of sugar addiction. And the beauty industry insists that we much achieve an unattainable ideal body, leading us to spend money on beauty products instead of healthy food, slowing our metabolisms with starvation diets, and entering a cycle of disappointing weight loss and weight gain.

Her: True. And not everyone has access to education about this. And the industries are totally preying on that.

So, I hope that clears up a little about my personal opinion, but I also want to point out the end of the conversation, which was an ENTIRELY NEW THOUGHT that I had NEVER CONSIDERED: the effects of race and class on the issue of food, health, and body image. I have not given this facet of body image enough thought to write about yet, but Wow. That is why I write these posts. Because through starting this dialogue, we are introduced to completely new issues to contemplate. New support, new insight, new perspective on the world and our place in it. It's deep, huh?

New ideas are awesome!

To say one final thing about that dichotomy (individual vs. whole): I do believe that individuals can have the power to overcome the uphill battle against these industries (am I starting to sound like a conspiracy theorist? I'm not, I promise) and to find their ways to healthy, body loving lifestyles. And, of course, I hope and pray for each person to do so for themselves. But the amount of blame, judgment, and guilt placed on each individual who is struggling in some way with these issues is completely dismissive of the level of challenge we are all facing. I believe that the most I can give everyone is a break. A break from that guilt, that blame, that heavy burden. Without compassion and love, finding peace and health is that much harder. That is why I refuse to judge individuals for their capacity to maintain healthy weight, eat healthy food, or love their bodies. The only body I can fully understand is my own, so all I can do is find my own body love and send love and compassion to others searching for the same.

ººº ººº ººº

The other thoughts I wanted to share are from outside sources that I love.

On the side of the webpage, you'll see one of my Resources is Beauty Redefined. They are awesome. Their blogposts, Facebook posts, and emails have been a gift to me in my body love journey. They speak to me very deeply and I hope some of what they have to say will speak to you, too.

This is a heart-wrenching post about the impact women can have on their children's body image. The difficulty of struggling with your own physicality while imbuing your children with self-respect and love is one I have not yet faced, though I have been on the other side of the interaction. What strikes me about this post is how honest it is - so much so that it brings out my own, internal confessions as I read. Perhaps it will bring up some truth for you, too (if you choose to read it): http://www.beautyredefined.net/to-the-mom-who-taught-me-everything-a-body-image-breakthrough/.

I will highlight one part of the post: at one moment the author puts aside resentment of her mother, realizing that they are part of the same cycle of shame and that neither of them are to blame (rhyme unintentional, but appropriately poetic).

Lastly, I was Skyping with a friend tonight and we were complaining about the pressure of being in our early twenties: everything feels so immediate, like every decision we make and every ambition we choose to follow will set the destiny for our entire lives. We fail now, we fail forever; we succeed, and we are set for life.

I brought up a tool that I use to increase my positive body image - recognizing Cognitive Distortions. Cognitive Distortions, or Distorted Thinking are the patterns that we humans tend to fall into that move our thoughts away from logic and into emotional danger. Apparently, according to wikipedia, "exaggerated or irrational thought patterns that are believed to perpetuate the effects of psychopathological states, especially depression and anxiety."

I believe these are thoughts that we all have. Examples include (adapted from the Wikipedia article):

All-or-nothing thinking: seeing things in black or white as opposed to shades of gray; usually using terms like "always", "every" or "never" when this is not true. Example: A dieter sees eating a bite of ice cream as a total failure that ruined his or her entire diet.

Overgeneralization: Making hasty generalizations from insufficient experiences and evidence. Example: A person is lonely and often spends most of her time at home. Her friends sometimes ask her to come out for dinner and meet new people. She feels it is useless to try to meet people. No one really could like her.

Disqualifying the positive: Positive events are discounted, leaving feelings of inadequacy. Example: Even when a person does a good job, they deny their success and say it wasn't that good or impressive.

Magnification and minimization: Giving proportionally greater weight to a perceived failure, weakness or threat, or lesser weight to a perceived success, strength or opportunity, (so that the weight falls toward the side of failure instead of success).

Emotional reasoning: Presuming that negative feelings expose the true nature of things, and experiencing reality as a reflection of emotionally linked thoughts. Example: "I feel/think that I am boring, therefore I must be." Or, feeling that fear of flying in planes means planes are a very dangerous way to travel. Or, concluding that it's hopeless to clean one's house due to being overwhelmed by the prospect of cleaning.

Should statements: Patterns of moral reasoning based on what a person morally should or ought to do. Example: After a performance, a pianist feels he or she should not have made so many mistakes. Or, while waiting for an appointment, thinking that the service provider should be on time, and feeling bitter and resentful as a result.

Labeling and mislabeling: A more severe type of overgeneralization; attaching an irrational label, turning a person into nothing more than their actions. Example: Instead of believing that you made a mistake, you believe that you are a loser. Or, someone who made a bad first impression is a "jerk".

And, trust me, there are plenty more. I don't point these out to tell you how paranoid you are; we all fall prey to these cognitive distortions, they are nearly impossible to avoid. I tell you because the first step to overcoming is awareness. And every time I revisit the types of cognitive distortions, I find myself catching my own distorted thoughts and, slowly but surely, returning to more reasonable interpretations of the situation before me.

Whether it be eating healthily, starting a career, or making new friends, cognitive distortions are bound to pop up. And catching them becomes a (surprisingly fun!) exercise that only leads to healthier, happier thinking.

Wow, I sound like a self-help book. I promise I am not advertising any cure-alls or must-dos; take it or leave it, I will not be insulted!

But, as always, if you find a nugget of inspiration from any of these links - let me know! Let's dialogue.

With love, compassion, and a crick in my neck,

Gabriella

They Say I Have a Disease

2013-06-20T19:15:00.001-07:00

The first thing you should know: I am currently listening to the "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"(Taylor Swift) pandora station because the angry music feels right.

The second thing you should know: I let the water pot boil over and the bean patties burn in the oven.

The third thing you should know: The reason for this upset is that the American Medical Association has declared obesity an official, diagnosable disease.

What comes up for "Angry Face" on google.
Also the only joke I will likely make in this post.

Now, I am more forcefully opinionated on this issue than I usually care to be, but I have decided to let it out on here in the hope that some constructive conversation will come of it. (Though if you entirely disagree with everything I say, maybe give me a couple of days to cool off before letting me know.) Also, I may resort to dark and twisty colors for the highlights in this post to go with my mood.

I started my exploration of this breaking news on ABCnews, and while I'm sure other stations have things to say, too, I don't need to look any further. Here is one news video and article for you: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/american-medical-association-classifies-obesity-disease/story?id=19439304.

Obesity has been considered an epidemic for a couple of decades now. Only since yesterday has it been classified as a disease. To be honest, I'm incredibly nervous to try and explain why this is a major problem, because I've developed a vocabulary over these issues over the course of four years and I am afraid I won't do the explanations justice.

Nevertheless...here we go. I will try to do this in some sort of logical sequence:

An easy calculator that you can find online -
no consultation needed.

Obesity is determined by BMI - a measurement calculated using just a person's height and weight, with absolutely no consideration to body build, gender, ethnicity, fat versus muscle content, or any other factors for that matter. See Beauty Redefined's article on BMI to read about how it originated as a way to increase life insurance for overweight people and how (drumroll) "On June 16, 1998, the “average” woman was 5 feet, 4 inches tall and weighed 155 pounds. On June 17, a woman of that same height and weight became “overweight.” The requirement for “average” dropped 10 pounds to 145, and a person of the same height who weighed 175 pounds was considered “obese.”

The word obesity has incredibly negative associations with it even though it is calculated by this ridiculously imprecise formula. And now obesity will mean "diseased," too.

The main issues that I take with this are: 1. the negative body image implications, and 2. the ignorance around the real issues: our food industry, dieting industry, beauty industry, and all of the modern causes of sedentariness and stress (which is material for an entirely separate blogpost, I think)!

Let's start with issue 2. Obesity - rather, I'll use the term unhealthy weight gain, since that is what obesity is supposed to mean - does not exist in a void. First of all, "obesity" can be a natural part of someone's body composition (and yes, there are many "obese" people who have no health issues); but unhealthy weight gain is the result of so. many. different. things that are part of our USA environment. And most of it works together, unfortunately. One example of the cycle is the following: The beauty industry tells us we need to lose weight to be liked, we go on low calorie diets that permanently slow our metabolisms down, we can't maintain the low calories because we are nutritionally deprived, and then when we start eating normally again, our slower metabolism makes our body store fat more easily, making us gain more weight back every time we take the beauty industry's advice to cut out breakfast or drink smoothies for lunch. Rinse and repeat.

As for issue #1, let me lay out the following calculation: A person (note, either male or female) who is 5'6" needs to weigh between 115 and 155 to be a "healthy weight," while a person my height has to weigh (5'2") between 105 at 135. That's a mere 30 lb flexibility, and cannot possibly be true for all people. And yet anyone who is an outlier to these numbers will either be considered unhealthily skinny or unhealthily bulky. How can we be expected to treat our bodies with love and have the compassion to get and keep them healthy if we are constantly told that they are inadequate in one way or another?

Atlanta's Body Shaming Obesity Campaign

I want to bring this defense of the classifying of obesity:

“The AMA’s decision essentially makes diagnosis and treatment of obesity a physician’s professional obligation. As such, it should encourage primary care physicians to get over their discomfort about raising weight concerns with obese patients. Studies have found that more than half of obese patients have never been told by a medical professional they need to lose weight — a result not only of some doctors’ reluctance to offend but of their unwillingness to open a lengthy consultation for which they might not be reimbursed.” (LA Times)

I propose that no overweight person in this country needs a doctor to tell them to lose weight, when it is all we hear, all of the time, all around us. And does this statement take into account those "obese" people who haven't been told to lose weight because they are healthy?

Lastly, I want to mention a grave side effect (pun intended) of this new classification of obesity as disease. Last July (2012), the FDA approved Qsymia, a weight loss drug that was found to help obese people lose 10% of their weight. That is one tenth of themselves. Through a drug. Serious side effects include birth defects, increased heart rate, suicidal thoughts, loss of vision. Common side effects include numbness or tingling in the hands, arms, feet, or face (paraesthesia); dizziness; changes in the way foods taste or loss of taste (dysgeusia); trouble sleeping (insomnia); constipation; and dry mouth. It is not known if Qsymia changes your risk of heart problems or stroke or of death due to heart problems or stroke, if Qsymia is safe and effective when taken with other prescription, over-the-counter, or herbal weight loss products and if Qsymia is safe and effective in children under 18 years old.

Through my class this past semester on mental health and illness, I have become all too enlightened on the role of pharmaceutical companies on what we consider illness and disease. Drug companies need diseases to cure in order to sell their products. How many physicians are going to be compelled to prescribe Qsymia and the dozens of new products that are bound to come out for their patients without holistically viewing all of the influences on that individual's lifestyle and weight gain? Will someone try to prescribe it to me because I am technically obese?

I would keep talking, I really would. But I want to maintain the chances of you actually reading to the bottom of this post. I hope I explained some of these issues adequately. As always, feel free to comment with questions or ideas.

With angst, frustration, and a sigh of release,

Gabriella

My New York Bodylife

2013-06-08T20:14:00.001-07:00

Hello dear readers,

I was too busy making sense of this ridiculous map
to think about trivial issues like my body.

It has been a whirlwind of a week. It has been exciting and exhausting and definitely not a walk in the park (though I have done that, too).

My biggest struggle right now is finding time for everything that is vital to me. That would be work, Louis, friend time, thesis research, body image research/nutrition, and taking care of my body, mind, and soul. I'm also a big fan of doing absolutely nothing whenever time allows.

All week I've been worried that I haven't been doing enough new exploration of my body and health and that I haven't been prioritizing enough. But now that I've sat down to write this, I am realizing that that is entirely untrue.

Here is what I've been up to health wise:

I have been walking to and from the subway every day to get to work.
I have been walking to and from lunches and dinners out.
I have been prioritizing protein, fruit, and vegetables and almost subconsciously avoiding over-produced foods.
I have been slowly adjusting my sleep schedule and having caffeinated tea only as necessary.
I have stocked my kitchen with foods that will make me feel good and energized.

Okay my lox doesn't look this good, but it works.
Maybe next I'll do a mindful food-beautifying project!

I am also definitely in a trial period with different proteins and how they make my body feel. I'm trying out smoked salmon and lox, grape nuts cereal, hummus and veggies, greek yogurt, eggs, tuna, cottage cheese and others. When I have some more data to report back, perhaps I'll post about the different energies these different foods give me. I also found a vendor who sells fruit outside of my workplace and I have taken to buying different fruits from him to munch on while I intern my butt off (he sold me the MOST delicious cherries ever the other day).

So I've been doing my due-health-diligence, have I not? Just because I haven't been PREOCCUPIED with my body doesn't mean that I haven't been taking care of it. In fact, maybe I am headed towards a place where my body image and body health won't have to overtake my life in order for me to overcome it. If it did overtake my life, that wouldn't be much of a victory, would it?

I don't have much more of an update for today (you'd think that after a week of not writing I'd have a whole megillah for you). But I will tell you about one experiment I just conducted:

DANCING NAKED!

I have my own apartment now. I can dance with no clothes on. So as soon as it got dark out tonight I put on some mood lighting in our living room/kitchen/bike storage area, plugged in Louis' new subwoofer/speaker set, stripped down and started shakin' it to my plethora of Pandora stations (tonight's favorites were Classic Rock Power WorkOut station, Halo by Beyonce station, and Dance Cardio Radio).

Tell me that doesn't look liberating.

I thought it would be nice (and experimental) to move my body with a joy and acceptance of all parts of it without any part being hidden or restricted. And...it was great! I thought I would feel too exposed or clumsy, but instead I felt incredibly alive and sexy. My body moves in wondrous ways and it was thrilling to let it do its thing without inhibition of any kind. I highly recommend it. And turn up the beats so your internal rhythm finds its way out onto the "dance floor" of your kitchen or bedroom or whatever it may be.

That's all I have for now! Check in later this week for more New York Body-Life updates.

With love, lox, and an appreciation for air conditioning,

Gabriella

I Thought Wrong

2013-05-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't think wrong, but I am thinking differently now. Since returning from Kripalu, I've had some discoveries that conflict with my previous conclusions. This reinforces that the self-discovery journey is really never ending, as much as one wants to reach the end. I imagine when I am 73 I will still be learning things from grandchildren that will spin my ideals on their heads!

After self-diagnosing my amino acid deficiencies using the guide in The Diet Cure, I went to Village Vitality in West Hartford Center to get some wholesome supplements that might help balance my digestive and hormonal systems as well as give me a more steady stream of energy on a regular basis. I met with a very helpful consultant who informed me after a lengthy discussion that if I took the supplemental doses of amino acids on top of a healthy diet containing sufficient protein that I would be peeing almost all of the supplements out. This was a disappointment. Mostly because it seemed like a large oversight for The Diet Cure not to mention. Granted, I have yet to read the book cover to cover, so I may have easily missed something. Either way, I settled for a whole foods, vegetarian multi-vitamin and a resolution to focus on getting enough protein and vegetables.

This was me after the store.

Before I explain the mechanics of the protein and vegetable necessity, I want to share how ridiculously emotional I got after this trip to the vitamin store. I felt like this glimmer of excitement and hope that I was learning from my readings on amino acids had misled me into almost spending crazy amounts of money. After taking a nice, calming bath, I realized the real reason I was upset: I was looking for a cure. Sure, I went on in my last blog post about how I was just playing! Just experimenting! And part of me was. But part of me was hoping to take a couple of pills and never have cravings ever again. I was going to be perfect - a goal I have to constantly be reining in. So I did just that, and I recognized that I have still gained a lot of inspiration over the past week, and things are changing!!

One of these changes is that I am tuning into the blood sugar cycles of my body and the affects of food on those cycles. Here is solid information I can pass on from my readings:

1. Our body's energy comes from glucose ie. blood sugar that is processed from sugars we ingest.
2. However, when we eat refined sugar (from sweet drinks, juices, candy, and highly processed carbs, etc.), the sugar turns to glucose immediately, IN OUR MOUTHS! And it's too much for our bodies. So our insulin rushes in to absorb the sugar ASAP and turn it into fat.
3. When that happens, the glucose is swept away and we're left with LOW blood sugar (hence the sugar rush and sugar low). (Additionally, if this happens too often, we exhaust our insulin system and that's when diabetes develops.)
4. When we have low blood sugar, our adrenaline rushes in to save us from crashing into a low-blood-sugar coma and keeping us running. When this happens too often, our adrenal glands are exhausted and we can't cope with day-to-day stress as well anymore.

So, that's the sad version.

The happy version is when you eat unrefined sugar that is found in vegetables and fruit! These turn into glucose slowly and steadily in our body and keep us running without crashing and exhausting our insulin or adrenaline.

On top of this, I mentioned last time that protein is our only source of amino acids which allow for all of the good neurotransmitting of those happy chemicals in our brains!

Really good stuff, huh? Anyway, I'm not preaching that you should only eat proteins and vegetables, in fact, I am nowhere near to doing that. BUT I am suddenly aware of those ups and downs in my energy caused by refined sugar and I am finding myself attracted more and more to proteins. Speaking of which, I'm looking for simple proteins to prepare easily on a regular basis. Got any ideas? So far, I'm going to invest in cottage cheese, greek yogurt, cream cheese, and lox for breakfast and salmon and other fish, hummus, and rice+beans for lunch and dinner. Louis and I will be keeping a dairy kitchen this summer, so meat will have to be had at restaurants, whenever possible.

Now that I've shared these new developments, I wanted to update my How I am Going to Do This from my first post based on my new knowledge.

How I am Going to Do This (draft 2!):

~Repeat my mantra when I wake up and go to sleep (and whenever else I need). "I forgive myself for being human." In other words, no judging!

~Move every day for 15 minutes and 3 of those times for 30 minutes.

~Continue physical therapy to heal my lower back and strengthen my core.

~Take note of energy levels and ingest food that suits those needs.
~Eat as much fresh, unprocessed food as possible.
~Allow for little rebellions in other places! Save my willpower! Play!
~Play with the ups and downs of life. Repeat: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.

As usual, please leave comments and thoughts - it's been so meaningful to me to have such support. Speaking of which, we have over 800 views today! I feel absolutely blessed. If you want email notifications when I post, don't forget to subscribe!

I am moving to New York on Sunday, but I still plan on posting when I can!

With love and steady blood sugar,

Gabriella

p.s. If anyone ever has thoughts (or even better, relevant pictures) that they want to me to post or things you want my opinion on, comment and I'll get right on it!

Divine Play and Amino Acids

2013-05-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

Hello from Kripalu Yoga Retreat Center! My, just three days here and I have been on an entire self-actualizing journey. I must catch you up!

I'll begin by sharing my one take-away from this time at Kripalu. And that is the Divine Play that is life. I was taught this yesterday during a workshop on the original Hindu concept, called Lila. Here is a Wikipedia explanation similar to what was told to me (translate Brahman as God):

Brahman is full of all perfections. And to say that Brahman has some purpose in creating the world will mean that it wants to attain through the process of creation something which it has not. And that is impossible. Hence, there can be no purpose of Brahman in creating the world. The world is a mere spontaneous creation of Brahman. It is a Lila, or sport, of Brahman. It is created out of Bliss, by Bliss and for Bliss.
—Ram Shanker Misra, The Integral Advaitism of Sri Aurobindo

An appropriately playful doodle.

Was that gibberish? I hope not. What it means is that God is perfect and therefore would only create the world for the sake of play, otherwise that would mean that God needed something from the world, which God could not if God is perfect. Names of god and interpretations of god aside, let me explain the message I, personally, am taking away from this concept of using the world for Bliss. The world is the world is the world. And life is life is life. We are who we are and we will experience what we experience. This does not mean we should be passive, without any hope of improving the world, our lives, or our spirit. BUT why not experience all of these ups and downs as the Play of Life? Play, not necessarily meaning joyful, or even playful in the usual use of the word. But play as in experience, as in optimism, as in fluidity, flexibility, and connection to the earth and to self. Going through the waves of life with ease instead of resistance. And I recognize, suddenly, that most of my "issues" are results of my resistance to life and all it has to offer. Why not play, instead?

There is no end of the journey to personal happiness and enlightenment, so instead of waiting for it to end, enjoy the ride! Explore! Play! (It's okay if the word play is starting to sound funny in your head.) Even body image and food issues can be play if I just take myself a little less seriously. This has been hard since, until I had this thought, I had been searching for THE answer during my time at Kripalu. The cure-all that would help me figure out what step to take next.

But a cure-all doesn't exist and never will. And if I can let go of that idea, then I will have more room for play in these sometimes tense moments. Funny enough, as is the way of these things, the second I stopped looking for a panacea, I found inspiration!

It is....drumroll....another book! The Diet Cure is it's name and amino acids are its game. By that I mean, it focuses on the essential amino acids we need for chemical balance (of serotonin, endorphins, adrenaline, melatonin and all those good things) and helps one self-diagnose which amino acids one might be deficient in. And now that I'm googling this stuff, it looks that it's widely accepted knowledge! We are always told about our chemical deficiencies that cause depression, anxiety, etc. but we are never taught about how our INTAKE (ie. food) provides the proteins/amino acids that make the bindings of those chemicals possible (or impossible, as the case may be)! Such food for thought.

Apparently, amino acids are also a quite popular soy sauce substitute.
Guess what yoga retreat center has some on every table?

Now, I am not looking for a "cure" like the book offers; I kicked diets years ago and, like I said, I don't believe there is a complete lifetime solution for me, and possibly not for anyone. It does not surprise me that this how-to book is packaged to sell, like most are. I also find the language of the book incongruent with some of my positive body-image beliefs, such as not focusing on one's weight. But I am taken by the scientific research done by Julia Ross, the clinician who wrote the book and the (overly emphasized) success stories she has on file. So I'm going to try out this amino acid supplement thing and I'll keep you updated about whether or not I feel any different (though it takes a couple of weeks of supplement planning, so don't expect news too soon)! If it is a cure-all, I will shout Halleluyah and dance in the streets, but for now, I'm just tryin' to play and see what comes of it!

Another little piece of inspiration came from a Lovingkindness Meditation that Louis and I attended on our first night here. In this meditation, you give blessings to benefactors, loved ones, friends, neutral acquaintances and even people you can't stand, ending with blessings for all human beings. During the beginning lecture session, the instructor, Bhavani, explained one purpose of meditation and that is to let go of suffering. "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice." I thought that was just the most empowering statement I had ever heard. And I connect that intimately to the concept of living life as Divine Play.

And now I have a question for you, as I explore the possibilities of play in my own life. Are there ways for all of the pictures below to be a part of play? (The first few may go without saying for some people.) Does it change the way you look at the pictures to imagine that there a might be a joy in going through all of the facets of life? Even the seemingly mundane, difficult, or even impossible parts?

The facets of Divine Play:

What do you think?

With Zen and Yoga Dances,

Gabriella

The Number on the Scale

2013-05-24T09:04:00.002-07:00

This week I have been hyper-aware of my body. Not just because I am writing about it to all of you, but because I am in the middle of a move from Waltham, MA to New York City! For four days I've been sorting clothes, packing boxes, lugging boxes, unloading and reorganizing just so that I could drive the four hour round trip to the city to dump my belongings in my summer apartment. And I am so exhausted. My body is depleted.

This is what my life consists of right now.
Kripalu couldn't come any sooner.

I have not been entirely happy with my body this week, and I'm not so sure it's been thrilled with me. I got the feeling that it wanted me to slow down, and yet, time just would not allow for that. I was also not enjoying the feeling of my body and how it rolls up when I bend down to pick up a box or how it aches from just one trip up and down the stairs or how it sweats down my back because it's humid out. (Writing this, I am reminded to say to myself, "I forgive myself for being human. I forgive myself for being human.")

And finally, I chose to weigh myself yesterday morning so that I could be conscious of my body's reactions to my new healthy-lifestyle agenda. And, lo and behold...I gained weight. And I suddenly had a rush of thoughts

What am I doing wrong?
What do I do now?
I can't diet!
How am I going to balance all of my healthy habits and still lose weight?
Do I actually need to lose weight or am I just freaking out?
Why does this have to be so hard for me?
It must have been all of those fruit roll ups? Should I never eat candy again?

I asked myself whether or not I would share My Number on this blog. It was quite the internal debate (and still is). Now why would that be such an intimate thing to share? I seem to be going the full-disclosure route, so why not fess up?

And I realized that that is the problem! That it feels like something I need to confess! When I weighed myself, I automatically thought, "This is not a number that girls should weigh. I will be judged for this number."

I found this picture on About-Face.org's gallery of winners. It's from Glamour's June 2012 issue, discussing the stereotypes placed on women of ALL sizes. I find it fascinating and genuine and shocking. And yesterday, I allowed myself to see my reflection from this negative, stereotypical point of view - as if ANYONE I love or care about will see that in me because of the five lbs I gained during this transitory time. ("I forgive myself for being human.")

So what do I do next? It's clear that I need a plan - if only just to feel like I am heading toward some of my goals (posted in my first blog post).

Sitting on the bathroom floor, listening to the shower run (which I do when I am in distress - water sounds have calmed me since I was a baby), I talked it over with Louis. I felt like it was time for a food plan. If I am indeed taking care of my body, moving it as often as possible, and treating it with respect (most of the time), then what is missing is making sure my intake (ie. food) is as beneficial to me as possible. But food rules scare me the same way exercise has scared me - it reminds me of a restrictive time that I never want to return to. And yet, if I just play it by ear I tend to be less mindful.

The more homemade-looking, the better.

EUREKA! Mindfulness. That is the key, isn't it? It has always been the key. With Louis' help, I decided that for now I will focus on eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm satisfied (mindfulness) AND on consuming as little over-processed foods as possible. This second part is new, but I feel very strongly about it; super-processed foods (like fruit roll ups, oreos, veggie patties, certain cereals) tend to make me feel sluggish, unenergized, and all around munchy. The plan is to experiment with simpler foods (i.e.. fruit, veggies, hummus, yogurt) and to try to make some things on my own! Black bean burger recipes, here I come!

And now I am about to depart for Kripalu. What a way to start off the experiment. Truthfully, all I want is to have the answers in my hands and to just do it, Nike style. I wish I could write out all of the wisdom for you lovely readers, follow my own advice, and get to where I need to be. But it's just not that simple - my body, mind, and soul all have different needs to be nourished and I am still at the beginning.

I can't wait to bring more tools home from Kripalu and to share them with all of you. Thank you for your love and support. Come back soon! Who knows what will unfold?

With hope, excitement, and Namastes,

Gabriella

Challenging My Negative Thoughts

2013-05-21T10:32:00.001-07:00

It's exhausting, really, how often I am trying to deconstruct my own psyche. I am constantly learning about myself and trying to reshape my understandings of the world. Most of this comes from WAY too much over thinking, obsession, and circuitous logic which at times has led me to some wonderful prescription medications that make me feel much more like my self and less like a computer in overdrive.

Just a fraction of these self-reflections are constructive or even enlightened. Reading some wonderful, introspective books is one way that I am learning to monitor my progress...and the book du jour is Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall. Let me share some of my new inspiration:

"One of the most powerful things you can do to challenge negative thoughts and behaviors is to test them out. You'll learn whether or not the assumptions that you're organizing your life around are based in reality or just in your mind."

Sound familiar? It's like Kjerstin read my mind. Sometimes it feels like all I'm doing is creating a protective glass bubble around myself based on thoughts and ideas that COME FROM NOWHERE! Or that come from inside me, rather. But maybe, like Kjerstin, I could slowly adjust these ideas if it is important to me. For example, my fear of attempting an Exercise Routine (dun dun dunnn). Exercise Routines have at times dominated my daily schedules, sometimes pushing me to exhaustion that I could not recover from. Exercise is tied up with dietary restriction and unhealthy habits in my mind. So today I am scared to try to exercise.

This picture scares me for a lot of reasons.

I attended a Drama Therapy Practice Group and decided to challenge this assumption in what's called a psychodrama (ask me for a definition of this if you're curious). Through this activity I discovered that my fear of exercise comes from a fear of failure to be perfect at it. Failure to keep going for 40 minutes, failure to enjoy it every minute, failure to burn enough calories. A fear of failure to move in all of the ultra-flexible ways that I want my body to move. In other words - a fear of being human. This is where my mantra came from.

This was step one to getting un-scared of exercise. Step 2. Stop calling it exercise. I just HATE that word. It torments me. I have decided that all I really need to do is MOVE. I just need to move my body. It doesn't matter how. And, god, that feels so much better.

Yay for challenging a negative assumption! So what's next?

Food. Food is next. And food is the scariest because I have worked long and hard for three years to love food again in a healthy way and to enjoy it instead of merely keeping track of it. I don't want that to change; I really don't. So I'm moving slowly. And, like I mentioned in my last post, maybe Kripalu will have some inspiration for me while I'm there this weekend.

Meanwhile, I found a crazy cool "poem" from Kjerstin's blog page that I just had to share, because it resonates so strongly for me. While you're reading it, think about how often you are told just the opposite - that food is something you have to be in control of all the time, with no ups and downs whatsoever. And to that I say: BS! There is no such thing as total control. And the more we try to have it, the more we end up scrambling as we lose our grasp.

What is Normal Eating? by Ellyn Satter

Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied.

It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it -not just stop eating because you think you should.

Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food.

Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good.

Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way.

It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful.

Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable.

And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more.

Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating.

Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

My favorite line is the cookie line. So so true. My second favorite line is "trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating." When I would restrict my eating heavily, if I tripped up at all, I would automatically feel like I would be fat forever (that is old me vocabulary, by the way...I don't use the word fat anymore). There was no going back and I hated my body so how could I trust it? Anyway, reading this poem made me feel like there are other people out there (of course there are!) fighting for a balanced relationship with food that isn't all about control.

I am so looking forward to challenging more food-and-body-related assumptions and I hope you will be inspired to challenge some of your own! I am reminded of a motto from a wonderful organization/website called Beauty Redefined. It is:

I believe this applies to any and all body health and awareness. If something hurts, makes you sad, or down on yourself...then that is just not the way to do it. So I challenge you to ask yourself if any of your health routines hurt your mind, body, or soul. Challenge your assumption and see what inspiration shines through when you do!

I have so much more to say. I may have to continue posting daily just for a week or so so that I can catch up on my thoughts. I do hope you'll continue reading - or at least jump back in in a week or so after some of the rants are done.

With virtual hugs and sun salutations,

Gabriella

Loving My Body...step 104

2013-05-20T17:49:00.002-07:00

Hello dear readers,

Welcome to my first Body Love for Life blogpost. Right away I should say that this is not an advertisement for a program that promises body love for life. This is about my individual journey and I would not dare suggest that my process is the same as anyone else's. BUT, if you should find support here that will help you on your own way, please do follow and enjoy the virtual hug.

This is a very exciting time. I am inspired!! How often does that happen? So I don't want to spend too much time talking about my past because I want to tell you all of the exciting things that my future may have in store! But I will summarize (as much as possible), my body love story. Keep in mind that almost every aspect of my life interacts with my physical being and perception of self, so I can't possibly include it all.

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I'll begin in 7th grade when I went on my first diet. I think it was WeightWatchers but without the points system. Almost WeightWatchers, my mom and I called it. Which I went on and off from from age 11 to age 17. The reasons for these diets are all of the usual ones - peer pressure, family pressure, media pressure. I never really succeeded in getting to my Ideal Weight, I was always technically just a bit above the line. Until my gap year before college when I exercised for 40-90 minutes a day, skipped lunch, counted calories to the decimal, and lost the twenty pounds that had been bugging me for the past seven years of my young life.

When I returned home from a somewhat miserable year in Israel (which is another story for another time), I was prepared to lose those last 5-8 lbs that kept me from my Ideal Weight. Instead, I began binging. Having left my program early, I had just realized that I couldn't be a perfect person. So I lost all of the control I had desperately been holding on to. And only after gaining back all of the weight I had lost did I realize how scarily I had been acting during my gap year. How skewed my relationship with my body was. How badly I treated it and how much I blamed it for all of my problems.

Come freshman year of college and I had joined group therapy for girls with eating disorders and was doing individual therapy with a specialist, too. I began to recognize disordered eating habits and distorted thinking patterns and I hadn't experienced a real, uncontrollable binge since the summer. I read an incredible book called Eating in the Light of the Moon...it told me that I was a smart, beautiful girl, who communicated through disordered eating when others couldn't understand me. These were vital first steps.

Next, I went to a retreat at Kripalu Yoga Center called Integrative Weight Loss, which was much less about weight loss than it was about WHY we find ourselves tortured by weight and why we turn to food and how to make those habits healthier. The mindfulness I learned there has sent me back to Kripalu again and again to glean more wisdom about my mind, body, and soul.

As a sophomore I became inspired by a theatre class to create a project called Silhouette Theatre - a company that would use theatre workshops to inspire positive body image and combat negative media. What a thrill that was! I still hope to create a real Silhouette Theatre in the future.

Finally, it's been 3 years of attempted mindfulness and self awareness and I struggle daily to maintain a balance between health and love. I am just not there yet!! And now I am engaged, preparing myself to start a life with my beautiful fiancé, Louis, and I just cannot stop now. I am determined to continue to learn more tools and to take this next step, the 104th, I believe, on my Body Love journey.

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So that's a little bit of my story. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't. But we all have minds and we all have bodies and we all need to find whatever way possible to help them get along and support us in our daily and lifelong tasks.

And just a couple of weeks ago, I found this book that seemed to relate to EXACTLY what I'm worrying about now: How to become healthier without obsessing over being thin on my wedding day? How to challenge myself without scaring myself into a corner?

Mirror, Mirror off the Wall by Kjerstin Gruys (don't ask me how to pronounce either part of her name) is about a positive body image PROFESSOR who gets engaged and can't stop worrying about how she will look on her wedding day. So she swears off mirrors and reflective surfaces for the ENTIRE YEAR....including....her. wedding. day. She's that crazy. I would explain more of it, but I'm still in the middle of the book, so I'm going to include inspiration as I go.

Here are some things I have loved so far:

Willpower is a limited physiological resource!!!!! What?? Yes. It uses up glucose from the body. So if you're going to make a big life change, nourish your willpower, make it as easy on yourself as possible, and don't take on too much!

This is from Kjerstin's blog that she kept while she completed her challenge:
http://www.ayearwithoutmirrors.com

How am I going to do this? Well, I figure if I'm working on healthy body stuff, this wouldn't be the year to perfect my social life. Done.

And if I have to save my willpower, then I should allow myself to rebel in small ways that I've never allowed myself before (because I was too busy using my willpower for them): text at work! sing on the sidewalk! wear scandalous clothing! lie in bed for more hours than I should and watch tv! See? Things like that. Can you tell that I'm excited about this part?

Another thing I loved was the idea that I shouldn't feel guilty for having farther still to go and more to learn. I thought I was done and that I had all of the tools I needed. But it's still too hard. And more tools and inspiration will make my lifetime goals MORE achievable, not less.

Here are some great Kjerstin rules:

-Challenge your assumptions about yourself! (For me, this means losing my fear of my potential to relapse into disordered eating and taking a chance at healthier habits!)

-Good enough is good enough (AMEN)!

-Focus on healthy behaviors, not the number on the scale (yes, yes, yes, and hell yes).

-Look to your role models (of which I am lucky to have many)

-Ask for help and be willing to receive it. (This is a hard one for me.)

-Sanity comes first! (refer to the amen above)

and without further ado, inspired by Kjerstin's tendency to power through...

Here is What I Want:

-To eat food that nourishes me in all of the healthy-feeling ways.

-To move often enough that my body feels mobile and capable.

-To learn new ways to accomplish these and make it easy for myself.

-To slowly lose weight in a healthy manner so pressure eases off of my limbs and muscles.

-To feel supported by myself and others along the way.

-To lose my fear of myself; to teach myself that there is room to change habits without relapsing.

How I am Going to Do This (draft 1):

--Repeat my mantra when I wake up and go to sleep (and whenever else I need). This is a sentence I created through a dramatherapy session in which I explored my fear of trying to start exercising. It is..."I forgive myself for the things that make me human." (Or "I forgive myself for being human"...depending on my mood.)

--Move every day for 15 minutes and 3 of those times for 30 minutes.

--Go to physical therapy to heal my lower back and strengthen my core.

--Allow for little rebellions in other places! Saving my willpower!

As for food...I haven't figured that out yet. I am going to Kripalu this weekend with my fiancé (for his first time there!) and I am incredibly excited to make some more decisions there.

This is my plan. I wanted to let you know. I hope you find it interesting and fun, because I am finding it interesting and fun to share it with you. Please do leave any comments and follow me along my way as I find my Body Love for Life!

With love, warmth, and excitement,

Gabriella