un bébé

My (Really Tired) Self Awareness Onion

2026-06-01T11:14:29.965+08:00

I need to put my menstrual cycle back into my calendar. I’ve been feeling so lethargic for the past few days. It has been so hard for me to wake up in the morning. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m getting my period, but this feels a bit too much, really.

We went out for a breakfast date last Friday as a pick-me-up. I thought getting out and about would do the trick. We also had a look around at KipMall Bangi because I had never been there before while getting some groceries. It was around 12.30pm when my husband dropped me off at home because he needed to go for Jumaat prayer. We had a heavy breakfast, so I thought I’d chill for a bit before getting lunch started, but I ended up falling asleep and didn’t even realize my husband had come back. He had to wake me up to check on me because it was weird that I had been asleep for so long. I woke up feeling so groggy too.

I even took a long nap yesterday evening after lunch. We also had swimming class for the kids in the morning. I thought it was only an hour, but it was actually almost four hours. The most amazing thing is that I didn’t even realize my husband had woken up (I made him nap with me), and he even had to wake me up twice. The second time was really only needed because I hadn’t done my Asar prayer yet.

Ok, enough about my tiredness. I need to get on with a little self-project to reflect on the books I’m reading. I did one about Tentang Pilihan before. I didn’t finish that book yet, but I’m also reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck. There’s a topic that I would like to reflect further on, which is The Self-Awareness Onion.

The self-awareness onion is like that 5 Whys stuff, but more focused on your emotions and values, and maybe even beyond that. I guess if you focus your 5 Whys beyond the emotional level, then you’d probably get similar results.

I’ll go with this layering summed up by ChatGPT:

Outer layer → situation/thoughts
Middle layer → emotions/reactions
Deeper layer → assumptions/values
Core → identity/fear/ego

ChatGPT also suggested some points for reflection, and I decided to do this self-awareness practice on two things that have been bugging me for the longest time:

Productivity and Rest
Phone Scrolling and Escapism

Productivity and Rest – What kind of situations make me feel behind even though I have done enough?

I always feel like all my time has to be used productively. It’s a bit unfair though because I still need rest after working the whole day. For example, if I have a noon shift, then my morning will be free. I feel like I need to use that time to do productive things. If I don’t, I realize my mood for the day gets dragged down too. But then, if I worked a noon shift the day before, of course I’ll still be tired.

I start to feel restless and anxious — like I need to be using this time productively, just keep going. Sometimes I need to be on the phone to do these “tasks” and end up getting distracted by social media. Then I start counting how much time I’ve wasted that should’ve been spent elsewhere. I even have a list of things I can do stuck on the wall in my bedroom to remind me. Sometimes I actually do all of it and still don’t feel fulfilled or satisfied.

Now that we’re on this topic, I realized that I feel a lot better if I go to the gym. I can cook, be out and about, and generally feel more functional. The opposite happens when I don’t go to the gym. No matter what book I read or what chores I’ve done, the satisfaction I get from going to the gym somehow feels better. Funnily enough, my list of things to do doesn’t even include the gym. I simply thought those were the things to do if I didn’t go to the gym.

I’ve also gained more weight this past year, and now I’ve started to dissociate a bit from how I look. You know how sometimes you still feel like yourself with just a bit of extra weight? But now I’ve gained almost 20kg, and I’m having this epiphany that I am really, actually, fat. So probably this has been weighing on my mind more than I realized, and going to the gym makes me feel good because of that. Or maybe it’s simply the exercise and all those happy hormones etc etc etc.

So if we’re focusing on feeling “enough,” then my solution should be going to the gym, right? At least by being active, I’ll probably stop having this brain fog and can actually be productive, thus not feeling so guilty when resting.

If we go deeper I need to understand why am I afraid of not being productive. Well mostly I guess that I'm not doing enough to provide myself well when I'm old. I don't think I really care about comparing myself to others. If anything, I'm comparing if I'm not preparing enough. I don't really plan well in life. Just go with the flow. So if I don't do something productive I'm afraid I will let myself be comfortable and then really, really, not doing and let my life just passes. Then when I'm old, I'll be in dead trouble.

Ok, I’m not sure if I’m on the right track, but let’s peel more onions on the next topic.

Phone Scrolling and Escapism – Stopping the Doom Scrolling

I guess this part is pretty much related to the first one, but I want to address that addicting feeling that comes from doom scrolling. I usually do this when I want an escape. Usually after a tiring day, either physically or mentally. I just want to switch off my brain and go into nothingness wonderland.

It also makes me feel even more unproductive. I want to be able to switch to other things to entertain myself — reading, watching Netflix, cooking, doing chores, even the gym — but I still end up having the urge to doom scroll after. Especially after work, even though it’s already late.

I even feel like I can reward myself with doom scrolling after doing those other productive things, which were supposed to help me stop doom scrolling in the first place. This feels endless.

My guess for now is that it’s just addiction. There’s this dopamine detox stuff. I probably need that.

Hmmm, penatlah kupas bawang niii.

Learning to Improve Life

2026-05-15T10:00:05.662+08:00

I'm feeling sick. It's not full blown cold but I'm just not feeling my best. This is the most annoying really. I don't really want to do much. I keep on scrolling on my phone and when I want to watch something on Netflix, I just got distracted. I'm now watching Marie Kondo's show and somehow I can enjoy them Then I remember that I didn't really allow myself to rest when I actually needs to. Does this show make me feel productive thus I'm able to watch it?

I need to learn this resting thing more. I find that I'm able to do these more abstract things and even more straightforward thing when I understand them better. Like how salicylic acid cleanser works and what is fluoridated toothpaste and waking up early. Yesterday I was reading this random article about why it was so hard to wake up early for Subuh and the approach told was a mix of modern affirmation stuff and it just triggers like this undersatnding in me.

I really need to learn all kinds of things. I love learning things that directly reflects my life. I feel like this is an important step of my life to "upgrade" it. It's not about I'm not in a good place. I just want to continue improving my life. I need to find more platform to learn and I found that there are many materials available for it. For instance, material like Marie Kondo book.

One of the best and least effort platform is Spotify's podcast. I also sign up for a journaling workshop. I think it's supposed to be about self discovery. I just want to go out and about and see what it has to offer. I need this cold to be fully healed tho or else I'm not going to be able to enjoy it.

I've been doing more focused things for work. I did waste a lot of time learning random things for it. Mostly parameters to monitor work more efficiently and also training materials. I feel so good able to learn these but I would love to be more intentional and structured about it.

My Instagram is showing ads of all these courses and I feel overwhelmed but I'll choose through and plan well. Apparently, according to ChatGPT, course about public is also good for self development even if I'm not going be using it for work. I do think free ones will not be doing it for me. I found one from Harith Iskander and it's more to promote their paid ones and it does seems like they are looking for talent too. It's not bad per se but it's not useful for me. I think I'll scroll through my social media to research more. I found one that provide health related content and it's free called SOL Integrative Wellness Centre. I'm not really sure if it is a training centre or is it a clinic. I think I'm going to do a list on this.

That's all from me today. I'm feeling a whole lot better now. I'm going to fold some clothes and I want to cook a really good lunch to work my appetite. I'm not sure what will work with my throat feel itchy but I need it to feel better.

If You Know, Then You Know.

2026-05-05T11:38:00.000+08:00

For future me, you didn’t post for two days straight—you just forgot to publish the last one. It was supposed to be posted on 1/5/2026. This one was also supposed to be published yesterday.

I am waiting excitedly for a new bag I bought for my tablet and keyboard. It has been so heavy hauling everything inside my handbag. I also bought a new book for journaling, and I hope it will turn out good. I do wonder if I’m just made for online journaling—i.e., doing this, writing on my blog.

I had three days off. I went to my friend’s wedding, and I was so happy for her. Then I spent a night in my hometown. The last time I went home was last August. I even went to my parents’ grave. I don’t know why I don’t like going there. I didn’t feel really connected somehow. I feel a lot more connected when I’m praying for them after my solat.

Today was a little dizzying. I know I need to be doing a lot, but I just can’t remember or focus because there are little things that keep taking my attention. Mostly, it was my siblings, since we got together this weekend, so topics of next activities and repairs around the home were discussed. Also, we need to settle this pusaka thingy, which clashes with my dental appointment. My head is spinnniiinggggg.

Apart from that, I need to focus on my work. For now, I aim to quickly settle the material needed for onboarding. I need to liaise with people. I just want to be done with it quickly. I need to tweak these introductory slides—I had a good idea of what I needed to add into them, but of course I didn’t note it down, so now I forgot. I also need to follow up with zakat. Actually, I’ve been texting people while writing this because, of course, I just remembered.

There are certain SKUs we have issues with while doing invoices, which reminds me I need to prepare material about different inventory-related terms. I’m so confused about how to prevent these SKU issues. I really hate it when issues are system-wise, but no proper systematic approach is done to prevent them. It’s simply: if you know, then you know. If you don’t, then problems.

Okay, let’s work on it.

Career Talk

2026-05-04T17:31:00.000+08:00

I noticed a crack on my tablet today and almost let it get to me. Just as I was about to get annoyed, I remembered I have a tempered glass protector on—everything is fine. False alarm, folks. Today is still a good day.

We had a meeting between the pharmacists and headquarters today. I’m still a bit confused about what the official name for it is, but I know it’s intended to be a deep dive into sales planning, understanding the market, and improving our knowledge—covering both soft skills (like leadership and personality) and clinical expertise. This is only the second time we’ve held this session.

During the meeting, the topic of journaling came up. When I asked what I should actually write about, a new staff member from HQ explained her own process. It was nice to see someone share their perspective. Another person mentioned that journaling is about seeing the changes we’ve gone through in retrospect. Regardless, I’ve bought a new book for journaling and I plan to write every random thought inside it. Wish me luck!

Apart from that, I want to deep dive today into a topic from a book I’m reading called Tentang Pilihan. I was originally more interested in the author than the subject itself, but the concepts inside are very educational.

I want to try an exercise from the book where I tabulate my interests, skillsets, and related career paths. I couldn't quite think deeply enough on my own, so I prompted Gemini to help me discuss it in detail.

Here is how it looks:

Category	Your Attributes
Passions	Tabulating data, creating spreadsheets, administrative organization, and structured training/teaching.
Skillset (Kelebihan)	Corporate-level document design, inventory strategy, supplier relationship management, and high-impact sales training.
Working Style	Stern, straightforward, and efficiency-driven. You prefer high-impact "behind-the-scenes" influence over constant face-to-face retail interaction.
The "Sweet Spot"	You aren't just a pharmacist; you are a Pharmacy Operations Strategist.

AI always has a way to butter up a person because this sound too cool. But we'll take it! Then, I asked for suggestions on different career paths:

The Clinical Education Path

Clinical Training Manager (Corporate HQ)
Medical Science Liaison (MSL)
Technical / Product Trainer

The Operations & Systems Path (The Architect)

Pharmacy Operations Excellence Manager
Procurement & Category Manager
Quality Assurance (QA) / Regulatory Affairs Manager

The Hybrid / Leadership Path

Medical Education Lead (Pharma MNC)
Clinical Operations Lead (Health-Tech Startups)

I was wondering if this skillset—which feels like a newfound discovery—means I need to change my career. Looking back, I’ve always realized I had these predilections, but I initially dismissed them as just general "life skills" I happened to be good at. I have a natural knack for understanding systems, mastering SOPs, and creating the kind of corporate-level work that isn't typically taught in a retail setting.

It’s a far cry from why I originally chose retail pharmacy; back then, I didn't want to stay behind a desk and I loved the idea of constantly interacting with new people. But after years in the field, I’ve honed these analytical skills to fit the retail environment perfectly. At this point, I’ve realized I don’t actually mind moving away from constant customer interaction. While I still enjoy it, I prefer it not to be my sole purpose. I’ve found that I actually serve customers better when it's something I do "on the side" rather than my primary focus.

The next thing I need to focus on is building my portfolio around this direction. However, I realize it’s difficult to secure these positions because they are limited in number and usually require building from the bottom up within the same company.

Lastly, I know I would lose my passion if the company culture didn't align with my values. Which is precisely where most of the positions is available at. I’m not saying I’m letting race create a bias, but working in a Bumiputera-led environment aligns well with my spiritual needs, which ultimately helps me enjoy my work better.

For my own satisfaction—and to ensure I’m ready if the right door opens—I’ve decided to make the most of my current role at the startup. Startups are the perfect place to experiment, so I’m going to take every chance I get to build a solid portfolio. Gemini actually framed a sound strategy for this, and I’m going to start tracking these pillars:

Building the "Strategist" Portfolio

The "Killer" Materials: I’m going to start keeping copies of every training slide and manual I draft. These aren't just work tasks; they are my "design portfolio" that proves I can communicate complex ideas and structure information effectively.
The Data Wins: I need to start writing down the exact impact of my supplier and inventory decisions. Instead of just "managing" things, I want to show results—like how I created a procurement system that unified 5+ outlets and helped us hit sales targets for the first time.
The "Deep Dive" Success: I’ll use my specific clinical modules, like the kidney toxicity training, as case studies. It’s a perfect example of how I can translate high-level science into actionable knowledge that the staff can actually use.

Wow. This took a lot of my time today. We'll stop for now.

Getting Excited.

2026-04-27T23:01:00.001+08:00

I usually write on my tablet with a wireless keyboard, but it broke recently. At first I thought it just needed charging, so I kept putting off updating my blog for a few days—only to realize it was actually broken. I bought a new one, but somehow I still didn’t get around to writing.

Anyway, my last post was about feeling tired. That was on the 1st of April, and now the month is already ending. Not much happened, which feels like a shame—there’s no way a whole month should just pass by like that. That’s exactly why I wanted to start blogging and journaling in the first place.

I did go on a short three-day trip to Kuching with my in-laws and my husband’s sister’s family—nine of us in total. It was a simple trip, but we managed to do quite a lot. It’s been two weeks since then, and even though I had a proper break, I still feel so tired. On top of that, my shoulder has been sore, and I’ve been dealing with a nagging toothache that probably needs a root canal.

I really need to get back to the gym and be more disciplined about brushing my teeth before bed. Why do such small things feel so exhausting? Between trips, meet-ups, and low moods at work, I’ve also been overeating—especially snacks. Regular meals just feel bland lately, and I don’t have much appetite for them. It’s confusing, honestly, because I’m not even losing weight.

On a happier note, my friend is getting married this Saturday, and I’m really excited. After that, I’ll head back to Manjung for a night. I can’t even remember the last time I went home since my siblings usually come over or we travel together instead. I’m thinking of bringing the kids to visit my parents’ grave.

One of my staff is leaving earlier than expected. Honestly, I’m taking it as a blessing. Having a difficult teammate is draining. The rest of the team has called him out—sometimes directly, sometimes sarcastically—but he just doesn’t seem to care. At some point, it’s almost impressive.

I think this constant tiredness is making it harder for me to feel excited about things, or maybe even to be excited at all. Everything just feels a bit heavier and gloomier. So I’m trying to focus on the good.

I met up with my friends the week before Kuching—Alhamdulillah we’re still able to make time for each other. I also finally started planning a reunion with my degree friends. It’s been about nine or ten years since we graduated, which feels unreal. I really hope it comes together.

My husband bought me a simple ring with his initial, and for some reason, it made me happier than the expensive handbag he got me. I always thought I preferred practical gifts, but this one made my heart giddy. It’s nice discovering this side of myself through him. And today, he made naan bread with chicken curry for dinner—it was so good.

Lately, kakak has been opening up to me more, sharing things that feel quite personal, even if she says them casually. I don’t know if she fully understands how meaningful that is, but I’m grateful. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like a “good enough” mother figure, but I want her to know she can always count on me—that this is a safe space for her. It’s hard to explain that to a nine-year-old.

I also converted a series of lectures on akhlak into audio so I can listen while driving. I really enjoy learning about it in depth, but I struggle to sit down and focus at home. Listening in the car works better—even if I don’t catch everything, I can always replay it.

One day in mid-April, I went to IOI Putrajaya. I don’t usually enjoy malls, especially big ones, but having my husband drive helped. I mainly wanted to go to Nitori and Muji to get proper cleaning tools—I’ve had enough of the ones from Mr DIY and Shopee. I ended up spending around RM200 on brushes, a duster, and a mirror (the only non-cleaning item). Strangely, it felt so satisfying, and I actually enjoyed cleaning the toilet after. Even my younger self would have appreciated the quality.

I think I’ll stop here. My shoulder is starting to hurt from sitting and typing, and it’s so hot. Time to sleep—and yes, to brush my teeth first.

It doesn’t feel so bad now.

I'm So Tired

2026-04-01T08:45:00.000+08:00

I am so tired. So, I started to get more tired by the third week of Ramadhan. They say it's because of the lack of sleep and the low sugar finally catching up and crashing on our body. I got more morning shift at the end of Ramadhan so I can go to surau for teraweeh which helps a lot to keep my spirit up. Then come Eid. We went to my husband hometown in Lenggong and it was so hot. It made me feels so demotivated to do much. Then, I had to work during third and fourth of Eid. Afterwards, I get to cuti some more to spend time with my side of the family. We went to Cameron Highlands. We planned it well so it wasn't too crowded but I did get my period while I was there so I still got so tired. Now I'm back at work and literally counting the hours to my next off days eventho I have noon shift but I didn't sleep in. I just don't feel like it even tho I still feels so so tired.

It feels like forever being so damn tired. I'm just so tired being tired 😩 😩 😩 😩

I think I needed a good massage to get my body just let loose. Somehow, it feels like it still clings to staying up and about when I should be letting loose and relax.

I realize that my body is so tune to be that way because I used to work for almost three years like that. Always on the go, on the edge. This new job is way more relaxed. However, I feel like since I have more free time, I owe this "freedom" for more behind the scene efforts like more data analysis, more training and stuff and just doing whatever possible to stay moving. I just don't know when to stop. Even tho my mental load is a whole lot lighter now, I still be creating new ones either to fill this freedom or just in the name of living "the" life - ie I have more time now, let's read a lot or do more creative things or cook more.

I got into this realisation when I want to design my work planner. I feel like my old planner is not doing it anymore. So I go through my thought process in doing work and try to come out with ways so that I can adjust accordingly to be more relaxed. I want to be more present at work too even if it means to bersembang saja instead of having multiple tabs in my brain thinking/planning and lost track of what's in front of me. I also finds that it hinders me to think more strategically too.

So the mantra here is to live more relaxed but present. Doing things more intentionally. I know I'm able to do more of these now than I did before but I still didn't feel really connected to it. It just feels robotic instead of intentionally chosing this way so I'm living the kind if life that I want.

INTENTION.

I think this is what I lack the most. Need to start things with Nawaitu. A more intentional ones.

Mid Ramadhan - Napping Purposefully

2026-03-05T10:31:00.000+08:00

First of all, I need to nap. I followed my impulse and get Nescafé for iftar yesterday and thus I was only asleep by 12am. I slept through until sahur but it was not a good night sleep. I had another coffee for sahur because I don't want to sleep after Subuh and hopefully after writing this, I'm able to get a good nap before getting ready to work. I've also have some chores to do after my nap just to get my body going instead of groggily just go to work. Talk about preparation!

I used to dread things kind of planning and simply having to do "life". I feel like it takes away from doing other "meaningful" things in life. Then, I slowly starts to shift my mind acknowledging that this is just life and I'm doing the best to make the most out of it.

If the naps are necessary for me to function better at work to compensate for waking up early for sahur then be it. I have to accept that I worked in shifts and it's rare for me to come home when there's still sunlight so I need to adjust as needed. This is just how life is.

The most important thing is, whatever kind of life you're doing it is always the right thing as long as you put your heart at the right place. This is what I missed to see. It's not about how others work normal 9 to 5 will be able to live more righteously or having more money enable you to liaise some mundane chores so you have more free time - it's about doing and knows in your heart that it is just how life is that Allah has made it just so. Put your heart out for Him and do niat for Him and that itself will be more than meaningful. Probably in the future I'll be able to do more. Or probably one day I will so satisfied and feel enough just so to focus on it and become more content, at peace.

During my long drive to and back from work, I've been listening to lots of podcast. It really depends on my moods - it can be goofy, life tips and spiritual/religious. I found that podcast by Aida Azlin has been a really relatable Islamic day to day reflection as well as the one by PU Riz and Dato' Fadilah Kamsah in Buat Saja podcast. One of the clear message that sticks deep in my heart which really shifted my mindset and get me turning to it over and over again even in different podcasts is this Hadith Muslim 2999 -

Suhaib reported that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said:

Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.

I used to think it's about patience and being strong at it too. Now I looked at it as a way to live in peace, more content. It is a bit more laid-back in a way than my initial impression that I need to be a strong willed Muslim to be able to practice it. It's the very concept of Ikigai but instead of just letting go, I'm putting the trust to the One who control everything - past, present, future and beyond comprehension. I believe that Allah knows I need to be in a certain stage of life to be able to comprehend this because I used to believe in the concept of Ikigai. It's true what Dato' Fadilah Kamsah saying that all these western/non Muslim self help book/concept is actually another way of representing how Muslims should do.

So yeah, that is my whole thought process on me needing to nap. I have been consistently able to wake up early this Ramadhan for sahur even during my menses. I'm aiming to keep waking up early to get a 40 days streaks. Pray for me!

14th of Ramadhan - Being More Grateful

2026-03-04T12:02:00.000+08:00

I was thinking that maybe I'm not supposed to put daily updates into this blog as my standard. Then I thought that if I don't do it then might not update at all. So, let's just stick to explaining why I didn't update for the past 7 days. Funnily, I need to refer to my work timetable to recall back what I did.

I had a half day shift yesterday to finish off a pending time off claim. I clocked out at 1pm and went to a shop to have my father's old kitab to be re-bind. Is re-bind the right word? Anyway, last Saturday, I spent the day doing work while listening to podcast with Madnor and one of his point hits me in which he says that we also need to fulfil our employee rights. By rights, working hours should wholly be dedicated to work. I'm not being too rigid but then I thought of some work stuff that I might need to do off works to compensate anything that involves me not being fully dedicated to work. So, yesterday, despite having a half day, I still attend our weekly meeting and be fully present even tho I was in my car. After the meeting ended, I went for a massage, cooked and later that night I finally went to our surau here and did terawih. Honestly speaking, it was the kids who pushed us. I made a small cup of coffee to share with my husband after iftar just to get a little boost of energy and it was totally worth it.

During my day off on Sunday, we went out to buy baju raya for the kids and I went for iftar with my friends. On Monday, I was so sleepy and slept until 10ish. It was the first day that I started fasting after menses but I don't know why I was so sleepy since I still woke up early to prepare for sahur daily. After waking up, I did some chores and I went out with my husband around 2.30pm to do some more chores and buy groceries for iftar. I was still so tired that I slept right after Isyak.

Saturday was a full day shift. So I don't have time to write but then I realize I will also don't have time to write if I have morning shift like last Friday. I have a bad traffic coming home that I didn't have time to cook so I had to buy food from a random nasi lemak stall. Thank god it was good. I really only have time to write on days that I have noon shifts. I'm trying to write on my off days but it seems like there's always things to do, chores that is still pending and naps to catch lol.

Anyway, I just realized that these days of everything needs to be done are actually things that I need to be more grateful for. I'm trying to be more mindfully grateful and says alhamdulillah more especially when I know it's a habit of those who enters Jannah. Problem is, I keep on thinking that only good things deserve to be in the list but then feels to mundane to be grateful on things that I will always do.

I'm grateful for having the time to cook food that I love and then feeds my family who is also fasting. Now I got more pahala yay!

I'm grateful that I got to meet my friends for iftar and going to be having iftar with my siblings this weekend

I'm grateful that we are able to go out all the way to Subang and finds baju kurung that the kids actually love

I'm grateful that I am more focused at work and able to learn more through doing training sessions

I'm grateful that I'm able to do better self reflect at work and looking forward to be better at it through reading more and I'm grateful that I got to learn good suggestions of books to read to.

May our days always be filled with things to be grateful for.

The Seventh Of Ramadhan

2026-02-25T17:06:00.003+08:00

I haven't been writing for almost 10 days and it is already the 7th of Ramadhan. I was busy for god knows what really. I can't really recall anything much.

I was somewhat busy with tidying around the house and looking after the kids since they have a long break due to CNY and 1st of Ramadhan. Since my husband are taking in more work, I try to do more chores around the house to accommodate him.

I bought some craft supplies for the kids to spend time with. It was a good investment but they didn't do much when they started fasting. My 7 years old fasted for the first time for four days since it is still school break. On the first day of school both of them break their fast after morning school. Her older sister however cries badly after returning from evening school because she just realizes that now she can't have a one month streak of fasting. She only fasted for 5 days last year tho so me and my husband don't really expect much lol.

I fasted for four days and then had my period. So today is the third day I haven't been fasting. I had to cooked more for sahur since I want to make sure the kids eat. If it was only me and my husband, we ate either bread or oats. Having to wake up early, I got sleepy in the morning so I'll sleep if I have noon shift. The menstrual tiredness has came over me today that I'm still feeling a little bit out of it.

My siblings came last weekend. My brother who went out for tabligh work in for 3 months were coming back. So we had iftar together to celebrate him coming home.

I am feeling a little hopeful this Ramadhan. I feel more positive somehow. I'm not able to do much really but I'm trying to be more mindful with whatever I can do. It helps to feel more into it this way. I'm so grateful to be able to be in this mindset.

However, I am so drowned in doing my training materials these days. It will be this way at least until June. I'm trying a new way of doing training for the company staff which allows me to learn a lot too. It's fun, but so demanding and took so much time to.

Anyway, I guess this is it for now. I hope I get a good rhythm in this training stuff and better Ramadhan ahead. Till next time!

Ramadhan and Still Not Feeling It

2026-02-17T11:12:00.002+08:00

In two days, it will be Ramadhan. I talk about how I was feeling off during my PMS. To be honest, these off-ness has been awhile now and I'm not sure anymore if it is just PMS. But, coffee has always been my go to for a little bit of pickup, so I can't help but dreading that I can't drink coffee during Ramadhan. For the past two years or so, I have come to embrace just drinking coffee during sahur as well. I'll also make a light one during iftar. I honestly can handle thirstiness better than feeling all groggy and slow during the day. I try to do more physical kind of tasks too but it's not really much as my jobscope mainly needs me to be on the screen - planning, reporting, ordering, etc.

I haven't written in 5 days. On the first day, it was a full day shift. I remember feeling so tired and just not feeling energised after waking up from sleep for days after. I have a half day last Saturday and decided to bring the kids to work. They have a short one week break now for CNY and first of Ramadhan. Since I have the chance to do so, I took a half day and then it was my off days for the next Sunday and Monday. I wanted to spend more time with them but that means, I didn't have much time to write.

My siblings came during Saturday night and stayed for a night. We went to this food court area nearby for dinner but sadly some of the foods that we have eaten twice before has downgraded in quality. I was disappointed because it is a really comfortable and fun food court place with lots of choices.

We went to a relative home on Sunday. We have makan-makan sessions with BBQ and kari kepala ikan. I also bought some marshmallows and cookies for the kids to make smores. Then, come Monday. I was adamant to go for a massage but I forgot that our go-to massage place was a chinese establishments. It was closed for CNY. I was so dissapointed and went back home and just sleep. I'll just go when they reopen.

Then, I brought the kids to the bookstore and we bought some arts and crafts supplies. They were having too much fun but then it's great that they don't just play on their iPad. My husband however can't stand seeing the mess. I just told the kids to play well so it doesn't really become messy. Now tell me why this man was bothering the kids to kemas everything because they have to go their grandparents home in two hours but then come into the bedroom to take a nap.

I am so not feeling it to go working today. I'll make another coffee, sweeter this time. I'll focus to tend to the customer and order for this one supplier as well as contacting this new PIC of another branch to schedule appointment so we can review her invoice/payment documentations. For now, let's cook lunch, get ready for work, eats and go to work.

Happy Ramadhan to all of us and may it be the most blessed of all.

Feeling Off

2026-02-10T09:55:00.000+08:00

My PMS includes being in kind of a low mood. I always thought that I'm just more tired. Once I started dating my husband, having a space I can just be whatever, I realize that I was being more than just tired. I got more sensitive, more overthinking but then more hopeless too as at that same time , I just don't want to do anything. I'm just not on my best game.

When you're working in sales, that just a really tiring state to be. You just don't want to do anything but then you can't be this way when entertaining a customer. I learned from Chatgpt that these switching, it also physically tiring to your body. I was confused why I just crashes after work at times and turns out this plays a role too. This will happen around a week. Then my period came.

I'll be looking more positively at life but this time, I am actually worn out tired. The bleeding and the cramps will take more toll on my body. Not to mention as I am actually just in a constant mode of overthinking mess, I'll try to compensate whatever I was "not" during my PMS.

I was thinking that OCP might helps, they have these low dose ones meant to be more stable for you body, but then I always forgets them. Maybe I should try again as my periods has been funny too. It might not work. I'm just an avid overthinker in general. Just in different mode at times.

Maybe I am getting old. I remember how refreshing and high spirited I was in my twenties. Going to work with excitement and energy. But now, I woke up feeling tired. I need more deep sleep really. I slept quite well the past two nights but I had the weirdest dream. I can't remember them now except how weird it was.

How can I went for exercise if I don't have the energy to do so or was it really in my mind only?

Oh ya, I need to reason out on days that I don't write.

On 6th - because I have a full day shift

On 7th - it was my off day and we spent the entire morning outside and then do movies/chores in the evening. I just don't feel like pulling put my keyboard to write afterwards since I want to sleep early.

On 8th - I have a noon shift and I should write before going to work. In between Netflix and sleepiness and cooking lunch, I thought I have the time but I misjudged. I was thinking to do a quick writing during break at work but I went into work with multiple issues to be settled right on that time so with all that mess, I just want to chill during my break.

Do I Have ADHD?

2026-02-05T11:43:00.004+08:00

For some reasons, my social media been advertising about ADHD. I can't remember what kind of advertisement that I came across yesterday but the catchphrase was something along believing that I can get ready to work in 7 minutes. I can't get ready in 7 minutes, but I do have this thing where I just do other things or just chill until the very last minute to get ready. Like for example, the commonest thing that I'd do, is just like now. Now, it is 11.25am, I should be in the car by 12.30pm.

But have I showered? No. Do I planned to cook for lunch? Yes. Did I just start a show in Netflix and writing in this blog at the same time? Yes. The show is on hold, I just realized I can't do both at the same time. Shocker.

I think I need to get on that ADHD stuff. I might not actually have it, but whatever tips and tricks to get through life with ADHD probably would somehow works on me.

Besides that, let's review my plan to write everyday. This is decided end of January 2026. Today it the 4th of February. I have successfully written twice. It's ok. I think I just need to commit as it is but I'm putting a new rule. Whenever I missed any day, I need to reason it out.

For the pass two days, I was so out of it. I'm not sure why. This is why I've been pondering about the ADHD stuff. I was out of it at work too. I think one of the main reason is that I was feeling hopeless due to some important stocks that I don't have combine with the pressure of doing online training video. I was not in my game. I feel like I was doing all kinds of things but then nothing really was done. I've been doing this daily work planner which helped a lot to make me stays sane. It's just that there's hiccups here and there and it postponed things which means I need to do other things to compensate the postponed things. Just the usually retail chaos. I really don't like the feeling of those controlling me instead of me controlling them. I have few reflections though, to prevent this from happening again.

First, I need to detail my to do list. ALWAYS GET THING WRITTEN INTO YOUR PLANNER PLEASE AFIFAH. Secondly, I need a new documentation ways to records ideas/compensatory mechanisms I have done so instead of being a rescue mission, I prevent from needing rescue at the first place. Thirdly, I need to do a list of tasks I can ask my staff to do, I feel like I need to really utilize them. Lastly, I need to exercise, I've been putting gym on hold now my knees hurts again. I did a YouTube workout this morning and I'm feeling great now.

That's it for today. I'm going to cook the chicken and brings bekal to work. Also, I need to finish the chili that I have been frozen for the longest time.

Weekend Well Spent

2026-02-02T11:56:00.000+08:00

I didn't manage to write yesterday because I was out all day. We went out for a late breakfast. I took my time to get ready. It was just the two of us because the kids were at the grandparent's house (on their mother side). My husband has started this new work/business/venture, I'm not sure what to call it really, but he has been so busy. He was more laid-back at back at his previous job, so we're not spending much time together. We were spending more time together before because his previous job with his uncle is more laid-back so he can adjust his time to match with my shifts.

After days of exasperatingly whining that I didn't get enough attention, I made him went out for breakfast at this cute cafe near our apartment. Then we went to a foot spa to finally has his cracked feet callous taken care of while I did foot massage. Afterwards, we went to this new shop lot area as they just got funding and wanted to open a new branch. I just stayed in the car while I saw them talking and pointing to things around the shop lot and at some point, he was showing off his brand new polished heel.

We then went to his uncle house. His side of the family were gathering together for a small potluck feast with BBQ chicken and my personal favourite, kerabu pucuk paku with perut made by his opah. I ate a lot. Then we did Yasin before saying our goodbye. By the time we reached back to our town, it was already late evening.

I sneak out some time to video call Muaz, my 8 years old brother. I told him I miss him and ask him about chess pieces, his new obsession. My sister is giving him a chess set and it has been so funny because all of us didn't really play chess. Turns out my husband plays a little so probably Muaz can play with him on his new chess set. Then, we did our groceries before finally going back home.

It was just turns to Maghrib when we reached home. I cooked sambal for dinner because my husband was surprisingly hungry. Turns out, he didn't each much during lunch because there were no sambal. It was his favourite, I noticed that my MIL will always cooks it for him but this time, my MIL cooks sayur only.

By the time we had dinner, it was already 9-ish. We chill around watching some anime. I don't even know what I was watching. It was my husband show. I did ask random questions throughout. It has been a routine somehow for me to join watching his anime and ask questions as if I'm going to watch more. All and all, it was a fullfiling day with good food and good companions.

Today is still my day off. There is a new staff coming in today. I hope she'll be a good and long term fixture to the team. Also, I hope I'm diligent enough to iron the kids school uniform today 😏

Writing to Rest

2026-01-31T11:42:00.006+08:00

So I had this notion where I'll write more during my last post and ended up not writing for almost two years. TWO YEARS. Omg, how time passes.

This time, I'm publishing this post under Blogspot domain. I think it's not relevant anymore for me to pay NetKL from the .com domain. I guess I was thinking to get like a traction or something but I decided I'll just write whatever.

Some quick recap of changes in this two years.

I met a guy and I fall in love. Got married. He got two kids so now I'm a mother as well. We all have lived together for almost a year now. He makes me feel so comfortable so I feel like it's just like this peaceful living. The kids and me, has also learned that I'm not the typical female figure in their life who just pampers them. I guess it's a really steep and big learning curve for the three of us - me, the instant mother and them, the kids from a divorced parent. We're meeting halfway and it has been endearing to really, really, know them.

I'm not working in those big chain pharmacy anymore. I've quit one and moved to Selangor, and then starts at another big chain pharmacy for like two months and quits again. Now, I'm working at small pharmacy in a sub urban almost kampung area.

One big thing I realize is that my nervous system has calmed greatly. No more constant feeling that I need to do something or worry about something. I'm going to write about this in depth.

One of the key reason I'm writing again is I think to regulate myself. I've been going bouts in Chatgpt and I realized that I didn't really allow myself to rest. Now that I'm in an environment of not having to watch out my back all the time worrying something wrong is about to happen or forgetting to do that one little thing, I have time and space to just be. I've been going about things to do and I realized that I need to get grounded but to still feel like I'm still doing things. These things also has to be something that is "easy" for my mind. One easy yet rather funny thing that I found helps is to watch this Rosia Maio videos at YouTube. It's just so calming to see her live such a life with ease. But this doesn't feel like I'm accomplishing something instead of learning about Italian culture. So I dig deep withing myself (lol), and realized, I should just start writing. Journaling things.

This is such a great idea because ;

1. I'll be writing, in the zone, focused, not putting my mind in constant mode of need to be productive.

2. I'll be journaling, this is a habit I have been wanting to cultivate for the longest time.

Ok, hopefully, I'll write again tomorrow. Allahumma Amin.

Starting Somewhere

2024-04-24T10:13:00.000+08:00

I haven't posted for a year and a half. I posted something about living in my late twenties last time and now I'm 31. I still keep paying for the domain though. Mostly because I wanted that domain all to myself - just in case.

A lot has happened. My father died due to a heart attack and now there are just us. I have been put in charge of my outlet for more than a year now and I am so stressed out about that. I get to do two Ramadhan and Raya fully at home, so grateful. I wanted to travel more before my passport expires so I made two trips to Singapore and once to both Thailand (Bangkok and Phuket) and Vietnam (Ho Chi Minh and Dalat). The trips were so good and I love the style that we did it.

Also, I met a guy. He's great and I'm so in love.

I guess this pretty much summed up much of what has happened. If we go into detail, I would have so much to say about everything. From how messed up I'm feeling at work but at the same time feeling fulfilled to how much I love feeling in love to all the little fun trips and cafe hopping I get to do too plus being able to spend more time with my family. For now, this is a good summary.

So here I am - writing again after so long. I have been meaning to write for months because writing always clears my mind. I thought it could help me reset my mind and get more focused to improve my work and personal life. The problem is I don't feel "calmed and focused" enough to actually start writing. Not to mention with everything happening, writing really didn't sit well as priorities at all which is really a shame for me knowing how this has work well for me the last time I have a turmoil in my life.

A lot has happened for the last two months at work which has greatly affected my mental health as well as my personal life. It has also put me into deeper reflection and internal discussion with myself. I also got my manager into it. It got me thinking if quitting is the solution yet it's not like I feel I'm not able to handle the job - it is mostly how I choose to let work affect me and how I response to it. Let's be honest, the job never finishes, how we get around it is the important thing to truly have a balanced work/life.

I got to figure out some good points to get through better at work. A sort of reset I guess. There's this journal thing I started to do which I'm still perfecting the inclusion of it into my daily life. I got few pointers that I ought to practice and most of it all, I need to learn how to let go at work. workload and also expectations.

I was hoping this will help me to get a better personal life too. All these stressing really has put my body into a constant tiredness. Just last night I simply dies after my solat. It was so hard to wake up too. I was in a better state of mind but still, my physical body still took a lot.

One thing at a time I guess - and getting back to writing does feel like a good start.

Living Late Twenties : 30 Questions Before Turning 30

2022-10-20T08:43:00.003+08:00

I found this question on Elite Daily. If you guys feel like doing it as well, let me know so I can read it as well. I don't feel like ranting so let's just get straight into it.

What am I looking for in a partner?

I have told this before that during my time in Kuantan, I come to an understanding about myself that I do have certain physical attributes that draw me in. Apart from that, I'm looking for someone who can match my wit, and ways of thinking but most importantly, someone that I can enjoy a conversation with. This has led me to a certain type of personality and educational background too. I'm good at matching people's energy which indirectly makes me a people pleaser. So, on the surface, it might look like we get along well and don't get the wrong impression - we really do get along but I'm looking for someone that can bring out my other sides and someone that I can enjoy a good banter #lol

Is this the person I want to spend my life with?

I have been single for years so we can skip this questions

What will make me happy?

The first thing that come to my mind is traveling. You see, I enjoy traveling, but I'm not an avid person for one. Really not the wanderlust vibe kind of people that travel for experience and culture and need to go around the world etc. I really only look at it as a way of spending your holiday. I'm also not one that want to spend energy into planning long trips too but I love doing short trips. It's less demanding and easily executable. This is something rather new that I come to understand about myself. I like the feeling of being in an alternate life and just absorb it all. It feels like a break for the mundane of life and give a chance for me to clear out my head. It's not necessarily being clearing out the stress but more on giving myself a chance to see things in different perspective. Let's hope for more travel!

Is this worth it?

For now, my work is the only thing that got me thinking the worthness of it all. Is this really worth to spend my entire life for. I'm barely a year into this new environment of working that is really ideal for my growth but I'm starting to think how this might not be it entirely. It might not be someone that I want to see myself being in the future. I need to do a total career change if I really pressed on this further. I'm giving myself a few months to think this through first and the necessary life adjustment I might need to venture if I really do want a career change.

Is this the job I want in 10 years?

Oh god, I don't expect that this question directly linked to my answer in the previous question. For now, I'm 60% sure that I don't want it in 10 years.

Do I miss him?

I don't know. There's red flags but again, we don't really know each other. I'm not sure if I actually miss him or the ideal of him or the good times we spend with each other itself.

Do I have any real regrets?

I don't. One thing I always come to terms with whatever thing life throws at you is that - I always looking at it as a life experience. Simply a way to learn more about life and myself. Even if I did something regretful, I'll try my best to accept it and move on.

What goals do I still have?

I don't have goals. I don't know what I want in life. I'm living one day at a time and only do necessary changes when I feel that the current on isn't what I want. I'm good at knowing what I don't want. However, pursuing writing a lot more seriously seems good.

What impact that I want to make?

I'm fairly a simple person. I don't feel like I need to make an impact. If my writing could give an impact to whoever reading it, that would a good kind of impact that I would greatly appreciate.

Do I want a family?

A partner, yes. A family as in my own kids, I don't feel that those are meant for me.

Are my friends really my friends?

Being 29, I think I'm settled with the few friends I have. That I can trust wholeheartedly. Yes, they really are my friends.

Am I a good friend?

I can't vouch for myself for sure but I would be more than willing to do anything in my power to help my friends.

Is this the city that I want to live in?

I have never been able to see myself living here back home. However for a year or two from now, I feel like I need to be here for my siblings and it feel the most right thing to do. I've been thinking about how I love living in Kuantan. I used to think that such cities can be a good place to live in and indeed it is. The six hours journey really isn't it though. Probably would be a better choice once the trains are ready?

When was the happiest time of your life?

There are multiple occasions that makes me feel happy but I like to think of this question to be one defining and monumental occasion which I don't have yet. Maybe there'll be one for me in the future.

Am I a good daughter?

Again, I can't vouch for myself plus my father isn't really one that talks out stuff. My family is everything for me and for that I will do anything in my power to make them happy.

Am I a good person?

I get to interact with lot of people working in retail and being in pharmacy especially means people who are in need of help. It's basically my daily basis. I always reflect myself after assisting a customer. Did I really helped them out? Did I really listen to them? Was there any bias involved? There's pressure of needing to do sales, I'm not going to deny that but I always hope that I really, really helped out. That my suggestions are only those that benefits and that I didn't give false expectations. I hope I'm a good person to them.

Do I care what people think of me?

As of at this moment, I care too much. I let some things get to me too easily and too much too. Not all, just some. I'm not one to care too much actually so for me to be this bothered just exhaust me. I thought I got a good grip of myself at 29 years old but it seems new environment warrant me the chances to still improve this part of myself.

Should I feel guilty about cutting someone off?

I would say that I don't open up much to people and for the past few years of my life, having to live alone, I become so comfortable with myself. I don't necessarily feel the need to always be with peoples. I'm content with the few friends I have and the occasional meeting up with old friend or new people. It also means that I just don't feel the need to be connected with people I don't enjoy their company. It's kinda natural now. I don't feel guilty whatsoever. It is what it is.

Are my friends the friends I want for life?

Yes. See, here's the thing. Peoples around my age usually has a partner or has already married. It's just imposibble to stay connected to them as they also have other people they need to commit too. What this also means is that it's not easy to build a new friendship too so I don't see the possibilities of making and investing new frienships in the future. So, there's that. I'm grateful that the ones I have now are great but that's quite a POV now doesn't it?

Do people respect me?

At first, I thought this is a stupid question. How can you know if a person respects you? I think we can gauge something from how people response to you but that will be extirely up to how you perceive things. Then again, knowing this objectively could really help your growth too.

Do I care enough about my body?

I'm not sure if this question was meant for body image or body health. However, it feels better to direct it to health. I've learned to be more concious about it but sadly, I'm not doing much to maintain it. I want to first improve my diet as in eat healthily and on time and like at least get 10k steps per day. I should really put more effort in this as I'm starting to feel I get tired easily and can hardly focus well too.

Can I speak up for myself?

I can and sometimes it can be such little thing which I don't even realize it was me speaking up for myself. It could be that I feel "you're having a wrong assumptions about me" so now I'm "just clarifying". However, I wouldn't put myself as far as being "the change" in an uncooperative situations but to the very least, if the situations permits, I don't have a problem to walk out from it too.

Is it too late to change?

Of course not. Especially if you put out effort, surely there's a mean for you to effectively adopt change.

Do I need someone?

I used to think I'm independent enought that I don't need anyone. I could simple wait. Now, however, still as independent, I feel like needing someone to be there for you is such an assuring thing to have in your day to day life. So yeah, I do need someone.

Do I need more?

The more thing I need in life right now is feeling accomplished and satisfied with whatever I'm doing. Be it at work or vacationing, I yearned to always make the most from it and it could differ from one situation to the other but there's a little "I've done it" achievement that I want. I'm still that "living life one day at a time kind of girl" but now I value those feeling of achievement more conciouslly.

Am I ready to be an adult?

Yes I am. It might be only a partial of how the society perceive what an adult is, but on my own term, I am and seeking to always be a better version of it. I'm also learning my boundaries and with that I'm also learning to not be intimidated by others.

Have I challenged myself?

I have and I want to challenge myself more.

Will I found love?

I really don't know. As I told before, having someone feels good of course but I'm not obsessed over it. I would feel bad if I can't find anyone though but if it is meant to be, it will be.

Do I have the life I wanted?

I don't know what kind of life I really wanted. There's some aspect in my life that I still want to venture around more and see how it takes me. For the past 5 years, I've been moving around few times and get to experince multiple workplace environment. If one thing I have learned is that 20's or even 30's can still be early to simply settles down. Life can offer so much more for you to really understand yourself better and knowing what kind of life you wanted.

Am I really 30?

I'm 29 actually but yes of course I am really turning 30. So what?

Living Late Twenties : Of Not Living Alone

2022-10-05T22:15:00.001+08:00

I think I need to continue my "Being Present in Life Writing Challenge" so that I feel, you know, more present in life. The issue is however, it was initially catered to my life living alone. It kinda feels irrelevant now that I live with my family again. I have to admit that it does feel a whole lot better to have my family around whenever I'm having my slump mode. So to commemorate my current way of not living alone, I feel like I need to highlight whatever different things since. By since I mean two months.

Wau, it has only been two months only lol.

To start with, I've been doing lots of renovation-ish or sort of mending around the house now that I'm actually living here. For the past two months, I've been in bouts projects mainly focusing on our upstairs space.

A few years back, my parents did a big renovation on our upstairs space which added three more rooms and a medium-sized common space. My siblings who were still living here hardly use the rooms save for my brothers whenever they are back. However, for the past few months, my siblings started to use these rooms and I am currently sharing one of the rooms with my sister too. We're a big family. As these spaces weren't used before, it wasn't really comfortably room-ish save for beds to sleep on. So I put myself in doing bits of renovation projects here and there to make the space of better use plus having the common area become more comfortable for us to leisure around or do work.

This includes putting up more storage space stuff and making my sisters follow my rules of putting things away, repurposing or recycling old stuff whenever possible, having some new fixtures and I even went into hand sewing stuff too because I can't be bothered to actually learn how the sewing machine work.

Don't worry, learning how to operate this sewing machine is on my to-do list.

I've been repurposing an old dressing table, upcycling this old wooden sofa set, reorganizing our study tables, reorganizing the clothing cabinet, putting up curtains, putting up a more organized way of keeping the tudung and shawls, mending old pillows, mending the old iron board and I even set up timetables to make sure the laundry is done and the space were all swept.

You can see mending and recycling stuff is quite a theme but I have been throwing out tonnes of old stuff too. Funnily, that also involves breaking up and packing things and having to throw them away in another dumpsite area as they won't be picked up by a garbage truck. I was actually amazed at the length I have achieved in mere two months because I am very much still working as usual. I do have my sisters who helped around though so that's a bonus.

Recently, as I am 90% done with having designated places for our stuff, I have also put in efforts to make my sisters adopt "clean as you go" behavior. These kids are lazy I told you. Nevertheless, it feels so satisfying seeing the space now all comfortable being used by them accordingly.

We also have a small balcony upstairs. I wanted to turn it into a cozy small space to chill but since it is small, I can hardly fix much stuff there. I did come up with an idea to put fake grass there and have already bought it. So now we're waiting for it. We can probably just chill on the grass lol.

I still need to do something about the common space and reorganize some more stuff. Also for some reason, the lamp in one of the rooms simply won't turn on and we don't know why. Probably needs to learn about that too. Just a few days ago, I put up some simple wall decorations in one of the rooms and I feel like I need just one more clothes hanging space and be done with it. The wall decorations need some more touch-ups to it but I don't have any idea at the moment. Probably a visit to the shop will help.

In the meantime, I spent some time hanging out with my family and friend too. My sister had her graduation the other day and almost the whole family got Covid-19 the week after. I finally watch the latest Dr. Strange movie and even Thor: Love and Thunder during my quarantine. I was lethargic for the whole week so I barely do anything but watch either Netflix or Disney Hotstar. We went to Air Force The Movie too and it was good. I got to try some new eating place around here and tries to cook more during my days off. I've been watching more Criminal Minds nowadays and simply loving it.

Work has been a bit dull since it's a new shop. I was feeling demotivated too since I can't do many sales due to multiple reasons and it kinda put a toll on me. The most cliché thing is since it makes me more demotivated, whenever there is a customer, I went quickly assess even the slightest bit of rejection body language of the customer which is simply a depressing first mindset approach in retail. I need to keep on reminding myself to believe in my capabilities and to stop overanalyzing everything. It's tiring really.

In the meantime, I'm also trying to use my free time to actually learn more about products. I think I need to be more conscious on setting daily goals to in order to make myself feels more accomplished. I also need to read more books in order to get the gears in my brain to move more too. I still didn't start any reading through though #lol.

I'm still settling in. These are all new norms but I guess since I'm single and my friends are all far away, it's good to be in a close-knit circle back, especially my own family. I still miss my life in Kuantan. If I were to live alone, that life is ideal.

Living Late Twenties - I'm Home

2022-08-13T19:28:00.003+08:00

My old mouse was being funny and then it suffer a bad fall so I was like "yay, new mouse shopping". I got it at MrDiy. It was a really nice mouse. Just the right size, comfortable to use and they did like this soft click. It was a random pretty mouse and then I thought that "Hey, maybe MrDiy got good mouses so I can just buy randomly there again for the new one"

I bought it. It didn't have that soft click. The click was rougher and generally annoying af. T________________T

I'm back home Perak! It's been almost two weeks now. I'm working from home at the moment as the outlet here hasn't opened yet. It got postponed due to a stock problem. So now I'm "simply" on my laptop responding to Whatsapp queries and trying my best not to be annoyed when people randomly request questionable medicines.

I finally got to meet my friends back in Sabak yesterday. We had sushi, watch a movie and also went to karaoke. It's good to meet them after months. I need to meet my other friend from the hospital. I'm missing my friend back in Kuantan though. They're just so much fun to be with. Hopefully, we can plan another trip together soon.

I'm having mixed feelings about coming to live back home after almost 5 years of not doing so but mostly, I'm just grateful that I'm now living with my siblings. I'm not living alone and that's kinda refreshing. My friend did ask me if I'm going to live out of the house. It's actually quite interesting that my friend thinks of such too as my sister also was asking if I'm going to buy a house here.

I do feel like I can consider buying a house but then I'm not entirely sure about living here forever. I was just thinking of going back home to be with my siblings. Probably for one or two years. It's kinda daunting to be thinking as such because my current work does feel like somewhere I could be for at least three years.

I miss Kuantan. It has a really good vibe for me to live a life there but then it's just too far away. Probably Ipoh would be a better choice. I feel like I can ask for a transfer there when the company has a store opened there. That's kinda a good idea to hang on to right?

I think I'm done with Tinder. All those that I got to know while in Kuantan will be just a memory now. Nobody really addresses how tiring those short-lived connections are. Not to mention that I have always felt sufficient to be with the same crowd that I know I can trust and be comfortable with so opening up like that feels even more draining. It is still kinda scary to feel like I might simply shut off ways for me to get to know new people but then I have my sister currently laughing for whatever reason while crowding on my feet and I can hear my brother playing gleefully with his toys while taking a bath so I guess I'm good for now.

This also means I can continue my journey to watch as many horror movies as I can. We finished Sandman the other day. I thought it was a horror but turns out it was supernatural-ish but it was still so good so we were bummed that there's no news of a second season.

Last but not least I've changed my template! It was loading so slowly before and the old template has been used for quite some time. I didn't actually expect changing to a new template can actually help it loads faster but it did so yay!

Tinder, Work and Anxiety - A Month In Writing

2022-06-28T16:01:00.002+08:00

It's 10.22pm, 4/6/2022. I've been craving to write but I can't seem to find enough energy to simply sit with myself and focus. So, although I decided to sleep five minutes ago, I changed my mind and write this on my phone. We'll see how many days it will need to finish.

First, Tinder. I told here before that I wanted to try dating. But oh my god I can't do this online chatting at all. Plus, I would need people to put heights because HEIGHTS MATTER. I'm sorry that I am biologically indoctrinated to not be attracted to men that are short. You can reject me for not having fair skin and not being skinny, I am totally okay with that.

Long story short, there's no one interesting enough save for this one guy. This guy actually makes me realize that I really do have a type. I thought it was just a simple preference, but no, this is a lifestyle choice indeed. It's fun and kind of eye-opening that now I am able to realize this part of me. Who would have thought some random guy so far away from where I am from that I met randomly on Tinder got me to understand myself more and even give me the chance to feel more feelings.

He ghosted me though. I think? We do have this notion that I am not seeking anything serious and that I am not staying here for long. I hope he wasn't an asshole or something because that would be a bummer. But still, thanks for the experience.

I wonder if I can meet this kind of guy again. I don't think I'm doing Tinder anymore. I got bored too easily and I think the very fact that we actually meet right away is why I don't feel like simply bailing him.

Oh my god, is this my karma because I ghosted people on Tinder? But everyone ghosted everyone on Tinder though.

Anyway. There's that. We're back to all man is boring and a drab and I'll die alone with my own money living in some ✨fancy✨ old folks home.

I wanted this Tinder story to sound more romantic than this. I think I'll write two or three more poems and calls it a closure.

(fast forward to 21.6.2022)

He still ghosted me.

Anyway, we went for that sleeper train trip! Since we went back the next day, we spent the time exploring Kelantan. It was a short trip but we got to do so many things and if anyone asks, the sea at Terengganu is bluer and prettier than the ones at Kelantan 🌊🌊🌊

It was my friends here that did the itinerary and we got to eat so much good food. That is truly the biggest highlight since we were all so bored with the daily Foodpanda orders for lunch.

Back to the matter at hand - work.

I finished the assessments with the outlet's manager earlier this month and now am waiting for the oral assessment with the HR people. This is presumably the hardest part and I only texted HR today to ask when will it be done since there's no news up whatsoever for three weeks already 🥲🥲🥲

I like lah writing on my phone, I can put emojis here.

I am doing so much better at work now. I no longer feel so depressingly gloomy as I used to when going to work plus the timetable is so much more sensible now since there are new staffs now. I can actually sing on my way to work and that speaks volumes.

Getting confirmation faster would be a whole lot better of course.

I still needed to learn more. But having this better headspace helps a lot in learning more efficiently. I'm trying to be more proactive but still am able to make more sales. It's a tricky balancing technique for me but I think this will help me to gain more knowledge, experience and quick thinking too.

Having said this, my anxiety is considerably much better now. It is almost a freedom. I also try to dress better of my own accord as those help me feel more confident = less anxious. I do need to declutter my vanity table as those are really getting on my nerve now but I just don't have the time since I either want to sleep the tiredness away or there's a new cafe to go to.

We went to lots of cool and beautiful cafes around Kuantan. Since we went during weekdays, there isn't much crowd which makes the experience even more better. The food is so damn good too. I have the smoothest latte and I even tries to drink matcha.

I might make some peoples mad but matcha really be another fancy way of drinking milk. I think I like the umami one's better.

(28/6/2022)

I've been having bouts of simply not wanting to do anything. I don't really feel stressed out or any of the usual anxiousness - I just don't feel like doing anything. It is most probably a burnout and it lasts for a few days sometimes. No matter what it is, I think it is most probably some hormonal thing, what I know for sure is that it is a vicious thing to be in since it means I'll close fewer sales and end up bummed up seeing my poor performance when the day ended. This month particularly was rather bad since I need to cater two outlets and were doing more non-sales kind of job. But I'm loving the more experience I've been getting doing these odd jobs.

I met another Tinder guy the other day. It was a short meet-up since he was randomly in town and I had just finished my shift. I didn't use Tinder anymore, he was just some guy that I give my number to because I don't want to open Tinder anymore. He was those "open-minded" kind of guy. People really be abusing the word open-minded but we had an interesting conversation, especially the part about me disagreeing with things and that he constantly thinks I need to change my opinions on things. It was weird. He constantly thinks as if I can't think for myself and that he has the better look at things. I was having fun simply contradicting him but not enough to keep me wanting to continue the talk.

I am rewatching Criminal Minds and I forgot how hot Hotchner can be. I keep everything on hold until I feel bored again watching Criminal Minds. I think I might stop until at least Gideon is out. I do however finishes Mugen Train Arc. I might continue Entertainment District Arc first after my Criminal Minds fever finishes

Today is my day off. I want to read a fiction book but I feel like Murakami's one would be suited me better but it's hard to find one. I was thinking to go to a bookstore and if I can't find any then I will simply buy online. To my surprise, there isn't any fancy bookstore here in Kuantan and there's only Popular and it is in one of the less famous malls which means I am literally going into that mall for Popular.

But we're going to the beach though so that's fun.

Living Late Twenties - Random List (insecurities, fears, wants)

2022-04-23T11:28:00.002+08:00

I feel like my previous post sounded too positive for my liking that I can't bear to read it again and now for today, I'm going to be flat out depressing af.

Yesterday I came to know about some unsettling things about the few toxic co-workers here. It was daunting especially since a few days before, I was having this second thought where I feel like I might be okay here but now I'm not so sure anymore. To think that I must first "survive" these months with these people who were supposed to "train" me has made me even more unnerving.

I even decided to simply binge on caffeine to make days more tolerable plus here is some random list of insecurities, fears, and wants because reveling in this will be my coping mechanism from now onwards.

insecurities

The first thing that comes to mind is my English. I always know my English isn't fluent but I can still convey a decent conversation yet nowadays, I can't do shit. I think I'm going to simply talk in bahasa melayu or a simple broken English je cause I'm done!
My selling skills - I feel like I can do better at selling things and that I need to learn more but I simply forget everything that I learned it feels pointless to learn more now.
Everyone else is so good so now I am left feeling like an inadequate potato.
I simply avoided these toxic staff who were actually the ones that are responsible to supervised my training here because they made me feel small and also they can be judgy so yeah.
All of these mean I put expectations on myself and failed so now it made me feel even worse.
Also, I keep on having these condescending thoughts that some people are looking down on me because I'm being naive with my way of thinking and this kinda invalidates my feeling. I hate second-guessing my own feeling. I mean if wanting to feel better seems too naive of a life choice and that somewhere in the future this will all be better - well, let me have my mistakes and mourn them over first.

p/s - texting in whatsapp's work group at 12am is not okay.

fears

I'm afraid if these are simply what it is and that if I can't cope here, I might not be able to elsewhere as well as this sector is going in this direction.
Am I able to manage this kind of outlet? That is what is expected from me and what I want to be able to do, but now it feels discouraging.
I learned a few new criteria that I need to secure when finding a new place so if I quit I'm afraid that I can't get a decent offer that will fit my newfound expectations.
I might need to change my career path - this isn't a fear per se, but needing to adjust to a new environment can be troublesome
That these sectors will be filled with more of these toxic peoples

wants

I think I'm finally ready to get into a relationship. I was trying Tinder for fun but I think I can get more serious. I don't put many expectations though. The few that I've matched aren't really worth pursuing. Although I do think my approach should've been better and more directed. It's kinda fun to venture into a new side of me as well,
I want to settle into my own style of selling more confidently and not be pressured per the company expectations which kinda feel like I am now simply a salesperson first, a pharmacist second.
I want to be able to have more energy and spirit to enjoy life as I used to -I probably need to start with sleeping and waking up early
I WANT MORE MORNING SHIFTS FFS.
I also want to eat better because this gastritis is annoying.
I want to be young foreverrrrrrrrrr.

Selamat Berpuasa (I know I'm late) and Selamat Hari Raya (I know I'm early)

Living Late Twenties - New Job, New Atmosphere and Far From Home

2022-02-28T10:52:00.000+08:00

I need to spend some hours just to tweak my laptop back. I did some personalization on it as to make it more "aesthetically pleasing" but the system I used kinda annoying and I've been meaning to try new stuff but this has been going for months already but each time I'm at my laptop it was for work or like I'm watching something for the sake of my mental health.

I've just watched Eternals the other day, the plot was amazing but the storytelling part (I don't know what the exact term should be) could've been better. I am kinda done with MCU, mostly because there's a lot of them and I can't be bothered to keep up. Like I've only watched No Way Home because my siblings wanted to and we did like the whole gang going to the cinema and all. Not gonna lie, I love the surprise plot so so much.

I love Eternals though. I think my brain is simply wired to love anything with Angelina Jolie in it. She's so prettyyyyy. I'm not a k-drama girl and watched only a handful of Korean movies plus some sneak when my sister was watching it but I know who Ma Dong Seok is and I adore him. So I was looking forward to seeing him in this too. It was great. I love it. But the end though T_________________T

Ok, that's it, now let's get into the real reason why I'm writing today. I kinda have to write those first because I need to feel that I have other things in my life instead of just my new work that has been positively stressing the hell out of me. But in a good way.

But stress is always stressing though.

I've written before that I was doing my three-month notice and today marked my third week of training at my new place. It's a one-month training plus six months probation kind of deal and god I am not doing well.

I was so stressed out for the fact that I'm now in Kuantan, a total of six hours away from my home, needing to adjust to a new working environment which is like a mix of 360-degree changes from my previous work plus a whole other kind of expectations that I didn't expect, somehow having one of the colleagues awfully reminds me of this one colleague at the hospital I work before that I simply hate and now I feel like I need to re-boot that It Has Been series.

The worst thing is I am alone here. Don't give me that "sapa suruh pi keje sana?" because the deal was that after I finish my probation, I'm going to work at their new branch at Perak, which conveniently hasn't opened yet. I am trying my most damn to hold onto that silver lining, that I can finally work in Perak, but there's no outlet opening in Perak now so it's kinda hard to keep a "positive mindset" at the moment (insert that skull emoji right here).

This opportunity is by far the most challenging I have been and from what I've been talking with my friends, it might be the most challenging there is in our sector. We've always known this though but when you're in the system, it's a whole different kind of thing and everything simply makes sense. Simply think of it as the Family Mart of the 24-hours convenience stores or like the Pavilion of shopping malls. Their system is really what made it possible and from what we've been talking with my friends, it is indeed currently the only one who brings up to this par and they also pioneering with amazing health services. It was indeed a celebration of our professionalism too.

However, did I tell you that for my probation, they stationed me in one of their most performing outlets? So it's like adapting to a new way of working altogether plus in the most hectic outlet as well. Welcome to my life.

It is a stressful expectation with a lot of tiring effort, and a combination of both is never a good thing in my life, talking from past experiences too. Am I exaggerating? Well most probably, since I've only been in the shop for a few days, it's not enough time to be making conclusions. Yet, I know that I need to acknowledge this. That understanding this helps me to set the right mindset versus per what "performing peoples" be saying is that I need to power through.

I hate that mindset, it feels wrong that you need to summon extra power to go through something on a daily.

I might be making too many early judgments or I might be wise enough to actually be making good early judgements (lol) but here's for today. An absolute newbie and this newbie is taking this hard.

Yet also this newbie realizes that this is the next step that I need to go onto while still being young. That this is a big and quite a rare opportunity that enables me to absorb more relevant and structured knowledge and experiences. That I will absolutely love the outcome of my own self-progress if I succeeded in the probation. That I needed this challenge in order to become better in the way that I want and the space to be able to channel my growth. For all of these, I'm simply at THE place to be. So this is going to be my mindset.

But I'm going to need some minor practical shifts and reminders to do on the daily too. Like how to cope with that one colleague, or when the stresses are building up, what can I do? Especially since simply going back home isn't the best choice now. Good time management too so that I can succeed in all the expectations they set for me and not be a living burnt-out body.

The most important thing is the need to keep a fresh mindset every day instead of being daunted by the previous one so that I can work my best to improve myself. This is key. The key.

Oh ya, I need to buy a new MediFeet shoe if I'm going to be standing all day.

BMPIL Writing Challenge - What's In My Bag and In My Car

2022-01-27T11:35:00.002+08:00

There is about one week left of my resignation notice and now I'm back into the tiresome hassle of finding a new place. Also, I need to change my brake pad and go to my Dr. Ko monthly check-up which I have put away for weeks now. I really, really, don't feel like doing anything these days especially since I usually spend the weekend at home and the rush to work on Monday and then simply wither away due to the fact that I haven't been eating on time and I'm only either at work, sleeping or on my phone. I even uninstall Instagram just to maybe, kinda, cut off my screen time a bit.

Anyway, I went for a walk this morning and did some cleaning around the house. That feels productive even tho I really do have to go to Dr. Ko as soon as possible but we're going to push that aside (again) and write a little cause I feel that this good feeling will go to waste if I don't write.

What's in my bag?

I have four bags that I rotated the usage with varying sizes but in general, there are on the small side. I usually change it every few weeks or so. All of them are black save for one which is in beige color only because it is a farewell gift from my previous work. They wanted to see me in other than black #lol.

I only buy black because it goes with everything especially since I will carry that one handbag everywhere. I opted for small bags because I hate how messy it gets when I simply chuck in everything when I use a bigger one. Actually, one of the bags is bigger and I tried my best to steer away from it. In a matter of fact, I just changed the bigger handbag yesterday to a small one because it gets messy and it annoys me. I'm planning to just ruin that big handbag which excuses me to buy a new one but then I hate if I don't have the option of a bigger handbag when I needed it.

It's mostly useful to put my telekung if we went to a mall or something since there's no free telekung available due to Covid-19.

Since it is small, there's nothing much in it saves for the essentials - purse, lip balm, hand cream, mask extension, and my keys.

Other important things like masks and hand sanitizer are stashed in my car. I never carry tissues. Sometimes, there's random medicine in it. Usually Accutane, painkillers or something for my allergies.

If I use the bigger ones, there will be a lot of random stuff. It is still in there because I was too lazy to empty it yesterday.

That's it for today. No handbag picture though because I'm too lazy.

Living Late Twenties - Life of a single working person living alone

2021-12-02T11:30:00.005+08:00

My last post was on the 4th of October. It's a good two months of me not writing anything. Not sure how I am feeling about that but yesterday, I do suddenly missing writing my poems.

I thought I'm going to write about how life has been just to show how a person in her late twenties is doing. Writing a poem is not it by the way. I miss it so much though.

A lot has been happening and everything went so fast. Before I knew it, there's another two months left before my three months notice is finished. Yup, that happens. I went on for an interview, succeeded and in two months, I'll be working a new place. I got two fresh new staff that I need to train, again, and I hope they'll stay long enough or at least until the company got a new pharmacist to replace me. The new staffs are so much easier to work with so I'm immensely thankful for that.

I did my presentation for the company last month. It was my first time ever doing a presentation in this company and outside of the hospital setting. It occupies me for a good two weeks. I keep putting off doing the slides in favor of training new staff (the ones who have quit) and doing everything on my own since I can't rely much on the new staff. I even did the slides at home because I wanted to finish them before going on a short staycation-ish trip with my friend. It was only for a few hours though. I am very serious about not doing my work at home.

I'm so proud of the slides. I purposely choose a title that I don't know much and with that, I was able to learn so many new things. The presentation went well too. All and all, it was a good success.

The staycation is a success too. We were celebrating a friend of ours who came back from Sabah. We stayed at Dorsett KL, play some electronic scooter, watch a good horror movie, frolicking in the rooftop pool for hours and end it with a nice hi-tea buffet at Atmosphere 360.

She did drop us a bomb by suddenly saying she is going to get married without any notice about how there's a prospective guy in her life. Now that's something that I'm not sure if I was borderline mad or just annoyed about. I'm not really close with her as we rarely get the chance to see each other but there's a few of us back then so it was natural for us to get her into our group. I guess she was that introverted person which we adopt so I love being able to celebrate her. I can't help also feeling betrayed when she told us that like it was nothing.

I feel like sharing this because it's one of the things that usually happen and sometimes it can be a confusing thing.

The problem is that when I get angry or anything, I tend to shut down from such people. At first, it was because I realized that I can be so cruel when I'm mad so I learned to just step away. Before long, stepping away becomes letting them go and I am simply at peace. It is surprisingly easy to let go. Like if I ever did this to you, I'm sorry but I can't give you any good explanation because I just can't be bothered so there's that.

I need to improve my communication skills. Like a friend of mine has been so annoying lately and I'm like "We need to switch you off for a while" but the pharmacy he's working at is finally opening today so I need to wish him or something. I'm so proud of him though.

I've been spending more time with my family since the interstate travel ban has been lifted. They have finished re-did my old grandparent's house and I finally get to see it. It was so nice being able to stay in my village again. We even do a small get-together with my relatives there.

I didn't get updated with Covid-19 cases much these past months and my new housemate told me that we might go into another lockdown so that's a thought I'm going to put far behind my mind. Oh ya, I got two new housemates so no more putting stuff everywhere because I was the only one here. That was a sweet one month of privacy.

Besides those is the typical changing new tyres, getting a deal for a new brake pad, going for Dr Ko sessions and I even get the chance to try a new restaurant around here. I don't read though. I need to continue my reading lol.

I think that is all and it has been good.

Also, I put those Veets cream above my upper lips area to get rid of those tiny hairs. I tried shaving but it didn't give me a smooth finish. Waxing causes small bumps afterward. Putting Veets makes it so smooth so yeah. Don't do it.

BMPIL Writing Challenge - All About Laundry

2021-10-04T15:15:00.001+08:00

What was I thinking when I put this topic in?

With that thought on my mind, I am again reminded that these topics were meant to get me more in touch with my life. It is easy to get lost by doing everything as if life itself is merely a repetition of things. Day in day out. Although I love having such structure, the appeal becomes a dread as it is literally the only thing that I can do while in this "lockdown".

I haven't been home for months and literally shuts out for weeks on end to simply living day in and day out. I realized I never actually addresses this. I stop thinking about how many days it has been and I don't even care what day it is. Thank god we can do inter-district travel. I got to meet my friends and it feels so good.

Anyway, I'm actually doing my laundry at the moment which is actually a coincidence. I work half-day today and will only clock in at 6pm. I usually don't do my laundry on Monday because I feel like I need to "stretch" the weekend vibes as much as possible since I usually will do an evening shift on Monday. But since the laundry is pilling and I have slept and eat enough, I feel like doing laundry will help me feel good. I did spend the entire weekend hanging out with my friend though. I even had an impromptu crash at my friend place on Saturday because we finished karaoke-ing at 1130pm lol.

My place here has a manual washing machine. Or is it a semi-automatic? I'm not sure the right term but it was those that have separate washing and spinning parts and you need to turn on the water and wait for it to fill and then set how long you want to wash it and then drain and repeat and et cetera et cetera.

It usually takes me forever because I hate waiting and then I'll do other things while waiting and then I forgot about it and then I remember so then I have to change the water and the let it wash again and then I'll forget about it again. I do like how you can control everything so then I can do mini washing without the guilt of using excessive water or if I just want to a quick spin.

I'm an avid user of powdered detergent. I feel like the liquid ones get stuffy if you don't hang them right away or if you don't dry them under the sun. I dry my laundry in the living room where I have this Ikea mullig and simply hangs on hangers and leave it for dayysssssssssssssssss.

Like literally for days. I hate folding so much. Also, there weren't many tenants so far in all the places I have rented so there's a lot of free space.

I used to buy that Daia powdered detergent with Downy scents. It smells so good. I don't use softener much due to that because let's be real, we only use softener for how good it smells. However, since my old landlord didn't fix the broken washing machine I just bought random detergent that I found in Speedmart as I did most of my laundry the 24hour self-service laundry. It was those that gives detergent and softener automatically for free.

When I moves in here, I still have lots of detergents left which was not Daia so I started to buy softener again. I mean why not since I'm going through all the trouble filling in the water and draining it out and whatnot, I can give effort and add softener as well I the meantime. The smell was obviously much better and I always go overboard anyway so I keep on doing that lol.

The softener is finishing though, maybe I should buy the softener that Jungkook uses next.

BMPIL Writing Challenge - My Favourite Desserts and Snacks!

2021-09-19T14:21:00.005+08:00

I was having a rather slump-ish weekend and thought to myself that I needed to write stuff here - last night. It's now almost noon - the next day.

Also, I actually wrote something that just needed a minor tweaking but I don't like it anymore. I guess I needed to edit it some more. I also don't have a really nice vibe with my previous post, which is kinda a ridiculous reason. These have all and all made me want to just delete both of them but we'll persevere, I guess, and simply move on to our next topic.

I love this topic (insert heart emoji here)

I usually have a very specific mood for desserts and snacks. I needed to have that feel before actually eating it. I'm a slow eater and tends to savour everything and is even more so if the said food is desserts and snacks. These two were meant to be enjoyed consciously and deliberately.

Although, even after having said that, it was rare for me to really want to eat these. I don't know why though. Like if you give me something now, I won't touch it.

Ok, let's do this, favourite dessert will go first.

I am a chocolate enthusiast. Especially the creamier ones which means the ones with creams or dairy. So if it's a chocolate bar, it must be the milk ones. If it is a cake, then it must be the moist ones with luscious chocolate ganache. Naturally, this means I'm mad for moist brownies. There's this buffet we went to during our first year that served amazing chocolate souffle and I am hooked but I can't seem to find anywhere that sells it. If it's a drink, it must be a creamy chocolatey goodness one and hence that's why I hardly buy a chocolate drink. I usually buy iced drinks so I hated when the ice dilutes the drink and it's hard to find a good chocolate smoothie. I'll usually make hot drinks at home so milo and those Cadbury drinks are easily my favourite chocolate drinks.

I swear to all the good looking guys in anime that I've watched (tibber), dal.komm and this one local online cafe here made the best chocolate smoothies.

You can hardly go wrong with brownies as long as you stick to a recipe that includes putting chunks of chocolate into the batter but a chocolate cake from a good bakery is just on another level. I'm so into Gula Cakery now since it's close by. Apart from that, I do enjoy cheese tart as well. Be it a plain one or a fruits ones, I like them all. I'm not really a fan of egg tarts though. It's nice but I usually have this mood where I tend to not-feeling-like-having-an-egg-aftertaste.

I'm not really a snack eater. I don't hate it though. I don't know why. I eat snacks but usually, I just don't feel like it. I might eat it if it's there or when the "want" come but I try not to buy much cause I know it will take forever to finish. Like there's this keropok ikan that I bought last Tuesday I guess because I feel like eating it and I don't have time for lunch so it was a good and rather filling snack. There's about a third of it left still laying around in the pantry.

The only cookies that I eat are either those big and chewy cookies (like the Subway's) or this cookie that my friend sells (she made it herself, it is so good and addicting). I used to like Chipsmore and always buys it but I don't anymore for like months now because I think I started to not like it. This is a weird realization to me because I've been loving Chipsmore since I'm a kid.

I like those crispy chocolate snacks like the ones with wafer or rice crispies like Zip from Cadbury. I love that thing. I still only do chocolate flavour though. The chewy ones like Snickers is a big no no cause I hated how it stuck to my teeth.

It seems like these days, my snacks are on the sweet sides only. I don't really do savoury ones except for potato chips (any flavour is good, you can't go wrong with potato chips) and also, Super Ring. I think I only ate two types of bagged snacks - Super Ring and Pop Corn Perisa Durian. They are no bagged snacks that can compete with these two - period.

As for ice cream, I'm usually sticking to the basics. Chocolate or vanilla. That Magnum one, the plain one, of course, is top tier. I rarely bought packed cone ice cream. I also love sour-ish popsicles which are my go-to on hot days.

I also always have mints with me but the chewy ones instead. I do enjoy hard candy as well but I don't really have any preference. It's simply nice to pop one into your mouth. I think I can stock on hard candy in my room. That will be nice.