Bold Remarks

Changing Seasons

2012-09-04T12:51:00.003-07:00

With fall encroaching on us, I find myself preparing for the colder weather by breaking out the heavier clothing. Classes are starting up again, Egg nog will be available soon, and people are beginning their financial planning in order to get their kids some gifts this year. Eventually, the leaves will begin to change their color, and the so-called "leafers" will clog up the New England area in order to achieve what one might call "transcendentalism".

One of the classes I enrolled in for the fall semester focuses on the fundamentals of writing. I'm only taking the class to get a better understanding of what it means to write, and how I can channel such an ability into my future career. Although I have considered a career in Writing, I feel it will only be a hobby that I will take up later in life.

My other class focuses on the business industry, and what it means to be an entrepreneur. It states that many people who set out on the path of business ownership/leadership are too scared to take risks, and therefore do a bad job setting one up and running it properly. Business owners nowadays are too scared to attempt bringing their company to the next level.

I suppose I can use this blog as a way to exercise my writing muscle...I'll probably need help from the textbook too.

Ant-Sized

2012-05-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

Scientists estimate that the universe is approximately 12 to 14 billion years old, and that the earth is roughly 4.5 billion years old. That being said, we have a big problem...

Think of how small our earth is in relation to the size of the known universe. If the "big bang" is forcing the universe to expand constantly, that means we, theoretically speaking, are getting smaller by the second.

Now, think of our size and lifespan in comparison to the universe. We are, undeniably, complete assholes.

Why do we fight? What is a daily argument compared to 12 billion years of existence? It's quite literally a blink of an eye. I've always considered myself a pacifist, but when it comes to world peace, I couldn't be any more supportive. Oceans of blood have been spilled throughout our earth's existence, and entire races have been exterminated, but for what? For a small piece of power that quite literally means nothing in the long run.

The leaders of today need to take a look at the bigger picture. Through sheer nature alone, people change. They have different opinions of what's right and what's wrong, and they defend those opinions like a lioness defends her cub. If that is not complete and total naivety, I don't know what is. Perhaps it's an enlarged sense of entitlement that make people think everything they do is okay.

The fact of the matter is that life is over in a flash. Do what you can, when you can, and however you can. It's not a nuclear arms race, it's life. Yours could be over tomorrow.

That brings up another point:

What's the deal with reincarnation? Is it too crazy to think that we can just be..."born again"? Our life began in an instant...who's to say it's not possible for it to happen again?

New Beginnings

2012-05-02T21:41:00.001-07:00

The past 8 years of my life I've lived in this town. I know every which way around town like the back of my hand. I've had good times, bad times, and exceedingly illegal times. If it weren't for Meredith, I wouldn't be who I am today. Call me corny, but life changes you in ways you wouldn't necessarily understand at first.

I officially move out of Meredith in a week. Call me passionate, foolish, or even bat-shit crazy, but there is more to life than just Meredith. I want to experience what it's like to live with a woman you love. I've never done that before...

What's even more staggering is that my best friend Ryan has moved as of yesterday. He didn't even say goodbye; he just up and left. Not a word. After 8 or 9 years of friendship, he left without saying a single, solitary goddamn word.

I guess life has a way of making you feel small every once in awhile.

Let's consider this my first step into a new life.

Reality Check

2012-05-02T09:08:00.005-07:00

I'd say I had a fairly normal childhood, aside from my parents splitting up. My days would consist of getting up early, taking an hour-long shower, and barely catching the bus for school. My afternoons and nights consisted of coming home, watching TV, having dinner, avoiding doing my homework, and then going to bed.

While I don't watch much TV now, I watched a shitload of TV when I was young and stupid (I'm still kind of stupid, but that's not important). I'd plant myself on the couch, turn on the Cartoon Network, and watch Courage the Cowardly Dog until my eyes bled. I miss those days...

Now when I turn on the TV, they are either talking about Kim Kardashian or Jersey Shore. Let's talk about them, shall we?

First off, Kim Kardashian needs to be a little more grateful for what she has. She has a beautiful body, a gorgeous house to live in, lots of money to secure herself financially, and HAD a husband as of a couple months ago. When Chris and Kim left each other, or however the hell it happened, people started asking questions. Was their relationship even real? What happens to the sanctity of marriage after this? Was this all a big set up to get more news and TV coverage? Here's what I think:

Kim and Chris' relationship, if you could call it that, had two elements that were present at all times. First off, they literally couldn't be in the same room together for five minutes without a touchy subject being brought up. Whether it be Kim's abundance of clothes, Chris' muscle-bound jerkoff attitude, their living situation, their familiy, their friends, or some form of mental erosion, they literally could not shut the fuck up for two seconds. Kim's sense of entitlement to everything around her is more than enough to doom any sort of relationship with her, while Chris' pretty-boy looks make him a magnet for attractive women. Secondly, they shared their problems with everyone else. Suppose I had herpes...does that make me want to go tell every living soul on the planet that I have herpes? No.

I'm happy that they TRIED, but if you're going to spend millions of dollars on a wedding, get married, and then get divorced two or three months later, try doing it in a world that I don't live in. Kim and Chris being together is like trying to mix oil and water; you can stir things up a bit and make it APPEAR as though you are happy, but in the end, you'll end up apart faster than you were together.

Now on to Jersey Shore...

Jersey Shore is quite possibly the gayest show ever created. It's basically a reality show about a house full of steroid junkies and sluts that, by some form of divine assistance, have not perished in a tragic car accident yet. Their nightly routine remains the same for the entire running length of the show; they get all dolled up, throw on some tube skirts, put in their hair extensions, and go bar-hopping around town. Along the way, the steroid junkies pick fights with complete strangers, hook up with numerous girls at the same time, and get shit-faced drunk...yet they wonder why they have a black eye and a headache in the morning.

I think a halfway house displays more culture and attitude than the house all of these star-struck wannabe whores live in. And yes, I am calling Mike "The Situation" a whore.

Mike "The Situation" is also not as good-looking as he seems to think he is. Work on that fat-ass nose, dipshit...then we will talk. Also, you weren't funny on that Comedy Central Roast you did. Not funny at all.

Monday Sucks...

2012-04-30T07:33:00.002-07:00

I started taking a Personal Financial Management class a few months ago. Given my nature to procrastinate, I waited awhile before actually signing up for it. Unfortunately, when I showed up at school and got in line to register, I failed to predict that I would get stuck with the 9 AM class.

So, for the past 9 or 10 weeks of my life, I've been getting up at 8:25 every Monday morning to go to class. What makes it even worse is that math is involved, and math has never been a very strong subject for me. I'm doing okay so far; I've had some hiccups along the way, but nothing major. I'm usually awake and alert during class lectures, and the professor certainly isn't boring.

The point I'm trying to make about my class being held at an ungodly hour is that I'm not used to waking up early. As a matter of fact, I loathe getting out of bed any earlier than 10:30 in the morning. That's not to say that I'm lazy or that I go to bed too late at night, but rather to say that I generally do not like dealing with the bullshit that you all too often see on Mondays.

Here's a short list of some bullshit you might see on a Monday:

1. People generally suck at driving. In short, they drive like they ordered their license from a Chinese website.
2. Attitudes become volatile. The slightest inconvenience can push anyone over the edge of sanity.
3. Nobody likes to spend money on Mondays, effecting businesses around them.
4. In my circle of friends, nobody has any money on Mondays besides me...so I always end up loaning out
something or other until Friday when everyone gets paid, which effects my ability to live my own life.

What's the point of Monday? It is to remind everyone that they still have lives to attend to. Its purpose is to ease everyone back into the weekly routine that defines their lives...and it is also to remind everyone that life isn't perfect.

Mondays are basically the only day of the week where being an asshole to everyone else is entirely justified.

"I handle with care..."

2012-04-29T13:51:00.002-07:00

As a delivery driver for Pizza Hut, I meet a lot of people in my line of work. The one thing I've learned about being a delivery driver is that you have to accept something for what it is...for example, I delivered a pizza to a gentleman last week that called us back and said that his order was wrong. Now, before I get into the story, I want everyone to know that Pizza Hut double and triple checks every order to make sure its properly made with all the correct ingredients before we send it out the door. Thinking back on how many people we generally serve in a night, it's very rare to see someone unhappy with the pizza we give them.

So once the "Large Pan Supreme" was finished TO ORDER, I departed towards my delivery destination that was only a few miles away from our store.

Once I arrived, the customer immediately stepped outside to greet me and tell me that he made a mistake by calling us and having us make him an entirely new pizza. He explained, "I double-checked my pizza again, and noticed that the topping I wanted was buried under a layer of cheese, so I didn't see it."

So at this point, I'm fuming. I just brought a freshly-made pizza to a destination that was 3 miles away, and the guy clearly looks toasted as fuck (meaning he's high as a kite...for those of you who don't know what marijuana is). I literally wasted about a 1/4 gallon of gas driving pizza to a guy who can't even see straight.

The bill was $14.96...he hands me 15 dollars and says, "keep the change".

Driving back towards the store, I had an epiphany. I realized that I shouldn't expect some people to know better. I can't speak for them, and talk about their life experiences as if I lived them myself. People who don't tip weren't TAUGHT to tip. They care more about getting their food in perfect condition so they can stuff their faces with pizza that we bust our asses to make, rather than worry about leaving a decent tip. On top of that, I'm driving MY car into the damn ground in terms of mileage. Have you seen today's gas prices?

I legally and morally shouldn't say what I want to say about some people I meet, but on the off-chance that someone from my work reads this, I could probably get fired.

Let's just say one thing to sum everything up. There are two kinds of people in this world: the ones who tip, and the ones who don't. The ones who DO tip are generally happier as people. The ones who don't give off this aura of negativity that I'm sure a lot of people would shy away from, given the chance.

Just put yourself in my shoes for a second. Think about someone else before yourself for a change.

The Problem with America

2012-04-28T21:35:00.002-07:00

I've never considered myself a political person. When I think of politicians, I tend to think about something else right quick. They are pretentious, egotistical, and statistically speaking, about 95% of them lie. I suppose nobody ever thought that a politician could lie his way to the top without even batting an eye, and nobody ever thought that America, home of the free, could actually sit there asses down and think about the possibility of total warfare if we elect the wrong person. The current candidates, in my opinion, all suck. At this point, it's about picking the lesser of the evils...is that even going to be enough to save us all? Who knows.

What we also know to be a problem with America is obesity. Now, I personally know a lot of heavy-set women, and the problem that I see for them is the inability to simply just not eat shitty food. They'll be saying, "I guess it wouldn't hurt me to have this Big Mac meal". At that point, I just want to strangle them. How can you honestly say that? A Big Mac meal, at least since the last time I checked, has over 700 calories. Based on the average 2000-calorie diet, you're eating a little over 1/3 of your daily calorie intake. So if you buy a Big Mac meal, a few dozen chicken McTendfucks, two large McFlurrys, and two gallons of BBQ sauce, you've probably broken the calorie intake barrier just enough to clog your arteries that much faster, as if it wasn't enough already.

Now multiply a meal like that by 3 or 4, depending on how fat you are (no offense to fat people reading this blog...don't hate me. I have an opinion!). Suddenly, people are wondering how they got so fat. Some people say obesity is a disease, but I suppose most of those people are fat anyways...so it's counter-productive to think like that, fat people.

On the other hand, some fat people have a lot of spirit. For example, you may find yourself at a beach one day in the summertime, and you'll be enjoying the warm breeze kissing your body, the waves lapping the shoreline, maybe some kids building a sandcastle. Then you look to your left and see some fat chick with her bikini riding up her ass crack. You vomit...but life goes on. Fat people who are daring enough to even be seen with anything less than a full-body swimsuit certainly has some stones knocking between them thighs.

I suppose it's inappropriate to talk about other people like that, but opinions are what they are. If you don't like it, I suggest you look to the next person and ask their opinion on the subject. Guaranteed they will say everything I just said.

Guaranteed. Not joking. Ask them.

A New Perspective

2012-04-27T12:19:00.002-07:00

Hello again, world! Today, I officially purchased my own domain for my blog. I'm going to start blogging a lot more often from now on. I've certainly been away for too long, and everyone seems to think I should continue doing it. I'll admit; blogging has its perks. You're able to put your thoughts down on paper and not keep them locked inside you...so, I suppose you could say it's healthy to share your feelings.

I'm currently attending Lakes Region Community College for Business Management/Administration. I plan to open my own micro-brewery and distribute my homemade product to local convenience stores. Hopefully, with some time, investors will present themselves. I stopped by the Fermentation Station in Meredith the other day and purchasing a starter's brewing kit. It came with all the supplies needed to start my own batch, but I unfortunately haven't been able to find the time to brew it yet. I've been mostly preoccupied with school and work.

Now that summer is almost here, my girlfriend and I took a trip up to Pittsburg, NH with my Dad. He owns a piece of property on the First Connecticut Lake. It's a beautiful location; there aren't any boats on the water, hardly any pollution, and you can hear the loons calling all night long. Seeing as Verizon likes to take its sweet time getting some towers up there, we had no cell service...it's amazing how nice it is to be away from everyone for a few days. Stopping to smell the roses every once in awhile gives you a new perspective on life. You analyze everything more clearly. Your daily stresses don't bother you as much.

Lately, my life has been good. I love the things I'm learning in school. Life at home has been stressful from time to time, but I've gotten over most of the problems I've had. In the coming months, I plan to move in with my girlfriend. It's a very big step for me, and the first step of its kind that I've taken. I'm hoping that everything will work out according to plan, but as we all know far too well; some things just don't work out. We both are, however, optimistic that we can make it happen in the coming months. Money has been tight lately, but things are starting to look up. I've been taking a financial management course at college for the past few months, which will also give me the tools and the knowledge that will help me secure myself financially in the coming years of my life. If there was one class that I could recommend to almost anyone, it would be Personal Financial Management.

I also got a camera! Expect more photos in the upcoming blog posts! Thanks for reading, guys (and gals)!

You Threw Off My Groove!

2011-11-07T12:27:00.000-08:00

So, do you recall that so-called girlfriend that I said I had found? She turned out to be the most selfish, abrasive, no-good, downright nasty girl to have ever graced me with her presence. After all, true love is supposedly blind, and I most certainly was NOT in love. How do I know that? Well, it starts with the fact that I wasn't oblivious to her bullshit...in fact, I rather enjoyed letting her know what a piece of shit she really was. I also enjoyed telling her that all her previous relationships with other men, and future ones, were doomed to fail merely because she was so inexplicably selfish.

However, breaking up with her was most definitely a blessing in disguise, because not long afterwards, I met the most amazing girl I've ever had the good fortune to come across. She's financially secure, motivated, and is not afraid to express her love. She comes from a checkered past, but who doesn't? There's no need to focus on what has happened, but rather focus on what WILL happen. She enjoys most of the things I like to pass the time with, but we are different from each other...I suppose that's why it works so well. I've found the Yang to my Yin!

On a lighter note, things have been going well lately! I've managed to get back into the music scene by playing the drums for a band that a couple of friends and I started. It's mostly a cover band, but we were thinking of writing originals very soon. My summer job ended not too long ago, so I'm currently attempting to get another one, and hopefully soon...I'm becoming restless! Otherwise, I'm pretty sure that I've found my groove once more!

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Joke of the Day

A Man walks into a bar.

He walks up to the bartender and asks him for a glass of water.

The bartender pulls out a shotgun, and fires a single round of buckshot past the man's head.

The man says "Thank you", and leaves a tip for the bartender.

Why the thanks, and why the tip?

The man had the hiccups.

Moral of the story: through chaos, there is order.

Back into the Groove...

2011-07-21T17:53:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time since I've managed to find my way back into the blogging scene. I've certainly missed it, and I feel that my readers have missed it as well! Unfortunately for me, I've been quite busy with work, weddings, and my newly-found girlfriend! I can't even begin to stress how wonderful she is...she is kind, funny, compassionate, absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, and perhaps a little fiery, too! If she has something to say, she will say it, and not give a damn who listens! Obviously with any relationship, you'll find things about your loved one that may prove to be slightly distasteful, but in order for a true relationship to work, you have to look beyond the bad and focus on the good.

I've changed a lot in the past few months that I've been gone...I found a new job close by, which I thoroughly enjoy (go figure), and things in my life are beginning to shape up. I no longer get as angry as I used to about the stupidest shit. My anxiety problems have virtually vanished as well. My friends have always told me that it was all in my head, and I finally managed to convince myself of that.

My father FINALLY got married a few weeks ago in Manchester. We all had an awesome time, and I couldn't ask for anyone better to marry my Dad. I got mildly (and I'm putting this lightly) sunburned during our after-wedding weekend getaway, and I'm still peeling.

As for any other updates on my whereabouts and goings-on for the past few months, they will have to wait for another time! I'm glad to be back guys, and I hope we can collaborate further. :)

Awards are for Winners!

2011-03-31T11:22:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that the only two rewards that my blog has received are somewhat girlish in nature, but that doesn't really matter. At some point, I would certainly love to get a "manly" award to kind of even the odds. This "Cherry on Top" Award is for blogs that are beautiful and contain "that little bit extra". The rules for the award are definitely a little more tolerable, unlike the rules for the "Stylish Blogger" Award, which requires you to provide truthful information about yourself...but everyone has secrets. This time around, I need to link this post to the person who gave me the award, provide 3 things that I love about myself, and then pass on the award to five other bloggers whom I deem worthy enough to have it. So, without further ado, thank you Oilfield Trash for the inspirational gift! And now, I must delve deep into the inner workings of Jon in order to find something I like...shouldn't be too hard, but yes, I do have to dig deep...

1. I used to have a low tolerance for bullshit. There would be times when I was so stressed, that it literally caused me to have headaches. But nowadays, I've become more patient and understanding. I love my ability to adapt to every situation, and at times, I don't even feel stressed when I normally should be. However, if the stress and worry were to somehow get through to me, I would most likely have a panic attack.

2. I love my voice. I took chorus for 8 years when I was in school, and you can usually find me singing in the car or in the shower. I literally laugh at the people who try to sing, but really can't. It's quite possibly one of the funniest things in the world.

3. I can't say that I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, but I do have a thirst for it. Much like actually drinking something, you will eventually have to stop, otherwise you'll piss your brains out. I love that I have that thirst, because I've seen some pretty stupid people, and I feel bad that they don't have that. Curiosity is definitely one of my strong points.

And as always, we come down to the hard part: handing the award off to other bloggers...

Blogging with Authority

Stranger than Fiction

FACS Teacher Jenna

Erratic Questions About a Simple Life

Rules of Life

And there yah have it! My first successful completion of the rules!

No joke today, ladies and gentlemen...sorry. :-(

Movie Review #5 - "Bob the Butler"

2011-03-28T23:07:00.000-07:00

Tom Greene has been made famous for his wacky sense of humor, his crude language, and more or less him being different than most people. Movies like "Freddy Got Fingered" will go down in history as being unimaginably inappropriate, but the fact remains that most, if not all, actors and actresses today still have the sense of what makes a movie good.

Brooke Shields stars as the supporting actress, and in the film she has two children that drive her insane with their rebelliousness. Tom Greene stars as Bob, a man who just wants to find a job that he is good at. After he demolishes one job, he flips through the yellow pages in alphabetical order to find his next job, hoping that it is the one he actually doesn't suck at. And that's how he becomes a "Butler"...

This movie literally shattered my expectations that Tom Greene would suck at portraying a semi-serious role. There were funny parts in the film as usual, but the film still had what I would call a "moral tone"; there were points where I was laughing, and others where I was actually enticed by the connection between Tom Greene and Brooke. They both shared a love for children, even though they both would get caught up in their work in ways that didn't allow much room for a healthy social life. It really is odd how some actors and actresses could totally suck at one point in their careers, and then blow audiences away at another. For example, take Leo DiCaprio. I thought his acting totally sucked ass in Titanic, but he has grown up tremendously since then.

In closing, you can't really judge someone until you've seen both sides of the coin. This may in fact be the beginning of an honest career for Tom Greene.

I rate this movie a 6 out of 10.

Exit Strategies

2011-03-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

Often enough, we encounter a proverbial "wall"...the kind of wall that impedes the movement forward, whether it be with a relationship, a job promotion, or life itself. I've literally spent countless hours of my life trying to discern where exactly I was going, and who I'd be taking along for the ride. The well-known proverb "life is a roller-coaster" is perhaps the most truthful precept I've come to know. One could accurately compare different points of a roller-coaster ride with that of life itself. For example, when you hop into the front of the rail car all excited and in an anticipatory mood, aren't you glad that the metal bars that hold you in place lock you in automatically? The same goes with life...there's NO way you're getting off the ride. Sure, there are ways to beat the system, although most, if not all of them, usually end in death.

Once the rail car starts moving, you're thinking to yourself that this ride could go a little faster. You need to get to your destination in a timely manner, after all. Your car begins to climb a large slope, moving ever so closer to the peak. At this point in the ride, you're starting to think, "Okay, I can handle this. I'm just going to let life run its course and take me where it wants to."

Then you reach the top of the incline and you're suddenly able to see everything around you. Then you look in front of you at the drop that awaits you, and you say to yourself, "Oh shit..."

The rest of the ride consists of ups, downs, fast points, slow points, scary points, ordinary points...and then you finally reach the end. Once the ride is over, you may want to ride it again, or you may not. Unfortunately, you notice the line is WAY too long to even see yourself taking another ride.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that once you get on the ride, you're not getting off; not unless you find some way to unstrap yourself. We humans, when faced with something we don't understand, can sometimes have suicidal tendencies. I've known a few people in my life that have had these feelings; some of them were close to me. I personally have never felt like I wasn't needed or wanted in my life...yes, there were times when I wanted to simply be alone for the sheer fact that other people annoyed the hell out of me, but I've never actually been so low as to consider suicide. Even if I had been, there were definitely times where I could have killed myself, but those days are in the past now.

I know suicides can be a touchy subject, so I'll refrain from talking about them too much. On a lighter note, my Dad will be home in a total of 43 days. He may come home to snow on the ground, which I would not be at all surprised about. Everyone's saying the first day of spring has already passed...and yet it's still snowing.

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Joke of the Day

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Tailoring Reality

2011-03-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

Here I am once again down in Massachusetts visiting Jeff and his girlfriend Gabby, whom are engaged to be married in August of this year. It's easy to accept that my kin is about to be married, and I couldn't be happier for either of them. I've noticed that in the past Jeff has had his fair share of shitty girlfriends, ranging from your average crazy goth chick (no offense to completely normal goth chicks, if they exist), to semi-old looking younger women. It's weird how you'll sometimes meet girls that say they are in their 20's, but their body completely disagrees with them. They show bags under their eyes and creases along their body in places that shouldn't show creases until you're 50. Now that Jeff has laid the past to rest and continued to better his life and the lives of others around him, I can finally say that he's happier than he's been in a long time.

Tomorrow, Jeff and I have an appointment to see a tailor in order to properly size our wedding outfits. This will be the first time that I've actually worn a tailored-to-my-size wedding outfit. Jeff picked out an ensemble that has a black jacket and pants, with a sky blue vest. Granted he would probably look better in red, seeing as he has red hair, but it's his wedding; his choice.

After we finish there, we were planning on going to the St. Patrick's day parade, which coincidentally doesn't fall on St. Patrick's day, but seeing as they have invested pretty much all of their money in the wedding, we decided against it. Personally, I didn't really feel that it was necessary that we go into Boston and get stuck in hours worth of traffic just to get trampled by a drunken mob. I prefer to drink and enjoy it, not get hurt by it.

On my way back into New Hampshire, I hit a bit of traffic along the way. Nothing too serious, but I still hate traffic regardless of its intensity. When you're in Massachusetts, you'll notice that a lot of the times people will hit the brakes and slow down simply because they spotted a cop, or perhaps saw a vehicle broken down on the side of the road. Hell, people will slow down simply because someone is walking along the side of the highway. Those are three very stupid, if not irrelevant reasons to hit the brakes on your car. If it was a cop, wouldn't you want to maintain your speed to avoid looking guilty?

As for my job situation, it hasn't changed yet. I've applied to a couple more places that suit my experience, and I'm still waiting to hear from them. If all goes well, which I'm hoping it will, then I should have a job by the end of the month.

I'm counting down the days until Spring actually appears like it exists! Apparently the first day of spring was yesterday, but seeing as it's snowing outside right now, I'm gonna have to call bullshit.

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Joke of the Day

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

"Please List Any Gaps Between Your Job History"...

2011-03-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

Why doesn't money grow on trees?

At this point, I really wish money grew on trees. I applied to another job today, and I'm supposed to hear back from them by next Tuesday, although I'm still somewhat skeptical of whether or not I'll get the position. The sign outside the store said "Apply on Tuesdays at 3 PM only!", so when I walked in, I was greeted by 10 other applicants who had beaten me to the punch. After speaking with the manager, I determined that there were a limited number of positions available within certain departments. The manager seemed like a cool guy, though. Even after submitting my application and watching a few others interview with him, my spirits were raised a bit simply because half the applicants were generally just fuckin' stupid. One guy had his pants hanging down around his ass with a bandanna around his head like he was in some street gang. I thought gang members didn't believe in jobs? They only believe in jail.

One of the guys I also saw at the interview was severely handicapped. Now, as far as jobs go, I'm well aware that there are firm laws against not hiring somebody on account of them being handicapped, but there are just some people that don't have the mental capacity to work. Just watching him kind of made me feel sorry for him...I was convinced that he had some sort of hearing problem because the manager had to repeat himself on multiple occasions. The kid had glasses that were big enough to see into the future, and his pants were hiked up so they practically covered his belly-button. I feel like shit for even mentioning this, but I don't think he's going to get the job. In order to hire him, the manager would need to purchase a bullhorn, and a rather large magnifying glass.

I unfortunately have a certain line that I won't cross when looking for jobs; I won't clean up after old people, I won't sit in a chair and stare at a computer screen talking to people all day (go figure), and I most certainly won't want a job that is too far away. My Stepfather continues to badger me with these failed notions that I'm supposed to broaden my horizons; easy for him to say...he HAS a job.

Has anybody ever filled out an application that asks you to state the gaps in your job history? I find it hard to take that question seriously. I'm willing to bet that some smart-ass will come along and say, "Yeah, uh...the 16 years from when I was born to now." Just food for thought.

As for the other applicants that I witnessed the other day, only one stood out as a kid that has good work ethic; he came in with a shirt and tie, stood up straight, shook the manager's hand firmly, and clearly stated the answers to the manager's questions. I don't deny that he has a solid chance of landing the job...I unfortunately didn't realize that the first interviews were to take place within minutes of you walking in the door for the first time, and that being said, failed to shave beforehand. I felt like a total ass.

So, my fingers are crossed. It may be minimum wage, but little money is better than no money!

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Joke of the Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

I Ache...From Everything

2011-03-11T21:55:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to find myself in an immense state of ache and pain. I had a pounding headache, my ankles hurt, and my joints were sore. I have no idea why or how I've managed to stay together for this long, but it's no secret that I'm slowly falling apart. I have no REAL job (I only work part-time for my Dad's business), no constant income to support myself, I'm slowly gaining weight (but trying to work it off), my Mom and Step-father continue to tell me things I already know, and my anxiety continues to build on me. I can't really do much of anything without a job, but job's are becoming increasingly harder to find, especially when we've got so many illegal immigrants coming into our country and stealing all of the work.

All I've really been able to do lately is sit on my ass and look for jobs online. My Mom brings me the daily newspaper with all the job listings that I may be interested in circled for me. She gets out of work around 5 at night, so by the time I actually SEE the listings and call them about it, the positions have already been filled. You might be asking "Well, why the hell don't you go out and get a paper YOURSELF?"...because I've run out of gas to do things like take joyrides down into town and pick up newspapers. My Mom comes home, I scan the help wanted ads, and the next day becomes irrelevant because nothing ever comes from calling the employers. My Mom has always said, "The jobs are not going to come knocking on your door"...I really, really wish they would, because knocking on THEIR doors doesn't seem to be working. Besides that, I always hear my Step-father say "Why don't you go out and look for jobs tomorrow". Now, notice I didn't put a question mark at the end of his statement. That's because he doesn't ask, he tells. I hear no please, no thank you, and no attempt to acknowledge that I have feelings and that I was brought up to use manners like the rest of society. Even if you haven't used them before, it's never too late to start, much less learn about them.

What I need is an online job. I wouldn't mind writing reviews for restaurants or marketing companies; at least then I would be able to put my mind to something I actually enjoy doing.

I can't imagine how long I've typed on a keyboard. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I developed Carpal Tunnel in the future. Interestingly enough though, sometimes I wake up to burning wrists. When I was a child, I broke my wrist. It was a clean break, but it hurt like hell. My Mother always told me that when the doctors set it back into place, the nurses from the entire wing came running in because they had never heard someone scream that loud before. Years after my wrist fully healed, it would get sore at times. Sometimes it will crackle when I move it the wrong way; that, coupled with Carpal Tunnel, would surely drive me over the edge.

In conclusion, they don't really make or have enough Aleve in this world that I can consume in order for me to feel like I wasn't just run over by a mack truck, both physically and mentally.

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Joke of the Day

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"

The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."

So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other

zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are."

The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, 'Yo is what yo is'."

Time to Get Back Into the Swing of Things

2011-03-08T14:12:00.000-08:00

I sincerely apologize to all of my readers for my lack of posting...to be honest, my PS3 has consumed my life once again. For all intents and purposes, I shall continue trying to make each and every one of you laugh...that's what the "Joke of the Day" is for, but I don't think the humor stops there.

My past few days have been fairly uneventful since I came back from Massachusetts. I was visiting my Bro and his soon-to-be-wife Gabby. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I'm feeling constricted or bored, I can just hop in my car and take a ride down there to visit! Me and Jeff literally used to hate each other...but I suppose it's true what they say: time heals all wounds.

So Saint Patrick's day is coming up...good god, that day will be a shit-show. I plan on getting extremely inebriated, walking back to the car, and not remembering a single moment of it. I think everyone I know will have a similar experience, at least they should. If you don't drink on St. Pattie's day, you have a serious problem...you don't need to be Irish to have fun. On St. Pattie's day, everyone is Irish!

My Bro and I, including Gabby, plan to go into Boston on St. P's day in order to attempt getting drunk. Knowing Boston, however, we will hardly be able to move on account of everyone being in the goddamn way. Guaranteed we will hardly even be able to walk on the sidewalk without getting run down by some underage punk that just did too many shots too quick.

I kinda wish I had a beer right now...

Anyways, I'm still alive folks! I've just been a little distracted lately. I have ADD, so don't hate on me.

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Joke of the Day

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison."

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Duplicates, Duplicates

2011-03-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

So I logged on this morning to find I received another award! Granted, it's one I already have, but nevertheless, it still makes me happy!

The rules are as follows: I must link this post to the person who gave me the award. Thank you to PencilGirl for the "Stylish Blogger Award"! I know I'm bold, but I didn't know I had style...

The second rule is that I have to tell 7 truthful things about myself. Seeing as I've already posted 7 truthful things about myself in my previous award post, I'll have to come up with some new facts:

1. I'm a pajama guy. If I'm not going outside, I walk around in my pajamas for the entire time I'm stuck inside.

2. For me, cooking is a second nature. I took multiple culinary classes in school, and I always helped my Dad do his cooking when I was younger. I can make a mean chicken noodle soup from scratch, and have it disappear in under an hour. Guaranteed. I'll send out the recipe if requested.

3. I will never buy an American-made car. Ever. I have acronyms for each of the car companies, such as Ford; Fast Only Rolling Downhill. Another good one is Dodge; Dead On Day Guarantee Expires. All the cars I've owned are of Japanese make.

4. When I was younger, my brother and I used to go to a place called "The Imagination Station" (no, it's not the TV show). It was located in the next town over. One day, me and a friend of mine were playing Tag. In order to get away, I ended up jumping off a high wooden structure that one could describe as a balcony, and I ended up breaking my wrist. I wish I had pictures of it...it was rugged.

5. When I was younger, I shot my brother in the leg with a BB gun. My parents ended up canceling a vacation trip we had planned because of it. My bad...

6. I used to play dress-up when I was a youngun...my favorite dress-up character was "The Shadow". I'm not sure if anyone has seen that movie from the 90's, or even heard that it used to be a radio show a long time ago. The get-up was a black fedora, black trenchcoat, a red silk scarf around the face, and a black cape. Don't laugh...seriously, don't laugh.

7. I'm a guitar hero master. I play on expert level all the time. My specialty is Guitar Hero: Metallica.

The third rule that comes with receiving the award is that I have to give the award to fifteen other bloggers. I royally failed at finding 15 blogs the last time I received this award, and I doubt it will be different this time:

Jeff over at Blogging with Authority - He's my bro, so naturally, I have to show some love.

Gabby over at Stranger than Fiction - She's my sis-in-law, and her blog truly deserves this award...your welcome Gabby!

Wow...I thought I would have more people to bring this award to, but it turns out that after days of searching for good blogs, they all turned out to be family blogs. Seriously...where are all the bloggers that don't give a shit? I'm a total failure. Besides, I have plenty of things on my mind...reading and following more blogs than I want to would just make me feel squished.

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Joke of the Day

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Above Average

2011-03-02T11:14:00.000-08:00

A lot of the time, you may notice a significant change in a person. They would normally try to hide them, but the subtle differences are still there. They appear almost like a thin blanket of fresh snow on the ground; barely visible, but clearly a sign of things to come.

I learned yesterday that Average Girl was discontinuing her blog. I can't stress enough how much I'm saddened to see her leave, and I can only imagine it's for the best. Some things in this world are stressful enough to push someone to their breaking point. I'm not suggesting that she is broken in any way, but rather pointing out that if she was to continue blogging, she would no doubt reach that point sooner or later. Clearly there were some underlying reasons when she decided to quit her blogging career, and I can't even begin to guess as to what they were. Nor would I. I consider myself an honorable person, and I won't betray her feelings.

Much like Average Girl, I've learned the value of blogging. It's a gateway to new feelings and friendships, and it seems to be taken for granted more often than not. I've read some blogs that others have created, and some of them have brought into the light a new perspective on life. The old saying is true: try to put yourself in someone else's shoes for awhile in order to see the hardships of life through their eyes (or shoes). After awhile, you'll realize that life itself is finite, and you only have so much time to do the things you want to do, without having to worry about the smaller things. I was 10 years old like...last week for god's sake. I'm 23, soon to be 24 in June, and I have seen some pretty crazy shit in my life. Sometimes though, you can't help yourself when you want to take a step back from all that has happened and really take a look around.

In retrospect, Average Girl has had an entirely too horrible past month. I won't go into any details because it's not my place to do so, but I understand how she feels right now. Sooner or later, we all reach that thin line when two things blur together, similar to a love/hate relationship.

I try not to go too far into uncharted territory for fear of being eaten alive. I'm a pessimist at heart; if anything bad can happen, I anticipate it. Here I go again...talking about myself when I tried to make this post about Average Girl. I'll stop now!

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Joke of the Day

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now, " said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them, " said the lawyer.
"But I did send them, " said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand, " said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

The Truth About "Gateway" Computers

2011-02-28T10:53:00.000-08:00

When my Dad lived in Gilmanton, NH, he owned a Gateway computer for the longest time. My Dad is the kind of guy that will buy only the best of the best, and it doesn't matter how much he spends on it. When the original iPhone came out, he bought it. When the first DVD player came out, he bought it, even though he had to buy a surround sound system with it too. However, when he bought his Gateway computer, which "appeared" to be the best of the best at the time, it ended up being the most problematic electronic device he and I had ever encountered, and here's why...

First off, Gateway likes to do things their own way. They don't stick to the normal routine like other well-known computer companies such as Dell, HP and Acer. A friend of mine told me that there are three tiers of computer systems: Tier 1, Tier 2 and Tier 3. Tier 3 has high-end computer components, and buys the best parts to make the best computers. A well-known computer company that uses high-end components is Apple. You won't find many of their computers to be anything less than $1000, and I've even seen some Apple computers costing more than $5000. Tier 2 computers have average parts and average prices. Tier 2 computers have a great track record, and usually don't fail unless you're doing something wrong. Well-known Tier 2 computer companies are Dell, HP, Compaq and Acer.

Tier 1 computers have the shittiest parts, are sold for more than they are worth, and tend to break down more often than you want them to. Gateway computers fall under the first tier.

Getting back to the story, my Dad's Gateway computer had a myriad of problems. Constant BSODs (Blue Screen of Death), driver errors, virus problems and disc drive problems. Sometimes, I would literally have to get a butter knife and pull the disk tray open because the button no longer worked. Dad ended up reformatting the entire hard drive multiple times, and still had problems afterwards. Somehow a virus had worked its way into the hard drive partition, so even when he restored his computer to its factory settings, it would always have a virus to welcome him when he started it back up.

As the days went on, he gradually began to hate Gateway and every product they put out.

Something funny happened with my friend Ryan the other day while I was up in Maine visiting him. Ryan owns a Gateway computer, which he bought a couple years ago. He payed the same amount for his computer that I did for mine. Being an avid gamer, he later updated his graphics card to support better visual effects. Little did he know that if you change the factory specifications on a Gateway computer, including the graphics card, it voids the warranty entirely.

When it came time for Ryan to experience the same thing that happened to my Dad (viruses, BSODs, slow start-ups), he wanted to reformat his hard drive much like my Dad had done multiple times. Not listening to a single word I said about the subject, he went ahead and contacted Gateway customer support online. They have a chat system that enables faster customer satisfaction, rather than waiting for an e-mail reply or sitting on the phone for 10 fucking hours.

The first person he chatted with was a foreigner. I couldn't even begin to try and remember his name, much less even try to pronounce it. Fahan-Hazul Ahmed Jabar or whatever...let's just call him Jabar. Jabar immediately started the conversation by stating his name and saying hello - I would expect nothing less - and then proceeded to acquire the different types of information required to proceed with the customer support (name, purchase date, etc.). The last thing Jabar asked for was the serial number on the side of the computer tower....big problem. Ryan had moved all of the computer components into a new tower when he switched graphics cards. The serial number was, for lack of a better word, unavailable.

Ryan then realized that he had left his computer case at his house in Meredith, so he decided to call his Mom at 11:30 at night to try and get the number. After explaining the situation to Jabar, I told him that Ryan was attempting to acquire the serial number. 30 minutes passed, and we still had not gotten the number so that Jabar could do his job. Jabar grew frustrated, told us he had helped to the best of his ability, and then left chat. In my personal opinion, he DIDN'T help to the best of his ability, because if that was the case, he would have stayed in chat.

After Ryan had got the serial number, we tried the chat system again. Another foreigner answered the call. We will call this man Ohmar, simply because he had a name that I couldn't pronounce, yet again. I thought to myself, "Wow...computer companies are more willing to hire people who just need a job, and whom don't know shit about computers than to hire people who do."

Ohmar was ten times better than the first support tech. He was polite, courteous, sincere...I actually felt like he was helping the way a support tech should. We gave him the serial number, and he immediately told us that the computer was out of warranty, but that he could still help Ryan seeing as he was a Gateway customer. Ohmar told Ryan that he could use his Windows 7 Upgrade disk to simulate a disk wipe.

After we had left chat with Ohmar, we made a discovery. Directly under the hyperlink that led to support chat was another hyperlink labeled "Auto-acquire your Serial Number"...wow Jabar...you did a great job at helping us find that serial number.

I know this post may be entirely boring to someone who is not computer savvy, but this post just further proves that sometimes people are not fit to do a certain job, and that some computer companies shouldn't exist. Period.

I just hope that you don't own a Gateway, because if you do, it's only a matter of time before it shits the bed.

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Joke of the Day

Little Johnny's Letter to Santa

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!

WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely,

Johnny

Yet Another Post About Snow

2011-02-25T12:52:00.000-08:00

I'm sure many of you are wondering why I haven't been posting as often as I want to, and its name is PS3. A truly amazing machine...plus, I don't really think you want to hear about how much snow we have been getting these past couple of days. Right now, it looks to be about half a foot outside.

I am really sick and tired of talking about snow...the only real thing that we can love about it is that it's white, and that means it will be hard for an Albino to be seen in it. But after awhile, the cars that travel down the road will kick up all the road grime and mud, and spray it all over the beautiful white. Then it just looks like shit.

After a few months of blogging, I've run out of things about snow that I can officially complain about. I can't even write a goddamn sentence about snow without stopping to think about what I'm going to say. After all, I'm a heavy complainer, and I'm usually much better at it than anyone else, but that's really only because I'm cynical. I tend to think the worst about practically everything. Murphy's law states that anything that can happen, will happen. I suppose you could say that I live by Murphy's law.

Taking my previous statement into consideration, and looking outside at the snow coming down, I'd say I'm not wrong in my assumptions.

It's supposed to gradually shift from just snow to sleet over the next few hours. I was originally committed to go visit my brother down in Massachusetts on Wednesday, but aside from the fact that I had been driving for the entire weekend, and that it made me somewhat tired, I wasn't really prepared to take another 2 hours out of my life to drive down to the shittiest state in the US. The weather forecast says that tomorrow is going to be nice and warm, so I figured tomorrow was the better day to go and see my brother.

I honestly cannot wait for Spring. Just having to wear a short-sleeved shirt and no jacket or sweatshirt is comforting. Plus, I love watching the life spring back into the foliage around my home. The snow melts and provides the much-needed water for the plants to grow, and green begins to show. It's rather peaceful, and I'd be content with staying outside and watching all of it come to life once again.

Yeah, I know...it's all sappy and full of heart, but even the worst of us still has something that calms him down. Sorry, folks...not much of a post, I know, but I promise something better the next time.

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Joke of the Day

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Viking's Blood

2011-02-20T18:37:00.000-08:00

I apologize for not writing as often as I wanted to, but the job hunt has come to the proverbial "halt", on account of my application for a publishing company getting turned down. I actually applied to the company more than two weeks ago, and every time I called they said they were still reviewing applications. I received a letter in the mail from the publishing company saying that they had reviewed my application, and that because of the high volume of applicants, they couldn't give me a job. However, they also mentioned that they would keep my application on file for a later date. Semi-good news, I suppose. Anyways, I'd like to move on to the main attraction of tonight's post...

Nestled behind the 7-11 on Saco Ave. in Old Orchard Beach, Maine, is a little-known bar/restaurant called "Jimmy the Greeks". When you walk in, you are immediately greeted by two or three hotter-than-normal young ladies asking if you want a bar seat, a booth or a table. After scanning your surroundings, you want a bar seat...guaranteed. The bar has over 30 beers on tap, 40 beers in a bottle, and their beer menu is two full-length pages consisting of several different types of drafts and bottled beer, all different classifications; IPAs, Belgium Whites, Meads, Domestics, Imports, and many other types of alcohol I would literally spend half of my day describing.

After scanning the beer menu for something that sounded tasty, I noticed on the back page that there was a small enclosed section of beers labeled "Special Beers". One thing that these beers had in common was that none of them had an alcohol content that was less than 10%. Your normal, average beer is around 4-7% alcohol.

After inspecting this "Special" menu further, I noticed a mead at the bottom called "Viking's Blood"...wanna take a guess as to how much alcohol there was inside? 19%....sold. Me and Ryan chatted with the bartender after we ordered as to the inner workings of the Viking's Blood. He said that it was a special distillation process that made it so rich...it is distilled with honey, and supposedly dates back a few hundred years...at least the recipe does.

Ryan and I had honestly not been that drunk at a bar before in our entire drinking careers. We each had at least 6 beers...we also sampled two - I honestly can't remember exactly how many beers we had, but it was enough to ensure that the past 5 hours had not happened whatsoever.

I needed to forget the previous 5 hours, because in that time I had pretty much cleaned out my entire bank account by purchasing a Playstation 3, purchasing a pizza, taking care of the bar tab and ensuring my survival as a human being. My liver is probably hating my friggin' guts right about now, but there comes a time when it should just shut the hell up and take it like a man.

As for this past weekend's events, I can say that I've had a splendid time, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. For those of you that had an extraordinary weekend like me; cheers and safe driving!

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Joke of the Day

To My Loving Wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Shelly

Women...can't live with 'em, can't hide from them.

2011-02-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

As my title implies, this post is going to be about women. I figured it was high-time I talked about our PMS'ing counter-parts the same way they talk about us men all the time. Now, let's start off with one simple fact that relates to all humans: nobody is fucking perfect. Time and time again I see women all pissed off and livid at how men in their lives are the cause of all their problems. Lets take a step back and look at the situation from afar:

1. Is it REALLY their fault, or are you just too quick to judge? Try putting the blame on yourself.

2. There are a lot of things that can happen between you and your man that others have already experienced. It's not like you're any different from them, yet you act like you've been singled out.

3. Men are assholes a lot of the time; I get that...but are ALL of them the same? Certainly not.

4. There are points in a man's life where he himself blames the women for his troubles. At this point, men and women are like cats and dogs: they just aren't going to get along any time soon, and there is no use trying.

5. Quite possibly the most important truth ever is this: crying about your problems aren't going to solve them! Get off your fat ass and deal with it like an actual grown-up. If you can't, you're clearly not an adult, and won't be treated like one. Grow the fuck up.

When we find ourselves in another relationship, more often than not we tend to look for flaws right off the bat. Is he good-looking enough? Is she a bitch at heart? Does he shower regularly? Is she clingy? Many things are going through our heads at the start of the relationship. Too often, people are blinded by the bad things when seeing the good is all that matters.

For example, I know I'm not the best-looking guy on the planet, but I also know that some women don't care. It's awfully hard to find a woman that would rather date a self-less, caring, compassionate Sasquatch than to date a selfish, disobedient, non-compliant, good-looking asshole. Seriously ladies; if you're THAT worried about what your gene pool is going to look like when you mate with godzilla, then maybe you wish life was like the movie GATTACA, where you could pick the traits of your offspring. Good looking men are not always saints, and it's hard for guys like me to be in the dating business when all the assholes and rich boys are picking up girls left and right.

The dating scheme is flawed in so many ways that I care to mention.

I've noticed something rather peculiar in women. The last time I went to the bar, there was a group of rather good-looking women talking to a group of guys off in the corner. Maybe they knew each other, and maybe they didn't, but one thing stood out to me: what is it about the way men talk to women that makes them better than other men? Charisma can go a long way in business moves, but when it comes to women, all you really have to do is pay attention to them. Don't stare at their boobs or fiddle with your cell phone, pretending that you're paying attention. The group of men that were chatting with the women were feeling them up, staring at their chests, offering them drinks, and more or less making a fool of themselves.

I know for a FACT that I wouldn't be caught DEAD feeling up a girl, or shoving drinks down their throat. There has to be some switch that women can flick on and off that make them disregard what's really going on around them. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the guy clearly wants to get you in bed (on the other hand, it is true what they say about most men: they daydream about sex almost 24/7), and that he's trying to get you drunk to make it easier for him.

I thought dating was supposed to be about the challenge that two people face together: whether or not they can handle being around each other for more than 2 hours without picking a fight. It seems that dating, or "courting" in the olden-days, has changed dramatically over the past few years. Nothing is ever simple anymore; if a guy is conversing with you, that means he just wants sex, right? Wrong. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would talk to a girl because I was generally interested in who she is, what she does, and who she is interested in. If there is a girl that I know is out of my league, I won't talk to her at all.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is hard enough without girls and guys bitching about their significant others all the time. If it doesn't work out, then move onto the next one, leave that guy in the dust, and branch out. Don't look for just the good-looking rich boys, but also for the ones who were left behind. They have feelings too, and it hurts when you won't even give them an explanation as to why you're not interested.

This is not necessarily a spite post, but rather an epiphany that I had the other day. This is an all-points-bulletin, shouting out to the people of the world. Grow up, people, and give others a chance to try and make you happy. Spread your wings. Meet other guys and girls. Don't seclude yourself to a "type". There is no fucking "type".

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Joke of the Day

If Men Had Vaginas

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic examination and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

AND the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up and had a vagina:

1. Finally find that DAMNED G-SPOT!

Movie Review #4 - "I Spit On Your Grave"

2011-02-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

You just have to ask yourself one question, ladies: if you were a young novelist, alone in the woods trying to get some work done, and 5 guys showed up and raped you, what exactly would you do to them for revenge? If I was a woman, and something like this happened to me, I would do anything in my power to make sure those guys got what they deserved. Needless to say, this movie depicts quite well what someone like that deserves.

For those who are faint of heart, I would not, under any circumstances suggest watching this movie. Not only is the rape scene(s) completely horrifying and intense (there were points where I had to look away), but the torture scenes are even more so. This woman clearly shows nothing but lividity and spite for these unsuspecting men. No torture scene is even remotely the same, with such instruments like fish hooks, bear traps, chemicals, pliers, hedge cutters, and shotguns being used to literally bring these men to their breaking points.

The sad part about the movie is that these things happen all the time. Not necessarily the torture and death, but the raping. Women and men all around the world are constantly subject to the stark nature of sexual abuse and harassment. If only there was something we could do to end it all...

So before you actually watch this movie, please take into consideration that the movie is extremely graphic. It's hard to watch a lot of parts, but ultimately in the end, everyone get's their due.

This girl surely brings the hate...

I rate this movie a 8 of 10.

Nothing Like an Award to Bring Your Mood Up!

2011-02-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

Here it is, folks...my very own "Stylish Blogger Award"! I can honestly say that I have not received many awards in my lifetime; I was never into sports or any competitions, nor did I feel I deserved one for any specific reason. My thanks to Ms Jenna over at FACSTeacherJenna for her giving nature...I would not have the pleasure of such things without her help!

The rules of the award, however, somewhat remind me of middle school ("whisper, whisper, whisper...pass it on"). First, I have to link to the person who gave me the award, which I did above. Secondly, I must tell seven truthful things about myself, which I will do now:

1. I love music. I can't live without it, and if there is no music playing, it's a sure sign that I'm either busy, or something is wrong. Rap, however, does not fall into the list of things I love. As I've always said; "You can't spell crap without rap."

2. I...HATE...being told what to do. I'd much rather figure out how and when to do something myself. This does not mean I don't like to do things for others, but rather if someone wants me to do something, they should use the words "please" and "thank you". If you don't use those EXACT words, I'll take my goddamn time to do it.

3. I have a pair of boxers with monkeys on them. I think I was a monkey in a past life.

4. As I may have mentioned in previous posts, I have 3 tattoos. Two on my left arm/shoulder, and one on my chest. All three mean something significant to me, but I won't give away the secret to just anyone...

5. I cannot get enough of Sushi. A long time ago, I used to hate the smell, the taste, even the look of sushi...but taste buds, smell buds, and eye buds change through time.

6. I used to be heavily into Dungeons & Dragons. No joke. Call me a geek or a nerd if you want, but the game rocked my world. It is a highly underrated social game that has been around since the 70's...if you get a chance, and don't mind showing your true geek/nerd self, try it. You may just like it!

7. If any dish/silverware/glass has even a speck of the previous food and/or drink stuck to it, I won't use it, and I'll wash it. I'm very anal when it comes to cleanliness. I used to take culinary classes, and one of the first things we covered was sanitation and proper food storage, so when I find a nice piece of cheese stuck to the plate when it comes out of the wash, I nearly throw up in my mouth, then reach for the soapy sponge.

Now that you know some things about me, the third rule of receiving the award is that I have to pass it on to 10 other bloggers whom I deem worthy. I'm not sure that I even know 10 bloggers who HAVEN'T received it before, but I'll do my best.

1. Hannah at Erratic Questions About a Simple Life - Vivid, sexy, and down-right unruly; these words can be used to describe this Mommy from the Mid-West.

2. Oilfield Trash at Make Daddy a Sammich - Okay, this dude is seriously funny. Not just any kind of funny, but more like that slightly inappropriate kinda funny.

3. Not the Hero at Rules of Life - Simply put, this guy knows about women. He even has his own page that pertains to the rules of dating. Excellent blogger.

4. J. Rabbit at Jessica Rabbit's Corner - I can't even begin to tell you which I've done more; stare at the pictures on her blog, or actually reading her posts! If you like books, refer to this woman for advice!

I'll need to do some more searching for worthy blogs, but these should do for now! I'll update this post as I find more. Until next time, people: safe flying!

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Joke of the Day

Men are like ceramic tiles - if you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!