BoldHeartMama

A Wild Patience Has Taken Me This Far

2017-11-25T08:56:00.000-08:00

A wild patience has taken me this far. … —Adrienne Rich

When Winslet was born she was so tiny. There is no way to convey just how small and fragile she was. I have searched through every photo I own to find a few, or even just one, that really puts her in perspective but I have nothing.

6 hours old

Maybe I never will be able to separate what a 25 week fetus at 2 lb., 12.5 in. is in real life, from what it is to a new mother flooded with fear and grief, devastated by such a cruel beginning.

1 day old

I wasn't ready to let her go even though my body did, and I wasn't ready to share her just because she had been born. I needed to protect her still, if not by my physical body then in some small way because we were both profoundly vulnerable. Burdened beneath a respirator, umbilical lines, monitor wires, and tape, she incubated seven miles away from me, six floors up in a high security ICU. At her bedside she was gifted unflinching nurses who, for the first three weeks of her life and 24-hours a day, orchestrated her bodily systems in real-time like physiological magicians. The omnipresent tension of life and death in the NICU is harrowing and it wanted to kill me.

12 hours old

5 days old

2.5 weeks old, in the arms of brother Merritt

3 weeks old

The only salve to my anguish was to be with her. I centered her, pouring myself into every moment I could steal away from my "other life," the place outside hospital walls where my two boys and my marriage lived. She and I were supposed to be connected still, and my body yearned for hers. Our separation was unbearable for me, a physical pain. But there were moments of peace too.

36 hours old

2 weeks old, meeting brothers for the first time

In my wandering between worlds, it seemed that everyone outside the NICU wanted to celebrate at a time when our lives were so fraught. I knew we would have to endure the worst of it before we could answer the deep-rooted question that I had carried in my heart from the beginning: what would her quality of life be like if she lived? Nothing was certain. I wanted to celebrate my daughter but our reality in those early weeks was crushing.

6 days old

In spite of years of hesitation after Merritt’s early birth at 33 weeks, my desire for another baby had compelled me to risk the possibility of another NICU stay—though I'd never considered risk of life of future babies. My pregnancy with Winslet had been difficult from the start, with a heartbreaking trajectory. A complete loss of control for me and a realization of my deepest fears, the future unknown, but I could choose to hold close our most heart wrenching and tender moments together.

In her first days and weeks I didn’t share many photos of Winslet publicly or privately. I’ve since wondered if the way I saw her then—first impressions, lasting impressions—would be the only way I could ever see her. Fragile. Sick. Suffering.

Now when I look through the hundreds of images from Winter 2016, emotion still catches me in the throat, but it’s because we’ve since lived the story that came after and I know now that she is safe and thriving. It is hard to imagine that my sturdy, tenacious girl, bright with curiosity and fearless to her core was once ever so tiny and fragile. I look at her photos and study her features, her expressions—all the same then as now. I look at the photos and I recognize Winslet as my little girl then as now but my fear is gone, grief subsiding. Devastation clearing way for new growth and dreams fulfilled.

8 weeks old

9 weeks old

House Build Progress and Moroccan Fish Scale Tiles

2017-09-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

Our home is the closest it's ever been to being finished but there is still so much to do—all installation of interior hard finishes like lighting, flooring, cabinets, built-ins, fixtures, and countertops. The deck is halfway installed and bathroom tile work has begun.

When we chose white as the backdrop color for our modern space, I had no idea how complicated the color white can be. I may have overthought this step, but after hours (and hours) of research and indecision we finally settled on Chantilly Lace by Benjamin Moore for every room and all trim, with exception for the kitchen. Chantilly Lace is a true neutral white, not too blue and not too yellow, which will work well with the cool toned vibe in the bathrooms, as well as with the warm wood furniture that we already own and tend to gravitate toward in living spaces. The kitchen cabinets we ordered were the whitest in the color line offered by Wolf at the time (though they've since added a whiter white) but it is still warm in comparison and would probably come off as dingy if we kept Chantilly Lace as the wall color there, so we matched the wall paint to the cabinets to ensure that the whole space reads as white.

As we near the final push Andy is more hands on and has been spending as much time as he can at the house, taking time off work and on the weekends to complete projects like sound proofing, electrical wiring, insulating the crawl space, and building the deck. He stained the floor of the guest bunks last weekend and will be laying the wood floors throughout the house soon.

The house takes up a lot of our mental space right now and the last four weeks have required a steady and near daily effort to chip away at final decisions to purchase the doors, doorknobs, light fixtures, and accessories for our outdoor space on the deck. We are figuring out how to pull off the concrete floors and vanity in the communal bath, and we still need a wood source for the open shelves in the kitchen. The todo list feels near endless and requires constant tweaks to accommodate design and logistical issues that inevitably pop up, as well as take into account the constraints of the budget.

Anticipation is high for a move sometime in October, but even that seems optimistic now. Packing continues slowly and I'm purging as I go, which feels good.

My Ode to the James backsplash tiles for the inset accent wall in the downstairs powder room arrived a few months ago and they are so pretty in person! I checked in with the folks at Mercury Mosaics to inquire about grout color suggestions, because they are really good at design and, as usual, they made my life easy and went above and beyond to carefully create and share a mood board with their grout recommendation: pewter.

Last week we taped off a 5' x 5'6" area then laid out and labeled the tiles to create a template for the mason. We started at 9:30pm and it only took 3 hours as we worked by the light of a rechargeable lamp that kept dying! I wouldn't recommend it, but I'm glad we got it done. We decided to go with the cozy and homey hillside up. I'm looking forward to seeing it go up on the wall next week!

The Modern Nature Home: Interior Finishes

2017-02-26T03:37:00.001-08:00

Modern isn't the word I would use to describe my decorating style, my fashion sense, or my favorite art, but motherhood has inspired a greater appreciation for order, simplicity, and minimalism—probably because babies and the early years of parenting bring a whole new level of unpredictability and chaos to daily life. Change is the only constant, as they say, and it's no wonder that we modern mothers crave a sense of control—the desire to regain order, to simplify our time and our belongings, and invest our limited resources in the good stuff of life that matters most.

With that said we will soon have a home with modern architecture and I am thrilled for the ways that this artfully designed space will become our sanctuary for good, easy living. We already feel intimately connected to this house through the design process, and the trickier task of choosing interior finishes from endless possibilities, but the modern design resonates like a kindred spirit as we move into the next phase of living and of raising our family.

Our intention for the interior design has been to strike balance between modern/industrial/nature without falling too hard for the latest trends, all while keeping our spaces warm and cozy with a classic vibe. It's been my challenge to make this unicorn concept come to life with only paper plans to work off. Making many decisions at once without being able to see how all the pieces will play off each other has made this process worrisome for me, but I believe that as long as the individual choices we make are in favor of what we truly love then the details will come together as a reflection of us and we will enjoy it for a long time.

My strategy for choosing interior finishes has been to lean heavily on the architecture of the house, coupled with a few key choices we made to create a high contrast interior: all white walls, black window frames, and clean shaker panel doors. To warm up this modern shell we chose bronze hardware for the doors with a traditional knob and plate, and honey hued acacia wood in a varied size plank that will be installed throughout the first and second floors with the exception of the communal and master bathrooms.

So far we have made final decisions on all flooring, cabinets, counters, tile, hardware, and plumbing, leaving only the main lighting fixtures and a few options for built in cabinetry. I'll look forward to doing a walk through when the house is complete, but in this post I'll share some of the big ideas from the kitchen, the master and communal bathrooms, and powder room.

Kitchen

To achieve the high contrast, minimalist look that we like so much we chose white walls, white painted shaker-style, frameless cabinets, and dark soapstone counters with a soapstone farmhouse sink. We decided to take a little leap and go with brass finger pulls instead of knobs for the cabinets, a brass faucet, and wooden open shelves to complement the acacia flooring. We will have stainless steel appliances, including a double oven and separate cooktop, and a streamlined range hood with a white stack bond tile behind it. I like the way that mixing finishes creates depth and adds interest. Faucet is Delta, Trinsic.

Master Bathroom

In the master bathroom we wanted to create a refreshing, romantic, and serene space. We chose a large 12" x 24" gray ceramic tile with a subtle wood grain for the flooring, carerra marble counters with backsplash, and a wood inlay for the vanity area. A freestanding japanese soaking tub will be sublime year round, and in the separate shower we went with 4" x 8" white beveled edge tiles in a diagonal herringbone. Faucets are Delta, Trinsic.

Communal Bathroom

The boys' bathroom is a communal area meant for all the kids to share, but it's near to the guest's bunkroom and intended for use by our family and friends when they stay over as well. The communal bathroom has one common space with two separate but identical toilet and shower areas. This room will have concrete floors throughout, and a concrete countertop with open wooden shelves underneath. To keep the interior of the shower/wet zone bright and no frills we chose a 4" x 12" long bright white stack bond tile. Faucet is Brizo, Litze.

Powder Room

One last little detail about our tiny powder room on the first floor is that we will be using moroccan fish scale tiles on the wall behind the sink. I want the bathroom to feel a little wild as an ode to our James River and so we chose this style tile in an earthy river forest palette. I haven't decided which direction I want the scales to point yet but I'm really excited about this little splurge.

Are there any do it yourselfers out there tackling projects or making big house decisions, either renovating or building new? I would love to hear the process for how you came to your final decisions on interior materials.

Which direction should we point our moroccan fish scale tiles: clouds or scales? You can check out some examples here and here. :)

The Modern Nature House: an update in pictures and Q&A

2017-02-14T17:25:00.001-08:00

We walked through the first floor of the house over the weekend for the very first time. We've mostly been voyers from afar since framing began because we try to stay out of the way of the crew when they are working.

On Saturday all was quiet so we climbed up the foundation wall in the garage, and into the entry to give ourselves a little tour of the space. We were there in late afternoon and I got all awestruck seeing how the final hours of daylight will stream brightly through the big windows in our kitchen. The boys quickly found their bearings with long pieces of rebar and began a play fight scene in the living room, while I did a walk-through to get a sense for each space. I've felt somewhat out of touch with the details since Winslet was born, so seeing it in person was helpful to my process as we are currently in various stages of choosing and purchasing all the finishing materials. It's wild to see this dream we've had on paper for all these years finally come into something tangible over the last month.

If you are curious you can check out the latest and FINAL exterior schematics and floor plans, or catch up on the WHOLE story of the design process, plus a few of the hiccups we encountered along the way to finding land here in the archives.

For now, here's a visual progression of the construction process so far.

Raw land after some clearing of the woods.

Excavation, footing pour with rebar: COMPLETE!

Foundation forms built and walls poured.

After stripping the forms the foundation walls are ready!

Checking it out, and taking it all in.

Deck of first floor in progress.

My Crew.

Over the edge they go! Deck is almost done.

Deck and site work (moving all the dirt to where it needs to go) complete!

Framing going up.

Everyday, new progress.

Wheeeee! A new playground. View from the project space/living room looking into the kitchen. <3

Another view of the kitchen from a different angle.

The first floor framing will be complete soon, and the second story deck and framing will wrap up by the end of the month.

In the meantime, we just placed a big order for our windows and doors, and have otherwise made all other decisions in flooring, cabinets, counters, tile, hardware, and plumbing. We are researching now for lighting fixtures and considering our options for woodwork and built ins. More to come on these details soon!

A quick Q&A

I get asked these questions a lot so I thought I'd share the answers here in case you were wondering too. :)

Do you face the river?
No.

How close are you to the river?
A two minute walk down the driveway and around the corner.

How much land do you have and where is it?
A little over half an acre, in city limits, near pony pasture rapids.

What does ModernNature mean?
I think the best explanation is to go back to our original vision for the house which was this:

A modestly-sized, environmentally sensitive, low-maintenance home that effortlessly integrates into its surroundings. Industrial and natural materials: glass, concrete, wood, metal.

A comfortable—sometimes luxurious—technologically enhanced, light-filled spaced inspired by modern design that melds minimalistic architecture and natural family living in fascinating and surprising ways; a relaxing retreat that invites nature to come inside.

A floor plan that fosters intimate family interaction, and accommodates larger gatherings for entertaining. Spaces that serve a clear function and purpose.

We hope to turn the land into a sanctuary for good, easy living that brings us in tune with the river, ourselves, and each other.

How many square feet is the house?
2700 square feet of living space and a 2 car garage.

Who is your builder?
We are the builder! Andy is acting as the general contractor (GC).

What does that mean?
It means that he is responsible for managing the project, making sure it is built correctly and on budget, purchasing materials, coordinating all of the subcontractors and trades, as well as permitting and compliance. It's like a part time job he works on in the evenings after work, and it's one of the reasons we put everything on hold when Winslet was born, we just didn't have the resources to focus our attention there when we had so much happening at home.

What are the benefits to acting as the GC?
Building the house ourselves gives us very detailed control over every aspect of construction, for example, where a builder may simplify in order to keep their costs low and profit high, we can have done exactly as we wish. Also, the costs, overhead, and profit that a builder would include in the price of a new home we will gain as instant equity at the completion of the project.

When will it be done?
In May if all goes as planned, no later than August (worst case) because that's the term of our construction loan.

When will you move in?

Probably late May, early June.

Updated Schematics for our Modern Nature Home: Exterior and Floor Plans

2017-02-14T13:50:00.001-08:00

One benefit to having a project without a deadline, and in our case, one that we put on hold for the better part of a year due to the variables of my pregnancy with Winslet and then her early birth, is that we've had a lot of time to mull over every detail, to sit with particular ideas for weeks and even months, to dream up different ways of doing things, and discuss every option at length.

Building a house like this, from scratch, is a big undertaking and the sheer number of important decisions that have had to be made in between tending to our little family during some really stressful times made it challenging for me to fully engage at any given moment. I'm thankful that we've had time on our side in that way, but it's hard to believe two years have passed since we first sat down to begin the design process.

From the start we had a very concrete vision for how we wanted our home space to feel and for the functionality of each area, but we weren't too (too!) attached to specific architectural or interior design elements, so the emergence of the details of our home over time—each meeting and each decision making way for the next—has been such a fun and surprising experience.

The final plans reflect a culmination of ideas and effort, and all the minor tweaks made by us and by our architectural team over all these months, including a very recent and last minute (big!) revision to give Winslet her own room, which I'm really glad we decided to do. It was a swap for what would have been an amazing laundry room, but I think this will suit everyone well as the kids grow up.

With that said, I'll just share here these updated exterior schematics and floor plans in part to keep the process documented, and also to reference as we move forward with some more detailed house posts. For some conceptual perspective, if it helps, the house is L shaped and is nestled on the top third of a steeply sloped corner lot.

Exterior

Front Elevation: view from Road 1

Rear Elevation: view from Road 2

Side Elevation: View from Top of the Hill Looking Down

Floor Plans

BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series: Immigrant, Student, and Mama of a Growing Family

2017-01-29T11:37:00.000-08:00

I have long been fascinated by the different ways that women, especially mothers, make decisions for themselves and their families about their work and home life. Equally curious is how their choices actually play out in the day to day, because there are so many ways to make it work.

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series offers a peek into the lives of mothers from all over, and highlights their unique BoldHeart stories, from struggles to triumphs in work and mothering and life.

BoldHeartMama
Melissa Yeager, Richmond Virginia

Melissa Yeager, 39, is an immigrant to the United States from the United Kingdom and received her citizenship just this past summer. She came here in 2007, met her husband Sean soon after, and their three boys David (6), Henry (4), and Peter (2) followed in quick succession. A former history professor profoundly changed by motherhood she become a birth doula in 2011 and a lactation educator in 2014. She currently owns Open Arms Birth Collective, and is on a path to become a homebirth midwife.

________________________________

The labels of "work" that we use to define ourselves in motherhood can be telling. I can relate to the fact that you are a part-time student and co-owner of a birth services business—by all accounts a working mama—yet you call yourself a stay at home mom who also owns a business. Can you share some about your work and your thinking on this?

I am a stay at home mom but I also own a business, Open Arms Birth Collective, with two friends, offering doula services as well as pretty much everything birth related you can think of from childbirth education through prenatal massage and herbal support.

I think of myself as primarily a stay at home mom because that is my main focus most of the time. The vast majority of the waking day I am with my children—at least some of them. I fit in work and school around their needs for the most part. I am also aware of the privilege of this choice and that not everyone who wants to make it can make it, and it seems important to acknowledge that.

What factors went into your decision to pursue mothering and professional work and when did you know it was the right decision for your family?

After taking a year of unpaid leave, I went back to work as a history professor when David was 13 months old, though I was very soon pregnant with my second child. It was financially necessary for our family for me to go back to work, but it was emotionally very hard for both David and me. I wanted to be at home with him. When Henry came along, we planned the same thing—a year of unpaid leave and then a plan to go back. However, very quickly we decided as a family that I would stay home. It meant financial sacrifice—few 'extras' like holidays, lots of shopping at Goodwill, that kind of thing—but tremendous peace of heart. I was fortunate to find a close group of friends who were also balancing staying at home with some kind of birth work, so I always felt part of a larger community, never isolated or alone. I had started attending births as a doula before Henry was born, and came back to the work when he was about 6 months old. I felt like I had found my vocation in life and the more births I was privileged to witness, the more women I came to know so intimately, the more I felt I was on the right path.

Did you have to let go of anything in order to reach this place?

I definitely had to let go of my academic ambitions, especially writing, and the prestige that goes along with being a (just) tenured professor. However, I still teach—which I love—and I still have ambitions. They are just different.

If you could go back in time, is there anything you would do differently?

Not a thing. Going back to work when David was tiny was really hard, but it also cemented for me, and for my husband and I as a partnership, that staying at home was the right choice. Birth work involves a lot of challenges for our family, especially being on call and tied to my phone and the city, but it is incredibly fulfilling and my children see that.

How do you make your days work for you?

Usually we have a pretty strict routine at home, one that grew out of the patterns the boys fell into as they grew. We learned that trying to change it hurts everyone! Now that the boys are a little older though, they can be more flexible, and they are used to Grandma being here when they wake up or a friend picking them up from school if I am at a birth. My incredible mother-in-law makes it possible for me to do on-call birth work by looking after my boys when I need to go, and I have also been part of a birth-worker babysitting co-op. This combination has pretty much eliminated the stress of birth work related childcare. We have welcomed friends' children into our home at 5am as a sister doula has gone to work, and we have dropped off our own kids the same way. I actually love that most women labour in the wee small hours, because then I can be gone after my children's bedtime and home before they wake. We have also found it important to schedule in months when I am not on call, to plan any time off well in advance, and to keep everyone really closely in the loop at all times.

In the moment: love and light and dutch baby pancakes

What is your sense of purpose right now?

Right now my sense of purpose is centered in mothering. We are trying to raise our children to be kind, loving people and citizens. I feel enormously fortunate that we were able to make the choice for me to stay home. Second, I am part of an extraordinary community and building and sustaining the friendships that make up that community is important to my sense of self. Finally, I am on that very long, very slow path to becoming a midwife. If all goes well I will start working as a midwife when David is in high school. I always feel comfortable having a plan, step by step working towards it. So in that respect I am currently tackling Microbiology! I literally take one class per semester, but I will get there!

Synchronicity relates to the meaningful coincidences that happen in our lives—those seemingly random events that you can’t foresee, but that make total sense in hindsight—and that serve to tell us something or to point us in a new direction. What role has synchronicity played in your journey of professional work and motherhood?

Meeting Nancy Giglio [a local Certified Nurse Midwife] and being so blessed to have her as our midwife changed my life. This is not an exaggeration. Nancy really showed me what total loving care of women means: I sometimes feel that you receive so much love from her, there is nothing you can do but turn it around and shine it back outwards. I think there are ripples of 'Nancy love' that reach all the way around the world.

Mama and Peter (2 years old)

What are some of the fears or worries that you feel in your life and how do you overcome them?

I experienced my greatest fear this year, when I lost a baby girl, Gracie, at 12 weeks gestation. I had always thought that was a loss I would not be able to endure. But it turned out that there was no choice other than to endure, because I have these three other babies who need me. I also have a wonderful family and incredible friends who together held me up until I could stand again. Like most parents, I fear sometimes that my parenting is not good enough—that I yell too much or look at my phone too much or fail to have the same intensity of parenting with my second and third children as I was able to give my first when he was the only one. I remind myself often that 'perfect is the enemy of done', that I am one human, that my kids all know they are loved. They are fed and clothed and secure and read to and booted to the back yard to make mud pies by themselves while I make supper in the blissful silence.

What’s your best advice for another mama out there who may be in your shoes?

As much as I hated to hear it when my first was tiny, this time does flash by. There is no holding on to it or slowing it down. You do not have to relish every moment, but noticing and calling out the moments of joy, or hilarity, or sweetness brings them into relief against the mundane repetition and hard hard work of parenting.

Name three ways you take care of yourself on a regular basis:

1. I plod step by step along the path to my dream. This may not sound like self care, but for me, having a plan for the future and using the intellectual, academic part of my brain is essential for sanity.
2. Regular outside time is necessary for me—sometimes that means running, sometimes walking, sometimes sitting somewhere beautiful while my children play.
3. Alone time in silence is also absolutely crucial. Often with a novel and a cup of tea.

How do you find balance in the context of your future career aspirations and mothering, your primary sense of purpose?

Balance is so hard. I remember a profound moment of realisation that some things are time sensitive and others are not: for example, I could take a hiatus from my career, but my childbearing years could not be put off indefinitely. While I might, over my lifetime, be able to 'have it all', I may not be able to have it all at the same time, and I am entirely comfortable with having a different focus at different times in my life.

These so intense, so often hard, so all-consuming and so sweet and fulfilling years at home with small children will end up being maybe one eighth of my whole life. I am privileged to have them and I choose to enjoy them. That doesn't mean that it doesn't sometimes drive me absolutely bonkers. Enforcing simultaneous naps/quiet time for all three kids each day, protecting a little alone time on weekends (even my kids call it 'Mummy's sanity time'), and proceeding slowly along my chosen path all help me to stay sane in the face of the six year old's ferocious questions, the four year old's control freakery and bizarre sense of time, and the two year old's emerging tantrum mastery.

My mantra right now is 'One Damn Thing at a Time', even if that means ruthlessly compartmentalising where I focus my energy: 30 mins homework, 30 mins laundry, 30 mins building epic train track, and not necessarily in that order. As I move through all the phases needed to reach my formal midwifery practice, things will have to shift, juggling balls will have to be picked up and put down in different orders. But the timing of my school and life plan is such that by the time I get there, my children's need for me will be less all-consuming. And they will see me striding off to an incredible, fulfilling calling.

What does the phrase intentional mothering mean to you, and share two ways that you feel you are successful in this way?

For me, intentional mothering means that I have a picture of the kind of people I want my children to be, and that means that I have to model—to be— that kind of person myself. It has meant learning something about child development so that I know what to expect fairly from my children— it's no good expecting a three year old to have empathy, for example, and it does not mean that your child is a sociopath when they don't. So we talk a lot about what it means to be kind, and a good person, and how to treat other people the way we like them to treat us. I also try very hard to remember that as their mother they will copy what they see, and not just what I say. If I lose my temper all the time, then that's what they learn about anger management. Of course I still lose my temper fairly regularly, but I try to let them see me taking deep breaths or some time and space to calm down before we work out whatever the issue was.

Melissa and her three darling boys

Think about the last class/workshop/or opportunity that you took to teach yourself something you really wanted to know more about. What was the topic and what did you learn?

I just took 'Acupressure for Birth Attendants' with Keith Bell, which was a wonderful, mind-stretching class. One of the most extraordinary things I learned was the way in which many of the things we instinctively do and touch as doulas have importance in the energy pathways of Traditional Chinese Medicine.

How has time changed your mothering?

I joke that with every baby, you are forced to lower your standards. This is funny because it's true, but I would phrase it differently now. I am more relaxed, more able to let go of the small stuff and focus on what is important—even to be late on occasion! Time has also let me integrate my mothering more and more into my wonderful community. When I need help, I ask for it, which I had a difficult time doing before. It is totally possible to do this alone, but it is oh so much more warm and wonderful to do it together.

What role does your partner play in your BoldHeartLife?

Our partnership is the pivot of our family. If we are not strong, everything is at risk. Sean is my rock and my inspiration, my sounding board and my safe space, my tether to earth and my launching pad to my dreams. Talking through my ideas with him has been so important to figuring out who and what I want to be. There's a Cowboy Junkies lyric that sums it up: '...In the storm, you are my destination; in the port, you are my storm.'

What role does nature and time spent out of doors play into your experience as a mother?

We spend time out of doors every day, whether it's a playground or a walk or bike ride or just the back yard. I love how imaginative their play is, and how, now that they are older, they will go off and play by themselves and just come back to check in from time to time. Too, outside time has been the cementing of the community I talked about before. The hours sat around a picnic table talking over one another's glories and woes, periodically interrupted to count heads, dispense snacks, kiss boo boos and cheer new climbing skills have shaped me as a mother. I remember feeling pretty desolate at the realisation that this aspect of parenting—playground sisterhood—would be fleeting. Time spent out of doors is most often where I notice the wonder—right now, the low, late afternoon light on the ridiculously beautiful trees, for example. Those moments of awe and wonder, which I always think of (even though I am not religious) as moments of Grace, fill me up with something that is completely necessary to my being. I try to encourage my children to witness these moments too and it fills me with joy when they point out something that has moved them. Even when it's a dead wasp: 'oh look Mummy! Isn't it beautiful?!'

Family time in Nature ❤

Share an example of a time when you let your BoldHeart drive your decision making. What happened?

Right now I am driving a grass-roots movement to protect Planned Parenthood in the wake of the 2016 presidential election. I floated an idea, initially just that women could consider moving their Well Woman Care (annual exams for cervical cancer for example) to Planned Parenthood, so that private and insurance dollars could be used to subsidise care for those who cannot pay. A friend connected me with the CEO of Planned Parenthood RVA, Paulette McElwain, and I learned that here in town, Planned Parenthood (PP) offers not only Well Woman care, but Primary Care more generally—and for everyone, including our trans brothers and sisters. I made posts about this idea in various places and, in Richmond at least, the idea has really taken off. People are transferring their care and making appointments to see the wonderful primary care doctor at PP, Dr Carter. The funds that will come in from this movement will, I hope, bolster and protect Planned Parenthood against the attacks expected from the new administration, as well as sending a clear message of support and solidarity from the community. The idea is being picked up and spread by others, and people outside Virginia are starting to investigate whether their own local PPs would welcome and benefit from a similar movement. I've learned a lot about the power of a simple idea, the importance of finding the right place in which to voice it, the advantage of useful connections and the incredible amplifying power of social media.

For those who are local and interested in switching their well-woman care to Planned Parenthood, or in expressing support for this movement, what are some first steps they can take?

1. They can donate money here.
2. They can book an appointment with Dr Carter for primary care here, and planned parenthood staff will talk them through the process of getting records send from a current PCP if they transfer care.

Marching together in Richmond Virginia

In light of all that is happening politically right now in the United States, I'm wondering if there is anything you'd like to share about the current turn of events here and abroad in the context of your experience as a newly minted American citizen?

It has certainly been a baptism of fire, to become a citizen in 2016 and to be able to be fully politically active. I would be lying if I said I had never second-guessed my decision to apply, given my political and humanitarian bent and what has happened since. However, events back home in the UK have been—and continue to be—almost as disturbing and challenging as those here, and we have chosen to make our lives here in the United States. We are building our family, our careers, and our community here. In the current climate perhaps more than anything else I feel a moral imperative not only to stay, but to be politically active, to use my voice and my privilege and my vote and my dollars, to work towards being the best, fullest kind of citizen I can be.

A Quote to Live By:

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. –Clarissa Pinkola Estes

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series is based on the BoldHeartMama Manifesto. Mothering demands BoldHeartedness from all of us. I want to help YOU share your story! If you are curious to learn more about sharing your story email me at BoldHeartMama@gmail.com.

BoldHeartMama Curated Deck of Wisdom Cards Giveaway...and the winner is...

2017-01-22T10:54:00.000-08:00

Congratulations Jessica, you are the winner! Please email me at BoldHeartMama@gmail.com with your preferred mailing address and I'll have your curated wisdom deck mailed out to you this week.

Thank you everyone for playing! I loved hearing all the ways that you are taking care of yourselves.

The curated wisdom deck for the BoldHeartMama can also be purchased in Suzanne L. Vinson's lovely etsy shop Silver Tree Art.

::GIVEAWAY ENDS TOMORROW:: Wisdom Cards for the BoldHeartMama

2017-01-19T18:17:00.001-08:00

Just a reminder that the BoldHeartMama Wisdom Deck Giveaway closes tomorrow night! I hope that you win! I know we can all use positive pretty things in our lives right now.

___________________________________________

I love love love Suzanne L. Vinson's Wisdom Card decks, which can be used as reflections, reminders, mantras, encouragements, blessings, affirmations, and more. Share them with a friend, hang them up where you can see them always, tuck them away for just the right moment.

I'm giving away a curated deck of Wisdom Cards for the BoldHeartMama, which includes:

live this moment
practice self care
lean into your truth
start where you are
boldness becomes you
deep peace be with you
be your wild self
wisdom resides within
the clearest way into the universe is through a forest wilderness.

I have a deck, now you can have a deck too!

To enter please leave a comment here or in the original post to share your current favorite self care practice. That's it! So easy. The contest ends tomorrow night!!

For additional entries please "like" Suzanne's Silver Tree Art Facebook page, and/or follow her on Instagram. If you already like or follow her feeds, that counts, so leave an entry!

Please leave a separate comment for each entry.

The Fine Print: The BoldHeartMama wisdom deck giveaway will close January 20th at 11:59pm EST. Winner will be chosen via random.org's random number generator and announced on January 21st. Winner will receive wisdom deck shipped to the location of winner's choice. All entries will be verified; comments that contain more than one entry will be counted only once.

BHM Storytelling Series: Suzanne L. Vinson Part II, Taking Care of the Mother's Soul & A Giveaway!

2017-01-16T04:47:00.000-08:00

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling series offers a peek into the lives of mothers from all over, and highlights their unique BoldHeart stories, from struggles to triumphs in work and mothering and life.

This is Part II of a storytell by Suzanne L. Vinson, 39 year old artist, mother and minister living an intentional life toward wholeness, kindhearted listening, and compassionate care. You can read Part I here.

Today I also have a fun giveaway to share. Leave a comment to enter, see below for details.

BoldHeartMama
Suzanne l. Vinson, Richmond Virginia

Last week we discussed your business Silver Tree Art and how well your home and work lives are integrated, but also how you are learning to appreciate and set better boundaries around your work as an act of self preservation and care. In the context of this sometimes delicate balancing act what is your best tip for other moms about carving out time for Self?

Hide in the bathroom. Take a good magazine with you. ((And i’m only half joking.)) Before I knew how to say to my love and children that I need time for me, I would just take my time in the bathroom, using it as my “office” for my own quiet time. Eventually I let it slip that no, I do not require so much time in that space, but I needed time to myself that was my own.

Now I schedule self care. My love and I have a good working arrangement, too, where if I seem a bit on edge or frayed or stressed, he gently suggests I take a bath. I know what that means— take time to care for yourself today/tonight. Not tomorrow, not next week; well, those, too. Take time to care for yourself in the here and now. The mom life/work life fully melds into my wholeness only where there’s an ease of being.

Share a fear you hold in your life right now. How do you overcome this fear and what might you share with another mama in your shoes?

Framed Watercolor Wisdom. Photo cred: Rebecca Brunson Studios

My fear is that something will keep me from my wholeness. That I’ll somehow get lost within myself and my children will miss out, with weeds entering their lives because I’ve missed teaching them how to pull themselves up from their roots. My fears include those we all face—that illness or trauma or injustice will harm those I love and hold most dear. So I attempt to face my fears, holding them in my cupped palms, noticing them. When I have a nightmare of some form, I have my coffee, eat my breakfast and ponder what my fears are trying to say. Sometimes I talk through my fears, as I have a fantastic therapist who uses mindfulness based stress reduction as a means to being present to what is true. Fear is there, but I will not be afraid.

If I have any advise for mothers, it’s coming from the well within ::

1. Use your gentle strength. Be gentle with yourself and your young. Being gentle requires strength. When you lift your baby or child in your arms, you’re balancing gentle touch with the strength in your upper arms, back, and legs. Gentleness requires that balance between muscles and mind and hands. Thoughts require the same strength and tender touch. Our tone with our children requires the same mindful approach. I know that when I’m over-extended because I’m thinking about everything besides the moment I’m in, or when I’m exhausted from lack of sleep with a very sick or crying-through-the-night toddler—hence the dark circles under my eyes—my tone of voice needs work. I have to explain my tone to the nearly 10-year old so that he doesn’t turn it into something that isn’t true. Mom’s tired. Mom gets moody.

2. Care for your sacred self. Take the shower. Cheer when you have. Give yourself time to move your body, especially outdoors. Make time for what brings you joy and adds delight. If you love to read, read for even 2 minutes. All the self care steps, whatever the stride, matter to the wholeness of who you are and who you are becoming.

3. Mark mothering moments. When your babies have birthdays, you have a mothering marking moment to celebrate. You’ve been a mother for how many years? What’s taken place during that last year? What do you need to quietly celebrate with a hot cup of tea or a tall drink?

4. Live this moment. Mindful practices, deep breathing, asking yourself “What do i need, right now?” noticing—without judgement— the colors, textures, and objects that surround. Taking a walk and taking notice of all the things that catch your eye. Play with your kiddos rather than saying “just one more minute.”

5. Motherhood is ministry. I’m preaching to myself with this advice. I’ve had many other clergywomen tell me that they give so much to the world they don’t save as much for home. I’ve had fewer who could name that they were called to motherhood in the same way they were called to serve people. My own call is a triune balance :: I am called to gather women around the table. I am called to love and care for my family. I am called to make soul wisdom art.

Hand Painted Sign. Photo cred: Rebecca Brunson Studios

I'm struck by your intuition and self awareness, I love that you know what you need. What are some favorite ways you've built self care into your regular routine. Tell us all your secrets!

Near my 20’s I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. I’ve learned in the last 20 years that I need a different pace, a rhythm of work and life that needs to shift according to my body’s needs. I’m reminded again and again through health and wellness ((or the lack thereof)) what I need to maintain a healthy course. Most of the time, I want to pretend that fatigue isn’t there, that I’m fine. Then I over-do the work-flow and under-do the self care practices. I skip lunch or work through half the night. While my work gives me energy, avoiding meals and sleep isn’t sustainable for any of us.

Friendships are also foundational in my path to wholeness and healing. I seem to meet the right people at the right time. Friendships help me to survive the fatiguing moments of motherhood and life.

As for self care routines, here you’re touching on what I love talking about. I have quite a few, and will share some favorites with you.

1. Painting my nails. Painting my nails creates space. I sit down and paint, letting them dry. If I’m asked to do something, I can’t. If the phone rings or a text comes through, I let it be. It’s a sacred time of stillness, when I won’t always give myself the space to be still. The polish never lasts very long, though that’s not so much the point for me. I just paint them again.

2. Moving my body. When I make time to stretch and practice yoga, I feel better. when I’m exercising with regularity between the Y and outdoor movement, I’m feeling good. When I’m doing all of this with routine, I’m sleeping well and loving myself more.

3. Eating a rainbow. One of my favorite meals is a noodle-free thai noodle bowl. I love making these and adding all the colors, with cashews on top and the lime-fish sauce-cilantro-garlic goodness that is the dressing. When I make these, I’m saying “I love you” to myself and those around me. Making time to add the ingredients to the grocery list, to chop each vegetable, to make the dressing.

Make no mistake though, right this moment, self care is having a fine cup of tea and a gluten free canele from WPA. Not everything I eat is rainbow colored or raw, as I do love the foods that do not necessarily love me back.

What does intentional mothering mean to you? Share two ways that you feel you are successful.

I have chosen motherhood. I am living motherhood as a woman who wants her children to know who they are: creative, lively, beautiful and whole. I’m honoring that by seeing myself in those ways and aiming to model well. In our home we aim to live our values through our financial stewardship, the language we use about ourselves and one another, the way we spend our time and energy, and creating adventure as a family, most often in nature. We want our children to have the opportunity to discover through play, exploration, and adventure.

Suzanne with her Family on a Nature Hike

If you could go back in time is there anything you would do differently?

If I had anything to do-over again, I’d have learned to say “No, thank you.” much sooner. Many of the steps leading me to this beautiful moment would remain the same, but the internal turmoil of decision making and questioning decisions would have been much easier.

What is your sense of purpose right now?

Suzanne with her sweet pea and sweet boy

Right now I’m learning to accept myself fully as “good” and “beautiful” and “tender” and “strong” and all of the reminders I give myself through my wisdom cards and art. The words I use in art are the words that I find when I listen. I listen to wisdom, to intuition, the songs that come on the radio, the lyrics that land in my head, the poetry that pours through the creative flow. I listen to my friends and family. I listen to myself. I listen to the Sacred. By listening, I curb the busy “you should be doing something other than listening” thoughts and move into a place of inner peace. These Spirit whispers become “soul seeds” that are planted within. That newly planted space feels whole and good and true.

Echoes of the past, hearing negative words placed by others into my mind —negative words I believed as a young person—that i was “fat” and “stupid” and “unworthy” became trapped inside, and through some path grew alongside the positive words that I was “kind” and “beautiful” and “loved”and “here because I was meant to be.” The negative words became something of weeds aiming to choke out the positive truths.

These days I’m tending the garden of truth and clearing out the weedy mess. It’s a lifelong process: listening and learning and accepting and loving the self. Claiming wholeness and beauty and love. Sharing that wholeness and beauty and love. Creating safe spaces for the self and others.

More about Suzanne and where to find her:

Suzanne offers private "gather your tribe" mini-retreats, birthday celebrations, and day long or overnight retreats for groups. She's available for speaking engagements and workshops as well. Her art is made available through silvertreeart.etsy.com and she has in-studio shopping and pick up available. Locally, Orange carries a wide assortment of her work in Carytown, as well as Patina’d Grace, The Valentine Museum Shop, and soon to come Twig in the Northside. She wholesales her art as well and welcomes new shops into the fold. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

Hand Painted Sign. Photo cred: Rebecca Brunson Studios

The Giveaway: CONTEST IS CLOSED, winner announced

I love love love Suzanne's Wisdom Card decks, which can be used as reflections, reminders, mantras, encouragements, blessings, affirmations, and more. Share them with a friend, hang them up where you can see them always, tuck them away for just the right moment.

Today I'm giving away a curated deck of Wisdom Cards for the BoldHeartMama, which includes: live this moment, practice self care, lean into your truth, start where you are, boldness becomes you, deep peace be with you, be your wild self, wisdom resides within, and the clearest way into the universe is through a forest wilderness.

To enter please leave a comment sharing your current favorite self care practice. That's it! So easy.

For additional entries please "like" Suzanne's Silver Tree Art Facebook page, and/or follow her on Instagram. If you already like of follow her feeds, that counts, so leave an entry!

Please leave a separate comment for each entry.

The Fine Print: The BoldHeartMama wisdom deck giveaway will close January 20th at 11:59pm EST. Winner will be chosen via random.org's random number generator and announced on January 21st. Winner will receive wisdom deck shipped to the location of winner's choice. All entries will be verified; comments that contain more than one entry will be counted only once.

And last but not least!

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series is based on the BoldHeartMama Manifesto. Mothering demands BoldHeartedness from all of us. I want to help YOU share your story! If you are curious to learn more about sharing your story email me at BoldHeartMama@gmail.com.

Snowflake by Snowflake

2017-01-11T19:27:00.001-08:00

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it can only be lived forwards." —Sören Kierkegaard

We were all up early for the first snow of 2017. The milk steamer whistled as the kids, too eager to wait, darted out the front door and into an icy powder blanket under still dark skies. Coffee. Then breakfast and chapters from books before we geared up in layers and ventured outside to streets still untouched and snowflakes whirring in all directions.

We trudged for a bit taking in the air and listening to the sounds of our steps crunching beneath us, and we blew our hot breath out and up toward the naked trees above.

Winslet's lashes collected snowflakes and I adjusted her hat, pulling her in closer to share heat. Roscoe and Merritt tried to sled but the snow was too fine and too deep and the long down hill not steep enough to carry them along. It didn't matter though and we kept going. In good time we found our way back home, the mood was still one for adventure but our legs were tired and our bellies rumbled for something good to eat.

***

Nearly this time last year I was 19 weeks pregnant with Winslet and a different snowstorm was promising to blow through Richmond. Andy had been out of town that week and the boys and I had made a last minute grocery run for all the good things we could think of, then gathered and stacked a neat pile of wood at the hearth for stoking.

We were all but ready to hunker down for a long weekend. The only thing that stood between us was that routine appointment that I had naively looked forward to, the one at which I learned that without intervention Winslet would be born soon and that our best hope was a cerclage, though no one could say for how long it would hold.

I spent five dark days alone watching the snow fall from my hospital bed, the world as I once knew it muffled by an ever growing cover of snow.

My only comfort came in the messages I received from home about the boys sledding down the front stoop, and of their morning breakfasts with my mom who came to stay while I was hospitalized. Through my phone arrived pictures snapped of Roscoe and Merritt in imaginary play under bushes hung low with heavy snow, new forts and new stories set in uncharted landscapes of white.

I had planned that weekend to make a potato gratin with cream biscuits, and pancakes, and sweet warm drinks. By the time I was discharged home the ingredients I'd gathered the week before had turned, and the rest of my pregnancy was spent on bedrest with friends near and far feeding us well into Winslet's first months of life. It was a long while before I started baking with my own two hands again.

***

This first snow of the season presented us a do over for a time when I longed to be cozy and safe in winter's magic, but was instead gathering grit, and bracing myself for a long and turbulent path yet to be traversed, my heart wrenched by the thought of losing my daughter. The parallel timing didn't even occur to me until I was standing by the stove with the steamer screaming for milk and coffee, and the boys were tearing out into bitter cold with just their jammie's on. A tingling surge of joy for a day at home to do nothing and everything at once suddenly compelled me to wonder aloud when "that one storm from last year" came plowing through our lives.

So this weekend in honor of the promise of last year's potato gratin I made a potato soup and I took my time with the chopping of onions, celery, carrots and potatoes. I stayed by the stove as the broth came to a boil. Present and unhurried. The kids helped to purée the vegetables and stir in the milk. Then we sat together as a family and ate—even Winslet who is in the unpicky gobbling stage—with cheese sprinkled on top and warm cream biscuits on the side.

I'm moved daily by moments like this. The healing moments that inspire deep gratitude for the life of my daughter and for my little family of five. I've savored the details of a simple life spent together these last few days under snow and ice, feeling connected, and joy filled, and carefree—celebrating Winslet's first snow and relishing all the winter hygge you can imagine.

As the layers of this story both old and new continue to build, the once confusing and disjointed experience as I lived it in real time begins to take on a cohesive narrative that leaves me less broken and more whole. I love all the souls in this house with everything I've got and I thank time for giving me words to express that.

BHM Storytelling Series: Minister, Soul Wisdom Artist, and Mother of Two, Suzanne L. Vinson

2017-01-09T05:21:00.000-08:00

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling series offers a peek into the lives of mothers from all over, and highlights their unique BoldHeart stories, from struggles to triumphs in work and mothering and life.

BoldHeartMama
Suzanne l. Vinson, Richmond Virginia

Suzanne L. Vinson is a 39 year old artist, mother, and minister living an intentional life toward wholeness, kindhearted listening, and compassionate care. And psst: she's kind of a self-care guru! She lives in Richmond Virginia with her husband and her two kids sweet boy (10.75) and sweet pea (3.5). Suzanne creates soul wisdom art, meant to deepen your experience of life, delight, and connection. She also leads mini-retreats and gatherings in her studio, as well as travels to lead retreats for organizations, non-profits, and churches. She specializes in working with groups who seek healing, wholeness, and slowing down.

Suzanne's work has brought me personal joy and encouragement for many years and I find her voice and images always relevant and inspiring. I deeply admire her life's perspective on mothering and work as a calling, and the inherent vulnerability in entreprenuership as she's grown her business Silver Tree Art while also tending well to her self and family. Grab your coffee and a comfy seat, I am happy to share an intimate glimpse of her lovely and poetic world here with you today.

This interview is presented in two parts. Part I is about Suzanne's business and work life flow. Part II will be posted next week and focuses on taking care of the mother's soul.

Tell me how you came to your business Silver Tree Aart, and what did you do before?

Sweet Pea

I’ve always been a creator from my earliest days of mudpies, and grass and blooming soups in rain water. I’d paint or color and play, play play. I loved 4H as an avenue of exploring through travel, conversation, and the work of my hands.

My education was at a private liberal arts school in MS in business education and a master of education in guidance and counseling, then a master of divinity studies and post grad coursework in bereavement care and chaplaincy. I was a minister in the church in some form from the time I was in my early 20’s. Before that, I babysat for families and sold plants at a nursery, which carried me through college. During my first masters and undergrad, I worked within the laboratory preschool at the college—cooking and teaching in the afternoons. I loved gathering the art supplies and creating projects for the 3, 4, 5 year olds to create. I loved it all.

My calling expanded from the time I was 16 until now. Before selling art, I ministered in church, facilitated bereavement groups before moving more into chaplaincy. Then my call reached for a space of my own, and I moved into the studio space so I could welcome groups into my own space rather than relying solely for contract work. I’ve always had a short-term contract outside the studio space to work with folks in group facilitation or chaplaincy. Now I am relying upon the intersection of art and spirituality, the healing work of gathering women together, and showing up for speaking engagements, retreats, and groups and believing something wonderful happens when we’re sharing the same air and space for a period of time.

Where does inspiration for your work come from?

I am inspired by the shapes and colors in nature, and by the interweaving color stories in my imagination as brush moves across paper. I love, love moss and seed pods. Lichen and leaves and ferns. I love blooms and trees. I love rusty things and barn wood.

I process life through my paintbrush. So when I’ve had a trail run or a walk in the neighborhood, the joy of that experience enters the page. When I am feeling fatigued and worn out, I find energy in painting. When I am in a dark space, painting brings me into the light.

Wisdom Cards. Photo cred: Rebecca Brunson Studios

I see your art everywhere! Are you working all the time and do you think of yourself as a working mama, or how do you characterize the many hats you wear?

I’ve worked really, really hard to push myself to see where I can go with my work and in the last year my art has given me so much to be thankful for and so much hope for what can be. My “working life” is so intertwined with every day living and mothering that I’m attending now to separating my time into “working” and living. My definitions follow the seasons of life. Because I went through a really difficult end of 2015 and beginning of 2016 with sickness, I learned I needed additional help, so I recently expanded with in-studio assistants. I continue to better define my “work time” as a part of self care practice, which has made a world of difference. I aim to work hard, work smart, and enjoy family life all at once.

How do you make your days work for you, what is the flow of your work/life integration?

I appreciate the terrific St. Thomas Day School for the loving care they give my sweet pea 3 half-days a week. She and I have time together, and I use the Y for the childcare during my workouts. I lead an evening mini-retreat in the studio once a month, and additional retreats and gatherings on weekends and during her school days. I love leading my groups, and that benefits all of us. When I am living and loving my time apart from my family honoring my own gifts and call, I am coming home more whole, more me.

Motherhood expands my heart; I am stretched and moved beyond measure. Art is my out-breath of expression and in-breath of life. Love carries me deep—filling my well and my cup—allowing my expansion to make me whole. I aim to bless because I feel blessed. I invite others to heal as I’ve been healed. I create beauty through color and word and wonder because I need to see that beauty in the every day.

Share why you describe your work as soul work and tell us about #theartofdailyliving.

I began describing my work as “soul work” a while ago. What I do with my hands and heart and mind connects my inner life to paper or canvas. What I do as I lead connects my spirit to the spirits and energies of all in the room. We create beautiful soulscapes and tablescapes as we create and share with one another.

On Instagram and in my writing you’ll see I describe and use the hashtag #theartofdailyliving often, it’s even in my planner/workbook/journal series. I see life as art, a living work of art that is messy and true. Life lands on countertops and tables with bills to pay, ads to recycle, meals to share, stories to tell, and folks to invite near. We’re all in the same boat, though our perception of what’s around us might be different. I choose to see my life through a lens of beauty. Even the dust of our days in the pile at my feet can be beautiful as I sweep. I use the time in my kitchen to deepen my spiritual life. My kitchen window holds my altar with candles ready for lighting, a bowl of paper chain prayers with names written on each, pottery birds and bowls, and green plants.

Mixed Media. Photo cred: Rebecca Brunson Studios

I've noticed that your product lines have richly evolved and expanded over the years, what is the most meaningful product to you, or the most therapeutic as an artist?

When I started moving from purely abstract into integrating the wisdom I was hearing, I found my art rooted in a place of growth. My art began to grow as I gave myself permission to use the materials I loved most: watercolors. The art went deeper as I gave myself permission to trust my intuition and combine ink and pencil into my work. If I did all this in secret, I would be fed. I’ve chosen to share through my blog(s) and social media over the years and sharing helps me to expand my heart and my art. I love hearing the stories of others who tell me that I made the piece for them, that the message or image spoke to them in a particular way. I believe that’s part of the art-making. The art is something and the sharing and seeing is another art form.

Watercolor Dreamscapes. Photo cred: Rebecca Brunson Studios

I make art that is made to care for others through rituals of healing, receiving care and love, and to release what is carried that no longer needs to be. My wisdom cards are shared from me to you through social media and in my wee etsy shop and Silver Tree Art studio in Ginter Park. Those soul seeds of wisdom cards are then carried to our tribes in times of loss, celebration, when cancer shows up, and when we need to be reminded we are beautiful and so, so very loved. My candles and sacred strikes are shared in much the same ways. My prints aim to add delight.

What is your favorite product series?

I love my watercolor dreamscapes. These original watercolors have my heart and I’ve been working on an even larger selection. Each is framed in a turquoise frame I’ve reclaimed and painted using chalk paint, and then sealed with wax. So much of me is in each of these.

Your studio is so lovely, how would you describe your workspace and what do you enjoy most about it?

My studio is painted “reflection pool” blue with accents of red, brown, and black. There are 5 large windows and windowed closets. You feel like you’re in a tree house, looking out among trees and rooftops. Within the walls of the studio, there are turquoise ball jars filled with buttons, baskets upon baskets of rik rak, ribbon, paper, paints, and fabrics. the studio functions as retail space, gathering space, and in-action-artist-studio space. after moving into the space, I had 12 or so women gathered around the studio tables for a studio blessing. Since then the birthday celebrations and mini retreats continue to bless the space. When you walk in, it’s a wonderland of creativity and visual delight. It’s an artist’s treasure box.

Suzanne in her Northside Studio—so dreamy! Photo cred: Rebecca Brunson Studios

Share a snapshot of a big (or little) dream you hold and small steps you are taking now to get there:

I dream big. I dream often, setting those hopes and dreams to paper, object, word, art. I put them into flames and let the smoke carry them to the grandmothers. I ask for help. Dreaming big these days, I’m aiming to spread the word about the work I do in the world and tell others why I do what I do and what I believe it can do for the world. I make art to care for my sacred soul.

Dreaming bigger :: I am writing a book of prayers. Prayer is such a part of my daily living, and the prayers I extend and share with others connect in a way that enlivens. I’m integrating those prayers into a wider “living liturgy” through my 2017 calendar themes and wisdom. I’ll also share prayers over time with those supporting my endeavor through my Patreon page.

I want to share the magic with you and the world. I want my wisdom cards to soar all over the globe, to find their way into all the hands that need them in just the right moment. I aim to help others create rituals for themselves and with their tribes that help them know who they are and who they are becoming. We’ll grow together, each having wings that carry these messages of color and hope and wisdom all around. I’m here and I’m ready to soar. My hope is to write and publish more writing and art, to continue illustrating for published works, to dig deeper and see what’s inside this space that is me as I submit magazine articles and share the unfolding story through books, e-courses, and art.

What is your favorite aspect of your offerings at Silver Tree Art?

My circles, mini-retreats, and retreats are my soul work and passion, and they bring women ((and sometimes men)) together to weave story and kinship as poetry in color and time. We sit at tables and become healed as we heal one another. We make art when we do not believe we have any artistry within, only to be surprised that we are wildly creative. I’m a magic maker, a soul gypsy healer. I see what you cannot and help you to find that magic within yourself. It’s there. I coax it out with you through my art, gatherings, and presence in your life. It’s dreamy, witnessing your beauty. And I love the miracle of it all.

A SilverTreeArt mini circle retreat. Photo cred: Rebecca Brunson Studios

Do you have a favorite quote to live by?

It is in the shelter of one another that the people live. —Irish proverb

Check back for Part II next Monday! Suzanne will be sharing more wisdom on the topics of mothering and self care.

More about Suzanne and where to find her:

Suzanne offers private "gather your tribe" mini-retreats, birthday celebrations, and day long or overnight retreats for groups. She's available for speaking engagements and workshops as well. Her art is made available through silvertreeart.etsy.com and she has in-studio shopping and pick up available. Locally, Orange carries a wide assortment of her work in Carytown, as well as Patina’d Grace, The Valentine Museum Shop, and soon to come Twig in the Northside. She wholesales her art as well and welcomes new shops into the fold. Follow along on Instagram and Facebook.

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series is based on the BoldHeartMama Manifesto. Mothering demands BoldHeartedness from all of us. I want to help YOU share your story!

If you are curious to learn more about sharing your story email me at BoldHeartMama@gmail.com.

Winslet's Premature Birth: Was I Ready to Let Go?

2016-09-08T19:59:00.001-07:00

I haven't published here in a while, though I have been writing all these months mostly in small snippets posted to Instagram or captured in notes on my phone. It's always tough to come back from a long writing absence, especially following a time when there was so much to say. I'm posting tonight a vignette from the evening Winslet was born back in March. A birth photo from the kindest soul, Patience Salgado, serves to jog my memory.

Winslet’s birth was for me a curious entanglement of dread and utter relief. It was a journey we made together with my mind half in and half out of my body. Surreal, calm. The context was disorienting. Contractions weren’t quitting. My cervix was dilating. There was nothing more they could do but remove the cerclage then wait and see. A magnesium drip was started to protect her tiny brain from bleeding, and the stitch that had gifted us six weeks—enough so she could have a chance to live at all—was cut and pulled from my body.

That was the scariest moment. I feared for what would come next and I hoped to my core that my cervix wouldn’t open up right there and she be born, too fast to feel grounded in the triumph of laboring her down and pushing her out. A warmth crawled through my body from the inside out as the magnesium took effect and I closed my eyes and pleaded please, at least give me that. Let me have the privilege of doing the work to bring her earthside.

I appreciate birth for it’s purpose known and unknown, for it’s raw intensity, the power shift, the love and tenderness, and for the pain. Oh the pain. To surrender to that depth and to lean in to ourselves, to feel it all, and to such a lovely end—the experience is wholly enchanting.

But this would be my second birth where our story's timing was all wrong.

Despite what appeared to be true, a piece of my mama heart remained to believe I could carry her longer. Was there not more I could do?

My doula arrived and took hold of my arm confidently, firmly. She looked into my eyes and pulled me back into the moment to face the darkness. She asked me, truthteller: “Ok, but are you ready to let go of her?”—this when my body was leaving early labor and the pain was ramping up, contractions coming longer stronger and closer together. The tears came then because my baby wasn’t ready and so neither was I.

At 25 weeks there was so much more I needed to do for her. I wanted to keep her protected and the thought of letting her out of my body made me feel helpless and dark and yet I also wanted the pregnancy to end because everything about it had just been so hard. To release her would end bedrest, end my hospitalization, reconnect me to the daily lives of my other two children. The waiting for the next thing—come what may—had been emotionally exhausting and painful for all of us. Still, I wondered if I was I trying to hold her in, and if it even made a difference—maybe so. For weeks I had been holding on for her dear life.

I don’t remember if I reasonably said yes, or truthfully answered no, but in that moment I knew our course was set.

What would she look like? Would she live? Would she be damaged because life outside of me would be so unkind?

I wasn't ready to find out but I wasn't alone.

Photo Cred: Patience Salgado

Welcoming Winslet. Empowering Preemie Birth.

2016-03-07T16:16:00.001-08:00

Winslet Amaris Lee was born on Thursday night, March 3rd at 7:56pm. 2lbs. 12.5 inches. 25 weeks and 6 days gestation.

I have so much to share about the weeks and hours leading up to her birth but while we were living the ups and downs of it I wasn't able to process fast enough to write it in a timely way.

I've been riding the high of Winslet's birth for the last few days, a beginning that I cherish because the NICU journey sprawls out in front of us and the significance of feeling empowered as we move into the next phase of our story together can't be underestimated.

Delayed cord clamping for preemies is standard policy at the hospital we chose and all babies born early get 45 seconds of time to allow the placenta to pump additional blood into their bodies before the umbilical cord is cut. The benefits are many. Usually, the baby is held below the placenta—in the hands of the obstetrician—but a nurse on my team advocated for me to give birth on all fours so that Winslet could be passed between my legs and placed in front of me where I could look at her, touch her, and talk to her before she was taken to the NICU and hooked up to all the technology.

Having experienced a rather conservatively managed birth with Merritt, born at 33 weeks, and based on Winslet's gestational age and degree of extreme prematurity I just assumed she would be whisked away from me and that we would be reunited in the NICU some hours later. However, the whole team from the neonatologist to the obstetrician and labor nurses, supported and encouraged the idea of face-to-face time during the delayed cord clamping.

Photography Credit: Patience Salgado

I labored in another room but to give the NICU team sufficient space to properly support her I delivered in the operating room. My labor unfolded over the course of several hours, and when I could feel her moving down, and then an urge to push, I was wheeled down the hall to the OR. My water broke with one contraction on the way there, and with the next I turned on hands and knees and pushed her little body out before anyone else was even aware that she was coming. Someone reached through my legs moving her toward me and I picked her up and brought her closer. I was shocked at her size having given birth to 4 and 7 pound babies in the past, but she was perfect. And she looked like Merritt! I turned her face toward mine and I took her in. Her tiny hands, her big feet, her ears and hair. She didn't make any sounds, but she was strong and vigorous with her arms and legs.

Photography Credit: Patience Salgado

It had never been done before at this hospital, but we did it, and those 45 seconds were a gift to us. The opportunity to connect with her in this way lessened some of the fear I carried for her and made her early arrival feel less traumatic. Her birth was peaceful and intimate. Yes, she was fragile—intubated shortly-after for prematurity of her lungs—but not so fragile that she couldn't experience the benefits of delayed cord clamping, or the touch of her mama and papa.

Maybe other families here will get to experience such an empowering and beautiful start to their preemie parenting journey because we asked to do it first.

Photography Credit: Patience Salgado

Claiming Winslet: loving my baby in the face of uncertainty

2016-02-11T10:34:00.000-08:00

Melted crayon valentine hanging

Into this pregnancy I carried my best intentions to be bold and brave in the face of deep-seated worry for another baby born early, or worse. When we found out I was pregnant on the night of the super blood moon at 3 weeks and 4 days I couldn't keep it to myself, and I didn't want to. I shared our joy with friends and family, the boys told their teachers and their friends' parents at preschool. Word was out before I had even missed my period and while it felt a little eager, I chose to embrace our great happiness in that moment without pause for worry that something could go wrong or that our path might at some point change course. It was a choice I made because I wanted this third pregnancy to be different. I wanted to put to practice what I hadn't known when pregnant with the boys and liberate myself from some of the anxiety and unrest I had experienced in past antepartum and postpartum periods. I wanted to fully feel this "redemption" pregnancy. From start to finish I wanted to feel it all.

Though my heart was all-in those first few weeks I was soon in survival mode, suffering in my own ways through a long bout of morning sickness, and questioning the decision we'd made to catapult our lives back into the unknown. Sitting with the discomfort that change sometimes brings I was disappointed and unhappy about the way that our days were compromised: our adventures, our homeschool, our time spent alone and together; and with five years between pregnancies I was apprehensive about returning to that place of high physical demand mothering after having finally learned how to carve out my independence. I even wrestled with the idea that if the spotting and bleeding made a turn for the worse and we lost the pregnancy, that it would be ok—maybe even more than ok as everything could return to a familiar normal.

Beneath all these normal emotions flowed an undercurrent of anxiety. Loss and grief remain a part of my mothering story—even all these years later—and while I had every indication at the time that this pregnancy would be different, not knowing what to expect made it difficult to feel settled and to connect with this little person for whom I carried a huge burden of uncertainty. How far into the pregnancy would I make it before giving birth? Would my third baby have to endure a NICU beginning too? Would my baby be healthy and whole despite an early arrival?

To cope with these feelings of vulnerability I kept a safe distance from the emotional call of the experience. I focused on the physicality of pregnancy and maintained family life as close to normal as possible. The baby remained an intangible possibility and the pregnancy a surreal state of in between.

At 10.5 weeks we found out I was carrying a girl. I began to dream a little about all the yet to be discovered aspects of life and of my being that I wouldn't have realized had I only mothered boys. The pregnancy itself still felt otherwise precarious with first trimester spotting continuing. But still. A daughter. A baby girl who would grow and one day get a period (!), maybe even have a baby of her own. I felt more connected to her just anticipating the mutuality of shared life experience.

At 17.5 weeks, emerging from the depths of morning sickness and clinging to my perinatalogist's new optimism for a term pregnancy, I began to feel at ease and even enthusiastic. In hindsight we had made it through the fall intact, and hey—maybe in a few years I could even do this a fourth time! I was hopeful that we would realize home birth again and finally looked forward to a postpartum done right.

We named our daughter Winslet Amaris Lee. I bought a tiny banner in felt and canvas to hang over her small nook in our bedroom. Halfway through the pregnancy (by my own count), I was feeling energetic, and getting organized again around the things we'd let slip in the fall. I was looking forward to the rest of winter and then to her arrival in late spring.

These small acts of preparation brought her more fully into my conscience but it wouldn't be until a few weeks later that I would feel compelled to let down my guard entirely.

***

20 weeks.

On the morning of my emergent cerclage I ruminated over recent conversations with my provider as bright snow fell in silence outside my window.

"We'll be lucky if we can get the cerclage in, there's so little tissue left."

"If I can't place the cerclage it is your legal right in VA to disrupt a pregnancy through week 24."

"If it buys you only three or four weeks I won't have done you any good."

There was a chance the cerclage could not be placed—we wouldn't know until they assessed on the operating table. There was the possibility that my bag of waters could rupture during the procedure or in the weeks that followed. My amniotic sac was funneling too, which wasn't a great sign. My provider felt that if we did nothing the baby would be born in 2-3 weeks and die. Earlier that morning Andy and I had cried together, wondering to what lengths we were willing to go to intervene for her life in a very early birth.

In the hours leading up to the procedure I lay in polar bear with my hips high in the air and my head to the hospital sheeting. David Bowie's Space Oddity played softly in my ear. With my city in a snow globe and I in an unfamiliar microcosm of my own—Winslet dancing inside my belly, oblivious to all of it—I realized then that I couldn't keep her at a distance for fear of losing her. Not wanting to feel that space between us anymore I understood it was time. I needed to truly claim her. I needed to tell her. I needed to deeply feel that she was mine and ask her to stay.

So I spoke to her. Winslet, I love you. You belong with us. Please stay inside. I'm your mama and I'm going to do everything I can to keep you in as long as I can. You need to stay put. It's snowing outside. Stay cozy. Stay warm. I want you to join us when you are truly ready to be born. Move away from my cervix.

To my cervix: Cervix, you stay closed. Do not let her out. She's not ready.

***

In those hours leading up to pre-op I found clarity in the complexities that thrive in the grayest shadows of life as we know it, and it marked a turning point for me in my relationship with my daughter, a softening that rippled change into my being forever. A shiny new layer in my mothering journey.

Did it work? I'll never know, but the cerclage was successfully placed and we are still here at 22 weeks 6 days. I'm moving forward with every intention that she will live because I don't want to cheat myself of my own daughter, however this story plays out.

Winslet at 22.5 weeks. I think she looks like Merritt.

I've assembled a small registry for a handful of things I would like to have before she arrives. I'm looking forward to a blessingway celebration for the two of us when we reach 27 weeks. I think about her skin, and the way she will smell, and how long her fingernails will be, and what color hair she'll have. I think about the weight of her little body in my arms, curled up close. I think about nursing her. Right alongside these details I'm also embracing NICU wires and sensors, and the look and feel and sounds of the hospital: plastic isolettes, hand sanitizer, white walls, and of weeks spent without sunshine just staring at her and holding her skin to mine, watching the monitors, and discussing her care at rounds. I imagine the first meeting of the boys with their little sister. I'm reading up on NICU life, re-familiarizing myself with the latest data and best practices, and planning for the ways I will care for myself while caring for her after she is born.

For every week we keep little sister inside we celebrate by lighting another candle. Tomorrow we will have 3!

At home we talk about Winslet a lot. At first I wasn't sure how far to take it with the boys, but for the same reasons I must make her real for me I must make her real for them. We are all in this together and everyone is working hard to keep her close for as long as we possibly can.

By fully embracing her in this way, a quiet acceptance for the unknown has also emerged. In allowing myself to love her right now I don't have to wait for answers. Loving her isn't contingent on knowing.

I will love her with certainty for nothing else.

An altar of our weekly candles, and flowers and blessings left on our doorstep by a friend.

And the Beautycounter Giveaway Winner Is...!

2016-02-01T02:57:00.000-08:00

Good morning BoldHearts!

The lucky winner of the Beautycounter giveaway is Carmen Slayton! Please email me at boldheartmama@gmail.com and I will connect you with Rebecca to complete your order and have it shipped directly to you. I can't wait to hear which product you pick!

The numbers generated by this widget come from RANDOM.ORG's true random number generator.
Thank you to all who entered and shared the giveaway. If would like to learn more about Beautycounter or purchase a gift for yourself or for someone else please message Rebecca Riemer directly at rebecca.p.riemer@gmail.com. She will share samples and help you to find just the right product for you or your kids. Also check out her Beautycounter Facebook page for more information.

Week 21: Bedrest Becomes You

2016-01-31T17:59:00.000-08:00

It's been a wild week and a half. Two Thursdays ago we were gearing up for the biggest snow storm of the year. Our fridge was filled with ingredients intended for potato soup, cream biscuits, buttermilk pancakes, winter tea, and chocolate yogurt—comfort foods to make a treat out of being housebound for the weekend. All we needed, then, was a thing or two more of firewood and we would be set.

Andy had been traveling on business in the days leading up to Thursday morning and he arrived from the west coast via red-eye around 10am. On his first step into the house the kids bombarded him with their new lego builds and crafty things they'd created in his absence, while pressing to know what he had brought back to them from his airport convenience store raids for knick knacks and sweet things. Soon after, we bundled up and left to grab lunch at our favorite coffee shop, leaving Andy to nap, and returning home around 1:00 so I could make it to a routine cervical-length check appointment—my first since the preterm consult I wrote about here.

While my cervix had been a normal length (3.1 cm) at 17.5 weeks, in only two week's time it had funneled to just 7 mm. I was admitted to the hospital on bedrest Thursday night and scheduled for an emergent cerclage. The procedure itself carries inherent risk to pregnancy, and we weren't certain there was enough tissue to stitch, but a cerclage was successfully placed on Saturday. I stayed over for post-surgery monitoring and discharged late Monday afternoon.

My writers mind has been blocked these last 10 days. There's been so much activity, information, worry, and wonder—peace in my mind creates space to write with purpose, and it's been challenging under the circumstance to focus in on any one thing to write about in a coherent way. The winds have been shifting daily, and that's probably part of the challenge. I have been writing to process though it mostly occurs in text conversations and notes I make for myself, and some journaling here and there—but for my you, my reader, I've not really known where to begin. I'm probably more timely on Instagram right now, if you would like to follow along over there.

The current situation is this: I am on bedrest until I give birth. Given the nature of my pregnancy, my providers have shifted a degree, and my midwife is now serving as my doula, her collaborative physician is now my primary OB, and I'm planning a hospital birth at one of two local hospitals that I will get to choose from based on my preference for their NICUs—one has established mother baby rooming-in, and the other is undergoing a big transformation that could translate to a similar setup in the coming weeks or months, but I will have to wait to see how it all comes together. I'm also being monitored by a maternal fetal medicine specialist.

The cerclage buys time, but we don't know how much time. We are expecting Winslet to be born early, at 30 weeks or sooner. I am 21 and 2 days today and 24 is the magic week of viability. My goals right now are focused and simple: to connect with my daughter; to rally my family to protect Winslet and to remain adaptable to our new normal; to take each day as it comes; and to ask for and accept help.

Andy has altered his work schedule so that he's home 2 days a week to help me and to take Roscoe and Merritt to activities outside the house. My mom and sister are helping on the weekends and we have homemade dinners arriving nightly from friends in our community. My mama friends are coming to help with the boys and to bring their kids over for playdates. I feel well supported and so grateful. I was discussing with a friend how these strict boundaries and limitations, while challenging in their own way, do elicit a greater appreciation for the details of regular daily life, and it certainly sparks creativity and a desire to make the best of what this (crazy) season is offering me at the moment, much like seasonal eating in the winter time when variety is slim and it first looks like you don't have much to work with. I think it helps that this forced hibernation is occurring mid-winter, when everyone else is compelled inside too. Though I was annoyed by the temps today—in the high 60's—and I realized that at this point I would feel much better if it were bitter cold and miserable outside.

While my enthusiasm for bedrest will surely wax and wane, right now there is a pleasant novelty to it. I've picked up a knitting project I shelved a few years ago, and I've ordered some craft kits from purl soho to give me something to do when there is downtime. I have a new book of Henry David Thorough's work, which I will be reading voraciously for any and all inspiration. I'm craving a nature walk right now, in a bad way, and I may have to set up an observation station outside so I can sip warm drinks from a perch of my own making to feel the wind and hear the sounds, and watch my breath create smoke in the winter air. A firepit this time of year could be my new oasis.

Beyond bedrest, we are all adjusting to spending more time together as a family, and helping the kids to function when there are two parents around, with the primary one sidelined. Our general routine was a shifting of responsibility, either Andy was on or I was on, but we didn't spend a lot of time each week all together, the four us. It's also tough to parent from the couch. That's not really working well at all! The boys are under their own stresses and worries for the situation, new routines, and lots of new faces around the house. Their emotions run high, so we are being mindful of their process and trying to help them to make sense of everything and stay even keeled. And for me, I've had to give up (along with everything else) my regular workout routine, which is necessary at this time but also steals away a core part of my being and a daily mental health outlet that I have learned to heavily rely on. So there's all of that!

Still, I know this is all just a matter of time. Tomorrow is February, and by June Winslet will be home with us, and we'll be hurdling together into the Summer months. The interim of now is not forever.

Beauty Counter Giveaway: YOU pick the product, Leave a Comment to Win

2016-01-13T17:22:00.000-08:00

If you've been curious to try BeautyCounter, now may be the perfect time.

I don't often do giveaways, but when I do I pick a brand I really like and make the giveaway really simple.

All you have to do to enter is leave a comment below. You can earn additional entries by taking some other easy actions like sharing this contest on social media or placing an order.

____

If you care about the quality and safety of the health products that you and your family consume, from household products to hair care and makeup, you've probably noticed that the spectrum of ingredient-conscious brands has expanded and improved so much in recent years, both in quality and accessibility. Some of my longtime favorites are Alima Pure, Honest Co., Pit Paste, Dr. Bronner's, and Mac's Smack, but the process of trial and error to replace my old, less-safe brands with new safer ones is ongoing.

I was recently introduced to Beauty Counter by my friend and former neighbor Rebecca who also reps the brand. I sampled a few nice things and decided to buy a pot of peppermint lip conditioner, and a bottle of level 3 face oil—a delicious ylang ylang and wild chamomile essential oils moisturizer.

Beauty Counter's products can be a bit pricey, but I think they are a worth-it splurge if you are looking for a quality product that you can feel good about using on yourself and your kids, or if you're looking for an alternative to try as a replacement for a not-so-great brand that you've come to rely on, or if you're just looking to treat yourself. Since Beauty Counter is sold exclusively online I like that I have access to a consultant for personalized recommendations, to have my questions answered by someone who knows and uses the products, and to maybe even sample a thing or two in-person before I commit.

About Beauty Counter

Their mission is to get safe beauty products into the hands of everyone.

According to their site: There are more than 80,000 chemicals on the market today. Many don't have any safety data. This is particularly true of those used in the skin care and beauty industry. Only about 10% of the 10,000 chemicals commonly found in personal care products have safety data ... and the Food and Drug Administration (the agency that regulates cosmetics) allows companies to use chemicals known to be extremely harmful (lead, formaldehyde, and phthalates) in the products we put on our bodies and on our kids every single day, day after day.

At Beautycounter, they've banned more than 1,500 ingredients setting a new health and safety standard.

Check out this glossary of ingredients carefully chosen for inclusion in their product lines, and likewise, a list of ingredients you'll NEVER find in any of their products.

A Few Words From Rebecca

Almost two years ago, after several close family members had some scary health diagnoses, I decided that I wanted to be more mindful about the beauty products that I use. Around that time I found BeautyCounter, whose mission is to provide safe personal care and beauty products that are extremely effective and high quality. I decided to try out a few things. My first order included Every Day moisturizer and Face Oil #2 and I was immediately hooked.

About a year later, our family moved to a new state. I was 8 months pregnant and left my full time attorney job. After my healthy baby girl was born, I had been home a few months with no real job prospects. While I loved being home with my little ones, I still felt like I wanted to do something to keep my mind busy and give myself another purpose. I contacted an old friend from college (now my BeautyCounter mentor) about joining BeautyCounter as a consultant, and the rest is history. I was very inspired by the stories of Mompreneur's on BoldHeartMama while I was kind of adrift professionally, so I have to say this community was an inspiration for me to get started, too.

I am currently back working full time and managing my BeautyCounter business, too. BeautyCounter is great because you can really make it your own. Some women do this full time and supplement their families incomes, while I have a smaller business that caters mostly to friends and family. I thought that this would be a great place to partner with Jacqueline for a giveaway because BC and BHM share many similar goals, such as mindful self care, little luxuries, and that entrepreneurial spirit. I'm so excited to share BC and hope you love it as much as I do! I'm happy to answer any product questions or talk a little more about BC's mission.

The Giveaway

On to the contest. You can enter to WIN ONE FULL-SIZE product of your choice, excluding gift sets. ANY product! If you've been hesitatant to make the investment for any reason, now is the time to enter, win, and see for yourself!

There are several easy ways to enter, choose one or do them all to increase your chances of winning! Please leave one comment for EACH of your entries.

1. Check out BeautyCounter's website and leave a comment to share the product/s you'd like to try, what you'll choose if you win, or any other topic you'd like to share!

2. Share on Facebook and tag me @boldheartmama

3. Share on Twitter and tag me @boldheartmama

4. Share on Instagram and tag me @boldheartmama

5. Place an order through "BoldheartMama's BeautyCounter Social" Link at top of page

6. Schedule an online social with Rebecca by contacting her at rebecca.p.riemer@gmail.com

Good luck BoldHearts!

The Fine Print: The BoldHeartMama BeautyCounter giveaway will close January 28th at 11:59pm EST. Winner will be chosen via random.org's random number generator and announced on February 1st. Winner will choose one full-size product, excluding gift sets, and chosen product will be shipped to the location of winner's choice. All entries will be verified; comments that contain more than one entry will be counted only once.

Need a few ideas for where to start? In addition to the Face Oil and Lustro Sugar Scrub highlighted in Fall's Small Comforts Little Luxuries post, I also like the Enrich Body Butter. When my current brand of body oil runs out (soon!) I want to give the Rose Neroli Body Oil a try next. Annnd, with yummy scents like vanilla orange swirl and fruit cup I'm also curious to give the kid's bath collection a whirl: Nice Do Shampoo, Not A Knot Conditioner, Squeeky Clean Body Wash.

Week 18: Calm

2016-01-06T17:48:00.000-08:00

This morning Andy and I shared our first date in a long while for a pre-term consult and the "20 week" anatomy scan. Baby is healthy and perfect, and it's official: we are having a little girl! I suppose we could have trusted the DNA fragments from the labs drawn at 10 weeks, but it was nice to get a visual confirmation the old fashioned way. We also got a quick glimpse of her face in 4D, which is always a bit wild (and sometimes concerning) but this time I melted a little as she does look a lot like her brothers, oh child of mine.

A first glimpse of baby w's profile.

The last few months have been hard. Debilitating morning sickness and exhaustion that lasted well into the 16th week, mixed-in with Fall homeschool, and muddled by the Holidays; it has felt like a marathon to me. While this pregnancy challenges me on many levels the promise of a new year, and new beginnings, seems to have come at just the right time.

My melancholic fog lifted around Christmas, in large part due to morning sickness finally (finally!!) leaving, but also the welcome intrusion of the Holiday into what has otherwise been experienced as a repetitive and unrelenting existence for far too many months. With Andy home and family around to share help with the boys I was able to unplug from my responsibilities for small amounts of time. Finding an extra hour or two more of sleep each night was almost transformative, and the opportunity to connect with real live people—after months spent sleeping it off in bed or hermitted away inside our house—was essential to feeling human again. It's hard to mother alone, and that fact has been underscored for me, yet again, in these Fall and early Winter months.

After feeling so low for so long, the positive energy shift was palpable and I wanted—and needed—to focus it on the good and fun parts of expecting a baby: picking her name, preparing the house, buying a thing or two for her to wear. I've put my feelers out for a birth photographer, I'm looking into placenta encapsulation, and I'm considering hiring a postpartum doula. (Did you eat your placenta?! I want to hear all about it if you did.)

We are in the very last stages of securing financing for construction of our house. Permits have been pulled and everything but the final appraisal is complete. The new house won't be move-in ready before the Summer, so our baby will be born and spend her first months in our current rental, making it easy for me to prep for her arrival because we don't have a lot of space to fret over. I'm going a simple route with plans to keep her clothes in my side dresser, and a bin for diaper-change necessities on top. I'll assemble a nursing station next to the big comfy chair in our living room and, other than gifting myself with a new sling, I think that's most of what we need.

In a nesting frenzy last week I pulled down from the attic the crates of newborn clothes I'd squirreled away for future babies, and sorted through everything marked 0-6 months. I threw away quite a bit, made a bag for goodwill, and sifted through all the boy stuff to find the gender-neutral pieces. I washed two loads of preemie (so tiny!) and newborn layette, folded them, and tucked them into the little spot I've cleared space for in our bedroom. I ordered a handsome ombre banner with her name on it to hang in celebration of her arrival, since she won't have much else that is hers in our house. I intend to have everything ready by 25 weeks, just to be on the safe side, but my consult today did give me new hope and peace of mind for a normal pregnancy and birth.

Based on the context of my past pregnancies and birth history, my perinatalogist is optimistic that I'll carry to term. I've declined progesterone prophylaxis in favor of watchful waiting of my cervix and bimonthly monitoring. If at any point it begins to shorten I'll get a cervical cerclage, but hopefully that won't be needed. This approach relieves much of the immediate stresses I associate with anticipating an early birth by reducing the dreaded element of surprise because we'll have information to go off of all along the way.

For now I'm relieved to know that our girl is healthy, and that she has a good chance at a peaceful entry into the world.

Mulled Cranberry Punch: A Winter Guest Post

2016-01-03T06:38:00.001-08:00

Recipe for Mulled Cranberry Punch. A guest post by Heidi Bone, kitchen maven extraordinaire, seasonally inspired Pinner, and mini blogger at Deliberate Cookery. The boys and I love this recipe. They prefer theirs cut with apple cider, and I have enjoyed savoring small cups of this addictively tart non-alcoholic drink in the evenings while I wait for the kids to fall asleep. Don't worry, you can add a little something to yours if you're feeling more festive. :) Thank you Heidi, for sharing your inventive culinary spirit with us!

Winter is the perfect time to play with a recipe like this fantastic mulled cranberry punch because HEAT is necessary for the infusion of spices in juice.

This warm and spicy punch is married with honey to create a sweet and tart drink that makes a lovely companion for dark mornings and afternoons, when aromatic steam rising from a simmering pot in a chilly kitchen is incredibly comforting.

The fun in this recipe is it’s versatility. Experiment with the flavors and make it your own! I look forward to stockpiling a variety of juices this winter and simmering small batches with spices, herbs, and teas just for fun, and for warmth of body and soul. I hope this recipe inspires you to find your new favorite drink this season.

Let’s get started!

Cranberries are über tart. If you take a perusal down any juice section of your local market most cranberry juices are sold in cocktails and blended with grape or apple to cut through the tang and highlight the sweet notes, so it can be a challenge to start with only pure organic unsweetened cranberry juice. I used R.W. Knudsen’s organic "Just" cranberry sold in a 32 oz. glass jar.

The Basic Punch

Combine into a large stock pot or sauce pan:

Cranberry Juice, 32oz.
Two fresh squeezed oranges (I recommend something high in natural sugar content, like a sweet and juicy Cara Cara or Sweet Valencia.)
One tablespoon of crushed mulling spices (You can make your own with what you have on hand! See below.)
Eight crushed cardamom pods
One tablespoon and a half of pomegranate or hibiscus flowers (Find them at your local health food store.)
One knob of ginger 1/2 to 2 inches in length, chopped (Add more if you like more spice, or less if you don’t.)

Once combined you will have a big pot of spicy acidic tang! Bring to a boil without a lid and then lower to medium-low heat and simmer 20 minutes or more, taste-testing the infusion to your liking.

Now Sweeten...

To sweeten the mix naturally and nutritiously I would use the Really Raw Honey brand or, if you can afford it, Manuka honey. Of course, local honey is fine too. Start with half a cup of honey and add more to taste.

Strain...

Once it tastes the way you like, strain and funnel into your favorite serving pot or, like I did, back into the glass jug the cranberry juice came in for refrigeration.

and Serve!

I recommend a 6oz serving at a time, warmed stovetop.

Variations:

The fun in this recipe is experimenting to make it your own:

Try a different juice as a base
Add a bit of rum at night for extra warmth
Steep loose or bagged rooibos in this mix for extra depth, 1tsp for 1 serving or or 1 bag for the pot.
For a sweeter cranberry punch, use half cranberry and half pear/apple/grape/or carrot, with less honey
Add fresh citrus peel or zest
Serve with honey sticks, for the kids
Drink cold over ice:

Try half punch and half lightly sweetened herbal/green/black tea,
or half punch, and half coconut water, or seltzer in the warmer months

MAKE YOUR OWN MULLING SPICE MIX

I buy a bulk mulling spice mix at the farmers market but you can make your own with any combination of what you have on hand at home: fresh or dried orange peel, cinnamon bark, allspice, cloves, and anise seed. Check the bulk section of your organic market to assemble your spice mix less expensively than buying whole individual containers of each spice.

This post was originally featured in the BoldHeartMama Newsletter. If you like posts like this one and would like to sign up for seasonal updates and inspiration sign up here.

Small Comforts Little Luxuries: Fall 2015

2015-12-20T09:13:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends! Tuesday is the official start of Winter so I'm sneaking in Fall's Small Comforts and Little Luxuries post just under the wire.

These posts are about the little things that don't cost a lot (though they can feel like a splurge) but add value to your days because they appeal to your senses and bring delight. As you seek out facets of life to enhance your own comfort, pleasure, and joy, you can consider purchases like these an extension of the ways in which you nurture yourself as part of your self-care routine.

Taproot Magazine

Taproot is the relevant, inspiring, and folksy companion for every season. It's ad-free, which is refreshing, full of beautiful illustrations and images, filled with words that stick with you and crafts, recipes, and ideas that will spark your imagination for intentional living.

This issue's theme is Shelter and includes articles from living tiny (houses!) and unconventional, to nature teepees, screen printing, CSAs and root cellaring, comforting casseroles, and up-cycled hats for the entire family. So many good reads to be had in here!

Taproot is also hosting a very cool pop up Holiday Shop with gift ideas for everyone on your list, maybe even a few goodies you'd like for yourself!

Price:
Individual Issue $9
Yearly Subscription $27

Glow Sugar Scrub

The star of this sugar-based body scrub is citrus and lemongrass essential oils, which will perk up any dark morning (I promise!), while evening primrose, sweet almond, apricot kernel, and sunflower oils keep you hydrated in these moisture-zapping colder months. The kids think I smell like gummy worms after I shower, which I'll take as a compliment. Smooth, moisturized skin definitely feels like a little luxury this time of year.

Price: $38

Lustro Face Oil

As an oily/combo skin mama I wasn't so sure about the idea of applying oil directly to my face, even if they are essential oils. It just didn't sound like a good idea. Still, I needed to know so I decided to give it a try and guess what? It's kind of amazing. I can use a few drops of this instead of my usual moisturizer—though you can mix it with your moisturizer if preferred—and my skin stayed hydrated, and glow-y all day. (Pregnancy cannot have all the credit.) Even at days end my skin remained less oily than usual, and happily no breakouts. I love the morning ritual of applying this serum to my face because it smells so darn good. I've tried both the Jasmine (Face oil 2 for dry skin), and Calendula (Face oil 1 for sensitive skin) which smells like roses to me though the description states "leafy and herbal."

Price: $64

If you're curious to try out these products (or others!) stay tuned for a post-Holiday Beauty Counter Giveaway!

StephLovesBen Garlands

I really like garlands. A lot. I have many different ones I've made or purchased over the years and I rotate them seasonally. This year I added a glitzy, glam-like, festive garland of bright triangles to hang over the archway in our living room. StephLovesBen's Etsy shop is closed until the New Year but you can check out her instagram StephLovesBen to take a peak at the many pretty things she usually has for sale.

Price:
12 foot garland $32

Belvoir Fruit Farms

Delicious, seasonally inspired non-alcoholic cordials and presses to be shared with family and friends! Originating from the UK, the Belvoir winter line is currently offered at Terrain. We enjoyed the Apple, Plum and Cinnamon Cordial (similar to a light mulled cider) as well as the Mulled Winter Punch (a warmly spiced blend of elderberry, blackcurrent, and orange juices) warmed stovetop. The kids loved both, though I think the mulled winter punch was our favorite. Cordials can be mixed with wine or booze if you're feeling particularly festive!

View the entire Belvoir Fruit Farms line here.

Price:
$15/ bottle
Edit: It looks like Terrain is out of stock of the mulled winter punch.

Winter Sweet Gum Springs Apothecary Herbal CSA

Ever curious to learn more about plant-based medicines I eagerly emailed Lindsey, the owner of Sweet Gum Springs Apothecary, when I heard about her Mississippi-based Winter Herbal CSA. She said she had one spot left so I joined-in in the middle to catch the remaining months of December, January, February, and March.

Lindsey is a community herbalist and uses her extensive knowledge of plant-based herbal preparations to carry on the tradition of herbal medicine for health and wellbeing. The ingredients she incorporates into her products are either grown in her own garden or sourced and foraged locally.

My first box included Winter Warmth Tea Blend, Hibiscus Fire Cider, Happy Lips Lemon Balm, and The Balm: first aid salve. I also added a small bottle of the Elder-Sumac Elixir. The winter sickies have entered our house so this was timely, and I enjoyed reading the accompanying newsletter that highlights the protective purpose and healing benefits of naturally occurring plant phytochemicals and how that translates to our human systems.

Learn more about the Winter and Spring CSAs here, and check out the entire line of products, which can be purchased individually. Edit: Info is now available for joining the Spring CSA!

PS. She's currently offering a holiday free shipping special for all orders over $40.

Price:
Full CSA plus shipping $250

Sign up for the BoldHeartMama Newsletter to get the Latest and Greatest in Intentional Living

2015-12-20T06:24:00.000-08:00

Happy Sunday!

The Winter edition of the BoldHeartMama newsletter will be going live soon. If you haven't already you can sign up here to receive the newsletter in your inbox.

The current issue will include a Winter What's in Season Virginia printable, intentional living prompts for nurturing self and looking toward the New Year, a sneak peak of the next BoldHeartMama interview, and a recipe for Mulled Cranberry Punch!

The Fall 2015 edition included posts like these:

Creamy Cashew Milk

What's In Season Virginia: Fall

Intentional Living Prompts to Find your Peace

and more!

Seasonal Color Analysis: I Got Draped!

2015-12-14T06:32:00.001-08:00

Personal Color Analysis begins with the idea that by categorizing the dominant characteristics of your hair, skin, and eyes as Dark or Light, Soft or Clear, and Warm or Cool, you can identify your specific Season, and thereby your best colors. For example, someone with Dark, Soft, and Warm characteristics would be a Deep Autumn. (For your reference, in color analysis Dark is interchangeable with Deep, and Soft is interchangeable with Muted. I use both terms in this post.)

Seasonal Color Analysis Groups

Seasonal Color Analysis categorizes everyone into four distinct seasons while Tonal Color Analysis takes it one step further with the understanding that while everyone will fall into one of the main seasons, most everyone can also wear some colors outside their designated season. A tonal draping will capture a palette that is even more specific and individualized to you, with a unique color swatch booklet to take home at the end of the process.

Inspired by last years exploration into seasonal living, I was curious to learn more about my seasonal color palette. Based on two simple online quiz tools from Into Mind and The Chic Fashionista, and a lipstick draping, I thought I might be a Deep Autumn. However, the more I learned about the nuance of color analysis the less sure I felt. When I had just about driven myself crazy with wonder, I decided to go for it and indulge myself with an official color draping.

Late last Winter I met with Joanne, an image consultant and tonal color analysis specialist from Younique Image Consulting.

The Draping

I arrived without makeup and jewelry and we introduced ourselves. She sat me down in a chair in front of a big picture-window filled with indirect sunlight.

Her first impression was that I am a Deep: dark hair and dark eyes, and then she dug right into the analysis.

Joanne first assessed whether I was warm or cool, this is referred to as Hue or undertone: definitely warm…but also a little cool. My eyes are a medium color with a dark brown—almost black—ring, with a chocolate brown center and flecks of amber. My freckles are taupe, not red, which also gives my coloring a more muted look and lends me to cool.

Then she assessed color Value, or how saturated I can wear color in general.

Next Joanne used hand towel-sized swatches of fabric in every color to assess how each reacted with my natural coloring. She worked quickly, selecting swatches and draping each fabric across my neckline to compare how the colors interacted with my face. In groupings of a few at a time she layered the colors and then un-layered the colors. Some really stood out to her as being lovely, those she identified as my signature colors. The rest of the swatches got separated by process of elimination into Yes and No piles.

Some of the questions she asked: Does the color wash me out? Does it create shadows? Does my face take on the color—too yellow, too blue? Do the shadows around my mouth and nose fade away or appear to darken? Does my complexion even out or look gray or splotchy? With her guidance and a lot of observation throughout the process I did start to see the changes, especially in the most obviously good for me colors.

After all the color families had been explored we moved on to neutrals. As it turns out I can wear black, brown, off-white, and even the occasional true white.

My Season

The final verdict? I’m a Deep Autumn after all! Dark, warm, and muted—on account of my eyes and freckles.

Joanne said I have an unusually wide selection of colors that work well for me, which was exciting.

In these pictures I'm comparing the generic Deep Autumn swatch book that I purchased from True Color online to some of the color swatches that Joanne identified as working well for me. Joanne's analysis reflected the Deep Autumn palette really accurately, but she found that two spokes of the fan were not for me at all: some pastels and blues (bottom right). Likewise, I get to claim some of Winter's jewel tones that are otherwise not included in the Deep Autumn palette.

To the draping I also brought my makeup tote and some items of clothing from my closet that I felt worked well for me, as well as some that I was pretty sure did not. She spent a few minutes to confirm my hunches and also answer some of my questions about the makeup colors that I regularly use.

After our visit Joanne carefully assembled my personal color swatchbook, which arrived in the mail a couple weeks later. My swatchbook included additional guidance for how best to wear my colors, with designated signature and lipstick colors as well as suggestions for color coordinating.

Truth be told, Fall is my favorite season of the year, and I LOVE the spectrum of colors in the Dark Autumn palette.

So what did I do next?

I went through my entire closet and all of my cosmetics and nail polish. I tossed out the stuff that wasn't in my palette. Then I went shopping to pick out a new lunch box (top right) and a backpack in my signature colors. I also bought some new lipsticks to bring a pop of color to my everyday style.

I still take my fan with me everywhere I go (almost a year later!), and my understanding of how to apply color continues to deepen and improve.

Not in my palette: the bottom row of nail polish and the clothing items shown in bottom right.

6 Ways Color Draping Changed My Life for the Better:

I have since fallen in love with color and all the possibilities it offers. Color really brightens my day: I feel younger, fresher, more vibrant, and more creative when I'm wearing my best colors.
A new appreciation for the subtlety of color adds yet another layer of self awareness and understanding—I always categorized my hair and eyes as dark brown, but I can be more descriptive now: warm chestnut hair with highlights of gold and red; bright brown eyes with flecks of amber. I know now how to use color to best complement my features.
I have a new perspective when shopping. From season to season, you'll notice that use of color in retail fluctuates tremendously and is widespread across brands; Spring might bring bright neons and Summer might be muted earth tones. These trends are largely influenced by color forecasters who decide years in advance what will be desired by consumers. What a weird concept to just wear whatever colors are fashionable in the moment, instead of what really flatters! I've also found it's a real bummer when this seasons chosen colors aren't in my palette.
I'm not afraid of color because I know what works for me now, and I have confidence to choose and wear color with intention.
Knowing what colors work best for me simplifies my wardrobe and my life because I can shop efficiently (looking first at color, and then at cut and style) and choose outfit pairings with ease, as everything in my closet makes me feel good and all the pieces coordinate with each other.
I prefer gold jewelry now to silver, though I can wear both.

A few tips:

Don't wear any makeup or jewelry to your draping.
Late Winter/early Spring is a good time to get draped, because skin color tends to be in its most natural state after the sun-starved winter months.
Bring some of your clothes and makeup to your draping if you have specific questions or would like some additional guidance.
Know that a good summer tan or a new hair color may shift your palette into a different season.
A good rule of thumb is to get draped every ten years, or after menopause: aging of your skin and hair can change your season.

Would you get draped? Do you think this is fun or superfluous?

The BoldHeartMama Anchors: Nurtured, making space for self care

2015-12-07T16:23:00.000-08:00

Every day the BoldHeart Mama has an opportunity to reconnect with her authentic and true self—in all her varied roles—through the five BoldHeartMama Anchors: Peaceful (Part 1 & Part 2), Connected, Nurtured, Purposeful, and Inspired. Nature is a core element in the BoldHeart Life.

The BoldHeartMama Anchors are a set of core desires that when met help the BoldHeartMama to feel satisfied and whole.

This is one in a series of posts expanding on the BoldHeartMama Anchors.

When Roscoe was 2 years old and Merritt was 7 months we moved from Northern Virginia to Richmond, and I quit my career to launch a birth services concept called MamaBorn. That year I also re-entered individual therapy to retrospectively dig into and unwind my story of Merritt's early birth and subsequent postpartum, and all the cumulative thoughts I was feeling at the time about my first years of mothering and the ways in which I was found and lost in my experience.

Motherhood had come on fast and furious—in less than two years I had carried and birthed two little boys. I was a new mama and had been pregnant or nursing (or both) for over three years. I was mothering night and day and with the career shift I also had a new business to get off the ground which translated to full time working hours, mostly accrued in the evenings and on the weekends: teaching birth classes, meeting with clients, networking, volunteering in my community, and being available on-call to attend client births several times a month. I felt a deep sense of purpose within my family and in my work but I was struggling to find a balancing point for myself.

That schedule I kept for several years was hard on my body and my energy—I was tired. Pushing through, making things happen, and overriding my own needs in order to meet the demands of my kids and my work had become a reflexive second nature: preparing healthful food for them, and then eating on the fly whatever was within arms reach when it was my turn; nursing day and night to my own deprivation of sleep; caring for little ones all day and then rushing out of the house at night to teach or attend an overnight birth. I still carried baby weight from my pregnancy with Merritt, and I was hard on myself. I had lost touch with what it really felt like to be hungry, to know what it felt like to be rested. I had stopped listening to my body when, ironically, my passion work in birth was grounded in that very concept. Listen to your body. Trust your body. Love your body.

With the start of therapy I commenced a Year of Self-Love in pursuit of learning to nurture and love myself with the same intention and passion that I nurtured my most important relationships.

Whenever my therapy sessions veered off into a monologue of exhaustion or frustration or anxiety my therapist would bring me back to self-care. "What are you doing now for self-care?" It took me a long time to understand what she meant by this term "self care" and how that concept translated to my every day reality.

As I wrote last year in a work/life balance interview series: "I thought for a long time that self care meant going to the dentist, getting my haircut—stuff I needed to do to take care of myself, right? I have since reframed self care as an opportunity to refuel, it's the stuff in life that brings joy and pleasure."

With time came greater understanding and I did eventually articulate a definition of what it means to feel nurtured in my life. I wrote it out in detail and posted it up in our dining room so I could reflect on it daily:

I go to bed at 10 and get eight hours of minimally interrupted sleep a night. I exercise most days. I listen to my body’s signals for hunger and fullness, and eat mindfully allowing food to serve as fuel and pleasure. I make time for monthly dates with Andy and friends. I have reliable bouts of solitude built into every week. I have time to read and write and be in nature, and pursue little projects like knitting or cooking classes and other learning opportunities. I treat myself to haircuts, pedicures, makeup and self-care products that make me feel good. I have polished, well maintained, and comfortable clothes, pajamas, and undergarments. I maintain my health with regular preventive care, therapy, medical, and dental care as needed.

Almost two years ago I transitioned again—from working mama to stay at home mama—to pursue my writing and my mentorship of Roscoe in our homeschool. Those decisions were inspired and anchored by my self care practices, which continued to develop as the boys grew older and more independent, and as I continued to cultivate them with my intentional attention. With time and practice I was able to integrate balance, a sweet spot where I could care well for myself and rightly care well for my kids and my family.

I would have loved for time to have stood still in that capsule of equilibrium but the space I had created for my whole self eventually made room for our consideration to add another little person to our family.

Now almost 14 weeks pregnant, taking care of myself over the last few months has been more an act of survival than pleasure as I've whittled down my needs to the bare minimum of sleep, healthful food at the ready, and daily exercise, while offering myself compassion to let otherwise important things fall to the wayside without guilt: two months ago I forgot an important anniversary of a friend; I haven't hit publish on this blog in weeks; I have declined making commitments because my stamina has been so low and I've prioritized the evenings for sleep and exercise. I know I can't hermit myself away forever, but this is a temporary state that demands a more acute listening to my body and heart with a responsive disposition.

I've homed in on comfort and taking it easy, which means cozy socks and pajamas, and new undies that fit right, and embracing maternity jeans at ten weeks. It's being mindful of my SPD and opting for a long walk at the river instead of grinding out another road run. But movement is also a hobby and passion of mine so taking good care of my whole self also means running when it feels good to run.

What is Self Care?

Mothering is all consuming, and it takes everything you’ve got (plus some!). Putting Self first can be a boggling concept, especially in the early years of parenting because you are needed. so. very. much. The idea of taking time out or away may feel nearly impossible. You may not even WANT to take time out or time away—I know I didn't—but there will come a time when you will be ready.

Self care begins with the attitude that nurturing your core being is not an act of selfishness, and with the belief that your attention inward will grow infinitely outward to everyone's benefit. This is a gift only we can give ourselves: to self actualize our needs and wants with the intention to fill ourselves up. You may likely find that it also brings your best self into the light for the ones we love most. It can be as much for them as it is for us.

These practices don't need to cost a lot, or require a big time investment. While I find time alone to be one of the best forms of self care it is not a prerequisite that you separate from your children if that's an unwanted or difficult option. Greater mindfulness, rest, a break in the form of a cup of tea overlooking a serene backyard, escaping into the next chapter of a good book, cooking adventures in the kitchen, or treating yourself to little things that bring comfort and luxury to everyday can all be done with little ones underfoot or in short bursts throughout the day.

My idea of self care may not be yours. Just because your girlfriend gets a pedicure every two weeks doesn't mean that you will feel nurtured doing the same. This is about feeding the parts of yourself that call to you, whether it be for adventure, solitude, discovery, or companionship. There are many facets that make up a good life, and as many ways to nurture yourself.

Your self care practice should be about spending time engaged with your life in ways that bring pleasure and joy, peace, relaxation, connection, inspiration. Activities that refuel and energize your spirit in order to proactively tackle and navigate your responsibilities with calm and intention. Truly nurturing activities are those you choose for yourself not because you should, or because you feel guilty if you don't, but because they move you closer to knowing your whole self.

Getting Started:

Know what you want: It will be different for every mama, but you first must know what you need and want for yourself before you can begin to pursue it. Identify the activities that fuel you, make a list! Try out different things and see how they make you feel. In time you will find your sweet spot.

Not sure what kinds of activities will serve you best? Ask yourself a few questions:

When I think of the word nurtured, what comes to my mind? What would it mean to feel nurtured and well-cared for in my life? What would that look like? Be very specific.
What can I add, delete, or change about the way I do things to bring life to what I have described above?
I am at my best when I am...
Today I want to feel...
Right now I need/want...
What would make me feel good right now?
If I had 1 hour/6 hours/24 hours to myself how would I choose to spend that time?

Let it be known: Communicate your desires to everyone around you—your partner especially—and enlist your support system to help you make it happen. Discuss ways you might shift your routines to accommodate these new ways of thinking and being and doing, you may be surprised to find that your partner isn't getting enough self care either. Use that opportunity to negotiate new routines in both your favor. Maybe there are parts of your day, or aspects of your responsibilities, that you can outsource in order to gain more time to meet your own needs: babysitters, cleaning help, meal and grocery delivery services. Make a compelling case for how self care will benefit the family dynamic. And if you (or your partner) aren't so sure yet, just give it a try: take some time for yourself and see how you feel afterward. See what you bring back to your kids and your partner and the ways in which your investment ripples out to touch everyone.

Schedule it: Pencil it in, protect your time. Set boundaries, and practice saying no to others so you can say yes to yourself.

Week 10: Emerging

2015-11-13T19:11:00.002-08:00

Birthing Tub Parade

I woke up this morning at 3:45, sharing far too much blanket and body heat and awkwardly positioned between Andy and Merritt—who at some point in the night had pushed my second pillow to the floor to create a space he could sneak into.

I lay awake for a good thirty minutes before reaching for my phone and checking my email, and I was just beginning to look for news to read when the last 2% battery life was up and my screen went dark. I lay on my belly, a little bump emerging now, and tried to fall back to sleep. I gazed at Merritt for a few moments in the shadows—he's so long, so big, but he still rests his face on cupped hands when he sleeps and then he reminds me of his baby self.

Then I was suddenly ravenous and wide awake and ready to start the day, craving a spicy hummus veggie sandwich with cheddar cheese and milk, and wanting the sun to rise so I could go for a run, and mapping out the day knowing we needed to get groceries at some point because I forgot to order them online by the deadline the night before and our cupboards are always bare by Friday afternoon. (I very often have food on my mind.)

I'm beginning to emerge from my first trimester cocoon and after 4.5 weeks of solid sickness, the timing of this peace offering couldn't be better. Every new day brings a greater ratio of easier times than not, and I am so grateful to feel alive again.

***

A highlight from last week: hearing the baby's heartbeat. A few days following an episode of spotting turned bleeding and I entered my midwife's warm lair for an already scheduled first prenatal visit. She wasn't certain she'd be able to find the heartbeat on doppler at 9 weeks and so I had kind of written it off, my mind already made up and intent on getting an ultrasound to satisfy my curiosity about what in the world was going on in there. To our happy and tearful surprise, she found it quickly—strong and fast in the 160's—and that was good enough for me.

This afternoon I bought my blood moon baby a first gift: an apple park bat blankie, which Merritt has adopted in the interim.

Week 7: Regret

2015-11-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

I'm catching up on a few posts today!

Resting!

Oh we were so happy just seven weeks ago! Now six days into all-day-and-night morning sickness and I’m feeling worn down. Construction of the house is really (finally!) just around the corner, which requires decisions in the hundreds about interior design and materials, and Andy is beginning his predictable annual preoccupation with the business as slow-season nears.

So many things to attend to and yet all I can do is sleep.

You know how it is to take one step away from something and immediately wonder what the heck were we thinking? Well that was week seven for me.

The spotting. The sheer exhaustion. The daily push and pull with nausea and food, the herculean effort felt in attempts to fulfill our normal routine. I do remember most of this pretty well, though I surely had forgotten the extent of it. Body issues flaring up and marital exchanges imploding. It’s a weird time and while I’m running on about 30%, the effect ripples out to everyone in the house forcing necessary adaptation.

I ruminated on the news of my cervix for the better part of the week, and what once felt like a relatively carefree jump into a third pregnancy doesn’t feel so anymore. Now the journey feels serious, and I’ve averted a lot of my mental energy to making sense of my last pregnancies, labors, and births: the way they played out, the conversations I had about them with my providers, the sense of my own power I felt with each one, and in parallel I’m grappling with the ways in which this new information has introduced an abrupt disconnect between my perception and reality. It’s a funny thing: here I thought I was a master birther but, in effect, my cervix just kind of opens up and drops my babies out when the pressure is too great.

I’m not trying to rewrite our history in a negative light or to rub out all that was truly wonderful from my stories of becoming a mother. I’m working through these moments of doubt, and allowing myself to be honest about the fact that maybe if I had been made aware of the likely trajectory of a third pregnancy and the interventions required to avert that path, we may not in good conscience have decided to try for a third. Or maybe we would have in spite of everything. I can only shrug my shoulders because I'll never know.

Maybe I’ll read this back to myself when my new babe is in arms, my heart exploding with wonder and awe for how their entire existence will have been owed to these many mercurial variables of perfect or imperfect timing, and just smile to recognize in these words that my active pregnancy mind wasted no time taking hold this time around.

BoldHeartMama

A Wild Patience Has Taken Me This Far

A wild patience has taken me this far. … —Adrienne Rich

House Build Progress and Moroccan Fish Scale Tiles

The Modern Nature Home: Interior Finishes

Kitchen

Master Bathroom

Communal Bathroom

Powder Room

Are there any do it yourselfers out there tackling projects or making big house decisions, either renovating or building new? I would love to hear the process for how you came to your final decisions on interior materials.

The Modern Nature House: an update in pictures and Q&A

A quick Q&A

Updated Schematics for our Modern Nature Home: Exterior and Floor Plans

Exterior

Floor Plans

BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series: Immigrant, Student, and Mama of a Growing Family

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series offers a peek into the lives of mothers from all over, and highlights their unique BoldHeart stories, from struggles to triumphs in work and mothering and life.

BoldHeartMamaMelissa Yeager, Richmond Virginia

What factors went into your decision to pursue mothering and professional work and when did you know it was the right decision for your family?

Did you have to let go of anything in order to reach this place?

If you could go back in time, is there anything you would do differently?

How do you make your days work for you?

What is your sense of purpose right now?

What are some of the fears or worries that you feel in your life and how do you overcome them?

What’s your best advice for another mama out there who may be in your shoes?

Name three ways you take care of yourself on a regular basis:

How do you find balance in the context of your future career aspirations and mothering, your primary sense of purpose?

What does the phrase intentional mothering mean to you, and share two ways that you feel you are successful in this way?

Think about the last class/workshop/or opportunity that you took to teach yourself something you really wanted to know more about. What was the topic and what did you learn?

How has time changed your mothering?

What role does your partner play in your BoldHeartLife?

What role does nature and time spent out of doors play into your experience as a mother?

Share an example of a time when you let your BoldHeart drive your decision making. What happened?

For those who are local and interested in switching their well-woman care to Planned Parenthood, or in expressing support for this movement, what are some first steps they can take?

In light of all that is happening politically right now in the United States, I'm wondering if there is anything you'd like to share about the current turn of events here and abroad in the context of your experience as a newly minted American citizen?

A Quote to Live By:

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series is based on the BoldHeartMama Manifesto. Mothering demands BoldHeartedness from all of us. I want to help YOU share your story! If you are curious to learn more about sharing your story email me at BoldHeartMama@gmail.com.

BoldHeartMama Curated Deck of Wisdom Cards Giveaway...and the winner is...

::GIVEAWAY ENDS TOMORROW:: Wisdom Cards for the BoldHeartMama

I'm giving away a curated deck of Wisdom Cards for the BoldHeartMama, which includes:

BHM Storytelling Series: Suzanne L. Vinson Part II, Taking Care of the Mother's Soul & A Giveaway!

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling series offers a peek into the lives of mothers from all over, and highlights their unique BoldHeart stories, from struggles to triumphs in work and mothering and life.

BoldHeartMamaSuzanne l. Vinson, Richmond Virginia

Share a fear you hold in your life right now. How do you overcome this fear and what might you share with another mama in your shoes?

I'm struck by your intuition and self awareness, I love that you know what you need. What are some favorite ways you've built self care into your regular routine. Tell us all your secrets!

What does intentional mothering mean to you? Share two ways that you feel you are successful.

If you could go back in time is there anything you would do differently?

What is your sense of purpose right now?

The Giveaway: CONTEST IS CLOSED, winner announced

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series is based on the BoldHeartMama Manifesto. Mothering demands BoldHeartedness from all of us. I want to help YOU share your story! If you are curious to learn more about sharing your story email me at BoldHeartMama@gmail.com.

Snowflake by Snowflake

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it can only be lived forwards." —Sören Kierkegaard

BHM Storytelling Series: Minister, Soul Wisdom Artist, and Mother of Two, Suzanne L. Vinson

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling series offers a peek into the lives of mothers from all over, and highlights their unique BoldHeart stories, from struggles to triumphs in work and mothering and life.

BoldHeartMamaSuzanne l. Vinson, Richmond Virginia

Tell me how you came to your business Silver Tree Aart, and what did you do before?

Where does inspiration for your work come from?

I see your art everywhere! Are you working all the time and do you think of yourself as a working mama, or how do you characterize the many hats you wear?

How do you make your days work for you, what is the flow of your work/life integration?

Share why you describe your work as soul work and tell us about #theartofdailyliving.

I've noticed that your product lines have richly evolved and expanded over the years, what is the most meaningful product to you, or the most therapeutic as an artist?

What is your favorite product series?

Your studio is so lovely, how would you describe your workspace and what do you enjoy most about it?

Share a snapshot of a big (or little) dream you hold and small steps you are taking now to get there:

What is your favorite aspect of your offerings at Silver Tree Art?

Do you have a favorite quote to live by?

Check back for Part II next Monday! Suzanne will be sharing more wisdom on the topics of mothering and self care.

More about Suzanne and where to find her:

The BoldHeartMama Storytelling Series is based on the BoldHeartMama Manifesto. Mothering demands BoldHeartedness from all of us. I want to help YOU share your story!

If you are curious to learn more about sharing your story email me at BoldHeartMama@gmail.com.

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Welcoming Winslet. Empowering Preemie Birth.

Claiming Winslet: loving my baby in the face of uncertainty

And the Beautycounter Giveaway Winner Is...!

Week 21: Bedrest Becomes You

Beauty Counter Giveaway: YOU pick the product, Leave a Comment to Win

About Beauty Counter

A Few Words From Rebecca

The Giveaway

There are several easy ways to enter, choose one or do them all to increase your chances of winning! Please leave one comment for EACH of your entries.

BoldHeartMama
Melissa Yeager, Richmond Virginia

BoldHeartMama
Suzanne l. Vinson, Richmond Virginia

BoldHeartMama
Suzanne l. Vinson, Richmond Virginia