BONGO IS ME

BOXING THERAPY SESSION

2012-03-12T14:09:00.000-05:00

Today was like a boxing match with P....
I boxed all the time with Z...
but not with P.....
Bongo and I were both there.and Sam was desperately trying to come out to P...
I and Bongo tried hard to avoid and distract the best we could.....
we didn't want P in our head today....
and so we boxed....
which took a lot of energy....
It started when we woke up...
I didn't wanna see P today..
and Bongo fought to get me there..
Bongo won and was the one who showed up ....

I showed anger over the weekend to P...
I don't do anger...

Bongo usually takes that....
but this was my anger and I didn't like the way it felt....
so walls went up all around and I finally shut up...

it's days like this that I question therapy...
like why bother if were just gonna box....

I left P's office as me and quickly switched to Bongo in the car..
and her rage came out as she beat up the car..
and thought fuck this.
fuck DID and fuck therapy.
.were done....
and within seconds it was me back again bawling....
.
I want it to stop....
but we stayed in the car 2 hours or so..

switching minute by minute....
from inappropriate laughing..
to anger ..
to tears..
and Ju Ju also had a hand in all this..

P had suggested meds for the switching..
while I invite you all to research switching and DID...
there are NO drugs to slow down or stop switching...
we just stop talking about it and cover it up the best we can..

now i sit here bawling because I am scared..
because I do not know what I want to do......
I bonnie want to quit therapy...
i've had enough...
there are other parts that want to stay...
they want their stories heard.....

So now I have a decision to make...
if therapy is going to be a boxing match like with Z....
and today with P...
when you leave more frustrated then when you went in...

P had asked me saturday would the suicide ideation be better if there were no flashbacks or nightmares....
I said I had nothing to compare it to.......
then she said she would brainstorm with my doctor...
I said NO..
no more drugs...
then she said maybe a brain MRI..
I said NO..
then she kept asking me why....
that's when my anger began to show......
NO NO NO this is in my control ..
no one else's.....
I don't wanna play anymore....
I don't wanna box...
I just wanna be left alone...
hear me world..
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

As always...

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I HAVE BEEN LOST

2012-03-10T11:53:00.000-06:00

I have been lost...
swimming in some great abyss...
P thinks I have been on some private beach in my mind....
I don't know if she's right or not...
I can tell you I thought I was dead...
no one was more surprised then I myself when I emerged back into this sea of pain....
wherever I was ..
I know I was at peace with no suffering or pain...
I would like nothing more then to go back there....
things have changed...

I am further from Sam then ever before....
yet I feel more love for Bongo...
I am grateful she was able to hold everything together...
though she is changed also..
I can see it..
she is drained of energy and will....

I have no memory of where I was..
I feel in a sense I tasted death..
and I found it pleasing...
I came back and was disappointed...
my face is swollen from tears...

no flashbacks... no nightmares...no pain...just peace....
Now I feel it all again.....
the further I stay away from Sam the better...
she is the one that feeds me memories in the night....
she is the one that allows me to feel the tools ripping through my body...
i can feel the water suffocating as it covers our face ..
while the grandmother uses the brush..
I can feel the weight of his body pushing on our chest..
making it impossible to breathe...
gasping for breath....

As for P?
we miss her...even today we wish we could be with her....
but we can't....
we have to wait...
only I don't want to wait for anyone or anything...
I want to be done...
I want the hurt to go away...
so we sit here..
we think ..
and we plan...
for that place of no more pain...
we will find it again......

As always.......

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THIS MOMENT

2012-03-09T13:04:00.000-06:00

THIS MOMENT

A single photo

No words

Who's feet ya suppose these are???

capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remeadopted from SouleMama which was introduced to me by SJ If you find yourself touched by a Moment and would like to participate, post your picture on a Friday and leave your link in the comments section.

Z's VOICE

2012-03-07T18:10:00.000-06:00

About a year and a half ago, when Z said he was leaving.
He made a tape of his voice bringing Bonnie to her beach..
I had the bright idea Of Bringing the tape to P today and using it,
in hopes that Bonnie would hear Z's voice and come forward.
Seeing how it was me with Z for the first 6 years or so.
I also got used to his voice.

It was I Bongo that had most of the interaction with Z.
Bonnie did computer stuff. but I protected us and I was the one who loved the laughter.
We played the tape and I had an extremely hard time hearing him.
I felt the tears , the love and the anger.
We had not listened to that tape in over a year.
and now I know why.
and in no way did we feel Bonnies presence.
It was a complete failure.
except to know I still hurt and I still feel anger towards Z.

After Sam called for P and P read Sam her book.
but she was still crying.
When we left P we went out in the car.
I wasn't ready to drive since I was sitting there in a fog.

I left the car running and started walking down a road of death..
when we got back the car was still running and i sat in the car for quite some time.and had no idea where to go..
eventually i found my way home, took drugs and slept a few hours.
tonight I'm still crying and can not get his voice out of my head, we left the tape in P's office.
I don't want to see it anymore.
the hurt is obviously way to deep. a promise was broken and we are still hurt.
I'm sitting here now and the tears keep coming.
sometimes I think they will never end.
and again we are still here on our own without our friend Bonnie.
Bonnie please, please sam and I need you.
please hear us
please.

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NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU CRY

2012-03-05T14:08:00.000-06:00

I've lost track of the days now,
but here I am Bongo, still out front...
I feel very weak compared to who I used to be.
I was the strong one, the one that would take care of everything and everyone.
I never ever cried a tear.
I was the one that laughed, was bubbly, everyone liked me.

Now I the strong one feels very weak, and my tears don't stop.
I feel as if I am in this large black hole.
This thing called DID has me very confused.
P has tried to explain, but truth is , I don't understand.
Bonnie is the smart one, but we still can't find her.

I don't feel I have anything left to give. I don't know how to exist.

Sam still sobs very loudly.we hear her in the night.
there is still nothing I can do.
P is off today so I am trying to be quiet and not bother her.
i didn't know what else to do but to come to this place and write,
only I don't even know what to write.

Inside is dark and filled with crying, yet no one is saying anything.
how can I explain to you what is going on, when I don't understand it myself.
I don't know how to stop my own tears,
I am not used to having them, and they hurt.

Bonnie is my best friend, only she doesn't know it.
sometimes I think I know more then she does.
I know she felt the babies ripped out with me, I know she was there when we were raped.

I usually cuss a lot,
but that was just a way to make people think I was tough, people can't hurt you when your tough.

I look at the phone and there's no one to call.
I look outside and there's nowhere to go.
I've protected us for so long, no one knew we were crazy.
no one knew the hurt.
but I don't have that strength anymore.
I'm tired and alone,
really tired.

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BONNIE WENT AWAY

2012-03-03T15:42:00.000-06:00

This is Bongo writing......
we all had a terrible day yesterday.....
when we went to the beach somehow Sam was left out.....
she has never been out before..
and to my surprise Bonnie stayed back....
I took Sam back to the apt where she sat crying scared and alone waiting for Bonnie...
At some point Bonnie had spoken to her mother who said she was coping fine and didn't need therapy anymore...
this news crushed and angered Bonnie..
at that point Bonnie got very angry and pushed Sam away and through PBB(a bunny P gave to Bonnie that her and Sam share) across the room...

Bonnie yelled out:
I am gonna die ..watch me....
and she took a handfull of pills at which point we all blacked out....
when we woke up Bonnie was gone and a scared 9 year old girl Sam was sitting crying very scared just waiting for Bonnie to return.....
she sat like that waiting for Bonnie all day..
Sam wanted to go home which is the beach for her.
she cried sobs that were so loud and I in no way could console her....
she and I talked to P on Skype and I told P I was gonna try to get her back to the beach and me out.....

it's easier for me to get out of the beach because I don't fear the same pain Bonnie does..
So we went....
I focused real hard and we were back at the beach Sam was home yet still sobbing for her friend Bonnie....
then i counted like P taught us so i could get out...1......2..........3.......4.........5 wakeup and smell... vanilla on PBB and I was back...
it's been 24 hours and Bonnie is still missing......
as I am writing this the tears are still falling...

this is a horrible horrible hurt......
Today P brought us in on a saturday to try and help......
I took us to the beach...
and P tried to explain to me and Sam what was happening especially after talking to our mother.....
with tears still falling she talked to Sam...
and was hoping that Bonnie was listening......
Sam still had tears clutching PBB...
so P read Sam's favorits book: Green eggs and Ham..
.it seemed to calm sam down a bit...
she asked if sam wanted to stay at the beach awhile and she said yes...
and frankly I was comfortable there too...

we laid down on P's couch finding that 2 hours had past...
it was probably the best rest any of us has had,,,
the safest place..
and we woke up seeing P's face smiling......
she brought me out of the beach and we were able to leave the office...

we feel a little scared since we wont see P till tuesday..
so we'll just stay in our room where it is safe and wait.....
we will just wait...

As always........

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Comparison: The Thief of Joy

2012-03-01T13:15:00.000-06:00

Corinne, the author of Everyday Gyaan has invited bloggers to participate in a Blog Hop from March 1st-

March 10th. She and Linda Lee came up with this wonderful idea and will be sharing their opposing views as well.

'the linky provided at DangerousLinda or EverydayGyaan' with appropriate links to those sites.

Be sure to read and comment on other bloggers’ posts in the hop. It’s a great way to get to know each other and expand our cyber-community of awesome writers and thinkers.

I can compare a lot..and it does rob my joy..whatever that is..See I suffer from a mental illness called DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder)..I have always felt myself being compared to others...she's faking it.. she's no good..she nuts..she's dangerous...And I have Often been shunned by others including the people of my church..I'd hear them talking behind my back....and no I'm not paranoid...My family even has judged me calling me the crazy one....the fragile one,, the one that won't get anywhereI have always felt out of place..even through my blog I see judgement and comparaison...all this judgement and comparison has brought me great sadness...comparaison can hurt...because I don't feel I am given a fair chance to be myself.....I am different I know..but I am still me...I still have a heart for others...and I still want to be loved for who I am.... ME

A CELEBRATION THANK YOU

2012-02-28T08:21:00.000-06:00

This is a different post.....this is a special post....
I have never been about stats ....
but this one is big...
and I thought a celebration was in order....

Today I reached a milestone....
before I say what that milestone is I want to say....
thank you ..to YOU...
To everyone who has just passed by..
to everyone who has left me a hug, a prayer..and some love...

to everyone who has encouraged me along the way....
to everyone who has let me know I am NEVER alone....
to everyone who has come along on my journey.....
for it is all of YOU that keep me writing and healing......

I thank and love you all from the bottom of my heart..........

I am proud to announce that BONGO IS ME has just hit 100,000 hits since it's beginning...

And this video Is my YOU TUBE TUESDAY..

Originating , at Its Tiger Time, You Tube Tuesday is a day set aside for sharing your favorite video. Feel free to join in and let's have fun seeing how creative us bloggers can be! Each month If you participate, please remember to leave your link in the Linky Tool that is available at:
http://itstigertime.blogspot.com/

It is also what I believe in my heart

As always........

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PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME

2012-02-26T15:28:00.000-06:00

I feel i'll be judged with this post...
I mean how can someone have a smiling laughing moment...
and then dive down into such darkness.....
well this is how this Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) works...
I never know from day to day...
who will be out and what the noise in my head has me do.....

I like the laughing smiling moments....
they are a breather for my brian.....
and I detest the dark abyss I always end up back in......
that's where I am now ..
in the dark abyss.....

I am heavily drugged yet wake up with horrific nightmares......
during the day I flash back and feel it as if it's happening now....
I lose quite a bit of time in my day..
having no awareness of where I have been......

yesterday I went out in public to a conference.....
Bongo walked in.....
when we were calm I was there...
and even Sam was there for awhile and was drawing on paper.....
she was still drawing her stories...
but at one point I knew she smiled at P....

this disorder just plain sucks....
I hate it....
you are trapped within your mind...
and there's no escape other then death...
it's at these times that the Suicide Ideation is so strong....
the thoughts race in my mind and I am often planning my own death...
because death to me is peace..
freedom from this dreaded disease..

please don't judge me...
i have little or no control of what happens...
even with P on my side it still sucks..
it still hurts...
remember this disorder came from repeated horrific abuse...
abuse that was so bad my mind and body could take no more...
so my mind split off into others so that they could help me survive...
I rarely talk about the details of abuse because it hurts me and I see no reason to write about that...
but if you'd like to read all the gory details of the abuse you can read it here:

Trigger warning/ A CHILD WAITS

Please don't judge me....
please....

As always

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THIS MOMENT

2012-02-24T11:33:00.000-06:00

THIS MOMENT

A single photo

No words

Yup we did it again!!!!!!!!!!!
TOTALLY UN PLANNED
4 FOR 4

THANK YOU P

capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remeadopted from SouleMama which was introduced to me by Sarah-Jane, of ALMOST THERE. If you find yourself touched by a Moment and would like to participate, post your picture on a Friday and leave your link in the comments section.

PLEASE HURRY

2012-02-23T12:08:00.000-06:00

the last 3 days I have been lost in some surreal abyss....
I kept completely isolated...
sharing nothing that was inside me...'..
since my last post things have changed....
I missed an appt with P...
I don't know if I was so drugged that I slept though or....
if some of us didn't wanna go and face anything......
since going to the beach on monday and looking at sams pictures it has taken me back to where i was first stuck......

I had never ever spoken to anyone about the details of my abuse....but I finally did with Z....
Z said we were gonna burn it...
we burned a piece of paper...
but never processed any of which I told him..there was no time he was leaving.....
so i buried it along with the feelings deep inside......
I feel i have been stuck in it ever since...
it's come through to haunt me in nightmares...
flashbacks..and intense body memories....
none of which I know how to stop.......
we started processing a little bit with P but everything had gotten in the way and again it was put on hold...
but evidently I and others in me can't hold it any longer.
today i spoke a bit to P with fear inside.....
we went to the beach..
and i could hear her whispers and feel her touch......

this has been far the worst week I have had in awhile...

on quite a few occasions i have woken with needles in my arm..
that would be Ju JU's way of killing us.....

I have had my own thoughts of ending my life...
The suicide ideation is at a peak...
and I haven't stopped crying for 3 days..,

we're afraid to talk about it again..
the details cause we will feel it and it will never go away....
we are doing nothing..
we are isolating the best we can..

as we don't want to be in contact with anyone now.....
we just want to sleep and cry..
we don't know how to do it any other way..

do we start all over again with p..
do we trust her not to leave us stuck..
do we trust her not to hurt us...

we wanna be done..
we want it to be over....
no more..
we can take no more hurry

As always.....

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RELIVING TRAUMA

2012-02-20T13:40:00.000-06:00

So what is that saying???
back in the saddle again....
only I don't want to be riding again.....
I'd rather avoid the ride...
we took a reprieve from the trauma stuff...
to get the public aide stuff taken care of.....
during that time I still had high suicide Ideation..
but the flashbacks and flooding were less....
I didn't have to face anything about my past.....
and I would like to keep it that way forever...
but Friday when I saw P....
I went to the beach...
and I held Sam's hand......
Sam can see everything..and in holding her hand I can see......
she doesn't understand...
that I don't wanna see and I don't wanna feel.....

I have always had sams pictures and stories in my head since I was very young...
but it was like a movie playing in my head..
it was someone else not me.......
but Sam wants me to see .....
listen to her stories and feel it....

so over the weekend I flooded... ..
had flashbacks..
and felt very clingy on P....
finally by Sunday things were calming down and I was able to distract.....

when I told P about it she said Monday we go back to processing...
I;m not sure what that really means ..
but I had an agenda for monday....
avoid as much as possible and try and talk with Sam at the beach again.....
so i was successful i avoided processing...
and took a trip to the beach.......

Sam was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs....
and had her hand out waiting for me........
I was not allowed to go to my tunnel.....

I was to hold her hand so she could show me her pictures....
she spoke words about it......
by time i left p's office and got in the car i was lost....
sam was talking at me and showed me where in her folder these pictures were.....
in looking at the pictures I felt my wrists burning.....
my ankles hurting and pain in my private parts......
I was having intense body memories.....
so right there in the car in the parking lot I went away,,,,
I didn't come back or realize the time till P came out to check on us...
i was still holding sams pictures and my car was running..
it had been an hour....
what is this processing stufff????????
talking about it over and over again..
what good does that do..
what happens when i listen to sam..
what happens when i feel it so intensely that i want to die?

Sam says I need to hear and see...
I need to feel it to be one with her.....
well I don't wanna feel it...

so I have been triggered today...
and I'm writing fast to get it out before I can't..
before I go back in the black hole....
and the suicidal thoughts take over..

it bothers me a lot that on Saturday I wanted to call P
...we were struggling ..
and I just couldn't do it...
and I wonder how bad it has to get before I will ask for help...
or will I just wait till it too late and I take my own life...
will it be too late.....

As always...

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THIS MOMENT

2012-02-17T12:54:00.001-06:00

THIS MOMENT

A single photo

No words

Yup we did it again!!!!!!!!!!!
TOTALLY UN PLANNED
3 FOR 3

THANK YOU P

LAUGHING IS GOOD

2012-02-16T13:23:00.000-06:00

Last night I was going into a dark black hole......
I had decided ....
or maybe more then just Me..
had decided ....
we had enough.....
we didn't wanna see P anymore....
we didn't wanna do the work....
we weren't gonna go in the mornin....
we had enough..
we quit...
just let us die......

This morning we woke up at 9:46 am ...
we had a 10:00 am appt with P.....
we jumped then said "fuck it"we ain't goin.......
next thing ya know we were rushing to make our appt on time.....
we made coffee and ran out the door.....
rushing so much we forgot PBB.........
I remember driving..
wondering why I was in the car and.....
why was I even bothering...
and really upset we didn't have PBB.....

so we arrived only a few minutes late...
we were determined to tell P that we were never coming back ...
that we quit...

well I don't know who that was....
cause it never happened....

Today i was probably the most relaxed I had ever been.....
there was even laughter....

Sometimes avoiding the bad stuff is a good thing.....
I ..me..was present for most of our time there...
I was aware of a few who were close....
but it was my time to be there...
it was my time to rest...
I needed the laughter.....

All through the hour ..
I and Sam were very aware that Pbb was not with us...
so in light P had mentioned that PBB needed an alter.....
and we really laughed.....

but why not??
why not a little humor mixed with the reality?????
so P is out looking for an alter for PBB....

I believe this will be a successful mission....

And tomorrow..
well I guess we'll see......

As always....

THE ALTERS COME FORWARD

2012-02-15T12:50:00.000-06:00

I have avoided a lot of things lately ....
but Sam has been very close...
so it was time for the beach..
P allows me to take myself to the beach..
cause as long as I know she is there I know .....
I can go and she will keep me safe and help me get out..........
so that's what we did..
I took myself to the beach to see who wanted to talk to P.....
and allow me to go to my tunnel and go rest on my private beach...
I went deeper and deeper and the others came forward...
I have some memory of what went on..
some of it I wish I didn't have...

it seems somehow I am going back into trauma therapy.......
which I would like to forever run from...

Lil Bits

P told me she talked to Lil Bits who is only 7 years old....
she wanted to know if P loved us..
if she loved us special..even if were bad....
she wanted to know if P would hurt us....
P assured her she loves us all and no one is bad and she will not hurt us....
she will love us for always....

SAM

Then it it was Sams turn...
I remember little of that conversation..
I purposely tried to ignore it..
but I know there were tears and I know Sam is disappointed in me....
she wants me to here her stories..
(our abuse) and I have heard them all before..
I have seen her pictures.....
I have talked about our abuse but I have not felt it for myself.....
she wants to share her pain with me......
she wants to be rid of it...
she wants to be one with me.....
I don't want to feel it..
i want to take her pictures and throw them away...
forever be gone....

P has also suggested that I teach Sam how to use my phone...
because if we need help it would be Sam who would call P...
not me....
I'm not sure how to do that but I think it's a good idea...

JU JU

Then Ju Ju came..
Ju ju gave birth to my daughter and it was traumatic....
I have written about it before....
but somehow ju Ju knows all Sams pain...
Ju Ju had plenty of tears.....
and I don't quite understand it all....
Ju JU had an episiotomy when she gave birth..
and the doctor said don't worry I'll fix this scar for you...
and apparently in fixing that scar....
we all believed that no one would believe....
what happened to us..
when we were young..
we thought if the scar was gone then there was no evidence..
and no one would ever believe us.....

P said she believes us...
she believes everything ....
and we believe her...
P has been nothing but true, real and loving to us....
and we all love her too...

there is so much ......

living with DID that I don't understand.....
I am book smart about it but I can not understand it for myself....
it all gets confused in my head....

so back to work we go ...
back into remembering and reliving the trauma...
I don't want to do it at all......
but If I have to do it ...
I'm glad we have P.....
we trust her more then any other....
and she will hold our hand through it all......

We love you P

As always.........

IS THIS HOW NORMAL PEOPLE REACT?????

2012-02-13T12:49:00.000-06:00

Anyone that knows me ...
knows I do not do death.....
let me clarify.....
I dont do other peoples death.....
my death is easy and the idea brings peace for me.....
If someone dies...
close or not...
I ignore it...
no tears just stuff it...
That is how I always handled grief....

When Z left me I experienced grief for the first time...
I had never felt anything like that before...
I had uncontrollable crying for weeks.....
and I was inconsolable ...
nothing anyone did or said made any difference......
I would just stay in my bed and sobbed...
to me this is what death feels like ......
a pain that will never go away...

Then my friend LISA BRANDEL wrote a special guest post for me you can read it here:

TO UNDERSTAND IS TO HELP....

I was amazed when I had read Lisa"s words..
she described exactly what I was feeling .......
she understood where I was before I understood it.....
yes I was grieving a relationship lost..
which was to me death...
yes i was experiencing and feeling death..

A few days ago Whitney Houston died..
I didn't know her personally but she had touched my life over the years....
and I found myself crying for days..
and I realized i was grieving...
I was doin death...
I was doing something......
reacting in a way "NORMAL"people react......

I don't like this thing called death....
I don't like it that I am now able to feel it...
My friend said I am healing ...
because I am feeling........
but now that I'm feeling it what do I do with it?
where do I place it.....
It hurts...
it needs a place to go so it doesn't hurt..

why doesn't thoughts of my own death affect me...
why do i feel peace about it?
it's all still so confusing to me......
Please help me understand......
how do you do death???

As always..........

DARKNESS IN THE NIGHT

2012-02-11T16:07:00.000-06:00

I saw P a little bit later in the day...
and we went to the beach...
I was calm enough that I could get through the tunnel to my private beach...
where I was able to rest a bit.....
and P was able to talk to whoever came out to her..
I was deep enough that I have no memory who was there except for Sam...
there are times I wish I had knowledge of who was there and what was said..
and other times I am thankful that I don't....

last night when we left P's office we felt ok...
a litt;e anxious but ok.....
it was dark out and the wind was howling.....
we ran quickly to our room and put our cuddly

blanket on and cuddled with PBB...
telling ourself that everything was ok...
but we knew what was happening...
the flash backs and flooding were about to take over..
we were alone ...
the boys were gone....
we did not feel safe...
there was no one here to save us....
and my mind took over from there.....

when we were young and terrible things were happening to us..
we would look at the light bulb and make ourselves really small ..
and we went into the lightbulb.....
last night I made myself small ....
went into the lightbulb and left the others behind......
I was screaming inside from fear..
only no one heard me....

at some point Sam came out and contacted P.....
I....Me...Bonnie...
was stuck in a flashback....
and alone....
I don't know what time it was but P called us....
the song..
P's song on my phone called me out..
and we heard her voice and was very grateful......

Sam told P we took a bunch of pills and we did..
we don't remember what we took ..
but it wasn't enough to die..

just enough to keep us numb and let us go into a deep sleep..

we haven't been this scared in a long time.....
P said to remind ourselves that we were safe..
which wasn't easy to do..
cause we were alone and we didn't believe we were safe..
we were feeling very young and alone.......

we ended up passing out..
and P called to check on us around 9 am..
she said it would be good to get up and make coffee....
at which point we fell back to sleep and making coffee at 12....
still feeling lethargic from the pills taken the night before...

I don't wanna talk about stuff anymore..

I don't want to remember and feel it....
like it's happening now...
I don't want to remember....
I want it all to stop.....
just stop it all...

As always..........

THIS MOMENT

2012-02-10T12:38:00.000-06:00

THIS MOMENT

A single photo

No words

Yup we did it again!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU P

SLEEP IT AWAY

2012-02-07T13:31:00.000-06:00

There are days when there are happy moments...
like friday...

and then there are days like yesterday and today...

when the darkness returns and I again am looking for an escape..
Yesterday I had the opportunity to see Z again..
and though I always look forward to seeing him..
my thoughts and feelings again get very mixed up....
Sam and I both walked into the building..
the only one to know that would be me..
no one else would ever notice...
as we walked in there was a heavy fog around us....
and our belly was doin flips.....
I stood and held up the wall a few minutes....
before he noticed I was there...

he came right over and gave us a hug...
we had to hold back the tears.....
We had a chance to chat with L...
Z's wife for a few..
and we got a hug from her too..
she gives the warmest hugs..
after hugging Z 4 times (not that I was counting) ...
and hearing him say ...
As always...Hang in....

we left with really confusing feelings and thoughts...

Then there is today...
we overslept never heard our alarm....
and we missed our appt with P...
this has only happened once before....
but now I sit here beating myself up....
with tears that won't stop.....
we are taking so many meds...
with new ones introduced...
that we are sent into a deep sleep....
and we hear nothing.....

I feel bad too for Sam..
she was looking for P yesterday and I promised her we would see P today...
but I screwed up...how do you explain this to a 9 year old......
and I might never know why Sam wanted to talk to P.....

so today is a sad day...
we aren't liking ourselves..
and hear negative things in our head.....
we just wanna take more drugs and sleep this away..
just sleep it away...

As always......

YOU TUBE TUESDAY

2012-02-07T09:57:00.001-06:00

Originating , at Its Tiger Time, You Tube Tuesday is a day set aside for sharing your favorite video. Feel free to join in and let's have fun seeing how creative us bloggers can be! Each month If you participate, please remember to leave your link in the Linky Tool that is available at:
http://itstigertime.blogspot.com/

THIS IS WHAT IT"S LIKE TO HAVE DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DOSORDER

THIS MOMENT

2012-02-03T11:25:00.001-06:00

THIS MOMENT

A single photo

No words

Thank you P :)

capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remeadopted from SouleMama which was introduced to me by Sarah-Jane, of ALMOST THERE. If you find yourself touched by a Moment and would like to participate, post your picture on a Friday and leave your link in the comments section.

CHANGING WHAT'S REAL

2012-02-02T17:43:00.001-06:00

Changing What's Real Event

At the beginning of each month ANNA will be showcasing a photo gallery displaying the original photo and the subsequent editions that have been done. There will be a linky tool available for anyone who would like to join in the fun. The event will begin here the first day of each month and continue until the last day of the month. :

Here's my try :

Ok I'm not a photographer but this was fun !!!! Thanx Anna Sides !!

changing-whats-real-month-4.

SWITCH AND GET STUCK

2012-02-01T14:40:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here in a very lethargic state...
due to new meds being introduced...
I feel scattered and far away...

I've been telling P I forgot how to talk...
the public aid and disability has been in the way..
and I have stuffed all the other things that have been goin on...
.

Sam sits by my side constantly wanting to tell her stories..
and I don't know how to let that happen again...
I don't ever want to go back to talking about her stories/abuse again...
I have been getting lost and switching a lot lately...
some that I have share with P ..
some that I have not..

the suicide ideation s still at a peak...
I think about all the ways I can take this life...

P says depression is clouding my thoughts..

maybe that's true ..
but the thoughts are still there...

Ju JU has been prevalent..
up front and she wants nothing more the to die...
Sam wants to dance at the beach with me and be free...
Bongo has been out a few times and has helped me get through some things..
like actually visiting a doctors office..

I'm so tired and out of sorts..
I'm losing a fair amount of time....
when I switch and get stuck the....
one thing that brings me back is hearing P's song on my phone...

it's the song
Together"from gypsy........this one I found with Liza Minnelli and Judy Garland

JU JU

As always.......

YOU TUBE TUESDAY

2012-01-31T10:56:00.000-06:00

SUICIDE SURVIVER/LISA BRANDEL/REAL LIFE SERIES

2012-01-28T16:01:00.000-06:00

This is the twenty-second in a series of posts ......it's about real struggle..real life...real pain...and getting through to the other side....thank you to all my guests for helping me find my voice...

Today I am honored to share a post by:

LISA BRANDEL…This woman has touched my life in so many ways….I first found Lisa on her wonderful Blog The widow Lady…She did an awesome guest post for me on grief..she wrote about exactly where I was when I was..Today she talks about her own pain ..and I cry as I read it…Thank you LISA BRANDEL for being here for me once again…

Just like it was yesterday.

I’ve had a companion with me these past few months, one who has been clinging tight to my back and making my journey harder. The other day a post Bonnie did forced me to look at this gorilla on my back. It was not easy to do, but I’ve lived with this for so long I believed that it might help her in our journey, with her constant companion. Up until yesterday, only one person knew anything about it in detail, my mother. Not even my late husband knew what I am about to share here for you, at Bonnies request. I have been told many times over my life that I internalize my feelings, and I do, so hold hands with me now as I let this bit of history I’ve hidden away out for healings sake.

The irony here is that this happened well over 20 years ago, and yet it is topical to today. There have been a rash of kids who have either tried or successfully killed themselves over bullying. Back in my day (not to sound old) but there were just as many, it’s just their stories weren’t put in the paper. And that is where my story begins.

I was bullied in school. Mercilessly. I was a sensitive child, and even though my parents were good and did their best to instill confidence in me, the words and actions of my peers had a much greater weight than their words of love.

Kids called me hungry, hungry hippo, they used to sing and chant it at me at the lunch table, and when they ruined my lunch to where I was so sick I couldn’t eat, the lunch teacher helped them make fun of me…by making me sit by myself as kids filed out jeering at me, until “I eat everything on my plate”. When I did eventually, I’d go to the bathroom and throw it all up. It lead to a cycle of bulimia and anorexia the effects of which I still feel today.

The names and faces of all this have blurred with time, repression, forgiveness, and release. But some instances stand out. Returning to the gym locker room to discover someone had spit a hocker in my clothes or wiped their period blood on my stuff. Being out with my friends on a Halloween night and being singled out by 3 high school boys, who after my friends ran away, took turns kicking me in the ribs. Me trying to stand up for myself, only to have one of my bullies run and get an adult to protect them from ME. The adult threatened ME with calling the police and called ME a little bitch for picking on these poor group of girls!! And what ultimately lead to my breaking point…the torture on the bus. A pair of girls made it their life’s mission to torment me on the bus. I never did anything to them, but it happened so much that every morning I would wake up and puke with nerves.

After school I would miss the bus on purpose and walk home so I could avoid that evening’s abuse.

The day at school had been terrible. The T-shirt that my parents bought me on a trip was ruined by someone wiping themselves while on their period with it. And I was at my wits end with it all. I had tried to reach out for help from teachers, who either ignored it, or told me to suck it up. I was walking home from school to avoid the bus bullies when I ran into one of them on the way home. I tried to avoid them, but they headed straight for me. I remember screaming, I remember trying to get away, and I remember getting beat up. I didn’t defend myself, because of all things, I didn’t want to hurt another human being. Not even one who was intent on hurting me. Eventually they left, and I made it home.

I never let them see me cry. I never gave them that. I took my licks with as much dignity as I could muster. But when I got home I started bawling and couldn’t stop. The grasp I had on life was gone, and I hated. Not them. Me. And I had to stop the pain and the hate, and the only way I thought to do it was to end my own life.

It’s a blur now. I remember taking lots of pills. I remember getting into my parents alcohol to wash it down. I remember sitting on my bed wondering why I wasn’t dead already. I remember then begging God not to let me die. I remember seeing my parents and thinking how dumb I was not to want to hurt the people who were mean to me, but how much hurt they would have if I died. I remember struggling to eat something. I remember struggling to make sure my parents did not see what I had done. I remember going to bed early. I remember struggling to breathe. I remember waking up hanging over the side of my bed with blood dripping from my nose and drool dripping from my mouth. I remember begging God more. I remember the pain in my body. I remember the smell and taste of medicine.

And then by some miracle, I remember waking up that morning. I got sick several times, but I was alive.

I got up that morning and I swore I’d never do it again. I would never try to take my life again. What didn’t change is the desire to die. Days turned into weeks, turned into months, turned into years. Years passed and I walked in a living private hell of wanting desperately to die, struggling each day to hold on to any thread of a reason to want to live. It was a process of choices, counseling, spiritual growth, forgiving myself and others to keep putting one foot in front of the other and making the choice to live.

It took me years to be able to say, “I’m a suicide survivor.”

Long after all this happened and I had grown into an woman of positivity, the unthinkable happened. I found someone I love, who had been disintegrating for months previous, dead by their own hand. I tried CPR…I tried begging…but they were gone.

Forgiveness came quickly. That wasn’t hard. After all, I knew what the struggle to live was about. I could empathize with the moment they found themselves in.

But it brought back my own struggle in memory. Vivid color of a life’s struggle, and I began to withdraw from people. I shut down mentally and emotionally to protect myself from visiting that dark place I’d been before. I already struggled with PTSD from other events, and now I had the flashes of his dead cold body lying there, seeing things I should never have had to see.

Thank God, I had grown. Thank God, I had a foundation of healing behind me, and that I had endured what I had to become the woman whose heart followed a lighter path. Because as close to the edge as this even brought me, I did try, and still am to share what was going on inside me. Some people didn’t understand, and that’s ok. Some people disbelieved me when I tried to share just how black I felt inside, and it didn’t bother me. Some people thought I was a hypocrite for shelling out positive things when I myself felt so black inside, that is ok too. They can think anything they want to, because at the end of my life only I stand accountable for me. This is my journey. My struggle. And in time I will make it my victory.

Because I laid the foundation of my healing, in my faith and words, the event has broken me again, but has not destroyed me. It won’t’ and I won’t allow it to. Life is worth every tear shed, ever drop of my blood, and every pain I endure.

My name is Lisa, and I am a suicide survivor.

Please visit Lisa's amazing Art here:

Lisa brandel art and human condition