Boom Bab Lala

That Ring

2016-07-22T17:01:00.001+08:00

Just out of curiosity, what does wearing a ring on your left ring finger means to you?

Call me old-fashion but to me, a ring on one's left ring finger means that person is taken. Married, engaged or simply attached is not the point. It simply means that person is taken. It means DO NOT hit on that person. It means stay a reasonable amount of distance away physically or emotionally.

I myself, when first meeting a guy, I look at the ring finger. If there is a ring or a faint line that implies a ring has just been removed not long ago, I say Hi and then stay a reasonable distance away. Of course, if there is nothing there, I will get possessed by 青蛇。Muahahahahaha!

Bad habit but when I want to know how my friend's relationships are going, I look at their ring fingers first. The moment I see the rings gone, alarm bells start going off. Because wearing a ring to declare to the world you are taken takes so much courage. To remove it, simply implies something's wrong, no?
To me, the ring that you wear represents your commitment and your love for your spouse, your faithfulness. Removing it means you are breaking the commitment.

I never believe in excuses like forgetting to wear a ring or having to remove it because of some sports. Come on la, want to hide it means want to hide it. No excuses. After all, if you really love something, you protect it the best way you can - which means you keep every possible temptation out of the way.

So, maybe the next time you wear a ring or wants to remove it, understand the commitment you are giving to another and what it means when you remove it.

Advice or A Realization?

2016-04-11T02:02:00.000+08:00

And so today, I am once again amazed at myself with the advice I gave.

I realized - it is when one is giving advice to another, that is when you type out what you exactly feel.

In one of the support groups I was involved in, I was telling another single mum this when I realize it was what I was telling myself:

"I feel that eventually you need to think what makes you happy. If you close your eyes and picture yourself 20 Years down the road, is this the person you want beside you and your answer Is No, then it's best to let go. You don't need to kick that person away immediately. We all know how how hard it is letting go, especially when you did give your heart at one point and love that person.....So do it at your own pace and comfort, but first and foremost, remember it's your happiness that comes first."

This was after a long conversation about how her husband loved her before marriage and before the kid comes along.

Maybe because my own love life is not at it's best stage now. Maybe it is becoming normal that love is replying a few texts now and then. Maybe it's a norm that people just give the bare minimum. Looking at more and more soon-to-be-broken relationships, I am starting to question myself - what the fuck is wrong with people these days?

Do we really love or we took the infatuation at first, made it look like love, made empty promises to another then take the easy way out by ghosting?

Smell the toffee nut lattes!

2015-11-02T12:47:00.002+08:00

November....the loveliest time of the year.

It means Thanksgiving is just around the corner.

Starbucks have got Toffee Nut Lattes back in the stores!

Orchard Road is going to be one beautiful light show.

Christmas songs will be ringing in our ears everywhere we go.

There will be lots of cooking and baking - bring out the Beef Wellingtons!

Everyone will be eating and drinking far, far too much.

All the friends who had left the country will be home soon for Christmas!

What is there not to love when you can feel love in the air?

Even a stroll to get lunch at the cafe makes you wanna skip a little.

I love that feel of warmth. And now...it's time to think of new recipes, bring out the champagne glasses, call up the friends and get prepared for this year's Christmas parties!

Do we really not want or are we really just scared?

2015-10-10T23:09:00.000+08:00

I once made this statement just before going on a date:

"I go on dates expecting it to be the last date because people MIA all the time. It is called a positive outlook towards the very brutal dating scene. We being Librans are losing out so much because we want Love. We are losing out to those FWB/ Flings/ Open Relationships ones because we simply only want Love. So the only way is to force our mindsets to change and throw Love out of the window. Not that we don't want Love. It's that we cannot want it."

This was actually in response to a girlfriend who asked me why I can date again and again even though nothing actually ever works out to something serious eventually. She wonders why I can be focused and go gaga over a person one week and cut off all emotions for that person come the following week.

The difference between us is that she is the kind of women who would rather not fall for someone because she knows it's painful when it ends. She would rather not have it then lose it all.

I on the other hand is like a soldier at the frontline who will fall hard, go for it all the way, whine then drink too much wine when everything ends then stand up and do it all over again. I live life believing "You only regret the things you have never done". And so I rather have it and lose it then never have it before.

Is she being safe or am I being too willful? Is she being careful or am I living life at the edge? Will she ever one day meet someone who will make her let down her guard? Or will I meet someone who can actually make me lose my "cut off emotions" skill?

In our current world where dating means drinks and sex for that night and if you are lucky, a few more meet ups for sex; where showing your interest in someone is sending random text messages instead of meeting face to face; where most people cant't be bothered in investing their love and time in another person......have we all somehow been pushed to the point where we are scared to fall in love? Have we all used "we don't want" as a cover to hide our fear of getting out there to love then crash and burn?

In the now brutal dating world, have we all become cowards?

Swipe, Swipe, Swipe

2015-07-30T16:53:00.000+08:00

With the influx of single people searching for love around the globe now, Yours Truly had also jumped on-board the swipe-swipe-swipe craze.

Seriously, what else can a girl do on a tiny island to meet men? The ones I meet in face are very often married, attached, gay or has some weird fetishes....

Moreover, hiding behind the phone app to judge people - yes, I do judge and so do you - is so much more fun. I can make the puke sound openly or cringe my face or go "awwwwww....so handsome, must be gay!".

So, during one of those afternoon chats with a co-worker, we touched on the very interesting topic about the people I date.

See, S is a co-worker I am quite closed to and she has been beside me through my OKC journey since god-knows-when. Ok, well, half the journey since I haven't knew her last August yet. Because we see each other at work everyday so she gets fresh updates on the people I date.

We both concluded that :

The people I date are mostly weird
The ones I like don't like me
The ones I don't like love me to death
I attract attached men
I attract either old men or young boys
I LOVE ah bengs
I don't seem to attract any single, around-my-age, mentally stable people
If something gets a little more serious, it is over in a week. (we have since concluded I have a one week curse)

And so on that one boring afternoon, S suddenly list down the nicknames of all the weirdos I date and told me to write about this because "Dating in SG with the weirdos I meet on OKC" sounds funny. And so, here we go :

1. Mr Emo Beng

He seemed like a nice guy, kinda sexy with his tattoo sleeve. Then I found out his ex-wife he has supposedly divorced is still staying with him in the same flat and he constantly tells me how much he hates her to the core. And he hates his boss and colleague too. He kinda hates the whole world and wants to kill everybody. Oh, btw he always ask me to go home myself cos he don't drive, which is fine...but he doesn't even let me get up the cab first. He got on the cab first always. He made me believe chivalry is dead.

Bye, Mr Emo Beng, I love my man to be a gentleman and I am getting out of here before you kill me too.

2. Mr I-am-triple-timing-but-I-want-exclusive-with-youuuuuu

S and I thought he looked cute in glasses and posing with a dog on OKC so when he asked me out for a Friday date, I said yes. First few dates were great. He was always gentlemen enough to send me home, walked me to my lift and make sure I get in before he goes. He also offered to bring Jay out together to play some time. Effort max hor? Until one day I saw a message on his phone screen that says "Honey, I am home leaw". I somehow become the third party. And upon asking more, he admitted he is also chatting with a few more girls. KNN la....I don't want to be 死小三 leh....%^&($#@

Bye, Mr Flirt, I know you date me cos I speak Thai and I look Thai but me mai chai your Thai teeruk ka!

3. Mr I-am-a-cheery-teacher-but-I-just-wanna-get-cheap-wine-and-get-laid

This was a big mistake. It was one of those Fridays so boring that I said yes to Mr Teacher when he asked me out. After all, he is a Teacher right? What can go wrong except him being a boring teacher. We were all wrong. Teacher got all touchy and infatuated with my legs. Yes, my legs. It all started when I crossed my legs and he said they look nice and tried to touch it.

Perverted Teacher, fuck off. I got the hell out of KPO as fast as I can. I think it was the first time I ran that fast after a few glasses of wine.

4. Mr I-am-so-boring-that-I am-chatting-to-myself

Enough said. I didn't even meet him.

5. Mr I-LOVE-LOVE-Terminator

Actually, I really like this one. The initial dates and "ahem" were near perfect. :)

Everything was almost perfect and so one fine Friday afternoon, we went for a movie date to watch Terminator Genisys. Now, those who know me knows I do not like shows like this. It was kinda painful to sit through the movie but since my eyes were affixed on him most of the time, I kinda enjoyed the date nonetheless. So, like any other dates, we went for dinner and drinks at this beautiful bistro at Bishan Park after the movie. Now, up to this point, everything - the movie, the hand holding, the flirty looks exchange, the beautiful restaurant, nice Pinot Noir, grilled to perfection fillet mignon - seem perfect, right? Then he decided to educate me on The Terminator, starting from Part 1 of the movie. Ah huh, yes he did. Which was fine, cos as he talked, I just looked at him with my I-am-so-in-love-with-you face...all the way till Terminator Part 4. I couldn't take it anymore and suddenly burst out laughing....and guess what? My Mr Perfect got really pissed that I laughed at Terminator that he cut the date short, sent me home and never spoke to me again!

There is actually an interesting Part II after this which I will blog separately. But it has since become a big office joke that I got dumped over Terminator Genisys. I am speechless till today.

6. Mr Prison Officer

S described him as Mr I-love-my-prison-officer-work-too-seriously-that-I-have-to-guard-my-girl-too. I just call him Mr Nice Guy for short. Hahaha....

Okay, this one is actually OK except a tad too controlling. For me....well, I guess I can't be tamed. There are women who will like him though. He is a good fit for women who :

Likes someone to text you to tell you he is going to work/ reach office/ going home/ reach home. Like a LIVE report 24/7, you know?
Controls your drinking
Question if a prawn fishing place's boss is going after you just because the boss offered you some extra prawns
Deletes your number when he is pissed
Blocks you on WhatsApp when he is pissed
Deletes all messages and pictures when he is pissed
Ask you to send him pictures as and when he is happy again
Tracks you on OKC and ask why your profile is active
Verbally insulting you when he is pissed

Sorry Sir, last I checked, I left elementary school like two decades ago. I don't do "I don't friend you" anymore.

----------------------------------------ll-----------------------------------------------

There are actually quite a funny ones but since it's just for laughs, I have picked the top 6 memorable (freaky) ones.

Plus, blogging takes up hours and I need to get back to my OKC app to swipe, swipe now........

Hello, 新年！

2015-01-26T10:56:00.001+08:00

把每一年的结束，都当成一次从新开始的机会。

今年，再也不要犯一直在犯的错。再不要花时间去在乎不怎样在乎我的人了。

Because...

2014-12-20T15:31:00.001+08:00

Whoever we are,

We hold in our hearts,

The memories of the times we have lived and loved.

Today is more meaningful.

For it is built on who we were, where we have been,

And the paths we have traveled.

- George Betts

Mind Games

2014-12-08T00:06:00.004+08:00

I am starting to have doubts for mankind.

Why do people like mind games?
Why is it so hard to be honest and upfront?

Being honest does not hurt anyone. In fact, it gives the other person a fair ground to stand on. That person can then decide to give more with eyes wide open. Or leave.

Stringing someone along is the hurtful thing. You cheat, you lie, you tell more lies to cover the initial lie.

One more week to 33

2014-10-12T11:23:00.002+08:00

Another milestone. Turning 33, that is.

Looking back, I have been blessed for the past year. Truly blessed.

Not like I have gone all the way up the career ladder or bought a house or anything huge. But I have found love and support amongst friends. Old friends, new found friends...they have all been too kind to me for the past year.

On my 32nd birthday, that was a turning point in my life.
I celebrated the end of a bad marriage, walking out of depression, learning how to be a single mum, clearing up the mountain of debts and managing all kinds of shit.

The past year was spent on re-building the career I had let slipped, working on friendships, learning to love myself, watching Jay grow up into Mr-Smart-Pants, learning that Life can be beautiful if I live it right.....
I have come quite far, I feel.

Turning 33 in a week....I wonder how my life will pan out from here.
There are so many things I want to do, dreams I want to fulfill, people I want to be with, places I want to go....will I be able to do them all?

Guts, don't disappear

2014-10-08T11:40:00.000+08:00

I have an issue.

I crave for a perfect (perfect admisdt imperfections) life.
I want to be loved.
I want to wake up smiling to the silly love text messages I see on my phone every morning.
I want to laugh and have someone laugh with me all the time.
I want someone to share my worries, my fears, my challenges.

And it seems like that someone has appeared.
But it seems so surreal. We hardly have time to see each other.
I crave for physical touch. I need quality time. I need attention.
As much as I love the "I love yous" and "You are amazings", I need someone with a human touch. Sometimes, it feels like I am texting and thinking about my imaginary friend.

What is wrong here? Is it me or is it that person?

Sometimes, just sometimes, I remember how I am always scared when something is too perfect. Like....when something is too good to be true, it usually is not true.

Zsa Zsa Zsu

2014-09-26T18:32:00.002+08:00

Zsa Zsa Zsu....

So many butterflies. And sparks. And fireworks. Boom...boom....boom!!!

Lovely butterfly feelings when you just want to be with someone.

Haven't felt like this in years. Happiness much! Sweetness overdosed!

Gimme me more. Me love it!

I still Believe that My One is out there somewhere

2014-09-22T19:04:00.001+08:00

I think, at our cores, no matter how jaded and cynical and bitter and burned we might claim to be - we're optimists.

We like to believe in love and happily ever after, and we like to believe that something is out there waiting for us. And so that is why we hold onto the could have beens, and all of the futures we painted in our heads but were never brave enough to admit.

It's hard to reconcile the fact that maybe, deep down, the way to get what we wanted was just to have The Talk with the other person before the cut-and-run.

And that's on us, and will ever be.

Sorry, I am not a Saint

2014-09-02T17:47:00.000+08:00

I am tired. Very tired of trying to live up to expectations.

I am on the verge of breaking. Almost there.

Just because I had fell and stood up before, it does not mean I can stand up everytime I fall. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I am just too tired. Sometimes I just simply have no more strength to do so.

I also want to be like an ungrateful brat and just fuck care everyone's expectations.

Keeping quiet does not mean I do not know anything or can't feel anything. But because sometimes some friendships are so important to me that I can give up anything and everything for that one friend.

Because I don't say what I did and so people assume I am a heartless and naive person. Unfortunately, I am not. I love a perfect world more than anything.

My Sorry is not for anything that I have done. I have done nothing wrong so far. Yes, I forgot dates and if there are no constant reminders, everything slips my mind. My Sorry is - if you think that I am a Saint and will be Miss Forever-Nice - sorry, but I am going to have disappoint you cos I ain't no Saint.

Two Different Worlds

2014-08-18T15:47:00.001+08:00

I like falling in love. I like dating. I like the courtship period.

Because this is when I get treated like the Queen. This is when someone gives in to me all the time. This is when someone says yes to my every request. This is when I get pampered. This is when I get spoiled. This is when I feel loved.

I am a true blue Libran. I am needy when I date exclusively. I need to feel loved. I need all the attention on me. Librans are happiest when they are in a relationship and I don't deny it. I love to be part of a group or partnership. The ground I walk on need not be worshiped but the insecure me needs lots of assurance.

And so, my bestties warned me that if someone cannot give in to my tantrums now that we are only in the courtship stage, it will be worse moving forward.

I think it makes sense too.

I guess some people are just from two different ends of the world.
We are just passer-bys in each other's lives and that is it.

One day, I will find someone who speaks my love language. That someone who will give me what I want and what I need.

Till then, bye to you from the other world. You were perfect for a few days. And I was blessed those few days. But reality has sank in. You can't do more. And neither will I settle for less.

Crazy and Dangerous? Nah.

2014-08-12T13:45:00.002+08:00

I am too wild and crazy? Nah.

I just don't want to live a safe and predictable life anymore.
I decided that if I am going to live my life for another ten years, I want to be able to talk about how exciting and interesting my life is when I am taking my last few breaths. I am now living on the edge, living a life dangerous and what some may call exciting.

See, some people decide to throw all caution to the wind not because they have gone mad. But because they are sick of giving their all but yet get nothing back except for heartbreak after heartbreak. Me too. Am tired and I admit, I am afraid of giving out a part of myself that could either be reciprocated or destroyed.

24 hours is all one needs.

To go from being adored, to being convinced this is it, to become one of two, to go from being scared to trying, to go from happy to exhilarated, to go from excited to realizing everything was not real.

This is the crazy thing call Life. Which makes my choice of Life looks normal now, no?

The Definition Of "Successful"

2013-07-18T00:58:00.000+08:00

suc·cess·ful

Adjective

Accomplishing an aim or purpose
Having achieved popularity, profit, or distinction.

One thing that is constantly on my mind :

Why is a woman considered successful only when she is married, have kids and has a successful career (as in a C-level position)?

After volunteering with SPSG, I met a lot of single mums (unwed/ divorcees/ widowed) who are doing as well as their married counterparts.

See.....

Married women are married with a husband. And then there's the image of a happy family with kids in tow.

Single mums (some) ~~are~~ WERE married too. Married, had kids, divorced - been there, done that. Unwed ones (are smarter) never had to go through the hassle of planning for a wedding or go through a torturous divorce. And we are happy with kids in tow too.

Married women go to work.

Single mums go to work too. Some even do OT to earn extra cash for themselves and their kids. And fight their way up the corporate ladders.

Married women have kids. And a husband to help out with the kid.

Single mums have kids too. They even pull double duty being Mama and Papa.

I thought that in modern times like now, we are very much more liberal.

Seems like not huh?

You're Going To Make The Best Single Mum Someday

2013-07-05T03:16:00.000+08:00

I recently came across a page on Facebook that supports single parents. I went through most of the profiles of the members and (NOT surprisingly) most of the members are female. And read through the posts and comments.
Woooooo, some of these women - you don't want to mess with them. The way they lash out at some insensible people makes me want to pop 100 bottles of champagne in one go. Hah!

Firstly, my apologies to the single dads that are bringing up a child (or children) on their own. I am not a single dad myself so I don't know what kind of challenges and difficulties they face.

But I am a single mum myself, with full custody to my son who is turning three this October. So, yes, I understand fully how single mums feel and I guess I have a right to lash out at some people. To those people talking like they know everything; criticizing single mums for being single mums; suggesting that single mums should go fight for themselves instead of being fed -- FUCK YOU and then YOU FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Coming from a single parent family myself, I knew it was hard having to raise a kid/ kids by yourself. When I decided to part ways with my ex-husband and raise my son myself, I finally found out how hard it is. Especially in Singapore.

For women that are not married when they gave birth, they are not entitled to Baby Bonus. Which is quite a significant amount of $4000. Then they are not allowed to apply for flats with HDB unless they are 35 and over. They get only 12 weeks of maternity leave instead of 16 weeks. They are entitled to only 2 days of child care leave per year instead of 6 days. The list goes on......

I don't understand. Really don't. As a single mum, we do not love our kids any lesser than parents who are married to one another. So why are we short-changed due to some stupid laws that was made by grandfather-of-dunno-who's-uncle's-cousin's-great-great-great X infinity-grandfather?

From what I have observed these few months, so what if the parents are married? Are they truly happy and giving the child a TRULY happy family? Are their kids REALLY happy?
I know of friends, despite being married, are cheating on their spouses. What message do they send to their child?
Some argue about money, maid, discipline issues day and night in front of the kid. What does that teach their kids?
The best one I came across - wife telling everyone on Facebook that the husband is cheating on her with some Vietnamese women. Her kids are in Primary school, can read and probably even own a Facebook account. So, what is she telling her kids?
So you see? Not every kid that has parents who stays married are happy.

I can't speak for all but I speak for a few - as single mums, we try hard and sometimes thrice harder because we know we are pulling double duty.
Financially, if we are lucky, we get some money from ex-husbands for maintainance, usually for the kid and very little for ourselves. My maintainance for myself is only SGD100 per month. Those that are not married, Mum's salary covers all expenses. And if you lose a job, that's it. So yes, we all work very hard just to put that three meals on the table.

Emotionally, we have no shoulders to rely on when we are tired from the stress of daily life. We have to fight a war in the corporate world out there; rush out of the office to pick up the kid; rush home to fix dinner; entertain the kid for an hour or two; wash them up and finally sing lullabies while putting them to bed. Weekends are possibly less strenuous a bit. But this is the majority of what we go through 80% of the time. So yes, some of us cry ourselves to sleep and yet put on a smile the next morning.

Mentally, some of us wants to pull our hair out on a daily basis but then there is no one for us to rant to. Especially when our kids piss the shit out of us. If you have a toddler who have learnt how to say "No" and "I don't want", you know what I mean. So yes, we sometimes shut ourselves from the whole world because we need to chill.

Not forgetting the times when we all have to put down our prides just so that we can have an easier way around things.
Or holding back our punches when people gives us the sympathetic look. Hello, we do not need your sympathy. We just need you to understand.

I am actually one of the more blessed ones around. When my ex-husband and I separated, my family and some really good friends jumped in and stood by me. They spent nights sitting with me while I cried and drink non-stop without saying a word; helped me sell away the car which was the biggest financial burden; sort out the bank loans; arranged for me to see a counsellor about my depression; introduced me a lawyer who consulted me free of charge...and more.
So, I can imagine, for the single mums out there who had to walk through the rain all by themselves, how tough it was for them. Many, many times, what they need is just a pat on the shoulder and encouragement so that they can have the strength to fight on.
For every single mum should know that no matter what happens, Mother is God in the eyes of a child. Even if you are not scoring a perfect 100% today, You Are Going To Make The Best Single Mum Someday.

For those that have nothing good to say, shut the fuck up la. No one ask you for your comments. Go talk to a toilet bowl. Your cock comments belong in there.

For those that had lend a helping hand to the many single mums out there, I thank you on their behalf. Every little thing that you have contributed - be it in material form or just the kindest words of comfort - it does mean a lot.

And now...very shamelessly, I am going to appeal for help. Haha...
There will be a collection drive at Blk 807, beside Khatib MRT Station this Sunday 7 July, from 9.30am-12.30pm. If you would like to donate baby items, milk powder (please hor...don't give expired or expiring milk powder), pampers, NTUC vouchers, etc, etc, etc......please make your way down to the location mentioned and pass the team your donations.
No matter how big or small your item is, it will really be deeply appreciated as you will be helping one needy single mum. For your help, a big THANK YOU in advance!

I need to be heartless

2013-01-18T14:12:00.004+08:00

"Those that are heartless; once cared too much"

So true. God damn it.

I need to learn to be HEARTLESS.
Lived for 31 years now and I still haven't learn to be mean.

I need to live up to the Bitch reputation.

It's your fucking integrity, you retards

2013-01-03T02:20:00.000+08:00

Honestly, I have been feeling a lot of anger in me whenever I think of this certain incident. No, not because I still love my ex-husband. But the fact that these people blatantly lied to me in my face.

I don't like lying. No, I don't. In fact, I hate liars. Not because I have now accepted God into my life. But because since I have learned how to differentiate nice people from Assholes, I came to learn that people with integrity DO NOT lie.

I was very pissed at my ex-husband's IC (IC as in in-charge. My ex-husband was in property) for covering up for my ex-husband and lying to me. Mind you, that IC - let's call him SC (I would love to term this as SHITTY CUNT but never mind) as these are his initials - was married and just had a baby in 2012.

So for a man who has a family, you would think he would have some fucking common sense. No, he did not. Despite knowing my ex-husband and a fellow female agent are going out together, SC lied to me that my ex-husband was with him that night and covered his arse.

And all the posts about Joseph Price's quotes on his Facebook disgusts me. Yes, seriously, fucking disgusting.

(ah yes, I saw SC's reply to my ex-husband, in EXACT WORDS : Glad to help you. I will need your help in future to lie to my wife.)

Then there is this mutual friend that called himself my friend. And tried to defend my ex-husband. To you, "my friend", FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.

As a friend, you saw me trying my best to save my marriage. You saw me going through depression. You saw me losing weight rapidly within two weeks. You saw me at a lost, not knowing what to do. You saw me trying to take my own life because I could not take it anymore. And all along, you and my ex-husband were going to Thai discos. And you knew my ex-husband was sleeping around with those Thai disco hookers. And you, "my friend", what did you do? You stood there and watched me like I am a clown.

Then, of course, there were the women that were lying along with my ex-husband.

I have been keeping quiet about these for the longest time. And I didn't tell everyone about it. Not because I am nice. I am a bitch in fact. The only reason I kept quiet was because I know how many families I would destroy, especially with all the text messages snapshots I have collected.

And today, right into the new year, I am going to let it all out.

So yes, to all the people who have lied to me : FUCK YOU VERY MUCH

And may Karma come around and fuck you in the arse with a cactus.

Last day of the year

2012-12-31T00:54:00.000+08:00

I lost a lot. And I gained a lot this year.

2012 is probably my life turning year.

Facing up to the truth that the person I married is not who I thought he is.
Knowing what and where went wrong and taking responsibility for it.
Finally found the guts to accept that there were too many lies and cheating in the marriage and I have to move on if I want a better life for myself and Jay.
Going through a very painful albeit a very much needed divorce.
Having the courage to tell everyone now that I am seperated and am now a single mum.
Having my son in and out of the hospital for a whole week and taking care of him all by myself 95% of the time.
Gone through terrible depression and losing 10kgs in two weeks.
Trust in God and the power he has.
Accepting the fact that God will not give me everything I asked for. But he will give me strength to face everything I need to face.
Going to church and bringing the little one with me.
Accepting God into my life on Christmas Day
Making my son learn what I've learned - the Piano. (Super happy about this)
Be decisive and stick to my decision.
And most importantly, after all the shit, I want to be a better person for Jay.

At times, I look back and wonder how and why everything happened the way it did. Sometimes, I understand and sometimes I don't.

I'm not sure how everything will turn out from now as being a single mum is really tough. Things that could be managed by two people needs to shouldered by one now.

Scared? I am sometimes. I just tell myself that I have to bite the bullet and strut on. Cos' that's life. The sun didn't and will not stop shining for anyone.

And as a friend puts it : When Life gives you lemons, you make lemonades out of them. Then find a friend whose Life has given them vodka and have a party!

走了，就不要再往回看

2012-12-24T02:24:00.000+08:00

人生的路要怎样走，是自己选择的。

决定要走哪一条路时; 要过怎样的人生时，就应该知道这是一条回不去得路。

走了，就不要再往回看。

我結婚，就是一輩子的事情

2012-12-12T01:28:00.001+08:00

我結婚，就是一輩子的事情 - that was what I used to say all the time.
Because I believed that marriage is for life; I believed in to have and to hold, for better or for worse; I believed in to love and cherish till death do us part.

Standing opposite the Family Court yesterday, I turned around and told my best friend "I come here for lunch all the time. I used to feel sad for friends who had to come to court to settle their divorce/separation matters. And now I am standing here, ten mins away from turning up for my appointment in court. I have never dreamt of this day."

It still felt like a dream. It still feels very surreal. Sometimes, I wake up from a series of nightmares and ended up asking myself if my marriage is really over.

What most people do not know is - I am not as strong as everyone thinks.
I am just doing what I am doing everyday; forcing myself into doing a whole lot of things; keeping my days as long and as busy as possible; keeping my nights as short as possible - so that I can not think of anything else.
I haven't and refuse to let myself drop a single drop of tear for more than a month now. Not because I have grieved and it's over. But because I know once I allow myself to falter, I will collapse.

It's tough and sometimes, the future looks bleak.

Friends has asked if there is a chance of turning back. Maybe things will be better. But sadly, no.
A marriage needs two people to work it out. Simply said, my husband has been saying he wants a divorce. Except that he refuse to say it to me in my face. And not long into the cooling off period, he had gone ahead and cheated. Despite knowing that cheating is my bottom-line.

比外遇更可惡的，是欺騙.
No matter how I asked, he denied that there is another party. Until my best friend and her husband saw them.
Not only was I cheated on, I was lied to. For an insecure person, the trust is not only shaken. It has completely shattered.

我結婚，就是一輩子的事情 - truth be told, I have very much lost faith in marriage and love.
Like what another good friend has said : Happily ever after only happens in fairy tales. And unfortunately, there is only one Cinderella and one prince.

And sadly, I am not Cinderella.

I am still quite blessed

2012-12-07T01:54:00.000+08:00

Thank God that/ for....

- I have family and friends that stood by me all this time
- Even friends, ex-colleagues whom I haven't contacted in the longest time stood out to offer support
- New friends who spent time with me while offering new insights into life
- A sensitive son who knows when to be good (and naughty)
- Hypocrites that made me realise that well, in your life, that are bound to be hypocrites that claims to be your friends
- Books to accompany me through some quiet nights
- New recipes to perfect my cooking skills - hah, bring on the lobster thermidors
- Philip Morris for bringing in Marlboros
- And most importantly, thank God for wines.

Now, I need to start thinking of my New Year's resolutions. Where's my wine?

努力

2012-12-03T22:45:00.000+08:00

也許我並不是那麼失敗，也許再苦的生活中，還是會有甜美的時刻。
也許甜美的時刻，我不需要等別人給我，我能自己去創造。
也許這世上沒有不可能的事，沒有過不去的關。

Every woman should...

2012-11-28T00:35:00.001+08:00

Few weeks ago, while clearing out the cupboards, I found all my old books and my old diaries.

I realized......I haven't been reading much for the past three years. I forgot....how much I love to read and write. I miss those days when I can sit quietly by the beach for the whole day and finish a book. I miss those days when I can spend the night scribbling away in a fancy diary...

Then I came across this :

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE - something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE - a youth she's content to leave behind.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE - a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE - a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE - one friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE - a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE - eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honoured.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE - a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - how to quit a job, break up with her lover and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - when to try harder and when to walk away.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - that she can't change the length of her calves,the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - that her childhood may not have been perfect but it's over.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - what she would and wouldn't do for love or more.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - how to live alone even if she doesn't like it.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - whom she can trust,whom she can't,and why she shouldn't take it personally.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - where to go: be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW - what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year.”

― Pamela Redmond Satran

Not sure which sentence strikes a chord with you. But for me, well, I am heading out to get a cordless drill tomorrow.