There are many ways to avoid being alone, to avoid fear and discomfort. At the beginning of the week, I gardened late into the night, and then focused on cleaning to distract myself. The next night, I told myself I would be silent, but I called my family for hours and watched a movie. The following night, I removed the TV, but read an old favorite book. Tonight I am writing.

When I was a child, I would sometimes feel the same fear. I would go into the woods, camping alone, a few miles from home. When the fire was out, and I was alone in my tent, under the stars, I could hear the crickets chirping and the wind howling overhead, shaking the tent. At first I would sigh in relief and relax, but before long a creeping fear would overcome me. Some darkness out in the woods was watching me, waiting silently for me to relax so it could make its way toward me. My imagination ran wild – a force of nature was outside my door, silently approaching under the cover of wind and darkness, slithering closer on silent wings, standing over the tent. Inside, I would stare at the ceiling, trying not move, trying not to breathe, waiting with a beating heart to see a handprint appear on the tent, push in gently to notify me of its presence, then disappear again, daring me to act – trapped. I was certain it would happen at any moment. The shuffling of an armadillo was the slow pull of his leg, the howling of the wind his laugh, the chirping of the cricket his soft touch on my tent, the darkness of the night waiting to swallow me whole.

Now I know the fear well. It has been a long time since it has visited me. Perhaps because I have silenced my mind with a plethora of work and distraction. Now that I have awoken somewhat, there is something lurking inside, a truth I know but do not yet see. I fear to see the truth waiting in my heart – but tonight I am sitting by the fire, I will put down my laptop, and I will invite the darkness in for a chat.

Recently, I have been feeling that perhaps there is a reason all my efforts fail to bear fruit – maybe I am just pushing myself down the wrong road. I’ve been meaning to write a post detailing all the methods I have discovered about leading an alternate lifestyle, ones which have worked for others and what I have adopted from each, but that post is for another day.

Instead, I have been thinking that I need to reset. Stop working on my side businesses, stop producing new products, or considering freelancing. I no longer know the answer to the question “If you had a billion dollars, what would you do with life?” The way I once did. The ideal life has changed. I no longer dream of starting and running a company.  In fact, I don’t really dream of anything.

What I really need is a nice long break, a break from the day to day. My job wears me down constantly, and leaves me barely any energy for myself. I keep trying to change, but every other job looks the same to me. Even my vacation is used up. I have 4 weeks now, but all of it will go to visiting family overseas, up north, or family events like weddings I feel obligated to attend. I can’t just quit – I am the only one working now and I barely have enough savings for a month of bill paying. So maybe next year I can take a week off to recharge, but it seems so far away.

Instead, I am setting aside time this weekend to find a new direction. Perhaps after this, I will forego IT or even technical work all together. It was once my passion, but I am no longer sure. Unless I redefine my dream and feel passionate about it, I don’t think I will be able to make any forward motion. At least if I had a long term goal to work for, like becoming a master craftsman, I would know if any given step would bring me closer or not.

Over the following years, I grew in my business and technology skills. I moved several times for the company – away from my friends, away from my family, away from my girlfriend at the time – always away. I was promoted several times, eventually becoming a manager. My salary doubled every few years. I could buy a new Prius in cash. I lived in nice apartments. I ate out a lot. My hours increased accordingly, taking up some evenings and weekends, though in the past year I have eliminated that.

As a result of this lifestyle, I slowly, almost without noticing, became estranged from the people around me and different from the man I once was and the man I had hoped to become. I stopped talking to my friends on a regular basis, and didn’t find time or space for new ones in new locales. My girlfriend moved in, then moved out and we went our separate ways. I entered into a weekly rhythm talking to my parents over video every Sunday. It was clockwork, and destiny. My energy went into the company and my career. For what, I was never certain but it seemed that if I could move up the ladder, I should. I came home tired, and wanted to relax in quiet ways – reading books, reading the news, watching movies, or going out to eat with my new girlfriend and soon to be wife. Those times were the best times, but they were all too rare – an hour a day perhaps. Sometimes less.

I came to realize after my first year of work that work-life was no life at all. Perhaps some people are lucky, and they find work that is part of them, flows with their personality, and improves them. But not so for me, and I could see no evidence of such in my friends, co-workers, or people I met on the street or read about in books or papers. It seemed everyone was the same – we all worked for something, but none of us were quite sure just what it might be. Houses, cars, food, or wealth? I don’t think anyone works for those things. I certainly don’t, though they become a byproduct. Like a drug, once you have them, trying to eliminate them becomes life changingly hard. We become entangled.

I climb the ladder because there is only one path laid out for us by society, a straight and narrow path with cliffs on both sides. One step out of line and you risk losing everything your life has led to – being ostracized and labeled immoral. But when I stop to rest along the way, and gaze up at the mountain top of corporate achievement in front of me, at the people who made the climb to the very end, I don’t see happiness or fulfillment. It seems to me that the people who have gone the farthest – the business leaders, CEO’s, movie stars – look the most unhappy of all. I can see it in their eyes and the way they act. The black hole inside of them has gnawed away the humanity, and all they can do to feel alive anymore is drive a fast car, buy a speedboat, or have sex with a beautiful young person.

Is that what everyone is working towards?

My interests never changed, but my behavior did, so if you asked someone who knew me what I was interested in, they probably couldn’t tell you anything. I take an unusual interest in other people’s interests. My boss likes football, so I browse the game notes and scores so we can talk about it. I find football completely boring and a waste of time, but to him I am a fan of an opposing team. I don’t drink alcohol ever, but at company events the big man up top jests at my iced tea, so I carry around a glass of fine red wine occasionally, sipping it from time to time without joy but a smile upon my face that even my wife can’t always tell is forced.

Over time, the lack of honesty in my exterior has leaked inside of me, polluting once clear waters. I have such a lack of personality now I don’t have anything interesting to say to anyone. My friends have drifted off into their own paths and I have not replaced them. To escape, I have floundered like a drowning man, trying one thing after another. A series of escape attempts each ending with little to show for it but a notch on my belt of failures. I can talk business and startups and technology and marketing and management all day long. I am better at those things than most people, though every company I start turns to dust in my mouth. But they don’t matter to me anymore and they haven’t brought me anything worth having. I thought they mattered once, but they don’t. What matters to me more now than ever is authenticity and freedom, two things I have been lacking for many years. I want my life to align in all its spheres. Today it is a fractured picture made up of many small decisions and life currents I never swam against, or perhaps only swam without direction.

This blog is no different. Until today, it was largely a collection of highly moderated pieces loosely relating to startups, technology, or my life, with the only exception being the Mundane Existence.

I am making a change, and I no longer care if anyone likes it. From now on, I will be honest here if nowhere else. I won’t commit to writing more frequently. I have proved over the past 2 odd years of hosting this that even when I try I have trouble writing regularly, though maybe honesty will alter that. No one really reads this blog – my name is mostly anonymous, and my family only tunes in when I encourage them to. Feedburner shows 133 subscribers, and I get about 1500 visits a month, though 85% go to read about Drupal Performance or startup launches.

I am done self-promoting for awhile.

My assumption has always been: If something like a soul exists, and it affects our consciousness in any manner, then it must be detectable by some scientific device. I find it difficult to imagine that something can interact with my physical body without leaving any physical trace. But though I find it hard to imagine, is it possible for something like a soul to interact with me without leaving any physical trace?

I chose to test this hypothesis using a thought experiment, and ended up formulating a computer model to simulate our souls, the afterlife, and a spiritual model which requires no visible physical component.

Can Souls Exist Without a Physical Component?

I normally hate it when people use Physics principles or Mathematical theorems to justify something unrelated and not intended. That said, my thought process started with the wonders of Gödel’s incompleteness theorem. It says, in a nutshell:

Any sufficiently complex mathematical system will contain truths which cannot be proved using that same system.

It is much more complex than that of course, but it basically means that, at least in Math, some truths will always be out of grasp in the current system. What if the system we live in – Earth – has similar properties? Of course, moving from a Math system to life is a bit of a stretch. Instead, I thought, could I build a real life computer system which has these properties??

Building a Computer Model – Background

I want to give some background for those unfamiliar with systems design and computer science, and to make the concepts accessible to everyone without requiring much technical expertise. Please forgive me for glossing over some of the more technical aspects of these systems, and if you are sufficiently versed in virtualization, it is safe to skip ahead to the next section.

Starting with a basic computer, we have a few key components – Physical hardware, Operating system, and programs running on the operating system. It is possible to abstract out the physical hardware from the operating system by using something called virtualization – essentially you can have one computer which thinks it is a whole computer, but is really just a wholly contained slice of a larger computer, also known as a virtual machine.

It is possible to build a virtual machine which has no way of knowing whether it is, in fact, a virtual machine or not. A user or program running on this virtual machine can run as many tests as they please, but will never find any evidence of whether it is virtual or physical. It may even share the same physical hardware with multiple other virtual machines, but will not be able to find any evidence of those virtual machines existing on the same physical hardware. Granted, in reality most virtual machines do not work this way, but they could.

So far, I have described two distinct systems – The physical hardware and the virtual machine. There must also be a third layer – the Operating system which runs on the physical hardware and controls the virtual machines. This operating system, known as a Hypervisor, has incredible power. Today, we use these systems in IT departments to dynamically allocate system hardware resources to virtual machines. This is the conceptual framework around which we can build our model of God.

Programming Life on Earth

I want to create some computer code in this system which represents life on earth. Forget actual intelligence for a moment – the programs only need to act in some way similar to a life form. For this, I recognize a few properties that represent our existence in this life: we use up resources to survive, and when we die our resources return to the earth for consumption by other natural systems and processes. So far as we know, nothing happens outside of this natural process. Said another way, we allocate resources to live from our environment, and return 100% of them when we die. We have observed nothing that leaves us to live on after death.

So, in the model system described above, where earth is represented by a virtual operating system with no knowledge of any other possible systems, I represent life with a simple process which runs in a loop for some specified time, after which it ceases to function. The programs are allocated a certain set of memory when they are initialized, which will never increase until they stop running. This represents the space we take up physically in the world. The program has internal states, which are never saved to disk, but are stored only in memory, and represent our changing mental states. When a process is killed or dies of its own accord, its memory is returned to the virtual environment for use by other programs, and nothing is ever saved about it’s existence. This process represents death in the real world.

As a result, we now have a simple, layered model of life (processes), the universe (virtual machine), all sitting atop an unknowable God (Hypervisor).

Approximating Life after Death

The Hypervisor I created controls and monitors virtual machines on a server without any knowledge, but I want it to do more than simply allocate resources to the model universe – I want it to manage virtual souls and influence the virtual world without leaving any physical trace as well.

To achieve this, I introduce a new function to the Hypervisor. This new function allows the system to look at any process running in a virtual machine by accessing (reading) a given memory location. In this way, the Hypervisor can view any processes state that it wishes. It may also store a copy of that state to disk without notifying or having the virtual machine environment have any evidence that it is happening. When a process dies, the Hypervisor can save the state of the process to disk, and still 100% of virtual machine resources are given back to the system. No evidence of this saving is left behind for the virtual machine to notice, since all of it happened outside the virtual machines scope and view.

It is now a simple matter for the Hypervisor to do some interesting things with the saved process states. It could, for instance, reincarnate the saved process into a new process in the same virtual machine by copying the saved contents into a new process, or perhaps only certain segments of the saved process state. It could also take the saved process state and insert it into a new process in other virtual machines, which could be completely different operating environments than the one the process originated in. In this way, the Hypervisor could approximate a process flowing through states of reincarnation or travel from Earth to Heaven or Hell, all without leaving a trace in the original environment.

Conclusions

As you can see, this model is flexible enough to account for all major religious beliefs on earth today, and creates a cohesive thought model by which souls could interact with the human world without leaving a trace. Furthermore, it can actually be implemented on earth with some approximation, allowing a program to exist as if it had a permanent soul, even if the environment it was created in was completely destroyed (say, by shutting down a virtual machine). It does not say if any major religion is right or wrong, it simply shows it is possible that observation may miss certain things which are unobservable from where we sit, but does not completely exclude them from the realm of possibility.

I would apply a caution to those who want to use this to explain other religious phenomena, or even when talking of the afterlife. Simply because no physical observation or cause and effect chain have been established for certain phenomena, does not mean that no observable events exist. It would be preferable to search for physical evidence rather than take something on faith alone, keeping in mind that absence of physical evidence may not mean absence of phenomena.

As we grow, we are at first able to spend time on whatever we choose, until slowly the freedom leaches away in society, school, and social obligation. At some point we realize that we have a lot of time, but aren’t very satisfied with the state of having lots of time and nothing to spend it on (or maybe we are, but authority figures tell us we shouldn’t be, and we listen), so we trade away time for money. This is the beginning of the end.

The interesting thing about money is: once you have some, you forget how to live with less. Somehow, over time, additional income begins to feel a lot like the lower income, and nothing has changed. This is why people making $20,000/year struggling to make ends meet can be in the same situation as people making $250,000/year struggling to make ends meet.

How could they possibly end up in the same place?

The answer is not hard for us to comprehend, but it is a simple truth many people don’t ever realize – that the entire modern system is setup such that you will be entangled to the proper degree. Every dollar you earn is another way to become entangled. It doesn’t have to be that way, but that is how most people end up.

Entanglement starts with a need, or a desire. Often, these are valid things that every human desires: love, freedom, security. Fundamental human desires are simple traps to entanglement. If we follow one of the most basic human needs, the need for water, it is easy to see how society has manufactured various levels of entanglement.

I need to drink about 8 glasses of water per day. My only real requirement is that it is fresh and disease free – that meets my needs as a human, so I drink from the tap. My wife’s friend read a book about how tap water contains cancer causing things like fluoride and copper, so she bought a filter for $20 and replaces it every month. Now, when she comes to our house, if I offer her tap water she asks for filtered water, so of course I also need to have a filter for her, of equal quality (or else I’d be cheap?). Thus I, also, pay my dues to the water filter companies. I drink tap water, but I am entangled to filtered water because of social graces, though the entanglement is weak since I have no problem stopping (it is stronger for my wife’s friend, who believes tap water causes cancer. I guess it might, I honestly don’t know).

Another friend of ours decided that filtered water was not quite good enough, so looked around for the proper water to drink and found Evian. He decided that this would be the only water he would drink, and began holding days worth of drinking water at his house, in the form of Evian bottles which he brings everywhere. He probably consumes $20 per day of water now.

To feed habits like this, we must pay one of our two currencies, Time or Money. We could spend time if we wanted to – collecting rain, digging a well – but almost no one does that anymore (why not?) Or we could spend money in various amounts (“market segmentation”) through tap water or bottled or whatever. How has a simple and easily satisfied need, which could be satisfied for free (and was for thousands of years) turned into a $20 a day habit?

Societal Entanglement has brought us to the point where every minute must either be increasing entanglement through desire fulfillment, paid entertainment, or working to pay off our manufactured addiction to it. In the end, eventually, it leaves us only with The Mundane Existence.

Gulliver from Gullivers Travels

I often feel like a slave in the modern world. A machine repeatedly doing slightly different tasks. When visualizing how life makes me feel, I often visualize a large number of soft velvet ties pulling me down with increasing pressure. Each thread is so soft it can barely be discerned, and alone could be removed with little effort. But over many years the number of small threads has built up to be an almost unbreakable series of tangled rope holding me firmly down.

I am, thankfully, not the only one who feels this way, and some people have been able to articulate it better than I. See on elevating humanity and are most americans debt slaves. The term slavery appears repeatedly, and it approximates how I feel, but isn’t quite the right word for it. To find a better way to describe myself, I tested the idea of modern slavery by contrasting traditional slavery and modern ideas of corporate slavery:

I also considered the idea of debt-slavery, which I also think falls a bit short. Although a person can rent themselves for a number of hours (at a given rate of dollars per hour) to make up for a debt, I don’t see it as the default paradigm in the modern world. Instead, I see the rise of salaried company-persons and independent contractors. Both are expected to complete a body of work by a given deadline rather than a rate of work at $x/hour independent of work produced.

With that in mind, I considered how the current system differs from economies of work in the past, such as slavery economies or serfdom economies, with the more modern industrial and information economies.

Some traits of modern work-life:

• Work is governed by government laws, social norms, and company policy
• Work performed is determined externally by the organization (rather than internally by the worker)
• Time is generally used as the primary measurement of value. Payment is given in return for hours or weeks of labor performed.
• As a general rule, finding a method of completing work in half the time results in double work being assigned, not in half as much work for the same reward.
• Time for non-work is strictly allocated (To weekends and holidays). Variances to the schedule must be justified within company policy.
• Appearance and other non-work related factors are dictated by the organization. This includes time spent within the organization working, and outside the organization, though to a lesser extent.

Altogether, this is still not a very satisfying state of affairs, but definitely better than previous economic systems such as slavery or serfdom. Instead of trying to figure out how my life relates to an antiquated system, I decided to take a look at the current system instead and see what a more apt description might be. I started with what we currently call ourselves in the everyday: employees and employers. Employees are everyone who works for an organization, which is the employer.

One key thing I want to point out – generally an employer is not a human. It is almost always an organization – common examples include corporations, government, and non-profits. Every employee, including CEO’s and presidents, can be ejected by the organization and replaced, generally without material harm. The topic of organizations is too large to cover right now, so for today, I want to focus on the humans and the proper way to think of them – the Employees.

Employee, a word which derives from Employ, came about for the first time in the 1850’s, coinciding with the industrial revolution. Employ has been around since the 1500’s and consists of the following definitions: “make use of, apply; increase; entangle; devote”. It also derives from the word imply – indeed employ and imply started as the same word – which has remained largely unchanged as “to involve something unstated as a logical consequence”.

I would take this one step further with the observation that the word employee also has a common synonym  – resource. The company I currently work for often refers to employees as “Resources”. Though not often mentioned consciously, this term is codified in all companies due to organizational departments known as “Human Resources” which manage aspects of adding and reducing human resources (employees).

From these background definitions, a better understanding of our current situation and why we call ourselves, universally, employees, emerges. The synonyms making up the word are good descriptors of the modern workplace and the humans participating in it. One stood out to me however as a superior word to use to describe ourselves, with a larger meaning embedded within it: Entangled.

Entanglement

As our productivity grows, we must increase our work output to compete. As our debt load or lifestyle spending increase, we become further entangled in the industrial complex and less able to extricate ourselves from the system: we must work more to buy more, and work harder to compete. The more we buy into consumerism as a lifestyle, the less we are able to see clearly and become independent, as our social stature begins to depend on our consumerist successes. We are not bound by chains as in slavery, or by law as in serfdom, to a particular master or landowner. Rather, we are bound by the system in an ever increasing complex web of entanglement, from which the further we delve the less likely we are to escape. This explains why even CEO’s and entrepreneurs find themselves devoid of balance in their lives, unable to find satisfaction without the office, striving for ever increasing monetary value and property. They are as deeply entangled as the lower classes, albeit with more ability to escape if they so choose.

Consumer products at all levels are designed to reflect this phenomenon, striving to bring new consumers under their grip in a self sustaining spiral, simultaneously increasing entanglement of workers.

Consider products such as iPhones, which come out with a new model every year, encouraging pricey upgrades. The social pressure to have the latest one, coupled with the high cost of the device, ensures that a person must sustain income levels to match this pattern of behavior, or be threatened with social ostracism. The same product practice can be seen across the spectrum, from car re-models every three years, to fashion seasons or home decoration fads.

The traits I mentioned describing modern work fit nicely into this definition as well. They are either a direct result of entanglement, such as being able to choose a master but not go masterless, or a direct consequence, such as any behavior which benefits an organization and thus reduces the chances for someone to become dis-entangled.

The Rise of Entangled Persons

As laws supporting slavery in all its forms were being abolished worldwide, the industrial revolution was in full swing. The loss of traditional slave labor, coupled with a new way to mass produce consumer items, led to a system of entanglement emerging naturally. Organizations fight for their own survival, and because they are larger than a single person, they generate rules and systems to maximize survivability. By design, those who run the organizations are brought to believe that they are the organization, since the most powerful members have the greatest ability to harm an organization. In reality, they are not anymore able to escape entanglement than the common employee, and perhaps even less so since they must generally be highly entangled to reach such a position of power in the first place. Consider the kinds of perks CEO’s get, in general. Why are these needed in place of increased pay? Simply put: they greatly increase entanglement of someone into a certain lifestyle when increased monetary compensation is no longer enough to fuel increased entanglement at the same rate as other benefits.

Thus we have entered a system where even the perceived most powerful members of society are as deeply entangled as the average worker is, albeit using different mechanisms. Entrepreneurs, CEO’s, politicians. Each are entangled using intricate webs to decrease their likelihood of escape. Law, debt, equity, contracts, and property are the tools which can be used to tie someone to an organization and thus into the system. Only a few people have found ways to check out of the system and dis-entangle themselves.

Which brings us to possibilities of living which decrease entanglement instead of increasing it. I have recently begun to strive to dis-entangle myself as much as possible, and I have seen a number of people who have found ways for themselves to escape the system. The myriad ways to accomplish this, and how they work for individuals, are a post for another day.

Over time, I have become one of those adults. I hardly ever play. I walk around all day with a frown on my face, worrying about one thing or another for no good reason. I do things that don’t make me happy and ensure I won’t get there anytime soon. But even though I am one of those adults, I am still not a whole lot closer to figuring out the why of it, or a different way of living. Although I like to imagine otherwise, my life is not all that different from anyone else’s. I started creating detailed logs of my days, in the hopes it would give me some insight about how to shift my thinking or activities. Each day doesn’t differ substantially from any other. A generalized version of my day:

5:30 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze repeatedly. I had hoped to stretch and meditate for 30 minutes, but I fail to get out of bed.
6:00 AM: Force myself out of bed. I get up only when I know I will need to rush to make it, and have a good shot at being late to work. Even so, I don’t really start moving until 6:15.
6:45 AM: Done with shower, and various things surrounding it. Dress for work. Prepare to take out the dogs.
7:00 AM: Dogs have been out and fed . Make breakfast. Pack lunch. Brew coffee.
7:10 AM: Eat breakfast. Read a book, the paper, or blogs.
7:30 AM: Get in the car. Drive to work. Spend ~30 minutes in traffic.
8:00 AM: Arrive in the office. I might be late, sometimes up to 20 minutes late, sometimes up to 10 minutes early. Walk to my desk, settle in. I usually have 30 minutes to respond to emails and finish work before my first meeting. Plan for meetings at least 3 out of the next 4 hours.
11:45 AM: Meetings coming to a close. Feeling de-motivated. To-do list has doubled. Projects are behind schedule. The list of things to complete is too much to handle. If I can leave for an early lunch, I will. If I can’t, I piss away my time by reading blogs/news/technology articles for 15-30 minutes.
12:00 PM: Go to car. Drive to coffee shop, usually caribou or starbucks depending. Buy a coffee even though it won’t make me feel any better. Sit in the parking lot and eat the lunch I packed. Listen to the radio. Try to relax. The hour goes quickly.
1:00 PM: Back in office just in time for next meeting. Stay on the phone 3-4 of the next 4 hours. When not listening to the meeting, work on to do list. Respond to the 100+ emails that come in during the day. Try to be pro-active instead of reactive. If I can find 20 minutes free on my calendar, sometimes I go for a walk.
5:00 PM: Meetings are done, so I can get real work done. Start running down the to-do list in terms of priority. Sometimes, I can’t motivate myself to work. My job is just not that interesting most of the time, but I can’t imagine a better one without working for myself.
6:30 PM: The cleaning people have arrived at the office. I pack up. Go home. Either I pissed away my time reading interesting articles or accomplished something depending on my mood. I feel burnt out.
7:00 PM: Arrive home assuming no after work errands. Say hello to those living with me. Change out of work clothes.
7:15 PM: I would like to spend some time unwinding, but I have to be social. Spend time with family. Eat dinner.
8:30 PM: Dinner is done. I am the only one who doesn’t enjoy TV, but I feel obligated to watch it to be social. One or Two nights a week I will work instead. Occasionally I will work on my startup for an hour. Chances are I will take flak from my family if I don’t spend enough time with them.
10:00 PM: Everyone else is going to bed. I crack open the laptop to continue work. Either startup or office, depending on the need. Sometimes I write.
11:00 PM: How am I feeling? If I am groggy, I get ready for bed. If I am ok, I work for one more hour.

My weekends don’t differ much. I will spend more time on my startup, and the rest of it trying to catch up with family, doing errands, yard work, house work, paying bills, or whatever else needs to be done. Relaxing almost never occurs on the weekends. Bonus: I sleep until 8 or 9 in the morning Saturday and Sunday.

I want to escape what I see as my life prison. This blog is an effort to document my attempts at dis-entangling. A lifestyle business seems to me the best way at this point, but after more than three years of trying and not being materially closer to my goal, I have some concerns about my approach. Other lifestyle designs don’t appeal to me or seem realistic in my current situation. I consume enormous amounts of content and ideas, and though I see examples of people who live differently, I don’t see how to apply their lessons to my own life and situation without sacrificing the few things that make my life worth living.

I have become incomprehensible to myself. I live the mundane existence from which I can find no escape.

I have met several founders who, for one reason or another, decide they are going to follow the conventional wisdom against their own better judgment. Later they ask: Why did I hit this rough patch? Don’t follow the conventional wisdom! I mean, ok, do it if it makes sense to you, but don’t do it just because you don’t have a better idea.

I read a lot. Every day. Probably too much stuff which fills my brain with interesting facts and figures and ideas and strategies. Some of them I really want to apply to my business. I want to apply them tomorrow. Sometimes I have even done that, but it has never worked out well. What has worked out, is taking some of those inputs, stepping back and saying “How can I transform this into strategic advantage for my business?” and then applying my analytical skills to it, making sure not to compromise with my goals and values. This is authenticity.

Take one example. I don’t like adwords. It’s too expensive. The only time I click on ads is when I am checking out competitors. I tried it. I took a competitors ad, did some research on how to make great adwords (what do I know about making good adwords?) and tried multiple variations. I lost money. Plenty of clicks, not so many conversions. Organic search converts at a much higher rate for me. Maybe I could improve my adwords strategies, but why should I? I don’t really like the model in the first place, at least at this stage in my business.

You know how sometimes, you buy from a business but just don’t feel quite right about it? Chances are, those businesses are very large and hard to replace in your life. Don’t be like them! That’s your competitive advantage. Not being like the companies no one (well, almost no one) likes. As explained in The Russian Fox and the Evolution of Intelligence, humans are really good at detecting cheating, or uneven social contracts. I think it’s similar when it comes to doing business which is inauthentic or in it only for the money. If customers get even a whiff of it, they’ll be out the door. If you compromise in one area, say, marketing strategy, where else have you compromised your core?

Sometimes, this leads to missed opportunities, or lost customers. That’s ok. In the long run, it enables growth.  If you have a good product, or a great service, then the customers you want will be well aligned with your business and will appreciate the authenticity. Those that don’t appreciate it probably aren’t customers worth having, even if they have a fat wallet.

So, where are you compromising?

My Card: Creative XFI ExtremeMusic

Problems: Music not working or working with heavy static. No official drivers corrected the issue, including the latest beta drivers.

Solution: Install this driver set. Since I couldn’t find it after much searching, I hosted it here. Please post in comments if there is a more “official” download location. I’ll continue to host assuming it doesn’t take up too much of my monthly bandwidth.

Download: Daniel K Creative Working Windows 7 driver set