The World According to... Boring John

And finally?

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 21:29:00 +0000

"A blog is a Web site, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video. Entries are commonly displayed in reverse-chronological order."

... blah, blah, blah. Thus speaks Wikipedia. As for me, well all I know is that blogging takes a lot of time and energy. I mean, all that updating on a regular basis, all that keeping up with the Joneses - who's got time for it? Not me, that's for sure.

So if all you're interested in is finding it out first or funniest, then you will not want to explore my lil' blog. You'll see the date - Jan 1st, 2009 - and think to yourself who wants to read yesterday's news.

Who indeed?

And what I say to you in return is a polite "adios amigo" - I hope you get your fill of all that up-to-date whizz-bang BLOG, I really do. See ya!...

And to anyone else still left reading I say take a look around! Read what happened in May 2006. Wonder what I know about wisdom, words or welationships. Or take a peek around the world in 30 days.

As I said, blogs have voracious appetites for new content. Content, content, content! New, new, new! And I just ain't got time for it! And I know dammed well that you ain't read hardly any of the stuff I've written so far.

So, please, get reading. Check out the labels on the left, and dive in. I do not bite. Not unless you ask me, of course.

Cos I'm off, see! Got bigger fish to fry. (I hope.) Go on! Click on those links on the left hand side. It won't hurt. I promise. And leave the actress and the bishop alone, eh!

---

And so, as 2009 begins, I'd like to bow out with a few last sentences. Both have been used many times before, but they've never made an appearance together. So give it up for...

And it's goodbye from me, and it's goodbye from Him!

and
"That's how two characters should dance together in life."

THE END

Day 30: Merry Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 12:01:00 +0000

To everyone that either knows me or Him, Merry Christmas.

And may you get what you want in your Christmas stockingS(!).

If it's a gift from me (or Him) then apologies in advance - we lost your address (or never had it in the first place).

Day 29: Now We're Talking...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 11:29:00 +0000

Boy, I got so much to say and so little time.

Let's kick off with a little bit of night music, shall we. No, there's no Mozart below - it's music by a Brit, no less: Mr Elgar. And there's also one Jaqueline Dupre letting her genius shine on through.

Now I'm more into Beethoven meself, but I'm just doing Him a favour by putting this here! He wants to put a marker down, see, as 2009 approaches. And I'm all for doing it doggie-style - territorially speaking, of course.

Anyway, I'll shut up. Listen. Enjoy. Read on...

Can anything be stranger than fiction?

Well, just ask Harold Crick, I suppose, or read more than 5 posts of this blog.

That Harold Crick's a morbid one, though. I mean what sort of line is this to run by your one and only friend in the world?...

"If you knew you were gonna die, possibly soon, what would you do?"

Still, it's a line that will be making a comeback in a second novel coming soon.

And the name of that novel?

You Only Die Twice

(By the way, not one single word has been written so far. Ah, that's a lie! The first line has been written. Yep, it's one of those books inspired by a single sentence. Again! I just thank the lucky stars I have nothing to do with it. Well at least I hope I don't!)

Even James Bond...

...suffers from the odd bout of angst, it seems. (With a face like that - as if he's got a moutful of wasps in his gob - ol' Daniel C. does well to keep it just the odd bout, if you ask me!) Still, as my lines start to run out, I guess I should take a quantum of solace from that fact. Guess so. Yes, even JB has to think about more than King and Country sometimes.

As for BJ...

Well, it'll soon be Christmas!

Day 28: More Boring John EXTRAS

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 11:00:00 +0000

It seems The World According to Boring John has been 'made smaller'.

Yes, at the final hurdle some 10,000 words were culled, deleted - deemed not to be 'quite right'.

And that means more words for the Boring John Extras ebook. Extras like these gems that had to be removed for reasons of copyright...

1. First line / last lines

The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway

“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.”

and

“The old man was dreaming about the lions.”

(Great book, by the way.)

And Ken Kesey’s novel, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, starts with these lines: “They’re out there. Black boys in white suits up before me to commit sex acts in the hall and get it mopped up before I can catch them.”

and it finishes with this one

“I been away a long time.”

2. More book references...

Now both Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy) and The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera) get a mention

--

More coming soon. Promise.

Day 27: "Itty bitty, but satisfying!" (*)

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 12:35:00 +0000

Dear Ms Itty Bitty,

If you ever get time to finish the whole of that 2-character gig We sent you, then We'd love to hear your one-sentence review, We really would!

We'll even put it on the back cover, when it gets pubished - promise!

And, as we're pretty sure the card is not in the post, We'll wish you a Merry Christmas now:

Wesołych Świąt Bożego Narodzenia!

Wow, what a mouthful! (**)

(*) We are assured that this is not what the actress said to the Bishop!
(**) Neither was that.

Day 26: One Day in the Life of...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 20:06:00 +0000

One day in the life of Boring John...

(Yes, you can see why that Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn went with my mate Ivan Denisovich instead of me, can't you! Sometimes bugger all happens in my day, it really does!)

Day 25: Boring Names...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 12:58:00 +0000

Ian is a bit of a boring name - like John, I agree.

But that doesn't mean that some of us Johns (and Ians) can't get up to stuff, now do it!

Me and Ian Dury don't think so, anyway...

(RIP Ian, mate. Looking good!...)

Day 24: 5 Years...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 11:44:00 +0000

Apparently it's been more or less 5 years since He met She.

Ah, a pair matched in heaven. Or some place beginning with H, anyway.

So, to celebrate this anniversary I thought I'd let David Bowie (and his alter ego Ziggy) do their thing in a little ditty called - surprise, surprise! - 5 Years.

Take it away Mr Stardust...

PS Weren't his teeth so much better back then?

Day 23: Inspirational Quotations

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 09:22:00 +0000

(Practicing my lines)

Some famous geezers said the following, but for the life in me I can't think who. Or maybe I got it wrong again, Dad - maybe!

Quote 1: "Be the anger you see in the world"
Quote 2: "Use what friends you possess: your phone would be very silent if no friends sang there except those that sang best"
Quote 3: "Feel the fear but run away anyway"

Be the anger you see in the world?

You heard it first, here, folks! You heard it first, here!

Day 22: Use it or...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 11:52:00 +0000













lose it!


(9 days left, and counting)


Your comments are always welcome, dear reader.

Day21 : Did I Make You Look?

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:33:00 +0000

You dirty duck!

Day20: Bad Poetry

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:25:00 +0000

An old poem from Him

Bad Poetry

Is it deliberate,
or
can I just not write
good poetry?

Is it deliberate
or
is this the only way
for me to purge
the poison-pink away?

Does it need to rhyme?
(Does she need to harm?)
Is pain, hurt, anger and hate
the only way to create?

No!

I'm smiling, as I write
Pink is not poison,
I know
This is just a lesson
to my ego. Listen!

So thank you,
"you're so vain",
for raising my value
and
for letting me
write
bad poetry

Thank you

--

And a new (rough draft, but I can't be arsed to make it better) poem from me

In The Corner

I was in the corner
of that Bristol hotel
when he first unwrapped you

I was in the corner
as you kissed
(and then hissed!)

I was in the corner

I was in the corner
Oxford's Travelodge too
Twenty-one grams trouble

I was in the corner
for your sweet-
meat revenge

I was in the corner

I was in the corner
that Thursday in Fulham -
reception-desk pink-slip

I was in the corner
you tricked your
April Fool

I was in the corner


I...

 was in...

          the corner

--

I'll leave it up to the viewers to decide which poem be best.

Day 19: Nothing to see here...

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 23:36:00 +0000

Day 18: What Makes You Tick, Boring John?

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 19:11:00 +0000

With apologies to Psychologies magazine for ripping off the format of their internew with Bill Nighy (he could play an older, wiser, version of me for sure) here are some questions and answers bout lil ol' me.

(Hey, it beats having to think for a living!)

Four Words That Describe You?
Sexy, Fun

(There's no need for another two words, is there!)

Is The Glass Half Empty Or Half Full?
Full

If You Wake Up At 4Am, What's On Your Mind?
It's not my mind that I'm thinking about, if you know what I mean!

What Was Your Plan B
Hmm, this is very dangerous territory dear lazy interviewer from Psychologies. Y'see Plan A was to land a James Bond-style gig - action/adventure and then, once I got out of bed, I'd head to the day job!

So Plan B was to 'start slowly' by appearing in what was sold to me as European Art/House (aka The World According to Boring John). But Plan B turned out to be ten times worse than the madhouse that was One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. European Arthouse? More like something Tracey Emin *didn't* include in her latest art 'masterpiece'.

So Plan B has played itself out. Now I'm at the mercies of faceless editors, publishers and agents (not the JB kind, alas). I may well vanish, never to be seen or heard from again...

(And wouldn't that be a pity, eh!)

Do You Ever Spend Longer Than Necessary In Front Of The Mirror?
I'm in complete agreement with Bill here in that I never look in mirrors either. But not because I'm phobic, but because I have that Fonzeralla-esque knowledge that there really is no need!

What Drives You, Fear Or Desire?
Great question. He drives me - both His fear and His desire. Bloody tiring, I can tell you, to be at the beck and call of such ferociously unsated beasts...

What's The Best Advice You've Been Given?
Never take no for an answer! ;-)

Religious, Spiritual, Humanist Or Nove Of The Above?
None. My name is Boring John. I'm an original (and only) member of the BoringJohnologists. I make my own rules, if I can, based on self-interest and pleasure, in the vain hope that I may get to influence Him to do likewise.

When And Where Were You Happiest?
Five minutes before I agreed to do The World According to Boring John gig; five mins. before I signed on the dotted line. If I only had my time again.

--

And if that hasn't completely confused you, Dear Blog Reader (I really don't know where we get these strays and wastrels, I really don't!) then you can learn more about About Me here and more About Him here.

Day 17: My Life as a Blog (Random)

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:44:00 +0000

And, lastly, here are a few interesting posts I came across that may (or may not) amuse:

Other Johns I'm interested in
I've heard of a laughing gnome, but a laughing buddha
Can there be anything casual about sex?
Ooh, this was of His finer moments. Of course I had a heavy influence...

A bit more randomness follows. Soon.

Day 16: My Life as a Blog (2010)

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 22:04:00 +0000

Er, Please see My Life as a Blog (2009)

Day 15: My Life as a Blog (2009)

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 16:22:00 +0000

Ooh, now I'm not a mind reader (as you know) so I'm not too sure what, if anything, my life (as a blog) will be like. I rather hope that I will evolve from the pond-life that is my blog-life to something, er, more fulfilling and interactive. That is, I rather hope I get a girl (or two) in an adventure that doesn't take place out in cyberspace with no one to read me but My-As-Bored-As- Me Writer.

But, as I said, I couldn't really possibly comment as it's 2009 we're talking about here, and that time has yet to come.

Oh, sorry, I'm making all this up. I know the future and, as well as it being orange, it looks like this: My Life as a Blog (2009)

Day 14: My Life as a Blog (2008)

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 16:05:00 +0000

Damn, not much happened in 2008. Seems He was getting high with a latest squeeze. Tch, she'll dump Ya like the rest Home Boy! (I hope so, anyway! Lol)

Still, I got to talk about The Simpsons. (Ah no, those are His words!) Okay, I got to talk about The Book and the The Book Extras. That's pretty much it. Hope 2008 was more stimulating for you, that's all I'll say!

Day 13: My Life as a Blog (2007)

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 13:40:00 +0000

With only 102 posts, the blog took a back seat to The Book. And, as I slowly started to exercise my vocal chords there, so too did I decide that this blog was my blog and not His! (Well, it does say The World According to Boring John. It certainly don't say The World According to Boring Steve. Nope!)

So, 2007 was kinda fun. And We (mostly me) covered topics like these:

# Communication

# Fear
# Internet Dating
# Life

# People
# Problems (Hey, I got 99 of those, but...)

# Relationships
# Sex
# Tosh, and
# Wisdom

Some say 2007 was a vintage year. I say 2009 will be so much better, when I can get up to all kinds of shenanigans outside the not-so-intense gaze of both blogosphere and bookosphere.

And I shall be Prince's inspiration no more!

Day 12: My Life as a Blog (2009)

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 22:44:00 +0000

(Nothing to see here! Move along...)

Day 11: My Life as a Blog (2006)

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 17:31:00 +0000

This was a busy time on the blog! There were 239 posts and clearly that's far too many for me to summarise in a pithy paragaph or three. So let me highlight a few of the better posts for that year, and I'll leave it to you (dear imagined reader) to check out the rest of that fine year.

So that means this post subtitled 'My life as a boy' is really about His life as a boy. Gettit?
Men can be emotionally honest! It's true. Trouble is they need to have just had an orgasm! D'oh!
More angst and that Poem 666 rears its very ugly head again. (Did you know that this poem makes an appearance in a soon-to-be-published book? It does, though when the book is going to get published absolutely no one knows!)
Talking to yourself via a blog is less intelligent than not watching foreign films cos of the subtitles ("It hurts my head to have to read the words!") - it's official! Well it isn't official, but it's a thought for a day
And in 2006 the blog was still unduly being influence by a blonde-eyed blue-haired Monster living South of the Watford Gap river. It's Her fault that this blog exists... probably. As is the millions (hah!) He'll be earning from the book royalties. Anyway, the Sappy Bugger was/is quite into her, so He wrote daft blog pieces like this, titled: Elusive butterflies, windmills and song titles. (Thank heavens, I guess, the name for Boring John had been established back then, else I might have been given the even more ridiculous moniker of Silly Goat!)

Day 10: My Life as a Blog (2005)

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 09:54:00 +0000

In the beginning was the word, and the word was... Well it was two words, actually - it was "Hello World!"

Yep, that's how my life as a blog began back in December 2005. December? Aye, so there can't have been that much to be said in 2005. Well, there was still strong evidence of His angst (cunningly disguised as writing ideas - indeed!) and the odd sprinkling of journalistic piss-take.

Who knew things were going to get so much more interesting in the years to come?

(Who knew indeed! And, believe me, in 2010 this blog will truly rock!)

Day 9: Time Check

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:06:00 +0000

It's Day 9 of Around 'The World' in 30 Days

It's Thursday

It's five to five (well, it was 2 and a bit hours ago)

And it's, well it's not Crackerjack, but it's December 4th which is... close?

...And that's me done for another day.

Lame, I know, but I got a runny nose so what ya gonna do!...

Day 8: The Bubbly Gum Years

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:23:00 +0000

Once upon a time, when The Writer Of This Blog looked a lot like the little boy you see on the left, a brief career in shop-lifting started when a single bubble gum (see below) was not-so-secretly sneaked into a little boy's pocket whilst he was in his local shop.

The eagle-eyed storekeeper of The Little Shop (for that was the shop's name) - an upstanding figure of the community, no doubt, and probably a man called Barry - noticed this misdemeanour, and simpy asked the lad to return the Bubbly and to then go home and tell his Mum just what he'd done.

Thankfully said little boy had not previously listened to Ian Dury's "Razzle in my Pocket" and so he decided that if he couldn't even lift a bloody bubbly gum then he might as well stick to the straight and narrow! So he trundled back home and confessed all...

Note: this is not the same Bubbly - just in case you were thinking!

Day 7: Mythical Creatures

noreply@blogger.com (Me) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 12:03:00 +0000

Which of these mythical creatures do you actually believe in?

Mr P Charming ("Yes, I will still love you in the morning!")
Mr/Ms Right ("Yes, you look great in that dress/suit!")
Mr Goodbar ("Yes, I wanna do that again! And I wanna do it now!")
Mr Bad Boy ("Yeah, I promise lurve not love!... I'll call ya!")
Mr Vanillah ("Yes, I promise to do all of the above! And, yes, you can call me!")

Me?

I believe in none of those buggers, that's for sure!

I believe in a Mr Good Writer - I know he's out there somewhere...