Boston Jew

How I missed my chance to be a pornstar

2012-02-22T09:59:00.000-05:00

Every Jew hits his sexual stride in his mid 20s. Meh, I guess I'm just speaking for myself. My failure to properly seduce a woman for so many years has nothing to do with the women I've dated, or lack thereof, or the game I have, or lack thereof, or the enormous girth of my "ego", or lack thereof. No, my bedroom shortcomings are a result of an unnatural birth and a purposeful mutilation.

By the time I was four months young, my pursuit of worldwide fame was over. As loving as they were, my parents unknowingly destroyed my career as a pornstar.

Before you come to any conclusions, let me be clear that the rabbi didn't miss and my penis has nothing to do with this.

I was born with 11 glorious fingers - just how I planned it. The doctors asked if my parents wanted the second pinky finger removed and ignorantly they said yes. The surgery had to wait for a few months until my weak body recovered from that beautiful, bloody, placenta-breaking birth. Then, in month four: snip-snip, I was down a finger.

Looking at it plainly, you'd think my parents were just doing me a favor. Chopping my 11th finger made me look normal - they didn't want their son to be different from the other kids, which is hilarious to me because I have the oddest mind out of all my friends, so my weirdness would have little to do with my extra finger had I still worn it. However, with my finger count reducing to 10, my parents were being selfish, especially my dad.

If I had eleven fingers, I could literally reinvent the shocker. I had two pinkies, so it would be 33 percent more effective. Only one out of every 500 people are born with a form of this blessed mutation, but none of them think as sickeningly creative as me and many get their extra extremities taken away from them before they have the power to make their own decision.

By stripping me of the holy 11th finger, my dad clearly preferred that I grow into an average sexual beast, rather than a legendary one. Not only that, I could've been a ridiculous piano player, too.

Imagine the scene: candle lights everywhere, six women watching me play piano, their hearts melt at the passion and fury of my twiddling fingers, then I woo them into bed and masterfully please every one of them, the cameras are rolling, the millions of dollars are flying everywhere - all because of the 11th finger.

But no. I'm down to 10 fingers and zero hope. Thanks dad.

Breaking the code: How to respond when she pops the question

2012-02-18T13:21:00.000-05:00

You thought this was about an engagement and marriage? No. Right now, it's all about foreign objects in the bedroom...

There comes a time in a relationship when a woman is just too damn tired of a man's overrated penis, no matter how big, small, average, thick, hairy or square it is - imagine having a square penis? You'd be the king. A woman may pose the following question to her man: "Can we use a vibrator or dildo next time?

Gentlemen, I don't want you to fear this question. Analyze and approach it like I plan to do when my lady asks it in ten years. First, you can be sure of the following things:

She's not bored of you and she's not gonna dump you. She would've had that talk with you much earlier if that were the case. In fact, she's trying to find ways to keep the relationship going. So don't think of this as the beginning of the end.
Your penis is like a used car to your woman. It's just getting her from 'A' to 'B' to 'O'rgasm. It's a natural process during a long-ass relationship. You experience the same things over and over again, it sort of gets boring. But not for me, I can play the same George Michael or Rick Ross song 20 times in a row and still love the shit out of it. Speaking of shit, I really can't communicate with anyone that tells me I should try anal. There's nothing that smells more ungodly nor terrifies me as much as the thought of approaching a woman's ass or vice versa - and yea, some people tell me, "don't knock it until you try it."Well, there's a lot of things I knock without trying, like terrorism. So fuck you. I do what I wanna do, just not the ass.
Conversely to your boring penis, her vagina is the proverbial Cave of Wonders. If you don't act appropriately or satisfy its intelligence, it will shuts its gate and won't swallow you whole. You need to be the Aladdin of cocks. Always seem curious - willing to listen and learn. Approach the vagina every time as if it were the first time. Act like you have no idea what's going on. Explore and try new things. Don't to the same fucking thing every time. Be open minded and remember, even if she hasn't shaved, you can still be a diamond in the rough.

There's no escaping a man's bruised ego after the woman asks to partner sex with a foreign object. He inevitably thinks, am I not good enough? Sex, in his mind, will now forever become about the dildo, and not him. In a way, the dildo is a form of the woman cheating on her man. A man wouldn't mind his woman to use her fingers in bed, but this dildo? She even has a name for it: Pepe. If you're personifying objects, that's where you cross the line between innocent dildo and a threat to the relationship. Do you see guy's naming their left and right hand? I mean, mine are named Sandy and Lubria - sometimes I like it rough, other times smooth - but I'm an anomaly.

My suggestion is that if a woman wants to use a dildo during sex, the man should be able to bring in his own foreign object into the bedroom, such as a Brazilian woman. This balances out the tempered forms of cheating.

Am I a genius? Could this work? Based on those terms, would a women actually agree to a threesome (foursome, if you count the dildo)? I'll let you know in 10 years when my lady pops the question.

Happy Birthday Chris Farley

2012-02-15T20:37:00.002-05:00

The day after Valentine's Day is more important. It's February 15. Happy Birthday Chris Farley.

And why not a Don Rickles rant just for kicks?...

You know it's love when...

2012-02-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to email my groomsmen about bachelor party plans to Vegas. As I'm writing, it turns into a really gay disclosure about my affection for the one I love - formerly my left hand, currently Courtney.

When a man as hairy and barbarically heterosexual as myself starts exuding his feminine side in front of a group of men, you know it's love. My friends know I say what I feel, exactly when I feel it. Why hold back if that energy is going to come out in the end anyway? If I'm watching the Superbowl and there's two minutes left, I don't give a fuck, I'm gonna quote a Sinead O'Connor song if my friend's bald head reminds me of her at that moment.

So for Valentine's Day I wanted to share the bachelor email with the rest of you.

Love is strong. Don't hide it. Let it gay.

Hey Fellas,

I wanted to throw some ideas out for Vegas.

But something just hit me.

Remember in high school when your parents used to worry as you left for the night, knowing you'd be drinking and raging. They'd always ask you not to stay out too late and to call home if you needed a ride, even if it was after midnight. Mom would say, "Have a fun night, but be careful. Will you call me when you arrive at Brenden's house? Don't walk home. Will you call me if you need a ride?"

Maybe we'd answer something along the lines of, "Stop worrying mom, I'm not a child. I'm a grown ass man."

Now, I see where our parents were coming from. The roles are reversed. I have the same feelings for Courtney. Every time she steps out of the house, I get worried - as if every time may be the last time I see her. I cherish every day with her. I know I'm fucking neurotic, so the thought of losing her runs deeper and more vibrant in my mind than most others with found love. To put it in perspective, I can't even take the train without wondering: what if it tips over? Will my Kindle be okay?

Courtney is my kindle, and love is my train. Don't break it, God. Don't you dare.

Here's when you know you've found the one: You know it's love (or paranoia) when your woman leaves for the day and you actually fear for her safety, instead of thanking God you have a few hours away from her so you can play video games. I'm not gonna lie, I play video games when she's away, but it's not as if I'm not worried about that train tipping over as she boards it.

Courtney and I are pretty much as bonded as those autistic couples you see all over the place. We rarely let go of each other's hands in public or while driving. We make weird noises, we stomp in pride in unison for no damn reason. The feeling is so strongly gay and touching that it's beyond flamboyant. You can't be this gayly in love and be ashamed about it. That's why I'm sharing these feelings. Beyond Courtney, if I can't trust my groomsmen, who am I to trust?

I don't want you thinking this is gonna be just another Jewish wedding trying to one-up the Kardashians. Fuck the Kardashians. This wedding is real.

A quick random unrequited love thought: I used to be ashamed of this one asian girl I dated years back, and she always wanted to kiss me in public. I didn't like it one bit. I actually had a Larry David moment. She leaned in to kiss me in front of her friends and I said, "Meh, I don't really do PDA (public displays of affection."

I'm usually not a dick to anyone, but I didn't wanna lead her on, so it was necessary.

Two years later, I was into this girl and leaned in to kiss her in front of her friends and she moved her head out of the way and said, "No thanks."

Call it karma, the balance of life, whatever. My only advice is that if PDA isn't mutual, it ain't happenin'. And if you don't feel it with her early, you won't feel it later.

Back to the issue: With Courtney, I'd literally change her diapers in public if I had to, let alone get in a little smoochy-smoochy. And don't laugh at that diapers comment. What if she's pregnant and too exhausted to go to the bathroom? I'd easily approve of her wearing diapers, rather than just crapping her jeans. I don't wanna have to buy her new jeans. You gotta save those clothing funds for the baby, not your ballooned wife. If you buy her jeans when she's pregnant and fat, what are you gonna do with them when she starts deflating after giving birth? Only buy her cost-efficient, stretchy sweatpants - those will last forever.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a one paragraph email but now it looks like a full disclosure of my current mindset - I'm whipped and loving it.

I'll make sure to actually discuss the bachelor party in my next email. Right now, I gotta wipe my tears from the floor.

Love you guys,

-Ariel

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

The Chinese are learning from the Jews

2012-02-10T22:44:00.001-05:00

I was at the bar of a Chinese restaurant waiting on my to-go food, sipping away at a Jack Daniels. I had a long fucking day and the harsh kick of the whiskey really hit the spot.

I thought back on the past four hours of interviews I just endured. I reveled in my personal quote of the year: The human resources manager at the company asked me to talk about a major mistake I made in the past and what I learned from it - I answered, "Well, I made 12 mistakes before I met my Fiance." Right then and there, I knew I was on fire. Either that or I completely lost any hopes of gaining that job. It takes a lot of guts and/or stupidity to disclose how many women you've slept with in an interview. But I digress.

My food is brought over by the hostess in that legendary Chinese food package - the smiley face plastic bag, the perfectly stapled brown paper wrapping. The smell is just deadly. And not deadly like the farts that are gonna erupt 20 minutes after I devour this golden chicken - I mean deadly as in heavenly.

I ask the bartender to close my tab. She was a cute girl, about a seven in Black man standards, an eight in a Jew's. And during my brief moment at the bar, she definitely gave me a few sexy stares... or maybe she was just looking my way to make sure I wasn't stealing more cherries.

The bartender hands me the bill and I look it over. I only ordered one Jack and everything seemed in place... except for one glaring item.

I was charged 50 cents for ice. Let me repeat that: I was charged 50 cents for ice. One more time....I was charged 50 cents for ice. They called it a "Rocks charge" on the tab. Probably the most amazing thing I've seen in my life. A bar charging for ICE!!! I wasn't even angry because it was so hilarious to look at. $7 for the Jack Daniels and $0.50 for three cubes of ice. As I laughed out loud and said, "You're charging me for ICE?! HAHAHAH!!!," one of the bartenders tried to explain the reasoning behind that charge, but I wasn't paying attention to her - I continued to stare at the bill in astonishment. When that bartender walked away, another one walked up to me and laughed with me before I left.

It's nice to know that, at the very least, my Jewish culture has a significant influence on other races. So, welcome to the scheming club, my fellow Chinese restaurant. I love seeing other businesses nickel and dime customers in unique and hysterical ways - especially when they have the nerve to offer bullshit reasons for those extra fees, even though it's just a front.

It's like those cable bills. There's always 10 fees that nobody knows what they're paying for, and the company will tell you those charges cover "xyz" and if you don't pay for it you'll lose 158 channels. Bullshit - what those hidden extra fees are paying for is the CEO's Pina Colada on the Caribbean.

But whatever, I've learned one valuable lesson: No more ice from here on out.

p.s. if you pay for ice, do you have to tip the water?

Will Ferrell this week...

2012-02-09T11:58:00.001-05:00

Will Ferrell introduces the visiting Chicago Bulls. Can we please have him do this every Friday night?

The Superbowl ad that many Americans couldn't see

And a couple older ones that I've never seen and for some reason WON'T AIR IN THE NORTHEAST. WTF!!!!

No, I will not support your 5k, 10k or any such race you're running

2012-02-06T20:00:00.000-05:00

I keep getting requests from coworkers and friends to support their long distance runs. You really think I'm gonna support that silly shit?

Got an email yesterday with the opening line: Hey all, I'm running the 2012 Boston Marathon and I could really use your support!

That message basically tells me, "Gimme gimme gimme your money!" Fuck you, you fucking arrogant, spoiled Generation-X scumbags. You're running around (no pun) like wanna-be Bernie Maddoffs, thinking someone will be sympathetic or dumb enough to throw their money away. You're not fooling me, though - I'm Jewish and my people invented the ponzi-scheme game.

Why should I pay you to run? Why don't you just run and not steal my money? I swear to God these people are demented. Every time I go out for a two-mile jog or get my P90x workout going, do you see me knocking on your door asking for money? "Hey, I just completed the first month of P90x2, so can you please give me $20? It would show your support for my weight loss." No, fuck that, I'd never say that. You know why? Because the reward for working out is looking in the mirror afterward, and then pumping that body in the club and in the bed. If you want my money, give me a massage in return or something, don't run for me. What's that do for me?

You poor fucking beggars need to get a life and make money the old fashioned way: BY EARNING IT AT YOUR JOB. SUPPORT YOUR OWN GOD DAMN SNEAKER FUND.

I'm not so evil, though. I do know how difficult a marathon can be. Some of my friends were walking like a penguin for a week straight following that idiotic 26.2-mile run. Others have lost toenails. So you know what, if I'm gonna give you anything as your friend, it will be a gift certificate for a pedicure to pamper those absolutely disgusting feet. After all, you're probably gonna come over my house and boast about your amazing, pointless "accomplishment," and I'll fulfill your fantasy by pretending to care. But I don't want you to terrify my fiance, so you'll need to get those toes fixed first.

You know what Vince Vaughn calls a friend in need?: A pest. That's exactly what you are to me if you bother me with donation requests for your stupid fucking jogging journeys. If you wanna impress me, climb a skyscraper without fall equipment - I'll give you a week's salary to watch that.

Dumb fucks. Stop begging. Look at the French Spiderman: All the guts, all the glory, and not once did he ask you for a penny:

Simple solutions to common issues in the office

2012-02-05T11:13:00.001-05:00

We all got problems at work. Sometimes it's the coworkers that get in our way - a nagging boss, a lazy schlub, a loud bitch, that lady who keeps talking about her diet but hasn't lost a pound in months, or that pathetic, shell of a man who brags about apple picking with his wife. Other times, we just can't handle the lack of amenities, such as no toilet paper or a terribly smelling bathroom. The office for some reason can't live without these situations. How do we handle them?...

Loudmouth coworker
Do you have a coworker that doesn't shut up? Yea, you're god damn right you do. And if you're that talkative person reading this right now, fuck you! I swear to god these people weren't loved as children. They need so much attention. They talk so loud and want everyone within an ear's shout to think what they're saying is funny, witty or interesting, but it's just annoying. Even when you didn't ask to talk with them, even if you aren't even talking to them, they're so fucking loud that you have no choice but to hear every detail of their conversation. I feel even worse for the people they're talking to. How do you get out of a situation like that? Sure, if you're friends with this person it's your own fault, but everyone needs a way out. Aside from ear plugs, headphones or a really mean scowl, there isn't really much you can do to avoid that loudmouth. However, these people are usually just looking to make you laugh or interested, so if they're talking to you, pretend that you never get their jokes and never act surprised or engaged in any of their stories. This will crush their yakking confidence and keep the office quiet until they find a new poor soul to latch on to and talk with.

Smelly bathroom
Earlier this year, the men's bathroom at my office was disgusting. Every time I walked in, it smelled like shit. I know that shouldn't come as a surprise because it's a man's bathroom, but I'm working in a high-end building where a major newspaper used to operate, so the bathrooms should be well ventilated. But they weren't, so I complained and told the front desk that we needed air fresheners in the bathrooms. Obviously this was done via email to avoid face-to-face interaction. A Jew is no where near as confident confronting a human in person as he is doing so behind a keyboard. When a Jew sends an email about a work-related issue, it literally sounds like an official complaint by the U.S. Department of Labor. I wrote that administrative assistant as if it were a workplace harassment issue. And in some ways it was; the smell in the bathroom was harassing my nose. I told my coworkers and they laughed at me. But you know what? Those air fresheners showed up in no less than three days and now they're all thanking me. Email with eloquence and you can get some shit done in this office world.

If the boss wants to give you extra work
It's simple: Just like drugs, just say no. Tell your boss you won't be able to finish the current project until the end of the week. Don't ever take on extra work unless you're guaranteed compensation. If they continue to force that work down your throat, complete it in such a poor way that they'll never be tempted to rely on you in the future.

Tired
Coffee is overrated. Just go to sleep. If the boss catches you, tell him you were up all night working on the project. He may be so impressed that you might even get a raise. Imagine that? A bump up in salary for sleeping on the job? Hey, you're barely making enough salary to cover your expenses as it is, you might as well give it a shot even if you aren't tired.

Overweight coworker bragging about her diet
These women are all the same - devouring fat-free and healthy food to no end. They show off their snacks that say 97 percent less fat, but then they finish 39 bags in a week - and that's when you realize the remaining three percent, multiplied by the 39 bags she ate, is clearly negating her dietary ambitions and possibly doing more harm than good. If you're eating that much, you might as well say fuck it and buy a bag of Doritos. I was a fatass for a couple years and what helped me was a reality check. If you understand the health risks involved in eating so damn much and working out so little, you'll be more likely to do something about it. I like to take a different approach: compile a list of food the fat lady eats during the week and then compare it to the amount a food a Somalian eats. You'll probably find what that women eats in a week is equal to what a Somalian boy eats in a year. Anonymously email her a picture with a Somalian boy that says, "The less you eat, the more he eats."

The greatest Jewish joke of all time

2012-02-03T07:56:00.001-05:00

This is the greatest Jewish joke of all time, but still people don't get it.... WHERE'S THE SPOON???!!!! ACCCHAAAAAAAA!!!!!

A beginner's guide to female fellatio: Yoplait

2012-01-31T19:24:00.000-05:00

Before I begin this post, it would help to know that "cunniling" is the verb form of cunnilingus, according to Urban Dictionary.

So I was sitting with the boys in-office and promiscuously licking the inner part of the Yoplait seal when the boss walks in and catches me red handed - or should I say, red lipped... wait, let me first explain why I was sexily licking that foil seal in the company of men before I go on.

Based on my slowly maturing frame of mind, healthy and long-lasting relationships come down to three things: love, tolerance and sex.

Many high school, college and young adult men grow up thinking fellatio is a one-way street. They just don't know how to go down on a girl out or how often. The rule for me is 2.5 to 1. For every two and a half times your woman gives you head, go down on her out once. That's a fair calculation if you consider the amount time of both sexes take to ejaculate from fellatio. For men, it takes anywhere between 3.4 seconds and six minutes. For women, it's probably anywhere between 6 and 20 minutes - I wouldn't know because most girls either fall asleep or tell me to get the fuck off them when I'm cunnilinging.

Part of the reason it takes so long for women to ejaculate is because they suck at cumming fast. But the other reason is that men don't get enough practice growing up.

For women, giving a blowjob is pretty easy because they have numerous objects to practice with - a popsicle, a banana, a ring pop, their fingers and any pointy object that's been sanitized. From birth to death, women are continuously sucking on something throughout the week.

Unfortunately for the sake of balance, men don't have the same slew of objects to practice with (besides women - the best of objects). In addition, men haven't had creative enough minds to find something tasty enough and with the resemblance of the vagina. A bagel or donut is similar to the vagina, but it really just looks like an asshole, and I ain't practicing on no asshole-looking bagel, believe me - especially if it's got poppy-seeds. Yuck, reminds me of dingleberries.

The inside of a Yoplait seal is man's best materialistic option right now.

Think about how men and women lick the inside of that seal: With a gentle, stroke of the tongue and the precision reminiscent of cunnilingus. And for our young, 20-something-year-old men who are clueless in the art, this is a perfect start.

So back to my office.... I was trying to explain all this to my coworkers. So while I was performing the act in jest on the seal, my boss randomly shows up behind me at the most vulnerable and inopportune time possible. My romantic moment with Yoplait quickly turned into a potential sexual harassment lawsuit in which I would be found guilty of raping yogurt.

Thank god my boss is laid back and let it slide. She's probably so relaxed because her husband increased his Yoplait intake.

Note to the curious: For advanced practice, lick/eat the yogurt on the Yoplait seal extremely slowly. This will extend the pleasure you'll have from tasting the yogurt and it signifies the extended pleasure your woman will feel by taking your time when cunnilinging her.

Blake Griffin Dunk on Kendrick Perkins

2012-01-31T01:54:00.000-05:00

A new study finds Blake Griffin's dunks cause post-traumatic stress disorder to opponents. This is quite possibly the scariest moment in Kendrick Perkins' life.

Stop kissing the trophy

2012-01-29T23:21:00.000-05:00

There's this custom athletes have of kissing the trophy after a championship victory. I don't like it and I don't think it's cute. Yea, you won that piece of hardware, but all you're really thinking about is the $1 million that's currently being transferred from the league officials to your Swiss bank account. If these post-championship moments were real, it would show the athlete fondling wads of $100 bills - just like the World Series of Poker. Stop making out with trophies, especially if you have to kiss your wife afterward.

Have you made out with more trophies or women in the past five years?

Did you really just rip off a piece of a diesel pipeline and call it a trophy? I gotta hand it to you, that's awesome.

So you won a golf tournament and you got that huge trophy, but you still wanted to show off the medal around your neck from the 3rd grade science competition?

All that work and they give him an oversized plate? Meh, at least he saved himself a trip to Crate and Barrel.

Who would WANT to win this? Did the commissioner go broke and downgrade to an antique store item?

Yea...... I think I'm officially done with trophy kissing.

Can't say I hate this picture. I guess, exceptions can always be made. I don't know what this lady did to deserve that award, but kudos to the league for thinking ahead and giving her a dildo trophy.

2 on 1?! Maybe we should keep this tradition going....

Does the World Really Need to Know Your Facebook Statuses?

2012-01-28T12:43:00.002-05:00

Does the world really need to know that? That's the phrase I want running through your head before posting ANYTHING on Facebook... Does the world really need to know that?

I'm connected with plenty of good friends, relatives and random acquaintances, and while they may very well be good people, they are stampeding Facebook with nonsense. I can't be the only one that feels people's opinions on Facebook are too personal and pointless today. Their comments and status updates produce no comedy or intuition.

Between 2005 and 2009, Facebook was perfect. You would log in on Monday and Tuesday to view pictures of the weekend's events. One night Rik was triple-fisting, the other night Adam would be getting jiggy to some jam, and maybe I'd be standing in some obscure position with a silly face (no homo).

Those were the days Facebook was pure, without too much thought. But today? It's like a Chris Farley movie with a Charles Dickens' script. Facebook's concept used to be simple and perfect. No one complained about it. No one wanted it to change, but now they've complicated matters - and as I see it, the biggest problem is the overhaul of opinions. Yes, opinions matter, but not so many and not so often.

Here are variations of my Facebook "friends" recent status updates and what I thought of them:

PATS BABY!!! 7-0!!!! KEEP IT UP!!!! (The mid-game sports post)
Yes, the Patriots just scored a touchdown, but I don't need a reminder because I'm watching the game. Had I been away from the TV and unable to watch, I would have turned on the radio or checked ESPN.com - I would never rely on your Facebook statuses. Furthermore, anyone who's checking your status right now probably isn't a Pats fan and doesn't care about football, so basically you're talking to yourself. Please delete this comment, as well as the following 57 updates you're going to post throughout the game.
What's the difference between the papacy and NCAA coaches?... They both touch little boys. (The offensive, in-vogue news post)
Okay. First of all, that's not a difference, that's a similarity. And even though I think that's hilarious.... actually, check that, I like this post. Well done.
LMFOA @ MITT ROMNEY and NEWT GINGRICH!!! GET BENT!!!! (The politically driven post from an idiot)
I understand you are a die hard Obama supporter and you probably think all Republicans are pitiful and selfish, but what did mother say about bringing politics to the dinner table? Secondly, I'm tired of people player-hating politicians. It doesn't matter if they're Republican or Democrat, they're all Americans trying to make life better and/or worse for everyone. People in blue states have this dumb notion that Republicans are out to screw the middle and lower class. And red-staters think liberals are gonna turn this country into a socialistic, foreign speaking, immigrant haven... Well guess what, it already is, so deal with it. I loved George Bush for his humorous press conferences and media moments, and I love Obama for his confidence and charisma. Whoever is president, it doesn't fucking matter because nothing ever changes in Washington other than the fart-snot that gets subbed from the oval office every four to eight years.
Don't wait until tomorrow, live it up today (The good vibe, life tip post)
Does the world really need to know that? When did you become Buddha and I your apprentice? Maybe you should take your own advice, spend less time on Facebook and actually LIVE IT UP. Nobody my age can tell me how to live, nor has a better handling of their life than I do. I may wear things on my sleeve more than most, but there's no way I need life lessons from some 20-something-year-old who's still working a part-time internship. Yea, buddy, YOU LIVE IT UP with your zero-to-minimum wage and let me figure out my own life. Asshole.

Now let's all take a deep breath and not post a Facebook status for the rest of the day. If there's breaking news, let the news stations handle it. I don't need fucking news reports on Facebook. The site is there to share pictures, funny videos and links to things that have purpose. If I were emperor of Facebook, I would limit everyone's posts to three per day.

Free your mind, let go of your computer and withhold your fingers from interpreting thoughts onto Facebook. Relax and trust me, the world doesn't need to know what you're about to say.

The Office Wife or Husband

2012-01-23T23:23:00.001-05:00

There's always that one confidant at work you can trust. For many, that person is the opposite sex. In our society, we call that an office wife or husband - a plutonic (hopefully) better half at the office. However, there's a lot of things a man can't tell a woman. I'm not ashamed that my office wife is a man, but I wonder how common it actually is.

Technically, I guess he isn't my office wife or husband since I'm not married yet, so this man is actually my office fiance or office mistress - I could take this even further and mention that him having a penis and balls really means he's my office mister. And I know what you're thinking, why is my office wife a man?

First of all, yes, it's because I have no game with women anymore. I'd like to think I had skills before getting engaged, but even if you can't convince a female coworker to be yours truly, there are still advantages to having a man as your office wife:

No sexual tension and no risk of cheating. I have no intentions of sleeping with my office mister because I'm not gay, and he wouldn't go for me if I were because he's way out of my league.

You can go to the bathroom together. You can sit stall-to-stall and feel comfortable. There's no need to hold that embarrassing fart back because your office husband is right there to laugh with you and encourage more smelly nonsense.

You don't have to deal with PMS. Let's face it, PMS makes any heterosexual relationship pure hell for two days out of every month. With an office wife, you not only have to deal with a PMS'd woman at home, but at work, too. With an office husband, You'll never have to hear the words, "I can't believe I forgot a fucking tampon. Do you have a cork and tissue I could borrow?," or "You know I don't like dark chocolate, I LIKE MILK CHOCOLATE!!!"

You can actually engage in a conversation. Maybe this is just a consequence of my upbringing with Jewish women, but as far as I know, women dominate the conversation. They love talking about themselves, about other women, about gossip and things that don't interest men, such as their opinions.

In order for a man to remember what a woman says, he needs to have some sort of participation in the discussion. Women need to speak less and get to the point more. As soon as the woman speaks ten seconds too long, a man has already lost interest and doesn't know what's going on. Then he contemplates asking, "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?," but with that question the man runs the risk of offending the woman, or worse, having her repeat herself and forcing the man to listen again.

Your actual significant other won't get jealous. Make love, not war. Don't let your girl worry all day about you cheating on her. If you engage in deep conversation with another woman, it's considered adultery in today's standards. 'Deep conversation' is a relative term. Any conversation that lasts more than five minutes in which the man provides at least one answer of more than one word is considered an admirable display of dialogue. Conversely, any conversation in which the woman dominates less than 80 percent of the conversation is a miracle.

Your morning maker: Alternatives to coffee

2012-01-22T21:34:00.002-05:00

As a Jew, I always dwell on the negatives and risks of things. So while it may very well be that coffee is a great waker-upper and shitter-starter, it's bad for the heart, blood and blackens your teeth over time. Naturally, I've found alternatives to coffee that are healthier and more fun.

Morning sex. Obviously. It's a great workout. You increase your heart rate and even if you give a bad performance, it's so much better than having a bad coffee. Now if only they made coffee-flavored lube... Dunkin' Donuts - get on that. But please, if you choose this option, have some mouthwash within reach.

Yoga for ten minutes. Underrated and definitely gay, but with natural blood flow to your muscles, back and brain, it's the closest thing to morning sex without the orgasm - and if you're a woman, you probably won't orgasm from morning sex anyway, so you might as well save yourself the tease and just do some yoga instead. Hey, if you're a lady, you can kill two birds with one stone: Get in the downward dog position and have your man downward-doggy style you.

Jog. But you're too lazy anyway, so why would you ever take 7 minutes out of your morning to lose weight and gain a mental boost. Only regular joggers do this, so I don't expect you to, but if you don't have a significant other to fondle or solid vinyasa techniques, then get those kicks on and move your fat ass.

Smoothie. (Also known in my house as a 'smooty' by my mother). Don't have time to chop the fruits in the morning and blend them, you say? Well do it the night before and put it in the fridge, you moron. If you had to choose between the natural sugars of pears, apples, mangos and oranges versus the foul, necrophilic stench of your significant other's mouth in the morning, I'm assuming you'd choose the prior. Let's face it, morning sex can go from great to gross when they try to kiss you.

Ice cold shower. Don't be a sissy. There's nothing like frozen balls to wake you up.

Slap your face silly... or viciously.

Yell at the top of your lungs, preferably something obscene. You'll not only wake yourself up, but all the neighbors, too. When they come outside and give you the mean, ooshka-ooshka look, don't worry, that's just a proverbial, angry thank you.

Hire a Jewish mother to bark chores at you. Pros of this: you'll naturally wake up as blood will soar to your veins and brain in frustration. Cons: You may actually have to do the chores as ignoring them can result in having to deal with guilt the entire day.

Read BostonJew.com. Can I promote myself on my own website? Whether you're laughing or frustrated at the lack of humor, both induce natural blood flow to your infantile, BostonJew-hating brain. Top of the morning to you, unappreciative asshole. I don't get paid for this shit and you get it for free, and you're gonna tell me I'm not a good enough alternative for coffee? Fuck you. Wake the fuck up, you lazy shit.

Illegal Immigration solvents

2012-01-19T20:20:00.000-05:00

The security of our borders has been a hot topic since the French infested Louisiana, and whether or not you agree with a politician's stance on illegal immigration, nothing will ultimately be resolved. Politics is basically an endless cycle of debates on serious issues that no one wants to actually confront or solve. From the potential threats of terrorism, to the ongoing onslaught of drugs and illegal immigrants from Mexico, to the vicious Canadian moose constantly knocking on our door up north, we are being squeezed from every direction. Here's some real solutions to bolster our border control:

Hire beavers to build and secure the border. If there's one species that works harder than Mexicans, it's the beavers. With those 60-pound frames, a beaver can chomp through trees and haul branches, while never asking for a raise, just like a Mexican. If beavers can dam a river in a week while providing for their family, they can definitely secure our borders more efficiently. Also, these guys can stay under water for 15 minutes straight! Imagine all the sneaking around they could do in rival countries. So you wanna know what Ahmadinejad and President Chavez are discussing in that secret meeting? Send the beavers! Forget dogs, the Army needs to start training beavers!

Stop being so awesome of a country
People immigrate to the United States because of all the opportunities. Fuck the phrase, "The land of opportunity." That's exactly what's getting us into trouble. There are so many jobs in this country that a company was dumb enough to hire me. And if you think an 8.5-percent unemployment rate is bad, just look at some of our European friends, such as Spain. Spaniards probably consider our situation heavenly - they're unemployment rate currently stands at 22.9 percent.

We need to have fewer jobs in this country so immigrants stop taking advantage of them. Or at the very least, advertise that there's a 40-percent unemployment rate and maybe that will scare them away.

Legalize every illegal drug temporarily
Once we legalize drugs in America and Mexico, drug cartels will emerge from their hidden cells of operation. Because making and distributing drugs will be legal, dealers won't have to live an inconspicuous life and they will trade openly. They might even create mobile-ready websites to distribute more efficiently. Once we find the locations of all the scumbags and cartels in the United States and Mexico, we reverse the law back to its illegal state and pick out every one of those worthless powder hoarders.

"There's the answer to our problem."

Thoughts: Antique stores and chicken

2012-01-18T20:47:00.000-05:00

How do they make profit on antique stores?
Grandmas who own antique stores... I understand the premise: You got a bunch of old shit that you should probably throw away, but there's a one in a million chance that a hippie, fellow grandma or Martha Stewart fan will buy your dated, worthless trash.

There's no maintenance involved in antique stores. Even if a store owner did furnish or repair their products, no one would notice - but somehow, SOMEHOW, they manage to stay in business for decades.

I don't get how it works. Of all the tourist traps out there, when is the last time someone felt trapped into buying something? These grandmas just sit there all day and night, reading and knitting, and no one buys anything. But they make profit? C'mon now, what the fuck is going on here?

If somebody buys an antique and it breaks, that's expected. There is no 30-day warranty or credit toward another item. These grandmas have been waiting years to sell that 1947 Mickey Mouse lamp, and when someone's dumb enough to buy it and it doesn't work, they act surprised.

I tried to sell my 1984 Macintosh HD and no one took a stab at it - I even offered California Raisin action figures at no extra cost. What gives? Apparently, there's a fine line between vintage, antique and old shit that I clearly don't have an understanding of.

Why don't Jews get proper representation for liking chicken, too?

Black people LOVE chicken. Blah, blah, blah. Jews probably love chicken even more. Well, it's not that we LOVE it, but our mothers cook up a new chicken every three days. Legend has it, the ancient Jewish mothers fed their children breast-chicken, not breast-milk....... OY VEY, that was a terrible joke.

Here's the deal, if you put a starving Black man and a starving Jew in a cage with fried chicken in the middle, obviously the Black guy would win a fight for it, but if it were a bidding war, the Jew would win - that counts for something.

Do you really think a Jew would pass up a chance to feast at KFC or order 20 chicken McNuggets? We would eat that bullshit every day if we could, but we never get the credit Black people do for loving it so much.

Jews were raised on chicken. Don't forget it.

Now if you'll excuse me, my Mickey Mouse lamp is flickering and I need to change the bulb.

Black Moses: Martin Luther King, Jr.

2012-01-16T09:27:00.002-05:00

On this day, every Jew respects the Black Moses: Martin Luther King, Jr.

Unfortunately, I work for an English company and I don't get this day off. However, I doubt MLK would take a day off work, even if given the opportunity.

Spread the seas of racism...

What's worse than Rebecca Black?... Courtney Stodden

2012-01-15T22:20:00.001-05:00

Courtney Stodden: I don't know if I love her or if I ABSOLUTELY HATE HER.

mini-dancing Rabbi Gefiltashtein now available!

2012-01-15T09:50:00.002-05:00

mini-dancing Rabbi Gefiltashtein now available!

Sympathy for the Devil: honoring a terrorist's dead body

2012-01-14T09:49:00.000-05:00

The desecration and abuse of dead soldiers is nothing new to war, and the most recent video of four U.S. Marines pissing on three dead terrorist bodies is just a tempered example of the horrors of the inevitable consequences of chaotic battle. Let's remember throughout this blog that these men who deserve to be pissed on alive, asleep or dead are terrorists, not honorable soldiers.

I'm not sure if we civilians can understand the mental and physical strain a soldier goes through on a daily basis, and I doubt anyone would deny they'd find pleasure in pissing on Osama Bin Laden's or any other terrorist's body. Many claim the acts by the Marines was inappropriate, but that's because they're not tasked with the stress of war every day. These critics don't witness first-hand the despicable terrorists who target to kill mothers, young adults and 10-year-old kids on their way to peacefully pray in a mosque. I'd just as easily piss on a wall in an alley on a drunk night as I would a terrorist in his mouth - and I wouldn't need a fifth of vodka to do it.

During WWII, the Japanese and Americans did MUCH MUCH worse to each other's fallen soldiers. There were times the Japanese, for example, would cut off a dead American Soldier's penis and stuff it in their own mouths. Incoming Marines would later walk by their fellow fallen and witness this display and become angered by it - but that's war. Read this book to get a better account of the actual horrors of war before you judge a soldier's actions following a confirmed kill. Men at war aren't robots who can follow the standards of etiquette after being shot at and shelled for weeks at a time - they become beasts.

The actions of the Marines are not deplorable. The ones to blame are the idiots who decided to film it and the government or media which failed to immediately ban this video from streaming through every television network in the United States. Some news stations explain how this video will anger our opponents even more... well, if you didn't keep playing it nonstop, or if you didn't even play it in the first place, we wouldn't be in that predicament. This plainly shows you that the media really doesn't give a shit about the war, or if we succeed, because they're purposefully sparking a rise in both the American and Terrorist populations.

If you think we should honor these dead terrorists with proper burials, you're twisted. These bodies should be burned, left to rot, pissed on, laughed at and then some - just don't record it. If you try to kill my 10-year old children, a golden shower is probably the nicest thing you're gonna get from me.

Hypocrisy: A Muslim Tim Tebow

2012-01-11T23:14:00.000-05:00

The next Tim Tebow?

Depending on your religion, you either have the right to express it or the nuisance of people begging you to keep it in the closet. Sadly, Muslims in the United States live in a world of haters, and while we tolerate Tim Tebow's televised love of Christianity, we continue our hypocritical religious approach.

All Americans love him, hate him or don't even know who Tim Tebow is (My fiance is in the latter category). His positive attitude might be his best trait, but his questionable football skills and publicized, proverbial, ass-kissing devotion to God have many up in arms, both positively and negatively.

The obvious perception is that he has every right to express his beliefs in any fashion he so chooses. Even if he weren't on T.V. every Sunday, he'd probably continue to pray his way through life. That's fine. Consistency and honesty are laudable characteristics and I don't think anyone doubts Tebow's loyalty and respect for God, regardless of his privileged position in life.

Even as a believer in God and disbeliever in religion, I'm not offended when I see Tebow praying before or during a game. If everyone were like Tebow, life would still suck, but at least we'd have an honorable and productive human race. If you think kneeling down on one knee and silently talking to thin air for two minutes a day will help you accomplish your goals, keep it up - except if you're Muslim, according to the American media. So just imagine if Tim Tebow were Muslim. Do you think they'd let this fly? Would Tim Tebow, the Muslim, be the most popular, in-vogue athlete that he is today, or would he be the source of an underlying issue that would eventually need to be addressed by the National Football League. I can assure you the latter would amount. Not only would the media question, rather than tolerate, the appropriateness of a Muslim Tebow advertising his religion, the National Football League would likely put a ban on outward displays of religion on camera - or, at the very least, the cameramen would be informed not to record those praying on the field.

I urge someone in the NFL to show up to a game with an Islamic prayer mat, face east, kneel down and pray five times in one game. I also would like three Buddhists, a Jew, seven Mormon wives and a Taoist to join hands and bow down together in front of the goal posts following a field goal.

I never partake in overly religious customs, but I do respect them. However, I don't respect the hypocrisy of Americans, and I'm in support of anyone who believes that Tim Tebow's religious rants are offensive to believers of reality, science, atheism and anything other than Christianity. If I can't boast anything except Christianity in this country, then America is the terrorist.

Every week we are blessed or cursed - depending on your perspective - with Tim Tebow's religious display, and I'm reminded of an unfortunate truth: that our country is racist, anti-Islamic and hypocritical.

A drunk moment with a homeless man

2012-01-11T01:45:00.001-05:00

Just another drunk night with my favorite homeless man in Boston. I randomly ran into him on New Year's Eve while taking a break outside from the hectic bar scene. He can sing the classic blues and jazz with the best of 'em ('em' being the inebriated homeless).

Answering Neurotic Jewish Questions

2012-01-03T17:59:00.000-05:00

Oyyyyyyyyy veyyyyyy... and I say that in the best of ways! What an amazing weekend for my temple. All the fake Jews were out celebrating the Christian New Year and no one showed up for services, so I didn't even have go to work and spit my religious rhymes on the podium. Baruch atah adonei, Christian New Year, for giving my Jews something to do other than pretend to enjoy early morning Shabbat services.

Dear Rabbi,
They went from regular shaving cream to this gel stuff. Why the change? (Curious wife of Jon - Cleveland, Ohio)

It's true, the change was sudden and unnecessary, and I can sense you're more skeptical than you are curious, although the name you provided suggests otherwise. "They" are making you work harder to get your foam out of the bottle these days. It used to be simple: you press the button and the shaving cream came out in foam form. Now, when the stuff comes out it's gel and you have to rub it around your face until it becomes foam. Why do I have to do the extra work? Are these manufacturers saving pennies on the dollar by producing this substance as gel instead of foam? If so, why are they charging a dollar more for gel cans?

Personally, I don't trust change, unless it's a quarter on the street. Tell your husband to start using the old and reliable Barbasol.

Dear Rabbi,
My bag was randomly checked by an officer as I entered the subway. Next to me, was a Black man who the cop chose not to inspect. I find this a step in the right direction. I'm not a fan of profiling in this country. But, I'm a Jew - what did the cop hope to find on me? A blueprint of a ponzi scheme? (Martin - Seattle, Washington)

Yes.

Dear Rabbi,
This issue never ceases to baffle me, and some Christians believe it so passionately that some days I actually think it happened. Can you reveal to me your thoughts on the immaculate conception? (Jack - Manhattan, New York)

I believe that it wasn't as immaculate as the Christians proclaim. In fact, once you hear the answer, you'll undoubtedly understand why the cause of the immaculate conception was kept out of the Bible. One of the theories was that the virgin Mother Mary was raped by a Roman soldier, but rape is sex and that wouldn't make her a virgin.

Mother Mary was a virgin and too shy to spread her legs, so instead she offered the Roman soldier a hand job. Mother Mary then wanted to satisfy herself. With the same hand she used on the Roman soldier, she fingered herself, giving way to the "immaculate" conception.

Would you want your Children reading about that in the Bible? Exactly. No wonder this is kept under wraps.

Dear Rabbi,
My mother and wife have been overbearing over the past few years and I cannot take it anymore. One day they want me to paint a room - the next day I have to go to the end of town to buy a curtain - then they complain how I don't do enough for the house. It seems there's nothing I can do to impress or at least shut them up - how am I supposed to handle this for the rest of my life? (Jim - Brooklyn, New York)

Every Jewish man has your problem. If you're unable to tolerate the avalanche of requests and critique coming from your mother and wife, just go to a monastery, become a monk and take a vow of silence.

Short of becoming a monk, there's nothing else you can do. You could try taking a vow of silence in your own home, but your wife and mother would slap you simultaneously to snap you out of it and bark at you to, "SHUT UP AND DO THE DISHES ALREADY."

You tell her, "But honey, I am shutting up, I'm taking a vow of silence."
SLAP again.

Just do your job as a slave of the Jewish woman or pack your bags and find the nearest monastery.

The Greatest Fantasy Football Finish of All Time

2012-01-02T09:33:00.000-05:00

This was by far the most nerve-racking and satisfying fantasy moment of my life, and I'm not even ashamed to admit to my fiance that I was checking the score 80 percent of the time while we were watching Cowboys and Aliens. This won me $350 after all. So here's how it went down.

With around two minutes left in the Giants and Cowboys game (the last game on the NFL's regular season schedule), my opponent had 326 points to my 325.5 points. My opponent has Romo, as you can see above. Romo dropped back to pass, got hit from behind, fumbled the ball and the Giants recovered. This made Romo lose a point. That point dropped my opponent's score from 326 to 325, and I held a half-point lead with Eli Manning just having to kneel the ball. When the clock hit zero, I began the ol' jimmy-two-step-pan-dance (video evidence at a later date).

Final Score: Boston Jew 325.5 - Drogo's Stallions 325

I watched the last ten minutes of Cowboys and Aliens and thank god it finally ended. I started jumping and screaming in the house, and it wasn't because Daniel Craig just shot that idiotic wrist-band to save the world. What a dumb fucking movie, but it was so worth it because somehow, intergalactically , that movie connected me to the greatest fantasy football win of all time.