the bottle opener review

Cider & Steel

2013-10-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that we are the Bottle Opener Review look forward to each Fall it is the scent of freshly chopped apples on a crisp breeze, while enjoying our perennial favorite beverage. We all know that there are innumerable ways to access that golden nectar, but sometimes it's the old-fashioned methods that work best. Our chosen opener for this autumn afternoon will be referred to as the "Keglined" opener, since that is its stated target. As we were to discover, though, it works just as well for beverages in other varieties of container.

Our particular Keglined opener claimed to be intended for opening Pabst Tapa (1) Cans. Since we've never been very good rule followers, we decided to instead test it out on some Wisconsin favorites; New Glarus Brewing's
Staghorn Octoberfest beer and Moon Man pale ale.

(1) We are unsure of the provenance of these cans, but it did make us hungry for Spanish food.

New Glarus beer, being only available in Wisconsin, seemed an appropriate choice for a day of apple picking, chopping, and cidering; which is what we had in store for us on a sunny October morning. Staghorn and Moon Man are two of the best selections from their line-up, if you ask these two midwestern boys, and they did not disappoint.

Moon Man, a hoppy vestige from a season ago, served us well in the sun. A warm reminder befit for an Indian summer. Yet, when the north wind blew and the sun slipped behind a cloud, your reviewers would turn up their collars and turn to the Staghorn, an Octoberfest beer meant to be sipped during these transitory times.

The Keglined opener proved to be as reliable as your grandpa's rocking chair, and probably as weathered, too. We're not sure the last time beer came in cans that required a dedicated tool, but this opener has been performing its job at least that long, and doesn't look to quit any time soon.

We didn't have the opportunity to thoroughly test the Keglined, due to a lack of canned Pabst, but it worked exactly as well as you would expect when opening bottles, for a venerable classic such as this.

The Keglined's design allowed us to open our beverages with thrift, threshing cap from bottle in a swift, economic movement befitting a day of cider production. Who has time to fiddle with their bottle caps when there are so many apples to process?

The Keglined liberated the beer from bottle the first time. Every time. This bottle opener was as old as Moses and twice as good at delivering its people to the promised land.

Worth its steel, the Keglined uncapped dozens of beers during Apple Cider Sunday, serving these seasonal workers through every stage of apple paring, chipping, pressing, and bottling. Tasks always made easier with a beer at hand.

As the day pressed on, friends arrived bearing apples from across two counties. Each apple variety contributed to the complex taste of the cider. Each newcomer contributed to the task at hand, relieving one from their post. Perhaps to open a new brew or check the score of the Green Bay Packer game.

Throughout a long day of work, the Keglined opener never let us down once. There's not much that can go wrong with a solid piece of stamped steel, and even the encroaching rust could not impede our bottle opening frenzy. This opener probably existed before we did, and will be passed on to further generations. The only flaw with it is that, unless cans that need openers come back into production, only half of the Keglined's purpose can be fulfilled. With that in mind, we feel that it has earned a decent 4 out of 6 bottle score.

House Sitting

2013-04-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

While on your next holiday away from home, won't you consider inviting the Bottle Opener Review to look after your place? We're good, clean boys with a penchant for filling your kitchen with delicious smells and recycling bins with empty glass bottles. While other, less honest, house-sitters might raid your pantry or liquor cabinet; we are after nothing of the sort. It's the contents of your kitchen drawers with which we are concerned. It's your churchkeys we're after.

So, may we advise that you prominently place your prized opener in plain sight? Even if you don't, we're enterprising lads and can usually ferret out the odd corkscrew, keychain, or otherwise make do. Such was the case on this excursion. We delved hands-first into the depths of kitchen drawers, tossing serving instruments and cutlery to the wind, seeking out the key to our libation salvation.

As fate would have it, we were in luck - with a bit of elbow grease we were able to unearth a true classic; a vintage can opener, with bottle opener prong as a designers afterthought. Swing-A-Way by name, and cherry red handled, our companion for the evening seemed like it would fit the bill.

Our communion began with that rich, majestic brew they call Rush River Nevermore Chocolate Oatmeal Stout. Nevermore is the perfect compliment to a snowy Wisconsin evening spent at a friend's residence, and our opener provided us with it in a speedy fashion.

When you can open your beer this easily, why not have another?

Considering the difficulties we've faced with previous openers, the Swing-A-Way uncapped our libations expediently in two different maneuvers. The traditional forehand method is a graceful way to open your bottle, while the radical backhand approach adds a little more excitement to cocktail hour.

Using this opener was like reciting a well-known hymn - after all, who among us hasn't used one at some point in their life? For a little slice of Americana like the Swing-A-Way, we'd have to give it the average American household score of 2.55.

But the question still remained - what might we buffer these beverages with? Well, we eat food besides pizza, right? Checking... wait, we might only eat pizza. However, please credit us for experimenting with different kinds of pizza. Before, we've shared our When the Cubs Win the Pennant pizza, topped with sauerkraut, pineapple, pepper, and barbeque sauce. Craziness.

Now, we are unveiling a saner pizza with less energy devoted to the toppings and more devoted to the crust. Tonight, we dabbled with the Chicago-style pizza - with flaky, buttery crust made hours earlier. (1)

If you want Chicago-style pizza, then you go to Chicago. But, we implore you to cut down on your travel time and try making this pizza at home instead. Heck, you can spend the extra time sampling bottle openers.

(1) You can find the recipe here.

Our Chicago-style pizza is both decadent and filling. A few pieces combined with the Nevermore Oatmeal Stout and a rolling fireplace had our reflexes slowed and our wits addled. Thankfully, the Swing-A-Way opener is easy to yield. It forgave our cabin-cozy, slothful selves and dispatched the top of our Green Flash Brewing Co. West Coast IPA with ease.

The zesty brew ignited our spirits, sending us out into the frigid night to gaze at all the stars of Downsville. And, like good house sitters, we walked the property line to ensure no riff-raff we stealing into the outbuildings. We doubly inspected the greenhouse.

So, let us look after your house, will ya? Your Reviewers will take good care of your kitchen, your recycling, and of course, whichever churchkey we find first.

Cast Iron

2013-01-06T10:15:00.000-08:00

After the extended holiday season, we are are left to pick up the scraps of wrapping paper and cookie crumbs, take down festive decorations, and settle in to the new year with the help of gifts we received from friends and family. Today we would like to share with you our thoughts on a few of those gifts.

Appropriately enough, three of them happen to be a perfect match for your faithful authors, and this blog. First up is a bottle opener that we will refer to simply as "the pliers bottle opener." Cast from iron in a facsimile of a pair of pliers, it is neither pliers, nor bottle opener, as we quickly discovered. Our initial attempts were to try to open another gift from the season, a bottle of home-brew from a friend named Jeremy (who runs St. Paul Pet Supply), and were swiftly thwarted by the pliers. While it has the trappings of a serious beer tool, it seems to have been crafted by a group of teetotaling blacksmiths, or perhaps an industrious chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Try as we might to remove the completely ordinary, standard-sized bottle cap from our much anticipated brew, we were unable to do so with the obvious mechanism. Being the resourceful fellows that we are, we experimented with various "alternative methods," using the many potential angles and openings available. (1)

(1) We did, however, apply the rule that we would not utilize the classic "lighter-trick" style of opening, since nearly any object can be successful with that method.

Eventually we were able to beat the cap into submission, and it resigned its duty as protector of the golden nectar - but not without a fight. Despite the struggle to gain access to the brew, it was worth the fight. Being unlabeled and home-brewed, we weren't sure what to expect to pour out of that bomber, but were pleasantly surprised to find a lovely belgian ale. Heavy with bubble-gum overtones and well balanced hops, you couldn't ask for a better reward.

Having successfully retrieved our beverage, the next step of the plan was to utilize the third gift in question - a shiny new Lodge cast iron grill-pan. The natural choice of meals to break it in with was smoked-swiss, basil, kalamata and mushroom paninis. After that combo, we were forced to ask ourselves, "Why would anyone make a sandwich that wasn't a panini?"

Most bottle-opener review blogs would be content to end there. Not us, good reader, not us. We would not be satisfied until we had a fully working bottle opener in our hands. As luck would have it, we had a set of files at the ready, and the willpower to make this opener work.

After several minutes of filing, checking, and repeating we seemed to be getting close. The rasp of the files only made us thirstier, and we became anxious to utilize the pliers on our next round. (2)

(2) We would not be deterred by the taste of iron filings in our beer, either.

Finally, we were able to use the pliers opener for its intended purpose, and it did a surprisingly good job! Even though we were able to redeem this opener, and transform it into a decent tool, our professional ethics dictate that we score it on its original form. Based on our rigorous testing and our complex (and secretive) rubrik for scoring openers, we give the pliers opener a resounding
0 out of 6 bottle score.

Even though it was initially inept at removing caps, with a little bit of work, the pliers is a solid addition to the Bottle Opener Review's arsenal, not to mention the fact that it is visually appealing and solidly constructed. It will serve us well for years to come.

2012-11-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

Your humble reviewers would like to take a moment to give a big cheers to the end of the 2012 Election season. Any reason to utilize our favorite tool is a good reason!

The dark alleyways of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

2012-11-05T20:04:00.001-08:00

Exhibit A : The defendants in question

Rarely does such a well matched set of items meet under the watchful eyes of our writers, but on occasion fate smiles upon us, and today's review provided just that sort of opportunity; the Wolski's branded "Milwaukee" cast brass bottle opener, and a six-pack of Milwaukee Brewing Company's Polish Moon milk stout. The only thing left to add was some entertainment.

The Milwaukee opener is a grossly oversized and ominously heavy utensil, and looks every inch the brawler that its name implies. What is the reasoning behind this design, you might ask? Perhaps it has to do with the over six thousand violent crimes committed in Milwaukee every year. The Polish Moon milk-stout is definitely potent enough to fuel such violent behavior, and the Milwaukee opener there to spark the flame. (1)

(1) For the record, this blog, nor its reviewers endorse any form of violent action, nor do we believe delicious craft beer to be the cause of said violence.

With the 5 pounds (2) of brass in hand, and a fully capped six pack of beer at the ready, we cased our location, and began preparing for an uncharacteristically lighthearted round of Kubb.(3) The Milwaukee opener made quick work of the puny steel caps separating us from the midnight black and honey thick stash of milk-stout. It's going to be hard to put this opener away because putting this beer away in our bellies was so easy. The sounds of the Kubb lumber colliding might just have well been the clamor of chairs striking skulls in a bar fight, but there was no substitute for the creamy, bitter and ever so slightly sweet flavor of that brew.

(2) In lieu of actually having a scale, we used our editorial judgement to estimate the weight of this opener.

(3) Needless to say, we felt immeasurably safer with the Milwaukee in hand, and any passing thugs or ruffians who had thought to shake us down must have beat a hasty retreat after catching its menacing glint.

As for the question we're sure is on everyone's mind - the Milwaukee does indeed open bottles. As it is easily large enough to act as a replacement axle for your getaway car or a crowbar in a pinch, you can imagine that there is no lack of leverage when opening a beer. Aesthetically speaking, it is a sight to behold, recalling the glorious days of American industry - memories almost forgotten under layers of barroom sawdust. We were as tempted to mount it on the wall as we were to use it to open beer.

The Milwaukee opener stays true to its roots, and much like the blue-collar workers that crafted it, it does its nine-to-five as a bottle opener, but without making a big fuss of it. It might not open a bottle in a hurry, but it'll get the job done one way or another. For that, we give it a middle-of-the-road 3 out of 6 bottle score.

However, when dusk falls and ne'er-do-wells abound, the Milwaukee truly shines, providing much needed intimidation, and the muscle to back up that threat. So, as a blunt-object or brass-knuckles stand-in, we give it a solid 6 out of 6 score.

B.O.R. Abroad (Nederlands): Brouwerij't IJ

2012-10-16T15:29:00.001-07:00

Should you find yourself in Amsterdam, congratulate yourself with kaas, bier, and many pats on your back. Indeed, that's what the Bottle Opener Review does when on holiday. While the Netherlands may not strike you as a bottle opener / beer destination (1), the international city, canal-crossed countryside, and maritime culture inspired the consumption of more than a few adult beverages.

(1) Belgium has the best beer and Germany the best beer culture, but guess what lower-than-sealevel country touches them both!

While Dutch beer might be synonymous with Heineken, we casually skipped their tour, floated down the canal, and docked ourselves at the Brouwerij't IJ, shadowed by the De Gooier windmill in Amsterdam. This brewery holds all the appeal of a micro establishment with its rotating small-batch taps, clean design, surly bartenders, and oh-so scrumptious cheese / beer combinations. Not only could you sample their beer on tap, you could buy any combination of their suds in bottle form - the form we like best!

They of course offer tours: in Dutch at 2PM, English at 3PM, and never in French, as a sign on the wall proudly proclaimed. But we didn't need a tour as much as we needed 12 beer samples and 1 bowl of stinky cheese.

Our flight, from lightest to darkest, included the Plzen blond, IJ Bok, Natte double, Struis organic, and Columbus double IPA. These beers proved to be a hit for our crew's varying tastes and having two flights meant we could trade beers like fisherman trade tall tales(2). And, the alcohol content of these brews rose steeply into the 8-9% range after the first draft (3). Not surprisingly, the memories of the rest of the afternoon remain cloudy.

(2) Which is freely.
(3) Making "beer for lunch" the best idea we've had while in the Netherlands! Our plea for startchy salvation at the brewpub went unanswered and we careened home like a landed crew on leave.

2 flights of beer and stinky muenster with celery salt.

Tip, Tap, Tow: Pedal Tour of MN Breweries

2012-10-09T18:42:00.000-07:00

Occasionally, we take a break from our fascination with bottle openers in order to hit the streets and meet the brewmasters where the pedalist meets the road. This week we will recap a recent excursion into the streets of Minneapolis, on a search for beers, atop our bikes, and equipped with local booty. And, ironically enough, not a single bottle opener was required.

A bike parked outside Harriet Brewing proudly bears 2 St. Valentine's Day Hustle spoke cards - Bomb City, represented.

Our destinations for the day included fabled Flat Earth Brewery, scenic Harriet Brewing, the mighty Fulton Brewery, and Indeed Brewing Company (Indeed).

West Side Belgium-Style IPA, Harriet Brewing.

Why did we choose these four breweries? Because they offer Free Saturday Tours, obviously (1).

Cruisin' from Northeast Minneapolis to St. Paul, we arrived 40 minutes late to Flat Earth Brewery. As we had been required to book a tour spot, we figured we had missed the boat. Not so! The boat was still at the dock, bobbing leisurely, its' captain telling us that everyone was free to scour the decks and sample the cargo until 7 PM that night; making the Flat Earth Brewery tour an official 9 hour event for those who could keep their sealegs that long... we welcome the stories of any that do.

(1) Our Sakajawea of Suds, Anusha, planned the tour and led us along like pioneers seeking the calming shores of each brewery by direct and practical bike route.

Local lady/picnic lunch at Harriet Brewery.

Our Indian(2)-by-way-of-New-Jersey guide next led us north along the Mississippi until we reached Harriet Brewing in South Minneapolis.

Harriet provided us with the proverbial shelter from the storm. While sipping tasty twists on Belgian style beers, we partook in our rations (imported from Wisconsin, of course), and dodged the harsh rays of the sun under the conveniently placed umbrellas. While the selection is small, Harriet brews up some delightful beer, and the outdoor seating - complete with Hammerschlagen stations - is a must for any voyage. Plan a stop there on a fair day, and you won't be disappointed.

(2) Continent.

At last, a stop where we enjoy the same view as our parked bikes.

The next hop was downtown to Fulton Brewery, albeit a brief one. (3) Suffice it to say that we don't envy the brave barmen and barmaids that draw the short straw to work shifts before the mighty Minnesota Twins display their prowess at nearby Metrodome Stadium.

(3) The beers were delicious but the crowds rowdy, too much so for these weary sailors to stay in port for long.

The Midnight Ryder atop a table carved with names from antiquity.

The capstone to our travels around the fair city of lakes was at what could only be described as a sight for sore eyes and tender calf muscles - otherwise known as Indeed Brewing Company. The beverage selection was a modest 3 taps - but emboldened with 2 casked, dry hopped varieties. As luck would have it, we also had the good fortune to encounter a wandering sea-gypsy food-caravan (know to the layman as a food truck), with which to re-supply rations - both vegetarian and otherwise. While being beguiled by the house ales and lulled by the gentle sounds of trains rolling past, we sunk into the comfortable chairs and rich antique wood environment of the taproom. It was enough to make any seafaring band consider calling home. Who knows? Maybe next time we might not escape the siren call of hops, well restored architecture, and fresh tattoo ink.

The Stealth Opener

2012-09-19T16:49:00.003-07:00

Gather 'round, friends - I'd like to introduce you to a new tool in the Review's arsenal of bottle liberating devices, what we like to call the "stealth" opener. When consuming your favorite bottled beverage outside of your home or local establishment, there are often many impediments you might encounter; such as the prying eyes of law enforcement or misguided citizens. To help alleviate these problems, the fine folks at Vaughan U.S.A. have developed a technologically advanced new (circa 1950) tool - the "Quad Fold."

What is the Quad-fold, you might ask? It is the worlds first folding bottle opener, with dual bottle cap and can-punch implements. It ingeniously folds at the middle, converting to a compact and inconspicuous "stealth" mode. Where are the other three folds referred to in the name? Well, they are too subtle for even us two well-trained and seasoned bottle opening veterans to discern. (1)

(1) Bonus shout-out to any reader that can find them hiding in there somewhere.
Two pieces, two tools, one hinge - four folds? You do the math.

Being the intrepid reviewers we are, we decided to put the "Quad Fold" to the test in some real-world situations. The natural choice for this was to bring our own refreshments to the budget theater, and try out this opener's mettle, while using the sounds of explosions and gunfire to mask our mischief. The feature film chosen was Joss Whedon's The Avengers.

"There was an idea to bring together a group of remarkable people, so when we needed them, they could fight the battles that we never could..." Or perhaps open the bottles we never could? Our night at the budget theater would have been incomplete were it not for the Quad-fold. It was our gateway into another universe of movie-watching experience: one that included Dave's BrewFarm Matacabras Ale.

"His secrets have secrets." And our stealth opener ushered us through the one hundred forty odd minutes of opulent action scenes and quip-cracking one-liners with the clandestine touch that only a folding bottle opener could make. This whisper-quiet opener was essential for keeping up with Joss Whedon's Gatling gun dialogue and gliding camera work.

"You put those people together, you can't expect what's going to happen..." Despite the Quad-fold's power to open beers discretely, it could not account for your humble reviewer's hulkish feet kicking over empty bottles, sending them clattering underneath two rows of seats. So much for secrecy.

The "Quad Fold" performed even better than expected, easily dispatching four bottles in quick succession, with only the dim light of a cheap projector to guide it. It folds up and fits perfectly in the change pocket of a pair of jeans, and no-one but us was any wiser to the action taking place off-screen - although this might have more to do with the ineptitude of the movie theater staff than our stealthiness.

Despite its misleading title, and obvious age, the "Quad Fold" is a worthy companion on any excursion. The cap removal is swift due to the extended leverage provided when you unfold it, and it has the additional advantage of having a can-punch, in case vintage flat-top cans start to make a come-back to appease the hipster market-share. All-in-all, we give it a resounding 5 out of 6 bottle score.

The Kingdom of Norway

2012-09-05T09:02:00.003-07:00

For today's Review, we will be taking a (metaphorical) trip to the Kingdom of Norway.
This bottle opener was a gift from Courtney's mother, and it's origin, brand, and other identifying information are all unknown. All we do know about it is that it has what appears to be a bone (perhaps whale bone?) or horn handle, inscribed with the word Norge (Norwegian for Norway), and decorated with an idyllic scene of a small hut against the backdrop of a misty mountain.

What we lack in history for this tool, we make up for with first-hand experience. This opener has a pleasant heft and using it conjures visions of salty seawater spraying across the bow of some old wooden fishing vessel as we wield the only tool available to us against the impending storm - a hearty brew.

While on the face of things, it may seem that this is merely a novelty souvenir, or tourist trap fare, we choose to believe that this is an ancient heirloom - passed down from generation to generation of broad-shouldered viking descendants, perhaps from Harald Fairhair himself.

But we digress. The important thing about this tool is that it opens bottles! Perhaps not so spectacularly as our description so far might lead you to believe, but nonetheless well enough to dispatch our beers for the evening; Southern Tier Unearthly Imperial Pale Ale, Central Waters Bourbon Barrel Cherry Stout, and Rogue John John Ale. An eclectic bunch, if we've ever seen one.

To accompany our historic opener, and the assemblage of beers we used to test it, we crafted a decidedly un-vikinglike meal of sauerkraut, pineapple, peppers and barbecue sauce pizza AKA When the Cubs Win the Pennant Pizza (1).

(1) The toppings of this pizza were inspired by a trip to Cubby's Bar in downtown Downsville, WI where the owner makes pizzas behind the bar and freely recommends a sauerkraut, pineapple, and bacon pizza. We left out the bacon, but kept the craziness - hence the name.

The resulting pizza was smoother than a Whitest Boy Alive lick, (2) and lick our fingers we did. Let's start from the top: red onions, pineapple, and pickled peppers riding a wave of fresh mozzarella with sauerkraut and barbecue sauce lurking below the surface. All atop a hand made crust, from dough raised, relaxed, and baked earlier that day. The kind of crust with a crisp that invited you to take another slice and crack another brew.

(2) The author spent the next fifteen minutes watching Whitest Boy Alive videos, the smashingest of which you can see here:

We at the Bottle Opener Review attest that the best beer is one that is freely given. And while each beer consumed this evening had it's own mass, the one with a planet's worth of gravity and a celestial body to boot was the Central Waters Bourbon Barrel Cherry Stout, which was a gift from a seasoned couch surfer who biked to Menomonie the weekend prior. This brew followed the pizza dinner in a manner that was fitting for a few travelers returning home to the hearth, with a warm oaky aroma and plenty of sweet-tart cherry.

When all was said and done, the night was a success, and no-one was thrown overboard. The Norge opener did a fine job, and will remain in our arsenal, and the pizza was some of the finest this town has to offer.

As far as the opener; the Norge scored points in our book for it's style, and imaginary history, and on top of that - it opens beers. Overall we give it a score of 4 out of 6 bottles.

We'd like to thank everyone for joining us on the journey to Scandinavia tonight, and hope you'll make it back for the next one. Until then, keep it classy.

Bags and Bottles.

2011-09-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

Every sinner on a bike knows how many beers their bag can hold. Shit, she can probably tell you the difference in capacity between bottles, cans and 40s. If she's a smart sinner, she'll wait until 8:58 to buy beer in the city limits. Dash into the grocery store, flurry exchange of currency and then rip into that treated cardboard like a zombie into a brain. Fill your bag and then fill your belly.

There's nothing we like better than a ride with a few good friends in your bag, and the enablers at Timbuk2 have made debauchery on a bike even easier. Their Hemlock Backpack is a latchkey for having a Dionysian night. With capacity for a case of cans or 18 bottles, this bag is also outfitted with a bottle opener on the left shoulder strap. Let the iniquity begin.

And we, your bold, beautiful and boozed-up buds busted this bag out of William's collection of many in order to test its mettle against our eternally wet appetites.

What happened in the kitchen that night can only be described as a small miracle: burritos, holding the same cryptid mischievousness of the Chupacabra; descended from on high, laden with starch, spinach and sass, landing on our plates and loading our mouths with the savory tones of summer bounty. Science has yet to prove how tasty a treat we actually crafted that night.

We don't believe in gods - in burritos, we trust.

Test beverage for the evening was Mudpuppy Porter from Sand Creek Brewing Company, and musical accompaniment for the evening was from Kanye West & Jay-Z, both of which could merit their own review - but that's not our modus operandi here tonight.

The Hemlock won over our hearts and our stomaches in short order. This one's got it all - form, function, flippancy. What more could you ask from your opener than to carry your beer as well? How about the ability to flawlessly remove a cap? Done deal. Throw in good looks, solid construction and the ability to haul your laptop as well (not to mention a hidden stash pocket for cash, credit cards, whatnot) and you've got a winning package.

Due to the verve and attitude displayed by this particular opener, we couldn't help but give it a resounding 5 out of 6 bottles.

Opening Review

2011-08-16T10:18:00.000-07:00

At the end of the keychain, bottom of the drawer, or side of the fridge lives a special someone. So special, that you'll never leave home without one and never be caught without one at home. At a hootenanny, watch an entire group of Carpathians fumble through their pockets as they protest in amazement that there is not one to be got.

Clever, creative or curious design can turn an ordinary opener into a drinking totem. Lassoo a brew or two and bring your appetite as well. Welcome to the Bottle Opener Review - a blog dedicated to the search for quality bottle openers, and their appreciation.

The premier review will be of one of the most widespread and commonly available keychain bottle openers, the extruded aluminum promotional keychain opener.

The meal prepared with the review was mock-duck thai red curry, with short-grain brown rice.

With mother nature telling Trevor to "lose those sleeves" and father time telling Will he had lost enough blood to "reenact the passover", the heat in the kitchen took a toll on our chefs and faithfully handsome authors.

The opener in question is, as previously mentioned, one of the more pervasive and cheaply available extruded aluminum, made in China, openers. The specific item used was a promotional keychain for QBP's FrostBike open-house (2007). The test-beers were Tyranena Brewing Company's Bitter Woman IPA. (Caveat; the beer in question is actually a twist-off cap, which hopefully did not skew results)

First impressions were that the opener was "dinky at best", unimpressive, but pleasantly simple. Also noted were that it was discrete, incredibly average, uninspired, and (for better or worse) non-lethal {footnote 1}.

The FrostBike opener uses a traditional "pull-up" style, but has a fairly small amount of leverage. As far as opening abilities, this opener does about as well as you'd expect from looking at it. Out of six beers opened, only one was able to be opened in one pull - the rest required a secondary pull to finish them off.

Overall, we would recommend this opener for fidgeters, avid bowlers or Bananarama fans.

Final verdict? We give it two bottles out of six - for ability to remove a cap, but without class or style.

{Footnote 1} How do you tell if a bottle opener is non-lethal? Simple. Get three beers and two friends together in an empty room, lock the door, place the beers and opener in betwixt the once friends and let St. Peter do the math. For those of you who liked the review, you're lucky this opener was non-lethal. For those of you who hated this review, why are you still reading?