Boundaries 4 Codependents

Boundaries or lack thereof in the Movies - Henry's Crime

2011-10-04T00:38:00.000-04:00

I just watched the movie Henry's Crime with Keanu Reeves, James Cann and Vera Farmiga.

In this movie Henry has an "empty life", there isn't anything "wrong" with it.. he has a wife, a job, a car, a house.. yet he is obviously empty inside.
Codependency does that to you.

He has almost no internal boundaries, he agrees to stuff and doesn't really know why.. he has difficulty in saying "NO" to almost everybody.

Early in the movie a high school friend shows up on his door step, the guy is a shyster, a petty crook, a manipulator.. in short he is a predator and remembers that Henry is "prey"

codependents frequently set themselves up as "prey"

OR.. being Prey is intolerable.... so codas often can cover up their deep rooted feelings of inadequacy by becoming manipulative or even aggressive, bullies are more codependent than the people they prey on.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/henrys_crime_2010/

Henry wants out of his life.. it feels so empty he would rather go to jail for a crime he did not commit

Psychologicial Reversal - Part Of You Wants Something And You Want Something Else

2011-08-17T04:32:00.000-04:00

What is Psychological Reversal?
In 1980 top American psychologist Dr Roger Callahan invented a new treatment for psychological problems called Thought Field Therapy (TFT).
Source WorldwideHealth.com

In context of his audio series, Dr Robert Anthony explains Psychological Reversal as "our sub conscious is holding some contradictory interntion than our conscious mind"

"... to put it simply, you want something, and your sub conscious doesn't"

Similar to and often in combination to what Family Systems Theory calls "secondary gain"

What is Secondary Gain?

Secondary gain is a psychiatric term meaning that a person has a hidden reason for holding onto an undesirable condition. Frequently this reason is unconscious. It is obviously unconscious because the loss of holding onto the condition is often far greater than the perceived gain.

For example, this term is often used in chronic pain management. Chronic pain is pain that continues on past the time of an injury being healed, often having no apparent cause in the present. Finding and releasing the perception of secondary gain, such as the attention one receives, monetary compensation for disability, or just the need to deny the original cause of the pain, can greatly contribute to healing.
Source Circles Of Light

This is not to be confused with Reverse Psychology according to Dictionary.com:

a method of getting another person to do what one wants by pretending not to want it or to want something else or something more.

This site is for informational purposes only: Disclaimer: if you are in crisis contact a local to you hotline and/ or seek professional psychiatric help

Status Quo, your family will not want you to get better

2011-05-13T19:49:00.000-04:00

What came first?
the chicken or the egg?

With boundaries it's not just "YOUR boundaries", it's your families boundaries that are in play.

You can't be a victim in a vacuum

What does this mean in English?

You realize you have less than functional boundaries
what does that mean?

You let others (allow others, fail to object to...) treat you with a lack of respect
why would they do that?

Boundaries aren't "you" or "about you", they are "ABOUT" the interaction/ the interplay/ an interpersonal relationship

The "pecking order" is currently interpreted by others as "you are one down" making them "one up"

"OneUpmanship" is THE underlying theme in codependency.

the other people who interact with you, for what ever reason, (doesn't matter if the egg came first or the chicken came first), they LIKE being "one up"

Let's say you have a history of drug abuse, that means someone else has had to "cover for you", you have let someone down, now more than likely that person is a family member

After a while they will resent (rightfully so) the fact that you've failed them in some way

Soon after that they will "collect injustices", you will be running a "defiecit" with this family member

What niether of you realize is, without them "setting out to do so", they "LIKE" being "one up"

Let's say time passes, you "get better"

the family member in question doesn't realize they WANT the status quo to change, they LIKE being one up...

Now you need to restructure your boundaries with that person

.... and you're shocked to find out, they actually don't WANT YOU TO GET BETTER

Being Valuable

2010-07-15T01:39:00.000-04:00

Being Valuable
From Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Part of recovery means learning to share ourselves with other people. We learn to admit our mistakes and expose our imperfections – not so that others can fix us, rescue us, or feel sorry for us, but so we can love and accept ourselves. This sharing is a catalyst in healing and changing.

Many of us are fearful of sharing our imperfections because that makes us
vulnerable. Some of us have tried being vulnerable in the past, and people tried to control, manipulate, or exploit us, or they made us feel ashamed.

Some of us in recovery have hurt ourselves by being vulnerable. We may have shared things with people who didn’t respect our confidence. Or we may have told the wrong people at an inappropriate time, and scared them away.

We learn from our mistakes – and despite our mistakes, it is a good thing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest. We can learn to choose safe people with whom to share ourselves. We can learn to share appropriately, so we don’t scare or push people away. We can also learn to let others be vulnerable with us.

Today, God, help me learn to be appropriately vulnerable. I will not let others exploit or shame me for being vulnerable, and I will not exploit myself.

Boundaries Are Containers For Self Esteem

2010-03-14T03:04:00.000-04:00

Boundaries and Self Esteem
You don't have to be codependent to be concerned about Self Esteem. Everyone knows self esteem is important, most of us know our self esteem could use some boosting.

Codependents ARE codependent because their boundaries are damaged. Problem is almost no one (therapists included) are in agreement with a functional definition of exactly what boundaries are or what they look like.

The only people concerned with functional boundaries are those on the "shi*y end of the stick"

If you find your self constantly being "walked on" or if you have a pattern of repeatedly setting yourself up to be taken advantage of... you have less than functional boundaries. We can't call them "good boundaries" or "bad boundaries" because it's a subjective thing, who is to say what is "good" or "bad"?

I prefer to refer to boundaries as either functional or less than functional.

Why To Is More Important Then How To

What does having functional boundaries do for you?
They are the "container" for your sense of self, boundaries are where you end and other people begin.
If you have less than functional boundaries, you think it's normal for other peoples problems or issues affect you. In actuality, you don't have a "nickle in it". Non codependent people don't allow themselves to be manipulated or get caught up in "drama".
We do unfortunately, for some reason, we think this is normal.
We don't even notice that it isn't normal....

fold your arms
now fold them the other way
... feels funny doesn't it?

That's what it feels like to "train yourself" to rethink what normal is and doesn't have to be.

Self Esteem

No boundaries, no self esteem.
boundaries are the container for self esteem, without boundaries we don't have a "box" to put boundaries in!

Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries

2009-09-23T02:08:00.000-04:00

We all need healthy boundaries. Our boundary defines who we are and
determines how we are able to interact and relate to the world,
physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My boundary lets me know
where I end and you begin. My boundary allows me to express who I am
and allows you to do the same. If we grew up in a dysfunctional
family, inconsistent and various forms of abuse influenced our
ability to form and maintain our boundaries. We also have
difficulty identifying the boundaries of others.

Damaged boundaries is another symptom of codependency.

A primary cause of conflict and difficulties in relationships lies in
unhealthy boundaries. My boundary is my container. When I am too
contained or not contained enough, then problems in relationships
result. Healing and restoring our boundary is a part of the recovery
process. It does not happen overnight.

Our physical boundary

Sets our need and right to physical space and safety; including our
needs and rights in sexual interaction with others.

Our emotional or internal boundary

Sets our emotional needs, rights and safety; including our right to
our thoughts and actions.

If I develop an overly protective boundary, my ability to be in
healthy relationships with others is compromised. It like being in a
shell, like a turtle. No one can get it and I can't get out. The give
and take, back and forth flow in a relationship is hampered.

The other extreme is a lack of a sense of boundary. I cannot
experience myself as separate from others. My container is faulty and
all the contents spill out just like an egg when the shell is broken.
It becomes difficult to distinguish myself from others. I feel my
feelings and all of your feelings too. I begin to define myself
according to your definition. I lost my own identity. My
feelings are your feelings, my thoughts are your thoughts, and I
behave the way I think you want me to.

A healthy boundary is like the permeable membrane of a cell. It
controls what goes in and out. It determines what it needs and goes
for it. There is a back and forth flow.

As our self-esteem increases in recovery,
so will the health of our boundaries.

In review:

*The rigid boundary is like an impenetrable wall.
Nothing can go in or come out.

*No boundary - The person is unprotected.
Everything can flood in and flood out.

*Partial boundaries work sometimes but are not reliable.
*Healthy boundaries protect the individual,
and the person can choose what comes in and goes out.

Other Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries:

Sexual:

1.. Having sex when you do not want to
2.. Falling in love at first sight. Actually this is impossible.
You cannot love someone you do not know. It's actually infatuation.
3.. Intimate sharing on first meeting
4.. Using sex as a reward or punishment
5.. Inability to distinguish between love and sex.
6.. Manipulating another person through sex
7.. Feeling a need to always be in a sexual relationship
8.. Attaching self-esteem to sexual attraction
9.. Forcing sex on someone who does not want it
10.. Sexual abuse

Physical:

1.. Touching others without asking
2.. Physical intimidation
3.. Not allowing others privacy
4.. Not protecting your own need for privacy
5.. Physical abuse

Emotional:

1.. Verbal abuse
2.. Making threats
3.. Assuming I know what someone else feels
4.. Assuming others know what I feel
5.. Expecting others to know my needs and meet them
6.. Assuming to know the needs of others
7.. Over-reaction to feelings or behaviors of others
8.. Insisting others tell us how they feel
9.. Not respecting the rights of others
10.. Intolerance to differences of opinion
11.. Dependence on others for my sense of well-being
12.. Inability to ask for help
13.. Personalizing
14.. Need for constant reassurance from others
15.. Going against personal values and morals to please others
16.. Unclear preferences
17.. Accepting gifts that I don't want
18.. Making material gifts the measure of another's caring
19.. Over giving
20.. Frequent advice-giving with expectation that others follow it.

Descriptions of Boundaries

Rigid Boundaries: Physical

1.. Stiff body posture
2.. Stoic
3.. Uncomfortable being touched
4.. Avoids touching or showing affection to others
5.. Avoids physical closeness
6.. Does not reach or under-reacts
7.. Stone face
8.. Very predictable behavior

Rigid Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Appears insensitive to the feelings of others
2.. Appears aloof and disinterested
3.. Does not show feelings
4.. Does not talk about feelings
5.. Seems emotionally numb
6.. Attempts to meet needs and wants by themselves
7.. Has difficulty asking for or accepting help from others
8.. Does not react or under-reacts emotionally
9.. Has difficulty giving or receiving from others

No Boundaries: Physical

1.. Does not like being alone
2.. Touches others without asking
3.. Allows others to touch him/her
    even when it uncomfortable or inappropriate

4.. Is not aware of own need for privacy
5.. Imposes on the privacy of others
6.. Allows physical space to be invaded
7.. Over-reacts to the feelings and behavior of others
8.. Personalizes
9.. Behavior is influenced by others
10.. Is unpredictable

No Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Feels everything
2.. feels the feelings of others
3.. Cannot contain feelings
4.. Over-discloses, tells too much
5.. Is dependent on others for emotional well-being
6.. Gets too close too fast
7.. Feels like a victim
8.. Experiences prolonged resentments
9.. Is overwhelmed and preoccupied with others
10.. Says "yes" when he/she wants to say "no"
11.. Feels responsible for the feelings of others
12.. Identity tied to being in an intimate relationship
13.. overcompensates
14.. Expects others to meet needs
15.. Gives too much
16.. Takes too much
17.. Unable to respect the rights of others

Partial Boundaries: Physical

1.. May have extremes in need for physical space.
2.. Shows characteristics of fluctuation in boundaries
3.. May have rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances
    and fragile boundaries in others.

Partial Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Has mood swings
2.. Is indirect, e.g., Shares feelings about marriage with mother
rather than with husband. Is emotionally inconsistent. - May have
rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances and fragile
boundaries particularly in intimate relationships.

Healthy Boundaries: Physical

1.. Makes physical boundary clear to others
2.. Respects and is sensitive to the needs and rights of others
3.. Is able to negotiate and compromise
4.. Asks permission before touching others

Healthy Boundaries: Emotional

1.. Shares feelings appropriately and directly
2.. Is assertive
3.. Is interdependent
4.. Identifies choices
5.. Is able to make mistakes without damage to self-esteem
6.. Has an internal sense of personal identity
7.. Can allow "differences" in others
8.. Tolerates and accepts differences of opinion
    without altering their own
9.. Is sensitive to feelings of others (empathetic)

My Boundaries:

What kind of boundary do I have?
Where in my life is it the hardest to have a healthy boundary?
What changes would I like to make in my boundary?
What do I need to do to make these changes?

Victim Based Behavior Woven Into Fabric of Your Being

2009-09-09T00:11:00.003-04:00

So you think you've got problems?

Codependents cling to their victim behavior as if it was an old friend

.. if you suddenly were not a victim anymore, if the fates suddenly stopped conspiring against you.

... you no longer had an external force to blame for your less than fortunate circumstances.

Codependents who "get better", more often than not unconsciously "Miss" their victim role, as if it was a long lost friend who you were so comfortable with you can't imagine living in a world without "Him" or "It"

It's not possible to be codependent without being someone who prefers to be a victim.

Codependents arrange their lives so something outside of them, some circumstance that appears to be beyond their control is preventing them from being functional.

I'm saying, not only do you like it that way, if you "got better", you'd Crave to go back to where it was someone or something else's "fault".

If you want to end this pattern, I'm saying you need to change internally, change your perception, change your attitude.

In our culture, attitude is looked down on as if it was a red headed step child, an also ran, it's not given anywhere near the credit it's due. Western ideas have frowned upon the subjective and worships the scientific process.

Attitude can alter, effect, improve, cause stuff to change way, way, WAY beyond what most of us are willing to assign a value to.

The little girl in this story has a positive attitude that could make the the economy rebound.

Watch this incredible story and adjust your attitude to a fraction of hers and I'm of the opinion what ever is dragging you down (what ever the circumstances) will "get better"

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

==========
This article is for informational purposes only.
Please contact a licensed professional in your area
if you are in crisis or require mental health services

Sugar and it's Destructive Effect

2009-07-30T21:56:00.004-04:00

Sugar isn't as sweet as it seems.

This is the first in a series of articles on blood sugar and it's effect on codependency.

Sugar, if abused IS drug abuse... just as devastating as Cocaine abuse or Coffee abuse

Second feature article: Human Touch and it's Healing Effects

A lifetime of eating a high sugar diet (most Americans are eating upwards of 20.5 teaspoons a day), and too many carbohydrates, is a real concern. And if you've noticed, we've been hearing a lot about blood sugar lately.

It used to be something you didn't pay attention to until late in life—but given the typical American diet and lifestyle, it's now become something we all need to be aware of. I firmly believe we all need to pay attention to our blood sugar—and it's never too early to start, especially if you're already dealing with glucose issues.

Here's what happens. The sugars and starches you eat are converted to glucose (blood sugar), which enters your bloodstream to be transported to the cells where it's burned for energy. This is where insulin comes in. It "unlocks" your cell walls so the glucose can enter, but in order for this to work, your cells need to be sensitive to insulin.

When your cells aren't sensitive to insulin, your body has to do something with the glucose. It converts some of it into fat, and the rest can become AGEs (advanced glycation end products)—which can build up in the tissues, and affect cellular function. The bottom line is you want to be sensitive to insulin.

====

Human Touch and it's Healing Effects

Human touch is almost as necessary to life as air, water and food. Some people might argue that it is as important. We need to be held by our parents or a caregiver when we are newborns and as children we look for hugs when we fall and scrape our knees. As adults, we still need to be touched–in appropriate and healthy ways, of course.

Perhaps that’s why many hospitals worldwide have started incorporating therapeutic touch, Reiki, and other forms of healing touch into hospice care. As an example, the The Portsmouth Regional Hospital in New Hampshire has provided well over 8,000 Reiki treatments to patients since 1995. Reiki (pronounced “ray-key”) is a Japanese healing art that involves laying-on of hands to channel universal healing energy through the practitioner to the recipient. The word “Reiki” is Japanese for “universal life energy.”

The highly successful Reiki program, started by Patricia Alandydy, BSN, RN, offers Reiki treatments in every department of the hospital. Now, patients can have Reiki alongside more conventional surgeries, radiation, and other treatments.

And research is documenting the positive healing effects of Reiki and healing touch on diseases like cancer, heart disease, endocrine disorders, immune disorders, orthopedic conditions and injuries, pain, post-operative recovery, and psychological disorders. In one study at St. Clare’s Center for Complementary Medicine, Memorial Sloan Kettering Oncology Complementary Medicine Pilot Porgram, complementary therapies of meditation, healing touch, reflexology, Reiki, massage, and acupuncture were administered to outpatients. Patients who received Reiki or healing touch showed an average reduction in pain by 48 percent.

In a study of 48 patients who had total knee replacement surgery, along with pain and mobility impairment, those who experienced healing touch showed 30.6 percent greater mobility only 2 days after the surgery than those who had only conventional therapy, and 27 percent greater mobility than those people who experienced a placebo-type version of healing touch therapy.

The power of touch to heal is immense. In a world driven primarily by work and responsibilities, touch therapy has the capacity to help us slow down, experience the compassion of another human being, and heal our bodies, minds, and spirits."

Excercize and Right Brain Activity

2009-07-30T21:39:00.001-04:00

Wake Up to the Importance of Exercise
Working Out Improves Sleep Patterns

You stayed up late last night to finish a project, woke up groggy only to realize that you'd slept through the alarm clock, skipped breakfast, then almost fell asleep in the middle of an important morning meeting. It's now mid-afternoon and, as you're having yet another cup of coffee to stifle yet another yawn, you realize you're seemingly sleep walking through your days.

You're not the only one. Nightly sleep for the average American has dropped from 10 hours (before the invention of the lightbulb) to 6.9 hours, with a third of adults now getting even less than that! In fact, nearly half of all adults admit they...
Read Entire Article

RIGHT BRAIN ACTIVITY
Right brain activity tends to be creative and innovative in character while left brain activity is rational and step-wise. The left brain controls the right side of the body and the right brain controls the left side of the body. Although it is not true that all left-handed people are more creative than right-handed people, many lefties are indeed creative. Ideally, both left- and right-handed people would be able to combine brain hemispheres and be both creative and rational. Unfortunately, most of us are either one or the other and combining both is not taught well in our schools, society, or by our peers.
The right brain contains the fifth brain circuit which is a holistic, superconscious state and is a major goal of Tantric rituals. Opening the fifth brain circuit, represented by Tiphareth in the Tree of Life, brings the feeling of bliss, a vision of wholeness, the abililty to see holistically, and a neurosomatic ability, among many other benefits. It is also the first step to even higher brain circuits with abilities we almost never tap into.
Another right brain activity is sex. The fourth brain circuit, the sexual circuit is located in the right hemisphere of our brains. When this brain circuit is energized, chemical changes are made in the body and brain which are enormously healing, inspirational, and energizing. This energy and chemistry can be used to awaken and energize the fifth brain circuit, creating even more chemical changes in the body of a highly desirable nature. We can heal our bodies with the chemical changes these brain circuits produce (neurosomatic means mind over matter) and many Tantric rituals, many techniques of the Tree of Life, and much of the teachings of the Tao are designed in such a way as to energize these two circuits.
Methods of opening the right brain functions abound and include music, sex, art, exercise, massage, color therapy, aroma therapy, accupressure, polarity therapy, and much more. This book is about Tantra which is the attainment of spiritual values through control of sexual energy. Therefore, we will discuss principally the manner in which sex is used to open the right brain functions and specifically the fourth and fifth brain circuits. In our fore-brain, the frontal lobes, there are several more brain circuits seldom or never used consciously by the average person. We will also discuss later how to open these brain circuits by using the paths created by activating the right brain circuits. The reason sex is emphasized here is because this is the energy which is used to open the even higher and more powerful brain circuits available in our frontal lobe areas, the so-called "new brain" unique to humans and so seldom used by any of us.

Einstien as the codependent rebel?

2009-06-27T19:35:00.005-04:00

Einstein's Very, Very Good Year
By David Bodanis, David Bodanis taught at Oxford University for many years. He is the author of "E=mc2: A Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation" (Walker & Co., 2000). His new book, "Electric Universe," will be published in February.
September 17, 2004

If Einstein hadn't smarted off to his professors while he was in college... he'd have never been "Saddled" with that crappy job... the one that as it turns out was exactly what he needed to be able to think clearly enough (with unfettered concentration) to figure out that time doesn't exist.

Everybody has a good day from time to time, but what happened to Albert Einstein in 1905, when he was just 26 years old, was extraordinary: He wrote five powerful papers in one year -- any one of which would have been worthy of the Nobel Prize, laying the foundation for the modern pharmaceutical industry, quantum mechanics and the theory of relativity. He even came up that year with the beguilingly simple formula -- E=mc2 -- that has done so much to transform our century.

What made it even more extraordinary -- as "Einstein," an exhibition at the Skirball Cultural Center, reveals -- was that up until the start of that year, nobody had any idea he was capable of this. He'd been an average university student in Zurich, Switzerland, and because he had smarted off so much to his teachers he hadn't been allowed into graduate school. The best job he'd been able to wangle was that of patent clerk, third class, under the stern eye of one Herr Haller in the Federal Patent Office in Bern, Switzerland.

It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. He'd received a thorough enough grounding in the basic tools of physics from his schooling, and if he had gone straight to a university job, he wrote later, he probably wouldn't have had the time for the quiet, unpressured reflection needed for his breakthroughs.

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Two beliefs kept Einstein motivated in those years at the patent office. The first was that there were great truths waiting to be discovered. He felt, as he once put it, like a little boy standing in a big, dark room lined with books with titles that were hard to distinguish -- but with enough concentration and humility, a few of the waiting pages could be read.

His second motivating belief was that the universe was simple, and the same for everyone. If I, standing still, view a light beam as moving at a certain rate of speed, I have no right to say that this is the "true" rate, and that what you, running along beside the beam, might measure about its speed is wrong. Rather, there had to be a way to make any two such views be seen as just one aspect of a deeper, common truth. From that reasoning -- and with just a few lines of high school algebra -- much of relativity, as well as the formula E=mc2, could be deduced.

It also helped that he was struggling with these problems at a very propitious time. Stephen Jay Gould has pointed out that the reason it's so hard to hit .400 in major league baseball today is that the whole level of play has been raised. In the 1920s and 1930s there were many weak teams, against which it was easy for top hitters to pump up their averages. Today though, there are fewer consistently weak teams. Batters have a higher standard against which to try to stand out.

Einstein was like one of those old-time batters. Today there are thousands of physicists in the world, but when Einstein was at the patent office there were scarcely any -- perhaps six full-time physicists in Switzerland and at most a few hundred in other major countries. He could take the time he needed for quiet mulling without too much worry that anyone would catch up to him.

To top it all, Einstein, who was born and raised in Germany, had the trait many immigrants share -- because they are, in a sense, outsiders -- of questioning what the society around them insists to be true. Although Einstein's parents were not very religious, he knew he came from a line of very Orthodox Jews who had no knowledge of 19th century science. At university, he learned that the biblical tales those ancestors had believed were false, or at least incomplete when it came to science.

But then when his Zurich teachers told him that what he was learning was the total and complete truth, he didn't believe them. After all, his family had been fooled once by taking too much on trust. He ended up questioning whether, by simple analogy, what his overconfident professors were teaching him could be incomplete as well.

Conclusion? The next Einstein -- whether in physics or literature or software -- may also come from America's immigrant groups. It is those who retain that questioning attitude, that suspicion that what everyone in a new environment is telling them might not really be the full truth after all, who have the ability to ask the right questions.

And that is what made Einstein's 1905 so great.

Source: La Times 2004 op ed

"E=mc2: A Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation" on Kindle

Emotional Eating for codependents

2009-03-29T15:24:00.004-04:00

How to Overcome Emotional Eating

By admin on Mar 25, 2009 in Diet and Nutrition

The problem of emotional eating may end with the scale but it begins in the mind. Stress takes its toll on your life. When your defenses are compromised your health takes a hit and so do your emotions.

Everyone has good days and bad days. How we deal with the bad ones brings emotional eating into play. You look for comfort. People who turn to food for comfort find a coping mechanism that won’t judge them, hurt them or tell them to stop. To complicate the issue, eating can stimulate the release of endorphins just like exercise. So, after you eat, you feel better.

Emotional eaters use food to relieve stress. They hide behind the food instead of seeking solutions to the problems. But, how do you know you are using food in this way? The first sign is obvious. You will gain weight if you eat too much. In light of the weight gain, examine other areas of your life:

* Have you been under stress lately at work or at home?
* Has anything traumatic happened in the last year?
* Are you dealing with a problem but haven’t found a solution?

Answering “yes” to any of these questions could mean that you are an emotional eater. You eat but you are not necessarily hungry at the time. Do you typically choose comfort foods like these?

* High fat foods like French fries, fried foods
* High carb foods like macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes
* Sugary foods like ice cream, donuts, cookies, cake

There is help for emotional eaters. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem. You’ll experience feelings of helplessness and guilt. The guilt is over potentially ruining your health and the helplessness lies in the fact that you don’t see a way out.

Addiction Substitution

I've always followed the problems of over eating as an addiction because for me, over eating is like sex addiction.

What do I mean by that?

Conventional Wisdom in substance abuse remedial thought is that you have to stop using before you can 'get better'

bullsh**

I'm of the opinion that all that's going to get you is substituting addictions:

Methadone for Heroin
AA 12 step groups for Alchohol (that's right there are people who get addicted to meetings as if that's all there is to thier lives)

What if you're addicted to sex? What are you gonna do... be celibate?

You first mother f****er

What if you're addicted to.. food? What are you gonna do then sherlock?

Both of those addictions require that you ACTUALLY heal from addiction!

There is no substitution for food (sustanence)

What passes for conventional substance abuse recovery is treating the symptom and not going after the root cause... which leads me to admire overeaters annonymous

There is a Yahoo email list that I've spent some time on and recommend it highly.

(so what's an 'email list'? both Google and Yahoo call thier lists - groups. It is.. an online message board where each post is also emailed to the 'group' or 'list'. You *post* a question, the whole group see's it online AND they get it in an email)

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/overeaters/?v=1&t=search&ch=web&pub=groups&sec=group&slk=3

You're going to have to have a Yahoo email address to do this, that also means you're going to have a Yahoo account. email me if you get stuck, my helping is me doing the 12th step, go out and help somebody else

till next time

David Bruce

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

Them's Fightin Words, or Shooting words?

2009-03-22T16:32:00.006-04:00

A man who shot and wounded a fellow Internet chatter outside a Westchester Best Buy was sentenced to 30 years.

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This article on the surface seems like just another angry man flying off the handle, look closer and you'll see non functional boundaries at work.

It's not possible to get upset over what others say about you if you have functional boundaries!

BY DAVID OVALLE

DOVALLE@MIAMIHERALD.COM

William Cruz and Yanko Diaz first met and traded insults in a Latin Internet chat room.

In real life, words turned to bullets.

William ''Cubano35'' Cruz shot Yanko ''Latengoparada'' Diaz in May 2005 outside a Westchester Best Buy. Suspected motive: Cruz was jealous that he was left out of real-life gatherings of chat-room pals.

Cruz, 42, now must serve 30 years in prison, a Miami-Dade judge ruled Friday.

''I think that when you took those actions, you didn't care about the consequences,'' Circuit Judge Julio Jimenez told Cruz.

Diaz, 26, of Hialeah, whose Spanish screen name translates to a phrase indicating his sexual arousal, survived with bullet wounds to the right wrist and the left thumb and buttocks.

''You never know who you are dealing with on the Internet. Clever screen names don't protect you,'' said Miami-Dade prosecutor Suzanne Bell. ``Yanko Diaz almost lost his life when virtual bluster and bravado in a chat room were transformed into real bullets.''

CONVICTED IN JANUARY

Jurors convicted Cruz of second-degree attempted murder in January. During trial, prosecutors Bell and Suzanne Von Paulus told this tale:

It started in a chat room called ''Cuba1,'' accessed through Latinchat.com.

''A small group of people would talk about various things. It was a way to meet friends,'' Diaz said in a sworn affidavit. ``It was a specific group for Cubans looking to meet Cubans.''

Chatters included ''El Habanero'' (Havana Man), ''La Gata Fiera'' (The Raging Cat) and ''Dura y Peligrosa'' (Tough and Dangerous). Through chatting, Diaz even met his girlfriend, Yosandra Piedra, ''La Villana'' (The Villain).

Sometimes, the group met socially, sans Cruz. Diaz said: ``I believe this made him jealous and envious.''

Cruz began insulting people for no reason, telling them of his gun and plans to ''empty it on all of us,'' chatters said.

Cruz later claimed the chatters ganged up on him because they mistakingly believed he was mistreating a cyber girlfriend from Sweden.

Somehow, Cruz got Diaz's cellphone number. For weeks, he threatened him.

Finally on May 7, 2005, Diaz agreed to meet Cruz to talk at the Best Buy, 7755 SW 40th St., just past 9 p.m.

But as Diaz pulled up in his black Toyota Camry, Cruz appeared and shot into the car, wounding Diaz as shoppers fled for cover.

''I got you right where I want you and here is the gift I am going to give your mother for Mother's Day,'' Cruz yelled, Diaz remembered.

PERCEIVED THREAT

Cruz told police that Diaz, from behind tinted windows, may have posed a threat.

On Friday, Diaz and Piedra -- who have a son together now -- appeared in court.

A bullet remains lodged in his thigh, causing pain in cold weather and triggering alarms at airport checkpoints, Diaz told the judge.

Cruz was defiant and rambling in court, calling Diaz a liar.

''He truly believes he is a victim,'' said his defense lawyer, Rene Palomino.

Source: Miami News Herald

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Subjective Reality: Time is an illusion- 20 things you didn't know

2009-03-22T08:33:00.002-04:00

Time is an optical Illusion... or Delusion Einstein said so

Atheistic or Spiritual? Religious or Spiritual? Time is an optical Illusion... or Delusion Einstein said so.. science uses those equations as gospel. Scientists have been looking at the data and to date, very few of them want to say what's staring everyone right in the face.

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Do man and woman understand love the same way?

2009-03-13T00:48:00.006-04:00

What passes for love in our society is a shared hallucination

, divorce is when that hallucination recedes (IMHO).

Men perceive love one way, Women another

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Do men and women understand love in the same way, this is a questioned oft posed by the perplexed and disillusioned. Love itself is a state of being, a spiritual condition, a chemical brew. It is a priceless treasure in its power to instill peace, confidence and self esteem, a spiritual fortification to last a lifetime.

It is used as an invaluable commodity because of limited supply to ratios of demand, and the clouds of confusion, pain, battling and suffering in its name. It becomes perversely a weapon, a tool of power used to exploit its devotees and seekers in exchange for devotion or submission.

Men and women both require fidelity, understanding and support. If there exists a disparity in the balance of need, {for example one otherwise independent person is overly dependent upon the other} this leads to an arrogant sense of boastfulness, thus destroying the spirit of love and nurturing in its stead, habitual dependency humans are creatures of habit and loathe to change partners following the investment of much emotion, time and attention.

Some having undergone the adverse travails of love avoid it as one would any implement that had caused injury to ones emotion. Hence the slow but sure demise and death of love in the heart and world. The political stratagems in dominance in a relationship and the overpriced expectations of the other far exceed any sense in grabbing a few moments of ‘’love’’ for what can become a nightmarish inextricable tryst where one bleeds the other.

The unfortunate oft occurring practice is the one bitten twice shy idiom, whereby ones cold and brutal attitude towards love or any purveyors of the same tend to coerce a situation where ones pessimisms is in danger of becoming a self executed prophecy. Man passes through many relationships, and gains understanding and maturity. The objective is to be a master, creator and inspirer of love, that you be able to alight its flame where so your heart desires than be fixated or broken by one who may not be ready for love or has diminished need and understanding …

***Love is a fragile spun thread, broken and shattered as quickly as it is woven and threaded into ones heart. Breathes life into the soul, filling the senses with the fragrant perfume of many summers. It requires but one sharp rebuke to demolish loves temple. Thus it is said love if for the courageous, brave hearted and great souled, for its fires light and warmth bring immortality to the earthbound mortal. Cupids are few and greater lurk the demons of love, preying upon Loves Angels until love is extinguished in envious ire. Thus love itself seeks a sanctum wherein to dwell and flourish, radiate its glorious light, and be freed from the ravages of sinful usurpers... Love that itself spends life spurned and repudiated for its refusal to descend where the hateful dwell. Love itself seeks a refuge in the devout and steadfast heart, how then can mortals condemn Love who themselves have turned for more enticing things of ill deceit, or for newer pastures and more ardent ways…

Love should begin upon passing through all ones trials and tribulations rather than be spurned as one may feel dejected by its cold and harsh administrations. Love is better gained when one least requires it, and none are more beautiful than the spiritually content self absorbed souls. To live is to love and to love is truly living, loved be

=====

This is one example of how exagerated some people's perception of what Love is and what it *should be*.

====
below are some of the comments to this yahoo answers post:

Sometimes that some 'may' understand love the same way naturally. Although mostly still just really doesn't..I think men and women have distinctive characters of their own and even in both genders. It may also reflect on how they view love based upon their own concept and beliefs or up bringing (influences). Then how they manifest it into their lives..As well as to express it accordingly respectively of one's individuality.
However, I may think of men as that of by masculine in nature are more usually passively with their expressions and how they may understand nor respond to love comparable to women who are the femnine in nature. A relationship builder and a nurturer, as love could be expressed and understood from these natural capacities much better.
No matter how may differences arise. Goals are achieved in love by the balancing of our good qualities & even flawed natures as human creatures. Between a man and a woman..Between a masculine and feminine energy. Love is also manifested in mutual correspondences that link eachother to harmonize, Then it blossoms into the same path of understanding. From there we become one..in love's fullest fulfillment.
My inspiration are all the wiser people above me..& most of all 'love'.

=====

think both understand what love is but have different expectations and also express love differently in certain ways. I think a lot of women aren't afraid to show their true love feelings, whereas some men seem to think it a weakness to show too much love. Thats not to say that there are the odd few men out there that aren't afraid to show their heartfelt feelings all the time, i just think it is maybe a bit easier for a woman to show emotions, especially love, more often...

=====

Drug Rehab Really Does Work If It Is Done Right

2009-03-03T19:42:00.001-05:00

What Good is Drug Rehab?

With all the media coverage about celebrities "returning" for more drug rehab, some of them for the third or fourth time, many people are getting the idea that rehab doesn't really work. Some people are beginning to think that public funding for drug rehab programs is a waste of tax dollars. The fact is, lifelong recovery from alcohol and drug addiction is almost a certainty when drug rehab is done right.

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The public's lack of trust in drug rehab programs is leading to some dangerously bad ideas, such as putting people addicted to alcohol or drugs on some other drug, or worse, legalizing drugs. These are not solutions, they are problems masquerading as solutions. The call for legalization of drugs is the most compelling evidence that drug rehab is basically a hit-or-miss failure in many, if not most, settings. This is total surrender, a complete capitulation to the power of drugs. It says, "Okay, drugs. You win. Come on in and rule our lives because there's nothing we can do about you."

Putting heroin addicts on methadone is another testament to the failure of most approaches to rehab. Methadone "replacement therapy" is entrenched across the country and around the world. Addicts remain addicted to a "legal" drug instead of an illegal one. The idea of getting free of drugs has simply been abandoned. The thought process that leads to this non-solution is, "Drug rehab probably won't work, and it's going to be too much trouble to try to save this person anyway. At least they won't share contaminated needles and they might get some of their life back. Of course, they're addicted to this drug now, but what else can we do about it?"

Another example of "replacement therapy" is putting drug addicts, and especially alcoholics, on addiction-blocking drugs such as naltrexone. This drug prevents the brain's receptors from responding to opiate drugs and alcohol, and actually works for a while to reduce the craving for the substance. Sounds good, right? The problem is, naltrexone blocks all pleasure responses. Life just turns gray and isn't really worth living. And worse, it can increase the possibility of an opiate overdose, which can be fatal.

In any of these kinds of situations, we are simply trading one drug (and often a new addiction) for another. This makes the pharmaceutical companies happy, but it does not achieve any kind of rehabilitation for the addicted persons. So why are we not putting unfortunate drug-dependent people through drug rehab programs? The answer is clear - many programs have abysmal success rates. They don't have all the elements in place that can make drug rehab successful.

The drug rehab program you choose should empower you, so that you accomplish life long freedom from drug use. It should take you through detox and withdrawal and ensure that you repair the damage drugs have done to your life. It puts you back in control and functioning in society again - enjoying good family relationships, holding down a job and living a successful drug-free life.

All drug rehab programs are not created equal. There are drug rehab centers that successfully address all the issues. If you or someone you care about needs help with alcohol or drug addiction, contact a drug rehab program counselor who knows what works and can help you find a successful drug rehab program.

Rod MacTaggart is a freelance writer who contributes articles on health.

info@drugrehabreferral.com

http://www.drugrehabreferral.com

Expecting a special dispensation

2008-12-28T03:38:00.006-05:00

What are "bad boundaries"?

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A More useful description would be "less than functional boundaries". Healthy boundaries aren't a 'cut n dry' proposition. And they aren't all or nothing deals either.

A person can have functional boundaries in many areas of their lives, maybe even MOST areas of their lives... but when it comes to a certain area...they let people walk all over them.

OR, they are balanced individuals most of the time, but when a particular situation comes up, they become tyrants or cry babies or vindictive.. all three behaviors are direct results of boundary issues being out of balance.

A healthy boundary isn't a wall.

If you had a "less than functional" boundary where you kept letting people hurt you, you continually fell for members of the opposite sex that you knew were going to cheat on you .

(and don't give me that "I didn't know" crap... on a subconscious level you knew... that's why you picked em... but that is a blog post unto itself)

Or you were 'inept' socially, where you kept getting yourself into a situation where people would humiliate you, you feared opening your mouth in public because you just couldn't keep yourself from saying something inappropriate.

and you decided that it hurt

and the only thing you could do to protect yourself is withdraw (to a safe distance)

that's a wall.. it's NOT a boundary

Victim behavior is the natural progression of less than functional boundaries.

If you can't protect yourself, if you keep stepping in a hole because you don't see it.. and you do this all the time.. and from your perspective it looks like LIFE is DOING THIS TO YOU.

(it's not, you're actually doing to yourself, but you can't see that from the seat you've taken in lifes arena)

What are you going to do?

Expect a special dispensation

You expect 'extra consideration' because life took a sh** on you.

You poor baby... the fates have conspired against you.

You're the best worst that ever lived

You've been dealt a crappy hand, and therefore you should be allowed a 'extra' turn, standard penalties don't apply to you... ever one else gets 5 points on thier licence and they loose it.

but because you've been dealt a crappy hand (your an orphan, or a sex abuse survivor or what ever... you child died (I know this one, my son died at age 5 months so don't even go there with me on this one!)

and you somehow feel you're entitled.. entitled to an extra "Pass Go and collect $200"

It's late and I've got to get up in a few hours.. I do feel better now that I posted to this blog though

Merry Christmas (I forgot to post on Christmas day, sorry my bad)

Upsetting the status quo

2008-10-08T16:49:00.007-04:00

Upsetting the status quo, your family of origin's reaction
to your new boundaries.

Or no good deed goes unpunished

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an Article by David Bruce Jr

Now that you have your new found functional boundaries,
what is some bad news you now have to deal with?

You will have to decide, with determination, that you've
done this for YOUR benefit.

You have to make this effort with the underlying goal of
valuing yourself!

Virtually no one in your current circle of friends,
acquaintances, or especially your family of origin is going
to support you in this noble endeavor!

Why?

Because you have changed the rules!

In your family of origin, and more than likely, your
current family (if you have one), everyone has operated on
the status quo, they've learned that 'getting their needs
met' depends on everyone staying in the dysfunctional
pattern.

In family systems theory, the clinical term for this
situation is homeostasis.

What is going on is that, in spite of the fact that,
rationally, operating with functional boundaries is better
for all concerned- everyone has, dysfunctionally, adapted to
everyone else agreeing to being where they currently are in
the pecking order.

Your explaining, in rational terms, is likely to have
little effect on anyone involved.

I'm sorry to have to break this to you, but this is the way it is.

Regardless of how you feel about this Christian metaphor,
you're going to be in the same boat as Job from the old
testament.

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)
for no reason!

Not for selfish personal gain, which is exactly what is
going on if you're attempting to do this to save a
relationship, you're going to have to set your boundaries
because you value yourself!

How can I test my new boundaries with my children?

Go get a fantastic set of books called S.T.E.P.

Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

If you find that you cannot do what is suggested, you still need work.

You will also find that children do not really know why,
intellectually, they do some of the things they do. It
can be counter productive for you to teach with
intellectual explanations,

What you're going to have to do is to teach by example.

This is tough, double tough, but is rewarding beyond your
wildest dreams, if you remain true to your self.

What is a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?

2008-10-08T16:20:00.008-04:00

Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes with healthy family functioning.

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Most families have some periods of time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances (death in the family, a parent's serious illness, etc.). Healthy families tend to return to normal functioning after the crisis passes.

In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met. Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in their children's lives.

How Do Healthy Families Work?

Healthy families are not perfect; they may have yelling, bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger - but not all the time.

In healthy families emotional expression is allowed and accepted.

Family members can freely ask for and give attention.

Rules tend to be made explicit and remain consistent, but with some flexibility to adapt to individual needs and particular situations.

Healthy families allow for individuality; each member is encouraged to pursue his or her own interests, and boundaries between individuals are honored.

Children are consistently treated with respect, and do not fear emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse.

Parents can be counted on to provide care for their children. Children are given responsibilities appropriate to their age and are not expected to take on parental responsibilities.

Finally, in healthy families everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are allowed. Perfection is unattainable, unrealistic, and potentially dull and sterile.

There are many types of dysfunction in families. Some parents under-function, leaving their children to fend for themselves. Other parents over-function, never allowing their children to grow up and be on their own. Others are inconsistent or violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior. Below is a brief description of some types of parental dysfunction along with some common problems associated with each.

WHAT GOES WRONG IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES?

Deficient Parents

Deficient parents hurt their children more by omission than by commission. Frequently, chronic mental illness or a disabling physical illness contributes to parental inadequacy. Children tend to take on adult responsibilities from a young age in these families. Parental emotional needs tend to take precedence, and children are often asked to be their parents' caretakers. Children are robbed of their own childhood, and they learn to ignore their own needs and feelings. Because these children are simply unable to play an adult role and take care of their parents, they often feel inadequate and guilty. These feelings continue into adulthood.

Controlling Parents

Unlike the deficient parents described above, controlling parents fail to allow their children to assume responsibilities appropriate for their age. These parents continue dominating and making decisions for their children well beyond the age at which this is necessary. Controlling parents are often driven by a fear of becoming unnecessary to their children. This fear leaves them feeling betrayed and abandoned when their children become independent (Forward, 1989). On the other hand, these children frequently feel resentful, inadequate, and powerless. Transitions into adult roles are quite difficult, as these adults frequently have difficulties making decisions independent from their parents. When they act independently these adults feel very guilty, as if growing up were a serious act of disloyalty.

Alcoholic Parents

Alcoholic families tend to be chaotic and unpredictable. Rules that apply one day don't apply the next. Promises are neither kept nor remembered. Expectations vary from one day to the next. Parents may be strict at times and indifferent at others. In addition, emotional expression is frequently forbidden and discussion about the alcohol use or related family problems is usually nonexistent. Family members are usually expected to keep problems a secret, thus preventing anyone from seeking help. All of these factors leave children feeling insecure, frustrated, and angry.

Children often feel there must be something wrong with them which makes their parents behave this way. Mistrust of others, difficulty with emotional expression, and difficulties with intimate relationships carry over into adulthood. Children of alcoholics are at much higher risk for developing alcoholism than are children of non-alcoholics.

==================

This help yourself originally written and developed in 1993 by Sheryl A. Benton, Ph.D., University Counseling Services; updated/modified for the internet in 1997 by Dorinda J. Lambert,
Ph.D..

http://www.ksu.edu/counseling/csweb/topics/relationships/dysfunc.html

Family Systems Theory

2008-09-27T15:49:00.007-04:00

Whatis Family Systems Theory?

The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.

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The family system

According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements.

Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways.

Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.

==============================================

Healing Shame the Shame That Binds You, on DVD

John Bradshaw offers his perspective on ways multi-generational shame is transmitted in family systems and is the root cause of addictive and compulsive behaviors. John describes how family-of-origin rules and attitudes become encoded in each family member and how shame in engendered through abandonment and rejection. This type of dysfunctional family system can lead to generations of dysfunctional families, abusers and addicts
contaminating each new family in its wake.

Without this intervention, shame will continue to fuel the fire of addictions. John offers therapy and treatment methods to heal and stop the insanity of the past, and concrete ways to re-script, enhance and enrich lives.

Fix this damn post later... running out of time...

Characteristics of Codependency

2008-09-07T22:32:00.001-04:00

Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

...My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you

...My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you

...Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain

...My mental attention is focused on you

...My mental attention is focused on protecting you

...My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way

...My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems

...My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain

...My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests

...Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

...I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

...I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume

...The dreams I have for my future are linked to you

...My fear of rejection determines what I say or do

...My fear of your anger determines what I say or do

...I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship

...My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you

...I put my values aside in order to connect with you

...I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own

...The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of your

s

There is a newsgroup frequented by those interested in the subject of codependency: alt.recovery.codependency

Reprinted with permission from Recovery & Sobriety Resources

By Terry M., Webservant

I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did

2008-09-07T22:15:00.003-04:00

Excerpts from John Bradshaw's "Right Brain Healing - The Jesus Nature"

"I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did, the call is to Do What YOU Do. To be fully self actualized, like he (Jesus) was."

"This shocks pious minds"

"I started teaching this (when I got back to Houston from the seminary) and lo and behold I almost got run out of town"

".. No. I do believe in providence, it's just that too often I see people going to providence without realizing that we are created in the image of God. And to be creative is how we are most like Jesus"

Bradshaw repeats a quote about codependent self deprecation:

"For worms to harbor such thoughts, not for beings made in the image of God!"

Bradshaw on the topic of N.L.P and prayer:

"What I tell people in counseling is that if they have religious background, I tell them to use this... Frequently I ask people to 'go to a resource that they have within themselves', and they say they don't have one (that they trust), I tell em to get God the Father and include that in a reframing, include that in a collapse anchor. This is a resource that they can go to. And this is very powerful stuff."

Jesus said:

"Greater things that I did you'll do"

From Right Brain Healing- the Jesus Nature, an audio presentation by John Bradshaw

More on what N.L.P or Neuro Linguistic Programming is: http://holisticonline.com/hol_neurolinguistic.htm

What's wrong with Reason & Rationality?

2008-08-29T16:28:00.001-04:00

Reason and Rationality are severely limited.

Your ego percieves receives and broadcasts on a level or plane that is analogous to AM radio.

Your intuitive mind perceives, receives and broadcasts on FM radio.

Your ego is good at what it does… but it digitizes everything it perceives.

It also is terrified of NOW, it is genetically incapable of understanding the present moment as it really is… it can not ‘feel’ the differences between the ‘fullness’ and ‘richness’ of FM, after all AM plays identical tunes- Your ego protests:

all the notes, all the melodies, all the lyrics are there… what static? (Am radio)

Your ego has no FM; it does not perceive reality on that level, only an antiseptic digitized reality.

In this post I will lay out the basic premises of this site:

We have an ego, but for most of us, our ego has us.

Our ego is, for all practical purposes (an N.L.P. premise btw), the voice we hear in the back of our head.

We are, in reality (a term which is VERY relative), much more than an ego… or ego is virtually incapable of understanding this fact, and will have much resistance to this concept.

Our ego can be said to be a function of our left brain, our intuitive brain can be said to be a function of our right brain (this is a gross over simplification but our ego is very limited in it’s ability to grasp abstract concepts)

Ego is great, it's great to have one...

2008-08-25T12:34:00.000-04:00

the denigration of the ego… and why at least the temporary subjugation of the ego would be a good idea.

hmm, it seems in my vigor to explain our ego construct’s (and it is a construct, of our own creation) limitations…

I forgot to express that busting our ego from Sargent back to private was supposed to be temporary.

my bad…

Our ego IS useful, without it, I feel we’d be like the character Dustin Hoffman played in Rain Man. OK, so Raymond was an autistic savant, sue me… you get the picture.

John Bradshaw, who shaped most of my theology/psychology says that “in order to give up the ego, we’ve gotta have a healthy one, first!”

Our ego (construct) is not broken

It got us here didn’t it?
It kept a roof over our head, kept us from losing our jobs, we still have (most of us) have all our fingers and toes???

Our Ego is without a doubt, probably the most useful tool at our disposal.

If you ask it, however, it wants to think it’s the ONLY tool at our disposal… as a matter of fact, our ego also thinks it IS us (and right now it’s wondering who the hell you think you are implying that some other part of you might be present, let alone in charge???)

It’s simply not the best tool to have at the wheel full time, if the only tool in your tool box is a hammer, all of your problems tend to look like nails.

Our ego is HALF of our management.
It just doesn’t know it.

Does your car have a stick shift?

A car’s clutch pedal is not deficient because it fails to be a gas pedal.

A gas pedal is not deficient because it fails to be a clutch pedal.

With the tool of Neuro Linguistic Programming ( NLP) we can take our minds out of gear, long enough to fiddle with the clutch and learn to work our logical, analytical left brain in harmony with our non linear, intuitive right brain… without slipping the clutch!

Psychological Reversal, boring title, important concept

2008-08-25T12:31:00.001-04:00

Simply put: Psychological Reversal is where you want X, and your insides want Y.

of course this is an oversimplification but that’s it in a nut shell.

Now here’s the kicker: the part of you that wants Y, he’s a LOT bigger than you are.

Now this is gonna sound like the movie, “Cybil”, like we have multiple personalities… but it’s
generally accepted that we have a subconscious, and that we have both analytical, logical left brains and intuitive, non rational right brains.

This is like a piece of machinery’s governor, some trucks have governors that prevent them from accelerating past 63 mph.

Most of us are totally unaware of this internal Governor, Tony Robbins called it an internal thermostat.

In his model, when we get in need of something, when we want something, when a situation comes up that’s unacceptable to us, the thermostat kicks in… we have energy available to heat things up…
what’s not obvious is that it also works in reverse!

Once you exceed your internal self image’s limit…

The thermostat kicks in again… and cools things down.
we F*** up, screw up, are late for an important appointment, all of a sudden anything and everything that could cause us to lose focus, is mysteriously more important…
fancy that

In my http://web.archive.org/web/20060822145836/http://victimbehavior.blogspot.com/ blog I spoke of boundaries, that once you fix your boundaries you fix everything…
that’s true

sort of

What happened with me, is that once I achieved a critical mass of healthier choices, once my boundaries were so functional that I no longer had to devote massive quantities of energy to combat dysfunctional urges…
once it became effortless and automatic…

I f***ed up.

Unconsciously, on purpose

and embarrassingly so.

ACOA characteristics

2008-08-25T12:23:00.003-04:00

Adult Children of Alcoholics and Victim Behavior
Thanks go out to Cheryl Major for permission to use this info

The following is a list of common characteristics of Adult Children. These characteristics were developed by Dr Janet G. Woititz. You may not feel that each one applies to you, but I found that most of them fit my personality or lifestyle in some way, especially the first one.

Adult Children (to themselves) seem like they're *More Crazy*... the drunk can blame it on the bottle, an ACOA is doing alchoholic stuff (addictive behavior/ self destructive behavior) and they don't even drink?

it's confusing...

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Adult Children

...guess at what normal is

...have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth

...have difficulty having fun

...have difficulty with intimate relationships

...overreact to changes over which they have no control

...constantly seek approval and affirmation

...feel that they are different from other people

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible

...judge themselves without mercy

...take themselves very seriously

...tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious thought to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

Of course this is not the final and inclusive list of characteristics, but it gives you a good idea where some of your so called 'personality flaws' or problems in relationships may be coming from.

Dr Janet G. Woititz

Some estimates say that 90% of the people who practice victim behavior will NEVER accept that the 'circumstances they find themselves in' have anything to do with their life's choices ...this site is dedicated to the remaining 10% who have the COURAGE to change paradigms.

Boundaries 4 Codependents

Boundaries or lack thereof in the Movies - Henry's Crime

Psychologicial Reversal - Part Of You Wants Something And You Want Something Else

Status Quo, your family will not want you to get better

Being Valuable

Boundaries Are Containers For Self Esteem

Signs Of Unhealthy Boundaries

Victim Based Behavior Woven Into Fabric of Your Being

Sugar and it's Destructive Effect

Sugar isn't as sweet as it seems.

Human Touch and it's Healing Effects

Excercize and Right Brain Activity

Einstien as the codependent rebel?

Emotional Eating for codependents

How to Overcome Emotional Eating

Addiction Substitution

Them's Fightin Words, or Shooting words?

A man who shot and wounded a fellow Internet chatter outside a Westchester Best Buy was sentenced to 30 years.

It's not possible to get upset over what others say about you if you have functional boundaries!

BY DAVID OVALLE

DOVALLE@MIAMIHERALD.COM

Subjective Reality: Time is an illusion- 20 things you didn't know

Do man and woman understand love the same way?

What passes for *love* in our society is a shared hallucination

Drug Rehab Really Does Work If It Is Done Right

What Good is Drug Rehab?

Expecting a special dispensation

What are "bad boundaries"?

Upsetting the status quo

Or no good deed goes unpunished

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)for no reason!

What is a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?

Family Systems Theory

Whatis Family Systems Theory?

The family system

Characteristics of Codependency

I do not believe the call is to "Do What Jesus Did

What's wrong with Reason & Rationality?

Ego is great, it's great to have one...

Psychological Reversal, boring title, important concept

ACOA characteristics

What passes for love in our society is a shared hallucination

You're going to have to learn to love God (and yourself)
for no reason!