I LOVE IT WHEN A PLAN COMES TOGETHER

A Special Day, For A Special Friend

2008-10-01T22:41:00.010-04:00

I would like to introduce you all to a very special friend of mine. His name is Drew, and today is his birthday! This is a milestone for my friend as he suffers from a rare and terminal disease knowns as Bobblitus. Bobblitus begins at birth, and effects human development. The cranial cavity develops at a rapid pace, while the rest of the body develops at a normal rate. Here is an artist rendition (Bobblitus). People who suffer from this disease have a life expectancy of 8 to 9 years of age. This is due to the bodies physical inability to support the weight of their own head. This makes Drew's birthday especially wonderful, as he will be turning 27 years old. He's defied all of the odds with a warrior's spirit. Not only has lived 19 years longer than expected, he's an accomplished muscian. Drew plays the drums in several punk bands (Bad Idea, and Formerly Lights Out ). He maintains a full-time job at a courier service. Drew is able to drive an automobile, and lives on his own. Drew bravely stares death in the face every day, then lights up a cigarrette, takes a puff, downs a beer, and exhales! A true warrior's spirit.
When the Make-A-Wish foundation learned of his story, they had to take action. Through a brief interview with Drew's friends and family the Make-A-Wish foundation has learned that he's a die-hard Philadelphia sports fan. He is especially enamoured with Sav Rocca of the Philadelphia Eagles. When Sav was informed about this Rocca superfan, and his story he was more than obliged to spend some time with the little fella. Drew was invited to take a tour of Lincoln Financial Field, and was to meet Sav in the locker room. Here is there story:

(Sav enters the locker room, and looks up from his Fosters to see Drew)

Sav: Crickey, your head... I mean. G'day mate!

(Sav reaches out to shake hands)

Drew: Wow!!!! Sav Rocca.

Sav: That's quite handshake you got there, for having such small arms.

(Drew is still star-struck and says nothing for another moment)

Drew: Can you say "Let's throw anotha shrimp on the barbie" for me? Just one time.

Sav: No! Don't be such a bloodie banana bender. So, you little ankle biter, you want to sink some piss with me? I've got an esky full of these.

(Sav hands him a huge can of Fosters)

Drew: Thanks Sav. I wanted to ask you something. (Cracks open the beer, and takes a sip) Is it lonely being a punter?

Sav: Lonely? No way! I'll tell you who's lonely, it's those Dongers at tight end. Nothing but a bunch of bludgers. Besides, I've got my own fans. The Roccaholics!

Drew: Who the hell are the "Roccaholics?"

(Sav finishes his Fosters and crushes the can on his head)

Sav: The Roccaholics were the girls who used to known as "Burrell's Girls", and since then have become strung out on crystal meth. They wait for me behind the stadium after every game. They're some real bastards!

(Drew takes another sip of his beer)

Drew: That's so cool that you have your own fanbase of cracked out whores. When my bands get major label records deals, I'm going to have an entourage jsut like yours Sav! I read that you used to play Autralian Rules Football, and that it can be pretty rough. Was it much easier being a rookie in the NFL, than in the AFL?

Sav: Footy is a real Bonzer. (Kills another beer, and throws it on the pile in Brent Celeks locker) Donger! Oh yeah, my rookie year in the NFL was a piece of piss. Most of these guys couldn't play footy. That DeSean Jackson is a real dipstick. If that cane toad had a game in footy like he did on Sunday, we would have stripped him naked, chundered all over him, and left him to die in the GAFA! Bloody Oath!

Drew: (mumbles to himself) footy? Gaffa? Piece of piss?

Sav: Are you going to have a naughty with that beer, or are you going to drink it?

Drew: Sav, what are you talking about? All that I took away from the past 5 goddamn minutes was DeSean Jackson, and naked. I should have brushed up on my Aussie vernacular. Anyways, Let's talk about the Eagles. A lot of us were really disappointed in the loss to the Bears last week. If you had 4 downs to score from the goal line, what plays would call?

(Sav finishes off 2 more beers, and adds them to the pile)

(Brent Celek walks in)

Celek: You stupid Aussie son of a bitch! I told you to stop throwing your beer cans into my locker. It's makes everything smell like that piss beer you drink. Knock it off!

Sav: Listen you bloody dole bludger, I'll consider stopping once you start making key blocks when needed, but until then take your earbashing somewhere else. Drongo.... I'm sorry, where were we? (Thinks for a moment) Oh yeah, first I'd call off->gr_U Far Right Z Left - 65 Lead. That way when that donger Celek whiffs on his block the Tony Hunt, or Reggie Brown could make the block. If that didn't get us in, then I would call Off -> gr_U I Right 14 Y. On third down, I would go to the air with Off->gp_Solo Pair Left - 3 Jet Hot Sweep Pass Lft Y Hot. If that didn't score, I guess that I would call Off->gp_left Wing Motion Tank - 18 Sweep HB Pass!

(Drew drops his beer, and stares astonishingly at Sav)

Sav: Oy' You must be a tight end. Judging from the fact that you dropped your beer, and wasted it. (Sav grabs two more from the esky, and hands one to Drew).

Drew: I have no idea what you just said, but I think that it was football. (Cracks open his Fosters and takes a few sips) Would please say, "Let's throw another shrimp on the barbie?"

(Sav ignores Drew)

Celek: Great play calling Rocca! Don't you have a pizza shop to run? Jesus, who eats Australian Pizza anyways?

Sav: Listen you mappa tassie, I'm getting rotten. So it would be in your best interest to SHUT THE HELL UP! (Grabs a beer from the Esky, and chugs it down in one breath) Come on Drew let's got out to the field and have smoko. (Crushes the can, and heaves it at Celeks head).

Celek: YOU MUTHAF

(locker room door slams shut behind them. They make their way to the field to have a smoke)

Sav: Let's have a durry, and then we'll hit the turps.

Drew: English Sav, English. I'm curious about Australia. I read somewhere that Australia was setup as a penal colony by the British. Is everyone there a criminal? (Takes a few sips of his beer and then opens a new one)

(Sav turns bright red in the face. He chugs done another beer)

Drew: What's the matter? Did a dingo eat your baby or something?

Sav: How dare you Drew? You must be a tight end, because you got me spewin'! Look at you? Leaving half-finished coldies everywhere, your head could hold an entire case on its own!

(Drew puts down his half finished beer, and opens a new one)

Sav: YOU JUST DID IT AGAIN! STOP WASTING COLDIES YOU ASSHOLE!

Drew: So, are you going to say "Let's throw another shrimp on the barbie" or not? I'm dying, I don't have a lot of time left on this planet. Jim Carey says it, and he's Australian, So Does Russell Crowe! (Drew takes a sip of his beer, puts it down, and opens a new one)

Sav: Jesus Christ! (Finishes two beers at once) I'm going inside to kick the shit out of that banana bender donger Celek, and then I'm going to chunder in his locker!

(Sav leaves Drew out on the field)

Drew: Where are those Roccaholics? I bet that they will say "Let's throw another shrimp on the barbie."

Happy Birthday Buddy

I'm sorry. That is incorrect.

2008-10-01T11:51:00.007-04:00

Please read these posts in the form of a question:

5 athletes to become his murderous henchmen. What is [Tirico Suave]?

Chronicles Monday night as a Steelers fan. What is [OFTOT]?

Streaming Mini Ponies from NYC. What is [PSAMP]?

Provides public service anouncements for the woman of Pittsburgh. What is [Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes]?

Press conference with Count Al Davis. What is [Kissing Suzy Kolber]?

Needs a more marketable logo. What is [My Sports Rumors]?

Phils take on the Brew Crew in Game 1 of the NLDS.

Go Phillies!!!

A Special Philadelphia Edition of Jeopardy

2008-09-30T16:07:00.010-04:00

Silky Johnson: Welcome everyone to this very special Philadelphia edition of Jeopardy. I'm your host "The Immortal Silky Johson," filling in for Alex Trebek this evening. Let's meet our contestants?

First up we have Lexington Kentucky native David Akers. It's said that David is no longer able to make a field goal over 40 yards. So Tells us a little something about yourself Dave?

Akers: Actually I prefer to be called David, and I uhh.... I'm a 3-time Pro Bowl kicker for the Eagles. This will be my 10th season in the NFL. That's completely unfounded. I'm currently 1/2 from beyond 40 yards, and if you say anything about it again, I'll give you nuts a first hand glimpse of making a 53 yard field goal!

Silky Johnson: Ouch Green Akers, I'm sure you are money from 40 yards. Let's introduce our next contestant. He's in his 6th season out of Rutgers University. Please welcome L.J. Smith. L.J. I hear that you received the franchise tag last year. Are you planning on making more plays in the passing game?

L.J: Yeah son, I'm getting ready to revolutionize the the Tight End game. I'm a blow up this year. Joe Banner better start making room under the cap for my contract! Jason Witten can't even hold my jock strap, but he can rub lower back. It's been really sore.

Silky Johnson: That's great L.J. Keep living the dream. Until then, we'd like some touchdowns. Now, I would like to introduce our third contestant. He hails from Maryland, and is in his 7th season with the Philadelphia Eagles. Please welcome Brian Westbrook. Brian, how's your ankle doing?

B-West: Yeah, I have been rehabbing my butt off, but I can't put weight on my ankle right now. You'll have to ask Coach if I'll be ready for the Redskins.

Silky Johnson: Oh, I will ask Coach Reid. I'm sure that he'll give me the 411 on your status. Well, Dave, L.J, Brian, are you ready?

David, L.J, Brian: Hell yeah!!!

Silky Johnson: Then let's begin. Remember to place all of your answers in question format. Here are your categories.

(synthesizer sound as the board populates)

Goal Line Offense
DeSean Jackson
Field Goals
Receiving
Tight End
Redskins

Silky Johnson: Let's begin. Green Akers, will you do the honors?

Akers: It's David, you asshat! I'll take Field Goals for 200.

Silky Johnson: Field Goals for 200, In 2003 what Eagles kicker had a field goal percentage of 82.8?

(Complete silence)

Silky Johnson: Brian, you need to press the button on your clicker to answer. Not raise your hand.

(Westbrook presses the button)

Silky Johnson: Yes Brian.

B-West: Who is David Akers?

Silky Johnson: That's correct. Brian, you may choose the topic.

B-West: Yeah, I'll take receiving for 500, Alex.

Silky Johnson: Receiving for 500. In 2007, who led the Eagles with 90 catches?

(silence)

Silky Johnson: Brian, I told you need to press the button.

(B-West presses the buzzer)

B-West: Who is me?

Silky Johnson: Eww, sorry Brian that's incorrect.

(L.J buzzes in)

Silky Johnson: L.J. Smith

L.J: Yeah, Who is Brian Westbrook?

Silky Johnson: That's correct. Please proceed L.J.

L.J: I'll take DeSean Jackson for for 100 Silky.

Silky Johnson: In the 2008 NFL draft, this wide receiver from Cal was one of the Eagles' 2 secon.d round draft picks.

(Akers buzzes in)

Silky Johnson: Greenie.

Akers: Who is DeSean Jackson?

Silky Johnson: That’s correct. You have control of the board.

Akers: It’s David you dick! I’ll take Field Goals for 500.

Silky Johnson: Field Goals for 500 is today’s Picture Daily Double. Green Eggs & Spam, what is your wager?

Akers: Jesus Christ! Sorry Lord. (mumbled prayer). I’ll wager it all.

Silky Johnson: OK, This Steeler was celebrating with the sluts of Dundalk, MD, after hitting a 49 yard field goal for an overtime win against the Ravens.

(Akers buzzes in)

Silky Johnson: Akers

Akers: You are an asshole!

Silky Johnson: That’s incorrect

(Time expires)

Silky Johnson: The correct answer is; who is Jeff Reed? (echoes; Who is Jeff Reed?) Mr. Akers is still in control of the Board.

Akers: I’ll take Field Goals for 400 douchebag.

Silky Johnson: There’s no need for name calling “Hampered Legs.” Field Goals for 400; This Eagles kicker missed two field goals against the Bears in 2008.

(Akers buzzes in)

Akers: (mumbles; I hate you) Who is David Akers?

Silky Johnson: That’s correct. Please, go again.

Akers: Goal Line Offense for 100.

Silky Johnson: He’s the coach that is responsible for running the same play 4 consecutive times at the Bears goal line on Sunday.

(L.J Buzzes in)

L.J: Who is Brad Childress?

Silky Johnson: Maybe, In some alternate universe. The Same universe where you are a threat in the red zone L.J. However, in this universe that is incorrect.

(B-West raises his hand)

(No response)

(Akers buzzes in)

Akers: Who is Coach Andy Reid?

Silky Johnson: That’s correct. Davie boy, it’s your roll.

Akers: That’s it asshole. I’m shoving my foot up your ass, and when I am done the answers; is who is Chris Cooley?

Silky Johnson: That’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for playing!