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OUR CRYSTAL BALLS SAY

1. A Christmas Carol – $40.5M
2. Men Who Stare At Goats – $17M
3. This is It – $14.5M
4. The Fourth Kind – $11M
5. Paranormal Activity – $10M
6. The Box – $9M
7. Law Abiding Citizen – $5M
8. Couples Retreat – $4.5M
9. Where the Wild Things Are – $3M
10. Saw VI – $2M

ANAL-YSIS

It’s never too early to start whoring out Christmas, Jesus having died for our massive corporate profits and all that. And while Robert Zemeckis’ dead-on Dickens adaptation lacks the wise-cracking anthropomorphs that are normally requisite for CG animation success, a) it is in 3D and b) it is riding on the Disney marketing machine, so expect a healthy bow in the low 40 millions.

THE OTHER GUYS

BOX OFFICE MOJO (Derby)

1 A Christmas Carol – $41.8M
2 The Box – $12.2M
3 Michael Jackson’s This Is It – $11.2M
4 The Fourth Kind – $11M
5 Paranormal Activity- $10.2M
6 The Men Who Stare at Goats- $10.1M
7 Law Abiding Citizen – $5M
8 Couples Retreat – $4.1M
9 Where the Wild Things Are – $3.2M
10 Saw VI – $2.4M

LEE’S MOVE INFO

1 A Christmas Carol- $44M
2 The Fourth Kind- $15.3M
3 Men Who Stare at Goats- $14.3M
4 This Is It – $11.6M
5 Paranormal Activity- $10.9M
6 The Box – $8.3M
7 Law Abiding Citizen – $4.2M
8 Couples Retreat – $3.8M
9 Wild Things- $2.9M
10 Saw VI – $2.2M

BOX OFFICE

1 Disney’s A Christmas Carol – $42M
2 Michael Jackson’s This Is It – $15M
3 The Fourth Kind – $13.5M
4 The Men Who Stare at Goats – $13.2M
5 The Box – $8.5M
6 Paranormal Activity – $8.5M
7 Law Abiding Citizen – $5.2M
8 Couples Retreat – $4.3M
9 Where the Wild Things Are – $3.1M
10 Saw VI – $2.3M

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Okay, I know I said Stretch Armstrong was the stupidest movie adaptation ever, then Battleship, then Bazooka Joe, but I think we’ve finally nailed the absolute dumbest of the dumb: Doug Belgrad, president of Columbia (not sure if it’s the movie studio or the record club), will be slitting his wrists in about 18 months over career-ender Risk, the Hasbro war strategy game (that I’m pretty sure no one has played since 1978) which Belgrad apparently believes has some sort of multiplex cross-over potential. Which it obviously doesn’t.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun game… if you’ve been stuck in a bomb shelter since the mid-seventies and you’ve lost all the Hungry Hungry Hippos marbles. But there is absolutely NOTHING to Risk that is unique; no story elements, no characters, not even an overarching concept or theme. It’s fucking WAR. You have plenty of actual HISTORY in the public domain to draw from if that’s what you’re looking for.

But no, Columbia House would rather shill out some undisclosed sum for what essentially amounts to a one-word, monosyllabic title. Which, by the way, should not be confused with 2007’s Risk, or the Risk of 2006, or even the Risk of 2003, or the 2001 British series Risk, or Risk the Swedish documentary from 1999, or 1994’s Risk which co-starred The Mentalist’s Molly Price, and then there’s the 1988 Russian film Risk, which shares its title with 1970’s Risk, which sounds a bit like the Van Damme film Maximum Risk, and James Brolin/Anthony Quinn’s High Risk, but only slightly like the Kurt Voss film Genuine Risk, which starred Terrence Stamp, who’s been known to take a risk with his acting choices. So yeah, this was basically the smartest decision by a studio head ever. Doug Belgrad, I can only assume you’re trying to fail your way into a golden parachute and overhead deal on the lot, so kudos to you for taking feigned incompetence to the next level.

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Holy… shit… was that funny.

Two interesting projects were announced in the trades today. And by interesting I mean the exact opposite of interesting, but hey, I’ve got to write about something to keep the Google traffic coming. Cha-ching, AdSense!

First up we have Matrix producer Barrie Osborne’s proposed $150 million biopic about Islamic prophet Muhammad. No, this won’t be the sexy Salman Rushdie take on the religious icon, but a good ol’ fashioned historical epic intended to “educate people about the true meaning of Islam,” or at least the parts that don’t involve flying 747s into buildings. Osborne will be dipping into one of the many newly-minted film funds coming out of the Middle East, specifically Qatar-based Alnoor Holdings.

Next up we have Marmaduke, the big screen adaptation of the only comic strip less funny than Family Circus. This project has rightfully been lingering in development purgatory for a while, but today’s announcement that suicide-failure Owen Wilson will be voicing the titular Great Dane indicates that we’ll unfortunately be seeing Shanghai Noon director Tom Dey’s CGI/live action monstrosity in the multiplexes sooner rather than never. Well at least they found a capable actor to lend his voice to a character that DOES NOT TALK.

So we’ve got a talking dog, and a guy who thinks he talks to God… I’m I the only one seeing the symmetry? I think the makers of both films are missing a golden opportunity to combine their efforts and make a Turner & Hooch style buddy comedy. The rambunctious mutt and the holy man going on adventures, solving crimes, smiting infidels? Genius. They can hit the four quadrants and the five pillars all in one fell swoop.

Please forward all death-fatwas to boxofficepsychics [at] gmail [dot] com.

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OUR CRYSTAL BALLS SAY

1. This is It – $34
   
2. Paranormal Activity – $20.5M
   
3. Where the Wild Things Are – $7.5M
   
4. Law Abiding Citizen – $7M
   
5. Saw VI – $6.5M
   
6. Couples Retreat – $6.3M
   
7. Astro Boy – $4M
   
8. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – $3.8M
   
9. Cirque du Freak – $3.5M
   
10. The Stepfather – $3.3M

ANAL-YSIS

Halloween, the spookiest time of year, has been known to fill children’s heads with images of horrifying undead ghouls that crawl out from under their beds to perform unspeakable acts upon them. And this Halloween is now exception, as Michael Jackson returns from Child Molester Heaven to send chills down the spines of young boys with his bizarre visage and inappropriate touching. Beware, children! For this beast shall reap a box office fortune as he molests your minds, ears, and genitals with his dulcet crooning and naughty rubbing. You have been warned!

THE OTHER GUYS

Lee’s Movie Info

1. Paranormal Activity – $23.6M
2. This Is It – $20M
3. Wild Things – $7.8M
4. Law Abiding Citizen – $7.3M
5. Couples Retreat $6.8M
6. Saw VI – $6.2M
7. Astro Boy $4.15M
8. Chance of Meatballs $4M
9. Cirque du Freak $3.6M
10. Step Father $3.5M

Box Office

1. This Is It – $38M
2. Paranormal Activity – $16.5M
3. Law Abiding Citizen – $7.7 M
4. Where the Wild Things Are – $7.3M
5. Couples Retreat – $6.5M
6. Saw VI – $6M
7. The Stepfather – $3.7 M
8. Astro Boy – $3.M
9. Cirque du Freak – $3.4M
10. Chance of Meatballs – $3.3M

Box Office Mojo (Derby)

1. Michael Jackson’s This Is It – $38.4M
2. Paranormal Activity – $16.9M
3. Where the Wild Things Are – $7.5 M
4. Law Abiding Citizen – $7.5M
5. Saw VI – $6.5M
6. Couples Retreat – $6.4M
7. Astro Boy – $4.1M
8. Chance of Meatballs – $3.6M
9. Cirque du Freak – $3.3M
10. The Stepfather – $3.3M

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Like most people who don’t live in their parents’ basement, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about James Cameron’s Avatar. I know it’s a bunch of 3D computer-animated nonsense and stars Blue Man Group but beyond that I had no idea what it was about until today because a) I like girls and b) sometimes these girls let me touch their no-no place which means that c) I have no time for such bullshit. Life is too short to devote mental energy to some 800 zillion dollar, two-hour-long videogame cut-scene that you can’t skip through no matter how hard you mash the X button. How many achievement points will I get for sitting through this shit? Zero? Thanks, but no thanks.

But apparently, whatever this film’s about, it wasn’t James Cameron’s idea, but rather that of Nebula-winning sci-fi author Poul Anderson, care of his short story Call Me Joe. Per this website:

Call Me Joe centers on a paraplegic — Ed Anglesey — who telepathically connects with an artificially created life form in order to explore a harsh planet (in this case, Jupiter). Anglesey, like Avatar’s Jake Sully, revels in the freedom and strength of his artificial created body, battles predators on the surface of Jupiter, and gradually goes native as he spends more time connected to his artificial body.

Could be a coincidence, right? Perhaps, except recall that James Cameron’s Terminator was lifted from the works of another award-winning master of speculative fiction, that curmudgeonly lovable rapscallion Harlan Ellison. Ellison swiftly sued Orion Pictures (the studio that made Terminator) and was awarded an undisclosed sum plus an acknowledgement in the film’s end credits. Is Cameron really dumb (or ballsy) enough to make the same “mistake” twice? Who knows, but I do know that researching this article (i.e. reading Wikipedia) led me to this awesome Harlan Ellison quote re the sanctity of his intellectual property:

“If you put your hand in my pocket, you’ll drag back six inches of bloody stump.”

Unfortunately for Poul Anderson, he’s dead, so he can’t really do much about it except come back as a ghost to haunt James Cameron. And even if he did James Cameron would only use the experience as fodder for a film about a family that moves into a house and discovers it was built on an Indian burial ground, and there’s a portal to another dimension hiding in the closet, and by the way it’s haunted by poltergeists. Which is basically the same plot as Titanic.

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