Boywonderesq

Charlie - 6 Weeks

2012-01-26T21:49:00.009-05:00

Charlie is six weeks old, so it's time for another update. Here's what's been going on:

He weighed 9lbs, 5oz at his one month doctor's appointment and measured 21.5 inches long, so he's growing like he should. High five, Nilda.
Nilda has been wonderful and is a natural mother. I think this surprises her more than anyone else.
Sleep has replaced poop as the main issue. He still only sleeps about three hours at a time. They say that he should start sleeping for longer periods of time soon. Any day now... Any day... Still waiting...
For a while there, Nilda and I were bracing ourselves before each night. We didn't know what was going to happen and we were both terrified. Getting ready for bed was like "I Am Legend."
I've adjusted better than I thought I would to the reduced sleep. Nilda, not so much. I heard her saying to Charlie, "Daddy's a trooper. Mommy's not even in the army."
I've gotten used to being awake for two hours every night. Shout out to the dvr and HBO on demand.
4:20 am doesn't mean what it used to.
Charlie likes to fall asleep while eating. This is a lie, since he'll wake up 5 minutes later, starving.
People tell us to keep him awake more during the day so that he'll sleep more at night. You try keeping him awake. Go ahead, I dare you.
We spent one night in Philadelphia and my mom stayed with Charlie all night. I had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep and it was glorious.
I've started to pick up on Charlie's cues. For example, he yawns when he gets tired. He puts his hands in his mouth when he's hungry. I know these things because of my experience as a father. I should write a book.
We like to give Charlie a tour of the apartment and show him where everything is in his home. I pay special attention to how the kitchen faucet works and the difference between the trash and the recycling, since no one seems capable of figuring this out. Our only prayer is to start him early.
He hates when his face is touched. That's how I know he's mine. That, and the farting.
Charlie gets very angry when he wakes up and is not fed immediately. I wonder where this temper comes from. It's so unlike his parents.
Charlie is starting to like the Mamaroo, as you can see in the picture below. It provides literally minutes of entertainment.
He likes to be paid attention to. He gets that from his mother.
Charlie's getting better neck control, too. He can now move his head enough to flop it around so that feeding him is virtually impossible.
Mommy is definitely the favorite. He followed Nilda with his eyes and almost seemed to smile. I think he's starting to recognize me, too, though the look I get is usually, "Oh, it's you. Do you have boobs yet? I didn't think so. Go change the diaper genie and be useful."

Thank you again to everyone for your support and calls! We are truly blessed, and I hope you all realize how significant it is that I use the word blessed.

Love,
Brian & Nilda & Charlie

P.S. - Congratulations to Julie T. and Kenny who welcomed their gorgeous baby girl Hannah! The Lower Moreland High School Class of '94 is procreating at an alarming rate.

Nilda's Uterus - A Retrospective

2012-01-09T21:12:00.027-05:00

I irritated Nilda throughout her pregnancy to take pictures of her changing body, all for this one blog. The plan had been to post this before the baby was born, but that never happened. I figured that I'd have plenty of time to post once we were home with a newborn. God, I'm stupid.

4 Weeks
12 Weeks
21 Weeks
25 Weeks (aka, the Babymoon)
29 Weeks
34 Weeks
36 Weeks
37 Weeks (check out the feet!)39 Weeks
Charlie Eve

I knew we were having a baby, but I didn't expect this. Right after Charlie was born, he and I were taken back to the recovery area to wait for Nilda/mommy. We were alone, just the two of us hanging out, so naturally, I took a picture. After so much waiting, I was still completely unprepared for this:

I now understand why John Lennon wrote Beautiful Boy. I still don't understand why Mr. Holland sang it to his teenage son. That shit's creepy.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-04T23:15:00.001-05:00

All is still great. My mom stayed with us for a few days and it was wonderful having her here. She'd stay up with Charlie and let us sleep and did everything for us around the house. I even got to go to a Phish show with Andrew. Mom, you are the best Mommom ever and are welcome to the aerobed any time you want it. Stella would come over and they would both look at Charlie and be in grandma heaven.

Here's Stella cursing my mother for making her do some stretches that she must have seen on Dr. Oz or something.

These are the supplies my mom brought for three nights. I may pack a lot of socks, but no one packs toiletries like my mother. There was a slight panic the first night my mom was here, when she feared she might have forgotten one of her many toiletry bags. Luckily, it was right where it were supposed to be. Phew!

I have learned that my loud walking comes directly from my mother. I'm dainty like a ballet dancer compared to her. I have also inherited my mother's gene for splashing water all over the bathroom sink when washing my face. I realized I have it good when Mom asked me if I got water all over the floor like she does.

New Year's Eve, as expected, was quiet and great. I kept singing "Mommy Daddy Charlie time" to the tune of Peanut Butter Jelly Time." No one needs to know that. Here are a few more pictures I took. Or as Stella would say, "Here he goes with the god damn camera again."

Here's Charlie playing with his favorite toys. He loves getting his hands in the way of everything, especially eating. He snaps into his fingers like it's a fist full of slim jims.

Since all I ever seem to post are pictures of him sleeping here's one where he's showing off his martial arts skills.

It's Christmas, Charlie Heller!

2011-12-26T21:33:00.010-05:00

Charlie's had his first full week at home and it's been full of firsts. First Hanukkah, first Christmas, first keeping mommy and daddy up all night, you name it. This week has been great, but I go back to work tomorrow. I'm not upset about going back to work, but I'm not happy to be leaving home. Nilda is even unhappier about my not being home. Luckily, my mom is coming for a few days to help with the transition. Now, she too, can enjoy the bliss that is the aerobed. Here are a few updates from this week:

Charlie loves Christmas and Hanukkah equally. We know this because he slept through both of them.
Overall, Charlie is a very good baby, but we've had some rough nights. 11:30 pm - 2:00 am + 4:30 am - 6:30 am = party time. Nilda has asked me to find a way to make him go to sleep on command. I'm still working on it.
I have never appreciated coffee as much in my entire life.
Charlie has a number of different nicknames, so far, since "Charlie" is too formal. The most popular has been "Jack," which coincidentally is his cousin's name.
Charlie has a vicious cycle of eating, being awake for 30 minutes, passing out, pooping, and needing a change, which makes him wake up all over again and by then it's almost time for him to eat again. When I hear a fart, I pray that it's Nilda.
Nilda did a great job preparing for the kid and the apartment is set up perfectly.
Nilda looks great and her bellybutton is even coming back. I, on the other hand, look like I'm about 3 months pregnant. Having a newborn is a great excuse to eat all your favorite foods. Especially pernil on Christmas.
Babies only want to be held. All these toys and swings aren't for the kids, they're to give the parents a rest.
Charlie's umbilical cord stump just fell off. It looks like a gigantic dried booger. Don't act like you don't know what that looks like.
Nilda and I love having Charlie around because now there's someone else to make fun of. We especially like to mimic the way he cries.
Charlie didn't poop for 16 hours and we got concerned. He then spent the next 22 hours making up for lost time. Lesson learned, Charlie.
No matter how much we try to keep his diaper tight and in place, he manages to leak out of it. Poop finds a way.
For the record, I recognize how poop-centric this email is. It's an accurate reflection of what my life has become.

I'll keep posting here, or you can try following Abuelita Stella's blog, at www.whoneedstheinternet.acomputerwillburnthehousedown.com. In the meantime, here are a few pictures of the dreamy days Nilda and I have had since Charlie the Kid was born.

A Very Charlie Hanukkah

2011-12-23T19:44:00.004-05:00

Charlie had his first Hanukkah and he slept through the whole thing. That's the secret about babies. They offer nothing to society. No services of any kind. All they do is sit there and look adorable and make everything better.

As you can see, Charlie was mesmerized by the lights.

As per the arrangement between Charlie's mother and myself, Charlie also gets to celebrate Christmas. Let's see if he wakes up for pernil.

Charlie, Week 1

2011-12-22T22:07:00.002-05:00

Charlie is one week old today and everything is absolutely wonderful. Nilda and I are really enjoying this time. Here's a rundown of how his first week at home has been:

Having a kid is like having a new toy, and Charlie is a pretty fucking good toy. We still can't get over the fact that there's another human being in the house.
His favorite person is Nilda's boob. His favorite color is poop.
The pediatrician has us feeding Charlie every two hours. This means he has to START eating every two hours, so if he starts at 2:00, takes a half hour to eat, another half hour to poop, he gets only one more hour before we have to wake him up to eat again. The nurses in the hospital don't tell you that, they leave it to the pediatrician to deliver the bad news.
We've spent four days inside in pajamas and have lost all track of time.
I'm up at 4:00 am and, for some reason, I don't mind. It gives me and Charlie time to catch up on new episodes of Beavis & Butthead. Charlie thinks its actually a more relevant social commentary than it was in the 90s.
Andrew told me to take pictures and videos of this time because I'll want to remember it. I watched a video I had taken just one hour earlier and felt sentimental about those times.
Charlie already hates the flash.
We went for our first walk outside. Don't get excited, it was just around the block. But still, it was nice. Charlie got to try out his new ride, being pushed by his old ride.
Nothing could have prepared me for the amount of diapers we've gone through, not even people telling me, "You won't believe how many diapers you'll go through."
We've been putting him in the sun for a little bit each day. The Earth's yellow sun gives him his power.
God forbid his diaper change takes too long, he starts to scream like this is the worst thing that's ever happened to anyone. Then I can't get this out of my head.
They don't lie when they say the kid will start peeing like a fountain in the middle of a diaper change.
He's the Houdini of the swaddle. He loves the resistance, but he loves breaking free even more.
We're starting to figure out poops from farts. I used to wonder how parents could tell the difference between sounds. Now I realize it's all about experience.
People say Charlie looks just like me. Andrew says babies always look like the father, so the father doesn't eat the baby.
I'm not making a big deal of this, but Nilda, Brian and Charlie is "NBC." Just saying.
I'm trying not to overshare, so I've set a time limit of three years on blog posts like this. I think I'm being eminently fair.

Needless to say, having a newborn is not conducive to taking pictures that are appropriate for public display:

Charlie At Home

2011-12-19T23:00:00.002-05:00

It's wonderful to finally have Nilda and Charlie home. The hospital sucked because we couldn't get a single room. They only have seven singles in the entire place and Charlie was born during a crazy busy time because, apparently, everyone wants a baby for Christmas. I hated leaving Nilda and Charlie at night, especially to go home, have a beer and sleep uninterrupted in my own bed. It was terrible. Going to the hospital in the morning was great, though. Look at this kid.

Nilda is doing much better and is a fantastic mother. It took me a while to realize she's not pregnant anymore. Here Charlie is with his former ride.

We're still not sure who he looks like. Stella says he looks like me, or sometimes her father, though he definitely has Nilda's lips. He's got my blood type, so I win that one. But without a doubt, he has Nilda's monkey toes.

Charlie is a remarkably good baby, very alert and he doesn't get upset easily. Considering who his parents are, that will definitely change.

He even sat for a glam shot at the mall.

Charlie was part of a sleep study at the hospital on how babies can learn in their sleep. While measuring his brainwaves while sleeping, they played a tone for Charlie and would then blow a puff of air on his cheek. They are testing to see if he can learn to turn his head away just from hearing the tone. The goal is to get a test for learning disabilities as early as possible. Let's just say Charlie did NOT like the puff of air and the test lasted only a few minutes, though he luuuved being all bundled up for the test. I was there the whole time and got a shot of Charlie testing out Cerebro.

Charlie had a lot of visitors in the hospital, including Aunt Irene. Andrew and Harley brought the kids to see Charlie a bunch and it's been great. Andrew said that finally, there's a niece/nephew that won't ever call him "Uncle Brian." "Daddy" is bound to happen, but I can tell him from experience that it's not bad at all.

I drove Nilda and Charlie home from the hospital on day 4, and I swear to god I've never driven as carefully. It was freezing that morning and we bundled him up like he was ready to summit.

After we got home, Mommom, Poppop, Abuela, Aunt Julie Rocks, Aunt Harley, Uncle Andrew/Daddy #2 and his cousins Lilah and Jack came over. Mom and Dad brought a ton of food and we should be good for the week. No one besides Nilda and I can use our touch faucet or tell the difference between the trash and the recycling, but it was great to have everyone together. We watched the Eagles/Jets game, though Charlie didn't watch too much of the game. I tell him that the Eagles still have a chance to make the playoffs, but he's written off the season and is seriously questioning whether Andy Reid should return next season. I asked him who he thought would be a better replacement and he pooped on me. He makes a good point.

Charlie's first night was just fine. We still have the glow of having him home so the lack of sleep isn't a problem, yet. Nilda was doing the "mommy stare" and needed constant reassurance that he was still breathing. He's been eating great and that makes us happy. I never thought I'd be so excited to see so much pee in a diaper.

We had Dawn, our postpartum doula, come this morning and help us get everything settled and that was a big help. She helped Nilda a lot and we even snuck in another couple of hours of sleep. It's sort of like having a ski instructor. You still have to ski, but at least there's someone around who knows what they're doing. Stella's here and she's helpful too, but it's been a looooong time since she's dealt with a baby, and I can say that because she. Things are going great and now we can finally settle in.

The hours are just flying by. Next time I need to get anything done, I'm going to start viewing my life in three hour increments.

Yael wrote that I overshare on facebook. In response, here's a video of Charlie crying. He does this thing where his lower jaw goes up and down at supersonic speeds. I can't move my lower lip anywhere near as fast, but his mother can. That's how we know he's Hispanic.

Charlie Sebastián Heller

2011-12-16T08:34:00.005-05:00

Born December 15, 2011, 11:58 am
8 pounds, 5 ounces
Everyone doing great.

No Closer

2011-12-11T16:53:00.010-05:00

The kid does not appear to be in the holiday spirit. Nilda is due in five days on Saturday, December 17, and Baby C is no closer to being born than he was a few weeks ago. Nilda had an ultrasound last week and the baby was completely healthy: 10 fingers, 10 toes, still a boy. The one thing we didn't count on was his MASSIVE HEAD. He's measuring 62nd percentile generally, but his head is in the 95th percentile, which means his head could actually be above 95%. Nilda was 38 weeks & 3 days, but he was measuring 40 weeks & 3 days. His head, however, was measuring 41 weeks & 1 day. It's possible that his head is too big to drop into the birth and get labor started. He was estimated to weigh 7 pounds 14 ounces, give or take a pound, which means he could weigh close to 9 pounds. The doctor walked in looking at the results of Nilda's growth scan and her jaw dropped.

No details yet, but we're looking at setting an end date by c-section for this pregnancy. The doctor said we could wait to see if Nilda goes into labor naturally, saying, "Women do give birth to babies with heads this size." This is about as reassuring as telling us that a species of rare bird may not go extinct because they can to burrow into the ground to survive a wildfire. It makes no sense to wait for a natural labor that may not come that will most likely end in c-section, anyway.

Now we're both done with waiting and we're ready for this kid to get here. Nilda is especially done. I now know how far the difference between 32 weeks and 39 weeks is. I have done a fabulous job of completing Nilda's list of things for me to do around the house, but it keeps getting longer and the only thing that can save me is for the baby to come already.

I've been getting things ready at work, too, trying to buy some time for upcoming deadlines. Court conference scheduled for next week? My wife and I are expecting our first kid = adjournment. Discovery deadline? I'm going to need a brief extension because I'm about to be a father and if you don't agree you're a terrible person. Yes, we know that it's going to be a boy. We have a name but we're not telling people until after he's born, so no one can criticize it. A surprisingly common response is "Your life is going to change," which basically means that the speaker had no idea what having a kid was going to be like and is still recovering.

We got a picture of the kid at the ultrasound this weekend. Look at these cheeks and know why we now call him Baby Chubs.

I fully expect the kid to read this some day and know now that I say this about you: I love you and you have a ginormous head.

Even Closer

2011-11-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

We're just under two weeks until the kid comes and Nilda is ready. She wants this kid out! Don't tell her I said this, but I'm pretty sure this kid is going to be late. I've trained Nilda that if she texts me to call her, she has to say everything is ok. Anyone who knows Nilda knows that we're in the final preparation stages. It's Jewish superstition not to do anything for the baby until the baby is actually born. Nilda's response is that she's not Jewish.

We washed a whole lot of baby clothes over the holiday weekend. I thought baby laundry would be easier than regular laundry because more fits in each load. But this is a trick because that only means there's a lot more little and annoying things to fold.

We wanted to make sure the car seat fit in the car. And after just 20 minutes of cursing, sweating and blaming Nilda for looking at me wrong, I got the god damn car seat in the god damn car.

There are a ton of baby toys that I somehow know about. Between the themes of rainforest, ocean, barn yard and space, space is obviously the way to go. Check out this valance that I installed.

This remarkable job proves that I am ready for fatherhood. I don't really know what a valance is, but this is impressive work. See, Mom, I am handy. Here's the new shower head I installed.

This was especially impressive since I broke the previous shower head by trying to adjust what, apparently, was not adjustable. I have already warned Nilda that a hand-held shower head means there will be water on the ceiling. These are our present sleeping arrangements, featuring my wonderful aerobed.

People say to me, "Why do you sleep in an aerobed?" The answer is because it's awesome. It is SO much better than sleeping in the bed with Nilda. In the bed, Nilda's either flopping around and huffing and puffing, or is pissed off at me for breathing. And the separate covers I need to use because Nilda's always hot, keep falling off the bed. You'd sleep on the areobed, too.

Lamb Lamb wants to escape.

Getting Close

2011-11-16T21:22:00.002-05:00

Over the past few months, Nilda and I have been taking walks to help relieve pregnancy discomfort. Nilda says this is "exercise," because, yes, that's what Nilda considers "exercise."

We just got back from one such walk and it was a terrible idea. We got about three-quarters around the block and then had to stop because Nilda was having a contraction. It took us about 10 minutes to walk the two blocks back to the house. Nilda was in tears just from knowing that this is a fraction of what it's going to feel like. Nilda has called "bullshit" on her pregnant friends for not telling her how uncomfortable they were.

Contractions are a new phenomena for Nilda. Nilda said she started feeling period cramps (gross) that became much tighter all around her belly and lower back. For the noobs, these contractions aren't the real thing yet.

Nilda's discomfort has permeated every aspect of my life. She can't sleep anymore because either the kid keeps kicking her or he's in a position that cuts off blood circulation. And this kid kicks hard! You can now feel whether that pointed bump sticking out of her stomach is an elbow or a butt. It's really freaky.

Nilda now needs the whole bed. I have officially been kicked out. For a while, I was sleeping with my head where my feet used to go with a separate blanket, but that's not good enough anymore. Nilda needs enough space to build her pillow fort to find a good position. Nilda's excited for the baby to come just so she can get some sleep, because that makes sense. And don't get her started with the blankets. She wants them around for the few moments before she heats up like a furnace and needs to twist them into a spiral vortex twisted around on itself.

Nilda also says that she needs the whole bed because she gets concerned that her moving around will disturb me. That means that her courtesy to me has lead to me leaving the bed. That one is more complicated than Palsgraff. But, lucky me, Nilda bought an AeroBed just for me. I get to sleep in it all by myself and I don't have to share it with Andrew. Nilda's the best.

Meanwhile, tomorrow is the 17th (Lilah's birthday!!) and we're one month away from the due date, though I don't think Nilda's going to make it that far. We finally got everything we need for the kid and that's got me freaked out. All we can do now is comfortably relax and wait for the kid to arrive, enjoying as much peaceful relaxation as we can get before he shows up. Right, Nilda?

"No more walking, Brian. No mas."

Happy Birthday, Carrito

2011-11-09T20:07:00.010-05:00

Nilda went to the doctor on Monday and all is well. The baby's in the right position, his heartbeat is strong and Nilda's looking good. We reminisce about what her belly button used to look like. Nilda is now 34.5 weeks and starting to feel uncomfortable, which makes sense given that she has a human head on her cervix. The doctor told Nilda to pack her bag. Shit just got real.

The purpose of this post, however, is to celebrate the one year anniversary of the newest addition to our family, the car. You have given us the gift of trips to Target, Stew Leonards and now Buy Buy Baby. We can go to the movies without having to endure a 30 minute subway ride. We can go to the new shopping center at Ridge Hill, which has a movie theater (a nice, new one), a Whole Foods (I can finally get a growler of beer) and (gasp!) a Cheesecake Factory. It's like we're living in the suburbs but we can still tell people we live in Manhattan, which is technically true.

You've taken us to Vermont, Montreal, Woodbury Commons, trips up the Hudson Valley, restaurants in Westchester and, someday, those wineries out on North Fork. You take us to Philadelphia as we want, without having to take the subway to NJ Transit to a car. I've even learned how to parallel park. I see it on the street and can't help but say "el carrito!" and wave hello, which only makes me wonder how I allowed Nilda to get that in my head. Happy birthday, car. Pretty soon we'll be installing a car seat for your brother.

On another note, Mary's blog, Growing Our Nest, is as good as any blog can be right now. She and Matt are in China right now adopting their daughter and blogging about it every day. We're wishing the best for you guys and so glad you're sharing your story. I'd say that you're in my prayers, but come on, who are we kidding. Gracie is absolutely adorable. Can't wait to meet her!
P.S. - You've probably seen this already, but check out Asshole Baby.

Responding To The Fans

2011-11-03T20:23:00.003-04:00

As you can expect, I receive a myriad of letters on a daily basis from the many, many followers of this blog. I recently received one such piece of fan mail from our friend Yael at the infinitely better than my blog theyaelchronicles.wordpress.com, who unceremoniously abandoned us to move to London with her husband, or something. As an honor, I have decided to respond to her email on the site. She even used a bullet format, and bullets make like easier since you don't have to worry about transitions or paragraphs or ending sentences or

So I just caught up on your blog and have the following comments:

Thanks for being a loyal, daily reader. It's good to hear that my constant posts are appreciated.

* you were right to get the bathtub because although the flexibath is awesome (I had one before the US ever got them, SUCKAS), it is only for a baby once they can sit on their own. so if you still need an infant tub that doesn't fold, you still need the bathtub that was your genius idea

Nilda says that we still could have gotten the stand up shower, because once the kid is old enough to not need the tub, he can take showers. But what's the fun in that? You can't float toys around or stick foam letters on the walls. And I am very much looking forward to getting the kid wash-off paint because I remember getting that for my birthday one year and it was amazing!! Granted, I was only like 15, but I can still remember how fun that was. And yes, it's very exciting that England had collapsible baby tubs before the US did. You'd think England would have had a heads up on toothbrushes, but that didn't work out. Although they do have much better chocolates, so maybe that makes more sense.

* c-sections should be avoided but not necessarily because the recovery time is longer. I rebounded very quickly from both, in fact I only stayed one night in the hospital on my second.

This was very interesting and reassuring to hear and I'm glad you recovered. Yup, that's all I have to say about that. Next!

Here are my friends though with vaginal births who had horrible recovery times:
o the one who broke her pelvis during labor
o the one who had a third degree tear and stitches to match
o the one who wouldn't stop bleeding and was in the hospital for over a week
o the one whose baby surprised the midwife by coming out feet first and well, i won't discuss the rest
o the ones who, years later, still don't have the same feeling during sex (sorry)

Okay, not really sure where this is going and not sure how I'm feeling about it. I'm especially confused about whether I want to hear more about the "still don't have the same feeling during sex" friend. But the feet first story sounds interesting.

* Nilda did a great job on baby's room. It is adorable. But the window made me laugh outloud. NYC! Baby looks at an air conditioner. NYC!

Thank you, I love the baby's room. Though I still think the Eagles carpet was the right way to go. Blue and green match, right?

* You're still hilarious. Bryan agreed the other day when he saw something you wrote on facebook.

I write a lot of horrible things on facebook. I'm going to gather all of my status updates and publish them in a book called, "Status Updates of a Dick."

* You're probably still a d*** though.

Yes, I'm still the lovable guy who loves to meet new people. Being a dick is part of my charm, like with Oscar the Grouch.

* You should submit the cake photo to http://www.cakewrecks.com/ for its archives

This particular site is not on my daily regimen of gossip sites, but Yael was kind enough to share a particularly appropriate excerpt. Yael should write a blog post of websites that I should check out. I'd upload a picture, but I'm a very private person and I'm not sure I want to share such personal information on the internet. I may have to get Congressional approval some day.

Hope work is great.

Thanks, Yael. We still miss you at the office. You will always be the one who told me that its "for all intents and purposes," not "for all intensives purposes."

Nilda's Baby Shower

2011-10-29T12:40:00.001-04:00

Nilda's baby shower was last Saturday and I hear it was great. I wouldn't know because I bailed after about 10 minutes. My job was to park my mom's car after she arrived with my sister and my aunt. I came back to an apartment full of women and had to get out because the estrogen was suffocating me. Here is Nilda with the grandmas. One's "Abuela," the other is "Mom Mom." I'm going to let you guess which one is which.
Here is Nilda with her cousin Kristen and her best friend Aura, both of whom I am told were a big help during the day. Look at how beautiful my wife looks!
They played the baby shower game where the women have to guess how many toilet paper sheets it takes to wrap around Nilda's belly, and whoever gets the closest wins. This means that I'm stuck with this crappy one-ply roll of toilet paper that I will never get rid of.
This is Nilda's cake. It's a Dominican cake, which means there's no "s" on "Congratulations." Con-grad-you-late-shun! On another food-related note, Hispanics make way too much rice. The population of Thailand went hungry for a day because Nilda had a baby shower.
We have wonderful and generous friends and families who got Baby C many wonderful gifts and toys. Here are a few examples. This is the MamaRoo, which is essentially the Ferrari of baby seats, a bouncy-seat and jumper in one. I first saw this in the store and said to Nilda, "Who needs all this?," to which she replied, "We registered for that." Check out my new Ferrari, bitches!
As expected, most of the baby stuff is adorable. Check out this adorable elephant humidifier. You know it's adorable because it says so right on the box.
This giraffe sound machine is so adorable that I want to punch it in the face.
This is a collapsible tub for the baby, which Nilda says proves that we didn't need to get the tub that I wanted, and that we could have installed the standing shower that she wanted. Thanks, Matt and Mary! (Yes, I'm a dick.)
I'm ridiculously excited. I'm also suffering from a drop in testosterone (which is completely normal!) that makes me overly emotional. I look at 12-year-old boys on the subway and wonder what our kid will look like at that age, and hope that he makes it to that age okay. I choke up just thinking about that god damn Google commercial with the dad sending emails to his daughter. Hopefully I'll feel better after I watch Beaches and Terms of Endearment.

P.S. - It's been less than one week and Nilda is 90% done with her thank you cards. Weirdo.

Alex Honnold

2011-10-20T21:17:00.004-04:00

Alex Honnold is a free solo rock climber, which means he climbs vertical walls of rock by himself, without any ropes or climbing gear. That means that if he makes one mistake, he falls to his death. He climbs up huge walls by sticking the tips of his fingers into tiny cracks and twisting them, resting his entire body weight on this little amount of contact with the rock. This motherfucker is crazy.

Here's a video showing his free solo ascent of Half Dome. Half Dome was first climbed in 1957 over five days, an expedition that was a remarkable achievement for its time. About 50 years later, Honnold free soloed that same route in about three hours.

At about 20:00 minutes into the video, you can see him start to freak out while standing on a ledge thousands of feet in the air. He says to a guy holding a camera off to the side, "I'm kind of freaking out here." Then he pulls his shit together and finishes the climb. Idiot. A redeeming factor about him is that he's a total dork.

He also has set records in speed climbing. In 11 hours, he both climbed Half Dome one morning in 2 hours and 9 minutes, and then climbed 3,000-feet up The Nose of El Capitan in only five hours and 49 minutes, a route that normally takes two to four days.

Hey, kid inside of Nilda, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO ROCK CLIMBING!!! EVER!!

The Birthing Class

2011-10-16T18:35:00.007-04:00

On Saturday, Nilda and I went to a birthing class at the hospital, with 11 other couples. Here's what I learned:

This shit gonna hurt.
Nilda is going to be a pain in the ass and I, as the father, have to deal with her.
If you put ice in your hand for 30 seconds, it hurts. But if you concentrate on your breathing and focus your eyes on one point, the pain becomes slightly more tolerable. This is the point of Lamaze.
I do not want Nilda to have a c-section. It is major surgery that can exponentially increase your recovery time, right when you have a newborn at home. About 75% of the class was about ways to avoid a c-section.
When you actually go into labor, stay at home for as long as you can. Once you get to the hospital, an imaginary clock starts ticking by when you have to get a c-section.
There was a section on how to talk to doctors and nurses without sounding rude. For example, ask general questions instead of saying what you don't want. It was very comforting to be told how we have to be delicate with the hospital staff, because they're sensitive and will retaliate.
Some couples will come up with a birth plan, setting forth their desires for the birth. The doctors and nurses at the hospital will ignore you, so don't even bother.
You are not allowed to see the doctor perform the circumcision. This wasn't such a big deal to me, but one father there really wanted to see his son get circumcised.
Labor is the contraction of the muscles in the uterus and abdomen. It is caused by a hormone called oxytocin, the synthetic version of which is called pitocin. Pitocin is a bad word.
There are more c-sections on the east coast than the west coast, which is related to the fact that the east coast relies on pitocin more than the west coast.
I thought that monitoring the baby before the birth sounded like a good idea, but this means strapping sensors to the mother that prevent her from getting out of bed, which may slow down the labor and lead to pitocin and, if the pregnancy still does not progress, a c-section. Once again, stay at home for as long as possible so that the hospital can't fuck you up.
Wait for as long as you can before you get an epidural. If you get an epidural too soon, you will be sitting for too long and your labor may slow down, so you are more likely to get a c-section. If you wait too long to get an epidural and you're ready to push, it will be too late and you're fucked.
One nice mother called an epidural an "epidermal." I'm sure it was an accident. It had to be an accident, right?
If you are reading or seeing anything about labor, you are going to see female nipples. Not movie sex scene nipples, but massive, saucer size nipples.
10:00 am to 6:00 pm on a Saturday is a loooong day. I don't have to read any more books about labor, right?
We have one more Saturday of classes in both newborn care and breastfeeding. This time, I say we do NOT take mushrooms beforehand.

We've come a long way and I am now anxious about the labor. As difficult as I know it will be with a newborn, I just want to have the kid home and know that he and Nilda are both ok. Just to see how far we've come, check out Nilda at 4 weeks and now, at 31 weeks:

Porn For Mommies

2011-10-13T22:09:00.000-04:00

All mothers take pride and enjoyment in setting up a baby's room. It's a combination of design and functionality, requirement research and forethought. It's the female equivalent of packing the suitcases and bags into the trunk. Here's the perfect little boy room that Nilda has put together so far:

I tried to prevent Nilda from putting flowers everywhere, but since I've failed at that in my own life, I don't see how Nilda's son is going to escape flowers, either. Notice how the lamp and rug are Penn State's colors. And Nilda has advised me that the little ottoman from Target is, in fact, staying, which apparently was a matter of much debate. For the record, the chair rail was my idea. It's not something I'm proud of. Later on, I'll post pictures of furniture and crib, but this is all I can take for tonight.

Speaking of little boys, this is a video a guy shot of his son watching Empire Strikes Back and learning that Darth Vader is Luke's dad. Look at the disbelief and shock this kid goes through.

P.S. - Someone please get this out of my head.

The Hospital Tour

2011-09-26T22:11:00.001-04:00

Tonight, Nilda and I went to a meet and greet with the practice Nilda's doctor is part of, followed by a tour of the birthing floor and postpartum rooms at the hospital. The hospital is Columbia at 168th Street, nosy. They do this meet and greet about every six weeks, which seemed pretty often to me. I was thinking that there would be 3 or 4 couples and that we'd have a quick chat in the lobby followed by a short tour. But we get there to see a ton of people and chairs set up for a presentation and a spread of cheese and crackers and OH MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY PREGNANT PEOPLE!!! At least you know the cheese is safe for pregnant women.

There were maybe 45-50 couples there, easily 100 people. I had no idea that there were this many pregnant women in New York, and this was just one practice at one hospital. I'm sitting there thinking, "Wow, these humans can really reproduce quickly!" And these women were pregnant, like, really pregnant. I was concerned that some of them would pop and there would be baby all over the walls, and we'd be picking baby out of our hair for days.

One of the doctors says that the 7 doctors in the practice do about 2-3 deliveries every day, and that the hospital as a whole does 10-15 deliveries a day. I haven't put my fact-checkers on this, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that's a lot of babies.

P.S. - Note to the universe - let's not have many deliveries around December 17, so that Nilda and I can get our own room. Just putting that out there.

Serena Morgan

2011-09-22T21:23:00.022-04:00

On Sunday at about 4:28 pm, my sister gave birth to her third daughter and my sixth niece. Introducing Serena Morgan:
Nilda and I rushed in to Philly to meet her. Rushing to the hospital to see the baby reminded me of when Francesca was born, except instead of everyone expecting us to rush in, we heard, "You don't have to come in, it's a big trip." Serena, welcome to being the third born, just like Andrew and I. I'm sure you will have an empty baby book and your oldest sister will complain about how easy you have it, just like your mother still does with me.

The first person I congratulated when I got to the hospital was my mother. I think her goal in life is to populate the planet with as many grandchildren as possible. 2011 is looking to be a productive year for her.
That morning, Caryn had been complaining about not feeling well, but refused to call the doctor. She would say, "I'm just having a moment," which turned out to be contractions. When she finally was got to the hospital at around noon, she was already 4 cm. She gave birth just 4.5 hours later, all natural. I know her labor was difficult, but god damn she makes it look easy.
Francesca, who is 8, was holding Serena and said, "I'm doing great." She is. Serena, you are lucky to have Francesca for a big sister, just like I was lucky to have Caryn (and Julie!) for a big sister.
Lacey, who is 5, had a different reaction. She kept saying, "She's gonna eat BOOBY!!" When I told her that Serena wasn't really eating booby and that milk was in the booby, her eyes got all wide and she said, "Really??"
Between Forrest's two girls, he now has five girls. FIVE GIRLS!!! He said, "I'm done. I don't know about Caryn, but I'm done."
With some of the other girls, Caryn had worked hard to get them to stop sucking their thumbs. Serena, therefore, was born already sucking her thumb (see the top picture). The nurses actually said, "We've never seen a newborn suck her thumb like that before!" Good luck, Caryn.

Serena already knows I'm better than Uncle Andrew. She's so smart!
I wound up watching the first quarter of the Sunday night Eagles/Falcons game in the hospital with Caryn & Forrest, then I watched the second half with my dad on his giant tv. A pretty great day.

Babymoon

2011-09-15T20:26:00.022-04:00

Vampire Diaries starts again tonight, which means it's time for me to blog. We went on our one last trip before the baby comes and it was great. Here are the highlights I feel like writing about:

Having Nilda wake up at 3:30 am to make a 6:35 flight was a FANTASTIC idea! She was excited and enthusiastic to be getting an early start.
We took a small plane to meet our non-stop flight in Philly. Philly is really pretty from the air. God damn, I'm excited about Michael Vick this year.
The purpose of the trip was to relax, nothing more. I love days where your biggest decisions are ocean or pool; which chair to pick; what to drink and where to eat.
Whoever decided to call a rum and coke a Cuba Libra was a genius.
The ocean water was fantastic and warm. But I swear to God, between the sun and drinking, I think I peed in the ocean enough to raise the global temperatures at least 2 degrees.
MVP of the trip = my new prescription sunglasses.
It's much easier having Nilda be able to speak in Spanish to everyone who works there. The price is that, inevitably, the conversation always comes around to my ability to speak Spanish. Nilda proudly says that I'm able to understand, which I don't have the heart to tell her is a lie. Yes-o, I under-o stand-o.
"Estoy tomando para tres" = I'm drinking for three.
There is a sisterhood among pregnant women. Among pregnant men, not so much.
The resort had a pair of guys that went around singing at dinner, one playing guitar and the other rocking the maracas, and I mean rocking the maracas. But in the end they were a disappointment, since they couldn't play my request for "It's Raining Men."
Nilda was cryng real tears on the way to the airport. Not because the trip was over, but because after the babymoon comes the baby. I was starting to plan our next trip only to remember that we would not be going on another trip like this for a long long time. But, I cannot wait for the trip to Disney.

We're getting ready for the kid. As part of some kind of study that Nilda's in, she had a 3D ultrasound last week, where she saw the kid moving all over the place. He flopped around and pushed when he didn't like the position Nilda was in. She was utterly amazed and exclaimed, "There's a baby boy in there!" Like there had been an armadillo there before. It made it real that there's a boy in there and he's going to be out here before we know it, pooping like a champ. It's really exciting.

P.S. - Nilda acts like her bellybutton is the baby's peephole, moving her stomach around so the baby can see things.

Away Message

2011-08-29T20:55:00.009-04:00

The kid is 24 weeks and kicking his mother like crazy. He flops around a lot until he gets comfortable, then rests for a few minutes before flopping around some more. I have no idea where he gets this. I've been reading the baby books Nilda has been making me read (no, I DO want to read them, Nilda!), and they say that, in utero, babies will stretch when they wake up for a nap. How fucking cute is that. Also, I'm going to start playing music for the kid because they also say that the kid, later on in life, will like whatever music he hears when he's in the womb. No, Nilda, that's not Phish.

Nilda and I are leaving tomorrow for vacation. I'd call it a "babymoon" or "babycation," but those seem like really annoying phrases. So does "dadechelor party," but I want one of those so I'll keep my criticisms of the name to myself. We're going to a resort in Cap Cana and here's a live webcam so you can see what I'm doing while you're stuck at work. I'll be the one at the pool bar. Our flight leaves at 6:45 am on Wednesday morning and getting Nilda to leave the house at 4:00 am is not going to be pretty.

When we come back, things are going to go pretty fast. My sister's kid (she doesn't want to find out, but it's going to be a girl) will be born in September around Rosh Hashanah, then we have Nilda's shower, work stuff, Thanksgiving and then it's December 17 already. I spoke to a client today who has a one-month old. I asked him how the sleep is going. He said ok, but he didn't envy me, since I'll have to go to work and think every day. I don't envy me, either.

Now I'm going to make you watch two videos. This is Mister Rogers defending PBS' funding in a senate hearing in 1969. He stresses that, unlike cartoons, his show tries to deal with the drama that a child faces, like dealing with brothers and sisters and feeling angry. He talks about trying to give children a sense of control over their emotions. He's great and it shows that there was more going on than just him changing shoes.

This article is about Paulie Gee, who opened Paulie Gee's pizzeria which is amazing. We went there on the pizza tour a few weeks ago and I've been too lazy to write about it since. Anyway, the guy was in IT for his entire career until he decided, at age 56, to go into the pizza business. This video is about how he was rejected for a job as a general manager before opening his own place that is now, arguably, one of the best in the city. It wasn't Difara's, but it was a very close second and, in many ways, a much better experience. Or maybe it was just the romance of the four of us guys with our sparkling red wine and sharing 6 pizzas. It was a magical evening, blog title = "Romancing the Pizza Stone."

Happy Birthday, Dad

2011-08-16T20:48:00.008-04:00

We threw my Dad a surprise 70th birthday party this weekend and he was totally surprised. We didn't tell my mom, since she can't keep a secret, but then she found out through a cousin and refused to tell any of us that she knew. Turns out my Mom is only motivated to keep a secret when she's out to prove she can keep a secret. Andrew and I gave a speech of "Stuff Our Dad Says" and since you all know my Dad, a few quotes will be quite meaningful. Here's the tribute to Jeff:

Stuff Our Dad Says:

I get along with the grandkids because we have a common enemy.

I don't have a problem with time. Phyllis does.

Do you know who the largest purchaser of jalapeño peppers is? Morton
Salt (for the hot salt).

Sushi is good when it’s cooked right.

You know what? You know what? You know what? I don’t want to hear it.

I’m Poppop. I don’t say no.

You know what relative humidity is, don’t you?

Who are those M&Ms for?

Some days I wake up grumpy. Some days I let her sleep.

I don’t care if you’re 40, you’re still at the kids table. If you’re an adult, you
don’t get presents.

Best joke ever = a man says to his wife, “I want to have sex with you in the
worst way.” She says back, “You mean standing up in a hammock?”

You’ll be old enough to use the chain saw when I’m dead.

Driving two houses down the block to Caryn and Forrest's. Better set the
GPS.

Wow, I really fell asleep there!

Someone forgot to order the General Tso’s mild. Oooh!! Hot!!

I am enjoying my kid’s inheritance now.

When I get to the nursing home, all I ask for is a room next to Phyllis.

I drive at night. I have my own teeth. I still have hair. I’m a catch!

Things Dad Would Never Say:

This is the best bacon I’ve ever tasted.

Just throw it anywhere in the refrigerator. It doesn’t matter how well it’s all
organized or if anyone can find anything.

Take your time, Phyllis. We can be a little late.

Sure, I’ll have another beer.

I can’t wait to get to the beach.

We don’t need navigation. We can always stop and ask for directions.

Happy birthday, Dad. I'd tell you I love you, but we don't do that. You are a catch!

Totonno's

2011-08-09T22:00:00.003-04:00

I finally dragged Nilda out to the far ends of the Earth (i.e. Coney Island) for pizza. I am the most accomplished husband of all time. We went to Totonno's, which you've never heard of but is wicked famous for pizza. We had to wait 1 hour 15 minutes just to get inside. Then another 45 at the table for the pizza. Going on a Saturday at 4:30 pm was perhaps not the ideal time. Here's Nilda happily waiting outside, not at all saying goddammit how did I let Brian drag me out here all for stupid pizza. You can even see the hipsters waiting in line in front of us. God damn you, hipsters.

The pizza was fantastic. It was thin, like they said it would be, but wasn't as insubstantial as I thought it might be. We had a half cheese, half pepperoni and it was a perfect combo. The sauce was the best part, tasted like actual tomatoes. It was a lot like John's, though John's had more sauce. Nilda says nothing is worth waiting two hours for. Keen observation, Nilda. Now I need to decide where I want to make Nilda go with me next. Patsy's?

Anyway, Nilda owes me because, as part of her nesting, I have agreed to move my large amplifier down in our storage bin. Goodbye, old friend. We'll meet again soon, when The Heller Theory makes it huge. Any day now. Frankly, I think the amp should stay and that Nilda is being unreasonable. What newborn wouldn't want a Fender 200 Bassman in their room? Instead, he's going to have to settle for a Hartke kickback. It's just wrong.

I'm already picking out potential bandmates for this kid. I'm looking at you, kid inside Julie T. They can start a Beatles cover band in high school, though Julie's kid will live in (gulp) New Jersey. Nilda says our kid has a very good chance of being cool. I said, "Nilda, come on. It's MY kid."

Here's Nilda looking ridiculously adorable at 21 weeks, which means we're over half way there. Only 19 weeks to go.

Speaking of ridiculously adorable, donde esta el umbligito?

Best Commercial Ever

2011-08-08T12:10:00.002-04:00

Nothing says brilliant advertising like combining PBR and the Swayze in 1979. This is exactly what Nilda and I like when we go out dancing, except trade dancing for watching Breaking Bad:

Bo Ssam

2011-08-02T20:47:00.009-04:00

I was going to write this last night, but when I got home, the toilet and bathtub had backed up and the base of the toilet had been flooding since three with no end in sight. We had to use a Shamwow that the super gave us to soak up the water and put it into a bucket, which we then had to constantly empty. The flooding didn't stop until 9:30, and then we had to clean up the black rust from pipes that had backed up into our tub and sink. Then the shower head broke off when I tried to move it to clean the tub and I swear to God, Nilda, I did NOT move it hard enough to break it. Oh, and the light bulb went out, too. Really, it was a great night. Nilda says thank god we had watched True Blood on Sunday night. Thank god, Nilda. Lesson = Shamwow is amazing and everybody should own one.

Anyway, the point is that we went to Momofuko Ssam Bar on Sunday night to celebrate Jeremy's birthday. I will always remember the first time I met Jeremy. Jeremy and I had just started law school in the same section and it was the first day of Magnetti's torts class. Magnetti asked what possible tort there could be for a cemetery losing a body and he was all impressed when Jeremy said "trespass to chattel." I remember Jeremy sitting there with this shit eating grin, like he had just been tapped to join an elite group of asshole law students. Then there was tax law in second year when we got the same exact grade, even though I went to class and studied and made an outline and Jeremy stayed in the apartment and never did the assignments and only read Gilbert's right before the exam. Fucking dick. He's been one of my closest friends ever since. Happy birthday, asshole.

There were eight of us on Sunday and we had ordered the Bo Ssam weeks in advance. It's a huge pork shoulder from Niman Ranch that is slow cooked for 36 hours and served whole, with lettuce, rice and sauces to make wraps. It was unbelievable and pulled apart with just tongs. Wrapped in lettuce, with the exact right proportion of rice and sauce, it went down easy and I kept making these little wraps. When you've had all you can, you realize just how giant the thing is. We went through both heads of lettuce and there was still a ton left over. Here's the damage.

Perhaps the best part of the night was that I was able to talk about the Eagles with Jeremy and his brother Greg for most of the night. God damn, they're looking good this year.

P.S. - Here's a website called animalsbeingdicks.com. It's exactly what it sounds like.