BPD Relationship Recovery -- Me Project

Red Flag Perfume

2011-11-12T11:35:00.000-05:00

I was watching NBC's Saturday Night Live recently and saw a faux commercial called "Red Flag." It most definitely typifies the BPD persona -- when you watch it, it's quite funny and puts things in perspective.

As you recover from your relationship with the BPD in your life, be sure to keep laughing, and keep life in perspective. You're alive, you've survived, now you need to thrive. A BPD in your life makes thriving quite difficult, as you need to keep providing them with boundaries that they are going to continually violate.

Enjoy the journey, and keep laughing.

Relationship Recovery Step 7a -- Exercise!

2011-06-21T11:37:00.000-04:00

I need to be sure to put this into the list of steps in recovering from the BPD -- or any -- relationship. You need to exercise when recovering from a relationship. Exercise is an important element -- something that you need to do for yourself -- and will make you feel better about yourself, about your situation, about life.

Why Exercise?
This is the Me Project. You need to focus on yourself when recovering from a relationship. Make time for yourself. Make time for yourself. Make time for yourself.

Clearly, the benefits of exercise are well-documented. Those that exercise live healthier lives, live longer, lives, etc. If you exercise, you also will feel better about yourself. You'll have more self-confidence and better self-esteem.

When I run, I solve the world's problems. The first mile or two is myself adjusting and settling into my breathing patterns, run cadence, and more, but then I put myself into a zone of meditation where I think through what's on my mind and work through my issues. I put myself into a near-meditative state.

I go to wonderful places in my mind. This is the result of the body's endorphin being made -- it gives you a near natural high where you just feel great -- about yourself and the world around you.

You just can't beat exercise:

It's time where you get to focus on yourself
It's time where you are working on your health and well being
It's time where you get to concentrate and think about your world

There are many different types of exercise, from running to swimming to bicycling and weight lifting. There's one that fits your lifestyle and needs. Just start slow, and enjoy the time that you get doing it.

For those of you that are just getting started with exercise, the following books should help you get started. Enjoy!

BPDs and Cheating: Can The BPD Be Faithful?

2011-05-03T16:05:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about the relationship that I was in with the BPD, and the more I think back about things, the more that I realize that she probably cheated on my, and I never knew it. I was ignorant, but when I think about it, the borderline got a sexually transmitted disease when we were together.

She accused me of doing something and giving it to her, but I didn't give it to her as I didn't have (and still don't have) that STD.

However, she was so accusatory about me giving her the disease that I never suspected anything until now, five years later.

It took me five frigging years to figure out that she was cheating on me. Oh well, that's her problem, not mine.

Time for the story.

BPDs and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

We had just moved in together, so I was a little in shell shock, a little still wearing rosy colored glasses, and in the midst of a 3 year divorce process, when the BPD contracts genital herpes. She tells me that I gave it to her, but I've never had it. I've had cold sores in my life, but I've never had genital herpes.

I told her that maybe she has cold sores (Herpes simplex 1) on her genitals, but she didn't buy it. It was a downright onslaught of accusations.

Frankly, the BPD had me so tied up in her accusations throughout the relationship that I was never able to clear myself of, until the very end of the relationship.

The BPD accused me of multiple things, and I was regularly taking STD tests to prove my innocence.

Ironically, during one of these exercises, SHE actually tested positive for HIV. Later this was dis-proven, but man, how the world can change so quickly.

After ending the relationship with the BPD, I once again took a STD test, but this time to be sure that she didn't give me anything funky when we were off-again, on-again.

Given the behavior that I saw from this particular BPD, I would venture to say that BPDs have a tendency to contract more STDs than the rest of the population. They're more sexually active and more reckless than the rest of the population. Further, their lack of boundaries underscores the fact that they will have unprotected sex.

Non's and Self Esteem Issues

Which brings me to my major issue when I look back. I was having major self esteem issues. Probably primarily because of the divorce that I was going through. Most likely I was subconsciously feeling like no one wanted to be with me, and this was how it was manifested. I let someone walk all over me.

When I think back about it, I should have come out at this BPD wondering how they contracted Herpes. I didn't have cold sores at the time and have no recollection of getting any in that time frame. She was the one who was fiercely insecure, not me, and the one who would disappear for a night.

In the end, all worked out. It was painful being with the BPD, but time has proven that I healed and exceeded my initial feelings of self worth.

Life is good -- it's taken time to heal, but things are real good. If you're not there, you can feel this way too. Don't let yourself not enjoy life and learn to love yourself.

I Sometimes Still Dream About The BPD

2011-04-15T16:48:00.000-04:00

It's strange, but you still sometimes dream about the BPD. Real strange.

Last night I dreamed about her. It was strange -- I saw her somewhere. It was so strange that it woke me up in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall back to sleep for some time.

When I saw her and we interacted, I think that it was the way I think she and I would be with one another -- quite guarded. I remember telling her about Jennie, and her making some comment where she's accusing me of treating her horribly, but now, I don't respond. I think I walked away from her, but awaited feeling the blow from her when she hit me.

Looking back as I write this, I guess it's a little PTSD. It was definitely strange.

The bottom line is that it takes years -- years -- to get away from the BPD person and to get them out of your head. Any relationship can damage you, but BPDs put a real hurting on you.

The nice thing is that you can shed the wounds, in time. The Post Traumatic Stress dissipates, and you're left feeling better than ever.

The BPD is left being an incomplete person that has difficulty assimilating into society and succeeding in relationships.

I'd rather have the temporary issues so I can feel better than ever.

Include Comments From BPDs on a Relationship Recovery Site?

2011-03-30T14:05:00.000-04:00

I've thought long and hard about this, and I've gotten many, many comments from BPDs over the years.

I think I've published only one of their comments to date.

I've asked each of you, this blog's loyal readers, what you think about publishing comments from BPD. Some of you have said no way while others have said sure.

After weighing in each of your comments, I've settled that for the most part, this site will not publish BPD comments, unless those comments will benefit the person who is a non and recovering from a current or past relationship with a BPD.

Make sense?

In other words:
- I will not publish comments (or articles) from BPDs where they are just talking about themselves to make themselves feel good. I will, however, publish comments and articles from non's who are hurting and need to feel better.
- I will not publish comments (or articles) from BPDs who are providing comment or insight when it does not positively impact and help the non
- I will publish comments (or articles) from BPDs that help the Non heal and give them insights into the mind and behaviors of a BPD

I recently published a comment from A Rose Covered In Thorns (did I date you?) because it was so insightful, and it benefited the Non community if they read into the mind of a BPD. Excellent comment that was quite helpful.

However, for the most part, I'm not going to publish most BPD comments. They don't help us that are recovering from relationships, so they don't help the core goal of this site.

BPD Relationship Recovery Step 7: Find Spiritual Fulfillment

2011-03-08T11:37:00.000-05:00

You've gotten out (or you are planning to get out) of a relationship with someone who is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or you have gotten out of a relationship in general. You're healing, but you still hurt, Man, sometimes, the pain is pretty great.

Your healing process is okay, as you've found others that are feeling your pain, you've mentally committed to healing, and you're starting to do the work. You're also working on yourself, and you're not going out and drinking excessively, or doing other self-medicating activities.

Still, you need something else. There's something missing.

Spiritual Fulfillment Helps Make You Whole

Most healthy humans walk around this earth looking for some type of purpose and reason. Once our basic needs are met, we need to fulfill our more advanced needs -- Abraham Maslow, in his Heirarchy of Needs, refers to it as Self Actualization.

I'm sorry to say that so many of us are so broken, so painfully broken, that we can never get to a point where we can look outside of our tainted self. We are so sad, so hurt, so traumatized that the world is such a painful place and we are protecting ourselves from this pain.

These recovery steps help you start to clear away the pain that you're feeling. By interacting with others, you begin to trust again - you begin to trust others and yourself.

I'm all over the place here, I know, but back to my point. As you uncover more of yourself and shed the pain that you are feeling-- you're going to want more. Humans need to feel this actualization, which often comes in the form of spiritual fulfillment.

Why does this work?

If we're a part of something bigger, then we have meaning. If we worship a God, then we have meaning. We are no longer the center of the universe. Those that suffer from narcissism think that they are the center of the universe, so they are not part of a bigger universe.

Borderlines are usually quite narcissistic because they have to be the center of the universe in their minds. They cannot get away from their pain, their insecurities, their fears, so they have to be the center of the universe.

Those of us that were in relationships with Borderlines ended up putting the borderline in the center of our universe. Often, we had our family or our job or our friends or activities in the center of our universe. Clearly, all these things change, so our lives are not stabile.

Spirituality helps us stabilize ourselves.

I personally believe that my Lord and Savior is Jesus Christ, the son of God. However, I respect all religion, be it Buddhism, Christianity or any other religion, as long as the religion does not require violence and is based on love and spiritual fulfillment.

The Basics of Religion and Sprituality

There are many books that provide basic information on religion, but organized religion provides a solid foundation for healing. Good churches will actually help you get meaning, then will help you shed your pain, grow through your shortcomings and pains so you can see the world and live a more fulfilled life.

Through a good church, you could:
- Attend support group meetings
- Volunteer for helping the homeless and the needy
- Join a community of supportive, positive people

The list continues, but you see where I'm going here. The right church for you, be it a Christian church, a Buddhist Temple, a Mosque or a Synagogue, will give you a good foundation.

Borderlines and Spirituality

Many people who are suffering from BPD will be ultra-religious. It allows the borderline an outlet for much of their obsessive behavior and attitudes, to the point of unhealthy. There are stories (I haven't confirmed) that BPDs will often join cults and other groups like this.

Spiritual fulfillment grounds you, takes yourself (or your family or other distractions) out of the center of our universe, and keeps us well-rounded and grounded.

Recommended Readings:

3 Years

2010-12-21T15:50:00.000-05:00

So, it's now past 3 years since I last spoke with my ex BPD girlfriend. Three long years. I read back to my first post, Heal, and how I felt back then. I think about my life now, where I am, and how far I've come. It's been a long road, there were tough times along the way, but life is good. Life is real good.

It's been a while since I've blogged -- life has gotten quite hectic. Work has been quite busy, and I've had a lot going on in my personal life. I also had some issues with Blogger -- namely, your comments haven't been coming through (I always make approving your comments a top priority as I want to enable your conversations to continue without me -- I don't need to be involved). Also, I was not able to log in for a couple of weeks/months -- but I was still able to approve comments from my email account, so I continued posting your comments -- for the most part.

Personal Life Update

So, life has changed quite a bit recently. My love of music has continued to blossom and grow as my career thrives in a Consumer Electronics company. In addition, I'm playing guitar regularly with a group of folks that live near me. We played our first gig this past week and made a few hundred dollars -- not bad for a day's work when you're doing what you love to do.

My relationship with Jennie continues to flourish and grow; we haven't made plans for a wedding, but any day now, we'll tie the knot.

My kids are good -- my oldest is now 16 and he acts like a full blown 16-year-old, someone who can't stand the sight of his Dad on some moments and wants to fight everything I'm about one minute, then my best friend the next minute. I cherish those best friend moments. My middle is his normal, consistent self, and my youngest is still Daddy's little girl. She plays the part -- and works her Dad -- real well, now that she's 11 and nearly 12.

BPD Relationship Recovery Takes a Long Time

I never thought that recovering from a crappy two year relationship would take so long, but clearly, the relationship was dysfunctional and it struck me hard. It made me question the way I thought, how I thought, and who I was.

It questioned my very foundation. In the end, I learned that I was a solid person, but it took me some time to recover fully.

I recently received an email which summed it all up:

Dating someone with BPD gives you a false sense of love which blinds all logic. The end of the relationship for me was so shocking that it left me deeply hurt like a recovering alcoholic going cold turkey.

What's Next?

Keep the comments coming -- I'll do my best to publish them as quickly as possible. Look for the remaining 10 steps in the BPD Recovery process, look for more stories from each of you, and more details on the healing process.

The more I walk on this earth, the more I realize how most people carry scars that immobilize them. They can't live full lives because of something that has happened to them.

We all have scars. We need to be able to look at the scars, remember the trauma, but move forward.

Regarding My BPD Relationship

I don't think about my BPD very often anymore. There are times that she haunts me in strange ways -- her sister was in a dream that I had over the weekend -- but no longer does her memory haunt me. I think that I've adopted pretty normal ways of living again and I'm in a high trust relationship -- the type of relationship that I demand so I can live a fulfilled life.

One reader wrote in about their relationship after it had terminated:

I notice that I no longer am the same person I once was.

If you heal correctly, you can become a better person than you ever were. You can grow to become the person that you've always dreamed of being. That person with solid self esteem and a sound foundation.

It's within your reach. Now go get it.

August Vacation - Back to Business

2010-09-03T11:37:00.000-04:00

I've had a whirlwind summer, going all over the place, including the beach of North Carolina and many other exciting places. Time to get back to business.

Where to Go From Here?

This blog continues to grow in its readership, and I continue to get encouraging comments about the blog. Thanks to each of you about this. I've been trying to move the blog over to another platform at www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com so readers can enjoy forums and they can better contribute themselves and enjoy more functionality from a more robust website, but this readership continues to grow, and I don't want to alienate anyone reading here. So, I'm in a bit of a quagmire. Let me know what you think I should do:
- Continue posting here
- Move altogether to www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com
- Try to (weakly) maintaining two blogs with very similar material (but the comments are now beginning to differ)

Allow BPD's Comments?

One other thing that I'm finding is that BPDs are now providing comments on this site. I haven't published any of them as I think that this should be a place for those recovering from a relationship with someone suffering from BPD to find solace.

Soooo, I want to know what you think -- do I accept BPD's comments? This is the Us project.

Let me know your thoughts and feelings.

I'm back from my summer vacation -- as I continue to recover, my topics will get less, so please, if you'd like to be a guest blogger, let me know. Drop a line to mybpdrecovery@gmail.com and let me know. I'd love to get some guest bloggers.

Keep the fight, keep the faith, and keep moving forward.

-- Den

Saw The Borderline Again: Life Goes On

2010-07-27T16:38:00.000-04:00

You know it's going to happen, and it just happened a week ago. My oldest son and I were playing golf together, right by the BPD's house and we saw her. She was playing golf too, with a guy (I'm going to assume that it's her current boyfriend).

You Can Recover from a BPD Relationship

It amazes you, because the longer you're out of a relationship with a BPD, the more you heal. If I had seen her two years ago, it would have been difficult to not get upset about the whole thing. A year ago, it still would have shook me, at least a little bit. Now, I say to my son, "is that her? Wow."

It's clear that my life is so different now. I look back at myself and see how much I've grown, wondering how I was able to put up with someone that had BPD. Clearly, we change and our tolerance changes. Poor Jennie has to deal with a more callous person -- hopefully, I'm still warm enough and loving enough that I fulfill her needs.

As time progresses, the borderline goes from the love of your life, the one that you wanted to spend every waking moment with, to one that you can't believe how much you put into. You almost get embarrassed that you were with this person and can't believe that you spent so much time on anyone, let alone someone that treated you so poorly.

That's what it's like when you get yourself back again. It's a very nice feeling.

Not a Normal Relationship

When I saw the borderline, I commented to my son (who's 15), "you know, if this was a normal relationship and we saw one another, we would have walked up to each other said hello, I would have introduced myself to her new boyfriend and would have told her about Jennie and--"

"It's not a normal, it was totally wacky," my son interrupted.

He's right, the relationship was completely nonsensical, it was not a normal relationship. This is not someone who thinks normally at all. It's a shame, but there can never be a friendship after the relationship has ended. She has made me into the enemy, someone who is evil and did terrible things to her.

Posting on BPD Relationship Recovery

I'm s-l-o-w-l-y moving the site and functionality to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, a site that contains all the functionality here and more. On the site, I'm working on developing forums so readers can have conversations (strangely, people continue to communicate by commenting on this site :-)) and can help one another out.

The Us project is continuing to develop. If you'd like to continue communicating with others that are recovering from BPD, simply go to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, register for the site and start contributing to the forums. You can send one another messages there and there are private forums for you, depending on where you are in your journey on the road to BPD relationship recovery.

BPD No Contact: Important for Recovery

2010-07-14T16:59:00.000-04:00

So, you've gotten out of a relationship with a borderline, yet you're still talking with the person.

How's it going?

Not so good, I bet. If the person is a true borderline, and you're having a true BPD relationship, there is no way that you can continue contact and stay "friends." Borderline relationships just aren't like that. They're too intense, too hot or cold; they really can't be tepid and continue along as a friendship.

Why You Can't Have a Friendship With A Borderline After Breakup

There are many reasons why you can't have a friendship with a borderline after a breakup:

BPDs are black and white thinkers -- Either you're their hero or you're a villain in the mind of a borderline. If you're a villain, BPDs will make you into someone so bad in their mind that they will convince themselves that you've done something wrong to them. They'll make it so bad that smear campaigns will ensue, or they will take out restraining orders against you.
The relationship will never be stable -- Borderlines love drama, and the relationship will have to continue to be unstable for them to want to be in it. My relationship with the BPD had daily fireworks where she would create issues and drama for me to deal with, stabilizing the relationship every day. I had a vested interest in the relationship as she was my partner, my living mate, my lover. Friendships that are this unstable would never survive.
More pain will be involved in the relationship -- BPDs are insanely jealous, spiteful and not people that you want to be around when they are unhappy. Do you think that your newfound BPD ex will be pleased when you announce that you have a new lover? I don't think so. Yet, they'll want to share all gory details of their new relationship. Believe me, the relationship will be uneven, unstable, and unacceptable long term.

I haven't seen my ex BPD girlfriend for nearly three years. We sent messages to one another a couple months out of the relationship, but it quickly flowered into insanity that could not be controlled. Without me physically in her life, her thoughts were so far out there that she was suddenly telling me that she felt like I was threatening her and the like; two months later on Fathers Day, I got a phone call from the police asking me if I was breaking onto her computer and putting my picture on her photo galleries.

No contact is critical for recovery. If you have children, set firm boundaries that the borderline can't break, then don't ever break them yourself. Borderlines make you do things that you would never do. You can't be that person as they will make you pay for those mistakes then play the victim. You will have quite a difficult time rebuilding anyone's trust if you are the one breaking boundaries or the law.

Relationship Recovery Step 4: Start a Me Project

2010-07-11T13:45:00.003-04:00

Are you ready to start a project like the one that I've done here? I'm going to show you how. It's pretty easy -- sign up to become a member on this site, then go ahead and create a blog of your own.

I'm moving The Me Project to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/ -- a fully functional site that has quite a lot of functionality, including the ability for users to post in forums and create their own websites. People can create their own Me Projects.

That's right -- this site allows you to have your own Me Project. You can blog as much or as little as you want, and you can work with others in the community to help you recover. The blog also has private forums where you can anonymously post.

What is a Me Project?

For those of you that are just discovering the BPD Relationship Recovery site or the Me Project, it's a project where you focus on yourself. You start looking at yourself and your own needs. Too often, those of us that get enmeshed in a BPD relationship are in an unhealthy relationship where it becomes all about our partner.

It's time to work on ourselves.

If you're like me, I had difficulty doing this -- I thought that my happiness came from making others happy. I didn't focus on myself enough and my needs. Before starting this journey, I didn't spend enough time looking out for myself, and as such, I was not happy because my needs were never met.

When I started the Me Project, I put my foot down and demanded that I spend time on myself, working on myself, and making me the person that I always wanted.

It's your turn, if you're ready.

Go to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/, register to be a user, start your own website and let the journey begin. It can be as much of a journey as you want. You can make it in to it's own full-fledged life where you express yourself, your feelings and your adventures, or you can just write a little bit when you feel it. The choice is yours.

In the upcoming posts, those that are engaged in the Me Project will get different exercises. Some of these will be exploratory, others will be tried and true exercises in rebuilding yourself.

Stay tuned. The Me Project just took on a whole new dimension. Go to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/ and start taking the next step and head into the new world of BPD Relationship Recovery -- your own Me Project.

Relationship Recovery Step 6: Find Others That Have Been There and Have Felt the Pain

2010-06-24T17:19:00.001-04:00

So, you've started your healing process, you've committed, you've felt the pain, you've built your support group and you've flexed it, but you're still missing quite a lot.

You've just gotten out of a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. This disease is like no other, and unfortunately, unless you've been there, most in your support group just won't get it. In fact, you'll even feel like you can talk to them so much, but there will still be aspects of the relationship where you won't feel comfortable telling. Part of it will be shame.

This is where it's important to have a group of people that have been through a relationship with a borderline and can empathize with you. There's nothing, nothing like mental illness, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder. The borderline seems completely normal to someone that doesn't know the person very well, so trying to explain the illness and get sympathy from others could make you feel -- and possibly be viewed as -- a little nutty.

It's difficult, though. How -- where -- do you find a group of people that have similar problems, similar issues? Especially if you live out in a rural area?

This is when technology -- particularly the Internet -- becomes an invaluable gem.

The Internet Spawns Support Groups

There are many different support groups that can help you get through these issues. The forums change regularly, so I can't attest to which one is best for you.

My personal favorite is Randy Kreger's Welcome to Oz support groups on Yahoo! Groups. They allow the person receive a regular download of those contributing as well as contribute when they are ready. This group, and the people that are on the group, helped get me through the dark days when I was recovering from the relationship. People reached out to me and befriended me when I asked for the help. I'm eternally grateful to this group and the people that helped me get through these days.

BPD Relationship Recovery -- The Next Step

So, I've been thinking about this blog and what to do next with it -- the answer is provide more support for you. So, we're going to create the support in an Internet environment where we can support one another: http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com.

I'm working out the kinks of the site right now, but in this site, you'll (eventually) be able to:
- Create your own persona/personality
- Contribute and start topics
- Start your own "Me Project"
- Contribute to forums

All in one place. Welcome to the next phase of The Us project.

Please, cruise over to http://bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, take a look at the site, create your own ID, get a site and more. I'll be covering more of the "how to's" with this site in the future but the quick highlights include:

- There are forums in the Groups section -- some are confidential (men only) so your posts are completely anonymous, others are public.
- You can create your own "Me Project" blog. So, if you're like me and you want to write, you can create your own blog.
- In the future, I'll actually create ways for you to make money from blogging on http://bpdrelationshiprecovery.com. I'll put advertising on the site that you'll get a share (Note: during all the time that I've had this blog, I've made about $20 -- you're not going to make much, but every bit can help).
- You can contribute to the forums section, posting on different topics
- You can create your own person, avatar, and send messages to everyone in the group.
- There's more. this is just the tip of the iceberg.

So, The Me/Us project is now evolving to its next iteration. Please take the trip with me. Do the following:
- Navigate to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com
- Sign in, and get your own website if you want. Start blogging if it so suits you.
- Go into the groups (sign into the ones that suit you) and start posting topics.

I can't do this all by myself. I need your help. Please help as we move the Me/Us project to the next level.

See you at www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com.

Things I can Do Now That I'm Out of a BPD Relationship

2010-06-16T01:00:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about what my life is like now and how my life is so free now that I'm not in a BPD relationship. My life can be happy as I don't feel shackled or held back by someone else's insecurities.

Jennie is a very trusting woman, and I appreciate and cherish the trust that I have. She lets me be myself and doesn't try to steal any of my magic. I am eternally grateful.

The following list is by no means exhaustive as it only strikes the surface, but here are some of the things that I can do without being questioned, accused of inappropriate things, kicked out, demeaned, belittled, or generally treated poorly:

Spend a whole day not talking or communicating with my partner
Go to they gym
Go for a run
Go out with my friends
Go to see my family
Stop somewhere that's not planned
Take my children places without letting my partner know
Do special things with my children
Talk to other females
Have a friendship with other females
Get another female's phone number (for business or whatever purpose)
Stay late at work
Travel on business
Go into work early
Do things on my own -- whatever it may be
Talk with my partner about another female
Go away with my friends for a guys' weekend out
Go out with my friends for a guys' night out
Receive phone calls, text messages or emails from other females
Have a female coworker that was not put under the microscope
Have an attractive female coworker
Go out to lunch, dinner, breakfast...whatever without being accused of cheating

This is just the beginning. You can see the pattern here.

I'm now free. The Me/Us project continues. In the next post, look for updates and plans for this site as we move it out to a new site altogether where you can blog about your BPD recovery, enter forum posts, or do what you want. Look for more information in the upcoming blog entries.

For now, if you're out of the BPD relationship, appreciate the freedom you have. Do something constructive with it.

Did Darth Vader Suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

2010-06-15T00:06:00.000-04:00

So, I recently saw some type of analysis of Darth Vader, asking the question: Did he suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder?

When thinking about Darth and what made Anakin Skywalker Darth Vader (referring to the scene in Star Wars where he tries to jump over Obi-Wan Kenobi in a move that Obi advised him against doing), I would say that he had more narcissistic tendencies than borderline tendencies.

He thought that he was invincible, and he was shown that he was not invincible. He grew paranoid and hurt his pregnant wife, but he was more confused than borderline.

The more that I think about it, the more I would say that Darth was not a borderline. He was coerced by the Sith Darth Sidius to turn to the dark side.

Darth Vader a borderline? Not by a longshot. Maybe he was a narcissist, but not a borderline.

Look at the battle between Anakin and Obi-Wan and voice your opinion:

Relationship Recovery Step 5: Build Your Support Group, And Flex It

2010-06-14T14:20:00.000-04:00

When you're going through truly difficult times, it's difficult to find a way out.

You just can't do it alone. If you try to do it alone and handle all this heartache alone, you will be literally broken apart. I know from experience.

Bottom line -- you need a support group to recover from most every relationship. Dysfunctional relationships, like those with borderlines, require even more of a support group.

What Is a Support Group?
A support group is just like the name sounds, a group of people who are there to support you as you go through a difficult transition, or just life in general. This group can be comprised of friends, family, co-workers (as long as your working situation allows for this), or a group of people with common interests. For example, those that attend Alcoholics Anonymous are surrounded by other attendees who could all be considered part of their support group.

To have a solid support group, one must be able to trust their support group and believe that the support group truly has their best interest at hand.

For the Non in a relationship with a Borderline, they need a solid support group. Their recovery is critical and the Non needs this. Part of the Non's support group mix should also be a counselor for a number of reasons. First, there is quite a lot of shame around being in a relationship with a borderline. You have accepted so much in the relationship that you have buried, and these things (like being treated so poorly) have to be dealt with in a safe environment.

There were many things that happened with the borderline that I didn't want to initially tell my friends. They would ask me questions like, "why would you let her do that to you?"

There were a lot of things that they would ask me those questions. I wasn't ready. A counselor could help me get through all these issues and questions.

CoDependence

Many Nons that are in a relationship with a borderline find that they have codependent tendencies if they are not all-out codependent. This must also be examined and worked through.

Many Nons also find that joining a support group such as Alanon also helps them get through their codependent issues and makes them responsible for themselves.

We Need People To Talk To

We are human beings that have emotions. Working with a support group that helps you get back to a normal sense of right and wrong is very important when recovering from any relationship, particularly a BPD relationship. This is one part of the puzzle though. Ultimately, you need to decide what's right and wrong for you, which takes more time.

This is an important step. As you go through this process of recovering from a bad relationship, you need to learn from others what is right, what's wrong, and the healthy way to deal with issues that arose in the relationship and in your current life.

Why Do We Rescue?

2010-06-03T04:09:00.000-04:00

Many of us who have gotten into a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder would fall into the role of Rescuer. We rescue people from their misery and make their lives better. They love us because we are so good at rescuing and making them feel better about themselves.

The problem is that after we have rescued, we inherit their misery, their upset, their hatred for themselves, and we are miserable. Or the person burns us out because we give so much to the person that we have nothing at the end for ourselves.

Rescuing Others From Their Misery Feels Good -- At First

When we rescue others, we feel great about ourselves, and the other person feels good as well. They give us love because we make them feel loved, while the rest of the world does not love them, no one loves them.

We look at them, and our hearts go out to them. I felt that way about the borderline. I felt so bad for her that I jumped in to save her and make her feel better.

At that point, I thought that I knew how to keep myself clear of the rescuer role. But I didn't know how to keep myself clear at all. Eventually, the person who has been rescued starts to give you their anxiety, their dysfunction, their whatever, and you have to deal with it. It's really not fun, I promise you.

I recently met with my ex wife to discuss how her actions were negatively impacting our children, in the past, now and in the future. We met at a diner and had quite a difficult conversation. She is drinking too much and has been dating a married man for the past few years.

Despite these indiscretions which are clearly impacting my children, I still felt so bad for her. My heart jumped to feeling her pain. What a shame that after all this time, she still cannot help herself and is now negatively impacting our children. She doesn't even know that her actions negatively impact the children.

We Must Rescue Ourselves First

Rescuing others gives us purpose. It gives us meaning. It makes us feel good and keeps our minds outside of ourselves. We get wonderful initial responses, so we rescue for the response that we get.

The truth is that we first need to rescue ourselves. We first need to determine our own meaning, our own insecurities and deal with them. We can rescue all we want, but until we deal with ourselves, we won't feel whole and complete.

Rescuing starts with the best of intentions, but we're actually masking our insecurities. Before we can help others, we must help ourselves.

Borderline Personality Disordered Coworkers: CYA

2010-06-02T11:57:00.000-04:00

You're in the work force and have a coworker that acts, let's say, different. Great in some ways, not so great in other ways.

This coworker can be your best friend; you've probably spent time bonding with this person and may have developed quite a liking for this person. They may be someone that you consider a friend. They've asked you questions about yourself that make you think that you trust them. They've volunteered parts of their life that have made you think that they're trustworthy.

However, there have been other signs about the person that you can't really explain. They like to tell you gossip about their lives, and about the lives of others. Their home life is in shambles, and they always seem to be talking about someone in the office; they are pretty much always having some type of conflict with someone in the office. There needs to be some type of drama, and they will make the drama into a full-blown scandal if they are able.

Of course, they are always the victim; everyone does all these things to them, while they go about their jobs and do what they are supposed to. They're treated poorly by everyone, misspoken to by everyone, made to feel terrible by everyone.

When they have unloaded on you and they leave the room, you feel absolutely exhausted.

If you feel this way about one of your coworkers, you may be working with someone who is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

BPD Coworkers Can Ruin Your Career

If you work with someone who is a true borderline, you will know it. They will constantly be battling with someone that you work with; hopefully that person is outside your office. You will feel like they literally suck the life out of you when they are unloading their anxiety on you about the office drama, or about their personal lives.

Remember some of borderlines' habits: black and white thinking, splitting, dissociating, high anxiety...the list goes on, but I hope that you're getting the idea here. In the workplace, a person like this can truly ruin your career.

Meet Missey

I worked with Missey while running a small office. She was a good worker, quite diligent and when she put her mind to the task would meet and exceed expectations. She had multiple office duties, some of them repetitive, where she would pick up magazines and distribute them to a number of places every week.

Missey admitted to having family and personal issues where she had gone to outpatient treatment for psychological issues and was heavily medicated for anxiety.

Missey was good at what she did when focused, but at other times, she would miss responsibilities because of other things in her life. Her husband abused her, her daughter had issues, she was fighting with people in the home office...the list went on.

Missey would come into the office in the afternoon after meetings on the road and would unload on myself and the office manager. After she would leave, the two of us would feel compelled to literally take a nap after she would drain us emotionally.

Overall, my relationship with Missey was decent, but it did have drama. Melissa had serious family issues, and she brought some of those issues to work. As her supervisor, there were times that I had to speak to her about these issues. Melissa did not do good for my career though.

Overall, I liked Missey and we worked well together. I created a nurturing environment where she did quite well. She had her issues, particularly her bulimic tendencies. We would go to the bathroom after lunch and find pieces of lettuce floating in the toilet on almost a daily basis.

Looking back, I think that working with Missey primed me for accepting a relationship with a borderline, as I began the relationship with the borderline at the end of my job with Missey. Some of my boundaries had been broken by a borderline coworker.

When I was involved in moving the office and up for a promotion at the company, Missey snapped and spoke poorly about me to the executives at the office. It became such a big issue that I did not get the promotion and ultimately left the company. My replacement and Missey did not get along either, and she eventually left the company and filed discrimination charges against the company because of this boss' behavior and treatment towards her.

Borderline coworkers can ruin your career.

Most borderlines will move from job to job as their attention wanes and waxes. They can be good working at big organizations that have the structure and rules that borderlines need, but smaller companies are too lean and mean for them to hide their disorder. Of course, there are exceptions, as some companies will simply tolerate borderline behaviors for years.

Borderline Volatility Requires Covering Yourself

When you are in a working relationship with a borderline coworker, be sure that you stay civil with the borderline, but do not cross any boundaries. Crossing boundaries will later be used against you by the borderline when times get tough, and they will get tough.

If you are able to keep things on decent, civil terms with the borderline, work will be okay, but be sure to document everything. Cover yourself at every turn, and be sure not to give the borderline ammunition against you.

You can survive a working environment with a borderline coworker. Just be sure to treat the borderline civilly, not do anything inappropriate with or in front of the borderline, document everything and cover yourself. Eventually, time will change the situation, but you can get through it.

The Me Project Evolves

2010-05-29T03:11:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to say that I continue to move forward with the Me Project, but I'm now thinking that, like I've said before, the Me Project has become the Us Project.

Along the lines of the Relationship Recovery Steps, I'm about to cover the next topic, which is Start Your Own Me Project. In this step, I'll begin to cover the ways to do this and will provide you with tools to do this. In the future, look for:
- Forums
- Customizable pages for your own Me Project
- A community where we can all recover from our BPD relationship
- More support in the form of guides, helpful tips and community testimony

The Me Project may be moving to a new website as well that can support these more heavy-duty technologies and tools that will better enable you to deal with Borderline Personality Disorder.

This new site will be much more challenging for you. You'll have to do more than just read posts -- you'll be required to participate in discussions, answer questions, and track your growth as you work through your recovery issues.

You're about to rebuild your life, or continue rebuilding your life. Get ready.

Let me know what you think -- send me a comment or email me. Are you ready? Do you want to do this? This will all start in the next month, so get ready as the Me Project/Us Project evolves into a new way for us to recover.

BPD and Your Career

2010-05-28T15:11:00.000-04:00

So, you want to have a successful career and be with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder?

This may be more of a challenge than you can imagine. I can tell you first-hand.

The BPD Must Be The Primary Focus of Your Life -- Always

You have someone in your life that demands that they be the primary focus of your life. You want to dedicate enough time in your life to your career so you can get ahead and do well.

You have a conflict.

If you don't address the conflict, the BPD will wreak havoc on your career. By nature someone afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder demands that you focus on them. You need to pay them attention at every turn, so if you pay attention to them, they will:

Call you and fight with you while you are working
Accuse you of doing terrible things while working
Accuse you of having affairs with people at work, be them the opposite or the same sex
Bring the turmoil of your relationship to your workplace, any way that they can.

My ex BPD was the worst at this. She did all of the above, including actually kicking me out of the house when I was at work and when I was traveling. She was so insecure, so afraid, so Borderline that she couldn't handle me being at work and focusing on something else.

Looking back, I feel bad for how badly she must have felt to go to such extremes. If you knew me (read the blog and you'll get a feeling for who I am and what I'm about), I am the opposite of what the borderline projected onto me. That's why I was such a perfect fit for her insanity. I refused to accept it, which was the perfect game for the borderline -- and for me.

Lunch Together Still Isn't Enough

The BPD distrusted me so much -- she didn't believe that I was a good person -- so much that I eventually asked her to have lunch with me most every day. She would come pick me up from work and take me to lunch. I usually bought us both lunch, spending nearly $20 a day on our lunch (I don't have that kind of money, but I spent it).

Regardless, she still was suspicious. She still accused me of cheating on her, she still accused me of calling her at 3:00 "just to screw with her," and did a number of other things like this.

Bottom line: You can't have a successful career and have a relationship with someone that has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The Constant BPD Accusations

One time, when she was traveling and I wasn't having lunch with her, her sister said that she saw me in one place, when I wasn't there (this was during lunchtime). The BPD started a huge fight with me when I told her that I wasn't there, accusing me of cheating on her and lying to her about being at a certain place. These were all within 1/2 mile of each other.

She tried to pin me down so much that she demanded that I tell her my whereabouts. I eventually went to the bank and asked them to furnish another copy of my ATM receipt to prove that I was not where her sister said I was. Then, when I gave her the receipt, she told me that the time was wrong.

Still Healing from BPD Abuse

Even though I am years out of this relationship, thinking back about this makes me realize how much this kind of treatment and lack of trust actually did hurt. I still am healing, just like most of us that are here, from this BPD mistreatment. It will take us time to heal, and we will all continue to heal.

Relationship Recovery Step 3: Do The Work

2010-05-25T10:52:00.001-04:00

So you've gotten out of a relationship, and you've felt the pain, and then you've committed to letting yourself heal. No hiding from the pain or the healing that you need to go through.

What's next? Doing the work.

The work. What work?

Aaaaah, this is where the fun really begins.

Pull Yourself Apart

You've felt pain, and you're feeling pain. You now need to make sure that you don't feel pain like you are feeling again.

*This is the only way that we will make change is to feel this pain, then commit to not feeling this way again.*

For some, you were in a bad relationship. The relationship was dysfunctional from the start; you were scarred, but you'll be okay.

For most, you had a pattern of bad relationships. This one was the coup de gras, the icing on the cake, the REALLY bad one, the one that made you decide that change was required.

For my borderline relationship, I had a number of *okay* relationships before that. I was always looking for sparks, and whew, did I find it with the borderline.

Eventually, the sparks get to be too much, as I learned.

Doing the work requires a number of steps, which is self-investigation. These steps will go into future steps as well, but this step requires actually making the commitment to doing the work of healing, getting better, then determining how you will never fall into the trap of a dysfunctional relationship (for the purposes of this blog, a borderline relationship) again.

Why?

Ask yourself the hard questions. You've probably been hurting so badly since the initial breakup that you've been in the blame mode, but it's time to look inside. As the pain subsides, look into your inner core, learn about yourself and who you really are:

What am I really about?
What do I like?
What do I dislike?
How would I rate my life? Is it that bad, or is it good?
What do I want to change?
How can I make these changes?

Then, ask yourself the questions that you want to ask the least:

Why did I get into this relationship with a Borderline?
What needs did the BPD fulfill?
How did the BPD fill my needs? What need did they meet the best?
Is this need reasonable and realistic?
Do I need to adjust my needs and expectations?
What needs did the BPD not meet?
How dysfunctional was the relationship in the end?

Ask yourself the hard questions. Write them down and think about all of your responses.

Get Ready to Meet the New You

The process that you are about to go through will enable you to grow like you have never grown before. You will become the person that you always wanted to become.

This process will take time, it won't be easy. It will hurt, you will take some steps backwards, but in the end, if you Do The Work, you will come out of it a new person that you admire.

One person said that being in a relationship with a BPD and coming out of it is like steel going into the fire. You can be burned by the experience, or you can survive the fire and come out like brandished iron which is nearly impenetrable.

If you Do the Work, your self esteem will go through the ceiling and you will feel better than you ever have, every day.

Welcome to your new life. Get ready for Step 4 -- Start a Me Project.

Relationship Recovery Step 2a: When It Hurts Real Bad, Find Distractions

2010-05-19T23:37:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. I sit here and say, you've got to feel the pain, allow yourself time to heal, and now I'm saying find distractions?

Look, you're human. I'm human. When it hurts real bad, we do whatever we can to distract ourselves from the pain.

That's okay. As long as the distractions are healthy.

Healthy Distractions While You Are Healing

So, what's a healthy distraction? There are many:

Spending time with friends
Seeing a movie
Doing a hobbie
Watching television
Exercising
Playing a musical instrument
Listening to music
Reading a book (not a self-help book or a love story)

You can see where I am going here. The distraction could be almost anything.

Time Heals

So if time heals, your healing from the relationship will take time. It will take time for you to reprogram yourself and learn new ways of living life -- you'll change from the "we" to the "me" in everything you do or say. This can be difficult.

While you're letting time heal you, these healthy distractions will help. Playing golf was one of my favorite things to do while healing from the relationship that I was in. I used to go and play rounds of par three golf as I could play with my kids or by myself, and it was a nice way to spend some time outside.

Watch Out for Unhealthy Distractions

There are unhealthy distractions that postpone the pain and can bring you into a world of even more hurt. These include:

Drinking excessively or taking drugs
Sex with non committed partners
Starting a new relationship too soon
Anything in excess -- exercise, work, etc.

I hope you see where I'm going here. Do everything in moderation so you can keep yourself and your head whole.

Distractions can be good while you're healing from a broken relationship. You can find healthy ones and help yourself on the road to recovery.

Change Your Life Now: The Secret

2010-05-13T14:38:00.000-04:00

The Law of Attraction Changes Lives

I forgot about this but starting talking to a friend about this recently. So, I thought that it's important that you know about this, that you learn about this and that you do this: You need to live the principles outlined in the book The Secret. It's a silly little book which will take you one, maybe two hours to read.

I Knew That

The other thing about The Secret is that when you read it, you'll say, "I knew that." But you didn't do it.

It takes time, but you really can do it.

The Secret covers the power of positive thinking, but really covers The Law of Attraction, the basic law of You Get What You Wish For. Many don't know this, but it's true, whatever you want, whatever you need, you ask for. The problem is that many of us subconsciously ask for things that we don't want. We don't know it, but we're attracting negative energy, attitudes, people and situations every day.

The Secret is a little book, but is a must read for everyone. Once you read it, read it again. Get it here: The Secret

You can take the readings that you find from The Law of Attraction and put them into anything -- from business and family to relationships and how you live your life.

Such a simple concept, but how many actually do it?

Do it today -- you'll be happy that you did.

So, What Does The Secret Have to Do With BPD?

I actually bought this book for the BPD when I was with her. I read it, then got a copy for her. I got her this book and The Power of Positive Thinking -- anything that I could do to change her thinking process so she would see the positive, the good in the world.

It didn't work. When you're disordered, you can't get past your obsessions, your obsessive thoughts and your anxiety. It's sad, but all of these efforts -- those of you that have been following the blog know them -- cannot overcome a personality disorder like Borderline Personality disorder.

Advanced Law of Attraction Studies -- Abraham

I just started reading this, but it seems quite interesting. It's the story of a spirit named Abraham and his teachings about The Law of Attraction.

Now, I'll tell you, this is more advanced Law of Attraction -- like Law of Attraction 200 or 300 if we were in a college course.

It's pretty funky, but it's definitely interesting. It's worth reading, although I have yet to get through it.

You Can Change Your Life

The beautiful part of this is that you can change your life. You have the power. It's an amazing power, so envision the life that you want and deserve. Then go do it.

BPD Stories

2010-05-13T04:25:00.000-04:00

They're dwindling again -- the number of BPD stories that I can tell about my relationship are dwindling. I was only in the relationship for two years, and I've been out of it for two and a half years. I can only tell so many stories about a relationship that was only two years old.

Sadly, I can probably tell less stories about my marriage to my ex wife. We were married for 13 years. That's a whole 'nother story.

You Can Recover From a BPD Relationship

The beautiful part of this is that you really can recover from a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I've proven it in this blog. I have baggage and scars, but no longer is my psyche shattered and frail from the relationship.

The borderline may rock your world for a while and it may *feel* like you'll never be better again, but you can get through it.

If you do it right, you'll be a better person than when you entered the relationship. It's an opportunity to grow. I've proven it.

Where to Go From Here?

Well, I'll keep writing. I've promised you. I get enough material from your emails (drop me a line at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com) and comments to continue this for some time. I'll also continue to provide helpful how to's and other tips.

Keep the ideas coming. This blog continues to be great community. Let's keep it that way.

The Race

2010-05-12T04:12:00.001-04:00

I recently ran a race called the Muddy Marathon -- it was a course that was the worst thing I've ever run over -- miles of mud bogs, rivers and streams, rocks gardens where your ankle twists multiple times, and hills. Actually, mountains. You have to climb up mountains where you scramble up rock faces, following the person in front of you. Then you go down, and it's just as tough as going up.

I've done quite a few races in my day, but nothing like this.

I can't explain to anyone who didn't go through it how bad it was. I can't explain the feeling I had when I was climbing the rock face -- maybe I should just go down. I can't go down, because there is someone behind me.

It's tougher to try to go down than it is to finish climbing up. I'm almost there.

I made some huge tactical errors in the race. My water system (a Camelback) was moldy, so I brought no water. I also didn't bring enough food with me anyway.

Can't Explain How Bad It Was To Others

I can't explain to anyone else how bad the race really was. When I describe it to others, I can see that they can understand that it was bad, but not anywhere near as bad as it really was.

Jennie saw me finish the race. When I finished, she saw the mud that was caked on me, up to my thighs, and she saw how long it took me to get it off. She still doesn't understand how bad it really was.

No one that I told understood what I really went through, how I felt, and how the race made me feel. I bonked halfway through the race because of my lack of food and water. No one felt any of those things.

Sound familiar?

Similar BPD Experiences With Fellow Nons

2010-05-11T16:12:00.000-04:00

It's oh so true. All of us Nons have the quite similar, if not the same, experiences with our (ex) BPD partners. It scares me sometimes how similar it is.

One recent comment included a statement that said, "that sounds like something that my exBPD would say." You don't know how many times I thought that when I read an email, a comment, something sent by one of you. It amazes me.

BPD Jealousy

The worst part about it was that when it first happened and I would get those comments, a tinge of that old BPD jealousy would kick in, and I would actually wonder, "is that her?" The roots of the BPD relationship are deep, and we feel them for months, if not years.

Yes, we have all shared quite similar, if not the same, experiences. It's so bad that I can give you a list of them:

Your BPD partner cheats on you, but eventually tells you
Your BPD partner constantly tells you that they hate you, but then will pull you back in for a number of reasons
Your BPD partner does not trust you at all; at first, it was their fault because of their past, but eventually, it became because of you.

I could go on for hours. It's a shame, but they experiences are so similar...

BPD Habits and Behaviors

These can only be described as BPD habits and behaviors. There are plenty of reasons that I've described throughout the site, but unfortunately for us Nons, we have to live with these behaviors. They are similar, there's nothing that we can do about this.

Bottom line -- maybe the comment that I received was from a BPD partner of someone who visits this site (we do get thousands of hits on this site). Maybe the comments that I get regularly are about my exBPD partner. I don't know.

It really doesn't matter, though. We're in recovery from these people -- contact is the last thing that we want.