Director:   

Starring:          
Ethan Hawke (known for: Gattaca)
Juliet Rylance (known for: Sinister)

What’s it about?

Idiotic true crime writer Ellison Oswalt decides to move himself and his family into a new home, where the previous family was brutally murdered (that’s right, this probably won’t end well!). Upon entering the house attic, Oswalt finds a cache of snuff films that suggest the killer is of the serial kind.

Is it any good?

‘Sinister’ is the kind of movie that lives up to it’s name. It is malevolent, evil, perverse, doomfall, threatning, blackhearted and every other “Sinister” synonym that you can think of. If you view a horror movie called “Sinister” then be prepared for just that, don’t expect anything even slightly happy, if you do then you are an absolute tosser (yes, I’m referring to some comments I’ve read online); just a friendly warning. ‘Sinister’ tries desperately to blend scenes of disturbing shock and supernatural scares, this sounds like the perfect horror cocktail; if only the supernatural element wasn’t so damn predictable. The ghostly dead kids with painted white faces and a mask wearing killer bring nothing new to the table, except for the usual jump-scares. The “snuff” film footage is where it’s at, it is truly terrifying and makes you feel genuinely uneasy, and at times in need of therapy. Ethan Hawke does a great job as the stubborn and a little too curious Ellison Oswalt. Although some of the decisions he makes in the film are completely idiotic, you’ll find yourself throwing random objects at the TV. Overall ‘Sinister’ has some thrills and a nice twist at the end, it won’t surprise hardcore horror fans but folks new to the genre will probably enjoy it.

Best bit?

The snuff film with the lawnmower should be watched with your full attention.

ratings are out of 5

Did you know?

Writer C. Robert Cargill got the idea for the script from a nightmare he had after watching ‘The Ring’.

Thanks to North Korea, Nuclear warfare has been in the news recently. Rather than reading propaganda and watching porn on the internet, Kim Jong Un might find it more beneficial to watch films such as ‘Panic in Year Zero!’ to understand nothing good can come from nuclear weapons. Well, unless you survive the war and you live as vigilante, fighting mutants and strutting around like a king. That would be cool.

Panic in Year Zero! (1962)

Director:   
Ray Milland (known for: Dial M For Murder)

Starring:          
Ray Milland (known for:Dial M For Murder)
Jean Hagen (known for: Singin’ in the Rain)

What’s it about?

A family of four leaves Los Angeles for a camping trip just before a nuclear bomb destroys the city. As lawlessness prevails, the father must fight to keep his family alive.

Director:   

Starring:          
Aubrey Plaza (known for: Safety Not Guaranteed)
Jake Johnson (known for: New Girl)

What’s it about?

Three magazine employees head out on an assignment to interview a guy who placed a classified ad seeking a companion for time travel.

Is it any good?

The film is loosely based on the true story of a weird newspaper ad featuring time travel. In the true story, the advert is run. Nothing happens. This film goes the next step and asks, what if it wasn’t joke. Three reporters arrive in a small town to uncover the mystery of the advert, as some light entertainment in their magazine. Little did they know how big this small ad will impact their lives? The script is solid, making what could have been one trick pony, delves into more significant in terms of relationships and paranoia, whist maintaining a humorous tone. Audrey Plaza is great, and after a quick IMDB search, have come to the conclusion, she really should be in more films. Nick from the TV series ‘New Girl’ plays the senior, albeit wild reporter, who seems more interested in rekindling an old flame and enjoying getting out of the office. Made for only $750,000 one can forgive the 2nd rate special effects towards the end, with enough Light flairs to blind a small child. However, the film is well worth watching.

Best bit?

The film kind of meanders, but the ending is kind of spectacular, both in a good and bad way. Definitely, memorable though.

ratings are out of 5

Did you know?

Production budget was reported by The Film Collaborative to be $750,000.

Director:   

Starring:          
Mark Wahlberg (known for: Boogie Nights)
Mila Kunis (known for: Black Swan)

What’s it about?

As the result of a childhood wish, John Bennett’s teddy bear, Ted, came to life and has been by John’s side ever since – a friendship that’s tested when Lori, John’s girlfriend of four years, wants more from their relationship.

Is it any good?

Firstly, I hate Family Guy and American Dad. There, I said it. I have tried to like it, but can’t bring myself to do it, much to the disgust of my friends and family. Sure, I had reservations about Seth Marclane’s bringing his crass humour to the big screen, but those fears were eliminated quickly. Man, this film is funny. Once again, Mark Wahlberg does a great job, and seems to be finding a niche in the comedy genre. Mila Kunis was admirable as Wahlberg’s wife, but felt her role was a little underwhelming. Ultimately the star is of course the teddy bear, Ted (also voiced by Seth MacFarlane). Most adolescence’s would probably get a kick out of Ted guzzling beer, partying with hookers and smoking pot. But there’s more to it than that. In amongst the pop culture references, car chases and bear vs man fight scenes, there’s a cool little friendship story which ties the whole thing together and ground it (somewhat) in reality. By the end, you almost forget he’s a computer animated character. Weird, I know, but that’s what good writing does. In fact, it is so good that I might even check out ‘Family Guy’ again…wait, on second thought, nah.

Best bit?

Partying with Flash Gordon, what more could you want?

ratings are out of 5

Did you know?

Ted is the highest-grossing R-rated film of the year, and the highest-grossing original R-rated comedy of all time.

‘Go Ninja, go Ninja, GO!’ My 80′s childhood was all about either He Man or the Ninja Turtles. Heck, I must paid off creators, Laird and Eastman’s mortgage’s with the amount of Turtles merchandise I had. I saw the first one at the cinema and loved it, I even received the Turtles VHS for Christmas (which was green no less). Then came Turtles 2, and with it came Vanilla ‘High Top’ Ice. Stuff ‘Beauty and the Beast’ for Best Original Song, the Oscar should have been given to V-Ice. Word to your mother!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze (1991)

Director:   
Michael Pressman (known for: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2)

Starring:          
Paige Turco (known for: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2)
David Warner (known for: Titanic)

What’s it about?

The Turtles and the Shredder battle once again, this time for the last cannister of the ooze that created the Turtles, which Shredder wants to create an army of new mutants.

Director:   

Starring:          
Stephen Spinella (known for: Milk)
Roxane Mesquida (known for: For My Sister)

What’s it about?

When Robert, a tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession.

Is it any good?

Back in the 80’s a movie about a killer tyre would have been seen as cheap, exploitation film, possibly directed by Roger Corman. Rubber, although low budget, makes a valiant attempt at making a ridiculous concept somewhat engaging and believable. Shot in America, with American actors, you definitely feel the euro flavour from the French crew. The first five minutes sees the main character perform an excellent, however bizarre monologue to camera, essentially asking the audience to suspend belief. The rest of the movie sees a normal car tyre go on a kill spree, taking out birds, rabbits and eventually humans that cross his path. The cinematography is very good, using a lot of nice natural light and shallow depth of field to give the film a more artistic feel. However, at points you can’t help but feel the filmmakers were in love with their own work a little too much, best represented by having the beginning monologue played during the end credits again….but this time, from a different angle! Um…why? At the end of the day though, it’s a film about a killer tyre and only has enough material for 75 minutes. Looking for something a bit difference? This is worth a view.

Best bit?

The police try to lure the tyre outside of a house with explosive consequences.

ratings are out of 5

Did you know?

The film was shown in Toronto at the After Dark Film Festival. Fangoria magazine stated the film “deeply split” the audience reaction saying that Rubber earned “huge laughs and applause as well as the only boos heard by Fango at the fest.”

You’ve gotta shoot’em in the head….right?

After the Port Arthur massacre in 1996 gun control legislation in Australia transformed considerably when newly elected Prime Minister John Howard introduced tighter gun laws under the National Firearms Agreement. Today only

Not in Australia, mate!

5.2% of Australian adults own and use firearms for purposes such as collecting, target shooting, hunting feral animals or shooting bikies. Sure, this figure keeps us safer from the living but against the undead it’s about as safe as bobbing for Box jellyfish. Even if you do own a Firearms Licence, all semi-automatic rifles and pump-action shotguns are outlawed anyway, so you are restricted to single-shot rifles which are of little use against a pack of hungry dead cannibals. So what does an Aussie do when he can’t hit up the local gun shop and purchase an anti-tank gun you ask? Well, lucky for you I compiled a “serious” list of readily available melee weapons.

Accessible “Aussie” Zombie Killing Tools

12. Hand-to-Hand Combat

Hand-to-hand combat may be the most ancient form of fighting known to man, but unless you’re Steven Seagal and proficient at neck breaking then forget it, not even drunken king hits will suffice against the undead. Run dickhead!

Practicality rating: 0.5/10

11. Boomerang

Used historically by Aboriginal Australians as a hunting weapon. The Boomerang is thought of as an Australian icon and is currently used for sport and entertainment. The inner edge could be reinforced with razor lining, however catching it when it comes back may result in losing important wanking digits, therefore for zombie killing it is completely fucking useless!

Practicality rating: 1/10

10. Beer Bottle

A beer bottle is a bottle made to contain beer…duh. In pub brawls they are often used as makeshift clubs that are strong enough to crack human skulls. When smashed on the head of a zombie, the long neck can be used as a handle for severe stabbing. Beer can be found in any Australian refrigerator.

Practicality rating: 2/10

9. Victa Lawn mower

This Australian made rug muncher is as tough and reliable as lawn mowers get. They can be purchased with 2 or 4 stroke engines with a weight range between 26kg to 52kg’s, so lifting them shoulder height will require mustle. If you don’t like mess a catcher can be used to collect zombie blood and brains, however this will add extra weight; I recommend a straight up mulcher: it’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it!

Practicality rating: 2.5/10

8. Julian Assange

Famous Australian activist, publisher and journalist but best known as founder of Wikileaks. Julian Assange has become an enemy of the U.S Department of Defence, basically for knowing shit before shit happens, so hit up Wikileaks regularly for early intel on the upcoming zombie apocalypse. Currently Assange has diplomatic asylum inside the Ecuadorian embassy in London subject to an arrest warrant by Swedish police, so he may or may not sexually assault you if you’re a Swedish backpacker.

Practicality rating: 3/10

7. Chainsaw

The Chainsaw is a portable mechanical saw powered by a two-stroke engine. The blade is made from wear-resistant alloy steel and each tooth on the cutting chain is chromium plated steel, meaning it can cut through bone and sinew like butter. Intense use will leave the entrails of the undead at your feet and you looking like a used tampon, but the need for petrol and regular maintenance will cost you.

Practicality rating: 4/10

6. Cricket Bat

The Cricket Bat consists of a cane handle attached to a flat-fronted willow-wooden blade. With frequent use the handle is prone to cracking, so utilizing the blade instead of the face will deliver better skull fracturing. For better results get your hands on the Kookaburra with carbon fiber reinforced polymer support down the spine of the bat: endorsed by Ricky Ponting but banned by the ICC!

Practicality rating: 5.5/10

5. Holden ‘Ute’

Since 1951 the Holden Utility vehicle has become an Aussie icon for tradies and bogans nationwide. With it’s slick design, cabin space and practical load carrying capability the Ute can be “utilized” into an affective zombie killing machine. Just reinforce it, add a bull bar, throw your swag and Victa lawn mower in the back and off you go. Fast getaway must have!

Practicality rating: 6/10

4. Phillip’s Head Screwdriver

Named after it’s American founder Henry F. Phillips, the Phillip’s Head is a must have close-combat tool. The crosshead screw design and self-centering sharp tip give it a monumental advantage over the regular flat-head design. Keep one in the tool belt for easy access when you find yourself wrestling a walker.

Practicality rating: 7/10

3. Spade

A Spade is a tool used for the purpose of digging or removing earth. Modern Spades are quite sturdy in shape and have a metal tip which can be sharpened for extra zombie decapitation efficiency. The common Spade is readily available in most Australian backyards.

Practicality rating: 7.5/10

2. Machete

The Machete is a large cleaver-like cutting tool mainly used for chopping and slashing through undergrowth and various foodstuffs. Machetes split open coconuts with ease so a zombie’s skull should not be a problem. If you do not own a Machete, search the car of any Vietnamese Australian and you may be in luck!

Practicality rating: 8/10

1. Crowbar

The Crowbar is a tool consisting of a metal bar with a single curved end and flattened points. It’s durable construction is commonly used for removing nails, prying apart boards and “breaking” and “entering”. The Crowbar is relatively light weight, strong and perfect for close-quarter zombie bludgeoning.

Practicality rating: 9.5/10

I’m armed now what……?

Ok, so now that you’ve chosen your weapon of zombie mass-destruction (you’re welcome by the way), used your mother-in-law as a shield and chainsawed your way out of the first wave, you now need to decide whether to stay or run? If you’re an avid Wikileaks viewer then perhaps you prepared well in advance so staying put won’t be a problem. Remember, the key elements in zombie apocalypse survival are weapons, water, food, beer and barricade!

Who knew Spam could save your life?

A stocked pantry full of emergency foods such as powdered milk, canned vegetables, dried fruits, canned seafood, crisp crackers, pasta, beer and grains should nourish long enough to ride out the worst of the invasion.

When boarding up your premises allocate time by creating a diversion. Chopping up the Grandparents and discarding their decrepit body-parts on the front lawn will spare a few vital minutes. Use barricade materials with hard wood, such as desks, tables, dressers and inside doors; primarily anything bulky enough to reinforce windows. So there you go, a good boyscout is always prepared! But what if you’re not prepared to knuckle down?

So you soiled yourself, left the wife behind and decided to flee, huh? Well, believe it or not but in Australia this just happens to be the best option, notably if you prepare a survival kit. Your kit should consist of a large backpack, pocket knife, first aid kit, water-proof matches, GPS, rechargeable flashlight, water bottle (filtered), rope, weapon and portable solar power. If you don’t have any of this gear, then you probably should have read this guide; now fuck off and die!

Time to re-populate!

Director:   

Starring:          
Ben Affleck (known for: Argo)
Bryan Cranston (known for: Malcolm in the Middle)

What’s it about?

A dramatization of the 1980 joint CIA-Canadian secret operation to extract six fugitive American diplomatic personnel out of revolutionary Iran.

Is it any good?

Remember the Ben Affleck from Reindeer Games, and Surviving Christmas? Meet Affleck 2.0. He’s smarter, more artistic, and makes better choices. ‘Argo’ is his masterpiece. The film begins with a bang, as rioting Iranians storm the US embassy. Luckily, a few escape and take refuge in the Canadian Embassy. Affleck is brilliant as lead character Tony Mendez, the man who risks his life to travel to Iran and bring them home under the guise of making a Star Wars-esq sci-fi action film titled ‘Argo’. The use of historical footage from the era intercut with the film is a very nice touch, with the end credits featuring a montage of pictures comparing the actors in the film to their real life counterparts. The likeness is extraordinary, and further reinforces the attention to detail the filmmakers had for the source material. With a perfect blend of character actors, suspense and story, It kind of makes you feel as if could have been made in a different era by a director of Hitchcock’s status ie. Don’t expect gun fights and car chases commonly found in modern day blockbusters, just a bloody good story. The film has already won swag of awards, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a whole lot more.

Best bit?

Will they or won’t they? A tense stand off awaits at the airport as to whether the mission is a success.

ratings are out of 5

Did you know?

The film is nominated for a 2013 Oscar for Best Picture.

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Opening this Week – February 14

Ah Die Hard, my once beloved franchise. What is Fox thinking hiring these direectors? Firstly, Len (I can’t make a film without my wife) Wiseman makes a very average film…flying cars taking out helicopters? Go to hell Wiseman. Now this, ‘A Good Day to Die Hard’. John Moore’s filmography reads like he’s the king of mediocre. So, what about the film? Judging by the reviews, it looks like Moore is consistent… mediocre.

A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

97 min – Action | Crime | Thriller

Last Weeks Top 5

Prophet Predictions
Vote for this week’s winner and leave your prediction for how much it earns in the comments!

DB - A Good Day to Die Hard
$38M

What’s coming out this year? IGN has a list of the horror games being released in 2013. Check them out…then change your pants!

Roaming around in an dirty old abandoned…probably a bad idea.