BrazenBareToe

We All Need More Sick Days

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 21:30:00 +0000

Seriously, Google and Yahoo need to stop scaring me into thinking I have rare and strange diseases. My newest hypochondriaction (I made that word up, why this isn’t a word beats me) is to the Kleine-Levin Syndrome (also known as sleeping excessively, eating excessively, and having a lot of excessive sexy time). When you can answer like yes to most ~~all~~ of the symptoms I think I may have a problem, or I’m just super lazy, fat and horny. That could also be it but I’d like to think those are more symptoms than problems.

Just because I may sleep till noon (and if I don’t have to go any where sometimes 1p) on my days off and like to scarf down carbs in excess, someone’s got to label it and scare the bejesus out of you. I think it’s because they’re jealous more than actual scientificy doctors. But I need back up. Is it really not normal to sleep till noon after you’ve grown out of teen years? Why are carbs so delicious? Why do they tempt me with their crunchy nacho chips and whiz cheese? Is there a limit to sexy time one must abide to?

Or are the doctors all done with scaring up some business with that whole pflu thing they have to find more bizarre diseases to spring on the public? That’s probably it. All profit for the doctors and there’s probably a kick back to Google and Yahoo for making everyone so scared. The internet sometimes can be a frightening place.

(Sorry if this offends anyone with the real Kleine-Levin Syndrome, secretly I'm envious of you.)

I Got Art

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 20:47:00 +0000

The Hubs got me a Valentines gift even though we said we weren’t going to exchange gifts this year. He said he got it for me because he knows I’ve had a rough patch with the boo hoos and wanted to cheer me up. He’s so wonderful. So what did he get me? Well, remember a while back when I visited him in San Diego and had to be a big girl and drive on the freeway? Well, while there we visited some fancy schmancy art galleries and we both totally fell in love with Robert Deyber and his literal lithographs. So while the he was away on business down there he picked up this little gem for me.

It’s called Bad Hare Day. Isn’t that just too cute? Yes, it's a bunny setting houses on fire. I think it's fitting since I work for Ittybitty Town fire department and all. You should totally check out his site he’s got hundreds of these things and they are all really funny.

It’s hanging proudly on my half painted, half mudded, half renovated wall in my hallway. I also love Edward Hopper’s Rooms by the Sea (hint, hint, Hubs.) There’s also this picture with a little girl with a bear on a leash walking through the forest that I like too but I don’t know who makes it. When we first got together the Hubs and I went wild with Ansel Adams all over our house. I’m tired of looking at black and white so it is just so wonderful to have actual ART on the wall. And the Hubs is home so I actually got some sleep that was not alcohol or drug induced so I’m feeling pretty reenergized.

Next step is planning Bernie’s goodbye party.

Fresh With Even More Random

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 20:12:00 +0000

I wonder if the spider in my bathroom was nocturnal. He moves to different places every day. I found him by the door, by the toilet, and by the trash can. He mistakenly crawled into the tub this morning. I’ll miss that little spider.

No one can answer if skunks have opposable thumbs. There even seems some wide debate about raccoons having opposable thumbs too. I bet if raccoons win this and are declared opposable thumb users then skunks will soon follow. It’s really because raccoons are cuter and smell nicer than skunks. They’re like the cheerleaders of skunks.

I’ve come to terms with getting Bernie fixed. Actually I’m just looking forward to the time off work and the extreme amount of Vicodan I’ll be getting. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to have my iPhone next to me so I can keep everyone updated on my inebriation.

The Hubs finally comes home tomorrow. It’s a good thing because the dogs have run out of dog food and instead of going to the store and hauling the 50lb dog food bag down the death driveway I’ve considered just feeding them the cat food. Is this ok? Will they start meowing?

Some people are perverts. Hi perverts! *Waves* My keyword analysis on my blog has shown me that 70% of the people landing on my little corner of the internet are actually searching for pregnant bellies porn. Although I totally advocate free porn on the internet, sadly, you won’t find any here. Unless you count the fact that Froggie likes to strut around without any clothes on then, well, go at it frog porn people. (Secretly I can’t wait to see how many people get here by searching for frog porn.)

The rest of the people that accidently take a gander of BBT have been searching for “I coughed on…” and “shy bladder”. (I feel for you coughers and shy bladders I totally understand the need to spread disease and going potty in public restrooms scares me too). It makes me realize I must expand my horizons in my writing escapades and maybe try not to be so open about my bodily functions.

Gays, Oldie Moldies and Drepression

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 21:59:00 +0000

Hi internets. Sorry I haven’t checked in lately but I’ve been having this problem trying to not slide down that slippery slope of depression. I’ve had my little pity parties and they are enhanced by the fact that I’m having them alone, in this house, by myself. I’ve also been trying to pull 1500 words out of my ass to write a term paper. I find it funny that I can ramble on here but if it’s something I’m not really interested in it is like torture to write. Also, Farmville and Mafia Wars keeps distracting me and the fact that I have a brand new Mystery Case Files game just sitting on my desktop tempting me with hidden objects makes it really hard to concentrate. Not much has been happening around Casa De Toe lately, except that my 70 year old neighbor keeps stopping by to “check up” on me because he knows the Hubs is out of town and wants to make sure I’m hunky dory over here. I thought it was sweet the first two times he did it but now it’s getting a bit annoying having to chitty chat every day with him. And the GAYS OMG the GAYS. My other neighbors are a wonderful couple and a very nice gay couple but they have adopted a small puppy. A puppy in which their life now revolves around. They are a bit obsessed with their new dog. I’m happy the little puppy was saved and is now being spoiled rotten but please, please, please do not bring little puppy over to meet my retardo dog. Buddy doesn’t go out in dog social situations because he has this overwhelming need to maul people/dogs/inanimate objects with his tongue. He doesn’t know the meaning of personal space. They brought this little pup who is about as big as a teddy bear into my home to meet Buddy and while they just stood there while I try to hold 130 pounds of slobbering love back so he won’t smother their dog they said things like “Oh, we should have brought the camera this is sooo great!” and “It’s so great to have her meet other dogs. Isn’t this just wonderful?!” This incident did not help Bernie either. Hello, people I have a hernia. I should not be holding back 130 pounds of squirming, whining dog, it hurts like hell. And that poor little puppy was scrambling around trying to find cover under the table, under the couch, under every place she could to get away from this hulking beast that appeared to want to eat her. Better yet, they left the leash on the little pup so not only is this poor thing trying to hide it’s getting wrapped up around our legs and furniture. Yeah, not fun Gays, not fun. But I forgive them because one’s a sous chef and makes me wonderful things to eat.

That’s all I got folks. Just wanted to make sure I checked in here before I started receiving the “are you dead?” emails. Also, if someone could finish my term paper that would be awesome because it’s stressing me out and I’m finding that I’m not DEEP and I can’t write 1500 on wisdom and what that means to me and instead I’ve ended up just recapping a whole bunch of random stories of when I didn’t use wisdom in the past and that’s adding to my depression.

**Also, I really am getting tired of my blog changing my font. WTF blog? Sometimes your Times New Roman and sometimes you like to be Arial. Can we just decide on one font and stick with it? Why are you messing with me?

It's Bullet Time Because All I Got is Random Today

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 16:48:00 +0000

I want to switch to hankies instead of tissues to be more green but the idea of washing my clothes with boogied hankies gives me the willies.

I really am starting to dislike the two women I work with. One is an uber-snob and the other is icky. It’s making my days harder to come to work.

I miss my husband. He’s out of town way too much lately.

I started Nutrisystem because I need to do something drastic. I’ve gained all the weight back from our Biggest Loser Challenge because I can’t exercise due to Bernie. It’s day two and I’m having a hard time sticking to it. Carbs are my kryptonite.

I wish people would stop asking me to fix their computers at work. I’m not an IT person just a geek. They should not take advantage of my geekness. I’m sure most of the problems they have can easily be fixed by someone actually trained to do this and I don’t get paid enough to deal with this shit. Also, would it really hurt if once in a blue moon they actually update their stuff?! Seriously, if you don’t update your computer it will eventually die. How many times to I have to tell them this?

This stormy weather has got to go. It has knocked out the Dishnetwork two nights in a row and I’m having Idol withdrawals.

My reading assignment for school is impossibly long and dull. I’m having a hard time paying attention to it when it’s making my eyes feel droopy because it is just that unexciting. I’m thinking I should take more stock in the matter of the immortal soul but after the third page my eyes just start crossing and I find myself looking for something else to do.

I still can’t get over the power of the internet. Out of the blue they do this wonderful thing for a wonderful person whom they never met and it brings tears to my eyes every time I read about it. It’s so sweet and everyone is just so generous even in these hard economic times. I’m really just blown away at this.

Sometimes Perspective Needs a Kick in the Butt

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 21:22:00 +0000

There comes a time when I look at the interwebs and think wow, just wow. All my moaning and groaning about my little insignificant problems seem so small compared to the big picture. Then something like this happens and within hours over $1,500 is raised for a cause. Or this where kids are saved. I just look in awe of what the power of community can do and realize just how caring people can be.

Wow interwebs. You rock.

Shitty Week Followed Up With Shitty News Just To Make Sure I Got All The Shit I Can Handle

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 19:04:00 +0000

Shit you guys. Shit, shit, shit, fuck, shit! That pretty much sums up my week. I was going to start this post with something funny like “See what I did there? I didn’t post for a while and kept you all on pins and needles. I’m calling it suspense.”

But then I had a little mental break down yesterday and wasn’t up to the task of being funny. I’m handling it a bit better today but still having little bouts of depression. Ok, ok a lot of bouts of depression because, you guys, Bernie is back :( And my options suck ass:
a) live with constant pain in my groinal area forever that will just get worse and worse as it tears open more little by little.

b) succumb to the pain and endure the torture of two weeks of surgery recovery to get it fixed again. Which may or may not last because according to my doctor hernias are very temperamental but if he meshes it this time it should have less chance of opening again.

Do you realize how many freaking muscles there are in the general area of the groin? Seriously, every time I just tried to sit up or lie down I was in agony. I don’t even want to think about having to do that again. But I have to think about it and it’s really bringing me down. And the Hubs with his new job responsibilities has him traveling forever and ever so not only will I have to inconvenience myself and my job I’ll have to inconvenience his too because there’s no way I’m recovering by myself. Hell, I couldn’t even get myself up to go to the bathroom without help last time. The timing just seriously sucks ass too because we’re right in the middle of training season and I’m extremely busy at work. Not to mention the ever present Kitchen Saga that we’re supposed to be working on but I can’t even lift a little bit o’ things without having my groinal area swell up and hurt like hell.

Stupid Bernie. He’s in a very embarrassing place too, right between the hooha and the crease of my leg. Like sooooo freaking embarrassing to have the Doc sit down in front of you on a lowered stool and have you stand up and drop trow while he pokes around on all sides of your area. He’s freaking eye level with the hooha. Uggh, I could have died. Instead I stuttered a bunch and my face was blazing while I’m trying to describe how much freaking pain he’s causing poking about. It just adds insult to injury. The whole time I’m trying to tell myself “he’s a Doc, he sees this shit all the time don’t be so weird” but instead my mind was more like “omg, omg, omg, omg. He wants me to point to it?! Omg, omg, omg don’t look down, Omg Omg shit you looked down omg omg Owweeeee that fucking hurts like hell omg omg”.

So I limped back to my car and had a few crys, and a few more. The Hubs and I can’t narrow our schedules down to a good date to get Bernie fixed because I’m going to have to eventually get him fixed whether I want to or not. So for now I wait.

As Shallow as A Shower

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 22:05:00 +0000

I’m about to get all retrospective up in this shiznit! I started class yesterday. Class is hard! Philosophy of Human Nature is hard and here it’s only week one. They are already asking questions like “What is your life meaning?” This stuff is DEEP I tell you. I don’t do DEEP. I’m very superficial like that. And the Hubs is no help at all. I had to watch a cartoon on Plato’s Cave analogy and I think my brain broke a little. I tried to talk it out with the Hubs to see if he had any insight as to what I was supposed to glean from this cartoon and he says “I dunno, isn’t there a book or something you could read more about it?” and “All I wanted to tell you is when I was coming home, I don’t have time for this phycobabble.” See, no help at all. The Hubs is about as deep as a piss on concrete when it comes to inner philosophies and the life’s meaning questions. I guess I’ll have to plunge in and just guess and see if I was right or not. I’m glad I’m not the only one that’s new and taking this course as their first online course. Though, I am finding it increasingly difficult to finish one task where we have to reply to other posts when the grammar and spelling errors make it hard to even read it let alone understand what the other students are trying to say. I’m not super edjamacational that slight errors bug me, hell, this whole post is laden with grammar problems but when you write something like “im trin to apply this to my lives and i see that it is difecult….” It makes my head hurt just looking at it.

When my “what are my expectations” assignment seems to ramble on for two pages where everyone else turned in maybe three lines; I think my determination to explain myself is over weighing just getting to the point. And I’m really just trying to fill up my mind with thoughts other than the dreaded pokey doctor’s visit tomorrow. The fact that I’m so stressed out about that appt. that I woke up Monday with the mother of all fever blisters on my bottom lip so big that the Hubs took one look at me and told me to go back to bed because it looked like I took a fist to the ol’kisser just goes to show that I’m not handling anything mentally well at this moment. Then to try to define my life meaning?! I’m just trying to make it to Friday right now.

Having a Little Crazy Attack That's All

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 18:01:00 +0000

I’m terrified Internets. I scheduled an appointment with the pokey doctor to see Bernie next Wednesday. What if something happened and I have to go through the torture that is surgery again? What if there was, gulp, tearing or opening or worse? What if that aggravated lyphnode was just the beginning and now they are all aggravated and revolt?

And also, I’m a little bit confused about the fact that technology in doctoral science comes down to someone poking you and asking if it hurts. Really, this is how you diagnose something? You’d think we’d be more advanced by now than relying on someone else just poking you.

The more disturbing fact is that my pokey doctor is, ummm abrupt, as in he has no patience in getting you into that stupid cotton gown he just says drop em’ and I’ll poke around a bit. Yes, there’s a woman in the room with him but still, I’m a bit embarrassed to be dropping trow and someone poking very close to my lady bits.

I don’t even know if that is normal practice or not for diagnosing a hernia. It’s like that show Holmes on Homes. How the hell does anyone know it was done right to begin with? It’s not like I see surgeons on the regular or anything and my other general practice doc, the quacky one, get’s scared just touching me. He’s very light like a butterfly and always asks not to hit him if it hurts. WTH? Like people actually swing at you doc when you try touching them? Maybe it’s time to find new doctors but then we have HISTORY together and I don’t want to go somewhere else where I have to endure more weird touching and probing and getting to know new quacks. I’m hoping maybe it’s just some scar tissue swelling or something a vicodan and anti-inflammatory can fix.

I think I remember telling you how freaked out I was just looking at an IV in my hand. The fact that they had to tape a little cloth over it so I wouldn’t pass out gives you an idea of how I just don’t do hospitals well.

So let’s all hope it doesn’t come down to that ok? Trying to think good thoughts here, look at the silver lining and all.

Froggie Wants You To Vote

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 15:42:00 +0000

You need to head over here and check out Froggie’s very first Idol appearance. I’m up against stiff competition and need all the votes I can get. Speaking of stiff does anyone know any good songs you would hear in a strip club?

Just in case my master skills at Bloggers link button didn't work you can go here
http://meangirlgarage.blogspot.com/2010/01/out-of-tune-idol-week-1.html

This was a Vacation?

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 01:41:00 +0000

Wow this vacation (if you can call it that) has really kicked my butt. While yes, Christmas and the whole family thing was done, so was the shopping for the Ditchin’ the Kitchen Saga. Here you can see my workout room is currently housing all of my pantry and all of my kitchen cabinets. I also learned that I can only spend 3k at one time on my debit card and when I called to have it upped to purchase my cabinets the lady at the bank was all “Now listen, do you reaaalllyyy want to be spending that much on New Year’s Eve” I was oblivious and said “Yes I have to buy these cabinets.” I didn’t get it until later that she probably thought I was having some massive kegger party.

Extremely packed room.

That room was so packed that some actually had to go in the Living Room.

I’ve also been carving out a corner in our den to make my little study area because of the being all grown uppy and going back to school I didn’t want to share the home computer area and have the Hubs move stuff around. I needed my own little space. Isn’t it quaint? And this took me three days to do because every time I moved even the lightest piece of furniture Bernie The Hernia felt like someone punched me in the hip. Stupid Bernie. I’m all ready to be learnt and got my books about Man’s Search for Meaning and Then Theories of Human Nature and am ready to dive into the great world of human behavior.

My little study corner.

On top of all these projects there’s the painting of the entire house that I’ve been trying to accomplish. The ENTIRE inside of the house, including the ceiling. Painting a ceiling is hard. And conveniently the Hubs work schedule has him out of town again on and off until February. Lucky bum.

I hope you all had nice holidays.

Long Time No See and Send Good Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:44:00 +0000

'Ello there love. Long time no see. I’ve found that even though I’ve been utterly addicted to Mafia Wars and Farmville I haven’t checked in to my little ol’ bloggy blog lately. That and the fact that my ISP has been intermittently dropping in and out which I never noticed before because it does it during the day and I’m usually at work but being furloughed for two weeks has proved to me that I cannot LIVE WITHOUT MY INTERNET. You know, to distract me from my overflowing home project list.

But I interrupt this post with another post because you have to read this:

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Now go dry your eyes and blow your nose.

Fa la la la la la la la la

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 00:18:00 +0000

I got this mini video cam free when ordering something else and I forgot all about it until today. Since I want to participate in Jules’s AL contest I thought I’d have to go out and buy me a video camera but low and behold this crappy free one will do. It’s only 3.1 megapixels and I have a crazy idea for my Outta Tune AL submission that I hope works out using this little bugger. In the meantime I tried it out on Buddy.

You see that look he gave me. Yeah, the “Seriously Mom?” look and he actually sighed a little when he turned back around. You also get a little of the stupid crazy eye he likes to do at the end there.

So if anyone wants to embarrass themselves as much as I do you need to sign up at Jules’s place. I’m in it for the free stuff as you know I love the free things. Also, I’ve secretly always wanted to be on Idol. Don’t we all? If not just for the satisfaction of flipping off Simon Cowell. So go, be crazy, sign up too.

School Woes But I'm a Winner So I'll Get Over It

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 22:08:00 +0000

I went to the placement exam this weekend and I am officially pissed off with my local educational facility. Not only did I have to wait 3 hours to take a test because they were sorely understaffed and were not prepared for the 70 students that showed up bright and early at 9a. I was misinformed about the calculator usage so I could have studied math instead of going balls to the wall in with no hope. Asshole Counselor is now on my permanent S-List. So of course, I placed in fundamental math because I’m an idiot and haven’t done algebra for 13 years now. (Is it ironic that I misspelled idiot? Word are you deliberately mocking me?)

And I just maybe could not concentrate in a room with 50 other people coughing, squirming and making general people noises to really apply myself to the sentence structure portion of the test and only scored an 86% which, get this, is only one percent lower than I needed to get into English 1A. Now I have to take a prerequisite class in order to even start my degree path.

Then when calling Asshole Counselor to ask where I placed she didn’t even remember who I was. I was just there on Friday and I’m calling you on Monday and you can’t remember who I am?

Uggh, I wash my hands of you no-good educational facility. Your minions were no help to me at all. So I started looking online and guess what I found? The most helpful person ever! Christina from New Fangled Online College (NFOC) was more than helpful. I’m already signed up for my first class and know exactly what to study for and what to do next. I’m officially a new student at NFOC. First class is Philosophy of Human Nature which Christina herself had taken and said it was interesting and very fun as an introductory course. AND it also counts towards an Associates Degree in Liberal Arts.

She totally gets me, Christina and I are the bestest of buds now. She didn’t have any qualms about calling me back three times already today AND she’s going to call me at home tonight just to make sure I don’t have anymore questions about the matriculation process. AND she waived my application fee because it’s the holiday season and she knows times are a little tight. AND that just made her the most awesomest of peeps and made me want to lick her face. AND she emailed all the info. we talked about while we were on the phone so I could later peruse it. I think I’m in love.

In other news, I may or may not have grabbed some ass and boobs while getting plastered at the Hubs’s Christmas party on Saturday. I get handsy after the 6-7^th drink. Just about the end of the evening they had the last drawing for some cool shit. It was the only reason everyone was still hanging around at midnight. Guess who won a 40” LCD HDTV? -------->This chick right here! Yeah, I’m like really high about it. It’s the only thing that didn’t make me think of the Asshole Counselor all weekend.

So there’s my recap of the weekend. I just found out today that we are furloughed for two weeks instead of just one so I’m trying to cram all my work in now so I probably won’t be posting a lot the rest of the week. On top of trying to get my X-mas shopping done and doing my online testing I’m swamped; which is good. I’m feeling all productive. Now, I just need to focus on the finishing part.

Can Someone Send Me Some Smart?

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 22:41:00 +0000

I went to the college counselor yesterday to see what I had to do to be grown uppy and she said I had to take a test. I’m the worst test taker in the world. I totally get the blankies when presented with tests. It’s a placement test too. This will justify my stupidity when I find out I have to take fundamental classes. Like math 101, what’s 2+5= aaaakkkkcchh 6? I just freak out when taking a test. And there is no use of calculators. I KNOW.

I’m freaking out just thinking of freaking out when I have to take the test. Which is this Saturday BTW. Gulp.

So she asked me what I wanted to be. I said a writer. She looked at me in awe and said (I quote) "That would be such a fun job."

"Uh yeah I guess."

"Wow a writer huh? For like the paper?"

"Ummm no. Like novels."

"Oh (insert dejected sound here)."

Umm, aren't you supposed to counsel and be all supportive and shit?!

Don't give me that patronizing oh like that's some pipe dream. You're a lousy old school counselor stuck in a back office talking to stinky children all day. Yeah, that sounds like a fun job. And then I told her I just wanted to take classes online and she got all offended and said their campus is great and they have night classes. Then I told her I almost ran 5 people off the road because it's all icy but the joy of having to navigate that shit in the dark is my dream because I'm furthering my education for the good of man kind.

I think she secretly wants me to kill people.

She kinda scared me so I cut the meeting short. And I coughed on her. She needs the swine flu more than I do. I'm sure I should have asked what to study but her leering manner made me nervous. So if anyone has some brains they'd like to let me borrow right now would be an opportune time. Otherwise I'm going to be in fundamental math learning how to do pluses and minuses.

Yes I'm Talking About Belly Buttons

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 20:06:00 +0000

Inspired by Lemmonex that gave me a new phrase, navel gazing. Which I find hilarious because my Hubs; he has no navel. He’s special that way. In fact it’s an ongoing hilarity that I like to point out to strangers we meet and make him flash his naveless body to whether they want to see it or not. He was born with his insides on the outside due to some chemical his dad was exposed to. He was a mutant baby. It’s strange too that his parents have more pictures of him as mutant baby then mine have of me as a baby. In fact my parents have only one picture of me in baby form and all the rest are when I’m 2. I think it’s a big cover up and I was found on the side of the road or something. Which reminds me of the story of when I got lost and could have been abducted off the side of the road but I’ll save that nugget for another time. Ahem, so the Hubs has no navel just a bare spot where his navel should be and one day I was getting tatted up with my girlfriend (yes I have two tattoos, I’m one of those bad girls) when we got the bright idea to give the Hubs a belly button. The Hubs now has a blue four holed button with orange string tattoo as his belly button.

We were on vacation in Maui when we went snorkeling. Let’s just say the Hubs + Rocky Boat = sickness so he had an incident where his shirt got a little pukey. He took it off and while we are waiting in line to disembark this little kid looks over and he’s just about eye level with the blue button. I see him tug on his mom’s shirt and point at the Hubs. Then he looks up and the Hubs puts his finger to his mouth in the shhhhh guesture to the kid. I just about lost it on that boat. One of the many reasons I still keep him around. You know, to show off his button.

How Many People Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:47:00 +0000

See what I did there? I totally stopped blogging because writing every day was efforty and killed my creative juices. I also changed my digs around here. Cute huh? I like the upside down boat and the sea monster. And look, I put Froggie floating in the ocean with booze. I think I'll call the sea monster Ernie. He looks like an Ernie.

Let me tell you about how hard it is for two grownups to change a light bulb in a fish tank.

Last night the UPS guy shows up at like 8p and delivers our special order fish tank light that went out 5 days ago and my poor fishes have been swimming around in moon light mode since then (Salt water tanks have day light light and moon light light to simulate the ocean. It’s very pretty blue light and makes everything glow. ). They probably don’t even know what day it is. It’s been night time for them for 5 days; it’s like their in Alaska. So the UPS man braves the death driveway and two feet of snow to deliver his precious cargo. We, as in the Hubs, decides there should be light tonight so he starts the arduous task of taking the plastic off the light in the hood of the tank which requires unscrewing the screws that hold it on. Screws that can conveniently fall into the tank and cause the pump to suck such screws up that ultimately ends up clogging the water flow. But the Hubs has it all under control by yanking the pump up out of the tank (pump is still plugged in and pumping or attempting to pump) which causes a flood of saltwater to be pumped out and all over the back and front of the fish tank. I swoop in with my crafty skills of unplugging and save the day. This should be the end right? Oh no, the light get’s replaced the pump get’s rescued and put back together everything gets put back to working order except everything is unplugged now. So the Hubs starts plugging everything back in and I’m all “ummmm there’s like water all back there. You want a towel?” and he’s all “no I got it…damn!” followed by a crashing sound of his reading lamp falling and shards of glass everywhere. Yes, he was slightly shocked and kicked his lamp over and now there’s glass all over the place and he’s in a corner on his knees and can’t move for fear of glass in skin and I’m yelling at the dogs to get away because the last thing I need is a puppy paw vet trip while simultaneously sweeping shards of glass into a pile and throwing a towel at the Hubs. Needless to say 2 hours later the fish tank has a new light in it that is timed to go out at 10p so the fishes got like a whole 5 minutes of light and are probably thinking WTF?

My Adventures In Vegas At Least What I'm Willing To Post Online

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:04:00 +0000

Internets, it’s the last day of NaBloPoMo ~~thank fucking god~~ yay and I have to do a double post because I missed day one. So here’s me at the Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum picking Ben Franklins nose. I know, I’m klassy.

I had a pic of me and Captian America I had the Hubs take but he was very disinterested in the fact that I wanted a picture with a super hero that it came out all shitty. Even though it was a monumental moment. It’s not everyday you get to meet a super hero. The Hub’s disagrees and said a super hero wouldn’t ask you for a tip to pose in a picture and I told him times are tough maybe Captain America is having a slow day, it’s not like he’s Superman or anything. That’s when the Hubs threw the camera at me and said he wasn’t going to take anymore of my stupid pictures. This is why I have a shock proof Olympus, he’s always throwing my shit around.

So I had to take this very horrible video that’s not at all in focus of our Gondola man singing to me by myself. The Hubs refused to do it. I apologize in advance to the sweepy swishy motion but the Gondola man was behind me so I had to bend back to get him in frame.

At the end he says it’s his Olive Garden Special that’s why we’re laughing at him not because he was a crappy singer. Well, mostly why we are laughing at him.

I'm a Trooper For the Right Price

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 21:02:00 +0000

OMG, OMG, OMG I’m dying. That has to be the explanation for how I feel right now. I’m being punished for sleeping till 1p on my vacation. My throat hurts, my side hurts and I just sneezed so hard I pulled a muscle in my neck.

I went to work today. I’m currently there now, zoning out in front of my screen because I took some Theraflu and it makes my head swimmy. You’re probably wondering why the hell I didn’t call in sick huh. I have plenty of sick time stored up. Just bundle my ass back into bed and say fuck it. Well, our lovely time off system works as this: If you are sick after a holiday you don’t get paid for the holiday time. So I’m sticking it out for a lousy 16 hours of holiday pay. Yep, my work is making me spread germs to my fellow co-workers. I’ve already filled my work trash halfway up with bio-hazard tissues. I took my temperature this morning and it was 101F. I think my brain melted a little.

I got hit by the sick stick again

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 02:06:00 +0000

Here I was thinking that a week in Vegas is what made me feel like someone hit me repeatedly with a sock full of change but no. No my shitty body was fighting off a virus. The virus is slowly winning. My head feels like someone is slowly smashing it between their palms. My nose is leaking; I’m hacking and with every cough the whole bottom half of me screams in pain. Bernie the Hernia has decided to make his comeback and my right side feels like someone kicked me in the kidney and with every cough my side feels like it’s being stabbed with a hot poker.

The shittiest part is that I’m out of NyQuil so I can’t even get a good cold medicine buzz on. WTH?! I just got over a crappy crud cold and here I have another probably the pflu just to round out my vacation time. Put me out of my misery.

I'm recycling oh well

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 07:00:00 +0000

I'm recycling a poem I wrote because I got up at like 1p today and I have still to recover. And it's like 11p and Tombe Stone is on and the Hubs is like quoting every line along with Road House and it's driving me a little insane. But I love him anyway.

The lights on Broadway were blinding

She fell to the floor and came out of hiding

Along the river they shake

Cold and shivering you left in your wake

Dark and gray the wind blows

The clock strikes hollow and low

She longs to be awake

Out of the darkness and into the light

She doesn’t know what that’s like

To be born and not speak

To see but not hear

All alone on that stage

The cries of rage

The winds of change

She’s no longer the talk of the town

Old and broken

Quiet and solemn

Goodnight Ittybitty Town!

NaBloPoMo Day 27 I'm really reaching now

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 03:25:00 +0000

It's sooooo hard to post every day. I give total props to those like Crissy that do this mostly everyday. How do you come up with shit to talk about?!

We're back home from vacation and have a quiet 3 days to recover but I slept till noon today, probably because I haven't been going to bed until 3a for the last five days and all I got accomplished today was going to the grocery store to restock our fridge. (BTW the only reason I got up at noon was because the neighbor came by at that time to ask the Hubs for some help doing something otherwise I might still be in bed right now). Unfortunately I forgot that today was town's Christmas parade which is big shit in Ittybitty Town so all the roads were backed up with traffic and trying to park was a bitch. I never wanted to run over a horse more than I did today. They were everywhere shitting their horse shit all over the road all dressed up in tinsel being ridden by cowboys with their pressed wranglers on. Ugh.

So we restocked the fridge and that's about it. I feel like Vegas chewed me up and spit me out. I'm sore all over from the miles and miles of walking we've done in the past week and my liver is hurty. I need to detox and just not walk for the next month or so.

Well, that's all I got well, besides I've actually turned on the TV today and am particularly confused and a little disturbed by the new Target commercials. Is it just me or is Bazzaro Barbie just a little scary and spastic?! It's like watching an ADD breakdown on heroin. Just weird.

I can haz free drink?

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 05:11:00 +0000

I must have looked as haggard as I felt getting on the plane today for our trip home because the flight attendant didn't charge me for the double vodka and 7. Said it was on him and not to worry. And once we get to the airport we still have a 3 hour ride home. Even Froggie was happy to make it outta Vegas. This is a big deal because every drink you want in Vegas starts at $8 and doubles for double of anything. Seriously, we went into a posh Sushi Samba place in the Venetian and double vodka and 7's were $20 a drink! My bar tab was twice as much as our meal. Needless to say we did not hit it big and are currently recovering from the 5 days of constant exposure to second hand cigarette smoke. I've been hacking like I smoked a pack a day since the second day we were there. So here it is 9p and finally we made it. I think it'll be nice to wake up without a hangover.

OMG, I have to tell you about Mimi's Cafe (the only place open on Thanksgiving) that we stopped at on the way home. If you are not familiar with Mimi's it's like a glorified Denny's not what you would call fine dining, more like mediocre dining. But we were STARVING from not having eaten since 7a this morning we stopped at Mimi's on our way home and it was PACKED! Like this was a tradition for these people to have Thanksgiving dinner at Mimi's of all places. So here we are ordering a quick dinner and these people around us were all saying grace to a Denny's style Thanksgiving meal. But the kicker was when the people behind us said "ok lets say thanks for the Thanksgiving Elf calamazoo, calamazee" I can't make this shit up that was their prayer to the Thanksgiving Elf. I'm so thankful I'm not them.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'd be the next Donald Trump

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 03:20:00 +0000

I'd regale you with wonderful stories with pictures of Vegas but I forgot to load my picture cropping software and I don't think you'd want to see a bunch of sideways pictures so unfortunately you won't be seeing me picking Ben Franklin's nose or my encounter with Captain America until I get home. Tomorrow is our last day in Vegas and so far I'm afraid to count how much money I have left. Helpful hit, bring comfy shoes because my feet are killing me. Seriously if you were a portable foot message service you would make billions. BILLIONS. Someone rub my feet! I have many entrepreneur ideas for Vegas. One would require renting those IT's people moving machines. Scooters. Portable foot messieurs. Feet messaging machines strategically placed. Or bench maker. There is an apparent lack of benches here. I'm telling you I'd be so rich after implementing these ideas.

Hey, I got free tickets to see Blue Man Group tonight. Yeah, I like free things. So got's to go.

Happy Pre-Thanksgiving Day!

Blah Blah Blah

noreply@blogger.com (Toe) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 01:13:00 +0000

I have to make this one quick because we need to catch the Cirque du Soleil Mystere show. Also, I'd like to apologize to anyone that follows me on twitter. Anything after 10P just ignore because it's just drunken slosh texts and I've even refused to go back and read what might have come out of my swimmy head. Vegas is great but I wish their signs were a little more direct. We've been here three days now and are still getting lost trying to find our way back to our rooms. The Venetian is HUGE. You could spend all day just in here. We went down to Mandalay Bay yesterday and hit about 6 different hotels and the Shark Reef. Which was extremely lame but the Titanic exhibit at the Luxor was pretty interesting. They even had a huge piece of the ship in it. There were no pics allowed so I don't have any to post, but if you are ever here this is an exhibit to see.

Well, got to go.