Evocative Enneagram Self-Coaching Tips

My articles in The Enneagram Monthly Online

2026-02-13T19:48:00.001-05:00

Seeing-Eye Coaching

Bringing Projections Home

How Writers Can Draw From the Enneagram

Going for the Gold: Alchemy in Coaching

Somebody? Nobody?

Three-Step Self-Coaching Process

2025-09-06T09:02:00.001-04:00

A.W.E. Three Steps to Self-Coaching

From my Self-Coaching Workbook

Awareness of your unique patterns of motivation and behavior.

If you'd been hypnotized in a nightclub act to do something silly afterward at the hypnotist's command, would you then ask, "Why am I clucking like a chicken?" No. You volunteered to let someone make strong suggestions about your behavior. As a child you were even more suggestible. Read more. . .

Watching, without judgment, how those patterns operate.

Instead of backing away from an aspect of yourself you don't like, get to know that troubling part and see what there is to learn. ReLad more. . .

Experimenting to interrupt patterns and invite transpersonal change.

When you allow yourself to fully experience your typical reactions, you'll discover a new meaning for the baseball phrase, sweet spot. Read more. . .

Let yourself be in AWE!

How to Stop Feeding Your Hungry Ghost

2024-12-05T11:06:00.003-05:00

In Buddhism the Hungry Ghosts are depicted as teardrop shaped, with bloated stomachs and necks too thin to pass food – representing our futile attempts to feed ego patterns. We can never find satisfaction. It's like drinking salt water to quench our thirst.

Mark Epstein, in Thoughts Without a Thinker, describes our Hungry Ghosts as "searching for gratification of old unfulfilled needs whose time has passed."

We all can feel confused and disappointed in ourselves when we haven't been able to make changes in our lives we desperately want to make. It helps immensely to recognize these hungry ghosts as unconscious patterns of beliefs and behaviors we developed as children.

Instead of trying to ignore or overcome old “bad” behavior, be mindful. Let the ghosts in with compassion and without judgment, see how they operate. This could be you:

You: “I haven’t done as much writing this week as I’d like to. And I’ve been beating myself up about that.”

Your compassionate self: “You wanted to do more. How did you beat yourself up? What did that look like?”

You: “Feeling uncomfortable, anxious, telling myself I’m lazy, disappointed in myself."

Your compassionate self: “So that’s been a pattern, not writing as much as you’d like, then beating yourself up. Anything else?”

You: “I feel lost in a way, like there’s no structure, no clear path for me to follow. I’ve always felt a little uneasy when I’ve only had myself to rely on.”

Notice the lack of judgment in your compassionate self's responses. Exploring what your ghosts do and how they do it will encourage them to unveil more, bring the past into the present, and release attachments to outmoded, unnecessary patterns.

Lovin' the Spin I'm In

2023-12-18T10:15:00.001-05:00

A phenomenon known as frame dragging predicts that a rotating mass will drag space around it, like a bowling ball spinning in molasses.

This is an apt metaphor for how stuck our worldviews become when we operate in the same old way instead of broadening our perspective.

We continue spinning in the molasses of our patterns, no matter how much we want to do something different, because that particular spin has so much momentum.

Sometimes we wake up to a bigger game because our bowling scores are down. Sometimes it takes a complete "miss" to energize change.

Remember these lyrics to a Frank Sinatra song?

"In a spin, lovin' the spin I'm in..."

Paradox is essential to change. When you see the spin you're in and love yourself anyway you will, paradoxically, unstick yourself from the molasses that's been dragging you around.

Seeing with New Eyes

2023-12-18T10:15:00.000-05:00

Bill Joiner and Stephen Josephs define leadership agility as a process of reflective action or ongoing learning from your own actions — the ability to focus, step back, gain a broader and deeper perspective, and re-engage from that new perspective.

Though addressed to organizational leadership, the four key areas of agility are applicable with anyone or group of any size, from individuals to partners to families to organizations to communities to nations:

Self-leadership agility — stepping back to become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and experimenting with new, more effective approaches.

Creative agility — stepping back from your habitual assumptions and developing optimal solutions to the issues you face.

Stakeholder agility — stepping back from your own views and objectives to consider the needs and perspectives of stakeholders.

Context-setting agility — stepping back to determine the best initiatives, given changes taking place in the larger environment within which you operate.

As noted by these authors, we all need greater agility to adapt to our turbulent world economy's accelerating change, growing complexity, and interdependence.

We enrich our lives and the lives of those we impact when we step back from our habitual views to broaden and deepen our perspective.

Using Resistance as a Positive Force for Change

2023-12-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

In his chapter on resistance in Flawless Consulting, Peter Block makes the point that people often use the phrase "overcoming resistance," which implies that convincing or persuading people will win them over. This doesn't usually work.

If your point of view wasn't persuasive to begin with, repeating it will probably only make others dig their heels in deeper. They may feel threatened in some way (which to them is legitimate), or trying to maintain what's important to them (which to them is legitimate). They may feel some concern about their credibility, their job security, their sense of autonomy, their competence. They may also see a lack of congruence between the proposed change and some core values.

Someone who defends the status quo can actually be valuable to you. In your zeal for change you may be missing something they represent that could help you avoid problems. And they may represent others who don't support the change but aren't so open about their reluctance -- whatever they're concerned about is an important issue for you to address. Most important, because defenders have the courage and strength to challenge you openly, you want them on your side, and it isn't necessary to fight for what you believe to make that happen.

Think of the futility of standing in a flooding river to stop the flow. When the "flow" of someone's energy is directed against your efforts, trying to convince them to head in a different direction can be equally futile. An effective way to deal with a flooding river is to divert the water using its own energy -- by digging a channel, for example.

In his classic article, "A Positive Approach to Resistance," H.B. Karp suggests surfacing, honoring, and exploring the resistance by making its expression as safe as possible and asking for all of it, at the same time listening, acknowledging, reinforcing the notion that resistance is permissible, even valuable, and probing for alternatives.

Karp's article reminds us "the objective is not to eliminate all resistance," but instead to "work with and reduce needless resistance" and, once the conversation is workable, to "thank the resister and move on. It is important not to try to persuade the resister to like the demand. It is enough that the resister is willing to agree to it."

For more ideas, go to my blog post, Moving From Problems to Solutions.

Why Not "Why"?

2023-12-17T09:49:00.000-05:00

If you'd been hypnotized in a nightclub act to do something silly afterward at the hypnotist's command, would you then ask, "Why am I clucking like a chicken?" No. You've volunteered to let someone make strong suggestions about your behavior.

As a child you were even more suggestible. Not only did you learn what was expected, you also learned how to maintain that trance. As an adult, your conscious mind and unconscious programming work together to keep the suggestions operating. Check it out for yourself. How many times a day do you say to yourself, "Don't be rude," or "Look out for yourself, nobody else is going to," or "__________" (fill in the blank for yourself).

Does this mean you have to like the programming? No. You may consciously feel the urge to change, or you may have headaches, or tense shoulders, or acid indigestion, or depression. Something tells you this isn't who you want to be. These are wake-up calls--your attempt to snap your fingers and break the trance.

You could spend the next few years exploring why you have the patterns you have. Or you could simply accept that you've been in a trance and ask how? How does my trance operate? When you observe this closely, you'll know how to break the pattern. It's not a surprise that we associate "being chicken" with powerlessness. But notice the implied meaning of "free-range chicken." You, too, can range free.

Moving From Problems to Solutions

2023-12-17T09:48:00.000-05:00

Sometimes advice is appropriate, but when you're in a supervisory role, those you're coaching will accept more responsibility and learn more if you help them solve their own problems. These four communication skills move a conversation from focusing on problems to generating solutions:

Active Listening

— Paraphrase: Play back your understanding of what they said. If your restatement is not quite on target, they'll usually clarify.

— Reflect: Confirm what they seem to be feeling. This helps diffuse tension, acknowledges their right to express feelings, and lets them know you support them, even if you disagree.

Open Probing

— Open probes encourage the other to amplify: "Go on." "Tell me more about..." "Give me an example of... " "What did you do/say?" "How did the situation arise?" "You mentioned previously that..." "Remind me again of..."

— Notice also how the way you probe can begin to lead toward solutions: "How do you think it could have been handled better?" "What might happen if... ?" "How do you see ___ being able to improve?"

(NOTE: "Don't you think that...?" is advice in disguise, not a probe.)

Reframing

Instead of focusing on what you don't like, reframe negative statements into a positive. This is not about being "nice." The purpose is to keep your eye on solutions and model how to turn obstacles into opportunities. If someone complains about inconsistencies in top management's priorities, you might say, "You'd like to see things handled differently here."

Both/And Thinking

Most people who are stuck in problems are also using either/or thinking ("It will take too long to do it right"). Move the conversation into both/and thinking:

Mentally determine the two apparent opposites (in this case quality and time).
Ask a question that presumes both are possible ("How might you do both ___ and ___?"). For example, "What could be done in the current timeframe?" or What could we change to make it work in the time remaining?"

How to Give Feedback

2023-12-17T09:47:00.000-05:00

If someone you're trying to give feedback seems defensive in response, take a look at how you're framing your words. Are you using general and blaming terminology? ("You never initiate a conversation about our relationship." "You come across as arrogant." "You've been disrespectful to me.")

It's a natural human response to defend ourselves against feeling we've been wrong or bad. If you really want someone to change, it's vital to frame your comments in a way that bypasses those defenses. The other person needs to be able to take in what you're saying and consider whether they want to change and know how to change.

If someone asks, "Why didn't people warm up to me at the dinner party last night?" saying "Well, you came across as arrogant" will be difficult to hear and accept as true. Even if they can accept it, they might change some behavior that's entirely different from what you meant to point out. What behavior, exactly, seemed "arrogant" to you?

Effective feedback is specific, descriptive, nonjudgmental. It communicates whether or not someone's behavior is "on target" in relation to a shared goal. While the examples below are from work situations, the elements of effective feedback apply equally well in personal relationships:

Instead of judging someone as wrong -- using words like should, always, never, don't -- describe what you've observed.

Judgmental: "You're still not delegating enough."

Descriptive: "We talked about your delegating more to Larry and Helen, yet you're still putting in overtime. Tell me how things are going with them."

Instead of a general comment that's open to interpretation, be specific.

General: "You're not a team player."

Specific: "At the quarterly team meeting last week you noted how you improved profitability but didn't mention the work we put in behind the scenes."
Instead of criticizing the whole person, direct your feedback toward behavior that can be changed.

Personal: "You're a buffoon!"

Behavioral: "Your introduction today took 30 minutes. Your stories were funny, but we were pressed for time, and after about 15 minutes I quit listening because I was anxious to get started."

The simple formula? Describe specific behavior.

Responding to Criticism and Manipulation Without Defensiveness*

2023-12-17T09:46:00.001-05:00

Often other people don't give effective feedback. Even when they're descriptive and helpful, we sometimes feel defensive anyway. In either case, most people think their only options in response are to (1) take it, (2) explain/defend themselves, or (3) fight back.

There is another option. You can agree to a partial truth, agree to a probability, and/or agree in principle, followed in each case by probing for more information.

For example, if someone says you're not serious enough, you could:

Agree to a Partial Truth -- "It's true I'm not as serious as some people we know," followed by, "In what way has that been a problem?" Or "Is there something in particular you suggest I change?"

Agree to a Probability -- "Maybe I haven't been serious enough," followed by, "Tell me more" or "What would you like to see me do differently?"

Agree to a Principle -- "I agree it's important to be serious sometimes," followed by, "What have I done or said that's out of balance?" or "Let's talk about how my being more serious would be helpful here."

It may take a round or two or probing for details and/or moving to a solution before the other person stops making judgmental ("You're not..., you should... you shouldn't") or global statements (what does serious mean to that person in reference to you?). But if you remain non-defensive and show you're open enough to look at yourself honestly, eventually you'll have specific, behavioral feedback. You may or may not choose to act on it, but at least you'll know exactly what the other person is perceiving.

Then you can explain yourself, if necessary, and show your appreciation, if appropriate. Benefits of responding this way:

Even when the other person is being manipulative and/or passive-aggressive, this will lead to a more direct interchange.
Your questions will require the other person to be more specific, less judgmental.
You'll buy some time and lower your defensiveness as you think through which way to respond: Is there some truth to it? Might there be some truth to it? Can I at least agree to an implied principle?
You may learn something about yourself you need to know.
The other person will gain respect for you instead of thinking, "Forget it! You can't tell that person anything!"

*Dr. Manuel Smith calls this technique Fogging (see When I Say No I Feel Guilty and When I Say No I Feel Guilty, Vol. II, for Managers and Executives).

Two Types of Creativity: Kirton Adaption-Innovation Indicator

2023-12-17T09:46:00.000-05:00

In his book Adaptors and Innovators, Dr. Michael Kirton described Adaption-Innovation as a cognitive style, a "preferred mode of tackling problems at all stages." He emphasizes that scores on the Kirton Adaption-Innovation Inventory (KAI), are value-free: "Very high, very low or intermediate KAI scores are neither laudatory nor pejorative." All of us can use both styles of creative problem solving, but we have a preference for either Adaptive/Resourceful or Innovative/Original Creativity.

Adaptive/Resourceful

People who score on the KAI as Adaptive tend to accept the paradigm within which a problem is embedded (current theories, policies, points of view). They're likely to produce a few ideas that aim at continuity with the practices, norms, and current way of doing things, but bring about a better way of doing them. They often (not always) show a preference for Sensing on the MBTI. To be successful over time, most organizations (except the most innovative in their products and/or services) will necessarily be adaptive in their orientation. It's more costly and risky to continually do things in a different way. Kirton remarks that Adaptors are at their best "in the smooth, efficient operation of an existing system; creatively refining, improving, and extending the thinking that underlies it."

Innovative/Original

People who score on the KAI as Innovative tend to "detach the problem from its cocoon of accepted thought," to step out of the "box" or paradigm. They tend to redefine a problem, produce many ideas, break through what the organization perceives as givens and restraints, provide solutions aimed at doing things differently. They often (not always) show a preference for Intuition on the MBTI. While a company is growing and maintaining itself in predictable ways and in a predictable market, innovative solutions are not necessarily preferable; but organizations cannot survive if they're unable to break through with new thinking when necessary.

The Dilemma of Differences

Studies at the Center for Creative Leadership suggest that each problem mode has its advantages, and the most successful organizations (and leaders) are those able to use both problem-solving styles flexibly. In many organizations, though, Innovators experience problems in communication because it's difficult to get others to see outside the box, and they're often met with skepticism.

Perhaps as a consequence, Innovators tend to be condescending to Adaptors, who can be very resourceful and come up with excellent solutions to ongoing problems, but who tend to work within the rules, to seek consensus, and to prefer change that occurs gradually. Thus, Adaptors are often seen by Innovators as unimaginative, stuck, resistant to change, always focused on problems vs. solutions, and/or lacking a view of the big picture.

Because innovative solutions are less easily understood and have unpredictable outcomes, and because such break-through change is threatening, Innovators are often seen by Adaptors as undisciplined, impractical, irreverent, abrasive, and/or insensitive to people. Clearly, a better understanding of these different creative styles -- and the value of each under certain circumstances -- can lead to stronger, more flexible teams and more successful organizations.

Follow Your Nose

2023-12-17T09:44:00.000-05:00

I've sometimes said of myself, “I’m like a mole, I have to smell my way along.” More accurately, I might say “swim my way along” because moles have small eyes and lack external ears. To compensate, their long snouts and paddle-like forefeet allow them to “swim” through the soil.

My learning style is kinesthetic, compared to auditory or visual channels for learning. For example, I tried to learn Adobe InDesign to use in self-publishing e-books. I bought the software. I bought the InDesign book. I had a video tutorial. I did NOT swim along!

In contrast, a friend with an auditory learning style says, “Give me a book and I can learn anything.” He hears the words in his mind, and understands.

A student of music whose learning style is auditory would focus on pitch, rhythm, phrasing, articulation, tempo. Another with a more visual learning style might picture rice being spilled on the floor to remember a certain passage. And a kinesthetic learner might touch the instrument and feel the vibrations or compare the music to the sensation of riding a horse at full gallop.

When I created my first web site many years ago, I bought a package deal, for the consultant to spend a few hours with me setting up the web site and showing me the basics, then to be available a week or so later to answer my questions. He quickly saw how important it was for me to put my fingers on the keyboard and try things out myself. A whole variety of kinesthetic metaphors would fit here. I paced. I tore out my hair. I stumbled. But bit by bit I got the “feel” for it. I nosed my way into it.

So, if you find yourself confused when trying to learn something new, or frustrated when trying to teach someone something new, preferred ways of learning may not have been addressed. Here's a general way to assess a learning style:

*When you*..	Visual	Auditory	Kinesthetic & Tactile
Spell	Do you try to see the word?	Do you sound out the word or use a phonetic approach?	Do you write the word down to find if it feels right?
Talk	Do you favor words such as see, picture, and imagine?	Do you use words such as hear, tune, and think?	Do you use words such as feel, touch, and hold?
Concentrate	Do you become distracted by untidiness or movement?	Do you become distracted by sounds or noises?	Do you become distracted by activity around you?
Meet someone again	Do you forget names but remember faces or remember where you met?	Do you forget faces but remember names or remember what you talked about?	Do you remember best what you did together?
Contact people on business	Do you prefer direct, face-to-face, personal meetings?	Do you prefer the telephone?	Do you talk with them while walking or participating in an activity?
Read	Do you like descriptive scenes. imagine the actions?	Do you hear the characters talk?	Do you prefer action stories?
Do something new	Do you like to see demonstrations, diagrams, slides, or posters?	Do you prefer verbal instructions or talking about it with someone else?	Do you prefer to jump right in and try it?

Creative Problem Solving

2023-12-17T09:43:00.000-05:00

(Based on J.W. Eiseman's "Reconciling 'Incompatible' Positions* and C. Hampden-Turner's Charting the Corporate Mind)

Most conflicts are dealt with by Avoiding, by one party winning (Competing) and the other losing (Accommodating), or by each party giving away something to get something else (Compromising).

However, there is another option -- to reach a creative solution that meets all parties' objectives, generates trust, and gains everyone's support. This level of Collaborating requires letting go of polarized, compartmentalized thinking and opening to perspectives that integrate instead of separate.

Most of us unknowingly operate from a paradigm that includes some sort of resistance as a way to justify what is right or what we desire... and this way of seeking to create one thing by resisting its opposite is what keeps us from fully tapping into an unbridled capacity to create. Debra Wilton-Kinney and Sam House, Polarity Pathways.

The components of creative problem-solving need not be followed in a step-by-step sequence. At times the concepts overlap:

Clarify terminology: Conflicts can often be resolved merely by discovering that each meant something different from what the other thought.
Understand the other's frame of reference (seek information in order to create a vision together). Ask about:
- objectives (articulating these often identifies common goals),
- assumptions (about the relationships among relevant factors),
- options (perception of available choices),
- methods (beliefs about the steps that must be taken to meet objectives),
- values (what is important to the other person; e.g., being fair -- these may be implicit),
- predictions (beliefs/concerns about following the suggestions of others): This can be especially powerful because it is disarming -- instead of trying to persuade others why your ideas are "better" you invite them to clarify what they like and don't like about your (or others') suggestions.
Search for new perspectives:
- Create a continuum whenever two sets of ideas seem opposing (no matter how "opposite" they seem); e.g., instead of "People do/do not have the right to challenge their boss," ask, "Under what circumstances is that particularly wrong?" "When might it be acceptable?" "What might make you respect someone for doing it?" "Under what circumstances would it be wrong not to?"
- Increase the number of dimensions: In the process of creating a continuum you will discover underlying dimensions, each of which may also have seemingly incompatible "opposites" (e.g., "When certain results are critical to our success, people should/should not make independent decisions," or "When one person has more experience, the other does/does not have the right to..." etc.) Then create a continuum for each of these dimensions (e.g., How do you define independent? What would you consider critical circumstances? Under what circumstances would experience play a large factor?).
Be visually and verbally creative--use anything that encourages right-brain thinking (e.g., humor, pictures, metaphors, symbols, analogies); draw/write on a board or flip-chart where everyone can see and build on the ideas being generated.
Search for integrated solutions:
- Develop both/and thinking: Notice when you or others are communicating in either/or terms (good/bad, right/wrong, my way/your way, success/failure, etc.), when you are saying "I can't do X because of Y." Ask "How can I do both X and Y?" Make it a group guideline that anyone can point this out; open up your thinking.
- Connect opposites on a continuum; e.g., if you are arguing whether to focus on the task or focus on the relationship, imagine circumstances where it would be possible to do both at once. How would you go about that?
- State apparently competing perspectives within an integrating question ("How can we...?"); e.g., if you've been arguing competition vs. cooperation, you might ask, "Given the necessity to compete so that we dominate the market, how can we cooperate in a way that strengthens competition?"
Verbalize the degree to which agreement is occurring. It should be clear:
- why the initial positions were embraced,
- why the initial positions appeared incompatible,
- how the current way of thinking reconciles the initial positions.
Map the two perspectives on vertical and horizontal axes.

Focusing

2023-12-17T09:42:00.000-05:00

Eugene Gendlin discovered that. . . successful clients. . . allowed themselves to experience and tolerate feelings that were vague, blurry, and unclear; and they allowed these feelings to unfold in their own time and way. They attended to their inward, bodily-felt world, rather than spinning their mental wheels. Dr. John Amodeo

"Focusing," wrote Dr. Gendlin in his book of the same name, "is a process in which you make contact with a special kind of internal bodily awareness. I call this awareness a felt sense. . . when it comes, it is at first unclear, fuzzy. By certain steps it can come into focus and also change."

The six steps to focusing:

Clear a Space - Relax and pay attention in your body; ask yourself: What's going on with me right now?
Felt Sense - Select one problem, stand back from it, and let yourself feel a sense of it.
Handle - Let a word or phrase or image arise (e.g., heavy); hold it along with the felt sense.
Resonate between the felt sense and the word, phrase, or image; let either change, if it does, until it feels just right (e.g., As if I weigh 300 pounds).
Ask yourself, What is this sense of weighing 300 pounds (or whatever word, phrase, or image fits for your felt sense)?
Receive whatever comes up and notice what happens, even if it's only a slight release.

It doesn't matter whether the body shift comes or not at a given time. It will come on its own as you practice sensing where and how your body holds its concerns.

"If nothing happens, back up and slow down! The most likely difficulty is that you are pushing too hard, expecting too much. See if you can hold the attitude that you are primarily building a trusting relationship with the inner senses in your body. Any information that may come is extra. Be there and be interested." Ann Weiser Cornell, Ph.D., The Power of Focusing: A Practical Guide to Emotional Self-Healing, p. 38.

Whatever You Resist Persists

2023-12-17T09:40:00.000-05:00

My client Jack used to have such acute panic attacks while planning for public speeches he'd go to the emergency clinic, convinced he was dying. He learned to stay with his feelings of panic instead of running from them.

Even though the idea seemed a little crazy to him, every time he started to feel anxious, he'd focus on the specific physical sensations and exaggerate them. To Jack's surprise the symptoms quickly diminished, and he stopped having full-blown panic attacks.

You may have heard the expression, whatever you resist persists. In contrast, every source of resistance responds positively when you welcome it without judgment. Think utilization. You can use whatever happens—blocks, tasks not done, so-called relapses—to see how your patterns play out and to reframe your thinking in ways that invite change.

Gail, for example, wanted to lose ten pounds. She said she'd gained weight because she ate fast, often while standing up. She'd been trying to get herself to eat less by pushing to overcome her eating patterns, telling herself to SLOOOW down! That hadn't worked and she was disappointed in herself.

Looking for a way to go with her stated problem of eating fast, Gail decided to clock her mileage, imagining a gauge where 20 mph is a healthy rate of eating speed, and to do so as a neutral observer, to get to know her eating pattern without self-criticism. After clocking her typical eating rate at 55 mph she agreed to following week to consciously eat at 60 mph, then decrease it by 7 mph, then increase by 3 mph, continuing to experiment with her eating gauge.

Gail had fun reframing her old pattern of focusing on her failures. To her surprise and great delight, she lost three pounds in two weeks without any conscious effort to diet.

Practice

Think of a change you've wanted but haven't accomplished.
If you've tried to stifle or ignore your resistance, find a way to welcome it.
Reframe any self-criticism as an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

From Out of the Box: Self-Coaching Workbook

Lagging on Commitment to Change?

2023-12-17T09:39:00.000-05:00

Five Tips to Help You Stay Focused

Be an objective observer of yourself. Habits are only patterns of behavior. They're not good or bad. If you were an experienced birdwatcher you'd want to identify particular birds, know about their habitat, plumage, shapes. You would not be looking through binoculars and thinking, "Oh no! Those swallows aren't migrating in a perfect V!" A bird is a bird, a pattern is a pattern. Let go of judging yourself. You need to know a pattern before you can change it.
Instead of trying to stop being something you don't want to be (whew! think of all the wasted energy THAT takes), get to know your pattern: How often does it show up? What triggers it? What does it look like? How long does it last? Then what? You'll know you've got it when you can teach someone else exactly how you do it.
When the patterned behavior shows up, stay WITH it. Let's say you have a fiery temper and you promised yourself you'd keep it in check. The next time it gets triggered, notice where in your body you feel the anger and exaggerate that physical sensation ("It's like I'm about to fly apart"). Continue exaggerating the physical sensation until you know the label you've given it is an exact fit ("No, it's like my guts are being torn apart by rabid dogs!"). By the way, by this time, your anger's lessened and you don't have to act on it.
Once you've gotten a grip on your pattern, do it consciously but with one small change. Humor helps. Gail, for example, ate fast while standing and tried to lose 10 lbs. by telling herself to "SLOOOW down!" That didn't work. When challenged to eat fast consciously but with a small change, she "clocked her mileage," increasing her speed from 55 mph to 65 mph and then back down to 25 mph. To her surprise she lost 3 lbs. in two weeks without any conscious effort to diet.
It's quite natural to resist change. Unfortunately, we tend to beat ourselves up when we don't follow through. All that energy you've wasted criticizing yourself just feeds the old pattern. Instead, if you find yourself procrastinating, feeling anxious, losing hope, or being distracted from your goal, recognize these as signs you've challenged a deeply embedded pattern, which means you're on the right path. Go through the first four steps again, and remember: If something you've tried hasn't worked, do something different!

More ideas like these in Out of the Box Self-Coaching Workbook

Are You Trustworthy?

2023-12-17T09:38:00.000-05:00

Effective partners in life and high-performance teams work cooperatively, are guided by shared goals, trust each other, give and receive feedback openly, and take risks/assert themselves with each other.

Below are behaviors that build or lessen trust. For each one, ask yourself Am I more likely to . . .

seek new ideas/information OR act on my own opinions?

help my partner/team-mates OR focus only on my own needs/goals?

listen and play back what I hear OR focus on my own ideas/views?

be above-board, direct OR be indirect, non-disclosing?

tell the truth OR tell partial truths/what I think others want to hear?

say what I'm thinking/feeling OR send mixed signals?

accentuate the positive OR stress the negative?

remain calm under stress OR explode/overreact?

honor my agreements OR behave opportunistically?

see people as individuals OR categorize/stereotype?

show friendliness, compassion OR remain distant, aloof?

give specific, accurate feedback OR give evaluative feedback?

encourage/empower others OR insult, ridicule, diminish others?

Time to Change?

2023-12-17T09:37:00.000-05:00

If you're in a business or personal situation where it's time to change whether you like it or not, you may feel stuck because it all feels so overwhelming. A structure that shows how to fit the pieces together can help.

Cynthia D. Scott and Dennis T. Jaffe's classics, Managing Personal Change and Managing Change at Work, provided practical and clear descriptions of ways to move through a transition.

Their four-stage model shows our typical progression from denial ("Oh, my God, this can't be happening"), through resistance ("I'm sick," "I can't stand this," "How dare they?"), and exploration ("Hmmm, I'm beginning to see some options"), to commitment ("Let's get moving").

You may be stuck in one phase more than another, and you may go back and forth a bit, but it's especially important to not push toward commitment without recognizing the importance of the middle two stages. Anyone who's gone through a sudden downsizing, divorce, or loss of a loved one knows if you rush it, sooner or later the emotional reactions have to be recognized, allowed, and healed so we can be open to new possibilities.

Denial: The natural first reaction is to focus on the past, to question why the change needs to take place, to wish "If only I'd done this or that," to avoid thinking about the future and keep plugging along without getting much done. People can get rigid, hunker down, or even freeze. To help yourself move through this phase, let the reality sink in, one step at a time. Gradually seek information about your options, what exactly will be happening, and specific steps you can take to maintain your stability throughout the transition.

Resistance: It's vital to let your emotions in, recognize any signs of stress such as anger, blame, anxiety, depression, or even losing all interest in your life or work. Find someone who will be encouraging and supportive without hammering you with advice. Write in a journal. Whatever you feel is OK to talk or write about. The purpose here is not to judge or fix anything but rather to acknowledge whatever would otherwise bubble beneath the surface.

Exploration: Once some blocks have been released, new energy will begin to flow. You may still feel a bit overwhelmed, and perhaps you'll find yourself confused or — at the other end of the spectrum — over-preparing, but now you'll begin experimenting with new ways of thinking and operating. Try not to move too quickly to closure. Keep options open, do some brainstorming and visioning, and set short-term goals.

Commitment: You'll know when you're in the new groove, feeling fully engaged with your future, excited about what's unfolding. Fear, anxiety, self-doubt, grief have all been transmuted into energy and growth. Now's the time for longer-term goals, pulling together with your family, group, or work team, and appreciation for the courage and insight you've shown throughout the change.

The Real Deal

2023-12-17T09:35:00.000-05:00

Just as actors with a good director can portray a role that's completely believable to the audience, all of us have developed self-images to fulfill the roles expected of us as children, resulting in habitual, patterned behavior.

Although you may not be conscious of exactly how that happened, you were programmed as surely as if someone said, "Act this way and you will be accepted/ loved/ admired/ protected/ supported/ (add your own word)."

Furthermore, we all want to win the Oscar, so we've learned to interact with others in ways that reinforce the patterns and maintain the image.

To find the real you, the first and most basic practice is neutral self-observation. If you were an experienced birdwatcher you would want to identify particular birds, to know about their habitat, habits, plumage, and shapes. You would not be looking through binoculars and thinking, "Oh no! Those swallows aren't migrating in a perfect V."

A bird is a bird; a pattern is a pattern. Engage your curiosity instead of self-criticism.

More in Out of the Box Self-Coaching Workbook.

Active Imagination

2023-12-17T09:34:00.000-05:00

Carl Jung, in Memories, Dreams, and Reflections, described how therapeutic it could be to translate his own emotions into images (a process now referred to by Jungian therapists as active imagination). He described being visited by a "friend of Gandhi's... a highly cultivated elderly Indian whose guru was a 'commentator on the Vedas who died centuries ago.'"

Jung was a bit embarrassed to talk about this, remarking on the irony that a psychiatrist should discover within himself "the same psychic material which is the stuff of psychosis." He was relieved to realize he'd only experienced "the sort of thing that could happen to others who make similar efforts."

We all talk to ourselves, but we sometimes do that as part of a negative cycle of worry, blame, or guilt. Active imagination personifies the "parts" of us that are talking – to create more clarity or even resolution that might not be possible with ordinary linear problem-solving.

Anything could stimulate active imagination. You might be seeking clarity on a key decision, or puzzled by an emotional reaction you've had to someone, or curious about a dream you've had. Here's how one of my clients used active imagination to help resolve her performance anxiety.

Sue had always loved giving pep talks to her own team, so when she was promoted to Vice President, she was surprised to find herself "freezing" when required to give formal presentations in the corporate Board Room.

While agonizing over this, she had a dream in which her aging mother wanted to die and asked Sue to kill her. Sue imagined herself talking to the mother in her dream and wrote down the conversation below. This dialogue is fascinating because it shows the creativity of active imagination – it can move in any direction if you just let yourself go:

Sue to Dream Mother: "Why are you here? What role are you playing in this dream?"

Mother: "Think of the pampas grass in your yard and how you're attracted to it, the way it grows luxurious, seductive, how it feathers itself for attention, how it says, 'Look at me! Look at me!'"

Sue: "I know I want to be heard, I want to make a good impression. But why are you showing up in my dream?"

Mother: "I'm the mother in you who tells you your wishes and what you have to say are unimportant. Everyone loves me because I'm nice, because I hide my critical nature, because I'm not aggressive, because I have no voice."

Sue: "Why are you asking me to kill you?"

Mother: "It's time for you to 'kill' your fear of speaking out, your urge to be 'nice' at the expense of your own wishes and ideas. Meditate on loving what's within, discover your voice is already there, you speak from it every day of your life. Speak to the part of you who doesn't yet see that."

Sue: "It's hard to find that part, to give form to how hard it is to speak out. I picture a murky cloud."

Cloud: "I'm murky because the sun feels blinding. I'm not sure if I can stand the excitement. I've covered the sun so long I've lowered my tolerance for energy, for light, for seeing things clearly, and for saying things clearly.

Sue: "So, how can I move past that?"

Cloud: "Picture yourself in the space where you're anxious. Imagine the light is set low on a dimmer. Slowly turn the dimmer up until your eyes get used to the bright light."

This internal dialogue helped Sue better understand the nature of her anxiety. She also used the visualization as she prepared her next Board Room presentation. She was delighted (and a little surprised) that her anxiety dimmed as she allowed herself to shine.

A New Groove

2023-12-17T09:33:00.000-05:00

Even if you don’t have children or grandchildren, even if you’ve already seen it, see it again: “The Emperor’s New Groove.” In this movie, Emperor Kuzco wants to maintain his groove, his groove being all about him. This is akin to your Enneagram personality patterns wanting what they want (Kuzco represents all of us at our most entranced). He’s decided to give himself the birthday present of a water park on a beautiful mountain top, which happens to be occupied by one of the villages in his kingdom. No matter. Let the villagers find another home!

There’s a slight wrinkle in Kuzco’s plan, however. His recently fired administrator, Yzma – in a botched assassination attempt by her man Kronk – turns the Emperor into a llama. As you watch the movie, let your right brain associate with the primal (llama) nature of change and notice how Kuzco gradually develops a new groove, one that returns him to his previous self but in a more fully human form. In Kuzco’s association with the village chief and llama herder, Pacha, you’ll see the evidence for what ancient yogis knew:

Insight is relatively ineffective in deconstructing habitual behavior… The very way we breathe holds our patterns in place, “a kind of habitual, automatic, mechanized process… these ruts in the road… can only be effectively disrupted by… direct physiological retraining. First, simply call attention to the process – without judgment of any kind… second, engage in activities that intentionally disrupt the pattern….” (Stephen Cope, The Wisdom of Yoga)

Habitual behavior changes when you experience old patterns in new ways – not by ignoring or trying to overcome the ways you don’t want to be, but by embracing, moving with, learning from, and thus releasing the patterns that have held you captive.

“The genius of the yogic strategy is the understanding that resistance and reactivity to patterns just create more problems: the Tar Baby Effect,” writes Stephen Cope. Remember the Uncle Remus stories? The more Bre’r Rabbit tried to get free of the doll made of tar and turpentine, the more stuck he got. Emperor Kuzco runs into the same problem – the more imperiously and selfishly he acts (even as a llama!) – the more he's stuck.

In Chapter 7 of James Zull’s The Art of Changing the Brain, Zull offers a revealing story about the power of right-brain learning:

“Science hadn’t been Mary’s thing up to then. My course was a venture in a new direction, and even though she was bright, she soon hit a roadblock. The topic was protein folding. Esoteric as it sounds, it is almost impossible to understand biochemistry without a grasp of this subject, and Mary really struggled. Then one day she came into class more agitated than usual. ‘I figured it out,’ she said, ‘I finally found the right connection!’

"I laughed out loud when she explained, ‘Yesterday I saw a duck in the pond by my dorm. All at once, I remembered when I was a kid on our farm. My brothers would put a duck in a tub of water that had a cup of detergent dissolved in it. The duck would begin to swim around, and then it would sink to the bottom, quacking in terror! It was gross!’ ‘Don’t you see, Dr. Zull?’ she exclaimed. ‘The duck sank because the detergent dissolved away the oil on its feathers. That’s how a duck floats. The oil on its feathers keeps it on top of the water! That is exactly what happens with protein folding. The oily parts float away from the water!’

"She was right. Exactly right! And from that time on, Mary began to excel in biochemistry. In fact it became her career. That connection between a duck and biochemistry changed her life!”

I hasten to add, no ducks were sacrificed for this story. So, fire up your neurons. Go watch a movie. Groove!

Step Out of the Box

2023-12-17T09:32:00.001-05:00

Have you typically tried to ignore or overcome your pesky patterns of behavior and then been frustrated when they crept up on you again? Without realizing it, you’ve been giving energy to those unwanted patterns, feeding them a tasty banquet with all the attention you’ve put toward not being someone you don’t want to be!

You can stay with your patterns and add a twist to get unstuck. For example, Greg was a college professor who loved mental gymnastics but wasn’t very comfortable with emotions, and dreaded holiday get-togethers. His wife Suzanne thought his relatives were somewhat cold and arrogant, and invariably a member of his family would say something that upset her during their visit. She would then go into what he called “a dramatic meltdown.” Greg’s response? He didn’t want to talk about it with Suzanne; he just wanted to hide. This upset her even more, which increased his desire to withdraw. He wanted her to stop reacting “so emotionally.” She wanted him to “quit being so intellectual and support her.”

Greg realized this interaction pattern wasn’t very effective and he thought of a way to break the pattern: when with his family, he and Suzanne would find a private space and take ten minutes every hour, so she could vent and he would take her feelings seriously. Greg loved the idea of expecting and planning time for Suzanne to blow off steam, because he wouldn't be distracted wondering when or how it might happen. Suzanne responded positively because he was acknowledging her right to her feelings about his family. As it turned out, they didn’t need to take ten minutes every hour. Just knowing they could do it broke them out of the box. “That outing,” Greg later said, “turned out to be our very best family visit. While we hoped to be able to make it through two days, we actually stayed three days extra.”

You can experience similar, surprisingly easy, solutions when you hold up a mirror to aspects of yourself you’ve wished weren’t there.

Practice

1. Write down one pattern of behavior – a response typical of you – that has caused you some difficulty. Be thorough and descriptive. In what ways have you tried to ignore or overcome this problem?

2. Invite the pattern by simply paying attention to it. How often does it show up? What seems to trigger it? What does it look like? What are its variations? Be a mirror to yourself, speaking in descriptive terms without self-criticism. Do this for several days. Write down what you've learned.

3. Now think of a small way you could change the pattern. For the remainder of the week, consciously repeat the patterned behavior with that one small change. Write down what you’ve learned.

(NOTE: This is the first practice section in Out of the Box Self-Coaching Workbook. If hiring a coach isn't possible because you're strapped for time or money, completing the exercises and readings in the workbook could take you exactly where you want to go.)

Life is a Rorschach

2023-12-17T09:32:00.000-05:00

You've probably heard of the Rorschach Test, where people are asked to interpret the meaning of inkblot shapes, demonstrating how we interpret ambiguous circumstances.

Dr. Michael Yapko uses the Rorschach as a metaphor for how we project our assumptions onto our life experiences:

"... like an inkblot – an 'experiential Rorschach,' so to speak – Life doesn't have an objective or assigned meaning. We give it meaning by our individual values, beliefs, relationships, careers, hobbies, and other life experiences" (introduction to Breaking the Patterns of Depression).

There's not much value in getting caught up with "what I might have done to bring on these circumstances." What works is to identify your patterns of behavior, focus on solutions and on the future, and build the skills that help you cope better with all that life brings.

These suggestions are based on exercises from Yapko's book:

What are some recent situations where your behavior did not reflect your feelings... how might you express your true feelings more directly?
To make your illness less amorphous, create a symbolic image of your experience of it, using paints, or crayons, or whatever else you have at hand.
If your disease had a color, what would it be? Size or shape? Texture? How strong is it – how might it be eliminated as an adversary?
We learn our values as children, and not all of them work in our favor. Make a list of your values, their source, and how you express them in your life. (For example, did you learn to value emotional expressiveness or emotional containment? Taking risks or being safe?)
Do you reject parts of yourself? List your "negative" characteristics, then write out at least three examples of situations where these aspects of yourself can have positive value.

Glimpses of Greater Knowledge

2023-12-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

In her introduction to Inner Knowing, Helen Palmer described an incident of her own inner knowing when she was involved in resistance to the Vietnam War: she knew a friend must take a route across the Canadian border different from the one planned (“My imagination became as believable and solid as the furniture in my room”).

Those who took the original route, she found out later, were arrested.

So how to develop this thinking without thinking?

First, picture how you'll function with greater intuition: generating many ideas without constraint, seeking broad possibilities, looking for connections, playing with even the wildest insights, following hunches.

Then notice and loosen current patterns of thinking that may be limiting your intuition. Do you tend to judge people for voicing "incorrect" facts? Do you look to others to confirm your ideas? Do you make snap decisions? Do you discount your intuitions because they're typically not believed? Do you consider only "relevant" facts (relevance defined by what you think you already know)? Do you tend to focus only on negative possibilities? Do you fail to follow through on your intuitions? Do you refuse to consider others' hunches? Do you question your own intuitive ability?

In an interview with Helen Palmer, Cultivating and Applying Intuition, Dr. Jeffrey Mishlove referred to an exercise where Palmer "handed each person an object sealed in an envelope and said, 'OK, here, describe the history of the object,' with no preparation... I remember I was very accurate."

This reminded me of a workshop I co-led years ago called "Practical Magic." We all brought in paper bags containing an object from our kitchens and paired up to practice intuiting what was in the partner's bag. The person whose bag was under scrutiny was to concentrate on what was inside without saying a word or offering any nonverbal encouragement. When it was my turn to imagine what was in my partner's bag, I allowed my mind to drift and said "It's like a knife, but not exactly a knife." Then I saw "It's red." Though unable to capture a specific image, I was surprised and excited to realize my intuition was relatively accurate when my partner showed me the item: a Swiss Army Knife with a red handle.

Further thoughts on intuition from Helen Palmer in the Mishlove interview:

"Well, the nonlinear; the irrational always has a tinge of madness attached to it ... So I understand when it is seen as an irrational function, but I don't see it that way once it's become stabilized, just as an integrated function that everyone has access to...

"The realm of intuition has many, many aspects to it, and the psychic world is maybe the most easily available to people as they first begin to shift their attention into other states of consciousness... Very commonly people experience a kind of precognition or a kind of empathy in relationship they realize did not come from their thinking personality... they become curious as to how to stabilize or get re-entrance into that kind of... entering experiences. The most common, I think, is the exchange of feelings with another person... so that you are as the other is... rather than a close match between what the other has described and your own approximation... Precognitive dreams are much more common than most people realize, being able to enter a dream state voluntarily and know ahead of time an event as it will be played out.

"Now, these sound from the conceptual part of the self like very advanced abilities, and when you start training or working with your attention, you go inside, they're actually very simple things. They're not so far out or so difficult to achieve."

Know Yourself

2023-12-16T22:02:00.000-05:00

The word resistance often has a negative connotation. But resistance is simply opposition to change, neither good nor bad. If people don't do what you want them to do, you may feel critical when you say, "They're resisting." But they have reasons in their own view of the world that make it seem sensible to challenge your suggestions.

In the same way, your unconscious has its own logic about resisting change. Psychologically, resistance is a natural process that protects you from experiencing anxiety. Yet it's quite natural to feel some form of anxiety when trying something new. Thus, the process of resistance can work so well and keep you so safe, you may sabotage the very change you want most.

For example, when you decide to make a change, you might find yourself:

procrastinating for fear of not doing it right,
feeling discomfort over unveiling yourself or accessing your deepest needs,
wanting to move too quickly to results without working the process,
stopping from fear of failure or lack of hope,
doubting the value of changing,
feeling anxious/antsy ("I don't have time for this" or "I don't have to actually do what's suggested; I can just read about it")
wanting to think about it more, instead of just trying it,
not being willing to admit weakness or vulnerability,
being distracted by something else or not knowing what you want.

If you experience these or similar reactions, congratulations — you're on the right track! You've challenged some deeply embedded patterns. In fact, a strong reaction is most likely evidence of an area you particularly need to address to break "out of the box."

More in Out of the Box: Self-Coaching Workbook.