When I was a teen, I would wear bikinis to the beach and hangout with my friends and family without worrying about the questions that have plagued me in recent years:

Do I look fat?
Do I need to suck it in?
How far away can I sit from the girls who used to be me?

At some point, I started wearing the tankinis with skirts “because everybody’s doing it,” I told myself.

I don’t know when I graduated to the supposed-to-be-sexy swim dress. Let’s be honest, nobody looks all that sexy in a swim dress.

Finally, my sarong became my constant companion at the beach.

This week, I decided I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of caring that someone will notice I’m not 16 anymore.  I’m tired of feeling bad about myself and acting as if a swim skirt, masking my body, can mask my inner thoughts.  Ridiculous.  I’m wearing more clothes at the beach not only in an effort to hide from other people, but also hide from myself.

Let’s speak the truth, shall we?  The swim skirt is like shining a flashlight on my insecurities.  It’s not hiding anything.

There is a much more important question to ask than the superficial questions above:  What’s up with the hiding? 

What are you trying to hide?  

Our clothes matter, no doubt.  When we feel good about what we’re wearing, we feel unstoppable.  Almost like a fantastic sweater, or well fitting swimsuit, gives us a superpower.  That sweater gives us a superpower called confidence; only the biggest thing that sets apart the people who struggle incessantly and those that seem to create success at every turn.

Let’s go back into the closet and pick out a less than flattering item, but is an old favorite.  How often, when you reach for a sweater, are you pulling out the biggest, most cozy sweater you own, knowing that it practically swallows you up, but also covers all of the bumps and lumps.  You love this sweater.  Problem is it shrinks you… not to mention that you also kind of look like a walking marshmallow.

What happens when your clothes cover up who you are and you start to lead, and make daily choices, with shame?

You stop looking pulled together and worse, you stop feeling it.
You begin to feel invisible and make choices that continue the cycle.
You hide your most vulnerable truth not only from others, but also from yourself.
You lose sight of your most authentic self and become out of touch with who you truly are.
People start to look past you, instead of seeing you, faults and all.

Flash back again to when I was a teen, my Mom gave me some solid advice when I was recovering from the flu.  She told me it was time to get dressed, put on something that made me feel good, pop on some lipstick and I’ll feel better.  I’d have more energy and a more positive outlook on life.  Looking at her with my pjs on and unwashed hair I had my doubts, but it turns to she was right.

It doesn’t really matter if you’re a man or a woman, I’ll bet you have your “swim dress moments.”  You put it on to hide, blend and make invisible something on the inside as much as on the outside.

At work, for many men, the equivalent of the swim dress is wearing a necktie on a daily basis when everyone else is casual.  (If that’s you, sorry if you’re offended)  Costumes are a part of becoming the part, yet there are times they’re a cover up, not an intentional, powerful choice.  I wonder, does the tie make him feel smarter?  More compassionate or creative?  Maybe it simply helps him push down his insecurities and show the world: ”See!  I deserve to be here!”

“Dude,” I want to tell him, “you deserve to be here tie or no tie.  If the tie is tied to confidence, wear it till the cows come home, but at some point, you need to learn to be confident without it too.”

Take a moment to consider, at home, when you’re supposed to be able to breathe and let it all hang out, are you spending more time than you should complaining about how others are holding you back?  How you know you can do more, but are just never given the chance?  How you feel bad about yourself or your body or your relationship…

[Tweet “What you tell yourself is the truth becomes your truth”]

As a leader, are you willing to stop hiding and start accepting?

Accept who you are.
Accept others as they are.
Accept that hiding will never, ever, ever take you were you want to go.

Break the Frame Action:

No pictures necessary, but ask yourself:  What are you trying so desperately to hide, that all you’re truly doing is shining a light on what’s underneath?

Will today be the day that you trade in your version of the swim dress and confidently step out in to the world as YOU?  You rock, you know, just as you are.  Will you join me?

If you stop showing up as you because you think others are better, or you’re not good enough, it’s time for a change.

No more hiding from yourself.

Don’t get stuck in your stories, it’s time to give yourself permission to write a new ending.

If you feel stuck in a story that’s no longer serving you, it’s time to break the frame and make a new choice.  Check out my eCourse Get Unstuck and Choose to Move for inspiration and action.

The post Dude, You’re Awesome. What Are You Trying to Hide? appeared first on Alli Polin | Break The Frame.

The windshield was so smudged and grimy; I could hardly see out the front window in the bright sunlight. Looking for a less blurred section, I noticed friend’s initials smeared onto the glass, probably a remnant of McDonald’s run for french fries. 

I decided I wouldn’t clean it for the young driver in my household but instead let her take responsibility for the mess and the resolution. After all, how long could she drive around with a clouded splodge in front of her face every time she got into the car. 

Ok, if you’re a parent or someone who was once a teenage driver, you probably know the answer to the question of “how long can they tolerate…”

The answer is an incredibly long time. 

We do it too, us adults. We stare at life through a haze and accept that as our reality. 

This is all there is. 

I can’t see beyond this moment. 

What’s next? No clue?

The future? It’s cloudy. 

I’m confused but don’t want to let anyone know since they’re clear. 

There are a million more just like the statements above I’ve heard from coaching clients, friends, and I admit, from myself too. 

It’s as if you get so used to living with a low level of murkiness that you stop seeking clarity. Who’s with me?

You can accept current circumstances AND work to change them by taking outer action and doing inner work. 

When you live for a long time with inconvenience, you learn to integrate it (this is not changeable, so I better suck it up) and ignore it (That old mess? It’s been there forever) at the same time. 

You Can Uncover Clarity and Ditch the Fuzz

Here’s how you create change in your life when you’re tired of looking through the blurred windshield in front of you:

1. Ask yourself: What do I want? What’s holding me back? 

2. Identify tiny actions to take you incrementally closer to what you want.

Before trying to frantically do a zillion things and seeing what happens, take a moment to figure out what you want. What does your ideal work and life look like? Feel like? Who’s there with you? What are you doing? Let your mind wander and don’t talk yourself out of what pops into your head – go with it.

Now that you have some new clarity and energy around a potential vision, it’s time to put it into motion. Change happens when you take one tiny step after another. I mean, sure, you could make a giant leap, but we all know what happens with New Year’s resolutions – that all-or-nothing mindset is rarely sustainable. 

Identify tiny steps. Think about each step like a rung on a ladder. The next step is far less scary because you don’t have as far to reach. Stop worrying about the top of the ladder and focus on the very next rung. 

What is one tiny action you can take TODAY? Don’t think about it over the next week. What is one thing that you are willing to do? Read a book for 10 minutes before bed? Close your laptop for 30 minutes before the kids go to sleep? Walk the dog? 

Whatever you choose does not have to be radical; you just have to do it. Every day you get to choose, will you do that tiny action again and again until it becomes a habit? Will you layer on another tiny action?

Change Takes More than Doing, You Also Need some Inner-Knowing

Remember, there is outer action and inner work. Don’t underestimate Step One above.

You can journal. 

Work with a coach. 

Talk to your mentor, partner, or trusted advisor.

Reflect in a quiet space. 

Meditate. 

Tune into your inner knower when you’re not clear on your next step. Clarity takes time, exploring, and patience.

Don’t underestimate the power of checking in with your gut as you navigate the road ahead. Find a regular check-in strategy that feels authentic for you. Some people hate journaling, others love it. Coaches are a great fit for some but not for all. There is no one right way forward.

Sometimes You Need A Helping Hand

As for our shared car, the one that my teen and her buddies have mucked up, I took a tiny step. Today, I went into the garage with a bottle of Windex and some paper towels in hand. Sometimes, you don’t realize how blurred your view of the world is until someone helps you clear the way to see new possibilities.

Today, someone may help you uncover some hidden truths. Tomorrow, you may choose to be the person who helps someone else on their journey. The key is to recognize that what you thought was clarity may be smears of french fry grease that you’ve gotten used to living with instead of clearing away.

Isn’t it time you clean your windshield and determine if you’re headed where you want to go, or turn the wheel and follow a new road?

The post You Thought It Was Clarity. Turns Out You Got Used to the View. appeared first on Alli Polin | Break The Frame.

We all know someone with a pair of favorite jeans in the back of the closet “just in case they fit again.” No thought given to changing style trends; they’re there, taking up physical and mental space. For me, it wasn’t jeans in the closet but a house in Virginia.

Nine years ago, my family and I moved overseas. We tearfully packed away our six-year-old son’s favorite train table and polar express train, and we promised our nearly nine-year-old daughter that her trundle bed would see a lot of action when we returned. TVs from before the flat screen era, tchotchkes, and treasures were all boxed and stored. We whispered promises of a return. 

We also said goodbye to friends and family and told them we’d return to our Virginia-based lives in two or three years max. We planned to move back into our family home and temporarily welcomed renters. 

Over the years, we’ve moved in and out of apartments and sold homes. Usually, you sell one and move into your new one – letting go and moving on. Simple. This time, with our family home in Virginia, we physically moved out and mentally pressed pause. 

This was the house where we celebrated birthdays and brought our baby home from the hospital. We can still hear echoes of our children’s joyful giggles as we look at old pictures. Truth is, if we flung open the front door tomorrow, we wouldn’t be stepping back in time with our young children in tow. Giggles have given way to more mature laughter, our kids older, and our lives not what we imagined when we signed on the dotted line to purchase our dream home. 

There is no pause button in life, no freeze-frame. You can take your time, but you can’t stop time. 

For nine long years, we told ourselves we would move back into that house. Today, we signed a contract to sell it. 

Here Are the Most Important Leadership Lessons I Learned from Selling A House

I thought that selling my house would be a transaction; that’s it. After all, it’s a financial asset. What was unexpected was the emotions and anxiety. However, the best part, besides selling quickly and for a good price, was what I re-learned in the process. It’s easy to be so busy with managing day-to-day tasks that you forget some of the most important leadership lessons. Selling my house was a great reminder.

There is no going back.

People in varied circumstances imagine going back – to a company where they once worked, to an old flame or old house. What’s often forgotten is that time does not stand still. You change; the people and organizations you’ve left have also changed. Old memories do not mirror new realities. A return could be better or worse, but never the same. 

An idealized past should remain there – in the past. Even if you return, you’re starting a new beginning from today, not picking up where you left off. 

That safety net may not be serving you.

I’ve coached people who left the security of their company jobs to be their own boss. Some of them made the transition, and others did not. However, almost all of them imagined that if it didn’t work out, they’d go back into their old positions or at least into the fields they left behind. Imagine how things would be different if you closed the door to your past and embraced your present? What would that mean? How would that change your mindset?

When you leave an old door open when opening the next, all it does is create a draft.

The value you put on memories is not the market value.

Our daughter told us not to take less than a million for our family home. We broke the news to her that we’re not in that price bracket but appreciated the thought. Our memories are not what people are paying for when they buy our house; they’re priceless. Similarly, when moving from one company to the next, people want your experience but not the constant sharing of fond memories from the past. Every organization is different and what worked in one is not a perfect fit for the next. If you’re starting every other sentence with “where I used to work…” and droning on for ten minutes about what made it so wonderful where you used to be employed, stop. (The same holds for a new romantic partner too.)

Focus on where you are and cherish the memories of where you’ve been without constantly comparing them. 

Staging sells. 

Our house was empty once the renters moved out, but we hired a stager. We wanted to help people imagine what it would be like to live there instead of staring at empty walls and freshly vacuumed carpet. On the flip side, other homes on the market looked like the owners lived in them for 25 years and had so much clutter; that there was no room to picture anyone else in the space. The bones of the house, in both cases, didn’t change, but the way buyers experienced them did. Like a new home, people around you notice how you present yourself before discovering the nuances of your personality that take more time to learn.

You can be authentic and curated. Be thoughtful about how you present yourself to the world and the impact that you have on others. Don’t forget that relationships start with superficial attraction but flourish on a deeper level.

Your partner matters immensely.

My husband and I have worked with real estate agents we’d never recommend even to our enemy. This time, our outstanding agent reminded us of the impact of working with someone who’s not only great at their job but enjoys what they do. When you interview for a new position or find yourself drifting towards a new social circle, think about who will surround you.  Will they bring out your best or worst qualities? Inspire you to push towards your goals or coast?

The people around you either inspire you to be and do your best, or they don’t. You deserve to have the greatness in you energized by those closest to you. 

Good enough exists. 

If you’re a perfectionist, I know you’ll hate this one. Are you someone who believes you could always do more? Never satisfied with the final product? When you’re selling your house, you have to learn to be comfortable investing in improvements with a close eye on ROI. You could spit on a rock and polish it for ages, but it will never be a mirror even if it shines more brightly. Our house looked amazing by the time we got it ready for sale. If we lived there, would we have done more? Not going to lie; we probably would. Should we have done more? No.

Develop an awareness of the point of no return and recognize when you’ve done as much as you can without doing more than you should for the circumstances. 

Decisions bring peace.

Whether it’s selling a house, changing jobs, or moving on from or into a new relationship, thinking about the change takes a lot of energy. It’s stressful. Sleep suffers, work suffers, and you’re caught in the in-between. When you finally decide, that’s it. Do you know what happens next? Peace. Not every choice needs to be forever but moving in any direction, being brave enough to step into an unknown future, brings calmness and clarity and opportunities that were out of reach in the indecision zone.

There are few things in life that can’t be undone. Don’t let fear of making the wrong move paralyze you.

My husband and I settle on the house next month and are now, after nine years, letting go of the “if it doesn’t work out in Australia, we always have that house in Virginia” mindset. Don’t even get me started about all of our belongings still comfortably resting in climate-controlled long-term storage. We’ll get there. One step at a time is what gets you across the finish line. 

Could today be the day to toss those jeans and buy a new pair that makes you feel fabulous just as you are? You deserve to step into the present instead of waiting to fit back into your past.

The post The Most Important Leadership Lessons I Learned from Selling a House appeared first on Alli Polin | Break The Frame.

It finally happened. No more supporting roles only for me. A director cast me as a lead. 

At one of our early read-throughs, the director turned to me and asked, “Why do you keep doing that?”

“Doing what?” I questioned. 

“Your voice goes up at the end of your sentences.”

Huh. News to me. 

I did not make my voice rise at the end of my sentence on purpose; it wasn’t a conscious choice. Had I spent years turning the period at the end of my sentences into question marks?

For the production, I had to change quickly. The same held true off of the stage. Speaking with authority meant communicating my convictions, so people knew I meant it, not sounding as if I doubted my words the second they came out of my mouth. 

Are You Speaking in Question Marks or Embodying Your Confidence and Authority?

Last week I listened to a client during a coaching session. The words they said were: “I can do it.” 

The huge question mark I heard from their voice going up at the end of their statement said: “Maybe I can do it. I’m not sure. I guess I’ll say it because I know I’m supposed to, but we’ll see.” Talk about sabotaging your confidence!

“Do you believe what you’re saying?”

“I do,” they said, and it sounded a lot more like, “I do?”

It was clear that as much as we needed to work on what kept them stuck, they also needed awareness of their tendency to “upspeak.” Upspeak is when someone’s tone rises at the end of their sentence turning statements into questions. 

How to Know if You’re Sabotaging Your Confidence and Authority with Upspeak?

Ask a few people you trust. 

Depending on your level in the organization, the people around you may hesitate to provide you feedback even when asked. Reach out to the truth-tellers at work and in your personal life and inquire: “When I speak, do I frequently sound like I’m asking a question when I’m clearly not asking one?”

Record yourself speaking. 

Maybe you have a presentation to practice, or perhaps you can watch the playback of a recorded Zoom call. You can always pull out your phone or laptop, grab a book, hit record, and start reading. 

Even without recording, what do you notice?

Maintain an awareness of your speaking, paying attention to your intonation. Pay attention with family, colleagues, on conference calls, and in person. 

When you catch yourself in upspeak, what’s happening internally?

For some, upspeak is a habit, and they use it frequently. However, for many, upspeak is an indication of their internal state; confidence lagging their voice goes up. 

What did you discover? Ask yourself: 

Do I need to make a change in both my inner life and external communication?

Am I mirroring the way of speaking of the people around me?

Do I sound like I believe what I’m saying?

When I am making a statement, do people often respond to me as if I’ve asked a question?

Climbing the Change Ladder – The Four Stages of Competence

Change is not a light switch. We don’t flick the switch and declare ourselves fully entrenched in our new behaviors or thoughts. Change is a lot more like climbing a staircase. 

Whether you’re working on an organizational change program or making a personal change in your life or leadership, we all climb the same staircase. 

Unconscious Incompetence

Conscious Incompetence

Conscious Competence

Unconscious Competence

Bottom line is that you will never change what you’re unaware that you’re doing. 

If you are a chronic or even periodical upspeaker but have no idea, you’re on the first step. You may be sabotaging your confidence and authority and have no idea you’re doing it. As soon as you develop awareness, you’re already on step two. That’s when the hard work kicks in – developing new habits and creating lasting change. 

The Way You Communicate Establishes Your Leadership Presence

Your voice expresses your confidence and authority and determines your leadership presence. Do not sabotage your career prospects by convincing yourself it’s acceptable, or you’ve always used upspeak, and nobody told you to stop. 

If you are ready to step more fully into your confidence and authority, the staircase is there for you to climb. Be prepared, it’s unlikely to be a sprint, but it’s worth taking the first step. 

The post How to Stop Sabotaging Your Confidence and Authority appeared first on Alli Polin | Break The Frame.

We live in a modern-day Field of Dreams. If you hang a cyberspace shingle, they will come. Sometimes they do, in droves, and yet there’s a price to be paid beyond the final invoice. 

Companies hire them. Individuals trust them. You know who they are – the self-proclaimed expert who’s better at marketing than doing the work. 

We’ve all been there. The job complete, there’s an undercurrent of dissatisfaction that ranges from “WTF did I just pay for?” to “Do I need to hire someone else to fix this?” to “Forget it. Let’s move on and never speak of it again.” 

I have trees that look like a three-year-old was set loose with a pair of scissors. My handyman fixes look more like a child’s attempt to cover up what they broke with some glue and mom’s nail polish than a professional job. Of course, there are the wires that permanently hang out of my wall, thanks to the expert who told me he’d “bundle them up” instead of removing them.

When an expert isn’t an expert, damage is done. Work is done poorly, and we begin to think that’s as good as we’re going to get. 

Why do mediocre experts still get a ton of work?

Let’s hold our horses right here. 

Not every job requires an expert. Someone who is growing their skills and committed to excellence has a place as a respected professional worth hiring. Moreover, someone mid-career or even motivated and well trained can do great work. Let’s not knock the future experts of the world. 

However, when you want someone who’s been there and done that more times than they can count, you want an expert. 

If you head over to Webster’s Dictionary, they include a key word in their definition: mastery. 

adjective

1. One with the special skill or knowledge representing mastery of a particular subject.

Keep holding those horses…

There are “experts” out there who have been doing what they do for years and years and doing a mediocre job of it. Why do they still get hired? Are they experts? Do they demonstrate mastery?

1. A slick shingle.
   
2. Limited choices.
   
3. People are embarrassed that they hired them and the work wasn’t done well, so they don’t tell others.
   
4. The business has grown, and while the founder is strong, the subcontractors or newer team members (who deliver to you) do not have the same knowledge, skills, and abilities. 
   
5. We get used to mediocrity, and it ultimately meets our lowered expectations.

When an expert isn’t an expert, you need to make a decision.

Before you jump into hiring or engaging your next expert, ask yourself: 

• Is your runway long or short?
  
• Is there room to learn and grow, or do you need mastery from day one?
  
• Are you hiring a contractor, consultant, or permanent employee?

After you’ve brought the expert on board, what will you do when you discover that your expert isn’t such an expert after all? 

• Fire them?
  
• Provide coaching?
  
• Change their responsibilities?
  
• Change your expectations?

Another thing that happens when you hire a so-called expert is you feel stupid – you’ve been had. Then, often you’ll shift blame from the expert who didn’t deliver to yourself. Suddenly, your self-talk takes a turn for the worse… You shouldn’t have wasted the money, should have tried to do it on your own, and did a poor job vetting. True or not, beating yourself up won’t change the outcome. It’s not your fault you engaged someone who wasn’t the right fit for the job. 

What now? Fix it or live with it?

There are probably more self-styled experts than actual experts, and for most of us, it’s hard to discern between the two. 

However, when you need the job done, you can find the right match for your needs. 

• Accept that not everyone who calls themselves an expert is an expert.
  
• Instead of grumping and groaning, identify the gap between your expectations and what was delivered. Address it head-on with your expert. If they can’t meet your needs, find someone who can.
  
• Ask your network for references for the experts that they would recommend without hesitation – not just who they’ve used in the past.
  
• Get clear on what you need so you can clearly express it to others.
  
• Ask the expert if they understand your needs and get them to restate it back to you to ensure you’re on the same page.
  
• Don’t be afraid to terminate the relationship. If time and time again your expert is missing the mark, they’re not the right expert for you.
  

What have you done when you’ve engaged the expert who isn’t an expert after all? What’s your advice?

The post What Happens When You Hire an Expert Who isn’t an Expert? appeared first on Alli Polin | Break The Frame.