Break Up Advice from BrokenHeartedGirl.com

Our Blog Has Moved!

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 14 May 2009 18:38:00 +0000

We have moved our blog to http://breakupadvice.wordpress.com. Sorry for the inconvenience, but rest assured that the new blog contains ALL of the posts that were contained in this blog AND MORE!!

Thanks again for your patronage,

MJ Acharya
http://www.brokenheartedgirl.com
http://www.brokenheartedguy.com

Not Over Your Ex Yet? Blame Technology.

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 01:26:00 +0000

Getting over a breakup has always been hard. But with the advent of technology, it’s even more difficult to get over an ex. Here are a few ways people unintentionally delay their breakup recovery by clinging to technology, and tactics to avoid them.

Re-reading every single email he ever sent. Some women do this every single day for weeks, months or even years; searching for a clue she may have missed, finding a sentence she may have typed that he misunderstood and tormenting herself with “what-if’s” and “remember when’s?”

What can you do? Read the emails when you’re in the initial “pity party” stage of your recovery and then delete them. Also delete the messages from your sent box. If you absolutely cannot do bring yourself to do this, then forward them all to a trusted friend to keep until a later date.

Saving old text messages in your phone. Just like re-reading his emails, viewing his old texts over and over again is will prolong your agony.

What can you do? Delete his old text messages and while you’re at it, delete his number from your phone. This is going to be hard to do, but keep in mind that erasing his number and his texts will put you on the road to recovery. If this is too hard, then try erasing one text per day until they are all removed.

Checking his MySpace or Facebook page. This is probably one of the worst ways that technology prolongs breakup recovery. These social networking sites give you an instant window into your ex’s new life. You can check to see if he has deleted your photos and check to see if he has changed his status to single. Even worse, if he is seeing someone else you have a window into his new relationship and possible access to the new woman’s page. Be careful. Checking out his pages can be potentially devastating and can become an obsession – it’s called cyber stalking.

What can you do? Delete him from your friends list and then block him. If you want to take it a step further, delete your own page for awhile and then rebuild it later. Think of rebuilding your profile as a symbol of rebuilding your life. Then invite people who aren’t in his network so you won’t receive updates on his life.

But technology is not all bad. Join a breakup recovery forum like the one at BrokenHeartedGirl.com. You’ll find that it can be surprisingly easier to be truly honest about your feelings when you take advantage of the anonymity that technology can provide.

5 Ways to Find a Date Before Valentine's Day

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 21:10:00 +0000

You just finished spending the holidays alone and now Valentine’s Day is sneaking up on you. It’s almost not fair. Sure, spending time with your girlfriends on Valentine’s Day can be satisfying, but perhaps you would secretly prefer to spend the evening with a member of the opposite sex? Here are five proactive things you can do to increase the chance that cupid’s arrow will pierce your heart before Valentine’s Day:

Volunteer – If you have the time, volunteering can be a great way to meet someone kind, giving and selfless. If you don’t want to get dirty raking leaves or picking up trash, you can use your education to mentor teenagers, to promote literacy or to organize charity events. Even if you don’t meet someone, volunteering is a great way to network, make new friends and, of course, help your community.

Join your College Alumni Association – Even if you move to another city or another state after graduation, your college more than likely has an alumni group in your vicinity. Just check your college alumni website or call your college alumni office and they will put you in touch with your local chapter. From there you can participate in game watches, fund-raising events, ski trips and more. You’ll make a lot of connections with people with whom you already have a lot in common, and you may just make a love connection.

Speed Date – What can be better than scoping out single men that are there specifically to scope you out too? If you’re curious about the caliber of men available in the speed-dating world, you can do some re-con. Most events are held at bars during normal business hours, usually during happy hour. Check online or in your local paper to find an event near you, then drag a friend to the bar and see who shows up. And when you’re ready, sign up for a future event and see what happens!

Put Yourself Online – They say it’s free to look, so why not start today? Browse the online personals to see who is available in your area. If you see anyone promising, sign up. If you’re not sure about locking in to a one month membership, you can get a free trial. Then point, click and start communicating. You may just meet the man of your dreams.

Use Your Connections – With the popularity of sites like Facebook, MySpace and Linked In, you have a window into which you can instantly view your friends’ friends. And you can do it all from the comfort of your couch. Find a cute, single guy and ask your friends to hook you up.

There’s no shame in the fact that you don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day alone. But if you stand idly by, you may do just that. Use the tips, cast your net wide and you may just catch the dream date you’ve been waiting for.

ahhh Love

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 21:03:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Even though my forum at http://mjac.forumco.com serves as place of support for men and women who are going through breakups, we also give advice for those who are over their breakup and back in the dating realm.

Recently someone asked me when the appropriate time is to tell someone you love them. Should the man say it first? Is that old fashioned? Is there a specific time limit as to when this should happen? Is there a specific environment in which this should happen? Or can it be random, like when you're walking down the street or shopping? Or even while having sex?

Let me know your thoughts! I'd be interested to hear how different people act in this situation.

Feel better!
MJ

Single for the holidays - survival tips!

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:33:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Let's face it, the holiday season is a blessing and a curse. It can be a joysous time to celebrate religion and family and it can be a time of sadness and despair, thinking of friends and relatives that have passed on and thinking about relationships that have fallen into disrepair. It can also prove a difficult time for those of us that are single.

Now me, I'm not single currently, which is great, but my boyfriend is spending the holidays in another state. I couldn't find a cat sitter for my little guys and my family here in Boston is traveling, so I am going to end up alone. But believe me, I have spent enough holidays either single or alone to deal with the pain.

So, what can you do to survive the season?

1) Volunteer. Do anything - and you don't have to do it ON Thanksgiving or Christmas or over Hannukah, you can do it inbetween those times and still get just as much satisfaction. Volunteering will also give you a good perspective about your life and just how great you have it compared to others.

2) Spend time with your nieces and nephews. That's right! Take off your shoes and sit indian-style on the floor. Color, do puzzles, play rock band, play hide and seek. Remember what the holidays are all about - family and love.

3) Visit your church, temple or mosque. When you're sad, it's a great time to reconnect with the spiritual.

4) Join a community so you can honestly bitch and moan about being single/alone over the holidays. Your friends love you, but sometimes it's easier to be totally honest with strangers whom have never heard your story before. Check out http://mjac.forumco.com for starters.

5) Reconnect with old friends. Send holiday cards or reach out via email and catch up with the people you love most.

Finally, remember that you're not 'really' alone. Although my family lives all around the world, I know that they love me and will be thinking about me on Christmas Day. I may be alone physically, but emotionally, I have all the support in the world.

Feel better!
MJ

An expert...

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 20:34:00 +0000

Check it out. I'm the first expert on the list. Click on my profile to read some breakup tips.

www.first30days.com/experts .

Other experts on the site: George Foreman, Tim Gunn, Carson Kressley, The CEO of Time Warner.

Feel better,
MJ

When is he your boyfriend?

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 19:42:00 +0000

Just a question - when do you know the guy you are dating is officially your boyfriend?

Do you ask him?
Do you assume that after a certain amount of time it's solidified?
Do you just randomly call him your boyfriend when introducing him to friends/family?
Do you wait until you've met his family?

When do you know? Tell me your stories!

Tick...tick...tick...Marriage Clock

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 22:11:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Okay. So I'm 32. No boyfriend...marriage is not even on the radar and the idea of children is still up in the air...(Maybe I'll adopt?). Oftentimes I am not worried about getting married because I'm pretty successful on my own and I like 'not knowing' who I'll date next. And let's face it - if I'm ultimately successful in my search for a husband, I won't have a ton of content to add to this blog. Right now, the single life is fine for me.

On the other hand, it'd be nice to have someone to help shoulder the weight of the world and cuddle with every night. : )

I read this article on USA Today. It may depress some of you (as it did me) and it may make some of you happy. Check it out.

Feel better!

MJ

By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY
Emily Becker wanted to be married by age 30. In June, at age 28, she and Joe Becker, 29, were married. They were the last of their group to tie the knot.
Even though they began dating in 2003 — around the same time as most of their friends — "it took us almost twice as long to get married," she says. "We both knew we wanted to marry each other. We just kept having to put it off."

MARRIAGE: More find love in middle age
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The reason? Careers. Both are doctors. They spent four years in medical school. Three years of residency were in different cities. They got engaged in October of last year and now live in San Francisco.

"If we had been together in the same city, I think maybe we would have married sooner," he says.

Like many young adults today, the Beckers waited to marry until they felt the time was right. Others are also holding off while maintaining a single-but-together status that can last years. That may be one reason the age at first marriage has been climbing steadily for all racial, ethnic and socioeconomic groups. The median age is now the oldest since the U.S. Census started keeping track in the 1890s: almost 26 for women and almost 28 for men.

And as young people wait longer to marry, there is growing debate over whether waiting is a good idea, and if so, how long is best. Those who advocate marriage in the early to mid-20s say that's the age when the pool of possible mates is larger, it's when couples can "grow up" together and it's prime for childbearing. But others favor the late 20s or early 30s, saying maturity makes for happier unions and greater economic security — both of which make divorce less likely.

As a result, researchers, sociologists and family experts are taking a closer look at the attitudes behind the trend to see if there really is an optimum age to marry that maximizes the benefits of matrimony and minimizes possible problems.

"It's better not to get married as a teenager," says sociologist Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins University. "Beyond that, I don't think there's an ideal age."

But people do have opinions about it, and those beliefs are clearly changing. In a 1946 Gallup Poll, most found the ideal age to be 25 for men and 21 for women. Sixty years later, in a Gallup telephone poll of about 500 adults, the ideal age had increased to 25 for women and 27 for men.

"A lot of girls have this ideal age for when they want to get married, but a lot don't vocalize it because you don't want to jinx yourself," says Jessica Lim, 30, a graphic designer in New York.

"For me, the ideal age was around 28. I think I was wanting to meet that goal and feeling like I needed to be there at 28, where my fiancé, who is just a few years older than me, wasn't there yet."

It's well documented that those who marry before age 20 are two to three times more likely to divorce, researchers say. But studies are still trying to determine whether marrying at certain ages may improve relationships and help marriages survive.

A study being drafted by sociologist Norval Glenn of the University of Texas-Austin finds that those who marry in the early to mid-20s are slightly happier and less likely to break up than those who marry in the later 20s, but are significantly more satisfied with their relationships than those who marry at 30 or older.

Older may be better

But research by sociologist Paul Amato of Pennsylvania State University for a 2007 book he co-wrote suggests quite the opposite. The studies for Alone Together: How Marriage in America Is Changing used different data and different criteria and found distinct benefits to marrying older.

"We found that the delay in marriage was actually a good thing and it actually improved the average marital quality by a fair amount," he says.

"Older marriages (30s vs. 20s) were more cohesive in the sense they did things more often together as a couple. And couples who married at older ages were less likely to report thinking about divorce or that their marriage was in trouble."

Two yet-unpublished papers co-written by Jason Carroll, an associate professor of family life at Brigham Young University, reviewed data collected in 2004-06 based on student questionnaires of 448 items. One study of 788 college students ages 18-25 from five campuses across the country analyzed marriage readiness by asking "Do you think that you are ready to be married?" Most weren't: 60% of men and 67% of women answered "no," and only 9% of men and 5% of women said "yes." Almost one-third of men and 28% of women said "in some ways yes, in some ways no."

The other study asked young adults and their parents about the best age to marry. The sample of 536 students from the five campuses said 25 was ideal, while parents — 446 mothers and 360 fathers — said 26 was better.

Debra Lermitte of Abington, Pa., has four children and two stepchildren, 26 to 31. She first married at 19 and was divorced after 15 years. She says it's better to wait: "You get to experience life and know yourself better, and hopefully choose someone more compatible once you become your own person as an adult."

That's the message Jamie Hayworth, 25, says she received from her parents. A mental health therapist in Torrance, Calif., Hayworth earned her graduate degree in June. She and her fiancé became engaged in February. Hayworth says she used to worry that she would be too selfish to be married.

"I just felt like for me, I was still thinking in terms of, 'What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to accomplish? Where do I want to live?' " she says.

This relatively new clash between marriage and individualism is discussed in Cherlin's new book —The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today, to be published in April.

Not until they're 'ready'

"People are more concerned with their own self-development than they used to be," Cherlin says. "People are postponing marriage until everything in their lives is working in order. The order means after you've finished your education, perhaps after beginning your career, and increasingly after you've lived with your partner. They're postponing marriage until they think they're ready for it."

Brian Benator, 23, an assistant men's basketball coach at North Georgia College and State University in Dahlonega, Ga., graduated in May from the University of Georgia and is pursuing an MBA while working full time.

His focus is on career and financial stability; marriage is not on his mind just yet.

"I think a year or two after college is the time to learn about yourself personally, as well as in the working environment," he says. "Hopefully, I'd like to be settled in the next six years, but it's easier said than done because I'm going to be moving all the time."

Marriage used to be the first step into adulthood, but now it is often the last, which Cherlin says has some implications: A lower proportion of today's young adults will ever marry (though most still will), and they likely will have fewer children.

"I'm not one who thinks waiting to marry is causing a problem here. I think the lives of today's young adults are becoming better and their marriages are becoming more stable. Where I see a potential crunch is young adults who want to have more than two children," he says.

Those who do worry include John Van Epp, a clinical counselor in Medina, Ohio, and family therapist Alan Singer, who has offices in New York City and Highland Park, N.J. Both say many young adults view marriage as something in the distant future.

Van Epp presented a program this summer about the repercussions of marrying in the late 20s and early 30s. Singer's blog urges parents to change the wait-to-marry message. He's particularly worried that medical advances in treating infertility are giving couples the wrong idea.

"It gives people confidence — almost invincibility — that we can delay these things and science will rescue us," he says.

Fertility researcher Richard Paulson of the University of Southern California says that, as a general rule, women should start having children no later than age 30 and be done by 35, when statistics show fertility declines.

The federal government is also taking new interest in these young adults. The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center, a government-supported clearinghouse, hired a market research firm to survey 3,600 adults ages 18-30 and will target that demographic with a website expected to launch next year.

Although preliminary, the data have identified distinct but very diverse attitudes, ranging from those who can't wait to marry to those who are afraid to marry and others in between. Just over 20% of those sampled have very low motivation for marriage; they view it as a risk that interferes with their independence or they were fearful of divorce.

Researchers say divorce rates are down for the better-educated. Those with college degrees marry later, have better jobs and more income. But an analysis of 2006 Census data by the American Council on Education finds that only 35% of those 25-29 have an associate's degree or higher.

The Beckers' extended education may bode well for their marriage, even though Emily Becker says it's tough to see their friends already settled with kids as the Beckers just begin married life.

"I've now found out marriage is such a wonderful thing, I wish people would have told me to get married sooner because I had found the right guy," she says. "But I'm actually glad we waited because we knew what we were getting into."

READERS: If single, at what age, if any, do you hope you'll marry and why then? If married, how old were you when you wed and do you think you were too young, too old? How many years should two people know each other before marrying?

Get away from it all...

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 18:19:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Want to get away for a little bit? Apparently you can fly to Europe for around $13.

Feel better,
MJ

By Dave Demerian
Wired.com

While US airlines have bumped prices so sharply that some frequent fliers are turning to the bus, a European airline is getting ready to sell you a ticket to London that costs less than an entree at the Olive Garden.

Low-cost Irish monster Ryanair announced that it plans to begin flying from Europe to the US, with economy tickets starting at 10 Euros, or around $13.00. Ryanair expects to make money on the flights by sticking to its wildly successful European business model of charging passengers for almost everything but the air they breathe, and by offering a more traditional business cabin in the front of the plane.

Ryanair's plan is to offer flights between its base at Stansted, an outlying London airport that is popular with the budget crowd, and New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Boston, and cities in Florida. Ryanair doesn't have the planes to get started right away, but the airline's outspoken CEO Michael O'Leary says that with the recession sure to put dents in the order books of Boeing and Airbus, there are deals to be made.

If a $15 flight to Europe sound too good to be true, that's because it is.

In Europe, Ryanair often gives tickets away, with passengers responsible for only taxes and fees. And it's the fees where the airline makes its money, collecting buckets of cash by charging for everything from mandatory travel insurance and credit card processing to the privilege of using a telephone or ticket counter to communicate with the airline. Another profit center for Ryanair is its QVC-in-the-sky approach to in-flight service, with cabin crews hawking everything from sandwiches and sodas to jewelery, perfume, lottery tickets, and cell phone minutes.

It's a model that has worked well in Europe, where Ryanair has spread like a fungus, flying 65 million passengers a year to 145 cities, and leaving its Irish competitor Aer Lingus in the dirt. But the airline hasn't been immune to the financial pressure facing the industry -- expansion has slowed and it recently announced a 50 percent drop in profits.
And cheap fares alone won't guarantee success. I'm all about finding a bargain, but I appreciate a plane with seat back pockets, window shades, and reclining seats, especially on a nine hour flight to Europe. If my fellow travelers feel the same way, then Ryanair's transatlantic strategy may not fly.

Boundaries and the dating rat race.

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 14:40:00 +0000

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

Moving forward after getting hurt can be hard when you’re carrying large suitcases of emotional baggage with you. You’re probably not sure where you stand emotionally and you may or may not secretly hate all men. So how do you get back into the dating rat race without ending up with even more baggage?

It’s not easy, but start by thinking with your head and not with your heart.

Stop to consider what you want out of a date right now. Are you interested in:

A fling?
A long-term monogamous relationship?
Short-term dating?
New friend(s)?
Flirting with guys online/at the bar (taking it no further than that)?

When you’ve defined your intentions, take them to heart – that way you won’t get hurt and you won’t unintentionally hurt an innocent bystander. In other words:

If you’re looking for a fling, then make sure the guy you’re interested in doesn’t have intentions of marrying you (you’ll only hurt him).

If you’re really looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship, then don’t go home with some strange guy you meet at the bar (you’ll just feel really guilty and gross the next day).

If you’re looking to date someone in the short term, then walk the line (this is harder than it seems).

If you just want to flirt with someone, then smile, laugh, dance and walk away (don’t give out your number and don’t go home with him).

Every so often, evaluate your intentions. Maybe you’re over the ‘fling’ stage and you want to try casual dating again? Maybe you’re over casual dating and you want to have a boyfriend? Whatever stage you’re in, check to see that you’re moving forward and gaining confidence. If not, then it’s always okay to take a step back.

So use your head. And when you do meet someone that you really want to be with, PLEASE let your heart take over. You’ll know when it happens. But until then, stay within your boundaries and have fun!

Feel better!
MJ

Stop anxiety from stealing your sleep

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:56:00 +0000

From EverydayHealth.com, here are some tips to get to sleep, even if you're feeling anxious.

Tips for a Better Night's Sleep
Most people with anxiety disorders also have trouble sleeping. Treating the disorder usually improves sleep, but in the meantime, there are other things you can do:
Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends.

Use the bed only for sleeping and sex.

Forgo naps, especially close to bedtime.

Limit the time you spend in bed. Turn in only when you're sleepy. If you don't fall asleep within 15 minutes or if you wake up and can't fall back to sleep within that amount of time, get out of bed and do something relaxing until you feel sleepy.

Avoid caffeine (found in coffee, many teas, chocolate, and cola) after 2 p.m., or noon if you are caffeine-sensitive. You may need to avoid caffeine entirely if you have panic attacks.

Avoid eating foods that contribute to heartburn.

Don't drink alcohol for at least 2 hours before bedtime.

Limit fluids before bedtime to minimize nighttime trips to the bathroom.

Stop smoking, or at least do not smoke for 1–2 hours before turning in for the night.

Exercise regularly, but not too close to bedtime. An afternoon workout is ideal.

Keep the bedroom cool, dark, and as quiet as possible.

Replace a worn-out or uncomfortable mattress.

Take a hot bath before bedtime.

Use relaxation techniques before bedtime.

Online Dating

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 20:47:00 +0000

What makes you respond to someone's online profile? Is it because he/she is just devastatingly handsome/beautiful? Or do you actually delve deeper into the profile to see what they are "all about?"

I had an online profile for awhile and I put on there that I had 2 cats. And a bunch of guys emailed me that were very cute, but some of their profiles indicated that they did not like cats (and yes, I actually read the profiles). So when I emailed back to ask if cats were okay, they always responded with 'no sorry, I guess I didn't get that far into your profile.'

So if the person is really "hot," do you skip over their profile?

Discuss!

BreakUp Workbook kudos...

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 15:26:00 +0000

I thought this was a nice email, so I'm sharing it with all of you whom are thinking of getting the book! : )

Feel better!
MJ

...thank you. best book and money well spent. wish i had it 2 years ago so that i didn't have to go through all the bs...

Dating

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 21:13:00 +0000

Dear BrokenHeartedGirl,

Have you ever decided to take a hiatus from dating? And if you have done it, did you set time parameters, or did you just wander aimlessly until you met someone noteworthy?

Looking back on my life, I have taken a hiatus from dating every now and again to ‘focus on myself,’ but I have never set time parameters. I think every time I’ve met someone interesting while I’ve been on hiatus, I’ve just ended my hiatus and dated the guy without a second thought.

So this time it’s going to be different. This time I am going to set a deadline. I am going to remain ‘focused’ on me until I get the hard copy of my book published and up on amazon.com. Don’t congratulate me, it’s not THAT long from now – just a few months – but I do need a hiatus. I think the drama of dating is draining me.

Feel better!

mj

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 03:21:00 +0000

Text messages and relationships...

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 19:07:00 +0000

I am bad at relationships. Anybody that knows me or has read my blog or my forum or even my website knows this. But it's not ALWAYS my fault. Sometimes things just don't "work out." And I understand that there are times where it's okay to cut your losses after a few dates. After all, if I'm dating someone that I don't see myself marrying, I will end it. And vice versa, believe me. A lot of times I will try to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you just have a gut instinct about it. In those cases, I will talk to the guy - at least on the phone and say, "Hey, I think it's better if we are friends..." I feel like if you've only gone on 2 or 3 dates with someone (and haven't been overtly physical) that it's okay to at least try to make the transition. But maybe that's just me.

So there you go. I will TALK to the guy and end it if I need to. I don't text. I don't email. I don't just fall off the face of the earth. I just do it. It's not that hard...

So why is it that recently I have heard and seen and read about all kinds of people dumping one another on email or via text? Why is it that everyone I know has a relationship that is dictated through text messages? Doesn't anyone talk on the phone any more? Does everyone hide behind their electronic devices to avoid intimacy?

And finally...how old do you think someone should be before they are required to break up with someone in person or on the phone? 25? 30? 35?

Or is it acceptable to tell someone in a text or email that "it won't work out...for xyz reason?" No matter what your age?

Thoughts?

Endings & Beginnings

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:36:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

I have a friend who was hung up on a guy that she had been dating for years. She wanted to move forward, but was afraid to ask him about taking the next step, because she was afraid of the answer.

So instead of asking, she waited. And waited.

One day out of the blue, he finally told her that he just didn't see them getting married. There was no future. She was devastated. She felt like 3 years of her life had just been wasted. And of course, she felt like she would never find anyone that would want to marry her.

I held her hand and helped her get through it as best as I could.

Cut to 2 months later -- I am a really big basketball fan, so I asked her to accompany me to a game. She didn't want to leave the house, but she reluctantly accepted. At half time a guy approached her while I waited in line to get drinks at the bar. By the time I got the drinks, the half was over, so I was doing my best to rush her out of there. We turned to leave and I said, "Did you get his number?" She said, "No. Should I have?" I urged her to scurry back on over there and get it.

She didn't think she should call him. She was afraid of getting hurt. But somehow she mustered up the courage to do it. They started dating. They spent New Year's together, went on lots of trips and started talking about moving in. I had never seen her so happy. She was just beaming!

Cut to 5 months later -- They just had a small marriage ceremony on the beach 2 weeks ago.

It just goes to show you. Good things can happen to good people.

So yeah. Right now things are hard, you feel like you're never going to meet someone again. And even if you do, then you feel like you'll just get hurt again. And you feel like giving up and becoming a nun because, "What's the point in dating if it's never going to work out?"

Go ahead and give yourself time to cry. But realize that eventually you're going to have to poke your head back into the social scene. When your friends invite you to hang out - get up, get dressed and just go!

This story is not only meant to bring you hope, but it's also 100% true. If she hadn't said yes to my basketball invitation (and she doesn't like sports at all), then she wouldn't have met the man of her dreams.

Me? I'm still waiting to find the man of my dreams. So I'm accepting as many invitations as possible this summer. : )

Feel better,

MJ

Cleaning helps Mental Health!

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 14:31:00 +0000

One of the exercises in the BreakUp Workbook speaks to these principles. Get organized, vaccuum and clean those dishes. It'll help!

Feel better,

MJ

By Amanda Gardner
HealthDay Reporter
1 hour, 23 minutes ago
WEDNESDAY, April 9 (HealthDay News) -- Scrubbing the tub and other forms of housework may clean your house and boost your mood.

In fact, as little as 20 minutes of any kind of physical activity a week helped mental health, although the more vigorous the activity, the greater the benefit, said the authors of a study published online Thursday in the British Journal of Sports Medicine.

"There's such a pervasive feeling in this country that, if there's a problem, there's always a pill to fix it," said Dr. Suzanne Steinbaum, director of Women and Heart Disease at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City. "This study is just reminding us that it doesn't take much to actually have an effect even on your mood."

The physical benefits of exercise are well known: It reduces the risk of heart disease, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and even some cancers, among other things.

The mental benefits are less clear, although exercise is thought to improve blood flow and reduce inflammation, which have been related to depression and dementia. Exercise might also improve mood by reducing stress levels.

"It's pretty clear that physical activity does have some kind of positive relationship to good mental health," said Dr. Jane Ripperger-Suhler, assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral science at Texas A&M Health Science Center College of Medicine and a psychiatrist with Scott & White Mental Health Center in Temple. "They [the study authors] are trying to figure out how much you need to do."

For the new study, almost 20,000 men and women participating in the 1995, 1998 and 2003 Scottish Health Surveys answered questionnaires about physical activity and "psychological distress."

Daily physical activity of any kind -- including housework, gardening, walking, and sports -- was associated with a 41 percent lower risk of psychological distress. But sports reduced the risk of mood lows the most -- by 33 percent.

And just in case women are thinking this study is a ploy to engage in more housework, think again. The study showed that more sports and overall activity increased your mood even more, but extra mopping and scrubbing didn't.

"The message is do a little bit of housework and a lot of sports," Ripperger-Suhler said.

According to the study authors, from University College London, this appears to be the first research to look at different specific activities in relation to mental health. The study wasn't designed to look at a cause-and-effect relationship, only that a relationship exists.

More information

The American Heart Association has more on mental health and physical activity.

The Automatic 2nd Date. Interview with Victorya Michaels Rogers

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 18:55:00 +0000

First off, let me say thanks for having me as a guest on BROKEN HEARTED GIRL! I’m a fan of your book THE BREAKUP WORKBOOK! It’s a great tool for speeding up the healing process after a heart breaking split. Well done! So many of my clients are back on the market after heart wrenching endings. Now is their season for fresh beginnings and I trust the same is for many, if not all, of your readers. So here are a few of my secrets for getting back out there and succeeding at the dating game.

Victorya Michaels Rogers, Author, The Automatic 2nd Date

BHG: How can one back on the dating scene after a long absence adopt a hopeful attitude about dating?

VICTORYA: Before you jump back into the world of dating allow yourself time to heal and reflect on where you’ve been. What was missing in your past love life? This is your season to really make it all about you. Love yourself first and deliberately pursue the life you always wanted! If you’re a single mom, obviously you need to seriously consider the needs of your children. But you also have to take care of you and come up with what you really want in a relationship before you start dating again. If you don’t know what you want then you’ll just date whoever takes notice and most likely that is was your problem in the past. You are valuable deserve to have a great relationship. But you have to believe that and know to recognize him when is comes along!

BHG: In Automatic 2nd Date you list many unique places to meet men. Tell us a few.

A: I advise skipping bars and clubs and just plunging yourself into the social world around you—be it at your church, country club, charity, or a special-interest group at your community center. As you interact with more and more people, you will automatically find yourself around — and introduced to — available men.

BHG: In Automatic 2nd Date you recommend asking lots of questions. You even give us 100 potential questions. How do we avoid turning it into an interview or worse, an interrogation?

A: To keep questions from sounding like an interrogation listen to his answers to your questions and go from there. You’re guiding the conversation, not dictating it. If you genuinely stay tuned in and listen to him, then the questions that come to your mind will help the conversation flow naturally and you will draw him to you. One of the easiest ways to get a 2nd date is to be genuinely interested in what your date has to say! Everyone wants to be heard. When you listen he will feel understood and he will want to see you again. So offer your undivided attention, look him in the eye, ask relevant questions, and be sure to laugh at his jokes!

BHG: What about women who are recently divorced or widowed? Isn’t it hard to hold back physically when you’re used to not holding back?

A: The transition from being married and freely having sex with your spouse to holding back your passion as you jump back into the dating can be difficult for some ladies. But if you are looking for a relationship to develop, you must have restraint! Sometimes you just have to be tough. Getting that second date is about self control and holding back, not about letting loose and putting out. The physical always progresses rather than goes backward. Take it slow so there’s somewhere to go.

BHG: Why should you never ask your man out for Valentine’s Day?

VICTORYA: Valentine’s Day is traditionally the most romantic day of the year, but it is so specifically for your MAN to make it romantic FOR you, not by you. Let him do the asking or let the day pass without a date! Besides, so many men propose on that date, don’t ruin his surprise special moment but making the plans yourself or having expectations that may only lead to disappointment.

BHG: How does buying your man gifts hurt your relationship without you knowing it?

VICTORYA: Buying your man expensive gifts puts pressure on him, especially on Valentines Day. You want your man to feel like the pursuer, not the chased! Make any gift you give him more about the thought than the price tag and never out give your man. If he can’t afford to reciprocate he’ll feel he’s not good enough for you and leave. If he can reciprocate but doesn’t want to, he’ll feel pressured and leave. It’s a no win situation. So before marriage, think thoughtful and little in regards to gift giving and offer lots of gushy thanks when he gives YOU gifts.

BHG: Do you have a website or blog with any of these tips for our audience to check out?

VICTORYA: Yes, my website has a lot of additional tips and advice for single women! Check it out-- it’s www.mantokeep.com. You can also order my books and learn about my coaching program. I hope I have helped you begin to see that dating does NOT have to be overwhelming, scary and stressful. In fact, believe it or not, you can actually enjoy the process if you take the time to find out what you REALLY want in a man, sharpen your dating skills and take risks. There is so much information I’d love to impart to you to make dating less anxiety filled, so feel free to visit my site anytime and/or check out my book The Automatic 2nd Date.

Victorya Michaels Rogers, Dating Coach, Author The Automatic 2nd Date

Deductible Alimony Recapture

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 23:52:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Do you pay alimony? If you do, then you may need to figure out your taxes and find out if you're liable for alimony recapture. Use this free calculator to see where you stand:

http://www.smartmoney.com/divorce/basics/index.cfm?story=alimonycalc

Feel better!

-MJ

Finances - How to increase your alimony

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 23:47:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

If you believe that you need increased alimony payments due to a change in circumstances of your lifestyle, you can apply for it. But you have the burden of proving "changed circumstances." To see how you can do that, read the article below.

Feel better!

-MJ

From divorcesource.com

Who has the burden of proving a "change of circumstances" to obtain an increased alimony award?

The spouse who seeks an increase in alimony has the burden of proving "changed circumstances." If a party proves a change of circumstances then the court will grant the parties the right to conduct limited discovery. Basically, the parties will then exchange tax returns, pay stubs, and a CIS. The moving party must also prove that the changed circumstances have substantially impaired his/her ability to support himself or herself.

If the court believes that the motion requesting an increase in alimony has merit, then it will schedule the case for a plenary hearing. A Lepis plenary hearing can be just as complicated and draining as a divorce case. The court will also issue a discovery order. Lepis hearings always seem to last forever. These cases are not as carefully scrutinized as the divorce cases are. It is not uncommon for a Lepis alimony case to be adjourned five or more times. The family courts are overwhelmed with all types of litigation, and they really can't handle all of their volume of cases. However, before a court will grant a moving party a Lepis hearing, the moving party must convince the court that there are significant life events that justify increasing alimony. This is certainly not an easy burden to satisfy. The courts do not take motions that request an increase in alimony lightly. There must be compelling reasons(s) to justify increasing the amount or the length of an alimony award.

You Think Your Relationship Is Bad?

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 23:23:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Sometimes in life you just need to look on the bright side. In this case, be thankful that you're not involved in the trainwreck that is Britney's life. Her boyfriend is not only going on television and playing her voicemails, but he's also married - to 2 people!

Look at this girl's life and hopefully you'll feel better about your own.

Feel better!

-MJ

From perezhilton.com

Brit Brit's English pap boyfriend, Adnan Ghali, has reportedly been hiding a secret first wife! Not counting the one he's currently divorcing.

He married some California chick in 2001. That first marriage lasted a total of 85 days.

The gal's parents didn't even know they were wed!

Adnan, originally from Birmingham, England, is currently being divorced by second wife Azlynn Berry after watching his very public romance with Spears.

He was in his first marriage at the same time he applied for a US Green Card. Legal experts say that if he did not tell Uncle Sam about the first marriage he could be DEPORTED!

Additionally, and this may be bullshit, a source close to Osama Lutfi, reveals exclusively to PerezHilton.com that U.S. immigration officials were looking for Ghalib outside the UCLA Medical Center Thursday morning.

We call B.S. on that!

Either way, Adnan better be having a damn good immigration lawyer on his team.

It's the Thought That Counts

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 23:20:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

Do you find yourself overthinking your relationship, or even worse, your breakup? Here's some information you may find helpful.

Overthinking can wreck our emotional health, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D., on the basis of her studies over the past decade. A professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, she provides answers to some common questions:

Do men ruminate too?

Women do it more than men, but that doesn't mean that men don't do it at all. And it takes on a different character. Our research suggests that men are more likely to ruminate about anger and angry situations, and it comes out as angry, grudge-bearing self-righteousness.

Women tend to focus much more on depressive and anxious themes: "What's wrong with me that this person doesn't like me? What did I do wrong?" And they focus on whether they can control something in the future, particularly with regard to relationships. "How can I keep my husband interested in me? How can I make sure that everybody likes me?"

How do you explain those differences?

We know that from a very early age girls are much more relationship-oriented than boys are. It's socialized into us; it may even be programmed into us evolutionarily. Relationships are great fuel for rumination because interactions with others are always ambiguous; you never know exactly what the other person means or whether they're being sincere. Investing too much of your self-worth in the approval of others provides an unstable source of self-esteem. That's one major contributor to women's tendency to ruminate more.

How does one develop into a ruminator? Do we learn it?

It can be socialized into people or we can be inclined to it by biological temperament. If you are encouraged to pay attention to your emotions and also given the message that there's not much you can do about them, that contributes to being a ruminator. Boys are encouraged to do something about the situations that make them upset, girls are encouraged more to just think about the situations that make them upset. If biological temperament inclines you to be easily upset, that quite naturally leads to questions about "what's wrong with me?" If on top of that you are not socialized to handle distressed feelings actively, then the two can strongly contribute to rumination.

How does that get set into the brain?

Research suggests that there are connections between nodes of the brain. Different memories and thoughts are connected by virtue of sharing an emotion, so that negative thoughts are connected with each other even when they have little to do with each other. Your boss yells at you-and you think about how fat you are. What connects them is unhappiness.

When you ruminate, you rehearse the connections between such thoughts and strengthen them, creating a spreading network whereby a whole complex of distressing thoughts becomes more easily aroused by just a little bit of negative mood. So the next time you're upset not only do you think about your boss yelling at you and being fat but about how your mother treated your brother better than she treated you.

What effect does rumination have on relationships?

It undermines them in a couple of ways. Ruminators seek out other people for reassurance but they confront others constantly: "You don't love me, you don't care about me, what did you mean when you said that the other night?" Men particularly find this hard to deal with. It may lead to arguments or to the partner stalking off.

The other thing it can do is make a person excessively dependent and anxious about everything a partner or friend says or does, which again can drive them away. Our research shows that ruminators seek out social support from other people more than non-ruminators, but they actually get lower-quality social support because people get frustrated.

There's such as thing as excessive reassurance seeking: "Do you love me? Do you really love me? I don't know if you love me, do you really love me?" Eventually their partners get frustrated; they may try to hide it and be reassuring, but the ruminator notices the frustration and confronts them: "You say you love me, but you seem so irritable all the time and you're getting more irritable. What's the matter? What's the matter with our relationship?" Eventually, there's often a huge blowup.

Is rumination more toxic for women because of its effect on relationships?

Rumination is toxic in both men and women; it leads to depression and anxiety in both. It's just that women are more prone to do it.

What has most surprised you in the research you've done on rumination?

We keep looking for what's good about rumination. Over and over we find that it is immobilizing and impairs the quality of thinking.

Have we become too self-analytical?

Our data indicate that older adults are less prone to rumination than younger ones, suggesting that a cultural shift toward awareness of emotions may contribute. There's been a huge shift in the last couple of decades from being very stoic and unaware of our feelings to being obsessed with them. The main theme of a huge amount of pop culture has been about getting in touch with your feelings and analyzing your past. That's good to some extent, but a lot of us have taken it too far and we've become a bellybutton culture, hyperfocused on every twist and turn of our emotions, trying to analyze everything everybody says for its deeper meaning.

One thing that keeps people in the cycle of rumination is a sense that they're incredibly profound and gaining tremendous insight. We actually find that by every measure, they're doing a lousy job of problem solving. People need to recognize that it's not a healthy process.

When does thinking get dangerous?

Self-analysis is a good thing-to a point. Just as the cell-splitting processes that contribute to cancer are not inherently bad-it's dangerous when it gets out of control and becomes self-perpetuating-so with thinking about yourself and your emotions. Some of it is crucial to our understanding of who we are and how to behave. But when it takes up all the space in your brain, it's malignant. We need to spot when self-analysis turns into rumination and gain skills for controlling it.

It's in the danger zone when you start feeling increasingly hopeless and immobilized, when you're getting feedback from others that you seem stuck and unable to deal with a situation and certainly when you are feeling chronically depressed and anxious. By then, however, you may need professional help.

Last Updated: April 2, 2003
Copyright © 1991-2007 Sussex Publishers. All rights reserved.

What's the lamest way to break up?

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 20:19:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

If you're looking for a way to break up, check out these tips from yahoo! personals:

Feel better!

-MJ

What's the lamest way to breakup? Andrea Syrtash gets breakup stories from daters and adds a few horror stories of her own. Get the lowdown on the letdown and tips for doing it right.

Is there a good way to dump someone? Probably not, but there are better ways. According to my very unscientific study with some friends in my living room last month, the worst way to deliver the news is via text message (extra points deducted if you have a lazy thumb and use abbreviations: "I cant c u. over").
Breaking up is hard to do. But it helps to be considerate with the basics like time, place and delivery method so you don't add insult to injury. Here are my five "don'ts" of dumping:
1. Timing Is Everything
How many times have I heard someone explain, "I can't break up now. It's a bad time because... (fill in the blank with any event from a friend's wedding to a family reunion)"?
There will NEVER been a good or comfortable time to end it with someone you care about
There will NEVER been a good or comfortable time to end it with someone you care about, so don't wait for the perfect opportunity. The only exceptions to the timing rule are your date's birthday, a significant holiday like New Year's Eve, or the night before he or she has an important presentation at work.
2. Location, Location, Location!
If possible, pick a neutral and quiet place to end your relationship.
If possible, pick a neutral and quiet place to end your relationship. It may get emotional, so make sure that the dumpee is not driving when you have the conversation and that you're in a place where you both have an opportunity to express yourself without worrying about eyes peering at you. And do not break up at his or her favorite place or restaurant! He or she will never want to go back.
3. The Incredible Disappearing Date
If you've gone out a number of times or have seen each other for a few months, don't rely on your date to get the message on his or her own that it's over.
A close second to disappearing is relaying the message via email or text message.
A close second to disappearing is relaying the message via email or text message. If you're going to do that, make sure to include the fact that you would like to have a conversation following your note. Have the courage to end it in person and allow your ex to respond.
4. Hooking Up Will Screw You Up
I'm all for recycling, but not in this case. No booty calls with the person you've broken up with! You're not only making it harder on your ex who will cling to any glimmer of hope you offer, but you're making it harder on YOURSELF since you'll eventually have to break up all over again when you meet someone new.
5. Mouth Wide Shut
I believe in breakup karma. If you blab to everyone about why you want to end the relationship before you pull the plug, or gossip all over town after you end it, it may come back to haunt you. The dating world is smaller than you think. Unless your ex has done something that you feel you need to alert the masses about (and not just your close friends), keep the details of your relationship private and respect your ex.

You are okay as you are.

noreply@blogger.com (MJ) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 17:51:00 +0000

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

My sister and I went shopping the other day. We were having a good time picking out clothes, laughing and joking the whole time, and then when we got to the dressing room, all of the laughter stopped. We spent probably the whole time looking in the mirror and showing our 'flaws' to one another. When certain clothes didn't fit me because my boobs were too big, I complained. When certain clothes didn't fit her because she's shorter than the normal person, she complained. And let's not forget the pointing out of cellulite.

Keep in mind that my sister is a size ZERO and I am a size 3/4. We both work out and take good care of ourselves. Most people would KILL to have our physiques...yet we still manage to find something wrong.

Crazy? Absolutely.

I thought about that all week long and kind of got mad at myself.

We need to stop comparing ourselves at the airbrushed supermodels. It's not healthy. Men have seen 'regular' women naked (probably more than you and I have seen naked) and understand what a normal woman looks like. We all have cellulite, we all have pockets of fat somewhere and we all have stretch marks (well, a lot of us do). So don't worry what you look like naked and for pete's sake, DON'T compare yourself to supermodels. It's not worth it.

So my sister and I have decided to concentrate on the body parts that we love. And when we try on clothes, we'll feel lucky that even though we're not PERFECT, PERFECT, we have it pretty good...and we're healthy...which is the most important part!

Feel better!

MJ

Finding something perfect to wear is always a challenge. Say you are looking for some sexy lingerie but don't want to go to a store to look through everything you can't even try on anyway. Try shopping online for your lingerie. You can do it anytime and find something incredible, have it shipped right to your door and make sure it is right before you decide to keep it. I always feel better after shopping, especially when I can do it at home without any hassles.