Break Ups

The No Contact Rule

2008-05-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, there are 3 types or variations of the no contact rule.

1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.
2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply.

Now, in my life, I have a love/hate relationship with this rule.

I love it, because honestly, this is the one thing that helps you move on after you have been devastated from a relationship. Gradually, I can remove myself from the agony of thinking, O, I wonder what she is doing and O, I should have told her this, and she gradually fades away from my conscience. And that is what moving on is all about, having someone significant in your life reduced to a minor role. Which is what I hate about this.

Its like your throwing in the towel. This rule forces you to get closure, and once you get there, its absolute. Why bother worrying about how you should have said this or that because you know what, they are never going to be a part of your life again. You should no longer care about how you should have tried to fix that one fight or should have relished this memory more.

To me, this the most painful predicament. Its a Catch-22. If I try to stay close and involved in my ex's life as a friend, I end up constantly reminding myself of how much I liked her. And if I do the No Contact Rule then I lose my closest friend for 2 years of my life.

So, what do I do then. Do I do a half-ass approach and do #3 and have the hope that one day she will call me and say "O Scott you were always right." Or what? It really depends on you. Speaking from recent experience, I would give you and your ex at least 3 weeks without contact before you talk again. Then, I would initiate contact and hopefully either find closure or compassion.

Goals

2008-05-28T23:45:00.000-07:00

One of the most beneficial things that I have started to do was set measurable goals. The benefits of setting goals after breaking up are limitless. In a time when your self worth is down, having measurable goals can greatly increase your feeling of self worth.

For example, I started running. Behind my house I have a neighborhood still being developed, and there is a long dirt road that goes up a hill that correlates with a series of power lines. Each day, especially if I am particularly upset or if I feel overburdened and stressed out, I go for a run.

Now, where setting goals ties into this is that it gives this running focus. Overall, by the end of summer I want to be able to run all the way up the hill. However, until then I have small measurable goals. The power line poles allow me to mark how far I go each time I run. If i ran to the 4th power line pole from the base of the hill one day, the next day I would try to reach the 5th, or maybe I would try to run to the 4th power line faster.

By setting such measurable goals, I regain a sense of direction and focus in my life. Even when nothing is going right, and I don't want to get out of bed, I can merely go look in the mirror and say, I am running for the 6th power line pole today.

However, there is a slight catch. When choosing goals, I would stay away from activities that you did with your ex. For example, if you went running every morning with her, I would probably not advise running as a goal to help distract you.

Here are some good ideas for goals.

1. running (and other forms of exercise) I will expand on this soon.

2. relearning or learning a musical instrument.

3. painting/remodeling a room

4. losing x amount of weight

5. writing a blog :D

Alcohol

2008-05-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

We have all been there. Things are going bad and you (or me) want to drink to forget the problems and have a fun time. What we have to realize is that there are many dangers and traps alcohol brings especially in a time of emotional trauma.

Recently, after my girlfriend broke up with me, one of the first things that I did was go out and buy 150$ worth of alcohol. Mistake? Maybe. Then I began to drink daily. Every time something would remind me of my ex, I would take a shot. Mistake? Yes. I was drinking alone to get away.

But what exactly makes this bad?

I strongly believe that this prevented me from moving on, something that is key to getting past the emotional pain of a breakup. By letting my ex continue to dominate my thoughts and by dwelling on the past I essentially got stuck in a self destructive cycle.

The trap through the cylindrical cycle or pattern of getting upset and drinking. Normally, alcohols depressive nature isn't really noticeable when you drink and parties or with other people. But when you are already sad and upset at yourself, and you drink because you are upset then this only digs the hole a deeper.

Here are some signs; see if they apply to you.

1. I drank alone.

2. The thought, Life sucks, I really need a drink crossed my mind.

3. I drank not to have fun, but to get away.

This is something I struggle with a lot, any tips for me?

The Mission

2008-05-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone this is Scott.

This is my first blog, so please be patient with me. I have realized that within today's society there is a huge hole. People are social beings, beings who reach out to one another in need. For us guys, many of us depend on our significant others for this crucial help and support. But what happens on that day when "they" leave us. The people who we gave our hearts to, who helped us through thick and thin, are now gone.

My mission is to create an environment in which us guys can help each other through these especially rough break ups that leave us hurt, lonely, and depressed. We have all been there, and with each others help we can all move on to something better. So please, spread the word, help is here.