*Brianna vs. Life

The Beliefs That Surround My Reality

2010-12-14T15:12:00.001-05:00

I have my own thoughts about what the ideal values/beliefs are (at least in My Reality) and they will never change. A few I will share and the rest can be discovered and learned scattered throughout my future postings. (Funny my posts have went from words for James, who never needed or deserved them, to a world of people I do not know that can appreciate them more than he ever would have.)

1) I have the utmost respect for religious beliefs; I prefer to not go into a church (except if there is an art purpose), because I feel disrespectful toward believers. I am Atheist and I cannot be swayed to believe in God. I did my research and no matter what I have been told, I cannot force myself to have faith in something I believe is an imaginary character from a fiction book. It is enough to be BiPolar, if I start talking to imaginary higher forces, I'm going to end up back in the hospital for talking to imaginary things. Just Kidding, I know even the religious can see humor in my statement. If you can't poke fun at yourself and what life decided to be your next challenge, we're all in trouble.

2) I do not believe in regret. Right or wrong: I had made my own decisions in life and learned from each of the lessons that life offered from those decisions. When someone regrets what has happened or a choice they made, it causes more negativity: resentment, hostility, anger at yourself, disappointment, a heavy feeling of self-loathing, and this list could go on but I am moving away from adding more negative words.

3) I do not believe I am better that anyone else and so I am not a judgemental person. I prefer to give everyone a chance. The chance only comes once. Someone usually exposes who they are because of my perosnality, somehow they feel comfortable doing so. An outward apperance means nothing, who a person truly is always glows through that outward appearance. Isn't our body just a storage place for our soul and the person we are inside?

4) I do not believe one person is better than other people; everyone has their own demons and struggles in life. Some people have gained life expereince to become better equipped or started in a better position to handle situations, issues, problems, pain, and such. So, people respond through their character and personality with how they have handled their demons. "They" have always said, "You never know what the stranger next to you is dealing with." A person's environment and lifestyle all contribute to behavior. A poor man with nothing can be a better person than the rich snotty kid who always buys the whole bar drinks, the snotty kid might be so insecure that he buys the drinks for acceptance. (But the poor man might appreciate the free beer. :)

5) Sometimes I will smile at people passing by; maybe that simple gesture changed their day or demeanor. A Personal example: I woke up yesterday very depressed and unwilling or wanting to leave my bed but after checking my cell; I had an e-mail from a new friend that was so comforting and so encouraging that I was out of bed 30 seconds later. The smallest kindness can change a moment, that moment could change an hour, that hour a day, continuing to the point of changing a life. If a small gesture of kindness takes no time or energy from life and could change a day or life for someone else, then why not? Plus, smiling and the positive energy is good for everybody.

So, I found another one of My Reality's rules and I thought I would just add it to the bottom of my beliefs list.

I do not respond kindly to people who have crossed me or crossed the people I am loyal to and love.

Note: I want to put in an update about my plan to create a social network: it is going to take a WHILE! But it is going to happen and I will keep up with the updates.

-xoxo

A Big Project Ahead

2010-12-13T15:16:00.000-05:00

With the right research and hard work - I am going to build us an online community. I have never seen a place with the blogs, forums, chat, groups, whatever for Mental Hygiene. So, guess what: I am going to make sure we have our own version of "Facebook" or "Myspace." Wish me Luck. I will post again after I feel I have built the beginning of a foundation.

And while I accomplish building a home for us, I am also going to deal with this crazy ex-girlfriend (of my brother) who is an addict slut's next stunt. It wasn't enough for her to call until I had to file a complaint. She decided to come by the house last night and put a cute little dent in his bumper.

But life has to even out - build community because I want to and deal with my brother's problems because he is 45 minutes away busy with his girlfriend and I need to.

Am I upset about this? Yes, stress is not suppose to be on my to-do list being I am on recovery after my hospital visit. And okay, he is dealing with staying clean after his rehab visit.

But I see one BIG difference: He chose to snort pills. I never asked to become BiPolar. Sorry, I needed to vent because it seems like I am more concerned then he is. UGH.

-xoxo

My Reality Has Rules and Morals I Follow

2010-12-13T13:50:00.000-05:00

*Life if not a dream. But, I have experienced and survived enough nightmares a 1000 average people are lucky to never know. And I do not plan to force myself through one more nightmare. I am only headed towards positive life experiences.

*Speaking of positives, my psychologist from college helped me train my brain to find a positive in ANY (even the hopeless) situations. Thus, I am always trying to be and stay positive. I hate the negative: energy, talk, actions, thoughts, etc. (And my body and energy filter in negative around me.)

*I am blunt/honest (almost too blunt and honest for my own good); when I trust someone - they EARNED it with blood, sweat, and tears (please excuse the cliche). So, trust is not immediate. I have tortured myself and suffered too much to just give away my trust.

*I do not believe something is impossible. There is a solution to EVERY problem. It just takes creative thinking.

*I am very loyal. But loyalty also takes earning, but until then, I am loyal according to "normal" standards. My idea of loyalty exceeds the norm ten fold.

*I have a need to complicate everything. Even the simplest things. I prefer complicated. Simple is boring.

*Me and boredom are not friends, I have a knack for keeping myself from becoming bored. Possible causes of boredom: routine, the dull/mundane, "normal," and simple.

*I do not believe in the words: forever, I promise, and I'm sorry. These words were ruined mainly by drug addicts sprinkled throughout my life and NO, they weren't all boyfriends. They came in the forms of ONE boyfriend, close friends, and more than one family member.

*I like me and don't care if other people like me. I still get to spend time with me, so it is their loss. Yeah, I am a confident person.

*It is a bad idea to underestimate me all together. But it is a VERY VERY BAD idea to underestimate my intelligence.

*I will be the first to admit when I am wrong and I am well aware of my personality flaws.

*I am very strong willed, independent, I do not fold under pressure, and I need to figure things out for myself and that works out best. Because I need to reinvent my own way of doing something anyway.

I never know where this piece (my writing I am posting) will take me until I start writing. Looks like what the scattered hand went scribbling onto the page next is about the beliefs in my reality. Although, I know these aren't all my morals and rules.

-xoxo

Why Would a God Cause a Good Person to Suffer?

2010-12-12T22:14:00.001-05:00

So, I took a break from my current work of bringing to life the words resting inside my journal because I stumbled upon this:

The Scarlet Letter of Atheism

Stumbling upon this letter makes me think about the stigma it carries. I can handle myself with the faith vs. no faith type of conversations and laugh when religion is pushed at me. I have better morals (hey, you'll hear all about them in my next post) then religious people I know. But here is the most beautiful A I have seen.

As an Atheist, I never thought we should be wearing the Scarlet Letter. But I'm wearing it with pride. The same way I wear my permanent Atheist symbol behind my ear. :) See Below

If you want to add the Scarlett Letter of Atheism to your site:

http://outcampaign.org/

you can find further directions on adding the Scarlett Letter of Atheism.

Being BiPolar and Atheist is interesting because sometimes - the idea of a higher power is pushed towards me. As if, some higher power is going to come and take all the pain away and cure my disease and fix the mishaps in my CNS. Either way, I still remain respectful toward other's religious faith. But they aren't for me.
I believe in myself. If I spent time believing in a higher power, that takes away from my energy better spent to help me handle my life struggles. Asking something I don't believe in for help is just silly. Sorry, but if I don't believe in myself - who will? And no, I don't believe in myself as a creator or something. I just believe I have the will and strength to survive through my BP and achieve my goals.

I discovered the tattoo Atheist symbol here: http://athterisk.org/

It has a very humanistic meaning and that is why I chose it. We Atheist have never been able to agree on a symbol.

I mean no disrespect to anyone religious who may read this. Think of it like when you have a cross on your webpage. You don't have it there for a disrespectful reason. You are just representing your faith. Well, I am just representing the facts I gained through studying different subjects and knowing the reality of factual knowledge.

-xoxo

"Faith is Doubt." -Emily Dickinson

What I Can Promise

2010-12-11T20:48:00.001-05:00

*I don't do normal. It causes unhappiness. Unhappiness then leads to depression, boredom, and a TON of other aggravations.
*I am a pain in the ass.
*I will have moments when I am crying and you may believe I am crying for no reason and most likely I am. But depression hurts, a lot sometimes. So understand at these moments I am most delicate and will need your support.
*I will always surprise you. Mainly good surprises, but every once in awhile it might be a bad surprise. (I can only get as close to perfect as am, just kidding.)
*I am an artist, in well; every shape, form, mood, eccentricity, etc. But this also means I always have a creative solution.
*I am one of a kind. There is only one me and there will never be another me.
*My favorite, strongest, and most beautiful artistic ability is writing. I am a wordsmith. And the answer is yes, I will dissect every and all words that are said, written, thought, or hanging around. So, think before using the wrong word because the wrong word could cause problems. Well, it probably depends on my rationality at the given moment.
*I love making, creating, cooking, anything that is going to have a beautiful outcome in this clammy world.
*I hate money. Don't ever think or worry I am or will become materialistic.

I ended my promises to James here. This is when my mind took a detour into the details about myself. My mind started confusing promises with this idea that he had to understand me. Rationally, I knew it was dumb to move in with this guy. Yet, the only person who could have changed my mind was James changing his mind. I suppose now that I finished the promising and reached the subject of ME! I won't have to worry about the formatting of this blog again!

oh, there should be a link to a sun kil moon video - everybody needs to have sun kil moon in thier life!

*xoxo

My Edge of Maniac Madness

2010-12-11T18:04:00.003-05:00

     Finding myself escaping what should have been at least a hypomania, if not maniac episode, I gained control of the episode by spending almost 12 VERY focused hours writing about me. Or at least what my close to maniac mind thinks of me. So, what better way to begin this story then to let my reality expose itself. Who I am, what I believe, my little philosophies, what I love or hate (because I can't just like or dislike something - I either love it or hate it).
     The writing started as a list of things to this guy James. He wanted me to move in with him and his daughter. I had only spent about a total of 12 hours with him during 2 separate occassions and had never met his little girl. James and I spoke on the phone and whatnot, but to move in?
     I suppose when you have an alcoholic with a little girl who needs a female around - you have a better chance asking an irrational thinking and impulsive behaving happy go-lucky BiPolar to agree then a rational person.
     Luckily, I thought through the idea of moving in with someone I barely knew and decided to let him know through words: what I could and couldn't promise I would and wouldn't do when I moved in. This way he'd know what to expect.
     Eventually, writing out the promises became writing out my thoughts and ideas of who I am and why I believe certain things then the writing evolved into the rules I created for myself and some strange attempt at connecting my ideas into a philosphy of sorts.
     It has been awhile since I last read this maddness. But I want to share my words because, well I never did have a chance to share my 12 hours of words with James.
     I started the promise list with bullet points and it was titled: What I Can Promise.

-xoxo