Bright Lights, Sweaty Armpits

Retinol That Really Works

2024-12-09T08:53:00.000-06:00

Happy Monday! This is such a fun time of year as work and school wind down - I'm so looking forward to winter break!

I recently had a facial and the esthetician I've gone to regularly asked if I was using retinol. I said, "Why yes I am, how can you tell?" She told me that it was clearly helping the lines on my forehead. Score!

Sharing my favorite retinol HERE. The best news? It's non irritating. I have eczema, so I have to be careful about what I use on my face and body. This product never irritates my skin!

Have a great week!

Why Breastfeeding Sucks...Literally

2019-01-22T19:57:00.001-06:00

Breastfeeding and I butted heads from the beginning.

It wasn't that my nearly 9.5 pound baby didn't latch on (of course he did, the kid was starving!), it was that as many women know, you don't realize you have a "bad latch" until it looks like you've gone to 2nd base with Edward Scissorshands. Even the nurses in the hospital told me they'd never seen such unique blueish/purple lines. Were they cuts? Bruises? I guess my pale Welsh ancestors didn't exactly pass on the toughest of skin.

The agony continued at home, with each feeding feeling like an electrical shock of pain. I decided I needed to hire a very well known breastfeeding consultant to help me out, and like everyone else who saw the girls, she gasped when I opened my shirt and showed her the damage. She said there was no way to work on a "good latch" since everything would feel like shooting pain and advised me to exclusively pump so that I could have time to heal. It was a lot of work -- pumping and feeding every three hours, but my husband, mom and mother-in-law helped out a ton.

"Mommy, why do you always have ice on my food?"

Fast forward to several weeks later, I had finally healed and was ready to breastfeed again. I phased it in slowly... such as feeding once, pumping five times, then feeding twice, pumping four times, etc. We were finally on the right track! Jack and I were getting into a good little routine until...a plugged duct turned into a nasty case of mastitis. With the help of my mom, mother-in-law and husband, I slept all day in a puddle of sweat, and would only get up to pump every few hours. It took every ounce of energy to get my weak body out of bed to do so.

Two rounds of antibiotics later -- and the doctors realized that my mastitis hadn't healed, but instead turned into a very rare and large abscess. (I've read that they only occur in 3-11% of mastitis cases.) It was so large, in fact, that Jack could no longer latch because the tumor-looking abscess was in his way. (Thank god babies don't remember this stage. There wouldn't be enough therapy in the world.)

The first doctor I went to referred me to a specialist who used an ultrasound to drain it with a needle. It was so large though that she had to refer me another doctor who told me she had no other option than to cut it open and drain everything inside. As she was draining it, her exact words to me were, "This isn't the most puss I've seen, but you're in the top 5." (Finally! I competed at Miss USA years ago and did not score that high.)

She numbed me so I couldn't feel her cutting, but I could feel the puss running down my body. (Oh, and an extra disgusting bonus? I had to keep the hole open for the next two weeks by packing it with gauze by using a medical Q-tip to stuff it in. It was the grossest thing I've ever done. My mother-in-law, who is a former nurse, helped. We bonded in ways that no mother and daughter-in-law should.)

Not ready to give up the dream, I tried to pump later that day, but realized after pumping in the dark that the cups were filled with more blood and puss than breast milk. I blacked out from the grossness of it all, and when I awoke, I said, "Okay, this is my sign. Breastfeeding is not meant for me." I then spent the next week in agony while trying to dry up cold turkey, and cried for the next two weeks about what a terrible mother I was.

My experience was not only painful, but it also made me realize that many people try to make you feel guilty (whether they mean to or not) if you're not breastfeeding. There's this whole pro-breastfeeding movement with articles, social posts and hashtags...and well it sucks (literally!) because it only makes the mom guilt worse.

So for all of you who can't, or don't want to breastfeed, this list is for you. Here are my top six reasons you shouldn't feel guilty if it doesn't work for you.

My Top 6 Reasons You Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Not Breastfeeding

It's Damn Inconvenient- When I went back to work, I realized that I was going to have to schlep my pump and milk to a different...borough. I was lucky that I often worked from our Manhattan apartment, but when I did need to go to the office, it was across the river in Brooklyn. That meant I would have needed to haul my laptop, pump and milk supplies 1) Onto a cramped shuttle from our building to the subway stop then 2) Onto an even more cramped A train then 3) Transfer it to the C Train and then 4) Walk it another 0.4 miles to work. I could have then pumped in the bathroom or storage closet to then try to find room in the office refrigerator among my millennial colleague's hemp sandwiches. (I will say my awesome boss later gave up his office to allow one of my colleague's to pump and he definitely would have done the same for me. Isn't that great?) And to all of you who do schlep all your supplies daily so you can continue your journey, I tip my hat to you.
It Hurts- I know I'm not speaking from the best experience, but aside from bruising and mastitis, my boobs HURT every three hours. I'm a petite woman and those things ballooned to an F-cup. (Apparently I was an over producer.) I literally couldn't be away from Jack or a pump for more than three hours. I remember being at brunch with my girlfriends and cringing when one ordered a second drink. I had only been out for two hours but I felt like I was going to explode. And when I tried to run for a workout, I had to hold each breast because of the pain. Holy moly! Carrying two milk jugs is not easy.
It's Hard- Have you ever noticed on the "how to breastfeed" video online, the women have those porn star boobs that not only can be maneuvered in any direction to easily feed their child, but it could also probably feed a kid two tables over? For the rest of us with smaller or super swollen breasts that are close to our bodies, it's not as easy. Porn star boobs= easy. Non porn star boobs= harder.
It May Not Be What It Seems- Yeah, yeah, I know. You can't login to Instagram without seeing a celebrity, influencer or friend breastfeeding their baby or showing all the breast milk she's donating because she just has too much, blah, blah, blah. (I cried for 1/2 an hour when I saw Olivia Wilde post a picture of her breastfeeding like 10 minutes after my journey ended.) Here's the thing: it's a whole lot easier to breastfeed when you aren't working. Or if you have a huge support system like a night nurse or an assistant. Or when you don't have any issues with it in the first place. Try to remember that most people only put the good stuff on social media. They aren't posting about all their breastfeeding tears, their postpartum depression or cellulite. Am I right??
Formula Is Really, Really Good- One of my amazing co-workers (who's a former nanny) consoled me after I gave up breastfeeding and said, "Don't you have to add supplements to breast milk? And with formula, you don't have to add a thing, right? That should make you feel better already." Listen, I'm not trying to say that formula is better than breast milk (please save the nasty comments), I'm just saying that it's 2019 and formula is really, really, good. If they can have driverless cars, I'm fairly certain they can make a pretty great formula. And besides, Jack who is now almost 5 years old, is smart, funny, happy and one of the most polite kids you'll meet, so I'm pretty sure I didn't screw him up (yet).
You Don't Have to Be That Mom- Instead of constantly posting on social media about how proud you are that you're breastfeeding or designating special hashtags to let the world know how much better you are than the rest of us (I want to punch anyone who says Breast is Best. It's like no Betty, I'm pretty sure not being a judgemental bitc* is best), you can instead spend time doing what mothers should be doing -- drinking wine and talking shit about other mothers. And an added bonus? You could designate special hasthtags to showcase other bodily functions and how great they are! I have a few suggestions here: #PoopingAfterCoffeeIsBest #IFartWhenILaugh #IAlsoPeeALittleBit #ActuallyALotOfBit

Moms I don't like

2018-06-27T20:30:00.002-05:00

I'm now the mom to two boys (two! yikes), a 4-year old son Jack and a 4-month old son Will. As I'm spending more time with other parents and kids through daycare, preschool, countless playground visits and weekend activities, I've realized there are a lot of moms I just don't like.

I know, I know, these are the things we're supposed to think and not say. But I'm sleep deprived and sassy AF this week, so I'm breaking down the worst offenders in this VERY important round-up of the most annoying moms. This is not fake news, people.

The Overreacting To Injuries Mom

We've all seen it...the kid stubs his toe on the playground and the mom falls apart. She runs in a movie-like slow motion yelling and pushing everyone out of the way. "Oh my gaaaawwwwddddd Blane, are you okay? Mommy's here!!!!!"

The two embrace and Blane-- who WAS perfectly fine-- is now crying because his mom is freaking his shit out.

The mom screams "Can anyone find a doctor, I think he might lose this toe!"

Then the reality kicks in that all kids fall daily (and bleed just as often) and Blane is going to be just fine (for now), but we all know Blane is going to grow up to be the biggest pussy in school. (Sorry, too harsh?)

The Cheerleader Mom

This is the mom who goes over the top to tell her child how great he is, therefore, ensuring in 20 years he's going to be the guy that every. single. girl avoids in the bars because he'll grow up thinking he is the best.

You know this type of mom. Anytime the kids does ANYTHING, mama cheers with the kind of enthusiasm usually only seen by tween girls at Justin Bieber concerts.

The kid kicks the ball at soccer? "Well done Oscar!!!!!" The kid stands where he's supposed to? "Nice job Blake!!!!" The kid does a pee in the potty (even though he's 6), "You rock Graham!"

Oscar, Blake, Graham...you poor little dudes. Life is going to be a big ol' slap in the face.

The MIA Mom

This is the mom who is apparently unaware that her child has been able to use his lit cigarette to start a fire in the playground.

Perhaps she's got her face buried in her iPhone updating her Facebook status or she's hiding in her car for a few quiet moments to enjoy her flask of whiskey...I guess we'll never know.

The craziest story I heard of an MIA mom involved a 6 or 7-year-old boy on a New York City playground who had pulled his pants down and was waving his man parts around, attempting to pee on anyone who came near. Kids, parents, park employees...it didn't matter, his penis believed in equal rights for all.

Other moms, who were clearly horrified, spent a solid 10 minutes trying to find the MIA mother.

They never did.

I can guarantee if either of my boys uses the playground as the site of his Chippendales tryout, I'll be shutting that down faster than Kim Kardashian's first or second marriage. (Betcha you didn't know Kanye is lucky #3. That could be a Jeopardy question someday. You're welcome.)

The Raising a Mike Tyson Wannabe Mom

Some boys are just violent dickheads. Okay, there I said it. You'll be enjoying a nice summer day at the playground or a sports activity, and this boy (and often his equally awful siblings) are inflicting as much pain as possible onto the other kids.

Here are the common scenarios: Perhaps another kid is on the swing Mike wants? That deserves a punch.

Or maybe another kid is trying to go down the slide before Mike? That deserves a karate chop to the face.

The kids are violent and their mothers clearly have no control over the situation. No bueno. The only fights I want to see are on the Real Housewives.

The Empty Threats Mom

Let's say Mike Tyson's mom IS trying to get her son to calm down and not be so violent or pay attention to (insert various activities here) but the kid is not. having. it. So she threatens that they have to leave.

But said behavior doesn't change.

So she threatens to leave again.

Nada.

And threatens again.

Well, you get it. Empty Threats Mom, I'm afraid you've just been played, sucka'.

Summary

In recapping this important blog post, I'm realizing that all of my scenarios involve boys. I am the mom to two boys, so I don't know what it's like to raise girls, but I couldn't help but wonder (yes, you should be reading that in Carrie Bradshaw's voice) are boys just more difficult to raise???

Oy vey.

(My boys. Mostly cool.)

Facebook Moms Groups

2017-08-29T21:32:00.001-05:00

After I had Jack three years ago, I joined quite a few Facebook moms groups. They are often hugely helpful so you can ask things like:

Is it normal for my toddler to act like such an asshole? (Yes)

Is it normal that my baby hasn't pooped in five days. (No)

The New York City Facebook moms groups are particularly entertaining because you have a funny mix of moms who post about their million dollar apartments or Hamptons homes they are selling because they need more room (samsies), or they want to warn you about the notorious spitting woman on the Upper East Side who will spit at you and your children if you get too close. (I'm not making this up.)

There are also quite a few moms who will post photos of nannies and say something like, "If this is your nanny, I think you should know she was looking at her phone the entire time she was at the playground and not paying attention to your child." I laugh, thinking if any of those same complaining parents spent five days in a row with their kids, they'd probably be disengaged some (all) of the time too.

But today, I saw the post of all posts. The kind of post that you scroll past but then go back because you think whoa, did that just say what I think it said? Here's the post:

I apologize, I should have warned you to sit down before reading such a horrendous post. These poor innocent Upper West Side dogs were forced to dress up today in costume AND be photographed, just for some awful woman's amusement.

It's shocking and upsetting, I know.

After I composed my ~~laughter~~ self, I couldn't wait to read the comments so I could see how people were letting this woman know she was being ridiculous. I started scrolling through the comments and found...well...not what I was expecting.

Wait, what? They're agreeing with this woman? Am I being punked?

Despite Mike's advice to never get involved with Facebook discussions, I couldn't help myself because this was maybe the most ridiculous thing ever, especially in light of everything going on in Houston right now. So, I responded with this:

I have to be honest, I'm quite proud of the fact that my comment has received the most likes of any in this post. As you can imagine, this stirred the pot a bit...

Surprise, surprise...the woman who is secretly plotting my death tonight has her profile picture set as...a dog.

So, I guess we all learned an important lesson here today-- if you're going to dress up dogs in costume to take photos of them, do it on the Upper East Side because the Upper West Side mamas ain't having none of it.

Things to Do in New York City

2016-04-06T21:11:00.003-05:00

Every month or so I get a Facebook message from a friend, former colleague or classmate telling me they are coming to New York and they'd love to know the must-do's from an insider. Since it's not a quick or easy answer, I promise to get back to them....and well...job, baby, dogs, husband...boom, I forget, and I don't think about it again until I see their posts from Times Square or the Empire State Building.

Doh. Then I feel like a real jerk.

So here you go...for all those who want to know, here are my favorite things to do and eat in New York City. Enjoy!

To Do

Central Park- One of my favorite ways to spend a few hours in New York is to walk around Central Park. I've been there 100 times, and I still find myself on a new path, seeing new things. It's particularly gorgeous right now with the trees blooming. Most people start near Columbus Circle and walk north or east from there. Tip: The farther north you go, the less busy it is. If you want to take a carriage, they are lined up along Central Park South.

Brooklyn Bridge- Walking the Brooklyn Bridge is also so fun and again, free! Tip: Take the subway to the entrance near City Hall (Lower Manhattan) and walk from there. It's also really fun to take the ferry back to Manhattan. Tickets are available on the Brooklyn side, where it departs. Tip 2: While walking on the bridge, stay off the bike path. They go super fast and are a bit loco.
River Cruises- Some of my favorite NYC nights have been cruising around the Hudson and/or East Rivers! The views of the city are spectacular, plus they'll take you up close to the Statue of Liberty. One of my favorites is this Classic Harbor Line Sunset Cruise. Discounted tickets available on Zerve. It's quaint and the staff is so friendly.
Broadway Show- Yes, they are wildly overpriced, but people love a good Broadway Show. My faves: Jersey Boys, Motown and A Gentleman's Guide to Love & Murder (no longer playing, I think) :-( Kinky Boots is also on my list. Tip: Check out sites/apps like Goldstar or TodayTix to get discounted tickets.
Empire State Building- Spectacular views and great photo opps...no other thrills. Tip: Splurge for the Express passes. It will save you hours in line.
9/11 Memorial- I haven't been since the museum was finished, but I hear it's just beyond touching. (I'm not far enough post-baby and emotionally ready. The memorial itself made me have the ugly cries.) I also hear the views from the observatory are simply amazing.
Brunch- If there's one thing New Yorkers love, it's having brunch. Usually around 12 pm or 12:30 pm so we don't feel guilty drinking. Do it! There are so many great restaurants in this city.

Where to Eat

This is such a tough question! I've heard there are between 25,000-30,000 restaurants in New York City. Here are some of my faves:

Upstairs at the Kimberly- My favorite brunch spot. Great for drinks too! Super beautiful views (Midtown)
Catch NYC- Amazing dinner location and usually good celebrity spotting! Fun fact: My girlfriend and I were there the same night as John Legend's birthday party and I used the bathroom stall right after Chrissy Teigen, so my butt touched where hers did just seconds before. Winning! (Meatpacking District)
Almond- There are a couple locations, but I've been to the Tribeca one for dinner. Super great ambiance and wonderful food (Tribeca)
Park Ave Spring (Summer, Fall, Winter)- This restaurant on Park Ave. changes its menu and ambiance every season and it's gorgeous! I recently had the Maine Lobster dish that made me want to cry happy tears. (It's expensive) (Flatiron)
El Centro- Super amazing place nearish to Times Square. The best Mexican food I've had in the city. (Try their steak burrito and flavored margaritas.) It's small and they don't take reservations, so get there early! (Hell's Kitchen)
Remi- This is another good one closeish to Times Square. Their bread with goat cheese sauce is to die for. Drinks are reasonably priced too. (Theater District)
Mandarin Oriental- This is a really fun place to do afternoon tea. Great views of Central Park! Near Columbus Circle. (Midtown)
Molly's Cupcakes- The BEST cupcakes in New York City. Try the cake batter. (West Village)

Transportation

The subway really is the best, easiest and cheapest way to get around NYC. Uber is good too, unless they have surge pricing, then run far, far away. Cabs are great and are usually easy to hail, unless it's raining. Tip: Download the NYC Subway App (with the white train and red/black background). It works even when you're underground and you can see what trains to use.

Hotels

I don't have a ton of insights here, but I do know that most in Times Square are good. People seem to love the Marriott Marquis. Other good ones (not in Times Square), Empire Hotel, Hotel Hugo and the Lucerne.

I think that's about it! Now go enjoy this crazy, fabulous city! (And don't get mugged. Ha!)

When a teacher changes your life

2015-10-19T16:10:00.001-05:00

Time.

Oh time.

Why are you such a precious commodity that always seems to be about six inches out of reach? The daily to-do's get pushed to another day...and then another. On Friday nights, we dream about you and all the great ways we're going to use you over the next couple of days, and then poof, in a blink and a breath, you are once again slipping away from us.

Oh time.

That feeling of never having enough seems so much harsher now with a 16-month old and a job and a household. Responsibilities. Bills. Life.

A few years ago, in an effort to stay on top of things, I bought a decorative wicker basket to keep my stash of to-do's. You know-- bills to pay, 401k statements to look over, pet health care reminders to call on...

And this. A handwritten note from my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Christine Perryman, dated March 9, 2012, a full 25 years after I had been in her class.

Mrs. Perryman had bumped into my mother and they chatted, as they so often did. My mom shared the news that I had recently had a miscarriage, and Mrs. Perryman was deeply saddened by the loss. Not long after their conversation, I received this incredibly thoughtful note, which in part said:

"It seems life can be so trying...so always remember to lean on God and don't quit smiling your beautiful smile! I will be praying for you."

I was beyond touched. The fact that a teacher I had had more than two decades prior was still thinking about me was beautiful and exactly what I needed to heal from the loss of my baby.

So I put the note in my wicker basket with the excited intent to thank Mrs. Perryman and tell her how much it meant. But a move from Chicago to New York City, a new job, and later a big bundle of joy named Jack, always seemed to get in the way.

Sadly today, I got the news that I'll never be able to share with Mrs. Perryman just how much that note meant to me. At just 53 years old, she passed away after a long battle with cancer. Her time was taken away much, much too soon.

Mrs. Perryman wasn't just a teacher, she was THE teacher. The best. My favorite. The one that made me get it. The one who turned my C's and D's into A's and the honor roll. She turned me from someone who was totally disinterested in learning to someone who couldn't soak it up quickly enough. In college, when I got a two-year tuition scholarship, my family and I joked that we should send her a check as a thank you. She was patient, and fun, and beautiful, and smart and everything I wanted to be.

Dang you time.

Today, with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart, I say thank you Mrs. Perryman.

I'm so sorry I didn't say it sooner.

My mom found my 4th grade report card. Mrs. Perryman shared sweet words back then too.

http://www.wyomingnews.com/articles/2015/10/18/obituaries/09obit_10-18-15.txt#.ViU5kmSrQ1g

Reporter and photographer killed on live TV

2015-08-26T15:39:00.000-05:00

My heart is so heavy. I've been fighting back tears all day and I'm no longer winning that fight as I sit at my desk thinking about the Virginia news reporter and photographer murdered early this morning on live TV. It's a story that is so utterly shocking and disgusting, that throughout the day, I've had to remind myself that it's real.

Alison Parker and Adam Ward drove into work early this morning, just like it was any other day. They loaded their gear into the live truck....perhaps Alison put on her makeup while Adam drove...perhaps they turned up the radio to listen to and sing along to their favorite song...perhaps they spoke about the love they had for their fiancee and boyfriend, whom they left behind at the station when they departed. What they never imagined is that around 6:45 am, a former co-worker they had only worked with for a short time, would open fire on them, and record the whole incident on his cell phone in a sickening final gesture.

This story hits so unbelievably close to home because I was that reporter. I was the 24-year old budding journalist working in small market TV. I was the morning reporter who interviewed representatives from the chamber of commerce about tourism. I was the one secretly dating a co-worker who would later become my husband. I was the one who loved working with my morning photographer and would take silly photos together and laugh until our bellies hurt. I was the one who had people come up and watch my live shots. I was the one who had my back turned so I could face the interview subject, making me unaware of what anyone was doing behind me. I was Alison Parker.

Working in television news can be scary. There were certainly bad neighborhoods, bad situations, standoffs, hurricanes and sketchy people that made me worry for my safety. But it was never on a warm summer morning in August while promoting a tourism event. I guess that is perhaps our only solace-- that Alison and Adam never saw it coming.

To the families of Alison and Adam, and to Vicki Gardner who is recovering from her gunshot wounds, the nation mourns with you. Our hearts are heavy. There are no words except to say we are praying for you today.

How to earn money back for shopping online

2015-05-21T14:51:00.000-05:00

In New York City, I do a lot of online shopping. It seems silly, I know, that I'm mere miles from some of the best shopping in the world, but with a job and a baby, finding the time to go out and fight the crowds is few and far between.

I have to let you in on perhaps the best kept secret in online shopping. Ebates. Have you heard of it? You literally get cash back for shopping online, and yes, it's truly that simple. Look what I just got back from a recent online trip to Macys.com:

$93.95! Just for shopping online! Mike needed a couple of new suits (I threw in a pair of strappy sandals), Macy's was offering 16% cash back, and boom...I scored almost $100 for just clicking a couple of buttons of the ol' mouse.

Here's how it works: sign up for a free online account. Then it will show you all the hundreds (thousands?) of stores that offer cash back. You click on those stores through the Ebates site, and voila...you're on your way to earning 1-16% back, depending on the store.

I even took it a step further and installed Ebates on my browser, so it automatically tells me each time I click into a website that it is Ebates friendly. (Do you see the red "E" on the right? That's it.) I then click on the "activate cash back" button and I'm all set. Your money is either sent to you via a check in the mail or through PayPal. (I just signed up for PayPal to save the paper.)

Since I started using this in late December, I've earned nearly $350 back!!! That's crazy.

I would HIGHLY encourage you to sign up, and it would be amazing if you'd join through my referral link. (You get $20-$30 for referring people too...yippee!)
http://www.ebates.com/rf.do?referrerid=AYXj7iHxDLG%2BF1WlhqkQTQ%3D%3D&eeid=26471
In case they ask, my account is under Jeannie Evanchan, jeanniecrofts@yahoo.com.

It's the best thing EVER! Now, go do some shopping :-) xo

We aren't vaccinating our baby. Here's why...

2015-03-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate...that is the question. It's certainly a topic that has parents heated on both sides. As the mother to an adorable, smiley and super fun 9-month old son, I can tell you that I only want what's best for him. And for me, that choice is to not vaccinate. Before you criticize, take a look at my top reasons why:

We live in New York City. A city of 8 million people-- the densest city in America with 27,000 people per square mile. Why should our son be the one to get vaccinated? There are 7,999,999 other people who should. Not our son, no way.

To that point, we have decided it's probably not safe to take him on the subway. Or the bus. Or a ferry. Or the playground. Luckily for us, he can't get into daycare since he's unvaccinated or see his pediatrician because she only sees vaccinated kids, so we're going to just keep him in a nice and protected bubble in our apartment. He will co-sleep and breastfeed until he's 10-- and I'm sure he'll be a totally well-adjusted adult.

We have chosen not to vaccinate our son just like we've chosen not to put him in a car seat. Nope, it's laps all the way for us. Nor will he wear a seat belt or sit in a booster seat. If at anytime he has an open bleeding wound, we will not take him to the doctor. We have opted for the parenting philosophies called "We don't want no sissies" and "We don't give in to societal pressure."

We have decided not to vaccinate because that one UK doctor and Jenny McCarthy bring up some super valid points. True, Jenny McCarthy posed in Playboy and that doctor had his medical license revoked, and yes he was found guilty of "serious professional misconduct," and yes his study was discredited, and yes he only studied 12 kids, but that's some scary shit. Fear over fact, every time.

We have decided not to vaccinate because it's not like these diseases even exist anymore. I hear that measles outbreak at Disneyland was just the liberal media trying to scare us. (Or wait, was it conservative lawmakers?) Either way, I'm not buying it. Oh and I love how they try to convince us that the disease has a 90% transmission rate among people who are not immunized. #Lies #Liberalagenda

We have chosen not to vaccinate because autism is at an all-time high. So is our population, pollution and use of pesticides, but remember, ~~Dr.~~ Wakefield said it was vaccines. So I believe him because he ~~has~~ had an MD at the end of his name.

And finally...we have decided not to vaccinate our kid...because, get real. Of course we're vaccinating him! When I look at Jack and hear his adorable laughter and see his sweet smile with just two bottom teeth, I know without a moment's hesitation that I would jump in front of a speeding train for him. I would take a bullet. I would fight off a grizzly bear. And despite my fears about him going out into this great, big, unforgiving world, I know that I'm doing everything I can as a mother to keep him safe and protected. And a major part of that is getting him vaccinated.

Parents-- I know it's scary. I know the dark thoughts that keep us up at night, the visions of something bad happening, being worried nearly sick over our children. But I promise you, getting them the protection they need against highly contagious viruses and diseases in this huge, highly-mobile world, is the best decision you can make.

Now, should I take away the matches and knives he's playing with?

P.S.- No need to post comments trying to sway me not to vaccinate. It will NEVER happen.

P.P.S- If you don't vaccinate your kids and we're friends or neighbors, let me know, because we will avoid you like the plague (just like the one you're trying to bring back).

How to become a true New Yorker- curse out a woman at LaGuardia

2015-02-12T12:47:00.003-06:00

In two and a half years of living in NYC (and three years in Chicago prior to that) I've dealt with plenty of long lines, traffic, crowded sidewalks and stores. But I decided long ago that it's a tax of sorts for living in a really cool, culturally-rich location that everyone else wants to be in too. And I credit it with actually making me more patient. In fact, it usually doesn't faze me when someone bumps into me or doesn't hold a door, because I get that people are in a hurry and are often totally oblivious. Instead I try to remember the people who are polite and I usually make over them with a, "Thank you! You are too kind!!" I even told one man who went out of his way to hold the elevator that he was a really good person sprinkling lots of karma in the world.

Well...I guess even the most laid-back person can lose it every now and again as evidenced when my alter ego Sasha Fierce took over last night and I told a woman trying to steal our cab to, "Shut the fuc* up!" Here's how it went down...

My mom and I took my 8-month old son, Jack, to Florida for a wonderful 10-day winter getaway. We landed at LaGuardia with tons of bags, so I decided to rent a "smart carte." Before I put my credit card into the machine, a worker with a giant cart said he would help us for the same price. "Great!" I said, knowing the extra help would be needed with a baby. After he loaded the bags, we headed for the cab line. There wasn't room for the cart, so the worker directing cabs told us to go wait past the cab stand, and he would send the next available SUV or van cab to us so we'd have room. Perfect.

We waited for several minutes while the smaller cabs picked up other passengers. Finally, an SUV pulled up so we started making our way to it. At the same time, an older looking woman darted toward the cab and started getting into it. The cab line guy realized what was happening and told the woman, "I'm sorry, they were here first. This is their cab. We'll get you the next one."

Well, she wasn't having it.

This was clearly a woman who isn't used to waiting. She is, however, used to wearing a full-length fur coat, not thanking the doorman in her Upper East Side building for helping her with her bags and sending her fork back at restaurants because it has spots on it. (Okay, true, I'm making assumptions on all of this based on her bitchy resting face and attitude, but I'm ~~judgmental~~ a very good judge of character.)

We continued loading our bags, but the woman kept bitching about how we cut, how it was her cab, how rude we were, yada yada, and she wouldn't walk away. There were other cabs behind her, but she was not giving up the dream.

I couldn't take it anymore and yelled, "Listen lady, we've been waiting for 10 minutes for a larger cab, so you need to shut the fuc* up and go away!"

She looked absolutely appalled and turned to my mom and said, "Wow, the mouth on that one."

I think she expected my mom to scold me but instead she told the woman, "Well, you brought it on yourself and you really need to go away. Bitc*." (Okay, true, my mom didn't actually cuss, but I think that would have been funny. And it would have totally secured us a mother/daughter guest spot on Jerry Springer.)

The woman kept mouthing off, so I looked her right in the eye and yelled, "You think the mouth was bad? You ain't seen nothing yet!"

Wow, who knew I had it in me?

I looked over and the cart guy was grinning at me ear to ear. I'm sure he's wanted to say the same thing.

The moral of this story: yes, I could have handled the situation better, but how can anyone act like that, especially when a baby is waiting in the cold for a cab? I'm just hoping someone taped it with their cell phone so I can get a gig on the "Real Housewives of New York City." I'm totally ready to take on Ramona.

Days before my Sasha Fierce transformation

Northeast braces for 'potentially historic' snowstorm by fighting over bacon

2015-01-26T07:50:00.003-06:00

I read on Twitter last night that two men at the grocery store got into a fight over bacon. Yes, bacon. Nothing says storm preps like breaking someone's nose for a cured pig product.

The Northeast is planning for a major snowstorm that ~~will~~ could dump a ton of snow-- some even say record-breaking-- so people all over New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and more are doing exactly what the news is telling them to do: they are going ape-shit crazy and buying everything they can get their hands on.

Including bacon.

This is what drives me nuts about severe weather. News stations go crazy with wall-to-wall coverage talking about the impending doom (which is always major, according to them), so eventually everyone at home panics and feels like they must go buy 7 times more food than they need. For viewers, it's further exasperated by the fact that when they go to the grocery, everyone else is panicking and filling their carts to the brim, and suddenly the hoarding mentality tells them it makes sense to fight over bacon.

Here are my top 5 reasons why y'all need to calm down.

News stations' ratings go up when they do weather coverage, so they do a lot of it. And they go overboard. Take it with a grain of salt.
As a former news gal, I know that reporters have to fill 1.5 to 2 minutes during their weather live shots, so they will also hype up that people are buying supplies and hunkering down. Also take it with a grain of sidewalk salt. (I once had to do snow coverage when it wasn't snowing. That is how smart TV stations are.)
Okay, so say you are stuck in your house for two days. For me, this is what I call a weekend. Trust me, you have enough food.
Just because you can't leave the house for a few days doesn't mean that you need to buy several gallons of milk, tons of bread, eggs, bacon-- unless suddenly you've become a 400-pound man who can only leave the house after rescuers cut a hole in the wall and lift you out with a forklift.
Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean you have to.

As an environmentalist, it's hard seeing all these empty shelves, because I know how much of this food will get trashed after it goes bad. Americans throw away 133 BILLION pounds every year.

So my advice--relax, be careful and don't go crazy. The only item you should be stocking up on: wine.

Joel David Moore in New York City

2014-11-09T18:02:00.000-06:00

(Disclaimer: Having a 5-month old is like, well, way more work than I thought, so this blog was started on Saturday, September 27th. Kindly suspend your disbelief and pretend that it is indeed still that day. Thank you.)

Last night was one of those perfect New York City nights. It's that beautiful time of year when the summer's heat and humidity have said goodbye for another year, but the cool fall nights have not yet said hello. And from a totally girlie point of view, it's the small window of time when your hair will actually stay curled for more than 20 minutes.

Last night was also the night when this Hollywood actor would get into a fight because of me.

Wait, what? More on that later...

We started the night on my girlfriend's rooftop and the views were breathtaking. The sun was fading behind the Hudson River, and the lights of the city and Central Park danced in perfect harmony. As I've said before, New York can definitely beat you up every now and again, but then something this happens and it totally redeems itself.

After a glass of wine on the rooftop, we headed to the West Village and had dinner and drinks at Zampa Wine Bar + Kitchen (which is amazing. Great food and service. Cool ambiance too. Try the lasagna.)

With a nice wine buzz that had kicked in, there was only one logical next step: Karaoke! Now, I know what you're thinking. Karaoke totally sucks, right? No! Not in NYC. At places like Karaoke on 7 in the Flatiron District, you actually get a private room to sing, so you can make a complete fool out of yourself, and no one will care.

As soon as we got there, I decided I needed to go to the bathroom, so I headed down the hall, only to discover the most dreaded NYC site: ONE stall for men and ONE stall for women. (In a city of 8 million people, you'd think the city's architects would be a little better at math.) Luckily the line wasn't terrible, just one woman ahead of me.

After she went in, a man came up and got in line next to me and told me if the men's room opened first, he would insist that I go before him. I assured him I was fine, but he was adamant that women should always go first. Okay, cool, the ol' bladder certainly doesn't work like it did before childbirth, so what the heck. Sure enough, the men's restroom door opened, so the man (let's call him Larry) grabbed my arm and gave me a little push toward the door. I guess he thought I really needed to pee.

At the same time Larry flung me toward the door, another man walked, and started going into what he thought was an empty stall.

Oh no. Larry wasn't having it.

He yelled, "No!! She's going to use that restroom! Ladies first, man!"

After Larry finished pushing me into the stall, I took a look at the digs he had worked so hard for me to get. Yuck. It appeared every man in New York must have been swinging a hula hoop at the same time they were peeing, because there was urine everywhere except for IN the toilet. Ugh.

But whatever. Larry had worked so hard to get me this glorious opportunity, so I was just going to squat and bear it.

As I squatted and realized my thighs are significantly weaker post childbirth, I kept thinking that the man Larry had just yelled at looked soooo familiar. I had to know him from somewhere...

Then, I heard the two fighting outside the door.

Larry: "You have to let ladies go first!"

Familiar looking man: "Dude, that's fine, but you don't have to yell!"

Larry: "You want to take this outside??!!!"

Me murmuring to myself, "How do I know that guy? And why is Larry so angry?"

After I finished and opened the door, I could see that Larry and familiar looking man were still yelling. I turned to the woman next to me and said, "How do I know that guy??"

"He's in Avatar and Dodgeball."

"Oh my god, that's it!" I had just watched Dodgeball the week before.

His name is Joel David Moore and he got into a fight just because I needed to use the restroom. Sheesh. After Larry finally left, I walked up to Joel David, not exactly sure what to say. Luckily he broke the silence with "I was totally fine with you using the restroom first, I just wish that guy hadn't yelled."

Me slurring: "Totally."

(In my mind, "Can we take a selfie?")

Sadly, it didn't seem like the right time to get a pic. So we walked down the hall together, and parted ways as he entered room #3 while I continued down the hall to room #7. I tried to tell my girlfriends about what had just happened, but I wasn't exactly sure how to explain it.

When I Googled him later, I realized it was just his birthday the day before, so I tweeted him a Happy Birthday.

When I told Mike about the tweet, he said, "Did you apologize for almost getting him beaten up?"

Me: "Nope, didn't mention that."

Oh New York...

Bethenny Frankel's Return to the Real Housewives of NYC

2014-10-22T17:36:00.001-05:00

To say that I like Bravo TV is like saying Justin Bieber is just kind of a douche. In other words-- it's a grossly inaccurate representation of the truth.

Bravo is THE channel I watch. In the rare moments I get to sit and watch TV these days, it's always on Bravo. In fact, when I'm feeding Jack, I'm almost always watching a Real Housewives of (insert any city here) or Million Dollar Listing NY, so his first words will likely be "Turtle Time!" "High Kick!" or "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed...but I'm pretty!" (If you understood all of these references, I guarantee that I would like you.)

Last night, I got a lifetime of Bravo TV satisfaction by hanging out with Bethenny Frankel and Countess LuAnn De Lesseps from Real Housewives of New York City (Bethenny's coming back!! Yay!!!) and Fredrik Eklund from Million Dollar Listing NY. It was? The Best Night of My Life. (Okay, maybe not better than getting married or having a baby, but it least it didn't involve an epidural and worries that I was going to poop myself.)

Gilt City put together a cool and super swanky happy hour at Bagetelle restaurant in the Meatpacking District for the release of Bethenny Frankel's new book, Skinnygirl Cocktails. A ticket got each of us unlimited Skinnygirl cocktails (like a Pink Cotton Candy Cosmo), the chance to meet Bethenny and see her make said cocktails and an autographed copy of the book. (LuAnn and Fredrik being there was an extra bonus.)

When I arrived, Bethenny looked right at me and I felt like there was this moment where she was thinking, "How the heck do I know that girl?" I'm not huge on annoying people with pictures or selfies, but what the heck, Bethenny and I go way back. So I went up to her, tapped her on the arm, and said, "Bethenny, I was on your show a year ago," and showed her this pic...

She grabbed my phone and zoomed in on it and said, "Oh, that's so funny. What were you there for?"

"I was confessing that I had a dirty dream about Leonardo DiCaprio."

She laughed and said, "That's so cool you have a picture of that. Thanks for showing me." I then asked if we could take a selfie, you know, since we're practically besties. She agreed and said we should do brunch sometime. (Ok, maybe not the second part.)

With my Pink Cotton Candy Cosmo kicking in, I had the courage to keep going. I walked over to Fredrik and LuAnn and asked if I could take pictures with them too. The bad news? My camera started acting funky. The good news? I got some very artistic-looking pics.

I thanked Fredrik for the pic and said "High Kick!" He laughed.

I told LuAnn she has such a sexy voice (which is even sexier in person) and she said, "Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you!" She also has the most perfect, flawless skin.

Okay, I know what you're thinking at this point. "Jeannie, are you stalking these people?" (Yes) "Why don't you give them some space (not going to happen) and stop taking pictures? (Because it's 2014 and instead of enjoying the moment, we all have to take pics and post them to social media, stat, right?)

Plus, it's not like I'm REALLY a stalker who would try to sneak in their chimney's just because I love them so much.

Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa, yes, I'm talking to you. How did these seem like a good idea?

Anyway, back to the night. It ended with a really cool Q & A with Bethenny who talked about her return to the Real Housewives of NYC. Yay! Here's a video I took where she first describes the differences between having a talk show and doing reality TV and how she feels about coming back.

All in all, it was a fantastic night. Thanks Gilt City, Bethenny, LuAnn and Fredrik! Call me maybe?

Maternity Leave

2014-08-03T11:06:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe it. It is the LAST day of my maternity leave, and honestly, I have no idea where the past 9 weeks have gone. It's been a slobbering, poopy blur.

When I found out Jack's due date was May 23rd, I was stoked. It was close to Memorial Day which meant I was going to have almost the entire summer off to enjoy brunches and rooftop cocktailing with my girlfriends. Plus I could squeeze in daily runs to burn off my cupcake and ice cream baby weight and trade in my elastic-waisted pants for some cute summer shorts. I also planned to work on my book I've been writing for several years (about my time as a news reporter), write and pitch several magazines on mommyhood and pregnancy, have the apartment cleaned and organized at all times and dinner on the table for my husband when he came home. I was going to take Jack to Central Park often and just enjoy the outdoors as much as possible.

Ha! Any of you who have had a baby are probably laughing right now.

Here's what I really got done:

* I fed the baby
* I changed the baby
* I started all over again

A basic blowout. This requires creative changing and a clean onesie.

Oh, and here are a few other "accomplishments:"

* I poured coffee into the baby bottle and breast milk into the coffee mug
* I called our dog "Jack" and our baby "Buckeye" more times than I'd care to admit
* I had a emotional and mental breakdown after we accidentally clipped off the tip of our son's finger while trying to cut his nails (That was the first and LAST time we have cut his fingernails. He will just have to get used to looking like Howard Hughes.)
* I clearly mastered the art of swaddling

* I captured beautiful moments of my son on videotape:

And...

(Seriously is this kid works as hard at life as he does on a poop, he'll be the next Bill Gates.)

* I learned how to create a GIF from said videos...

make animated gifs like this at MakeAGif

* I showed our son the art of a selfie...

* How to fist pump...

* The ever important air guitar...

* And finally...how to be a true New Yorker...

make animated gifs like this at MakeAGif

Giving birth in NYC

2014-06-27T09:58:00.000-05:00

Well, that was sure exciting (and painful.) On May 24, I gave birth to a 9 lb, 5 oz hearty baby boy. Yep, apparently if a pregnant woman eats a cupcake (or 4), ice cream and Magnolia Bakery's banana pudding EVERY day of her pregnancy, her baby will be a little more on the husky side. Funny enough, the doctor estimated that his birth weight would be around 7.5 to 8 pounds, so as I tell people, thank goodness I didn't know I was in for something much heartier. (It also explains why I was SO uncomfortable a the end of my pregnancy and why I had cankles the size of a small country. Read that blog here.)

As I neared my May 23rd due date, things weren't looking good for an on-time delivery. That week, I was still only 1 cm dialted and hadn't made any progress from the week before. So that Friday night, I did the only logical thing you can do at 40 weeks preggo. I sent my husband to Penn Station to pick up Taco Bell in the hopes that spicy food would give the little guy a push. I mean, if it can cause explosive diaherrea, it's got to help push out a baby, right?

It worked.

That night around 2 a.m., I woke up to the feeling of my water breaking. And by breaking, I mean gushing. And it didn't stop for hours. In fact, it continued in the cab ride to the hospital at around 5 a.m., so I apologize to the next person getting in that cab who probably slid right across the seat and didn't know why it was wet. (This is also why you should always use Purell after a NYC cab ride.) Luckily our cabbie was super sweet too, and let me have another painful contraction in the back seat after we arrived at the hospital and told me to take my time (and the meter wasn't even running!) And as we walked inside he yelled, "God Bless You!" Isn't that sweet? He didn't even make us clean up my bodily fluids.

When we got inside, I realized Memorial Day weekend was a very popular weekend for babies in NYC. And specifically twins. The place was a downright zoo, and every nurse was fighting to help with my delivery since I just had one baby (which is much easier apparently). After several painful hours of contractions, and a few delays because of emergency C-sections they needed to attend to, I finally got an epidural and my life was much more enjoyable. As I laid there waiting for my 9+ pounder to arrive, I thought of what labor is like with and without and epidural and realized anyone who opts for a natural delivery surely must be a masochist. Here's how I would explain it:

Life WITHOUT an epidural is like a rainy Monday and you've forgotten your umbrella. You're running late so you miss the bus and must stand there getting soaked as you wait for the next one. As you wait, a little old lady "accidentally" runs over your foot with her wheelchair and doesn't apologize. When you finally get on the bus, it smells like someone pooped their pants and the man next to you is eating an onion sandwich. You get to work and realize your nemesis has lied to your boss about you and you're on the verge of getting fired. You later get a text message from your husband saying he'd like to take a break. Oh, and he's keeping your dog. You later stub the same toe the little old lady ran over with her wheelchair.

WITHOUT epidural

Life WITH an epidural is that trip to the Bahamas you've been saving up for and are finally enjoying. It's sitting on the beach under an umbrella enjoying a Pina Colada. It's the feeling of having a little bit of a rum buzz and hearing the waves crash against the boat you're going to take out later to do some dolphin watching. It's the smell of the saltwater mixed with Hawaiian Tropic sunscreen. It's looking over at your husband who smiles and says he's never loved you more. It's the realization that you still have 9 more days of this luxury, although you might opt to buy the island, because you just won the PowerBall.

WITH epdidural

Get it?

Welcome Jack Michael to the world! Who knew something that causes so much pain would also bring so much joy?? :-)

Cankles during pregnancy

2014-05-22T08:29:00.001-05:00

When you're walking around the streets of New York, you pretty much see it all. A man peeing on the sidewalk, homeless people yelling at each other over who has the right to that corner, dirty garbage piles, used condoms, you name it.

But it was this sight on the Upper West Side yesterday afternoon that made a woman stop dead in her tracks...

Oh my god, what is it??

That my friends, is the cankle and swollen foot of a woman who is 39.5 weeks pregnant. That woman is me. And the woman who stopped dead in her tracks? I don't know her name, but I do know this: she literally stopped walking mid-stride to exclaim to me, "Girl, you need to prop those feet up today!"

What that means is my canks are now bad enough to make a busy New Yorker stop what she is doing long enough to give me pregnancy advice. Yowsers. Oh, and she recommended that I drink more water too.

Here's the thing: I've been drinking a ton of water. And I've been working from home with my feet propped up. And I've been putting ice on them. But? Nothing helps. Of the 30+ pounds I've gained, apparently 10 of it has been in my feet. At my weekly doctor's appointment, I make sure to always show my doc just how big they've gotten, but she never seems concerned.

So, I just stuff the one pair of flip flops that still fit on my Andre the Giant feet and continue on my way.

Oh, and I also try to look at the positives. Like #1, my canks have provided hours of entertainment for my husband (and dog) who find it amusing that when you push on the canks, a noticeable indent appears. Kind of like hail damage.

#2 Cank Positive: I've got great material now to "sext" my husband.

Getting ready for labor

2014-05-14T09:06:00.002-05:00

There is a strange time in a woman's life when her due date is just a week away and she is ~~excited~~ scared as hell. For me, that time is now.

My due date is one week from this Friday and it's really the craziest time. As a first time mom (to a two-legged baby anyway) every kick, contraction and cramp is a new experience and I'm not exactly sure what to expect. My emotions go from thinking I'm going to kick butt during labor to what the heck was I thinking and is it too late to get my money back?

Every night I've been reading books trying to prepare for both labor and just general baby stuff like what color his poop needs to be. Who knew an 8-pound creature could be so high maintenance? Apparently I need to feed him every few hours which then leads to burping and diaper changes, so essentially I'll be working around the clock to make sure he's happy. (I'm really starting to question if I'm still going to be able to sleep in and have time to watch Real Housewives of NYC.)

Along with the high maintenance stuff, apparently the kid is going to be kind of, well, weird looking at first. In one of my books, they describe the way a newborn looks and it doesn't sound good. Here are some examples:

Oddly shaped head- It sounds like the trip down the birth canal is as traumatic to a baby's head as it is to his mother's lady parts, so he may come out looking like this...

Vernix caseosa coating- In layman's terms: he'll likely be coated with a cheesy substance and I'm guessing it's not the kind you want to dip a cracker in.
Swelling of the gentials- Not only will he likely have large man parts, he may have swollen breasts that could leak a white or pink substance. (I'm totally telling his prom date about this.)
Lanugo- His whole body could be covered in hair. But this might not be a bad thing--perhaps this way, his brother and sister will accept him as one of their own.

Puffy eyes- Apparently swimming around in amniotic fluid for 9 months has the same effect for him as a night of drinking and eating salty foods has on me. Oh, and the problem is made worse by the ointment they slather on to protect his eyes from infection. But this is actually a helpful beauty tip-- never put Vaseline on your under eye bags. Got it.
Birthmarks and skin lesions- I guess this means he may come out looking like a little tiny meth user.

Can you believe with this kind of description there are still 7 billion people on the planet? Can you imagine trying to sell anything else this way? Like the 2004 Chevy you're interested in buying is going to have a lot of dings and scrapes, it will smell like a 10-day old burrito and you'll have to service it 24-hours a day. Sound good?

Pregnant woman kicked out of gym follow-up

2014-05-06T17:20:00.000-05:00

After I recently blogged about the pregnant South Carolina woman who was kicked out of her gym for having an exposed belly, I heard from her! Melissa Mantor e-mailed me, thanking me for making her laugh and said my blog was the best thing to come out of this ordeal. Isn't that cute? I replied and told her that my belly and I were in full support of her.

Let me just say this Melissa: I know the public has been brutal in regards to your story. During my 10 years working as a news reporter, I know first hand how brave people are behind their computers. My favorite story I like to tell is when a viewer e-mailed me and said she could tell I was a slut by the way I looked on air. Ha! (I guess the business suits I wore daily gave that impression?) The good news is that the American public gets bored easily, so they'll be moving onto the next person to criticize in no time.

I also had to laugh when I got this e-mail today and I thought of you. It's from the New York City gym I used to belong to, Equinox, asking me to re-join. Here's the image that came with the e-mail...

Hehe, see Melissa? I told you nothing shocks New Yorkers! Feel free to print this out and take it to your gym. It's good for one free pass to wear whatever the heck you'd like. :-)

Pregnant woman kicked out of gym

2014-05-02T08:57:00.002-05:00

Wow. Have you been following the story of the pregnant woman kicked out of a South Carolina Planet Fitness gym because her belly was showing and she refused to cover up? Apparently the gym has a no-midriff policy that she was "violating" with her 19-week preggo belly.

Look at how cute she is! (And anyone who thinks this belly is shocking clearly hasn't been to a water park in July.)

When I started reading the story on various news outlets, I was expecting to find comments from people who would be supportive of this mama named Melissa Mantor with posts like, "You go girl!" and "Let it all hang out!" But instead, people are really being mean...

Really? They think HER belly was hanging out? Clearly they hadn't seen my Instagram photo from a few days before...

See, here's the thing. I'm not trying to be an exhibitionist or offend anyone. I just have a HUGE gut! It happens! I have exactly ONE maternity workout top, but on this particular day it was dirty, so I wore a pre-pregnancy one. At 37 weeks pregnant, I don't want to invest in a ton of maternity clothes because a) They are expensive and b) I could pop at anytime, so why bother? So yes, I wore this outfit to the gym and no I didn't get kicked out or have America bashing me.

Here are the major problems I have with this story:

1) Have you ever in your life heard of a dress policy at the gym? I have worked out in a lot of gyms in my day, and it's not at all uncommon to see various states of dress. And I'm not just talking about in New York or Chicago either. I used to belong to the YMCA in Fishers, Indiana which you'd expect to be the most conservative gym in America, but I often saw women in sports bras. WHO CARES? You're sweating. It's hot. You're working out. No one expects you to be in a business suit.

2) Have you ever been to Hot Yoga? People are basically naked in hot yoga. Why? Because it's FRICKING HOT! Even the men practically wear speedos. I'm pretty sure I once saw a man's "man parts" in a hot yoga class and didn't think a thing of it.

3) Have you ever been to Wal-Mart? Yes South Carolina, I'm talking to you. There's a reason there are entire websites dedicated to what people wear to Wal-Mart because it's, well, bad. Here's a friendly reminder...

And I'm fairly certain this woman (man?) isn't wearing this outfit because he/she's expecting a little miracle and nothing fits anymore.

4) Have you ever been to a major city?? Perhaps I'm a jaded New Yorker, but nothing really shocks me anymore. A few weeks ago I saw a homeless man "enjoying" himself on the subway platform, so I simply turned my back so I didn't have to see the outcome. I didn't inform him that he was violating the subway's rules and "enjoying" oneself is best left to do in the privacy of one's cardboard home.

5) Have you ever paid attention during summer? I wonder how many of the people who commented on Melissa's story look like this in the summer...

And yet if I asked any of these women to cover up, I'd probably get punched in the face.

So Melissa, the moral of this blog post is that I feel your pain. Anyone who says just "cover up" clearly has never been pregnant and realized the daily battle of trying to find something that fits. (Let's be honest--you know it's bad when you can barely shove a flip flop onto your swollen and nasty-looking foot.)

And to America-- if Melissa's (or my) belly really offends you that much, I would suggest you NOT tell us about it because we're A) Emotional and B) Hormonal and C) Likely to kick your butt. Just look at what I did to this guy...

Hands-free breast pumps

2014-04-26T08:06:00.000-05:00

Since becoming pregnant, I've gotten a LOT of advice on what I absolutely have to have for the baby and/or myself. And I'm not going to lie, some of it is a little scary. At 36 weeks preggo, it's becoming blatantly clear that A) there's no turning back and B) kids need a lot of crap.

One of the recommendations I received is that I should register for a hands-free breast pump--that way I can get work done while squeezing out food for the munchkin. The best part about registering for this device is seeing the amazing photos that come with it. Take a look...

Apparently, the pump comes in super handy at the office. And no ladies, we don't need to hide in the bathrooms anymore. We are women, hear us roar! We can pump at our desks, during meetings or video conferences...basically, wherever and whenever we want.

And if our male boss walks in? We'll just pretend we don't have two big suction cups on our lady bits. As long as we're wearing a cute suit and smiling, it's totally legit.

Think you need to give up drinking while pumping? Heck no! You can do both at once. Pinot anyone?

Worried about missing out on a game of Words with Friends? Never fear! You can candy crush that game all day long with your super portable pump.

And thank god you can finally get those Glamour shots you've been wanting to get. These photos will prove that you can truly do it all as a working mother! (Perhaps next year's Christmas card?)

And finally, well, I'm not really sure what this shows. Perhaps that you can check out the local renaissance festival while pumping? Or take your older kids trick or treating? Or fulfill your husband's role playing fantasy?

P.S. A big thanks to my friend Jackie for buying one of these for me. I'm totally going to pump on the crosstown bus, subway and crowded, tourist-filled restaurants. (And I'm going to wear my old Miss Wyoming crown.) Stay tuned for that blog!

Easy ways to help the environment

2014-04-22T11:15:00.001-05:00

I remember the day I became an environmentalist. I was in my 20's and working as a morning reporter in Indianapolis. After work one day, I was watching an episode of Oprah which was all about the state of our world. It talked about how many plastic bags Americans used everyday, how many paper towels, how much wasted energy, etc. I remember having this sinking feeling in my gut and thinking, "Crap, we can't keep going like this."

Fast forward to 2014, and now that I have a little boy growing and kicking in my belly, I've taken my appreciation for the environment to a whole new level. Even though I haven't met him yet, I'm pretty sure I'm going to like him (most of the time) and I want him to have the most beautiful and perfect planet for the next 100 years. To me, if I didn't take care of the Earth, it would be like telling him I didn't care about his future. (And how could I resist this smile??)

So on this Earth Day, I wanted to share some of my favorite ways to help the planet. I hope you'll see how easy it is and you can do it too!

1) Recycle- It seems so easy, yet everyday I see people throwing away items that can easily be recycled. Last night at work, a co-worker was getting ready to throw away his paper bag and aluminum top from his Chipolte dinner which can both be recycled. I told him to hand it to me (I also had the same items) and I took them home to recycle. I also recycled my soda lid and receipt. Super easy.

Luckily in NYC, you can recycle just about everything, so I keep this list on my fridge as a reference. Your city (hopefully) has the same kind of list. If it doesn't, ask your lawmakers to help out!

(And for the love of god, never throw away a water bottle or a soda can because those can always be recycled.)

2) Say No to Plastic- I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I say no to plastic bags everyday. I fit whatever I can into my purse or work bag and I also carry these two reusable bags with me everywhere. These two bags have probably saved more than a 1,000 plastic bags. One Saturday while shopping at several stores, I realized I said no to plastic six times. Six! Think about the impact we could have if we all did this.

(And I know what you're thinking. You never remember to bring reusable bags with you. Trust me, if you start making it a priority, you will. My husband now takes a bag with him every time he goes to the store. He's even left and come right back, realizing he forgot them! Lesson: If a man can do it, you can too :-)

3) Get rid of the paper trail- If you haven't already, sign up for paperless statements for all your bills. It's so much easier to pay your bills online anyway! There are also several websites/apps I like that help get rid of junk mail and paper waste.

Phone Books- Click here to opt out of phone books. These were my biggest pet peeve in Chicago because we'd get dozens of them dropped off on our doorstep every couple of months. What a waste! (Oh and here's a hint: in 2014 you can get any phone number you need online. It's great.)
Junk Mail- There is a new phone app I love called Paper Karma. You just take a picture of the junk mail you receive, and they work to get you off the mailing list. It's fantastic!
Credit Card Offers- Click here to opt out of credit card offers for 5 years or for life!
Catalogs- Click here to opt out of catalogs. This website has helped me get off the mailing lists for at least 50 companies.

4) No more plastic bottles!- Oh yes, Americans love their plastic water bottles. In fact, we go through 60 million of them everyday in this country. And unfortunately, it's believed that 86% of them never get recycled. Oh, and it takes 700 years for them to decompose. And you'll spend nearly $600 on them this year. Now are you convinced?? I carry my reusable water bottle with me everywhere. Check out reuseit.com for awesome reusable products.

5) Limit your waste - I love that my mother-in-law tells me that she now limits herself to using one paper towel in public restrooms because of me. Everyday I encourage you to think about what you're using. Do you need that much toilet paper? Two, three or four paper towels? Are you really going to eat those leftovers you're taking home in a Styrofoam container? Do you really need to print that entire document? A little bit goes a long way!

6) Unplug! About 10% of household energy use goes to appliances that are plugged in but not being used. Save money by unplugging them after each use! I've started with our coffee maker and toaster. Also turn off the lights, TV, etc. when you're not in the room.

See how easy it is?? We owe this to our kiddos. Happy Earth Day today and everyday!

Pregnancy symptoms

2014-04-08T08:09:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, I remembering watching those "I didn't know I was pregnant" interviews on Oprah and Phil Donahue. You know the ones--the women claimed they had no idea they were expecting until their water broke on the New York subway and voila, they delivered a healthy 8-pound baby right there on the 1-line. They explained that they didn't have any symptoms, and at the time, I thought that totally made sense.

Fast forward to now. As a woman who is 8.5 months pregnant with a little boy kicking in my belly non-stop and every part of my body aching, I think-- there's no frickin' way.

It's funny, because I was just thinking about these oblivious women recently when another one made headlines. Mandy Bachelor of Indiana had just finished an eight hour shift at the assembly plant she worked at when surprise! Faster than John Travolta could mutter the name Adele Dazeem, Bachelor was pushing out a baby boy versus the gallstones she thought were causing so much pain. Oddly enough, this was Bachelor's 4th child, so it's not like this was her first rodeo.

When I heard this story, I thought it would be a good time to do a public service announcement of sorts. I'll explain all the crazy things that happen when you get pregnant so perhaps Mrs. Bachelor and all the other women out there will know the next time. You're welcome.

1) Number one--you know your pregnant when your belly goes from this to this...

Now, I know we've all had a big lunch and felt like we were more bloated than normal, but a pregnant belly is vastly different from any Taco Bell belly. It's super hard and it has distinctive lines where it begins and ends. A Taco Bell belly is a bit more jiggly and that kicking sensation you feel usually goes away after a day.

2) Number two--you know you're pregnant when your farts could clear out a room. Heck, they could clear out a small country and should be registered as weapons of mass destruction.

3) Number three- you know you're pregnant when your eating habits mirror that of a 13-year old boy. Apple Jack's, Captain Crunch, Capri Suns, Fruit Roll-Ups...you name it. Oh, and you want to eat these delicious teen treats 22-hours a day.

4) Number four- you know you're pregnant when you're walking in Central Park and all of a sudden you feel the intense urge to vomit. You then have to squat behind a tree to bid adieu to your Apple Jack's and Captain Crunch in front of all the tourists walking by. (Purely hypothetical story, by the way.)

5) Number five- you know you're pregnant when you look down at your belly and see this...

Babyq.com

I'm really not sure how you could mistake a baby's kicks for anything else. Sure, we've all had that dinner that didn't agree with us, but I'm pretty sure I've never felt a burrito kicking my bladder.

6) Number six- This is a pretty good one too....you know you're pregnant when co-workers and strangers on the subway exclaim, "Oh, you're pregnant! When are you due??" This is when you might want to take notice of the fact that you might not just be bloated.

7) Number seven- You know you're pregnant when your habits mirror that of a 90-year old man. You grunt while getting up, you grunt while sitting down, you grunt while putting on pants and you have to have your spouse take off your shoes.

8) Number eight- You know you're pregnant when you cry at everything. Verizon Wireless commercials normally aren't so sad.

9) Number nine- You know you're pregnant when you have to ask the person behind you to give you a big push so you can get onto the crosstown bus.

10) Number ten- You know you're pregnant when you want to take the chicken wing the person is eating next to you on the subway and smack them across the face with it because good lord that thing stinks.

NYC woman gives birth on the street

2014-02-28T08:11:00.002-06:00

When we moved to Manhattan we immediately sold our car, and honestly, we haven't missed it at all. Sure, it's expensive to rent one in the city (we paid more than $900 for an SUV at Thanksgiving), but without a car we don't have to pay huge monthly fees to park it in a garage or fight to find street parking.

But as much as we love New York's public transportation system-- there is at least one time in your life you realize you really need a car. When you're having a baby.

I'm 7 months pregnant (today!) and people often ask when the time comes, how am I going to get to the hospital. I usually joke that we'll either hop on the cross town bus and pray for as few stops as possible, or we'll hire a bike cab and pay him extra to pedal his little heart out.

In all honesty, we'll need to catch a cab, but lord knows, when you really need one in this city, they are no where to be found. No one knows this better than Polly McCourt. She's the New York woman who gave birth on the street this week because she couldn't find a cab. Yikes! It was 3:30 in the afternoon at 68th and 3rd on the Upper East Side which is a time and location that you should be able to catch a plethora of cabs. But nope.

No cab = giving birth on the crowded street in front of a bunch of passers-by. Doesn't that sound like fun? I guess the good news is that New Yorkers are used to seeing all sorts of crazy things, so bodily fluids don't scare us.


My Fox NY

What makes this hit even closer to home is that Polly gave birth just a few blocks away from the hospital I'll be delivering in. So that means if she couldn't even make it a few blocks to that hospital, what are my chances of making it from the Upper West Side?

So I guess when we talk about a birth plan, my plan includes not giving birth on the street, in the back of a cab or on the subway. That means I'll need to work this whole "miracle of life" thing around rush hour, holidays, construction, when the cabbies take breaks and concerts in Central Park.

This might be tough.

Outback Steakhouse in Manhattan

2014-02-23T09:50:00.001-06:00

When you ask any city dweller (who grew up in a small town or the 'burbs) what kind of food they crave most often, the answer likely won't be Thai, Sushi or Italian. They will probably tell you some generic chain restaurant like Taco Bell, Dairy Queen, Carrabba's, Taco John's, Chick-Fil-A...well, you get it.

In the four years I've lived in either New York or Chicago, I've eaten at some really amazing places. I've had filets that melt in your mouth. Pasta Carbonaras that make you cry with happiness. Sushi that tastes like it has just come off the boat.

But sometimes, a girl just wants a dirty bean burrito.

In most major cities, you won't find a ton of chain restaurants. Perhaps it's the super high rent, or the fact that people have so many other options--either way, take a look around. The food selections look a lot different than they do in Cheyenne, Wyoming or Canton, Ohio. And perhaps it's human nature that when you can't get something, you want it really, really bad.

Yesterday, Mike and I were watching an episode of 30 Rock. I was cleaning house and not paying a ton of attention, but all of a sudden when I looked up, I saw Liz Lemon and Jenna Maroney leaving an Outback Steakhouse.

Getty Images

Wait, what?? I said to Mike, "Do you think there's an Outback in New York City?"

"I don't think so."

Me: "I bet there is! Google it!"

With trembling hands, racing hearts and a silent prayer to God-- our Google search discovered the most beautiful site ever....an Outback Steakhouse right here in Manhattan.

Oh, you'd better believe I called immediately and got us "call ahead" seating for 7:30 pm. We practically skipped to the #1 train we were so darn excited. And yes, I made Mike take a picture of me out front. (I wonder what people thought about these funny "tourists" who were that pumped about eating at Outback.)

Thank God for that 30 Rock episode or we might never have known! See, you really can learn important stuff from TV. Oh, and the filet, blooming onion and cheese fries I had were totally worth the wait.

Sandals Royal Bahamian

2014-02-19T08:17:00.001-06:00

Well dang, that was sure fun. Last week, Mike and I got back from our "Babymoon" in the Bahamas. We decided that since our lives are about to change BIG time, we needed a little time away to enjoy our last couple of months being footless and child-free.

A travel agent girlfriend of mine set us up with a 5-day getaway in Nassau, Bahamas at the Sandals Royal Bahamian. It was awesome! Since this will likely be our last vacation for 18 years (right?), we decided to splurge a bit and upgraded rooms to a Honeymoon Suite which included butler service. I tell you what, if you're going to go to an all-inclusive, I would highly recommend the upgrade. Cory, Mark and Thomas spoiled us by taking care of all our dinner reservations, reserving chairs and umbrellas for us at the beach, bringing us food wherever and whenever we wanted (we just called them on the cell phone they gave us), leaving us snacks in our room, turning down our bed each night, setting up spa treatments and leaving us little surprises like a hot bubble bath after dinner.

We even joked that they must have had a GPS tracker on the cell phone because they knew just when to leave us these special treats (like the hot bath).

Along with the special treatment, one of my favorite experiences was taking the boat to Sandals' private island where Mike and I enjoyed our own cabana at the pool (reserved by the butlers, of course) before having his/her massages in a couples tiki hut. I got a pre-natal massage while Mike got a tropical one.

Hearing the ocean waves hitting the rocks while getting a back rub was one of the most relaxing experiences of my life. I loved every guilt-free second of it.

Here's the outside view of the massage tiki hut. Oh, and did I mention we weren't able to get cell phone or Internet service our entire vacation? It rocked. I didn't even bring my laptop so I wasn't tempted to work.

Now, I only have one question for you. If I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant, how far along do you think the guy next to me was?

And more importantly, do you think he'll be able to wear that speedo the entire 9 months? :-)