Bright New Day

WORDS MATTER

2012-05-12T04:29:00.001-04:00

How many of us have used these words to describe ourselves?

Or said the following statements?

"I'm such a dummy. Anyone can assemble a bookcase, but I can't figure it out. I should have known I wouldn't be able to do it. Another project scrapped."

"I know I've met that person before, but I can't remember their name. Idiot! They'll think I'm an airhead, so it's better to avoid them."

"I'm nothing but a big, fat pig, eating that piece of cheesecake. I might as well have another piece. I'll never be thin. I've just got to be thin, it's the only way I'll be happy."

"My relationship didn't last, and it's all my fault. No one will ever love me again. I'm sure not going to let anyone know it bothers me though, that'll show him! Big girls don't cry."

"I just got fired. I should have known better, nothing works out for me. I'll never find a another job. I'm a total loser. Guess I'll just sit around and watch TV, until something comes my way."

"I don't think the secretary likes me. I had better do extra things for her. Maybe I'll bring in doughnuts, or get coffee for her every day. I can't stand not being liked, I want everyone to like me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does it matter what words we use? It's no big deal, right?

WRONG.

Words hurt when we start to believe that they define who we are. When we blame ourselves for life's problems, we give away our power to take action.

Maybe we can replace the negative self thoughts with kinder and more positive ones.

"I can't figure out how to put this bookcase together. I sure didn't think it would be so hard, but then I've never tried this before. I think I'll ask Joe to come over and help me. He's good at putting things together."

"Oh gee, I can't remember this person's name. Well, I can just ask her. I bet a lot of people forget names after they meet someone. I remember that I really enjoyed talking to her."

"That cheesecake looks good! I'm going to have a slice and enjoy it. I've eaten balanced meals today, and a little treat is OK. I'd like to lose more weight, but my happiness doesn't depend on what I weigh. I'm learning moderation and exercising. It's more important right now to focus on being healthy.

"I can't believe we broke up. I've been crying so much, I should really be over it, right? Maybe it was all my fault. Wait, I'm not thinking clearly. People cry when they're sad, that's natural. There were two people in this relationship. I'll call Gina, she's objective and she's been through this before. I need some perspective."

"I just got fired! Wow, this feels bad, but I bet it would for anyone. I really didn't like the job that much, even though the pay was good. I noticed they need help at the book store down the street. It might not pay as well, but I love books and talking to customers. I don't just want to sit around, I'll go down and talk to the owner today."

"I've noticed that Janet doesn't seem too friendly to me when I stop by her desk. I could be reading something into nothing here. Maybe she is just preoccupied with her own work. It doesn't really matter if she likes me or not, that's not how I define myself. I'll be courteous and friendly like usual. If she does have a problem, it's her responsibility to tell me, not mine to guess it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

See the important differences? We are looking at the situations objectively instead of thinking that they happen because we are defective. We are taking action, instead of just coasting along, blaming ourselves. We have asked for help, instead of expecting that we should know how to handle everything on our own. Life is often messy and problems happen for everyone. Mistakes are a natural part of life, along with insecurities and uncertainties. We are not mistakes.

I am making a commitment to myself today. I will not use any kind of negative, derogatory or berating self talk anymore. My recovery depends on learning balance and perspective living in an imperfect world. Life is just too short to be so darn hard on myself!

~~~~~~~~~~

It also helps me to remember that God loves me just the way I am, imperfections and all. If He can do it, so can I.

"You are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light."

Ephesians 5:8

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

GROWING PAINS

2012-05-10T01:34:00.001-04:00

I went to church tonight and what was the sermon? All about "growing pains". How is it that God always knows just what to speak to my poor heart?

I believe God is working on fixing my broken heart. He has to start way down where I have kept all my secret hurts and expose them to His love. I've spoken in earlier posts about feeling worthless. In with that is an enormous amount of shame. It's not easy to air them out. I grieve for how those feelings got there, and how I haven't yet let go of them. In an odd way, worthlessness and shame are like old, worn-out shoes. They don't fit and aren't good to walk in anymore, but I can remember a time when they were comfortable. There is still a certain sentimental attachment.

There's nothing wrong with old feelings. Everyone has them, certainly anyone who has ever been hurt emotionally in the past. Such is life. The tricky thing is to know when to throw them out. That's what I struggle with the most. I KNOW there's no point in going over and over past regrets and recriminations. In my head I do. In my heart, it's a whole different story. Part of my heart is still as tender as an innocent child's.

That's OK too. I hope that I will keep a wondrous and open spot somewhere in my heart, where I can see the world freely and joyfully. The trouble comes in the transition between child and adult. As a child, I couldn't heal all the hurts, because I didn't have the tools. As an adult, I didn't BELIEVE I had the power within to heal. The biggest obstacle for me has been accepting the responsibility of the adult. There is a choice to be made; stay in the past and wither, or fight through the pain and flourish.

Remember that old movie, "Sybil", starring Joanne Woodward and Sally Field? Sally played a young girl, Sybil; who came to a psychiatrist, played by Woodward, because she had long unexplained gaps in her memory. It was discovered over time that she had multiple personalities, each having been created to cope with childhood abuse. In one of the most memorable scenes; Joanne has Sybil in a park sitting on a blanket. She guides Sybil through a meditation where she reconciles herself with each personality, as she "sees" each child, and welcomes them into her complete self.

That scene is a powerful illustration of the type of healing necessary in broken hearts. Maybe if I can think of that kind of process, it will help in the journey to becoming whole.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

1 Peter 5, NIV

I pray that I can surrender all of my hurts and struggles to God, and let Him direct me to the right path.

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

Looking for spiritual guidance, or a church to call home?

Come see us at

Garden of Prayer Cathedral Ministries C.O.G.I.C.

Senior Pastor Milton E Lee; Pastor Anthony T Lee

1319 East Boulevard

Cleveland, Ohio 44106

(216) 795-4238

All are welcomed with LOVE!

GRIEF

2012-05-09T01:04:00.000-04:00

In order to heal, we have to mourn the losses we have endured. Some people might say that we should put grief in the past and forget it. There's the problem, though. Grief can't just be put away and forgotten. It will come up time and time again until we address it.

Confronting grief that comes from childhood is one of the most gut-wrenching experiences I've had. I did no mourning when I was younger, didn't actually know I was even feeling grief, and those feelings became internalized. The drugs, alcohol, food and other substances I used over the years were not strong enough to eliminate the pain I had buried. Tears are coming to my eyes just typing these words.

I wish I could sob with abandon like a child. What a beautiful expression of emotion that is, to really let go all the sadness inside and let tears wash away all the pain. I'm afraid to let myself grieve like that, why, I don't really know.

Inside my heart right now is a tearing pain that is so hard to feel. It's like I've just lost everything in the world that has ever meant anything to me. Now the tears are streaming down my face.

All I can say is, "God help me. I don't know what path I'm supposed to be on. Every day I feel like my feet move but I get nowhere. I know You have to tear me down to make me into the warrior You want me to be, but it sure does feel shitty. Excuse the language. I can't possibly be the one You want to do Your works, look at how weak and unsure I am. I don't understand a Being who loves me when I don't love myself. But I'll try to keep believing because I don't have anything else to hold onto anymore. Just don't give up on me."

There is no happy message today. Just raw feelings. I've run my whole life from feelings and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm sorry, so sorry, for all the times I hurt myself because I couldn't stand the pain. So sorry for becoming a person I didn't even like just to hide what was going on inside. Sorry that I didn't pay attention to the little voice inside that was crying, "listen to me." Oh God, I am so terribly sorry.

My last prayer tonight is to my guardian angel, the Archangel Gabriel: "Please wrap me in your protecting wings and let my tender heart rest."

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

NUMBERS

2012-04-29T07:03:00.000-04:00

I HATE THE SCALE.

The numbers I see when I weigh myself have the power to buoy me up or bring me down.

I love food. And I hate food. I like to eat. No, I LOVE to eat. There isn't a time I can remember when food wasn't about the most important thing in my life. Or a time that I haven't judged myself by what I see on the scale.

Why do we get so attached to what our weight is? That's a good question. I still secretly hope that I will get back to my high school weight. Of course, never mind that I starved myself, smoked and drank. I was THIN. Even then I was never satisfied with the numbers. I thought I was fat, and I weighed 115 pounds.

It seems like I have always had a distorted body image. When I look in the mirror, every flaw is magnified. I see my belly and thighs, and judge them to be of gargantuan size. Everything on me is "too big", my nose, my feet, my hands, and my frame. I so want to be pretty and petite, dainty and girlie.

Christie Brinkley

This gorgeous model is my idea of beautiful. I think to myself how lucky she is to look so good. And don't all pretty girls have it made? Sigh. I know that's not true, but like I said, my thinking gets distorted. I wonder what she sees when she looks in the mirror?

So, how to figure this problem out? Maybe the first thing to do is to stop weighing myself. I have heard of people who do this, and go by how their clothes fit them. Some only track their weight at the doctor's office. It's scary to contemplate not stepping on the scale. I mean, will I end up at 300 pounds? I sure hope not. I've got to break this obsession, though.
I can try choosing better foods for most of my eating, and concentrating on being healthy instead of weight loss. I already know what those foods are: vegetables, fruits, leaner meats, fish and whole grains. Sounds good on paper :)

Next, would be some portion control. I like to eat until I feel overfull. It gives me a feeling of comfort. However, this is not the healthiest plan in the world. So, maybe a slightly smaller plate than I'm used to; or, one with compartments.And no going back for seconds. Yeesh. OK, maybe a little scary now.

Then: drink more water. That shouldn't be too bad. I love water! I already know it's good to cut out soda, juices and coffee, for empty calories and caffeine. I'm OK with keeping milk in for cereals and such.

This is WAY different from how I've been looking at weight management. It's always been about a diet that will lose me pounds, not about how healthy I will feel. Giving up the scale is a frightening, because how will I know where I am?

Here's the big secret. Last time I weighed myself I was 170 pounds. There. I'm a whale, right? I've been as high as probably 225 pounds in the last 5 years. No one ever gets to know my weight, NO ONE. What does the number 170 have to with who I am? Nothing, really, it's just a number. One that I refuse to identify myself with anymore. So, goodbye, scale.

It helps for me to think of how God sees our bodies: that we are temples he created and that we should care for ourselves as such.

"What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Maybe what's happening to me on the inside is where my main interest should be. For isn't that who I really am? What difference would it make if I was the most beautiful woman in the world on the outside, if I were the ugliest on the inside? Ultimately, I want to shine from within.

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

HOPE

2012-04-19T04:04:00.000-04:00

There's always got to be hope. Without it, what is the point?

Children give me HOPE. I love to watch them play and hear them talk. In their own world, everything makes sense. Nothing daunts their spirit when they are joyful. Their purity and innocence sometimes render me speechless. A child's smile feeds my heart.

Prayer gives me HOPE. I need something outside of myself, that I can call on when I have no answers, can't see any answers, and are frustrated by answers I don't want. GOD is my refuge. I read some scripture and usually post it on Facebook. If it's a church day, I always hear something that goes straight to my soul and sets me right again. The fellowship we share is so important. When I go to bed, I listen to a daily Bible reading on my iPhone. I need hope so desperately, because, without it, I may as well be dead.

Outreach gives me HOPE. When I help someone, I am reminded that there are other people in the world struggling with issues besides me. Depression is so insular, I can be inside my head and lose perspective so easily. It feels good to practice empathy. It feels good to get the focus off of ME. I get tired of feeling sorry for myself.

My children give me HOPE. I love them so much and am so proud of the fine adults they have become. When I'm with them, I am reminded that they are the two things in my life that have given me the most joy. I need to remember that, when I'm thinking that I have never done anything good with my life. There is nothing within my power that I wouldn't do for them.

Kristie and Kevin


Victoria and Kelly

My beautiful grandchildren give me the most HOPE of all.

Victoria

Katherine

Xavier

HOPE IS FOOD FOR THE SOUL.

"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD."

Psalms 31:24 NAS

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

WHAT'S AT THE CORE

2012-04-16T04:28:00.000-04:00

Everyone has a basic feeling down at the core of their being (whether they are aware of it or not). Mine is worthlessness.

So how has that translated into recovery?

Every time I sabotage my progress, it's because of worthlessness. Every time I feel like giving up on myself, it's because of worthlessness. Every time I set myself up for failure, it's because of worthlessness. I don't fully believe I deserve joy and success yet.

You may wonder how this was discovered: in therapy through hard work. I always knew on some level what was going on, but core feelings are buried deep under layers of other feelings. Rightly so, because that kind of vulnerability isn't meant to be shown anywhere but in safe surroundings. We all protect what we show to the world out there. How much we show depends on the people we are with and how comfortable we are with them.

It seems like I've had "I'm no good, I'm no good, I'm no good" playing in my head for most of my life. The reasons why are less important than learning how to change that tape. I'm sad that I feel this way about myself, and I have the grief of a child towards it. If you have raised children, you know how upset they get, and how easily and immediately they show their feelings. That kind of free expression is a beautiful thing. It's much more difficult to get in touch with the deep sadness as an adult. We've been conditioned to hold back so as not to make other people uncomfortable.

That being said, there is a need to hold back emotions. Just imagine if we all starting throwing ourselves on the ground, screaming and crying because we didn't get what we wanted at that moment. But there is a difference between that and emotions that get buried when a child can't express them at the time. All kinds of problems arise here which will have to be dealt with later.

As parents, I feel the best thing we can do is let our children express all those ugly emotions; the crying, yelling, foot stomping: all of it. Of course, we don't want them displaying this behavior everywhere we go. I'm not saying let our kids run amok. What I mean is, we can strive to give them freedom of expression without judgement. When the storm breaks, then is the time we talk it out and explain life's lessons. Teaching discipline by providing limits is vital to child development. I'm definitely not advocating permitting any child to harm themselves or anyone else, or allowing them to display dangerous behavior of any kind. This must be stopped immediately.

What I'm talking about here is giving our children the freedom to express themselves without getting punished for having the emotions that make us so uncomfortable. And yes, I know that it's extremely hard. The pressure we put on ourselves to raise our children right is tremendous. I wasn't able to give my kids that freedom of expression very often. Now, as a grandmother, I am able to see things much more clearly (of course) and objectively. Still, when I'm with all three of my grandchildren for any length of time, I end up exhausted at the end of the day, just like my daughter. Raising kids, while blessedly rewarding, is just plain tough work.

Today, I'm working on healing that child inside who ended up getting short circuited emotionally. The more I learn to love myself, the easier it is to provide the comfort I crave internally in healthy ways. I'm learning to stop setting ridiculously high standards for myself that are impossible to achieve. Mother Teresa would have a hard time reaching these goals! :) There are definitely times when I feel the great joy and freedom that comes from living in the present moment. It all comes down to loving myself enough to think I'm worth the effort it takes to get well. I'm getting there.

"As a mother comforts her child,

so will I comfort you:..."

Isaiah 66:13 NIV

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

FACADES

2012-04-14T01:51:00.000-04:00

I have always felt that I should keep how I really feel hidden at all costs.

I developed many facades. I could manage them better when I was younger and had more energy. Appearances have gotten much too heavy a burden to lug around any longer.

Jokey Face. That is how I tried to hide my low self esteem. When I felt especially threatened, I would make deprecating jokes about myself. I figured why not get all my horrendous faults out into the open and laughed at, it was going to happen eventually.

Smiley Face. I used that to cover any sadness I felt. No way would I cry in front of you, no way. The bonus was that my friends would then ask me if I was OK, because the grief was still in my eyes, and didn't match the smile. I secretly craved the attention so, win/win, right?

Crying Face. Wait, I just said I wasn't crying in front of anybody. That's only if I felt sadness. If I felt angry, I cried to mask that. I was so desperate to keep the peace that I would avoid conflict like the plague. Tears stopped the argument and got me sympathy. Crying was easy when I was angry, not when I was sad. Remember, I felt had to keep my real feelings hidden.

Indifferent Face. Ah, a personal favorite. This mask was good for hiding vulnerability. The more hurt I felt, the more uncaring I tried to appear. God knows, I wasn't going to let you know.

Life-Of-The-Party Face. When I felt desperately unhappy inside, I used this face. It was easier when I was still drinking, because I could blend in with the general revelry. In the later years I had so many blackouts, I don't remember how I felt.

Angry Face. Yes, this is the one I've had pretty much the last five years or so. Too hard to hide my feelings, and mad all the time. I owe my former coworkers many, many apologies for being so hard to work with. My family and friends, too. OK, everybody I came into contact with.

So, what's the point here?

Wearing all those masks was extremely tiring and time consuming, although I wouldn't have said so before. For those of us who are depressed, hiding our feelings keeps us in our illnesses. Yes, it takes work to get down deep where real emotions are. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it hurts sometimes. I wouldn't trade being present in the moment, and knowing how I feel, for even one of those masks anymore.

Today, I feel alive. I'm no longer numb on the inside. I can say how I really feel and the world still spins. I feel very blessed and grateful (well, most of the time). To anyone who is struggling with feelings and masks out there I would say:

Hang in there with yourself, you are worth all the effort it takes to get well. It took me years and years to realize that I had to become my own best friend. Please don't give up. You are among friends, and you are loved.

"When life's journey gets so difficult

That it feels too much to bear,

Just remember, we don't walk alone--

Our almighty God is there" -- Sper

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

FEAR AND HOPE

2012-04-12T02:12:00.001-04:00

Hope comes from facing my fears.

Today, I was afraid of getting out of the house. I woke up at 3:00 pm and felt very down. The thought of getting into the car to run errands was too daunting for me to accomplish. I was out last on Monday to an appointment, to see my therapist. The funny thing is, we talked about how well I was getting to feel and I told him about this blog.

I have noticed a pattern of experiencing a low after having a success.

I am afraid of success. With it comes responsibility to stay well. It's so easy for me to crawl in my cocoon of depression and stay there. The good thing is, I stay in it for far less time than I did in the past.

I am afraid of commitment. When I commit, it means I need to be dependable. There again, is the responsibility to stay well. The stumbling blocks I've had in the past come up to haunt me again.

I am afraid I won't be able to live on my own again. Since I've retired, I haven't replaced the income I was getting before.

I am afraid I won't be able to eat right. I've been going back and forth with food plans, not being able to stick to one thing.

I guess what this all boils down to is, I'm in a place in my life where I'm way outside of my comfort zone. I am feeling a tremendous amount of fear. I left my job which gave me financial security, but that I hated with all my heart. I've been exploring ways to make money without having to get an outside job. Nothing has proved to be successful for steady earning yet. I need flexibility to work whenever the hours are good for me, and to travel out to my daughter's as often as I can. I've committed to church going, but I don't go regularly. Last night, I stayed home because I was afraid to go out. My daughter needs my help right now, and I have promised to give it. It's a struggle for me to be there when I say I'm going to, and not back out at the last minute. I miss living on my own, where I can eat as badly as I want and sleep for days.

Here is where the hope comes in. I don't have to stay stuck.

I am praying daily for the courage to change. I feel as though I'm going through some kind of metamorphosis. There is so much comfort in scripture, and I'm doing my best to start and end my day reading the Bible.

It's OK to be afraid of success. I haven't had too much experience with it. My patterns from the past will start to be replaced with new and healthy habits.

I'm working on being more dependable and reliable. Just admitting that it's a problem for me is a big improvement.

There will be a time when I'll be on my own again. Right now, I need my family around me for support and help. It's not good for me to binge all the time and sleep my life away. I don't like feeling dependent on others, but the experience is good for me.

Problems with eating have been with me most of my life. I don't think there will be an overnight answer. I have tended to treat this with a black-and-white attitude. It's either eat this way or binge. Well, that doesn't seem to serve any useful purpose anymore. I'm trying to get more comfortable in the grey areas.

While on this journey, I try to stay patient and kind with myself. It really helps to write about my struggles, and I've been spending a fair amount of time working on this blog. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be concentrating on. Although I am uncomfortable living with more uncertainty than I'm used to, I can face my fears. Baby steps in growth and being a friend to myself along the way will help me come out on the other side with hope.

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

TOUGHING IT OUT

2012-04-07T19:51:00.000-04:00

Last post I wrote about bumps in the road. It's really hard for me to go through them without beating myself up for not doing a better job.

What exactly does this mean? Well, when I have difficulties with my recovery, my first inclination is to say to myself, "You should feel better than this. You've been in recovery a long time. You shouldn't be struggling, man up!" This is not helpful on so many levels.

When I indulge in negative thoughts about myself, I'm buying into the distorted thinking from my past. Passing judgement is not beneficial. Here's where I have to force myself to do something different.

If we look at the situation with detached love, the answers I would give to the above statements might be: "Who says you should feel better? There will always be times in recovery when your feelings will fluctuate. Length of time in recovery does not mean a guarantee that life will be continuously happy. Feeling uncomfortable is not falling into relapse. Man up!!? Really!?! LOL. That one hasn't come out in a long time! You KNOW recovery isn't meant to handle all by yourself. That's what God, medication, therapy and outreach are for. Take a deep breath and get centered. Slow down and take a different look at things. Look at how you can use what you have learned to get back on track."

Do you see the distinction between the two scenarios? In the first, I am hitting myself over the head repeatedly for being human. Well, as we all know, I can't change my species. Somewhere I learned that if I do not do things perfectly, then I am a failure. That couldn't be farther from the truth! I've had the negative train running through my brain for most of my life, it will take work to replace them with positive thoughts. Wow, give myself a break already!

The thoughts in the first paragraph are definitely DISTORTED. Very simply, I have to realize that distortion is NOT truth. The truth is, I struggle with the very same things that most everyone else does. Feelings of inadequacy, doubt, fear and shame. Feelings are just that, they do not make us who we are. Expecting that a long time recovery assures a perfect life is unrealistic. A "perfect" life is not the goal, accepting my imperfections and loving myself as I am is.

What if a very close and dear friend came to you and said what I did in the opening? Would you scold them, tell them they aren't trying hard enough or to just get over it? NO! I bet you would put your arms around them, let them cry and tell them better days are coming. You would help them see themselves as you do, a very cherished person. So why don't we do that for ourselves? Good question, and something to reflect on.

The first thing I need to reflect on is my connection to God. I get real hope and comfort from reading passages in the Bible. Then it's time to be still and listen. The answers will come into my heart if I let them. I've already taken a walk today to clear my head and that helped. Writing this post has me feeling much more at peace than I have in the past few days.*

He carries me when I cannot walk

*What I share in these posts is not meant to be any kind of advice on what you should do in your own recovery. I write about things that work for me, and share feelings, in the hopes that I will be able to get better and touch someone's heart who is struggling.

With much love,

Janice

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

BUMPS IN THE ROAD

2012-04-04T00:42:00.000-04:00

Today I've been struggling. I feel all out of sync and unable to find a clear direction. Sometimes, things happen this way with this bipolar disorder.

It's hard to get out of bed. I'm thinking "What for?". So, I play on my iPhone for a while to pass the time. This makes me feel like I'm doing something because my hands are moving. Then, I go to the computer. A look at my emails tells me I have way too many that need to be deleted. I don't want to do that. Time to go to social sites. What can I post that won't sound too negative or depressed? Ummmmm, nothing right now. I'm so behind in responses on one site. My brain hurts. So, on to the ad site I work on. I still haven't got an answer for why the amount I got paid and what I earned are different. Sigh. I don't want to deal with this, just give me the answer I want, please. I have to make some phone calls but that definitely isn't happening. Ah, Facebook games! More time passes while I keep my hands busy and my mind wanders over what I should do today. Aha! I haven't read my daily scripture...I should have done that first. These are the times I feel like God and I aren't on the same wavelength. Well, I believe it's me who is off. More than believe, I know it! There are no magic answers that jump out of the pages today. Boy, would I love to have some magic. Sigh. What about these promotional offers I've been completing for cash? Hmmmm, gonna have to stay on top of these so I don't get billed past the trial period. Too much to think about. What now?

Now it's time to get something to eat. I'm supposed to be fasting for Lent, but that is out of my grasp right today. Okay, what to have? A banana is good, not too much and healthy. Ah, my mom made her traditional potica (nut roll) for Easter. That doesn't go along with my food plan, but what the heck, I'll just have one slice. Oh man, all I want to do is eat, eat, eat. Gives me something to do with my hands and puts off any decision making. I'd really like to eat the whole nut roll, but that sure wouldn't look good. Damn. What I really want is some fast food, the greasiest and saltiest I can get. I have no desire to fix myself a decent meal and now I've blown the fast. What to do, what to do?

Time for me to sit on the couch for awhile and watch TV. My ever-present iPhone is with me. My sister is cleaning and getting together ingredients for dinner. I don't really care. Not planning to participate. I spend more time playing games on my phone while the TV drones on. I don't want to sit here all day because it looks like I have nothing productive to do. Now that I'm living with family instead of being on my own, appearances make a difference to me. Back upstairs to my room. Now I'm looking at the same things I was before that I still don't want to do. Wait, I haven't showered yet! Normal people do that, right? And yes, after I shower, I discover it is dinner time. Another chance to eat...thank God. I just want to stuff myself so that I can ignore how useless I feel today. I fill up my plate, being careful not to take too much. Don't want anyone to notice that I'm having a problem today. Of course, I eat food that's not on my plan. The prime-time TV shows are on, so I can safely watch without looking like I'm loafing. That ought to take me up until bedtime, when I can get up to my room again. Yeah, I eat one more slice of potica. My sister's asleep on the couch, so she won't see me have another piece.

Let's look back at the day: I've successfully put off taking any action on anything and managed to fill the day by doing essentially nothing. I do feel full of nervous energy so I do more stuff on the computer. It's getting into the early morning hours, when I seem to be most inspired. Thought about going to bed sooner, but didn't. Can I just do ONE productive thing today??

That's how I came to writing a new post for the blog. It's 3:00 am and sleep is about the last thing I want to do. I'm making myself turn out the lights and go to bed. Lord, put something positive into my head.

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400

WHAT RECOVERY MEANS

2012-03-04T01:43:00.000-05:00

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines BIPOLAR DISORDER :

"any of several psychological disorders of mood characterized usually by alternating episodes of depression and mania —called also manic depression, manic-depressive illness".

I've been depressed most of my life. The last time I remember feeling real joy while I was growing up was when I was about five or six. I got up early and got ready for school, just bursting with happiness and eagerness to get there. One of my family members came and told me that it was Saturday and that there was no school. The good feelings I had whooshed out like air out of a balloon. I don't know why this sticks in my mind; it's just an instance I clearly remember.

In 1990, I was first diagnosed with clinical depression. I got medications and psychological treatment. My care was excellent, but I was going through this continuous up-and-down cycle that no one seemed to know how to help me with. I had many different psychiatrists and therapists, usually because of insurance changes, and each time I thought I finally would find the answers with new treatment.

It took until 2006 for me to get the proper diagnosis. Here are a few reasons why:

My doctors, though excellent clinicians, didn't know enough about bipolar disorder to look for the symptoms. Very few in the medical community really knew much about manic and depressive mood swings at that time.
I did not go see my psychiatrist when I was in a manic (high) cycle. I felt good, so I thought that was normal. It wasn't until I crashed down into deep depression that I would get help. Also, many times when I saw psychiatrists and therapists, I put on a "good face", hiding how low I really felt.
I thought that the up-and-down cycles I went through over and over were an indication of my failure to get well. I thought was beyond help and felt like giving up.

Then, in March 2006, I moved and needed to change psychiatrists again. By some miracle, my doctor referred me to University Hospital's Mood Disorder Program. There I was asked to fill out a questionnaire about bipolar disorder and I answered "yes" to 8 out of 10 questions for symptoms. I didn't believe it. I remember that the the doctor wanted me to enter University Hospital's Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) as soon as possible. I actually told her I didn't have time for that, I needed to go to work! Gently, she explained that I had a much more important priority than work.

Thank God for that day. That meant up-and-down cycles I was blaming myself for were part of my disorder. The high I experienced wasn't the "normal" mood I felt I had to maintain, it was mania. I hadn't failed at managing my depression. What a relief! I wasn't so abnormal that I was beyond help. There were treatments and medications that could help me.

Over the last six years I have learned more about bipolar disorder and myself than I ever thought possible. It's been a long and hilly climb up, the important word is UP. Even though I've sometimes felt like I'm back at the beginning, I'm always in a better place than I was in the past.

So what does this illness mean to me today? It means that I've been on a journey of growth that is sometimes joyful and sometimes exasperating. The main thing I've learned is to see and change the ways I had of thinking and reacting to life's hurdles. Following is an example of enormous growth for me:

Recently my daughter told me some things about myself I didn't want to hear. I had hurt and disappointed her by not following through on a commitment, and she was upset. She knows this is one pattern I've had when I'm in depression. Being in the throes of illness is like being in a cocoon. It doesn't always feel great, but it's a safe place to hide. I don't feel much except apathy and indifference for the world out there. Since I had let her down like in the past, she questioned whether or not I was really well.

My daughter is having her own struggles with depression. She thought this was just one more incident in a long line of disappointments. If this was true, and all my work and medication hadn't made me well, what hope did she have for her own recovery?
I felt like my heart had stopped. My daughter knows all too well what I've been through, and the struggles I've had to stay on top of my depression. She knows often I've questioned my own wellness, and that her honest reaction could rock me to my core. I feared that if she thought I was in a possible relapse, then maybe it was true. It took tremendous courage on her part to confront me.

Here is how what happened after that indicates recovery:

I felt the pain and cried. That wouldn't have happened before. I would have gotten angry and defensive, and justified the perfect opportunity to overeat and stuff my feelings down.
I didn't try to fix my daughter's feelings. In the past I would have bent over backwards to alleviate the pain she was experiencing, instead of crying and showing how hurt I felt.
I was able to see the truth about what my daughter said. Though I didn't like it, I had to accept responsibility for my part of the problem. There were hurt feelings on both sides. I had to acknowledge that my actions were the problem, not hers.
Her opinion of me did not change the way I felt about myself. There was a time when I would have been completely crushed by what she said and gone into a downward spiral of depression. I made a mistake; I didn't have a relapse. That is a very important distinction.
I didn't make depression the fall guy. It's been very easy for me to say "I was too depressed to deal with that." Part of being well is stepping up and admitting that I have to work hard to stay out of past patterns of behavior.
We were able to talk directly and honestly about finding solutions to the problem. I had to admit that I was wrong. That is not what I would have done in the past. I would have paraded my hurt like a martyr, hoping to make her feel guilty for her honesty. I would have dissolved into tears, hiding behind them so that she would feel sorry for me, and I would be off the hook for taking any action to resolve the issue. I would have let her think that she "had made me depressed" and turned everything back around to her responsibility.

Was our interaction perfect? No. Were our feelings all smoothed over and everything solved like the end of a 'Brady Bunch' episode? No. Was it easy? Hell no. The difference today is that I am still standing. I admitted I was wrong and took action to heal the hurts. I took care of my feelings instead of expecting the other person to do it. As a result, my daughter and I came to an understanding that has improved our relationship. Now we talk about what expectations are on both sides and communicate more clearly what we need from each other.

This is recovery.

For more information on depressive illnesses:

University Hospitals

Mood Disorders Program

10524 Euclid Ave

Cleveland, OH 44106

(216) 844-2400