My friend, Jill, and I spent the morning and early afternoon on an East Bay shopping trip. We tried on shoes at a Berkeley shop, swooned over odds and ends at The Gardener, ate delicious fried chicken sandwiches and strawberry shortcake at an ironing board in front of Bakesale Betty, and visited the West Elm for the flower pop-up shop. One of my favorite businesses in the universe, Studio Choo, was there, and I went a little bit fan-girl batty over them. (You might remember that they did our wedding flowers, which remain my favorite detail of our wedding day!) They were so sweet, and remembered my wedding requests and everything! I left with one gorgeous bunch in a West Elm pitcher, and they surprised me with an additional bouquet harkening back to my bridal bouquet. It was an overwhelmingly wonderful end to a great day!

I really hope you’re having a beautiful weekend, wherever you are!

I cannot

cannot

believe that tomorrow marks the beginning of May. I realize that’s a mundane thing to say, but it’s just… unbelievable. April has always been one of my favorite months, and just like that, it’s gone. Luckily, I really love May, too.

I mentioned before that I’m really loving Holly’s idea of listing thing’s she’s already accomplished, and I want to start remembering these things. Here’s what I did this month:

1. Threw my first dinner party in years

2. Went to my first Giants game of 2012

3. Discovered Downton Abbey, and fell madly in love

4. Made it through a choral residency

5. Ordered a full case of our wedding champagne, in preparation for next month’s anniversary (!!!!!!!)

6. Scheduled a doctor’s appointment that I’ve been avoiding for probably a decade. And a half.

7. Threw a surprise party for my boss, complete with “Happy Birthday” being played on our amazing church bells!

8. Had a laughably bad day

9. Flossed every day, except for one

10. Ate more fruits and vegetables than ever in my entire life, EGADS!

11. Drank far less coffee

12. Took my allergy pill every day

13. Didn’t eat a single pastry out of boredom and/or failure to plan

14. Took a whole lot of photos on Instagram

I hope you have a really lovely weekend! I’m going to be working on a few house projects, and then producing a fun surprise for someone (more on that later)! What are you planning for the weekend?

Inspired by Kris, and indeed, started from my mini-list in her comments section.

1. One of my cats has been super snuggly lately. It makes my day every time he snuggles up in my lap.
2. I finally took something to get professionally framed! I feel like a grown-up, in the best possible way.
3. I’m picking up an honest-to-goodness Lord at the airport on Friday. I have no idea how he’s going to feel about riding in my Chevy Malibu, and it is cracking me up.
4. I did an impression of someone for the Horse Whisperer yesterday, and he cried laughing.
5. I found a furniture store that makes EXACTLY the style item I’ve been looking for! And at half the price of anywhere else! And I have a freelance opportunity that will allow me to purchase said item!
6. Mango Ginger Chews. Give me more, please!
7. Heather‘s Webisodes. I love everything about her site, but these little films are like candy.
8. My outfit today looks like some kind of frozen tropical beverage. I couldn’t tell if the colors worked, but now I’m thinking “yes!”
9. One of my 2012 goals was to wear more beautiful shoes, and I’ve been acquiring some great ones.
10. I’m almost able to make it up the hill on my street on my bike.
11. It is almost peony season!
12. I’m heading east to stand up with Mary in her wedding. Three weeks from right now, I’ll be in Baltimore. I can’t wait!
13. My crazy, slightly stressful, and totally hilarious event last week DID NOT LOSE MONEY. This was… surprising. It also, notably, did not make money, but I’ll take what I can get.
14. Holly’s idea of listing things she’s already done. I’ve been trying out this exercise, and I find it really rewarding. (Also, have you seen  her living room? OMG.)
15. While I have failed riotously at several Health Month goals, I’ve also surprised myself by succeeding at others. Most notably, I’ve flossed my teeth every night except for one! Victory is mine! More on this topic later.
16. I got a letter in the mail today with a really cool stamp on it.
17. I downloaded the Bloggess’s new book on my Kindle last night, and I get to start reading it tonight.

What about you? Anything special floating your boat lately?

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. I won’t go into the details, as I honestly don’t really know what’s going on, but a piece of the issue is that it seems I’ve misplaced my ability to notice the small magics surrounding me.

That sounds very woo-woo, right? But it’s always been a particular skill of mine. Noticing the small details of the world, finding immense pleasure in things like the passing aroma of honeysuckle or the way leaves look as they flutter in the wind… these are the things that make me supremely happy. It’s disconcerting, to say the least, when I can’t seem to locate these little moments. Have they disappeared? Is it me? What is happening?

Yesterday, after another lackluster day, I decided on a whim to walk home from work. It was a beautiful day, not too hot or cold, not too windy, and the light was perfect. As I set out, I scanned through my ipod options, and settled on the soundtrack of Goodbye, Lenin, by Yann Tiersen. I quickly shifted into the movie in my head, in which I play a character that manages to balance high functionality and brilliance with Manic Pixie Dream Girl sensibilities. (What? You don’t have an imaginary movie featuring yourself in your head all the time??? And you haven’t cast yourself as some kind of Audrey-meets-Katharine-Hepburn blend? Oh.) And suddenly, in that headspace, with that music in my ears, I felt better. I strolled all the way home, taking pictures along the way, and for the first time in a while, I felt like everything was as it should be.

In reality, it looks like the small, magical things are all still here. I’ve just been missing them. The funk is still lingering, but I can see it for what it is. And that’s a bit of magic all its own.

The beginning.

My day started at approximately 8:45 a.m., when I sat down at my work desk. I heard an alarming sound above my head, like shower water hitting a metal surface. For the record, my office is directly beneath someone’s residential bathroom.

Yes, at a cathedral.

I know, this is going to take you a moment to envision.

Anyway, at 8:46, this water sound stopped. There wasn’t any water, and I said to my coworker, “Huh. That did not sound normal. Did you hear that?” She confirmed that she had. We both shrugged, agreed that there hadn’t been any water, and moved on.

For approximately 90 seconds.

At which point, water began pouring from the ceiling, directly onto my computer. I began to scream. I stared at the water hopelessly, and dialed a coworker’s phone number. I said, “I know that you aren’t in charge of anything related to this, but I don’t know who else to call: water is falling from the ceiling onto my desk.” He paused, and calmly said, “that’s not good.” I then came to my senses, and moved everything out of the way, just in time for the water to stop. After a while, our maintenance guy came by, and toodled around with some stuff in the ceiling. He wandered off, and about five minutes later, a deluge erupted from various points in the ceiling. I grabbed anything that I’ve ever liked in the world, and hightailed it across the hall. I worked from there for the rest of the day.

The end.

Eleven hours later, I finally got into my car to drive home. En route, I got into the most San Francisco car accident of all time.

What? You don’t know what that means?

Well, it is a car accident in which you are rear-ended when you brake to avoid a fixie biker swerving between a double-parked pizza delivery car directly next to a broken-down cable car. Naturally.

He was lovely. I am fine, he was fine, and our cars had maybe one additional scratch on their bumpers, each. It freaked me the hell out, of course, and wasn’t much fun.

But, in retrospect, it is all pretty funny. And I’m so glad today is over. Moving on…

I’m terrible at “wasting time.”

This means the opposite of what you’d probably assume. I am compulsively productive. On any given day off, I feel like I should make great progress on a project. I clean every inch of my house. I do laundry. I make meals for the next five days. I clean out the fridge, scrub the oven, and wash the windows. I’m a woman possessed.

And then, at the end of my “day off,” I find myself exhausted and cranky. Go figure.

The Horse Whisperer is forever telling me to just get out and do something fun. We have different days off for most of the year, so I rarely have a partner-in-crime for field trips and farmer’s market dates – a fact that heightens my “must be productive” tendencies. I also still haven’t quite adjusted to life after teaching weekend flute lessons. For many years, a few unscheduled hours at home were a precious commodity, and had to be filled by catching up on chores. Our current reality has changed, but I haven’t changed my habits. I’m still rushing through everything.

What I’m saying is, I’m trying to get better at “wasting” time. Or, more accurately, I want to be better at prioritizing fun things, or things that make my life better. I think this is what I meant in my 2012 Goals by “Give myself a break, already! Try for a little less self-improvement, and a little more self-acceptance.” Even I know that this is hilarious; I made a self-improvement goal to stop trying so darn hard to improve myself. Crunchy California, you are getting to me! The thing is, I stare at other people’s Instagram feeds or Facebook posts, and I see them taking road trips, hosting barbecues, and drinking mimosas for breakfast. And I think to myself, “I want to be that!” While I realize that what we share online is generally a carefully curated version of reality, I also know that my own weekends often pass without any interaction with the outside world. And it’s my own doing.

I made a real effort yesterday. I took a class at the gym that I never believe I have time to take. I made myself a luxurious breakfast. I went to the Open Studios art event. I attended a little party celebrating the 8th anniversary of a friend’s small business. I didn’t wash a single dish, iron a single shirt, or run the vacuum. It was a great day, and I’m glad I took advantage of the gorgeous weather and got out of my apartment. But today, our apartment is something of a train wreck, and I’m feeling bad for leaving H-dubs to clean it up on his day off.

I know that one day, if and when we have a family, that my days off will again be catch-up time. I know that many of you never have a moment to yourselves. I also know that some of you are brilliant at making time for the lovely, the fun, and the silly. So, I’d like to know from all of you: how do you spend your time off? Given your druthers, would you spend it differently? How do you make time for “fun” in your life? And finally, how do you balance the “fun” with the rest of it?

For the past few months, I’ve been in “I deserve” mode. I’m a huge fan of things that taste good, and I fundamentally hate exercising. So, lately, I’ve gotten home from work and thought, “I deserve to rest tonight, instead of going to the gym. And! I deserve this glass of wine. And this cookie. And this hunk of cheese.”

Not coincidentally, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt really physically good. I have a vague recollection of what that feels like: waking up refreshed, no stomach pains at assorted times, joints decidedly un-creaky. I miss that, and frankly, I think I’m too young to be feeling this old. So, I am going to try an experiment.

For the month of April, I want to see if I can feel really, really great. I’m going to try to accomplish that by mixing some “should do” and “shouldn’t do” lists. Here’s what I’m thinking:

1. I should eat a minimum of six fruits and vegetables per day.

2. I shouldn’t drink more than four alcoholic beverages a week.

3. I shouldn’t drink more than one small cup of coffee per day.

4. I should go to the gym three times per week, for a minimum of 45 minutes each time.

5. I should walk more, and drive less. (I can accomplish this simply by taking the bus to work, instead of driving.)

6. I should floss every night.

7. I should take my allergy pill and vitamin every morning.

8. I should eat breakfast at home, unless we’ve planned in advance to go out for breakfast. No more scones from the coffee shop (that I don’t usually enjoy that much, anyway).

April starts on Sunday. I have no idea if I can accomplish this. I’m an optimist in every way, except when it comes to my own ability to be healthy. Weird, right? But the “I deserve” mentality certainly isn’t serving me in any positive way. So, let’s see what happens. Ready… go.

Five years ago today, Mary visited. It was the first time we’d seen one another since graduating from college. She arrived early in the day, and Pete picked her up. We all agreed to meet at a bar. And that’s where I finally met Dave the Thug.

Photo from March 22, 2007, by Mary

I’d heard about Dave the Thug for ages. Multiple people had regaled me with tales of his antics. We’d even attended a few of the same parties in South Carolina years before, but we had never met. I had a clear picture of him in my head: too-large jeans hanging low on his hips, maybe a large gold chain or two, t-shirt emblazoned with some vaguely offensive slogan. From some of the company he kept, I assumed that he was a heavy pot smoker. I knew – I KNEW – I wouldn’t like him. I had no interest in meeting this “Thug.”

And then he walked into the bar, and everything changed. For the first time in my life, I set my sights on someone. He would not, I silently pledged, leave that bar without asking for my phone number. I laughed at everything he said. I ignored everyone else at the table. (Notably including my best friend, whom I had not seen in years, and who never once complained about it. That? That is one hell of a friend.) I was totally shameless: I played with my hair, touched his arm incessantly. I was on fire. He couldn’t stop talking to me! He was laughing at everything I said! He was MIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!

He didn’t ask for my number. And later, I learned that he was dating another girl at that table, whom I’d also met earlier that evening.

Oops.

I told myself that I had been completely inappropriate for acting that way, and that he was a jerk for responding to it. He friended me on MySpace, and oh! How I tried to stop emailing him! But I couldn’t. Every email he sent me threw me into a tizzy. I wanted Dave the Thug to ask me out so badly. But he never asked for my number. Finally, I forced myself to stop responding. “He has a girlfriend,” I told myself. “You’re being a bad person.”

And then, six months later, I learned that he was single, and had been for a long time. I brazenly invited myself over to his house… only to find that he was out of town for the weekend. (FAIL.) But after that, he asked for my number. He called. He said he was sorry he’d missed me. Asked if I wanted to get dinner sometime.

And after a while, I married him.

Five years ago today, Dave the Thug became the Horse Whisperer. I’m so glad it all happened.

You may or may not have noticed, but right around November 1, 2011, I basically stopped writing here. I’ve lost that bloggin’ feelin’. I have loudly protested to myself that I have no idea why that could be. And, as is usually the case, as soon as I gave myself a chance to be objective, I realized that’s not an honest statement. I know exactly why I stopped writing.

And this is about to get absurd. I hope you’ll bear with me.

I started this blog six years and two days ago (happy belated blogiversary, Self!), at the onset of the biggest financial/professional/personal disaster of my life. It’s hard to wrap my head around how much has changed since then, and I marvel at it constantly. In most ways, it makes me giddy. But it also makes me sort of uncomfortable. When I started this site, I defined myself as a financial and professional failure. This site has largely documented the journey from complete chaos into Now. And Now? Is very much OK.

You see, in September, I got promoted to a job that I adore. In October, we paid off one car. On November 12, my thirty-first birthday, the Horse Whisperer got promoted to a dream job. And THE NEXT DAY, we paid off my credit cards and the second car – a complete coincidence of timing. Suddenly, we weren’t struggling. I have always thought of myself as a have-not. And suddenly, thinking of myself in that way has become a lie.

“Never believe the lies you tell other people.” Someone shared that parable when I was very young, and I am ever vigilant against falling prey to my own false statements. (One might even say it has become something of a neurosis.) I’m also aware that this isn’t actually a problem. This is a so-called “problem” of privilege. But the thing is, this blog has chronicled the struggle to get out of the deepest, darkest, worst place of my life. And now I’ve gotten out of it, and I can’t seem to find my authentic voice. Everything has changed, and my voice feels like a stranger’s.

Slowly, surely, I’m finding it again. It’s a new voice, and sounds strange in my ears. But it is stronger and happier than before, and it’s time for me to own that new brand of truth. So, forgive me for succumbing to this non-problem. And forgive me for sharing it now. The point of all of this, I think, is that I’m going to stop cringing at this new voice of mine. I’m going to try using it again.