I had a conversation with my sister-in-law yesterday that was an interesting one.  It underscores the importance of ruling out multiple causes for emotional problems.  She stated that both she and a friend of hers realized that their panic attacks were food allergen based.  Hers was related to artificial sweeteners while her friend’s were related to fast food.  While my sister-in-law knew that she had sensitivities to foods because of her migraines and quickly figured it out, her friend had been to many different specialists all over the state and beyond.  She had tried many different kinds of medications for her anxiety and none had worked for her.  After keeping track of when her panic attacks were most likely to occur and linking them to her behavior on those days, she realized that they were linked to fast food.

For me the rule of thumb is to always rule out biological causes of panic attacks because it is better to be safe than dead before seeing a counselor or obtaining prescriptions for anxiolytics.  This conversation underscores ruling out allergens as well.  The best way to rule out allergens is to keep a food journal and a record of panic attacks.  Be aware of hidden ingredients in foods such as the multiple uses of peanuts and peanut oil.

What are mantras you ask?  Mantras are simply words or phrases that we repeat over and over to ourselves while breathing deeply in and out.  The beauty of mantras is that they address both depression and anxiety concerns.  Often both depression and anxiety go hand in hand.  If one has one then the other is there as well.

To do a mantra effectively, get into a relaxed position as you would for a relaxation exercise.  Start with some deep breaths and then repeat a word or a phrase to yourself that has meaning to you.  Some examples are:

• I am loved.
• I am lovable.
• I am at peace.
• I am cared for.
• Love
• Peace
• I am strong.
• I have strength.
• I am full of peace.  (Even if you don’t believe it.)

Use what works for you.  Do this for about 10-15 minutes everyday and you will start to notice a difference in how you feel about yourself and how you react to others.  You will find not only that you feel more peaceful and better about yourself, but also less anxious and less irritable.  If 10 or 16 minutes seem too much for you, try 5 or try it with your eyes open while you are driving or stopped at a stop light.  Try to catch moments through the day when you have a chance to take a deep breath.  Try something like this:  when breathing in, say to yourself, “I breathe in love.” and when breathing out say, “I breathe out peace.”

Okay, I did it.  Yes, I went for it.  I got a lap band.  I have been on many different diets, including Atkins, Weight Watchers, Detox, fasting, as well as watching my weight but the weight always came back because it was hard for me to manage my hunger.  Eventually, I came to the conclusion that if I was going to control my weight, I would need to control the hunger monster.  The lap band became the best solution for me.  I have lost 40 lbs so far since February and have 40 more to go.  The journey is easier this time because the hunger isn’t there and I am confident that I will keep it off because the band will help me to do that.

I have learned a lot with the band already.

• I know what sliming is because I have done it.
• I know what happens when food gets stuck in the band.
• Not to eat french fries.
• Not to eat at all on a day of a fill, but to stick with liquids.
• Breads give me indigestion.
• Gas-x makes a sliming episode worse but water helps.
• Hiccups are a sure sign that I am done eating as is port pain, cramps, and heart burn.
• Stir fries are a great way to get protein in.
• We Americans have an awfully fatty diet.
• Exercise makes the weight melt off faster.
• There are some great support groups out there on the web.
• Liquid protein is great before the band and on fill days but on no other days.
• Not to drink my calories.
• The dietitians who have not lost weight or had weight loss surgery don’t really understand what it is like nor do they necessarily know everything that a bandster goes through.
• Unless a person has been there, no one really understands the looks or the attitudes of others toward overweight people.
• Sometimes emotions can derail weight loss efforts even with the band.

This last one is where I can come in and help you get back on track.  Whether you are thinking of getting weight loss surgery or already have had it, I can help you get past your mental blocks, learn more about yourself and what the band means to you and learn how to stay on track with your weight loss.  Try me and see if I can help you by taking advantage of the free first session.

This is a question that I get asked often.  Before the age of nine, my daughter didn’t really understand what I tried to tell her.  I said that dad planted a seed in me and that is how she came to be.  She tells me now that she thought that I ate a plant.  At the age of nine, she started asking me all kinds of questions about sex and I answered all of them truthfully while inside I’m thinking, “Gees, how embarrassing to tell her all this stuff and how far do I go?”  I gave her the truth because if I don’t, then she gets it from kids on the playground.  At this age she tells me that what she gets from them is a mixed bag of truth and fiction.  She also tells me that as a result of answering her questions truthfully, I am her best friend.  She knows that she can come to me for straight forward answers.  As a tween who is starting to evaluate my parenting, I am happy to know that she can trust me with her questions about sex.  As she grows older and boys, who by the way are already flocking around her, start making moves on her, she will come to me and ask about how far to go with sex and when to lose her virginity.  At 25 years old I hope!

I’m a survivor fan and I think Jeff Probst put this best.  He said the reason why survivor is so interesting is that everyone draws lines and everyone draws them in different places.  By drawing lines, he means setting boundaries.  Everyone sets their boundaries slightly differently depending on their life circumstances.  Healthy boundaries can vary from person to person.  It mostly depends on what we want to keep private from others, how much we tolerate being bossed by others and even within one person how much we trust the other persons around us.
It is normal for any couple to have discussions on boundaries because of the issues of trust, bossiness, and privacy.  Learning to set appropriate boundaries doesn’t end these discussions.  The trick is to own your own boundaries and not expect others to just know what they are or where they are.  That is what being assertive is about.

Physical boundaries are like a bubble around ourselves. There are many types of boundaries.  You can see your own physical boundary by watching what you do when someone gets too close to you. The point at which you backed up or looked down is your physical boundary. Physical boundaries protect us from being physically hurt by another person. Watch what another person does when you move into that person’s space. Did he back up or look down? Was her space bigger or smaller then yours? The space that we give to the opposite sex tends to be wider then to the same sex. The space given for children is smaller and the space given for taller people is bigger.

Emotional boundaries are when someone overly criticizes you, calls you names, puts you down, and does not value you as a person. You do not have to be treated that way. You can set a limit and not allow others to put you down or call you names. Sometimes when we are brought up in households where there is a lot of verbal abuse, our emotional boundaries have been crossed so many times that we set it inappropriately too close and continue to allow others to call us names. This can be unlearned and appropriate boundaries can be taught.

Intellectual boundaries are insidious and difficult to differentiate from emotional boundaries.  Let me start with a story about a family that I saw in counseling. This family had a single mother and 3 daughters. When the mother was confronted on something and started crying, all of her daughters cried. Similarly when one of the daughters started crying everyone in the family cried. The belief in this family was that if one cried then all must cry. That belief is an intellectual boundary. The intellectual boundary of the daughters had been crossed so that they believed what their mother told them about crying. In other words intellectual boundaries get crossed when a certain message or belief is told so many times, it becomes gospel truth in the family. Beliefs cannot be challenged but all family members must be integrated into the family belief system instead. Intellectual boundaries are most commonly violated in families where to believe anything outside of the families beliefs gets met with criticism and ridicule. So for example if the family’s religion is Methodist then anyone stating a Muslim belief would be met with ridicule. Another example is when a family is homophobic and one of the children realizes that he is homosexual. That family member gets met with criticism and hostility.

Spiritual boundaries are when boundaries around spirituality are crossed like when a person mixes spiritual matters and religion with doing something wrong such as physical abuse or sexual abuse.  Doing the right thing as is taught in all religions gets mixed up with doing the wrong thing.  The victim gets confused then about what is right and what is wrong.  Many victims give up spirituality or at the very least religion altogether because God gets blamed.  Examples of this are when ministers sexually abuse children or when parents see themselves as religious yet treat their children with disrespect and abuse.

Sexual boundaries are the boundaries regarding sex and privacy.  These are crossed not only when an adult touches a child in a sexual way but also when crude language is used around children, adult pornography is shown when children are present and physical privacy is disrespected such as when family members are allowed to go into bedrooms and bathrooms unnounced.

I know.  It is all over the web, in doctor’s offices, in magazines, and in the news.  Prozac is one of the most commonly prescribed drugs so the public is very well informed on depression yet at the same time, I still have people asking me what depression is and if they have it.  The list below is one that I developed after seeing thousands of clients with depression. 

MILD

Lack of motivation

Low self esteem

Feeling tired

Isolating self – not seeing friends or family

Sleeping too much

Feeling sad or blue most days

Thoughts of wanting to die from illness

Losing interest in things that used to be enjoyed such as hobbies

MODERATE

Losing sleep

Losing appetite

Losing hope

Thoughts of suicide with no intent to follow through with it

Feeling helpless, trapped

Having problems concentrating and/or making decisions

SEVERE

Feel hopeless and helpless

Thoughts of suicide become obsessive

Can be self destructive or self defeating

Thoughts of suicide with intent

The moderate and severe  categories include all of the symptoms of the ones before it so moderate includes mild and severe includes mild and moderate symptoms.  You may not experience all of the symptoms in the categories below however if you experience two or more in the moderate and one in the severe category then you would fit in those categories.  I have found that it is not enough just to list the symptoms.  You can deny, minimize and find a way to tell yourself  that you are not depressed or only mildly depressed however when you see your symptoms in the moderate or even severe category, it gets harder to deny it. 

The next question is often whether you should take medication for it.  This is the quideline that I use:  There are two criteria that I use to determine whether you should go on medication or whether you can choose for yourself. 

The first is if the thoughts of suicide have become so persistant that they are scaring you, the means for suicide has become lethal, there have been past attempts or alcohol or drugs are involved.  When you are dead, you are dead.  There is no turning back, no changing your mind.  Alcohol and drugs lower inhibitions which means that you are more likely to follow through with killing yourself under the influence. 

 The second is if you having a difficult time functioning at home or at your job.  You have a job to do, you have kids at home, there are people depending on you to maintain order in their lives.  If you have allowed your depression to overtake you then the quickest way to turn this around is with antidepressants.

Antidepressants have a long half life which means basically that you feel the side effects before you feel the good effects. The most common side effects people feel are headaches and stomach aches or nausea. These go away after the first week. If they don’t then talk to your doctor. The good effects are not felt for about 2-4 weeks later depending on the antidepressant prescribed so do not worry if you are not feeling better right away.

When my daughter, Whitney was about five, a neighbor’s daughter on the bus teased her about her stuffed animal and pretended to take it away.  My daughter wanted her stufty back.  The neighbor lived about a mile down the road from us.  I encouraged her to go talk to the neighbor if she wanted her stufty back.  Whitney paced the driveway a couple of times as she considered whether she was willing to walk outside of the safe confines of the farm yard.  She then started walking down the road.  I watched her until she was almost there and then called the neighbor to warn her that she was coming and to watch for her.  Whitney learned from the neighbor’s daughter that she did not have her stufty.  (She learned later that the girl had thrown it into one of the back seats of the bus.  The driver found it and saved it for her.)

When she came home I encouraged her to see that if she wanted something bad enough, she could conquer her fear and go get it.  Later, my husband confronted her on walking to the neighbor’s and asked her not to do that again.  She came to me and said in a sad voice that she had not learned anything after all because she had done something wrong.  I reminded her that she still had learned that she could conquer her fear.  That lesson had not gone away even though dad was disappointed with her.  Needless to say, I did remind both of them that I had encouraged her to go and she did not deserve the confrontation by dad.  To this day, she remains a confident girl who is unafraid of reasonable risks.  She is willing to take on creative ventures and show them off.

There is a basic structure that is best for good parenting.  When that structure is changed then problems result.

This is the ideal structure. 

1.  The parents are the authority figures.  There are times and exceptions when the child needs to take a parental role or the parents take the child role but these are extremely few and far between and out of necessity.  The roles go back to the norm as soon as possible. 

2.  People are allowed into the family and out of the family but they are people that are known to the family, under structured times and circumstances and those people do not take over the family. 

3.  The parents function as a unit together rather then allowing their children to come between them.  They agree on rules.  They do not argue or contradict each other about rules in front of the children but rather away from them.  There are time when one parent may not agree with what the other parent is doing.  It is better to allow it to happen, unless the child is getting physically hurt, and then wait until later to discuss the disagreement.

4.  The parents communicate with their children to understand their wants and needs.  They do not expect too much or too little of them. Parents need to be flexible enough to take into consideration what the child needs.  If a child needs nurturing instead of discipline then that exception needs to be made.  A case in point is the shift in understanding children with hyperactivity problems.  The thought used to be that the behavior had to be beat out of them.  Now the thought is to understand them and to help them learn how to deal with their behaviors so that they do not get in the way of other people. 

These are some common stuctures where problems take place.

1.  The parents are either overly stuck in their authoritarian role and not allowing for exceptions when needed.  These households tend to be rigid and unyielding.  Although well ordered, the children feel like objects rather than as individuals.

2.  They let the children take care of them and are overly lenient.  These households tend to be chaotic with people going in and out and no rules being enforced.  The children are frequently protective of their parents but are usually neglected.

3.  One is overly lenient and the other is overly strict.  This comes in a variety of forms but it is the most frequent structure.  The children learn quickly that the lenient one will give them what they want however this comes at the cost of the strict one feeling left out in the cold and frustrated because they are seen as the “bad” parent.

“I” messages do two things. Not only do they help us communicate with others, they also keep us from feeling like a victim. We have all heard of  “I” messages and if you haven’t, this is what an “I” message is: I feel (feeling) when (this happens or event) because (why). 

“I” messages break down barriers allowing us to listen to each other. “You” messages put up walls because we are busy defending ourselves from attack. Isn’t it easier to hear someone say, “I feel worried when you don’t tell me where you are and when you are going to come home because I am afraid of what might happen. I’m afraid that you might be splat in the middle of some street somewhere.” then to hear someone say, “Why didn’t you call? You make me so mad when you don’t call. How many times do I have to tell you to call me? You could be dead in some alley somewhere and I wouldn’t know about it.”  Both are saying essentially the same thing but the first is easier to listen to.

General considerations when using “I” messages:

1.  Before you make an “I” statement answer the questions: 

   What am I feeling?

   When am I feeling it?

   Why am I feeling it?

2.  Use feelings words such as uncomfortable, hurt, angry, or worried.

3.  Use of the word “like” is also acceptable such as, “I feel like a doormat when I mop the floor and then you come in with dirty shoes and make tracks because my effort to clean was wasted.”

4.  Be specific when describing when something happened. Not when this place is a mess but rather when the towels are not picked up in the bathroom.

5.  Be specific in describing why. Not because I hate picking up after you rather because I am afraid I might slip on one of the towels and get hurt.  Being specific helps the listener to understand what exactly it is that you are upset about and why exactly that is. If you are not specific enough, it is easier for the other person to deny that it happened or to question what you are talking about.

6.  Avoid “You” statements such as ”I feel that you…”, or “You make me feel…”.

Practice, practice

Learning to use “I” messages can be like learning a foreign language. In foreign languages the grammar is different. Nouns are after verbs and adjectives are after nouns so not only do you need to learn different words but also different sentence structures. As a result you are going to be stumbling over sentences for awhile. It is generally easier to write down some sentences or practice sentences in your head much like you would when learning a foreign language. Practice helps.

Men versus women

Men generally find it easy to say why they are feeling the way they are but don’t know what they are feeling. Women generally can go on and on about how they are feeling but have no idea why they feel they way that they do. They just do thank you very much! In my experience couples either both are not specific about when things happen or both are very detailed about when things happen.

What do “I” messages have to do with being a victim?

“I” messages are about taking ownership for what you are feeling and thinking rather than blaming others for what you are feeling and thinking. No one makes you feel the way that you do and no one makes you think the way that you do. This is a tough concept for many people to understand. You choose how you feel based on what you think. For example, “You make me mad when you leave the towels on the floor. How many times have I told you to pick them up?”  If I said that, my thinking would likely be: they are so thoughtless; I’m tired of yelling; nobody listens to me. I would be feeling mad because of those thoughts. If I thought to myself instead. I will teach my children how pick up the towels on the floor by giving them a consequence and then following through with that or by reorganizing the bathroom routine so that it would be easier for them to keep the towels picked up. I might still feel mad yes but mostly I would feel empowered and purposeful because I would feel like I was doing something about it. My “I” message might come out like this, “I am so afraid of slipping and falling when the towels are on the floor. I am really angry that they were left there. Would you kids like me to take away your favorite toy when you leave the towels on the floor or would you like to put them on these hooks that I have hung just for them. See, they each are a different color so you know which one is yours.”  I would be in control of what happened rather than allowing my children to be in control.

Nobody makes anybody feel anything.

Another example is if my husband gave me flowers and I thought “Oh, how nice of him to give me flowers.”  I would likely thank him for giving them to me. But if I thought instead, “What a waste of money. He could have bought me something for my kitchen instead.”Then I would feel angry and would tell him not to do it again. Not only do “I” messages break down defenses but they also put us in control of our thoughts and feelings. When we are in control of those, we are no longer a victim.

These four are the most popular relationship problems I see so I will discuss these.

1.The blame game. 

This one is the hardest for people to understand.  It is so much easier to play the victim and blame the other person for the problems.  When you learn that the behavior is appropriate in your partner and that the unhappiness is actually within yourself then you can stop blaming the other and start working on yourself.

2. Acceptance is the key. 

This one I teach using the serenity prayer.  Accept that you cannot change the other person; you can only change yourself.  To try and change someone who does not want to be changed is like hitting repeatedly against a brick wall so it is time to stop the pain of trying to move a brick wall.

3.Where’s the respect?  Use “I” messages. 

Attacking the other person only puts their defenses up and does not lead to problem solving.  Once this is established and “I” messages are learned then learn basic problem solving skills.

4.   Who said you have to be right all the time? 

This one is fairly easy to fix.  Once the couple sees how unhappy being right is causing both of them, then they give it up.

If you see yourself in any of these, talk to me at www.brighterdays4you.com