Brigit Writes

The Wife Coach - part 2 "The Reply"

2018-03-05T19:38:00.000-08:00

The Wife Coach - part 1 "The Ad"

The comments for part 1 have not only inspired me to expand on the real life behind the story, but also to add to the story in a particular way. I'm not often censored by what I "should" do in my fiction, but, I think it's important to address the issues that arose for people.

I can see where, in real life, this scenario could cause problems. Especially with the "cuckolding" issue. I think if a person actually made some sort of sexual connection or partnership with another person (without their partner's permission) in order to "heal" a marriage or improve a sex life, that would definitely be wrong. Even if one didn't actually have sex with that someone else, the sexual tension and power play would still be akin to cheating.

I've paid several therapists over the course of our marriage to give me advice. And I've read a lot of things that I've paid for. The advice from the therapists was specific to my relationship, and some helped. In order to get that advice, I had to be pretty open about some pretty personal stuff. The advice I've gotten from books has been generic, and little of it has helped, which has left me feeling frustrated. I've also talked to friends and divulged all kinds of private details to them...because that's what friends do. But still, it's hard to give truly helpful advice when you aren't on the inside. Whether paid or free, outside advice is not always useful.

The idea of getting a man's perspective on what a man wants from a woman is the central theme here. It's a fantasy in the story. But in real life, any advice I'd get from a person outside of my marriage would be just that...advice.

What this fantasy is exploring is the ease of access to insider tips that don't seem to be very forthcoming in the real world. What would it be like if someone could simply open an app on their phone every day for the perfect idea to satisfy their mate? How handy we could sign up for a wife coach as easily as we sign up for a life coach?

I have subscribed to daily intention services before that entail an email each day that gives me something to think about or do, but the closest I've come to finding a daily "sex life" instructional is Cosmo's 365 series, which is terrible, and some that provide a daily sex position to try. I've also found several 30 day sex challenges, but they are also rather uninspiring. I'm not interested in trying to have sex every day for 30 days. I'm interested in learning what makes a man feel desired...without a lot of theory...or another damned book to read...or another $150 for a counseling session that won't help a thing.

I'm a fan of small steps. And, as busy as I am, I'm also a fan of "easy." I get that relationships and commitment are not "easy," nor should they be, for that matter. I'm not trying to get out of work or let someone else do my relationship for me. I've put in countless hours trying to correct what has gone awry. At this point, I'm digging for something new. Something that hasn't been tried. Hence, this fantasy.

Not too long ago, I read a book called Wife School. I've also read, The Empowered Wife. Both of them are decent enough books, though WS is Christian-based, and I'm not religious, so there's that. They give good information about being a good wife (which I'm pretty decent at, btw) but they don't go into great detail about how to be a good lover (which is where I pretty much suck right now). The few books I've read about being a good lover aren't very specific either. Probably the best I've read recently is Passionista. But even that just didn't work (although I appreciated the male perspective).

I realize there is no easy solution. But the beauty of fiction is that solutions can be just that. So, without further ado...here's part two.

The Wife Coach - part 2 "The Reply"

Jaime took a deep breath and opened her email. She'd been checking every few hours since she'd placed the ad. Nothing had popped up yet, but her hope infused every keystroke.

She typed in her password and began scrolling her inbox. Several emails from friends and family. A ton of spam. Some messages related to recent purchases. And some updates from websites she belonged to. But, buried in the middle, there was one that bore the title "REPLY: Married woman seeks man..."

Jaime sucked in her breath through pursed lips, held it for a moment, let it out in a a gush, and opened the email. She squinted her eyes to focus on the words.

I was married 25 years to an amazing woman. Recently, she passed. But we were happy when she was alive. Happy in every way. EVERY way, if I can be so bold to assert such a thing. I've got a lot of time on my hands these days, and I'd like to focus on something other than being so very alone.

I think I might be able to help you. Or at least...I'd like to try. If I could get some more information about you...and what is going wrong (or right?)...that might give me some place to begin. That is, if you want to.

I suppose I should probably give a little more background on myself.

I'm a literature professor. I spend a majority of my time reading, writing, and walking my dog, Jake - a golden retriever who thinks he's human.

I'm not sure what I was doing perusing the personal ads. My world has been pretty empty since my wife, Jessica, succumbed to cancer. She was the life in this house.

I'm also not sure what is was about your ad that pulled me in, but I guess I was intrigued by your request. It was to the point, well-written. You seem to know what you want...or at least what you hope to find. But I get a sense of exasperation...an "I've hit the wall" vibe that isn't so much desperate, but determined.

I've spent the majority of my life guiding young minds to find their true paths. I'd like to see if my skills can work in a different way.

If you would like to continue this conversation, please feel free to respond.

-Everett

Jaime read through the email a few times before she put both hands on the keyboard. She hit the arrow to reply:

Everett,

Thank you for your reply. I'm sorry to hear of your wife's passing.

I'm glad, however, that my ad intrigued you. While I do know generally what I want, the specifics are pretty muddy. I'm sort of grasping at straws here, but I'm open to trying pretty much anything. My husband and I have been to counselors, and I'm not interested in trying yet another.

Really, what I'm looking for are some concrete actions that I can try.

So, at the risk of sounding completely forward, what would you suggest? What is ONE thing I can try TODAY to start closing the enormous divide that has spread between my husband and I? We'll call this a test. If your suggestion gets me somewhere (even just within myself), we can share a few more details. Maybe even meet in person at some point.

So, I'll just leave the ball in your court. I'm eagerly awaiting your suggestion.

-Jaime

(...to be continued)

Focus on the Shoes (photography)

2018-03-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

Sunlight (Final February PhotoFest 2018)

2018-02-28T20:38:00.000-08:00

This is the me that my husband loves. This photo was taken the morning after a hotel takeover. It was a New Year's affair somewhere near Seattle a few years ago. We'd had a lovely time, mainly people-watching. We met up with a couple we'd had some very hot sex with several weeks before. We (me, my husband, and the other couple) had drinks, and laughs, and less exciting sex (than the first time)...but in the morning, when it was just Mr. D and myself, we lazed around the hotel room, enjoyed the sunlight, and he took several photos of me. I loved the way they turned out. Everything about these photos made me feel sexy. In this one, I wore his shirt. It still smelled of his cologne.

And those shoes! So worth the blisters.

With that...February Photofest 2018 ends. It was challenging to come up with an image every day, but I'm glad I did it.

Girl in a Dress (photography)

2018-02-27T20:12:00.003-08:00

I need a stiff drink... (photography)

2018-02-26T19:01:00.002-08:00

Morning Light (photography)

2018-02-25T10:56:00.001-08:00

Looking Down (photography)

2018-02-24T11:08:00.000-08:00

Fitness Friday

2018-02-23T12:54:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's finally Friday!

This week, I'm doing better with my fitness goals. I had to take a week off earlier in the month because my plantar fasciitis was acting up. Rather than injure it worse by plodding through, I decided to take it easy for awhile.

That was a good idea.

This week, I've made some gains with my 5K training. I did 8 minute-long runs and upped my running pace to 5.5 or 6 mph.

I went to yoga twice, and also decided to simplify my workout routine a bit more. As I hate to work out, the 6 workouts per week was beginning to wear on me. Rather than sending me out the door in a better mood with more energy, it was bringing me down. I was going to bed at 8:30 each night and not looking forward to the morning. There are certainly benefits to a morning workout. And the days I run/walk, I do feel a surge of added energy and a lift in mood. But, when I tried to do it every day of the work week (a.m. run M/W/F, a.m. strength T/TH, plus yoga p.m. T/TH, and strength Sun) I was burning myself out on fitness.

For some people, working out all the time is great. They look forward to it, and it's a number one personal goal. By working out so much, I actually began to feel that this goal was taking precedence over my other two (marriage/sex and writing/blogging). I only have so many hours in a day.

So I did a little time blocking session using Google Calendar. I color code my calendar based on several factors...mainly: work, reading/writing, family time & time to focus on Mr. D, fitness, housework, appointments, sleep, and events. If one color starts to take over, I know I have a problem. If a color is missing or rare, I also know I have a problem (sometimes).

I came up with a new, simpler plan that seems to be working better. I do my 5K training T, Th, and Sunday morning. I go to yoga T/Th evenings. I know I should be getting some strength training in, but...I'm just gonna let that one go for awhile.

Bent (photography)

2018-02-23T11:03:00.000-08:00

Naked: a softening perspective (photography)

2018-02-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

Here is my Throwback Thursday photo edit for February PhotoFest 2018:

Here is the original post that this image came from:

Naked: A Softening Perspective

I look at myself in the mirror. Naked. From a distance, there's an hourglass shape. Upon closer inspection, however, there are all the faults I'm learning to process. The older I get, the more of them I see. But also, the easier they are to accept. My perspective softens with age. And I become more forgiving.

I stopped looking at magazines years ago. But it doesn't mean I don't inadvertently compare myself to other women. Constantly. And it shines a huge spotlight on my insecurities. My rather ample behind, my softening midsection, my less than perky breasts.

But, when I'm alone, I can usually look past all of that. And I'm getting better at accepting that Daddy finds all of it attractive. All of it. Which sort of blows my mind. I'm also getting better at dressing for the body that I have rather than the body I wish I had.

Acceptance is half the battle right?

So as I stand naked before the mirror, in the full glow of the bathroom lights, I place a hand beneath each breast to lift them. I let them drop and marvel at how changeable they are. When it's cold, the nipples pucker and darken to a shade of brown. But they melt in the heat, becoming weighted by the humidity. They grow dark hairs that I constantly pluck out, because I hate them, But the areolas, on a warm day, are a lovely shade of blush on a background of pale white skin.

And then there are the purple and white stretch marks across my abdomen and hips. There's nothing I can do about those, besides look past them. Along with my thighs, which have always rubbed together, and will...no matter how much weight I lose.

But there are parts I love. My hands, my eyes, my lips, my skin, my hair.

It helps to look through someone else's eyes on occasion. So, I asked Daddy to write briefly about HIS image of me. This is the list He came up with:

Qualities:
strong, but prefers to follow me
bratty
uber professional at work
worrier
obsessive
closed off
hard to approach
socially not engaged
an awesome wife
a loving mother
my best friend
inappropriate (you might not say it but you laugh at it when I do)
easily agitated and annoyed
the ability to squirt
your love for masturbation
your adventurousness and willingness to follow me when your head is in the game
that you find women as sexy as I do
that you find other men attractive and can tell me.
you will laugh at me when I do something dumb
you are submissive
that you are so literary and well-schooled
that you can make geek jokes and you laugh at crude ones
Appearance:
your green eyes, such pools of jade
your hips, the way they hourglass away from your waist
your full breasts, you are a mom and they are still spectacular
your tattoos
your ass, such a marvel of perfect womanhood
your perfectly shaped asshole
you DON'T have a gut
your shaved pussy is porn quality

Interestingly, my mind went straight to appearance and body image with this prompt, but his traversed the landscape of personality, character, actions, and appearance. He has a much broader lens to examine me with.

I probably should, too.

Something I also notice is that I gravitate to women's bodies that are like mine. It's not that I'm trying to make myself feel better. It's that I "find them attractive." All the things that I hate about my own body are the things I love about theirs. How dumb is that?

Here are a few examples...

Both women are beautiful...but get a load of miss Surrey! Not your typical beauty queen. I'm certainly not saying that Miss England is unattractive. But...I'm personally more attracted to the gal on the left. That's why it's so odd that I hold myself up to the standard of Miss England here. Why do I want to look like that, when what I think is hot...is not that at all? Bizarre.

And to conclude...me...in all my size 14 glory.

Reading in Bed (photography)

2018-02-21T19:36:00.000-08:00

Garters & Thigh Highs (photography)

2018-02-20T21:14:00.004-08:00

Two with the same theme (but very different edits). February 19 and February 20.

Garters and thigh highs are my husband's favorite lingerie staples.

The Wife Coach - part 1 "The Ad"

2018-02-19T20:30:00.000-08:00

Jaime scrolled down through the menu of options on the local newspaper's website, looking for the online classified ad purchasing options. It was a weird ad to post, but she'd been thinking about it for some time. After years of trying option after option, it seemed less a desperate last attempt than the smartest thing she should have done months (or even years) ago.

Kurt had been unhappy for much of their marriage. It wasn't that she was a terrible wife, but she'd turned out to be less the wife he'd hoped for and more the wife one became as a result of constant exhaustion, and insidious complacency. She'd become boring.

But Jaime was so out of the habit of being the "right" woman for Kurt, that she couldn't even remember what she'd done to catch him (and keep him) in the first place. Books and podcasts and websites just hadn't provided her the personalized "coaching" that she needed...nor the motivation to keep at it. And Kurt was so used to being disappointed by her half-hearted attempts that he no longer even seemed very receptive.

Though she felt this ad was making an odd request that was unlikely to lead to any real, good leads, the possibilities were too interesting to let the idea go without at least trying.

When the paged popped up for Jaime to type her ad, she took a drink of her coffee and titled her ad:

"Married woman seeks man to help her become a better wife."

In the text box below that, she typed her message:

"I've been married over ten years. Somewhere along the way, the spark was lost. I've read and researched myself right into a corner, but nothing I've found has really worked. These Cosmo Magazine lists and "what your man really wants" books aren't realistic and aren't working. I need help that is tailored just for me, from a man who knows what men want. What I need most are actionable directives that I can carry out on a daily basis. I need direction. I need to be told what to do. If you're the man to do it, please contact me."

She saved her ad, paid her fee, and sent her request into the internet abyss, crossing her fingers and praying that something would come of this. Somewhere, in front of another screen somewhere, there just might be a person reading her ad who would think to himself, "I know just how to help this woman."

To be continued...

P.S. For anyone who has read my blog for any length of time, you know this is the beginning of a fairly autobiographical story. I've fantasized about this sort of thing for awhile. Having another person, namely a man who "gets it" and knows just how a marriage can stagnate...maybe even a man who's been through it, to help me navigate my way back to being the creative, adventurous woman that my husband fell in love with...well, it would be amazing. The interesting thing about it being a man who's been through it...or is going through it...is that he'd be able to tell me just what he wishes his own wife would do (or have done)...those realistic things that husbands would love for their wives to know, but rarely tell them. I get a lot of this sort of information by reading blogs written by married men in unfulfilling marriages. But, those are glimpses. And what I'd love is a daily dose of inspiration and direction from a guy like this. I imagine one of two types of guys (or both!). A Dominant, who guides me as a submissive. Or a regular Joe who just wants to be heard and share his desires and needs with someone who will listen. In fact, I could see it becoming like a backwards advice column, where men simply email me their suggestions and ideas.

Hmmm...

Triptych: February Photofest 2018 x3 (I am really sucking at keeping up with this!)

2018-02-18T17:27:00.001-08:00

Here's an image for each of the day's I have missed this week (Friday/Saturday), as well as today!!! I've just been having a helluva time finding minutes and/or motivation this week. My energy has been super low, but I don't think I'm getting sick again. At yoga class, several others stated they were feeling pretty depleted, as well, so maybe it's a seasonal thing or a case of changing atmospheric pressure. Who knows, but it's definitely affected my blogging life. Here's to hoping that next week will be better!

Offering (photography)

2018-02-15T20:07:00.002-08:00

Valentine (photography)

2018-02-14T20:45:00.002-08:00

February Photofest 2018 x 2 (since I didn't have it in me last night)

2018-02-13T21:00:00.004-08:00

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color)

Feb. 8-11 - things I don't like about my body
Belly
Back Roll
Inner Thigh
Areola

(Okay...there were several other things I could have added to this list, but I couldn't figure out how to photograph them well...my double-ish chin, the sag under my arms, my cellulite, hair in weird places...so I'm just letting well enough alone. I actually have a fairly healthy relationship with my faults, so I am moving on to something else.)

Feb. 12/13 - intermission

Feb. 14 - 21 Happy Valentines! A great time to focus on things I love about my body!

Feb. 22-28 - black and white

Monogamy

2018-02-12T21:06:00.001-08:00

So I had a bad weekend. My mood dropped dramatically, and I found myself fighting to stay afloat in my head. I'll be okay...don't worry. I have times like this. Depression never fully goes away, and I often feel like I'm just a few steps ahead of the demon.

Both hubby and I deal with it, so we take care of each other when the monsters come to call.

That's one of the things I love most about my marriage. How we take care of each other.

But that's not what I want to write about today. What I want to write about is monogamy. I figured it's fitting for my first "Marriage Monday" post. (I'm going to try to limit my personal experience posts to Mondays so you can expect them and either wait for them with baited breath because you're totally interested in my boring little life, or you can avoid them if you're tired of hearing me complain and rant and process all the failures and successes of my marriage. I also have so much other writing I like to do, this will force me to keep to a doable "check in on the state of my life/marriage" writing schedule.)

So I had sort of an existential crisis this weekend.

I read tons of blogs and websites each week, not only for fun, but research. Somehow, I headed down a particular rabbit hole...oh wait...I know exactly how I got there--I was reading a twitter post from Jack (Frisky in the 916) that discussed explaining poly terminology to someone who didn't know much about it. The two words he listed were "compersion" and "NRE." I asked my husband, who was on the couch beside me, what those two words meant. He didn't know either. So, I looked them up, and I read the definitions to my husband. Of course, just mentioning these topics caused a cloud to send barely visible shadows across his face, but I certainly felt the room drop in temperature a 10th of a degree. I'm perceptive to his mood shifts, and the mere mention of polyamory sent the corners of his mouth downward a bit.

See, Mr. D is likely polyamorous. I, however, am not.

Now, I don't know as much as I probably should about polyamory. But, years ago, when Mr. D expressed an interest and told me that he'd like to date another woman, I figured I had better educate myself.

(Side note: Mr. D's parents were in a poly relationship for years. I knew this when I started dating him. I did not, however, know that he was interested in polyamory for himself until well into our marriage. I'm not sure he did, either. We all change and evolve. And I think some of our problems with sexual compatibility gave him the idea to fulfill his needs in ways that he felt would not require much from me, other than acceptance. He wanted to explore domination in a much deeper way than I was ready for, so he wanted to have a sub who was separate from our relationship. But, because of the kind of guy he is, he knew this would likely turn into a romantic relationship, as well. He was open to that. It terrified the hell out of me. Eventually, it fell apart, in epic fashion. A story for another day...)

(Side note 2: Mr. D is a bit socially awkward...but he's never awkward in the bedroom. He has quite a bit of sexual power and prowess and knows how to please a woman. I think that makes him feel confident. Because he doesn't have many friends that he hangs out with, I think polyamory would also be a way to build a relationship with someone other than me. As it stands, he relies on me to be everything to him, which is part of what depresses him. I can't be everything. And I don't like everything he likes. This leaves him feeling lonely. But honestly, he's sort of an odd duck - which is what I love about it him. It does make it hard for him to make friends, though. I'm an odd duck, too, which is why we fit together so well. But, expecting one person to be friend, lover, partner, etc. isn't fair. I think if he had friends to go do stuff with - away from me, he'd be happier and more fulfilled. I also think he'd be happier if he worked out and did more to curb his depression. But, of course, I have no control over that. I don't feel that polyamory is going to fix his situation, but it will likely make him feel more confident, less bored, and more worthy.)

I've read several books (mainly memoirs to help me understand who and what and where and why and how this works for people). Theoretically, it would work for us. Except...that I'm not polyamorous. Nor do I ever want to be. And it kind of aggravates me when people ask me why or try to convince me that, if I'd just relax and come to terms with my jealousy issues I'd realize that...I'm wrong. About everything.

You see, after many conversations, several films, TV shows, and book, and much searching on the internets, I have come to believe that a large portion of our society not only believes that monogamy is dead (or dying), but that it also goes against human nature. And don't get me wrong...many of the arguments against it are valid. But, I also worry that, like so much else in modern society, relationships have become "throw-away" commodities. It's a huge can of worms, and I'm not trying to start a riot, but I think there are benefits to monogamy. Just as there are benefits to polyamory.

Maybe I'm just sensitive, but it feels like being "vanilla" is no longer acceptable. I feel that I'm being told (by media and the blogging world) that if I'm not kinky or poly I'm just not open-minded enough. And if I'd just open my mind more and relax, I'd see that all of us are just trying to fit ourselves into some socially constructed box...and none of us could possibly devote ourselves to one person for life and be happy.

Accept that...some of us can...and want to. Even if it's just because that is the way we were raised. I don't feel like I should always have to explain WHY I want something. Why can't it just be because I like it? Except...I'll be honest...I don't really like my marriage the way it is. I like the concept of monogamy...the ideal. I'd like it if I weren't the only one in my marriage who wanted it.

Maybe it's simply having the option that caused our problems. Like a Chinese menu with too many possibilities, if we'd just kept Pandora's Box closed...

If we'd just...

If...

Sorry for the rather stream-of-consciousness post. I'm not sure exactly how to write about this. I feel that monogamy gets a bad reputation. And I feel that, like the prudish girl with glasses who sits alone at lunch with a book, it can be a lot deeper and expansive than one might think. Maybe it's just the world I live and write in that makes me feel that monogamy us under attack. And maybe I'm taking things too personally. But, I get a lot of advice that sounds much like "just let him have a girlfriend, and you'll be happier" or "go your separate ways and find people who want what you want" or "if you got a boyfriend of your own, you'd see what all the fuss was about."

I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want him to have a girlfriend. And I don't want us to go our separate ways.

He would love for me to have a boyfriend. He would love to have a girlfriend. Does that make him a better person? Because I sort of feel like that's what people are telling me: he's so much more selfless because he wants me to be happy, polyamory is social evolution, and I'm a selfish bitch because I'm controlling and jealous and unwilling to let him be free in our marriage.

(If you love something, set it free...)

It'd be one thing, if all of these things had been discussed before we got married. But they weren't. Not openly. Sure there were probably a few veiled suggestions, but nothing like, "So, hey, when and if we get married, this is what I want it to be like..."

I get that we change. And I understand that this is now where we are. I'm just not sure how to adapt, because let's be honest...if anyone is adapting, it's me. He won't adapt; he'll martyr himself and make sure I'm aware that he is martyring himself. He won't be shitty about it...rub it in my face. But I'll know that he's unhappy and that he is choosing to be unhappy to stay in our marriage, because he...like me...is unwilling to give it up. There is too much that is good about us, despite my complaints. I probably don't write enough about what is good, which leads readers to think, What the fuck...why don't they just go their separate ways...they're both unhappy?

My gut says that I have no choice but to leave or let him be free in our marriage. And neither of those options make me feel good.

And btw...I'm sure I've managed to offend someone here...either with my ignorance or with my dissatisfaction. It's not my intention to judge anyone else's relationship. I've had so many people over the years tell me just to drink the Koolaid and I'll be happier. Maybe that's true. I know I've certainly tried to make my brain and heart accept another person into our mix, if only to make him happier. And maybe that is the best solution. Something...or someone...is going to have to give.

Some interesting resources:

Wide Open (memoir) - I read this one a long time ago...but it was interesting, and I'd suggest it for anyone interested in exploring a poly relationship.

NPR - Polyamorous Polysaturation - sort of gets at the phenomenon I see happening in the media right now...

Monogamy is Dead - not a book I've read...but one I am interested in reading...

Monogamy exists in nature - not a real long list, but it goes to show that, just like everything else, there is something in nature that substantiates it as "normal"...or at least not "odd" or "wrong"...

Sex at Dawn (book) - I have a love/hate relationship with this book. It's well-written and interesting, but...

Areola (photography)

2018-02-11T12:58:00.001-08:00

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color)

Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body
Belly
Back Roll
Inner Thigh
Areola

Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body

Feb. 22-28 - black and white

I have large, amoeba-like areolas (or is that areoli?). It didn't used to be that way, before childbirth. And when I'm turned on, they firm up, tighten, and darken to pleasing shade of creamy rose. Most days, however, they are soft, and splotchy, and unimpressive. Maybe that is just because I look at them every day, and see every hair, pimple, bump, and imperfection. In photos, they don't look half bad...gravity pulls my breasts into a pleasing tear-drop shape, and the nipples happily continue to respond to various stimuli. I don't hate my breasts. In fact, I quite adore them. But...they could behave better. For example, I have ridiculously sensitive nipples (especially the right one). It drives my husband mad, because trying to play with them or suckle them usually leads me into fits of giggles that are less than sexy and certainly not conducive to steamy sex. I've thought about piercing them (or at least the right one) in an attempt to dull the sensitivity, but I'm afraid I would literally skyrocket out of the chair and cause a scene as soon as the piercing gun grabbed hold.

Top 3 of the Week

2018-02-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

I'm late this week, but I'd rather be late than skip it again. I think promoting the work of others (especially in this naughty corner of the internet) is important.

1. Masturbation Monday

Three very different pieces grabbed me for three very different reasons this week.

One: Cimmerian Sentiment's "Seducing Mr. Miller" was a thoughtful little story about a younger woman seducing an older man and uncovering her own sexual power in the process. I wish I'd been that brazen as a young woman, sometimes. Hell, I wish I could be that brazen now, on occasion. Mostly, as is usually the case, what I liked most about this piece is the character development. I'd like to see this story continue, and I'd like to know more about Mr. Miller's own internal workings. I think character motivation is fascinating. What made him follow her so easily? And what will he think about her rules? Is this the birth of a dominatrix?

Two: What I loved most about Nicci Haydon's "Fiery Heat" was the youthful innocence and sweetness. It isn't easy to make a reader care about your characters so quickly, so I would say Haydon has a rare talent there. I'm happily anticipating the next installment of this very short glimpse into this young male character's mind.

Three: Jerusalem Mortimer's "Swinging" was also a character-driven story (can you tell what I like?). And another "part 1" to a series of stories I hope to see. This one is an interesting take on the threesome.

I was drawn to young characters this week, character development, description, internal dialogue, and newness. All of the characters were setting out to try new things or be with new people. That feeling of being on the cusp of something unknown and exciting and tentative. I must be craving that myself. I think, though, because of the draw to these fascinating young characters, I was also feeling a bit nostalgic. All the things that could have been and weren't. All the things that were, and why.

Bonus for this meme: Kayla Lord's "A Wank and a Spank." I'm fondly jealous of what these two have. And I love how they both write about it. Their openness and lack of judgement invites me right on in through their bedroom door. I'm not drawn to pain, but I could totally identify with Kayla's intense need for release here.

2. Wicked Wednesday

(I was pleasantly surprised to be chosen as one of the previous week's top 3 by Girl on the Net - see the poem here: "Chemistry".)

One: "Kinky Boots" by A to sub-B

Two: "Ghosts" by Exposing 40

Three: "Chasing Rainbows" by Molly Moore

For Wicked Wednesday this week, I was drawn to images and the stories that go with them. All of these were short and impactful little vignettes that stayed with me like subtle hauntings.

3. Sinful Sunday

My favorite images this week were -

"No Tell Lover" by Sassy Cat

"Big Girl Socks" by Submissy

"Spaces Between the Threads" by The Other Livvy

I liked the simplicity and focus in all of these images.

Don't forget about voting in round one of the Smut Marathon.

And check out all the amazing photography in the February Photofest.

Blue

2018-02-10T20:50:00.000-08:00

Picasso, 1902 "Blue Nude"

So last night when we went to bed, Mr. D told me to turn on the lamp and roll over on my belly. He handcuffed and blindfolded me and began rummaging through the toy drawer (which is currently nearly empty). I was excited and happy that he was trying something new...well, not necessarily new, but different from the current status quo. It felt good for him to take control of me.

I heard the tell-tale sound my trusty blue vibrating dildo and welcomed its touch between my legs. I spread my legs and pressed my face into my pillow, pushing against the buzz with my clit. He laid it on the bed where I could move against it on my own, and he rummaged again. He spread my ass cheeks apart and dabbed a bit of lube, which made me expect anal, but instead, he inserted something small and cool. It began to vibrate, and the sensation of the two vibrations was intoxicating.

But, suddenly, there was a subtle, growing, unpleasant tightening inside, as my sphincter began to close around the vibration. The feeling intensified, and if felt as if I were being shocked from the inside.

"Are you shocking my asshole?" I asked, incredulously.

And it stopped.

"I'm sorry," he said.

He grabbed the vibrator from between my legs and shut it off. And then he unlocked the cuffs. I pushed the blindfold aside and looked at him. His face showed visible hurt. Rejection.

And yet, I hadn't rejected anything. I has simply asked a question...to help clarify what I was feeling. I had never been shocked before. And I didn't like the feeling at all.

What came out, in the conversation afterward was that he wanted me to trust him and that he felt that the way I reacted showed a lack of trust. I tried to explain that my trusting him wouldn't make me like the things he did to me. He then explained that he didn't know what he could or couldn't do...what I would welcome and what I would hate.

I fell asleep frustrated and bewildered. I'd enjoyed everything up to the anal shocking. I was happy that he was taking control again. But it blew up and fell apart with just a few of my words. My intonation, apparently...that came out painted in sounds judgement. I guess if you are insecure or wary, everything can feel like an attack.

But, I explained that I worried it meant I could never really say how I felt without fear of hurting him or being misunderstood. Our history is always between us.

Today, he spent the majority of the day in the garage. And I watched a movie and spun downward.

Some days are just like that...blue. I hold it together for weeks at a time, months even. And then bang, like the crack of a shotgun in the night, the monster comes to call. It starts with a heaviness in the chest, and it sucks at my energy, leaving me heady and weak, like I'm dragging my own bloodless body away from a lost battle.

Depression is a black haze that makes a perfectly good day uninhabitable. So, I just go to bed and hope to wake up to a better view. Sometimes, I have to try it a few times, but I've always been good at getting through days when I have to.

I'll be better tomorrow.

I think.

Inner Thigh (photography)

2018-02-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color)

Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body
Belly
Back Roll
Inner Thigh

Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body

Feb. 22-28 - black and white

I've had a contentious relationship with my inner thighs. They've made it difficult for me to manage shorts (since they rub together and cause the fabric to wad up unattractively). They've also led to my insecurity about wearing thigh high stockings. I always feel like I have these great lumps of skin that sort of sit like a wad of dough and spill out over the edges of the elastic. And they've forced me to wear slip shorts (to keep from chafing) when I wear skirts and dresses. Even at my thinnest, my thighs have rubbed together. It's just my body type. I know that. But, I wish they were smoother...and more toned.

Back Roll (photography)

2018-02-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color)

Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body
Belly
Back Roll
Inner Thigh

Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body

Feb. 22-28 - black and white

Okay, I thought about it...coming up with things I don't like about my body is refreshingly difficult. Yesterday, it was the belly. Today...it's the back roll, which is exacerbated by a bra. But hey...I'm workin' on it.

I also like this shot because I went with the granny panties. This is some real shit here. You can see my cellulite. My lumpy ass.

Yep...that's me.

For reals.

Establishing routines (Fitness Friday)

2018-02-09T05:41:00.000-08:00

This week wasn't too bad in the "setting a habit" department." I'm still not hydrating enough. I've got to find better was to make myself drink more water during the day, because I know it helps with focus, weight loss, digestions, and pretty much everything else.

Last Friday, I weighed in at 194.5 lbs. I know that weight isn't the best measure of progress, because when adding muscle, most of us gain weight (at least at first). And when toning, we often don't lose pounds, we lose inches. I'm cognizant of that, but I'm still weighing. This week, I'm ending at 198 lbs. FUCK!

Here's a run down of my week:

Last Saturday, I finally committed and signed up for 10K that takes place in June. I also planned out a training schedule for next 15 weeks to help me accomplish this. We have a pretty well-known half and full marathon that take place here every year, and I had initially planned to sign up for the half. I've actually walked/run it before (3 times), but I want to run the whole thing. So, I figure a lofty, but more realistic, goal was the 10k this year and the half next year.

Sunday, I completed Day 3 of my 5K training (week 1 training exercises DONE!). I am having to wrap my knees at this point. I've always had outspoken knees, but I've gone to the doctor and had them x-rayed, and there is nothing physically wrong with them. I have a tiny bit of arthritis beginning, but not enough to say I can't or shouldn't be running. Mostly, I think it is caused by inactivity, my weight, and my novice gait. I am going to buy some runners' tape and compression socks to see if those help. I am still mostly walking during my training. It includes a 10 minute warm-up and then walk/run drills, followed by 10 minutes of free-form (run or walk as comfortable). I managed 2 minute-and-a-half runs during the free-form and walked the rest of the time.

Monday, I started over with Metabolic Aftershock, just to get some quick strength training in. It isn't my focus (the cardio is), but I realize that being stronger will make losing weight easier and will make running easier.

Tuesday, I completed Day 4 of my 5K training on Tuesday. During the free-form time, I completed 3 minute-and-a-half runs and had no shin splints! I still had to stop often and stretch my calves and hamstrings. I do stretch before and after I train, but my calves and hamstrings tend to sort of seize up periodically.

Wednesday, I did another Metabolic Aftershock, workout. I weighed in at 197+. WTF? I was a little pissed. I may have to stay off the scale, as it sort takes a swing at my motivation when I see I'm "making no progress." I know better than that, but the numbers glare at me and judge.

Thursday: Day 5 of 5K training on Thursday. DID. NOT. WANT. to get out of bed. I managed two 2-minute-runs during free-form and had no shin splints. I made it my furthest distance - 1.82 miles/32 minutes (turtle slow, I know). I also did Yoga after work.

At this point in the week, I was feeling pretty worn out and drained.

Friday: I'm tired. And unmotivated. So, I opted to push my Metabolic Aftershock to Sunday and use it as a pre-run workout. Saturday will be my rest day (every week). And I'll complete my last run of the week Sunday.

I'll say that working out at 5 in the morning is hard, but I like having it out of the way. It's harder to motivate myself to workout after work, but working out in the morning leads to me feeling more tired at the end of the day. That makes going to bed at a reasonable time is easier. However, it IS cutting into my "husband time." And I think it's taking a toll there. When I am beat and ready to go to bed at 8:30 or 9:00, it leaves us less than an hour of adult time. I'm also not feeling energetic enough to want sex. So there's that.

I'd love to have enough time in a day to actually sleep 8 hours AND work out in the evenings while still writing and keeping up with all my relationships. But, I've yet to find a way, other than simply not working. And that isn't an option.

Belly (photography)

2018-02-08T20:44:00.001-08:00

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color)

Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body

Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body

Feb. 22-28 - black and white

My mom belly is definitely the thing I dislike most about my body. I had a c-section, so the scar is low, right about the pubic hair line, and it creates a sort of shelf that my belly hangs over. Even before I gained the extra pounds I am carrying now, that sagging flab has been there. I've run and done crunches, and nothing seems to impact it. I've even thought of plastic surgery to get rid of it...cool sculpting...a tummy tuck...anything.

I miss my pre-baby flat tummy.

Interestingly, this is a part of my body that my husband has latched onto, literally. To him, it represents what I have created, and what I have given him and my son. That belly was earned. It's what made me a mom. And that's sexy, because it's strong and natural and feminine.

I can't convince myself of that. But it's a nice thought.

Maybe someday I'll either embrace it...or lose it.

I changed the filter on this one to the left, so you can see the stretch marks that add to the reason I dislike this part of my body so much.

Don't get me wrong, it was worth it, of course. I'd trade pretty much any part of my body for my child...but in a perfect world, this sucker would be flat and smooth and stretch-mark free.

Brigit Writes

The Wife Coach - part 2 "The Reply"

The Wife Coach - part 2 "The Reply"

Focus on the Shoes (photography)

Sunlight (Final February PhotoFest 2018)

Girl in a Dress (photography)

I need a stiff drink... (photography)

Morning Light (photography)

Looking Down (photography)

Fitness Friday

Bent (photography)

Naked: a softening perspective (photography)

Reading in Bed (photography)

Garters & Thigh Highs (photography)

The Wife Coach - part 1 "The Ad"

Triptych: February Photofest 2018 x3 (I am really sucking at keeping up with this!)

Offering (photography)

Valentine (photography)

February Photofest 2018 x 2 (since I didn't have it in me last night)

Monogamy

Areola (photography)

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color) Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body Belly Back Roll Inner Thigh Areola Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body Feb. 22-28 - black and white

Top 3 of the Week

Blue

Inner Thigh (photography)

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color) Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body Belly Back Roll Inner Thigh Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body Feb. 22-28 - black and white

Back Roll (photography)

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color) Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my bodyBellyBack RollInner Thigh Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body Feb. 22-28 - black and white

Establishing routines (Fitness Friday)

Belly (photography)

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color) Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body Feb. 22-28 - black and white

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color)

Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body
Belly
Back Roll
Inner Thigh
Areola

Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body

Feb. 22-28 - black and white

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color)

Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body
Belly
Back Roll
Inner Thigh

Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body

Feb. 22-28 - black and white

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color)

Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body
Belly
Back Roll
Inner Thigh

Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body

Feb. 22-28 - black and white

Feb. 1-7 - fun with photo filters (color)

Feb. 8-14 - things I don't like about my body

Feb. 15-21 - things I love about my body

Feb. 22-28 - black and white