Brilliant Sulk http://www.brilliantsulk.com All the rage Mon, 19 Mar 2012 01:09:46 +0000 en hourly 1 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/BrilliantSulkhttp://feedburner.google.com An Open Letter To My Cat. Again http://www.brilliantsulk.com/2012/03/an-open-letter-to-my-cat-again.html http://www.brilliantsulk.com/2012/03/an-open-letter-to-my-cat-again.html#comments Sun, 18 Mar 2012 23:07:59 +0000 Amanda http://www.brilliantsulk.com/?p=3482 Kiwi turns eight soon, it’s amazing how time flies and how often I forget to feed her because once you have kids the animals just …]]>


Kiwi turns eight soon, it’s amazing how time flies and how often I forget to feed her because once you have kids the animals just don’t matter much anymore. I’m sort of kidding. I originally wrote this a couple of years ago but it’s still somehow quite relevant…

Dear Kiwi,

I know you’ll read this because the minute I go to bed tonight I’ll be able to see the light from my computer glowing beneath the bedroom door. Then, tomorrow morning I’ll wake up to find cigarette ashes and stale remnants of your “Happy Kitty Fishy Treats” on the keyboard. And thanks to you, my blog will have a few nasty comments that I must delete before anyone discovers them.

I hate to bring some of our personal “issues” into a public medium like this but you’ve left me no choice. Whenever I try to have a conversation with you, you either turn your tail up  at me (thanks for that super view by the way) pretend you’re asleep, or make yourself a cocktail. You are not a happy drunk.
So, since I have your undivided attention this very moment, there are a few things I must mention…
When we adopted you from the shelter at the tender age of 3 months you had a terrible lung infection. We nursed you back to health with M&M’s, The New York Times Home & Garden section and lots of episodes of the “The Real World.” You were sweet. Then your sister Truffle came into the picture. A poor, hungry, sad stray cat living in our drafty garage who needed a home. Things have never been the same – you’re a different kitty…
I’m all for exploring your sexuality. This is San Francisco after all, but must you do it on my bed? While I’m in it? Bringing home every single stray lesbian cat this side of Pacific Heights is getting really old. Plus I’m tired of washing sheets every day. I feel that you have underlying emotional issues that we can deal with in cat therapy.
Your tattoos. TOO MANY. I’m banning you from from the “Tats for Cats” tattoo parlor.
Your wardrobe requests are getting a little over the top. I can no longer provide you with silk pajamas since you have the terrible habit of falling asleep with a cigar in your mouth, thus burning a hole in them.
You’ve gained a bit of weight lately. I’m not sure fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches and duck fat popsicles are the best meal choices for you. You’re not Elvis. I’ve prepared a nice salad for you, it’s in the fridge.
Your credit card bills are out of control. Who needs 735 boxes of paper clips and every Devo record ever made?
So, in conclusion Kiwi, you’re a bit of a nuisance. I suggest you get your shit together because I have my eye on a cute little tabby with big blue eyes at the shelter….

 

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