Below is a video of how you need to act right now, hard times.

Tom Cruise, most known for being heterosexual and kidnapping Katie Holmes, was murdered today when a reanimated L. Ron Hubbard bashed him repeatedly over the head with a replica Oscar Cruise had fashioned for himself out of Holmes’s bra wires.

Hubbard publicly justified his actions by suggesting Cruise was a Christ-like figure and he had lived out his destiny. Sources close to Hubbard, however, complained Cruise had twisted Scientology’s teachings by implying it was secret club for repressed homosexuals who wanted their dates assassinated and disposed of immediately after coitus. Some say Cruise was misunderstood, but no, he wasn’t.

Image: photo by Alan Light

It is a good laugh trying to say these with mates, but if you are going to bet your buddies some money on them make sure you practice them first

5 Naughty Tongue Twisters!

• Tim, the thin twin tinsmith
• Old oily Ollie oils old oily autos
• Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup
• Sarah saw a shot-silk sash shop full of shot-silk sashes as the sunshine shone on the side of the shot-silk sash shop
• A bloke’s back bike brake block broke

Get Them All?
They are hard as fook I know! And remember you can’t just say them once, they need to be said 5 times as fast as you can! Enjoy….

Britney Spears, who was ejaculated into the face of the public’s consciousness when she was sixteen years of age, legal in the UK, illegal in the US but definitely worth it, died by her own hand today after suffering a karate chop depression.

She was devastated because public opinion had sidled up to Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens, blew in their ear, sniffed their hair, and dropped aggressively soothing pills into their Alco-pops.

However, to many middle-aged male primary teachers with candy floss stuck in their beards and wanted posters across Thailand, Britney died when she hit her teens.

Image credit: EuPaparazzi.

These are adult themed so if you are easily offended, you better leave now!

There was a young man from Kildare,
Who was having his girl on the stair,
On the forty-fourth stroke,
The banister broke,
And he finished her off in mid-air!

There was a young girl of Cape Cod,
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But it was not the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
It was Roger the lodger, that sod!

There was a young man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn’t have been,
If his father had seen,
That the end of the rubber was torn.

There was a young chap from out yonder,
Who buggered a big anaconda,
He regretted this crime,
For the rest of his time,
While the reptile grew fonder and fonder.

If you love funny limericks check out the book,would maybe make a nice present as well if you know a real joker.

To fully appreciate how funny it is you will need to have watched the program before. If you haven’t it’s still pretty damn funny!

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Keep the funny pics coming in!

Here is a collection of 9 of the funniest Lee Evans Quotes:

“I like it when the waiter askes you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!”

“Parcelforce! Parcelforce, Parcelforce, Parcelforce, Paaaaarcelforce! We Will Get This Package To You! Fuck Off!”

They are some quality quotes! And to top it off here is a video of the man himself in action.

Image: mikebarry

He wants to test the whole ‘dumb blonde’ reputation and hopefully make some money out of it. “Hey, do you wanna play a game?” he asks. “No thanks, I just want to take a nap.” “Please, it’s easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that I ask you. If you don’t know the answer, then you give me 5 dollars, and if I don’t know the answer to your question, then I’ll give you 5 dollars.”

“I really don’t want to do this. I just want to take a nap.”

“Oh but PLEASE, pretty please. Okay, how about if I don’t know the answer to your question, I’ll give you 500 dollars.” The blonde woman suddenly became interested and decided to play the game.

“Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?” the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a 5 dollar bill. She then asks “What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?”.

The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches the internet for an answer. Totally flustered & confused, he runs out of time and hands the blonde 500 dollars.

After a few hours, the young man was desperate to know the answer to the question. “PLEASE, what was the answer to your question?” the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a 5 dollar bill.

Thanks for the original story: onlyfunnystories. Image: adjourned/flickr

How cool would it be to own a bird like that!

Credit: aasg/flickr

Credit: aasg/flickr

Credit: aasg/flickr

Credit: aasg/flickr

Credit: aasg/flickr

If you have any more funny pictures you can send them into us and we will get them live on the website! Don’t forget to check out other great images like this in our Captions category.

One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner with him at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and deep down in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper.

When the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional, she was the housekeeper & cook and that was that. A week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, “Father, ever since your new assistant came over for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle we have. You don’t suppose he took it, do you?” The priest said, “Well, I doubt it but I’ll write him a letter anyway.”

So he sat down and wrote the letter as follows: ‘Dear Father, I’m not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I’m not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.’

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: ‘Dear Father priest, I’m not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle!!’

I will leave you to conclude your own moral of that story

Source: funs. Image: ex_magician

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And don’t forget about the Kung Fu baby as well!

Jimmy, much like Jack Dee, has quite a dark sense of humor, of which some people hate, but many more love! Here is a collection of some of his funniest quotes.

10 Very Funny Jimmy Carr Jokes
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a proper present. “Happy birthday, mum!”.

Remember, A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.

For more on Jimmy Carr check out his official website, or just turn on the TV – he’s normally on Dave, or Challenge TV or Channel 4 or somewhere!

Image: blahflowers