Andrew W.K would refer to this place as his home away from home. I’ve been to many pseudo-dive bars but Williamsburg, Brooklyn’s Trash Bar is the epitome of a dive bar. The walls are decorated in indie rock band stickers, standard definition televisions hang above the bar and Christmas lights keep the bar lit. Even the vintage car seats have seen better days. The stains that have consumed them over the years read like scars from soldiers exchanging war stories of the many weekend battles that they have faced over the years. It’s fucking awesome.

Not only a bar, this place doubles as a live music venue, with a small room in the back. If you’re not in the mood for live music, well then, step up to play a game of pool. After the bands finish playing on Fridays and Saturdays, you can opt to participate as a competitor in their Kings of Karaoke event. Wednesday’s ” Fuckin’ Trash Bar Trivia” night is also available for the drunk smart-ass. They heavily advertise their Rolling Rock/PBR & shot deal for $5. They also offer a Bad-Ass Margarita for $5. They offer a few draft options like Guiness, Blue Moon and whatnot.

I definitely recommend The Trash Bar for a laid-back night with no expectations. You know what they say: “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.”

The Trash Bar
Everyday 5pm-4am
$5 PBR/Rolling Rock & Shot Combo and $5 Bad Ass Margarita
256 Grand St (between Driggs Ave & Roebling St)
[Williamsburg]

Photo Credit: yelp.com

Hey guys! It’s Monday, and that totally sucks, but guess what? That also means it’s time for the next segment of the Scumbag’s Guide to Portland, which, depending on how you feel about it, might not totally suck that much. This week covers the letters G through L, so tune in, turn on, and drop out.

The Goodwill Bins – Sift through pure vintage, straight from the source. They’ll charge you by the pound. This is a great place to help keep your Etsy shop stocked, you know, the one you keep telling yourself you’ll open when you’re sober, because when people ask what you’re doing with your life, saying, “I am working on opening my online boutique!” is a totally acceptable answer? There’s rad stuff here if you take the time, so be prepared to find shit like original DEVO tour shirts, and board games like Mouse Trap that have all the pieces, but then also be prepared to find your friend’s dead grandmother’s dentures. And take a Xanax or something beforehand because the crowd is cut throat.

HONORABLE MENTION: Ground Kontrol –  A bar? In a classic arcade? When I heard about this I was like ‘Well that’s it for me, jerks, I’ll be hanging around here from now on until forever,’ because I couldn’t imagine a better place to decay. Me and booze, and my homies Pacman, Zelda, and Tetris. Just kickin’ it. And losing. Over and over and over. SIGH.

House of Vintage –  This was one of the first places in Portland that I had the privilege of getting lost in, and I have been madly in love with it ever since. Lots of my home furnishing came from their reasonably priced, adorably over-stacked rooms that are just bulging with weird kitschy knick-knacks that will (finally, this time, totally, I promise) complete you as a person and repair your damaged childhood.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Holman’s Restaurant  – the first time I came here I was with my shitty ex-boyfriend and some chick had a seizure. It got better, though. The food consists of really great fried things, and they have an awesome patio where we like to giggle and cause trouble.

Me and Stephanie, totally enjoying the totally enjoyable atmostphere at Holman’s

Heart –  Favorite coffee in Portland (seriously STFU about Stumptown. It’s fine, and then that’s about it.) and it will relieve your hangover so fast that you will drop your keys in disbelief. Plus it’s on Burnside (refer to the B’s) plus it’s by Screen Door, which is important if you are one of those people that decides to waste four hours of your Saturday waiting in line for something you could get just as good somewhere else, because of some really sparkling Yelp reviews. Also, definitely take a stroll over to Hungry Tiger Too, especially in the summer – day drink and brunch your life away.

Imperial Tattoo –  Real scumbags know to mark themselves up so that everyone knows to just back-off. I love Imperial. Everyone that works here is great. My favorite is Manee Friday because he is nice and professional and has a light hand and he hasn’t even beat me up once for being annoying and not knowing what I want. They do specials sometimes, like for Friday the 13th or Halloween or whatever but you have to check with the website, or Manee’s Facebook page.

This is Robert the Robot. Manee Friday made him.

The Jupiter Hotel –  If you’re a foxy Portland scumbag you have probably blacked out here and woken up next to a popular band member who’s name probably escapes you. It is where lots of good bands stay and play. It is also home to the Doug Fir Lounge where you can take your one-night stand and stiff em for the brunch check, cuz who cares? Don’t their managers or whatever pay anyway?

The Know - Originally I forgot about this and didn’t have anything for K because the K is silent and I’m not that sharp on Mondays. The Know is an epicenter of PDX metal and fun and failures. It’s where I spent last summer, for the most part. And it’s on Alberta. And it’s right across the street from The Alleyway. And there are PINBALL MACHINES. And it’s great, so just go and drink the pain of existence away, ok?

Langano Lounge –  Whether you’re on day three of a bender, dodging your ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend, or you ‘just want to find a dark place to get drunk by yourself at 2 pm for no reason, goddamnit,’ Langano is the place for you. This basement dive will shove strong, cheap drinks in your face, and boasts one of the loneliest atmospheres in Portland. BYOFriends, man. If you aren’t a regular, the look you’ll get from everyone will be similar to the look you got from your 8th grade math teacher when you forgot your homework for like the fifth day in a row.  And there’s always some dude in the corner playing an acoustic guitar. He won’t like you either, though. Even if you buy his mixtape or whatever. If you’re a normal person (HEY! Why are you reading this guide? Go pick up a copy of Fromer’s or something) you won’t understand the appeal of this place. If you’ve ever knowingly chosen several Tom Wait’s songs on a jukebox in one evening, however, then welcome home.

Lurking into the darkness of Langano.

UpOut presents “Broke & Classy: Broke-Ass Stuart’s 10 year Anniversary of Living in San Francisco“. Just because you’re young, broke and beautiful doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be able to put on your nicest duds and have a spectacular night on the town. When was the last time you spent just $3 to see some of the best musical acts in the Bay, fight cancer, drink free booze and slurp free oysters? That’s what we thought. UpOut, Level 4,  and Broke-Ass Stuart invite you to come celebrate Stuart’s 10th year anniversary with them. Why? Because we’re throwing a party worth waiting 10 years for. Be sure to dress up and be ready to get down. Broke and Classy will be better than New Years, your birthday and Chrismukkah combined.

You MUST RSVP by clicking “Want” on UpOut’s site here.

And this is a classy affair, so please DRESS UP. 

Lineup 

Judgement Day – Bad-ass instrumental “string metal” band from Oakland.
Birds & Batteries – A celebrated mainstay of the SF indierock scene
Rach W – An awesome up and coming local singer/songwriter
Hard French’s DJ Carnita – One of the DJs from SF’s Best Soul Dance Party

Food & Drink 

Sponsored fancy drinks (Negronis) by Campari for the first hour.
FREE Oysters by WoodHouse Fish Co. while supplies last.
30 free gourmet dogs by Dojo Dogs (first come first serve)
Dojo Dogs + Creme Brulee Cart Outside

Photobooth by Snap Fiesta

FB invite here.

Public Works
Thursday, May 17th
8pm-2am
161 Erie St.
[The Mission]

$3 cover
*partial proceeds will go to Slap Cancer
{Raising money to fight blood cancer}
21+

Wanna be a Broke-Ass of the Week? Holler at us here and we’ll send you the questionnaire.

This week we shine a spotlight on Alexandra Naughton, a lovely SF broke-ass who hangs out with Elks, bumps Wu-Tang, loves the Gold Dust Lounge and references Freaks and Geeks. She was also super sweet and said this at the end of her email: “Thank you for the feature! I’m proud to be a frugal Broke Ass ” Let’s see what kind of insight she can share with us today:

Name: Alexandra Naughton, but you might have seen me on the net as theTsaritsa.

Age: 26 going on 27, which is crazy to me because I still think of myself as being a little kid.

Occupation: I’m an office manager for the San Francisco Elk’s Lodge (the oldest continuous Lodge in the country) by day, but by night I write a blog called The Tsaritsa Sez, as well as work on my own hip-hop music.

What are you listening to these days?: Jean Grae, old Marilyn Manson, and Wu-Tang Clan. Forever.

What neighborhood do you live in?: The Panhandle.

Best money saving tip: Make your own coffee at home, and bring a lunchbox to work.

What do you refuse to spend money on: Bus fare and movie tickets. Instead I walk and have a Netflix subscription.

Most expensive thing you’ve ever bought: A new bed from Ikea.

How’d that feel?: I had to apply for an Ikea credit card, because I didn’t have a credit card at the time, and didn’t have nine hundred dollars plus tax on hand. It took me two months to pay it off, but I did it.

Favorite cheap eat: I cook at home a lot, but I will enjoy a French dip sandwich at Grubstake.

Favorite dive bar: The Gold Dust Lounge. (Save the Gold Dust, sign the petition!)

Best deal you’ve ever gotten: Designer clothing from Thrift Town. I love that store.

Favorite free thing to do: Lay in the sun at Dolores Park.

If you woke up a millionaire, what’s the first thing you’d buy?: A house in San Francisco, but for that I’d have to be a multi-millionaire.

Despite not having money, do you still love your life?: Yes! I have an awesome boyfriend, a wonderful kitty named Sookie, great friends and a good number of hobbies. I would love to get paid for my passions, but in the meantime I try to make the most out of every day.

Do you own my book?: No, but I follow you on Facebook and regularly read your website!

Best hangover cure: A bottle of Mexican Coca Cola and lots of greasy food.

Are you a hipster?: In the world of Freaks & Geeks, I’d be a geeky freak. I’ve always felt like an outsider, but as I just referenced a TV show that only lasted one season, I guess some would call me a hipster.

Is nursery school for a Broke-Ass Mom?  For over a year now I’ve been telling myself, and anyone else who will listen that nursery school, or preschool, is a big waste of time and money.  I kept asking myself why do people spend thousands of dollars to send their child to a place where they essentially just play all day?  We do that for FREE at our house 24/7.

As soon as I was showing, I had people asking me where we were sending our child to preschool and was he on a wait list yet.  Apparently if your child isn’t on a wait list while still in the womb you might as well kiss college good-bye because everyone knows that without preschool you’re nothing (Yes, there is sarcasm there.) Not knowing any better I went to a preschool just around the corner from us when I was six months pregnant.  I walked in and immediately asked if they could put me on their wait list.  Their response was “Your child has to be at least two before being placed on our wait list.  Please come back and take a tour at a later date.”  Phew.  Now I don’t have to worry about preschool for another two years.

As my son grew older I started to understand the reasons behind preschool less and less.  Therefore last fall I went to a class that talked about preschool and told me why my son should go.  I sat there in a room full of women half with pregnant bellies, and the other half had infants.  I was the only woman in the room that had a two-year-old son.  After the teacher spent an hour convincing us about the benefits of preschool, I raised my hand and said, “So preschool is just to socialize my child?” The room went quiet, the lights flickered, and lightening struck twice somewhere in that moment.  “Well, no, I mean, I guess, you could look at it like that.” I left convinced that I could do anything a preschool could.

But then my son started talking, and with every new word came a greater desire for friends.  To the point that now anytime he’s within earshot of a person less than four feet tall, he will try to strike up a conversation with them.  He is desperate for friends.  So, now I’m back to maybe we should send him to preschool.  I still can’t stomach the idea of a $19,000/year preschool, though.  Here is my Broke-Ass Mom method for affording preschool:

1. Find a co-op.  They can be as little as $3,000/year.  You work one day per week, and attend a few meetings. Not too bad if you or your partner can arrange to work one day a week.
2. Sign your child up for only two or three days a week.  This can be significantly less expensive than a five day per week program.
3. Start your own preschool.  This one is the cheapest but the hardest.  I have heard of parents doing this very successfully though.  If you have a group of like-minded parents, then organize days of the week for all the kids.  You can alternate homes and responsibilities.  I would totally do this if I had enough friends, but alas, I do not.

That’s all the ideas I have so far.  Unfortunately, I don’t think my son will get to go to preschool this coming fall.  We were too late to the preschool party, and now we probably can’t get in anywhere.  But at least we know what we’re looking for next year.  Until then, I’ll have to come up with a way to get my son the friends that he so desperately wants.

Photo by: A good friend

That being said, Google has over 2 million results for “DIY Coasters” and quite a few of them are…not pretty. Fortunately for you, I am a dedicated DIYer and waded through the slew to find several genuinely appealing and creative examples. To start with, you’re going to have to pick a base material, then choose an image or design and you’re off to the races. Most coaster crafts will only require simple supplies like spray adhesive, Mod Podge and scissors, and only a few steps.

Now, most coasters are made from tile – usually ceramic, sometimes marble – and an image. You can find your image almost anywhere: blueprints, maps, wrapping paper, old cookbooks, just try to stay away from anything printed on an ink jet as those tend to get smeary. For a basic coaster, all you’ll need to do is cut your image to size, brush some Mod Podge onto the tile, center your image and press it flat. Seal with an additional light brushing of Mod Podge, then use rubber cement to glue felt to the bottom of the tile. If you’ve got a porous material like marble, you can even use a stamp to make an image. If you’re working with regular tile, you also have the option to paint it over with chalkboard paint to endlessly customize your coasters.

Pretty basic instructions, but it produces diverse results ranging from maps and paint samples, to ticket stubs, bar napkins, scrapbooking paper, magazine pages, online templates, or comic books. Pretty much anything made of paper will do the trick. Even photographs, which are a nice way to personalize them. And don’t be afraid to improvise with whatever is handy; if you don’t have any tile, perhaps you’ve got an unused round lid that can be easily upcycled? Or, maybe you’ve got some cork.

We’ve already talked about how useful cork can be, and it works particularly well in coasters as it relieves you of having to add felt backing. Most of the images that can be added to tile, can just as easily be added to cork. Plus, cork can be painted with decorative patterns or simply numbered. If you’re concerned about warping your images, just seal them with laminate sheets or packing tape before you adhere them to the base. Alternatively, if you’re working with tile, you can seal the coasters with resin (that’s going to require materials, time and strict adherence to instructions).

If you’re a fan of felt, you’re also in luck. Just grab some fabric glue and scissors and you can whip up neat citrus circles, cork and felt combos, and mod square-shaped coasters with just a few snips and some squirts of glue. There are some inspired felt creations out there, as well as some really simple crocheted versions if you’re into yarn. If you’re not, then you can still weave together a coaster from strips of paper which can be sealed with acrylic sealer. And if none of that is working for ya, just lay some lace down and spray paint right on over it.

Images courtesy westermanfam.blogspot.com, smallhomelove.com, modpodgerocksblog.com, mineforthemaking.blogspot.com, purlbee.com and apartmenttherapy.com

Recently, I posted this as my Facebook status:

“My dream life pretty much consists of me sipping margs, reading my horoscope, and petting a dog in my backyard, while wearing a trashy orange bathing suit and listening to the sweet sounds of my wind chime collection jangling in the gentle breeze. Sadly, I don’t think that NYC can support my slutty grandma lifestyle aspirations.”

What can I say?  I’m a simple lady, with simple needs.  While others might seek out fame, riches– or like, actually want to do something meaningful with their lives like save babies or what have you– I just want to listen to a few pieces of colored glass melodically clang together, and lounge around in inappropriately revealing swimwear.  This is my dream, and gosh darn it, it will happen some day!  But it won’t happen right now, because there’s one piece of my dream world puzzle that I can’t control, and just have to wait for– my undoubtable future as a “slutty grandma.”

To be clear, the term “slutty grandma” doesn’t necessarily mean an old lady who likes to spread ‘em (although, I do have much love for the ones who spread ‘em ‘til the end of their days, too).  Rather, slutty grandmas “let it all hang out” in the figurative sense of the phrase.  Patience might be a virtue, but I can hardly wait to do typical slutty grandma things like: make over-the-top remarks about people within earshot, wear far too much statement jewelry, and eat dinner at 5pm every night with no apologies.  Okay, maybe I already do all of these things, but that’s probably why most people think that I am a lunatic, and hide from me when they see me walking down Bedford Ave.  So that’s the great thing about slutty grandmas– they get a pass card.  They can say what they want, wear what they want, and do what they want, as much as they want, and no one can say, “boo.”  This is because you gotta respect your elders and all that jazz.  Slutty grandmas are truly free women, and I can’t wait to be one.  Here’s a list of the things that I will do the minute I hit the tender age of 65:

1) Wear a yellow beret everyday (this will be my signature “look”– very “Beat Poet meets Wacky See’s Candies Employee”).
2) Start my own custom muumuu line for all of my slutty grandma friends and me (mine will feature a spicy chili pepper print with a sultry slit up the side, but you can place orders for your own unique design in the comments).
3) Go on bus trips to Vegas– for the slots, yeah, but mostly for all of the buffet food that I will stuff into my Ziploc-lined purse.
4) Refer to everyone– my grandchildren, my doctor, that guy who’s parked car I just hit– as “dollface.”
5) Take a water aerobics class at the community center… and bat my eyelashes at the distinguished, wizened gent who fills out his Speedo to my liking.
6) Take a ceramics class at the community center… and bat my eyelashes at the distinguished, wizened gent who looks like he really knows how to use those gnarled, arthritic hands of his, wink wink.
7) Despite flirting with every distinguished, wizened gent at my condo compound, I’ll hook up with Orion, the significantly younger, ponytailed teacher’s aide from my dream catcher-making class at the community center.
8 ) So many hideous sweaters.

I don’t know why people are so preoccupied with aging; I personally can’t wait to experiment with wigs, and eat at IHOP unironically.  Perhaps it’s because I come from a long line of badass grandmas myself, and thanks to all of the divorce and remarriage in my family I have a lot of them.  My great-grandma, Midge, is 100 years old, was married multiple times to exotic European men, and has most certainly danced atop a lot of tables during her long life.  My G-ma Connie rocks sweet orange Candies wedges and loads of authentic turquoise jewelry, and does pow-wow dancing (she grew up on an Indian reservation).  My Nonna Amelia exemplified all of the pomp and circumstance of Catholicism in pimped-out, L.L. Cool J-esque Kangol hats, and seriously insane fur coats.  My Grandma Pat is the original hipster, and lives for eating salads, wearing sunglasses, and going to art shows in LA.  If people my age had even a smidgen of the sheer style and “I don’t give a shit-ness” that these ladies have in their seventies and beyond, the world would be a much cooler place.

Indeed, the “I don’t give a shit-ness” of the slutty grandma should serve as inspiration to other old people, womanity, and broke-asses alike.  I hate the fact that old people, particularly women, are expected to become increasingly curmudgeonly and nasty as they age.  It’s like, just because you don’t look babe-a-licious anymore, have an empty nest (or, never had any kids to begin with), and have a fake hip are not reasons to make everyone else’s life miserable!  You know what is babe-a-licious?  Confidence, and enjoying your life, no matter what phase of it you might be in.  Same thing with broke-asses– having a small bank account is absolutely no reason to feel insufficient.  Just own it, make the best of your situation, and be happy with who you are.  In this way, slutty grandmas are the ultimate cool girls– I’d much rather hang with The Golden Girls than the cast of Girls, wouldn’t you?  Same amount of sexy gossip, much less weird insecurities about it.

I might achieve the rest of my dream situation one year from now, ten years from now, or even the next time I go home to California.  But lemme tell you, I won’t stop sipping margaritas and wearing orange bikinis just because people say I should be knitting sweaters and crying about my diverticulitis.  I’ll just knit the sweaters and abstain from eating corn while wearing a teeny orange bikini on my wrinkly bod, you know?   Being a slutty grandma isn’t about age, it’s a way of life.  So, screw being buttoned up, hip, pretty or whatever other category you’re spending way too much time trying to squeeze yourself into– slut it up, and live your life!  Any questions, just ask your elders.

Photo of the inimitable Iris Apfel via: Into the Gloss

The High Line is a pretty great place to hang out and sip a lemonade, pose for photos against some awesome NYC backdrops, and even learn about space from amateur astronomers.  Like a lot of other people, it’s one of my favorite places in the city, which is why I was so jazzed to read that starting today, May 8th, Friends of the High Line will offer a FREE guided tour of the place, every Tuesday at 6:30pm.  Hell yeah, High Line!

Volunteer docents (Which, don’t even get me started on my love of docents– like, you’re gonna become an expert on something and not even get paid for it, just because you love it so much and want to talk about it all day with random strangers?  Marry me, docents!), ahem, volunteer docents will wax poetic about the High Line’s history, design, horticulture, art, and more.  Sounds like a great way to learn more about a place where I already like to scout hotties and eat Goldfish crackers.

More info about the FREE guided tours can be found on the High Line’s website.  My imaginary docent husband and I will see you there tonight, but I won’t promise to share my Goldfish with you.

High Line Guided Tour
Tuesdays, 6:30pm
FREE
The High Line
11th Ave. and West 14th St., NYC
[Meatpacking District]

Photo credit: High Line website