broken, but blessed

Remembering Kade

2011-05-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight the 2011 Kade Daniel Klaassen Memorial Scholarship was presented to a very deserving young man, and while it fills me full of pride and joy that his memory lives on, it is also devastating to be reminded of our loss. It is so bitter sweet that while the scholarship helps someone move forward in their education, it is also a reminder of what our son will never get the chance to do. As a parent, the hopes and dreams you create for your child begin at conception. From the moment I knew Kade existed, I had thoughts and hopes of who he'd be someday, who he'd be. Even after his death, those hopes and dreams linger. It took me a long time to let go of those feelings, to let go of Kade. I spent a lot of time at the cemetery each day in the months following his death...I was in shock. It was like I had to see his stone to convince myself it was all real. For months, I was sad, numb, shocked, and yet in so much pain it hurt to go to bed, hurt to get out of bed, hurt to breathe. I wish I could say it's gotten easier...I guess some days, it is...but most of the time I am just sad and angry. I miss him so much. I hurt for what could have been and I hurt for all Kade is missing out on. He deserved so much more than the short time he had with us. He deserved to have all the things we wished for him and more.

Karsyn has begun to say "Bubba" when we go to the cemetery and Kinsley is very good to explain it all to her. Again, so bitter sweet. It is in those moments that I feel so blessed to have been able to carry Kade to term. Our girls know they have a brother, they will carry on that legacy, they will tell their kids of his life someday. On the days I want to scream at the world for carrying on as if nothings happened, I am reminded of how truly blessed we are. It is that ability to carry on that makes us stronger, that makes us realize that all the petty small stuff is so mundane. It is the moments like Kinsley kissing bubba's stone goodbye that matter...those moments that make me realize this is what life is about. I am thankful for Kade's life, thankful for my time with him, however short. While I am sad, hurt, and broken, I am also so thankful for the moments we were able to hold him, sing to him, and just love him. I will love him all the days of my life and hope that his spirit lives on in those who shared in his life with us.

Survival of the holidays...

2011-01-02T21:10:00.000-08:00

So we made it through another holiday season. For some reason, this year was very hard for me...probably the hardest yet. I just really hit a rough spot in which I was just sad for days and "restless" with emotions the last few weeks. It is unexplainable really...I've just felt really down. Christmas is always a bit hard for me in that I feel an overwhelming sadness when I buy the girls gifts and not shop for Kade. I always end up shopping for tractors for him to lay at this grave. It is that time of year when you do Christmas cards, gift tags, etc and it is so hard for me not to sign Kade's name...I feel so guilty as though I am leaving him out. It is just an overwhelming rush of emotions that hits every time I sign a card or gift tag. I've had people comment that this was brought on ourselves by choosing to carry Kade and I have seriously put myself in the hotseat and thought that through. I disagree. Had we chosen to have an abortion, it would have destroyed me in that I would have spent my entire life wondering "what if" and felt so broken by our decision. This sadness would have been felt no matter what path we took. I can honestly say I have no regrets about carrying Kade to term. It was one of the greatest days of my life just as the birth of our other children was. It just also happened to be the worst/saddest at the same time. I would not change a thing about his time with us given the set circumstances....I would do it all over again if I had the chance to rethink or change our decision.

Sometimes I have to wonder why God placed this heartache on us. The whys and the anger come much more frequently now and to be quite honest, it scares me sometimes how quickly the anger and sadness can arise. I feel as though my faith is really faltering and I find myself struggling more and more. Whoever said "it gets easier with time" is not on my top 10 list right now. I WANT to believe it was all for some great, greater purpose type thing, or that we'll understand it all so clear one day, but I just don't right now. I feel so damn sad and I am just so damn angry. I close my eyes at night and just replay his birth over and over...the immense sadness of the painful silence when he was born....the realization it was all so real. it is like I am just now really grieving, just now really feeling our loss. It seems to be on Kinsley's heart as well as she talks about him a bit more and has been asking some really tough questions. She tells me almost every day that Kade is heaven and that she'll get to see him someday. She even asks me sometimes if we can go today....breaks my heart as I know she has no idea what that really means. I hope someday she understands what Kade's life meant to all of us and that she remembers the joy he brought into our hearts more than the sadness. I don't ever want it to affect her negatively. Someday we'll introduce Karsyn to Kade's resting place as well and show her pictures, tell stories, etc. and I hope she feels a connection to him as Kinsley does.

In all the mess of the sadness, I have to see the complete joy in our beautiful girls. When Kade died, I didn't think I could ever fully enjoy life again, and yet, each day with my girls is a reminder of how thankful I am to have them in my life and how thankful I am for each moment with them. It is unexplainable the joy I felt watching them Christmas morning, how my heart swells with pride as I watch Kinsley take care of her baby sister. It is that huge surge of joy watching them mixed with the sadness of knowing our son is not present for these moments that keep the emotional roller coasting going...it is so hard to feel the ups and downs and still keep functioning each and every day. It wears you out. I think that is what I most want parents who are facing this situation to know .... life does go on...you'll likely want to scream to the world "Don't you know my child has died?? How can you walk down the street, shop, work, etc???" Yet, life DOES move forward...you will feel joy again...you will breathe again....there are days where you'll feel complete sadness and moments when you feel a thousand emotions all at once. It is not easy...it is not something you go through without it completely changing you forever....but once you go through it, you'll likely realize you are stronger than you ever thought possible and that the smallest things in life become valued so much more. The little things that may have bothered you in the past suddenly seem so silly. Everyone will grieve differently and unless you are hurting others, there is no wrong or right way to grieve. I believe in my heart you have to do it your own way and you HAVE to do it. Looking back, I see that I avoided it...I immersed myself in work and now it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I've felt the sadness from day one, but I didn't get angry; I didn't let myself just be sad. I can't stress enough to let yourself feel your loss....I mean feel it to your bones, hit your knees, and feel the loss. The pain will knock the wind out of you and leave you wondering how you'll survive, but when you let yourself truly feel it, you find that you feel better for getting it all out. It sounds crazy, but I want to feel that pain sometimes...it reminds me of where I've been, it reminds me of Kade and what his life means to this family, it reminds me that I have so much love for the child I lost, and it reminds me that I still FEEL. Sometimes that numbness can be very scary and I need to know that I still feel. That raw pain reminds you that you are still part of the living.

I do not have a degree in psychology or do major research on loss, I can only explain my situation and how we've experienced our loss. I can only describe our feelings and our suggestions based on what we've learned. As stated previously, everyone has to do it their own way and you won't know that is until God forbid, you go through it. If you are reading this as part of the anencephaly support group, my thoughts are prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss and may God give you strength as you go through this very tough time. If you stumbled upon this blog in some other manner, I hope you read through it and feel the love in which it was created and cherish each day you are given with those you love....even the ho-hum ordinary ones :)

With a heavy heart...

2010-12-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

So I think I have diagnosed myself as a hesitant blogger....I get so inside my own head that I have to get it out or I am going to go insane. However, I also tread lightly when opening up my complete emotional self to my computer. Totally more of how I complicate even the simplest of things. However complicated I may be, I feel as though I've totally earned that right these last few years.

For Christmas, gifts we took some family pictures and it was actually really nice to see all the kids together. It was also very hard for me and it honestly had not occurred to me that it would be. However, the entire time, I kept thinking in my head "We are missing one...no, these are not all the grand kids...wait, no those are just 3 of the boys, there should be 4." I tried and tried to push those thoughts out of my head, but that night as I lay in bed, it played over and over in my head that our son should have been there. And then came the anger. I notice it creeping up to the surface more and more these days. It swallows me whole and most of the time I don't even see it coming. After Kade died, I poured myself into work. I became a work-a-holic and let that be my obsession and distraction. I am now realizing I never took the time to grieve or let myself feel the other emotions outside of sadness. Now, it has built up so much that I catch myself being angry at the smallest things: tv shows of idiotic parents (ahem....16 and Pregnant??), the news when a story of abused children comes on, and these stories will bother me for the rest of the evening. With a very heavy heart, I must also admit that I have began an internal struggle with how I am so angry with God. I had so much faith and hope through this process and I found so much comfort in His word through our loss. But lately, I don't find that comfort any longer. I feel as though God took everything we believed and broke us completely. I realize we are far from perfect or the poster children for religion...but I also know with everything in me that we are good people. We didn't deserve to lose that security or belief in the world. I don't know what would justify "deserving" to lose a child...I don't mean that. It is so complicated to explain; I guess I just feel so hurt, betrayed, and just plain anger that we lost Kade and that we now live half empty or half broken. I am angry that my girls will not ever know their brother, that they have to try to comprehend his death at such a young age, that Kinsley cries because she misses her brother or because she can't see him. I feel so guilty for feeling angry and then I get angry that I feel guilty for being angry. Some days I just feel sad. Some days are days I spend angry. Most of the time, I am reminding myself of all we have to be so thankful for. In those moments when I watch my girls play or snuggle, I should know God loves us. How can we look at those beautiful babies and have doubts? I know eventually we'll get back to that place of finding peace in the faith we so clung to. It will come. For now though, I have to feel these emotions, feel the grief, and let myself find whatever it is I need to find to bring myself out of this feeling of unsettledness. I am a fighter...that's always been a part of me...and that is what my girls need to see in me. I fight for them. I fight for all the moms out there who feel the pain I feel and wonder how to muddle through it while keeping up with work, family, and life in general. I also have learned I have to fight for myself...no one else can do that for me.

Kinsley has really been inquisitive this week into facts about Kade's death. She has the usual whys, but also the fears of Karsyn going to Heaven, the need for more in depth details, and she has been looking at his picture albums more and more. Sometimes I have to remind myself that she's just 4. She always, and I mean always, says "Hi Bubba" as we pass the cemetery. Usually it followed with "we love you." And I don't do that...she didn't get that or over hear that from me. It touches a place in my heart that nothing else could. In those moments, I am reminded of how proud I am of her and how many lessons I have to learn from her.

Thankful......

2010-11-23T07:01:00.000-08:00

Ah, the beginning of the holiday season. As much as I welcome and enjoy this extra time with my family, it is also a bit hard to put my entire heart into it. While I am extremely thankful for each blessing in our lives, it is hard to fully commit to the whole thankful thing. I'd be lying if I said that I sit around the table and think about all the things I am grateful for. I can't help but find myself thinking "there should be a little boy here" or "we are missing someone." I feel so guilty that I allow myself to fall into that bit of sadness rather than rejoicing in the faces we do have around the table, however, it is just there and falls upon me before I even have a chance to realize it. Our minds are funny things sometimes and the more I experience, the more I think mine follows my heart. When my heart hurts, my thoughts tend to follow. As I watched the girls play at a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, I felt like a part of me was missing, that I just was not fully engaged in the event. I have a hard time explaining the feelings that well up...much less the mixed emotions of what follows when I catch myself being so down. I have been told numerous times to enjoy what "I have," "rejoice in the good," ,etc. and I get it, however, it rarely comes from someone who's experienced what we have. As a mother who has lost a child, I don't think it is possible to fully commit to the holiday season without a bit of sadness or loss....and it's not that I don't appreciate my other children, I truly believe you can do both. You can be sad for what you've lost and you can be joyful for your blessings all in the same breath. In all aspects of my faith, I believe in my heart God understands this. I am confident He knows my heart and knows how I love my children and how I grateful I am for each minute I get to share with them (yes, even those moments when I am hiding in the bathroom looking for just a few seconds of "mom" time)...and that He understands the hurt and feelings of loss I experience when that heartbreak begins to win over. He created us to feel, to sympathize, to care for others, so I have to believe He allows us those emotions when the pain affects our own. I know we'll sit around the table Thursday and share what we are thankful for, with thankful hearts; that Kinsley will say she is thankful for bubba and Karsyn (she always does) and pogo sticks (that is a new on this year) and that that will bring on the tears, but they'll tears shared with a smile in that Kade will be remembered and will be a part of the celebration in our hearts, minds, and souls.

Just Breathe

2010-11-16T13:02:00.000-08:00

I often hear people say "Time heals all wounds" and I truly wish I could agree...however, it is not true for me. I know why people say it and it is meant to make you feel better in a moment of heartache...and I guess in some situations it does heal some wounds. For a parent who has lost a child, however, I don't think that is ever true. It is like a lingering hole that nothing can satisfy. An emptiness that you feel each day. Does it get easier? Well, define easier. Are there days where I don't have to remind myself to breathe...yes. Are there days that I make it through without a tear...yes. But it is never easier. I still can't say I've had 3 pregnancies, but 2 live births without the tears welling up; I can't say I have 2 children...I always say 3. Not a day goes by that Kade isn't the first and last thing on my mind or watch my girls play and think.."hmm, someone is missing." It just becomes a part of you and a part of your life. Life is now broken down into two time frames: before Kade and after Kade. I am so thankful and realize how blessed we are to have to healthy, vivacious little girls, and I don't EVER take that for granted, but that doesn't make the death of one child any easier. It keeps you going and you realize that you have so much to live and be strong for, but it doesn't make it easier in my opinion.

I had a dream a few weeks ago that I can't shake. I was dreaming that our shop (a much larger version of our shop by the way) had standing water, and I called to Shannon to come look. Ahead of him came 3 beautiful children running in. An older girl, a little boy, and a baby (walking). And then I wake up. I wake to realize those were my kids...Kinsley, Kade as a boy, and Karsyn-just walking instead of crawling. I am lying in bed and hear "Mommy" so I assumed Kinsley was coming to our room (which is very common in the middle of the night). I wait, but no Kinsley. I lay there and hear "Mommy" again and so I go to Kinsley's room and she is OUT...I mean sound asleep. No way was it her (the snoring made it clear she wasn't yelling out anything :)
Karsyn can't say Mommy yet...just mama in two syllables so I went back to bed very disturbed. It was on my mind the rest of the night and throughout the next day. I don't believe in much super natural crap, and I don't put much emphasis into things I can't see/feel, etc. However, the mom in me couldn't help but let myself think it was Kade. Not really a form of Kade there calling out to me, I don't mean that. But maybe a gentle nod from God letting me know he's ok...he's home and he's safe in His arms. I realize to many that will seem like a complete psychotic comment and even Shannon would think I have lost my ever loving mind, but it is things like that that can bring a smile to my heart and if that is what it takes, then I'm ok with letting myself think that way.

Journal Entry: August 30, 2007

2010-11-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

Kade came and went August 18. Weirdest of circumstances, but Weatherford hospital discovered he no longer had a heartbeat on August 17, so we went to the city that night and began to induce labor. They continued to induce labor throughout the night and by the next afternoon, it was time. When the time came to push, I lost it. I cried and cried. Kade came pretty easily....(edit)...No crying, no whaling, it was so heartbreaking! That was the worst minutes of my entire life. It's like a piece of me died too. I buried my head in Shannon's hand and just cried. My little man was so beautiful. He had Kins' face-Shannon's build. He was so long and skinny-exact same feet as Shan. Kade was just a little over 3 lbs. and was almost 16" long...yet he seemed as big as most full term babies. He didn't seem small. He had ten perfect fingers and toes; he was perfect except for his little head. He even had dark hair and little ears that were so adorable. Bless his heart, he gave such a fight. I was so disappointed and heartbroken that I didn't get to meet him alive. I held him most of Saturday and Sunday until we went home. I sang to him and gave him kisses. The time came to leave and that was so hard, leaving him there. It was beyond terrible. I don't have the words. I don't know if I can even begin to describe the service. Monday was a blur-funeral home, etc. I just remember sitting there picking out flowers, etc and feeling like it was all a dream. Just couldn't grasp it was actually happening. Then the nightmare day came. From the time I woke up I cried and cried. The inevitable had come and I finally had to let go. First, I did everything I could to drag out that morning before the service. I just didn't want it to be time. We were late to the service, went in the wrong door, etc. Just that type of chaos. The funeral, however, was as beautiful and painful as it could be. We were surrounded in love and those that were there were our closest friends and family. I was not at all prepared for his burial. I had to have them wait and open the casket so I could see him one more time. Mom had a letter for him, so I laid that with him as well. I did not want to let go or leave. I just couldn't move. Finally Kara had to just put her arms around me and walk me to the car. It was beyond hell. It was like a piece of me stayed there and died right along with him. I know I will never be the same. I don't even remember what life was like before this.

The Last Letter....

2010-11-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

Below is the last letter I wrote to Kade. He was buried with his letters on August 21, 2007. Since that time, I continue to write him letters and leave them at his headstone or sometimes I keep them in our "Kade box" with all the cards, etc we received after his death.

I remember hearing a story years ago of a family who lost a child and how they took pictures with him, etc and I remember being so creeped out. I honestly remember saying "I could NEVER do that!" How we should never say never. When Kade was born, there was nothing weird or gross about it. It was absolute heart break...but not at all what I had so freaked out about years ago. It was as natural as wanting to keep my other children close...I was just as proud that day as I have been on the days my other children were born. I sang to him, held him, and in the moments he was with us here on Earth, he was surrounded in complete love. Our families all stepped up and surrounded him in the same love they had all the other babies born into this family. It was the hardest thing I have ever done; leaving that hospital without him. I admit, I woke up from what little sleep I had that night in panic that I'd left our son at the hospital. I sobbed like a complete lunatic when I allowed myself to think about him being a cold freezer instead of wrapped up in a warm baby blanket in the bassinet beside us. It is unexplainable and something you have to force yourself to face and then force yourself to let go of. I can not explain the moment he was born............not hearing his cries, it was just silent. Absolute silence. Then I remember just breaking into uncontrollable sobs. Just sobs that take over your entire body. I remember burying my head in Shannon's hands and I am not sure how long I sobbed like that. When they handed Kade to me, it was the strangest sense of calm. I suddenly felt some sort of peace and I smiled at his handsome face. I was heart broken, yet so thankful all at the same time. I am so very thankful for Dr.N who cried with us, who faced an entire waitng room of friends and family at least 20+ strong and giving them the news. I am so thankful for everyone there...everyone who came into our room and never once treated him like an oddity. He was greeted with smiles, hugs, tears, and held in love. Kinsley was still so little, she wasn't sure what was going on, but she knew she was surrounded by those that love her and she was more worried about playing with Aunt Kara and Nonny than the baby. I'll never forget Aunt Suzanne and Karen helping with his hand prints and feet prints. It is just certain pieces of that weekend that stick out like bright pictures in my memory. I just remember feeling so much grace in that room. I am so thankful that while Kade was here with us, he knew nothing but love. We were so blessed with wonderful nurses and staff. Not one treated us like we were crazy, and you could see they felt our sadness. That weekend brought big storms and major flooding; we were barely able to get home. I felt like the rain if that makes sense and I remember thinking how appropriate the storms and rain were for this "occasion."
I miss Kade every day and he is the first thing on my mind in the mornings and the last at night. I will forever be grateful for our time with him, and maybe even a bit angry and sad that our time was so short. That's just part of being human I think. Sweet dreams little man.

Letters to Kade: August 19, 2007

2010-11-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

Dearest Kade,
We learned Friday that you had already gone to God so we went to the hospital to begin delivery. I was in labor that night and through the next day. When the time came to begin pushing, I just lost it. It suddenly hit me that this was it...I was going to have to let you go and there was just no way I was ready. The months of hoping and praying for a miracle had come to an end. It was time. The delivery was not the easiest, but not too rough. You are so beautiful! You are tiny...just 3 pounds. You look like Kinsley in the face with those round little cheeks. You have a very long, skinny little body and built just like your daddy. You are so perfect-your little head is the only thing that was not absolutely perfect. You have beautiful, long little fingers and cute, fat flat feet just like daddy's. I held you most of the day yesterday and kissed your little face. We took pictures of you and you with the family. I knew the minute I saw you that I was so thankful that I got the chance to meet you. You are so much worth the pain. I just can't explain how much I love you and how grateful I am to be your mommy. You are a beautiful child-such a blessing. You are so tiny and amazing...it's so hard to understand how you couldn't live when everything about you seemed so perfect. As hard and painful as it is, it will never change that I have loved you more than life itself for the last nine months and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I am not ready to say goodbye yet and I won't say those words until we lay you down for the last time. I know today I will hold you and love you and leaving you will be the hardest thing I have ever done.
I love you baby. I am so grateful for your beautiful face, spirit, and the amazing fight you gave to live.
Love Always,
Mommy

Miracles Can Happen.....

2010-10-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

I subscribe to a post about Victoria, a little girl diagnosed with acrania, who has survived beyond all expectations. From this post, I was linked to a family who delivered a beautiful little girl with anencephaly. Baby Marsela lived for 1 year and 8 months with anencephaly...this is absolutely unheard of and nothing short of the grace of God. Marsela recognized her mother, her mother's voice, was weary of strangers and loud noises. I am not a scientific person, nor do I debate into too many things concerning the life/science debate. However, when I watched Marsela's story, it brought life to so many thoughts and ideas we had about Kade. When the specialist told us we'd be better off aborting, that he could never think or feel things...I understand the science behind his argument. It has taken me years, but I do see why he chooses to look at children as "cases" or as a "fetus." I can't imagine doing what he does everyday and the emotional toll that must take on someone. However, I always felt in my heart that Kade was living and full of life inside me. How can you watch a child sucking his thumb or kicking you inutero and not feel that? Through Marsela's story, I found justification of those feelings and it just reinforced my belief in the choices we made to carry Kade to term. They had almost two years with their beautiful daughter. I'm in no way idealizing those two years-I am sure they were difficult, that Marsela required around the clock full time care, that watching her sick and weak at times was heartbreaking and tough beyond imagination. However, they also loved that little girl with all they had and made the very best they could of the time God gave them with her and I admire them so much for that. How proud God must have been to watch them love His child and protect her all they could for the time they were blessed to have.
I have been angry at God for a long time now. I prayed with all my might that we'd get to meet Kade alive. I was devastated and so lost when Kade was born still. However, as I watched Marsela's story, I suddenly realized God knew what he was doing. I barely survived losing Kade; honestly, there are days I am not sure I have. Had I had any more time with him or cared for him in the hospital, I am sure I would have lost my mind in the following months of his death. His death was the hardest thing I have ever endured and I know in my heart that any more time with him, or watching him fight the common illnesses or heart problems found in babies with birth defects would have been impossible for me. The heartache would have been unbearable. Maybe God knew we were fragile; that we could not handle anymore than what we were already going through. I honestly don't know and will likely never understand all the workings of life and why things happen the way they do. I do know that I found so much hope and love in this story. Why don't we hear stories like this in the news rather than some stupid report on another famous person who's lost their mind??? Makes me so sad that it is crap like that that makes headlines (and helps no one), when there are stories like Marcela's that could help so many people struggling through similar situations.

Letters to Kade: August 15, 2007

2010-10-29T09:59:00.001-07:00

Sweet Kade,
You have been pretty still today. You've been in the same position for a week or so now. You stick out really far on my left side and our very far on my right front. I look hilarious! You go right up into my ribs and roll around.

Daddy built your casket and it is beautiful. Seems odd to say beautiful for such an awful situation, but there is so much love in that casket, that you can't help but see the beauty in it. A part of his heart is ingrained in that wood and I know he put his entire heart into creating it.

As your due date draws near, I cherish each and every day with you more and more. I am thankful I've shared this time with you. I am so thankful God blessed me with you-even if you can't stay with me long. You've changed me and my life forever and all for the better.

I know when you get to Heaven you'll be with so many people who also already love you and I know you'll be watching over us. I hope I make you proud and I hope you see everyday how much you are loved and missed. Mommy will be so sad to let you go, but I will rejoice in the thought of you sitting at the feet of the Lord, that you'll hear me when I pray, and that you'll be waiting for me on my judgement day.

I will do all I can and be all I can so that I can be with you in Heaven some day. I wonder often what you'll look like-will you be the baby I love so much or do you grow in Heaven?

I am really struggling with letting you go-I am still so sad and even angry. I know that it will be so much worse when you are born and I see you, hold you, and get to grow attached in whatever time we have you here on earth. I can't even say or write the rest. I can't. It makes it too real.

I love you so much sweet boy and I am so, so sorry I couldn't protect you from this. I'd take your place any day to let you live the life you deserve. I'd give the world to save you.

I love you baby! I love you so, so much!

Goodnight sweet baby!
xoxoxoxo,
Mommy

Journal Entry: August 15, 2007

2010-10-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

Shannon finished building Kade's casket today. He is now staining it and he even bought the fabric to go inside it. I tried really hard not to cry, but you better believe I had a good one the minute I was alone. It's all becoming so real today and each day as the due date comes closer. It just gets harder and harder. I can no longer imagine what the delivery, spending time with Kade, and his death will be like. I hate that word. I HATE it! It's so hard to comprehend all this-I find myself getting angry all over again. And sad..sad is not even the word. Devastated, heart broken-all these life changing words in one. I just don't know how I'll let him go alone to some dark, cold, lonely place. How do I go home without him? Leaving the hospital without my baby is unimaginable...much less when you know the next step is a funeral home and grave. I just never imagined this could happen to me. I want to be so thankful for my beautiful daughter, our family, etc. but I also can't help feeling sorrow for this unimaginable loss. Is that wrong? I have never wanted anything more in my life than these children. Never could I be anything more important than a mother. I would give anything to heal Kade. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

Letters to Kade: August 13, 2007

2010-10-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

Dearest Kade,
The doctor says one more week! You don't kick me much anymore, but your heartbeat was still really good today. You are definitely growing as you fill my entire basketball of a belly. I miss how active you were. You are such a blessing and I hope you can feel how much you are loved! I can't wait to sing to you and hold your little fingers. I hope you recognize my voice. I know Kinsley will love getting to hold you and give you kisses. I hope someday she can understand all of this. I am sure she will forever cherish this time with you. Whatever happens little man, you are loved, you are cherished and you are very much already part of this family. We love you to the moon sweet boy!
xoxoxox,
mommy

Letters to Kade: August 10, 2007

2010-10-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Sweet Son,
I guess now there is no disillusioning myself to the fact that our time together here on earth is getting shorter. As I write, the lines are blurry as the tears just keep falling. I am not ready to let go or say goodbye. I am so scared. I am trying to decide on songs for your funeral and it breaks my heart so desperately that all of this is real. I am your mommy and no mommy should have to say goodbye so fast. Nine months just isn't enough. Please know that you are very much loved, wanted, and I cherish this time so much. I am so proud to be your mommy little man. You have no idea how proud of you I am. You have shown more strength and courage in this short time than I have in my entire life.

I love you so much little man.

love, xoxoxo
mommy

Journal Entry: August 6, 2007

2010-10-21T20:48:00.001-07:00

I am trying to "pick out" songs for Kade's funeral and my mind is just reeling. Is this real? Is this really happening? How do I let my baby go? How do I lay him in some box and walk away? I can't do it-I know I can't. I am trying so hard to continue to find peace and be accepting to his journey with God, but I am struggling. He is my son-my sweet Kade. I already love him beyond words. I feel so scared and although I'm not, I feel so alone. I cry myself to sleep every night...but I am the only one who knows that.
Kade is growing and I can tell by how I carry him that he is in a very odd position. His heartbeat continues to be strong at our weekly doctor visits, so hopefully he is doing well. I am so swollen from the fluid that I simply don't think I can stretch any more. There is only so much a body can take and this pregnancy has really tested mine. I am not sure which is going to give out first-my heart or my body. I feel as though I have aged fifty years in the last few months. I am no longer young and carefree...this experience had completely changed me and I see that more and more each day. I hope that when all is said and done, I still have a glimpse of the girl I used to know.

Letters to Kade: August 5, 2007

2010-10-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

Dearest Kade,
I just simply want to tell you that I love you! I love you with all my heart and soul.
Love, Mommy

Journal Entry: August 1, 2007

2010-10-18T07:04:00.001-07:00

Each day is getting a little harder emotionally and physically. I just feel like I can not stretch anymore and the pain is almost unbearable at times. Kinsley and I did maternity pictures today and they turned out really sweet. She is growing so fast-it's just unbelievable. She brings so much joy to my life each day and I constantly wonder how I've been so blessed. Kade is growing and he is still pretty active. As hard as it is and as much as I'm dreading what is to come, I am also so excited to meet our son. I know no matter what, he'll be beautiful and perfect to me. I am so exhausted that I keep falling asleep as I try to write. It's all definitely beginning to take it's toll and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going.

Letters to Kade: August 1, 2007

2010-10-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Boy,
You are growing and starting to make your way down. Mommy feels like she has a basketball in her tummy! I felt your knee or elbow sticking out tonight and it was amazing! I really hope to have another ultrasound soon-I want to see you! We took maternity pictures with you today. Kinsley kissed my belly and gave you lots of "loving" as she calls it. We made arrangements to have a photographer at the hospital...not sure how I feel about it other than I know I am elated that I'll have pictures of you after the craziness passes.
Family and friends have been researching anencephaly so that they'll better understand your birth defect and know what to expect when the time comes. Nothing could mean more to me than them trying to understand. I think it is also important they know what to expect if they plan on being at the hospital. None of us know what to expect, but I'd rather us know somewhat what to expect than be blindsided.
I love you so much my boy! You will always be my little boy and to me, you are perfect! I know you'll be in God's arms, but I am also very sad that you won't be in mine. I'm just not ready to let you go.

See you soon sweet boy! All Mommy's love....

2010-10-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hmmm....decided to try something new today. Fits the current mood. You know those moments when you hear something and it just sticks? I'll have those little moments and it will send me in to think tank mode for the rest of the day. Being a little stubborn and a lot guarded, I tend to play a lot of things out in my head. Here's the play of the day: a friend sent me the video to Casting Crown's "Love them like Jesus" and in the video there's a line where the lead singer says " You can say what you think, but you'll live what you believe." I listened 3 more times. Wrote it on a post it an moved on about my morning. All the while, this quote is in the back of my mind. The lyrics play over and over in my head. How many of us have known a loved one, a friend, or a complete stranger going through trauma in their life and sit back without saying a word because we don't know what to say? I'm guilty. I've lost a child, yet I've watched other couples go through the same thing and don't say a word....I just don't have the words. I feel in my heart that there are no words to make the pain easier so I say nothing. In my darkest hour, I felt so alone and so abandoned by many people. Some of the people that lifted me up were people I hadn't always been close to...they circled around us when they know we needed them. It is amazing to me the people who came to our aid and sent such kind words when Kade died. People I hadn't seen in 10 years reached out. In those moments, I realized that I could believe in people. Maybe not all, but for the most part, people are worth giving a chance. So why is it so hard for me to do that for others? Loving them like Jesus is something most of us say we do or want to do, but rarely do we live that. For me, it has always been much easier to say than to do.
As I played that quote over in my head, it is kind of like a brick wall tumbled down on me. I've never had any trouble saying what I think....I call it opinionated, some would call it bitchy. Either way, I've always spoken my mind and judged others based on what I said I'd believed. Kind of a dose of reality to think that my life reflects what I believe. It is like that constant conflictedness you feel when you make tough decisions. Oh, to only have the crystal ball that would help us see the outcomes of our decisions. I am just as guilty for doing to others what I have so blasted people for doing to me. To live my life each day to reflect the beliefs I hold will be a true challenge. May sound silly-daily life isn't so dramatic. However, those times when you are innocently "gossiping" about someone....do I really want Kinsley to over hear that and think it is ok? Or...when I tell that little white lie about being busy so I don't have to commit to a social engagement......again, all she will see is that I am lying, not the silly reasoning behind it. Sometimes those little things add up. They add up to how we are seen by other people, and more importantly, how we see ourselves. For the most part, I think we all want the same thing: to be loved and respected for who we are; we're all trying to do the best we can to be super moms, super wives, super employees, and super everything else's (and yes, I realize that is not a word)!!!

Letters to Kade: July 22, 2007

2010-10-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

Dearest Kade,
You've been an active boy, doing what I call the "surfacing" thing. You are always at odd angles in my belly! You are kicking me as we speak. You've been giving Mommy lots of contractions lately. It makes me wonder if you are going to make an appearance soon. We go to Dr.K tomorrow, so we'll get to hear to your little heartbeat and have that assurance, at least for another week. I can't tell you enough how much I treasure this time with you and how much I wish I had more time. From the day I found out you were coming, I dreamt of who you'd be, who you'd become, and laid out all my hopes and dreams for you. I never thought we'd instead be planning your funeral, or making arrangements for your death. I don't know how this happened to you or how Mommy and Daddy are supposed to go from here, but I do that you are very special; God gave you this short life and we will do our best to protect you for as long as you are in our care. We love you to the moon sweet boy!

Journal Entry: July 14, 2007

2010-10-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Kade has moved a lot today. I am so blessed to be his mother...I try to repeat that over and over and hopefully I'll convince myself that I truly am rejoicing in the positive rather than dwell in the negative that is about to slam down on us. I am so thankful he is active and strong. He's really putting up a fight. God bless his little heart. I am so ready to see him on an ultrasound again and see how big he's gotten. I'm not ready to let him go. The closer it gets, the more I am losing it little by little. I'm scared and a lot sad-and desperately wishing the outcome were different. I want to see him, love him, hold him, touch his little fingers and toes. But what if I can't let him go? How do I say goodbye? I know I'll see him in Heaven some day, but it's getting so hard to find reasoning in that. I know I should rejoice in that he'll be with God and that God chose me for this task, but I'm just not there. I don't know how to get through this. I don't know where to begin or how to prepare to say goodbye. People keep telling me there is a reason, that this is all part of a "bigger plan" God has for us. I honestly want to slap the next person who says that to me. I know that sounds awful....I just can't help it. For one, I can't fathom a loving Father would put their child through this. Pain isn't the right word.....there is nothing to compare it to or words to express what it feels like. The only way to understand the hurt is to live it and I wish that on no one. The scariest part is we haven't even come to the hardest part yet. This is just the beginning of a very long road.

My dearest friend...if you only knew how you've carried me through this. I am stronger and able to smile because of you. I know you see my pain and anguish when everyone else sees my smiles. You will never know how you've helped me live through this. I know you don't understand my decision, yet I also know you've respected it and supported me through it. I love you dearest friend...although I may not say it.

***10/13/10 You know who you are dearest friend. Apparently, it was on my heart to write this at the time, although, I am sure I never said the words to you. You've always been my rock and I love you to the moon :) Aunt Kimmy would sure be proud of the person you are today; as we all are!

Letters to Kade: July 18, 2007

2010-10-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Sweet Boy,
You have not moved much at all today and you've got me a little worried. I'm hoping and praying you aren't being hurt by all the extra fluid I'm carrying. I am so used to you moving that it is all I've thought about today when you haven't.
Mommy's been having a hard time lately. I'm really feeling sad as your due date approaches. I'm extremely scared. Scared of the entire experience and scared that I won't be able to let you go when it is time to leave the hospital. I can't imagine leaving you in a "box", never to see you again until our heavenly meeting. That's the hardest part of all this. That's the one part I've never been able to prepare myself for.
Know that I love you tons and tons! You are my sweet, sweet boy and mommy's so glad she's been blessed to be your mommy!
xoxoxo,
mommy

Journal Entry: June 28, 2007

2010-10-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

The days keep getting harder. My body is exhausted; mentally and physically. I'm just so sad and tired. I just feel helpless. I feel so guilty in that a woman's body is meant to carry a baby-how can my body allow some unexplainable birth defect to hurt our baby? I just want all of this to be a nightmare or some horrible medical mistake. This can't be real. The closer to his due date-the harder and harder it gets. I'm trying so hard to stick to faith and believe in the power of His word. It's such a struggle. It's so hard to believe Kade's unhealthy. He moves so much and seems so active and healthy. I can only pray I'll get to meet Kade alive. Please Lord let me meet him alive. I want to hold him, hold his little hand and tell him how much we love him. I can't wait to sing to him. I'm having a very hard time accepting this outcome or that I'm going to leave the hospital without him. How do I burr our son? How do I let go? I know he is God's child, that I was never guaranteed any time with him, but I still can't see how I am to do this. I worry about Kade suffering-I can't stand the thought of that. From what I've read and researched, some anencephalic babies have seizures prior to death and that thought just devastates me. I want to know my Kade alive and pray he's alive long enough for us to know him, but not if that means he has to suffer. I couldn't take watching him in pain. I never knew I could hurt this much or really understood the term broken hearted. This is true pain-true sadness. Then the flip side is enjoying Kinsley and not letting this affect her or her little world. She is so fun and she is what keeps me going everyday. She is my lifeline.

Letters to Kade: July 10, 2007

2010-10-10T07:01:00.001-07:00

Dear Sweet Boy,
I got to hear your heartbeat yesterday! It was so strong. You continue to amaze me in your strength. You are a true champion. You seem to have grown-but Dr. K says you are still quite small. Yet you are very active...you love to play I think. Kinlsey loves to give you kisses through my belly.

As it get closer to your arrival, I'm beginning to have a harder time with the thought of letting you go. I have grown so accustomed to your movements and actions. I will miss that so deeply. I love you so very much. We all love you little boy! You are not a fetus to us or a "mistake." You are our son and it's been that way since day one. I've never been ashamed or wish you'd not been conceived. I feel blessed to be your mother and thank God everyday that I've been blessed to carry you for your time on earth. I can't wait to see you and kiss your little face.

xoxoxo, mommy

Live Authentically

2010-10-07T17:23:00.000-07:00

So I am addicted to chocolate. I don't buy it or keep it in the house, however, my mom seems to keep me in full supply. "Therapy" she calls it. Her latest treat she sent home were the Dove chocolates. They have these cute little wrappers with "inspiring' messages inside each one. So today's read "Live Authentically". For some reason, that stuck with me all day (yes, I did have chocolate for breakfast...remember when I said I don't like having it in the house...exactly) for some reason. It's just been in my brain as to what that means. Does it mean be true to who you are, to make your own path, or simply just the definition of authentic: genuine, real. Most of my life, I have tried to be anything but authentic. I've always wanted to be someone else or like someone else. I've never been happy in my own skin. Whew-it's only taken me 30 years to say that out loud. Kidding aside, it is true that most of what we do in life is because it is to have more like someone else, to be more like someone else, and as a majority, to live as how others expect us to. Not much in life is authentic anymore. If living more authentic includes making it simpler, I am all in. I am so tired of working to achieve...achieve what, I don't know. The paycheck? Realistically, the paycheck is a necessity. Gotta have it or my kids don't eat. However, why must we work so hard, so much time away from our families, watch half of our salaries go to taxes (seriously---my last check had 40% taken out for taxes) , and then come home to the feelings of frustration and guilt that we've missed out on the very most important things to us. I had a friend say the other day "Well, my kids are in school most of the day anyway" and yes, that is true for most (mine aren't there yet), however, wouldn't it be nice that when they got home, you could be there for them? Or when you came home in the evening, the house work, dinner, dishes, etc would be done so you could just spend time with them and actually SLEEP before the sun came up?? Maybe it just me, but I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling like I should always be some where else. At work I feel guilty for leaving my kids, at home I feel guilty for not working on an unfinished project or email. And DARN THAT BLACKBERRY....every since I've had that thing, I live by that darn blinking red light. I may be home and with my family, but subconsciously, I'm check out...I am constantly checking that thing or thinking about checking it. You hear all this stuff about "living in the moment" and normally, I am the first one to go "CORNY" but you know, I am buying more and more into that theory. These moments won't last forever, and not a one is guaranteed. I want my kids to remember those moments and when my time on this earth is done, I want them to have so many memories of those little moments, that their hearts are full, and not sad with grief. I will never be able to give my kids everything...however, I can give them everything in me. Everything they need to be respectful, compassionate, and loving adults. At the end of the day, that paycheck can't buy that. I love what I do and I am very blessed God has granted me with the career that he has. However, as a mom, the time spent with my kids just never seems to be enough. So the promise I made to myself today was this: It is ok to just be me, to just want to be myself, and that at the end of every day, I am going to enjoy this "real" life, as it is everything I ever could have wanted and it has taken a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get here.

Journal Entry: June 2007

2010-10-07T17:08:00.000-07:00

This afternoon Kinlsey and I went to see a friend and her new baby boy. I handled it a lot better than I expected to. He is so cute and so tiny. I held him and Kinsley kissed him. I didn't tear up until we got in the truck-but I did not fall apart. I am making progress.

I also realized that I am so blessed. If I do nothing else in my life, I have been a mother and have loved my daughter and my son with all my heart. My son has a purpose-a purpose I believe is to teach me compassion, grace, humility, and of God's love. Kade's taught me so much in his short little life.

I am starting to wonder if I am ready for what is to come; if you can ever be ready. I am dreading what lies ahead and have no idea what to expect. I am scared. What if I can't do it? What if I totally lose it when it comes time for the funeral? I feel like I am walking into a really large tunnel and I have no idea if I'll ever come out of the other side. I make it through the days ok, but nights are the worst. When the lights go out is when I realize how afraid and alone I feel. One thing I know with complete confidence is that if I survive this, I can survive anything.