Broken Spot

Religion and Politics - We need to match the religious.

2012-12-02T17:19:00.000-07:00

The Center for Inquiry recently uploaded a set of 8 videos to their YouTube channel taken from a conference they recently put on to discuss religious politics and secular values.

The first video is a bit dry, yet sets the stage for the following videos. It really kicks you in the butt. I feel they really hit a home run with this series (conference), we need to do more to take back our government and its secular roots. The last video gives great advice on how and what we can do to get more involved from a journalist's perspective.

I highly suggest watching all 8 videos, and yes it is going require a commitment of time to watch them all. I really don't see any other choice if we want to take our government back, and start steering the country back to its original roots.

Religious Politics and Secular Values - Part 1 John Shook

Major Varieties of Secularism and their Political Agendas
John Shook is Director of Education at the Center for Inquiry and Research Associate in Philosophy at the University at Buffalo, since 2006. He has authored and edited more than a dozen books, is a co-editor of three philosophy journals, and travels for lectures and debates across the United States and around the world. His latest book is The God Debates.

Religious Politics and Secular Values - Part 2 Barbara Forrest

Match Made in Heaven: How National Religious Right Politics Is Damaging State Lawmaking
Barbara Forrest is the co-author with Paul R. Gross of Creationism's Trojan Horse: The Wedge of Intelligent Design. She served as an expert witness for the plaintiffs in the first legal case involving intelligent design, Kitzmiller et al. v. Dover Area School District, which was decided in favor of the plaintiffs in December 2005. She is a member of the board of directors of the National Center for Science Education and the National Advisory Council of Americans United for Separation of Church and State. She is a Professor of Philosophy in the Department of History and Political Science at Southeastern Louisiana University.

Religious Politics and Secular Values - Part 3 Barry Lynn

It's Religion, Stupid!
Barry Lynn is the executive director of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, a Washington, D.C.-based organization dedicated to the preservation of the Constitution's religious liberty provisions. In addition to his work as a long-time activist and lawyer in the civil liberties field, Lynn is an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ. He also serves as host of the radio show Culture Shocks, a daily look at various issues affecting society and the culture.

Religious Politics and Secular Values - Part 4 Ron Lindsay

The Creationists' Evolving Legal Strategy
Ronald Lindsay is president and CEO of the Center for Inquiry. He received his Ph.D. in philosophy from Georgetown University and his J.D. from the University of Virginia School of Law. He has been described both as a lawyer masquerading as a philosopher and as a philosopher pretending to be a lawyer. Both statements may be true. One undisputed fact: He is the author of Future Bioethics: Overcoming Taboos, Myths, and Dogmas

Religious Politics and Secular Values - Part 5 Chris Mooney

The Science of Why We Deny Science (and Reality)
Chris Mooney is host of CFI's Point of Inquiry podcast and the author of three books: The Republican War on Science, Storm World, and Unscientific America. He has been featured regularly by the national media, having appeared on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report, MSNBC's Morning Joe, CSPAN's Book TV, and NPR's Fresh Air With Terry Gross and Science Friday, among many other television and radio programs.

Religious Politics and Secular Values - Part 6 Jeff Shartlet

Sex, Lies, & C Street: Religious Stories, Media Narratives, and the Politics of Scandal
Jeff Sharlet is a journalist, bestselling author, and academic best known for writing about religious subcultures in the United States. He is a contributing editor for Harper's and Rolling Stone. He has taught at New York University and is presently Mellon Assistant Professor of English at Dartmouth College. He is the author of the New York Times Bestsellers The Family and C Street, as well as the newly released Sweet Heaven When I Die (August 2011)

Religious Politics and Secular Values - Part 7 Chip Berlet

Christian Dominionism & Conspiracy Theories
Chip Berlet is an investigative researcher and reporter, photographer, and progressive activist specializing in the study of right-wing movements in the United States. He has written scholarly articles on conspiracy theories, religious apocalyptic aggression, and organized racist groups. For thirty years he was senior analyst at Political Research Associates. He is the co-author of Right-Wing Populism in America: Too Close for Comfort and a vice president of the Defending Dissent Foundation.

Religious Politics and Secular Values - Part 8 Jamila Bey

What the Right Does Right and Why We Get Left Behind
Jamila Bey has been a journalist for 15 years. She was an editor at National Public Radio's Morning Edition for four years before becoming a full-time freelance journalist. Jamila is the creator and chair of the National Press Club's Freelance Committee and is dedicated to eradicating the scourge that is fear of pitching among journalists and PR folks alike. She is currently with Voice of Russia radio.

Stop Child Witchcraft Hunting in Africa!

2012-09-22T13:12:00.001-06:00

Portions ripped unabashedly from The Good Atheist

Children are dying everyday because of the crossroads of superstition, organized religion and greedy bastards. Africa is going through the same issues Europe experienced a century proceeding their Enlightenment. We know how to fast track fixes for these issues because we have history at our fingertips, a game plan if you will.

Let's put a stop to these atrocities against children and women. This is not acceptable, the world should not allow this to continue in Africa.

Leo Igwe Interview

Questions:

A "Save the Children" International report claimed that in the Democratic republic of the Congo, they recommend working with religious leaders to end child witches. Do you think this strategy is actually effective, or does it further legitimize religious power and authority?
You're studying "Witchcraft Accusation in Africa" at the University of Bayreuth. What does this program involve?
- Muslim children in Mali being exploited by Madras
- The exploitation of children seems to have
- I was hoping we could talk more about Helen Ukpabio
They brought several lawsuits against SSN (Stepping Stones Nigeria) and its partners, and lost. They have embarked on a smear campaign using local journalists to publish reports in the media which portrayed the projects of SSN in Nigeria as fraud.
You were assaulted by her thugs. There's a video of this as well online, and a follow up article by CFI about the incident
Founder of Nigerian Humanist Movement.

Various Articles by Leo Igwe:

Additional Material

Thanks!

2012-08-16T09:48:00.001-06:00

Thank you everyone that showed support for The Good Atheist

Support The Good Atheist

2012-06-27T17:54:00.000-06:00

The Good Atheist podcast is my favorite podcast. It really helped me through a bad time in my life. I listened to 5-8 episodes a day, along with some other medical, history and science podcasts during my recovery period. Humbly I don't think I would have recovered as quickly as I did, if it wasn't for The Good Atheist podcast group.

I have read the bible cover to cover, multiple times in my life. I would hazard a guess of about 20 times, with one of those times over a weekend straight. I doubt many have ever actually read the bible, and I think this book project that The Good Atheist is proposing will help make the bible something you can understand and relate to instead of getting caught up in the strange old crusty language and sentence structure.

It is about time that people start reading and understanding what they say is the base of their beliefs and rationalizations. It might help them realize that the bible is just a terribly written, hateful and contradicting piece of chosen fables that have been modified and manipulated to justify just about anything that a church might want to promote.

Please show The Good Atheist some support with their book project. Every donation helps.

Brief History of Tithing and the Financial Stability of the LDS church.

2012-06-20T20:58:00.001-06:00

Credit: curious_mormon on Reddit.
Brief History of Tithing and the Financial Stability of the LDS church.

Compiling this list for another post prompted me to make it it's own submission. It's an interesting view on the history of tithing and how it related to the wealth and financial success of the LDS church.

1837 - Presiding bishop defined tithing as two percent of one's net worth, after deducting debts. This was voluntary and not forced, to quote "Believing that voluntary tithing is better than Forced taxes" - source
1838 - D&C 119 redefines tithing as all surplus property and then 1/10th of interest annually.
1844 - Official proclaimation for all saints to immediately pay a one time tithe of 1/10th of their property and money to the church. Exemptions are not made for those who paid at conversion. - source
1845 - The church emphasizes the need to pay 1/10th of all possessions when entering the "new and everlasting covenant". - source
1846 - Apostle John Page, exempt from the rule as he was an apostle, left the church over what he felt was an unjust and mandatory tax. He further stated that many paid at the cost of necessities for life. - source
1851 - Brigham instigated a vote that would allow excommunication for members not paying tithing or following the word of wisdom. source
. This penalty was inconsistent and not often applied.
1873 - Orson hide describes tithing as 1/10th all of your property at the start and 1/10th of your annual income thereafter. source
1896 - Salaries stopped for everyone but the 12 due to financial troubles.
1898 - the LDS church is now $2.3 million (1800's $) in debt. - source
1899 - Lorenzo's snow stated that everyone must pay tithing prompting a dramatic increase in tithe payers. This was about the same time he issued a total of $1 million in short term bonds. - source
. The manuals show this as a turning point for the emphasis on tithing and it's connection with full membership. - Also note the subtle retcon in the current manuals. This is known as Lorenzo Snow's declaration on paying 10% of your income; yet, income, interest, or 10% are not used in the original quote. Instead, he simply says that each man is "to do the will of the Lord and to pay his tithing in full.". 10% of "income" had not been used prior to this time.
1899 - Joseph F Smith says tithing is a personal choice. Pay more to be blessed more. This is also the second use of the word "income" in relation to tithing. - (Conference Report, April 1899, pp. 68-69.) -Joseph F Smith, president as of this year.
1900, Lorenzo snow commissioned a list of non-tithe payers in all stakes. "Snow told the apostles that non-payment of tithing 'was worse than the non-observance of the Word of Wisdom'" source
.
1907, the church is now free from debt.
1908, Tithing can no longer be paid in livestock, property, labor, or produce - source
1910, Tithing is now required for a temple recommend.
1914, the church releases it's first official report on how tithing is being used. source
1940's, you start seeing the words "income", "increase", and "interest" used interchangeably in publications from leaders and conference talks. - See John A. Widtsoe, Evidences and Reconciliations, pg.285-286
In 1944 you see comments on paying the lord first. This is specifically meant to curb the practice of deducting taxes and living expenses (farmers are still allowed to deduct their operating expenses) - LeGrand Richards, Conference Report, April 1944, p.45.
1953, Income made it back into general conference talks - see Joseph L. Wirthlin, Conference Report, April 1953, p.97
1957 - The LDS church has a $7 million surplus from tithing funds. - despite this, the LDS church manages to go $8 million dollars into debt over the next year and a half due. source
1959 - The LDS church stops publishing its financial reports. source
1962 - "The Church was deficit-spending $32 million annually. New York financiers had to advise against the First Presidency's proposal "to finance such spending by selling Church securities for the next fifty years. The new year looked no better. By the end of February, there was already a $5 million shortfall, and 1963 threatened to equal or exceed the spending deficit of 1962." - source
.
1963 version of the general handbook of instructions, tithing was clearly stated as gross income. There is no reference to interest or increase - also quoted in The Messenger, September 1963, No. 87
concurrently in 1963, Tanner revamped the financial structure of the church and "step by step the Church was introduced to corporate financing." source
Another book, The Principle and Practice of Paying Tithing, published in 1965 states that tithing is Gross, and not net. Notice the trend away from increase entirely and the full acceptance of income.
In 1969 you see another conference talk on gross income, Bishop Victor L. Brown, Conference Report, 4 April 1969, p. 34
In 1970, Joseph Fielding smith and the rest of the first presidency sent out a letter formalizing that interest is defined as income, and no one can say anything different. This went to bishops, stake presidents, and mission presidents. - source - 19 March 1970
Post 1970 quotes can be found by searching on LDS.org for tithing, income, increase, or tithe.
1996 - Estimates place the LDS church's annual revenue at ~$5 billion with total assets between $25-$30 billion. time magazine
2012 - The LDS church completed a $5 billion
renovation in downtown Salt Lake. The LDS owned mall purportedly came in at $1.5 billion, 3x the original estimate. It's unclear how much of the renovation came from the church itself. After completion, the bishopric who supervised the project was released and tithing slips were changed to state, "Though reasonable efforts will be made globally to use donations as designated, all donations become the Church’s property and will be used at the Church’s sole discretion to further the Church’s overall mission." - comparison, old version on the left
Today, all fast offerings and tithing donations are sent directly to salt lake and distributed as the church sees fit. - 2010 General Handbook of Instructions. Income, interest, and increase are often used interchangeably.

Conclusion: Tithing changed through the years to pay for emergency financial needs; however, the corporatization of the LDS finances proved to be more valuable in the overall financial stability of the organization. The LDS church also shows a clear pattern of controlling information to hide their debts and (in modern times) their massive revenue. Financials are only released when the church isn't doing too poorly or too well.

Note: this is not my original research. It's a compilation of the great work of others. Also note that while doing this research I saw many attempts by apologists to exchange interest and tithing for 10% of income. The most blatant
is stating that Joseph stated tithing was 1/10th of income by quoting D & C 119:4. Even the modern D&C still has this as interest. Edit: corrected the cost estimates on the mall per a conversation over in /r/lds.

Still Around

2011-06-09T12:18:00.000-06:00

I'm having other heath issues now but I'm hanging in there.
Really, this blog is now just about my religion story.
You can find it all on the left.

Therapy - Session 5

2008-04-18T19:56:00.001-06:00

(Previously in the therapy thread: Session 4 and Psychiatrist Session 2)

For therapy session #5, Again, I brought a list of topics I wanted to discuss. Most of them were items I had identified in my previous posts on this blog. Writing down my sessions really helps me remember what was said and discussed. It also allows me another opportunity to see what else I want to talk about with my therapist.

The session started with me giving a very quick report on how things are going with Abilify. At the time I had been on it again for 5 days. I told them that the psychiatrist didn’t want to make any changes in dosage or add any other medications yet. I was to continue taking Abilify in the mornings for another two weeks. Then I talked about the side effects that I’m still suffering from, slight fever, light-headed and dizzy a few times a day, and strange dreams. Not nightmares anymore, not since I started taking it in the mornings, but still very vivid dreams. Also, many dreams a night.

My therapist asked if I could remember any of my dreams, and in fact, I could. I remember the dream from that morning, right before I had to wake up. It was an interesting dream, but the main part of it was I, confronting my seminary teacher and her husband from northern Idaho. In the dream I still lived in the rented house up there, but I was my age and had my memories.

I told both of them how much what she had done had affected my life, and how much pain and hurt she had caused. I explained how I could understand that she thought she was doing what was right as a mother in her religion, but I thought she was wrong and she didn’t need to hurt me like that. The husband’s reaction in my dream was one of sorrow, concern and he apologized. The seminary teacher didn’t act sorry, but slightly admitted that she didn’t need to go to the extreme she had.

Both responses would be true to form if it was a real confrontation. I knew it was only a dream, but inside, it made me feel so much better. Over the years, I have done the same mental exercise a couple of times. I have visualized the experience of being able to tell them the impact of their actions on my life, and their responses. In the past, it hasn’t had much affect, because I knew it was just my own thoughts I was projecting on an imaginary situation.

This time was different. In my dream, I actually found some kind of acceptance of what she had done. This feeling spilled over into my own thoughts and feelings when I woke up that morning. The sorrow and concern the husband felt, meant more to me than her feelings. I guess it is because I can find some understanding for why she acted the way she did, and I can see how in her mind she could have felt totally justified that she was following her religious teachings. I expected more from her husband. All these years I had held him also responsible for her actions, for not sticking up for me, or helping put things right. In and out of the dream, it meant more to me to have him be aware of how I felt he failed me. I also found my own acceptance for his part in the past. I hadn’t been completely aware that I held him to blame for part of that experience, but now I realized I had.

It is interesting having all these dreams. I used to go though cycles of dreaming for a couple weeks, and then not for a couple weeks to a couple months. Now it is every night, multiple times a night. It is as if my brain is able to spend the appropriate amount of time now analyzing what it is supposed to every night. Before the Abilify, my brain was just too busy with everything else going on.

Next, I said I had a list of things that I wanted to discuss. I didn’t expect to go over all the items, and wouldn’t be disappointed either way. The “I’m still no OK” chapter in the Self-Esteem book brought up the first item. Peppered through the chapter it mentions getting back in contact with family members, or calling a family member you dislike most on the phone. Again, this topic really pushes my buttons.

I explained that there really are some people in this world, who are truly “evil.” I’m not talking devil or Satan evil, but people that intentionally want to and succeed in hurting, harming, tearing down and destroying. Maybe it is just bad luck, but I have encountered these kinds of people, a few times in my life. It just so happens that 3 of them are my sisters.

True, to some extent they are all mentally ill. Still, even with that in mind, it doesn’t reduce the fact that it would be unwise and unhealthy, even possibly financially ruinous to be in contact with those family members. I again asked my therapist about this, I know they had said in session 3 that I wasn’t required to be in contact with them. Again, I was reassured that I’m in control of my life and I don’t have to have contact with them if I feel that it would be unhealthy. Not only that, but I have some pretty good evidence from past experiences that it wouldn’t be a good idea. It is fine to give other people additional chances, but it is foolish to give someone infinite chances to continue to hurt, manipulate or take advantage.

I explained that this topic will likely come up again many different time. The family thing is so ingrained in me from a child and the LDS church that I think it will always be a thorn in my side. It loves to pop up its ugly head and “should” me to death. I explained again how important family is to the LDS religion and yet how messed up family relations are because of the religion. How there are multiple degrees of glory after death, and if your family isn’t also 100% righteous, they won’t be in the same place as you are. It causes all kinds of over-controlling and manipulative relationships, and numerous opportunities for guilt trips.

Talking out-loud about the church can really show the bizarre circular thinking, and strange opposite justifications that happen. You find yourself talking in loops and then re-defining things to make them fit another related “commandment.” I’m so glad I’m not caught up in that anymore. It has taken so many years and effort on my own to throw it all away. That still doesn’t stop some of the strongest “shoulds” from affecting my thinking every now and again.

I brought up my issue that the book “Self-Esteem” book makes it out as if there aren’t those types of people on the world that truly want to do harm. I understand that they had limited room to fit everything in the book, and they had to be generic enough that the information would apply to the majority of the readers. Some of times though, when it gave examples or was specific, it was still always “safe” advice that should work for the general populous.

My concerns applied to the specifics in my life. I couldn’t expect the book to be written only for me, that is why I’m going to therapy; to be able to talk about the specifics in my life instead of the generalities in the book. The book is a good resource to allow myself to see what specifics I want to discuss.

In my life, I either have encountered those types of people, from bad luck, or just by the “way of life” that I was living. I hope that in the future, I don’t ever encounter those kinds again, but if I do, I don’t want to be required to associate with them. Again, this is where the therapist told me that it is always my choice. I don’t have to associate or befriend anyone that I don’t feel comfortable.

I brought up the topic that I had read that some people don’t like CBT. I explained that it makes them feel that they are hiding or masking their true self or feelings. It was asked how I came by this information, was it an internet group or forum? I replied that actually it was on my blog. I could tell they wanted to know the URL for my blog; they didn’t come right out and specifically request it. I gave them the URL and they said they were interested in reading it in part.

They asked why I named it what I did, and I explained that there are always many reasons why I do or choose the words, names and sentences that I use. I started to explain all the reasons but I got side tracked and only explained one of the reasons.

I wanted a place to share my history and experiences being born into and raised in the LDS church. I wanted to be another voice in the crowd that spoke up against irrationality. If I could help prevent one other person from having to go through what I did, it would be worth my effort and time. If there were people out there that had gone through similar experiences, I wanted to let them know they aren’t alone. I also wanted to document my therapy sessions so people could see what therapy could be like and that it wasn’t something to be afraid of or embarrassed about.

My therapist said it sounds like I write on my blog for very altruistic reasons. I agreed wholehearted, and we discussed that for a little while. I ended up forgetting to explain the other reasons for the name, but I’ll bring that up in another session.

I brought the discussion back to the comment that CBT makes some people feel like they don’t get to express or experience their true feelings. I mentioned that I haven’t found this to be the case, and I think there could be a couple of reasons someone might feel that way. CBT isn’t going to be for everyone, which is why therapists are trained in multiple techniques or modalities.

I have found CBT to work so well for me, because I have been doing it without having a term for it, for so long. Not only that, but I have put in so much time (years) and effort into not masking my feelings, but understanding why and where they are coming from. I could see that if someone wasn’t doing all the steps of CBT that it could fail, or give the wrong impression. It is hard work, and takes a lot of time and self-analysis.

I discussed all the steps that I go through and why. I won’t document it here, because I have already done as much in my previous therapy posts. The main point of the discussion was that you can’t just go from thought stopping and then directly to deciding to change your thoughts. You have to truly analyze the triggers, antecedent events, and really dig into those distorted thoughts. I think because of my extreme circumstances with my sister growing up, I had to get good at this process without knowing it, to keep my sanity. I’m glad some people can take the easy route and get help with the process from their therapist.

The next item on my list was to discuss the thoughts surrounding some of the distorted thoughts I wrote about in my Post Session 2 post. First, I talked about the thoughts around “Fallacy of fairness.” I can see the distorted thought for a personal level. When it is applied at a community or society level, I think it is critical that we advocate for fairness. Also, I brought up in the book that it discusses that we should not pass judgment on others, and I agree with this for those things that are a personal choice and something that doesn’t affect others.

In the book, one of the exercises it asks you to do is to watch TV without passing judgments. It says that some things might be violent, but that everyone is trying to live life and just get by the best they can. I can agree with this in most instances, but not when others are involved.

For example, when I was 11, I started to notice that our neighbor man down the street (who would have lived about 9 houses down from us if there wasn’t a huge open field and only 3 houses between us) would drive home from work very fast and erratic. I knew the family and the wife had been my den mother for cub scouts. My parents had always told me that I was to come home if that man was ever at the house at the same time. They never told me why, but I noticed bruises on her a couple times and she always acted so timid and scared. It was not something I had come to expect from adults.

One night I heard him drive down our street, squealing his tires as he came around the corner. A couple minutes later, I thought I could hear some crying and yelling. At first, I thought it was the TV, but I turned it off to make sure. I could still hear the noises with the TV off. I went and told my dad that I thought I could hear crying and yelling outside, and that our neighbor had just sped home going way above the speed limit. We both went outside, and we both could faintly hear the noises and see some commotion down the street. I had my dad call the cops. We knew he was drunk and it sounded like he was trying to kill his family.

I understand the book and the “fallacy of fairness,” must be meant for the personal level; because, I can never agree if it is referring also to the philosophical fairness of community and society. I will always be an advocate against child abuse or violence towards others. At the same time, I won’t let myself fall victim to the “the world is always against me, it’s not fair.”

My therapist agreed with my assessment, and brought up the point that this was another good example of why I’m writing in my blog. I’m trying to educate and advocate against those things that happened to me. I agreed, education is our only hope to changing the future. I’m not only talking about public education, but life-long education. Education can only occur for those things that are written down. (Sure, there is word of mouth education, and society was stuck with that for so many hundreds of thousands of years. We really only started making huge progress when writing came into play.)

The next item from the distorted list that I wanted to talk about was “Shoulds.” Earlier in the session, this distorted thought was mentioned briefly. I brought up a point on why shoulds are so difficult and they affect everyone. It really goes back to our brains and evolution. We are hard wired with assuming our shoulds, from our parents. Those children that don’t listen to their parents, those that get too close to that river, or cliff, or climb too high in that tree, drown, fall or get eaten by wild animals. The survivors are the people that at a very early age listen and believe their parents, and assume all the societal and personal shoulds.

Building on that from earlier in the session, I brought up the topic of shoulds again. The thoughts surrounding this were how we balance the internal personal shoulds against the philosophical, community or societal shoulds. Shouldn’t everyone strive to be honest with themselves and with others?

My therapist answered this with, yes of course, but we can’t expect them to. We can’t impose our desire for them to do that, on them. I totally agreed with that, but what about for a community and society. There are things there that we as a society should do; for example, we should not allow child abuse, and we should focus on education.

My therapist then wanted to know where all this was coming from. I clarified, that they were referring to personal vs. society. I’m at another pivotal point in my life. My first 18 years of my life was lived by the will of God, following the LDS gospel exactly. The next 11 years were spent trying to find balance between the theoretical gospel and society as a whole. I didn’t believe the church as correct anymore, but I still held on to the core beliefs of the gospel. Slowly over those 11 years, I pruned down those beliefs that I couldn’t make fit with my own logic and reason. Last year, I finally threw all the religion stuff away. I spent the last year reading philosophy and learning true science.

The LDS church, especially when you are born into it, gives you a complete worldview. Everything you are to ever believe and think is provided to you. You are to read, nothing but the scriptures and church publications. Even with the church publications, you have to be careful. Don’t read anything older than 20 years or so, or you run the risk of being considered an apostate. Even some thoughts are something that you need to seek forgiveness for having thought. It is a complete and total kit to how you should think, speak, act and live.

I threw that all away. I’m now re-examining everything. How does it fit for me, how does it fit for a community, society, state, nation and world. My therapist then said they understood now. They could see where I was coming from. They agreed again with me that there are personal shoulds, and we come together as a community on the society shoulds. We need to watch out for the personal ones. We need to make sure we are living our life how we want, and not by someone else’s real or implied expectations.

We were almost out of time, so I briefly brought up “Fallacy of change.” Again, I wanted to know how this applied at a community level versus a personal level. I know we can’t expect to change others; they will only change themselves if they want to. The only thing we can do to cause change is by education. Both sides of that distorted thought can actually be handled through education. It looked like I was thinking straight on that one as well.

With that, Session 5 was over.

(Next up: Session 6)

Father's family cheated by the LDS church and my Father's childhood memories.

2008-04-13T21:22:00.001-06:00

I want to share a little bit of family history about my grandparents on my father’s side. Recently the following story was sent via an email list that my aunts, uncles and cousins on my father’s side all belong to. First I need to provide some context about my father’s family. My dad was one of 11 children and was raised during the depression. Let me list out his family so you can get a clue to where he fit in and the timeframe these stories take place. These will be from my dad’s point of view.

Mother 1906
Father 1903 (died 1951)
1 M 1924
2 M 1926
3 F 1928
4 M 1930
5 M 1933 (twin)
6 M 1933 (twin) <- My dad
7 M 1935
8 F 1936
9 F 1940
10 F 1945 (twin)
11 M 1945 (twin)

All right, now with that set up, I’ve replaced people’s names with their number and M/F to keep things more anonymous. Sorry if that makes the stories harder to read.

1M wrote the following:

Dad was making pretty good progress building his contracting business. He had a large crew of men working during the depression and had contracts lined up for several months. The the 21st ward, of which he was a member, asked him to bid on a contract to paint the ward building inside and out. He submitted his bid and it was accepted. He was to be paid at the end of the contract.

The building was a fairly substantial size requiring scaffolding inside and out as well as large quantities of paint (two coats were required), tools and a good part of his crew. He bought the lumber for scaffolding, the tools and materials needed on credit with the promise that he would pay the bill when he received his payment at the completion of the contract. His crew had to be paid each week because the completion of the job would take about two months and they couldn't wait to be paid. He managed to pay them out of the proceeds from other jobs he had going. At the end of the job he went to the bishop to get his check and the bishop told him he didn't have any money for that purpose and that he thought dad would contribute this work to the church as a good member. Dad explained that he certainly couldn't afford to do that and that he had an agreement with the bishop to be paid at the end of the contract. But there was no way he could get paid.

The next year we moved over to 3rd Avenue and were members of the 27th ward. David O. McKay, who would become the next president of the church, lived in that ward as well. The bishop asked dad if he would bid to paint the 27th ward inside and out. Dad explained what had happened at the 21st ward and wanted assurances from the bishop that the money was on hand to pay for the work at the end of the contract. The bishop assured him that the money was there. So dad did the work on that ward. He got the same response at the end of the job as he had got from the 21st ward.

Dad painted and wallpapered the home of Heber J. Grant, who was president of the church at that time, and pleaded President Grant to be paid for his work on the 27th ward. (I was present at the time, pasting wallpaper for dad as he was hanging it and heard the conversation.) President Grant said he would look into it. A couple of weeks went by during which dad heard nothing, So he talked to President Grant again. President Grant told him there was nothing he could do.

Dad was in a real financial bind. He had used most of his income to pay his crew. The suppliers wanted their money for the supplies they had provided and dad could pay only a little bit at a time. He missed several house payments and lost our home. Later, while we lived in Idaho, 6M (Spots dad) contracted osteomyelitis and required a lot of travel. They finally found a doctor at the Dee Memorial Hospital in Ogden who diagnosed the case and instituted treatment, i.e., a series of bone grafts that were unsuccessful. So the medical bills were staggering Then he had a series of heart attacks, the last of which killed him at the age of 47. For the rest of his life he never caught up from the fraud the church had perpetrated. The fraudulent methods by the bishops at the two wards were identical, just about word for word, so I became convinced that it was church policy to get their maintenance done during the Great Depression by these methods.

Dad worked extremely hard without ever having even a week's vacation for the rest of his life trying to dig himself out of that hole.

I wasn't present at the 21st Ward fraud, but I witnessed the negotiations at the 27th ward, the refusal to pay, dad's pleading with Heber J. Grant and Grant's failure (or unwillingness) to rectify the wrong. Dad talked to David O. McKay about it too, but got nowhere. (I was not present at that conversation.) So, I know firsthand what happened and the destitution it caused.

I should mention that dad also did work for some of Heber J. Grant's daughters (he had no sons). I remember in particular Mrs. Lyman and Mrs. Cannon. They were all fine individuals on a personal basis. It was in Grant's capacity of church leader that he failed to rectify the wrong. That may have been because he was not free to override church policy.

2M wrote the following:

Our family moved from Salt Lake City to Twin Falls, Idaho, on 9 November 1941, 4M's birthday. 1M was 16 and had graduated from East High School. I was 14 and still in Bryant Junior High School. 1M had been working with Dad for years, summers and weekends, since he was 12 years old. I had been working with Dad only during the summers. So 1M was in on the activities he has reported on here. I was not privy to them, only their consequences.

Dad did have a large painting crew working for him, primarily in new construction. He even took in several relatives, gave them a job, and taught them the painting business. At Dad's funeral, I remember one of his former workers came and spoke with me. He expressed his very deep appreciation for what Dad had done for him, giving him a job, teaching him a trade, making it possible for him to earn a living and support his family.

But the consequences of the Church's cheating Dad out of the money he had earned from his own honest labor had terrible consequences on our entire family.

We arrived at Twin Falls, Idaho, on 9 November 1941. It was cold. What small amount of our household goods that were shipped from Salt Lake were placed in storage until the shipping fees could be paid. Mother rented an unfurnished house. Dad and 1M searched Twin Falls for jobs, but they were hard to come by there. They finally found painting jobs through John Kines' lumber company. Dad earned $8 per day and 1M earned $4 per day. They were able to pay for the shipping charges at the freight office. The cardboard packing cases came in very handy. They were used as mattresses for several of the children as there were not enough beds to go around for all. Our dinners were mostly boiled potato and onion soup. But no seconds.

In the Spring of 1942, 1M and Dad went to Spokane in search higher paying jobs. I joined them there in May after school ended. In the summer, we all went to Vancouver, Washington. Dad and 1M got jobs working for Keiser painting houses for the workers who worked in the shipyards building the Victory ships. I got a job at Jansen Beach north of Portland across the Columbia River from Vancouver.

While we were in Vancouver, Mother moved the the rest of the family to Idaho Falls, Idaho. Mother was raised by the missionary families that brought her to the U. S. They lived at Goshen just south of Idaho Falls.

Dad, 1M, and I moved to Idaho Falls in the Fall of 1942. 1M had previously enlisted in the U. S. Army Air Corps. In January 1943, 1M received his orders to report for active duty.

The family moved to St Anthony, Idaho.

So, instead of having a stable family life, at the same safe and and stable location in Salt Lake, our family was on the move and in a very dire survivor mode after the two church wards cheated Dad from the money they legitimately owed him.

The key point here is that these particular incidents were not of Dad's own making. He was cheated and the consequences described were the result.

Those are merely some of the consequences. There are others as well.

4M wrote the following:

We arrived in Twin Falls, Idaho on a very cold night, below freezing temperature. Our mother found a room in a small hotel near the bus station. The next day she found a room to rent. I say she, because I don't remember our father being with us that night. After Dad, 1M, and 2M left for Portland the rest of us lived with our mother for more than a year. Our mother exercised no discipline over me for the next several years even though I was only 11 to 14 years old. We moved from Twin Falls to Idaho Falls, where we lived when our father returned with 2M. I don't remember 1M being with us at that time. We then moved to St. Anthony. 2M and I worked with our father whenever possible. I worked more in the Summer and on holidays, 2M worked more often. I was still undisciplined and wondered about wherever and whenever it suited me. Our mother decided to reign in control about my age 14 and my life became unbearable at home. She and our father engaged in corporal punishment because that's what they had been taught in Norway. After an unhappy three years I joined the Army with our parent's consent.

Our brother, 5M, was converted to a housewife while 6M (Spots dad) was in the hospital in Utah. He was kept home from school for a year to keep the house because our mother didn't feel up to it. There were two occasions in her life when she had difficulty dealing with reality. One was in St. Anthony, Idaho and the other was in Sandy, Utah after the death of our father.

The next time I saw my family was at our father's funeral. 1M had purchased a small life insurance policy on our father when provided the burial funds. Otherwise, there would have been nothing to pay funeral expenses.

I remember the problems with the Mormon church which happened prior to our leaving Salt Lake City from our father's comments. There were additional conflicts with the faith in Idaho.

Outcome

I had no idea any of this had happened. I wasn’t told the above stories at all when I was a child.

Only three of my aunts, my grandmother and my father stayed in the church. Everyone else left as they became adults. I think it was because my father spent so much time (1 year at a minimum) alone in the hospital that he grew so strong in his faith (delusion.) The missionaries, local leaders, nurses and doctors (all LDS) were basically the only ones that visited him in the hospital, because it was too far to travel for my other aunts and uncles. Not to mention how impossible it was for them to find the money or time to go see him regularly. They were all trying their best to survive. It was during the depression and the aftermath, and they had just been hosed, not once, but twice by the church.

Memories from my dad:

The following statements were dictated by 6M(Spot’s dad) to his wife July 27. 1984

I lived in the 27th ward in Salt lake City from 1937 -1940

My grades in school were mostly F's and a few D's. We were supposed to get a dollar for D's starting in the 5th grade through the 8th grade.

5M and I were always the youngest in our class because of our late August birthday.

In the 5th grade I told a joke to the whole class I said - This kid had a headache, the doctor told her, to take an aspirin - so she went and sat on the stove. The teacher came down to where I was sitting at my desk and she slapped my face and sent me out of the classroom. I didn't think it was that bad. The biggest joke was on me because all the kids .laughed at me.

" There were fights every year in school - I had to defend myself."

" I had both my thumbs tore open from logger boots, clambering on me while playing soccer on the ice-packed play ground."

Every spring we would play marbles. 4M would never let us play in his circle, he would say " this is for big kids, not little kids."

" We would have rock throwing contests, kick the can, steal the bottle, and hike down the river."

" I lost the top layer of my tongue and lips on the frozen bridge wall."( in St. Anthony - Snake River)

" In winter we walked on the frozen 12' foam."

" We went any place we could to get money - we would walk down the highway picking up beer bottles, so we could go to see a movie at the saturday matinee."

" In late spring as soon as school was out we would take our sling shots and hunt for magpies - we'd get paid $0.10 a head. We'd go to the show, or buy candy."

" When I was 11 year old - I bought my own school clothes. A winter coat, two pairs of Levis pants which cost $2.50 a pain. Two pairs of socks, one pair of shoes. Mother went with me, - she put up a stink because I wanted to buy them myself."

"When I was 12 years old I used my own money to get my tonsils taken out. I worked hard for two weeks. Dr. Soule took them out. I got really sick."

" In october after the first frost I harvested potatoes. I bought my own logger boots. I could pick up 200 baskets of potatoes a day. Two of us worked together. Some days I made $2.40 a day, working from sun-up to sun-down. I rode the work-horse back to the barn, sweat pouring off the horse, it irritated my skin raw."

" I grew six inches in height between my 12th and 13th year."

" I remember 3F & 4M having knock-out, drag-out fights because we ate all the food before she could get it on the table. Everybody would eat the potatoes while she was peeling them. She would say " I can't get enough here to cook."

" We had a new electric stove, and a deep-well cooking pan. We ate a lot when it was there. We ate six quarts of mush for breakfast. Other times six quarts of hot cake batter was stirred up."

"The groceryman said he couldn't believe all the groceries we went through."

" There was four of us bringing the groceries in the front door, and two of us carrying the garbage out the back door."

" My Dad would cut our hair with hand-squeezed clippers. We hated it because it pulled our hair out, and nicked our necks."

" Blesterburg. the groceryman at South Side Market in St. Anthony, cut my hair and 5M's three or four times, with his electric clippers, because we were so shabby."

" Once or twice a week I worked in his store, stacking shelves, and stacking boxes in the back room, taking the eggs to the boxes from the crates. It was just a little job, I got .25 - .50 In a great while I got $1.00."

" For April Fools Day,unbeknown to us, there were red chi li corns inside the shelled spanish peanuts, and ex-lax in the Hershey bar wrappers."

" When 5M and I were 12 years old, going on 13 - we went to Scout Camp. I ate 13 hot cakes and 11 fried eggs. 5M ate 11 hot cakes and 13 fried eggs. When we were driving home on the big open-flat potato truck we threw the left - over eggs at the cars going past."

"Mom and Dad took the whole family in our old 1933 Model B four-door sedan to Ashton. The car threw a rod, the car overheated, a chemical was put in the gas tank to clean out rings and valves, and it smoked all the way down the highway. It left a cloud of smoke for miles. I don't remembers how we got home."

" We had a fire in the house in St. Anthony. Dad remodelled it all. The house used to be a boarding house - so it was large. Cigar butts were in all the registers. There was a fireplace upstairs. We sanded all the floors, and repainted the whole house. The three porches were turned into bedrooms."

" 4M, 5M, 7M, and I slept in one sunporch room. It was only wide enough for two single cots. 4M slept in one. 5M, 7M, and I slept on the other cot. There was a fight every night between us, to see if I had to sleep at the foot of the cot. I always won because I could whip them both together."

" We had a pup tent that we would sleep in the summer time, outside on the lawn. We used to have rock throwing contests. Everyone thought we were asleep in the pup tent on our lawn. 5M, 7M and I and our friends would see who could break out the street light. Then we would all hide from the police. We would hide in garbage cans and the trees, and around the block. We needed the arch light out so it would be dark, and we could play kick the can. One would be IT and count 25 - 100. IT would find the others and jump oven the can. The others would try to get home by kicking the can. I can remember 4M played with us a couple of times."

EARLY BEGINNINGS of 6M(Spot’s dad) written by his wife from her memory on 9/9/97

6M told me he remembered getting lost at a very young age. (Seems like it was sometime before he was five years old.) The Jensen Family lived on the Avenues of Salt Lake City, Ut. He was crying his eyes out and bawling loudly as he wandered up and down the streets from house to house, looking for his house. His pitiful wailing stirred the kind heart of a neighbor. She came to his rescue, and took him home. He actually was only two blocks from home.

6M told me when he was give on six years old he went to see the movie "The Wizard of Oz," with his twin brother 5M. The wizard terrified him, and he let his feelings be known. At that point he became the attention of all within hearing. He got up out of his seat, and ran around the movie house, wailing loudly. He was assisted to wait outside . He remembered crying all the way home. It took him a long time to get oven this frightful ordeal.

6M told me he usually got into scrapes and fights at the beginning of each school year. Marking his boundaries. He didn't want anybody getting the best of him. He was ready to defend himself for one reason or another.

When the family Lived at St. Anthony, Idaho, for summertime fun. 6M, 5M, and 7M would go swimming in the fast-moving snake river, which was full of holes and jagged sticks. It was the height of their adventure to dive off the dangerously high cliffs into the treacherous river, dodging the unexposed boulders.

There is a story about 6M's bicycle, and his ice skates. Seems like he worked for a long time earning the money and saving it up. When he bought his bicycle he was required to share it with others members of the family, as a result the bicycle got wrecked. His ice- skates were banned to teach him a lesson.

There was one particular time that 6M remembered when money and good were very scarce. Apparently when the family first moved to St. Anthony all they had was fifty pounds of flour, and fifty pounds of potatoes, and some oil. He said they ate homemade doughnuts, and spudnuts for three months. This was all they had to eat.

6M told me when the family moved to Union ( fifteen miles south of S.L.C.) He had a fight with his mother. He ran away from home for the summers. He hitched a ride to St. Anthony, where he stayed with his friends for six weeks.

When he went back to his home in Union he was too stubborn to go inside the house. He slept in the chicken coop for three months. His brothers, 5M or 7M would bring him bread and his Mom's homemade strawberry preserves to eat. ( Needless to say strawberry jam was not on the top of his list of favorites.) He did venture into the house when it got too frosty in the chicken coop. He slept on the hard cement basement floor for three years.

One day when he awoke in the morning he found he had the shell of a stink bug in his mouth. He made other sleeping arrangements after that tasty episode. Another time he told me about when he was growing up; He melted and ate a two pound block of velvetta cheese. He ate it all by himself, Yes, the whole thing! It made him sick. After that he never was big on grilled cheese sandwiches. This was a disappointment to me, because this was the only thing I knew how to cook when he married me.

He went to bed with his clothes on - especially his Levis pants. 7M his younger brother, who was the same size, had the habit of taking 6M's clean clothes and wearing them. They each were required to launder their own clothes, and 7M's clothes stood up in the corner by themselves. Stinky socks were a problem too. 6M would have to hurry and be the first one up in the morning to retrieve his clean blue jeans from the laundry line, that he had washed out by hand the night before.

The year when 6M was in the hospital, and wasn't able to attend school, 5M his twin brother stayed out of school too. 6M said 5M didn't want to go to school without him. 5M told me July 31, 1997 when I visited with him. He 5M, was needed at home that year. He had to tend the younger children while PaPa worked, and his Mom was off in the psychiatric department with her own health problems. 5M was responsible for washing the cloth diapers for the young twins-10F and 11M. 6M told me he took his turn washing their diapers too. Scrubbing them by hand in the bathtub, until his fingers bled.

It was their job to wash the big kitchen floor in their home in St. Anthony. It would take 5M most of the day to wash the floor on his hands and knees. He was very thorough, and when he got through it was spotless. 6M had other plans for his day. When it was his turn to wash the floor he was much faster than 5M, - only taking him forty-five minutes to get the whole floor washed. His Mom came in to take a look after he was finished. She took the bucket of water and threw it all over the floor and told 6M, "Now wash it clean."

While in the L.D.S. hospital Halloween night, 6M never forgot the trick that the doctors played on the resident nurses. The doctors went into the nurses quarters after the nurses left on their dates for the evening, and smeared gobs of honey on the toilet seats. The sounds coming from their quarters were none too sweet, later that evening when the nurses returned home.

While living in St. Anthony SOME BOYS would play mischievous tricks. Turning over out-houses Halloween Night was one of them. SOME BOYS... (so I was told)... would fill the contents of the out-house into a paper sack, and place it on the front poach of a house, and set fire to it. Another SOME BOY... would ring the front door and all the SOME BOYS would run and hide. They would peek out from their hiding places to see the owner of the house open the door and seeing a burning sack on his front porch would jump on the sack with both feet - trying to stomp out the fire. There was slipping and sliding and cussing, and then a yell to MaMa - "Get me mah gun." About that time the fun was over and SOME BOYS bolted home.

As a young man, before 6M was married he lived -in an upstairs apartment on the avenues. Not remembering it was Halloween there came a knock on his door. When he went and opened the door much to his surprise there stood two trick or treaters. He went into his kitchen to look in his cupboards to see what he could give them. A shredded wheat with honey on it is all he could find, so he gave them that. No more trick or treaters climbed his stairs that night. Suppose the word went out - "he was doing tricks"- not treats!!

When 6M's father was training his sons in the painting profession he told 6M he would never become a painter like his brothers, because of his short arm, and stiff shoulder. But 6M persevered and through his determination learned to use his left hand. When 6M was a young man of 32 years of age he had built up a very successful painting business, - he had thirty men on the payroll, working for him.

FLDS, polygamy and religious insanity.

2008-04-13T20:12:00.001-06:00

Grégoire has a fairly scathing post over at his blog regarding the latest crimes committed by those FLDS in Texas. He has some very insightful comparisons on social politics and the FLDS movement. Go give it a read and let him know what you think.

PZ Myers shows us that it isn’t just the fringe religions where forced marriage is an issue, you can read about it in his “Not just the Mormons, of course” post. He also weighs in a little bit about the FLDS raids. His posts might be small, but his comment community always has lots to say.

Ed Brayton one of my libertarian blog heroes, talks about it as well, in his “The FLDS Compound Standoff and Liberty” post.

Letters from a broad has something to say on the subject as well, "FLDS, Polygamy, the 4th amendment and other topics." Or go to her "post on the Texas FLDS raid."

Read comparisons between "Joseph Smith and Warren Jeffs: Two Texas-lovin' pedophilic peas in the same perverted polygamous pod."

Therapy - Session 4 and psychiatrist session 2

2008-04-12T22:04:00.001-06:00

(Previous in the therapy thread: Psychiatrist session - Better living through chemistry)

Therapy session #4 started with me discussing the experiences I had in the last week with Abilify. I told them briefly about my visit with the psychiatrist and the plan he explained to me. I was careful to read only the major warnings with the drug at first because I didn’t want it to develop side effects just because I was aware of them. I don’t know if I’m a hypochondriac in anyway, and I want this experience to be as “scientific” as possible. The next day after taking it, I start to get “flu” like symptoms and I detailed how those progressed over the weekend. All the research I had done over the weekend on how Abilify worked.

I also talked about working “sick” through Monday. On Tuesday with the “flu” fog gone I was even more certain the changes I experienced while on the drug for the short period I was on it. I explained my thought processes before, during and now after being off for 48 hours. I could feel my thoughts getting noisier and I had to deal with many more at once than I cared to. My therapist had me explain more in detail if and how I can get all my thought processes focused on one goal.

I told them that I meditate for a few minutes, do the diaphragmatic breathing exercises, or if I can put on my headphones and listen to something with a good repeating beat or “tonal” music. Techno, some ambient (genre) or most electronica music can really get me into the “groove,” that is, get all my thoughts going on one task at once. Once that happens, I will go heads down and work on the problem or task. I have to be careful not to get distracted while in the groove, or it’ll break down and I’ll no longer have all my thoughts working on one thing. The other thing that will get all my thought processes on one task is if I get myself into “fight or flight” mode. Then everything is in focus and I can get some stuff accomplished. (I really hate to use this method, because it can really throw me into depression so easily.)

My therapist advised me that I should avoid putting myself into “fight or flight” mode. I agreed, and told them I don’t like doing that. Sometimes, in the past it has been the only way to break a dead lock inside my head. They told me for the next while they wanted me every day to try my hardest to keep all my thought processes focused. At first I didn’t see where they were coming from with this request. I am tired, I’ve been doing that for all these years already and I know exactly what it will do for me. I’ll be exhausted, and have zero personal time. Everything will be dedicated to work and there will be nothing left for me. This is why I’m going to therapy, to resolve these things. So, I asked the obvious question, “Why? Why are you asking me to do this experiment again?”

They said they understood I was tired and I have been doing this exact same focusing task for a long time. They wanted to me to try my best, while on the medication, so we could see what was possible. Ah ha! I now understood. You see, when they asked me the first time to spend the time and energy to keep everything on track, they were speaking from as if I was on medication. Currently, for the past 48 hours I hadn’t been on Abilify. My psychiatrist had asked me to stop for a couple days. I was already starting to revert to my “normal” un-medicated state. So, to me, I was thinking the therapist was asking me to redo an “experiment” under the exact same conditions I had been living under for so long. This wasn’t the case at all. They were asking me to doing this experiment while I go through this next phase of finding the right drugs and dosage. They explained that if I understood what was possible with me trying my hardest to keep everything in check, as I had for so many years, the dosages for the drugs might be different. (I would know where my boundaries were, I’d be kicking the tires, checking the fences.)

This made so much sense to me; I was sold, totally on board. I needed no other convincing. I was already planning to do this exact same experiment anyway. I had been thinking about my current state and not my future state. It made me feel good inside, I could really see that my future self is going to be so much better off.

Earlier in the session, I had brought up the question if I should continue with weekly therapy while I’m in the “figuring out” phase with my medication. They told me that evidence has shown that therapy is helpful to that process and suggested that I do continue with therapy during this next phase I’ll be undergoing. Now after this last bit of insight from the therapist, I could see I would really benefit from therapy while figuring out my drugs and dosages. I could use my therapist as a bouncing board of how I’m doing and they could give me tips on how to best test and push things to the limits.

My session ended, and I really felt good inside. I had so much hope, and could really see another benefit of therapy; having another pair of eyes to catch the things I miss. It is like “pair programming” in the computer programming world. Hmm, I wonder if I should write my test cases up front, like in test-driven development. Hahaha. That is great. (Actually, I already have mentally thought through many tests that I did “run” while I started Abilify.)

That night, Thursday, again I didn’t take an Abilify. I needed to get the ok from my psychiatrist first. Friday during the day while I was at work, my wife contacted the psychiatrist and after hearing what I had prompted her to tell him, he suggested I give it another try. This time though, I’m going to switch to taking it in the morning. I had read online that the morning schedule works well for those that experienced insomnia from it.

Saturday morning I woke up and started taking my half pill again. Later that afternoon I started to feel hot again, as if I had a slight fever. That night I slept fairly well, at least no insomnia. I was able to go to sleep within 2 hours, and slept a more normal rest pattern though-out the night. I did have very vivid dreams though, not nightmares or delirious, just that I dreamed many times that night. In fact, that one thing has stayed with me so far. I dream every night. I used to go though weeks or months without dreaming, then go for a few weeks of dreaming. I’m curious to see, given enough time if I’ll still have a cycle like that, or if I’ll be dreaming every night. I don’t mind, I enjoy dreaming, as long as it doesn’t turn into nightmares.

All weekend I’d experience hot flashes through-out the days, and always had a slight low grade fever. It would get slightly worse at times and then back off a bit. On that Wednesday, I had my next appointment with my psychiatrist. I was still suffering from being hot, and fever though-out the days. In addition, I still get dizzy and lightheaded 6-10 times a day, and also get these weird sensations that I have a slight pressure in my head. It is exactly the sensation I get when I have an adrenaline rush. Like when I’m playing a video game or playing Poker and I have a really good hand, I get this rush in my head and feel a bit dizzy. I’ve always had this, but now with Abilify I get it randomly in the day. (I didn’t put this last part together until after I left his office, I might have to mention it to him)

The psychiatrist told me that he wasn’t going to change anything in our plan yet. I had only been on Abilify consistently since Saturday, and wanted to see how I was in two more weeks. This news was just fine with me; in fact, I really like my psychiatrist. He is always suggesting and doing what I would want him to do, but without me having to express it; it’s really nice.

So, that’s where I’m at so far with Abilify. Still the same three side effects and my thinking is quieter. I don’t feel much different other than that, and that is ok. Having my thought processes down to 2-4 instead of 6-8 is such a relief overall.

(Next up – Psychologist Session 5)

Psychiatrist session - Better living through chemistry?

2008-04-11T22:12:00.001-06:00

(Previous in my therapy thread: Session 3)

The Friday after my 3rd psychologist session was my appointment with the psychiatrist. My wife had called ahead and had them fax us the paperwork so I could fill it out before hand. Along with the normal contact, insurance and medical forms, I had to fill-out 3 or 4 different mental health questionnaires. One was more focused on Bipolar, another was for schizophrenia, and the others were for depression and general mental health. Filling those things out was slightly confusing, because I was filling them out after the actual reasons that I went into therapy had passed. I did my best to answer them by my current state, and slightly bumping them into the direction I have known I go to in the past.

We were lost on our way to the office, and eventually made it there a little bit late after calling them on the phone and getting better directions. Apparently, maps.google.com always gets it wrong for their office. They are in a newly developed area, so I’m sure Google is just behind on getting it’s information up to date. I was a bit stressed out by the time we finally pulled up and headed inside. The doctor was a little late getting back from lunch so it ended up being just fine that we were 5 minutes late.

After checking in with the front desk, they handed me one more paper to fill out. I let my wife do most of the writing since her handwriting is much clearer than my own. I had to fill out one more series of questions, and then waited a couple more minutes for the doctor to be ready for me. I was called back into his office and I took a seat on the couch. He looked like a nice guy and gave a chuckle at what I had written for one of my answers. The question was regarding the reason for seeing him, and I answered "to be normal." He said that it is a hard task that I ask of him.

He starts in asking some of the exact same questions I had already filled out. I’m guessing he has us fill those things out so we have already thought through the questions and have some type of answer already prepared. Also, I’m sure he is looking to see what we wrote down for a self appraisal versus what we say out-loud and his appraisal. I don’t know exactly, but those reasons seem likely to me. He goes down the questions relating to specific disorders, and starts honing in on a couple of areas and asking for more details on certain responses. For a good majority of the questions I answer that I don’t suffer from the problems, but have family members that have, and I explain to the degree they suffered.

I tell him about some of my past history in northern Idaho, and how extreme the conditions were growing up. I explain to him that it is impossible for me to turn my thoughts off. They are always going. It takes me 3-6 hours every night to get to sleep. I have panic attacks every couple of weeks. Have flash backs to previous events in my life. I don’t hear voices, or anything like that, but it feels like I always have 6-8 different conversations or thought processes going on in my head all the time. They are all me, nothing that I feel is “external.” After a while of talking to me, he asks if he can bring in my wife. I don’t have any problem with that, it will be good for him to get her point of view on me and my actions.

My wife comes in and takes a seat next to me and the psychiatrist asks her questions related to those that I answered. She does really well answering most of the questions. Some of them I could tell she wasn’t quite sure what he was asking, but he always clarified and had answers to what he was looking for. He is a very nice guy, well spoken and I felt very comfortable around him.

Finally, he says he thinks he knows what he wants to suggest we do for treatment. He starts by saying that I’m not psychotic, and that is not too surprising to me. He does say that there is probably a underlying genetic predisposition considering all my family members that have been diagnosed and from what I have explain about my parents. He tells me he is suggesting putting me on a very low dosage of an anti-psychotic. If there is anything genetically there this should help correct it. Not only is it used as an anti-psychotic at a higher dose, but at a lower dose it is prescribed for major depression. He explained that because of genetics, your brain is pre-disposed to function more a certain way, and then with childhood your brain develops even more differently depending on your experiences. It was as I had always thought was the case and talked with my wife about that exact thing in the past. I’ve been hit with both whammies.

I’m very happy about this, and everything he is telling me makes perfect sense. I wouldn’t be surprised at all, if there are some things there in my brain from genetics. I’ve worked so hard all my life to keep everything in check, not to be like my sister, parents and other family. Inside my head it’s a full day’s effort just to keep everything under control, but worth it, as it is the only way to survive and be functional. I can be a mess inside, but no one would ever know from the outside. I spend so much time and energy making sure that externally I’m calm, collected, responsible, etc. I’m at the point now where I’m just tired, I can’t do it every day all the time anymore. I’m not getting sleep, and I feel like I’m wasting 60-80% of my time and energy every day, and I’m still working my butt off so no one can tell.

He tells me he just wants to start me off on Abilify right away, low dosage, half a 5mg pill a day. I agree, it sounds like a great plan to me. I’ve read the series over at Corpus Callosum (Part I, Part 2, Part 3), regarding prescription and dosage selection process. I’m aware there is going to be a trial and error period involved and I’m fully looking forward to it. I get to be my own little science experiment. That is all he wants to do right now. He explains that I should take it right before bed because it can cause nausea and drowsiness. He also thinks it might help with the insomnia, but if it doesn’t we’ll get that figured out a little later on. He wants to see where this takes us for now and wants to see us in 10 days. He asks if I want his notes sent over to my psychologist to let them know what he has suggested and planned. I think it is a great idea and I fill out the release forms while scheduling my next appointment.

That night I decide I’m not going to read too in depth into the side effects because I don’t want to “taint” the results. I know that can be risky and everyone should be fully aware of what they are taking. I decide I don’t know, perhaps there is always a possibility that I could be a hypochondriac in some minor way and I don’t want to have any effect on this working. I’m going to watch it very closely and if I any strange symptoms start to develop, I’ll go read up on the side effects in detail. I do read all the major warnings and other documentation. I take my first half pill that night and head off to bed.

That first night was horrible, absolutely terrible. I always go to bed between 9 and 10 pm. If I don’t, I don’t get sleep. This night was not any different; I head to bed at 9pm and lay there. 6 hours pass by and I’m still just laying there not able to get to sleep at all, total insomnia. Finally, I dose off but wake up 20 minutes later from a really nasty nightmare. The rest of the night is more of the same. 20 minutes of sleep, not restful in anyway, delirious dreams (I’ve had heatstroke before and high fevers, and the dreams were of that sort) that turn into nightmares and I wake up. That morning I just feel awful, worse than as if I hadn’t had any sleep at all. I mope around all day, and I start to feel like I have the flu. My body starts to ache, I get a fever, slightly runny nose, light headed, dizzy, overall feel like I’m in a fog.

Considering I was feeling just fine the day before, and I usually start to notice the day before if I’m coming down with something, I decide to jump online and check the minor side effects. After a quick search and read through, my mind is put to ease about the flu symptoms. A few other people have suffered from the same thing and their effects went away after a while. I’ll pay close attention to make sure I don’t get worse. I read some good additional information about Abilify on epocrates.com, drugs.com, PDSHealth.com and emedtv.com.

The drug is pretty spiffy, lots of people like it because it affects 3 things at once. Many people were able to remove 3 medications and replace it with Abilify. It has a partial agonist activity at the D2 receptor; which means that it binds to the D2 receptor and makes it a partially more happy. D2 is a subtype of the dopamine receptor, schizophrenia can be caused by malfunction here, along with lots of other things. It is also a partial agonist at the 5-HT1A receptor; same as the effect on the D2 receptor, it binds to the 5-HT1a receptor and makes it partially more happy. 5-HT1A is a serotonin receptor and induces neuronal inhibition and controls behavior, such as sleep, feeding, thermoregulation, aggression, anxiety. Here is where I think it is hosing my sleep (insomnia) and my thermoregulation (fever). It is also is an antagonist on the 5-HT2A receptor; which means that it partially blocks the receptor and makes it less active. 5-HT2A is another serotonin type receptor and when excited by things like LSD cause visual hallucinations and other weird things, but Abilify makes it less exited. I’m guessing this is good for those that see people or hear external voices. Of course, all three of these receptors are seriously complex, and I’m no way trained to really know what the heck they do.

I suffer through the weekend feeling just miserable with flu like symptoms, insomnia, restless sleep, and nightmares. Monday rolls around and I head off to work. I feel sick all day long on Monday, and luckily the day was full of interviews since we were looking to hire another person for our team. I helped run through the interviews and then came home. We put a call into the Psychiatrist to see what we should do concerning the side effects I was experiences. Unfortunately, we missed his call back. Monday night was still bad, insomnia and nightmares, but Tuesday most of the flu like symptoms started to leave. I was still suffering from a fever, but the muscle aches, slightly running nose, and overall fog went away. I was still light headed and dizzy 5-6 times that day, followed by feeling nauseous. I also noticed something else; things seemed much quieter inside my head.

The only way I can explain it is like this, before I was on Abilify, it felt like I had 6-8 different conversations or thought processes going on inside my head. If I tried really hard, meditated or listened to some good ambient or techno music, I could get all of those processes working on one task at once. It was great for work, I could do the thought work of 2-3 people; it was very wonderful. The down side was it took so much effort and work to get them all going on the same task. Most of the time when I didn’t have to focus so hard, a couple of the processes would be off wandering, a couple more criticizing myself, others were thinking about the future and all the things that might happen next, lastly were some thinking about the past, or what I was currently working on. It was a real mess in my head, but I kept it together and thought nothing of it for many years. I’m not saying they were external, or not me in anyway. It was just like I had an 8 core processor going inside my head and I was always wearing myself out keeping them in check. Having 7 distorted thoughts (CBT) all at once is not fun, nor is it great when you get one shut down only to find 3 more waiting in the wings.

Now, on Abilify I noticed something different for the first time. A good majority of them were quiet. Wow! It felt like I had 2-3 and at most 4 thought processes if it was absolutely necessary. I’ve always had great hearing and sense of smell. I always hear things others don’t at first, or I am the first one to smell something. Those senses though, were always like triggers. I wouldn’t notice anything unless something was out of the ordinary. On Abilify, I can hear everything around me, the world, without having to concentrate, or be in “panic” mode that something is out of place. It is really quite different from what I’m used to. So, there are the upsides, less “noise” inside my head and I’m more aware of my senses all the time.

Here are the downsides I have noticed. Sometimes when I’m talking, I stop mid sentence, I quickly pick up what I was saying and finish the sentence, but there is a pause there. What is happening is, I’ve always thought through what I’m going to say completely before I say it. I used to be able to think that through, put that sentence on a back thought process, let it control my speaking while I’m paying attention to the other person’s body language, or thinking about what to say next, or thinking of the exact word to better modify the sentence I just thought of. Now, I still think the entire sentence through like I used to, but now I actually have to pay attention to what I’m saying as I’m saying it. If I let my mind wander, I stop speaking. I find it really quite funny. It is not a very big deal, and I think I’ll get used to how my brain works now, but it will take a little bit more time.

It is also a little harder to stay on task now. I used to be able to do all the grunt programming work, the boring task of just typing after all the design has been done, and think about other things at the same time. I used to be able to just put things on the back burner and they’d be done. Now I have to be “there,” and attentive of the task I’m working on. So I get more easily bored than I used to. I think I can deal with that too, given time to get used to it.

It truly is a compromise. I can choose to have lots of thought process available to me when I need them, have a more “noisy” head and not be on Abilify. Or I can choose to have it a little quieter, have to pay more attention and be on Abilify. Currently I’m choosing Abilify. I like it being a bit less noisy. I can still think just as deep as before. I’m still just as creative, and still can be random. It is just less noisy and less work to keep all those horses reined in and on task. It’s not foggy or slower or faster, I’m the same in all those regards.

That Tuesday my wife finally talked to the psychiatrist and told him about my side effects over the weekend. He advised me to stop taking Abilify for a couple of days to see if I started to feel better and then call him again on Thursday. I decided I was going to give it one more night, it would be 96 hours if I took it one more night. I had read that 96 hours was the point when some people had steady blood levels of the drug, I wanted to see how I would feel after 96 hours. That night I took my half a pill, and still had insomnia and nightmares. Wednesday I had a migraine and had to stay home from work. I worked from home off and on through-out the day and didn’t take Abilify that night. Thursday I was feeling better after finally getting some sleep. No nightmares and I was staying asleep for 1.5 hours at a time. By Thursday evening, I started to notice my head getting noisier as the drug was working out of my system.

Thursday nights are my psychologist therapy session nights, so I think I’ll stop here for now.

(Next up - Session 4)

Therapy (session 3)

2008-04-09T20:18:00.001-06:00

(continued from Distorted Thinking)

I talked as we sat in the parked car outside the bookstore for a little while before we finally went inside. After some searching around, we were able to find the Self-Esteem book, and it was in the self-help section as I was warned. I made my wife carry it as I looked around at the sci-fi and fantasy book sections. Not finding anything that I wanted to buy, we made our way to the checkout line. I guess it shows how much I avoid the possibility of others judging me by the fact that I had my wife carry and purchase for the book. I just feel so lame holding a self-help book; at least she could say it wasn't for her. I quickly began reading it as we drove home. I said I might do a small book review here in this post, but I’ve decided against that. You can go read the table of contents and the first chapter online here.

I read as much as I could in the book over the weekend and ran into a couple of sticking points that I decided I’d try to bring up in my third session. I ended up more than half way through the book by the end of the weekend. I didn’t want to move on much further in the book until I had a chance to talk about some of the sticking points I uncovered. That week was very busy at work and didn’t have very much time or energy in the evenings to read anymore. I watched my thoughts carefully that week to complete my “homework” assignment from therapy. The problem was I had been living the methods of CBT for so long (most of my life on some thoughts) that they were gone before I had time to notice change in my feelings. Even the new thoughts that I had added to my internal shutdown list were getting shutdown so fast now that I wasn’t noticing changes in my feelings on those either.

The only thing I was going to be able to add to my homework 5 column list would be my concerns that I really should have something to show for my progress that week. After thinking about it some more, I figured I wasn’t going to stress over it. If I found my feelings changing, I could take that opportunity then to complete my homework assignment. If my feelings were fine all week, well that would be a good sign I figured.

Soon the week was nearly over and it was time for my therapy session. I started the session by saying that I didn’t actually complete the homework assignment. My therapist told me that it was alright, they have many clients that don’t actually get it done the first time either. I responded by saying that it wasn’t for lack of effort. I really did try to do the homework assignment, but that the thoughts were gone before I had a chance to write anything down. I don’t think I explained myself very well because the therapist then said that it was like that for most people at first; and that I’d have to keep trying.

I explained a little more carefully this time. I recognized the CBT process; it is something that I have been doing for a very long time already. I just didn’t have words to explain it. There were some items on the distorted thinking list that I had already been aware of as “dishonest thoughts,” and that my brain was already trained to shut those down without much effort on my part. There were some items on the distorted thinking list that I had thought were not healthy but I hadn’t completely shut them down before. Last week, after realizing that they weren’t indeed healthy in the end, I had added them to my internal shut down list. Now, they weren’t affecting my overall feelings anymore, and were getting shutdown nearly as quickly as the older ones. Finally, a couple of distorted thoughts on the list that don’t bother me, but I’d stay aware of them. I explained very carefully the process going on inside my head and how if my brain caught it in time no change in feelings would occur. It would go from neutral feelings -> trigger / antecedent event / randomness -> distorted thought -> shutdown thought -> opposite or healthy thoughts -> same neutral feelings. I had been doing this long enough that it would skip affecting my feelings for the worse. The reason I was having problems earlier in the month, was that I hadn’t completely recognized that some of the distorted thoughts I had kept around, were indeed distorted. Now, that I was more aware of the downsides of them I would shut them down faster and shouldn’t be affected as much by them.

This time the therapist understood my explanation, and asked a few follow up questions. They were satisfied and happy for me. I said that I had always thought the thinking process that I had been following was abnormal. I was reassured that it was very good and healthy, and it sounded like I was doing it correctly. So, now my concern wasn’t any longer that I didn’t have the tools to deal with distorted thinking, but that it happened so frequently. I’m pretty good at shutting the thoughts down before they affect my feelings, but it happens so much that it wastes so much of my time, “bandwidth” and energy. Because of my past and other factors, I’m spending 60-80% of my resources just shutting down and countering distorted thinking. Here is where the therapist said was where medication would be able to help. Ah-Ha! This was excellent news. I had an appointment to see that psychiatrist the following day, so now I was even more excited to see them.

I then brought out the Self-Esteem book and said I had made good progress in reading it and I had a couple of sticking points that I wanted to discuss. I flipped open the book to the Compassion chapter. I explained that I totally understand the concept and the complete nature of how they are defining compassion. I agree with it completely on normal everyday or even minor events. I have compassion and I practice a very compassionate existence. My sticking point was the example they had used where a son decided to get back with his father after many years of them fighting over some money. For that example it makes sense, we shouldn’t let a minor thing like an argument over money come between people. There are people in my life, specifically family members, where the hurt and harm they have done me is not minor. It was malicious and intentional. I’m not making it up or distorting my thinking on this point, they truly intend to hurt, harm, tear down and destroy. I really don’t see how I’m supposed to find compassion, empathy or forgiveness for them, when they haven’t owned up or even sought it. I don’t see any reason ever to have contact with them again. I have tried multiple times in the past, each time they have taken advantage, lied and tried to destroy my life. What am I supposed to do?

They asked if I felt a “should” about being in contact with them. I said not after what they have done and by the fact, they haven’t attempted any restitution of any kind for their actions. They are so “sick” they don’t even think they have done anything wrong. I feel I have a duty to protect myself from them. The therapist agreed and told me that I don’t owe anything to them. I don’t have to have contact with them. I’m an adult and they are adults, it is my right to choose not to get involved and protect myself if I feel that is healthiest for me. Then they asked if the LDS religion had a compassion or forgiveness concept. I said yes, of course, but it is totally a mind control mechanism and is really messed up. I re-affirmed that I agree 100% with what the Self-Esteem book has laid out as compassion, and that is how I’ve lived my life, even when I was LDS. My concerns lay with to what degree do we have to take that compassion. There must be some point where you have done your part and nothing more can be expected of you. I’m going to have to bring this up again because I need more discussion around it.

The next topic I brought up was from the Responding to Criticism. There is a concept discussed in the chapter that you should do when criticism is not constructive, nor is it accurate. They call it clouding, and it drives me “crazy.” My mom used to do it all the time, act as if she agreed, or would agree with only part of the conversation and then ignore the rest. I think it is completely dishonest and should never be used on those around you have to live or work with. Or on those that you have to see on a fairly regular basis. The book was not exactly clear on the constraints of when is appropriate. The example they use is a server having to deal with a customer that is just being a jerk, and she uses the clouding technique not to take the criticism to heart. Ok, I can see for that example it makes sense, but the book is not explicit in my feelings that it should only be used when you are dealing with a stranger or someone that doesn’t matter. For work, or a marriage, I can’t see that technique ever being valid. I feel you should always probe to understand the “real” complaint, and come to some agreement. The relationship is always worth the time and effort it takes to come to a common ground.

Also, if you ever do cloud a criticism by someone that you care about, what are they going to think if you aren’t following through with their criticism? It is going to make them think you don’t care about them or respect their opinion. It’s always just best to get to a common ground. The therapist asked a couple more questions about how the book explained it, and then agreed with my assessment. Clouding is only for one-time experiences.

That was the end of my third session, and it ended again at nice logical conclusion.
If anyone else has read the Self-Esteem book, I’d love to hear your thoughts and perhaps more detailed discussions about it.

(next up - psychiatrist visit and medication)

Post session 2 - cont. Distorted Thinking

2008-04-07T21:17:00.001-06:00

(Continuation of Therapy – Post Session 2)

Minding Reading – Another really big one from my religious days. I remember thinking that I knew what others were thinking or feeling without them saying so. I added that to my internal list when I threw out the religion stuff. For example, thinking you know and haven’t even had a conversation with the person. I used to think I was being “inspired” about that other person’s internal thoughts or feelings. It still pops up but I shut it down fairly quickly. The only thing that can trip me up on this one still, is when someone’s body language is sending out serious red flags during a conversation. I’m careful always to check with the person if I’m unsure about their feelings or thoughts. “I’m getting the feeling that X, am I off base here?” Again, this goes back to my “being honest with others” core value. It doesn’t hurt to have that extra communication with someone else, than having to “guess.”

Catastrophizing – Yeah, this is a big one for me. I knew it wasn’t “healthy” to allow myself to obsess over all the “what if” scenarios, but sometimes all that time spent thinking of disasters and alternate plans paid off. In the long haul though, if I tallied up all the time spent worrying, and the time saved when it paid off, it would be a huge net loss. This is why I’ve decided I need to reduce seriously the amount of thought time spent on this distorted belief or thought. Being prepared is one thing, but obsessing over every little possible thing that could go wrong, even down to things that could go wrong with a future conversation is a bit overkill. The thought process is amazingly useful for a programmer as I am, so I leverage it for work when designing, writing or testing code. I need to cut it back in my personal life though. It is a hard one for me, some of the events I’ve gone through just make is so difficult to catch this one fast.

Personalization – This is a two-part distortion. One part I picked up from my sister, always thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of a reaction to me. I’ve had that part on my internal list for a while. You can really see this one in play in my (May) post, when I kept thinking that the reason I wasn’t going to be allowed to play with my nephew anymore had something to do with something I had done. The second part to this distorted belief is always comparing myself with others, who’s smarter, faster, etc. I’ve had this part on my list for a few years now, but it still slips through, especially when I’m feeling low or missing deadlines. I’ll find myself mentally putting others down to allow myself to feel better, and that isn’t right. I shouldn’t need to put others down in order to feel better about myself. They’re trying just as hard as I am. It gets confusing when assessing my ability to complete a task, and having to estimate the timeline or ability of a co-worker. It is hard not to do some comparison, and I think that is fine as long as it isn’t to help me feel better about myself. If it is for a realistic work schedule, fine, otherwise, not so fine.

Control Fallacies – Wow, another huge religious one, and more specifically LDS. For so many years, I gave up all control of my life and lived by the “will” of God. I had no control over my life, a helpless victim of fate. This was just terrible on my ability to cope with life. I tossed this one out with the religious stuff. The other side of this one gets me all the time. I so often feel responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around me. Having to play superman at work all the time, soothe neighbor’s anger or hurts towards my parents; take responsibility for my sister’s happiness and chores. This one bites me all the time. It plays havoc with my core belief of being honest. My internal loyalties to others are in a constant battle with being honest about the situation. Four weeks ago, I was caught in a nasty internal deadlock between covering an ex-co-workers ass and being honest with my boss about the state of some work. It was terrible. I’ve put in some strong mental sentries on this one now. Anytime I feel responsible for something, I now run down a mental checklist to see if I really am responsible for it, or if I just assumed the responsibility.

Fallacy of fairness – Another big one from my sister; her crying her eyes dry of hours on end, saying that it’s just not fair, why can’t others see that it isn’t fair. I was always disgusted by how blatant she used this one against me. It was yet another great manipulation to get me to do things her way, or allow her to take advantage of any situation. Absolutely this one automatically surfaces from time to time, but it’s been on my internal shutdown list for a very long time. Where it can still sometimes get me, and I’m not sure if I need to be concerned with this (I’m going to have to bring it up in therapy to get more context around it), is when looking at community standards or the justice system. Life isn’t fair, but shouldn’t we strive for fairness in our government and laws? I guess it’s the difference between the philosophical “fairness” and “boo hoo, it’s just not fair, why won’t anyone believe me that it isn’t fair,” or “the world is always against me.” I shut those last two internal statements down quick.

Blaming – Some might say I’ve been nursing this one in the last couple of posts by pointing out the “sources” of my deluded thoughts. But you see, it’s not so much as blaming them as I’m identifying, and also giving example of where they have been used against me, and not only when I’ve used them against myself. That ever present inner critic, just loves using all these against myself. Ok, back to blaming or holding others responsible for my pain or blaming myself for others pain and problems. You know, really, personally and deep down, I just don’t suffer from this one very often. I really don’t like the victim thing. My sister was so gratuitous in how she suffered from both sides of the blame game; it just never rubbed off on me much. I’m sure others can disagree with me, point to my blog writing, and say that I’m playing the victim. I just don’t see it that way; I’m honestly trying to portray the events in my life to the best of my abilities. At work, I might suffer a bit from the blame game when I’ve taken over someone else’s code and responsibilities. That only surfaces when they have not followed through with what was agreed upon, then I’ll be honest and point out that the work is half-assed. If they honestly did their best, than I accept it for what it is.

Shoulds – Arg! This used to hose me big time. Up until a year ago, I had all these ironclad rules about how I should and others should live and act. I would really let it affect me internally when others didn’t follow those rules. I’d always try my best to not be outwardly angry or hold it against them, but internally it bothered me. Of course, the real kicker is when you are internally holding others against those rules, it is automatic to judge yourself a hypocrite when you have to bend or break those rules yourself. In my case I wouldn’t bend or break them, they just broke me instead. I still can suffer from this one, and it is so hard. LDS lifestyle is so full of shoulds and luckily, I threw most of them out with the religion. Again this is another topic I’m going to have to bring up with my therapist because, I need to know how to balance an internal “should” with a community, societal, or philosophical should. Is there a difference? Should (should should should) everyone strive to be honest with themselves (not allow themselves to suffer from distorted thinking or beliefs) and be honest with others? My only core belief, am I still suffering from a “should” there?

Emotional Reasoning – My mom suffered and still suffers from this one, and so do I to in a different area and degree though. She always trusted 100% what she felt, must be true. Even in spite of any and all evidence to the contrary. I don’t do this at all. I do suffer a little bit from it in a social aspect. If I feel that I’m acting or looking dumb / foolish, it is easy for me to think it is really, because I am that way. Some people really suffer from this one, they feel stupid, and therefore they think they must be stupid. Etc. Not so much for me, I’m confident in my abilities, except for social situations with strangers. There I think it is more other issues than emotional reasoning. I know I’m good one on one, or with a group of people that I’ve met before. So, I don’t “really” think that I suck at socializing. It’s just with people I don’t know; it’s a trust issue I think more than an internal image.

Fallacy of change – Yeah, here is a fun one from my dad, mom, sister, church, etc. People are not going to change to suit you, even if you pressure or cajole them enough. Seriously. People only change themselves when they want to, and there is nothing anyone else can do to make that happen. As you can see, I don’t personally suffer from this one. There is a flip side to this one and that is feeling the need to change others because you feel your happiness depends on them. Still doesn’t come up for me very often, rarely perhaps. This is another topic for my therapist and me because again how does this fit in with making change happen at a community level? Community vs. Individual might be where the line is drawn.

Global Thinking – My family is big into this one. It can get confused with overgeneralization, but it deals more at a individual level instead of event level. It is when you general one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. I’ve had this on my internal list for a while, but it still will sneak through every once and a while. Anytime I find myself doing this I quickly put my “judgment” on hold and try to find positive qualities in a person. Everyone is trying to live life the best they can. Really, they are, sometimes it might be hard to see, but they are.

Being Right – This one is so embarrassing, I just have to think back on my first 3 jobs. Again, my family and the LDS church are heavy into this one. Always on trial to prove your opinions and actions are correct, or going to any length to demonstrate your rightness. I’ve had this on my list since 1997 when I made a huge mistake at work and just couldn’t admit it to others or even myself. Wow, it is one of the “flash-back” moments I’ll sometimes suffer from. This one is always there as a default thought, and I have to work hard to keep it down. I always have to remember that perhaps I don’t have all the information, and that it is ok to be wrong. This one really flips me back into my life with my sister. I was never, ever right around her. I had to fight so hard to keep my sanity around her, because some days I really didn’t know what was up or down around her. It is funny, because when playing a game or doing some low level competition, I love to lose. It tells me I have more to learn, and that is what I crave, learning. For some reason that doesn’t always translate to my thinking on other things.

Heaven’s (or future) reward fallacy – Big, big, big in the LDS church. Everything in life is for some pay off after death. Or if you just hunker down for a little bit longer, it will all pay off soon. Yeah, I suffer from this often. Not the after death part, that is so bogus, but I’ll find myself forgetting to “smell the roses” or enjoy the experience because I’m so focused on that payoff that is just around the corner. My parents fell for this huge with all the health scams and multi-level marketing stuff. Life is for living, not for acquiring. Find some way to enjoy the day to day stuff.

(next post session 3 of therapy)

Therapy (post session 2)

2008-04-06T20:28:00.001-06:00

(Continuation of Therapy session 2.)

I walked out at the end of my second session excited for the next week. I had in my hands techniques, book suggestions, homework, and a name for a psychiatrist. I met my wife down in the parking lot, and asked her if we could stop by the bookstore on the way home. On our way to the bookstore I started reading over the papers I was given.

The first section was about Thought Stopping techniques. They are for anytime I’m aware that I’m entertaining (yay! Party in my head) thoughts that are unwanted, negative, etc, or are out of proportion to reality (possibly totally fantasy). You are supposed to either say stop out-loud or imagine the voice in your head. Along with this, you can think of a big red stop sign, and even wear a rubber band around your wrist to snap whenever you need to stop your thoughts.

I think the rubber band thing is a bit much, if your thoughts are already about people thinking you are strange, always wearing a rubber band around your wrist isn’t going to help your image. In addition, it mentioned not to snap it too hard, I imagine suggesting that you cause yourself a little small pain is probably safe, but what if someone decided they really like it. Then they are going to walk around snapping that rubber band harder and harder. Again, this can’t be good for you image. You already think you are “crazy,” letting others know it for a fact is not a good plan.

All silliness aside, I felt a bit validated by this first section. I had been employing my own internal thought stopping process for many years now. I use it when I find myself “flashing” back to a past event in my life, when I am obsessing over a previously “worked out” thought (something that I already analyzed, figured out the whys, and made a decisions about), starting to mentally panic, or don’t have the time right then to dig into a thought. First, I’ll close my eyes and try to make my mind fade to black. If that doesn’t work, I’ll tell myself in my mind to Stop! Following that up with a very quiet but out-loud “shhhhhh” if it is needed.

I do have to be very careful with my thought stopping techniques though, it can be a fairly nasty trigger back to my LDS childhood. All the dumb little stupid ideas that are repeated, over and over, in Primary or by my parents, to supposedly help you “avoid” temptations or from doing or thinking “bad” thoughts. Singing a song in my head or out-loud, thinking of a scripture or reciting one from memory, or start saying a prayer is totally out; as if that wasn’t obvious. Sometimes just that idea that I’m trying to “control” my thinking puts me right back into my childhood with my sister. So, over the years I’ve found some specific techniques that work for me and don’t make the situation worse.

Focusing on the here and now was the next section and is for after you have done a thought stopping technique.

Look around at the forms, colors, light patterns that surround me. Don’t think about the actual things you are seeing, just focus on the color, shape, or pattern.
Focus on the sounds around you.
Focus on your touch sense. The texture of cloth or your skin, touch something, focus on your feet pressing against the floor.

The general idea here is to bring you back into reality, and to distract yourself from picking up the original thought again. I felt even more validated this time, because I have been doing those exact things after stopping a thought. I like to look around the room and count all the items with a specific color, or find shapes. Feeling the tendons in my hands or tracing a vein in my arm with my eyes works well. I’m guessing that you might have to be careful you don’t get yourself into a ritual, if you are susceptible to compulsion. However, I’ve never had a problem with that.

The next section explained Diaphragmatic breathing. You know, eight second inhale through the nose and eight second exhale through “straw shaped” lips. Again, this was something I do throughout the day as well, whenever I feel stressed, or have been working on a tricky piece of code for a few hours. I like to close my eyes, sit up straight, and start breathing quietly. It’s a good way to have a little meditation session and clear the mind before starting another task. The section also mentioned thinking calming words and sentences, images or phrases. I don’t really like to do this; it might be a good idea for others though. My main goal is to clear out the brain with my own chatter; the last thing I want is more words floating around in there.

Finally was the biggest surprise and validation of the entire day, the list of distorted thoughts. I read though each of the 15 listed out on the paper and read their descriptions. I realized that throughout my life I had suffered from each one of those thoughts, some more than others. Some of them I had already recognized over the years as being “dishonest” thoughts, others I had suspicions about their usefulness or validity. Some, I had decided to allow to be continued to be processed because they had a minor success rate. Others I had thrown out of my “valid” thought list many years ago. When I have blogged in the past, or talked to others and said I only have one main core belief and that is being honest, honest with myself and honest with others. That “honest with myself” part was I, not allowing myself to have, what this paper was calling distorted thoughts. There it was in black and white. I had always believed that some of those thoughts were just plain dishonest, and here they were.

I had validation at last! I could finally put into words this thought process I had been “suffering” from all my life. I thought I had been suffering from something that isn’t healthy, but actually, I had been doing CBT nearly my entire life. I had this internal list of “dishonest” (distorted) thoughts that I was ever vigilant in trying to identify. As soon as I started to feel bad, sad, anxious, depressed, etc, I would try to figure if it was because of one of these distorted thoughts. If it was, I would automatically force myself to think of the opposite or a more realistic outlook on the situation. This in turn would return my feelings back to the “neutral” or previous level they were at before I had the emotion change. I had been doing this for so long, this all happens in an eye blink of time for those thoughts that I had on my internal shutdown list.

Now I had more proof that some of these other suspect thoughts were actually in the end not helpful, dishonest or distorted. I had been allowing them to take up some of my mental thought processing time, and now I could just add them to my internal list and stop worrying about them. I’ll discuss this a bit more a little later, because I talk about this with my therapist in session 3.

I’m sitting in the car reading over these papers as my wife is driving to the bookstore. Every few sentences that I read, I’m talking out-loud to my wife explaining what the suggestions are, and how I’ve been doing these things already. I’m telling her all about the specifics of what I do and now I can explain the why. It was nice finally to be able to have words to explain what has been going on in my head all these years. I’ve been living inside my head my entire life and until you see your own thought process out there in print, it can be very difficult to explain all the intricacies.

Filtering – Oh my, how my sister used this on an hourly basis. This is one that affected me for a couple of years when I was very young. I was emulating my sister for a while, but then I realized that it wasn’t “honest.” I can remember her running into her room quite often, crying her eyes out and sobbing out-loud that I hated her, and only did mean and bad things. Or that our older brother A, was only ever mean to her. She was filtering out the good and only accepting the bad of situations. It was a great manipulation to use on me for many years, since it would make me feel sorry for her and end up giving her the thing she wanted, or doing her chores, allowing her to get her way. Part of the time, I think she honestly suffered from this distorted thought, and other times I know she was just manipulating me. Because it was being used against me often, I realized early on in my life that it wasn’t honest and I needed to be very careful to always look at the “big picture,” the good with the bad. This is a tough one though, and comes up as a natural thought (belief) fairly often, but my defenses are strong against it, I usually catch it and dispose of it without any effort.

Polarized thinking – I can thank the LDS church and my dad for this one. Not everything is black or white, good or bad. I don’t have to be perfect to be a success, and failure is not defined by not being perfect. A lot of this one went away when I finally threw away all the religious garbage in my head. It does pop up occasionally when I’m having a hard time at work. My dad required perfection from those around him, and from himself, especially with regards to work. This one was already on my internal list to watch out for, and to combat it I force myself to think about less than perfect results and what would “really” happen if those occurred. I try to think of multiple success criteria when doing tasks so that I don’t feel I have to be perfect to be successful.

Overgeneralization – Conclusions based upon a single incident or piece of evidence everything must follow the same. This is a tough one and an easy one for me. I hadn’t added this to my automatic internal shutdown list yet, because I felt it was somewhat useful in specific instances. I would allow this one to pass on through and let it process a bit to see what feelings would follow. My mom was heavy into this one with her “anti-science” health woo stuff. So, for those instances I knew that a personal experience (anecdote) is not enough to make a conclusion. That was the easy part. The hard part of this one is to remember that just because “all” or most of my experiences (more than one for a specific conclusion) have been a certain way, doesn’t mean that all experiences will follow suit. I try to remember the rules for statistics and chance, and that seems to help. I still have personal and social trust issues because of my experiences, is it overgeneralization? To a certain degree, yeah, it is, but boy howdy, it is difficult not to fall for it.

(I’ll continue the list of 15, and how they affect me in the next post)

Therapy (session 2)

2008-04-05T18:55:00.001-06:00

(Continuation of Therapy.)

It was time for my second therapy session. I was invited into the office, and took a seat on the half-couch. At first I thought perhaps the couch thing was heated, then I remembered that someone was probably sitting where I was sitting just a few minutes before. I was slightly weirded out by this realization and my therapist asked how my week had been. I’m certain this is their way of getting the session going.

I started by saying that I was a little disappointed in my first session of therapy. I had hoped that they would have done some of the talking at first. I explained again that I’ve never been to therapy before, so I don’t know how it works and I needed a bit of framework around how I should expect a session to flow and progress. I then mentioned that I brought a list with me of the things I needed answers for, expectations and goals that I want out of therapy. I took out my talking points and quickly said that it might look like a long list, but really, it is just wordy to help me remember the context of my question and thoughts. I then asked if it would be ok for me to go quickly over my list. I started discussing each of my talking points, and about halfway through the therapist asked if I wanted answers after each item, or if I wanted them to wait till the end. I decided that I wanted them to wait until the end, that way I would feel better if I at least was able to let them know what I needed from them. The therapist accepted my request, and I went over each item and goal on my list. I also added a couple more items on the fly that I had thought of since I had last printed out my list.

On your website you mention Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Psychodynamic as the modalities that you specialize in. Can you explain them to me so I will know what to expect.
Are you interested in why I specifically chose you as my therapist?
What about medication; I know you aren’t trained or allowed to discuss actual medication, but now hearing about some of my past and some of the issues I’m facing, would you suggest I see a psychiatrist?
I also explained that I am a goal-oriented person. I am successful with goals and structure.

It felt so good to have all my needs and expectations out in the open. Luckily, I went through my list fast enough that there was time for them to respond to some of my points. First they praised me on being organized and bringing a list of things I wanted to talk about first. They were also very happy to see and hear I had thought of some goals I wanted out of therapy. I’m guessing that most people have so much stuff bottled up and have such a strong need just to talk about stuff, that they are just used to having to listen for the first few sessions.

Then they discussed Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which it is science based, has studies, evidence and has followed the scientific process to show that it is successful in helping with depression and anxiety. This made me very happy; this is what I wanted. CBT is based on the theory that thoughts can control or change our feelings. They gave me a couple papers stapled together and then asked me if I was willing to do some “homework.” Of course, I was willing to do homework, read, keep notes, I don’t care what it is; I want to make changes. The papers contained some tips on Coping Skills: Thought stopping, Focusing on the here and now, and Diaphragmatic breathing with and without words, images, and autogenic phrases. Finally on the last page was an explanation of my homework assignment.

I needed to write down some things throughout the day into 5 different columns. They suggested that since I’m at a computer most of the time a spreadsheet might work best. As soon as I realized I was feeling bad (depressed, anxious, sad, angry, etc), I was to write down Antecedent events, what came before my feelings, triggers or clues. Then I was to write down in the next column the Beliefs, what I was thinking immediately and automatically. There was a list of 15 “common” distorted thinking beliefs that I should watch out for, but there might also be my own that I should try to capture. I’m not sure about copyright of these 15 items so I’m just going to list them out without the descriptions:

Filtering
Polarized thinking
Overgeneralization
Mind reading
Catastrophizing
Personalization
Control fallacies
Fallacy of fairness
Blaming
Shoulds
Emotional reasoning
Fallacy of change
Global labeling
Being right
Heaven’s (or future) reward fallacy

In the next column, I’m then supposed to write down the Consequences, my feelings as a result of what I was thinking. The next column was for me to write down a statement that would make me Decide to change my current thinking in column Beliefs. Finally, in the last column write down the feelings I Ended up with because I changed my thinking.

After explaining my homework assignment and making sure I understood what was being asked of me, they wrote down two book suggestions. Mathew McKay wrote both of the books: “Self Esteem” and “Thoughts and Feelings.” The Self Esteem book was highly recommended, if I could only get one book it should be that one. It would contain additional information regarding the CBT process and would be very helpful to me. I was warned that it might be in the self-help section of the bookstore, but the book wasn't like a normal self-help book; there was actual science behind the techniques and suggestions of the book. I was excited to have suggestions of books to read and some quick information and homework already.

They then explained that Psychodynamic is the term used to explain the relationship between patient and therapist. It was about dealing with the intangible, thoughts and feelings. I felt a little more comfortable with this explanation, since the article on Wikipedia wasn’t as clear as I had hoped. They also mentioned that they weren’t LDS, but didn’t let on to their religion. I was all right with this, as long as it didn’t interfere with the therapy process, and as long as they weren’t LDS.

Finally, they said that studies have shown that medication and therapy when used together are more successful than either alone is. I’m not sure if they meant in all cases, or in cases like mine, I guess it really doesn’t matter because at a minimum they were referring to my situation. They gave me a name of a psychiatrist that I should try to make an appointment in the next week or two. This made me very happy. I’m all for taking advantage of all that science has to offer.

That was the end of my session. It was concluded at a very nice and logical stopping point. I felt I had materials in my hands right then that I could start working on to make a difference. I had a couple book suggestions I could go buy and start reading. I also had a name of a psychiatrist that I was excited to go see. Finally, I felt I was on track to having changes made in my life.

(continue with a post covering the following of session 2)

Therapy

2008-04-04T21:56:00.001-06:00

Four weeks ago, I started going to therapy with a psychologist. I finally realized that all the reasons I hadn't gone in my past were actually invalid reasons now. There are so many thoughts and conclusions that I've had to re-think, re-analyze over the past year, and I finally got around to questioning my past decisions to not go to therapy. I wrote about part of those thoughts and feelings in my "Life is a test" post.

I have never been to therapy before in my life, so I spent a few days doing research online trying to find a therapist that I would feel comfortable with seeing. I had some requirements in mind that I felt would shorten the large list of therapists in my city. First, they had to be a licensed psychologist. I didn't want a counselor, mentor or "life coach." I wanted someone that had a PhD in psychology or at least a PsyD. I wanted someone that specialized in depression and anxiety or fears. I didn't really want anyone that went to school here in Idaho; I really wanted someone that graduated from a "largish" school. Not that there is anything wrong with Idaho schools, but my life has been the definition of bizarre and I wanted to make sure that the person I went to wasn't going to use me to further their career. Preferably, I wanted someone that had lived and worked in at least two major cities. They needed to have at least 10 years working experience as a psychologist. I didn't want to be so unique in their career that they wouldn't know how to deal with me. I was looking for a couple keywords in their descriptions of their therapy, mainly goal oriented and evidence-based. I decided that a bonus would be if they were part of the science community, taught, published peer-reviewed articles, or done research in their past. I wasn't looking to be part of a current study, but I wanted them to know how science actually worked. Finally, they couldn't be LDS, or "faith" focused in anyway. I didn't want someone that mentioned the "good life" or being able to help with spiritual issues.

My list of choices was quickly narrowed down to 3 or 4. I then looked to see what insurance they each accepted. I had 5 free sessions available to me through work if they participated in that "network." That brought my choice down to 1. I really hate the phone, so I decided to send an email to have them call me back. By the end of the day, I had an appointment scheduled in the following week. I asked the therapist if they would like me to email a document to them that would give them a "highlight" of some past events in my life; maybe it would help them get up to speed on why I'm seeking their services. I had taken all my personal history posts from this blog and combined them into one word document. They said they were interested in reading what I had written, so I emailed that off to them. I'm not quite sure they were expecting a 60,000 word document to arrive in their inbox, but I wanted to get this process the best chances of succeeding. I could just imagine the months it would take me to sit there and share that entire context in 50 minute sessions; it would be so much easier for them just to read it. Not that I didn't want to talk about the past, this way the discussion could be a little more focused.

My first session with my therapist was not close to what I expected it would be like. I was hoping they would start by explaining a little about what I might expect to happen during a session; Give me some kind of a framework or guideline to expect. I hoped they might ask why I chose them specifically, maybe seek to understand what I was looking for in a therapist. Ask what I was hoping to accomplish by going to therapy. Nope, none of that happened. I started by telling them I had never been to therapy before, ever. Then they told me to start talking a little bit about myself. I asked if they had read the document I sent a week ago. They responded by saying they hadn't read it in detail very much, and just skimmed through it, and told me they "were a slow reader." This really caught me off guard, so I decided I'd do my best to cover the highlights of my past. Before I knew it 50 minutes had passed by, and the session was over. Briefly they said this is what therapy is like, would I like to schedule another appointment for next week. I was shocked, but I really wanted to give this my best effort. I said yes, I do want to continue, but there are some constraints but there wasn't any time to delve into them. I had already decided I was going to go for 5 sessions anyway, so maybe the next one would go better.

I decided that the next session I would take control from the beginning of the session. I needed some very specific concerns and questions answered before I wanted just to "talk" about my past and me. I had to feel like I was on track and make sure this was the therapist that was going to be able to help me. I made a list of questions I wanted to ask and discuss for the next session and a list of long-term goals I wanted to accomplish by going to therapy. Here are my rough talking points and goals:

I don't feel there is going to be an "ah ha" moment by my just talking out loud and having you rephrase what I say back at me. I don't have a problem understanding my past, or analyzing why I do or feel certain ways. I have already tried everything I can think of, I need additional suggestions and tools to change. Talking about is just not going to cut it.
I understand I will have to spend considerable amount of time talking and getting you up to speed on my past and current situations. I'm willing to do that, because you'll be able to give me suggestions of what to try next if you understand the context of my past. Right now though, today or in the next week, I need to feel like I'm on track with getting myself help. I don't want to spend the next 4 (free to my wallet) sessions just talking about myself and then realize I need to go to someone else.
Realizing actual reasons for things does help me somewhat. Knowing why, or that others aren't different from me, doesn't help. How do I just live life without making myself sick all the time or suffer mental anguish and physical pain?
I can fake it, I can look like I fit in with society, but it comes at huge costs of personal time, energy and suffering. How do I decrease those costs? I don't enjoy society because of those costs.
If I have to live like this, so be it. I've done it this long, and I can do it for longer if I have to. Please let me know as soon as possible so I don't waste my time.
Terms you use are going to mean something else to me. Terms I use might mean something else to you. Please help me understand what you are asking; stop me early if you feel I'm answering your question in a way that shows I'm misunderstanding your question or terms. Please ask for more context around a term I use you don't recognize or understand. I don't know any different, seriously. I haven't gone to therapy, I don't know anything about it.
Is it appropriate for me to care or ask if you follow a certain religion, or at least I'm hoping considering where you have lived and gone to school the chances are fairly low that you are LDS.

Goals:

I don't like feeling I'm in fight or flight mode as much as feel I am.
I don't like analyzing every little thing I say or do. Too self critical, I always expect perfection from myself in what I say or re-act to others.
I need to be able to do things without sabotaging myself, or putting myself into fight or flight mode to get things done. Especially things that require me to "take" responsibility for others work or mistakes. Do I even have to do that?
I'd like to find or have a social life of some kind. I don't know what that really means, but I think I'm might like it anyways. How do I find that, especially with my view on religion? I don't respect irrationality at all.

I was prepared for my second session and I hoped they wouldn't be offended by me taking control of the session right off the bat. I needed answers and I wanted to feel comfortable before I moved forward with them.

(I'll continue this post tomorrow with how the session went and maybe talk about the following couple sessions.)

ARG!

2008-03-18T19:49:00.001-06:00

God has blessed you with skills and talents. ARG! Nothing makes me want to scream, or gets me fuming mad more than hearing someone say that to me. My abilities have come at a huge cost of dedicated time and energy. I have worked and sacrificed, pulled myself out of an education hole by my fingernails. My expertise and “talents” were not giving to me. I have them because I have earned them though my efforts. I didn’t expect my job to train me. I didn’t expect for others to teach me. I spent every waking minute for 15 years to know and do what I do now.

That phrase belittles my own accomplishments and gives others comfort for their laziness. They feel an entitlement for me to work harder than they do, because obviously, I was “gifted” with my abilities and things are so much easier for me.

I just want to scream.

Social Influence

2008-03-15T17:51:00.001-06:00

Someone pointed me to Working Psychology the other day. It has interesting material on social influence and cults. I haven't spent enough time reading through the site to have anything of importance to say about the material. I just thought I'd share the link.

Life is a test

2008-03-14T16:36:00.001-06:00

Religion really screws up the brain. You are told all these stupid little things that are supposed to make you feel better. Really, they are all just lies and ways they can control and manipulate you more.

“You are never tested beyond that you can handle.” I was told that more times than I care to try to count, over all the years of my life so far. Well, no more. That is a bunch of crap.

It was said by some to be helpful and uplifting. They were trying to imbue a sense that you are stronger than the circumstances, and not alone. Someone else is watching out for you, just trust in him, and everything will work out all right. For others it was said as a slight against your character. You’re being a wimp, don’t complain, buck up and move on. Of course, what wasn’t said but always meant was, “If you need help, you are weak, because the Lord won’t test you beyond what you can handle.”

Asking for outside help was sign of weakness and a cause for others to judge you as not righteous enough. Sure, they would say upfront that some people were born with “imbalances” or had physical issues, and it was all right for them to get help. By seeking outside help, you were admitting that there must be something wrong with you, or showing your lack of faith.

Everyone that has ever told me that, is wrong. It is a tool for them to keep others in line, a power play for control. They are miserable themselves, and they don’t want others to seek happiness or help. It allowed them to feel justified in not helping. "Everyone is tried and tested, it isn't my place to get involved. I'm too busy dealing with my own trials." What a bunch of jerks.

It’s all a bunch of crap. There isn’t someone out there watching over me. No one is making sure that the things that happen to me are things that I am “strong” enough to handle. Life isn’t a test. We don’t have to suffer through things, or put on a strong front. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help.

More about morals

2008-03-05T10:30:00.001-07:00

Two days ago, I posted my thoughts on a post made by Greta Christina. She clarifies her point in the comment section:

I'm not arguing that all theists are wonderful and deeply moral. I'm arguing that theism does not automatically make people morally childish... and atheism does not automatically make people morally mature. Boy, howdy, does it not.

I completely agree with this, no argument. She also gives another very good comment further defining what can go wrong:

Atheists are perfectly capable of being deluded by a belief system -- patriotism, political ideology, etc. -- into going against our moral instincts. And we're perfectly capable of coming up with rationalizations and justifications for why our immoral actions weren't really immoral.
We don't do this for supernatural beliefs, and we don't use supernatural justifications, and I think there are some major advantages to that. But supernatural beliefs aren't the only ones that can make people lose their moral compass... and supernatural believers are most definitely not the only people who do.

Her post has really caused me to think about morals, ethics and my definition of Atheism. There is just something here I just can't leave alone in my head. I fully agree and accept what she is saying, and it causes more questions. I'm not a trained philosopher, so I'll probably get some concepts completely mixed up, like morals vs. ethics. I do not think I am more moral than anyone else is. I do not think I have all the answers to how to live a moral, ethical and good life. I'm honestly trying to do what is right, not only because something feels right, but because I can logically and rationally weigh my actions to make sure I'm not harming others. Does that make me an atheist? No. Does that define all atheists? No.

When Greta was saying that an Atheist and a Theist both physically have the same source for morals, I was placing my own values in the spot where she said Atheist. This was a mistake on my part. Stating you are an Atheist does not imply any other belief structures that a person might hold. It does not imply a person's views of where they believe morals come from. All you know about an Atheist is that they don't believe any God exists. End of story. So, because all humans have a physical source for morals, we as a whole, all humans, are generally moral. Atheists and Theists alike can be deluded by other belief structures, except an Atheist is deluded by one less belief structure than a Theist is. Does that one less possible delusion grant an atheist a higher moral ground? No.

Do all atheists believe that morals come from nature? Is that a belief that I can place under the Atheist umbrella? Do we have to keep the definition of Atheist clean, and only have it mean we don't believe in any gods? I think Sam Harris makes a decent argument that "Atheist" isn't a good definition of our beliefs, only our disbeliefs, so I won't really go into it. Jonathan Miller also discusses this point in his "The Atheists Tapes."

I understand and accept because of physical attributes, nature, that humans have morals. Can this knowledge help me make more decisions that are moral? Does it free me up to see that other belief structures can also delude my "moral compass?" I can answer this for myself, YES it has, and does. Does that apply to other Atheists as well? Will others use this knowledge to improve their lives and decision making process? By calling oneself an Atheist, imply that we use rational thought to guide our lives?

Atheists don't hold a monopoly on this belief either, some Theists can and do accept that morals have a physical source.

I just think that by calling myself an Atheist, I'm also declaring at the same time that I, by default, accept this fact about where morals come from. I am a rational, logical, and thinking human being. I'm aware of other belief systems that could delude me just as much as believing in a god. If I need to find another term to describe this behavior, please let me know. After reading Richard Carrier's book: "Sense & Goodness without God", I'm tempted to just call myself a Metaphysical Naturalist or a Secular Humanist. Would others understand my belief structure better if I did?

One last thing to add, I finally figured out why I can't let this topic fade from my mind. Morals and ethics was what led me to atheism. It was and is the only thing that matters to me. I had to understand how people that said they were following what they said morals and ethics came from, could treat others so poorly. I needed to understand because I didn't want to have to treat others that way, or have to use those same rationalization or justifications. I didn't want to teach my children that they had to treat others like that either. It was the evidence (discovered through the scientific process,) that morals are innate to humans and they are methods of survival. That was when I finally embraced atheism. It was what I had believed and discovered on my own, and now finally here was the proof. There is no justification or rationality for treating others immorally or unethically.

The source of morality

2008-03-03T08:37:00.001-07:00

Greta Christina (content on her site might not be safe for work) has a post about, The Not So Logical Conclusion: On the Morality of Atheists and Believers. She makes the following point:

If this is true -- if morality is largely hard-wired by our human genetics into our human brains -- then that's true for all of us, across the board. Theists and atheists alike.

She does a good job of making the point and defending it. I agree with her point, and have felt the same way for many years. It was one of the main questions that I had to find an answer for, from my past. She is approaching the morality topic from people doing good things. I see one problem though, just because we share the same basic physical morality, we don’t share the same “social” implications of morality, or memes of morality.

Let me approach it from the other way. What happens when an atheist screws up and does something wrong? They know they have personal responsibility to undo, fix or compensate for their actions. The person that was harmed is the only one that can grant forgiveness. They don’t have a super-natural force they can blame the actions on, or to justify their actions. They are the ones that screwed up; they find fault in themselves and try to fix it. They believe that it is natural to want to do good works, and they don’t need an outside force to help them to do good works. Humans by default aren’t “sinners.” “Evil” (selfish acts that hurt others or community) cannot be blamed on super-natural forces.

By accepting that morality comes from nature, it is easier to define what is and isn’t moral. It is harder to find outside justifications for not being moral. It forces you to be honest with yourself about the driving factors of your desires. Feelings can be identified and accepted; actions can be taken because of rational thought, not just out of feelings themselves. Just because something feels right or moral, isn’t a good enough reason to take action. God is not there to sort things out, or fix your mistakes, or give your actions justification. You must think before doing.

I guess this is my point: Morality might come from the exact same physical source, how we re-act to those “moral” reward centers are not the same. If we don’t accept that nature is the source of morality, then it is far too easy to misidentify our feelings of morality.

I'm going to take what Neil deGrasse Tyson said in his, In the Beginning essay:

So what is true for life itself is no less true for the universe: knowing where you came from is no less important than knowing where you are going.

He was talking in regards to where life came from, where are our beginnings. To me it also pertains to the source of morality. Knowing where it comes from is just as important as what you do with it. Knowing the natural causes can help me make better decisions.

Stavros Isaiadis recently had a similar post on his blog regarding God and Morality.

More Church Stuff

2008-03-02T18:03:00.001-07:00

Please be warned that this post contains details about my life that some might not be interested in reading. Any post marked as personal will contain events that are just that, personal. Feel free to continue reading only if you want to hear about my life. This post also deals with things that could be fairly foreign to anyone that isn't familiar with the LDS church (mormons.)

My Life timeline: Church

When I was 8-10 I was involved in the cub scouts. The LDS church has a special award that cub scouts can receive. In my ward at the time, nearly all the cub scouts worked to receive this award, and usually they were successful. One of the requirements for the award is you need to write fifty words or more what it means to "Do your duty to God." Here is what I wrote: "Faith in God means to me to attend church regular. To say prayers day and night. To read the Book of Mormon and to keep the commandments. To get other people that nobody plays with and play with them, and don't beat up on smaller kids, be nice to them." Fifty words on the dot. I didn't like being picked on, and I felt it was my duty to play with the ones that weren't being played with. For me I have always seen faith as an action. Duty to God and Faith in God meant exactly the same thing to me; you show your faith by doing what is right. It is fun to see that my memory of how I felt at the time was accurate, not that I was in doubt of my memory.

Here is the blessing I received shortly after I was born, when I was given my name.

"<name here> you will be known by this name on the records on earth and on the records in heaven, and we give you a blessing through the power of the Holy Melchizedek priesthood that we hold. We bless you with health and strength and every blessing there is to bless you with. We bless you that you will grow up strong and be able to preach the gospel and be listed among the strong and powerful and have authority to teach and be a good example of righteousness. You will live when there is pestilence and tribulations upon the earth. A time of trouble, but you will have every blessing and opportunity at this time to live a normal life. You will be baptized and as time goes on you will take a companion that is righteous to the temple. You will have the opportunity to have, teach and train a righteous family. As your parents have well taught and trained you in the ways of the gospel. As time goes on you will be able to have all the priesthood. We bless you that you will be a servant in the hands of the Lord throughout your entire life. We bless you to have parents that will understand you and give you guidance in every way"

Well there you have it. Pretty hard core, right out of the gate. You just have to love my dad blessing me to live in times of pestilence and tribulations. That is pretty awesome.

All right, here are some writings from my dad when he was in the bishopric in 1965-66 in Sandy, Utah, eighth ward. They were printed in the Messenger, I guess the ward newsletter or something at the time. It was 11 years before I was born.

Prepare in Season (October 1966)
Fall is in the air. It is the time of the year when the mountains, valleys and nature prepare for the period of scarcity. The trees in the mountains are losing the beautiful greens by giving way to elaborate reds, yellows and browns. Yes, soon they will be barren for a season. Some of them will survive the cold harsh winter and some will not.
The valleys have given up their bounteous crops to man, fulfilling their creation in every detail. Without the labor of man there would not have been a harvest produced for his survival. Someone had to labor in order to provide these blessings for him.
Just as the season provide a specific time to labor, so is there a specific time when we must labor. Tomorrow may not provide the same opportunity. Just as we do not plant crops out of season as it is not right, so we must not say. "If I were so and so, I would do it thus and thus"; but as it is not our season, our crop fails and has no fruit.
Oh how much better would we be if we were like Mother Nature and produce abundantly in our seasons. When Mother Nature gets out of hand, she kills that very fruit of her loom and everyone suffers. But if she takes care, we have greatness and abundant blessings for all.
May we all produce in our very season that which is asked of us, abundantly, so that our Father in Heaven may be glorified by His people.

Wow. You like the bit about Mother Nature getting out of hand and kills everything? We had better produce in our season or our Father in Heaven might get "out of hand." My dad was always good with uplifting messages.

Who's on the Lords side in 1966
As we draw the old year to a close, we can surely ask the question, "Who's on the Lord's side, who? Now is the time to show."
Collectively, the ward has not seen a better year than 1965! The chapel was paid for and dedicated. The Stake budget was met, the Regional Welfare assignments were fulfilled. The number of genealogical family group sheets turned in from our ward was the highest in the stake. More people prepared themselves and went to the Temple this past year.
Yes, the ward, collectively, has been more faithful.
Now let us look at 1966. We must succeed even more this coming year in order to progress. Individually, we must progress also. More could pay a full tithe; more could pay a full ward budget; more home teaching could be done. More family prayer could be said each day. More could say "yes" and "do" whatever they are asked. More could pitch in and make the burden lighter for the few have carried the load in the past.
Only a few paid a full tithe; a full budget; worked on the Stake Center; went to the Temple; attended meetings regularly. Only a few supported "all" the programs of the Church. To those few, the Lord has blessed greatly.
May we collectively say we are on the Lord's side, and individually, by our own works say, "I'm on the Lord's side for the whole year of 1966," is our prayer.
God bless us, everyone.

Yup. That was my dad.

What not to do when talking about death.

2008-03-02T15:58:00.001-07:00

My Life timeline: School

When I was 10, I was upstairs playing video games on our Atari 2600 system. I say "our", but my sister never played on it anymore, so it was more like mine. Anyways, I'm in our one room upstairs, which was our library, playing by myself. My mom comes up the metal circular stairs and stands right at the top on the landing. She says to me that she "might" have some bad news. I turn off the game, turnaround and stare at her for a minute. She is just standing there looking at me. I interpret her long pause as her having a hard time finding the right way to say something. I figure I'll help her out and start asking questions.

I ask her, "You have bad news? Is there something wrong with the family?" She tells me no. I wait a little longer, then ask "Is someone sick or hurt, and they are in the hospital?" Because when I was four or five my friend down the street was hit by a car when he was riding his bike. The driver hadn't known he had hit him, and kept on driving. My friend had been lying in the weeds off the side of the road for at least half an hour before our other neighbor recognized the bike on the side of the road. I remember making my friend a robot out of cardboard and tin foil and I had taken it to him when I visited him in the hospital. He was in a half body cast for a few months afterwards. During Primary, his parents brought in a slideshow as a "talk." They tape-recorded my friend narrating pictures of him in the hospital and at home in a half-body cast.

My mom said no, no one was sick or hurt. I waited again, and she just stood there. "Ok, is it something about one of my friends?" I had another friend when I was seven that had to spend the entire summer in a three-quarter body cast because he had been pinned between a wall and a car. His mom had accidently hit the gas instead of the brakes when they were stopping at a video store. My friend had jumped out of the car before it was shut off and he ran in between the car and the building. I had spent one day a week over at his house that summer to keep him company. I ended up spending most of my time protecting him from his older brother and other siblings. They liked to tease him since he was now an easy target. What a bunch of jerks. He ended up moving out of town later that year, down to Las Vegas. I called him a couple times shortly after he moved, but it was too expensive to call long distance and we lost track of each other.

My mom tells me, "I think so, but I'm not sure."
I reply, "You aren't sure?"
She says, "Right, I think I have bad news about one of your friends, but I'm not sure."
"Ok," I say, "You aren't sure, is it my friend JH. Is there anything wrong with JH?" At the time he was best friend.
"No, I don't think there is anything wrong with JH."
"Ok, how about KD, or TA?"
"No, it wasn't either of them."
"Ok can you just tell me then, do you really have bad news?"
"I think someone has died, and think he was your friend."
"Died, which one of my friends died?"
"I don't know for sure, did you know someone named DH?"
"Yes, I have invited him to my last 3 birthday parties and he has been at each one."
"Oh, I wasn't sure if you were friends with him."
"Yes, he was a good friend."
"Well I'm sorry, but he has died."
"Are you sure?! Because just a minute ago you said you weren’t sure."
"Oh, yes, I'm sure. I'm sorry; I just read it in the paper that he died from an accident."

He had been out shooting guns with one of this other friends, and they both had just come inside. He placed the gun that used to be his grandfathers before he died, on the bed. That gun reminded my friend of his grandfather who had meant so much to him. I can't remember the family situation for him very well, but I think his parents were divorced and his grandfather had been the father figure for him. He had laid his head right down next to the gun barrel, and thought he had placed the safety on, and removed all the bullets. Apparently there was one still in the chamber, and the gun went off on accident. That was the story they had received from this other friend that was with him at the time.

DH was the tallest and largest kid I knew in my grade. He had been held back a couple years in school and had dyslexia. Everyone always made fun of him, but I didn't. I was his friend and had always included him in with things that I did on the playground or at school. I even sat with him during recess to help him with some of his schoolwork. I remember when he worked so hard one quarter to turn what was going to be a D into C with my help. He had been so proud and he told me was going to take his report card home to his grandpa.

I went to the funeral, and there were a few other kids there from my grade. I felt so bad for his mom; she was blaming herself for letting him keep the gun. She knew how much it meant to him, but she also didn't want him to have it yet. DH had always been fascinated with hunting and guns. He always had bullets or spent .22 shells in his pockets. Looking back, I guess it isn't too surprising that he died that way.

So the moral of this story is, when you need to talk to your children about death, know what you are going to say and don't start playing 20 questions.

Missionary rules

2008-03-02T10:17:00.001-07:00

I was reading on C.L. Hanson’s blog Letters from a broad, specifically a post about her experiences with LDS missionaries in France. She mentions how the missionaries have to bring along an extra male member from the ward if they are planning on visiting with a lone female.

Since it was just me (a woman!) and my little boy alone in the house, the mishies had to bring along another guy -- a local member -- in order to be allowed to come in (their rule, not mine). I guess the theory is that I just might singlehandedly seduce the both of them (in front of my son) and by themselves they'd be powerless to fight me off! But if they bring along a third guy, he'd put a stop to it (instead of just joining in or something). It's probably better not to think too hard about the theory here, but rather just accept the fact that they have lots of elaborate rules and leave it at that.

My wife experienced the same thing when she was taking the discussions when she was still attending High School. I’ve heard at least four times in the past week different people wondering about this rule. The rule is in place for the reason C.L. mentions above, but I was always taught it was in place for a much different reason. It’s not that they are worried about the missionaries getting seduced, as much as the Church is concerned about false accusations being brought against the missionaries for inappropriate or illegal actions. They want a local ward member, a neighbor that everyone knows, to go along with the missionaries so that if a lone female claims that something happened to her, there would be another witness along that would have more creditability in the eyes of the local population. It is a total cover your butt tactic. Neighbors or even local courts might not believe or trust two foreigners over the claims of a local woman, so having that extra trusted male along is for legal and “court of the public eye” protection.

This is basically what I was told: “We all know how Satan would take any opportunity to bring about a bad name on the church, so let us not allow him that opportunity.” Same reason they aren’t allowed to be in larger bodies of water than a baptismal font. Satan rules the waters (D&C 61: 3-6, 14-16, 18), so watch out; he’s going to drown those missionaries.

Sorry, I’m allowing myself to get carried away.

Statistics can be confusing

2008-02-29T17:23:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I linked to a post on Corpus Callosum about the public misunderstanding of how statistics works. Honestly, I have zero education on the topic of statistics, so I can’t really expand any further than what was done in that post. Today, I was reading Good Math, Bad Math and Mark Chu-Carroll has a post about the public misunderstanding of how statistics works, this time in relation to Weather and Climate. To me, it looks like the same type of reasoning issues in both posts. It really goes to show how important it is to get the public better educated in some of these basic science (math) concepts. For those of us that didn’t or weren’t able to attend college, here is another plug for the basic concepts post over on ScienceBlogs.