Broken Walls

Fall back ! It hurts.

2012-02-15T04:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder from where does this art come to me ; the art of getting myself screwed. E 15 is my emotional closet. This overflowed dustbin looks exactly like my mind. It is sparsely filled.Yet somethings have fallen outside.Though it tries hard to soak in everything , it fails abruptly. Once in a while i clean it out and i think i will keep it clean and clear this time and i fail , every time.
Ah this room is filled not with air but words , which i breath in an breathe out. Which when i look around seem to be randomning across , hitting each other , hurting each other , strong words , weak words , words which come out of this hanging Santa Claus cap and are absorbed by fan regulator , words which move across diagnols of this room , as if this all is programmed. i want to touch them and see what exactly they mean but i cant. My brain is already overflowing.
Sleeping does not help too much. Its an escape but I do not like escapes. I like getting myself screwed. Its not a novel thing for me. I have got myself screwed many a times and now it does not even hurt. I feel something is missing if i have been not being screwed for some time. I do not believe in God. But there is no other explanation. Is there any ? Well that is precisely how God if defined.
Pressures and expectations are surmounting. How to break the jinx? Focus is long gone. What remain are the glorious remains of shining past. Alas ! too bad !
Writing is my thing. Its the best thing i do to myself. But i am feeling helpless. Like my hands are tied . Like i am being forced not to write when i am over-flooded with words. Its painful.
Give me my pen and paper. Turn on the lights. Shut the doors.
Fuck ! Why do i write such short sentences ? What does they signify ? Screw me lord !

.....and that is why i am an atheist.

2011-07-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

Isn't this thing called God an escape from miseries of this world ? An answer to the question that we dont want ourselves to answer ?
Yes it is . It is an open ended answer to the hard questions one encounters in life. We can add what we want to , what satisfies our psyche .
If there is this GOD , then good people should not die , and bad people should not live . Does that happen ?
Were the 21 people that died in Bombay yesterday were all bad people ? were 50 people who got killed in that train accident were bad people ? You got any answers , sir ?
No because you are dumb , and you are going to believe in what was told to you by your parents . Go to temples and offer prayers to lifeless idols , and not care about any living thing around you, not care about people around you.
You play dirty politics , fool around people ,hurt them as much as you can , engage in corruption , eat away somebody's else share , let people get killed in front of you , care about your foolish ego , dont give a damn about any poor lying on the street ,and you say you believe in God.
You kill people for power , swallow somebody's wealth and offer it in temple ( or whatever alike ) , be over smart and think others are dumb asses , try to control masses , are jealous of success of others , are communal and you think that polluted Ganga will make you pious.
I may be also doing some of these things , but then atleast i am true to my sub conscious , and that is why why i dont believe in God.
Do you have one reason why do you believe in God ?. I cited many why i dont.

lets live

2011-02-18T09:06:00.000-08:00

I can smell a sunshine , behind clouds up a mile
What a nice view ,
Hey ! Can u feel the dew.
Life is a gift , let us live
onto ourselves and how we wish
Life is a rock , let us write
the fable , defying clock
Life is fun , let us run
and play , hide and seek , lets have it done.
Life is music , let us compose it
and play , the blissful beat.
Life is you , sitting on the last bench
and wanting hold my hand
Life is you , waiting till 10
and doing me a text
Life is you, saying you will not call
ever , but doing it next hour
life is you , forgetting the ATM card
and looking at me.
Life is you , life is me
and life is how we have lived.
Life is you , life is me
and life is how it was
Life is you , life is me
and life is how it is
Life is you , life is me
and life is how it would be,
forever , you with me.

No home

2011-02-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

The only sound in the mind is
whistling of blood flowing head to toe

The only line in the rhyme is
wait , and walk again , Hero !

The only air i breathe is
one that is moist and is slow

The only feel i have is
that there are thousand splendid suns

The only thing i know is
that i have loaded all my guns

The only pain i want is
when a heart blasts and
when a head burns

the only water i drink is
that comes from two seas apart

The only thing i do is
hold myself and split in million parts

The only time i write is
when i am happy or
i have angst

and i know i am loved not for
who am i but
how are my text

So let the words roam
in my mental Rome
So let my rhyme sleep
with me in my dome.
Because they have like my dreams
No home , sirs !
Because they are like my dreams
and are alone , Sirs !

The Eternality of change

2011-01-08T08:26:00.000-08:00

There is one thing as eternal as this time is : Change.
Tell who and what has not changed with passage of time . You and me are mere mortals. Even the eternal time has changed with time itself.
I miss my childhood when i would sit down before TV with my sister to watch MOGLI on sunday mornings ; when there was no cable and dish TV and we would wait for fridays to watch a movie on DD 1 at 9.30 pm ; when we used to get our school diaries checked by our teacher in Zero period.
Old days always seem good . Ain't they ?

Time travels faster beyond timelines and to carru on with the pace , i changed the blog design.
But can a superficial change last forever ?
Ironically , i know the answer.

Hazarron khwahishen aisi

2011-01-04T08:59:00.001-08:00

Hazaaron khwahishen aisi ke har khwahish pe dam nikle
Bohat niklay mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikle

Daray kyon mera qaatil? kya rahega us ki gardan par?
Voh khoon, jo chashm-e-tar se umr bhar yoon dam-ba-dam nikle

Daray kyon mera qaatil? kya rahega us ki gardan par?
Voh khoon, jo chashm-e-tar se umr bhar yoon dam-ba-dam nikle

Nikalna khuld se aadam ka soonte aaye hain lekin
Bahot be-aabru hokar tere kooche se hum nikle

Bharam khul jaaye zaalim! teri qaamat ki daraazi ka
Agar is tarahe par pech-o-kham ka pech-o-kham nikle

Magar likhvaaye koi usko khat, to hum se likhvaaye
Hui subaha, aur ghar se kaan par rakh kar qalam nikle

Hui is daur mein mansoob mujh se baada aashaami
Phir aaya voh zamaana, jo jahaan mein jaam-e-jaam nikle

Hui jin se tavaqqa khastagi ki daad paane ki
Voh ham se bhi zyaada khasta e tegh e sitam nikle

Mohabbat mein nahin hai farq jeenay aur marnay ka
Usi ko dekh kar jeetay hain, jis kaafir pe dam nikle

Zara kar jor seene par ki teer-e-pursitam niklejo
Wo nikle to dil nikle, jo dil nikle to dam nikle

Khuda ke waaste parda na kaabe se uthaa zaalim
Kaheen aisa na ho yaan bhi wahi kaafir sanam nikle

Kahaan maikhane ka darwaaza Ghalib aur kahaan vaaiz
Par itna jaantay hain kal voh jaata tha ke ham nikle

Hazaaron khwahishen aisi ke har khwahish pe dam nikle
Bohat niklay mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikle...

Mirza Ghalib

Rahul Kumar , and the extra sheet paradigm shift

2010-11-23T08:59:00.000-08:00

It takes courage , a heart of metal , to fill 16 pages top to bottom , left to right in just 15 minutes. But its possible , and when our DM-112 starts writing , 16 pages can be filled in 10 minutes too. He is no more less than a RAJNIKANT.
Just 15 minutes past the stipulated examination start time , he would raise his voice blatantly , for an extra sheet.And this is when ,when i would have filled 8 sheets , our NETA JI would have filled some 5 sheets and Aastha:15 . Sitting at the rightmost corner i would raise my neck to have a look at the divine soul , the divine expressions of being a so fast and thus mind boggling writer.But this big cuboid pole will not let me experience the divine relief . ALAS!! .. Poor me.
But i am sure of one thing .I am sure of diligence our DM 112 works with . I am sure how he takes on the Question paper , one on one , and the thing to be noticed is , he always wins. During any exam time , when i should be writing the answers , my mind is filled with questions.
How could one question ,, which deserves no more than 5 lines solution , has been answered in 200 lines. It must be some art . It must be learnt , if at all it fetches good grades. I know i will never be able to learn it. Because i am too lazy to write what i dont find is worth , and i will suffer . I know.
Anyways , this extra shift paradigm has resulted in a phenomenol extravaganza. Neta ji demanded for an extra sheet today , and there are more to follow .
Aastha is always the competitor to Rahul , and yes , Geetanjali is never to be forgotten. There will be times when we will study for filling more and more extra sheets , and will not be bothered about marks . Times are not far.

Well talking about myself . I took extra sheets in a few. Screwed up only those few , BIG TIME . but its all right.I got 7 , and i know some will think , JUST 7 man!!
i know its just 7, but its my 7 .Has this life ever stopped?

Exams are over , and i am bored . Yet again.

My memoir , if it can be called so.

2010-10-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, thoughts just hit you , hard , harder than they have ever before and its then when you write. Seldom , i crave to live in past but when i do , it takes all leaps and bounds.Nostalgia is empowering me.
T.I.T Bhiwani has taught me far more than what IMT can teach me.I spent most crucial years of my life there.The refreshing scent of the first-ever feelings aromizes me even today.There are videos , all high definitions ,put subtly classified in my mind.Videos of long fruitless talks , with people whom i am closest to. Videos of cricket , videos of almost every basketball match we played( and won) in intra college tournaments.Videos of Nidhi Sharma teaching us something( i really dont know what).I remember EME laabs , physics labs , everything and everything and i know these videos have been hard burned on my hard disk.
I remember how dumb i was( i am now too ) when they people asked me to accompany them to Shimla and i because of my borish and boring and non-adventurous attitude will never say Yes to them , and then they even didnt go without me.'We' were like that.
'Mittal' is in Mumbai , Accenture ,i think. Sensible and studious he is but still accounts significantly to a lot of total rubbish we talked.'Sophistication' is his virtue.Every girl admired his brotherish attitude.He managed to have a girl friend and unshockingly , they never ever had a fight.God Save!!!!!!
'Vashisth' is as lazy as ever.He always suggested ideas which somehow , will reduce human effort.He never ever used his hands to get his door shut.Instead used his bums , because work done by one hand to get lifted to certain height and then transfering momentum to the gate is far greater than work done by his bums to transfer the momentum. He was famous for something which is every man's envy. We had many Bhabhi's.None of them ever even looked at him.He is in Pune.
God swear , I never ever heard 'Rajpal' talking sense.NEVER EVER.I really dont know why TCS recruited him.He would take 5 times the normal time to study one chapter , and then he would roam around in the hostel to tell people about this feat he achieved
'Jindal' is in Chennai.Accenture , again.A long time since we talked. Heard he is getting married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
and to the girl he always wanted .So cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.i am so happy for the almost-bald boy from dadri .
'Sharma' and ' Yadav ' are lost. Sharma and I had some issues fro some time , but in the end we were back again.He was the first guy i met in TIT. I and Sharma stopped talking for a while , then talked again , stopped again and then we were made to talk in the last days of our college. Soaked up by TCS , I think he is waiting his joining . I really have no idea where Yadav is. No contact . nothing. Actually we never had an idea , in the college too where he was. He would go to home and then would stay there until there are exams and woulg go bcak again. He perhaps , was and is , nicest boy amongst us.
Destiny , if you name chances so , pulled back me and Godara back into the same place. Here at IMT G , we are not roomies as we were in the First year of our college , but still spend considerable time together. He says , he does not love his so called ex girlfriend anymore but still cares lot about her , and whenever under spell , he keeps on telling the ages-old story of how good she was. Stubborn and obstinate he is and i really cant praise him here even if i want to. Perhaps , i would praise him when he we will not be together , after this college, i guess.
Joon has conquered his love of lifetime and loves visiting chandigarh.He is going to marry soon ( as he has been forced to ).Gem of a boy ,he is a guy so perseverant that he has half of the time in TIT doing his soceity work.
I dont know how can this Dahiya can be described in words, i wonder if he was just over emotional or over sensitive or what!!!!!!!!. currently in GAP , he is my silver lining in the dark cloud , as far as one front of my future is concerned.

Something more happened , though I never ever expected it. I with a girl!!!! Though its a weird thought , but sometimes nightmares may come true. I eloped , with lady of my dreams , and have never looked back since then . I remember vividly and distinctly how i expressed my feelings and she blushingly and very happily , just smiled and gave me some lame reason for not conforming , just at that instant . I knew she had fallen for me . I knew she fell for me much earlier ,but just later than when i fell for her , perhaps during first year. I can feel how i felt when i stood by her side in the physics dark room ( my blushings). I can smell her aroma now. I can feel how jealous i felt when she danced with some other guy during some cultural function . I would just keep on looking at her while in class , and i would love to be called by her name. I had observed her so diligently and for so long that i still remember each of her expressions and habit. We are still together . May be we will be always , but those days will be remembered , forever. We still love to discuss days and occasionally , we do cry . Can first emotions-of-love can be ever forgetted?

I miss the best part of my life , when i just learnt and gained and lost nothing. I miss those people . I miss that place .I am missing them.

Estranged thoughts , simplified.

2010-10-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

Until now , I had a different perception. I used to think that life , at last , is fair to everybody.In one way or another , sooner or later, life in some of its form bestows everybody with the ultimate product , happiness.I used to think those who suffer now, will be happier someday , proportionally.I used to think-- my time will come. But times may never come. you can never say. Death , the other form of life: i must say , may grace you well before you so-called times.All the people in the world not happy with their lives , till their last breath.

i heard of some lady committing suicide after months of deep depression.
Didnt she deserve happiness?

Many a times i saw some mentally and psychology disturbed person here-abouting in the middle of road.
Where is his share of happiness?

Life is not always fair. Sometimes just letting go off things is the best way to tackle something. But it is possible that it may not work. Your trouble may deepen.or it may work. You can never say. You can never be so sure about anything. when you are sad , you cant be so sure that you will be happy the next day , or the next , or the next , or ever. Even if you are a theist. Even if you followed every of HIS ideology.Even then , it may be dark forever or it may be vice versa.

Life may challenge you in its own strange way and however hard you try ,you may not pass , EVER.

I am an atheist , and i write what i think.

Simple penning of estranged thoughts.

I welcome winters ,inside myself too.

2010-10-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

First time in last 2 months ,the J-43 of IMT-G is dark and sleepy at just quarter-to-one.My roomie is asleep.I, sitting on my chair and a newly well arranged table , am thinking of writing something.Lots to write.Long since i didnt write.Writing is the best escape for me from my mental cobweb. Its the third best thing i do to myself.

Summers are on trailing behind. Life has changed a lot during these summers. New people , new acquaintances ,good people , not so good people, flattery , sycophancy , diligence, love , belongingness---there are many things which i have experienced , in extreme , in a short span of 2 months of my stay here. I have evolved ,in some aspects and I have fallen back in some. I cant say how and why it is happening but i am , somehow , falling short of acumen.Instinct , killer instinct has been galloped down by the maze. The good thing is i am realizing this.I dont know i have not daydreamt since when, and it is not at all a good sign. One must be able to see his future. One must have a clear image of how he wants his future to be.How can i be missing this thing? Cant say , but i am going on on , without thinking much , without contemplations. But things will change and somehow now , i am able to see that.

The windows have been opened.Oxygen is gushing inside.I can feel the warmth of winters.Summers , for sure are gone.Its time for winter and the beautiful bright charming sunshine of the winter sunIts time to rejoice.

I will back but with some glories.

I welcome winters, inside myself too and i am happy.

cheers to winter

LOVE begets HATRED

2010-05-27T04:47:00.000-07:00

Emotions rise and emotions fall ,

Those that sustain must be critical of all.

LOVE and HATRED , i tell you , are the only two emotions that exist.All others are mere shadows of these. And the two emotions are so complimentry , that even for the same person or thing you all always have both waving hello to each other. The more you love , more you are generating a hatred for the same and vice versa , though the other feeling may be under your subconscious.

You love her , you feel happy that she is happy , you feel satisfied that she is satisfied and you are out of bounds when she huggs you and this is your LOVE for her.

You love her , you feel insecure that she is happy ( when you are not there ) , you feel shallow when she is all cheerfull and satisfied though you two have not met for long and you HATE her for that.

The more you LOVE her , the more you HATE her.

This is a facebook status of a friend which i saw just today--------

ctually no1 wants tht ur luvd 1 get hurts coz of u...bt actually there lies a portion in ur heart which really dnt like sm1 smiling without ur own presence.. u ll feel insecure at that point of time tht how cld he/she is enjoying without ur luv..."

People and places are different , Emotions are same . I am not alone .

PS-----------------just a very-common-man-opinion. 'SAINTS' and 'MODS' refrain.

LOVER OF THE DAY

2010-03-15T03:05:00.000-07:00

i dont know why it is that with me that only these things compel me to write , but then its all right.i have been observed a strange phenomenon on THE GREAT YOUTH PLATFORM , FACEBOOK.For the past five days i have been opening my account to see at least five of my friends having played LOVER OF THE DAY. While some have been as regular as feeding their pet puppies , others do it once in a while, may be when they touch feets of their mom dad.well, the game has touched my feet too.and then i observed that those who play this game (i would say it is a game) are only singles. May be that is an subjugated outcry of singleanism ( i dont fel sngleatic now adays). but there were days when i used to say regularly that i should be having a girlfriend ( and i usually pointed to one girl...but only in my mind). May be LOVER OF THE DAY is an expression that i am available to mingle . Already mingled ones dont dare to play the game and also the game is not for homosexulas...errrrr. LOVER of the day is always opposite sexed.WHAT has caught my mind is that FACEBOOK or rather these application developers have so rightly understood the physicality of the our mental mind.While i will advise all to keep playing the game just to keep busy the singleatic self, i would also say that get out of this virtual world to find lover of lifetime, or else get out this virtual world to feel SINGLEANISM. It will be a fun of life or life of fun.......dont know.

correction:::::::: cheers to homos.. today only saw a same sexed lover of the day........AND......i am not a homo....NOT AT ALL

cheers

I liked it...

2010-02-25T06:57:00.000-08:00

I love being criticised.Atleast i come to know that i am being continuosly followed.I just loved peoples' response to NETWORKING MELODRAMA.I am happy that the article was successfull in shaking mental aperture of some beautiful minds.Yes it worked.A very good and old pal of mine even blocked me on his gtalk.Because he loves to remain busy and then to chat.His intentions are clear.And this has encouraged my motive.
I heartily welcome all the comments.People accused me of being a part of the system and then criticising it.But..cant i do so.Cant i bring out my flaws.I agree that i am a commited user of these sites and with equal force i say that i just waste my time and do nothing else.And i can criticise myselves.

thanks everbody who read that..i welcome you all with a open heart and an open mind

special thanks to ANONYMOUS..i would love to know your name

Networking Melodrama

2010-02-23T04:17:00.000-08:00

With this self effulgent Social Networking biting everybody's back now a days , it often comes to mind if this social revolution is truly so efficient as it is being hyped. Do we really need such social networking websites ; are they really of some help to anybody. I am a regular visitor of all these websites but till now ( 4 years since i signed up for all of these) i think i have not extracted something good from these but yes I do waste a a few hours daily replying to SCRAPS and writing something on WALLs and playing some extra wonderfull GAMES. And i don't think that anybody else does something else .This is wastage, these are wastage.People love Social Networking because people love wasting time.Well, leave this. Consider another wonderfull thing from google: The GTALK , the talk machine. What a way to get connected. There are some friends of mine who are on gtalk almost everytime I login.The keep their status as busy( the red button) , but reply every time i send them a chat, and every time there is this expression of wow and bewilderment on my face.Why do they keep their status as busy when they have to reply to every chat. Why dont they remain green(available) , ready to talk. Mystery for me. May be they want to pretend that they are busy.but to whom they pretend?.i think to themselves.Well , to protect people like me from this emotional and social i-dont-know-what, google should remove the red button. either be available (green ) or be invisible (if you dont want to chat).

Green chatting

best wishes